POE: Hop Frog (1849)

Hi, I'm Ashley Flowers, creator and host of the number one true crime podcast, Crime Junkie. Every Monday, me and my best friend Britt break down a new case, but not in the way you've heard before, and not the cases you've heard before. You'll hear stories on Crime Junkie that haven't been told anywhere else. I'll tell you what you can do to help victims and their families get justice. Join us for new episodes of Crime Junkie every Monday, already waiting for you by searching for Crime Junkie wherever you listen to podcasts. Poe is a 2021 audio chuck original made for our friends at SiriusXM. We hope you enjoy this exclusive content, re-released for free on Full Body Chills. And for the best experience, we kindly recommend you listen with headphones. A little jest can lift a heavy soul, and even light the room. But what is a joke without an audience? What is a king without a court? Untamed, mad, wild like a beast? A crown of cap and bells befalls the one who sells their carefulness for crass. No one is immune to sin, not even sovereign kin, and a ruler who gluts on glee will despairingly leave his party in ash-filled anguish. In this story, even the most downtrodden fool holds a candle to their king whose mockery of monarchy begs to be disposed. And there to ascend is Hopfrog. Hopfrog or the Eight Chained Urangutangs by Edgar Allan Poe. First published in 1849. I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed to live only for joking, to tell a good story of the joke kind, and to tell it well was the surest row to his favour. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers. They all took after the king too in being large, corpulent, oily men, as well as inimitable jokers. Whether people grow fat by joking, or whether there is something in fat itself which predisposes to a joke, I have never been quite able to determine. But certain it is that a lean joker is a rarer avis in terrace. About the refinements, or as he called them, the ghost of wit. The king troubled himself very little. He had a special admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with length for the sake of it. Over niceties wearied him. On the whole, practical jokes suited his taste far better than verbal ones. At the date of my narrative, professing jesters had not altogether gone out of fashion at court. Several of the great continental powers still retain their fools, who wore motley with caps and bells, and who were expected to be always ready with sharp witticisms at a moment's notice, in consideration of the crumbs that fell from the royal table. Our king, as a matter of course, retained his fool. The fact is, he required something in the way of folly, if only to counterbalance the heavy wisdom of the seven wise men who were his ministers, not to mention himself. His fool, or professional, jester, was not only a fool, however. His value was traveled in the eyes of the king by the fact of his being also a dwarf and a cripple. Dwarfs were as common in court in those days as fools, and many monarchs would have found it difficult to get through their days. Jester's days are rather longer in court than elsewhere, without both a jester to laugh with and a dwarf to laugh at. But as I have already observed, your jesters, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, are fat, round, and unwieldy, so that it was no small source of self-congratulation that our king had in Hopfrog, this was the fool's name, he possessed a triplicate treasure in one person. I believe the name Hopfrog was not that given to the dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him by general consent of the several ministers, on account of his inability to walk as other men do. In fact, Hopfrog could only get along by a sort of interjectional gait, something between a leap and a wriggle, a movement that afforded illimitable amusement, and of course consolation to the king for notwithstanding the protuberance of his stomach and a constitutional swelling of the head, the king, by his whole court, was accounted a capital figure. But although Hopfrog, through the distortion of his legs, could move only with great pain and difficulty, along a road or floor, the prodigious muscular power, which nature seemed to have bestowed upon his arms by way of compensation for deficiency in the lower limbs, enabled him to perform many feats of wonderful dexterity, where trees or ropes were in question, or anything else to climb. At such exercises he certainly much more resembled a squirrel, or a small monkey, than a frog. I am not able to say with precision from what country Hopfrog originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no person had ever heard of, a vast distance from the court of our king. Hopfrog, and a young girl, very little less dwarfish than himself, although of exquisite proportions and a marvellous answer, had been forcibly carried off from their respective homes in adjoining provinces and sent as presents to the king by one of his ever-victorious generals. Under these circumstances it is not to be wondered at that a close intimacy arose between the two little captors. Indeed they soon became sworn friends. Hopfrog, who, although he made a great deal of sport, was by no means popular, had it not in his power to render trapezius many services. But she, on account of her grace and exquisite beauty, although dwarf, was universally admired and petted. So she possessed much influence, and never failed to use it whenever she could, for the benefit of Hopfrog. On some grand estate occasion, I forget what, the king determined to have a masquerade, and never a masquerade or anything of that kind occurred at our court, then the talents both of Hopfrog and Trapeza were sure to be called into play. Hopfrog, in the special, was so inventive in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters and arranging costumes for masked balls that nothing could be done at scenes without his assistance. Tonight appointed for the fat had arrived. A gorgeous hall had been fitted up under Trapeza's eye, with every kind of device which would possibly give a clah to a masquerade. The whole court was in a fever of expectation. As for costumes and characters, it might well be assumed that everybody had come to a decision on such points. Many had made up their minds as to what roles they should assume, a week or even a month in advance, and in fact there was not a particle of indecision anywhere, except in the case of the king and his seven ministers. Why they hesitated I could never tell, unless they did it by way of a joke. More probably they found it difficult, on account of being so fat, to make up their minds. At all events time flew, and as the last resort they sent for Trapeza and Hopfrog. When the two little friends obeyed the summons of the king, they found him sitting at his wine with the seven members of his cabinet council. But the monarch appeared to be in a very ill humour. He knew that Hopfrog was not fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness, and madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes and took pleasure in forcing Hopfrog to drink, and as the king called it, to be merry. Come here, Hopfrog, said he as the jester and his friend entered the room, swallow this bumper to the health of your absent friends. Here Hopfrog sighed, and then let us have the benefit of your invention. We want characters, characters man, something novel, out of the way. We are weary with this everlasting sameness. Come, drink, the wine will brighten your wits. Hopfrog endeavored as usual to get up a jest and reply to these advances from the king, but the effort was too much. It happened to be the poor dwarf's birthday, and the command to drink to his absent friends forced the tears to his eyes. Many large, bitter drops fell into the goblet as he took it, humbly, from the hand of the tyrant. Hahahaha! roared the latter as the dwarf reluctantly drained the beaker. See what a glass of good wine can do, while your eyes are shining already! Poor fellow, his large eyes gleamed rather than shone. For the effect of the wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table and looked around upon the company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's joke. And now, the business said the prime minister, a very fat man. Yes, said the king. Come, lend us your assistance. Characters, my fine fellow, we stand in need of characters, all of us. Hahahaha! And as this was seriously meant for a joke, his laugh was chorused by the seven. Popfrog also laughed, though feebly and somewhat vacantly. Come, come, said the king impatiently. Vav you nothing to suggest? I am endeavouring to think of something novel, replied the dwarf abstractedly, for he was quite bewildered by the wine. Endeavouring, cried the tyrant fiercely, what do you mean by that? I perceive you are sulky and want more wine. Here, drink this. And he poured out another goblet full and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath. Drink, I say, shouted the monster, all by the fiends. The dwarf hesitated. The king grew purple with rage. The courtiers smirked, trepeter. Pale as a corpse, advanced to the monarch's seat and falling on her knees before him implored him to spare her friend. The tyrant regarded her for some moments in evident wonder at her audacity. He seemed quite at a loss what to do or say, how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, without uttering a syllable, he pushed her violently from him and threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face. The poor girl got up as best she could and, not daring even to sigh, resumed her position at the foot of the table. There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling of a leaf or of a feather might have been heard. It was interrupted by a low but harsh and protracted grating sound, which seemed to come at once from every corner of the room. What, what, what are you making that noise for? demanded the king, turning furiously to the dwarf. The latter seemed to have recovered in great measure from his intoxication and, looking fixedly but quietly into the tyrant's face, merely ejaculated, Oi, oi, how could it have been me? The sound appeared to come from without, observed one of the courtiers. I fancy it was the parrot at the window, wetting his bill upon his cage-wires. Drew, replied the monarch, as if much relieved by the suggestion, But on the honour of a night I could have sworn that it was the gritting of this vagabond's teeth. Hereupon the dwarf laughed. The king was too confirmed a joker to object to anyone's laughing, and displayed a set of large, powerful, and very repulsive teeth. Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified, and having drained another bumper with no very perceptible ill-effect, Popfrog entered at once, and with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade. I cannot tell what was the association of idea, observed he very tranquilly, as if he had never tasted wine in his life. But just after, your majesty had struck the girl and thrown the wine in her face, Just after your majesty had done this, and while the parrot was making that odd noise outside the window, there came into my mind a capital diversion. One of my own country frolics often enacted among us at our masquerades, but here it will be new altogether. Unfortunately, however, it requires a company of eight persons, Here we are, cried the king, laughing at his acute discovery of the coincidence, Eight to a fraction, ironed by seven ministers. Come, what is the diversion? We call it, replied the cripple, the eight chained orangutans, and it really is excellent sport, if well enacted. We will enact it, remarked the king, drawing himself up and lowering his eyelids. The beauty of the game, continued Popfrog, lies in the fright it occasions among the women. Capital, roared in chorus the monarch and his ministry. I will equip you as orangutans, preceded the dwarf. Leave all that to me. The resemblance shall be so striking, that the company of masquerades will take you for real beasts, and, of course, they will be as much terrified as astonished. Oh, this is exquisite, exclaimed the king. Popfrog, I will make a man of you. The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped en masse from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced at a masquerade by eight chained orangutans, imagined to be real ones by most of the company, and rushing in with savage cries among the crowd of delicately and gorgeously habited men and women, the contrast is inimitable. It must be, said the king, and the council arose horribly as it was growing late, to put in execution the scheme of Popfrog. His mode of equipping the party as orangutans was very simple but effective enough for his purposes. The animals in question had, at the epoch of my story, very rarely been seen in any part of the civilized world, and as the imitations made by the dwarf were sufficiently beast-like and more than sufficiently hideous, their truthfulness to nature was thus thought to be secured. The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinette shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. At this stage in the process, someone of the party suggested feathers, but the suggestion was at once overruled by the dwarf, who soon convinced the eight by ocular demonstration that the hair of such a brute as the orangutan was much more efficiently represented by flags. A thick coating of the latter was accordingly plastered upon the coating of tar. A long chain was now procured. First it was passed about the waist of the king and tied, then about another of the party and also tied, then about all successively in the same manner. When this chaining arrangement was complete and the party stood as far apart from each other as possible, they formed a circle, and to make all things appear natural, Hopfrog passed the residue of the chain in two diameters at right angles across the circle, after the fashion adopted at the present day by those who capture chimpanzees or other large apes in Borneo. The grand saloon in which the masquerade was to take place was a circular room, very lofty, and receiving the light of the sun only through a single window at top. At night, the season for which the apartment was specially designed, it was illuminated principally by a large chandelier, depending by a chain from a center of the skylight, and lowered or elevated by means of a counterbalance as usual. But in order not to look unsightly, this latter passed outside the cupula and over the roof. The arrangements of the room had been left to Trepetta's superintendents, but in some particulars it seems she had been guided by calmer judgment of her friend the dwarf. At his suggestion, it was that on this occasion, the chandelier was removed. Its wax and drippings, which in weather so warm it was quite impossible to prevent, would have been seriously detrimental to the rich dresses of the guests, who, on account of the crowded state of the saloon, could not all be expected to keep from out its center, that is to say from under the chandelier. Additional sconces were set in various parts of the hall, out of the way, and a flambeau emitting sweet odour was placed in the right hand of each of the karyatides that stood against the wall, some fifty or sixty altogether. The eight orangutans, taking hotfrogs advice, waited patiently until midnight, when the room was thoroughly filled with masqueraders before making their appearance. And no sooner had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed or rather rolled in altogether, for the impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall and all to stumble as they entered. The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious and filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious looking creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not precisely orangutans. Many of the women swooned with a fright, and had not the king taken the precaution to exclude all weapons from the saloon, his party might soon have expiated their frolic in their blood. As it was, a general rush was made for the doors, but the king had ordered them to be locked immediately upon his entrance, and at the dwarf's suggestion the keys had been deposited with him. While the tumult was at its height, and each masquerader attentive only to his own safety, for in fact there was much real danger from the pressure of the excited crowd, the chain by which the chandelier ordinarily hung, and which had been drawn up on its removal, might have been seen very gradually to descend, until its hooked extremity came within three feet of the floor. Soon after this, the king and his seven friends, having reeled about the hall in all directions, found themselves at length in its center, and of course in immediate contact with the chain. While they were thus situated, the dwarf, who had followed noiselessly at their heels, inciting them to keep up the commotion, took hold of their own chain at the intersection of the two portions which crossed the circle diametrically and at right angles. Here, with the rapidity of thought, he inserted the hook from which the chandelier had been want to depend, and in an instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier chain was drawn so far upward as to take the hook out of reach, and as an inevitable consequence, to drag the orangutans together in close connection and face to face. The masqueraders, by this time, had recovered in some measure from their alarm, and beginning to regard the whole matter as a well-contrived pleasantry, set up a loud shout of laughter at the predicament of the apes. Leave them to me! Now screamed Hotfrog, his shrill voice, making itself easily heard through all the din. Leave them to me, I fancy I know them. If I can only get a good look at them, I can soon tell who they are. Here, scrambling over the heads of the crowd, he managed to get to the wall. When, seizing a flambeau from one of the karyatides, he returned as he went to the center of the room, leaping with the agility of a monkey upon the king's head, and thence, clambered a few feet off the chain, holding down the torch to examine the group of orangutans, and still screaming, I shall soon find out who they are. And now, while the whole assembly the apes included, were convulsed with laughter, the jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle. When the chain flew violently up for about thirty feet, dragging with it the dismayed and struggling orangutans, and leaving them suspended in mid-air between the skylight and the floor. Hotfrog, clinging to the chain as it rose, still maintained his relative position in respect to the eight maskers, and still, as if nothing were the matter, continued to thrust his torch down toward them as though endeavoring to discover who they were. So thoroughly astonished was the whole company at this ascent. There's a dead silence of about a minute's duration ensued. It was broken by just such a low, harsh, grating sound as had before attracted the attention of the king and his counselors, when the former threw the wine in the face of tropeta. But on the present occasion, there could be no question as to whence the sound issued. It came from the fang-like teeth of the dwarf, who ground them and gnashed them as he phoned at the mouth and glared with an expression of maniacal rage into the upturned countenances of the king and his seven companions. Aha! said at length the infuriated jester. Aha! I begin to see who these people are now. Here, pretending to scrutinize the king more closely, he held the flambeau to the flaxen coat which enveloped him and which instantly burst into a sheet of vivid flame. In less than half a minute, the whole eight orangutans were blazing fiercely amid the shweeks of the multitude who gazed at them from below, horror-stricken, and without the power to render them the slightest assistance. At length, the flames, suddenly increasing in virulence, forced the jester to climb higher up the chain to be out of their reach. And as he made his movement, the crowd again sank for a brief instant into silence. The dwarf seized his opportunity and once more spoke. I now see distinctly, he said, what manner of people these masqueras are. They are a great king and his seven privy counsellors, a king who does not scruple to strike a defenseless girl and his seven counsellors who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply hopfrog the jester. And this is my last jest. Owing to the high combustibility of both the flax and the tar to which it adhered, the dwarf had scarcely made an end of his brief speech before the work of vengeance was complete. The eight corpses swung in their chains, a fetid, blackened, hideous, and indistinguishable mass. The cripple hurled his torch at them, clambered leisurely to the ceiling, and disappeared through the skylight. It is the pose that Trapetta, stationed on the roof of the saloon, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that, together, they affected their escape to their own country, for neither was seen again. Poe is an audio chuck original. This episode was read to you by Jake Weber. So, what do you think, Chuck? Do you approve? Awww. Step into light-filled living at the express bifolding doors Milton Keynes showroom, and experience products that seamlessly connect your home's interior and exterior. From bifolding and sliding doors to windows, entrance doors and glass roofs, all built and installed by Express. Whether renovating, extending, or building new, see the quality for yourself at our stunning showroom, or visit expressbifolds.co.uk. 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