#437 - 10 Things I Always Do When I Have People Over

Hi there, you're listening to the Lazy Genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi. This podcast isn't about hacking the system to find more time or hacking your energy to get more done. Hustling to be the best or to make the most out of every opportunity is exhausting and unsustainable. So here we do things differently. On this podcast we value contentment, compassion, and living in your season. We favor small steps over big systems. Here we are lazy geniuses. Being a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't and I'm so glad you're here. Today is episode 437. 10 things I always do when I have people over. Now you might not love having people over as much as I do which is likely because I'm kind of obsessed with it but I do think you love people. This is a community that values people and relationships and connection and having people into our homes is so integral for us to build homes and neighborhoods and entire cultures that tend to each other that enjoy being together and that let each other in. So I'm gonna share what personally matters to me about hospitality and the 10 things I always do to support it. You don't have to follow my list or value what I value but I think the structure could help you name what matters to you and see how some things you already do are contributing to a spirit of hospitality that you didn't even notice. After that we'll have a little extra something in the form of my favorite hosting recipes. I have some go-tos or some decide-once meals that I usually make so I'll share those. They will also be listed and linked when there is a link in the next podcast recap email. So if you get that don't worry about taking notes it'll be in the latest LazyListens email. As always we'll celebrate the Lazy Genius of the Week and we'll close things out with a mini pep talk for when you're lonely. Now before we get into the episode I wanted to let you know that the plan my book on compassionate time management it is on sale right now in the Kindle store. If price is often an issue for you when you read books sometimes the best choice is a $2 e-book so if that is you the plan is currently $1.99 which is amazing and if you know someone who would enjoy reading the book you can click on the button buy for others and have the book delivered to a friend. That's cheaper than like a small black coffee and it's still pretty energizing just in a different way I guess. This sale will likely last through this week so grab a cheap copy of the plan if you have been interested in reading it fall is a great time to have a more compassionate take on time management. Alright let's get into the 10 things I always do when I have people over. First let's set the stage for hospitality and what it actually is. So the dictionary says that it is the friendly, generous and welcoming treatment of guests, visitors or strangers. I want to look at some of those words real quick. So hospitality is friendly you know you're seeing the person you're making them feel safe you're looking them in the eye you're valuing their presence with you. Hospitality is friendly. Hospitality is also generous you're giving them something of your own whether it's food or time a listening ear or just a safe place to be themselves. Hospitality is also welcoming you're willing and eager to open the door both literally and figuratively you're saying come on in I'm so glad you're here with your voice but also with your actions and hospitality shows all of these things to guests which are people we invite to visitors which are people who are new and to strangers which are people we don't know at all. We can be hospitable and create that culture in our homes but also at work and in our cars while we're driving that is one for me specifically and waiting in the school pickup line or at the DMV or walking the dog around the neighborhood prioritizing friendliness generosity and welcome are keystones and helping people feel seen and known in this world not just around your table. Now specifically in your home well really in my home I have five words that direct my specific expression of hospitality. I value these five things being true when I have people over and they impact the things that I choose to do. That's true everywhere right what you believe determines what you do what you value determines what you choose what matters to you determines who you spend your time and energy on what you're doing how you move in the world. That's why naming what matters is so important otherwise you're just kind of floating on autopilot responding to the priorities and values of people around you instead of being guided from within you. That's true in life and it's true in hospitality. So my five words that matter most when having people over and frankly the five words that direct the culture of our home even when it's just my family there are warm relaxed confident thoughtful and safe. When it comes to hospitality I want the people I have over to feel like they belong and are not in the way that is warmth. It's welcoming you know just as it was described in the definition of hospitality warmth really matters relaxed. I want people to feel at ease. I also want to feel at ease you know I want to be relaxed I want to be a host who is present and with people even if things are undone around me right confident. I want to be a confident host and that I am a steady guide to what is happening next. I think when we're under the guidance or leadership of a confident person not an arrogant person it allows us to also feel confident it's a certain level of safety to trust the person who's in charge and then that helps us trust ourselves in that situation too. Thoughtful I want to consider the experience of the people that I have over and what might make them feel seen and cared for thoughtfulness is in the details it requires empathy and it's also very kind and then finally safe I want the people I have over to feel like they can totally be themselves. Safety doesn't necessarily have to mean like deep vulnerable conversations even though it certainly can but it's more about no pretense no expectations no judgment no room for that person to feel like they have to perform in order to be in my home or be with me and my family that really starts with my own safety and lack of performance when I'm just me and safe with myself others can more easily be safe with themselves too. So those are the five words that matter to me about hospitality warm relaxed confident thoughtful and safe. Now before we get into the 10 things I always do when I have people over based on those five things that matter to me and before we take an ad break which makes this episode free for you to listen to thank you so much sponsors. Here's your quick reminder that we send out a podcast recap email every other Friday it's called latest lazy listens it summarizes the episode it shares the lazy genius of the week as well as other segments that we have on the show like today it'll have a list of my go-to recipes when I have people over and there's also an extra little note for me to help encourage you through the weekend so if you would like to get that recap head to the lazygenuscollective.com Hello I'm Elizabeth Day the creator and host of how to fail it's the podcast that celebrates the things in life that haven't gone right and what if anything we've learned from those mistakes to help us succeed better each week my guests share three failures sparking intimate thought provoking and funny conversations you'll hear from a diverse range of voices sharing what they've learned through their failures join me Wednesdays for a new episode each week this is an Elizabeth Day and Sony music entertainment original podcast listen now wherever you get your podcasts. Okay so my hospitality words are warm relaxed confident thoughtful and safe maybe this inspires you to come up with your own hospitality words that help direct the choices that you make now I have 10 things that I do every time I have someone over and I'm really excited to share them with you sometimes we forget how simple things can make a big difference but when we're thoughtful about them like see that's actually one of my five words when we're thoughtful about those things they really can create an experience for people that makes them feel the most like themselves when they come over to our house. Alright number one I always have yummy food always now do I always make it myself not necessarily I do have some go-tos like I said that I'll share at the end of the episode and today's a little extra something but yummy does not have to mean homemade in fact I would so much rather be present with takeout than frazzled with something homemade so if homemade food makes you feel overwhelmed don't worry about it just make whatever food you get yummy I love yummy food so much I mean I think I think we all do but food that satisfies that activates your senses that brings you pleasure and then eating that food with people it is so deeply connective and satisfying in fact there is research from the University of Oxford Oxford and it determined that the more people eat with others the more happy they are with their lives people who eat socially feel better about themselves and have a stronger social network which contributes to dealing with more difficult circumstances when they arise so sharing food especially yummy food it creates bonding in the actual moment of eating it is good for our souls you guys so I always have yummy food whether I make it or not so that's number one okay number two I always have a hosting buddy all right what's a hosting buddy so it's someone who shares the same values of hospitality that you do and who knows you well enough to jump in when you need help now that person can be your spouse if you have one but it can also be someone else that you invite so we have a family that we do a lot with and often if I'm having someone over for the first time I will actually invite this family to just to extend the social connections with the new friends but also to have a hosting buddy to have my friend there who knows me and my house and what matters when it comes to people who doesn't feel weird like bumping around on my cabinets and drawers to find stuff who can notice that the tzatziki needs a spoon who can cut the chicken while I greet new friends who've just come over and be present with them having a hosting buddy is like such a gift and because I do tend to get in the direction of like frazzled if I'm left unchecked having someone who is calm and knows me and is helping me cook or say hi or whatever it really keeps me the most like myself so that's the second thing that I always do when I have somebody over as I have a hosting buddy number three I always save a task or two for introverts who do not want to deal with small talk or for people who just like want to help you know they just they want to they want to be put to work when they come over so I will intentionally leave like water pitchers empty or I will leave plates stacked on the table rather than set around the table I'll ask someone to spoon hummus from the container into a bowl or you know to ask someone to be like hey can you ask everybody who wants cheese on their burgers like I love saving tasks because someone will always either offer to help or look like they really need something to do with their hands like they're just not ready yet and on the rare chance that neither thing happens I'll just ask someone to fill the water pitcher if I need help I'd like no harm no foul so that's the third thing I always do the fourth thing I always do when I have people over is have something where folks can immediately help themselves an appetizer if you will bread drinks even putting out like little spoons if somebody wants to taste the the tikka masala before we eat it or something I think wedding the appetite is lovely but I also think having an obvious place where people can go and know what to do with the confident prompting of me of course can contribute to the people who come over they experience warmth they feel relaxed they might be so hungry so like some cheese on the counter is water in the desert man or like just having drinks already out or something like that it can be so lovely this is another reason I love having a hosting buddy because they could make like pre-dinner cocktails you know maybe if that's your thing they can be make it a whole event in the beginning it's so hospitable like think about it having someone care enough to make you a drink to order like seriously that's so fun it feels so special so that's the fourth thing I always have something out where people can immediately help themselves number five I always play music holy moly always music part of the reason for that is that when a new person walks into a new place and it's super quiet any pause in conversation it feels bigger now listen pauses and awkwardness they're just part and parcel to hosting like they happen it's gonna be fine but music it fills in the gaps in a way that's like it's just too easy to ignore now for a while I would forget to start the music until after the first person arrived and I like noticed the silence so I was kind of like scrambling to find something to play it felt like I was trying to cover the silence it was a thing as a whole thing now I just always start music when I'm making dinner or like a solid half an hour before people come over it calms me down it makes me feel relaxed and have a good time and then it's already playing when people arrive right of course I love breezy instrumental as the background for just about anything that's a playlist I have on Spotify but I do think something like oldies that's like a really great call have you ever had someone make you an old-fashioned while Ray Charles is singing in the background like that's a great vibe right there man so I always play music it creates warmth it makes me and the other people feel more relaxed it's thoughtful because of that hiding over silences which can be a kindness for people who are nervous about conversation and it's just fun it's always connective when people who haven't known each other very long start singing the same thing at the same time because it just came on it's like when you can't not sing the chorus living on a prayer when it comes on the radio or whatever right everybody does it well you have to and then suddenly everybody's on the same team it's just the best music is the best music is the best okay the sixth thing I always do when I have people over is clean the bathroom I am definitely a fan of imperfect hospitality and I don't think everything needs to be cleaned within an inch of its life or that you have to like cram everything into a closet like Monica did on Friends when someone is coming over lived in homes are deeply hospitable but I do think for me having a clean bathroom it contributes to my priority of being thoughtful like doing a quick vacuum of the floor a quick wipe of the toilet in the sink with two different Clorox wipes making sure there's like plenty of toilet paper that's in an obvious place that's very visible right even having a bottle of poop spray or air freshener or a lit candle those things can be really nice to help someone feel safe if they just have no choice but to poop in your home like we all poop and we all poop in multiple places but there is an insecurity for a lot of us when we have to poop at someone else's house especially someone we don't know or someone who's like waiting on us in the kitchen with an old-fashioned so making that bathroom experience feel clean and warm and safe is a way that I like to be hospitable now I still have like patched holes on my bathroom wall that I've not been sanded and painted yet but the bathroom is always clean when someone comes over the seventh thing I always do when I have people over is have a question or two ready to go some kind of conversation starter I used to work hard at coming up with something super interesting or thoughtful or fun or I would just like forget beforehand and go with something like you know off the top of my head like have you read anything good lately which like is a great question sometimes but it's not a guaranteed conversation generator and not everybody loves to read in the same way well then I found Priya Parker's concept of magical questions Priya Parker is the author of one of my favorite books ever the art of gathering she really like affirmed my love of gathering and hospitality that confidence that confident value that I hold really came from Priya giving me permission to be a confident host so if you love to be hospitable or you actually really struggle with it the art of gathering is such a great book anyway so Priya has this concept of magical questions okay not the magic question but magical questions so a magical question is a question that you are interested in answering and everyone else is interested in hearing other people's answers so like everybody wants to answer it but everybody also wants to hear all the answers so having a handful of those at the ready that you can always ask that is legit magical because sometimes questions we ask to connect a group they can fall flat and then you might feel the pressure of like being the host and picking up the conversation and keeping you going y'all I am extroverted I love having people in my home I am relational I love talking to people and hearing from people I'm a natural connector I love when people are connecting with each other I am well suited to do this on my own and I often ask questions that are absolute duds so don't assume that everyone just knows how to ask these questions they're cultivated and gathered and practiced you can totally be an introvert and have five magical questions in your mental inventory that you can just pull out even just one to start a conversation often it just takes one spark to open up a whole conversation that lasts a long time or that creates opportunities to ask follow up questions about other people as they share things about themselves magical questions are amazing and they're for anyone to use a couple of favorites from Priya's collection are what posters did you have on your wall when you were a teenager what was your first job and would you ever do it again what is a path you almost took but didn't and what is your anti pet peeve something so small that brings you like outsized joy instead of outsized frustration aren't those also great don't you want to answer them and hear other people's answers that's the beauty of a magical question so even people who are less inclined to talk publicly they're probably gonna feel fairly comfortable entering into a conversation like this so the seventh thing I always do is have a question ready to go but now that I have Priya Parker's concept of magical questions it's even better the eighth thing I always do when I have people over is listen for relational connections this is how I'm wired so this is not a mandate for everyone but because I care about people feeling relaxed and safe and because hospitality is also about connecting people to each other I'm always looking for overlaps and what people say I have a very linear brain surprise surprise and I joke that I have a mental file folder on every person I know like I actively remember things about them favorite things ways they like to relax or enjoy life weird jobs they had teams that they like all kinds of things I just remember and I enjoy that remembering one of the best parts of that is finding things that exist in the file folders of different people that I'm with that are the same it's that thing when you're having dinner with some people and like one person says they graduated from high school in the town where you live and you're like wait me too what's cool and then you find out that you like both know the same band kid named Steve even though you graduated in different years or something or you connect to people who are Packers fans who happen to live in the South or two people who run marathons or two people who have dogs and love the same dog park like I love looking for relational connections because I think they make people feel relaxed and safe the night thing that I always do when I have people over is to keep at least one thing very low key or even childlike it's usually in regards to the food but not always food sometimes it's music which is why I like oldies there's nostalgia there or if it's friends of a certain age and ilk I'll play like 90s boy bands because that's just too much fun but usually the low key childlike thing is food boxed brownies and ice cream for dessert grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner but like really really yummy versions popsicles bowls of M&Ms s'mores oh my goodness s'mores having something that's just so beautifully low key that taps into a little nostalgia and like childlike wonder is such an easy but thoughtful way to create warmth and make someone feel relaxed and finally the 10th thing I always do when I have people over is go first if there are apps out I point them out to the people like hey here's some you know cheese and whatever and then I'll take one like or I'll say I'm having a cocktail would anyone else like one while I'm making it most definitely I'm gonna sit down at the table at the same time as everyone else rather than like moving around to make sure everyone has what they need they probably do but if I'm not with people when they're eating especially people who have like southern manners and are thinking like should we wait for her she's still in the kitchen like should we eat that doesn't put people at ease so go first or at least go with right be with your guests and visitors and strangers and friends this is based on my own values and again we can all have different ones but I think that it's easier for new friends and nervous guests to feel more relaxed if they're following my lead or they're not feeling like they're a burden because I'm doing something for them that I am also not taking part in so I always go first or at least go with so to recap the five words that matter to me about hospitality are warm relaxed confident thoughtful and safe to support those I always have yummy food I always have a hosting buddy I always save a task or two for introverts or for people who want to help I always have something where folks can immediately help themselves I always play music I always clean the bathroom I always have a question or two ready to go I always listen for relational connections I always keep at least one thing very low-key or child like and I always go first or at least go with and those are the ten things I always do when I have people over all right for today's a little extra something I'm gonna share with you my favorite things to feed the people when they come over I have some things that are my decide-once meals which it makes it so much easier when people do come over fewer decisions to worry about plus the more you have people over and make the same types of things the more confident you get with those things or even just one meal doesn't have to be multiple it just be one so one thing I always do to that I I didn't mention this earlier is I have takeout containers that I don't need back like I always have a stock in my pantry of those like cylindrical plastic deli containers that I in a garden always used and also like rectangular black ones with a lid I have tiny condiment cups with lids I use those for sauces or chopped herbs or something these are all super helpful when you are packing up leftovers when people are at your house or when you're taking food to someone new sending people home with food or taking food to their home in containers that they do not have to return to you is one of the greatest kindnesses of all time so a quick honorable mention for a meal that I love to bring to people to their own homes not necessarily when they come over even when people come over is Kate Strickler's black bean soup with some simple cheese quesadillas it has become my new take dinner to people meal I always have the ingredients like always always most of them are pantry staples are just like things we always have in the house the soup is so easy bizarrely delicious for being as simple as it is even for people who don't have black beans in this meal it taps into that low-key childlike thing I mentioned earlier it's just so daggum comforting so I put soup in two quart deli containers one for eating and one for freezing for another day that I send both to the people I make some quesadillas in a cast iron skillet after microwaving the quesadilla first for like 30 seconds to give them a cheese like a little a little boost right a little rocket fuel so I cook quesadillas I cut those up I put them in one of those littered containers I might plop a few dollops of sour cream maybe some chopped green onions maybe some shredded cheese and like those little smaller containers and then I drop all that off in a paper bag if I had time that day I will also make box brownies I always add a little bit of espresso powder vanilla salt and chocolate chunks I stir that into whatever box brownie mix I use which is usually the is it Ghirardelli triple chocolate I think that's my favorite box brownie mix but I always add those things in that is also comforting right so this whole meal is it's easy it's protein heavy but it's also vegetarian friendly which is nice it can be made gluten-free by just swapping out quesadillas with corn tortillas instead of flour or just using like tortilla chips instead of quesadillas you can grab a pint of ice cream instead of making brownies if the person is gluten-free and you're all set it's just like the best go-to so thank you Kate for making that amazing black bean soup everybody Google nap time kitchen black bean soup it's her version of change your life chicken like I'm gonna have a chicken on my tombstone she's gonna have a can of black beans on hers okay now for hosting at home so I do love making homemade pizza when people come over if you've been here a while you know this pizza is one of my favorite foods it's just delicious obviously it's versatile it's fun and it's nostalgic it's like immediately low-key still super yummy which are two things I always do another go-to meal when people are coming over is my chicken shawarma we will link that in the show notes and definitely in the podcast recap email you can also just Google it I will make that and then depending on time I might make or buy rice non tzatziki hummus I might chop up some cherry tomatoes or something I might pickle some onions like I don't know it's also a really great meal to have people bring something to help out especially if you're having people over that you often have over you can just be like hey can you grab naan from Nazareth bread on your way here like done right that that chicken that chicken it's a monster when I also love an Asian rice bowl I'll make a bunch of rice I'll cook some ground beef and like soy sauce and ginger maybe some mirin which is like sweetened like an Asian situation that's like sweet some sriracha maybe for heat and then there are like a million things that you can add to that right and I might make a bunch of them I made him buy other people to bring those things cabbage salad pickled onions roasted broccoli or roasted carrots sauces mint and cilantro a green onion it's always so good it's always so good and then again brownies ice cream a big slab of chocolate cake for dessert and then finally the other go-to is like we'll just grill burgers and hot dogs sides can be anything homemade store-bought just chips and fruit things brought by others easy and it's nostalgic as well plus it's easy enough to throw on a veggie burger for any vegans who are in the house so homemade pizza chicken shawarma Asian rice bowls and hamburgers and hot dogs those are my go-to meals when I'm having people over and I always had dessert because of course I do and that's today's a little extra something all right let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week this week it's Andrea Gregory Andrea writes we are on a road where everyone has 10 acres our houses are not close together and so if you want to get to know your neighbors you have to be intentional connection with my neighbors is important to me so we began something when we moved in that I call second Saturday Sundays at the beginning of the summer I send a flyer out to all the neighbors inviting them to join us in the cul-de-sac on the second Saturday of every month for some ice cream Sundays I created a plastic bin where I keep paper bowls spoons ice cream scoops wipes all the toppings cups and napkins so the day of the event I just pull out the bin and bring a table a trash can and a jug of water down to the cul-de-sac and set everything up everyone brings a chair with them so they have somewhere to sit whether we have one family or 10 we end up having an amazing time just hanging out together and relaxing with a bowl of ice cream together at least once a month during the summer well you all know I love this I love a gathering and also this is a great example of how you don't have to gather in your home around the table or for dinner ice cream Sundays on the street all day man let's do it so this is so great Andrea thank you for sharing and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week all right as we close let's have a mini pep talk on being lonely if you are lonely an episode about having people over is kind of a drag you might be a person who wishes you could have people over but there just aren't people that is real you have likely heard that we are in a loneliness epidemic frankly I think that's why we have such division in our country because we're just not connected to each other in a formative way loneliness breeds hopelessness and hopelessness keeps us down for the count so I want to remind you of a couple of things especially if you were lonely so many people are lonely you're not alone and your loneliness and what that means is that this world is bursting with people who want to be connected with now it's not your fault that you haven't found them yet but statistically if one in three people feels lonely on a weekly basis and one in ten people feels pervasive loneliness all the time which is what the statistics say there are a lot of people who need each other we just need to keep an eye out try some new things and go first art classes volunteer opportunities book clubs run by your local library civic service being a reading buddy in an elementary school saying hi to the person that you pass every day while walking your dog and doing that awkward thing of asking them their name so that you can start greeting them by name and maybe even one day like strike amper conversation going to church or if you're taking a break from one you find a bame of podcast group that meets since Bama is a place where many Christians are finding some comfort and hope right now you can follow your city on Instagram and notice what the local events are and go to them you can invite your co-worker out for a drink after work and then maybe to dinner eventually if you all get along you can go to a trivia night with people you might not know well but you will know them better after the trivia night is over I guarantee that go to an exercise class and put down your mat or whatever in the same place every time because maybe the people around you do the same thing and then you recognize each other and you can become friendly with them now sometimes this is so slow often it is also really discouraging but if there was ever a time to start small it's here if you're feeling lonely every single smile you offer someone else matters even if it's just you being an open person every single class you go to without making a friend matters because it grows your muscles to try every single person you hang out with that you don't click with it's just sifting through until you find the one that does you might not come out on the other side of your loneliness with like a gaggle of friends that you go on vacation with but you will be less lonely with even just one and you're also making that person less lonely by being yourself with them too so if you are lonely I'm so sorry it's so hard and also keep going stay hopeful look out say hi go first start small and be kind to yourself while you wait and that's a mini pep talk for when you're feeling lonely if this episode was helpful to you or if you've been looking for a way to support the show it would mean the world if you would share this episode with a friend or you can leave a kind review on Apple podcasts both of those things they seem small and in some ways they are but it's those small things that add up to get the show in front of more people and the world needs more lazy geniuses thank you for listening sharing and supporting us this podcast is part of the Odyssey family and the office ladies network this episode is hosted by me Kendra produced by Kendra d'Achi, Jennifer and Angela Kinsey special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production if you'd like a podcast recap every other week be sure to sign up for the latest lazy listens email that goes out every other Friday head to the lazygeniuscollective.com slash listens to get it thanks y'all for listening and until next time be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't I've Kendra I'll see you next week