#451 - Permission to Not Be Great

Hi there, you're listening to the Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi. This podcast isn't about hacking the system to find more time or hacking your energy to get more done, hustling to be the best or to make the most out of every opportunity is exhausting and unsustainable. So here we do things differently. On this show we value contentment, compassion and living in our season. We favor small steps over big systems. Here we are lazy geniuses. Being a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't and I'm so glad you're here. Today is episode 451, permission to not be great. If there was ever a time we needed such permission it is the first Monday of a new year. Now I am all for goals and wanting to try new things and even track what matters to you. All of that's great. But today I want to give you a little practical permission to not be great. Plus I'll share some things that I'm actively choosing to not be great at in this upcoming season of life because I think that matters. After the episode we'll have a little extra something where I'm going to share with you what I think our lazy genius word of the month could be. Last week I shared my personal word for 2026 but I wonder if having a guiding word of the month for us as a group who who think about things this way you know who intentionally think about being a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Having a guiding word for this month in particular could be really important so I'm going to share that word with you. After that we'll celebrate the lazy genius of the week our first of 2026 which is truly a banger of a tip especially for people who tend to over-schedule themselves. Then we'll end with a mini-peptalk for when you wish you were different but can't exactly change it which can be a frustrating energy especially in January. Now before we get into all of that if you have a little Christmas money that you want to spend might I suggest grabbing my compassionate time management book the plan. A lot of what I share today in this episode is from that book and the start of the year is such a great time to give it a read or even a reread if you already have it. Compassionate time management it works you guys. When you adjust how you think about greatness and optimization and efficiency it changes how you make choices how you say no how you spend your time and energy it impacts your kindness towards yourself and other people it helps you be more relaxed when things do not go according to plan. It's just the best guide for a recovering perfectionist especially or for anyone who just feels like life is always something to frantically keep up with you know like what if we could manage our time without dealing with the burdens of perfection and survival. What if we got to just live our lives contentedly and kindly like wisely getting things done while also paying attention to our people our season our bodies and our priorities even when those priorities don't line up with everyone else's. It's just a really great way to live. I've been doing it for a long time many of you have to and I guarantee that anyone who does would say it's worth it. It's worth choosing to be lazy about certain things. It's worth letting go of being awesome at everything all the time. It's worth prioritizing contentment over optimization even if it means you take a little bit longer to get things done like speed it's just not always our goal here. If it that's why we're so tired all the time because we're trying to do everything as fast as possible. The plan teaches a kind compassionate approach to time management that's still practical and helpful for normal people. So if you're like you know I could use a little help in this area I want to live like this give the plan a try. Maybe after you listen to this episode actually you'll know even more if compassionate time management is for you. I'm gonna go ahead and say it is I will leave the final call up to you. They kind of getting into this episode it might kind of give you the nudge to go actually I think I'm gonna dive into this a little bit deeper. Now before we do get into the episode we're gonna hear from our sponsors who make this show free for you to listen to which we're so grateful for but here is your quick reminder about the podcast recap email that we send out every other Friday. It's called latest lazy listens and it summarizes the episode shares the lazy genius of the week as well as other segments that we have on the show and it has a little extra note for me to help encourage you through the weekend so if you would like to get that recap you can head to the lazygenyscollective.com slash listens. Hello I'm Melissa Beth Day the creator and host of How to Fail is the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right and what if anything we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better. Each week my guests share three failures sparking intimate thought-provoking and funny conversations. You'll hear from a diverse range of voices sharing what they've learned through their failures. Join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week. This is Melissa Beth Day in Sony Music Entertainment Original Podcast. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. All right let's get into permission to not be great. To get us started I'm gonna read to you actually I'm gonna read to you chapter two from the plan. The chapter is called two beliefs that will change everything. Since this is what I would say in my permission to you to not be great like I just figured reading this would be the best approach and then at the end I'm gonna share some things that I'm personally choosing to not be great at this year to leave room for things I do or to be bid at that's fine too. I hope you make that list as well I think it could be really hopeful. But first let's get into two beliefs that change everything. Again this is from the plan. According to internet memes Hall of Fame football coach Lou Holtz once said if you're bored with your life if you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things you don't have enough goals. Listen I can't remember the last time I woke up with a burning desire to do anything except maybe go back to sleep. We have already established that if you dig until you hit bottom you will find a productivity industrial complex fueled by patriarchy. It's fun times. The flowers growing out of that gnarly soil include possibility potential striving and optimization. Shoot your shot. Reach for the stars. Don't squander your potential. Imagine a life you want it. Don't stop until you get there. Be great. I'm already tired. Allow me to introduce you to the first belief that changes everything. The goal is not greatness. The goal is not mastery over your habits or power over your day. It's not creating an ideal schedule and then duplicating it until you're dead. We're not here to crush anything. That word alone gives me a headache. But if the goal is not greatness then what is it? It's integration. Integration is a word used in various psychological contexts and essentially means wholeness. When we are integrated we are able to connect with all the parts of ourselves. Desires, bodily cues, big emotions that we don't know what to do with. Small emotions that we don't feel important. Stress responses when things go awry. Grief that sneaks up on us. Anger because we stepped on a Lego. And literally everything that happens moment by moment. When we are integrated we compassionately love our true selves and seek to live smack dab in the center of who we know ourselves to be. Renowned vulnerability researcher and New York Times best selling author, Brenne Brown describes integration as wholehearted living and suggests letting go of these 10 things in order to live wholeheartedly. What people think? Perfectionism? Numbing and powerlessness? Scarcity and fear of the dark? Need for certainty? Comparison? Exhaustion as a status symbol or productivity as self-worth? Anxiety as a lifestyle? Self-doubt and supposed to? Cool and always in control. The more we let these 10 things fall away the more integrated we become. Here's another way to look at it. Therapist and author Andy Colbert describes integration as bringing parts back to the whole like a magnet pulling these elements of yourself back in with compassion and care. Consider these phrases she offers regarding integration. I can stay with myself. I can be gentle with myself. I am beloved. It's okay to be in process. I'm making progress. I can come back to myself. I am responsible for only myself. It's okay for others to be uncomfortable. I am allowed to take care of myself. Now look at these two lists. Brown's guideposts for wholeheartedness and Colbert's phrases for integration and pay attention to what's happening in your body. Maybe your breathing has slowed or you just experienced a deep sigh. Your shoulders might relax. You suddenly feel a sweet pull of permission to let something go. Next I'm going to share another list. These are the eight principles required to achieve greatness from a male author's best-selling productivity book. Create a vision. Turn adversity into advantage. Cultivate a champion's mindset. Develop hustle. Master your body. Practice positive habits. Build a winning team and be of service to others. Now these are not bad statements. Some are great and might deeply resonate with you. There's no judgment here. But notice how your body feels after reading that list, especially compared with the other two. The energy in my body definitely shifts. I go from a relaxed state to a more elevated one. I take a deep breath before a different reason. I don't want to be great or master mastery or hustle my way to that patriarchal paradigm of what a good life looks like and how to get it. It's just not for me. And not to be a downer, but women don't get the same opportunity to practice these principles of greatness anyway. I'd like to see a man master a body that regularly and painfully releases uterine lining and might occasionally birth a human baby. I don't want to master my body. I want to tend to it. I say this in my work all the time because we constantly need to hear it. You're not a robot. You're not a machine to program. You're not a steadily humming operating system. You're not something to fix, leverage, or optimize. You're a flesh and blood person with a beautiful, slightly unruly life who just wants to get your stuff done. Have fun. Not yell at your people too much and occasionally feel bone deep contentment. You want to make hard things a little easier and enjoy life more often than you endure it. You want to continue becoming more deeply and confidently yourself. The goal can't be greatness. Not for people who are trying to live wholeheartedly. Instead, we seek integration. Quick side note, can you garner greatness, favor, even fame, and still be integrated? Yep. But if your goal is greatness, if that's the most important thing, you're going in the wrong order, at least for the kind of life I think you want to live. The goal is not greatness. The goal is integration. Here's the second belief that changes everything. Start where you are. Most time management tools start with where you want to go. Each book, course, and planner is an open invitation to a shiny new, you are here, map, like at the mall. The typical order is to think about your life. Imagine how you want it to look in five, 10, 20 years. Consider multiple categories like health, finances, relationships, and career fulfillment, and break your broader hopes for those categories into manageable goals that you'll spread across the coming days. Congratulations. Now you know how to organize and maximize your days, and you'll accomplish your dreams in no time. While that approach might work for some, it has never worked for me. I am a lady with a cantankerous menstrual cycle, a gaggle of children who could not be more different in how they need their mother, a business that partially depends on the whims of the internet and whatever creativity I can muster on any given day, and a million other things I can't even name because I'm too overstimulated. There is no tool complex enough to hold the intricacies and daily variability of a woman's life, even though I've spent hours trying to make one. You probably have to. And remember, we are not the problem. A patriarchal society that birthed a productivity industrial complex that keeps selling us tools that ignore our needs and lived experience is the problem. We don't start with where we want to go. We start where we already are. Is where you're going important? Totally. This is not an all or nothing argument. Just like you can be integrated and achieve greatness, you can also be present and planned for the future. But first we need to tend to ourselves today. Right now, this season, this body, this family, this crisis, this financial situation, this transition, this holiday, this school project, this work deadline, this tantrum, this headache, this meal, this walk, this deep breath, this moment. I have a more accurate and even joyful perspective about my future when I stay rooted in my present. And I think the same can be true for you. As you slowly incorporate the strategies and mindsets in this book, you will have a greater sense of compassion and dare I say accomplishment today. And the more often you experience days like that, the more your future aligns with who you most deeply are. Don't assume that pursuing greatness based on an invisible future is your only option. You can instead seek integration right where you are today. Being a person is not an exercise in optimization in drafting a comprehensive plan and then pressing a red start button. That is not the life we want. I'm not saying don't plan ahead or invest for retirement or set goals. Those things all count, especially if you want them to, but starting from there, especially when you're definitely in the deepest water just trying to get through today, that's not being kind to yourself. And if you're a woman, it's a loss cause anyway. The pressure on women is so heavy, so obtuse and so unreasonable that we cannot compassionately expect ourselves to start with the future, not effectively anyway, even though we've done an excellent job trying. It's time for something different. That's the end of the chapter and the rest of the book is the something different. So I hope if you haven't read the plan that you give it a try. But here's where you have to start. You don't have to be great. You don't have to have big dreams and massive goals and seek after greatness. Now you can, you absolutely can, but you don't have to. It is not required and it shouldn't be the most important thing. In fact, I think actively choosing where to not be great is a helpful practice that's going to make your life feel lighter and easier and maybe start to drive this point home even more. So I just want to share with you some things that I'm actively choosing to not be great at in the upcoming months. The first is new and creative time with my kids. So we spend a lot of time together. We have a warm, happy home. But sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough like creative stuff to invest in them. I'm not doing special one-on-one outings with my kids on certain days of the week. I don't have like a list of books. I'm hoping to read together. I just don't have creative intention in that area. Now what I do have is presence. I love being with my kids and I try notice opportunities to have time with them individually. Like earlier in December, we had a two-hour delay for school because of weather. And since my kids go to school at three different times, Annie, my youngest was already at school by nine, but Sam didn't have to go to school until 11 o'clock. 11. So I was like, hey dude, after run some errands, why don't you come with me and then I'll drop you off at school. And then he was like, sure, Mama, because he either calls me Mama or Mother, which is hilarious. Anyway, we ran a couple of errands together. And it was nice to just be the two of us. We even talked about jobs and money and budgets, which he brought up. Now it would have been great if he didn't bring it up. It would have been fine. But it was nice to have like an adult conversation with him that was warm and fun. So I look for chances like that, but I'm not trying to be great at intentional creative individual time with my kids. I'm not trying to systemize that. I'm releasing the pressure to do it a certain way. And it feels really good to let that go. Another way I'm choosing to not be great is with updating my home and my decor in my home. I'm not doing it. Like the way my house looks right now is almost certainly how it's going to look this time next year. Like I'm content with how things are, how they're laid out. Are there things I would change if I had the energy? Yes. Are there things I want to change? Yes. But I'm not trying to fit that in right now. I'm not going to use any of my energy on making my house as awesome and great as it could be. I'm choosing to be content. And it's nice. I'm also choosing to not be great at like regular, trackable movement. Mid is fine. I live way through regularly, but never the same way twice. I sometimes start my mornings with yoga or stretching, but that's like hit or miss. I walk when I can, but sometimes I'll go several weeks without a walk. I do crazy dances to make Annie laugh while she's getting ready for bed, which is like honestly really great cardio. But sometimes I just want to sit sit and be still while she's getting ready for bed. Like I'm just letting my body lead how I move, not a schedule. I don't need to be great at that kind of management. I don't need a system for that. Those are really simple examples. But when you choose to not be great at certain things, you're immediately giving yourself margin to just be where you are, but to also attend to the things that you might care about more or that need more systemizing. Whether those things like check a great box or not is up to you. But like, y'all, you can be mid at most things. And it's okay. It's okay. I saw a commercial recently. I don't know. It's like for water or something. And it had a famous football player working super hard as amazing athletes are known to do and should because they do want to be the greatest, right? And he was like, hey, if you want to be great, you have to drink this water or whatever the inspiring copy was. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think that I think that if you want to be like a star athlete, greatness is the goal. That is the goal for that person, right? Then here's what I want you to hold on to in the phrase. If you want to be great, that's what the guy said. If you want to be great, if you want to be great, you don't have to want to be great. Not in the way that the world tells you to be. In fact, if you happen to follow the same faith that I do or even different ones that still hold this type of belief close, you might believe that smallness is actually better. That that is part of what it means to follow Jesus or to believe in whatever you believe in. Often, smallness and slowness and presence are more valuable on a soul level and sometimes essential to our faith than the counterintuitive idea of greatness. Some of you listening don't even believe that you're supposed to be great at all. But our culture tries to make everything great because being important and powerful and awesome and the best is a goal worth reaching for everybody. But you do not have to believe that for yourself. So as we enter January, then you sift through your own emotions and your own interactions with with what you run across on Instagram or podcast or just conversations with friends who are like putting a lot of pressure on themselves. Remember that you do not have to be great. You don't have to be the best or be impressive or have big dreams or always be chasing something that you can mark in a journal. You can, but you don't have to. And even if you do, if greatness is the primary goal, it comes at a cost and it's probably one you don't want to spend. You're allowed to make different choices than the people around you. I look forward to spending more time in 2026 talking about permission to not be great while still giving us tools to be present, whole people in our lives, caring about the things that matter to us. That's what we do here, right? That's what we do. And so I'm really excited to do that with you more. So be normal, be ordinary, be messy, be great at something you love and mid at everything else. That's how we live lives that matter. We are ourselves no matter our circumstances, seeking to be whole and connected rather than great and optimized. That is not our race to run anymore, but a relief that is. And that's your permission to not be great. Last week, our little extra something was me sharing my word of the year. In case you missed it, the word was flourish. Well, one thing I want to consider for January is to maybe offer up a word of the month for all of us. In some ways, the podcast episodes and even the newsletter can have like a unifying vibe. You know, we're all in this together. We're dealing with like similar energies and needing similar reminders, not always, of course, but often. So what if we had a word this month that was our word that helped us remember what matters and have a lens for making decisions. Now you can ignore this word, of course. But in case it resonates with you, I would like to suggest that our lazy genius word for January is the word no. No. I think now is a lovely time to practice saying no to things that don't matter as much. You've come off a busy season. You're entering a cultural season with some pressure to start certain goals or finish certain projects. You are absolutely allowed to say yes to things that matter and you should. But this is the case with everything. When you say yes to something, it means you have to say no to other things. You just do your finite. So it's time. Every wholehearted, yes, has to come with a confident no. So I would like our word this month to be no. Start practicing saying no to the scurry, to the things that don't matter to you, to various projects that can wait, to responsibilities or obligations that are just not required right now. Say no to things that are less important. So you can say yes to the things that really matter. Today we said no to greatness at the expense of ourselves. Next week we'll say no to some words that I would like you to stop using. We'll practice saying no and important ways together. But I also wonder if it's a good thing to practice on your own in your own way. No to hustle when it doesn't matter. No to taking on yet another mantle of responsibility because you feel bad and you don't want to let someone down. No to revamping all your household systems just because it's January and you're trying to busy work your way into some semblance of control. Practice saying no so you can say yes to what matters. And we'll see how this goes. And that's today's a little extra something. And now for our lazy genius of the week which is an excellent example of saying no to something so that you can say yes to things that matter. So this week we have Cheryl Webster from Seattle, Washington. Cheryl says, I'm an Enneagram 7 who leans heavily towards a full calendar because I love saying yes to everything from fun social commitments to volunteering in my church. But that of course leads me to overdoing things and pushing myself too hard. So a couple of years ago I set a recurring calendar event on Monday nights called stay home. The rule is that I am free to move it to another night of the week as needed but I cannot delete it. Since my calendar is king and since my husband has visibility on my calendar and helps keep me accountable, I always honor my evening plan of staying home and always enjoy having at least one night a week in which I don't have plans to this is so good. What a fantastic simple way to protect margin and be a whole person like I read this and I was like kind of dumb struck this simplicity and effectiveness of this is just the best thing. Plus again it's a fantastic example of a thoughtful, helpful no. So thank you for sharing it Cheryl. I am sure people are going to be taking this one for themselves and congratulations to you on being the first lazy genius of the week of 2026. All right before we go let's have a mini pep talk for when you wish you were different. So my birthday is December 27th so I get the double whammy of like reflective birthday energy and January new year new year energy. Now a lot of that has left the building culturally and for that I'm very grateful. More and more people are like nah you're okay like just because of January doesn't mean you have to change yourself and also there's a real thing to starting a new year and feeling like your time is limited seeing a blank slate before you you you want to be intentional and fill that blank slate with meaningful things with growth maybe with change in areas of your life that you wish were a little different and sometimes we need to acknowledge that some of the things we wish were different are not going to change. Maybe you're getting older and you miss your kids that have moved out you'll never have that season of life back again and you just won't. Maybe you're chronically ill and you can't live life the way you used to and that's that's just not going to change. Maybe you don't live in the same place as your best friend anymore and you miss her and having her right around the corner is not going to happen again. Sometimes we wish things were different and it's so hard when those things don't have a pathway to go back to the way they were especially during a time of the year when everyone is like building pathways to the person they want to be you're like I don't get to do that what I want isn't going to happen and that might make you feel any number of things so to you I just want to say that you're allowed to grieve that disappointment that change that that season is gone now. In fact allowing yourself to grieve is the very thing that will help you get through it. It's that old saying the only way around is through if you stay distant from your disappointment that things are not a certain way I think you're just going to stay in it you've got to get into it to even start to get out of it and even being out of it is not necessarily being done with it it's just a different kind of emotional management so if you are feeling that way if you are feeling like you wish things were different and they technically cannot be don't avoid the feeling talk to someone about it journal about it see your therapist even if it's been a while pray do whatever you need to be in that feeling so you can be honest and work through it I know that's like kind of annoying advice because it's not shiny or very practical but not everything has a shiny practical solution actually most things that matter don't so just be in it with yourself let someone else into it and I believe that as you move through that grieve that disappointment even possibly landing on the other side you'll eventually feel better and maybe even content and that's a mini pep talk for when you wish you were different if this episode was helpful to you or if you have been looking for a way to support the show I'd be so grateful if you would share this episode with a friend or if all of your friends are already lazy geniuses you can leave a kind review on Apple podcasts every mention matters so thank you so much for supporting the show this podcast is part of the Odyssey family and the Office Ladies Network this episode is hosted by me Kendra Adachi an executive produced by Kendra Adachi Jennifer Scher and Angela Kinsey special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production if you'd like a podcast recap every other week be sure to sign up for latest lazy listens it's our email that goes out every other Friday head to the lazygeniuscollective.com slash listens to get it thanks y'all for listening and until next time the adgenious about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't I'm Kendra I'll see you next week