A Freshly-Peeled Lease on Life with Trixie and Katya

This episode is sponsored by Bombas. People keep asking me about my 2026 resolutions. They expect something heroic like reading a book, discovering a cure for the common cold, or finally learning how to crochet with my feet. But this year I have crowned a new monarch of goals. Get comfy. Not a little comfy, I'm talking transcendent. That is where Bombas enters. Riding on a velvet cloud of socks, underwear, and deeply supportive vibes. The all-new Bombas sports socks are engineered for running, golf, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, and myriad other types of athletic engagements. And the Friday sandal made with lightweight EVA is perfect for quick errands and dramatic grocery store entrances on Sunset Boulevard. Head over to bombas.com slash bald and use code bald for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash bald, code bald at checkout. We are very excited to announce that our very bald and very beautiful podcast tour is almost sold out for spring. I'm excited. We're not doing that many dates and my New Year's resolution is quality over quantity. And we're doing it. We're doing it. Can you believe we had to add a second show to Boston and Toronto? Queen. We sure did. So you Bostonians in Toronto in Toronto tights or whatever the you call yourselves, you better get some tickets. Yeah. Snatch them up. We do have a few seats left for some of these cities and we are not doing that many of these this year. It's going to be hot. it's going to be exclusive it's going to be fabulous tickets available now at TrixieandKati.com Queen A tu un cigarette we're talking about Maria Bamford Maria Bamford is probably you know I was just talking to my friend Mallory who introduced me on the way on the way here I was talking to Mallory she introduced me to Maria Bamford special special special special special I could not believe it was like I could not believe it. Her parents like politely laughing the whole time. It was crazy. That is what inspired when I did the one night only during like COVID times. Yeah. It was so, so brilliant. And she's so, she's like the best comedian. She's amazing. And you know, have you ever listened to Dana Gould? I think so. I feel like they have a similar, if you ever in a grocery store of comics, they'd be in the same aisle. Gotcha. Let's say. Yeah. He's so funny too. It's so absurd and wild. And, um, love Maria. And that work mix that I do, that like nine to five, she returned from the money mix. There's a bunch of Maria in there because she has all those sections about work. Oh, okay. Like for example. I really like the way your peach poly weave sweats comes up over the edge of your, that one. I know that one. Why don't you come into my cubicle? I got that one in there and I got girlfriend. Hey, hey. There's going to be a really fun party tonight and it's going to be some really cute guys. You're going to meet at the door, park their cars, take their coats and speak only when spoken to. Yes. Yes. I have her because I was like, she's that, she talks so much about like work. I was like, I got to put her in here. And her voice, like for a gay bar environment, cuts through because she has kind of like that high frequency voice. Maria? Yes. Yeah. So like in a mix, she just cuts through everything. Oh, totally. It's great. Maria, if you ever want to quit standup, you should just do voiceover for drag queen lip syncs. How about that? Well, she also does voiceover for like a million cartoons. Yes, she does. Love Maria. Shout out to Maria. I had to show my friends. You never lift up women. This is huge. Hard left? Rebrand? I pivoted from total misogyny. I think 2026 is about, not feminism. Certainly not. You're going to support her, but you're going to call her like Marina Bradford or something. Marina Bradford. And then I'm going to send her a death threat or something. Right. Yeah, I'm going to, no. No, I had to listen to the Paula Deen suicide note recipe. Oh, it's so good. It's just so good. And then I had to listen to ladies, ladies, when we're dating, we have a system. We do. We have a system. We do. And it's just the, her, oh God, her like. I can't feel my hands. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I'm empty inside. I can't feel my hands. The one is. I also love when she's saying, or the land of the free, I'm trapped. Love that shit. What is that? Unwanted thoughts. Yeah. Unwanted thoughts. The one with her dogs on the front. Yeah, it's called Roadshow at the end. And it's so funny. She's like- Did you like 20%? Yeah, I love everything. That's the one at the end when she sings. Saturation point. When she talks about fighting with her husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked Old Baby. Love Old Baby. Lady Dynamite was- I cannot believe Lady Dynamite was made. That show was bananas. I think that was the last thing Netflix took a chance on. I mean, that lovingly. It was like the last truly out there piece. Yeah. Now they're doing Bone Lake. I wish, if it was up to me, Netflix would become, you would say Lady Dynamite. And that's all we get. Yeah. Yeah. It would be like, ladies? Netflix is, I think this is open to everyone's news. Netflix is opening pods on the platform. Like Sarko Death Pods? Like how you might watch Bald and the Beautiful on YouTube. You're not going to be able to watch, let's say, Caleb Heron's show if he signs with Netflix. You'll be able to watch it on the app. Oh. Right? We got any money? I think it's in the trades. By the trades, I mean something that people screenshot me and send me. Gotcha. Do we get money? No, we're not on it. Great. Our show is free range. Does Gia Gunn have a family of other guns? Is she pro-gun? This is my daughter, Confetti, and my sister, Water. You know what I mean? My daughter, this is my brother, Glock, and my sister, AR-15. This is my son, 10 millimeter. Desert Eagle. Desert Eagle, what's that? 50 caliber handgun. Oh. We got new headphones. Beretta. That's a girl's name. In what neighborhood, girl? The gun neighborhood. I'm talking about guns. Oh, it's a Beretta gun. It's a Beretta. Confetti gun. Water gun. Squirt gun. Oh, James gun. Gia Gun's porn studio squirt gun. Hell yeah. You ready for squirt gun? The dolls are the dolls. The dolls are wet. I see that bitch on TikTok Live all the time. Okay, I don't go on TikTok. Is she shaking her titties and showing her pussy? no she always looks great she's got the good front lighting she really is quite beautiful and she just talks to what i perceive to be other people on live they just talk i did uh catch a glimpse of maybe i'm remembering this wrong but she was asked which do you like better me or you and then she said i like them both equally oh you know i like her too i like her too she's i mean she's iconic she's iconic i cannot believe i mean i'll never forget her looking over to me the non sequitur. Do you believe in milk and cookies? Maybe it wasn't non sequitur. Maybe you don't know what it means. Is that a street drug? No. It was apropos of nothing. We were silent in the taxi for like five minutes. She's like, do you believe in milk and cookies? It was just like, what? You said, let's take a break. And you just got out of the car on the freeway. I just dropped and rolled in Brazil. We need to normalize jumping out of cars on the freeway. let's have that conversation hope this helps yeah drag isn't dangerous well getting dragged is dangerous dragged by a semi ooh that's not wait I have a snack a what? okay or the land wait this is the greatest job in the world in the greatest country in the world oh say can you see Pop rocks? No, no, no. So, this is not an ad. This is not a paid ad. This is not a paid ad. We do ads with Thrive, right? They send fabulous snacks. This is so delicious. Okay, I can't wait. All natural and 50 calories. I tried it last night and I was like... What is it? Okay, they're called Organic Fruit Circles Super Sunny Strawberry made with mango, apple, strawberry, and natural flavors. Peel and eat fruit leather. Don't let that... My mouth is watering. Just open it and try one. My mouth is watering. The whole pack is 50 calories. That is not a selling point for me. I wish it was 500 calories. Well, those of us who, on a molecular level, are living hoarders buried alive, we need to operate in a calorie deficit. Just get your nails done. It's really funny to walk around and tell people you just get your nails done and you didn't. They're still wet and they're dirty. I literally brought this from home for you to try Okay, so it kind of unrolls But it's good, girl They're delicious For the listeners on the 101, this looks like a sheet of Dookies No, it looks like condoms It looks like shit condoms that they sell in Germany It's all natural RFK doesn't want us putting color in stuff Pretty good, right? I mean, it's health food You don't like it? I don't want to chew because they'll get mad at me. Oh. The verdict? Love it. They're good, right? Yeah. I'll take half. Oh, my God. I'll take half of those. Yeah. I tried it last night. It's Body of Christ. Body of Christ. I just love it. There could be, oh, my God, this could be so much. You could have a lot of fun with these. A lot of fun with these. I was just in shock. Body of Christ. You could do communion role play. You could also do... Barely any sugars. Coins over the eyes. All natural. All the ingredients are just fruit. Yeah. Anyway, you know, Thrive Market, I don't know. Not enough in here. Well, they're 50 calories. They're for people trying to, you know, kind of snack on the safe side. And, you know, for somebody like me, I'm going to be snacking. So this is needle exchange. This is harm reduction. This is just anything to keep me off the straights. You know what I mean? because when I take that edible and walk into my kitchen, it's a wrap. It's, I want the world. I want the whole world. He's got the whole kitchen in his mouth. It's Willy Wonka, if it was Gene Wilder, and it was only one child and that child was a fat cunt. That's me snacking, okay? You don't make a lot of snackrifices in your life, do you? Girl, I'd be snackrificing left and right, okay? Wait, wait, wait. I got to tell you about something. I got to tell you about something. I got to tell you about something that I love. Okay. It's a movie. Have you seen Predator Badlands? I hope we didn't talk about this. Please tell me we didn't talk about this. Predator Badlands. Predator. So Predator. You're familiar with the Predator franchise. Oh. I'm trapped. Wait, what did she say when she's like, I'm empty inside. Wait, no, it's something. I don't feel good. Oh, yeah. I don't feel good. Yeah, it's like. I'm empty inside. I'm a husk. I can't feel my hands. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's like men are from Mars, women are from. Whatever. Who cares? Okay. Oh, yeah. It's like men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I don't feel good. Yeah. Men are from Mars and women want their penis. I don't. Am I right? I don't feel good or something like that. That's what it is. Yes. She's so damn good. She's really great. Again, I'm going to say it again. Say it again. If you haven't watched any of her specials, go do it now. Especially Roadshow. Just look it up on iTunes or Spotify or whatever. And you will get your life. She came to one of my shows in Ireland or something. It was my first show back after COVID. Hadn't been in drag on stage since beginning of COVID. Because I didn't do car stand-up. Remember when all the comics were at the parking lots? Well, we saw that drag show. Do you know what I think it was probably like? It was probably like doing a show for Stephen King Christine. like all these cars as people? Pixar cars? Do you know what I mean? I don't. The cars were the people in the audience. And like, I think when there was laughter, they like flashed the lights or hung out the horns. I don't know what they did. They weren't on the roofs of the car? They were inside the car like a drive-in. They were in the cars. No, that's not for me. I'm not good. I've been to a drive-in. I went to a double feature of Silence of Lambs and then Red Dragon. Oh. And I saw Alaska there. This was like a few years ago. And I learned that sitting in a car wasn't for me. Well, it depends on what kind of car you got. Because we can sit at home. We sure can. But then you're part of an outside automotive community. But we're not outside the car. And also, is this Pleasantville and we're necking? Yeah. Who's jerking off? You got to have someone to neck. You got to have tons of snacks in the trunk. You got to have like a huge bottle of whiskey. And then you got to do some crime. Right. and it was a huge line for food and that really is hard for me too you can load up that trunk with snacks I want to cut the line at any food place and turn to the whole line and go I'm hungry yeah like if I don't eat I'll die do you want blood in your hands went to my rheumatologist yesterday she goes gained a little weight and I hadn't remind me what rheumatology is again I think it's the study of immune systems oh okay I think I don't know it's not awful I go to see her all the time Don't even know what she does Autoimmune conditions Like arthritis She was like, you put on a little weight? I was like But she was like I feel like when you She was like, didn't you start out You were like 170 Yeah, when I first came here When I was very ill And then time has elapsed She didn't mean it shady But my ears can't hear that Right. What's the, what's the unalive version of that? Like you don't say kill, just say unalive. You fat. So you're less light. Um, so, uh, so you blow up your fatty. No, no, no, no. Oh, um, so you, um, oh, I see what you mean. So you less small No What like the euphemism Oh gosh So I don know It like so there were pounds that were added So things are different now. Things are different now. Things are different now. So I'm experimenting with a different shape. Right. Yeah. You're kind of one of those suitcases where there's that second zipper where it can expand. That's me, baby. Do you know the Goodyear blimp? Yeah. That's kind of like you. No. Do you really feel? Well, I mean. No. No. I think you look great, but that doesn't. Thank you. That's not what I was fishing for. That's all that matters. 2026. We're not going to have adversarial relationships with our own bodies. Get over it. Not get over it, but get over it. No, get over it. Yeah, get over it. Stop the insanity. Get over it. Grease up a watermelon. Throw it in the pool. Same as the deers. Okay, predators. Mary. What's going on? Andrew's best friend, Elle Fanning. so um this motherfucker this bitch this woman excuse me this lovely young lady she yanked this off so bad so the the movie takes place um it stars a predator so it's the first kind of like one of these movies that takes like the the main character is an actual predator he's not the villain so it starts off on the the predator's planet crazy things going on like the dad is trying to kill him and because they call their weak so they fight and they, you know, if you're weak, you get killed. Oh yeah, vicious. Is this like part of the Predator franchise? Okay, I watched the Native American one. Prey. I watched that. Do you love it? I loved it. I loved it. I had no idea it was going to be a Predator movie. Yeah, me neither. This is the same director, I think. Could you look in the camera and say that you love Predator? I love Predators, especially the movies, not sexual. So anyways, Mary, the world building, the VFX, like, and Al Fanning plays a synthetic robot. Queen. I fucking love Al Fanning, though. Girl, Miss Fanning takes this role and she just wraps it around everybody's testes until they turn blue and then she kicks them. I'm so fucking wet for her in Hunger Games. She's playing a young Effie Trinket. Fabulous. We'll get this. Why have one who can you have two twice the price? She plays two synths in this one. Thea and Tessa. And one of them is the first one. She's only got half a body, a torso for most of the first part of the movie. And the Predator carries her around like a backpack. Cunty. Because she knows how to like he crash lands on this planet that is so fucking dangerous. Mary, it's so stressful. Every moment someone's trying to kill him. It's called Predator... How do I look it up at home? Predator what? Predator Badlands. Badlands. Okay, I'm going to watch it. Mary, it is pulse-pounding action from start to finish, and I cried. Oh, great. Once we get into... Because Thea... So her name is Thea, the synth, and Elle Fanning is like, oh, you know, Tessa, she's going to come back for me. She's hoping she's not dead. But she gets reprogrammed, and she turns a little evil, and ooh, girl. She like does the parent trap acting with herself thing and it's cunty. I can't believe that. This is how you know I'm not a real actor. She's, what do you mean? Like, when people play a twin and talk to themselves, the way I could never. I can barely learn lines for one person. You absolutely could. You just do Swedish. Oh my god, one of my dreams. When we were doing Tricks and Cuddy Alive, one of my dreams was to do a swap night where we do each other's parts. Could we try it right now? No, I don't remember any of it. I don't think I do either. Yeah. No, wait. I'd be like, well, we're doing a good job already. No, no, no, no. Hello. Killed it. Really killed it. That's you at the beginning. Yeah, that is me. Yes. Welcome to the Trixie and Katya something, something spectacular. Oh, and then somebody, then you get the card. Yeah. Oh, welcome to the, to the poopy and the peepee and the, yeah. It's sad. Has-beens, we're has-beens. Never worse. They got to keep us off the road. I just listened to this pod, our pod today, and I was saying, I miss doing that tour. And everyone in this room booed me. We booed you out of the room. And I was in the car going, shut up. Like I was like, what are you talking about? She's having a food. Faggot, sit in your chair, talk to your friend and go home. Faggot. Put your fucking lobster bib on and just crack those shells. The plastic lobster bibs. I say, let's get cracking. That's sick. And you know what they'd be calling crayfish? Mudbugs. Is that right? Mudbugs. Crawdads. Crawdad buds. I think in the South they call them mud bugs. That's disgusting. That is truly vile. Well, they should call them lobsters. They should call them water rats. Do you like, you know, even living in Boston, you didn't do like. No. I mean, I tried. Do you like shrimp? Nope. I don't like any seafood. Seafood is sick. I think seafood is mostly disgusting. I will fuck with a lovely prepared salmon though. And also, how much of the world is water? Leave them alone. We don't need to be eating them. Wait, is that xenophobic? It's not xenophobic. It's just that many cultures do rely on countries and stuff. But also I'm a vegetarian. So I'm like, leave all the animals alone. Yeah. Eat the fruit leather. Give me those brown dots. Give me my brown dots. Can I tell you, this is exact size and color of my nipples. I'm telling you, nipple covers, you want to avoid censorship? Under your brown dress, your sheer brown dress when you go to the Golden Globes? Thank you. Oh my God. yesterday we filmed a video for my YouTube channel where we look at all your drag looks from Drag Race. Really educational. Really fun. Did you get my little note? Yes, I did. Okay. I noticed this through line. Wait, didn't Alaska do something where she had words being spelled out on her? That was... On Drag Race? No. What do you mean? Wasn't she doing like one letter a day? Yes, yes. Yes, she was. Her name. Oh. Her name. Oh. Just in case you forgot. forget it. I don't know. Right. She had a lot of, she was very, yeah. Anyways. Well, the, the, the truth is she's unforgettable. Who would forget Alaska? Certainly nobody who was on that season. I'll tell you that much. And also I was, when I was thinking about you doing that critique, I was like, oh man, I was like, what's my worst, my, what's my least favorite outfit? I was like, oh, there are some real stinkers. Yeah. It's like half and half. We talked about it in the video. It was like, it's possible to critique this drag and really like that person. drag and like them and think they're amazing. We can talk about these clothes explicitly and that's okay. Of course. H&M Prairie dresses with black jelly sandals. Let's talk about it. That I love as a performance outfit. That wasn't a runway outfit. That was like a cherry bomb outfit. Yeah. I wouldn't count that as a look. I wouldn't count it as a look either. Honestly. I mean, the way that I was able to dodge so many bullets. well I mean my future of drag horrible my Princess Diana rotten and your final look crazy oh just so bad you know I would have done my future of drag when if I had oh I really really know what I would do I really know what I would do gal I really know let's take a break Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is sponsored by Hungry Root. I have to tell you, I think that I just watched that Susan Powder documentary and she said, don't eat foods that you can't pronounce. And I know that's maybe unrealistic, but it honestly inspired me to be like simpler, simpler, simpler, game changing, but simple. You know, I want to reach goals. I want to reduce stress. I want to save time, but can I do it in a healthy way? 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I'm not an adventurous eater, but as a vegetarian, sometimes you gotta push yourself a little bit. And what I love about Hungaroot is there's gonna be a few elements of a meal that I remember or recognize or I've tried before, but I'm gonna get to try it in a new way. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as I do. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com slash bald and use the code bald. That's HungryRoot.com slash bald, code bald, and get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Friends, Romans, country days. Take a breath. Look around this imaginary auditorium of beautiful, brilliant, perpetually single souls. I want you to hear this clearly and perhaps for the first time of your life. You are not broken. You are not behind and you are absolutely not alone. 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Your epic story is just starting to unfold and therapy can help you walk forward with lighter shoulders, clear eyes, and a sincere feeling of hope and optimism that finally feels like it belongs to you. sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash bald that's better h-e-l-p dot com slash bald I would I would I would I would really do a nice job okay next time next time when you do Canada versus Kuwait or whatever they're doing now like Laos versus Bangladesh or like Cleveland versus Pittsburgh Siberia versus Paducah versus the world Kamchatka versus like they need to rebrand that we don't need to be encouraging international conflict in this, our year, 2026. Thank you very much. Why can't we work together? We're already doing USA versus the world. Thank you. In the world. Thank you. Thank you. How about USA plus the world? Thank you. Inclusive. Thank you. How about USA loves the world? Love it. If you can't love the USA, how are you going to love the world? Now drive that down to Fiorucci Boulevard. Yeah. What was your favorite look of mine? Oh, well, you have to watch the video and find out. I'm not going to watch it. I don't have you do premium anymore. Oh, I mean, there were some great ones. Honestly, Dear Reader Wrote You Look, I was like, this is peak Katya. It's like a lot of coverage. The body looks great. We could have been a little fuller, of course. Yeah, but after the Brooke Hogan wig, after seeing a black finger wave wig three times, I was just happy that we were kind of expanding up and outward. And those vanity laces sure did. Oh man, that drag race lighting in those vanity laces. Oh yeah. But, But I really liked my, I borrowed a lot of shit. I really liked my. Expense the fit. Shut up. I really liked my, like, very, I know it's kind of casual for a look, but, like, the 80s jacket with the shorts and the things for the stand-up comedy challenge. Oh, yeah. I love that, too. I thought it was really pretty. The only thing I don't like was the necklace. Oh, I don't remember the necklace. I was, like, wearing long hair with a full collar with a necklace, we have no neck. I would have loved more of, like, just a. I don't remember the necklace. But. The necklace. The necklace. The only thing, are you watching? Wait, one last thing. I love the Mugliere look. The only thing I really regret not doing is, um, attaching the stirrups underneath. Oh, sure. That was a big, um, that's all I see when I look at that look now. Oh. The baggy pants, because they, they should be a little more, not so, not so baggy. You know what I mean? For the muggler. Yeah. For the muggler. God, I love that look. I felt so pussy. I knew it was so ugly. And RuPaul's like, this is so wrong. It's so ugly. It's great. Anyways, enough about me. Enough about you. What kind of shirt you got on today? Oh, I just shoved a nuke up my pussy. Yeah. Maybe a little too on the nose, considering current events. Oh. But listen I volunteer as tribute If we going to go into World War III with nuclear weapons shove one right up in this pussy It could happen Are you watching Fallout I already watched it I watched it years ago Well it season two now So it's a series, and so it continues. Get the fuck out of here. Why did you tell me? We're on like episode five. But I've been replaying. Wait, hold on. Tell me how does it begin? Because I know where it left off. Okay. So it starts with those same people kind of continuing the story from season one. Okay. Can you be more specific? But they're going to New Vegas. Can you be more specific? They're going to New Vegas, which is like basically, spoiler, in the second season, they find out that like there was enough power in Vegas that when the bombs dropped, Vegas was protected. So the person who was rich enough to basically control Vegas protected Vegas. And Vegas is now like this thriving economy of like buildings still standing and stuff. Fierce. And so they're going there because ultimately they're looking for the ghoul, looking for his wife and his son. Of course. Daughter. Daughter. Daughter? Daughter. Yeah. So I'm still not sure what's going to happen. I mean, I'm playing, replaying Fallout 4. I've played it like three times. And I played New Vegas three times. I played Fallout 6 12 times. Fallout 3 twice. But Fallout 4 is in Boston, which I love. Oh, really? It's so Boston. Get out of here. There's a Boston Commons. Oh, my God. Is there Public Gardens? Is there Bay Village? Yes, all of it. The Zayton Bridge? Lexington. Lexington? Isn't there Lexington, Boston? That's a suburb. It's not Boston, but yeah. Oh, yes. And some of it, it's like, let's say it's not the Wang Theater. It'll be like the Wing Theater. Like for copyright reasons, I think it's not the same thing. The Ernie Bonk Jr. Yeah. And the neighborhoods are all abbreviated, obviously, but like it looks so much like Boston. It's crazy. And I'm playing through it and I have a really hard time. I know that video games are fake. I know these people aren't real. but in any game where you could be bad or good, I can't be bad. I can't shoot and kill people. I'm always trying to minimize. I'm such a me in the game. I'm trying to like, can we all just deescalate the situation where like, I feel like that's wonderful, but I feel like you should play video games and be a whole new person. Like you could be really sweet in the real world and then be like, Oh yeah. Give me your exercise. All your, all your, my aggression. Yeah. You know, I do that in the car by running people over. Right. No, no, no. I mean, that's a really good point. Do you think that it's... I don't think... I have a hard time... I like, well, turn off the game and feel bad about who I killed in the game. What is that? I don't think it's a very... I don't think it's a probably... My guess, not an effective way to cope with aggression. Not a good outlet. No. I mean, I think for me it satiates the feeling of like... Finishing a game always feels like finishing a puzzle. Yeah. I'm slowly putting something back in order. I love that. And in the game, I forgot about this, But in the beginning of the game, there's no nuclear blast. And then the bombs are coming. So you run to a shelter. You and your wife and your wife with your baby. You go to your pods to go to sleep. You can be the girl and have a husband, but no gay. Because they have a baby. How would they have a baby? Woke. Thanks, Woke. Back in my day, it was me, it was we and she. What is it? Me and she? It was we, she, and Kathy Lee. None of this. What does mistress call it? None of this he, she, we, the, she. I don't know. He, she, they. Yeah, he, she, we, the, they, them vegetarians. That's what she says. So the game starts with you going into your sleep pod to wait for after the blast. Okay. And then you wake up early and your wife's pod gets snatched. She gets shot point blank and they steal your baby. So the whole game is you trying to find your baby. My baby? My baby. They shot my wife and took my baby? And one of the things they talk about in the game is. They shot my wife and took my baby. Took my baby. so one of the factions right in these games is like all these different people you can help or not help or whatever this is an ethical question in the game synths which are like fake not fake people robots that are so realistic that they don't even know that they're fake yeah that's the same in the nail but they're not born but they're synthetic people like built so real in the game it's like the ethics of like are these machines are they people do we have a right to like abduct them and wait their memory etc or these people they're not people i there i guess i would be some person who's like don't talk down to my air fryer i guess i like have too much well i don't think that i think that so for example if my mom and a synth are in a burning building i'm getting the synth. No, but like, what if your mom's a synth? My mom is not a synth because my mom is, what if she is? Oh, no, no, no. Okay. So that's not possible in this world. What if you are? What if you found out you were? Oh, well then that's different. Would you want people to like abduct you and wipe your brain or would you want, would you feel like, hey, because I feel like I'm a person, I have rights. Well, that's a different, I was, I thought you were talking about how we view the other as a synth, but you're talking about if you become aware because these synths don't even, they're so realistic, they don't even know that they're robots. Right. Well, then that's a whole, that's another fun, that's a conundrum. Like, people are getting abducted, let's say, by the institute it's called. They're abducting you because let's say they want to use your body for science. For sex. No. And they replace you with a version of you so real that no one knows. And you yourself, the synth of you, thinks it's been you the whole time. It's like that Infinity Pool movie. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think, well, whatever, real or not I'm not I'm not graping that synth I'm not beating that synth up I'm taking that synth to a nice steak dinner right maybe I have to eat the whole thing maybe she doesn't eat anything I'm getting some Martinelli's and we're gonna go home and watch she's gonna get some Castro Sintec motor oil in a nice little martini glass and I'll have a a virgin daiquiri and then you know right you gotta watch you gotta watch Predator Badlands I'm gonna watch it you gotta catch up on Fallout then are you kidding me I'm going to go fucking goon out to that shit tonight. Well, my arthritis has been really bad, so I've been playing real quick six to eight hours a night of video games probably. Real like a crazy person. Wait, wait, is that bad? I mean, I would imagine maybe like... I mean, if I exercise first in the morning and I work all day, I'm like, who cares what I do? If you lay to watch TV for eight hours, no one would say anything. But if you play video games for eight hours, people act like you're crazy. I disagree. That's an active activity. I think it's... I think sometimes TV and movies is boring. I mean, I agree. I don't think video games are the same thing as TV at all. Right. Because you're like literally actively, you're playing a game. Yeah. You're not just, and you're not on your phone. You're not on your phone. That's the one thing about video games that I really, really, really love. You can't be on your phone and play a video game. Yeah. I mean, you could play a video game on your phone. I'm never on my phone. Honestly. Mary. Something bad happened to me where I just don't use phones anymore. 2026 is about not going on X anymore. And I'm not talking about Twitter because I've finally reconciled the fact that it is X. Right. Because the past few days I've gone on there, these- Porn? No, no, no. The posts that I've seen are so- Targeted ads? No, no, no. It's just, it's either vile absurdity- Me. Like throbbing boner eroticism, you. No, no, no. like it's just a bunch of shit makes me depressed. Right. It's stupid. It's not like world events that keep me like up to date. It's like shitty people doing shitty things, stupid people posting stupid crap, stuff that's not true, stuff that's outdated. It's all bullshit. And it makes me so depressed. Right. And that's what I honestly have been kind of grappling with. You and I are tech. I mean, are we, are we, are we content creators? I guess we are. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I am at least. But that's one of your jobs. But lately, I found it a lot easier if I was like on the internet all day to, I don't know, like lately I put the phone down, don't look at it all day. Yeah. Forget to post for days at a time. Don't post anything. I'm living life. Yeah. I don't want to know about the David Beckham, the Romeo Beckham and Nicola thing feud, but I do. And I'm like, and I have opinions about it. And I don't want to have opinions about it. You know, I don't want to like, it's stupid crap like that. Right. You know, we're like, it's just taking up space where I could literally have just looked out at, at the sunset or like literally just jerked off. Right. Honestly, anything. Today's episode of ball in the beautiful is brought to you by row R O. So I have to talk to you about something. there are a lot of potential benefits to glp ones and i follow this comedian i don't want to out them but this is this guy comedian who i love he was talking about his journey being on a glp one and he made it so funny and so personal i just was like wow that we it's kind of nice to hear you know like i live in los angeles glp ones hit the airwaves for us like probably five years ago and it's nice to hear people's normal journey toward a better self using GLP-1s. 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And it really like demystified it for me. Go to roe.co slash bald to see if you're eligible for the new GLP-1 pill on Roe. That's roe.co slash bald to get started on Roe. Go to roe.co slash safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP-1 medications. Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by Olipop, my favorite soda pop. Okay. Today, we're going to talk about the Olipop Shirley Temple. Now, you guys, where I'm from in Wisconsin, we call Shirley Temples kitty cocktails. So Olipop, if you could send me my own personalized brand of can of Olipop that says kitty cocktail, that would be great. I love the taste of a Shirley Temple as somebody who drinks and then doesn't drink. If you catch me not drinking, I am going to order a Shirley Temple. It makes me feel fancy. I love the cherry vibe. I love the sparkle. And this new flavor is basically Olipop's take on a classic that you remember, but with a brighter, bolder flavor with real ingredients you can feel good about. It supports digestive health, which if you listen to The Bald and the Beautiful, you know that Katya and I talk about that all the time. I'm going to tell you something. That is a part of your body that you take for granted until things aren't going perfect, let me tell you. And it's a flavor, the Shirley Temple, that everybody can feel good about. It's digestive health with real ingredients and less sugar. I also like these sodas because it's real ingredients and way less calories. Way less calories. I have one of these probably every single night for dinner. Get a free can of Olipop. Buy any two cans of Olipop in store and we'll pay you back for one. Works on any flavor, any retailer. Drinkolipop.com slash bald. Olipop is sold online, drinkolipop.com and Amazon, and available in the soda aisle and with the chilled beverages at thousands of retailers nationwide, including Walmart and Target. This episode is sponsored by 1-800-CONTACTS. Hi, it's me, Katya Zamboni, professional figure skater, Olympic athlete, emotional wreck. Picture this. It's the 2026 Olympics in Milan. Outside the arena, a gentle snow is falling as fans snack on Kacchuepepe as they wait in line with their tickets. Inside, the lights are blinding as I make my way to the center of the ice. My heart is thumping. The judges are watching intently, and my posterior looks fabulous in my brand new crimson and black sequined outfit. As I push off the ice, ready for a quadruple lutz into a flying camel spin, suddenly it hits me. The terror. The cold sweat. The realization that I am on my last pair of contacts, or worse. I've lost them entirely and must face the judges in my ugly ancient crooked glasses from a forgotten drawer in Ohio, where I escaped poverty to perform on the biggest stage in sports. How does one spot the landing on a triple toe loop when the world is a watercolor blur? How can I sell the drama of a step sequence when I cannot see my mom weeping for me in the third row? The panic used to own me. Not anymore, because 1-800-CONTACTS has my back. For over 30 years, they've been the leader in online contact lens delivery, with over 100 million lenses in stock and fast free shipping straight to my door. I can even renew my prescription from home with their express exam in under 10 minutes, and we're talking real doctors, real prescriptions and zero appointments. They have free returns, free torn lens replacement, a best price guarantee and 24-7 customer support. So when I take the ice, I see every edge, every judge, every tear. I even see my fiercest competitor trying to make me fall with her mind like some sort of witch. But with 1-800-CONTACTS, I can ignore her. I can shut out the world. I can leave the panic behind and focus on the gold. Getting contacts doesn't have to be hassle. Let 1-800-CONTACTS get you the contact lenses you need right now. Order online at 1 or download the free 1 app today Do you like how I like oh I not looking at my phone anymore I living my real life Eight hours of video game playing I don think that bad I sorry I think it's fun. If it's fun, if it makes you happy, just like Miss Crow. You don't know what the me that I am now wants to play video games, cook my own dinner. Last night I made some delicious rice with some vegetables that I cooked in a pan. Fierce. With a can of soup. you better do it bitch loved it you know what I did I performatively ate another salad in my kitchen mugging out 360 to who just you know to everyone to everybody to the black mold yes I put it in a giant I don't got bowls big enough for the salad I like mama because when I eat a salad a slot bucket it's roughage there's only three ingredients the baby arugula whatever whatever spring mix, you know, like the pre-made stuff. And then there's about 600 pounds of croutons and then a half a gallon of dressing. And I have to take my shirt off because it gets real messy. And I just start using my hands. The dressing is the issue. When I work in the restaurants and people get these salads with 80% ranch, I said, you better go lay down somewhere, you fucking creature. Yeah, you're about to blow ass on the way home. I love it though. Ranch? Can I have extra ranch? When I was serving, when people asked for extra ranch, I almost said, and I knew you were going to ask for it because I knew you were that type of fucking person. You're fucking weird girl. It's a condiment. The lettuce is not put on the soup. It's not soup. It's not soup. Oh, I see what you mean. It's not ranch soup with two lettuce leaves. Faggot. Do you know what I mean? So you want more ranch? Here's your ranch, faggot. No, no, no. I don't do that. I do balsamic vinaigrette. And just a little. I don't want wet. Not sopping wet salad, right? you like sopping wet. Well, because there's so much crunch with my crouton. Love the croutons. Oh, man. Just the other day, had no salad. Bowl of croutons. I swear to God. I did a whole bowl of croutons with some salad dressing. I ate it with my fingers and I was on hog heaven. Is that keto? That's keto. It's neato. You know you can make your own croutons. Yes. Yes, I actually have. But they were big and kind of, you know, you bake you know it's like a little garlic bread that you bake stop it stop wait also I've been putting saline in your balls I want to make a confession what I was supposed to go get this thing done and I'm so glad I didn't what are you talking about you're gonna laugh I'm gonna be so embarrassed but I'm not I'm not gonna embarrass you I'm not gonna shame is no I'm gonna I'm gonna embarrass myself shame is a landfill emotion it was a procedure you're called bococks like whatever it does the name is an instant no like it's an instant but whatever it does sure the name is an instant no i watched this this um i was watching a show that was like commonly asked questions about this group of people right i forget what it was called but it was an episode with deaf people and deaf people were taught like people were asking questions they've been afraid to ask and this person said what's one of the barriers of being like a non-hearing person and this guy was like botox he was like so much of what we read is like lips and emotions it's like people who look like they're standing in headlights and their mouth is just moving and i can't tell how they feel about what they're saying i was like oh interesting because you know people and they're using asl a lot of times it's expressive yeah sure sure sure so they were I can tell what they're saying, but I can't tell how they feel about it. The deaf must hate Nicole Kidman. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. Love you. Love you, Nicole. No. She truly is the bald and the beautiful. I love her so much. And I love Gwyneth Paltrow, too. And I love Julia Roberts. Right. You didn't watch the Grammys. Not the Grammys. You didn't see the Golden Globes. No. I know. I don't like award shows. I know. I don't either. But Julia Roberts got a standing ovation just for being herself. I know I said that last episode. Sorry. It's okay. Well, we were nominated for an Audi. We were nominated for a Golden Globe. Amy took the... Ambie. We were nominated for an Ambie Award. It's the Podcasting Awards. What does it stand for? It's Audio Content, I believe. Best Comedy Pod for an Ambie. Congratulations. And you know, after that whole Golden Globe fiasco where we didn't get an award even though we were nominated, I think that somebody better give us something. Yeah, it's something better. Somebody better not give me something in my dick called Bococks. Let me tell you what it is. What is it? So basically, it's like it is a... what it does is kind of like makes your dick like bigger and, and thicker and like also harder. Kind of like gives you, gives you like a, makes your dick harder and bigger. Did Andrew put you on this? No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the company you keep. No, no, no, no, no, no. I swear to God. I swear to God. People, they get weird. I swear to God. Some of the sober people need to go back on the pookie. Because no, no, no. They just need to go running. They just need to go macrame, Pottery. You know what I mean? Flower arrangement. Anything. Parasailing. Right. Free climbing. Normal sailing. So wait, wait. So it's an injection. And then you got to pump. I got to buy a penis pump. And I had the appointment scheduled for one o'clock yesterday. What's the goal? Oh, like, so I take like Viagra quite often. You know, I don't have like erectile dysfunction per se. but like I just when I fuck people I love to take it's like I have my little red shoes on when I go on stage. You know what I mean? My little tap shoes when I do my tap dance. Right. You know? You wear makeup for other women. It's like I'm a shepherd where's my little bonnet and my staff. Right. You know what I mean? Right. A little Bo Peep. Right. So anyways I Mr. Potato Head without the shoes is just a potato. Thank you. Always saying that. So it basically it's like you know it helps with it gives you a hard big dick right and you you're like you like this dick and they go and they look up at you and it's just those ice blue eyes with the bloodshot whites and you said are you ready to do this looking truly like freddy krueger veins up in the eyes no but this would i wouldn't be taken by agra you know what i mean or yeah whatever yeah um anyways so i i i did not want to do it because I felt it was insane. Right. And it was also quite expensive. Right. But apparently it's effective. Right. Isn't needles in the penis, isn't there some risks to that? No. None, of course. Right. But this is a doctor. Right. It's not like, you know, it's not a Dr. Bob from Florida. Right. This is an actual empty. Miss Orlando. Yeah. This is not like, go down to the alley and take jump over the puddle and go shimmy down under the grate. I need the opposite. I wish I could bake my dick like a shrinky dink sometimes. Too flopped out. It's too flopped out. You wish you could what? Bake it like a shrinky dink because it's too flopped out. That sounds like a wonderful t-shirt. Why don't you bake it like a shrinky dink because you are too flopped out. You bitch. You faggoty bitch. Too flopped out. I still don't even understand what you're talking about. it's more for me just what I said and I don't know what it means too flopped out that's flopped out and you need to bake it like I need to bake it like a shrinky ding because it's too flopped out alright, tired of wearing a holster like it's a gun I've been having the only breakfast as of late what's the tea? it's that fucking steel cut oatmeal but baby I have like a the bowl is so huge and it's so nourishing do you eat it cold? no I heat it up on the stove I cook a whole batch for the week and then I take a huge fucking clump of it put it in the pot heavy, not heavy cream, light cream fucking you know heat that shit up so it's nice and hot walnuts, cranberries, blueberries chia seeds brown sugar cholula cholula to um uh uh a1 right and then mayonnaise for sure sour cream do you like mayonnaise I hate it I will never eat it I don't care for it either I don't like mayonnaise I don't like cream sauce I don't like I don't like white sauces ranch I don't like any like french food like alfredo none of that ranch is sick ranch is disgusting you know in zombie movies blue cheese is also so gross in zombie movies where they're trying to see if people are infected and they scan them and it's infected. I want to do that with people who have had ranch. Just in general. Oh, looks like you had ranch once you got to go. What about blue cheese dressing? That's still a no. I only like a light lemony vinaigrette or a very light balsamette. Even a little oil and salt and pepper. Oil, salt and pepper. You got to start making your own dressing. That's where it's at. I have. It's the move. Because bitch. It's the move. It makes the bottle shit look gross. Sweetie, I had my fucking art teacher in Boston. Her husband is a fucking vineyard, owns a goddamn, what do you call it? A fucking olive. A steak escape? No, an olive farm or whatever. Oh. They make through an olive oil is what I'm trying to say. A vineyard. Yes. Yeah. I thought it was like, is that what it's called? I don't know. I think so. Anyways, so this incredible olive oil. And then they get these like 50, you know, 50-year-old bottles of fucking balsamic vinegar. you just fucking mix that shit together a little salt and pepper on a toasted baguette I'd be doing like what is it, it's like olive oil, lemon or lime from the yard, salt and pepper and then like a tiny amount of Dijon, or a little Mrs. Dash I never had that she's nice never had that, the other day can I tell you what I made, I've been really into cooking the other day, I was at a function, and I ate a pizza bagel? Pizza bite? I haven't had one in so long. You know the kind that you put in the oven? The little one. When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza. Fucking hockey puck of death. It's so sick. Why was that at a party? Those are so gross. It was what was being offered for breakfast. I'll tell you more in the next episode. Well, it's a good teaser. But I went home and I was like, that wasn't good, but it awakened a part of me that wanted a good. And I felt like that woman was like, my children wanted cornflakes this morning. So instead of me walking to set an 11, I put pizza ingredients on a store-bought bagel. And that was me making cornflakes from scratch. My children wanted cornflakes, so I walked to Iowa. My gay friends, Jonathan and Jonathan, really wanted pizza bagels. So, girl, I got the bagels, brushed on the oil and the butter and the Italian seasoning. Then the stunning pizza sauce, the Chez. Oh, the Chez. And then chopped up red peppers and tomatoes. Put it in the oven. you broil that shit you broil it for the last couple minutes 400 degrees and then you broil it it was great it was really great I'm so happy pizza bagels aren't good enough to not do this pizza bites are they called pizza bites I'm not sure they're just not good enough to not do the real thing and I love you bagel bites and you can send free bagel bites and bagel bites I don't like you so you can fuck off right you know what I used to love in high school what Tostino pizza rolls. The cheese ones. Oh my God. They're doing what the Bagel Bites should have did at the gig with the girls. So I don't know what those are, Tostino. So these little squares and you can microwave them or put them in the oven and they get hot and they're, the outside is almost like a pie crust tortilla, really flat. Okay. A little pouch. Imagine like a little pouch. Like a pillow. Like a pouch. Yes. And on the inside is the cheese and the sauce from the pizza. it's bites of pizza pizza bites gotcha it's great I don't know if it's high nutrition probably not is it the same kind of cheese like mozzarella cheese yeah and that Susan Powder documentary when she said don't eat any food you can't spell I kind of like you know what she's fucking right how do you spell okay do you know what I mean I'm a really good speller though my um diarrhea all the time why do you have diarrhea I don't know I wish I was constipated no you don't no I don't of course not but I like it every time when I get a little rabbit pellet poops I love that it's a nice change I think we're good final thoughts watch Predator badly I'm gonna watch Fallout season two. Right. And then we're both going to watch Primate at the movies together. I'm not going to the movies. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. I weirdly can't bring myself to watch Wicked for good. I watched the first one. Bob the Drag Queen told me if I didn't cry watching Wicked that something's wrong with me. That is patently that is patently untrue. That is not true. I cried because I no it's wicked no okay anyways okay but please go watch okay I will I will bye bye Thank you.