Kumail Nanjiani Returns Again

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You guys both love the 70s so much which I think is very like mustache heavy and I'm just curious why you guys have never like you've never grown a mustache. I've had a mustache before. Just a mustache. Just a mustache. Not for long. In theory I really want to do it. In my mind Sam Elliott. In the mirror Ned Flanders. So you come out as Ned Flanders. I think so. I think that my mustache doesn't, well first of all I've had a beard and accompanying mustache but a mustache alone I would look sort of like Michael Cain in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. You know like it's- Oh but that's not a horrible look. No no no what I'm saying is it's Michael Cain so he can do anything because he's Michael Cain. I just it's it would be kind of thin and I think I would come across as evil. I think my true evil would and pervy would come out and I just did something. I did a shoot where they put a small mustache on me and so I can show it to you and you know what I look like a creep. Okay. I think it's just perv but if you can indulge me for a second which I know you can. Let me see if I have. Well I'm just gonna say my dad has always had a mustache and he's the coolest guy I know so I just I'm if I was a guy I feel like I'd have a mustache. Hey if I had your dad's mustache then fine. Yeah. And I've tried to imitate your dad's mustache many times. No you don't. Taking a dinner napkin and putting it above your mouth is not how many times have I sent you pictures I've taken of me on a plane or just me out in the world where I put a very large white dinner napkin under my nose and say look it's your dad. Too many times actually. Too many. I think there's a decent amount of times and then there's too many times but I think you're just obsessed with his mustache because you guys are oh wait we're both we're all on our phones. Well I'm trying to find something here. I'm stretching my photos. Oh here we go here we go. Look that's not bad. I don't know that looks cool to me that's like cool to you. No. Hello. I want to be friends with that you have to do it that way though. Look at this. Look at this guy. This guy's awful. What an awful guy. I'm not kidding I searched my photos for me with a mustache because you can do like AI search of your photos now. This is what. What was his name again? Gene shallot. Gene shallot. That's right. I'm sorry this guy is constantly being arrested. This guy is being. I don't know. Look at that he's being arrested. He's being. Right. That's a terrible guy. I don't want to be that guy. I don't know. Well November's coming up. Maybe you guys should grow mustaches. What do you think? You're right. You don't like that guy. Should we do like that guy? What do you say? Give me your. Tell me what you think of this guy. He's a bad man. He's a bad. Look at his eyes are dead. The mustache takes the life out of my eyes. But you guys need bushy big Sam Elliott style mustaches. Can't you make that happen? Like figure it out. I don't know. Is there like a merkin for faces? Yeah, it's called a fake mustache. Yeah, I've got seven of those in my wallet. For other reasons you don't need to know. I have a picture of me with a mustache. Oh, I got plenty of those in my car. I'm responsible for a series of unsolved crimes. I don't know. Yeah. It'd be cool if you guys just you're you're so into the 70s and Tom Selleck and cool guys. I know. I didn't just like my dad if I had a mustache because in the 70s he had a mustache. Oh, wow. Look at that guy. Yeah. Oh, not who's the who's the guy? Who? He's the mustache guy. Oh, the guy that died. Yes. The mustache that died. The mustache guy. You know what you're talking about. Yeah. What do you mean? The guy who the mustache. What are you talking about? There's a mustache guy. So a really cool guy with the mustache. Sam Elliott still alive. Not just Sam Elliott. The Tom Selleck. Theodore Roosevelt had a mustache. Tom Selleck. Theodore Roosevelt had a mustache and he's dead. He died. He's a cool guy. Ver-Reynolds. Oh, well, he died like years ago. Yeah. You act like the mustache kill. He had mustache cancer. Sir, there's nothing we can do. Well, you could shave it. I don't want to shave it. Oh, well, then you're going to die. Well, I guess my time is up if there's only a way. Mustache. You have mustache cancer. We don't think we can operate. Well, what if I just shaved? Well, that would save your life. But we don't recommend it. Why not? Because it looks cool. What a weird thing to say. Oh, my God. All right. My guest today is an actor, writer, and comedian who starred in the hit HBO series Silicon Valley. He now has a new stand-up special on Hulu called Kumeil Nanjiani Night Thoughts. I am delighted with this fellow. He'd be cool with mustache. Oh, God. He's cool with anything, in my opinion. Kumeil Nanjiani. Welcome. Twitter, what? Twitter paid it. You know that word? No, I don't. It means like obsession, but not dark obsession. Oh. But it could turn dark. It could turn very dark. Twitter paid it as like when you're like, you've done three dates and you're like, I think this is something. Oh. I see. This is that. Well, you and I have done more than a few dates. Yeah, that's right. I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. You were so kind to me. I'm going to thank you on mic when I got this wonderful Mark Twain Award in Washington. And these amazing comedians came out, which is a big deal to get to. No one goes to Washington, DC by accident. You have to go there with great intention. You guys all showed up and you came and it was a surprise. I was not in charge. It's kind of like a surprise party. They don't tell you who's coming. They don't tell you. All I know is I'm going to speak at the end. So I thought about that, but I didn't think about, I mean, who's going to come to this? And I very, I think, correctly thought, I wouldn't go to this if I didn't have to. And you were hilarious. You did a TED talk about me. And it was a fan fucking tastic. Oh, thank you. And it meant so much to me. Thank you for being there. And you put so much thought into it. And you're such a smart comic. I loved it. I loved it. Thank you. It means so much to me. I was going to thank you for having me, but I guess I should thank your team for having me there. Yeah, it really was. I was against you coming. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I had a list of people I don't want to see. They got a hold of that list and misunderstood. They didn't read the talk. I don't want Letterman. I don't want Adam Sandler. No Will Ferrell. It really meant so much to me to be there. It really, really did because I've told you I do comedy because of you. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny to me, by the way. I was noting this because I was working and I just got done and I've been catching up on episodes of the show. Your whole thing, you're so like with them to calling yourself a comedy legend and stuff. And then when someone pays you a compliment, you cannot fucking handle it. No, I can't. You totally crumble. You can't. You cannot change the subject quickly. No, he can only brag downwards. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. You called yourself Beethoven. You called yourself Michelangelo. And then I'm like, Hey Conan, you're like a true legend in comedy. Why is he turning red? You are. I mean, I truly meant so much to me because I genuinely do comedy because of you. And the fact that all these people were there, Colbert, all the people who turned out, Letterman, Sarah Silverman, Will Forte, Will Ferrell, everybody's there. It's a testament to how people see you. And also, I'd never met Brian McCann. And I didn't really meet him that night. I just went up to him and said, I've had, I've got Bulletproof Legs stuck in my head for 30 years. Brian McCann, one of our great writers, who was also a performer and did so many, he was the always disappointing FedEx Pope, which was his title. Yeah. And Bulletproof Legs, which is one of my favorite. Bulletproof Legs is so funny. I've had it stuck in my head for 30 years. I said that to him and he was like, thanks, that's really helpful. But all those people being there, and it was such a magical night. And I truly, for me, like that day came at like this really weird time where I had like other stuff and I flew in for that day, I flew out the next day, I wanted to hang out longer. But I was like, I have to be there for Conan because it's so important to me. And I kind of, to be honest, psyched myself out a little bit. Really? Being there. Yeah. I like overthought it and got like way too nervous. And I wanted to be able to like, I enjoyed watching everyone. But I wanted to really like, it meant too much to me for me to not be like super nervous. Oh, that's interesting. It didn't show at all. I mean, it was such a funny idea you had, which was a TED talk about. That is what what such a great. What a non compliment. You had a great idea. Well, no, you know, for me, the execution. We all know you're not an execution guy. No, no, but that's my highest compliment. Oh, thank you. It's really fun when you come up with something when you're like, Oh, this is a thing. This is something I can't believe nobody's done. You got to wear the little headset. Yeah. You wanted to wear the little clicker. Clicker and graphics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was really nice to get a very sweet message from Sona and nobody else right afterwards. No, message from Sona is a message from me. No, you sent me a very nice text. Well, as well. But it meant so much to me to be there because you know what was interesting? So I've been catching up. I don't know how old this episode is. I'm as you know, I'm a big fan of this podcast. I was listening to your interview with Andy Samberg. And you guys were both talking about your love of like silly comedy and how you've always loved it. When I was a kid, when I was a little, little kid, I liked it. I liked Jerry Lewis and Lauren Hardy and Three Stooges. But as I started getting like eight, nine, 10, the last thing I wanted to do was be stupid. It was very important to me to feel smart. And so I didn't like anything that was silly. I really rejected it. My favorite things were like, you know, like something like Groundhog Day, which was it's an amazing movie, but it's sort of like this intellectual thing to it, you know? And those were the things I really like loved. And the thing that made me fall back in love with silly comedy and realize that it can be very smart was your show. Oh, OK. And now I look up to it, you know, like silly comedy is it's so hard to pull off. But really, you made me fall in love with it. Well, I well, thank you. I think one of the things that I've always thought and I talk about this on the last TBS show, there is this intersection between stupid and smart. And it's this weird like ghostbusters when they all cross their beams, like whatever there's this magical thing that happens. I do think there's an intersection between really smart and really stupid. And I've talked about that. It's been my obsession in my life. There's this little golden spot and you can't hit it all the time. It's hard to get it. And when you do get it, it's like holding onto a moonbeam. It's gone the minute you get it. And you just have to content yourself with the hunt. That is my religion. My religion is every now and then there's something where there is this is very silly. Oh, it's so stupid. Wait a minute. I know something smarts happening here is a flicker of something smart happening here, but it doesn't last. It's just for a second. Yeah. And you can't explain it. You can explain it. Who doesn't get it? And I didn't, you know, so it was your it was your comedy and Beavis and Butthead around the same time that I was like, Oh, really stupid stuff can be made by obviously very smart people. I want to talk about your work. And I'm going to edit this out and just make it all about my work. Just you talking about what it meant for you to get the Mark Twain price. Yeah. And how I think you're correct. And Conan does all his own editing. Yeah, exactly. I'm really good at editing. But I just watched your stand up special night thoughts. And I really loved it. And one of the things that you talk about in the beginning was you started as a stand up. And it's fascinating because it's very important to you up front to say, look, guys, I know you think I'm an actor who's now dabbling in stand up, but I started as a stand up. And what's fascinating to me is I know you enough to know that you were petrified of getting in front of people. Absolutely terrified of getting in front of people. And yet I don't know if it was you took a loofah to your soul or something, you decided I'm going to do the thing that scares me the most and get in front of people. Yeah, that was a huge hurdle for you. Yeah, I mean, I was a very, very shy kid. So people who know me as a kid knew me as a kid are very surprised I do this. There's really no way to describe it other than I love stand up too much to not do it. Like the only thing scarier than doing it was not doing it. And I remember I have the sense memory of what it felt like to go to an open mic and sign up and go up in front of these people that I didn't know and doing it in Chicago was a very intimidating comedy scene too. Like it was kind of like rough and tumble, you know, and a lot of great stand ups were from like my class there. But the only thing that hurt more than doing it was not doing it. So that I really if there was any other way I could do stand up like without people in front of me, which I did do actually quite a bit. Right. Oh, I just thought of a very dark story about that. Oh, my God. Let's hear it. You really want to hear it? Yeah, it's a little funny, but it's also sad. Are we ready for this? Yeah, you just described my life. Yeah, I know. My autobiography a little bit funny and very sad. Okay, well, let me try and find a palatable way through this inherently very sad story. So my scene in Chicago, you know, was it was me, Pete Holmes, Hannibal Burris, Carl Canane, Matt Bronx, all these bets telling like all these really, really, really funny people. And the funniest one of us was this guy, his name was Pad Price. And he was like better looking than us. He was cooler than us. He was funnier than us. The girls liked him more. He had like a great job. He was just and he was like a great guy. And he was just like naturally very, very funny. And he told this one story once, very funny story about he did like this bar show outside Chicago, and there were just like four people and two of them were facing away. And his friend was like, his friend was like, he was telling his friend this and his friend was like, yeah, it's gonna be a great story when you make it. Like, I did a show for four people and two people were turning away. And Pat was like, yeah, but what if I don't make it? That's just what I did in my 20s. And then Pat Price passed away in his early 30s. We were all in Chicago. And that happened, he was like 31 or 32. And it's weird to think that is what happened. And I only say that because he would think that was really funny. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course he would. Yeah, not the part where he passes away. He wouldn't find that funny. No, no, no, he I assume he hated that part. Yeah. But he was I see you're trying to get out of this. He was a really funny guy. We talk about him still all the time. And it's just one of the you know, you probably I don't know if you have this where it happens a lot where you're like, I'm sure you know this too. Where you're like, well, the funniest, the most talented person was that person. And now they're like a school teacher somewhere. You know, that happens all the time. They just didn't want to do it. I mean, in my case, there wasn't someone who was funnier than me. I mean, I just have to get the record straight. Well, there wasn't. I mean, there really wasn't. I mean, I think what's funny is usually okay, I'll invent a guy, Bill Guguba. You know what? Guguba. He was great. And he was so much funnier than me. But then one day he ate a big sandwich made of me and he's gone. Are you happy now? I'll bring him back. You really are a comedy legend that is an inspiration to everyone who's doing comedy my age. No, of course. And that's why it's like, no, but it's so funny how, I mean, it's all the things. It's funny. It's sad. But of course, you come up through life and I have learned to embrace the fact that I met so many people who are just absolutely incredible and some don't seem to move up the ladder. And you can, some aren't alive and some are and it just never quite happened. And there isn't a reason. There just isn't. Yeah, it is. I mean, we're very lucky that we get to be here right now. There's a guy, there was one guy, I won't say his name, who was like truly like just so brilliant, would kill every time, new ideas every time. He was also an artist. He was a painter. And he was like, I kind of like doing that more than this. And it was, we were just like, this is the most important thing in the world to me. And the fact that you can have that talent and just not really want to do it. I couldn't ever relate to that. No, well, you hit the nail on the head when you said we're lucky. You have, I was talking earlier about how ideas having a great like a weight. One of the things I noticed in your special is you have, imagery is really important to me when someone has an image that really resonates with me. And in one part of your special, you're talking about your cat, Bagel, and how it's impossible, a veterinarian says, just give the cat these pills, these pills. And you're saying how, because I've had this experience recently, we have three cats and trying to get a cat to eat a pill is impossible. And you had this great image, which is, you're saying to the vet, like, how is that going to happen? I mean, if you put a big play of spaghetti in front of a human and it has four Tylenol sitting on top of it, they know. And I was like, that is such someone. And I couldn't even in that moment, see you. I mean, I could see the image. I could see the image of a big play of spaghetti being put in front of some marinara sauce. And they're these big Tylenol relief pills. I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, what are you doing? What is this? That's what Bagel did. She would like eat around the pill. Of course, they do. She's like, this is obviously not food. They're like us. They're absolutely like us. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I had a long bet about my you have a cat too. Yeah. And that's funny. We're just giving her pills, but she will eat anything. So she will not eat around anything. She eats the pills. Really? Yeah. She's crazy. Our cat, well, since then, can't get away from this. Our cat did die. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A couple of downers. Sorry. Sorry. No, no, no. She was, and to be fair, let me try and find that cat was much more talented than either one. She did open mics in front of four people and was like, someday this will be funny. She just didn't care. She just didn't care. She wanted to lick her own ass. That's all she wanted to do. Exactly. That was her. That was her true passion. Yeah. I mean, I had a beautiful, beautiful cat. Her butthole was the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And it was always, it's all, it's like all she wanted us to see. She was like, yeah, you like my face, but what about my butthole? Yeah. What about like the entirety of it? Like, put your tail down, man. I have some respect. They have no respect. They don't. She'd sell out prop of a magnifying glass. Yeah. It's like, yeah, she has like a periscope to it somehow, whatever I'm looking. It's like, whenever I looked in my house, her butthole was the thing I saw first. Yeah. Yeah. Special. Yeah. The observation I had just watching you do standup was it's that combination of you have great ideas and images. You have great images and you talked about, I mean, I'm not going to give away your whole special, but there was one specific thing where you're talking about in the old days when you would have a weed dealer and you were talking about the experience of, you know, when you went to buy it, you need to hang out with them. It was just a thing we hang out with them. And you said, like, and you know, they'd want to, you'd have to watch a little bit of The Matrix with them. And again, that's true. But that image, like you picked, you picked the perfect movie. Yeah. And I can see you sitting on a shitty couch. Yeah. In the Chicago watching some of the Matrix. Oh my God. And I remember going to this guy's house and it was always like, too many guys there or not enough guys there. So it's like 17 guys with backwards baseball hats hanging out watching The Matrix or just you and this guy watching The Matrix. I don't know which is worse. And it's also this thing where you're like pretending to be friends with them and then they bring out the weighing scale and all pretends that this is a friendship is gone. Right. Now it's suddenly very much a business transaction. Right. Right. I, the other thing I talk about there was this old lady used to like sell like weed muffins in Chicago at like certain bars on the weekend and you'd go and you'd hope she would show up and it was always a magical mystery. You don't know how much weed she'd put in. So you wouldn't know if it was going to be like, I don't feel anything or like I'm going to be in bed for five days. I say this in the special thinking about every email I've sent in the last five years. I don't want to like do things from the special but it's and now it's all very serious. This is exactly how much you're going to feel. Yeah. I mean, that's a little bit of what you're talking about is this concept that if you, you can have a favorite song and it's just magical to you. If you start to really break down what the song is and you listen to it a thousand times and you understand what the changes are and how they work, some of the magic starts to rub off and erode. And I think you're talking about this thing in our culture where once things are legalized and then labels are put on them and everything's explained to you very thoroughly. This is exactly how high you're going to get. And these are probably the images and fantasies you're going to have. Exactly. And this has all been signed off by RFK Jr. You know, he's approved it all. And how did he sign, how did he sound when he signed it off? No, he's, he's voiced by Catherine Hepburn. We all know that. Today. You're an old poop. Yeah, exactly. I was telling someone, they was telling Rose Byrne this, Rose Byrne who- By the way, I'm so excited for that movie. One of the all-time great titles, by the way. Thank you for promoting my movie on- I'm so excited for it. But I say my movie, it really is that the superstars of this project are Mary Bronstein who's the writer, director, and Rose Byrne who just is a phenomenon. She can do anything. She can do anything and I love her to death. But she texted me, I think yesterday and said, you know, yeah, I'm doing hot, you know, hot ones. And I thought, what is it about our culture where in order to promote her movie, she needs to ingest 40 pounds of toxins. It's self-flagellation. Yeah. And so I said, I texted her back and I said, if Catherine Hepburn were alive today, she'd have to do a web, a web talk show where she sits on a toilet and eats a chili dog. Like, you know, well, I think with Spencer in the scene, shut up, Catherine, we'll get to that in a minute. You haven't pooped yet. You got to poop, Catherine. Well, all right, I'll try. I'm not feeling it just yet. Don't you want a big opening weekend, Catherine? Yeah. You're not going to go viral. All right, I'll eat the chili dog. And so it's, it's, but that's what would happen today. Yeah. Well, Marlon Brando, what do you win? Well, I'm in this, you know, thing called, you know, on the waterfront. Hold on, Marlon. You know, you've got to drink 10 bottles of this diuretic. Whatever you're about to say, he's done on his own anyway. So he's doing it better than any of us. Yeah. You know what you were saying about how the imagery and bits and stuff, what I love about doing what we get to do is you're right, we're in a world where there isn't that much mystery anymore. You know, I know exactly if I eat this gummy, I know exactly the level of high I'm going to be. But I think when you watch movies, TVs, watch great stand up jokes, whatever it is, there is like new stuff in there. Yes. It's so hard to get any new stuff like walking through the world. But then I watch, you know, I just did a show this week with Largo and at Largo with Malini and Nick Kroll and watching their bits. I'm like, that's new. I've never heard that. I don't know how you thought of that. And if you explain it to me, it wouldn't make any sense. But it's like, like magical new things that you get to experience. No, that's what that's why I'm I love seeing younger talent. I love hearing what they have to say because I get surprised. It's just so nice to be surprised at my age when I can be surprised. It just tickles me pink, you know. Yeah. I know the phrase is I'm tickled pink, but I wasn't. It tickles you pink. It tickles me to the point where I become pink. Okay. Buddy, you start off pink. Yeah, I was going to say it tickles you, you. It tickles you. It tickles me, me. I'm tickled. I'm tickled to me. Nothing changes. You're just tickled. Tickled to me. I say I'm tickled Conan when it happens. No, this is just reminding me that whenever I just got back from shooting an episode of my travel show in the Philippines, but whenever I've been, and you know, if I've been in, when I was in Ghana, when I go to these places, Cuba, people come up to me and they are concerned for my health. Because they think I'm not just white. I'm translucent. Yeah. And there is a caring like, are you okay? I'm like, this is just what my people look like. Should we be able to see the bones through? It conveys a weakness. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. No, no, they're concerned. I know. I think it's very sweet. You're concerned. Every time you travel, I'm legitimately concerned when you come back, especially if it's like a hot climate. I'm worried about you. I feel like for you, it's always like, you know, when people get the bends, when they come up out of water, I feel like for you, traveling every time on a plane is that. Well, you have to like, do you know what they should probably do? They should probably, anytime I do a travel show, the plane, before it takes me back to Los Angeles, it should first take me to a field in Ireland. Yeah. Right. And I have to be there for a week, depressur. You're like Superman. You have to like get power from your, yes, from your land. It's definitely not like Superman. Sorry. That's the only way. It's kind of an inverse. I think he meant an inverse Superman. The only way you like Superman is that it's like, everything is kryptonite to you. Yes. I have to get back to my super weakness, including Sun, which gives him power, but it hurts you. It's clouds and rain. Yeah, exactly. You know, I have to ask you, because you brought it up at the very beginning of your special, where you walk out and you say, don't let these muscles freak you out. These are just decoration. They're decorative. They're for show. I have to say, very impressive, very impressive guns. Thank you. They are decorative. And I'm glad someone else in comedy is not afraid to get jacked. Oh. What do you mean by that? What do you mean, what do I mean by that? Are you talking about you? You think this is- I'm a fucking jack, man. Yeah, I'm jacked. No one talks about it. It is weird because now people perceive me differently and they think I'm a different person and I know I'm not. I'm exactly the same person I've always been. Yep. I just really like working out a lot now. Yeah. Yeah. And so all this other stuff that goes with it. And it was interesting when I was, you know, so I hadn't done stand-up in like six to eight years. Right. And during the actor's writer strike a couple of years ago, I was like, freak. I was like, what am I? I was like feeling very creatively frustrated. So I was like, I'll try stand-up and I'll see if I still like it. So I did a bunch of shows at Largo, the place we love. And Emily was like, people experience looking at you very differently than they used to. So the way you are on stage has to change. Like she was the one who really was like, you can't be the same comedian. You have to do something different because you look very different. Right. And so that's something I had to be very aware of when I was doing stand-up. The last thing I want to do is talk about how I look. Yes. But she was like, you kind of have to address it. Yeah. And- No, it's good. You come out, you mention it right away and you're very self-deprecating about it. Yeah. These are decorative. I've never been in a fight. No. It is funny. There's this misconception that people, if you work out a lot, that then you would be good in a fight. Nothing is further from the truth. The best person in a fight is just someone who has that mentality. And they probably don't need to have lifted a single weight in their life. Yeah. They just have that, I'm going to punch your face in, Matt Gorley. Yeah. You don't have to- That's so specific. I don't know. This is just, I don't know. I'm just going with this. I'm in a flow state right now and I just want to describe beating you to death. Oh gosh. Death. Yeah, that's, boy, that escalated quickly. Just pounding and pounding away at that. Okay. At that ensouci sens. Excuse me? Just that face that looks at me like I buried it. Ensouci sens. Yo. I feel very confident saying that's not a word. It's not. It's ensouci, it seems, I'll smash you. But your punches would hurt more, right? If you had to fight, if you had muscles. I don't know. Eduardo's with me on that. Yeah, I agree with Conan. I think so too. I think it's you've got nothing to lose. The most, it's people that are just, they fight because they've probably been punching people since they were eight years old. And they've got nothing to lose. And it's their whole life and they, I mean, can you imagine bringing yourself to punch someone like full force? I assume none of us can. No. Just a couple minutes ago. I see Gorley regularly running through that. Yeah. Eduardo's shaking or nodding. I've punched somebody full force before. Really? When I was a kid, this was a middle school. And did you punch a grown up? No, I've never, never punched a grown up. So how old were you? He punched a kid when he was an adult. Who and why? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who and why? I was 13. I was wearing glasses. This was a classic bully story where somebody pinned me up against the wall, took my glasses off, just tried to play keep away basically. And my first instinct when I tried to ask for them back, my first instinct was just pop them straight into the face. And you did. And I did. And how did that go down? Did you get your glasses back? I got my glasses back and it was never bothered again by this guy and his friend. That's a good lesson. Yeah. Punch the people you don't like. Yes. Yeah. Full force. Yeah. That's thank you Eduardo. No, but I mean, Eduardo comes in with some sage advice, worthy of Gandhi. But no, but be great if that happened to Gandhi when he was in high school and he just beat the shit out of somebody and then. Not proud of it. Fully. You should be. But first of all, yes, you should be because that guy had it coming. You probably did him a favor. I don't think he did that to anybody else. Actually, we were friends after that, not too long after. So yeah, yeah, it did change. I notice you're not wearing glasses anymore. Yeah, I learned my lesson. Yeah. And I don't want to bring it back to this, but that guy now is dead. He was funny. You know what? He was the funniest of all of us. He was just trying to do a funny routine about glasses and he needed your prop to. That's all. He was just borrowing them. Yeah, I don't know. I've not done that and I don't imagine I could do it. No, I don't think I could. I mean, I am. I look strong. I can barely move. Like I'm genuinely useless in any practical situation. Right. Right. I noticed that you had to be carried in here. You came with five people and they carried you in. They made like a chair, a basket chair with their hands. It's crazy. It's weird. Then they rubbed all these oils into you. It's strange. They were chanting. They were chanting. They had huge ostrich feathers. They were cooling you with. My writer has gone insane. We had to meet all these crazy demands. I did find out. I was like, I always get like whenever I do a show or I'm somewhere very specific like snacks and stuff. Yeah. And then at one point someone was like, I don't remember exactly what it was. Someone was like, by the way, that thing was very hard to find. I'm like, well, yeah, why did you do that? They're like, it says in your right or you have to like have this thing. And then clearly my writer got messed up with someone else's because it's a thing that I don't have like any connection to. I don't enjoy. One thing I've experienced, which is if you have a slight preference without you doing anything, that becomes a demand. And so what happens is I'll say, well, I like a Coke Zero before I go on because it's the caffeine. And so you'll just say that and then you'll show up someplace. This sounds like a humble brag or it's not. It's just very strange to show up and there's a refrigerator filled with that thing. And you're thinking this could, this is a restaurant should have this on hand and it would last them a month. And then it becomes like, oh my God, if Conan shows up and there's not a Coke Zero there, we're all dead. And it just feels odd. It just became, well, if there's one, I'll take one if there's one around. But that can, it's a game of telephone. I just saw J. Kelly, which is an amazing movie with George Clooney and your buddy Adam Sandler. Phenomenal movie. J. Kelly is basically a version of George Clooney, a guy who's been a movie star his whole life. And at one point he's in a dressing room under the cheesecake and he's like, why is there always a cheesecake? And Adam Sandler says it's in your right or because you like cheesecake. He's like, I've never liked cheesecakes. And the entire movie, every other scene, there's a close-up of a cheesecake. Almost every frame, there's like a slice of cheesecake. I guess I'm Clooney-esque. That's what I take away from that story. Yeah, you mean a lot to all of us comedians who've... We started out as actors and then we're on ER and became... I want to ask you something about, because I know this about you that you're a cricket fan. I am. And it's just... I don't think I'm a dumb person, but I've watched cricket many times when I've seen it. Have you? Well, I've just not live, but when I see it, I'm kind of fascinated by it and I watch it. I cannot decipher cricket. I just can't decipher it and I don't understand it. I could watch a game with you. The shortest one is about the length of a basketball game. And you would know cricket very well by the end of it. And I just talked to these Rest is History podcasters who are amazing and they're from the UK and from Britain and they love cricket. And they might as well say I love watching Glip Glop. I don't know what it is. I don't understand it. It's like Quidditch. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Here's the big problem with cricket. When people in America, people try to understand it. They try and equate it to baseball. Yes, I superimpose baseball over it. You have to forget baseball. It's a ball and a bat and then people make fun of me for like it's almost similar. It's really not. You have to let go of baseball and that's when you'll like understand what's going on. So I think I have to unknown baseball, which I've been watching my whole life. Are you a big... Just for like a little bit. You don't have to like eternal sunshine baseball out of your mind. No, it has to completely go. That would be like we have amazing technology. What do you want to forget? I want to forget the rules of baseball. I want to forget every association or memory I have. It's $300,000. You sure that's what you want to spend it on? Yes. It's either this or that G-Wagon Mercedes and this is what I want. And then I'm explaining it to my accountant. Wait, what is this? This is a lot. I need to forget baseball. Every association I have watching the Red Sox from when I was a little boy in Boston, I has to be removed completely from my cortex. Are you a big baseball fan? Well, I am. I grew up baseball was the biggest sport. Was it? Right. When I was growing up because the Patriots weren't a thing yet. They existed, but they weren't a thing. The Bruins were huge and we all knew Bobby Orr and the Bruins. But I didn't sit and watch hockey a lot. But it's a religion. Baseball is a religion. Oh, red sox specifically the Red Sox. Right. So that was the thing that entered my bloodstream. Right. So so that that's good because that's kind of why cricket. I really love it because it makes you feel connected to Pakistan. You know, like I haven't been back in a long time. Like, you know, I've been here more longer than I was there. But it's really where I'm from. I am Pakistani, but sometimes I can feel disconnected from it. When I watch cricket, it makes me feel like I'm back home. How are you perceived in Pakistan? Do they claim you as a native son? I think it's complicated. I don't really have a good sense of it, to be honest. I think there are certain things about me that they're proud of. And then there are certain things about me that they have complicated feelings about. Like the fact that I'm married to a white American woman. I think that that's seen in a complicated way. I think they like that I'm successful. But, you know, I think it's complicated. Yeah. Yeah. I think that makes sense. And I think it's usually complicated. For, you know, because I'm 100% Irish genetically. But if I go back to Ireland, I can't claim that I'm one of them because I'm not. I've been gone. We've been gone for, you know, 120 years. And so... Do you feel connected to it culturally? I do. You do. Well, I feel connected to that air. We were joking earlier, but every cell in my body when I'm in that climate is saying, oh, thank God, you know, what were you doing living near the Mexican border? Right. You idiot. I want it to be about 40 degrees or 45 degrees. I want it to be raining. Yeah. And these are not things I actively want. This is my body telling me you're supposed to live in a bog. Right. And you're supposed to have died about 30 years ago. That's how I feel about when I lived in Chicago, my body in the winter was like, you are not made for this. No one's made for that. Go to the equator. No one's made for that. This is not about you being a Mecotan. No one is made for that. I don't, I mean, I don't know the history of anything you do. When people first settled there, weren't they like when it hit October, like, we got to go somewhere else? They should have been. Why did this stick it out? I think they're those big lakes and they thought, this is good. Someone started grilling sausage and they were like, this is amazing. We could block off whole streets and just eat sausage. And arteries. Yeah, and arteries. I don't know. I think that all the time because Chicago is not, I was there for a summer in 1988 with Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk. You guys did that show. We did happy, happy, good show there. And what I remember is, oh, I know Chicago is brutally cold in the winter, but it's going to be really nice in the summer. It's the most uncomfortable I've been in my life was the summer of 88. I was living in a tiny apartment with no, my room had no window. And I was, I would practically weep at night. I was just sleeping on a futon. And I would, I would rush down to my car down like three flights of stairs and sit in the car and run the air conditioning in my 1973 Plymouth Valiant and then turn it off and run upstairs to try and go to sleep. But by the time I got up there, I was just as hot as I had been before because I ran up three flights of steps. So you've never felt the Chicago winter. It's not like a New York winter. No, no, no, it's that wind coming. I have, I've been there in the winter and I felt that wind coming off those lakes. Yeah, it's like the world is trying to kill you every single moment. It feels genuinely like tiny monkeys with knives are attacking you every time you're outside. I've been attacked by monkeys with knives and I now I completely get what you're saying. As it was happening, you were like, I feel cold. I said, this feels like Chicago. And they're like, what? It's not stupid. It's a combination of stupid and really smart. Yeah, it's a golden. No, wait, that was the smart part. Wait a minute. No, I'm looking. I'm checking. That was just stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You've really had an incredible career. You started out and stand up and then you do this work as an actor. You didn't just have success. You had terrific success, you know. And I've told you this before and I was. If it's nice, you could say it again. Okay. I absolutely love Silicon Valley and there are scenes in that that I think about to this day. And I just had lunch recently with Alec Berg and I was reciting things to him. I was reciting. I didn't know. How do you know Alec Berg? He and Jeff Schaefer worked on my late night show for a very short time. I did not know that. Before they wised up and got themselves to Seinfeld. Yeah, we know each other, but he finally said, hey, let's have lunch because we never really got to sit down and talk about everything. Yeah. And he's such a smart, funny writer and we were talking and all I kept doing was, you know, fanboying out about Silicon Valley. I loved your character on that show. And would you say he was your favorite? No. Okay. No, I wouldn't. That's I hate that honesty. I love the show. I don't even respect you. No, no, I love the show. I love the show and I'm going to say you were my least favorite, but because the show was so good. Still pretty good. It was no, it wasn't even pretty good. No, Jay. Hey, thanks again for doing Twain. Well, no, you got to play such great and you did it really well, but you didn't get it. You played so well, the insecurity of that character. Yes, he's like. He's a wise ass who's also very insecure. Insecure, right. And when someone makes fun of the little necklace you're wearing, the next scene, it's covered up. And then they call you on that and you're denying that you're covering it up. That's the I love. So that happened. So there's a scene, there's a story in the show where we get a little bit of money, we're a little bit successful. So I go and buy a gold chain and I put it on and I'm all peacocking it. And then Martin Starr's character, Gilfoyle, who we're always going at each other, starts making fun of me for it. And there's like a really funny scene where everybody just going around making fun of me. And TJ Miller's character, Erlich says he calls you Belle Biv Dinesh. And sings that chain is poison. And then there's a part where like the whole episode builds up to we're going to go in, it's called Skunk Works, and we're going to go in and we're going to sabotage this. This is like a whole scheme we have. And we're going to we have like stuff where we're sneaking into our own workspace. And we're like, OK, so to really feel like where nothing is a mess, we have to keep making fun of Dinesh's gold chain. Otherwise people will know. So as we're walking in, Zach Woods's character goes really loud for everyone to hear. Nice change, Dinesh. Do you choke your mother with it when you fuck her in the butthole? And he goes too far. He goes way too far. And then it's like he's trying this comedy thing. He's watched other people play with, but he doesn't know what it is. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is. And Thomas Middleton's character, Richard is so thrown by that he falls down and all the papers that we're trying to sneak in come out and the whole whole scheme falls out. And you think we're setting up the whole season and it's completely like destroyed by that one line. That storyline happened because over the summers they would meet with us. The writers would have a meeting with us and be like, do you have any stories that might be good for like you being like a loser? And so that story is from my real life. I was like at one point in high school, I bought a silver chain and I thought it would be cool. And people like started making fun of me mercilessly. And then I couldn't take it off until I was off their radar because then they'd knew that they'd know that's why I was taking it off. Right. So I took like every morning, like put on this fucking gold chain that would get heavier every day and like burn my skin. That's great that that's from your life. So that's from my life. And it's funny because they like changed it from silver to gold. Like my real life was too lame to be the lamest character on a show with just lame characters. They had to make it slightly cooler. Otherwise it was too sad. Yes. My real life was too sad. So great. It's so great. There's also a line where that the Thomas Middleditch reveals his the logo that he wants to use. This is very early on. Yes. Oh yeah. And it's one of my favorite lines which is delivered by you. This is he reveals the character and it's it's like a Peter Pan that's wearing a Pied Piper. Yeah. It's got like kind of a Peter Pan sort of. He's got like a feather in his hat. With a feather in it. And he's got a flute. And you. You talk about how it looks like he's holding a dick. Yeah. It's something like it looks like he's sucking a dick and he's got another one tucked behind his ear for later. For later. Like a snack dick. He says a snack dick. He says he has it tucked in for later. And I'm like for later. I just loved. I mean I love the whole thing. But I let you just said it looks like he has a an extra dick tucked in his hat for later. And I just like I'm just going to keep this dick for later. And I was I'm still laughing about that. I'm reciting it to Alec Berg. We're having lunch. And I'm just very I'm very pleased for you that you've been able to have this kind of it's unusual for people to you can do it and stand up. And then you can explore this world. And I think really nail it and then decide I'm going to go back and do a stand up specially. Yeah. After all this spend what 10 years. Yeah. It's been close to 10 years. It was right when you started making The Big Sick which was 2016. That I stopped doing stand up. And it was really exciting to go back. But it was also like scary because I had to learn to do it again. I sort of forgotten. And the performance I don't know how interesting this is. Maybe it's not interesting at all. But the first I was like I'm going to go see if I still like it. And I'm going to try and recreate the conditions of when I was really doing it. So I set up seven shows over the course of two weeks. And I was like I'm going to do all seven of these and see if I could still enjoy it. And then the seventh one felt a little bit like old times. And I was like oh fuck I think this is back. So the first two weeks went really well because you know I didn't understand that people were excited to see me. I felt nervous. I felt really present. And then after that the next few weeks were not as good. I wasn't as I got more comfortable on stage. I wasn't doing as well on stage. And I was like why is this happening. And I realized it's because as I was getting comfortable I was defaulting to how I was on stage 10 years ago. And I wasn't the same person now. And it felt disingenuous to the audience. The audience could feel that I was doing something that was different from who I am as a person now. And so I had to sort of go out and be like okay I'm going to go out on stage and not be beholden to any like not even try and do well. Just really try and see how I want to be on stage. And just like really lean back and see what comes out. So I'd like relearn how to do it. And then I'd relearn how to write it. It's very different from writing anything else. It's interesting because the one thing I've noticed about my own experience recently is I'm always been myself. I've been I'm just myself. And when people don't like what I'm doing they don't like me. Do you know what I mean? So you know it's true. It's just like I don't I don't like Conan. They're not talking about that Conan guy. That's me. Yeah. I'm so this is who I am. I'm the comedy comes out of my sense of who I am. And you don't like it. That's me you don't like. Which can be very painful. And I found doing this movie role recently. That's not me. That's a different person. Oh yeah. Was that the first time in your career you've done that? Well I've done really yeah most times when people want me to be in something it's as Conan O'Brien saying you know this character is our next guest whatever which you know is not that fulfilling. But I had this weird detachment from it like well if they don't like that guy. That's not my business. And by the way my thing is so immediate. I do it and then it comes out hours later. Some you know sometimes with the podcast a week later but most of my career has been do it say it and then two hours later people are seeing it at home. Yeah there's not like a tremendous amount of prep going into it like I assume we were doing your late night show. Yeah. It's that day you prep for that night and then next day it starts off. And so it's all immediate or if you're doing live shows I got to go out there right now and I'm very like oh my god here we go. And then there's this experience where you know that thing you made where you had to be somebody else and you made it two and a half years ago. Yeah. It's coming out now and I'm very oh I hope people like that fellow in that thing. It's this feeling of that's not really me. So you've had it the other way where you're very much I think one of the hardest things about stand-up is that they don't like you they don't like you. Yeah. But then you've you've worked this other field where. Well I figured out a way that even if they're rejecting a character of me I'm playing in a movie it still feels like they don't like me. Yeah. It still feels very personal. Yeah. And it's also so how did it feel to have your performance in someone else's hands. You've never had that. Yeah. You're so you have to trust the director. I would maybe not have liked it if I didn't. Mary Bronstein the director is one of the most confident clear eyed people I've worked with. And she just she wrote this this is a story she knows backwards and forward she's very much in control and I just thought I will I completely gave myself over to her and I was I was completely trusting of her. I mean that's the best thing you can have as an actor is the feeling of safety with the director. We're like I trust them to to make me that I'm in their hand. That's why I'm very interested in never doing this again because I thought that was an incredible experience. I'm with Rose Byrne in scenes. People seem to really like this. I'm out. I don't want to have the other experience. It's a really truly horrible feeling to be making something that you're going to be doing for four months with the director and you're like I don't think this person knows what they're doing. There's truly one of the that's the worst feeling I've ever had and my wife was in a coma for a week. I can't get away from this. Sorry. Take take take that out. No. No. That stays to what was your experience. What was your what was your prep going into it? A lot of prep. What did you do? I worked with Mary Bronstine really hard. Did you like come up with like this guy's backstory? She was suggesting that we do that and when she first suggested I thought come on you don't need to do this and then she was right. It really helps. It really helps. A lot of the prep that actors have to do is so stupid and it feels so like pathetic. But it really is very helpful. But one thing I will maintain is stupid are the warm-ups that people do before an improv show. Actors do too. I've always thought those were stupid and whenever I've been asked to come back and do some improv and they want to bring me out to an alley behind you know it's a benefit. If we're all going to do improv to raise money for an important cause can I just give the money? No. Buddy it's going to everyone's going to love seeing you out there again and when you're back there and they go let's play Liberty Labiru. Habara, habara, hubba da, hubba da, hubba da, hubba da, hubba da, hubba da, hubba da, I'm like nope this is throwing it on help you. No. I've never done that. No, no. Doesn't help me. It just irritates me. Yeah. And I think it's a hidden prank show. I think that's the thing that comedians have that is hardest for me to that was the most challenging thing for me with acting is that there's always part of you that's so so self-aware and knows like and it's a great thing to have because you hear so many actors talk and they are not self-aware at all and it's like I'm sure that's what you did but I wouldn't tell anybody. Yeah. But comedians have so there's a part of you that's always like this is a little bit stupid and acting at its core is like very stupid. Oh. It's really stupid. Like I'm going to oh you say this now I say this oh yeah I'm an architect today. It's so stupid. I'm glad you said that. I did not like my father because he did not like you know whatever it is. Yeah. My career in baseball did not work and now I'm sad. Say something I'll say the same thing back to you 40 times. It's so stupid and you have to like forget how absolutely fucking stupid it is. You know what I love that's why I love doing a late night show all those years or doing this is that I can always be present with and honest about this is stupid but I love it. You're absolutely right that you never gave me what I wanted. Yeah. It's at its core very silly. It's so silly. You can't see it. Oh god. Hey are the donuts here yet? That thing is so weird. And then you're talking you're hanging out with the actor that it's action and now you're a different person and I'm a different it's so right right but I do love it so much. Oh good. Well good. And I love it because so much and I'm sure you have this too. It's one of the challenges is to be like really present in the moment really like listening to someone and react in life. What I was thinking about on what I said that was stupid or I think this thing I did a week ago I hope they don't think it was I should email them right now or I have to do this thing later. So much of my life is thinking about what I did or what I'm going to do and that when I'm acting I truly feel very very present. Did you have to be? You have to be. Yeah. Well I'm going to wrap this up because you've been talking and talking and talking and I mean it's just awful. It's just awful. It's just going to be you the whole time. Take me out. Well you know we do align with it. We do this a lot when I'm not happy with the way something went and this is of course today. We take you out and then it's just we have lots of extra tape of me just talking about me and we fill that in with your you know. But you already have stuff ready to go. You've already recorded stuff. Yes. That they take. Okay. Yeah and so it's just going to be people be confused because they'll hear oh this is great. Conan's talking to Camel's it can be really funny and then there'll be some confusion that it's me talking and then when the parts where you were talking it's just more me talking about me. But I love those episodes. I can't stop listening. It's so whole. Hey is that it? What are the end of it? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. This was great. Did we talk about anything? We talked about I kind of talked about everything. It really did fly by. I had fun. My special. Yeah. Are you saying it? I am going to say that it's on Hulu and it's called Kumeil Nanjiani Night Thoughts. And it is really funny because you're really funny. You're one of those people I just always enjoy. I'm crazy jet lagged with I'll tell you this behind the scenes story. Crazy jet lag from this trip I took for my travel show and I was on the other side of the world. I just got back and I'm completely out of it and my staff was saying you know you're so tired and out of it you know we should probably move this podcast and they said who is it and he said it's Kumeil and I was like no. That is so much. That's like a treat for me. That's like saying we canceled your birthday cake. So that is not happening. So sweet. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Continue to thrive and I just I really love being your friend. Oh my god. That's so I want to also mention really quickly before I go back to saying what I want to say about you is I'm also in the new series of Fallout which is a show I love. Oh god. I love Fallout. Isn't it a great show? Yes. So I have a little part in that season two that's also out on Amazon Prime probably right. But you said acting is stupid. Yeah but I'm really good at it. Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Take that out. It means so much to me that I get to be your friend and text you and have you respond like truly genuinely I do comedy because of you and I've talked to other friends of mine who say the same thing. Well they're like we do comedy because of Conan. Like what you mean to us is I mean the fact that you're still like around and you engage with us and you keep like reinventing yourself and changing who you are while still still think true to what we love about you. It's very rare for comedians to grow up and still be like you know you lose a lot of heroes as they grow up and it's I feel very very grateful that we don't lose you. That's so nice. I have to say my big fear always was oh my god you get older and please someone tell me like stop stop early says it early says it all the time. But I try and then I have my people that I look to and one of them is Martin Short. I just like oh my god. I'm like okay that guy is the generation ahead of me and he's still as funny as a person can be and Steve Martin and I just say okay you know they can do it. You can if you yeah I don't know where you're Selena Gomez. You're welcome. Yeah truly. I'm definitely your Selena Gomez. Yeah you're you're you're you're you're our lighthouse you really are you really are like the person we looked to to be like all right it's possible to not turn into a giant asshole as you age. We shall see. I was with my friends last night. This is a story that's still in progress. Make some notes here. Yeah please. Corley. Corley is not buying any of this shit. I was having a conversation with friends last night and I mentioned I was doing this podcast and people started quoting your bits and someone said this joke that was so it was from the year 2000. I want to get it right and it was you and Jim Carrey and you tried to make him laugh with something with the mask the mask that the movie that he was with the green face. I forget what what but he like kept it together and it was his turn he said to you I heard you're going to be in the mask too the return of Rocky Dennis. It's such good writing. It's such a good show. Yeah oh my god. All too true. All right well be well thrive and I'll see you soon I hope. Thank you. Yes. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Mack Gourley produced by me Mack Gourley executive produced by Adam Sacks Jeff Ross and Nick Leo theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns additional production support by Mars Melnik talent booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Brick Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan call the team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan and if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.