Writing & Stealing Jokes

Grab the unrivalled Samsung Galaxy S26 Ultra with an incredible privacy display on EE, the UK's best network. You can save £20 per month, plus claim a Samsung Galaxy Tab S10 Lite. Now we're talking. So get yours today. Offer ends 28th May. And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crossen and Robert Kelly. Yeah. Oh, Johnny Boy. Everything Irish is tragic. Alcoholic puss. That's right. That was my mother's nickname in high school. Alcoholic puss? Alcoholic puss. Nice. Oh, an alcoholic puss, Kelly. I like that. I suck it, bitch. I like the sound of that. It's the Bonfire. Faction Talks Series 6M103. I think Peanut M&M is the best little chocolate snack when you look at something, just a little chocolate. It's the best. Peanut M&M's pretty good. It's pretty goddamn good. Better than M&M, I'm not into. Peanut M&M. Regular M&M's boo. We got some. Okay. I already see. Let's take some of these calls because I'm going to let them tell us. Just so everybody know, if you're just tuning in. We're looking for premises. We're going, we're looking for premises. Me and Jay are doing New Joke Night, Monday night, Will Savins next Monday at the Pussycat Lounge. I never do spots in the city ever. Well, I mean weekends sometimes when I'm home. And you can call up and give us our premises. I'm going to pick three through a draft, 8669691969. Call up. And where's New Joke's upstairs room, right? Yeah, where your show is. Pussycat Lounge. Yeah, where my show is on Tuesdays. Right. Nice. And it was packed last night. You didn't go in, but it was, it was sold out. No. You walked into the room? I was just standing there looking at Will. And? Um, he said, why are you looking at me, Bobby Kelly? He didn't, he didn't acknowledge me. Why are you looking? He, he, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why are you standing there, Bobby? Now I'm going to warn you if it's New Joke, if Will hosted every weekend, every week he hosted. Every Monday night he hosted, yeah. He hosts New Joke Night. Yeah. Will's going to stay in that room and he's going to, he's going to want to back and forth with me. Yeah. Just so you know. He might even be on stage, come up on stage with you. It's possible. No, that was never our thing, but he'll be in the audience, but he'll want to talk. So I'm going to have to get, we're going to do three jokes a piece. Yeah. I'm going to have to be like, Will, let me get my jokes. Cause here's the thing. I don't want to, if it's New Joke Night, let's do his New Joke Night. Hey everyone. So I got a couple of new things here. I want to try and then start doing your jokes. Yeah. If I ingratiate them with talking with Will and the crowd and stuff. It's not going to be fair. It's not going to be fair because like, or anything if you did that, it wouldn't be fair because they're going to like it. You said a tone. That's almost the point of that kind of crowd work. You're setting a tone. They're going to like you and they'll work with you. You want to go, is this funny? Is this shitty joke I wrote this weekend funny? Right. Yeah. You want to go up and just go, all right, first joke. Okay. Here you go. I've got a couple of things here. Couple good ones. So we're taking, we're looking for premise ideas. Premise ideas. We're going to get a pool of premise ideas. Yes. Maybe 10, 12. Well, hopefully. And then we'll, no for sure. I mean, the lines are filling up, but they always do. The listeners are the best. The best. They wish we had guests. Except for that one guy who ratted us out to David. That one guy. But he, well, he loves us. Loves us, but he fucks us. He's just got an evil spirit inside of him that wants to hurt David. David Vox Mullen more than ever I wanted to. Never wanted to hurt him ever. Never. But we're going to take, we're going to get a bunch of suggestions and then we'll do a draft where me and Bob, you're going to be picking each other's topics. Yep. So if, just know if Marshmallows is the subject, it's probably going to come this way. 100% going your way. It's probably going to come my way. How do I plug in Marshmallows? Hot chocolabalus. And hot chocolabalus. Oh man, you guys got a fun show coming Thursday. I'll let you know that. Today's our double day show. And our Thursday early show was funny. Hey David, you should tune in Thursday if you're going to tune in at all. DVM, tune in. You want to see somebody go to work on somebody? You got off easy compared to Bobby. Dave, that one's for you buddy. We owe you. And then we're going to find me eating shit somewhere too. Ooh, I'm going to do that all the way. Not that you ate shit. That's not what I'm trying to say. That's not what we're saying. I'm going to stop talking. If you can be confidently not funny, you're still going to get away with it. That's what I'm saying about Monday night. I'm going to go up there. I'm going to be confidently not funny if I start yapping to the crowd first. Yeah, you don't want to do that. No. You don't want to use your 30 year skills. No. Yeah. Just, yeah. I wanted to use my one skill I never developed. Joke writing. Apparently after Thursday show, neither did I. Classic joke writing. All right. Let's take some of these calls, Bobby. What do you think? All right, let's go. You want to throw some darts, Lou? Yeah, let's go to Michael and Pennsylvania. What's up? You're on with the bonfire. Throw us a subject. Was that good? That was fantastic. Thank you. Hey, what's up, DJ? Not Dan. What's up, buddy? How are you? You don't have a shelf. Oh, we're hanging in there. Do you have a good idea for a joke we should do? Yes, absolutely. Roadhead in modern cars. Oh, I had a thing about that already. I had a thing about that. Oh, really? Yeah. The center console being so big and the ding ding when you unbuckle the seat belt? I didn't even think of the ding ding. No, my thing just goes with my, I don't know how I did it when I was a teenager. I did get it done to me when I was a teenager, but now there's no way that it could be done unless I was leaned back like a Puerto Rican gangster. There's no way that my belly isn't making her right ear lay on the horn the whole time. I do like the, he actually thought the joke got a little bit, he wrote some of it for you, the ding ding from the seat belt. Well, that's good. That's good concept. I'm gonna put it down, Bobby, because we can always throw this to you. Roadhead in modern cars. Suck my dick. Ding. He gave it to you. Oh my God, can you please click that? Can you please click your- I'll have another one too. Fire dude. Okay, so- I'm gonna take names of these. This is Michael from PA, Mike from PA. Yep. Do we have to announce that when we do the joke? This is from Michael in PA. No, we should let people know with the ones we picked, they should be able to get credit later on for what they did. At the end of the joke, if it does it good, we should go, that's from Michael in PA. From Michael in PA. Yes. Michael in PA says, do a joke about roadhead in modern cars. And here's my response. Hey people, have you ever gotten roadhead in modern cars? Stuck the joke. What else you got? All right, so the next one is the difference between, like you remember back in the day when you were with a girl and was like, hey, first base, second base, third base? Mm-hmm. So the difference between when you get older- And what the bases are. Yes, it all changes. Yeah, you just become the umpire and you just watch people just- More position becomes like second base, you know? In touch with Titty, you're probably going to get in there. I understand what you're saying. I like it. I like it. It's in there. We have those too from Michael in PA. All right, thank you, Mike. Good premise, Michael. Good premises. Thanks, guys. You think he's just warming us up till he's going to try his night of his own thing? Then we're going to see like joke thieves. Real nice. Who else you got? Who else you got for us there, Lou? Hey, let's try Fredo in Texas. Fredo. Fredo. I knew it was you, Fredo. Fredo, what's up, buddy? Yo. What's up, my man? What do you got? Throw us a couple of joke concepts here. Okay, so when I was young, we were always in the backyard hanging out and I was always wondering why my parents' keys, they were smelling their keys. I thought the keys smogged it and to me they just liked to smell the metal. But after that, they got all turned up and they got excited and in playing on that, um, they always, we never had a bank account, never had credit cards, but they always had cards on them and they always turned them out so they always had a compact and they always had credit cards. And same thing, every time they take them out, they go disappear together, but then they come back with their keys and a credit card. They never leave home without them, but we never had a car. Alright, our concept, Jacob did fall apart from that one. Fall apart. Good job, Fredo. I will say the concept we're doing here is not hitting the way we wanted to. We're looking for basic premise. These people are giving us constructed jokes about their family doing cocaine. Yeah, we need a premise like on the first one, like alligator farts. Having sex in modern cars. That was good. Roadhead in modern cars is a good thing. What was the other one he gave? That was the alright one too. A difference between the bases, young to old. Yeah, that was a good premise. We're looking for a premise. This was all worked out. Yeah, we don't want a flushed out joke. And I'm sorry about what your parents did in front of you. Yeah, that was... No work job, none of that was your fault. Nothing. Whatever happened, you wasn't your fault, Fredo. Don't blame yourself for that. So yeah, we're looking for more like exactly like going to the zoo with a kid. Yeah. Doing the thing. We're looking for more of the setup than the punch lines and stuff like that. We'll knock it down. That's the skill. Can we take your premise and spike that ball by Monday? Can we do it? Who we got low? No, I know what you say. How many million people do it on Kill Tony every Monday? Sure. But can me and Bobby do it once? Yeah, here's the thing. We're doing hours every weekend. We're always headlining. Can we go back to our roots? Can I go back to my roots and just go on here and just pop in and go, yo, here's some new thoughts. It's only my new thoughts. Not a set, not designed into a set. Go up. Hey guys, got a couple things here. I want to try out for you. Okay, how about this? Right. Exactly. What do you got? I got Mike. It seems to be another cokehead from Texas. Okay. What's up, Mike? Mike, what's up? Slow down. Hey, you know, Frato's parents sound like they party, so I'm down with that. Hell yeah, they did. My premise is just those rogue little ass nose hairs or beard hairs that get in your nose when you're just, no matter how fresh it is. Wait, say. The beard hair or nose hair? The beard hair, yeah. So like your mustache where it flips up in your nose and you just can't get rid of that shit. Okay. Okay, write that down. We both have moustaches. Moustache goes into nose. There you go. Mike in Texas. Okay. Do you got anything else? Or is that it, Mike? Simple. No, it's just simple. I'll let you guys, I'll let the pros in. Oh, we're gonna. Thank you. Oh, we're gonna. Thank you. Appreciate that. Mustache goes into nose. Love that. Okay. Who else we got? Dutch and Tampa. Good name. What's up, Dutch? All right. What's up, boys? Bobby, I'm sorry I missed you in Sarasota. I am too, Dutch. Where were you? I was at the cigar lounge waiting for you, brother. Sorry about that. My bad. That's all right, buddy. Next time. What is this? Dutch and Tampa? Yeah, I got two for you. Nice. One, running out of toilet paper in a public bathroom and possibly having to use a sock. Love it. Just alternative toilet paper. Alternative toilet paper. Where are you going with it? Alternative toilet paper. Been there. I'm going to say this. We also acknowledge me and Bobby. I don't know what you guys think. A lot of these things we've been given to us already are extraordinarily hack subjects. It's now our job to make, how do you take this, running out of toilet paper and you got a blah, blah, blah? Yeah. How do you bring that up to a professionally funny level? Right. And can we? Can we? We might not. I might just say the same thing. Like, what's with the grill marks on the airplane food? What is there? A little tiny grill up there? Am I supposed to think? There's a thing, too. A little TZ. The best part about this is that they film all these shows. Oh, that's right. We'll have film. I forgot. Yeah. Don't I have to like fill out some kind of like they can use it forever in perpetuity? No, you've actually filled that up by walking through the door. Nice. They scan your eyes at the company site. I love that. Yeah. Okay. Running out of TP. We got that one. Dutch, do you have a second one? I do, but I'm still worried about you calling me a hack and now I'm going to have to do it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dutch, Dutch. These are premises. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. Every subject's been covered. All right. Leave it to us. We're going to take your subject and bring it to another level. I'd expect nothing less. All right. The second one is returning food on a date. Okay. Damn. I kind of hope I get that one. Maybe you will. I kind of like that one, too. Yeah. That was a good, that's a great, that's a fucking great premise. That's a great one, Dutch. Good premise. That's not even hacky, even sort of. No, that's going to go into Jay's act. That's going to be his next hour. This could be my next, this is my one man show. He's going to have to pay you $50 for that joke. That's genuinely. It would probably be great if you did that in a dinner show, maybe in a diner somewhere in New Jersey. No any places. I do. Well, there's one place where we're performing a lot. It's coming around the pike pretty soon. It's a Greek diner. It's a Greek diner. Thank you, Dutch. Those are too good. Those were great. Thanks, Dutch. Those were great. One person just wants us to know that David Vox Mons responding to comments. I know. We know. We know. We know. We know. We know. We know. We're enjoying it. We want to try Don and Pittsburgh. Yeah. Don and the Berg. What's up, Don? Hey, hey, hey. What's up, buddy? It's a real honor to be talking to you guys, the legends. I got a good premise here. What's your premise? Fluence in the science. Fluence in the science in the house. Fluence in science here. I had recently heard that Cardi B is planning on removing her BBL. And I was thinking now something you could work with or maybe even throw it the fluence way, see where he goes with it. It's, we could. We could see one of us. That's another good one, Don. That's a great one. I got to give us another good one. Thank you very much, Don. Don and Pittsburgh. Cardi B removes BBC. I already got a thing on it. Or BBL, BBL, BBL. What's a BBC? Big Black Cock. Oh, Big Black Cock. Well, it's also the British Broadcasting, whatever. But more importantly, Big Black Cock. If it's typed into my computer. It's Big Black Cock. It's Big Black Cock. Yeah. If it's typed into Jacob's computer, it's the BBC. It's definitely the BBC. He's trying to find something. Something about ties and suspenders. It's like a take on the Titanic that hasn't been done yet. Yeah, they're doing a documentary on hound hunting. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Who else do we have here? Weas? Brother Weas in PA? Oh, Brother Weas. The Weas? Weas? Weas. Weas? What's going on, brothers? What's up, man? What's up, Weas? Weas in PA. Hey, man, I've been listening to you guys since day one, and you guys rocked. Oh, thank you so much, man. You got a joke premise for us? Here's the obvious. Uh-huh. A bunch of people calling in to give you jokes. It's meta. Jesus Christ. He's being meta. Right in front of us. It's right in front of us. We were walking by that penny, and we never went down to pick it up. In to give jokes. Nope. Never did. We were down the road. It's meta. This is one of those things. This is good, because this kid worked in an alternative room. Well, I don't know what they call those now, but like an alternative room where you can kind of go in there. They call those rooms. Oh, just rooms now. Yeah. Now you can just go in people, because that's where you go. It's like, dude, this is a joke I wrote by people calling in about the concept of people calling in to give me jokes, and they're just going to be like, whoa. Head to hell explode. This might involve the audience snapping and rhythm. This joke. I don't know yet. I'm just thinking out loud. It's definitely going to have- I'm brain-storping early. Clap-ter than laughter in this joke, which is fine. You'd be surprised how quick I could turn this into a fucking free Palestine message. Is that it? You blow minds. You blow minds. He says he's- Thank you, Weez. Weez. Weez. Weez. Weez. What's the next one more here? Let's take one more. We got Jerry. Jerry in Kansas. Jerry. Yeah. You're on the bonfire. What's up, Jerry? Hey, I really enjoyed you guys. Thank you. Thank you, my man. You got some joke premise for us? Yeah, that's what that was on a scale, and the police officer gets up on top of his truck at the clock to him, and he says, ow. Now you got to come up with the reasons. What? Wait. What? I didn't understand almost 100% of that. I didn't get it. Black Blue actor that he knew, but then he didn't know at all. Can you say it again, but slower and a different accent? That's the only accent I have. I try a white guy accent. This guy couldn't be whiter. Not your white guy, like New York white guy. Like a rich white guy from New York, like, hey, how are you? Like that. Anymer. Talk like a black guy, white guy. Hey, how are you? There you go. Now say it again. All right. A truck driver stops on a scale, and the police officer gets up on the side of his truck, and he says, ow. Now you come up with the reason why. I have a story for it. Okay. Don't tell us that. That would be next week. We're going to have to get the actual thing we write a joke about. Why does the police officer, I'm right, P.O. Uh, step up on truck, on truck, that's on scale. Truck is on the scale. Police officer steps up on the truck to check it. Officer says, ow. Officer says, ow. I get it. The police officer says, ow. I get it. Different type of joke. I get it. Says, ow. That's a challenge. That's a challenge. It's a bit of a riddle. It's a challenge, yes. I like that. I believe in you. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you, sir. Jerry, thank you. And you did a perfect. Black guy doing a white guy, by the way, really clear things up. I do know. My daughter was married to a black guy, so I think that's why. Oh, that's why you stay on that road trucking, dude. No kidding. That's why you stay on that road trucking. Oh my God. What are you going to do, sitting there and telling them to turn their music down every single night? No way, dude. You know what they're doing in that room. They never have a daughter. That's the ideal. Oh, yeah. They never have a daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I had a daughter. I just, I ran away from her life when she was 12. So I never had to worry about those things. I was just mis-mined, so that was the problem. Oh, boring. Thank you, Jerry. Thanks, buddy. Can I tell you a story, please? Sure. I was in St. Louis delivering the X-ray machine at the airport one time. A what machine? X-ray. A beautiful woman I've ever seen. I forgot. I forgot. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Thank you, Jerry. I'm going to walk out of the airport with a very well-groomed standard poodle. Okay. So she's high-end. Your dog's high-end. I'm standing there with a police officer. She walks right over to the grass and lets the dog crap in a paper towel in her hand. Ooh. And the dog was looking back at her like, what in the heck are you doing? Oh, I feel like the dog is aware that she does this all the time. Yeah. I did it with the craziest thing I've ever seen. It's caught in a paper towel. What did she do with it, though? Did she eat it? Or did she wrap it up and throw it? She did sniff it a little bit. I don't know what that all is about. Oh, man. She's into some sick shit. She's so sick. Those rich people are into some sick shit. I bet that goes back to the Epstein files. Oh, a P-ditty. Or at least P-ditty. Yeah, P-ditty, paid her. That very least the punishment. Take that. Take that. Take that. Thank you so much, Jerry. I have my stand up put a shit in her napkin and smith it. Yo, shit my poop. It's the only way I come. Yo, I have to hire a male motherfucking stripper to come over here and dookie my girl's paper towel hand. Give me a favor. I want you to take the dog down and say, have a shit in her paper towel in front of the cop. Damn. And then sniff it. If the girl lets you shit in her hand that she's got a paper towel in, she loves you. Yeah. For sure. She loves that dog. Grab the unrivaled Samsung Galaxy S26 Ultra with an incredible privacy display on EE, the UK's best network. You can save £20 per month plus claim a Samsung Galaxy Tab S10 Lite. Now we're talking. So get yours today. Offer ends 28th of May. Saving on minimum 24 months, 125 GB by airtime plan. Eligibility, credit check in terms of supply, credit by EE Limited. Claim from Samsung within 30 days of purchase. Verify best network at EE.caddy.caddy.claims. Here's what we got so far, Bobby. Yes. We have mustaches goes into nose. There's a premise. Okay. Running out of toilet paper and alternatives for that. I like that one. Running out of toilet paper in a public place. Yes. Which matters. Sure. Returning food on a date. So good. That's okay. Returning food on a date. The very meta idea that people are calling in to give us jokes and then we will be in fact doing a joke about people calling in to give us jokes. So it's people calling in to tell us... The joke itself will be about people calling in to give us jokes. When this joke in fact will be the joke you wrote. It's like one of those like... It's like when someone takes a picture of someone looking in a mirror, there's a thousand of you in that picture. It never ends. And it got the whole world laughing. It's still my favorite thing ever, the weirdest when the guy on... Was it Australia's Got Talent? They came out with the big teeth and like he... I guess he stole jokes. The first...he did one of the first We Can Killed. And then they finally he stole jokes like before the next episode came out. And when he came out the next episode he got the game...you know he moved on so they couldn't disqualify him. So then he comes out. They should have actually disqualified him. But they instead let him come out and try again. And he goes out and he did instead of doing...he did like two or three jokes, bombed. And then did a full stage production of I Started a Joke. And sang the whole song with the background singers and everything. It's...fucking crazy. You never seen that? No. Do you have that Christine? It's so worth it while I talk about these. I'm gonna assign you one of these. Well, can we go through them all first? Oh yes, I'm sorry. I thought we did. My apologies, you're right. Why...we have the riddle of why would the police officer who jumps up on the truck that's on the scale at the way station for truckers cop jumps up on the truck says ow. Why? Yeah, we have a...oh, Roadhead in the modern era. Roadhead in the modern cars. Difference between the sex bases from young to old, what they were when you were young to what they should be now. Difference between the sex bases between now... And when you were young. When we were young. You're kidding, yeah. Cardi B removes her BBL. Cardi B removes her BBL. That's what we heard so far. Not her B...B...B.C. Not her BBC. What do you say it removes her BBL? Is that an implant or... No, that's... They just raise your ass. They take out all the fat. It's all fat they put in it. Whatever they put in it. So what, they put her fat in it? Well, it depends if they got implants or if they got like just like that fat injection shit. So if she removes it, she's either getting fat sucked out or silicone...some balloon taking out. Some kind of thing, something, yeah. She's getting something taken out, maybe. But therein lies the ha ha. Also, maybe this isn't true at all. That's right. Right. Therein lies the... She's going further procedures to remove her remaining but injections and implants. Okay. There you go. She's had to fix some issues from past illegal biopolymer silicone injections. Good, good, good. That's permanent. Yeah. I know. How about the people when it's like... Do you know people who got like a BBL and it's like, they put cement in my ass. Like cement. It's crazy. It's crazy. You just come out of that and you go, if they're a week you go, I don't think this is right. I think this is cement. Why don't you think it's right? I don't know, man. Because like local kids keep coming by and putting hand prints in there and they just stay. I just watched... There's a documentary coming out on penis enlargement. Girth only. Girth only. Yeah. I bet you are. But there's two versions that you can do. You can either get some... It's kind of something acid that they put in, make your lips blow up. It's the same thing. They'll make your dick widen. Really? Widen out. That's the safest one. That's the safest one. That's the safest one. You have to do like multiple treatments. The acid is the safest one. That's the safest one because it dissipates. Okay. It's a filler, natural filler that goes away. You'll go away. Your dick will be fatter for a little bit. Yes. You have to keep maintaining it. This is like when you meet a new girl. There are guys, they said that a lot of them, they're already huge. They're just, they're crazy. They won't quit. A lot of them are going broke doing this. They just can't stop widening out their penis. A lot of girls do this. Well, it's only going to get so wide, but you'll get to your maximum possible width. Well, what they do is they give you, they actually make you keep holding bigger sized dildos or something like that to say, this is what I want my penis to be. And then the doctor says, well, that's going to be seven procedures or seven injections. Well, can't they just make something up that actually makes a vagina smaller and tighter? Yes. They're big disgusting pussies that make my wiener feel small. Yeah. Can they just make that tighten up? Can they get like a- Can it be their fault? Can they get the stuff you put under your eyes to make the bags go away? Just rub it inside of a pussy so it tightens up. Yeah. We already make them get abortions and shit. Like, can't you just deal with all of it and shut up already? Yeah. Their body, their choice. Yeah. I think you can get your pussy tight. But your body, your choice is just enough, shut up and make your pussy tight. Yeah, man. You can get your pussy tightened, I think. Really? How? How'd you get your pussy tight? Vaginal rejuvenation, they call it. Yeah. You can tighten your puss. It's in the Godfather book. I don't read the book. I saw the movie. But anyway, the second version of that is- You knew I didn't know that you were asshole. He knew we both did that. No, I said that before. I don't like the way he's there. He goes, you know that? No, I wouldn't. No, you know I didn't get jerk off. You knew both of us didn't read the fucking Godfather book. That make you feel good? Yeah, you feel good now? You feel like a big man, Mr. fucking US soccer team? Yeah, Mr. fucking, we're not good enough to talk to ladies. The movie's much better. Okay. You're fine. But the other version is silicone and it's permanent. Silicone injections. But the problem is the silicone moves with time. So they end up like having a lot of them, it just clumps into like a pyramid at the head of the penis. And it just looks like mangled. Oh yeah. And they end up having to have surgery and some of them can't be fixed. So it's a silicone injection. The permanent version is silicone. And then your head turns into a pyramid? All the silicone travels. It all falls at the bottom. It's just like because your penis is down so it just, all the silicone just drops to the head of your penis. So you have like one of those, like you know those monkeys with the big long noses, like one of those dicks? Like a monkey nose dick? Like a monkey nose dick? Worse, I think. Really? Yeah. You never saw those monkeys with the big dick noses? Mm-mm. Well, all right. Big monkey dick noses? You never saw the big monkey dick noses? Thought you were a documentary guy. Yeah, I thought you were into that stuff. I thought you were a nature. I thought you were a documentary. Oh, I thought you were a nature guy. If it's not written, you don't check it out. I thought you were a nature guy. Yeah. There you go. I thought you knew about nature. What is this? Is this their dicks with the thing with the silicone in it? Is that what it is? No, this is with the acid fillers. Oh, God. I'm going for hyaluronic acid. But do you have to have those lumps on your dick? I don't know. What's the girth change? It changes a lot of things. The more you do it, the thicker it gets. Could have fucked your bone or up? I don't think so. They said it's the safest one. I don't like girth. That doesn't look good. Yeah, it looks like a missile dick. Yeah, I don't want. Yeah, that's the problem. I don't want to make my fucking, my shaft to get much thicker than my dickhead. My dickhead doesn't get thicker. Last time I said we're looking at pictures. The guy's already got a big piece. Yeah, the guy had a solid dick. I don't think you can get your dickhead bigger. I think your dickhead is, the cake is baked. I think the dick part is flexible. Possibly, but that's what I'm saying. So I don't, then I definitely would not want substantial girth change. First of all, that guy's dick right there was perfect, may I say. He's got a fantastic dick. Fantastic dick, and then he ruined it. Now it looks like... That's what they said. Most of them already have a large penis. Now he has a water balloon dick. Yeah, but now it's ugly. Yeah, it's an ugly dick. That guy shouldn't have done that. Is there another example? Oh, God. It just looks odd. I only want foreskin dicks, please. All right, now here you go. Now this guy did the, what's the difference there, though? This is girth difference. Sorry, it keeps jumping from that. No. Where'd he go? Where's this guy's thickness? That's a, I don't know if you can, if there's pictures of the mangled ones, but apparently it's disgusting. Let's see. He had a 4.7. I hate this site. I hate it too. Well, anyway. I mean, it can go like, okay. All right, we're good. Two inch difference. The mangled took me to like a surgery thing. I'm trying to find just a, I think like that. Oh, God. What's one is that? Where the silicone all goes into the head. Get that out of here. Get that out of here. It's disgusting. Yeah. I don't want to see it. No. No. Why are you scrolling? I hate it. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. They talked about why I'm scrolling. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Fuck. They talked about one guy apparently. He lost his entire family. He just kept going for injections. He had no money. They couldn't afford food. But he kept going for injections, lost their house. That looks good. Went back, had to move back with an ex-girlfriend and then move back with his mom. And he still goes back for an injection. So you get addicted to it. I want this in theory, but I gotta be honest, none of them look good. You get addicted to it. Nice. I think the thing is to stop. Like one or one might be alright. Well, let's, Jay, we gotta pick these jokes right now. No, we don't. We have another day tomorrow. We can get more suggestions. I'm not coming in tomorrow. Oh. I'm gonna work on my jokes all day. Shit. Well, I'll tell them to you when we get to more tomorrow. Yeah, we should gather some more of these. I know we gotta go in a second. But I did tell you I wanted you to see this guy just bail on his set when he got called for... Did they call him? Did they catch him? Did they inform people that he... It was like whatever fucking stupid Australia is like Australia tonight. The guy who just got passed through the first round of... What was the joke, Thief? You know, Australia's got talent. What was the joke, Thief? And they say who he stole it from. I forget. I know the other guy's name, though. I've heard the name. The other person, I forget who it was. They say... Lee Mack and Jeff Keith. Lee Mack. That's what they go up. Yeah. Alright, let me see this guy. Should we go from the beginning or when he... Get his shitty jokes. This is the feeding stuff, right? I've only got three requirements when it comes to girls. Number one, are you a girl? Number two, have you always been a girl? And number three, if not, can you keep a secret? I mean, like, it's one of these ones again, it's like the people saying that like Schumer was stealing Patrice's saying dirty Sanchez. This joke is the why the musicians always ask you to sing it. Like, I'm paying you, you sing the fucking song. That's the joke. But that's what he's doing right here. She did steal it. Bobby, that's where you clap, you son of a bitch. Now go to the next one. I just can't... He was so nervous his teeth were dry. You could hear his teeth slapping. Did you hear it? Well, he was stealing jokes. And then it became a whole... What? It's not great quality. Let me hear it. What is? Oh, it's... The audio's okay. This is him the next week. So this is when he comes out. Yeah, they already talked about the... I'm sorry, what's the set up here? So this guy... So this guy, that first set he kills on Australia's Got Talent. I did set this up though. He bombs... I was listening. I was typing then, I'm sorry. It is my fault. He bombs on the first week, I'm sorry, he kills in the first week. Without those jokes. And then they find out after the show's over and it goes like, you know, that comes out on TV that it's stolen jokes. He gets called for it by a bunch of people and he doesn't even really argue it. He kind of just goes like, alright, so he comes back on with his own jokes to try to do a thing. This is what he decided to do. Okay. We went through this years ago. His fucking hair is amazing. Oh yeah. We got super handsome. That's why he thought he could do this. Yeah. But this is the douchiest thing ever and it really is you're watching a handsome guy like really eat shit hard. Okay. This is the second time today we watch a handsome guy eat shit. Well the truth is, I just sacked my two riders. Coffee in pace. So now my comedy career looks like it's over. I'm going to have to be doing Colgate commercials for the rest of my life. Can you hear his fucking teeth? Can you? I hear his tonsils throbbing. Sounds like his teeth are going to come out. This guy, take a sip of water you dry mouth fucking Aussie. I'm getting there. I'm so nervous. Wow. That actually, that also, that is funnier they're giving that. He a little. Like his acknowledgement jokes of it have been like they're just like, this guy walked out and the whole country hates him. Yeah. And you have to go out there and try comedy. He was dumb. He should have just been like, I'm going underground forever. You'll never hear from me again. Goodbye. Or flat out say you didn't steal it. Just go to your deathbed lying and say you didn't do it. Cause this, there's no way we got to, you know what? Follow up early show tomorrow. Does Jordan Paris still work? Where is Jordan Paris now? That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. I bet he does. Maybe. I bet he's a huge star in Australia. But watch the end of this real quick. Oh shit. God. I hope they don't have these X's on Monday. By the way, what's so funny is when you see what he does right here. Yeah. If they would have X them, it wouldn't have happened. But they didn't. Well, they didn't give them the third X. I mean, it's so cringe. Bom bom bom bom bom. Here Jordan sings a cheeky song that we don't have the rights to. Sorry campers. Oh my God. Australia sucks. This is so uncomfortable. No one on America's Got Talent has ever done anything this memorable ever. That's it. That's it. His career's over. Well, we don't know that yet. That's right. We don't know that yet. We're going to find out tomorrow. To be determined. I bet he's a just for laughs. I started a joke. I looked it up. Do you want to know? No. No, no, no, no. No. We're digging deep. Tomorrow we dig deep, Jordan Paris. And by the way, you guys can reach out and tell them we're making fun of them. That don't matter. He's an Australian. Fuck him. Fuck him. Bobby Kelly. And do me a favor though real quick. If anybody could find Big J's comedy on Comic View or anything Canadian, anything Canadian, anything terrible, please, please find it and send it. Oh, I may have eaten shit. I don't remember. I don't remember like not feeling it went great, but it just wasn't the worst of everybody when I did not the world stands up, the Rotterdam TV show. Oh, yeah. You'll. I know what you're talking about. I did it. We did it together. No. Didn't we? No. Me and Tony Woods? No. Oh, yeah. No, no, I did it with the Rose and stuff. Mine. The Rose was bombing so bad on that when I told you when they, when someone realized they were on camera in the audience, they looked at the camera light and then just grabbed an empty glass and drank it. I hope nobody finds my Rotterdam one either. Oh. I think I was wearing the same shirt I was wearing. No, I knew York. I think I was wearing that. New York shirt. Hell yeah. That was my stage shirt. Bobby's gonna be at Comics Roadhouse April 17th and 18th. Let's not forget this Thursday. Oh, that's right. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. My apologies. You can catch them in Cleveland, Ohio, Uncle Vinnie's in New Jersey, New Orleans and so many more at punchup.live slash Robert Kelly, his YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy and every Tuesday night, 7 p.m. the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge right at the Comedy Soda. But I will be at the Roadhouse the 17th and the 18th. Yes. I will be there. And Big J, this weekend, Comedy on State, Best Club, one of the best clubs in the country and the world. This weekend, 19th through the 21st. After that, he'll be in Phoenix Tempe, St. Louis for all tickets and tour dates. Go to bigjaycomedy.com and go to his YouTube page, youtube.com slash at big J. Ocasin. This crazy train, Irish. That's it, baby. Happy St. Patty's Day, everybody. Happy St. Patty's Day. Go get drunk. I'm God. I'll let you try my Wu Tang style. You should have got a shot at Moscow, bro. I was sober, so I can't. You don't drink? No, I don't, but I will if you want me to. If you put me in Wu Tang. If you say so, yes. I can beat box. Yeah. Come on. Say it out, yo. In the building. In the motherfucking building. We in the motherfucking building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We in the motherfucking building. In the motherfucking building. Oh, fuck it. Fuck it. Well, that was a dream come true. I gotta go. I'm leaving. I'm quitting everything. Keep it going. In the motherfucking building. We in the motherfucking building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck it. We in the motherfucking building. In the motherfucking building. What? Let's keep it rolling and shit. Keep it going. Shit. Fuck it. That's my time, everybody. I haven't beat you. You're great. Woo! I'm making all the lobes. Screwing all your mom. Send her for the soul. It's time for... My video. Gather around the wire. Go ahead and watch the fire. Get your ass ready for the bonfire. It's like a joke. Sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep going on there. 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