079. Che Durena, Dante Nero, Sidney Gantt | White People

Before we start today's show, we want to remind you that we have incredible merch over at story wars, merch.com. Not only do we got t-shirts, not only do we got hoodies, but we just added beanies for the winter guys. So get them this winter. It's going to be a very limited time where you can get story wars beanies. Just go to story wars, merch.com. Before we start today's show story warriors, take a minute, go to body brain, coffee.com and try out the coffee that everybody's talking about. Blended with adaptogens and deutropics that support your testosterone brain function and mood. It's so simple. Whether you want to have your coffee hot, cold, put it in a protein shake, Body Brain Coffee is the number one way to support those amazing things. BodyBrainCoffee.com. Use the promo code WAR20, W-A-R-2-0, for 20% off your order today. All right, let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars With the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson And Louis J. Gomez Go Birds What's up everybody, welcome to Story Wars We're at our new home at the New York Comedy Club. I guess it's our home now. It's our home. It's not even the new home. We've been here for a while. Another sold-out show. Non-stop sold-out shows. If you want to come to Story Wars Live, you've got to come to New York City every Wednesday night here at the New York Comedy Club in Gramercy. Get the tickets in advance because you cannot get in this place if you don't. Dude, you're in a mode tonight. Is it because you're dressed like you're taking fifth-grade school pictures? Short-sleeved button-down shirt? You don't like it? I'm dressing up a little bit, bro. Is that what it is? You don't like this? I like it. I went to a nice restaurant. Short sleeve button down, I always find funny. Why? You don't know funny. How would I know funny? Well, I don't know. I'll get used to it. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And how many people are not familiar with Story Wars? You piece of shit. and these lesbians in the corner. Okay. All right, we'll get to you, gals. We will explain it for you after we get our amazing panel up here. And if you're wondering why we're starting 45 minutes late, you're about to find out. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, mistakenly we booked an all-black panel. Our final contestant got here. not one minute and 30 seconds ago. It's something we will never do again. We're going to start lying about our start time. We call it the Dante Nero rule. What time do I got to be there? 4 or 5 p.m. Mama Fuchin. Let's start getting our panel up here, everybody. A couple people were here on time You know him from the Two Goons Podcast Make some noise for the hilarious Che Durena everybody What's up Che? How you doing? Back on the show, it's been a while, you're returning I know, I came in last Last time, so we gotta see if we can do better You gotta redeem yourself here today He's so handsome. He's friends with my favorite porn star. He won't make the introduction. Who's your favorite porn star? What's his name? Ah, got him. I'm just going to make up a good one. Wisconsin Tiff. Yeah, yeah. She famously did a 60-dude anal gangbang. Yeah. Aw. Yeah. Oh, I understand. Jay loves her because she reminds him of his mother. Oh, Philadelphia Terry? Yeah. Philadelphia Terry? She's on a tear again Your second competitor coming here Right now for the first time making a Story Wars Debut from the World War Fun Podcast representing Philadelphia Hard clap it up for Sidney Gant Sidney Gant Sidney Gant Hilarious and a sick ground game great jiu jitsu guy you guys also look like you have different video game creative character haircuts yes I think we have all three of the black haircuts coming out of here we're just missing cornrows that's true, we don't want them here anyway our final contestant you know him from Man School 202 Podcast also from the In God Free We Trust Podcast right here on Gas Digital when you mix Sidney Gant and Che Durena, you get Dante Nero! Dante looks like me if I drank the ooze from Secret of the Ooze. He's your rock steady? He's super Lewis. I'm somebody's bebop Dante, happy to have you on the show my friend, Dante told me before we came in here that he's actually been preparing and studying the show to come out and he's very very motivated to win I'm in this, plus I was also in that anal gangbang his friend was in I don't know oh Wisconsin tiff although didn't she recently have like a rib removed and did all kinds of weird surgeries to herself Yeah, she was trying to make herself look more like porn star-y movie star. No. I like that she had a couple of, she was like a little chubby sort of, and got anal gang-banged. Oh, I want to meet her. I'm sure you publicly calling her chubby definitely added to her. Oh, fuck. Who's this? Psychological. Oh, Lewis has got short-sleeve button-down shirt personality all of a sudden. What about her feelings? Wisconsin Tiff, you're worth it. You're worth everything. Wisconsin Tip doesn't have time to watch the show. She's getting anal pang pang, dude. If you're not doing it, you're training for it. Let me just say, Jay, before we start today's show, before we explain the rules of the show, I want to say apparently we have a gift right now. Alex, we have a gift. Who is this from? These two homosexual guys right here. Why the fuck would you say that? Because they look like they enjoy having anal sex with each other, Jay. It's not a bad thing. That's actually a good thing in 2025. That's fucking sick that you guys are gay. We all love that you guys are gay. He raised his hand the gayest way possible. He went like this. Over here, this guy. We have a gift. For sure, I thought this gift was going to be from a woman. No, I thought it was going to be from a guy. First of all, the box rules. The box is great. Box rules is something these gay guys have never said. Open the gift. what if it's just two coupons for them to suck our dicks I'm like stop calling them gay oh two coupons for them to suck our dicks whenever we want oh whoa what is this what is that oh these are accessories they made little things for us what is it little activity us's oh well that's straight art can be straight and we have little accessories to go with ours Let's see which one's probably yours. Does this sit here like this? Yes. Like that? So it's supposed to sit on the thing? Yes. Okay, great. And here's Big Jay. Jay's looks great. Did you make this? You are gay. He's an artist, dude. So this sits here like this. Very cool. I love this. And what are these? There's a burger, there's a titty, and there's a book. What is this? That's my stuff. Those are Big Jay's. We each get a boob. Okay. We each get a boob. We get a boob. He's got a burger. Okay. Because I figured he got things somehow. Because you're, yeah, you're, he's calling you fat. He's calling you fat with his burger. It's burgers. All right, go ahead. Look, I haven't gotten down to short sleeve button down shirt wig yet. That's fine. I got a boob, a book, and. You guys look like the thing. I got it. I got it. And what was the third thing that I got? Tonketto. Tonketto. Yeah. Sir, you must not have gotten the word, but Tonkat Ali is dead. I killed him in an underground fighting contest many, many years ago. Dante grew up fighting with Tonkat Ali in the 70s. Dante fought Tonkat Ali three times overseas. I promise you, he's very much dead. All right, sir, you're back in my good graces. Tonkat Ali ruled. Clap it up for this guy and his awesome gift. Thank you. The first ever person to bring the story warriors a gift. and that's not true at all. We have a rug right there. There's a bunch of books. Whatever, dude. But yours is the best. Fuck that rug. Fuck that rug. Fuck that rug. Fuck that rug. It's a lovely rug, though, and I have one of skanks in my home. If you are unfamiliar with the Game Story Awards, your first time listening at home, I'll explain it very quickly to you. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? White people. Alex, our lovely producer, will take eight of those stories at random and read them off one at a time. It will appear on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it is not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time he gets the story correctly, you get two points. Explain it and don't play with toys for five seconds, could you? Every time he gets the story correctly. Who's gay now? It's got to be perfect. my diorama every time he gets the story correctly you get two points every time you fool a person on the panel you get one point so when it's your story you have an opportunity to collect four points that is a very very big moment once you write your answer on the dry erase board and put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand that is your final answer you can't change your answer and I'll tell you right now let me tell you something we're playing for fun this is so much fun we love having fun on the Story Wars podcast But Jay, we're not playing for fun. Let them know we're playing for it today. Every week here on Story Wars. It's not money, you dumb bitch. Don't fucking disparage. Louis, that's not how we talk to new friends. It's crazy that she would say that. She gassed. She went up here. It's not money. It's not money. You gotta let people enjoy us before you show them you're fucking with an animal. It's crazy. She knows what she's trying to do. She's trying to ruin the fucking vibe of the show, dude. Will you act like you're wearing a short-sleeved button-down shirt for five fucking seconds, please? I know you went to a mid-level crab house tonight and you're feeling good about yourself. Hey, baby, you ever seen seafood in a bag? You girls are fine, but it is in fact not money. Every week here at Story Wars, we play for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner, I need that too. Tonight's winner is taking home The Comedy Literary Journal. Eggplant Emoji Volume 5, edited by James P.W. Martin. You can't have a book with the word eggplant in it when we have an all-black pan. Well, it's the eggplant emoji. That just means big black dick. It's not insulting. Sorry, go ahead. Eggplant Emoji Volume 5 is a collection of short stories built for quick reads and big laughs. The book features 13, count them, 13 original pieces selected from 182 submissions, showcasing emerging writers who know how to grab attention fast. Each story is fully developed and character-driven, even in just a few pages. I want that, I want that. How could you not, Dante? Well, it's yours to win, my man. It's yours to take from our cold, dead hands. I think everybody gets it who's going to get it. diorama's all set. I got my burger. You got your Tonkat Ali? I feel like Louis never had toys when he was a kid. He did, but his mom sold it for drugs. This is wildly cool. I'm going to make these two kiss later. Like real life. Remember? Oh, we shouldn't say that in front of our black show. Me and Louis never kissed once to piss off Dave. If that's what you think. I think we're ready to start this thing off. Are you guys ready for war? Yeah. Come on. I was weak. New York City, are you ready for war? Come on. Then without any further ado, Alex. Oh, my God. Is that Martha Stewart? It's not. It's not. No, it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. There are a handful of elderly ladies sitting in the corner over there. Young bitches, this is your future. I am the ghost of Christmas future to show you what happens when you don't shut the fuck up at comedy clubs. First of all, they hope to become this late. First of all, you call them a table of old bitches. That's crazy. A handful? and the lady's got an indoor scarf on which tells me she's sitting on some cash. A little bit. She's done all right for herself. A little bit. You ladies would be fucking happy to have whatever life she has. Sitting there spending some dead guy's cash is my best guess. Yeah? Yeah! This is my new thing, Dante. I can't prove it, but I think she fucked Snoop. She probably fucked Snoop. Yes, it's not Martha Stewart, but she would fuck Snoop. Oh, my God. Alex, story number one. Story number one. A friend of mine smashed this white girl who banged so many Jamaicans, she learned how to play the steel drum. I don't know why I see that coming out of Jay's mouth or something. Also, I just realized that we're going to realize that none of these stories are Big Jay. My friend smashed this white girl who makes so many Jamaicans. It's not you. Why would that be you? Well, it could be me. Yeah, with the steel drum, her pelvis? It could be me. Yeah, why could it be you and not me? Could you say a friend of mine smashed this white, that's how you talk? I just feel like this is more of a brown ethnic thing. You're a white boy, bro. Every story, it's a white person topic. Every story is going to be like, hey, there I was being white. I guess it was Big Jay. Yeah, but I'm white. Fuck you, dude. I feel like Jay smashed some white chicks, though. You smashed a good amount of white puss in your day. And friends of mine have smashed white girls. Yeah, I just feel like a white guy wouldn't say this sentence. This sounds very much like Dante A friend of mine smashed this white girl who banks so many Jamaicans she learned how to play the steel drum I don't know why you're fucking talking Oh no Dante was the Jamaican the whole time We've never had somebody be the other part of the story It's Che's story but it's about Dante I also just feel like if you had a friend who had sex with a lot of Jamaicans you would stop being her friend. Why? Because you're racist. That's a crazy thing to say. Louis, you are far more racist than I am. I feel like Dante would call them Jamaicans. That's what I feel like. It's very possible. Where'd you grow up, Che? I grew up in Vancouver. There's never been a Jamaican that's ever made it to Vancouver. Man, that really made me feel it was Dante. You know, I think I'm getting strong Dante vibes from this. Like, I feel like me and Che, like, we hook up with white girls. We don't smash them. Yes. But you guys may have bigger, blacker friends who smash them. That's fair. That's fair. They do look like they make sweet love to white women. Like boys to men shit. We go down for 45 minutes first. Yeah. Dante's, like, Dante's breaking bitches back. You guys are like spraining pinkies. You guys are eating white girl pussy to let you borrow their car for a week. Dante fucks him and tells him it's his car now. And if they want to use it, they can ask him how. I will eat ass for 15 minutes, huh? Yeah. Got a little blush there. He's trying to get that dead guy's money. I'm going to be wearing that scarf before the night is over. Come on. What are you going to do with all that money? You can't take it with you. Why don't you buy Dante hilariously gigantic cartoonish jewelry? You got a clock and a chain in that budget? What's going on? Dante. Dante, you really have a fucking crazy large... I can't tell if Dante's jewelry is his jewelry or it's the stuff he locks his motorcycle up with. Both. Both. It's both. It's both. All right, I'm getting the voting going. I feel like there's only one answer here, and that answer is Dante Nero. It could be Dante, but I'm telling you, I'm getting outside. Thoughts, this could be Che. We have some Dantes coming around. Lots of Dantes happening right now. Yeah. Oh, you're saying Che Dorena. Yep. Oh. Smash is a young guy word. Che is very much encoded into the young internet culture. Dante wrote C-H-E and then I think whatever his people's language is like some sort of dinosaur language symbol. Well, it's hard to write a click. It's just you do that with your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Our diorama! My burger! Where's my titten burger? Alex, all of our answers are in. All right. Story number one belongs to Che Dorino. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I knew you guys would think it was Dante. That's why I picked that story. Yeah. That's good. I also lived in Toronto for a long time. Lots of Jamaicans there. Really? Yeah. That's where it happened. Wow. Who was this friend? What happened with this guy? He was smashing this girl named Nell. And yeah, I remember her parents had a house in Jamaica that she would go to every summer. Oh, my dream woman. And she exclusively fucked Jamaican dudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he dug her out a few times. And then she told him about how she did African dance. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like from osmosis? Like she picked it up? Yeah. He fucked the gift of African dancing to her? Yeah. That's a big dick. Yeah. I've never fucked a skill into any woman in my life. I haven't been able to fuck a girl to get me a glass of water afterwards. I fucked a girl into pretending she has a headache. Woo! Alex, one of them scores. All right. In last place with zero points, Luis J. Gomez and Sidney Gant. It's all right. It's the first round. Come on. And tied for the lead with two points each, Big Jay Ogerson, Che Durena, and Dante Nero. Yeah. Right now, I'd be splitting this book three ways, and maybe that Martha Stewart lady three ways. Am I right? Yeah. No, you're going to want me there to make sure everyone stays above board. what if you're only fucking one of them and the other one's looking around at all your antiques and shit you don't want that why don't you want me there give them the voice of reason being like that take that dude that's hers you can't sell antiques in the hood also hey I have a tea set who wants this tea set the fuck out of here what are those little ceramic figurines I got a bunch of those Faberge eggs. I got Faberge eggs. Yo, none of the homies looking for a Faberge egg for they moms? It's Christmas. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, yo. You don't want turquoise jewelry for your moms? Fuck y'all. All right. Alex, story number two. Story number two. A member of the KKK once handed me an informational pamphlet. If it was my story, the end of it would be, and I joined the KKK. So here I am. I think it's Dante. Dante seems like he's open to talk to anybody about anything. He was an early level proud boy. He's black as the night. I was the founder. He was the founder of the proud boys. I wouldn't admit that publicly. But it didn't start out as what it became. It was just dude hanging. It was a fun joke at first. And then Gavin McGinnis blew it up in amazing ways. Either way, though, you still have your early badge. I was one of the original founders of ISIS. It was pretty sick. Oh, that's good. But then it got away from you. It got away. Member of KKK handing me an information on Pantheon. I mean, that could be anybody here on the road. You're in a square somewhere in the south. Not anybody. Not everybody. Yeah, I don't think they're going to hand. Well, they hand Jay different informational packets that they hand you Fair enough It like yours are directions out of town Yeah But if they handed this to me I would be like I Jewish And then there be a different story Yeah, I don't think you're admitting you're Jewish to a person, a KKK member handing you a pamphlet. You'd be surprised. Fair enough. You'd be surprised. I don't know why. I don't give a fuck about being Jewish. I'm not religious. I don't give a... I guess the only tie is that my grandparents, I love them and they were Jewish. But something about anyone having a swastika tattoo or something, I feel very weirdly like bold to be like, let them know I'm Jewish, see what they do in anything or say anything. That will get me killed one day. They would hand Jay a pamphlet and he would have folded it into a paper mache yarmulke. That's right. I go, oh good, I forgot my yarmulke at home. Thank you. Give me another one. And here's a paper crane. Please don't kill me. A member of the KKK once handed me an informational pamphlet. I mean, could it be? Jay is almost the obvious answer because he looks like he could be in the KKK. There's no KKK in Philadelphia. It's too obvious. Yeah, but you go on the road a lot. You've been on the road a long time. I don't walk around. I stay in my hotel. Sometimes the KKK will set up little chaos. They do. I travel Hilton a lot. The Hilton properties, the KKK will try to get you to join. Sometimes they give you competitions in town and the clan. Yeah, they give you Hilton honors points. extra thousand points if you join the KKK. That's hard to turn down. He bought an Invicta watch and then he got a KKK pamphlet. Who the fuck is this? It's not Lewis. Can't be Lewis. I mean, Dante is a weird... Here's the thing. You're black. Let me make that clear. But if somebody was like, yo, that black guy is a white supremacist, you'd be like, I see it. Right. You look like an anomaly. By the way, these old white ladies are like, I think I've seen him at the meetings. You're saying that wrong. He looks like an animal. The hunting wives just said that they saw... Is Dante or Big J? Yeah, either Dante. They're not giving Sidney... Sidney literally looks like fucking... He's got a high top fade. He looks like Ola Ola A. You're not handing him a fucking KKK pamphlet. Let's give the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air a pamphlet. Yo, I'm just going to go with logic here. Big J is the white guy on the panel. They could hand him one. This is a Louis move. I think it's Louis. Ooh, really? That made me think it's Louis. It's not me. I think Dante just... This would be obviously. Why would I put the story out? Dante just cleaned the fuck up. I'm looking at his face right now. It might be. He's so happy. He's so happy. Fuck, it may be Dante. Dante walks around with an actual broken back. He can't smile. And he physically can't smile. This is how happy he is right now that he's smiling for the first time in 22 years. It's killing him right now. Alex, we're all in. All right, everybody. Story number two belongs to Sidney Gates. No way. It. Let's fucking go. Let's go! That's a big round. Come on. Talk about not give Sidney. Not give Sidney a pamphlet? Where was this, Sid? What are you talking about? Where'd you get this pamphlet? Well, I was asking about how to start a chapter. Yeah, no, so I grew up in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, and until 1994, every single year, the KKK would march down our main street. And one year, my stepmom... Freedom of expression. Freedom of expression. Freedom of expression. It's the USA. We love this country. Yeah, by the way, the cops would never stop us if we would throw rocks into the parade. Nice. Oh, that's awesome. Pretty sick. But no, no, but they would measure. If you had a handful of pebbles, you're good. Actual rock, it's like, nah, you got to fuck. Yeah, you can't kill anybody. You can't send anybody to the hospital. You can fucking ruin their day. Yeah, but to be honest, to be fair, actual rocks to Dante are just pebbles. It's a different rock. See these hands, ladies? Now you see him, now you don't. You better hope he comes down with all them rings. He goes, yes, doctor, I believe I have a silver falcon ring inside of me. I think I have a spread-winged falcon ring inside of me. If you find that, pull it out. so how do they hand you a packet so my stepmom who happens to be a white lady thought it would be funny if we drove near the parade to like fuck with the KKK people and they were handing out pamphlets to the people that were driving in the car and every time we would pass one she would go hand it to my son in the back and then like they would look at me that's either hilarious or the most abusive thing What if they threw a rope around your neck immediately and yanked you out of the car? She goes, oh, joke got away from me. Joke got away. No, guys, guys. That's my stepson. I'm sorry, Mrs. Gant. So only one guy handed me a pamphlet. But when he did, when he went to go hand me the pamphlet, when he saw me, he was like, oh, fuck. but you could see even through his sheet for a split second he was like well I don't want to be racist nice nice it's crazy you should have been like do you guys have a summer camp program two stories out Alex where are our points at hey you guys need a point guard for your basketball team alright in last place with zero points Louis J. Gomez hey it's okay I'm just warming up, boys. Just cracking your knuckles. Tied for second place with two points each, Big Jay Oakerson, Che Darina, and Dante Nero. Yeah. Wow. And in the lead with four points, Sidney Gantz. Sid the kid. That fast. I'm here to win, baby. Sid, feels nice, right? It feels so good. All right, guys. Let's take a quick moment and thank AG1 for supporting the show. We love AG1. 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And every fucking day I use it, I feel like an old gentleman. Yeah. But this is better. You don't need to take all those pills for all of these amazing things. And it tastes great. They have citrus, berry, tropical, plus AG1's original flavor. You just scoop and add 8 to 10 ounces of water and mix it up, and you are good to go. AG1 has over 50,000 verified five-star reviews, and it comes with a 90-day money-back guarantee. That is the guarantee right there. If you don't like it, you're getting your money back. You have nothing to lose here, just your health, really. For a limited time only, go to drinkag1.com slash wars, W-A-R-Z, drinkag1, the number one, .com slash wars to get a free AG1 flavor sampler, plus their brand new product, which is AGZ, and you can try out all their flavors, plus free vitamin D3, K2, and an AG1 welcome kit with your first AG1 subscription order, only available while supplies last. That's drinkag1.com slash wars. Fellas, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting the show. Mando has been created by a doctor, and it's truly the best deodorant that I've ever worn in my entire life. Clinical strength, whole body deodorant, which everyone's copying now. These guys were first to market with this. I'm seeing all the big brands copy the whole body deodorant. Oh, okay, Speed Sticks, good for my ball back now? Fuck right off. Look, they got incredible scents like bourbon leather, Cloverwoods, Mount Fuji, or Pro Sport, but it's for the whole body. You can put it in any little crack, crevice, anything that stinks on your body, they have you covered. If you put Mount Fuji smell in your balls, though, you have to shoot a fucking big load. I do bourbon leather, so it just comes out like an old gentleman. It just comes out like a... I use the ball deodorant. I use it sometimes on the cracks and crevices in between my folds on my fat stomach. Sometimes you let me put it on you. Yeah, with your mouth. I have you spray it in your mouth and you spit it into my butt. Yeah, you go decorate my folds. Some men mask their B.O. with scents. Mando men do it right. Don't mask it. Mando it. It's available at retailers. You see it in every store now, but you can get a limited offer right now. 20% off for Story Warriors. Go to shopmando.com. Shopmando.com. Use the promo code wars, W-A-R-Z for 20% off today. Alright, where were we? Alex, story number three. Story number three. I won a bronze medal for fencing in the state junior Olympics. It's going to be weirdly Dante. No, if it was, I won a bronze medal for fencing car stereos, it would be Dante. Fencing? How Puerto Rican of you. Dante's father was athletic. I saw a picture of his father dressed like Sinbad the Sailor. Dante. I feel like Dante, I have Dante all over. Dante's fucking crazy. I know Dante started comedy later in life too, right? Dante lived a fucking life. Dante lived like three lives before he got into comedy. Louis was telling us a story outside of a time 20 years ago that at 280 pounds or so you showed him that you can do some kind of a cyclone kick that scared him so much. It was outside of stand-up New York 20 years ago, Dante. You're never going to remember this because this is just the life of a black martial artist. You just showed me, you did this kick where it was, you know Guile from Street Fighter? He spins around and his back heel comes up and whips around and you did it one inch from my nose and it went, and the wind that I felt from your big black foot made me go, oh shit, there's different levels of human being. I'll never forget, it was a moment. He goes, people are dangerous. that's what he found out that day you felt safe right ladies no one's bringing to your house if Dante's there Dante lived a whole other life and he was very very athletic Dante so you guys know is 86 years old he is an old an old dog just so you know when your brother when your brother-in-law of your passed away husband comes pissed off that Dante's banging you Dante will fuck his shit up good destroy him dude right in your driveway but Dante Dante is an old dog and I could see I mean Junior Olympics mid 70s you're just getting into some shit you know a lot of martial arts a lot of different martial arts you have a crazy background I completely agree with Big J on this also there's nothing in this that says anything about white people it's just assumed that fencing is white so it is from a black perspective for sure 1 million percent. Yeah. 1 million percent. All that white people shit, fencing, that's fucking crazy, right? All right. Yeah, it's Dante. I'm getting the voting going. It's Dante. Hold on. We're all trying to draw pictures right now. Yeah, I can't get one of those fencing helmets on this box. I drew a fence. It's Dante. It's Dante. Big J. Oakerson coming out of nowhere with a... It's young Dante fencing. Drawing Che Durena the whole time. He's holding it sideways. Louis, I believe Che Durena is a young Dante because I see time as a flat circle. Oh, like it? Like Pennywise? Like Pennywise. Me and Louis both watched Welcome to Derry, so we both are now going to say things like time is a flat circle. We don't really know what it means, but all the YouTube breakdowns of that show said that. Spoiler alert. Time is a flat circle. Alex, all of our answers are in. Everyone votes Dante. Dante votes Sidney. Whose story was it? You got to put the arm up in the back when you do the on-guard position. Of course. Alex? Story number three belongs to Dante Nier. Yeah. So I my dad used to do youth work in like 1935 and he asked me Holy shit dude My dad he also was a bouncer at the Cotton Club That's crazy He invented the Charles thing You might know my father Bugsy Malone from the As a black man doing youth work in the 1935 you have to do it in the Underground Railroad yeah was it on the run his dad was doing youth work before they invented Nikes and shit that's crazy funny thing my dad was born 1920 he had me when he was 51 so he was the youngest of 16 and his older brother actually was muscle for Bumpy Johnson no shit that's what I call That's what I call my cock. That's the Frank Lucas time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the, what's the American gangster? I have a Bumpy Johnson, folks. Lewis doesn't know anything about black history like I do. You said Bumpy Johnson like people were going to be like, oh, Bumpy Johnson. Oh, this guy's Canadian, doesn't count. American gangster, dude. Yeah, it's American gangster. So my dad worked for the Parks Department, asked me if I wanted defense. I was like nine. And there was a guy who actually was supposed to, the first black dude that ever was supposed to go to the Olympics in 73. Is that how you know Dante is old? He says the first black dude that was supposed to dot, dot, dot. What happened? Of that guy? What happened to that guy? Are you friends with him? Yeah. Anyway, Jesse Owens whistled at a white girl and they hung him from a tree. Oh my god No Dante in your lifetime Dante It was historical back then to like almost do shit Dante You should tell stories by being the first I was the first black swimmer ever in Idaho No one's going to challenge you to go Whoa dude that's awesome Yeah yeah yeah I was the first black person to walk into a subway in Chicago I didn't buy anything I just asked him if the cookies are fresh and I left still I used the bathroom so he popped his Achilles heel on Coney Island couldn't go took a job with the parks department he was teaching inner city kids how to fence my dad asked me when to go I was like sword fight sure I got really good at it and a white dude saw me doing it and entered me into the Junior Olympics I got a bronze medal in the Junior Olympics Wow. I'll tell you what. You go to college? Yeah. My daughter fenced for a little bit because her mom was real big on, like, take the things that are, like, no one does. Yeah, yeah. Because you can get scholarships real easy. I got a two-year ride. Because of fencing. Yeah, so no one does fencing. Dude, a black dude fencing? You might as well apply to Harvard. They'll take you. That's crazy. Am I the only person that saw his story in black and white in their head? Is it just me? Yeah. When Alex read the story, all I heard was... So the blacks are fencing. Oh, the Junior Olympics are here, everybody. All right. Didn't let a colored boy join the team. The first Negro fencer ever to take place in the Junior Olympics. Okay, let's go. Alex, three stories down. Where are our points at? Alright. Alex is tickled right now. The story wars get better every week or does it get better every week? I keep on waiting to have a bad episode and it's never not good. Alright. Tied for fourth place with two points each, Luis J. Gomez and Dante Nero. Tied for second place with four points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Che Dorina. And in the lead with six points, Sydney Gant. What? What? What? Yo, Philly comes to play. I ain't looking back. Philly comes to play. Tell that Martha Stewart chick to get my short cordy board ready. Let's go. Wow. Sidney taking us by storm. First time on the show. Incredible. Yeah, I got beat up at Gang Fest. I need to redeem myself. That's it, dude. We're going to come back next year strong and hard. Alex, story number four. Story number four. One time I was chased off a girl's property by her racist older brother. He had a Confederate flag on his car and did not live in the South. This could be quietly, Louis. Quietly? Why is it quietly? This could easily be me. No, I know, but you always believed you lived your life as a white person, but there were people who... I was like, yeah, let's get him. Come on, buddy. Let's get this spick out of the neighborhood. Let's go. I'll get a torch. This could be... Listen, no one has a Confederate flag in fucking Canada. So, Jay, if they do, they fucking... They're such posers that you should just fight all four of them. Hey, we're hillbillies. Shut up. You're above the north. I mean I think everyone nobody here lived in the south right like everyone grew up in the Philly and Philadelphia racists aren't confederate flag people Philly racists are like you fucked my sister you fucking black cocksucker that's the kind of racism in Philly you're gonna fuck my cousin let me go on record and say it the confederate flag is just history it's just history that's a proud boy right there it's a fucking snap shut into the past Guys, look at the diorama Don't erase our history That's what we're saying It's part of history Guys, don't fucking Turn your blind eye to history Wait a second We lost the only black woman in the audience She's coming back, right? The black woman in the audience She's coming back, right? Can I say that I don't think that I don't want the only black woman in the audience to leave It would make me feel terrible I think that in Canada It would be a story That somebody had a confederate flag on the front National News. I'm going to go Sydney because Sydney's got a white stepmom. Would have got him in plowing a nice white girl. Nice little delicious. Well, Jonte, I know it's not the 1940s anymore, but I'll let you know this now. White girls fuck black guys just because of their humongous cocks. Or if they believe you have a humongous cock. I know, dude. But man, wouldn't it suck to be the black guy being the letdown? Ah, what? It doesn't suck as bad as you think. You're like, what? It's not white at least. I just feel like Dante, nobody's chasing Dante off a property. Dante's going to just stand his ground. Dante's going to chase you off your property. This is my house now. I'm keeping your flag. And I'm flying it. Loud and proud. The south shall rise. That's my Dante impression It's not bad, it's not great I think there's also a chance this could be Jay Playing the game and trying to put it on a black person Because this does not sound like a white person's story Just so you know, that's what Louis is doing This is a move This is a move Whoa This is a move that Jay is playing right now I'm telling you right now I wanted to believe that it was anyone else on this panel He's so desperate, he's in last place he dressed up like a fucking child. He's going to take his first communion pictures after this. Louis, do this. Do it, Louis. Do it. Louis, do this. Go on, do it. Yeah! First communion! To Big J, anything but a hoodie is dressing up. By the way, I have a cashmere hoodie in case I have to dress up. Also, by the way, Louis, he didn't tell you to make that face when you did it. That was your choice. By the way, he's voting me. This is a desperate man. If you've ever watched the show, you will know this is exactly how Big J acts when it is him. Why would I? Louis, wait. Before anybody else, I'm so happy. Desperation. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. Why would a racist older brother chase me off of a story? Because you put the story in. No, because the more racist they are, the more you let them know you're Jewish. You think it's Jewish racism chasing me off a thing? Yes. Oh, it could be Jewish racism. Jewish racism Buddy you out of your mind Also big brothers love chasing fat kids I was a fat kid And by the way I not being a pussy here or I not being crazy but I will not run from somebody's older fucking brother. Fuck that shit, doggy. It's crazy. I'm not a bitch. Sidney, look at me. I'm not a bitch. I know you voted me. Put it in the slot, but I'm going to tell you this. You just handed Lewis points. I'm not going to put it in the slot yet. Can we ask Chase some questions to put a little heat on him first? Please. It's possible. Jay wrote it very quickly for me without saying anything. He did. Under the radar, just... If somebody in Canada had a Confederate flag, it doesn't make any fucking sense. There's no attachment to their history. I hate that I'm doing this. I went Lewis because he kind of looked shifty, and then he tried to put it on me. He's like, that would kind of be a story if it was in Canada. And that made me be like, you were trying to throw shade somewhere. I tried to throw any shade. Security. You're right, dude. It's Lewis. Security. Security. Remove this person right now. No security, Lewis. You don't have security here. I'm letting you know. I'm 100% positive this is Big Jay Oakerson. Wow. This is a smart. Can I tell you something? I'm not 100% as Lewis, but it's not me. He's playing the game so well right now. You're watching him like levels and levels. He's actually become pretty fucking good at the game. Clap for Big Jay. Bravo, bravo. There's a lot of fanfare, dude. Sidney Yance votes for Che. Oh, Sidney. It was Che, not Che. I think it's Louis. You thought I said Big Che. Yeah, I did promise myself when it came to this part of the game where you two were going back and forth, I wasn't going to fuck up. And I think I fucked up. It's possible. I think you did. And it's one of the two of them. Alex, everybody's in. Story number four Belongs to Louis Jay Louis Fuck me I knew it I knew it Classic Jay Classic Jay Everyone he's gotten Really good at the game Why don't we give A round of applause For being so good at the game Oh you fucking You short sleeve Button down shirt queen Oh, fuck. Oh, I love deceiving my friends. It makes me so happy. So yeah, this chick, Suzanne O'Keefe was her name. And they lived in Tompkins Cove. Full government name, huh? Tompkins Cove in New York. And we were in high school. And like, you know, Stony Point, Tompkins Cove was all like white people. The further north you got, we were a little more racist. We were in Havish. We were Havish, our kids. And she had a pool. so like we went over our house dude and our brother came home in the middle of the day in a pickup truck with a fucking confederate flag on the back and we saw it and we were like fuck we're in trouble dude he literally he was like if these fucking motherfuckers don't get off this property he had a full fledged southern accent Stony Point New York this is upstate New York if they don't get on my property right now I'm gonna get my gun and we just fucking ran out of there and started fucking walking let's hightail it boys You know what kind of gave it away When Lewis was like I wouldn't run away from a guy And I was like yeah you would Oh I ran I don't run from a man I fear no man that bleeds Alex what are our scores at halftime Alright In last place with two points Dante Nero It's okay It's okay In fourth place with four points, Luis J. Gomez. Yeah. Showed up. Showed up. And tied for first place with six points each, Big J. Oakerson, Che Dureno, and Sidney Gantz. I'm coming after it tonight. I'm coming after it tonight. I'm taking that as a win for Philly right there. Philly's in the lead. Let's go. Alex, I'm in third place or Dante's in third place, I'm in second place, and they're in first place. It's kind of weird to go sixth place. I mean, I guess, but there's three people in first place. So technically... Second from last place is Louis. I don't know. I wouldn't call myself in fourth place. Tied for third from last. Me, Che, Sidney. Sure. And first, as far as last place goes, Dante with two. With three people ahead of him, Louis J. Gomez. Yeah! The heat is on! The Eggplant Emoji Volume 5 is short stories designed for modern attention spans. These are stories you can start between subway stops and finish before your coffee gets cold without feeling rushed or incomplete. The writing is punchy, confident, and focused on strong ideas and big laughs. well the black couple figured they put enough time in waiting for this to get good and they left I was watching them, they were having a great time black people are just literally like you know, I'm done, then they leave it's crazy, why do they do that? in the middle of a movie they'll do that what if this is all just an alibi to rob a Chinese grocery store did you guys not watch Juice recently? No. We're at the halfway point. What we do every time at the halfway point is we do some quick plugs. This will be coming up probably a month from now or so, Dante. So what are you plugging, my friend? I'm going to be in, I'll be, just my podcast. This way I don't know what I'm doing. Man School 202. That's it. It's like, do you do it like seasonally? Because the numbers have changed. What do you mean? The numbers change through time. Well, because I used to be Black Phillip with Patrice. Then it was Beige Phillip with me. Wasn't there a 101 at one point I thought for some reason? No, never It was always 202? Because they didn't have that Would all people with AIDS Please leave right now Would all people with AIDS Leave right now Sorry AIDS patients Leave right now Leave right now If you're gonna go have a baby And put it in the garbage In the bathroom Leave right now If you're gonna have A fucking A high school abortion Damn, dude Your girlfriend's about to have A high school abortion Your baby Your seed, dog Sidney Gant Yeah, follow me on social media at Sidney Gant I have one of the best podcasts in the world World War Fund, one of the funniest people, Ryan Shaner I'm trying to do my fucking plugs Ladies, girls We're not giving away money, shut the fuck off You guys are ruining my life right now You guys are ruining Sidney's life Can you Karens not ruin this black man's life for five seconds, let him do his plugs Then you can get him arrested for selling water in front of your house yeah world war fun is the podcast with ryan shaner and i gotta say ryan shaner he just wrote a book called solomon get it hell yeah well we'll give it away on a future story wars let's do that it's out yeah yeah let's do it next week yeah i'll bring one chay darana uh you can see me in la at the comedy store on january 18th you can see me in phoenix at stand up live on february 19th And then check out my podcast, Two Goons, if you like porn stars, a place to go. Oh, yeah. Very cool. Yeah, yeah. Big J. BigJComedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the place. I never get off the fucking road. Maybe for like a week or two in the summer, but it just seems like they want to see me die in a hotel. But that dedication will have me in a city near you this year for sure. I'll name the tour when the new year hits. We'll figure it out. Something fun where I get to go like this to my friends at the end of it. of course listen to the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM 103 sorry with me and the great Robert Kelly and of course the flagship show over here at Gas Digital the legion of motherfucking skanks if you know you know and I'm doing live streams I have a YouTube page too Big J Okerson on YouTube I do live streams now once in a while have fun with those come see me live on the road lewisofskanks.com sign up for my mailing list where I'm doing tons of giveaways and that's where you can get an extra bonus podcast every week just for subscribers I'm touring I'm going to Batavia, Illinois in mid-January then I'll be in Kansas City, Missouri with Colm Turrell and Amias, Pennsylvania after that lots of fun stuff coming up go to lewisofskanks.com check out all the other pods Legion of Skanks the regs the real ass podcast which just fucking returned baby boys R.A.P. baby boy and last but not least make sure you go buy my book. Pre-order my book, Knives and Spoons. It's available on Amazon right now in both hardcover and on Kindle. And I'm going to be doing an audio version very soon as well. So get that. Pre-order it. Get me on the New York Times bestseller list. It'll be very funny. I can't read. How funny would it be if I got a New York Times bestseller list? Let's do it. Last but not least, go to gasdigital.com. If you love this show, we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show that comes out every Monday night before it goes anywhere else. You can get it uncensored and ad-free at gasdigital.com. Lots of fun stuff that we can't put on YouTube or anywhere else. Plus, there's about 40 episodes that are not available. Every episode has about 8 to 10 N-words in it we cut out. Well, on this one, we only have 3. We have to cut out. What a commitment to not being racist. Let's cut out half a shade. Just go to gasdigital.com and use the promo code WAR and you save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. You get 40 episodes that aren't available anywhere else. That's only available on demand at gasdigital.com. All right. We're done with the halfway point. It changes up in the second half of the show. I know, Dante, you're probably feeling pretty shitty right now. Why did I drive all the way down here? Why did I waste my time? Why did I lie about all the traffic on the FDR? Remember I said there was an accident nobody could find on Citizen App? It doesn't matter. That's all the past, man. Because for the final four stories here at Story Wars, every week, we go double point. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You seem confused. It's okay. It's a pretty simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. That now jumps up to double points. Ooh, double point nipple clamps. Yeah. I didn't do it on purpose that time. I know. You never know when you say, oh my god, I can't believe that lady put a fucking fetus in a goddamn trash can. And then you just come back all willy-dilly to eat popcorn and watch comedy. You animal. I love her. Sir, you were going to propose, you said go for it. Now's the time. No way. Thanks, sir. If you find a woman who will queef a fetus into a trash can at a comedy club, you lock her down. My diorama. Alex! Story number five. Story number five. I had a white-ass cop pull me over for doing 32... for doing 32 and a 25. He took a look at me and started tearing my car apart looking for something illegal. He found nothing and left my car all fucked up while his ass drove away. Dude. Damn. Damn. Listen, listen, listen. Let me see this. Let me see this. Jadis is fucking racist. Big Jack, Big Jack. What? I want you to read this in your black old man voice. Read this in your black voice, and then I'm going to make a decision on who I think this is. I had a white-ass cop pull me over from doing 32 and 25. Took one look at me, started tearing my car apart, looking for something illegal. He found nothing and left my car all fucked up while his ass just drove away. Yeah, yeah. That's not how I talk, though. That's not how you talk, but it could be you playing the game. Oh, it is a game, right? Yeah, I definitely think it's Jay. Yeah. But if I was a cop... I wouldn't call a cop a white-ass cop. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I feel like I would have a hard time as a cop believing that Dante did not have something illegal in his car. And I would tear it up looking for it. No, this says they tore it up. Yeah. You're saying they wouldn't tear up Dante. No, you definitely would for Dante. But I think it's you. You think it's Dante, but it's me? Or you. Or you. It's one of you two. The only other answer is that it's Lewis pretending to be Jay doing a fake black guy. That's the only other. That is an extremely high-level story. Man, that is two layers. Although Lewis is pretty good at the game. But wasn't your story the last story? Yeah, but that doesn't matter. I know it doesn't matter, but still. Jay, it happens a lot. I know, but it just makes me think. Where there's two in a row. It just makes me think. Think all you want. I don't want to convince you that it's my story. It's not my story, but I will let you know that that means absolutely nothing. We had an entire halftime happen. Yeah. I also think, I think it could be, because he's young, and I think they only say white ass cop. They don't say cop any other way. White ass? Yeah. It's the ass. Look, here's the thing. I don't even want to give you guys this insight right here, but here's the truth. This is a person trying to sound like a black person. So it's me. Sidney Garrett. You got me. so I mean I really I genuinely really deep down inside believe this is Big J trying to sound like a black person you just did this for the story you just did this exact same thing what did I do you said this is deeply truly J and then it was he wrote J and then it was me so you think it's me no I don't think it's you but you're doing that same thing. I think this is... This is classic Nick J. We've all seen it a million times before. You are so lucky the blackest couple I've ever seen left. Or they're still there and their eyes are shut. And that is why they left. This is Nick J101. We've all been here before. I've known this guy for over 20 years. We know who it is. I think this is Jay. I'm going Louis on this one because I do think Louis is sneaky enough to do a multi-layered scheme like that. To blame it on me. I think it's a double entendre type thing, but I went with Big Louis. He doesn't mean it, dude. It's just the way you look in that tiny shirt. I put on a little weight. It's just the way you look in your tiny shirt. I'll be back. I'll be shredded. I feel like Chase sneaky as fuck, too. Man, you got to stop believing in me when I say shit. You're fucking me up. I'll tell you this. I've never owned a car. So that gives the idea. Big J. All right. All five answers are in. Alex. Story number five Belongs to Big J O'Kerson I gave them the keys To the castle and they fucking Threw them on the floor Big J Yeah Fucking white ass cop I was going to Kurt Metzger's house Doing 32 and a 25 And he pulled me over And then he was like you know you're doing 32 I go, oh, I'm sorry. And he just looked at me, and in his defense, slightly, a lot of fubu and shit. In his defense, Jay was in full blackface. I was. I mean, the proverbial blackface. Fubu in full blackface. And I had a phone charger for all my black friends who had cell phones, the Nokia charger, but I didn't have a phone yet. So I had the charger, and he goes, that's for a radar detector, isn't it? And I was like, no, it's for cell phones. And he goes, no, you have a radar detector. And then he just trashed my car, threw everything out of every glove box and everything. And then he goes, I don't see a radar detector. Have a good day. And they just made me pick all my shit up off the floor of the fucking street or anything. I'll tell you why that was. Because he saw me as black. He thought you were so black that he evicted you from your car. It was awful. He treated me like such shit. I'm waiting to get white privilege from a cop. I'm mad at myself because we got pulled over on the road by a fucking hick white ass dude. We got pulled over by a hick who fucking recognized me. He goes, dude, I know you. And then he went to his car and I was like, he's going to come back and be like, hey man, I just wrote you a warning or whatever. He goes, here's three tickets. You've got to come back to court almost near Canada. It was a problem on my license for multiple years. he recognized me and then he went yeah so here's all your tickets and I didn't get nothing Dante got nothing he slept as I was driving a car from Canada with Dante's face on the side of it five stories down Alex where are points at alright in last place with two points Dante Nero Dante they can turn around so fast you have no idea in fourth place with six points Che Darina in third place with eight points Luis J Gomez and tied for first place with 10 points I was in second place it should be pointed out we've been doing the scores the same for 75 episodes this is the problem I'm telling you that it should be changed I'm in second place. I'm not in third place. There is no second place. What? You're in third place. No, there's two people tied for first place and I'm in second place. There's three people tied for first place. No, there's two people tied for first place. Dumbass. Ten points each. You're in third place. Big Jay Oakerson and Sidney Gantz. Yeah. Go Birds. Go Birds. Fuck ISIS. Free Palestine. Go Birds. The big game's coming up on Sunday. Wouldn't it be fun if you're a chick or a gay guy to have a little skin in the game? Oh, or Lewis. What the hell? No, that's good. You don't have to be a sports aficionado to get into the action with prize picks. It's America's favorite daily fantasy sports app. It's so easy. It's so, so easy. You simply pick two to six players. You pick more or less against their projected stats. For instance, is that a little you have to know? Quarterback for the team in blue is supposed to have two touchdowns. you say more or less. He's like running touchdowns in. The quarterback? He throws them. That's what I'm saying. He throws it. Would he get the two touchdowns? Yes. He's going to be more than two. Maybe. It has to be. What a boring game that would be. It can be. Sometimes it's going to be a defensive back. I have no faith. These are the two best teams in the league. Lewis, if you're having this party the way you say you are, I'm going to get you in the game with some prize picks. I love it. Let's put some fun stuff down. And good news right now. if you play your first $5 you're going to get $50 instantly in lineups. That's it. If you put $5 in only, $50 instantly in lineups, guaranteed. You don't even have to win to get the $50. It's absolutely guaranteed. It seems like mathematically that they're going to lose a lot of money on this. They are fucking losing their shirts on this shit. PrizePix is right now borderline thinking about mortgaging their homes to keep this thing alive. We should have the CEO of PrizePix on the show. One time I lost my entire business with a dumb promo. The guy can't stop crying. I've seen him. He's a fucking mess. His wife left. PrizePix also has early payouts. That's another dumb idea. You can cash out your winnings before the game's even done. 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Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. And then you absolve yourself of all responsibility, dude? You must have stock in this company. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. All right, where were we? Alex, story number six. Story number six. For a span of three years, I went horseback riding every Saturday. This could weirdly be Dante. Dante's got skills no one would expect. The guy surprised me for 25 years now. Dante already has a horse back. True that. This sounds, to me, this is Canada shit. Yeah. It feels like Canada shit. This feels like straight up Canada shit. But it also feels like Dante shit at the same time. I can't fence and do horseback. No, there's no way. Unless your dad was also a carriage fucking pilot. Dude, if you're a horse and you see Dante about to get out of your back, you're like... Well, once again, this is implied whiteness. There's nothing mentioning anything about actual white people. That's the clue that I think it could be Dante. Yeah, it is implied whiteness on this one. Dante believes that Sidney's name is spelled S-D-N-E-E. Different every time. It's been different every single time. Every time. He didn't even try for a sometimes vowel or anything. He was like, that's what it's going to be. Yeah, Dante got some white hobbies, man. It's Dante or it's Che. I'm doing Che Durena featuring Wisconsin Tiff. That's what she looks like now since she had ribs removed. What a psycho, dude. That was a Marilyn Manson myth, and she did it for real. Jay, you're half white. I am half white. But only on your pussy side. Mom's white or dad's white? Dad's white. No, mom's white. What? You forgot? What? What a boring question. Sorry. The answer is always the same 100% of the time when you ask. Unless you're Bill Burr's child. This motherfucker's pretending to be him No I'm telling you You can go and you'll fuck yourself on this one Nah this isn't me Have you been horseback riding? I have been horseback riding How many times? The horse buck I think twice Black guys don't ride horses a lot Because you gotta pick which side of the horse's back To put your wang on they don't tell you that in the stables you gotta find out the hard way this is a fucking tough one I think it's easy it could also be said honestly Sid is very whitewashed Pottstown will have definitely horse places for sure it's out there it's the deep suburbs of Philly It is. Very rural. It's horseback. You think, fuck, I should have said Sidney. We used to have a guy come to our neighborhood every weekend to let people ride his horse. From the Klan? Birth of a nation. Have you had a pamphlet, young man? My vote is for Sidney. Yeah, fuck, Lewis might be stealing this. Oh, no, you said Sidney, too. Yeah. But you spelled it without an award. Whatever. You know what it is. No, I like it. No, I like it. No, he made it like a vanity license plate. You take out the vowels. Until the end, you add vowels don't exist. Dante's only used to spelling by printing on license plates. Yo, I got you a license plate for your fucking Beamer. Damn, dude. That super black couple would have laughed at that song. They would have loved it. They were both so black. They were both the same kind of black. Yeah, they were black. Alex, all of our answers are in. Six stories down. Where are we at? Story number six belongs to Dante Leroy. Boom! No! No! That's one of his many skills. I used to bounce at a club, and after the club... What? That's a crazy start to this story. Yo, come ride horses, motherfucker. And any of the club owner, the white dude who owned the club, and any of the drunk white girls that were there, we would go to Jamaica Riding Academy right on the Belt Park. Yeah, man. And we would ride horses the first ride of the night. Every Saturday? Every Saturday. Oh, middle of the night? No, no, like first thing in the morning. First thing in the morning. Like 7 in the morning. Damn. That's cool. Did you fall in love? Not, but like when you ride in the morning, it's the first time the horses get up, so they want to run. So this chick actually fell off and broke her leg. Oh, Jesus. So you guys had to shoot her? You got to put her down. She's not going to win a race anymore. Alex, where are our points at? Do you really want me to change the way I read the scores? No. I can do it. No. You're reading them perfectly. OG. OG stuff. Hold on. Let me say this. Let's ask the audience because I think that you should be saying the places. No, you don't think so. Oh, fucking buy the book Poindexter over here in his short-sleeved button-down shirt. I think that we should do the scores a blah, blah, blah. Okay, say it. Read the scores in the retorted way that makes no sense. Go ahead, Alex. Louis, you're acting real button-down shirt, ladies. Real button-down. Let's check the rule book. I hate nerds. Go ahead, Alex. Read them however you decide if you want to read them. Alex. OG. In last place, with six points, Dante Nero. He's in. He's in the game. In fourth place, with three people ahead of him, with eight points, Luis J. Gomez. Tied for second place with 10 points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Shea Darina. Look out, Wisconsin Tiff. Let me just say you went from fourth to tied for second. It makes no sense. What are you talking about? Why would they be tied for third? There's no rhyme or reason. The night's about chaos. The only blacks left. A lady killed a baby in the bathroom. room. These girls have not interested in the show for the least one for one minute. Our diorama! One thing is absolutely for sure. Within a matter of three weeks, Dante will be living with that lady. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! She's like, I want you to have me while you wear my rubies. Have me while you're draped in my rubies. Alex. And in the lead with 14 points, Sydney Gabb. Go Birds. Let's go. Why are they playing on Saturday this weekend? So stupid. Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. I met a white woman who believes that aliens put a microchip inside of her boob. Okay, that has to be Che. He interviews porn stars, and they're dumb and love talking about their tits. This is Che. I met a white woman who believes that aliens put a microchip inside of her boob. This is Che. I'm going Sydney on this one. White people believe in aliens. That's country shit. But he's not that country. He's not that country. It's not as country as black people think Vancouver is. Yeah. I mean, it's either me or Che and it's not me. That's how I feel. Yeah. It's either you or Che. I feel like Che exclusively deals with white women that believe shit in their boobs. Lewis, you're dressed like the assistant manager of this club. Who do you think it is? I had to wear a nice button down to it. Of course, dude. How could you not, man? I went to a nice restaurant. Goddamn right, dude. You went to Outback Steakhouse in Times Square. In motherfucking Times Square. And they're like, oh, Mr. Gomez, you're blooming onion. Oh, fuck you. This is a crucial round for me right now. I have to get this answer right in order to say in the game, this is the seventh round. I do believe it's Che. I could help you on this, dude. Che. Che. Is this you, bro? It's not me, man. I think it's Che. Dante votes for Che. I think it's Che. No, now I think it's Dante. Fuck. Louis, you made a good decision, especially on employee evaluation day that you've dressed up for. Che is the answer, and it is the only answer. I agree. Alex, all five answers are in. Story number seven belongs to Che Doreen. Yes. Yes. Jay got no points on that round. Jay got conked. We found out too early that you talk to dummies a lot. Was that both times? Did you get no points both times it was your story? No, no, I got points on the last one. Okay, so what happened with the story here? Yeah, it's Nicole Aniston. She is a porn star. Porn star. Yeah. No, she talked to us for 45 minutes about how Black Hawk helicopters are following her. She has a microchip in her tit. And then she meditates. Who wants their dick sucked? She meditates and communicates. You guys all acted like it was really interesting because you want your dick sucked? You're like, this is so cool. You go, wow, that's crazy. So did the aliens, did they implant it or was it like laparoscopic? Having to act interested for a hot chick sucks. Especially when her ideas are batshit. And that's when it took me and started studying my brain. And you go, whoa, what did they find? no wait hey you want to finish talking about this in the hot tub or whatever Alex what are our scores tied for fourth place with 10 points each Che Dorena and Dante Nero yeah coming up coming up but do you get what I'm saying you said that they're fourth oh my god Louis she admitted that they're fourth place this is what I'm saying Just switch cell phone plans. Stop complaining. At this T-Mobile, they're not going to hear your complaints. Also, they're giving out your bills, which we decided a month ago that wouldn't happen anymore. No, that's not true. You've got to let them know. Martha Stewart bought that black Amex car. You know you're spending that bottomless money. You got that bottomless money. Ooh, Dante, you're going to be so rich, dude. You're going to be rubbing witch hazel over her knees at night. I can't wait. I can't wait till you can't hang out because you're tending this woman. Love to do story wars, but we're going equestrian. We're going to be taking our two-person sports car that doesn't have a roof out. I'll be wearing my driving gloves if anyone needs me. Alex? Dante, you should become her husband, but you should only let her ride in the back seat while you drive. In third place, with 12 points, Luis J. Gomez. Yeah. Yeah. I call him second second place. You're right next to second place, dude. In second place, with 14 points, Big J. Oberson. Yeah. And in the lead with 18 points, Sidney Gant. Sidney came to play. Sidney came to play. What's the record? What's the record I wanted? 75 points. The record? No, the record is like 48 points. It's some crazy shit. Yeah. We got one story left? We have one story left. And let me tell you something. One story left to take home The comedy literary journal Eggplant Emoji Volume 5 Which proves that literature Doesn't not have to feel like homework It brings energy back to short fiction And makes reading feel fun And accessible again This is the kind of book that reminds you Why people fall in love with stories In the first place This is a closer game than we've had In quite some time Alex Story Good No, it was good That was one of the ladies Jesus, sir That was one of the white girls Karen, you pig Alex Story number eight Story number eight My white girlfriend had a cat That kept attacking me One day it crossed a line So I kidnapped it and dropped it off at the mall When she realized it was missing I refused to help her look for it It's something Louis would do That's for sure Louis I agree That is crazy That is a crazy story I agree it should be Louis Time out First of all I'm an animal lover I would never do that Well you are dressed like a crocodile hunter You are dressed for safari I have dated almost exclusively white women You hate Hispanics and blacks You scoff at an Asian But this is not me I mean here's the thing The cat that kept attacking me You have to understand like who looks like a cat toy? Che Durena. He's got a giant ball-like head. The cat kept on jumping on its head. It's the worst deflect of all time. That's crazy. Che would not leave a cat at a fucking mall. Guys, it's not me. You're going to raise your vote. Shut up. Security. Remove this guy violently. Remove him violently right now. This is heartless behavior. Jay, you're wasting your vote. Totally. I know you really want me to win. I know you really want me to win, so you tell me the good right thing. I'm not going to win, Jay. You have a chance of winning this, Jay. You're going to waste your vote, dude. All right? Be an idiot. You're all dumb idiots. You're all dumb idiots, dude. Good. I'm going to be the only one who gets this one right. Lewis likes dogs. He don't like cats. I don't like cats. No, I don't mind cats. I love cats Cats are great I love them Fuck I'm done Cats world dude It's Louis Playing from a stereo From the rooftops Yeah Idiots Idiots This could be Jay Playing the game again No Jay wouldn't do that I wouldn't know the story No I'll tell you something This is the last story All my stories were written like Hey my man What did you look like Man that crazy shit Man crazy ass white bitches. That's how I wrote all my stories when we only got to one. Or maybe this is me. Yeah, I feel like if I don't vote for Jay, he could overtake me. It's possible. Sidney, you know what? Hold on. How do I fuck Sidney right now? You're going to go for the tire of the wind, though. This is probably Sidney's story. God damn it, dude. I think this is Sidney fucking Gant, and I think he's running away with this entire thing. He's trying to get you to not vote for him. Ah, fuck, man. Sidney's gonna win. Fuck! If I don't vote for Jay, he could fucking... Whatever. Whatever. Fuck it. Fuck. If it's Louis, I think it's Louis. I think Sidney won. You cock! Alex, all of our answers are in. Everyone voted for me. I voted for Sidney. I want to prove everyone wrong. You're all fucking idiots. Alex, whose story was story number eight? Idiot fucking dickhead fools. Dumb asses. Dumb asses. Go ahead, Alex. Go ahead, Alex. Tell these dumb asses who story number eight was. Story number eight belongs to Sidney Gaines. He knows me. He knows me. He knows me. Dumb asses. Wow. What did I tell you? Yes. Wow. You idiots. Lewis knows what a champion looks like. Let's fucking go. Let's go. Fuck that cat. fuck that cat fuck that cat fuck that cat Sadie tell us this story what happened here who was this chick what was the cat's name first of all oh man it was such an adorable little cat it was named Nala it was named after the lion from the lion king but it kept like jumping at my face every time I'd walk in a room it would jump in my face and one day it swiped at my achilles and I was like nah nah you're not taking my vertical jump away from me cat like what the fuck that's all you got I grabbed the pillowcase and put both my hands in it and chased the cat around the house until I caught it and then like scooped it up in the pillowcase inside out of the pillowcase beautiful move dude I thought about this for months months and then I dropped it off at the mall and then like a couple days later because it was like an outdoor cat. Listen, I know this is a horrible thing I did, by the way. It's my most regrettable act, for sure. So please don't try to start a fucking hashtag MeowTube movement. Like, I apologize. It's not worth it. No. But I dropped it off at the mall, and then a couple days later, she couldn't find it. She was all distraught. A couple days later? Because it was an outdoor cat, so she wasn't worried about it right away. And then once she was worried about it, she was like, can you help me look for it? And I was like, you know I hate that cat. Yeah, also, if you have an outdoor cat, you already hate your cat. Yeah, exactly. You're waiting for this motherfucker to run away. So, yeah, that was it. Wow. I kidnapped that fucking. Oh, it never came back. Yeah, I did taking on a cat. Oh, Jesus. It never came back. She had no skills to be able to find that cat. Wow. Alex, eight stories down. Give us our final scores. I think I know who won, but make it official. All right. Tied for fourth place with 10 points each. Che Dorena and Dante Nero. The point I'm making is that there's not much consistency. Before she would say that was fifth place, but now it's fourth place. Oh my God. Fucking H.R. Lewis sucks, dude. Get out of your severance clothes. I hate to say this. You simply don't understand how this is working because I would never say that. Lewis, wearing a short sleep button down shirt doesn't give you a college diploma. It's the point that there's a tie is where you skip one spot. No, I understand. Look at the audience. I don't understand. You don't understand how you don't have a job anymore, which is weird, which is a weird thing. Alex, we're about to be downsizing because we need to make new yick. Dude, I don't like corporate Lewis. He sucks. Go ahead, Alex. In third place with 14 points, Big J. Oakerson. In second place with 16 points, Luis J. Gomez. And your winner tonight with 24 points, Sidney Gant. Sidney Gant, your newest story warrior. Takes home Eggplant Emoji Volume 5, the Comedy Literary Journal. Absolutely. Oh, by the way, signed. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely signed by everybody on the panel and the author. Sidney, congratulations. You are the newest story warrior. You know now you get to Trigger. I cannot wait to say double points. Let's go! Let's go! Thank you. Welcome to the Story Warriors family. That is something that never ends. Sidney Gant is, in fact, a story warrior. He goes on the wall. Thank you so much for being here. How about for our amazing panel all around, the great Dante Nero. Man School 202 podcast. The Two Goons podcast with Che Durena. Make sure you check it out. Sidney Gang, your newest story warrior. The World War Fun podcast with Ryan Shaner. For Story Wars, everybody, I'm Big J. Oakerson. I'm Louis J. Gomez. We'll catch you next time, everybody. Until then, peace. Outro Andantee