#398: Jeemp Bram Carokee

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Okay, so we are auditioning, and this is kind of just a big group audition. We're basically, we're just looking for the next, like, oozing, exuding charm. Just charm, charm, charm, charm bomb for our next romantic comedy. So we just want to see you kind of in your natural state, kind of exuding as much charm as you possibly can. We really want you to pop on screen, and we want everyone who watches to fall in love with your antics. Knock, knock, knock. Are my ears burning? Leans me in store. Throws jacket over shoulder. Are you here for the audition? You're 45 minutes late. Oh, I'm sorry. I saw a puppy on the side of the road and had to stop and save it. Oh, that's okay. Uh, yeah, that's, wow, that's actually, hey, write this down. What was your name? It's a long story. Hey, you've got an eyelash. Let me just. Oh, ow, ow. I have lots of eyelashes. They're all attached. Make a wish. Wish you wouldn't do that anymore. Really wish you wouldn't do that anymore. Wish came true. Sorry I'm late. I got caught in the rain. And I've always told myself, since I was a young boy, Anytime it rains, live free. Don't put up an umbrella. Don't run inside. Let the water soak you to the bone. Because those are the moments. Write that down. Write all that down. These are the moments. Write all that down. Hey, so you got some hair in your face. Let me tuck it behind your ear. Oh, ow. I just had a transplant. Sorry about that. Ow. Okay. No, it's fine. It's fine. Everybody, why don't we stop touching me? I'm just a casting director. so you don't really need to touch me at all. Why don't we have all of our... Hey, sorry I'm late. Did you leave and now you're coming back? Don't go, okay? Stay. Stay for the audition? Stay, okay? Where's this done? Is that what you want me to say? Because I'll say it. I'll say it over and over and over again. Be here. Stay here. Be with me. Carol! Carol! Carol! Am I too late? Did you get back together with Dave? I don't know who either one of those people are, but... That's fine, but I want you to know that no one will ever love you the way I love you. Pick us. Choose us. Oh, we're actually not casting. We're just seeing if we can get people to give us a bunch of dialogue that we're going to steal the bodies for the movie. What the fuck? This has been so helpful for me. Rutabaga, Rutabaga. Rule Bob, rule Bob, rule Bob. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots. Peas and carrots. Background actors getting upset. Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots. Hey, welcome to the premiere show for peas and carrots. I'm JPC, which stands for John Peas and Carrots. I'm Adel Rhubarb, Rhubarb, Rhubarb. I'm Erin Leif. Huh? Erin Leif. No, Erin. Hey, everyone's was good. Erin Leif is her name. Keith. Aaron you're still looking like you want to do more than Aaron Leaf Leek Aaron Leek Aaron don't you don't want to do that one Aaron Onion Aaron I hate to be the one to tell you this I don't know why I'm telling you this and not your agent or what family member but you did not get Garden State apparently it went to I didn't get the 2005 movie Garden State. Apparently, it went to the young woman from The Professional. Did Zach Braff get it? Yes, Zach Braff got it. Ah! I wanted to kiss Natalie Portman. I don't even care anymore. I don't even care. I'm going to quit. I'm going to quit. I'm quitting. No, Aaron. Stick with it, Aaron. I think that eventually you can kiss Natalie Portman. Stick with it. Okay. I'll give it one more year. although and Aaron I hate to hate to burst your bubble because I know you have goals I don't think Natalie Portman actually kisses in any of those movies I think she has a kiss double I can get double the kisses no it's just it's Keira Knightley if you think you're kissing Natalie Portman you're kissing Keira Knightley yeah I'm going to go ahead and not complain about that I'm going to go ahead and let that be awesome. Oh, Aaron, I know I just gave you bad news, but I'm... Fuck, it sucks that I have to tell you this. It seems like you did not get the part of Queen Amidala in the 1990... I want to say eight... Oh my god, did he and Christensen get it? I'm so fucking tired of him getting all the parts that I want. No, it was actually Jimmy Smits. And Jumper. Oh, okay, never mind. Smits got it. Smits deserved it. He can do it all. he can do it all well guys did you guys love it when Jimmy Smith showed up back in Andor was that him no they recast it I think he wasn't available so they got Benjamin Bratt yeah Benjamin Bratt Benjamin Bratt and Jimmy Smith do look like kissing cousins I do like and Andor I do like in Andor when it is Benjamin Bratt and not Jimmy Smith no one was like oh man they didn't get Jimmy Smith they got they went they did as best as they got Benjamin Bratt, they did as best as they could do. They got someone who was sort of like Jimmy Smits. I think Jimmy Smits, Benjamin Bratt, and Lou Diamond Phillips are all sort of circling the same target, I want to say. You know when you go into an audition room and you sit down and you see Benjamin Bratt, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Jimmy Smits, you're not getting the part. You're not getting the part. Yeah, I'd see myself out. Aaron, who do you think, if you went on an audition? Okay. Who do you think you would, what known celebrities do you think he'd be up against? Who are some Aaron Dykes? Oscar the Grouch. Yep. The Ghost of Christmas Past from Muppet Christmas Carol. And that creepy doll from Toy Story 4. Annabelle. Yes. Oh, my God. Thank you. Yes. So, Aaron, you probably have some experience with this. But when you sometimes when you get like an audition, they'll have like sides or they'll have like a character breakdown of like the person that they're looking for, the type that they're looking for for this. And something that people do very often is if there's like a very hot, popular person, they will say like a this type or that type in the audition. recently a friend shared with me some audition sites that they got and the audition sites were like it was like a the thing that they were calling for was a mix between Conor O'Malley and Zach Cherry oh my gosh which is like crazy that's what they said in the sides like the description and I thought Conor Cherry, Zach O'Malley somewhere there but I thought it would be so funny if either Zach Cherry or Conor O'Malley auditioned for that thing. Like, anytime it says that they want a this type, that person, I think, should be legally required to have to audition for that just so that the people could be like, yeah, but not you. Like, you but less money. Like, I don't want to pay for you. You but less money. Yeah. A this type, but like not obtainable in a way. Yeah. But non-union. A non-union sex. That's what they should put it there. We want a non-union courtroom for this part. Erin, do you ever see side stuff like that? I don't audition as much anymore. You're offer only? I'm offer only. No, I just don't love doing on-camera stuff, so I just don't do it. but I in my 20s would be like a lot of like because I had long black hair it would be a lot of like Zooey Deschanel type like awkward girl next door which was brutal and then you'd show up at an audition and everyone would look exactly like me everyone has a little ukulele yeah like sort of sunken owl eyes There's a lot of owls with bangs in Chicago going out for the same commercials Owls with bangs It is like a three week period when you're a woman in your 20s That you are like going out for like young cool girl at the bar stuff To like old crone The mother of a crone Like kooky teacher You're too old to play a crone but you could play a crone's grandma. You know what? Honored. Honored to be an old grandma. Well, I think we need to put this to the test. I do need to see a scene. You said, what was it? Old grandma? Cold grandma? Old and cold grandma. Okay, so Aaron, this is you being an old cold grandma. And JPC, you are sort of a Lou Diamond Phillips, Benjamin Bratt, Jimmy Smits type. Yes. And you need to get this grandma off Andor before Andor explodes. Wait, Andor's a planet, right? It's a person. But he's a planet, right? Yes, okay. I gotta get her off Andor before he explodes. Jesus, would it kill you to turn the heat on? What, are you trying to save your money? God. I'm not trying to save anyone. I'm just trying to save this man who, if you don't get off him, he's going to explode. This is not a man. This is a heating pad. I know he feels warm, but that's because he's a living person generating body heat. I'll take what I can get. You know, my son said he was going to come over here with a space heater, and he hasn't come over here at all. We live in space. You don't have to say space heater. Every heater that we see, every heater on Coruscant is a space heater. You know what I'm saying? All right. Well, all of a sudden he went to Tatooine to chase a girl. I think he's being scammed. I don't think the girl's real. I said, ask her how many moons you can see from Tatooine. Ma'am? What? Get off of Andor, okay? No! If he dies, we don't have a third season. Number one, he's handsome. You ever see E2 Mama Tambien? I have seen E2 Mama Tambien. He's so good in it. He's very handsome. He's warm. He's not a large man. He's a tiny man. He's warm. I'm on him. If you kill Diego Luna, what happens if Andor dies? Do you think he's going to stay warm? Skarsgård will take over. I don't care. This is no concern of mine. Okay, and I do want to hard pivot into the new movie R2-E2-Mama-Tambien. No. See? No. Come on. Oh, my God. Come on. R2-E2-Mama-Tambien. He got it out. He got R2-E2-Mama-Tambien. That's all we need to do. Okay. He got it out. I guess GPC doesn't like to have fun anymore. R2, E2. You don't let Adol cook anymore. You don't let him cook the way he used to. Let him cook. All right, Aaron. Let's see it. Let's see it. Let's see it. I don't want to do that. Yeah, I don't have anything. Yeah, we don't have anything for it, but let him cook. Earlier today, I went to my annual skin screening, which is when they project a movie on your skin. Today I chose the water boy. But as they were doing the skin screening and then as I was leaving, one of the people who was still in the room and never introduced themselves handed me a piece of paper about sunscreen that had sunscreen tips on it. And I was like, they gave it to me and I was like, thanks, but I'm 37. If I haven't been doing this, At this point, you shouldn't be giving me this. This feels like a long list of like, here's what you missed. Like, if you didn't do this, you're kind of fucked. Nothing you can do about it now, but. I've heard the Baz Luhrmann song. I assume that's enough. Well, songs may be a strong term. Yes. It's mostly just him talking. Yeah, but what a voice. I don't know. It's never too late, JPC. You're probably going to live another six, seven months. Yeah. Yeah. To be clear, I have been using sunscreen, but it's also very funny to be like, have you never heard of sunscreen? Have this list. Oh, SPF. Interesting. Interesting. Speaking of SPF, so puzzles, fuckers. Let's do some. Yeah, that's SPF. I love it. I hope we're not doing SPF 50, which is what they recommend. 50 puzzles. That's a lot of puzzles. Well, let's do some warmups here. This is what I like to call triples as best. I'm going to say three things. You have to tell me what they all have in common. Got it. Van Halen, the monsters, Norbit. They're all words. They're all words. You got it. They're all words. Next up. Peach, strawberry, blueberry. Words. They're all words. Fruits. Yep. Van Halen, the monsters, Norbit. These are all flops. All right. So Norbit was Eddie Murphy playing multiple characters. Van Halen had multiple lead singers. Eddie Munster was played by two different people. Okay. JBC kind of said the answer. They're all recast. They all have been multiple. So think of like the big guitarist for Van Halen. Change guitaring forever. Change guitaring. Slash. That's Guns N' Roses, my boy. Fuck. Which one was Samuel Hagar? He was a singer. You said it for the Munsters. And you said it for Norbert. Multiple people? More specific. More specific. Not just people, but specifically. Leads. The same person doing two parts. No. Even hyper-specific. What person? Eddie Murphy. Eddie. Eddie's. Famous Eddie's. They all have Eddie's. Eddie Van Halen, Eddie Munster, Eddie Murphy. Okay. Okay, Famous Eddie's. That's so much easier than where I was going way too complicated with it. How about St. Louis McDonald's feet? They all have arches. They all have arches. Oh. Race car, kayak. Look at my pervert list. Aaron. It's pervert bingo. Race car, kayak, yo banana boy. Race car, kayak. Oh, they all have fiberglass bodies. Yo, banana boy. Day bow bow. Oh, yeah. Race car. Kayak and yo, banana boy. Erin, do you know what yo, banana boy is? I have no idea what that is. Is that a brand or is that a slogan? Yo, banana boy. I'd say neither. It's a phrase that fits the pattern. Race car, kayak, yo, banana. Oh, it's palindromes. These are all palindromes. I do want to see a scene. Yo, banana boy. I do want to see a scene. JPC, you are new to a high school. You made the mistake of packing a big bunch of bananas for your lunch. Erin, you are the school bully who has taken note that this kid, the new kid, has brought only bananas for lunch. Yo, everybody, look. Check out Banana Boy. Oh, yeah. Banana Boy. Banana Boy. I took the liberty of Googling you, Banana Boy. That was your first mistake. Nothing to see here. Real boy. Eat real lunch. I don't think so. Human boy. I don't think so. No jungle. Human boy. I don't think so, Banana Boy. It says here they found you in the middle of the jungle. No, no, no, no. Two explorers found you. They adopted you, and they brought you back to here, Illinois. No, those, that were my parents. I from jungle. Oh, yeah? My parents. No, wait. We were, I from Connecticut. Connecticut. Go whalers. Hey Johnny I need to see you after class I have good news and bad news The good news is you passed the quiz Oh right The bad news is you did it with your feet and technically I can't give you a grade on that. So you are going to fail the test. Can I get incomplete? No, I think... Sorry, I'm listening, but this is going to bug me. can I pick bug out of hair? Out of my hair or your hair? Dealer's joints. Hunt, hunt, hunt, hunt, hunt. Hey, honey, how was your first day? Did you panic and do a voice? Yeah, I did a voice. I did a voice the whole time. You packed me all bananas, Mom. What was I supposed to do? I fucking panicked. Wait, you didn't write with your feet. Why are your shoes off? The bullies took my shoes almost immediately. Oh, my God. All right. Well, we're I told you, tape them on. We're going to have to change schools again. That's awesome. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, this is a good one. There was a, it's probably come out and it completely missed me, but there was a trailer that I saw several times when I was seeing 40X movies for a movie where the central conceit was that like, it's like a horror movie where like a family adopted a chimpanzee And then the chimpanzee like goes crazy and like starts killing them like in their house. And the whole time I'm watching this, I'm like, that's just what would happen if you brought a chimpanzee to your house. Like they're wild. They're not a domesticated animal. And they're freaky strong. Like what the fuck is anyone thinking? That's like Jaws where I'm like, it's not really a horror film. I mean, the shark's just doing its thing. Get the fuck out of there. Get out of the fucking water. Get out of there. It's like Jaws. If you brought Jaws to your house, you're like, yeah, we have a problem. pool shark. It's like a shark in our pool. It's fine. They're part of the family. Shark, what are you doing? I'm just doing my thing. It's a horror movie. A family goes on safari and a lion eats them. And it's like, well, what were they doing? Were they roaming the savannah? Were they in the lion's house? Yeah. Was this Primate? Was that the movie? Hey, it sounds right. Is that the name of the movie? I think so. I'll tell you this. I maybe saw that trailer three times in theaters and never once did I like did the name of the movie stick out to me. I it could have they could have flashed the title card at the end. It was like this piece of shit. And I think that movie is called this piece of shit. Sorry if you're a listener and you were in primate or whatever. Hey, but also congratulations. You got to do what you got to do. You know, make a little money. Now, my big thing is anything that's as strong as 10 of me. Yes. I don't want to put pants or a shirt on. What about an ant? Yeah. So you're telling me you don't want to see Woody Allen's ants? Do they wear pants and shirts and that? I don't know. I guess we all have to watch Woody Allen's ants now. Review crew coming up. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. All Woody Allen march on the review crew. No, no, no, no. Let's do two more. Yeah. And this is a great one. Frozen in time in Times Square, above the below over the Thames River, drowned alive in Lincoln Center. And this is a great one. Drowned alive in Lincoln Center. Frozen in time in Times Square, above the below over the Thames River, drowned alive in Lincoln Center. Ah, boy. Are these, this feels like, is the answer in any way movies related? Are like movies part of this? Not movies, but it is performance related. Okay. Oh, is this magician related? JPC, blazing hot. Blazing hot. Is it, okay, David Blaine? These are all David Blaine stunts. Remember David Blaine? Yeah. I want to see a scene. Adol, you are David Blaine's biggest rival. And JPC, you're his assistant. And you guys are trying to figure out a pitch to sort of get on his level and get as much attention as him. Got it. Okay, I guess it just sucks first that my name is David Dane. Because there's so much confusion. But you're older than him. I'm older and slightly more anemic. and tired. Okay, well, do you want to change it? I could get the court paperwork started to change it. Why don't we do this? Let's not worry about your name, David. Why don't we just worry about the illusions? Because that's where you're going to beat him. That's where you're going to beat David Blind. Yeah. So maybe, because he buried himself alive for like two weeks, so maybe I bury myself dead. Okay, yeah. There's no bad ideas in brainstorming. All right. Barry dead on the board. What about this? Yeah. David Blaine's never done anything with a volcano. Would you, is there something maybe in the realm of volcano where you could do like dipping yourself in or like dipping a toe in? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I dip my feet in a volcano. And that's magic. I'll lose my feet. Okay. Well, hey, no bad ideas. All right. Lose your feet. because he kind of suspends himself in a box in the air for like 30 days. This is not really magic. This is my fault for brainstorming. Yes, let's not think of ways that you can kill or maim yourself, which we could do that later if we decide that that's the best career path for you. Let's think of purely of like what you could do magic trick wise. I have a grande hot milk for a Bavid. That can't be right. Did I write this wrong? I'll take care of this, David. I'm sorry, that's supposed to be kid temp. It's not supposed to be hot. It's supposed to be warm. It's supposed to be kid temp. Okay, but it's for a grown-up? Yeah, but you can order kid temp. It's not like a Happy Meal. It's the same price. It is like a Happy Meal. It's like a Happy Meal? It comes with a toy? Yeah, you have to prove that you're a kid, yeah. And it comes with a toy. Prove you're a kid? Yeah, if you want a kid to do that. David, you can do this, okay? David Blaine could never prove that he's a kid. You could prove that you're a kid. That could be your trick. Whoa. I'm going to turn back time and become a kid. Watch this. But my girlfriend. You can't do that in here. I own a fapple. He's going to be very mad at me. Okay, here we go. Ma'am, watch this. Just watch this. Nothing up my sleeves. You cannot do this in here. You cannot do this in here. Move some of these chairs. Put some tables back. Push some tables back. You cannot do that in here. Give him space. You cannot do that in here. Give him space. You cannot do that in here. Sir, put your pants back on. It's okay. I'm three. Three-year-olds don't have to wear pants, ma'am. You got to get out of here. Yeah, it makes sense. David, you got to go. Yeah, it makes sense. That makes a lot of sense for us to leave. What happened to David Blaine? He's still around, isn't he? Was David Blaine in the Pussy Posse? Am I misremembering this? He was. He was. Tobey Maguire, Ethan Supley, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lucas Haas. Is there one instance, one instance of a famous magician being like a good guy? Or is every famous magician like also just kind of a complete psychopath? I want to say Penn Jillette. That's maybe the only one. Because, yeah, a lot of them are. It takes a certain persona to like be a magician. And that persona just happens to be like piece of shit. Piece of shit. And I'm talking like the, like the creme de la creme, creme de la creme sounds rude for any, any magician. Like household names. Yeah. Household name magicians. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, the person. You're David Copperfield. I remember once I went to, when I was a kid, kid, we had family that lived in Vegas and we went to Vegas and we saw a magic show. And it was not, it was Lance Burton. I saw Lance Burton in Vegas as a kid. It was Lance. And Lance Burton is like one of those like, still you know a careerist a working magician a big name in magic probably probably one of like top 10 but is also just like b tier like he's not quite like the headliner magician yeah maybe there's a chance that lance burton's a good guy maybe there's a chance if anyone's gonna pull it off it's him uh let's do one more of these triples as best uh let's see what if david copperfield we did a show and he was like for my next trick i will make my reputation disappear uh here's the last one movie ready for showing yeah oscar the grouch and prisoner movie ready for showing oscar the grouch prisoner it's in a can it's in the can they're in the can they're in the can they're in the can i'd like to see a scene. Yes. I'm going to be your boss and you guys are going to be garbage men and we're trying to cover up sort of an inevitable scandal that's about to happen. Alright guys, obviously we don't want it to be traced back to you that you are the two that threw Oscar the Grouch into the... I didn't know. I know and I know and I know you didn't know and I believe you, right? I thought I heard I thought I heard screaming and then it was just like green like ooze. Bluff. I guess it's his blood. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Can we get in trouble for anything that we say in here? Or is this... No, this is... We're going to bring in lawyers that are... Okay, I knew. I knew what we were doing. Hey, man, don't say that to me. I'm going to have to disclose that to the lawyers. What? I thought this was... I thought this was... I thought you were going to talk about the emotion of how traumatizing this has been. What do you mean you knew? What do you mean you knew? I saw something getting into the can, okay? But here's the thing. I thought he never left the can. So when I saw something climbing into it, I didn't necessarily know it was him. He shouldn't have been out of it, right? If that's the case, that could be a defense, right? No. You're definitely going down for this. We thought he was a raccoon? No, no. Can we say that? You guys have been using that excuse for a really long time. If you hadn't used it so many times. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I will say, and honest to God, when I stabbed Cookie Monster in the throat. I know. I thought, because he was eating cookies, but they kept falling out of his mouth. So I thought he needed a tracheotomy. Yep. And I had seen it done, and I just stabbed him in the throat. Yeah, with a pen. Yeah, but you're not a doctor, huh? You're not a doctor? No. If I'm going down, then I got some stuff that I have to say. The potluck last week, those chicken wings, that was Big Bird. Everybody was raving about the chicken wings. What is happening in this department that we have so much Muppet fluff on our hands? You know, I gave you guys a chance. Our route is Sesame Street. I know. If you put people on a route, they'll do their job. I put my two most whimsical garbage men on that route thinking the worst that could happen is you guys are on camera and someone's going to ask you what the letter of the day is. And you go like, gee, for garbage men. Or like they show, they do like a segment of showing you do your route. That would have been amazing. That would have been amazing. But I'll say last week, there was a guy who was kind of far away and I was kind of squinting. I was like, who is this dude? And then he ran up on me. This guy was far away and then he got right up close to me and I had to break his neck. That is a classic. Oh my God. Okay. Here is a list of the following Muppets that have been killed on your watch. Elmo, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, The Count, Abby Cadabby, Grover, Rosita, Mr. Snuffleupagus, Bert, Ernie. No, hey, don't put that on us. That was a murder-suicide. You were there. We murdered Bert, and then Ernie killed himself. Yes, I remember. Mr. Noodle, Baby Bear. I guess, yeah. Did they ever have garbage men on Sesame Street? It wasn't the whole conceit of Sesame Street that they would interact with like humans from the real world who did like jobs, like municipal jobs. Yeah, there was Gordon, Mr. Hooper. And celebrities. But did they have garbage? Did they have a garbage man ever? I guess maybe not because Oscar the Grouch lives in a garbage can. So you wouldn't want to introduce like someone whose whole job is to like displace, you know, the houseless Oscar the Grouch, right? There's Bruno the Trash Man. That actually describes his character. Oh, yeah, and he's holding Oscar the Grouch up. Do we ever see Oscar's legs? No. Dick. Pubes? If you don't see the legs, you probably don't see the dick. I guess Muppets are mostly pubes. Forget it. Forget I said anything ever. Forget I said anything ever. No one will see it, but when Adelson and Muppets are mostly pubes, he immediately flinched. Like, he knew he shouldn't have said it. The internet's forever The internet's forever Let's do another riddle or a break Yeah it's not forever but it's just for now A break Adel, Aaron What do you think of my new hair? Before you ask Yes I did pull Every piece of hair from my head because I was so stressed out about business finances. Yeah, buddy. That looks stressful. I love my new JPC wig. Thank you for this. And the best part, it was super painful to do because I used my hands and fingers. Wow. Should have used found, right, Erin? Should have used found. You should have used found. Found. It saved you from all the stress. Oh, I should have used found. Found makes it easy for small business owners to put all of their finances in one place. Instead of a bank account here, QuickBooks there, tax, invoicing apps stacked on top. Instead, I should have just used Found. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices, and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps. Why did I not use Found? And that's the thing, JPC, is they've made it so easy. they've even automated things like tracking expenses, finding write-offs, and budgeting for tax time. You can even send your invoices for free and pay your contractors, everything all from one app. They make it easy to regain control of your business finances, so you can come back to doing what you love, GPC, like making wigs. Well, I am going to be doing a lot of making wigs now because I'm going to have to open up a new small business line that sells GPC hair wigs, and people would buy them. So I can't even joke about making them because people would buy them. But I will use found and I will not stress out about having to use multiple different platforms to do everything that I need to do to run our business. We use found and I think that you should too. So take back control of your business today. Open a found account for free at found.com. That's F-O-U-N-D.com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by LeadBank, member FDIC. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with found. Oh, Aaron, look, the hair's in the shape of a backwards hat. I'm JPZ. Look, I'm JPZ. Whoa, I love it. I wish I had my hair back. Smells awful, though. Come on. Okay, well, let me just do my final measurements here. Seems everything seems even. Check the doors. Adel, Aaron? I have, using my skills as a woodworker, have crafted a well-built wardrobe. A magical one where you can go into a magical world? No, I tried it. It's just wood. But it's well-built. GPC, when we said every adult should have sort of a well-built wardrobe, we didn't mean like the actual frame, like an actual wooden wardrobe. We went like in a quince way, like, you know, like having a lot of adult, well-made. The quality clothing that lasts. Quality pieces that work together. They hold up over time. You know, that's what quince does best. We told you that. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing season. I have a raincoat from them that I love. I held you down sort of clockwork orange style and held open your eyes while I was I showed you that Quince's premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples feel easy to wear and they're easy to rely on, even as the weather shifts in Chicago. This is making sense now. Because I was like, you were talking about how Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman so you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. That's what you said. That's what you were doing with my eyes. And can I be honest with you? I did not build that well of a wardrobe. I mean, this thing is pretty loose. No. No, it's pretty loose. Hey, what? No. You can knock it over with a feather. Ooh, a nail just went right through my thumb. That's the best case scenario. They only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I love their home stuff. I love their clothes. I can always count on them for the best quality. So don't be like that absolute fool JPC. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Don't be foolish like JPC. Right now, go to Quince.com slash riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will. now available in canada too don't keep settling for clothes that don't last go to quince q u i n c e slash riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns quince slash riddle r quince quince quince my name is mr tumness please come with me I Cohen He came with the thing I found him on Fiverr Hey, JPC. Hey, Aaron. What's up, Al? Yeah, what's up? I was looking up at the night sky and seeing all these things shooting across the night sky, and I was wondering, what all is out there in the night sky? Well, stars. We're at war with the Palladians. What? UFOs. Wait, the Palladians? Are those some sort of aliens? And rockets! Which reminds me, this weekend, you guys, I realized that I had been spending so much money on a subscription that I forgot to cancel. I did the whole free trial thing, and then I forgot to cancel it, and I've been paying for it a couple months, but Rocket Money reminded me. Oh, thank goodness. Please tell me that you're using Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Oh, big time, big time. And growing your savings is more important now than ever, what with the upcoming war with the Palladians on our doorstep. Mm-hmm. Now, Palladians are paladin aliens, of course, and they come here wanting our, I want to say, oxygen. But with rocket money, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances, because you're going to want to save as much money as possible. So you and your family get to buy the spaceship parts. Plus the app consolidates your checking, you're saving your loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. So when you're spending money from the secret checking account that your wife doesn't know that you have to fight the Palladians, baby is for you, it's all for you, it's for the family. You can see that from your Rocketboard dashboard without getting overwhelmed that your wife is going to find out about your secret Palladian bank account that you're using to fight these guys. And if you're saving up to fight the good fight, you can do automated savings that grow towards your goals. You can adjust the amount and the frequency, a set it and forget it approach. So let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join rocketmoney.com slash riddle. That's rocketmoney.com slash riddle. Rocketmoney.com slash riddle. R-I-D-D-L-E. They look just like us. you say joyfully they look just like us I want to say oxygen Aaron and JPC if you could voice a Muppet what would you what would you want to have what would be the name what would be their sort of like shtick we talk about Muppets on this show so much. Santa and Muppets. Santa and Muppets come up so much. It's awesome. Why are we complaining? But besides the Muppet thing that I think we had to watch for Review Crew, I have not seen any Muppet property. I've never seen a Muppet movie. I've never watched the show. You watched The Great Muppet Caper, though? Is that what we did for Review Crew? Oh, we should. We watched the Muppet Show Moment Chance. No, we watched a movie. For Review Crew, we definitely watched like a... We watched Moment Chance. I know that much. But we also watched like a full length Muppet movie at one point. It was probably like early, early on. Muppets Take Manhattan, maybe? Must have been Muppet Caper. That's my favorite movie. And I would have probably done that for like a birthday or something. It was probably Muppet Caper if it was like an Aaron pick of something. But I definitely remember that because I was watching it and I had no connection to any of those. What I'll say is for something that I have, I think I've done a pretty good job rolling with the punches for as much as we talk about Muppets. Santa I'm familiar with I know who Santa is You know what this is us balancing the scales Adel and I like to have fun You have to pay the piper eventually for your crimes Against this podcast I at Sketchfest Very luckily Very miraculously got to meet Brian Henson Who really is my Hero And I was very nervous and I panicked And I said the only thing left on my bucket list is I want to talk to a Muppet and I want it to be not on camera. And he went, okay. And I went, I mean, I want it to happen organically like at an airport. And that was the interaction and it was awful. And I still love him forever. Don't say wolf, Casey. That's Rolf. That's Rolf saying wolf. I, that, you know what? He had an organic Aaron Keefe experience and I got to tell him how much I love the Muppets and how much they mean to me. So at the end of the day, we're all gonna be fine was there any did it feel like he thought you wanted him to like produce a Muppet out of his back pocket kind of thing? no I just was being honest I think he was just like who is this lunatic how much longer do I have to talk to her so I thought it would be like if I met Ray Park and I was like you know what would be so cool is if Darth Maul was here and then I kind of leaned in I'm like is third mom here meeting Ray Park and be like Misa I really want to talk to what happens when a toad gets hit by lightning same thing happens to anything else absolutely stellar 10 out of 2 great line lovely line I don't ever really stick to landing when meeting someone I really admire so this is an old hat for me. Erin I just looked up what Brian Henson looks like. And I can be, I can't tell you for sure that I've never met this person because if I have, I definitely didn't register it. I could, this is like a person I could talk to for like 20 minutes and then at the end of it, someone's like, hey, that guy was the adventurer of the Muppets or whatever he did. I actually don't know what he did. He's Jim Henson's son and he's been, he took over for him. And he took over for him and great job. Yes. Speaking of Muppets and great lines, 10 out of 10 lines, in top gun maverick tom cruise who's basically a muppet he's basically a muppet has a line that i think is pretty incredible which is um anytime he's about to like do something cool somebody will be like i don't like that look i don't like that look you're giving me and tom cruise goes it's the only one i got and i think that's i think that's pretty cool and i don't know of anybody else who's doing it at his age and raking in a billion dollars. I think the movie industry dies with him. I think this can apply here. JPC, why do you only play characters like Santa Claus or characters that have brain damage? Takes off my sunglasses, looks at Aaron, time cruises a Muppet. Nope, that's not what I wanted you to... I just fall out. Interesting. JPC tries to pick him up and kicks him into a sewer grate. well let's do some more riddles yes no oh what interesting no okay Aaron what do you want to do Aaron for the next half hour or more realistically 22 minutes or so we do whatever Aaron wants to do whatever my friend Aaron wants to do that's what we do I want to shave both your beards yikes and then I want to go to Hungry Hallie's the place he did a commercial for yeah i want hungry howie's with no beards and they're like you two out of here no hungry howie's for a couple of beardless saps that was my plan all along this is the last time you'll cross erin keith erin will you be 100 honest with me yeah no fooling around totally honest 100 honest for sure do you ever still go to hungry howie's and sort of expectantly give a look of like, just hoping. You must remember me, huh? Please, I don't want to take a picture because if I take a picture with you, I'm going to take a picture with everybody. Yeah, I do. I do do that. I actually have not been in a Hungry Howie's, but I have ordered from them since we did the commercial. They don't have them in LA, or do they have Hungry Howie's in LA? Oh, okay, never mind. They fully don't have them here in Chicago, right? I don't think so, no. They are in... They're like subs? Pizza? Yeah, it's pizza, mostly, I think. It's pizza, and it's national. It's just not in this city, I believe. Yeah, I think it's in eight different states. It's very random. I think they have them in Indiana, though, because I remember at Purdue ordering from them when I was visiting Purdue for a while. But I don't think they had them in Indianapolis. It doesn't matter. Hungry Howie's is one of those, like, I would say it's not like a top tier pizza chain. Oh, it's so good. No offense to you, Aaron. It's so good. It is actually incredible. Do you guys have any Happy Joes? No. No. Who's Happy Joe? Aaron, he's a man who loves pizza. Aw. When I went to high school in Keweeney, Illinois, we had a Happy Joes, and they had taco pizza, which was surprisingly fucking delicious. That sounds fun. You had a two-minute Mike's and a Happy Joe's? Two minutes? Two-minute Mike's was Neponset. Now, Neponset, of course, neighboring city, but that was a city of like 250 people. Keanuani was 13,000. I remember I was hanging out with friends for a birthday party, and they were like, let's order pizza. And we tried to order pizza from this place, and they were like, we're out of dough. And we're like, what? And so we decided to order Little Caesar's pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. It's been so long since I ate Little Caesars pizza. And there was like eight or nine people. We ordered a bunch of pizza and they were like, yeah, it's like $50. And we're like, what? We ordered 100 pizzas. It's only $50? Little Caesars rules. What the fuck? This place is awesome. And then we all ate the pizza. We were like, oh, yeah, this is why. This is why this was $50. Because it kind of tastes like a wet board. This fucking sucks because I've tried to block this out. I haven't eaten Little Caesars since the last time I had it. I ordered it for the Lost Finale, which must have been 2007. Yeah. And I got crazy bread with a side of marinara. I ate, let's call it six sticks of crazy bread or whatever. Yep. Dipped in the marinara. And then I dipped a seventh and something was amiss. There was something not welcome in the marinara. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I then just sort of tipped my fingers in and pulled out what can only be described as a hairball. It was a glob of human hair in ball form. Not a strand, not a thread, a ball of hair. They don't have cup? They don't have like sealed cup marinara? Was it just like a plastic lid? This was in a foam cup with a white lid. But it was like a big ramekin of marinara. Oh, bad, bad, bad. I scrimped a scream I scrapped a scream I screamed goodbye Tried to make myself throw up Couldn't do it All while telling my friends Please pause the finale of Lost Alright Aaron it's over And I haven't touched Little Caesar since It was the most disgusting fucking day of my life I tried recently It was Bojangles I had never had it What's Bojangles? The fast food restaurant Is it chicken? What is Bojangles? Yeah, it's like a chicken chain. Maybe the best fast food I've ever had in my life. What? As good as Culver's. Like, I loved it. I was on the East Coast with Riley's family for Christmas, and they're huge Bojangles fans. And I was like, why do they keep talking about this? Like, why is this a must-go? And now I understand. Have either of you ever been to Jollibee? No. That's the Korean? Or Filipino? I think it's Filipino. It's like chicken and spaghetti. People love it. People love it, but there is one in Illinois, and it's by the emission testing place where you have to go to get your car emission tested. And I was there one time, and I was getting my car emission tested, and I was like, I've never been to a Jollibee. I'll just go to the Jollibee. And I went to the drive-thru, and I looked at the menu, and I was like, there is truly nothing that I, a vegetarian, which is honestly, if I go to McDonald's, I can't eat anything there. But there was nothing for vegetarians to eat there. And I was like, they were like, what will it be? it's the only time really in my life I've ever done this because most places I just wouldn't go because I know what Burger King's menu is or whatever. So I sat there and I looked at the whole menu and then I was like, I'll ask and I was like, hey, do you have anything that vegetarians can eat at Jollibee? And the person was like we could give you the spaghetti without the sauce and I said, no! I don't want that. And so I just pulled out from the drive-thru and left. And I don't think I've I think it's the one time in my life I've ever just like pulled out of a drive-thru and left. Wow. But people love Jollibee, but it's like chicken and meat spaghetti and I can't eat any of that. I'm glad that you asked so you just didn't look like a crazy person that pulled up and then was like, eh. But it's also, it also kind of made me feel like, yeah, I'm just going to a fast food restaurant and being like, hey, does the chef have anything off menu that I could order? It's like a secret menu. What does the chef whip up with for someone with my dietary restriction? Just like surprise me. Like the opposite of animal style. Erin, I know you're a Wings fan. Have you ever had Bonchon? No. Bonchon is a... You're saying it real fun. Bonchon, B-O-N-C-H-O-N, is, I believe, a chain. I don't know where else they are, but there's one in the suburbs. And I've ordered it several times, and it's maybe my favorite Wings going. Exclusively a suburban Wing chain. Oh, cool. Bonchon. They do not allow them in city limits. honey I got a job at bonchon bonchon bonchon bonchon bonchon no no no bonchon no no no no bonchon you're working at bonchon no no no no bonchon bonchon let's do another riddle Erin we have to sorry Erin we have to yes or I can talk more about the hair I found in Little Caesar's Hair no no no no Jessica ah I didn't have I have time to throw my headphones off. Aaron, I think you just found your Muppet. I'm on John Muppet. I'm on John Muppet. If you say something gross, say three, two, one, so I have time to toss my headphones. Please, thank you. Thank you very much. Good night and good luck. George Clooney, and I'll see you later. Three, two, one, sex, shool. Aaron threw her headphones so hard. She hit her mic. Hit her mic. This is my golden opportunity. If you ever... Aaron said tell me when it's over. Hey, that's what she said. It's over, Aaron. It's Aaron. It's over. Aaron, please put your headphones back on. Aaron, it's over. Three, two, one, peanut butter panties. Don't fuck with me today, guys. I'm nauseous and I'm drinking Pedialyte because I just know I'm going to get the pukes today. So do not mess with me today, motherfuckers. I do want to see a scene. Adle, you and Erin are a couple. It's your anniversary. You're both at home together, and she just got an anniversary present, and it is a pair of peanut butter panties that she sent to you, and you're confused by this. Wait, what made you think of this? Don't worry about it. Oh, this is what Adle said? If you listen to the episode, you'll love it. Okay, great. Sorry, so she got me a pair of peanut butter panties. She got you some peanut butter panties, yeah. Whoa. Okay. Oh, it's covered in ants. Hold on. Let's just brush those off. Is that part of it? No, no. Let's just brush these off. Yeah. Your hands are covered in peanut butter now. Do you love them? The ants are spreading. Um, I love you. Yes. I know we talked about maybe trying that thing where you kind of like eat food off each other. And you mentioned something about whipped cream. Yes. And I think whipped cream is gross, but I love peanut butter. Yeah, I think I'm willing to try. It's just, I just feel stupid because I got you, I got you a- Wait, what's this? Let me open it. 2017 Jeep Cherokee, and you got me peanut butter panties. Yeah, but it's 2017. I think I misread the room. 2017. Do you grab these from, I mean, Spencer's is the only store I can think of. No, I had these handmade. These are two-year measurements. Okay. An artist did this. Okay. An artist did this. Give me a 2017 Jeep Cherokee, which is just only a little bit better than a 2016, huh? Yeah, I guess. And that was 10 years ago. Yeah, but it is the Eddie Bauer Jeep Cherokee. Let's call it. A relationship? Yeah. Well, hold on, hold on. Turn around. Let's give it one last hurrah. Turn around. Okay. What are you doing? We cut to the Jeep Grand Cherokee dealership. Yeah, we can't accept a return on this car. Looks like someone got a bunch of peanut butter all over the seat, the driver's seat. Hmm. Huh. Well, it saved a marriage. Tell you that much. Hey, I mean, that's what a Jeep Grand Cherokee is for. It's for saving marriages. Jeep Grand Cherokee. Do weird sex stuff in the back. We cut to a recording booth with Aaron's character. Okay, yeah. I think I got it. Well, yeah. We love what you're doing. I love it. It's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Whatever you're ready. Really, really enunciate. Because we heard- Jeep Grand here the keys Get into the car Okay we don hate Jeep Grand here the keys because that feels like something you would be excited about is get the keys Jeep brings kerosene Jeeps and kerosene. The only thing is if we say kerosene, I think people are going to get confused with what you have to fill a Jeep grand Cherokee. Don't say put kerosene in the car. I don't ruin the take. Crudy Tarantines. Crudy Tarantines. it just is and it seems put it on the car jeep jeep jeep looking at my monitor and the sales of jeep just plummeting sell my stock trish sell my stock trish sell my stock okay you know what yep why don't we do this since it's all great it's all the same brand let's just get you saying Dodge Durango. Jeep Durango. Okay, close enough. We can splice that. Jeep. She's doing the Nixon fingers. She's doing Nixon fingers. Yeah, can you say I am not a Jeep? Guaranteed. I am not a Jeep. Jeep Grand Cherokee. I can't do it. What a kid can be as a kid. A few of those are actually trying to say it, if you can believe it. Jeep Grand Cherokee. Jeep Grand Cherokee. Jeep Grand Cherokee. I got scared back there y'all 3, 2, 1 See what Erin would do The delay The delay of Erin knocking her headphones off Came so far after the empty space You left after 3, 2, 1 That There was no chance Of something gross being said I'm trying to think if I have any gross experiences lately that I can post Aaron out with? I don't think I have. Then don't. Then I don't think I have, Aaron. Then don't. I think I've led a very normal life. Great. Then don't. Great. Let's just be done then. Aaron, question for you. Since you brought it up, have you ever found peanut butter on you and you were not able to explain where it came from? No, that sounds like me, though. That sounds like something that would happen to me, so I can't get mad at you asking. Like a quarter-sized patch behind your ear or something? No, I do find food on me, but not peanut butter. Peanut butter is not really that much in my rotation. Oh, interesting. It's kind of only in my house. Sometimes I'll remember it. I'll go through a peanut butter and apples phase for like three months. But mostly it's here for Lou. What? Just last night, I was a nasty little dog. And I sliced up some apples. Wow. Got some smooth peanut butter. Dumped some chocolate chips in the peanut butter. You kissed your mother with that? Put some honey. No. Oh. Put some honey on the peanut butter and chocolate chips. Obviously stoned out of my mind. Obviously. And it was fucking delicious. That's amazing. That's an incredible stoned snack. Well done. I have been into lately overnight oats. I'm in my overnight. I'm sowing my wild overnight oats is how I like to call it. But I've been into an overnight oats phase where I like the night before I'll make some. But I put a ton of peanut butter in my overnight oats. I am. I'm a big fan of that peanut butter flavor in there. What? I don't know. I just I love peanut butter. Yeah. Is it soaks in during the night? Yeah. And it just it just like it makes the whole it makes all of your oatmeal taste like peanut butter, which is I just like that taste. So otherwise it tastes like oatmeal. And I'm like, because I don't want to put a bunch of like sweeteners in there, but I do want it to taste like something different. Then just eat something different. No, I like oats. I like the consistency. I like the texture of it. And I like that it's like, it's so quick. Like you make the breakfast the night before and then you just kind of dump it into your bowl and you're good to go. Like it's, you could eat it out of the jar too. I just, I don't prefer to do that. Now, are you such a oat aficionado that you can taste the difference between steel cut and plastic cut? Steel cut and old fashioned? Yes, because it's a texture thing for sure. I'd like to see a scene. Well, hold on here. This is important. People need to hear this. do not use steel cut to make overnight oats you absolutely must use old fashioned to make overnight oats what happens if you do steel cut it'll just be nasty they don't soak in as well I think you have to like steel cut needs to be like boiled or whatever right? is that the only food that they mention the metal that produced it? iron jalapenos I'd like to see a scene ruin my iron You guys are oats. JPC, you're steel-cut oats. Adel, you're old-fashioned. And JPC, you think you're kind of big for your britches because you're steel-cut. Oh, no, let me pull open the door for you. Call me old-fashioned. That's so funny. You know what I'm going to tell about that? Knife. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm friends with Knife. He cuts me. Oh, never met him? Oh, but you know him by reputation. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, knife cuts me. It's like no big deal. Like, we've just kind of been, I guess kind of as long as I can remember, like, we've been together and knife cutting me and, you know. That's like me and fondue pot. No, not really the same. No, no, no. Fondue pot, me, we go way back to the 50s. You're not fondue pot cooked oats. No offense. But you're not. Okay. And if you were, they'd be nasty. And you're not. Okay, just trying to make conversation. Oh, don't step in that puddle. Let me put down my jacket. No, it's okay. I'm steel cut. I can walk right over a puddle. It's totally... You know what? Why don't I hail the cab? Because I know that a lot of cabs don't stop for old-fashioned notes. They're really going to stop for steel cut. Takes one leg, sticks it out of my coat, puts it on the sidewalk. Interesting. Calling a cab. I'm more of a Merlot. Gets hit by a car. Boom! Holy shit! Well, there goes that leg. Aaron? Yes, Adam. May I present a riddle? Yeah, let me check. Do you have all of the paperwork filled out? Aaron, I noticed your stalling tactics. Oh, let's see. It's actually a Friday afternoon at four. We stopped processing this. We all kind of want to go home for the day. You'll understand. Maybe come back Monday. Three, two, one. Butt sauce. Big old butt sauce. The delay is getting longer and longer. And also, Erin can't just take the headphones off with her hands. She has to shake it off like a dog shakes off wind. I take it off with my hands. It's going to hit the microphone. Yeah. That's a full plan. All right. What's your riddle, Adel? I'd love to hear it. Speaking of kerosene and the group, group, group, group, group, group, group. What can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames? what can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames? Aaron? An argument. Not too far away. Oh, an argument is good. Like a slow simmering argument. Explosive diarrhea. 321. 321, Aaron. 321. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did it in reverse order. I did it backwards. You can come back. You can come back. I would say family dynamics so far has been the closest. Everything else has been a little bit colder. You said it explodes. Say it again. What can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames? And family dynamic. One of Elon Musk's rockets? Of the answers, this is the closest. No, those burn up pretty quick. Pretty quickly. Explodes slowly. I'm trying to think of, like, is the answer some sort of, like, chemical reaction that happens, like, really slowly like uh like a star exploding or something like that where it's just like it takes a billion years or whatever and don't write in is it i've got no idea how long it takes a star to explode it's like an interpersonal thing that isn't you can't hold it in your hands you're correcting that you can't hold it in your hands because it is it uh a gas or a like something that's not solid? Music. I guess it is solid. Is it a metaphor? Is this metaphorical? No. So it's something physical that explodes slowly. Well, it involves physical... physical... Is this sex? It involves physical work. Erin? No. We get this through sex. This explodes through sex. Guilt. shame shame shame STIs what can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames but Aaron it does require a whole boatload of sex three two one sex uh the miracle of life Aaron absolutely but over time what can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames A person. Yes, but... Someone's belly? Think of all the people. Think of all the people. Explodes. Oh, population. A population. Population. Exploding a pop... They do describe it as a population explosion. That is something that I've heard before. That is smart. I like that riddle. I do want to see a scene. I like that riddle. Four cookies. I do want to see a scene. Aaron, you were being intimate on a date with someone who exploded. JPC, you are a fireman who showed up to the scene. Mind if I smoke? No, yeah. I mean, please. Yeah. Are you okay? My whole job is just to make sure that you're fine. Am I okay? Am I okay? Yeah. This did wonders for my ego. I was having a bit of a dry spell. I was starting to think I didn't have it anymore. but to have him explode and explode. You could be charged for this. I'm just a fireman. I just want to lock me up. You seem pretty chipper. Take me away. Take me away. What are you doing later? No offense, lady, but you want to be like him? No. Hey, you are a beautiful woman, but I don't feel like dying tonight. Yeah, but what happens right before you die? You live. Anyways, I'm going to take off, but here's my number if you want to. Don't give me this. Come on. Don't give me this. You're going to be haunted by what you saw here today. You're going to be tempted to call me. And I think you should. I see. I'm a fireman. I see this pretty regularly. You see men exploding from good sex? Oh, yeah. And it's not always the people that you think. What do you mean? I mean, like, you know, you. You're a 10 out of 10 smoke show. It's, you know. But it's not always, you know, the perfect hens that explode the people with sex. I saw a guy. What? Just his arms explode from a handjob. One that he was giving? Well, yeah, I guess he was masturbating. I saw a guy masturbating. So hard. Let's hear a voicemail theme, Casey. And that can happen. And that can happen, Casey. It can? Hey, it's JPC from HeyRotoVirtle, and you're listening to The Normal Radio. I will drink a cup of my own piss. Serving a little bit of cunt. Sex with a cousin. Sex with a horse. This would be better if it was two times as fast in porn. Okay, slay mama. I'm not going to a local zoo to get my fucking rocks off. Okay, fuck me up, mama. Do not gut on me. Misplaced suck could kind of end me. I am so sick of this. Shit That just made me so nostalgic for you That music did a lot of heavy lifting Arian I think you called me out on it once before In a Gumshoes and Dragons recording But I do talk about that Five for Fighting song way too much We talk about it Like it comes up That's your Muppets Is that Five for Fighting song The one Five for Fighting song that I know Comes up a lot Well that was another one from Jade Cipher Happy Jade Cipher month on the podcast Thank you so much for submitting that. If you want to submit a voicemail song and it doesn't apparently have to do anything with our voicemail, you can just 30 seconds or less to HR podcast at gmail.com. Hey, glue crew. I'm just calling from the water factory doing the overnight shift. Getting a little sleepy here. How do y'all stay awake when you need to, but your body don't. and coffee don't work no more. Thanks in advance. Bye. Did you say the water factory? That's what it sounded like. Now, here's the thing. I used to work at the Chicago Water Plant, but I never heard it referred to as a water factory. When people use the word factory, it makes me think it's like slang. Like, yeah, I work at the old, like, you know, computer factory, you know, And it's like, it means you have like a, you know, computer job, right? Like factory feels like an informal way to say the thing that you, but. But if it's literal, I think of like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, like assembly line, like, do, do, do, do, like stamping, stamping, stamping. I mean, if you think about it, like those Aquafina bottles got to come from somewhere. This person maybe just works at the water factory. Please call back and answer our questions. This is a mystery I need solved. What do you mean water factory? And if possible, I would love some Water Factory swag. Just wear a hat that says Water Factory on it. What do you guys do? Do you guys have tricks to stay up when you need to? They said when caffeine don't work, I got to tell you, coffee works for me. But if I had to do something without coffee, I don't know what I would do. I know a lot of people chew that like alert gum, like nicotine gum to make your brain sharp. when caffeine doesn't work anymore, drinking a ton of water, electrolytes, little piece of candy in your pocket. You can't sleep if you have to pee. That's science. Find out someone's cheating on you. Every time I've found that out, I'm wired. Yeah. Every time. Erin, I'm so sorry. Oh. You have to do something to get your adrenaline up. So if you're falling asleep but you need to stay awake, pick a fight with someone way bigger than you. Yeah, adrenaline. Watch only Ross scenes from Friends. Because he has so much energy. Right? In all his scenes, he's practically screaming in every scene he's in. Yeah, the Ross edit. I think we just gave a lot of really good advice. Yeah. Yeah. We see in the news in a couple of weeks, Water Factory shuts down because a water inspector falls asleep. He was on a break. well thank you so much for the voicemail you can always send us a voicemail at deepgaphebakee.com it's like something something riddle one it's in the episode description deepgaphebakee.com plugs anything to plug everybody what do we got I got nothing water I got a review to read this one comes from Zarka like circa Zarka maybe it says I love this podcast oh boy Okay, here we go. Here we go. Yeah, five stars. Here we go. They've got Allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mounts, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, junior cable, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoon and ladle. pesticides and fumigation high performance lubrication metal roofing waterproofing multi-purpose insulation air compressors brass connectors wrecking chisels smoke detectors tire gauges hamster cages thermostats and bug deflectors trailer hitch demagnetizers automatic circumcisers tennis rackets angle brackets dura cells and energizers soffit panels circuit breakers vacuum cleaners coffee makers calculators generators matching salt and pepper shakers sorry jpc love the show keep it up is that from something is that from weird owl i don't know hardware store. It's awesome. It's very impressive. If you want JPC to do something like that, read a, leave a five-star review. He'll read anything apparently. Yeah. And if you want to do something or something. Hot dogs. Hot dogs. You don't even let me say it. I wanted to say it. Hot dogs. No, stop it. Hot dogs. Hot dogs. Hot dogs. Hot dogs. Created by Apple for five. Starring Aaron Chief. and John Patrick Collins. Casey Toney did the editing. And Marty Parrott did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Nabouros. Hey there, Philbins and Reguses. If you liked that, you're going to love this week's Patreon. We play a game that's kind of not really who wants to be a millionaire. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or start your 7-day free trial or the Review Crew for $8 a month. Plus, you get those ad-free episodes. See you there. That was a Hate Gum podcast.