Judd Apatow + Plain White T's (Carolla Classics)

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If you'd like to request a clip, please email us, classics at adamcarolla.com. Now on to the clips. Coming up first, we have Adam Carolla Show 2004. This one's from 2017, featuring guest Judd Apatow, along with Brian Bishop. Judd's always a sleeper classic recurring guest. Always good every episode. Always surprises you when he comes in. Always something interesting to say. This episode's great. Hope you guys enjoy. Gina Grad is very ill and not here today. Bald Brian is here. Come on, we got money on this. Credit where it's due. Gina Grad nailed the score, I think. We're at least very, very close. I listened this morning. She said that it would come down to the last second and the Patriots would make everyone very upset. That's Bald Brian. Judd Apatow in the studio. Always great to see Judd Apatow. Good to be here. Even though I lost money on this game. How much? A thousand bucks. I would like, well, actually $1,350. Because you bet to win a thousand? I bet the money line. Yeah, that's what you mean, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, no, I didn't bet to win a thousand. I bet the money line. It was like plus 135 for the... Yeah, no points. Right. No points. You bet the Falcons to win outright for everyone who won $1,000. Yeah, no points. Outright. I still contend I was right in both my predictions. Man, I was thinking about your voice echoing in my head for the first half. It was like the Falcons are going to blow it out. They're going to run away with it. The Patriots aren't going to be able to hang with them. I was like, oh, this is going exactly that way. It was 28-3 late in the third quarter. I said two things. I said either the Falcons are going to blow them out and the Panthers aren't going to stay with them. But if it's a close game, the Patriots will win. And somehow you're right on both counts. I was right on both counts. That was pretty awesome. I was sitting. I knew you weren't able to prop it up for your amazing knowledge. Here's how bad it got. Kevin Hench, the biggest insane Patriots fan in the world, and Dickie from the Boss Tones, both sitting in my warehouse watching the game while Kimmel dutifully made smoked wings and drumettes. I thought he only ate six days a week. Was this the day he's allowed to eat? Yes, this is the day his people eat. those guys got up about midway early fourth quarter dejected and left they trumped it he's like best buddies with all those guys he leaves my wife tried to leave she's like we should go and I said I think we gotta give it five more minutes and there was a moment of tension between us I'm like seriously this is the moment where it's either gonna happen or not and then she had the greatest night of her life because he's cute. That's what you get. Sure, Trump is good looking. No, my wife. Not Trump. My wife doesn't find Trump good looking. She finds Tom Brady good looking. Oh, yeah. I was on Trump. The story got so confusing you thought I was with Trump. No, I know that Trump is a big Robert Kraft guy because I was introduced to him by Trump some years ago. I wish I thought of this earlier, but was this the best-looking matchup of quarterbacks in Super Bowl history? I wish I had done some research on this. It depends on your taste. Matt Rice, he's a good-looking fella. They're both good. Any steal the Super Bowl, right, as a matchup. Because you've got Ross Berger and Terry Bradshaw. Yeah. Before we take a strong turn for the homoerotic, where were you watching the game? We were watching at a friend's house. It was a combo birthday party, Super Bowl party. And, you know, people didn't seem to care much who won, most of them, but there was one guy losing his mind. So it was like the whole party was observing one person and then kind of laughing and enjoying his pain. Like, oh, wow, look how much he's suffering. And then slowly he's getting more excited, and then everyone was like, I feel bad because now he has hope again, but it's going to get squashed, and he's going to be in pain again, and that'll be fun to watch. And then we watch this man have levels of joy we've never seen before. Your wife, Leslie, is a fan. Patriots? Well, we're not giant football fans. We are pretty lame end of the season jump in because it's getting more exciting fans. And then my wife will generally pick the attractive quarterback. What a sport this year. We had Dan Dratch, Rachel Dratch's brother, doing a dance in front of the big screen TV, goofy dance. But he can, you know, the guys who dance the best are the guys who can actually sort of dance, but then they take a turn for the goofy. Like I always say, in order to be funny on the piano, you have to be able to play the piano a little bit, and then you can be funny. That's a Victor Morgan move right away. That's right. Funny on the piano. Victor Borga. I used to watch commercials when I was a kid for him. It's like the crown prince of the piano. Internationally known. And he'd do this move where he'd go all the way down the keys and then fall off. At the end, that was his big move. That was his closer. I remember my grandfather loving him, I think, because my grandfather was Hungarian and Victor Borga was from some neighboring ville or something. And he'd be like, he's a genius. And I'd be like, he's falling off his piano chair. He's 89 years old. We don't have any master piano comics these days. We should. There's a real dearth. There's a dearth of it. I think they would do well. I think they would do well. So the game you watch you didn't care about, I was watching with a bunch of insane fans. And also, I had this bet where I just went, I'm taking them outright. I'm giving no points. I'll take no points. I don't care. I think they'd blow them out of the water. And at some point when it was 28-3, I seemed like a guy who knew something. Indeed. But did you bet because you actually cared about that team or you were just trying to make it interesting for yourself? I was trying to make it interesting for myself. I also have a lot of folks who, like Jimmy and others, who have to bet the opposite of how I bet. So they need to know what's going on so that they can place their bets. And I remember one time a few years ago, Jimmy's cousin Sal called me, and he said, you know, like on a Friday, and he said, look, you've got to get your Super Bowl bet in. And I said, I'm not betting this year. All I do is lose. I'm not interested. I'm just going to enjoy the game. And he went, well, we really kind of need you to bet. And I said, what is this? I don't want to bet. I'm fine. I'm just going to go watch the game. And then I heard Jimmy's voice come in because he was on the line as well going, hey, we need you to bet. And we need to figure out how to bet. And we need to go to the opposite of yours. It's like, wow, thank you. I felt like simultaneously important and sad at the same time. Like, I guess you really do need me. I never liked gambling because I don't get that much pleasure from winning. And I get an enormous amount of pain from losing. And it doesn't even matter if it's like $5. Like, there's too much suffering versus too little joy. That's an interesting point. Like, I think we should all figure out what our least favorite Girl Scout cookie in life is. Right. Meaning, there's stuff I love, like the peanut butter ones and the Samoas and stuff like that. And look, you're going to get fat, but it tastes good. Yes. And then there's the trefoil. Yeah. What is the trefoil? That's just the shortbread. Oh, yeah. And that makes you really fat. That makes you fat, and it doesn't taste good. Yeah. So, like, what are the things in your life that, where's your trefoil? Yeah. That's your next book. What's your love but don't really enjoy? No, that the trafoil is to eating and cookies and desserts what gambling is to Judd Apatow. Oh, I see. Which is not a lot of downside without much pleasure. Exercise. I guess there is upside, but I refuse to acknowledge it. By the way, Judd's working on a million things. Girls coming back is back for the final season. The 12th. The 12th? Oh, I thought it was bad. I've been watching. Well, they're rerunning a lot of last season, and then it's our last. This is our last season, so we land the plane. And then the week after that, After Girls, every week will be this new show called Crashing, starring Pete Holmes, who is in here talking about very funny. Yeah, and he's great. Artie Lang is on the show, and a lot of comedians like Sarah Silverman is on some episodes. and that one's really funny. It's about being a bad open mic comedian in New York. Like a religious guy who's not good yet, needs the money desperately, but is too unfunny to make any money. And then we're going to do this tour, me, Artie, and Pete, and then there's guest stars. We're going to be in New York on the 12th at the Gramercy and in L.A. on the 18th at the Regent, and you can get tickets at PeteHolmes.com. And we give the money away in New York. We're giving the money to the USO and to 826 in Los Angeles, which is a literacy program. So we've found a way to not get paid. I was listening to that, and I was thinking, all right, Pete Holmes, all right, Judd Aptow. Artie Lang, I don't feel like Artie's down with charity. Well, did he travel the world with the USO a little bit? Go ahead. You're right. I don't know Artie that well. I don't know. He's very sweet, though. Like, I feel like the only one he hurts is himself. I agree. I think it's documented. But I also feel like I have my list of guys, like Norm MacDonald, which is like, hey, if they're going to do a show, they want to get paid. Oh, Artie wasn't like that. He was pretty quick to go charity with us. Wow. I think he's very excited to be on the show. He's ridiculously strong and funny and very open and sweet because he plays himself and he tells his story within the stories on the show. And he hadn't acted in 14 years just because he had been on Howard Stern and doing all these other things. And he's a great actor. Like music, high level, and improvising. And he knows how to improvise and tell you about his life and his struggles while still being funny and deeply emotional. I mean, he has some skills that are pretty incredible. He's sort of the white David Allen Greer. I know it's been said many times. Many times, yes. No, very talented, much more sensitive, much more depth than people really realize. People look at both those guys as sort of these loud, outgoing, sort of semi-buffoons or something. But they really have chops. Oh, absolutely. And they really have depth. Yes. I mean, Artie is able to talk in improvisations with Pete about being a comedian on the show that is so moving and touching. I mean, he talks about just the pain of the lifestyle and what he thought would happen and how he thought it would make him feel versus the reality. And it's pretty special because Pete is this guy who's religious. He was going to be a youth pastor. So any scene where he's talking to Artie becomes this really fascinating, you know, dark and light, Laurel and Hardy kind of conversation. For you, I think of you as sort of like the custodian of comedy. Cleaning up behind others. In the circus of life. Getting out the woodshed and the vomits. No, what I'm saying is, is like the guy who is more interested in comedy, like, like, I guess I'll, I'll, I'll put it to you this way. Some guys like driving race cars, but they don't have an interest in cars. Yes. I've met a million race car drivers where it's like they want to get paid. They want to get laid and they want to get, they want to drive. But as far as when they're done, like you go, Hey, what's the, I like cars. So I'm like, what's the displacement of the motor? And they're like, I don't know. Ask the mechanic. You know, they don't know. They don't care. They just want to go drive. That's how I am about the camera. I don't know what the lenses do. Right. I need someone to explain it to me. But then there are guys who want to drive, but they also want the cars, and they want to know all about the cars and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And even may enjoy restoring a car even more than driving the car, whatever it is. And in your case, I feel like you're the comedy version of that. You want to appreciate what it is, the history of it. You're like the custodian of it. And as far as driving, like, yeah, get up and do some stand-up, get in front of the camera. But it's mostly about the preservation, the restoration, the creation. Well, I'm a hoarder, so it's all of it. You know, I like to express myself. I love the challenge of trying to be a funny writer or director. I love the challenge of trying to be funny doing stand-up because it's so hard to achieve true greatness, to get to the level of the guys that we know or the women that we know who are the very best. And I like that. I like having a high bar that's going to keep me busy for a while trying to get to it. But I also can watch somebody like Maria Bamford and just sit there with my jaw on the floor amazed at how smart and funny and weird she is. And I've been like that since I was a kid. I used to sit and watch Mike Douglas, and I'd watch someone like Michael Keaton, who was a comic in the beginning. Right. And I would just track him like he was an athlete. Like, oh, my God, he's got a pilot with Jim Belushi called Working Stiffs. I hope it's good. And then I would just track him through his whole life. And I just have always loved those characters. That's what's been fun about doing stand-up again, because I felt like I did stand-up for seven years, and I had drifted from the tribe, and it's good to be back. Well, you've always, it's always been in you, and I know I was listening to you over the Christmas break, being interviewed on Howard Stern, and you were talking about your family and divorce and your dad, and then you doing the kind of stuff that probably should have been a tell in terms of what you were going to be doing, and I'm curious how your family responded. They have all these things, which is, well, if your young kid is torturing animals, he's probably going to be a serial killer. And you go, it's not like, oh, my God, he hates squirrels. It's like, no, no, this is a global thing. If he only hated squirrels when he was in his 40s, we'd be okay. It'd be a little bit of a problem with him and his wife, probably. When they go on walks? Go on walks or go to the park and a squirrel happened by and he'd go tearing after it. But this is a global problem, but this is an indicator of something that is a bigger thing. And, you know, you recording Saturday Night Live on a cassette and then transcribing it, that is an indicator. That's your torturing of squirrels. Exactly. Bill Hader said he used to do that, too. I mean, he's young, but when I was a kid, you know, there was no VCRs that recorded. And so that was the reason why you had to audio record it, because there was no way to save it. Because also back then, I didn't understand how reruns worked. So Steve Martin was on Saturday Night Live. There was a part of me that thought, oh, I'll never see this again. Right. And so it felt very precious. Now we know everything's out there, so people don't even bother to do anything. They're like, yeah, I can catch up with that. But back then, it was scary. And it felt so important to me. And I didn't know how it worked. How does a sketch work? Why is this funny? Why is this not funny? I wanted to, like, write it out so I could figure it out. I was a big SNL nerd at the same time because you had the same thought as me naively as a kid. Like, oh, they just got there and they kind of make it all up. And they kind of know what they're going to do. But, you know, they got there and they ad-lib it all. Well, there was a Saturday Night Live book when I was a kid. And it had all the scripts in it and photos and behind the scenes. And I think in my head I thought that would be the coolest place to work, to be, to have those be your friends. She did. So, like, yeah, I could remember trying to record, like, Dr. Demento on a Sunday night hearing young Weird Al doing my malona. I interviewed Dr. Demento. Oh, you did? That's how nerdy I was. I took that another step. I took a train alone to Poughkeepsie at 16 years old and interviewed Dr. Demento and Weird Al. Was that? Wow. Now, see, I'd hear him out here syndicated in Southern California, so I had no idea where he was. in my simple mind, he was always just here, because that's where my radio was. But he was back east, Poughkeepsie. Well, they were touring. Oh, they were touring, so maybe it wasn't planted back east. And Al just did a benefit with us the other night at Largo, at the Coronet, and he did a medley with his band. It was so freaking hysterical. He came out, and he didn't tell me what he was going to do. and I didn't know, you know, because it's a benefit, he's going to do one song. He does this like 7, 11-minute medley of every great song, and you just realize, oh, I've been watching this guy since I was 15 years old, and it made us all so happy. It was like when James Taylor was in Funny People. We all started crying when he performed his scene in the movie. He performed like Fire and Rain or something. Right. And you forget, oh, I've never been around when James Taylor wasn't around. Like it just hit you in some emotional place. That's how I feel about Weird Al. It made me want to cry on some level. So for you, do the parents, and they should, just like they should recognize the torturing the squirrel thing at age 12, do your parents see what you're doing, recording, transcribing, SNL, going out, then wanting to get interviews with everybody, do they recognize that and go, hey, this kid is going to be doing this one day? Oh, yeah, because my grandmother's best friend was this female comedian named Toadie Fields. Oh, Toadie Fields. And Toadie Fields are people who don't know her. You know Toadie Fields? Don't know. Toadie was a name. I mean, Toadie made the... And a profession. Toadie Fields was a, you know, heavy set-ish, I think, woman, comedian that was like, not your top, like, you knew household name, but if you were around in the 70s... I don't know what era this would have been. Well, she made it through, and she'd be on the, you'd see her on like Match Game and stuff like that. She was one of those celebrity comedians. And she would be on that show with Burt Convey with the couples. Yes. I forgot what that show was called. You'd hide one half of the couple and ask questions. And so my grandmother would take me to go see her. She died in 78 at age 48. So says Garrett. Yeah. She had diabetes, and she had to have her leg amputated. And I went to see her at Westbury Music Fair. She has one leg. She comes out. The place gives her a standing ovation. She's insanely funny. And talking about having one leg. And I think on some level I just thought, oh, there's a place for me in the world. If this one-legged woman is so beloved and hysterical and genius, this is a pretty good job. Because I felt like a weird one-legged person. You know, I felt different. And I thought, oh, she's so beautiful. And, you know, she's like a slightly chubby woman. You know, her act was very much about, like, being overweight. If you look at this picture we're looking at now, she's not really that overweight. It was just, you know, the terrible definitions of beauty that made her have to do jokes about being overweight. And she was awesome. She was really incredible. Yeah, also, there's a new fat sheriff in town, and it's all of us. Yes. Which is, I just walked through an Indian casino outside of Sacramento, and I saw people, women, that were massive and young. That was, like, the scary part, like 23-year-old chicks that were 300, but just big. Like, I mean, not, and I have always said, like, and yes, the Toadie Fields to a young Adam Carole is like, oh, she's that fat lady comedian. She's not fat. She's got a couple. 13 pounds over her. Right. Right. But think about the three stooges. Like, Curly was the fat one. Curly was 192 pounds. Oh, yeah. A shorter, thicker guy. I was just watching the Blues Brothers the other day, and Belushi was like the fat guy. And nowadays he's marginally overweight by the base standards. I probably am Belushi weight most of the time. Marginally. I was having this revelation, which is when I was a kid, if you went to the supermarket or the mall or what have you, and there was a fat woman or a fat guy, and they were making their way up and down the aisle, You'd go call your sister or your friend or whatever and go, hey, you've got to check out the big dude. Look at aisle five. Look at the frozen foods. You see them? And it'd be like the novelty of, like, oh, he's a big, fat man or he's a big, fat woman. Then I found myself walking through an airport, like in Chicago, and a chick slid in front of me. And she worked at the airport, and she was a big, big person. And I found myself going, like, oh, my God, look, like I was back in junior high or something. You got a random kid. And then another, hey, you. Hey, look at this. Hold on, Pops. I'm trying to torture this squirrel. Put that down. Follow me. And I was like showing, and I was like going, oh, my God, look at this. And then another chick slid in equally as large. And then I looked around and realized everyone is huge. You were the weirdo. And that's where we're at now. It sucks to eat healthy. It does. It just sucks. I mean, I so love to eat. I think about it all day long. I know when I was a kid I would have just been very, I don't know if I was lonely or frustrated, but how I dealt with it was we had a grill in the center island of my kitchen. Wow. And I would make hamburgers every day. Every day I'd make these, like, double cheeseburgers, or I'd make grilled cheese sandwiches and eat Entenmann's cake with it. And it made me so happy. And to this day, it's pure joy eating food. There's no downside other than my death. I love it, and I can't eat enough. I love being so stuffed that the blood goes to my belly and I almost pass out. Like, that's my version of, like, people who have to be choked while they have sex. It's just the pass out moment of eating. So I have such compassion for people who can't control it because I can't control it. And I haven't had much sugar in the last month. And I think that life is not worth living. Like, it has been so hard to get rid of it. Can I? Just say for it, just check, please. Can I posit this thought here? Because it's the one thing. It's the thing. Like you go like, hey, one day you'll be rich. You'll be able to drive a cool car. You'll live in a cool house. You'll be able to go to cool parties. You'll be able to do this, and you'll get the best of this and the best of that and everything else. But the one thing it doesn't buy is your ass still gets fat when you eat that In-N-Out burger. And you want that In-N-Out burger every bit as bad as you've always wanted it. And it's like the one thing that when I grew up, I grew up poor, I grew up hungry, and I then transitioned into a life where I was poor and hungry. Like it was just always, you know, epic battles when I was 26. Like, who's been eating my cereal? Like, which nine roommates have gotten into my flakes? Come on. I had a mark on this thing and the date, and now it's down three inches. And there's, like, big battles about who ate who's cereal. And cheap food is the food that makes you fatter. Yeah, but you couldn't get fat back then because I was a carpenter and a boxing instructor. And I was hungry all the time. I was, like, poor all the time. So it's like I'd leave the house. You didn't leave with all your snacks and all your water and all your everything. Just go climb on a roof, swing a hammer for eight hours, and then come home again and look for some bottom ramen because the top ramen was a little rich for my blood. But we didn't – like it wasn't an issue. It was always – but it was always like where's – and then every once in a while we had a rich friend. Her name was Janie, and she belonged to the Encino Country Club. and about three or four times a year she'd be like, they have a Sunday buffet with a guy who makes omelets and a guy who makes waffles and another guy who makes pancakes. I'm there in my mind right now. There's a station just for omelets. There's a station just for omelets. How's that work? You've got to go there and blow the guy? No, no. You just tell him what you want. You're an omelet. Just walk past the waffle station. Where does he get the stuff? It's already there. It's already there. So he's got the scallions and the tomatoes and he's got the ham. It's all there. It's all there. And it's like, oh, my God. And, boy, you'd have it on the calendar. Like, we're going this Sunday. We're going Sunday. And we'd show up, and it'd be like, oh, my God, do you get the plate? What direction? What direction do we go? Don't use two plates. That's a rookie move. And don't fill up on the wrong stuff. Yeah. You have to pace. Oh, my God. Don't do too much bread because you need room for the wings. Yeah, right. So it would be like strategizing. and you'd go, all right, but I got it. And then Janie would say, you can go back. You can go back. You can eat. What do we do with the plate? They take the plate. You get a new plate. They get a new one. Oh, my God. Can I tell you the funniest sketch that I saw was years ago. I think it was when Reed just did the morning show. I don't know if this was from another show, but Howie Mandel went to a buffet in Vegas. And this is such a simple prank joke, but so perfect. He pretended to be one of the cooks at a buffet in Vegas, and all the joke was was that when people were filling up their plates, he would tell them they were taking too much and make them put some of it back. And people lost their minds. He's like, no, that's too much chicken. You're not going to eat all that. And he would take it off their plate, and they would just scream at him. It's such a – it's so simple. It's like the best comedy premise is just the super simple comedy. premise, and that's very basic. When I used to do Ask Mr. Hardware for the man show, where I'd just go to the hardware store and sort of confront people and ask them what they're up to. The one thing that always worked is I'd just find a guy, and I'd go, what is that? And he'd go, it's a cordless drill. And I'd go, it's a little too much tool for you. I think we should put that back and maybe just get you like a four-in-one screwdriver. And it would work every day. They'd go nuts. Like, what are you talking about? How dare you? How dare you? Like, it's weird. Like, I think it's a weird shame thing mixed with they're not going to pull it off. Yeah, people are afraid to speak up. There was one with Harry Mendoff, and it was very simple, which was he's, like, the guy at the parking valley, and all the drivers are clearly, like, stunt drivers, and they had fake cars. So as you're, like, waiting, right when you drop off your car, the car in front of you pulls away, and they have, like, stunt guys fishtailing and doing crazy stuff. So you don't know if you should leave your car. Right. Because what they've done is so dangerous. and everyone still left their car. Oh, yeah. But they're afraid to say no. The funny thing about, here's the funny thing I find about Trump, is that he eats a lot of fast food, which I always think means that someone who's not thinking long term, he doesn't exercise. He's our first president who doesn't have any exercise regimen at all. I think about that every once in a while. I'm sort of, I'm angry and jealous, though, like the guys that go like, no. I mean, it's like that sort of Fonzie thing. It's like, I just got boots. I don't have tennis shoes. And you go, like, but what are you running? They go, I don't. And then you go, what do you – it's like some sort of old school thing. Yeah, because Bush would bike and, you know, I don't know if Obama ran or he played a lot of basketball. I think he – yeah, he played some hoops. But I do nothing and eating the Taco Bell. We've just never had a president so out of shape. Well, that's the world we're living in. You said with people getting fatter not being a thing anymore. It's like we have a president who is objectively overweight. He's fat. He's an obese man by any standard, and yet it's never discussed. It's never a joke. And the job ages the healthy. Like everyone in that job ages so fast. But I always wonder if there's something in his psyche, you know, because he's in this, like he's in a zone that I don't think anyone else is in. like he lives in his own bubble, that he may not feel any stress. I don't think he feels. I think you're right. That's interesting. I don't. I got to tell you, the couple encounters I had with him, one when I was doing the marriage ref, right, the Seinfeld show. He was on. Yeah, it was on with me and Gloria Estefan. Perfect trio right there. That's right. I'm on YouTube right now. I remember thinking I better bring the funny because I'm not sure if Trump and Gloria are going to pull this off. But he just walked up to me. He's like, hey, Adam. And I was like, hey, Don. And he's like, this is going to be the best episode ever. This is going to be the best. And then he paused and he went, it's going to be the most highly rated. You check. You check tomorrow. It's going to be the most highly rated episode they've ever aired. And I was like, I don't know how to check. I'd be scared to check. I'd never think to check. How do you know? And by the way, based on me, that's a zero. Then we got Gloria Esteban, you know, three and a half. And then there's you. Like, what are we basing this rating spike on? And then he walked. But for that moment, I felt good. Sure, you're on the scene. When he slapped me on the back and said, this is going to be the highest rating episode. You wait, you see, you check. And I was like, felt good. I think a lot. It's like, that's his number one appeal. Well, he's like Tom Vu, the real estate guy. Yeah. You're too scared, Whitey. You're too scared. You want bitches on a boat? You can't have. You can't have bitches on a boat. See these cars? Because right at the end of the campaign, I was watching one Trump speech. Tom Vu's the best. He was a real estate guy on infomercials. I come here in a coffee can from Vietnam. I clean dishes for 20 years. Now, look at me. Huge home, Florida. Bitches dripping from walls. Yes. Because he was excellent. In one of his last speeches, he literally started saying things that were very infomercial. He was saying to a huge crowd of thousands, all of your dreams are going to come true. And there's a lot of people in our country whose dreams are not going to come true. I mean, we all go for our dreams. and it's a very weird thing to sell to people, but he's really into metrics. You know, he's into how many people were at the inauguration, how many people watched The Marriage Ref, how many people watched The Apprentice, what are the polls, and as the polls don't service the idea in his head, it does lead him to a meltdown when people say, oh, he's the most unpopular person who is now the president that's ever been. I don't know how he handles it because it is about the Marriage Ref thing, And I feel like people who are into those numbers, on some level he's really not taking a moment to go, there's a kid about to have heart surgery waiting in Syria to get here who has a green card, and I've kept her out because it's about this larger number, like 3.2 million people. What's the marriage, ref? I, and I have no idea how it rated. I have a theory about that because it's interesting because Trump is very much into what happened to, you know, the celebrity apprentice and the marriage ref and who's number one and who's got the most and numbers, numbers, numbers. Also, by the way, what he does, that move where he's like slaps you on the back and goes, this thing's going to be number one. I guarantee it. Check tomorrow. It's a basic version of what every old black guy did at every boxing gym I used to go to, which he calls everyone champ. And you just walk in and you go, hey, champ, how you doing? And I love when people call me chief. Anyone calls me chief if I'm anywhere and I'm like, what can I get you, chief? I literally light up. I love it, too. I love champ and I love chief. Now, the thing that's crazy is, of course, I'm not a champion. No, those people are champions. Nor a chief. Nor a chief. But either way, feels good. And you get a lot of mileage because people go like, hey, what about that guy? I like that guy. You know, he assaulted his wife. I don't care. He seems like a good guy. Calls me champ. Oh, someone calls me boss. Oh, boss is nice. Boss is nice. Yeah, it's fascinating. My theory with Trump, but I don't know this. My theory that he has with his unpopular polling in terms of him as the president, I wonder if he does this thing where he goes, well, of course, if you tell kids to do their homework and get vaccinated, You're not going to get a very high score from those kids. This is me as a sort of dad of the nation giving some tough love to these people. Of course they're not going to want to hear it. What do you want to hear? That means it's effective. The ears of toddling. That means that's how you get stuff done. Yes. Like, I don't know, was Patton, was he popular with his troops? Or did he get the job done? I think he might go there in his head. Sure. To sleep at night. I think he has two sides. One side is a casino owner. So his whole thing is like patting everyone on the back going, you're going to win tonight. But the other side is I'm happy to take all of your money, and I'm in the other room trying to figure out how to make sure you don't have any money when you leave here. But I think that he, here's what I find most fascinating. I think he really thinks he's going to fix every single thing in the country. I think he really believes. I believe that too. Just by piece, I'm going to fix everything. But he's like a short-sighted person in the same way he doesn't really care about the environment or his own health. He doesn't have a long-term view. So he says to the Senate, switch the rule from 60 senators needed to approve a Supreme Court justice to 50 so we can get our guy through. He's not the guy who says, but yeah, but if I lose in four years, the Democrats now have that rule. Like, I don't, there's no time horizon for choices. No, I think it's, he's going toady fields. You know, the leg was gone. It's time to do some comedy. We're not going to be here forever. It's going to be a Bullworth situation is what you're saying. Yes, and I think that he's kind of doing a, I'm going to eat junk food, not going to work out. And, by the way, you know, if somebody said to you, look, you know, got hold of you when you were 30 and said, here's the deal. You can eat junk food for the rest of your life. You never have to work out ever again. You're going to be the president, and you can bang Euro models, but you die at 74. I probably would have taken that. It's a good 74 years. The other version is I marry a shrew and we die together in our 80s, and I'm miserable eating kale. I'm just going to go ahead and check the first box. Well, I always say my thing is I don't fear disease or death from eating. I fear eating perfectly my entire life and then getting hit by a bus and living long enough to know I could have eaten all of it. Yeah, I always thought about that. You never want to die on the way home from the gym. Does Trump make you nervous, though? I mean, there's two aspects to Trump, right? There's policy. And so you can say, I think there shouldn't be abortion for anyone. Or someone says, I think it's a woman's right to choose to control her body. And we all can debate these issues. Does cutting taxes for the rich help poor people in some way? And you can debate all these. But then there's a separate issue, which is, is this a stable, sane man that when something happens in the ocean with China, we are comfortable with the choice he will make? Are you comfortable with him just as a person making choices? I have said a million times, and maybe I've grown numb to the office of the presidency. I've always just said, whoever's in there doesn't make a difference to me, good or bad. You know, when Obama's talking about hope and change, I was like, there's not going to be hope in any change. I'm happy that other people are happy, but it never seems to touch me. Like me, my kids, my wife, my job, whatever it is, I just get up, go to work, pay taxes, go home, argue with my wife a little, beat off, and go to bed. That ritual shall not change. Do you beat off because of the argument? Sometimes mid-argument. Sometimes that's what we're arguing about. Why are you beating off right now? You're arguing that takes a quick turn on a pivot, actually, after the thrill. I was mad before. I'm always in that mode of, like, look, calm down, everybody. Whether you're excited, like, he's going to do this for me, or you're freaked out, he's going to screw me. I'm always like, he's just going to be president. You won't note it. So I'm sort of in that mode. You have no war terror. Like, this is the guy from The Apprentice. I don't really trust him. No, maybe I should. Maybe I should. But I have a very great capacity to take things and go, can I do anything about this? Like, sadly, when it comes to eating right and exercise, unfortunately, I can do something about that. So that's a battle. When it comes to whatever he's doing over there, there's really nothing I can do about it. So once in my mind there's nothing I can do about it, I free myself to move on. Now, you're not Jewish, are you? No. See, I think there's an element. An element. Well, you could go either way. Well, the thing that was funny about me is the entire time I worked in the San Fernando Valley as a carpenter, nobody ever accused me of being Jewish. Accused? Well, what could say is a bit of an accusation on the construction site? I love the charge of you. Jewish. As soon as I got into comedy, everyone's like, well, you're a Jew. You understand. That's a compliment. That's a compliment. But it's the exact same person. You just shift professions Exactly And you switch religions But no not Jewish Because I think that and I sure this is true for people from all different cultures and for different reasons I was never religious at all My family, not at all. My parents, all they said about religion was, nobody said life was fair. That was the only spiritual advice we had in the house. But there's a lot of Holocaust talk. There's a lot of World War II talk. And I certainly am not calling the administration or the president a Nazi. But what this situation does when there's certain authoritarian leanings, it wakes up a genetic part of you that goes, this is the moment when I'm supposed to say we have to stand up and say stop. So I wish I was like you because I thought about it. I thought about going, you know what, just write some checks to some people that you think can stand up for some values you believe in, and that's all you really can do. I mean, you can kid yourself, but you can't do much more than that. and then get in your house, shut the door, and then four years later, open the door and see what's out there. It might be Mad Max. It might be the world is perfect. He fixed the world like he fixed the skating rink in Central Park. Maybe you're wrong about everything. Maybe the entire world has been covered in marble. And the whole world looks like Trump Tower. Super classy. Like the Trump Tower lobby. So I think all of us who are concerned, because some people aren't concerned at all, are going, what do we do? Are we supposed to do something, or do we go this process? There will be checks and balances. What scares me is when there's no checks and balances, when you control the Supreme Court, the Senate, the Congress, and you think the guy's a little shaky, it's pretty scary that there's no one who could go, like, ease up, slow down a little bit. Yeah, like, again, you Wishinger wired a little more like me, sort of weak and apathetic with no moral compass is probably not something to strive toward. But, okay, I just have this, you know, I see people march and hold signs and stand up and go, not on my watch and stuff like that. But I don't really know what not on my watch means or that kind of stuff. Like, I just feel like he's going to do what he does. You'll disagree with a lot of it. Some of it will turn out to be a benefit. and whatever it is, I'm just going to go take care of my family and pay my taxes. That's about it. What would touch you that you would go, oh, shit. Like, is there any issue you go, this is when it gets to me? Is it just money, the economy? Like, when the economy crashed in 2008, did it affect you? Yeah. I got let go from my radio job because the whole, I'd say, Brian, I don't know what your take is, But that had to do with the economy. Everything was just turning down. It was a one-to-one ratio. And when they change the rules now and they say, all those rules we created to prevent that from happening so banks don't do things which are reckless, and we're going to get rid of all those rules, is there any part of you that goes, holy shit, I could lose a lot of money now because we're going to get rid of all the things that prevent the crash? I don't, again, like if I knew somebody I could blow a call into or if I felt like I had any juice at all, I really just, like the economy went bad. I lost my radio job. There were no other radio jobs, which is something I never anticipated. See, I always figured, well, here's what's going to happen to you career-wise. You're going to say something horrible on the air, and you're going to get fired from your radio job. But don't worry. There will be other radio jobs where once they find out, you know, you'll be like a star wide receiver who punched his coach and is cut off that team. But do not worry. There are many other teams who will be happy to have a star wide receiver. I didn't know the whole league was going to fold. Because when the whole league folded, now you're a wide receiver, but the skill isn't really much good anywhere but in the league, and there's no other team to go to because everybody is folding. And that's what happened with me and radio in circa 2008, 2009, and that's why I started podcasting. But so it turned out to be a mitzvah, as your people and my people, now that I do comedy, would say. So I had no idea. But in terms of Trump, again, it's like I just go to work every day and control all the stuff you can control. I feel like the people who try to control the stuff, whether it's Trump or the guys driving in front of them that just cut them off, like if you're in a I'm-going-to-control-things-I-can't-control mode, it's a super frustrating life. Oh, I know it. I'm in it right now. But it's also connected to other issues I have, which is like hoarding, you know, just safety and hypervigilance. I have hypervigilance. I actually have an appointment with a psychologist today, at the end of the day, because my hoarding has gotten bad, and I also do all these, like, counting things. Do you have any of that? Yes. You know, I have this thing where I... I like the counting. I'm interested in this counting thing because everyone knows I'm not very idiosyncratic. I don't have... I don't walk around telephone poles. I'm not religious. I'm not spiritual. I don't believe in jinxes. And, you know, I don't care about stuff in general. Yes. But, yes, I count. I never talk about counting. How do you do it? I'll tell you how I do it. I used to watch TV. I would sit in my room and I would tap the chair. I had this one chair. I would lean back against this armor and watch the Mike Douglas show every day. And I would count the syllables of the guests. And I would always try to end on an even. and then I would pause for like five seconds and just start again. And I still do that. And then I also unconsciously just, with my hands or my toes, flicking my toes. I'm counting, or sometimes I forget to count, but I'm just like flicking my toes. And it's some sort of thing that gives me comfort. But if you're watching TV and your feet are at the end of the bed and you're constantly flicking your toes, you will annoy other people. Yeah, and I don't know if it's healthy and just something I do or something that is making me a nervous wreck. I want to talk about hypervigilance because Dr. Drew diagnosed me with hypervigilance. What did he say? I will tell you, and I will tell you about counting first. 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There you go. Well, because you've been married 20 years. My anniversary is this year. Congratulations. Thank you. You've done everything. There's no creative thing to do anymore. And so, oh, yeah. What's your high watermark? Did you set the bar too high? I had a mariachi band come out once. That's pretty high. Oh, that's for the anniversary. So in the morning, there's a mariachi band on the front stoop. I've tried the large gestures, but at some point, You're not creative enough to think of anything else fantastic because there's a lot of holidays. You've got birthdays. You've got Valentine's Day. You've got Christmas. You've got to come through. That's a seven-year itch. You run over good ideas. I need more ideas. I'm going to get this thing that you have. The books. The books. The books. I'm in. The hypervigilance. The hypervigilance is, for me, how it – I think here's a couple of things that created it. One, Brezhnev. When Brezhnev was the leader in Russia, and so I was 10 and, you know, 77, and there was many years where it really felt like we were going to have a nuclear war. It just felt very intense around the world, and that scared the shit out of me. They made you drill and get under the desk, and they were selling bomb shelters and stuff. Like, people had bomb shelters in their front lawns and stuff like that. And so, yeah, it's funny. I was talking to Drew about this, getting back to Trump, but not wanting to dwell on it. But I said, you know, when he was talking about, you know, the march and the women and the this and the that and everyone hitting the streets and everything, he said, you know, what do you think? And I said, I think it's a, I like it, but what I don't like is when you terrorize the kids. Like when they have the five-year-old girls out there going, I want to keep my ovaries. And she's holding a sign. It's like, don't freak her out because she doesn't really have a context for this. You, my wife, your wife, Brian's wife, they don't fear that their ovaries are going to be taken by Trump. But you tell that to a six-year-old that he's coming for you or a young black child or a young Hispanic child. Like, he's coming for you. And it's like, that'll freak a kid out, even if it didn't turn out that we got into a, you know, exchange nuclear bombs with Russia. Yes, as a young person, I was the same age, you were, had this freak out kind of, oh my God. It's my sort of, there's a serial killer loose phenomenon. To the adults, like statistically, what are the chances he's coming to our house? To the 10-year-old, he's definitely coming to our house. Oh, sure. I remember seeing Carl Wallenda fall off of a tightrope in Spain and land on a cab. I think it changed my entire life. I remember the visual of him. They covered it a lot. The thing that freaked me out about the Wallendas, and I guess they're right, they call themselves the Flying Wallendas, and he did for about three seconds, and then he hit a cab. And they fell on the triangle. They used to do the pyramid, and they all fell. Yeah. And bunches of them got really messed up. The thing that cracked me up, or not cracked me up, but freaked me out about Carl Wallenda in Brazil or wherever he's going, he's going from like building to building and it started getting a little windy and he started to get the little speed wobbles in there. And the thing that freaked me out as a young person about that is how little his effort was to save his life. Sure. He had no net. He had nothing below him. It was in Puerto Rico. Okay. So there he is. He's an older guy at this point. He's probably 71, 72. He's the senior member of the Melendez. He's going to do the walk. He starts walking, and it starts getting a little unstable. And so he tries to sort of kneel down on the cable to take a rest or hang on. And then he sort of rolls off, and it's not like Cliffhanger. He just goes. He just goes. He's trying to keep it just solid, and then he just falls over. The effort that he made to hang on to that table was no more than what you would do if you're goofing around over an above-ground pool, and the wire was five feet above the pool, and you didn't want to get your shirt wet. Yeah. Like, it was about the same effort, but with his life. Yeah. And I've found that it's weird that human beings, not, you know, outside of action movies, don't seem to have that, like, oh, my God, if my fingers come loose from this wire, I will be dead four seconds later. He had a sort of casualness about it. Like, it was almost like, well, I'm dying. Here we go. He wasn't, I would have wrapped my legs around it and hugged the thing and waited for the paramedics to push me off. Well, he probably had moments like that before where some strategy worked, and it just didn't work. And as a kid, I would have nightmares about that. And, you know, the nuclear war fears, and then my parents got divorced, and there was a lot of hysteria around. And it gave me this feeling like, you better be on your fucking shit. You better get a job. You better have a long plan. You are not safe. And what it did was it helped me be a good producer. It helped me be forward-thinking. I guess that's what bothers me about Trump is I'm very forward-thinking. A year before I shoot a movie, I'm thinking about what could go wrong with the movie, where we're going to go over budget, where we're going to go over time. So when there's a guy who doesn't think about where the pollution gets us in 5, 10 years, it panics me. And the problem with that is when you go home, when you're always worried about things going wrong, you are succeeding in business because of that, but it doesn't make you a pleasant person to be around in life. Well, this is interesting. So I'm curious how your hypervigilance manifests itself, how you would describe, because Dr. Drew pointed out to me that I have hypervigilance. hypervitually. I also have obsessive compulsive disorder, which means worrying so much about doing things correctly that ultimately you screw it up. So you're just running it and running it and running it, but you're not actually doing anything, and then somehow that makes things get screwed up. How it might work for me is my wife and I, we will say, okay, we're going to go to this, every year we go to this dinner, Vanity Fair has a dinner for the Oscars where people watch the Oscars. I will panic about how long the traffic might be. And so my wife likes to get there on time or a little late. I love being first person there or very early. I will usually screw up and assume too much time for traffic or security checks and get her there 30 minutes before. Right. Like when people are still, like, putting out the tablecloths. Right. But I'm in a little bit of a panic all day about, I wonder when we're going to leave. Yeah. For no reason. And I don't even care that much about getting there on time. It's like another system. And what I noticed that was I went to go see Carrot Top in Vegas. Now, I think he's fucking hysterical. I thought the show was great. It really was silly. It made me laugh. But I had the same feeling about going to see Carrot Top, which was, oh, my God, what time should we leave? How long is the walk to get to that casino? Are we going to get there in time? My wife always wants to land in the seat the second the lights go off. Yeah, I'm with her, but I'm with you in that I – and remind me to tell you about my numbers thing because I've kind of teased it. You want me to hop on and tell the listeners something they never knew about your numbers. You do? I do. What do you know? Oh, well, I don't want to interrupt your story. I'm just reminding to remind. Okay. Go ahead. Oh, you have something about your numbers? Yeah, about your numbers. Okay, good. Have a revelation. Now, some of this may be your wife and my wife as well, because I find myself having these conversations. Yesterday, I had this crazy schedule where I did a show in Sacramento, then we did a show in Fresno, then we drove all night, then we came back to L.A. at like 1, 2 in the morning. then I had to be back at my shop, not here, the other shop, to open it up for a bunch of old car nut guys, 100 guys from the Peterson Museum were coming through to look at a bunch of Newman race cars at 8 in the morning, and then I was throwing a Super Bowl party that afternoon. So I had, like, no sleep and no whatever, and at a certain point I came home at, like, noon, and I said, I'm taking a nap for an hour, maybe an hour and 20 minutes, but we need to be wheels up at the shop, setting up, you know, Jimmy's bringing his hot wings and blah, blah, blah. And I did the thing where I was like, we need to be leaving here about 10 to 2. Now I'm going to take a nap. And everyone said, yeah, yeah, 10 to 2. And I went, no, seriously, 10 to 2. And they're like, yeah, oh, yeah, let's see a 10 to 2. And I was like, look, I'm going to go take a nap. And then when I come up from my nap and I come out here at about 1.30, you guys are going to need to be, like, dressed and ready to go so that we can be in the car driving. And I realize a lot of that's me, but a lot of it's the company I keep as well, too, because there have been way too many times where I got out of the nap and everyone was, like, sitting in a jacuzzi at 2.03 going, what? And I just go, I thought we were leaving. Oh, yeah, I don't know. What did that? Yeah, I forgot. So a lot of it is people can push you that direction. My daughter does that. My daughter is 14, and I'll just, you know, we'll have to leave, whatever, 730, and I'll peek my head at 725, and she is just, like, stepping out of a shower. Right. And then I'm just like, what is happening? Right. Now, Dr. Drew said I have hypervigilance. For me, it's a visual thing. If I'm driving in a car and there's something going on in the rearview mirror, it's like someone is jiggling keys in front of me. There's no such thing as me not seeing everything around me. I've said it a million times. I've never been in a car accident, and I drive like an asshole. It's because I see everything, and I see what's going on before it happens. I can tell when somebody looks like they're going to start to move lanes and do this and do that. Is that why you like car racing and making documentaries about car racing? Probably. The other thing I do is I'm the guy who, like, can't wrap his mind around people not responding to their name. Whereas, like, I'll be at a party and I'll hear the guy's wife go, like, Jim. And I'll be talking to Jim and he'll just be talking. And I'll go, Jim. And I'll go, I'm not named Jim, but you're named Jim. And your wife is yelling your name. How come? I don't know why. I got, and then I get weird when people don't. Like, I walked into my, I have a nanny named Olga who's in the whole bathroom with the hollow corridor just sitting in there. And I just walked in and I went like, Olga? No response. Then I yell at my daughter, Natalia, where's Olga? And she's like, Olga's in the bathroom. And I'm just standing right beside the door. And I go, oh, Olga? She goes, yeah. I go, why did I go through that? Why wouldn't you? Yeah. I can hear you clear as day, by the way. I know my voice is getting to you because you're getting to me. The first time I come in, I just go, Olga, why not go? I'm in the bathroom. She's on the phone. We're going to have a conversation about you. But why? She's hoping to be left alone. Yeah, she's playing something on the phone. My numbers are not an obsessive-compulsive thing. I'll do a thing where it's like if I drink my horrible green mush drink that Olga makes me for breakfast that I don't want to have to drink, but I do it because I'm trying to be healthy, I will count the sips. Like, I will do, like, I'm taking ten chugs of this thing. Like, I don't really like the way it tastes, but in order to do it, I'll just go with ten. I'll just one, two, three, and put it down. When I go do stuff I don't want to do, like go dunk myself in my freezing cold swimming pool in the morning because somebody said I should, I'll hold myself underwater and I'll go, I'll do it for 20 seconds, and I'll just hold myself. I don't want to count. And a lot of stuff I do will be like count steps, things like that, but it's to get me through it. I have the opposite. I hate counting. Like if I have a personal trainer, which I do rarely, and they say, okay, we're going to do three rounds of 15, in my head I go, I've got to count to fucking 45. I don't even want to do the lifting. I don't even want to do the counting. But do you feel like you – so you and I grew up in many ways. We had a lot of the same components, which is I think, oh, my God, my parents are nuts, and they're not going to do anything for me, and I've got to go do something, otherwise I'm going to win or die. They were fighting about money. And so I think so in my head I went, oh, if I make enough money, all these fights go away. And that was a really powerful thing. And, you know, they say that, you know, your pipes in your brain, your neurological pipes, they get set early. Like I get nervous about things. Sometimes my wife will just, like, touch me from behind. I jump. Right. And I'm, like, built a certain way, and it's pretty hard to deprogram all of those things that you developed as a kid. What are you going to talk about with the therapist this afternoon in terms of hyperventilates? Yeah, I'd like to know if it's bad. You know, like, I was watching this thing online. They're talking about, like, tapping. Like, people, like, tap their chest, you know, one hand, the other hand, one hand, the other hand, and they say it does something that connects the hemispheres of your brain, and it calms you down. So one of my main questions is, is there anything wrong with doing this? Should I be trying to do something to get rid of certain behaviors, or is it not a big deal? Well, obviously your process has led you to a ton of success. Yeah, it doesn't get in the way of your... It gets in the way of just enjoying things, because when you have so much going on in your head, in a lot of ways you're just not present. You know, if I'm here and we're talking, I'm like, okay, I've got that meeting for that writing meeting. I think I have three hours. I've got to go over like five stories. I didn't read two of them. I'll read them on the way back in the car. Right. Like I'm just running. I'm pacing myself all the time. Yeah, it's a way to sort of not be present because there's so much out there on your plate that you cannot not focus on. And so when you're having a moment talking to your wife or talking to your daughter and you're trying to be present, there's always one part of your brain that's over here on the project, so to speak. Well, is there a danger I can prevent? It might be something that isn't dangerous at all, but there's part of your brain that's like, you should be thinking about something that you can stop from happening, that you can get organized. And the crazy part is it helps in business. It helps that you're the guy that anticipates a problem, fix it before it happens. But it screws up everything else. So we'll see. Maybe she'll just go, you know, Judd, you're doing great. Keep counting. It's a good strategy. I want to hear Brian's number story. I do also want to say that, sadly, the therapist for me has always been like, you go, I want to know, is this good? Is this serving me? Is this right? Is this wrong? And they go, if it works for you, then it's good. It's not good. It's not bad. It's how you work. And you'll get this sort of thing. I torture squirrels on almost daily basis. Well, it's good for you. It's bad for the family, the squirrels. But if that's for you, and I can't tell you, and it's like there is that part of you that wants them to be a little more transmission mechanic. Sure. Where they go, I dropped the transmission. You got some bad bearings. You got some bad gears. We're going to go ahead and replace those. And you go, good. Fix it. instead they just go I don't know how do you feel about the transmission and you go I don't know I feel like it could be better and they're like well perhaps it could be better but it could be worse I run all the self help I've ever read in my life so I'll hoard self help books and read all of them and in my head I'll be like okay I need to stay in the moment and I have to let everything go but I have to be aware of what I've done in the past and then try not to do it in the future and I need to breathe but I also So it needs to be, you know, I can do it all day long, and then I'm in a panic. I'm literally, like, getting an adrenaline rush from thinking of my self-help shit. Yeah, well, yeah, thinking about being in the moment means you're out of the moment. Weird irony. All right, I'm going to hear about Brian and the numbers thing he's never passed along to me that he knows about. All right. First, I'll tell you about True Car. True Car. Ah, there's some numbers. This is a numbers game. So 700,000 pre-owned vehicles to choose from, 13,000 true car certified dealers nationwide. So whether you want new, whether you want used, we're looking to, again, pretty much have a choice. Is it new? Is it used? It is true car. Discounts off of a list price, better buying experience. See what others paid for the car you want, and then connect with your local certified dealer. Enjoy a quick, easy buying experience, apples to apples. Find out the exact car they have and the one you want and what everyone paid for that car with all the options in your area. Get your certificate. Lock it in. Go to your certified dealer. Pick up your new or used new-to-you car. So new, used, just visit them. Truecar.com. Truecar.com. Just go online. Whether it's new, whether it's used, it is truecar.com. All right. Before we wrap it up, Brian? We all have those moments in our lives that we're only us, we're privy to, and it's like, oh, that's just something I observed. I've been standing more or less five feet away from Adam for the better part of, professionally, for the better part of, I don't know, 13 years or something like that. And I have noticed many, many times, and no one else notices it because my purview is right here, right in front of you, your hands and your face and all that. That's where I stand for the show. You will often, when a caller's talking, when a guest is talking, when you're thinking, you'll just make numbers, numbers in a row. Sometimes it'll be 11 through 13. Sometimes it'll be 7 through 11. And you'll just make numbers, and they'll be in order, and they'll be in sequence, and you'll write 7, 8, 9, 10, and then you'll trace over 7, 8, 9, 10. They'll be thicker and thicker. And it's one of those things I was like, Adam, Adam's into counting. Yeah, it's weird. I don't even – I know I do it, but I don't think about it. It's on your notes on some piece of paper in front of you minimum once a week. They say that doodling actually helps you be more creative, and that people who doodle in a meeting, like if they're, like, drawing a kitten or shapes and pyramids or whatever, that it actually puts them in a creative flow. There's something about it. So the doodling is not about not paying attention. It's a way of paying attention. It's strange. Where were you when I was in junior high with my tee-pee folder? He is paying attention. Look. On a sadish note, I don't know why. The only thing worse, back to the Super Bowl before we bring it home here, The only thing worse than taking the money line on the underdog and having the underdog up 28 to 3 as you go into the fourth quarter is this move that people do, and it drives me nuts. I called my guy, Rob, who's cleaning up the other shop after the Super Bowl party, and he did this one. He went, hey, man, how about that game last night? I said, yeah. He goes, good for you, right? You had the Pats. And I said, no, I didn't. I had Atlanta. And he's like, oh, I thought you had the Pats. And I was like, well, that's clear because we just discussed that. But no, so you didn't have the Pats. No, I had Atlanta. I had the money line. Oh, yeah, if you'd taken the Pats. I said, Rob, I didn't take the Pats. I know, but if you'd take the Pats, then you'd – you don't need to explain how gambling works to me, Rob. I did not take the Pats. This was bad. It's getting a lot worse. Who are these people? He's literally going, well, the people that took the pass won. And you're not in that group. But you wouldn't be part of that fraternity, would you? And I'd be like, no, stop. Why? Who are the people who have to coast to a stop with their wrong assumption? Like they go, like, it's not like I've done the move where, you know, the doors, they say push and they say pull. They shouldn't start with the first two letters. It screws me up. But I'll grab it, and I'll push it when I should have pulled it, and I'll go, oh, I'm wrong. And then I'll correct it. But I don't sit there and slowly wean myself off of my. Ever slightly lower tug? Rob has to wean himself off his incorrect assumptions. Like, you took the pass, right? No, I took Atlanta. So not at all? No, I took Atlanta. I took the money in Atlanta. Oh, I thought you took the. Yes, please. Can we just end it at this point where... Does Tom Brady's greatness bother you, or do you admire it? I admire it, and it's both. Yes, it's both. I don't know about your party, but where I was, when he tied the game up one overtime, I screamed out loud and maybe made an ass to myself, Tom Brady's the fucking antichrist, because no one should be able to do what he does. I always feel bad just for the people who are collapsing. So that's why I can't really enjoy sports that much, because I was such a nerd so bad at sports that my mind goes straight to the tears of the other people. So I can't luxuriate in this amazing feat because I just think, oh, the pain. The poor Atlanta. And Atlanta let them do it. I mean, they threw a pass on third and one with eight minutes left. Let's just stuff the ball up the middle. Maybe get your first down. But if not, just stuff it up the middle and run the clock and punt it and pin them deep. It's over. Why did that happen? Tell me how you think that actually happened, that call. I'll just say quick, I was listening to Keyshawn Johnson on the radio coming in, and he theorized that Kyle Shanahan runs the offense. Dan Quinn's the defensive guy, and Kyle Shanahan runs the offense. I think it was a little bit of hubris. He thought it was a little bit of hubris of, like, this is the guy who got us here. This is the MVP. We're riding our guy all the way. This is going to win him the MVP and maybe bid him a little bit. That happened a couple of years ago, didn't it? There was another big play like that. Yeah, that was Seattle. That was ironically Tom Brady. If you go and really break that down, Marshawn Lynch had been stuffed at the goal line quite a few times coming into that. The play they called did score most of the time. It was a tremendous defensive effort. Talking about now the Seattle Patriots. Yeah, where the DB shut the door. It was a good call, and it did work statistically better than handing it to Lynch. Everyone just went with, what is that crazy call? But when you break it down, this is just, yeah, it's a little overconfident. We're riding. We're going to close this game up. And if they just, by the way, they had a yard and a half to get. There's nothing to say they couldn't have run for a yard and a half, moved the chains, run the clock, and so on and so forth. Can I plug one thing before the release? I'm going to plug, but you plug too. Okay. The other thing I was going to tell people is that our show Love, which is on Netflix, is coming back in the middle of March. That's with Paul Rust and Gillian J. It's March 10th, by the way. And so that, are you binging a lot? Do you binge all the shows or you don't care? No, I don't know how to binge, but I will if you tell me to binge. You don't need to. You don't need to. I shall. I'm not even saying that's how you should watch it because there are certain shows that I watch like once every three months over like eight years. I slow a binge down. You know, I'm three seasons into Breaking Bad and I've been watching it for like seven years. I guess that's the pace I like to watch it at. So, Love, that's Netflix, season two, March 10th. Then we've got Girls Final Season coming back. That's February 12th. That's 10 o'clock, of course. Then we've got Crashing, Pete Holmes. And then the Crashing Tour. And the main one that is in L.A. on the 18th at the Regent. Right. You, Pete, and Artie. Which is PeteHolmes.com. You can get it. And there will be some special guests at all of these. I think it looks like Dave Attell is going to do the one in New York on the 18th. Then we're going to be in San Francisco at the Herbst Theater on the 22nd. And we're in Philly at the Trocadero. And all these are for different charities. Excellent. Us, live shows, wherever. You can go to AdamCarolla.com and find out what we're up to. My next car racing doc, the 24-Hour War, although I'm doing a K-Rock doc that Judd would probably enjoy seeing as well. So we've got a lot of stuff going on. You can get a chassis, C-H-A-S-S-Y.com, a Carolla Drinks, get a little Mangria. you can watch me on a match game coming up with Baldwin. That's February 15th, so we'll keep you posted. How's that? I got asked to do that. I got scared and said no. I just got scared. It's fun. It's easy. It's fun and easy, except for me, I can't spell. And my handwriting is horrible. So when I got to spell something and hold it up, it's the worst position you could ever put me in. But Baldwin got hold of me personally. He's like, Adam, you need to do me a favor. I need some comedy on this show. You've got to come out and do it. Shut up and they'll drop down the last minute. Shut up and down. Screw the truth. We tried to get Tony Fields. Turns out she's not with us anymore. God rest her soul. We got her legs, but that's it. Not nearly as big as people remember it, by the way. Go back and wait. All right. So, until next time, it's Adam Kroll for Judd Apatow. And Paul Bryan saying, mahalo. I want to keep my ovaries. All right. That's Adam Kroll's show 2004 with the great Judd Apatow. And up next, we have Adam Kroll's show 1065. featuring plain white tees along with Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This one from 2013. Good day, Alison Rosen. Hello, Adam Carolla. Good day, bald Brian. Macaroni and cheese. That's today's top drop. Hashtag top drop requested by several people. First by Michael Whalen. So thanks, Michael. Macaroni and cheese. I love that Delilah song of theirs. I got to tell you, I'm a sucker. I don't know. I'm not sure what to call stuff like pop. But I just love a pop song. I think pop works. I think pop works. It's a ditty. Yeah. And one of the few. It's almost like I can hear it now, Brian. Hence the conversation we had on the phone eight minutes ago. But there's not a lot of new songs that I listen to and that I dig. And I just dig this song. But then I realized, like, almost most songs about chicks I like. Or songs about Jesus. When you think they're about girls for a second, you like them. I praise you. But now, Steve, do you have the thing that I have, which is I don't think I'm exposed to new music as much anymore. Not at all. Not at all. I'm that way. Yeah. I'm with you 100%. Yeah. It used to be you just have to. Yeah. It'd be on the radio. Your friend would be playing it. Or I used to go to clubs, and I used to see live music a lot. Now you have to pay me. Also, there's the thing where a movie would have a huge song in it. Yeah. And you couldn't escape the Rocky song or even Laverne and Shirley. I don't really know the Big Bang Theory theme song. You know what I mean? It doesn't get played on the radio. Do they even have theme songs anymore? Yeah, they do. They might be giants or something. It does some sort of nerd rock version or whatever. but it's not like, I would watch Rockford Files because I wanted to hear the Rockford Files song. I would watch Alvin and the Chipmunks because I wanted to hear the Alvin and the Chipmunks song. Plus, in mysterious ways. Songs and movies are inextricably linked. The movie song was that movie. Nowadays, movies use the same songs. If I hear that, what is it, How You Like Me Now? That's in a lot of movies and trailers and commercials and TV shows. So I had a nice visit with my mom and stepdad today. You guys tell me what you'd do if you knew her me. First off, a lot of comedy with my family. We're not intimate people, so we like to talk about stuff. So it's usually a lot of talk about, it kind of goes like this. John and I found a really dynamite place for breakfast. It's off of La Brea. It's west of First Street. I'm already not going there. Yeah. Mode, you know, it's already out of range mode for me. Right. Is it east of First, John? West. Okay, yeah. It's west. It's on the – well, it's on First. The address may be on First or – anyway. If you like muffins, if you like muffins – and I just think to myself, I always just have the same thought, which is you're going to be 80 in a couple of months and we'll all be dead in a few years. How much muffin talk? I don't eat muffins. I never talk about muffins. Rarely do I weave it into a conversation. I'm not like a lemon or poppy seed. What kind of dude are you? Because I want to know if we can hang. Right. But then we have a conversation about this breakfast place that I'm never going to go to and about muffins for a long period of time. Right. It sounds like you're having conversations about stuff to avoid actually relating. You aren't, but that's what's happening. If we were both muffin chefs, I could see this would be a little lopsided, a little heavy in the muffin-related conversation. We have to talk shop again. But we talk about muffins and that kind of stuff. And then we, you know, yeah, it's good. You know, it's America. It's not dressy, it's not fancy, but it's very consistent. Do you get baited into keeping up your end of the conversation and being like, and what kind of muffins do they have? I just do the, well, if we're going to talk about nothing, let's just talk about nothing. So then we start talking about, well, breakfast joints are always crowded. Yeah, well, this one's crowded too, but I wouldn't go on a Sunday. That kind of talk. So we talk about nothing for a while. The best part is the book. I'm going to make it to one year, I've realized. I had to go up and check on Amazon. Not Taco Bell material. June 2nd, I do believe. Is it a year since it came out? I think June 2nd. It could have been the other book. We'll figure it out. Yeah, I went and checked. It's June 2nd. So my mom, every time she comes over, says, Do you have a book around? And I say, Got a book on muffins, bitch. No, I say, sorry, June 12th. June 12th. So I say, you know, the book, no, I mean, not here. I got at the shop. I got some at the shop. I don't have any here. She goes, oh, okay. She never says, why don't you have your book here? She just goes, oh, okay, she's checking. She never follows up with, because I'd like to read it? Oh, that's implied. That's implied. It's implied. You can take a survey if you have books lying around. I think you can probably go to Amazon, now that the paperback's out, probably get a used one for $7.99. But I think it's a point of pride for her, not paying for her son's book. But since her son's not giving up the book, now we've got ourselves an old-fashioned muffin standoff. Right. So we're going on a year. We're sneaking up on a year here with no Readsie on the Booksy. I would assume she doesn't want to read it, is my assumption. Oh, $8.27. Sorry, I was way off for the used one. Because you think that if she really wanted to read it, she would do what most people do and just go buy it? I have a theory in life, which is people do what they want to do, and you know by whether they're doing it or not. Yeah. Homeless guys have $200 a day coke habits that they seem to maintain. I don know how a guy who doesn have a job can maintain a a day coke habit They find a way They do find a way And I know when somebody really is into something they find a way to get I mean it can be drugs Oh, look, sex, whatever sex you're into, whatever you're into. I mean, like I said, all those to catch a predator things. The guy drove from Fresno to Flagstaff and he just went all night, you know. And I'm sure the night before, his 51-year-old old lady said, hey, could you take the garbage out? And he's like, Jesus Christ, you're my Samson over here? Like, I can't. I need a couple days. But they can drive all night for pussy. So I've pretty much decided, and I've seen it in many people in my life, that when they want to do something, they're pretty good at it. And when they don't want to do something, it doesn't really get done. So you will know, not by what the person says, but by what the person does, whether they really want to do something. So I'm assuming she doesn't want to do it. And when you start looking at the world that way, it's really depressing. Well, I mean, it's really realistic. It is. It's the only truth you need to know. Yeah. And look, whether someone says, I want to do stand-up comedy, and you talk to them two years later, and they're still telling you, I'm thinking about trying out stand-up, they're not interested. Chris Rock was doing stand-up when he was 13. He's interested in stand-up. That's how you know. When you meet the 41-year-old guy who's still thinking about doing his first open mic-er, not into stand-up, which is fine. Don't tell the guy who knows everything what you're planning on doing when you've never done it before. So you think she's just asking if you have the book that's just courtesy? No. She would take it and she would read it. But there's a difference between, you know, So, listen, I'll read the in-flight magazine if I'm stuck in a chair long enough. When you want something, you seek it out. She's not. You're not going to subscribe. She's not seeking. But that's fine because it works fine. It's fine with me, and I think it's fine with her as well. It's funny that she asks every single time she comes to the house, and every single time I just go, I don't have to vote. And that's the end of that discussion. Now, dilemma. First off, updates. I always love this with family updates. Our neighbors, our old-time neighbors, who I realized weren't going real far in life at some point, moved out, and they moved up north, and my mom is insisting on staying in touch. The boy, who's a couple years older than me now, was growing up, we're, you know, friends. Good news on his three kids. the son, who was shot in the head by the friend in his blind, is adapting, learning skills and crafts, and doing pretty well, considering he's fairly new to the blind game. The two daughters, they're out of prison. Wonderful! The twins are out of prison. Wonderful! So they're doing fantastically. What were they in prison for? Well, all I know is when I asked about the two 21-year-old twins, how are they doing? I said, how's one of them doing? and my wife said, oh, you know, she's in prison. And then I said, how's the other one doing? And she said, not so good. And I remember I thought, the one who's in prison, that's the one who's, that's the lead? That's the benchmark? We hope the other one can get up to the incarcerated part? Wow. Yeah. So they both separately ended up in prison then? Yeah, it's not, it's unfair. I assume they committed some kind of twin crime. Oh, I thought, no, it's unfair if, like, Sonny decided to go rogue and they pulled Natalia out of Yale and went, sorry. Sonny Rob, that's 7-Eleven and Cartina, you're going in, too. That's the bond of twins. Yeah. No, but my mom keeps track of a lot of life's misfits and then reports back to me on them. But I feel like we could probably talk about, you know, muffins and other things that were more interesting. So, now here's the dilemma. and you tell oh by the way Merlene a long time friend of the family Merlene long time friend of the family used to do a little babysitting and stuff she's featured in Hoarders wow my mom says your mom knows celebrities featured is the word and without an ounce of judgment does she know what Hoarders is oh yeah she thinks it's that John Popper tour are the Black Crow going out with them this year. It's almost like a roast joke. Like, I saw your episode of Hoarders. It was great. She says without any judgment whatsoever, Merlene featured in Hoarders. Wow. Featured. Profiled. Awesome. So, now the dilemma question. Okay. It's a big question. You guys tell me what you would do. So, we're just sitting there, just kind of sitting, talking about muffins. and, you know, shooting shit about muffins. And at a certain point, my stepdad, John, gets up and says, I'm going to go to the car and get my sunglasses. He gets up in the car, gets the sunglasses, and then my mom says, Oh, you did that race last weekend. Now, you won one class of that or something? What was the story there? And I said, Well, I'll tell you the story. And she said, hold on, hold on, wait, let's wait for John. He's going to want to hear this. And I said, okay. And we sat there, and two minutes later, John came back, sat down, and we continued the muffin talk. And then an hour later, my mom piped up and said, John's too shy to ask, but do you think you can get him on a tour of Jay Leno's garage? And I said, I think I'd probably arrange that. Then we talked about Jay Leno for 10 minutes. A little more muffin talk. End of visit. They never asked again about the race? Never came up. So here's the question. Now, the back story is John was invited to come out to Long Beach to watch said race last week and declined. Bowed out. Bowed out. Now, saw him. He didn't say, like, hey, man, sorry, but I rolled my ankle on the way of the car. It was just, it never happened. Yeah. It never happened. Not an issue. do bizarre that they would bring up something in the automotive world again right like that's kind of a ballsy ass clear clear of it no pun right but uh there should be you know the way those things normally are supposed to work when you're wired correctly is hey man huge win at long beach heard all about it on the alternate real exciting well speaking of cars your buddy jay leno do you think john could swing by and take a look at uh a guy's not a real race car driver like yourself over there. That kind of thing is a little sunshine up the ass and then a nice transition over to the autumn. Now, this was just, hey, can you do this for me? Now, here's the question. It's fine with my family. You never have to do anything. Everything will just go away. You don't have to. There's no discussion of like, hey, what about when you told John? You take him to jail. It's been nearly a month now. What's going on? It'll never come up again. Right. But it would be very easy to call Leno and take Stepdad, who's a good guy, on a tour of Garage. But I don't feel like I'd be sending the right message if I did that. What do you guys think? Are these people who are your family, are your loved ones capable of receiving a message? No. Well, they can get pretty easily offended. I whatever you want to do I support I would say since you feel like he's a nice guy perhaps hook it up unless you're going to feel resentful that you didn't because like at their age it's just muffins and then death so right and not in that order but yes my mom says she's going to be eating muffins in the afterlife but let me say this But let me say this. I have this thing in life where I give people, like Javier Bardem, let the old guy behind the counter flip the coin. That's right. You know what I mean? I will put it in your hands. You may, you will decide your fate, in other words. Now, it's not fair to say a coin toss. But what I'm saying is our relationship will be as great or as flat. It can be all muffin talk all the time, or it can be me and you, arms hooked, skipping through Leno's Endless Garage. That'll be up to you. But the way that'll be up to you is if I say, you know, here's an offering, Long Beach Grand Prix. I'm going to win it two years in a row. Come on out. And you go, meh. And then you never bring it up again. You kind of made that decision not to do the arms skipping. Yeah. That's the way I feel. Well, yeah. In terms of meeting you halfway or even meeting you at all, if this is at all contingent on them holding up their end of the stick, then no. They've done nothing to earn this largesse from you. Right. Also, your mom brought it up proactively, the race, which is against her nature. Very against her nature. Yes. And also, I don't know, you obviously know that a lot. They're in their 70s, 80s. Maybe there's a forgetfulness factor. You know, people get a little foggy at that age. Maybe she forgot to bring it up again. Haven't they been forgetful since? Yeah, but they didn't forget about Jay Leno. That's a good point. I didn't bring that up. They brought that up. John evidently has a love-hate relationship with the automobile. There's a very mixed feelings about the automobile. Self-loathing auto-enthusiast? It almost feels like throwing good money after bad, if you know what I mean. And to like, it's like, how many times are you going to extend yourself for people who don't seem to appreciate it? These people who are your family. I don't extend myself that often. All I do is I go, if you want to call and go to lunch, we'll call and we'll go to lunch. But if you don't, then we won't. And then the phone never rings. Yeah. For the most part. All right. But in general, I feel like let people make their own bed with you. And everyone should be free to do this, too. Just judge people by their actions, not by their words. See how they do. And then you can do or not do. I'll say that the Long Beach thing was a weird thing because it was an opportunity. It's never happened before where I've said to him, you want to go do this. And he just said no. So very bizarre. But who knows? Maybe it'll happen with the Leno thing to work that out. Maybe it'll happen that you will get to hang out. No, maybe it'll happen that I'll throw out. I could say, good, let's go tonight. And you'd probably say, I can't. He'll bow out. Right, he'll bow out. Oh, right, yeah. Could very well be. Yes. Maybe we'll do it all via the ultranet with go to my PC. Good luck. Maybe that's the way we'll do the whole thing. I'll sit at my computer. I'll access Jay Leno's computer. He can put his car up on there. Stuck somewhere, like your own horrible life. In a muffin shop. Muffin shop in hell. Restaurant, doctor's office. Just wasting time. Go to My PC. Brought to you by Citrix. You can access your office computer from your smartphone, your tablet, your work, and you can work while you're waiting. Go to My PC. It turns your iPad, your iPhone, Android, Kindle Fire into your work computer, and you can try it for free. Free. Free today. Free at last. Great God Almighty. Free at last. 45 days free. A free trial. Visit GoToMyPC.com, click on the Try Free button, and enter the promo code ADAM. Hell's Muffin Shop sounds like the world's best strip club. I want to go there. My mom, conversation's too intimate for her. I mean, like, real conversation is too intimate. And she gets very uncomfortable if anyone's had any level of achievement or victory or any. She doesn't like people excelling or talking about themselves or anything. Why do you think that is? It's something that her mom passed down to her. As I've always famously said, I got baited into bragging about the San Gennaro feast in front of my grandmother and mom once, which is what it ends up being is just stifling. So you don't talk about anything. You just sit there. They go, what are you up to? You could be working on your independent film or Paul Newman documentary or whatever the hell you're doing, and you just go, eh, this and that. You know, not much. Same old, same old. Because you don't want to get into it because you'll never get into it. Yeah, they're the shovel of sand on your bonfire of achievement. Right. So I just don't talk about it. Why would I talk about stuff? And so what happens is I got sucked in because my sister went to the supermarket about five, seven years ago, and she said, Saw Picture U. It's a famous store. She said, Saw Picture U at the supermarket. And I said, What supermarket? And she said, Topanga or something. And I said, what was I doing in the picture? And she said, I don't know. I don't know. And I said, well, you mean like a head shot behind the butcher counter, like up there? Like, you know, hey. You're going to need more information. No one saws those bones like you, Sam. You're swimming towards your lure right now. Yeah. And she said, yeah, no, I don't know. I don't know what it was. I said, well, just my picture's up at a supermarket, huh? She said, yeah. I said, do you want to investigate at all? She said, yeah, I don't recall. My family is very casual that way. And I said, breezy. What was it? What could it be? I don't know. It's my picture up at a supermarket. And she said, something with cheese. And I said, cheese. Cheese? What am I doing with cheese? And she said, I don't know, cheese. And I said, oh, oh, oh, oh, precious cheese. They're sponsors. San Gennaro Feast, me and Jimmy. It's Feast of San Gennaro. And they're sponsors of our feast that we have. There's a picture of me and Jimmy probably up on their display. And somebody piped up, like my mom, and said, Feast of San Gennaro? What is this? We were like four or five years into it. And I said, and this is the part. Now I took the bait. Now I got sucked in. Right. Because I don't talk about anything. But I went, all right. I said, well, actually, it's a pretty big deal. We close off the street behind Jimmy's Theater. Thousands of people show up. We have a scholarship that we've arranged for needy kids. And my grandmother jumped in and yelled, Bon Jovi gave a million dollars to Katrina Relief. And then everyone turned toward my grandmother and said, million dollars. That's a lot of money. And then we talked about Bon Jovi for the next 15 minutes, and then we transitioned into Muffin Talk. And I realized my grandmother couldn't tolerate me bragging, essentially, about my San Gennaro-related achievements. And that's got passed down. That's bragging in quotes, right? Because you don't see it as bragging, do you? uh well from my family anytime you talk about yourself in a non-negative way it's bragging like if you go i did a fair to middling job brushing my teeth this morning it's like okay donald trump sniff it already would you don't be a one ever yeah before yeah uh so everything feels like everything feels like bragging you never talk about yourself you never talk about achievement You never talk about anyone. You just don't. So we end up talking about our neighbors and muffins the whole time. Your neighbors who are in jail and hoarders. Right. And muffins. Maybe she hoards muffins or just those baskets that come in. Where did this soul-crushing muffin talk occur? I was sitting outside on my deck. And so I was technically bragging about the San Gennaro feast, but I wasn't really talking about me. I was talking about the scholarship and raising money. All the good you do for the community. And the good I was doing for the community. Bragging about your philanthropy. It felt like bragging. So it couldn't be tolerated. And so Grandma jumped in with Bon Jovi. We quickly shifted the conversation. And about a year later, I remember, as I talked to my mom, and she said, you know, maybe we'll come over and talk muffins on Friday or Thursday night or something. A little muffin talk. And I said, I can't have to go to the San Gennaro Prima Notte feast, the Prima Notte Thursday night. And she said, what's that? I said, feast of San Gennaro. And she said, I don't know what that is. And I said, I told you last year about it. And she said, I don't remember us talking about it. And then I thought, mission accomplished, Grandma. You did a wonderful job of rinsing this accomplishment right out of everyone's hair. Phew. Yeah. Lest they think something positive about you. It was a close call. It was a close call. So are we down with Leno's Garage or not? You do your usual thing and let them bring it back to you, which they ever will, and you'll never have to do it. Okay. All right. All right. Allison? Yeah, I'm very torn. I really feel like it comes down to which will you personally feel better about? Will you feel better if you do this nice gesture for people who don't deserve it, or will you feel better if you sent a message and adhered to your sense of justice? I don't care either way. I like my stepdad. He's a nice guy. He's just, you know, socially a mess like everyone else in the family. You know what I'm saying? Or will you feel worse if he set it up, make the whole arrangement, it's going to happen Saturday, and he bows out on Friday? Oh, no, I don't give a shit. I'll just go anyway. Oh, that's a good point. All right, let's see. Playing my tease here. They're going to play for us. speaking of cool events, Cinco de Mayo party coming up. All the money. This is at the Malibu house. All the money is going to the Children's Hospital. Oh, grandmother's rolling in her grave right now. He's up on the Cinco de Mayo talk, bud. Bragging is what it is. Richie Sambor gave very generously to Doctors Without Borders. I can hear just, like, screaming from the cloud down at me right now. I love your grandma knows who Richie Sambor is. I didn't know who Bon Jovi was. She follows all the hot charitable donations. Yeah, proceeds going to Children's Hospital, tickets tax deductibles. Susanna Hoffs, by the way, of the Bengals just put in place, fits in the tantrums. John Popper, and he's going to be there with the guitarist and me and many more celebs and people signing on to be a part of this very worthy project. I think celebs, including Bob, Brian, and me, will be there. Top of the list. Come on out. Alphabetically. Alphabetically, Alphabetically, Alphabet and Brian. Come on out and enjoy a little Mangria and enjoy the sunshine. Oh, this is launching the white Mangria officially, right? Yeah, I don't. Honestly, we're just raising some money and getting drunk in the sun. Well, this would be a good time for Kevin Nealon to spill white wine on your rug. I want to thank Kevin Nealon to spill white Mangria in my house. Uh-oh. Only because it's the greatest thing ever. Can we please find him talking about Jumbo? It was just the greatest. He had one minute to talk in front of city council about elephants being free. But he figured because he's a professional comedian, he can be funny and entertaining at length. He didn't really need to prepare for just one minute. But really, as a guy who does 100 minutes on stage a lot, you start getting used to, if I do 100 minutes, what is a six-minute set sitting next to the Tonight Show? Or what's a minute in front of the city council talking about an elephant? It's longer than you think. I'm Kevin Nealon, and I am not anti-zoo, but I am anti-inadequate zoo. And I just want what's best for Billy the elephant and not what's best for the L.A. Zoo. 50 seconds. Ten seconds. It took ten seconds for him to come and run. If an elephant has a choice to go to a habitat or a sanctuary like the one down in Tennessee, I'm sure that they would take that in one second. From the history that we understand about the L.A. County Zoo, it's not a great place for elephants. You look at all the elephants that have died there since 1975, and it's not good. So I'm in favor of moving Billy out of the zoo, as I think everybody should be, and I'm sorry that so many people are misguided with the exhibit, the plans for the exhibit as it exists now. Thank you. He was able to kill 46 seconds. He didn't get this full minute out. That can be a long time. He yielded his time. Should have woven in a little hot muffin talk in there. You could hear that he wished elephant had more syllables. All right. Shall we do, what do we got, some favorite tweets to get into over here? You guys tweet me everything. I put it to the side, and I like to look at it. And then it reminds me of what to complain about later on in life. You tweet him crap about passion fruit iced tea, the uragoza and pizza with goat cheese, the stupid signs on Los Angeles streets. These are a few of his favorite entreats. Oh, this is a gang leader who's fathered five kids with four Baltimore prison guards. I think we've got a definitely not a Jew leader in the clubhouse here. Probably not a Jew. We've got Baltimore. We've got gang leader. We've got sired five kids with four Baltimore prison guards since 2009. This is why I want people killed when they're in prison, especially if they're in there for murder, but even lighter offenses as well. The fact that these guys are siring kids from them, these weren't conjugal visits. These were banging prison guards. I didn't know they put the chicks in with the dudes. It was a team. And they did. Mm-hmm. Two of the four of the ladies have a tattoo. Someone explain how this works to Brian. Two of the four of the ladies have a tattoo of his name on them. Now, that had to be in the joint, too, the giving of the tattoo. Well, no, they work there, so they're corrections officers, so they're allowed to go out and get real tattoos. Although, it seems weird, like, to go, you know, but I don't know how, and I don't know if they've been let go. It would be nice if they were let go, but they have a strong union. If they were fired, do you think the ACLU would come down on the prison? I don't know anything anymore. All I know is... I'll bet they would. Serial stabber Tex Watson is still in jail and has three or four adult kids that he's hired from prison. And, look, the deal with all this stuff is, look, people can argue about the death penalty, and they can argue about, you know, how we should work and locking up drug addicts, and I don't like locking up drug addicts and things like that. But I think we can all agree on a few basic things about prison. Not shitting out kids. It's hard to pay for kids when you're on the outside. But this is you. We're paying $50,000 a year for you to be incarcerated, and you're shitting out more kids. And I just would like a little more judging going on. Yeah, and a few more condoms. And imagine how much these women all hate each other. These four guards who all had kids with their things. It's awkward. Man, yeah. They're going to throw down and still block age. All right, what is the next one that somebody tweeted me? Human resources. There's a handful over there. This is, and this one comes with a picture, and this is what drives me insane. how I go nuts with a click-it-or-ticket in L.A. and on the billboards everywhere. This guy tweeted me a picture of his 1973 Cadillac. I took Cadillac converter and turned it into Cadillac. His 73 Cadillac sedan DeVille. 73 with the big, bright, fasten-the-seat belts placard. So we're now, what, 40 years into this? And, again, maybe the freeway sign should say, stop fucking in prison. Like, shouldn't it say? No prison fucking. It could have muffin talk. Like, anything but click it or ticket, that's built into every automobile on the road. That much we know. That's the one thing that it does not need to say. But, again, it is bright, it is orange, and it says fasten your seatbelts, and it pulsates on the dashboard of a car from 1973. In his tweet, it says loud and buzzing. as well. Yes, loud and buzzing. Alright, alright, alright. And, alright, what else do we have? Again, legal to turn right on a red, drive like champions, wake up and drive, whatever. No fucking in prison. Yeah, this is another one about the surviving Boston bomber. A lot of young girls are out there declaring their desires for the man. He will be fighting off the wedding invitations, or the proposals from the joint. That'll be his full-time gig, is reading marriage proposals from the joint. Yes. A lot of criminals who receive proposals, I'm like, you have to be fucked up to want to marry that guy. This one, he's just cute. Yeah. I mean, unless you're blind, you have to admit it. Yeah. He's easy on the eyes. It's just he's not easy on the thighs when the ball bearings are flying. So I would like to kill this guy as soon as we're done waterboarding him for an extended period of time. But what I don't want him doing is getting married and having conjugal visits. That's what I don't want. And I certainly don't want people who are visiting him getting pregnant because, as like I always say with the Tex Watson thing, it's the seed of the guy who would thought it would be a good idea to break into strangers' houses and stab them repeatedly, mixed with a crazy bitch who thought it would be a good idea to spread her legs with a guy who thought it would be a good idea to stab people repeatedly. So what's worse, her egg or his sperm? That's a deadly cocktail. Right. Yes. All right. Two more quick ones. What do we got in here? Let's see. Oh, yes. This is near and dear to your heart. Is it not, Bull Brian? No, Dawson went to this. I went to Dilla Sally, yeah. But it's up north, right? It is. It's not too far from where you are, Brian, is it? Yeah. It's a football powerhouse. It's almost, it's probably a national football powerhouse. It is a national football powerhouse. No, nationally, yeah. Yeah. They had like a 10, 11, 12-year undefeated streak? Absolutely. That's a streak. In fact, it was my senior class who lost the championship game in 1992 when the new streak started. Thank God you're ripping a bong load underneath the stands. It had nothing to do with the loss. Right. But a movie about De La Salle is going to be made, and it's going to be made where? Louisiana, everybody. So take all those tax dollars, pack them up, and ship them out to New Orleans, everybody, for a movie about a team that's basically Bay Area-ish powerhouse. Yeah, definitely Bay Area. And I don't know how you swap out New Orleans for the Bay Area, but either way, the Bay Area is not going to see a fucking penny of that. Could have shot it on location. Could have shot it at LaSalle. Could have shot it at a nice home game. But, nope, they will get nothing. And this is a microcosm of how everything works. Why do we not understand this? You can ask anybody. I don't care how liberal you are. You go, why are they going to New Orleans? And they go, they're going to New Orleans because it's cheaper to shoot there, and they're on a budget. And they go, okay. Concept absorbed, yes. Now just apply that to manufacturing. And forget about the tax dollars that California's missing out on. Dale itself probably would have got a pretty penny for a fee just to shoot there for months, a month and a half, two months. Right. Yeah, it's all out the window. All right. Let's break it off here. Let's bring in the guys from Plain White Teas. You know what my mistake was? What? I was sitting here looking for plain white teas on a piece of paper where it didn't have it written on there. But I knew the name, but I was looking for it. You know what I'm talking about? When you go, I'm going to rely on this. Yes. And you start looking for something, and then you go, it's not there, it's not there, and now all of a sudden you don't have the answer. That's why you should never read. You know what? It's my fault for reading. You learned late in life, and now you're trying to do it. Ah. And it's a good thing I didn't say the name of the album, because the album is something different than what's written on here. All right. We'll get to that in a second. Hulu, baby. Who knew Hulu? I knew. Hulu Plus. Watch as many TV shows as you want. Anytime. Anywhere. Watch current hit shows, like Community. That's a good friend, Joel McHale, on there. Downton Abbey. That's me. I love them dragons, man. You had that wrong, Adam. No. SNL, Parks and Rec, there's a good show. Modern Family, fantabulous show. Plus, full slate of reruns and classic shows, critically acclaimed movies, original series eyes, series eyes, series ease. Watch on any device. Smartphones, a tablet, TV with the PS3 player, Xbox, Blu-ray, Roku. Boom. everyone loves that Apple TV and you can try it out $7.99 a month but wait my listeners get a special extended free trial just go to HuluPlus.com forward slash Adam or click on the HuluPlus banner on AdamCarolla.com Allison's so tickled I love that one too I was telling Brian I didn't think about it and I laughed let's hear it one more time boom I did And a little glimpse into Natalia, I decided. She's threatened by it now. I didn't want to show off in front of Mama and my stepdad. But I wanted to show them that Natalia, she rides that double-ended board, that thing with the cylinder in the middle of it. She jumps right on that thing and goes. And she's got a move, too, where now I hand her the medicine ball. And she holds the medicine ball above her head while her little feetsies are going back and forth. her little hips shaking, you know, boing, boing, boing, and she's shifting and holding and holding and shifting. And so I said, so I dragged her outside. I said, Natalia, let's show grandma and grandpa how you can do with that double-ended board. And she said, I'm tired. And I said, come on. And she said, I'm tired. And then she did the, you know, it's great when kids do, they're tired, because they're all, they're all, basically kids like, They act like they're on Mexican soap. You know, they go, ah, I'm tired. Like in charades, they're trying to get somebody to guess what they are. Yeah, like, I tell you I'm tired, but I don't go, I need to put my head down. But kids do that. So she's like, splaying out on a lounge chair and goes, I'm tired. And I go, come on. And I get the board. You can show Grandma and Grandpa. It's really cool. And she goes, I'm tired. And I go, I'm going to go get the board and the thing. I'm going to put it out here, and you're going to show Grandma and Grandpa. So I go upstairs. I go to the room. I go get the thing. I lug it down there. I set it down. I get her up on the board. She gets up on the board. She's doing it for about 10 seconds. She goes, you bring the medicine ball? I thought you were tired. She's like, hey, man, I'm showing them what I can do. And I'm like, wow, baby, which is it with you? Yeah. Yeah. All right. She committed. Totally committed. All right. Plain White Tees coming in here. They're going to play live for us, and we'll do that next. Ah, Plain White Tees. The Plain White Tees. In the studio. Should have gone to bed. Name the album. Songs available on Amazon. An album available on Amazon, I'm guessing. I don't know why it says songs available on Amazon, but I think it's the whole thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. And you know what to do. Go to amcroll.com, hit the Amazon banner, and pow, put a little win in the sales of the pirate ship. PlainWhiteTease.com is where you go, and you can Twitter them or tweet them at PlainWhiteTease. I'll tell you what. Let's hear a song from the new album live in studio, and then I've got some talking to do. All right. Let's hear it. This one's called Should Have Gone to Bed. I only miss you at midnight When that lonely clock strikes That's when I wish you were here The angel knows it's not right The devil's in my heart tonight Whispering things in my ear Slow it down, Michael And then I hit you up Saying stupid stuff Oh, I should have just gone to bed I should have never called you I should have pissed into my head When it said leave it alone Oh, a few drinks said Here I go missing you again God only knows what I said I should have just gone to bed Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I should have just gone to hell All day long I'm over you Never really think of you I keep you out of my head But some nights when I'm striking out You're all I can think about I just gotta have you again So I down my cup And then I hit you up Staying way too much Oh, I should've just gone to bed I should've never called you I should've been to my head When it says leave it alone No, if you drink sin Here I go missing you again God only knows what I said I should have just gone to bed. I should have turned the lights out. I should have called in at night. You should have never picked up my phone call. If you're not sleeping here tonight. I should have just gone to bed. I should have never called, yeah. I should have listened to my head when it said leave it. I should have just gone to bed. I should have never called you. I should have listened to my head when it said leave it alone. No, a few drinks in. Here I go, missing you again. God only knows what I said. I should have just gone to bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I should have just gone to bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I should have gone to bed. Wow, that sounded unbelievable. Thank you. Should have gone to bed, name the album. I'll tell you what I think we should do. My God, the harmony, just unbelievable. And kudos to Dawson over there for making everything sound. Thanks, Dawson. Well, you guys do the lion's share of the work, but I've got to live with the guy. You guys are getting on a tour bus. He's going nowhere. The point is, no, I don't mean going nowhere, but. Just stuck here. He's stuck here with me. Just, you know, I'm so used to everything being auto-tuned and being corrected and being fixed. Oh, we have auto-tuned built in, actually. It's unbelievable. It just sounded incredible. I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should take another quick break, get everyone situated, and then we'll come right back when everyone has a mic and everyone's at their place. We'll be right back after this. Cool. Hi, I'm Larry Miller, but in a way, aren't we all? And this week on This Week with Larry Miller, we go to one of the greatest nights of my life. It involves beer, Kentucky Fried Chicken, the movie Maltese Falcon, and I was alone. I'll tell you all about it this week. Tim, Mike, Damar, and Tom all here and all from the Plain White Tees. I saw you guys over at Daryl Hall's house, live from Daryl's house. We were just talking about that. And I just tuned in. I don't know if it's VH1. I'm not sure where even I caught it, but it's a really cool series. And you know how much I hate Man Eater. And many, many, many other whole note songs, they're just fucking horrible. Horrible. Like they're an attack on the senses. But this is a cool show. He invites bands to come to his house. They jam. Then they eat. Then they fuck like rabbits. It really took us. Were you conflicted about enjoying it at the beginning before the sex kicked in? No, it didn't have to be conflicted. It was the big meal. It just seemed really cool. How did that work? It was super cool. we uh me and me and tom went and uh showed up he has a crazy crazy house his band by the way also his band best musicians i've ever been in the same room hey come on now i stand by my statement yeah so they all get together and they jam on some songs of like hall notes and stuff like that and then they get together and jam on your stuff right that was the cool thing jamming our songs with him. And then we did a Joe Jackson cover. Oh, is she really going out with him? Yeah. The best thing is having Daryl Hall do his, like, Hall-ism vocals over your stuff. Yeah. It's a really neat show, and then everyone gathers in the kitchen, and they take out for some, like, Arabian food or something. Yeah, I don't know if it was... Some couscous or something. But something exotic. And it just seems like the kind of thing... It's like one of those shows where you're supposed to be jealous of the show. Like you go, fuck, I wish I was there. Look at all that food. Look at those cool guys. Look at everyone jamming. And so then everyone just sort of convenes into this huge kitchen, and then they just eat and good conversation and all that. You get drunk, you know. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Yeah. Enjoy your main grill, by the way. Let's say you're going live from Daryl's house. Do you feel like couscous is the right kind of food to be eating on camera? It was exotic. It's even spaghetti. I don't remember what it was, but it was not Taco Night over Daryl's house. It was not SpaghettiOs. Like, it was kind of cool and exotic, right? Yeah, it was definitely couscous, definitely Mediterranean. I don't know. Right. Taboola or whatever that's called. I don't know. See, I would just feel like it's going to end up on my shirt or there's going to be something green in my teeth and I'm going to be talking. That's rock and roll, baby. Well I was even more embarrassed because I showed up with a mustache which you know I usually have a beard going but for some reason for a couple months I had just the mustache So he was John Oates. I was John Oates. I felt really weird about that. So the band is from where, got put together, when, and all that good stuff. The band is from Chicago. Me and Dave, actually, the guy who, I think he might be in the bathroom. I think it's some angry, yeah. Yeah. Me and him went to high school together. We started the band our senior year with some other buddies, and once we started touring, the other guys just kind of bailed on us, and we got Tim, Mike, and DeMar in the band. The thing about bailing on the band, it's a pretty calculated risk, but it's a good risk because there's a good chance. It's kind of, you know, it's like bailing on your kid. There's a pretty good chance he'll just be a junkie, but he may end up in the NBA, and then it comes back to fucking bite you in the ass. You know what I'm saying? You know what's funny is that the song Hey There, Delilah, which was our big hit, that was written and demoed before the guys bailed. So they got that far along with it. Yeah, I was talking to someone about an ex-girlfriend of mine the other day, And they said, well, I guess she missed out because she was with you sort of right before the K-Rock days. And I said, no, she was around into the K-Rock days. Like, I got a year or so into K-Rock, and I was getting on to, I think I was on Loveline for a month and a half, and she bailed. And I thought, that's not a great calculated move. I mean, I know I'm no catch, but what I'm saying is. Turns out she just really didn't like you. Unbelievable. Stuck around during the $285 a week, teaching boxing, swinging a hammer life, living in shitty apartments, driving a pickup truck life, and now you don't want some free shit. You don't want to go to the weenie roast. Her loss. Her loss. So be it. So those guys, so Delilah became a massive hit literally how long after they bailed? Actually, it was like a good four years or so. Oh, really? Yeah, they would have had to hang in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So it was written and demoed and all that, but it just. Yeah, it was written in like, what, 2002, 2003? And then it became a hit in 2007. So, yeah, it was like four years later. What took so long? Well, we were on an indie label, so we recorded it for an indie record, put it out, toured our asses off living in a van for a couple years, built up a following, did a video for the song. The song won an MTV U Award, which is like the college MTV. and then we got signed to a major label because we sold like 70,000 albums on an indie. Right. And then the major label put out a different song called Hate, which was a big hit for us on alternative radio, and then they stripped Delilah on the album and then put that out as a second single and blew up. Did you redo it? Not at all. Nope. Same song? Same version, yeah. Sometimes now with money, a good studio, and other accoutrements, you'll come back and have another shot at it. but it was good enough how it was. I mean, it was, you know, we went overseas and toured with some bands. We'd never been over there before. We'd never had an album out over there. This was before Delilah was a single or anything. And we'd play that song every night, and everyone in the room would sing along. Yeah. Through the Internet, the song just kind of grew on its own. There's something ultra cool about people singing along in not their native tongue to your English words. Like you go to Germany and they don't speak English, but they know the words to that song and they're singing along. I don't know why. There's something. It's like there's a greater commitment to it because it's not their language. Definitely. And it always sounds tonally a little bit lower or different somehow. I don't know why. They sound like soccer stadium guys or something. I don't know, but that must have been really cool. It was really cool. Would you get that in Asia? Did you go to Japan and get that? Yes. We did Japan. And yeah, same thing. We had this song. Actually, it's funny called the hate, which was the first single. And there's a part where I stopped the chorus, the first chorus. And it's like, hey, there's a strong word. But I really, really, really don't like you. And I always let the crowd sing that really don't like you. So we're in other countries and I'm not thinking that they don't speak English. Sure. And so I do the stop and I let them sing. Really? Yeah. It's really don't like you. And we all kind of like came back in kind of laughing to ourselves that it was so funny. But they did it, you know. I wish I could do that with comedy where I go, I am so pissed at my mom right now. And I just hold the mic out. Let them get the punchline. Whatever. Go any direction you want. Do that thing. And then I'll do that move where I'll put my hand up to my ear. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. The Hulk Hogan move. Now, yeah, the Hulkster move. Take your shirt off. I'm going to split the theater up into two halves. You guys do the setup. Just the moms. Punchline this side. Here we go. Eventually, I'm doing nothing but just pointing. You're just conducting. I'm just going to flash right up there. That would be a good experiment to try, actually. Yeah. Who knows? You know, I'm always envious of bands because I just talked to my guy, and he said, well, what are you doing? We're doing stand-up Saturday in Merced, you know, garden spot in California. And I said, Merced, never played there before. Good. I can do whatever jokes I want. And then he goes, no, it's right next to Fresno. And we just played Fresno. And everyone from Fresno is going to go over there, so we need to do a new show. So I go out. I've got to cook up 90 minutes. And if it's the same 90 minutes the Fresnonians saw last time, they're going to be pissed. If you guys don't do Delilah, they're going to be pissed. Much better business that you're in than my business. Yeah, if we play a new song, then they get pissed. Yeah, so it's a weird thing. They want to hear the same stuff. Complete opposite. Right. How do you break it in? Yeah. Well, certainly don't do the thing that everyone does, which is, here's a new one from the album that's not been released yet. That just immediately sends people to the beer line, right? Yeah. Don't do that. Let's go, here's a super old one that you were too high to remember. And then start in. There you go. All right. Should we do a little news and plain white tees hang out, crack wise with us and have fun? Sweet. How about it? I need a refill. Let's get some more mangrilla going here. Should we eat some news from her? I've had some time. It's good. Sometimes it's bad. It's Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off. I would. It's Allison. I would. That's not me. There you go. I would suggest the brosé. You go 50-50, 50-50 with the red and the white. Well, it's a brose. Gary, brose. Okay, sorry. Adam. Weren't we doing the news? Did you ever see the TV movie, I Know My First Name is Steven? Brose? No. About Steven Stainer. Steven Brose. I saw that. Did you see it? That's right, yeah. About Steven Stainer who was kidnapped at a young age and then got returned to his family. That took place in Merced. Oh, really? I watched all the made-for-TV movies that involved bulldozers being possessed by the devil and dogs, Devil Dog Hound from Hell. Right. And then there was those amazing Dobermans. There was lots of great TV movies from the 70s that I watched. This was a little bit later when it was about kidnapping and pedophilia. So there was, I know, my first name is Steven. There was, do you know, the Muffin Man. Steven Dorff in both of them. Did they have the ball roll out in the street in slow motion when it turned black and white? That means kids abducted. No, because it wasn't news. Yeah. It was... Whenever I see my kid playing with a ball, I slap it out of his hands. Fucking nuts. You want to get abducted? Dad, we're inside the house. Put the fucking ball down. Pick up that plunger. You never see a plunger just going back and forth after someone gets abducted. Yeah. Do kids even play with balls in the street anymore? No, but... With balls or in the street? In Catholic areas where there's a lot of priests, they play with the balls in the street. Too soon. Too soon, yeah. Oh! So the mother of the Boston Marathon bombers has been all over the news. Yes. She is incredulous that her kids could have done this. She also doesn't believe. She's not sure whether this marathon bombing and the disaster is real. She thinks the blood might be paint. She sounds like a delight. I heard her on the radio. Yeah, so we have a little clip of her. What happened is a terrible thing. But I know that my kids have nothing to do with this. I know it. I am mother. I have, you know, I know my kids. I know my kids. Really, my kids would never get involved into anything like that. She's also very upset that Tamerlan, her, you know, the older son, was killed. Because she feels like, why did they have to kill him? I don't know. Where do you stand on this? I mean, it's refreshing. I wish my mom would do this because there's no way she'd stick up for me this way. But, I mean, look, everyone's fucking nuts, right? Just sort of degrees now. Super batshit crazy. Religious zealot versus just a little bit off. That seems to be the yardstick we're measuring all moms by. Your kids decided to take a backpack, put it in a crock pot or a crock pot in a backpack, and put it in a bunch of ball bearings in it, and then place it next to a kid and kill a bunch of people. But by the way, you're going to blow up a marathon. You blow me up mile one. I don't want to fucking go through a whole thing of hitting that runner's block and cramping up, shin splints, and shit myself. Chap nipples. lactating and then I blow up? No, no. I want a cold one at that point. Put beer in that crock pot. You want to blow me up? You blow me up on the way to the gym. Not on the way back. That's my A number one. That's what a hero would have done. Why'd she say it's a terrible thing that happened if she thinks it's a fake? Say, well... She's not sure that it's fake. She's saying that she wants to get to the bottom of it. She's saying that she thinks the word she used was show. Like it might be a show. There's this video that keeps getting passed around where it suggests that it was a show, the whole thing is a show, and that's what she wants to know. But then she does say that she thinks it's a terrible thing, and she does feel bad for the victims. All right. Listen, the whole thing is once your kid does something sick and bizarre, feel free to abandon your kid and just go, you know, he's dead to me. I mean, for Christ's sake, there's people who disown their kids over being gay like that. I mean, I would bet you. She would. She would. She would. I would have done. I'll bet you if you were like, hey, one of them just came home and said, hey, gave up boxing. I started sucking cock. I went to meet my new friend Randy. She'd be like, you're not my son anymore. Yeah. But you blow up a few blue-eyed devils. No problemo. What the fuck? I guess if you love your kids, I could imagine that it would be very hard. I'm not defending her, but I'm just saying I could imagine a scenario where you would really want to believe that something, like it just wouldn't add up. Here's how that conversation would go for me. My kid planted a bomb? Which one? The boy or the girl? The boy. Oh, no, he would never, ever, ever do that. But we know he did. Never. Never. He admitted it. Ever. The girl, you may want to look into her. Sonny would never. Natalia. What kind of backpack was it? Was it my little pony? It was yellow. She does have, well, it's a banana color. Yeah, anyway. It was banana yellow. You're kind of going to focus on her. Just take my word for her. Don't tell the missus we have this conversation. That's cool. Yeah. That's how a conversation would go. Here's something I'm wondering. They keep reporting what Jahar or Jakar. There's so many different pronunciations of his name. Who knew? Right. Who knew? Yeah. Jakar. It's like that. They keep reporting what he said about their plan was to go to Times Square next, et cetera. But how are they testing the veracity of what he's saying? Are they just believing him? I don't listen. I want to trust that they know what they're doing. I was told today that the one kid, the one who's alive, had no gun inside that boat. Right. That's what has come out today, that evidently he didn't have a gun. So first it was he was firing at Boston's finest, and then a hail of gunshots were returned at him and his catamaran. Now, then it was a self-inflicted gunshot wound, although that's a pretty tall order when you don't have a gun with you. So then it turns out when the cop bullets must have got it. I raised them, I guess. What's with all the fucked up reporting? We can't figure out whether they had a gun in the boat or not? So you believe the mom. I'm with the mom. I'm with the mom and the uncle on this one. And then it's, everything is so convoluted and so fucked up these days. And like I said, the stories, I don't know. So no gun, but 100 and something bullets shot in them. All right. Anyway. Justin Bieber back in the news but it feels like he never left a stun gun and marijuana was found on his tour bus in Stockholm nice well the stun gun by the way when you buy a tour bus it comes with marijuana that's a law I'm not making that up hand to God it's part of the coach builder's contract they say is this carrying either a rock and roll band or professional basketball team or football team, and then they put weed in the bus. That's how it comes. Is it true that it's actually an add-on to get it removed? Yeah. You pay extra to not have it put on? I had a BMW that had to custom order because I didn't want a moonroof in it. Hannah got it. This you have to custom order your coach if you don't want a bale of weed in it. And the stun gun seems about right. Yes, it's good. You're Biebs, right? Sure, yes. Weed. Everyone on a tour bus smokes weed. What do you have on a tour bus? You have groupies. You guys know, right? Mangria. You have musicians. Weed. Musicians. Weed. I mean, groupies. Weed. Then you have security. Weed. Then you have flunkies from high school. Weed. Weed. Roadies. Roadies. Roadies. Weed. And that's it. The only guy. And the driver. The driver. Weed. Right. Lots and lots of weed. Everyone's smoking weed on a tour bus. That's why they're there. That's why they're not flying. You're right, yeah. They want to get high. If they didn't want to get high, you know, like, I don't know, LL Cool J. He's probably clean, right? I feel like we have to ask David Wilde. All right. Pick a guy. Kirk Cameron. John Tesh. John Tesh. When Tesh goes out on the road, when Tesh hits the road with that band, he flies ahead. He don't need the weed mobile. You see what I'm saying? Weed is for the dudes who want to do, I mean, the bus is for the dudes who want to get high and want to do drugs. That's the whole deal. Here's the news story. We pulled over a rock and roll tour bus and found nothing but Zima. Sounds like your dream, Tom. Yeah, I'm into that. That's the story. weed. Would you be able to sleep on a tour bus? I have. When did you tour? We got a we were doing the man show. We were going to Lake Havasu for like some spring break thing and one of the most ill conceived bits that I ever came up with on the man show because the audience turned on us immediately. You can probably find the guys gone wild. I forgot who our audience was and I thought we were going to film, I thought it would be really ironic and funny to film a dude's gone wild and it's like nutsack shots, cock shots, full blown ass shots, ladies buckle up. It was like one of those things but the audience was like booing the entire time because they're showing guys ball sacks. But we're going to like Havasu to fuck around and we taped the man show on like a Friday night and I remember very well because we mud wrestled with the juggies, I remember that clearly took a shower, I couldn't get the fucking mud out of my ears and they were strangling me because one was like standing on my tie it was a political debate that turned into a mud wrestling competition but we got on a rock and roll tour bus and we drove to Havasu so that we could film the next day. And all I remember is somebody, I won't say his name, but one of the guys got shit-faced and kept yelling that we're going to Pahrump and we're going to whoring, and he kept yelling, wheels up, 4 a.m. And everyone is like, we're fucked up, and we're going to bed. We're in like a motor lodge. He's like, into the bus, wheels up. I like when guys get drunk and I start saying the same thing. All right, going to prom. We're going to get some whores. Wheels up, 4 a.m. Now, everyone on the bus, everyone just fucking sleeping and spread out. Wheels up, 4 a.m. I think he never stopped screaming that. All right, we've got, by the way, we've got this man show bit. I haven't seen it, I think, since it came out. But this is the audience that's voting. Girls, you act for it, and you've got it. The all-new Boys Gone Wild 2. This video is jam-packed with explosive new footage of the hottest guys from across the nation. Ladies, these aren't paid actors. They're actual boys next door on spring break. Uncensored and out of control. Order now and you'll receive the all-new Candid Nut Shots free. Men caught on tape. Fat men. Young men. Rich men. Fat men. Ladies, you'll think you died and went to scroll in heaven. You'd have to be nuts not to order rich. And Boys Gone Wild 2 for $19.95. And if you're older right now, can't get nut shots free. Order now and see what happens when boys go wild. Warning, this tape is not suitable for younger viewers, adults only. So my question is, did you have the pixelated mosaic for the studio audience or were you showing Bear Nutsack? Because that would make me blue. We usually would show Bear everything raw footage. Yeah. Yeah. That might have been the problem. Because at home, I think it's pretty funny, but if you're sitting in a live studio audience with your bros looking at nutsacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what's the fear? It'll turn you gay instantly? Of course, yeah. Yeah. I saw a nutsack once, and I was gay for like 25 minutes. Yeah, yeah. Just one nut. That's just one nut. Yeah. Right. Imagine if you saw two nuts. I mean, two nuts in a stack. You have to put them in your mouth. That's an hour. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. You have to put them in your mouth. Yeah. It's unwritten. It's a code. It's a bro code. Yeah, I think we filmed that. I'm sure we filmed that in Havis. The guys at the end were man show riders, by the way. We just got them drunk. Don't take their pants down. Nice. Yeah, slap the ass. See, my tour bus question is because I have a feeling if I were ever trying to sleep, I would, just as I was dozing off, I'd shoot, like my eyes would shoot open and I would feel unsafe. Because I know that I don't even like riding in the back of a van. Because if I feel sleepy, I all of a sudden. You put your feet toward the front. So if you hit something, you don't break your neck. You don't shatter your legs, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's comforting. But I still, whenever I'm very far away from the driver and I'm in a giant vehicle, like, even, I remember being on field trips as a little kid in a school bus or something. And so I'm like, oh, fuck, like, do I, I don't know if I trust this driver. Well, don't you guys feel like, like, first you can't sleep and then there's nowhere else you can sleep because the diesel motor and the rocking and the side by, the motion of that thing. I mean, doesn't it just knock you out at some point? Ten years, I sleep amazing on a bus. Totally. Do you enjoy it? Yeah. When I get home, I need noise, like a fan or something, to sleep that good, yeah. Right, yeah. There's something about a diesel engine, by the way, which is the way they idle. It's a little vibration, a little bit of sound, and that's all you need. Then again, there are those moments when you get that one driver. Oh, yeah, they hit the rumble. Hit the rumble strips. Oh, yeah, yeah. What do you do? Then you're up for like 20 minutes, like, is he okay up there? Look out, what's happening? Is he falling asleep? What's going on? Yeah. And they're all, I think people who drive for a living, there's something wrong with almost everyone involving, that involves transportation on the ground. Parking lot guys are scary. Fucking scary. It's guys on the planet. Then all the guys who drive the town cars. Yes, you get that. It's good. I thank you. Those guys are fucking insane. The guys who drive buses, the long haul truckers are fucking nuts. Their wives are done here than they are. The husband-wife team is always insane. Any sort of shuttle or tram? Yes. Everything's a fucking mess. What's up? What is that? We had a friend's band lose their brakes on their tour bus going down the Rockies. That would have been comforting for you. With the bus driver crying the entire time on his way down. Geez. Did anyone get hurt? This is it? No. Wow. He basically told everyone on the bus, you know, call your loved ones. No way. We're probably all going to die. What? And they were debating, some of the guys on the bus were debating jumping out the door while it was moving, like bombing down the mountain. Wow. Yeah. Who was this? Don't. Rock Hill's kid. Really? They hit, a lot of those places will have like that sand trap runoff whatever that I always secretly want to use just because of the air. Like, fuck, I paid for that. That's taxpayer money. All right. My uncle was a trucker. He told me about those once. Like, he educated me on those. It costs money to get your truck out of there. Oh, really? Yeah, they charge you because your brakes fail. If you're a truck driver or a big rig driver or whatever, you need to be mandated by law to check your brakes every 100 miles or something. So if you're in there, you've got to pay to get it out. You basically sink into like a shallow gravel or aggregate, you know, and you're stuck. All the, not all the, but a lot of the race car, racetracks I race on have that off to the side, and it just fucks your car up. But you stop almost immediately. Like nothing stops you faster than sand, but nothing ruins your engine. All right, one more story. What do we got? Well, speaking of music, L.A.'s Gibson Amphitheater is closing in September, which some people may know better as Universal Amphitheater. Yeah. I had never went there when it was called Gibson, but I did go to a lot of shows at Universal Amphitheater. It's the theater that is behind or at Universal Studios. It's shutting down. The lease is ending in September. The venue will close its doors to make way for Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oh, man. Hey, Rick. It seemed like only yesterday my buddy Ray was trying to hop the fence when it was an open amphitheater and go see a Joe Jackson concert, speaking of Joe. And this is back off the Look Sharp and I'm the Man albums, which are great goddamn albums. And security guy got them in a chokehold. They wrestled out in the ivy. It was awesome. K-Rock would always do their acoustic Christmases there, lots of good memories. Did you guys ever play there? Yeah, we did a K-Rod. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the thing that's always funny about those concerts is they're on a time schedule, and if they go 10 seconds past midnight or 11 p.m. or whatever that close-off time is, then it's like crazy union, you know, $10,000 a minute. So when Plain White Tees are going up there and Jane's Addiction is playing next and they give you guys 25 minutes, they'll start turning that stage. If you want to just go on and do a super set or a drum solo, that's fine, but they'll just start turning the stage on you because they're like, fuck it. Because if the first, there's 11 bands. If the first band decides to just do the extended dance version of the hit and runs about seven, eight minutes long, by the time they get to that last band, there'll be an hour and 45 minutes past golden time, and they'll get completely fucked. that they just literally just start turning on. I saw the Fugees get turned on. They were a half hour late for like a 32-minute set. They got out there and did a little like strum, and they just started turning. Like the crowd literally turned on them. They turned on the crowd. They got halfway into one song, and they went, well, fuck it. It's time to turn the stage. And they turned it. I kind of love that. And then Lauryn Hill quit music after that, right? Yeah, that's what got her to quit. She said, fuck this. Yeah, that I saw. Again, I saw one of my favorite things was the guy from Third Eye Blind attacked the guy. Well, not Steven. Another guy in the band attacked one of the... Well, he broke a bottle over the Green Day bass player. Whoa. It was awesome. I was fucking drunk and high and watching the whole thing. I was just standing next to that big turning stage. and uh and it was this crazy move where everyone and everyone because you guys know you play your set maybe you're 11 bands and you're band number four so you do your set and then when you're done you get really drunk and high but you don't go home you just get drunk and high and you hang out and then you go up on stage and watch the other bands and do that shit well this guy ran out behind the bass player from Green Day, or Green Day, I'd say it like my dad would say, and he started hugging him like he was a fan who jumped up on stage. And big Samoan bouncer security for Green Day pulled him off and threw him down to the ground. And the bass player from Green Day turned around, and I expected him to turn around and go like, oh, oh, it's you from Third Eye Blind and tell Kimo Big Cavs to get off this dude. And he said, he just looked at him, he looked down, he looked at his bouncer guy, and then he started kicking the guy. Wait, he? The bass player? Yeah. The guy from Green Day? The guy from Green Day. The guy from Third Eye Blind? Third Eye Blind. Yeah. So the guy from Green Day starts kicking the dude from Third Eye Blind. And I was like, wow, he's really not in on this joke at all, is he? But that's hard, you know, that's punk right there. So the dude from Third Eye Blind, who was probably fucked up anyway, just went around, walked down the ramp, walked down by where the, put all the trailers where everyone was there, and just got a bottle, and he just waited. And I was walking off the stage when Green Day was walking off the stage, and the bass player was just walking back to Green Day's trailer, and he popped out with a big bottle, like a big wine bottle, booze bottle, just busted it right up. No. I would have cried if it was full. And then I would have been angry at the guy who busted the bottle over his head. You know, and instead. So wasteful. Yeah. Busted it right over his fucking forehead. Wow. It just big time stitches the whole nine yards. Then what happened? They must hate each other to this day. They took the guy and the guy went off the emergency room. Wow. That's rock and roll, right? Yeah. You got to find that story. No charges pressed or anything? I don't know. I don't know whatever became of that. That was the weenie roast probably, you know, circa 2001 or something like that. If Third Eye Blind was playing, it was probably a shortish window of when it could have been. Right. It's a decent point, yeah. It wasn't 2007. Also, speaking of sad Third Eye Blind stories, 1998? I'll find a story. That was about right. And Stephen Jenkins pulled me aside once after he did Loveline. We went out and had a beer or something. And he said, I'm really bummed out. And I said, what's up? And he goes, eh. Girlfriend caught me fucking around with another chick when we were, like, out on vacation or on tour or something like that. And she dumped me. And I was kind of in there. And I'm like, you're Stephen Jenkins. You're good looking. You're tall, you know. You're in a band. Let's go find another chick. You don't need that old. You're going to find yourself another blonde floozy. It was Charlize Theron. Jesus Christ. But here's what I love about dudes. The great thing about dudes is you can be with a 19-year-old Charlize Theron and still go, I'd like a little side pussy. I'd like a little pussy to go. There's nothing wrong with your pussy. There's something on the side. I'm a fucking rock and roll. Yeah, it's like a little doggy bag of pussy. So my pussy sounds like if you're looking at someone's crotch from a really weird angle. I don't know where you'd have to be to see it. Yeah. Real close. See if you can find all that story for us. Can you find that story for us? We don't know that story. I've never heard of that. It's pretty good. And like I said, I was pretty drunk and high. Did we do weenie roast? I think I might have actually been there. I'm sure it wasn't a hallucination or something. Yeah, we'll find. It could have been. We'll find the story. Meanwhile, Dawson, focus, baby. Legal Zoom. Yeah, we put LegalZoom to the test, huh? Dawson set himself up an LLC with them. How'd that go, Dawson? That's right. In fact, I got the package in the mail today. Dos Angeles LLC is an official company, which we'll be billing you shortly for this hour. No, seriously, I did the math, and 30 days ago I signed up for LegalZoom. 44,000 minutes ago I signed up for my LLC for LegalZoom. I spent 30 of those 44,000 minutes worrying about how to form my LLC. It's perfect. It's awesome. Went to LegalZoom.com. My work was done so quickly. Saved time. Saved money. And it was done right the first time. So go to LegalZoom.com and do it yourself. Or maybe you want to do an S-Corp, nonprofit. LegalZoom takes care of you. Start to finish. Soup to nuts, Dawson. LegalZoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you to an attorney and provide self-help services in your specific direction. For even more savings, enter Adam in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family, and safeguard your assets at LegalZoom.com. Yeah, Arian Salazar was the name of the bass player from Third Eye Blind who got into the bottle shenanigans. Mike Dirt was the guy from, they just called Mike. I thought they just called him, they just called Mike all the time. But that was Green Day guy. But, yeah, if you can find, now, is there anything about that story? Is it out there? I've got the whole story right here. It's fairly long. But did he have to go to the hospital and get stitches? And did he wait behind and bust a bottle over his head? And did it say anything about me being super high and freaking out? It doesn't say anything about you. The bottle is here, although it's vague, and it says that certain bands are attributed to a fan and that certain bands. Well, this is a Rolling Stone article that's trying not to get sued, but they do say he was rushed to Irvine Medical Center, which is a nearby hospital. Yeah. And they mentioned that he kicked him in the ribs when he was down. When he was on stage? Right. Right. Wow. No, I was standing just, I wasn't even backstage, I was just side stage watching. He came from the side I was on. I was standing next to him when he decided to do the, oh, I'm a craze fan. And the next thing you know, he's getting kicked in the ribs. But the next thing you know, he's laying in wait with a Jack Daniels bottle. I guess. He showed him. Rock and roll. Not what you'd expect out of Third Eye Blinders. All right. Salazar had a statement. I am sorry that my attempt at doing something I thought would be funny escalated into Mike getting hurt. That was never my intention. I simply had too much to drink and made... Sounds like it was his intention, though. I'm sorry that it escalated. Escalated meaning you jumping out from a shrub and busting a bottle over their head? I simply had too much to drink and made a very bad decision. If I had been in Mike's place, I'm sure I would have acted similarly. My heart goes out to him, and I hope he recovers quickly. We have many friends in common, and I just hope that he can accept my sincerest apology. I am sorry, Mike. I wonder, by the way, money. Is there a statement from Mike Durk? I don't know. Not here. Well, definitely there should be some money. Yeah, I was going to say, there should be some money that changed hands there, because this is a guy in a successful band laying in wait and busting a bottle over your forehead. Think it would be funny? Right. No, he got kicked in the ribs. He thought the running on stage like he was a girl was the funny part. I was going to say, is his middle name Oldhoffer? Oh, boy, you know Ray, don't you? Yeah. I'm fine. Thank you. That part is not funny. Yeah. Well, it says here, but this was while it was all going on, there has been no legal action taken at this point. It's still under investigation. I don't know. That was a while ago. Yeah. 1998. The question is, is Third Eye Blind had a hit since then? Maybe that was like the move. I'm going to go with no on that. No, I'm saying maybe it was like the move. Like, you know, Green Day was like, yo, I'm not going to press charges, but fuck this guy. Don't play their songs and radio listen. Interesting. Blacklisted. Wait, here's a statement from Dirt. Some fucker hit me with a bottle. There you go. Yes. We'll do the fucker math on the bottle. Attack Bart, by the way. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, cunt. I saw a nutsack once and I was gay for like 25 minutes. That was the news with Alison Rosen. But to be fair to them, whatever happened to that Charlize Theron, huh? Yeah. What's she doing? Movies of the week for Hallmark Channel down there? We should all be hanging around Thrive Blind more. We should. I'm looking around them, rock us to the next best. Yeah, that's true. All right. Why don't you guys go out and fetch your instruments and get yourself set up? I'm going to talk my way through this one because I think we have one more song. Sweet. Yeah, we're going to hear another song from Plain White Teas. The first one was so incredible, but now after your eighth glass of mangueria, let's see how you get through it. Stamps.com, baby. You're a small business. You need experience. You need to save money. You don't want to go to the post office. You don't want to waste time. I got an idea for you. Stamps.com, 24-7 access to all the services the post office has right from your own desk. You can buy and print official U.S. postage right at your own computer. It comes right out of your printer. It's magic. It seems vaguely illegal to me. I really feel like the feds are going to get involved. They are. Oh, yeah. Stamps.com. All right. Spend your time growing your business instead of in line at the post office, and they have a special no-risk offer. Zero in the risk department. It's a $110 bonus offer. It's a digital scale. It's $55, free postage, only if you enter Adam. You get the scale, and you get $55, and you weigh out your parcels exactly. Such a deal. Go to Stamps.com now. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Adam. That's Stamps.com, promo code Adam. All right. Plain White Tees, what do we got here? We've got another two. All right. Tim's going to sing this one. This one's called The Giving Tree. All the leaves on the giving tree have fallen. No state to crawling underneath. I've got scars from a pocket knife where you carved your heart into me If all you wanted was love, why would you use me up, cut me down, build a boat and sail away When all I wanted to be Was your giving tree Settle down, build a home And make you happy Well, I'll lie in the dead of night And I'll wonder Whose covers you're between And it's sad laying in his bed, you feel hollow So you crawl home, back to me If all you wanted was love, why would you use me up? Cut me down, build a boat and sail away When all I wanted to be Was your giving tree Saddle down, build a home And make you happy Well I see a trail that starts A line of broken hearts behind you That leads you back to me The one sad and lonely fool With nothing left but rules to show Oh, oh, if all you wanted was love Why would you use me up, cut me down Build a boat and sail away When all I wanted to be Was your giving tree Settle down, build a home and make you happy Settle down, build a home and make you happy Wow. Two for two. Plain White Tees. Al should have gone to bed. Well, I would recommend it highly, but I think if you heard the last two songs, It recommended itself highly. Thanks, you guys. Your recommendation is better, though. That sounded just unbelievable. And, Mike, this harmony is just unbelievable. It's weird. I can barely see your mouth moving. Maybe it's the mustache. The mustache. It just creeps in, but it's just so beautiful. He's a golden god. Fucking beautiful. Yeah, plain white tees. For people listening, he's a bigger guy. He's got that great falsetto sort of harmony. Unbelievable sounding. website, plainwhitetease.com, and you can Twitter them at plainwhitetease. Thank you guys so much. Come back any time you like. Until next time, this is Adam. Oh, Merced Theater. That's right, this Saturday. All new material. Mostly new material, Fresno. Saturday, April. This Saturday, 9 o'clock. Come on out and say hi. And I'll be fresh as a daisy because I'm driving in from L.A. So, until next time, this is Adam Corolla for plainwhitetease. This is Allison Rosen and Paul Brian Stan. Mahalo. Hey, give up boxing. I started sucking cock. I went to meet my new friend Randy. All right, that's Adam Kulow, show 1065. Played my tea is really awesome. All really cool dudes. I met him when I was out there for one of the trips. I think I was out for this very visit. They actually gave me tickets to go see them on the Tonight Show. This was after Conan had his run and Jay came back. I think it was the final run of Leno era Tonight Show. They sounded amazing in studio. Always the musical performances on the Corolla show, even back in the early days when there was not as professional of recording setups, always sound incredible. Some really unique versions of these songs. That does it for today's Corolla Classics. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for an all-new installment. Until then, mahalo and get it on. Take care.