#736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Whee! Brian Red Band! Hey! And that is the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise. Fernando Castillo Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar back here, sunglass stuff like a real rock star, and uh, Jondi's sunglasses, because he naps during the show, secretly napping during the show. And there's D-Madness, also sunglasses, ladies and gentlemen, but he stays awake the entire time, just in case, just in case that vision comes back for a sweet, sweet second. He doesn't want to miss it. He does not sleep. He stays awake, eyes open. How do we feel, everybody? We in a good mood tonight? Very, very exciting stuff happening. This is Kill Tony, the number one comedy, live post, post something in the world. We're almost everything. We're number one in a lot of different categories. Now, brought to you by Nick and Prize Picks tonight. How exciting. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Try it now. Her balls. Lessons. Service repair to smoothness, nourishment with a regimen use versus non-conditioning shampoo. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Huh? Oh, that's a fly. That fucking fly outta here. It's the CNN fly. They have little drones. They bring them to Joe Rogan's club and try to get fucking... I'm gonna kill this thing before we do this. I'm gonna kill this fucking thing. Come on. Where is it? Come on. There we go. Okay, here we go. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode, huh? Here we go. Every single week. I purposefully book two. Sometimes one. Sometimes three. But I have fun matching up the chemistry. I envision how would these two work together. Every single week. I put a lot of thought into this. This one is a special one. of the guests of the year, front runners right now for 2025. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the greats. James McCann and Dave Landau. Oh yeah. James Donald Forbes. McCann is back and his new special, Black Israelite is on YouTube. Dave Landau's a new book, Party of One. Out now on Amazon, welcome back gentlemen. James McCann, one of the most used guests in 2025. What a joy it is to be here once again. At this beautiful club with these beautiful people. Dave, hello, hey. Hello. Wow. James is the man we love you, Black Israelite, out now on YouTube, his new company special. Unless it's been taken down by now, but at the moment it's out and it's called that. I love it. I love it. James is one of those monsters coming up. I love it. You're truly one of the funniest people around. You guys will see when you watch his new special. Dave Landau, welcome back buddy. How are you? Make some noise for Dave. I'm doing good man. Hey, how are you? Fresh off a big weekend, books out. We're gonna have fun. Brought to you by NicktonPricePix. Now you guys have both done this show before, so you know, but maybe, just maybe, someone brought their significant other that while they're watching the show every week, maybe they're out doing the dishes perhaps, or vacuuming the floors, or folding the laundry, and you don't know what your loved one is listening to. Well, let me tell you, while you're out there working on your secret only fans page. The show's about comedy. Ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds. If I pulled them out of this bucket, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They could be the next big standup comedy superstar. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a bear. That is the West Hollywood bear. Interrupts them. Comes after the cat. We've been doing this 12 and a half years. So I've painted up, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking trippin' today. This coffee's bangin'. Six shots. All right, while we wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner that's gonna do a minute for you ladies and gentlemen. He is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everyone. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Okay, thank you. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] I need a paralegal, a paralegal titties to suck on. Should have saved that for the end. My check engine light's been on for a few months and I feel like the check engine light has very feminine energy, you know? It's like something's wrong. What's wrong? Well, if you cared, you would already know. My girlfriend thinks the Godfather is too long but her story about when her coworker was bitchy two years ago is the perfect length. Okay, thank you. Colin Sledge, very funny. You've done it again. One of the very few non-handicapped golden ticket winners that come in and really fucking set it off every time. How do you feel, Colin? I feel pretty good. How's life been going for you here in Austin, Texas? It's good, and awesome. I haven't quite moved here yet. Oh, you're still up in Houston? Yeah, we're looking at places tomorrow. Who's we? Me and my girlfriend. Okay, yeah. All right, what does she do again? She takes care of me. Yeah, she does comedy. Oh, okay. Did she start after you? She started sort of like four or five years ago. When did you start? Well, I started, I did two years in college and then I took eight years off. So she started before and after me. James McCann. Do you find this is difficult on the relationship that she was the big star and now you're here doing this and you're worried that in a Lady Gaga Bradley Cooper situation you'll return home one day and because that can be tricky on a relationship. Yeah, somewhat. I'm not sure I understand the question. Is she threatened by your enormous success? There might be some degree of resentment. Does it ever come up? Yes. Can you tell us what that's like? She accused me of using the shoots and ladders. What does that mean? It means I took the ladder up or something. Can you explain that better? So, you know, the game shoots and ladders. Do you use this as an analogy a lot? It's her analogy. Oh, she said this. Wow, no wonder she's not as famous as you. Shoots and ladders from childhood. Milton Bradley 80s board game. Please don't get me in trouble. Oh, shit. Mike Four's not on. Try it again. So you really are a pedophile. No, take his mic away. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Son of a bitch. Biggest comedy show in the world. We just have mics that don't work up here. Unbelievable. We went to New York. You met her. My girlfriend. What? You met my girlfriend in New York. Okay. Thanks for having us. That was fun. Okay. I don't know if I really had you. What are you? Your girlfriend wasn't the little boy who was cut from broadcast. No. Okay, good. Just because he said you were a pedophile and I wondered what that was in reference to. Yeah. Yeah, Finn again. There are some highly things about you. Why do you still have sunglasses on your shirt right now? My shirt touching my neck bothers me. So I wear sunglasses to pull it down. God, you're creepy as fuck. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Very funny, but annoyingly creepy. The feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt. Yeah, well, I don't really feel a sun because it's just right here in the father's room. This isn't what I wanted to talk about. What do you want to talk about? Segway in something that you want to talk about. New York is fine. I went to Brooklyn. Fucking hive of flies around here, guys. Something happening. Someone pranking the show. Did someone bring fucking frozen flies and then thawed them out? Like ants? You ever make an ant farm before? You just throw them in the fridge. Those motherfuckers chill out. Oh, I went to the Kill Tony Band Show in New York. Okay. That was actually, I was high off in Edible. It was so fucking good. Hell yeah. Everybody had a blast. I heard all about it. Blue note, packed up. See, just hand her. Gets a bag on you. No, there was this Swedish lady and she was like playing these old bagpipes and I had taken Edible so I was like freaking out. It was really fun. Great. When you say you were freaking out, what does that mean to you? I don't understand jazz music. And I usually don't enjoy it either. But it was a really good show. Okay, I thought that was a big setup coming there for her. I went to museums. I went to where Luigi shot that guy. I took a train to a train museum. All right, that's enough. That's just where it's getting good. Heck, it was the train museum. I went to a train museum in Sacramento last month. It was sick. Some people are good at the set, good at the interview. Some people are bad at the set, great at the interview. You are one of the best. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. I'm a big fan of the show. Great at the interview. You are one of those great at the set. And then just, you just, it's like talking to a giant five year old. I took a train to the train museum. It was nice. Thanks for having us. I went to the sex museum. Why don't you say something funny about it? It made me never want to have sex again. Why? Because it was gross. It was weird. I did a Ford, like a 4D thing where like the chairs are rocking and it sprayed water in my face. It was really upsetting. Was it like a squirt? Like what was the reason for the water? It was like, I don't really understand. It was like, you go into like, I think you go into a pussy and it sprays water in your face. There it is. That's how it goes. Should I have opened with that? No, no, you're doing fine Colin. It's all good, buddy. Okay. It's my birthday. Bye, okay. Wow, all right. One more ultra lame thing to say. Okay. Super crazy. All right, there he goes. Colin Sligge, everyone. All right, goodbye. All right, goodbye. All right, goodbye. All right, goodbye. All right, goodbye. All right, goodbye. Oh Lord. These slow moving flies. Oh. These flies are out of control, guys. We need to make sure this doesn't happen again. I'm sure there's ways around it. We have 12 fucking production assistants. All of them just watching flies all day, I'm sure. Just like, well, that'll be fun. Maybe it'll add an exciting element to the show. Joe Robbins Fly Museum. All right. I mean, what can I say, ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the wildest bucket pools she just happened a couple weeks ago. She's back. She is back. Make some noise for Juanita, everybody. Yeah. Kill Tony. Do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health? Make some noise, yeah? Yeah. That sucks. I don't. Just a perfectly normal 37 year old overweight transgender comedy prodigy. Kill in the game. I am, now a friend of the show and my 400 pound friend, Sally Contreras, she struggles with her mental health and she can fight it in me one day. She said, I'm talking myself into this word because I'm not feeling well. And I told her, that is good because you're taking action. She goes, people keep telling me that, but what I wanna do is walk my ass on oncoming traffic. I told her, girl, don't you dare say that and don't you dare do that. You're just gonna fuck up somebody's car. 400 pounds. I'm a good friend, though. I gave her advice and said, you should walk in front of a train. It's more efficient. Okay, Juanita. Hell yeah. How do you feel about that Juanita? I feel great. Hell yeah. I find it odd that you called out your friend by name on a huge show. And then talked about how they were suicidal. It's kinda crazy today. You noticed that you did that at all? No, I did. We've talked about talking about it on the show. So you kinda like plugged her just then. It's like talking about how she wanted to kill herself on the biggest show in the industry. Do you think about these things? Have you become a woman that much? To where you've become that selfish? Yeah. The latter. No, no, but we did talk about it. That was actually a conversation that we had. So it was planned. No, it happened a long time ago, but this is the first time I was able to do it as a bit. All right, I like how your voice gets deeper. The deeper in the sentences you go, no, we talked about it, but it's really what we wanted to do. There's a point where you get tired of having to keep up the act a little bit. We all see it. It's about seven seconds into a sentence. She just starts looking. Get in the way. Yeah, no, I mean, like, it was really cool because like that's what we're into, you know what I mean? Come on, now, say my name three taps, let's go. All right. Want me to remind us, how do you make money? Oh, we're good as waitress at a restaurant right now. Waitress? Where you at, tuckies? All right. Doesn't even make sense. That's a gas station. Instead of buckies, tuckies, anybody? Fresos. Tucky cheese. Tucky cheese even? Red band? Tucky cheese? Tucky dick cheese. Now we're gonna restaurant called Fresos. Fresos, oh yes, absolutely, absolutely. Juanita, what do you do for fun? What do we not know about you? You've been on the show a couple of times. You're very lucky with getting pulled out of the bucket. It's been crazy, I actually was like thinking about like, I didn't ever mention, my family doesn't know that I'm trans, just my two sisters. Really? Yeah. Who would be most shocked to know that you're trans? Oh, probably my mom. Right, I love it when you get serious. Probably my mom. Is it bad that I'm making fun of you for that? You're good with this, right? No, I know. You have a great sense of humor Juanita, I love it. Can your family see you? It's a good question. No, I have to like, like dress down, like I'm like, we're hot or something, we're like a button down. Do you have some? Yeah, go ahead Dave. I'm almost to the point, but honestly, like you're male to female? Yes. No, I don't. Quarter T-Rex maybe? No, why Juanita? Oh, that's just a stage name, like your real name is like, Juana. Oh, that's your, okay, so what nationality are you? Pardon? What nationality? Oh, I'm Mexican. Oh, okay, okay, I just was curious. Okay. There's a lot going on south of her border. I see what you're saying. He's illegal? No, I'm kidding, I'm sure it's not. Not for long in Texas. It's amazing that your family doesn't know. How often do you see your mom? What do you do? Maybe like once a year, like Christmas. And what do you do? You just Juan up for that? Yeah. Just go straight Juan. Yeah, literally. Put on a baseball cap, fucking. Would your mom want you out of the family? She might, I don't know. James, I'm not sure. She might, I don't know. James. Which is as a, I assume you started to trans later. But you're Mexican, so did you, you didn't have a quinceanera? No, I didn't. So you're a girl? Oh yeah, you're right. You're not a woman yet. You're not a woman yet. Explain to the 96% of people listening, they don't know what you're... When a Mexican girl turns 15, the community decides that she's now sexually available. And they put her in a very low-cut, busty gown. And they go to a park and they clog it up for like hours. I didn't know about this before I came to this country, but... Did the last comic tell you about that? No. I like that you mentioned trains as well though, that's great. Yeah. Would you have a quinceanera? I mean, if you helped me throw it, James. No. I'd be fine. But I was interested. I mean, like, would you show up? Would you make an appearance? Would you make an appearance, James? Would you make an appearance? Where is she? Tell us, James, where you go to the park. Do you want to go to the park? You've fallen into the woman, but I was born. Go to the park and you'll find under second base on the third little league field a note. Read that note and it will tell you what to do next. You don't go to... If you don't solve the riddle, I'm going to butt-fuck you, James. Sincerely, Juanita. He's right. I don't know what to do. He's right. Wow, Juanita. You ever get bullied in real life or anything? Like out on the streets, any of these wild crackheads ever talk shit or flirt with you? What goes on? One of them called me a f*** it. I was walking by and was like... I apologize for that. Apology accepted. I know. I was like, oh man, can I say the N word? That was a block. Oh, yeah. He called me a f***. Let me tell you, just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time, I found out you still can't. It's absurd. You can if he's sucking your dick. Juanita, how's the sex life been lately? Whiskey hole or has it been all moistened up? Oh, um... I live with this comic. He's like a 6'2", jujitsu guy. Alright, don't say his name or his f*** address or anything, Juanita. No, but, uh... It used to be that I'd go and hang out at the bar by myself, and then somebody'd always approach me. But now I'm always with him, so I'm going through a dry spell. Everyone, I think, they just... You're going through a dry spell? Huh? I'm going through a dry spell. Do you realize you do that, though? Like, you literally have a meltdown. I'm going through a sentence. It's when you say words that aren't feminine, when you're like, it's very dry. I feel like that's very feminine. It's kind of no hard. Oh, okay. Yeah. Juanita, we love you. You've been on the show many times. You did it again. Another minute. There you go. Another interview, another Juanita. There they go. Oh, my God. Thank God, almighty. No cock and balls there, boys. Oh, you have a bug zapper. And we handed it to the... least likely person to, uh, effectively handle that without knocking over anything or hitting anyone. It's a perfect. How exciting. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Pat O'Neill, everyone. Pat O'Neill. Folks, been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing. No reaction. Generation soft is a big reason why. Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American. I was like, no shit. His name's Tiger Woods. Dad's name Bear Forest. Uh, go to watch what you say now, though. Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f*** anymore. So now I just ignore my little brother. To be on the right side of history. And you shouldn't call them midgets anymore, either. No. They prefer the term Mexican women. Uh... Oh, yes, midgets. The original pocket pussies. Or his pedophiles call them close enough, you know what I mean? Not saying that. Pat O'Neill, you did it, buddy. F*** yeah. Full minute, 15. Laughs throughout. I didn't hear the count. I'm sorry. You're good. You're good. So nervous, Tony. I wish I was retarded right now. I bet there's a lot going on in that head. You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times. Unbelievable. You look like you could charge phones just by touching them. Alright. I think we could still be friends after that. Hell yeah. I don't know what the f*** that means, but you're doing great, Pat. You're a funny guy. You were... I remember you from the Netflix taping here a while back. How's life changed since being on... I'm an open-mic'er. Oh, per-stills. Bad at networking. You mean by that... Bad at networking. What do you mean by that? Tell us more. That I'm unlikable. Okay. Alright. That doesn't mean you don't have a chance. Look at me. Fair enough. I would say you're much more likable than me. I would say. I mean, look at you. I like you. Thanks, buddy. You know what? Let's get the f*** out of here, dude. Remind us, Pat, what do you do for work? I work for, like, a mortgage company. It's not... I thought you said morgue at first, and I would have believed that. You have morgue energies. James McCann. I've been thinking about the energy. I think you have the energy of, like, documentary footage of a comic from the 80s. Yeah, you look like a headshot, right? But, like, who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons? No. But you look like you're from the past. You have a 1980s young man face. Am I wrong? Am I just... Am I going insane? No, you're right. You're spot on. No, like Dennis Wolfberg, like he died in the 80s. You're of another time. I love these references, guys, but let's keep it on Pat here. You know Dennis Wolfberg? No? Yeah, nobody would. I'm 40. That's perfect. Okay, Pat. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Let's talk about it, buddy. What do you do with the rest of your life looking what you look like? I don't know. I like steak. I like candy. Okay. I like girls. I like movies. You go on dates a lot? Yeah, I'm straight. Okay. When you go on dates, how do you find people? Gay people go on dates, too, by the way. I don't know if you know that, but they do. They just fuck. Alright, okay. Straight to that. I'm excited tonight, Pat. Look at you. Mon Kilton. You're damn right. I like steak. I like ghouls. I like candy. That's the best response I've ever heard. It's great. It's a dude's an alien that studied us in this camera. I like what everybody likes. You watch a lot of old test footage from the earlier part of the 20th century, and you're going, they're like girls, they're like candy, they're like big smiles and good times. Okay, guys, just fuck. Alright, I can say that. I like everything I'm seeing. Thank you, James. Where are you from? Massachusetts. I live here now. Okay. There's one retarded lady from Massachusetts in the back. So, Pat, when you go on these dates, where do you find these victims, people? Like, is it a dating app that you're on or something? Single now. Fingers crossed. We're still early on. I was talking to that girl backstage. Heidi? Heidi O'Anata. You could be next. You could be next. Fuck. So, like, the last date that you went on, tell us what that was like. What did you do? What happened? Kinson era. I don't know, I've never understood Kinson era, because it's like the day they become a woman, but they're already pregnant. Oh, shit. Pat O'Neill's got it. Pat O'Neill's got a Kinson era joke. There it is. So, Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question on nine times successfully, we're back at it. Last date you were on. Alright, I mean, honest answer. I just broke up with my lady friend, who's also a very delightful comic, and... Perfect. Why did you break up with her? I live here. Oh, she lives somewhere else. Massachusetts still? Yes. Oh, my goodness. How did you do it? Over the phone? Well, I didn't do it. Look at me. She broke up with you? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay. What did she say to you? Did it come as a surprise to you? She said, we're not dating. I don't know. Sort of a blur. Did you just break into her house? No, it's a long-distance relationship, or else he would've. So, she kind of broke your heart when this happened? No, no. How recently did this happen? No, no. It just starts crying. No, no, see? No, no, never. You can't break a heart which doesn't exist. I ate candy and steak, and filled that pot of my soul, because that's what I do, because I'm a real human being. Come here, let me charge your phone for you. Let's talk about it, Pat. You hear that gentle piano music. You know what that means? Tell us. It was three weeks ago. Okay, Pat. All right. You're such a funny-looking guy, Pat. It's incredible. Everything about you is so comedic. It was three... Oh, it's probably gone. I don't know. You ever do funny stuff at the mortgage place? No, no. I was just lucky to keep it after Netflix, so they're good people, and they will... Wait, when you go on dates, are you worked? Do you comb your hair different or anything like that? I don't know. I thought that's actually a great question, right? I put the rug in on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon, so it's worse than normal. The question was, when you go on a date, I don't know what it looks like right now, but, yes, I try to do it. It's pretty wild right now. I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong, but it looks like... It looks like your forehead has a thong on right now. Red Band. Wow. It is incredible. Do people just, like, laugh at you sometimes when they see you? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm having my looks insulted by Red Band right now, so... If that isn't all you need to know about the shit I get. Wow. You're a funny guy, Pat. Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. You already have a big jokebook, right? There you go. Pat and Neil, everybody. Oh, yeah. Wacky-looking guy. All right, we're going to keep this fun train moving along. Your third bucket poll goes by the name of Olivia Kofflin, everybody. Olivia Kofflin. Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a first lady and a fake doctor. And during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America. The Biden administration was kind of like America's next top model, but for female presidents with different random women all taking turns trying out his power. It was a shit show, and Jill won. So, speaking of America, I came home the other day, and I found my cleaner eating my salad. She was in the kitchen, hunched over, eating out of the takeout box, and I walked in, and then she freaked out, and she saw me and ran to put it away, and was like, ah, media! And... Oh, I forgot my bit. I forgot the rest of it. Oh, sorry. She was like, ah, media! Oh, and I didn't realize, I didn't know what was going on at first, because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating. I thought she was just eating her own food, so... Okay, that's all. Wow. Olivia Kofflin, welcome, welcome. Is that your first time trying stand-up? Yep, first time. Holy shit, yeah, I could tell. Congratulations. It's amazing. What made you pick this show to start on? I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just fucking go out there and show everybody what's up right from the get before learning, you know, mic technique, or being able to remember an entire 60 seconds, or calling your housekeeper or made a cleaner? Yes. Somehow that's the most racist thing I think anybody's ever done in the history of the show. You just called them a cleaner? I thought people would know more if I said cleaner rather than house cleaner. I don't know why, because... House cleaner. People will call you cleaners. I didn't even say that, a housekeeper. The keeper of a house. Oh, I call her my cleaner. Oh, my God. What ethnicity are you? I'm white. Yeah, well, what kind of white? I'm mostly Irish. I know I don't look like it, but... Right. You should have just said Mexican and save yourself. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say. No doubt about it. Like, it's just a tip moving forward. It can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner. Like, we would all love to have cleaner money. It's true. But I just... I heard that and I thought, fuck, I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me. I... So I eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone in filth? Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well, aye? I mean, you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad. It was an awkward moment for sure. She's like our lifetime, like lifelong cleaner. And so I felt... So I'm sorry. Long cleaner. Just call her a slave, dude. Call her a slave. What ethnicity is she? Um... Oh, yeah, the horn players know what ethnicity she is. How do you have a cleaner? What have you been doing with your life? This was back when at my parents' house, so this was a while ago. Your parents' rich? They're doing okay. What did your dad do for a living? My dad's a pilot. My mom's a travel agent. Okay. Alright, that's cute. And how about you? What do you do for work? Um, I just got a job at a tennis place. A tennis place? Tennis. So what exactly are you doing at a tennis place? Tennis thing. I, uh, clean. No, I'm just kidding. Oh. Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there. Look at that. Look at that. She accidentally was funny there. I like that. It's the big moment right there. What the fuck are you doing at a tennis place? Um, stringing rackets and helping people. You play tennis your whole life or something? You just got into the tennis business. I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great. That's fucking crazy. And it worked out. It worked out. It's okay. So you just basically would have done any job at all and you ended up in tennis? Um, kind of. What did you do before that? Um, I was trying to be a screenwriter. It's difficult. Wow. Yeah, it's very difficult. I forgot all my words again. Oh my God. So yeah, that didn't work out. Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot? Um, yeah. What's like the funniest thing you've ever done in your life, you think, then? You know, it's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I think I belong on a comedy stage. I don't know. It's more, I say funny things when I can remember them and then I don't really do funny things. Yeah. Do you ever yell at a housekeeper? No, it was very nice to her. I pretended like nothing ever I never saw. And I was just like, hey, what's up? And then we just kept going on. You put fentanyl in your salad? No, I was going to say that I, whatever, I forgot my joke, but I, I'll do it next time. What kind of salad? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't even know what the fuck a salad is. Shut up. I don't know what the fuck it is. You just know the dressings. All right. Do you have any like special skills or talents? Have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before? Not really. Not what? Not really in front of a crowd. No, not really. Like nothing ever before? Nothing like on stage. No. How about not on stage? What did you do? Like what do you mean have I ever done anything? Or what do you mean? I don't know. Fuckin' anything. Anything at all about you other than the fact that you string tennis rackets. Um, I, I smoked a lot of weed. Um, I, there you go. That's a way to get the people on your side. Yeah. I chill at home with my roommates. How many roommates do you have? Two. Why? Um, just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people other than by myself. Okay. Alone. No man in your life right? No man. Why is that? I'm very picky. Oh, okay. I sound like an asshole, but I'm not. That's great. It's great. So let's talk about it. When you say you're picky, what are things that guys have had or wrong with them in the past that you didn't like? Um, maybe like not like manly enough. Can you give us an example of a time that a man wasn't manly enough? Maybe he did something. Um, that wasn't manly enough. No, I can't. This is from your life. You can think about anything that's happened. Um, now I'm just thinking about the tennis place. Maybe I can't think of anything. Well, tennis is pretty feminine. Anyone that plays tennis is not really my type. So like. James McCann, what are you thinking over here? I think Raphael Nadal is sufficiently masculine. But I mean, who, there are a lot of men on stage. Where, where is the midpoint? Where is the least manly but acceptably manly man? Do you know what I mean? I mean, am I manly enough for you? Um. My voice. Wow. Yes. Whoa. Is tiny manly enough? I think so. Okay, the bow is pretty low. She's pretty good at answering. So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough though. Yeah. But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them. I can't think of a specific example now. They said go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now. You shouldn't. No, you wouldn't have said that. Seem to clean her. Sexually weak? What? Like they couldn't fuck good. I'm sorry. Well that's. That is a turn off for sure. What's a turn off? Sexually weak. Coming too quickly. Has that ever happened with you? Yeah. Okay, so can you give an example of that where a man was too sexually weak? This is where you would reference during an interview a part of your life. We have talked about that of all things. You like to have your pussy eating good. Here you go, Olivia. Here's a little joke book. You did it. You had your first time on the show. She started here as you could tell. That chill-bited material. Struggling for 45 seconds. Ended it with a cleaner. Something about a salad we'll never really know. Wow. Imagine that. The roommates are going to have to watch that set. Alright, you guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody. It's Mario Z. So I'm 45 years old and on top of looking like Ian financial ruin, the thing that sucks the most for me is all the money. All the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what I loved? Bill Cosby. And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but like I grew up with Bill Cosby. Watch all of his shows. Kids Say the Darnest Things, Fat Albert, The Cosby Show. And all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person, ironically, from Bill Cosby, you know? But like he was my hero, right? So the allegations came out I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's America's dad. And the evidence came out and I was like, f**king Bill. But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit like, well it happened so long ago, what does it even matter? And f**k those people, alright? Bill Cosby's going to be remembered for all the bad shit that he did, because he wasn't on the Lakers. Kobe! Hey, maybe Bill had a fistful of rings instead of a fistful of quailers. Maybe we could overlook a couple of things, you know? Bill heard the news that he was dying to get on a helicopter, y'all. Thank you. Alright, Mario Z. You've been on this show before, Mario? I have. Right. Good to see you again. Remind us. Remind us, how long have you been on Stand Up? What do you do for a living? Stand Up 12 years. For work? I'm big porn. Okay, what kind of porn do you make? Giantist porn with my wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on in December. You have a big one? Giantist porn, like 50-foot woman shit. You guys don't like big titties? It's fine. Okay, what is it again? Giantist porn, so like 50-foot woman stuff. Is she really big? My wife is taller than me. I did it. But what makes it a giantist porn? Explain that to everyone else in the world. Got it. Okay. I've been red-banded. Pig ass. I love giantist porn. This guy's a fucking Tarantino, a fucking giant. You don't even know this fucking guy. I'm gonna after-pride so many questions for him, dude. Excited red-banded. I've seen my childlike wonder over here. I think my ex actually, he made a movie with my ex. Okay, alright. Juanita, let's fucking shout out more people. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, yeah, so I do video editing. And so pandemic happened, we moved to Philly, and I got a job and we were fucking broke. I lost a job because it was a shitty job. And we were trying to figure out shit to do, and we threw out a video and somebody was like, hey, can you make me this custom? And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do. And they're like, done. List the things that you wouldn't do. List nudity, no nudity. And that's basically it. Wait, no. God damn it. I'm the one wondering if I'm kind of loopy this episode, or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded. One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity. Okay, that's what I was thinking too. Yeah, okay, so fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex. Yes it is. I don't know what your cakes are, man. I like sex. Me too. So the video is just like the camera on the floor, and the woman looking B? I do video editing, so we do like green screen stuff. We put her like at a city, she stomps around and like, breaks shit or something. Okay, Red Band, please. Is that what it is? Let the guy fucking... No, no, no, no. It's in her Hot Wheels cars on a fat woman. I feel like you know more than I do. So it's basically green screen make-believe giant girl stuff. Yeah, it's more like the story of what's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn. She wears a bikini. But you call it porn? Okay, so a lot of it is like... Who buys it? People, okay, so... Can you say his name? Creepy short guys. A lot of people buy it actually. Well, maybe, I don't know. But it's more about like the domination of it, like the action, so it's like, not necessarily the sexuality of the woman, but like her presence in a scene. It's Fetishborn! It's for guys that like... I don't think I've ever... Don't you miss the good old days when Flayboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples? Wasn't that... Wasn't America whole, Batman? Before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff. Remember a vagina with hair on it? You're very old. And this is how both of you make your money is by doing this? We don't do that anymore. She's a behavioral therapist and... So how do you make money? We make passive income on the porn. Stuff that we made like five years ago is still selling. You're getting fucking residuals on your giantess porn? Oh, fuck. But she's tall, not like... What's that? Clips for sale? Clips for sale, we have our own personal site. We also do like other stuff like OnlyFans and stuff like that. We do like picture sets and shit like that. Jesus Christ, man. Alright, anything else? I'm just suffering COVID. You know it's over, right? Well, that's why we stopped doing it, but we're still making the money on it. Okay. Can anyone do this? I mean, sure, yeah. Anybody can do anything, right? Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever. It really is, doesn't it? I'm saying that's why we were able to do it. If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera? She'd be like, fuck you, you know? Like, I'll do a lot of porn if I don't got to get naked. Technically, I think we're doing porn right now is what I'm finding out. Somebody's going to jack off to this, I promise. Yeah, yeah. 100%. We're doing some giantess shit. Yeah. No doubt about it. We're the giantess comedy show. Oh, well, thank you. All right, you already have a little joke book? No, I have a big one. There you go. You're getting a little one this time. Oh, thanks. There's a lot of clunk around that. The belakers part was funny. Long setup. Ineffective tags. Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody. We have one of our most famous regulars of all time here to do a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month. Because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming. A lot of people have an anti-policy stock tracker. I have a Ted Cruz weather app. And whenever he's in Cancun, you know to layer up. Yeah, I have a Jewish girlfriend I found out. So that helps with the weather thing. My girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're going to have Asian Jewish babies. It's just going to be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But yeah, just a different time. When I was a kid, trans fats were bad. Thank you guys. Wow. Holtoni's own Hans Kemp. Absolutely crushing. Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute. Honest, pure, from your perspective. All stuff true to you. And there he is. This is the man who's notoriously the greatest interviewee in the history of the show. He cannot tell a lie. He constantly overshares. And the interview begins now. Welcome back, Hans. Thank you, Tony. How do you feel? I feel great. I'm ready to tell you about my sex life. Go right ahead if that's what you want to do. I mean, I wasn't even going to ask about that. But if that's what you want to talk about, you can go right ahead. Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it. Have you ever seen giantess porn before? You have. You're the kind of guy that would be into that. Yeah, I was kind of intrigued. So you've seen it before. What happened in the giantess porn that you've seen? Can you describe it please? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Well, it's Amazon Amanda. Some of you might know her. You know Amazon Amanda? Really? Let me see. Good look her up. Amazon Amanda. Yeah, she just dangles a woman and tickles her feet. Which part are you into? Just the tickling, the whole tickling thing. You love tickling, huh? Yeah, tickling, not tickling. I don't like to be tickled. You don't? No, I hate it. How bad do you hate it? It's like a nightmare, like a sexual nightmare. Well, you never should have let me know. Yeah, I mean, James, are you in the mood to tickle him a little bit? How many of you think we should let James tickle hard? Is that her? Oh my God, Amazon Amanda is huge. No, here's what you do. You get behind him. Hans, you face the crowd. He's looking at it. You can't see it happening. It's different when you see it. Do the ghost tickle. Don't turn around, Hans. You're not allowed to turn around. I could tickle him. That's poking. He's doing some kind of wacky Australian- Irish poking. I'll get you when he hears how we tickle in the other hemisphere. Ew, he just poked. That's not a good time. You gotta go in the wrong direction. You gotta hit those riblets, dude. No one... The armpits don't really work. This is fun. Now I get why it's porn. Yeah. You could find that clip on Clips for Sale. Amazing. Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way. Yeah, it's like a power thing. It's crazy. Wow. In your end of the day, you're gonna get a lot of people who are just crazy. Wow. In your end of that. Yeah. That's gross. Stop the tape-landing. Oh, God, what? Did you get your watch back? No. No, he didn't get the watch back. Oh, that sucks. I feel bad about that. It's okay, it's not your fault. Was she bigger? No, she was petite. Okay, give me that. Is that the sweater? You see this, Hans? Yes, Tony. This is a new feature on the show. You know what we do with this? It's the super tickler. I'll touch you with this. You're gonna feel a... All right. Hans, what else is going on in your life? Any crimes lately? You get pulled over by the police? I did. You did? The police officer pulled me over. Oh, my God. So, where that lies, an MLK's dream. Wow. I don't know, she... She obviously pulled you over, not for the colour of your skin, but for the quality of your drive. Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over. I was going 78 in a 70 or something like that, and, you know, it was just like a speed trap, and... Tell that bitch I need my racket re-strung. 78 in a 70. Yeah. It might have been 84. But, yeah, it was just a quick, you know, it's like, that's... It's like very efficient. You know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way, great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like. Well, here he is. We have the official state trooper of Mississippi, famously one of the worst state highway patrolmen in all of Mississippi. I swear to God, when I find you, you're gonna be a real trouble, motherfucker. I felt that breeze. I felt at least 82, 83 miles an hour. Hansy Boy Cam, having fun in Mississippi. The shows have been good, everything's good. Yeah, it went to San Antonio with Timmy No Breaks. Ooh, the new, newest superstar, another non-handicap golden ticket winner. Yeah, San Antonio was made for Timmy No Breaks. Tell us what you mean when you say that. It's just like, you know, just fucking rowdy people, just fucking drinking and just fucking yelling at Timmy. It's kind of aggressive. But no, it was great, he murdered, it was amazing. I was in other cities, you know, I had to go through Mississippi, so, you know, it's kind of, you know, ups and downs. But yeah, I got a lot of guys coming up to me telling me about guns and like guys that can kill me now, like just tell me that they can do that, you know. It's not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun. So, I'm kind of at a disadvantage here. But yeah, I'm kind of just chilling, I have my guns. Was it mainly white people in Mississippi showing you their guns? Yeah. I don't think black people are into like the, you know, the round millimeters shit, they're just like, you know, using it. How about nerdy stuff, Hans? How's your nerd life been going? What have you been doing in that department? Any new hobbies in your... I got back into Starcraft 2, I'm a Diamond League 2v2 player. Wow, incredible. Are you good at Rubik's Cube? I'm very bad, I could do the first two rows, but not the bottom row. It ain't perfect. I guess we won't be using that tonight. All right, Hans, fun times, thank you so much. And Hans Kemp, ladies and gentlemen. All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Cain Brown. We're gonna meet him all together now. Isaac Cain Brown. Uh, my girlfriend's a Type 1 diabetic. And a Type 2 fucking bitch all the time. Uh, I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service. For real, guys, they're warriors. I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you? For absolutely no reason. Fuck the troops, dude. Uh, fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this. Hennessy is made from grapes. That's fucked up. That's like light beer being made from ranch. You know exactly who's drinking it. Yeah. Auto correct can be confusing. For three months, I thought my dad was scared of ninjas. Which looking back doesn't make sense. Why would ninjas have pit bulls? Damn it, just a little too long. Here, to say it again, why doesn't it make sense? Why would ninjas have pit bulls? Wow. There you go. There it is. Guys, is it Kane Brown? Is this your first time on the show? Nah. Okay. Third. Third time. Yeah. Okay, alright. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years now. What do you do for work? Nothing. How do you, how are you able to survive without working? VA disability. Really? You're a veteran? Yeah. What branch? Marine Corps. Okay. What did you do in the Marine Corps? I was an infantryman. Nothing too much. You ever, you ever battled? You ever go to battle? The only thing I battled was gay thoughts. Wow. In that case, I deserve the Medal of Honor. But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life. No, I make it work. Can you give us an example of how you, you know, use your budget to your advantage? Ramen noodles, Chef Oiread. And then I sell Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Ah, there it is. The truth is out. I remember you now. Red band going, you don't know Yu-Gi-Oh? You don't fucking know Yu-Gi-Oh? Yeah, what the fuck? Yu-Gi-Oh and Giant is porn. It's a whole evening. What? Pretty dang. What's your love life like, guys? Like you seem like a good looking guy. You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that. It's going good. I have a girlfriend. Yeah. She do comedy too? No, she's a dog groomer. Ooh, a dog groomer. All right. I love it when she calls me a good boy. All right, everybody's into some wild shit. Amazing. Fun. What do you guys think about Isaac Cain Brown? I'm asking the panel, not you guys. Anything there, James? Do you ever do any mom and you do it all? Well, you attacked the armed forces, but you were off the arm. What? In your set, you were being negative about military servicemen. No? What did he say? You said something nasty about the army. Is that true? You said fuck the troops. Yeah. But you were the troops. Yeah. Did you not get along with the troops? No, they suck. What do you mean when you say that, that they suck? Most people in the military are 18 to 22. Right. The only reason you join is because you got seas in high school. Is that why you joined? Yeah. How old are you now, Isaac Cain Brown? I'm 28. 28. And did you suffer a specific injury? I got ejecto-cetoed out of a vehicle. You what? Well, a vehicle hit a trench and I flew the fuck out the top of it. Wow. If there was any country you could wipe off the earth, which one would it be? Great question. Just one. Yeah, you could. Israel. Oh, all right. Okay. And we're back, everybody. Take a little commercial break there. Who's that here and knows you're gonna pick Israel? Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing. One of the flies flew into the hard drive there. So if the video came out a little jittery, it's all wacky. Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop. It's all fixed now and we're back. Oh, there he is. When you hear the sound of a jungle bird, you know. No way. That's going on Netflix. It's true. Maybe on Al Jazeera. All right, Isaac Cain Brown. You're not Jewish yourself? No. No, you just look like that. Yeah. All right. I love it. What do you think about CEOs of healthcare companies? You do have a look. And we got to teach them a lesson. All right, Isaac, you already have a big joke book. There he goes. Isaac Cain Brown, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. HeidiRajina.com is a new website. What a smoke show. I'll tell you, if I was into women, pfft. All right, this looks like a new name, everybody. Make some noise for Augie Lee. Augie Lee. Here we go. Hey. So I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I got home from work and walked into our house because we lived together. And I saw her making love with a man in my living room. So I bolted up and I said, What's the big idea? No, I mean really, what's the big idea? I mean, what the fuck? No, no, no, no, no. What the fuck? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Anyway, speaking of black guys, right? I mean, what the fuck? No, my cousin's dating a black guy and she's having a baby soon. And yeah, that's it. No, no, no. Here you go. And I'm like, what's that baby going to be like, you know? Like, hey, y'all where the white baby's at? Can I get a chocolate new pot? I need some studio time. All right, thank you. No, no, no, keep going. Just do all the material that you have. I'm very interested by you. Do you have more jokes? Okay, perfect. All right. That's good, that's good. Augie Lee. I wanted to see if all your jokes halfway through you just turned into like, Yeah, seems like you have a little thing there. Yeah, yeah. You're like a really, really, really lazy Casey Rockett thing. I like it. Not a lot of movement, but a shit ton of charisma and very compelling material. Thank you. You have a little bit of your own style. How long have you been doing stand up? About like seven months. Okay. All of it here in Austin? Yeah, a little started in Seattle, from Seattle. And you just moved here? Yeah. Nice, congratulations. Thank you. All right. What do you, how do you, yeah, James? I just wondered what else you'd been doing since LMFAO broke up. Yeah. I like the hair. The hair is cool. No, no, thanks. Yeah, no, I know. I'm like, chimichanga libre. I'm, I don't know, libre, natural, libre. Never mind, forget about it. Perfect. Yep. You're a Mexican? Yeah, I would mean Hispanic, something like that. Yeah, perfect. What do you do for work, Ogeely? I work at a thrift store. Do you? I do actually. Okay. You mean steel carburetors? No, but I do work with some Mexicans. You see some crazy stuff working at a thrift store? People trying to make deals? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Tell us about it. I'm sure somebody's coming in and like someone will drop something off and the thing is, it's required to bring it inside and we tag it, price it, whatever, and I'll get people being like, oh, I'm supposed to slip you a 20, you know? And I'm like, I don't know, but you know, we get like, I got like Seinfeld collections and like... Like VHS? Yeah, like cool, yeah, just cool, like vintage shit, I guess. Wow. Like, Gucci sunglasses? They pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store? No, no. I get paid to bring it in while other people donate. I'm sorry, I had a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit. But you said they're coming in and they're complaining. They're like, this should be 20. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But they don't get any money for it. They just want the dignity of the product to get a high price. Yeah. That's weird. It is weird. It is weird. It's like, come on, we're doing it like a third of the price anyways or whatever. Augie, do you do drugs? I don't know. Tony, does it look like you're drugs? You know what? Yeah, it does. Yeah, a little bit. What kind of drugs do you do? I like acid a lot. Okay. When's the last time you did acid? What time today? Actually, I did it like a couple weeks ago and while I was on acid, we were just chewing on the couch and we were trying to write something but we saw a rat run across into my bathroom. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, is this real? Yeah. And they, yeah, the rat, like it was the whole thing on rat on acid and my friends were just fucking with me the whole night. That was the last time I took acid, by the way. That was it. I mean, I've... A few weeks ago. Yeah, a few weeks ago. Yeah. Awesome. How about drinking? You do a lot of drinking? Like a Jack and Coke guy. Bath salts? Sorry, Adam. Did you drink today? What if I just fucking eat his face off? Get out, Tony! You're a wild boy, Augie. Did you drink today, Augie? Oh, yeah, a little. I had one drink. My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink only. You don't, you know, you're just gonna fuck with you. And I kind of, yeah, I was like, okay. And then, now I'm here. It happened. Yeah. You scared? How do you feel? A little bit. I've been watching, I've been watching you guys since I was like 13 years old. Wow. How old are you now? I'm 24. Amazing. Okay. So with that said, you've been watching that long here in the interview part right now. I know. What would you want you to do in this part of the show? You've been watching for a long time. Wow. This is it. Like anything could happen. I know, I know, right? You good at anything? You have any special skills or talents? You know how to yodel or anything like that? Yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel, yodel. No, I can't. So no. No, but I don't always try. I'll try anything. Once I like karaoke, I love karaoke. I bet you do. I make music and stuff too, but I will sing anything. No. But no, yeah, no, don't let me do that. Because I... Anything crazy about your family or your life history? Any near-death experiences? Never saved anybody's life? You ever do anything good? I haven't saved anyone's life. Ever done an act of service? Oh boy. That's a good question. I don't think I have ever done anything good. Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done? You ever committed a crime or anything like that? We... Have you ever had any brain injuries? Brain injury. Concussions? We... No, I don't know. Okay. Yeah, no, I don't know if I've done anything bad or good. Tony, this is a hard question. I'm trying to think of like... When you say we, do you mean you? He likes you. No, he doesn't. Yes, yeah, no, I meant... I meant you too, right? No, yeah. All right, Augie. You're a silly boy. Thank you. But you know what? I'm gonna give you a big joke book, Augie. Congratulations. Thank you. I liked your set. I appreciate it. Got a little tightened up during the interview, but there you go, Augie Lee. Thank you. I like silly shit, like when it goes silly. Yeah, he's pretty silly. He's a silly guy. Let's keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? How many of you like going comedians do good on this show? How many of you like going comedians do bad on this show? Well, you must be having a blast tonight. Mixed movies for your next bucket pool, it's John Bechdel. John Bechdel. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in a fortress. So let's see how it goes. Austin, Texas. How's it going? RFK? It's on fucking site. Without these food dies, how am I gonna know which M&M I want to fuck now? Joke's on you. It's the yellow one. I love that big, dumb slide. Hey, y'all, give it up, Mother Chip. I know this is a crowd of true, blue, red 40 blooded Americans. Am I goddamn right? No, these music biopics, they're crazy. They're making like a Bruce Springsteen one. What, in 20 years, the clone of Timothy Chalamet is gonna star in a One Direction movie that gets nominated for an Academy Award, where we learn what direction that band was about. Now, we'll get a story about XXXTentacion's older brother, XIXIXI11's Cheon. This story of little Uzi Murtz's dad, big Gatling Gun horizontal. All his friends are alive. How Rob talks from Matchbox 20. It's just like, yeah, hindsight's Matchbox 2020. I mean, if Ranchie loves fabrics, I wouldn't trust a single Jason with a deli. Hell yeah, y'all. John Bechtel, you're a wild boy. Look at you. Again, this is like the third guy tonight that just looks like a pure fucking comedian. I mean, you look like you've been exclusively only eating plastics your entire life. I can't even buy macro plastics. Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just start chewing on it. Just straight plastic bottle eater. Long in flavors, like that's an upgrade. It is incredible. You are something else. I mean, look at you. You are a wild boy. Thank you very much. Okay, good, good, good. Fantastic. How long have you been a full-grown garden gnome? Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago. How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky? You seem dry. I've never been able to afford that shit. I'm not poor. Okay, tell us about your budget. Tell us how you, what do you eat? So, luckily I work at a restaurant that gives us free food. I think that that's great. I think that legally that should be the case. Yeah. Because god damn it, I can't afford anything on these mother-friest foods. My god, incredible. So what's your living situation? You live alone? I've got some roommates. Okay, tell us about the situation. How many roommates? Two roommates, they're married. Josh, Maria, Macaulay, they're absolute saints. Who put these just shouting people out tonight? This is a ticking time bomb. No, they're absolute saints. I wouldn't have a living situation. You had a what? I wouldn't have a living situation if I wasn't doing comedy and met cool people. Yes, absolutely. So where'd you meet them at? A open mic at Tiniest Barn Texas. Okay. They were gonna say A-A there for a second. Are you sober? Uh, we went over this last time. I'm two-year sober eventually. Okay. But not yet. Not yet. Did the line work better the last time you did it? Kind of did actually. Okay, so John, you're working at a restaurant. You got roommates. You guys share one bathroom? Two, oh god, that is the biggest upgrade in my quality of life I've ever had. Having my own god damn bathroom. Yes. My old roommate, Jake. Oh, this dipshit. My old roommate, Jake Anderson. Okay, stop calling people out by their full names, John. Would take a bath for four hours. Like this grand-to-last motherfucker just sitting in there. Like, he would just sit there and be like, Dude, like, you could just like, you know, knock. And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours, motherfucker. Do you ever take a shit while he's sitting there in the bathtub? He kept the curtain closed so I took a piss and protest. Wow. Look at you. You look crazy, John. What do you drink exactly? Bacchol and Kettle. Bacchol and Kettle. Sure, yes. We're totally comparable, John. What's your drink? Bacchol and Kettle. How many of those do you drink a day? I've had two today. Really? Yeah. Only two? Only two. They do serve pitchers next door at Shakespeare's. Did you have one of the pitchers? I tried to and then y'all called me. Okay. You know what we're going to do? Let's do a breathalyzer test on this guy. We have a new breathalyzer that we've never tried out before. This is a brand new test in the history of Kill Tony. We've never done this before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi everyone. You know how to do this thing, Heidi? Okay, it's on. This is a professional taking breathalyzer test. All right. This fucking blow you creep. The thing reads disgusting. It just says helitosis. What does it say, Heidi? Point zero. Yeah, you gotta blow you. Jesus Christ almighty. Point zero three. There you go. Just genuinely crazy. Slightly over the legal limit. Right? Or no, it's under. No, it's way under. Yeah, way under. You look trashed. I look like trashed, don't I? What's your love life like, John? Is there anyone that's into that? We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes. Oh, God. Well, Mayan's about like not having a fetish. She's a really old fuck buddy of mine. She told me not to tell the story. Great. Please do not say her full name. Her name is Michelle Obama. No. So she just recently became a juggalette. And we're hooking up and she's like, John, I think this is going to be a deal breaker. And it's like we've been fucking for like eight years. So what's going to be a deal breaker? Well, her playlist, she's just become a juggalette. There's nothing else. It's all brand new, like music to us. So there's like four songs. Did you go to the gathering? Not yet. Didn't get invited. All right. She started stalking the fridge of Fego, you know. So why would it not work out if she's into different music? Well, she wants me to be into it. This is what she started listening to. Right. There's about four songs in the playlist. What does she have? That on repeat during sex. But she's got that insane clown pussy dance. So you're actually as cheap as cheap and wrong. You should fix your situation. This long term fuck buddy thing is a rumor steak. Oh yeah. No, no, I'm about the situation. The insane clown posse is now in the situation. Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test. John, before you go, tell us the most crazy thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now. I fell into the sewer last year. I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that. Okay. Please tell us exactly what happened. I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look. It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there. The old pod calling the kettle black. Old nuclear fucking wiener dog over here. So this is the story of how I went home. I'm walking down the street. I walked down south first and Barton Springs by that water burger. What a lovely day. I turned to the left. I fucking fall about eight feet into the fucking sewer. Oh, the fucking guy walking on it didn't put a sign. He's just like smoking a joint on the side and being like, Oh, sure, what's going on over here? And I'm like, help me. Please. Oh my God. You could definitely sue for that. Dude, I've got like 90 stories like that. You're going to die. Probably. Yeah. No, seriously, you have everything. Yeah. You might be the strongest person alive, immune wise though. That's what I'm saying. You're like the toxic adventure without the, you know, hero part and strength. Yeah. And also unemployable. Right. You've got 90 stories similar to falling down an open sewer. Can you tell us one more? Do you have one more that you could think of? When I was a kid, I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip. Oh my God. You don't, you can't believe how hard it was to convince that teacher. I didn't have my homework anymore. Where were you visiting? Fuck it. Sea world. So the teachers didn't have to work. Oh my God. How hard did it attack you? I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds. You were friends with the pelicans before. They're pretty neat. You know, I liked the, what is the one like the fucking, it's a tuna guy. Like the, the fish restaurant. I don't know. Yeah. Sun kiss. Charlie, Charlie. No, no, no. Mr. Tuna. Yeah, Mr. Tuna. Mr. Tuna. Classic character. Sorry, but there are like 90 of these stories. Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah. You could be here all night. No, but just rattle them. I'd like to hear one more. We get one more. Story number 88. Number 88 is. Fell into a sewer. It was 90. Attacked by pelicans. At sea world. Number 88. Oh right. Um, one time I got the district manager. My job fired because he owed me $270 and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day. So how did you get him fired? Well, um, you, you know, this guy would hire like 16 year olds, you know, just that was kind of his most. Where was this job? What was this job? Pot belly on Guadalupe. Wow. Calls everything out. Kevin Stogan. Old. Black male. Bechtel. The doxer. John Bechtel is here. Samantha Appleby. You think you're a good guy? Yeah. The doxer. John Bechtel is here. Samantha Appleby, you bitch. Hey, buddy, it's not too hot. You're a wild boy, John. You already have a big joke book? I do not. Here you go. There it is. John Bechtel, everyone. Talking about how he wants to fuck M&Ms and honestly, I believe him. I believe him. Whoa. Whoa. 91. Yeah, there it is. Story number 91. I was once walking off Kill Tony and I almost died tripping on a court. I need a lawyer if anybody has one. I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me. His name. What the fuck is it? Fucking Henry. Thomas J. Henry. Thomas J. Henry. All right. Attention. Attention. Oh, hang on. Attention. Rail travelers, platform paces, window gazers and arm rest negotiators. Have you heard? The big rail fare freeze is here. Railfares have been frozen across England until March 2027 on standard class tickets, including off-peak, anytime, and season tickets. For more information, visit nationalrail.co.uk slash faresfreeze. Teasing season exclusions apply. The full list goes by the name of Alex Tarno. Alex Tarno, everyone. Here we go. How you guys doing tonight? Good. Yeah, I'm doing good myself. All things considering, I'm single. I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit. I love chick shit. Most guys in this room are like football, cars. Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby. I'm like, I'm bodyworks. Love all that shit. I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them. They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club. I'm like, that sounds fun, but you know what sounds fun? A farmer's market. Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude. Some fresh produce, dude. I think I'll go to that strip club, right? I like strip clubs, but I don't like that the gender roles are reversed at a strip club. I'm like, I'm up to the men, and that's terrifying to me. I'm not used to that shit at all, and they're aggressive as fuck. Ladies, I understand your plight. I now know what it's like to be a hot chick, because I'm just there with my boys just trying to have a fun time at the strip club. And these money hungry shippers like, ah, you want to dance, you want to dance. And I'm like, leave me alone trying to have fun with my friends. Just because I dress as sweet as me, I want attention. All right, thank you. Alex Tarno. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Alex, we know you, right? Have you been on this show before? Yes, I have, sir, yes. You've been pulled out of the bucket? Not pulled out of the bucket. I brought Chris Silio, my roommate, my best friend. That's right. The Golden Ticket winner that's blind. Incredible. How long have you guys been roommates? We've been roommates for a short period of time, best friends for 10 years. Wow, amazing. What's it like being best friends with a blind guy? It's fine, I mean, like... D-madness, plug your ears. Dude. Bro, like, you know, like simple shit where like, LB, he's... This one time I go into the bathroom, lights are off, doors open, right? I open the door and then he goes, ah, dude, I'm like, well, fuck you. Oh, that's amazing. Of course they don't need the lights on. Why the fuck would they? I've never even thought of that before. Blind people's electric bills must be incredible. God damn it, 35 cents? What the fuck did I do? How the hell is this even motherfucking awesome? It's off from the doorbell. Who been ringing that fucking doorbell that much? I'm gonna charge those motherfuckers. It's one of my D-madness impressions, D, I don't know if you could tell. That's you, I'm not really good at impressions, but that's... I love it. So what do you do for work, Alex Tarno? Me, so I am, my background is in teaching, but right now the first job I was able to get when I moved to Austin, I'm currently a server at a retirement community. Whoa, okay. To serving final meals, cons. Dude, just, I mean, bro, I was like excited when I first got the job, because I'm like, yo, I'm gonna fucking crush some old pussy-dink. And then I got the job, and then I was like, oh, bro, gross. This is not like what you Google online, dude. Have any of the ladies, have any of the old ladies tried to fuck you? Nah, come on, buddy. You would have crushed them, though, you are correct. You are adorably chubby. I mean, it is a special, it is a very special kind of fat. I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that. If you poke my belly, I giggle. I bet, I bet you do. What are your foods of choice? What does it take to exactly make that shape? Ah, so I have like a legendary Chipotle order. Ooh, tell us about this. It's pretty crazy. I get a steak bowl, but triple steak. Oh my God, yes. And double large guac, extra toppings, dude. What are your toppings of choice? My top cheese, like the shredded cheese, right? Corn, you know. The chili corn. Like corn, yeah. You go red and green? I do red and green, yeah. Oh, you are. M&Ms. I go for M&Ms. Rice Krispie treats. It's like one of those wacky, wacky ice cream sundaes by the end of it. Crumbled Oreos. I go ham with that, too, dude. Dair Queen is fucking, I make sure. You go ham with ham. Ham. What's your love life like, Alex? It's, I've been single now for two years, you know. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I've been kind of... You from Austin? No, I'm from Miami. Have you ever kissed a girl since you lived in Austin? Not yet, no. Not yet? Is there a girl out there? Is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss, this adorable boy? We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business. And famously, there's always a woman that for the sake of the goodness of the state of the union, come on, whoever you are. This is where the magic happens, everybody. This is a very long, famous portion of the show. It's called Kiss Me Here on Kill Tony. This is Alex Tarno, and this is his first kiss as an Austin, Texas resident. Okay, now, yeah, that was a quick little peck there. How do you feel, Alex? Thank you, I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you. I believe this is a couple. Yeah, it really is. You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts. What? Why are you booing? Why are you fucking... Why are you booing? Who are you offended by in that? Don't boo him. That's a great thing just right now. You don't think he's a handsome charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club? I look like a poor man's John Belushi. Like a Jim Belushi? You look like a Jim Belushi. Yeah, a Jim Belushi. A poor man's John Belushi is Jim Belushi. That's what I was trying to say. I thought it was funny. It is, yeah, it's so funny. It's incredible. Okay, Alex. Just make sure she's on top. It's fucking murder if I'm on top, too. What's your name, sweetheart? Talk into that microphone right there. Elena. Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage? Well, he's quite charming. Wow, look at this. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yeah, this chick's gonna be walking in on a blind dude taking a shit in the dark in no time. This is incredible. Amazing, amazing. Elena, where are you from? Michigan. Oh, okay, so this guy's... This is like a 10. Right here, this is a Michigan 10. We do look like we make the perfect 10, though. Yeah, zero one, perhaps. I think Michael's seeing the 10 back there. All right. Thank you so much, Elena. Thank you, Alex Tarno. Fun times. Alex, how long's your longest set? How about a hand for Elena, everybody, being a good sport. What's the longest set you've ever done? 30 minutes. 30 minutes. I would love to have you and the blind guy on the Secret Show Thursday. Chris Silio and Alex Tarno just got booked on the Secret Show. Oh, my goodness. Here we are coming right around the corner. All right. We have another bucket full, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Jackson and Nami, everyone. Jackson, Nami. Appreciate it. I know it looked like I got turned out at a Planet Fitness. It was a YMCA, fuck you. I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder. And it's hereditary. Some of you hoes better watch out. They call me cronist the way I be eating kids. Pause, pause. What the fuck? That's a Greek joke. They call me Percy Jackson the half-blood fucker for real. They call my throat slitter-bond the way kids be sliding down it. But it's a magic school bus on my tongue. Come on the magic school bus. Arno, stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy. I can feel it in the crowd. That one time in college. With his uncle. With that girl who wasn't a girl who he thought he was a girl. Fuck. You ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog? Just me? Just me? Nah, the dice are in the front row. I'm like, nah, we just munch it. The fuck? This guy asked me if being gay was a choice. I said not to my victims. The fuck? Damn. Jackson and Amy coming in and absolutely destroying. Counts for double being that gay in the middle of Texas. You double killed. Absolutely incredible, Jackson. Appreciate it. Last time you killed this hard it was your parents' expectations of you. What a huge change from last time you were on the show. A huge growth spurt since the last time you were on the show. Appreciate it. It was just gay and you came out. I only have gay now. Amazing, Jackson. So remind us, how long have you been on stand up now? Seven or eight years. Seven or eight years. All of it here in Texas? Yes, sir. Okay, this is where you were born and raised? Houston, Texas. What are your parents like? What do they think of this whole thing with you? They're just regular folk, conservative, Methodist. What does your dad say to you when he hears material like this? What do you think he's going to say? Jackson, god damn it. He's got a boomer autism, so I give him space. What do you mean by that? He can knock on the walls and be like, that's hardwood right there. He just knows shit like that. We get along in a weird way. Hank Hill shit. Definitely Hank Hill shit. If Bobby was trans, then me, yeah. What do you guys do for fun? What do you and your dad do for fun? We used to go camping. We don't, you know, estranged relationships, you know. We tryin'. How about mom? You closer with mom? She was in remission for breast cancer. Okay, look at that. Amazing. Full remission. Okay, so what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy or sucking cock? What's your third favorite thing to do? We know what the first two are. This guy's killing and filling. He's crushing and gushing. I got me a girlfriend. Really? Wow. Richie. Okay, where'd you meet this guy? No. It's a real girl? Yeah. You're gay, but you have a girlfriend. Yeah. Help us to understand this. I was her gay friend, and now she needs a gay friend. It finally worked for one of us. We finally... It's been a strategy for a long time. This is amazing. So explain to us the slow burn that was you being her gay friend to starting to fuck. How long were you guys just friends for? Years. Definitely years. So then explain to us the moment, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been, where all of a sudden you... It was the day I was being institutionalized. Okay, so tell us about that. She called me after a while, and I was like, yeah, because you remember I said I sucked dick up here and million views. Yeah, you just did it again. That's another kind of a talk. Yeah, that's it. I mean, whatever, but I'm just saying. I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that. That was crazy. Okay, so you got institutionalized after your appearance on the show? For sure. But why? Why? No, man. Tell us why you got institutionalized. The gay shit. What do you mean? Juanita was here earlier. She's not going to jail. She's not going to a psych ward. They took me on some pro-zac. They fucked the medicine companies. That shit. Was it your parents? Yeah, yeah. It was fine. Okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for? Two months. Two months? Tell us about that. What was that like? I was popular for the first time. It was awesome. Explain to us what you mean by that. Well, like, they do this group therapy shit, and I was just running laps around, motherfucker. Getting big laughs. Yeah, like fucking killing. Oh, mama cancer. Oh, I was a sweetheart. Like, motherfuckers. Yeah, but for them girls with the fucking bracelets around, they cut wrists. That shit. I was everyone's best friend. So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours, in the psych ward. No, sir. Oh, that's right. Home town, home town, girlfriend. So why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your institutionalization? God, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Okay, so when you got out two months later, she picked you up? Yeah, we waited, slow burn, just doing gay friendship, going to the gallery, fucking botanical gardens. Right, that's gay. It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just... Okay, so tell us about that moment where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore. I would sit in the cup chair in her bedroom. Well, she was having sex with guys. Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that, but like that... Cause like we wasn't together, so it was like I was doing some of that too. We just keeping the friendship. Okay, let me go back to the root question here. Let's say I'm trying to fight Prozac right now. This is a live battle. Tony versus Prozac in a battle of the Titans. If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere sometimes, it's because it is. The big healthcare companies have a tight grip on my show. So far, Prozac is up one round against me. There had to be a moment, a true moment, say you're at the botanical gardens or something like that. A moment where you're like, I think I could, I think I want to have sex with this show. I was watching this National Geographic show. Okay. No, seriously, in real life, it doesn't have to be funny. We just fucked. I was in the bedroom, I was laying down, we were tired of scissoring, it was time. It was time. It was time. I scored it, she scored it, my pussy was wet, we got the PH metifier. We was ready, fuck. So you're regularly having sex with a girl? She's pregnant, yes. Wait, what? There are some, I'm confused. I can't even imagine, I'm looking out at some Texans that definitely drove a fucking F-250 here from an hour and a half away. Some real fucking ranch folks that are just literally... Don't beat the anon, this is good, this is what you wanted. I don't fucking... He ain't gay no more. He like women. This is incredible. Are you still on the SSRIs? No sir. Okay. No sir, I'm free wheeling it motherfucker. Wow. How long has the girl been pregnant for? She's due in October. Due in October. Unbelievable. And so what are you gonna name the little fuck? Well... Jesus Christ. That thing's coming out gay as fuck, dude. How long? You're gonna go through what your parents went through. And you're gonna find out how karma works. And they're gonna think you're the conservative autistic one. Lil Jaden, I don't know, he gonna be light skinned, we gonna fuck around. Oh, it's a black girl? Oh, she Nigerian, yes sir. Wow! This is incredible. This guy's making up for all the interviews that went nowhere today. Every time I ask him a question. But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents? It's unbelievable. Have you told them that you're straight now? Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby? Yeah, they were... Yeah. They know. They know. Yes sir. How did they feel about it? They're relieved. They're like, fuck. This is incredible. How does it feel going from gay to straight? In record time, crazy. And split speed, yeah. What's funny is that you still, you got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man, that all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick. Well, you know, I still dabble. Do you really? You really still... Everyone eats their hobbies, the fuck? Wow. Does she do that too? Yeah, we fuck around. We have good time. Wow, incredible. I know where I'm sleeping tonight. My new friend's house. Pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy. This sounds like a fucking... You gotta get ready to be a father to this child. You gotta stop fucking around. You gotta buy some real pants. You gotta... Now, I believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child. But you've run out of time. October is soon. I'm busting my ass here, motherfucker. I'm trying my best. No, you gotta not bust your ass. Exactly. Your ass has been busted enough. Wow. Jackson, does she have a job? Yeah, sure. What does she do? She was... We don't got a job right now. You guys, neither of you have jobs? How are you planning on supporting the child? Give me a gig, motherfucker. No, that's not how it works. How are you gonna do it, period? You know, you know, only fans. I don't know. Do you guys do things on only fans? No, sir. No. Okay, so how... They got a big... How are you planning on taking... supporting the child? This interview's gonna get sad. So bullshit ass job. Like what? I was... I worked at a hair store. I can do that again. A hair store? Yeah. Sally's? Okay, I don't know. I don't know what that shit is. Dude, you got a... You got a men's talent to be a professional comic, though, for real. Oh, for real? Thank you. Thank God, motherfucker. Somebody said, thank you so much. Send this guy some money. Send this... Send this... What do they call it when they transfer this? Transfer what? That you play the... This born-again straight guy. Listen, it's all well and good to be homophobic, but unless you're willing to give money to an ex-ish homosexual, what does it all mean? What's your Venmo? Give you Ven... Yes. Cash app, Jackson Nami One. N-A-M-I. Yes, sir. Jackson Nami One. You're gonna wanna get a Venmo. The Cash App people don't give us generously. Right, that's shit. You're gonna need a Venmo. Venmo is one more V you have to get into. It's incredible. What's your longest set you've ever done, Jackson? 10, 15. I'd love to give you an eight-minute spot at Secret Show Thursday. There you go. And here's a big joke about Jackson. Here you go. He caught it. He's straight. It's official. Wow. Unbelievable. What an intriguing interview. One more time for Jackson, everybody. All right, your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone. Frank Kidd. Here we go. We're almost there. One more time for Frank, everybody. All right, hello. Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if you're not, you're gonna have to go to the show. All right, hello. Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people. Like, black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and just how it impacts us today. Just the number of souls lost to the annals of time crushed under an oppressive system. And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding. Uh... Why don't we get married here? Babe, let's do a silly one. Put the shackles on me. That's crazy. I don't know. Ma'am, have you ever been to a wedding in Auschwitz? Has that ever happened to you? No, that'd be crazy, right? Okay, all right, thank you. All right, Frank Kidd. Welcome, Frank. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah, first time on the show. How long have you been to in stand-up? Four years now. Where at? Houston? Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. That was gonna be my next guest. Great game, great game. Yeah, it goes on. Yeah, absolutely. It is college football season. Did you go to college? Yeah, I went to LSU. Oh, sweet. What did you get your degree in? Journalism. Okay, what do you use that at all for anything? Delivering Amazon packages. Did you pay off your college debts yet? My parents pay for it. Oh, nice, okay. What do the parents do? Real estate. Nice, look at that. You locked out. Thank you, Mama Dez. I love it, I love it. What do you do for fun, Frank? I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football, do gay remixes, songs. Do what remixes? Gay remixes. What do you mean gay remixes? It's like just like a, yeah, he was about to, it's like a regular song, but she made the list. James, go ahead. Sorry, we just saw a gay remix come out earlier on. And that won't make sense to you, but I apologize. It was a gay guy who's not gay anymore. Oh yeah, I heard the last part of that. He's sort of not gay anymore. Well, he dabbles. Yeah, he dabbles. Yeah, you still suck your fucking dick in a heartbeat. Totally straight now. No anal. Frank, how long have you been with your girlfriend? About a year now. What does she do? She works at Dillard's. Oh, okay, alright. White girl, black girl. Black. Okay. I don't like how he, what? He was like, white girl, black girl? She's black. Yeah. Yeah. Is that weird, it's a weird question? No, I'm just saying, I was like, it seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women. And I was like, hmm. You don't think you look like you would? Not me more. Right, right. You've been with white women before? No comment. Yes, of course. When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women? Oh my God. I'm about to, man, man, white, no. White pussy be like, black pussy. I don't really notice anything different, you know. Nothing at all, huh? Nothing at all. There's so many huge differences. Yeah. Huge. Like, I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is I'm told a big thing and it, no doubt. White women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them that black people don't have? I don't know who, what is that man? You know, you feel that cauliflower? Black women don't have that? What the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you felt the cauliflower thing? It was broccoli. It was broccoli. Broccoli. Broccoli. I'm sure if it's a white woman, it's broccoli. If it's a darker woman. Okay. So, Frank, what else? What do you do for any other hobbies or anything like that? I play Xbox, I go to the gym, I guess. I wish I did rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun. That would be more interesting, but I'm... That makes sense, though. I love it. I love it. What's your favorite food, Frank? Mac and cheese. Do you often eat mac and cheese? Probably once every two weeks. Wow, what a special treat. I ate it more than that. Yeah, Red Band has to go to a meetup group if he goes two weeks without his mac and cheese. What's your favorite mac and cheese? Ooh, what the... Here we go, different levels to the game. Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix. Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top. Four cheeses. A Red Band sometimes does a breadcrumbs-only remix of that. A head crumbs. All right. Frank. Frank. Frank. Kid. You have any kids? No, I do not have any. You want to? Is that- are you offering me somewhere? Yes. Would you like to make a baby with me? No. Do you wanna have kids one day? Yes, I'd like to have kids one. Do you see them- Because, you know, divorce, I'm coming for half. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. I had a feeling you were going to try to steal something from me when I first went to the house. I didn't realize you were going to play the long game, Frank. I thought you were coming straight from my wallet. I got a long game I can play with you, Tony. I love it. I missed that. What'd he say? You said he was playing the long game with you? No, I said I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony. Oh, sorry. That's very dick joke. That's a big dick joke. Oh, I thought... Absolutely. Okay, Frank, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Anything ever happen or a weird thing with your family or... Weird thing with my family. Something, anything about your entire life makes you different. Um... Okay, so I was out this weekend and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend and he stopped like this and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away. I thought that was pretty funny. That was insane. I can't believe I saw that in real life. That was ridiculous. What did you do? Uh, we looked at each other and laughed. We were like, has that ever worked for you or something? He's like 60-something years old in the club with like 25, you know, 30-year-old... I'm just appreciating it. Like, that's a compliment. Yeah. Is that how you hit all women? Sure. Yeah. He's got the look. He's got the look. That's my thing. Oh, God. Wow. You want to be on Secret Show? Can you keep a secret? No. Frank, fun times. Congratulations on getting pulled. There you go. There's a joke about Frank Kidd, everybody. There he goes, everyone. Frank Kidd. Well, we've been through so much tonight. I mean, how could we forget Colin Sledge starting it off with a great set and an awkward interview and then Juanita, being Juanita, the giant Mexican woman with the big head. And then there was the electrical energy of Pat O'Neill, the huge bombing of Olivia Cofflin talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner. It was Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac Cain Brown, Augie Lee, John Bechtel, Alex Tarno, Jackson Nami, who went from gay to straight, coming inside of a woman's body, and then he went to the place where a baby comes out of, a vagina, and it came inside of it to the point to where a baby will come out of the shit-stained vagina. Amazing to think that one day, we were in a place where we were in a place where we were in a place where we were in a place where we were in a place where we were in a shit-stained vagina. Amazing to think that one day, little baby Nami will come out of the shit-slide vagina. It's like, it's really tiny's internal monologue, I think, at all times. We've had so much fun with James, the Black Israelite is out on YouTube, Dave Landau's book, Party of One is out now. I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with only one man can do it. The Hall of Famer, who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show. Some people call him the Knift Nuisance, the Prince of Prize Picks, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Quick survey, who here has not seen the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler? Okay, spoiler alert, he rapes a lot of inmates, it's graphic. The sun has gone bad, I repeat, the sun has gone bad. That is the guy who's never seen Black people. If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything. In high school, Red Band was so racist, he got voted most likely to secede. Yeah, from the union. During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood. Okay, that's my time, Toda. Wow. Very interesting set. Accusing Red Band of racism when he was younger, that's an odd different maneuver. We've never seen this before. It makes sense. I had never seen his yearbook picture before. I actually got his yearbook from his mom. His mom sent me a bunch of... Wow. Shit in the mail, we're pin pals. Does his mom send you a lot of things? Yeah, I mean, all kinds of stuff. She did send me his old yearbooks. Because normally it's most likely to secede. Right, yeah, they said secede and he's wearing his fucking Stars and Bars shirt. It was really weird. I get it, he's in Ohio or whatever, but yeah, he's pretty racist. Wow. William, are you ever racist? What do you think about other people? No, oh my gosh, I try to take people as they are, Tony. I tried, but I'll be honest though, somebody, I can be racist against other redheaded people. Every now and again, I generally like to be the only redheaded person. You're starting this up again? You're starting shit with me once again? Tony's asking me what I feel racist against. I do feel racist against other redheaded people. Brother, we gotta stick together. We gotta stick together. We gotta do something for the community. Yeah, but I wanna be the only one when I'm in a room. I wanna be the only redheaded fucking person when I'm in a room. You don't feel that way? I don't care about it. That's weird. Is it? Yeah. We don't get any special powers or strengths. There's no redheaded advocacy group out there trying to get us an Oscar. Sounds like William. We require more anesthesia. That seems like a superpower to me, James. Is that true? Have you known that you had to use anesthesia? Only the women. It's a fun, it's only the women. What? Redheaded women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why. It's not fun and it's not funny, so I didn't really want to talk about it. But that happens to be a fact. It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out or, you know, black guys doing a marathon. That's true. There are certain anomalies with different skins and colors and blood types. I will say I once was under anesthetic for my adult circumcision and it was the best day of my life. How old were you during this circumcision? I was 30. You were 30 years old? Yeah. 30? Yeah. Okay, what happened there? Tell us about this. Have you ever had the rope on a hoodie too tight? Yeah. Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years. The doctors assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much. How many days did it take to heal? The circumcision? Yes. Ages. Man, I had to wear a condom in public. Really? As a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed penis. I like to lose the whole room right at the end of the show. That's what I'm all about, John. You've done so well up to this point. Tony, I have a condom on my penis right now. You do? People do that. Red-edited people walk around with condoms on their penis. Yeah, brother! Wow, what kind of condom is it? Ultra-ribbed. Wow. Wow. I can get at the gas station and I... What was the age of your circumcision? Huh? Circumcised at birth or 30? At birth. Very good. William, you got ultra-ribbed condoms at the gas station? Yeah, there's literally one on my dick right now. Wow. I kind of don't give a fuck anymore, dude. Checks and Nami would suck it right off. If you just stuck it through that curtain right now, I'm sure he would. Yeah, I can't believe you got a girl pregnant. What a stupid bitch to let that go. Beautiful. It's beautiful. Get her fucking ass pregnant. I'm so proud. That seems stupid. Yeah. What do you think he should name the AIDS baby? Isn't it solid? Maybe Dan. Dan could be a good name. William, what else did you get from the gas station? Oh, shit, Tony. I mean, the peanut butter Snickers, you know, I am eating those things, not stop, I'm drinking, uh... How do you feel? Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo. I'm fucking... My A1C's still fucked up, Tony. You're what? My A1C's still fucked up. I'm not doing good. You're what is fucked up? A1C. What is that? It's something in my blood. It's...the numbers are messed up still. Nothing I'm doing is working, Tony. Are you going to a, like, a normal doctor? It's a Chinese medicine place. They're the only people that take my insurance. He has this weird ass fucking Chinese... Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place? It's the only place that takes my insurance right now. And they jerk...and they jerk you off. You're bad news and a happy ending at the same time. What did they say your A1C is? You have too much hemoglobulin or whatever. Yes. Thank you, Red Bandit. I have a second. Our senior medical correspondent, Brian Red Bandit. It's a glucose issue. What did you just call it, Red Bandit? I was just thinking, that was, like, the stupidest thing you could have messed that up. Hemoglobulin. It's like, God, am I having a stroke right now? Am I fucking dying right now? Listening to this idiot person... I'll get a double-red with you right now. It's like, hemoglobulin open. Our senior medical correspondent... Hemoglobulin. Hemoglobulin. Hemoglobin. Alright. It's funny, because he looked it up and everything. It's just right there. It's written in big letters. Hemoglobulin. And he was so close. He hates Spider-Man. If only he could read. It's Hobgoblin. The Hobgoblin. It's Spider-Man's argynemesis, the hemoglobin. Hemoglobin A1C. Wow. What else did you get from the gas station, William? I got some twizzlers, don't ask! Wow! What else, William? God's a Gatorade! Don't ask! What flavor Gatorade did you get? Lemon ice. No, that's a fake name. I just get scared. When you put me on the spot like this, I get scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great, yeah. That's what happens. That's why it's a hit part of the show, William. It ain't easy. It ain't easy improvising every week. What else did you get from the gas station? Don't look at James. Don't... She eats sunglasses, Tony! Okay, I'm sweating now, Tony. It's not... It's okay. Seriously. You got sunglasses? Were they like the athletic kind or normal? Or like what kind of sunglasses? Like D-Madnesses? John Dees, perhaps? Were they like Matt Muelings? It looks like D-Madnesses glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs. It looks like his glasses can zap the bugs. D-Madnesses. It looks just like a... What else did you get from the gas station, William? Um... Lotto tickets, Tony! But it's so nice to be here, Tony. William, we love you so much. You are the best. He's done it again. Thank you to Nickton Prize Picks. How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody. Go to his YouTube, James Donald Forbes McCann. And watch the new special Black Israelite on YouTube. Anything else you want to say, James? I got a new single ad on Spotify! I got a new book of poems coming out. I'm doing five things badly! Wow! Incredible, James McCann. We love you. Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody. His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon. He's on tour, DaveLandau.com. It's all happening. Thank you, Dave. Anything else? That's it. Thank you for having me. Check out my show Normal World. Other than that, thank you all. DaveLandau.com. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It's a perfect drawing of James and Dave. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Timmy No Breaks, everybody. How about one more time for the best band in the land, huh? Red Band. Check out my fake band Cat Red 7 on Spotify, iTunes, and YouTube. We love you guys. Tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center New Year's Eve. Everybody says they can't get tickets to a Kill Tony. Now is everyone's official chance. One of the largest tapings of the show we've ever done, and the largest ever in Austin, Texas, only on New Year's Eve this year. We love you guys. We'll see you there. Thank you. Good night, everybody. All right. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. The only broke is Betway's Casino Ambassador, and for all new customers, steak 20 pounds and get 150 free spins. Download the Betway Casino app today. 18 plus T's and C's apply. Bet the responsible way. GambleAware.org