Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year, so we're speaking about marriage, and he had mentioned that he would never get married without a prenup. I've always been against the idea of a prenup. I do understand the logic behind them, and he's worth a lot more than I am financially. He has a lot more in assets and all of that. So I just feel like if a man says that he won't get married without a prenup, it makes me feel like it's an unsafe marriage for me to enter into because he's planning for divorce, basically, or preparing for it, if that makes sense. Have you shared that with him, those exact words? Yes. How did he respond? And, well, he said that he feels like I'm being ungrateful because he would be willing to, you know, take on me and my two children. And I shouldn't question. So this is an act of charity for him and you should ask for no more. He's already doing the most by letting you into his life. That's, I mean, that's kind of. That's how it makes you feel. Does that feel on brand for him? Like, was that a shocking answer? You're like, wow, that's not what I was expecting you to say. Or was it like, yeah, it's kind of like his, like, MO? Well, I was pretty surprised when you said that, and it was a little upsetting. Mm-hmm. And I don't, I mean, I understand that money is important, obviously, but there are things that I value more than money. and there's no amount of money that would be worth a divorce to me or like dragging my children through a failed marriage and all of that. Sure. Is this second marriage for both of you or one of you? It's a second marriage for me. I was married young, but we were married for about six years. And when I was getting ready to have our child he decided he didn want to be married anymore so I been a single mom for the last 11 years and this is his first marriage he never been married he has no children so he's he's only he's been alone his whole life okay and um and you have one child you said I actually have two so I had a second child she she just turned three okay okay not with him though, correct? Right. With this boyfriend. Okay. So, so, um, how much more is he worth than you, would you say? 10 plus million, a million, half a million, less than half a million? I don't know exactly. The number that he gave me was 2 million, like between retirement and assets, savings, all of that. Okay. And what is he wanting to protect going into this marriage? Exactly. Anything that he has right now. So all of his assets and retirement and all that, he says it wouldn't be fair if we were to get divorced, it wouldn't be fair for me to get half of everything he's worked for. And I understand the logic. And I'm not saying I want half of everything. I'm saying I don't want to go into this marriage like talking about divorce because I'm 36 years old, and if I'm going to be getting divorced in five years, I'd rather not get married. Right, right. No, no, I hear you. I think you guys are just missing each other communication-wise, and he has his reasons, and you have your reasons, and neither of you are getting to the root of it and understanding each other. Well, and my problem, Beth, is I don't think he's necessarily in the wrong, because I will be honest. Our teaching around prenups, it kind of varies a little bit. We don't really have a hardcore teaching. I think we were more hardcore, no prenup for a long time. And as the years have gone on and different situations, different, you know, divorce law in certain states, like, you know, there's an understanding if there is a significant difference in net worth that if you choose to protect it with a prenup, like, you know, it's not necessarily wrong, right, for in his sake. So I'm not going to say that he is wrong. But where I do think he's wrong and what I get the ick about is the way he's responding to you in it. and it makes you feel like he valuing his money over you And that how it feels And so that the problem that I have right His response to you at the beginning of this call what you said I was like oh my gosh that why I asked like is this like his is this how he is Because he kind of sounds like a little bit of a jerk, right? Versus someone that's going to take care of you where you're like, I don't like the way this is making me feel, you know, and Bethany, you could, you could own it all and say, this may be more my issue than yours. And I wish he came with some empathy on the table say I completely understand how that how this is how this does kind of feel off because I could only imagine being a single parent raising two kids and then I'm putting this paperwork in front of you that feels so like litigious and it's just oh it's not a good feeling but here's where I'm at right like if he like met you in the conversation with it and valued you in it I think you may be feeling better but it's like he keeps doubling down and the the ickiness of what prenups do to people, the grossness, he doubled down on that. Do you know what I mean? Like he didn't help the prenup, uh, like the, the prenup, you know, fight and that doesn't make sense. He didn't set it up well. And what happened here is the prenup is a tool. It's not evil. It's just a tool. And he's using it as a weapon to say, well, you should be on your, you should be great. Yeah. That, that part gave me the ick for sure. But I think there is a compromise here where you can, instead of you getting defensive, just say, Hey, I'm open to hearing more about what you're thinking when it comes to this prenup? Can you share some details about how this would be set up? I would love for this to be fair to both of us. Sorry, George, go ahead. That alone, he's like, oh, I can be disarmed now and not have to bow up. If you knew going forward how you guys are going to work together in your marriage with money, that may be helpful too. That's where sometimes prenups can get a little bit convoluted. if you start commingling finances, which is what we talk about, that you need to be working together and you are one, while his retirement, all that will still be in his name. But we see it from an emotional standpoint as this is our household finances together. Once we get married, we say we are one in every aspect. And I would want to hear that from him to know that when we say I do and we do this life together I want to know not only is our expectation it is forever right That what we going in saying but also that we going to be one in the subject of money And and he already started the conversation off as already it split right Like we going to be two is how it feels So I just want to make sure in the marriage, you guys are working together and that you are being taken care of and that he's being taken care of. Like, you know, you both have that give and take in the marriage when it comes to money and I don't want it to be one-sided. And sometimes, not always, people with that prenup mentality sometimes continue it on in the marriage to continue to isolate the other spouse to say, well, this is my money. This is your money. I'm working hard, right? If you look down two years and if you want to be a stay-at-home mom and he makes, you know, enough for you to do that, but yet he keeps saying it's my money over here. That's not a marriage. You have to ask for an allowance. I mean, that's where it gets toxic. So I would get a full picture of what money is going to look like in this marriage. And if the prenup makes sense as a part of that, great. But if you guys are unaligned in every other area with money, that is a huge red flag that we should not move forward. Yeah, that makes sense. So get clear with them tonight. Sit down and say, hey, I want to know more about this. Would I be a beneficiary as long as we're married on your retirement accounts and on the real estate? And any future wealth, any appreciation of the house and of your retirement accounts, any wealth that we create together from here on out, would I be entitled to half of that? Those are things where you start to understand and get in the minutia of it, you might go, oh, okay, that makes sense. It just sounded harsh on the front end. Right. Yeah. And he didn't help his case though, the way he treated you. So that sounds too. So, um, yeah, yeah. So I think, I think you go in with some caution, but a lot of clarity, Beth, and I would not sign anything until you feel comfortable though. So I don't want you to feel intimidated. Never feel pressured into like, well, it's better happened now, ultimatum. That's another red flag. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like if he would break up with me over a prenup, then that is him choosing his money. You dodged a bullet there if that happens. I would agree with that too. You should be thankful. You should write him a thank you note if that happens to spare you. Oh my goodness. Well, we're rooting for you, Beth. I hope you guys can come to a consensus that is fair and equitable for all without the ick. That's the goal here. 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