I Accidentally Paralyzed My Dad

Hi guys, it's me, Davora. I am so excited to finally share this with you all. I've officially launched a new subscription channel called We're All Insane Plus, where inside you will get access to never-before-heard bonus episodes, all podcast episodes completely commercial-free, and my brand new show, We're All Healing, where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors, and healers to talk about how we actually process pain, reconnect with our true selves, and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to We're All Insane Plus in-app on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, or you can head over to we'reallinsane.com to learn more. My name is Courtney Klein. I have been married for 14 years. We have three kids here, two in heaven. My husband owns a business, and I am getting used to saying this, but I'm a content creator. I love it. Yeah. So I am here to share my story about an accident that happened with my dad when I was younger, um, that shifted both of our lives and then how I feel like I have used that trauma to shape my life moving forward. So little backstory about my family. My dad is like the goofiest dad. He just always had that like contagious personality. Anytime my friends were over, he's like the, he's like the dad that like gives them nicknames, picks on them. They're always like, act like he's annoying, but like, you know, everybody loves him. He was a custodian at a local middle school. And like, I remember going to work with him and like, he'd walk in and like all the kids, if they were in the cafeteria or whatever, just freak out because they loved him so much. So we had a, like, I feel like I had a good childhood. Like, my parents did the best with what they had. That's kind of, you know, where we were at. And I was always a daddy's girl. So, like, I specifically remember one time my mom told my dad to take me back to the bedroom to spank my butt. We were spanking family. You know better, you do better. Okay, we're spanking family, too. We turned out good. I remember her telling him to take me back there and spank me. I had done something. I can't remember what it was. But I remember he, like, took me back there, had his belt, and was like, pretend to cry. And he, like, smacked the belt with his, or smacked the bed with his belt. Like, that was my dad. Like, he couldn't, there was no way. Like, that's how. So we didn't have a very big family. I had one brother. And, you know, it was just a good childhood. so I feel like my dad's like there's like two memories you know like there's two separate time frames it's like my dad before the accident my dad after the accident um and it's it's kind of like my my childhood's like split in two if that makes sense so I had my license I had my license for a little while and my dad had this big truck that I loved like I thought I was so cool in that truck like my friends would get in the truck with me um so we were I grew up in West Virginia closer to Kentucky most of your roads are like back roads you've got to pull over to the side to let another car through so that's how my neighborhood road was had some blind spots in it I was driving around with my friends in the truck and we were going to meet our boyfriends. We had to run home first. And I remember like, you know, I'm in a hurry. Like, yeah, you got to run home real fast. And like, I just was like always on the go. So I was going a little too fast on our one lane road. And my dad, we had a huge hill behind our house. So when he mowed the grass, it was like with a four-wheeler with a mowing deck attached to the back. So he would do that. It was a Friday. He's mowing the grass, drink a couple beers. That was like a normal thing for him to do. And then before he would put the four-wheeler up, he would detach the mowing deck and like he used to ride dirt bikes, go super fast. Like he's loved that. So he'd turn his hat backwards and he'd take off down the road a couple times on the four-wheeler. So our timing was just not great. He was coming up where there was a blind spot and I met him right there. So it's always like we were always kind of unsure like did I tip the four-wheeler or did it was it just where he locked up the brakes because we met each other. If our timing had been a tad bit worse we would have hit head on for sure. Okay. I mean, we were seconds from hitting head on. So I just remember coming through there, we had music on and it was just like, out of nowhere, there's my dad, like just coming at me very fast. And we think that like, he locked up the brakes in a panic and I did too. Right. But on a four wheeler, That's very different. So he locked up the brakes and it threw him behind my truck, way behind the truck. So he went over? Mm-hmm. Okay. And the four-wheeler just kept flipping. Four-wheeler was done, like, completely somewhere else. And it was just, like, such a blur. Like. Yeah. Like, you know, like I knew what happened, but like in the moment it was like, did that just really happen? Right. And I'm assuming you knew it was him right away. Yes. Immediately like knew it was him. Yeah. I think that the friend that was with me was like, who, like who was, you know, like that wasn't a normal thing for her. Right. But like I knew that that was my dad. So I remember like jumping out of the truck and didn't put the truck in park. that's how like shook up I was and had to like jump back in the truck and put it in park and then like we ran to him and he was I don't even know how far like you just wouldn't even believe how far he was thrown he wasn't wearing a helmet so he was laying in a field back behind where my truck was and he was facing up I'll never forget what he looked like he was on his back facing up. He was not conscious, just very bloody. And I just remember being like, he's dead. Like, I just killed my dad. Like, I remember that thought so vividly, like, looking at him, like, he's definitely dead. Like, his mouth was open. He just was, like, laying there, not moving. so the whole that whole period um was like very blurry i think the neighbor saw it happen that was like towards the end of the road and they called 9-1-1 and i just kept saying like he's dead like he's dead and i don't like it just like when you're in that it's like you don't know I also was like 17. Like, I don't know to like go and check for a pulse or like, um, I remember my friend being like physically sick from looking at him beside him. Like she was physically sick. So I remember like, it was all just a rush and thinking like, how am I going to tell my mom? I was thinking my mom was at work and that was like the biggest confusing thing. And now looking back, I'm like, well, I was in shock for sure. But like the most confusing thing was like, how do I, I gotta call my mom where she at like and she happened to be home she had started dinner already and he was using her keys for the four-wheeler so she couldn't get in her car because he had her keys so I just remember her like running down the road and we were not close to my house so it was like the neighbor must have called 911 and then called her and I don't it just like when your body's in that state, I just remember looking at me like, how did my mom get here? Like just was so confused. I don't even remember how I got to the hospital, but I do remember them, um, all the ambulances come in. There were multiple ambulances for some reason. And I remember a paramount paramedic yelling, like I have his pulse. And I was like, my dad's not dead. like it never occurred to me that like I should go over and like like I know I like kneeled beside him but like I couldn't tell that it was breathing yes like moment yeah and he just looked so terrible that like your body is just like in this panic right that yeah you don't do what you think you would do in a situation like that so I don't remember how I got to the hospital but I know that when we were there like there were so many all of our friends and family were all in the waiting room and my mom had rode with him on the ambulance and so we were just waiting for her to come out and like give us some type of update so she did I remember her coming out and saying he has a broken neck a broken back he shattered his elbow and then also broke this bone in two places and this bone. So his arm was just destroyed. He had a concussion. He was very bruised, very scraped up. I think he hit his head in multiple places because that's probably where the blood was coming from. That's why he was so bloody. And I just like, I remember my mom saying that and then me being like, he broke his neck, like broke his back. Like life's never going to look the same. and then I remember sitting down and it was like this realization that it was my fault like I can't even picture it now like where everybody was sitting my friends were on the sides of me and I like sat down in the chair and everybody's kind of talking and it was like I just sunk into that chair and was like I did this to my dad like this is my fault because I was driving too fast why did I have to be in his truck? Why did I have to be like, and it was like, at that point, I was like, I just wanted to leave. Like, I just wanted to disassociate. And like, you know, I'd never experienced something like that before. So I feel like I, once I had that realization, I struggled with that for a long time, like that that was my fault. So he went on to have seven surgeries, reconstructive surgeries to his arm. When you shatter your elbow to get your arm to work, like they've got to do a lot of things. So he had just like the same incision over and over again. So when you have surgeries like that and you've got an injury that bad, they're giving you pain pills constantly. so my dad was already like a drinker but at that point they declared him like officially declared him disabled so he was no longer working anymore and you know like I'm still like a teenager watching my dad go through this like my dad can't work anymore my dad is constantly recovering from surgeries and like kind of holding that in that like I did that like that's my fault I did that so he had nerve damage from all the surgeries like every time they would do a surgery it was like a known thing like that's going to cause you more nerve damage but we have to fix your arm you either don't have function in your arm or you have nerve damage and it was just like a kind of a doom and gloom kind of thing. I can't imagine now that I'm an adult, like being in that position and having a doctor say that constantly, like this is where you're at. This is your life. There's no, you're not going to have full function of your arm like that anymore. So he was in constant pain, just the nerve pain. Just, I remember that so vividly. Like he just complained all the time that he was in pain. Like it didn't matter what you did, his arm hurt. And my mom was always taking care of him, recovering from the surgeries. So he would drink to help the pain. And then he also had the pain pills that they were constantly giving him to help the pain. So he like, I don't even know how long it took, but he quickly became addicted to pain pills after that. And I mean, I feel like that's such a common story that somebody has a surgery they have a back injury they have this they have that and people you know doctors are prescribing them pain pills because that's what you do and and they get addicted to pain pills yeah like very fast quick question for you yeah so after he got out of I guess did he have a surgery the first day that he went into the hospital yeah so after the first time you talked to him after the accident did you feel like he had any no blame towards you so it was just within yourself really that you're it was just me like he was very much like I shouldn't have been I was going way too fast you know I came up over that hill there was nothing you could do yeah and you know it probably that's probably true but you know I was like 17 18 19 dealing with all of this like it felt like if I hadn't been there if I had not been running around to you know going too fast in his truck trying to be cool in his truck like I wouldn't have had that that experience and we would be in a very different place right now so I think too it's like even if circumstances were different I feel like even the fact that you were there it just it's very easy I feel like to place that blame on yourself and be like I would regardless like I was the other party in it yeah and I feel like I've looked at it before too it's like it's not like I you know I hit his four-wheeler yeah or like something like that where it's like he's mad about it it's like a life-altering thing that happened and I feel like when you're that young it's a lot to carry yeah it is it's like that's a lot to deal with and process and yeah so I I had like very bad anxiety moving past that um I feel like I was always an anxious kid not like in an abnormal way but like I had anxiety and it like became crippling at points um My mom became the person who was working. My dad was not. He was sitting in a recliner all day, every day, doing the same thing. He fell into a depression pretty quick after that, which is pretty normal. I spent those last two summers before I had moved working multiple jobs and just helping out where I could. you know, and I was dating my now husband who lived in Maryland. So we were about five hours apart. I dated him for most of my senior year. And then when I graduated, I, the next day, moved to Maryland to be with him. I think subconsciously, I thought that like some distance from the constant surgeries the pain would help somehow like me having some distance from that but I was still like struggling like carrying some guilt from that and like I also like had a new guilt that like I just left my family my dad you know it's still he had more surgeries after that it it was a lot you know but I was trying to build a life independently I felt like I needed to do that. But it was like shortly after I had left, addiction and depression just became his identity. Like it was, it was like a very quick downfall. I feel like, and I mean, I can't even blame him. Cause I'm like, if I was sitting in a chair all day long, can't do the things that I used to do can't pull my bow back he was an avid hunter he was a golfer he can't do any of the things that he loves anymore can't even hold on to a four-wheeler if he wanted to get back on it I mean that you know it's all the things that he enjoyed doing like that's just done and I just I can't imagine that um especially the older I get I'm like I would be so depressed I would be in such a dark place you don't really have an escape Yes. Like you just, and you're in pain constantly. Just, yeah. So it started to get to a point where like, you know, I'm five hours away, but my friends, my brother's friends, there would be incidents where they would call me and be like, listen, I just saw your dad and he's passed out in the Wendy's parking lot. Like it was to that point where he was drinking so much, mixing alcohol with pain pills and driving. He'd be out doing something, trying to get out of the house. And my mom would be at work and I'd be like, I don't know what to do. I'm five hours away. Like, can you get him? I remember a specific time where a friend that I went to high school with didn't talk too much after that. Um, she called and was like, I know this is super random. I know that you live in Maryland now. I don't know what to do, but your dad, like, and that was one of the friends that my dad would like joke with so they were like oh my gosh it's larry like yeah he's in i remember them like trying to help him get him in the car get him back home called my brother my brother had to have his friend drive him to go get his truck it was just like one thing after another like that where he just he had completely lost himself and was just on a downward spiral and I think my mom was hiding how bad it was from me too because I wasn't there to see it because you know now that I'm older and we've talked about it a lot it's like she would say she would come home and he'd be passed out in the bathroom and she'd come home from work and just find him in the bathroom and he would be sick from drinking or you know so we eventually my husband's an entrepreneur so he started a new business and we moved to Ohio so we were much closer to my family at this point I had a three-year-old and a toddler so I was like trying to raise my own family coming into being a mom and we were now an hour and a half from my family which was a good thing because we had never lived that close to them before and they were excited about that. But. And during this time, was he still going through recovery? Yeah. Okay. How long, do you remember how many years it was total? It was like, there were probably a good three years there where he was like recovering from a surgery. Now you have to have another surgery, recovering from a surgery. Now you have to have another one. Um, so it was just like, I mean, when I say they were prescribing him pain pills, it was like years of them. So much in the body, even just like going under anesthesia, I feel like is so much. And it's like when you finally start to feel good again, it's like, well, we have another surgery and start over. Yeah. So it's like, he just couldn't get ahead. I feel like he just couldn't like, and he didn't really have anybody in his corner beyond my mom. Like my mom's just trying to do, she's just trying to get through the day. She's got to pay the bills. She's got to, you know, she's got to go to work. She's got to keep up with what she's got going on. And my brother, he's my older brother, he had his own life too. And then here I had moved away. And we don't have a huge family. We have, you know, he has a sister. At the time, they were very close. But she can only do so much too, you know. So flash forward to December of 2016. I think he was kind of past the surgeries at that point. My youngest was two at the time. we were living in Ohio I got a phone call I actually had multiple phone calls I remember laying down to take a nap with the kids and I woke up and my phone had just been blown like just blowing up and I don't even remember who I chose to call back first and before I could even finish anything, my mom was calling me again. And she said that something had happened. She needed me to remain calm because she going to need somebody And I remember like my heart sinking into my stomach like he gotten into a drunk accident or something like that Like never would I have guessed that this was the situation But above our house was a gas station where like, you know, I grew up in a small town. You cannot go to that gas station and not see everyone you went to high school with. And my brother worked there on and off. He currently works there now. and my dad had went up there I think to get alcohol he must have been drunk when he got there and he went in he bought what he wanted to buy he went back out to his truck I'm not sure what was going through his mind but he must have been in the middle of a breakdown and he decided I'm going to commit suicide. So he had his gun in his truck and he had his gun to his head and was sitting there maybe crying with his gun to his head. Um, and the people in the gas station, they all know him. Like, you know, everybody when you go in there and they saw him. So they called the police. The police came and my dad was so drunk that they were telling him to put his gun down and he wouldn't put his gun down and he wouldn't get out of his truck. So here there's lots of police surrounding his truck. They have their guns drawn on him because he won't put his gun down and they don't know what he's going to do. And they finally got him to put his gun down. They tackled him. They arrested him. They told him and my mom, he either can go to jail and be charged for a lot of things, or you can admit him to the local psychiatric hospital for a week to be evaluated. and my mom didn't want him to have a bunch of charges so she admitted him to the psychiatric hospital he was so mad at her and that was like three days before Christmas so he was in the psychiatric hospital for Christmas my mom was alone we weren't spending Christmas with my family that year we were in Maryland so we were it just was like you just feel so hopeless like helpless. Like, you're just like, what it like, my whole life looks different now. And there's no, like, you can't get in somebody's thoughts. You can't like, it's like my dad's in a hospital. It's like, what were you thinking? Why would you do that? Now looking back, I'm like, he was so miserable. Yeah. Like he just was so miserable. So I was completely heartbroken. My mom was completely heartbroken. And little did I know my mom had just been dealing with this for so long that that was her breaking point. And I didn't realize that that's where they were at, but that was it. Like, that was the cherry on top. My mom was done. So towards the end of that week, my mom started getting kind of, like, acting kind of weird when I would talk to her to try to check in with her. And she finally was like, I'm not going to be with your dad anymore. and I just remember being like what is happening yeah you know that frustrating feeling of thinking you're doing everything right but not feeling your best you're seeing doctors taking all the supplements you're trying every treatment and you still don't feel better well you're not alone here's what I've seen after years of doing this work your body is not broken it is trying to speak to you. And until you listen, nothing is going to truly change. On Heal Thyself, I sit down with the top doctors, shamans, scientists, and healers who spent their lives decoding the language of the body. Learning what your body's actually saying when it's expressing disease, pain, mental health issues like anxiety or depression, and to educate us on what we really need to make permanent change. We explore everything from near-death experiences that redefine what's possible in life, somatic practices that bring you back into your body and your aliveness, the latest cutting-edge science and functional medicine and how we can change our physical health, all of the breakthroughs that show that symptoms can become portals for healing. So if you've been searching for clarity, for tools that will actually help you feel like yourself again, this is where you start. listen to heal thyself with me dr g new episodes every monday and thursday wherever you get your podcast your body's been speaking to you and it is time to understand what it's finally saying and what the fuck is he gonna do yes like what do you mean like but i also have to like look at it from her perspective too like she was miserable yeah and she was trying all that she could and And she was like, I'm it. This is it. Like, I just can't do it anymore. This isn't what I want my life to look like. I think it's hard, too, because, like, how you said it's split for you. I'm sure it's split for her, like, the marriage. Yeah, for sure. It looks completely different. Yeah. So she had made up her mind. She was done. And I just felt like everything was a mess. Nothing was in my control. and that was kind of the start of me being like very emotional this is all happening I don't know what to do and my husband being like we have our own life like we have you have two kids that are depending on you like we're trying to live our own life you cannot get wrapped up in this um but I think that from that trauma like I felt like this was my fault and I was like holding on to that like had my dad not had an accident he wouldn't have been where he was like I was like clinging to that I don't think I ever vocalized it at that point but like I felt responsible for where they were so it was like my mom's life was imploding my dad's life was and it felt like it was my fault yeah so when he got home from the hospital my mom told him like you need to find somewhere else to live because I'm done. He was a mess. He was not okay. So he moved in with his mom until he could find an apartment. When he did get an apartment, I remember going there and it was just, you know, he's living off of a disability check. That's it. Yeah. They're not together. So he's, he doesn't have, you know, they're splitting everything up. His apartment was like a hole in the wall. The ceiling was falling down. It was just the saddest thing to like, you know, you go and like your dad is like, you know, for some people, my dad was like hung the moon, like just my dad could do anything. He was the strong dad. It needed fixed. My dad was going to fix it. No matter what would happen, my dad was going to pull through. Get it done. And then you go and see your dad in a situation like that. He's like living in this run down hole in the wall and he's crying constantly. He's drunk half the time. It just was like such a defeating thing to feel and go through. Because it's like I want my dad, I want to help my dad get better. But it's also not my responsibility to take care of him. Yeah. And so I was just in this battle like that all the time. Just what is my responsibility? Where do I draw a boundary? And I was young. I was a young mom. Like, I didn't know how to set boundaries for myself at that point. Like, I was learning as I went and everything I did. Marriage, like I was trying to just figure it out by the seat of my pants. That's where I was at. And I think it's hard too because, you know, you want to help, but I think, and I understand obviously how different his life was after the accident and how miserable, but then it's like at the same time, it's hard to help somebody that doesn't have that will to help themselves. You know, like it just seemed like he was, he let it destroy him. He did. He let what happened become his identity. Yeah. A hundred percent. Which it's hard not to, you know, when you can't do anything. It's very hard. So I get that also. It's like, it's so tough. Yeah. So it got to the point where my mom and him were not speaking. He was living in the apartment by himself. I'm living like an hour away. He was drinking himself to death, finding pills on the street. At that point, he was done with surgeries. They weren't giving him any more pain medicine. He'd go to the doctor, say he was in pain, and they're like, this is where you're at. We're not, we can't give you anything else. So he started finding people to buy pills from. and it really did just feel like it became my responsibility when he would have a meltdown I would have to stop everything I was doing and try to talk him off of a ledge that's how it felt all the time just I would have voicemails where he's just drunk babbling you know just was like this is not how things are supposed to be this is not and then it started to put a strain on my marriage at the same time because Matt would be like you have to step back like you've got to step back and like this is not your problem to solve he's a grown man like you have kids that you have we have a life here and it was like this fight of like that's my dad though like it's my dad I can't just like I can't just say figure it out and walk away so I I feel like I truly believed like he was in the state that he was in because of me. And so I kept on trying to fix his problems, trying to be a mediator between my mom and him. It would be like, you know, my daughter's birthday and I would come to have a birthday party and it would be like, you guys going to be in the same place? Like, are we going to be able to do this? Cause they weren't speaking to each other. And looking back now, my mom was setting a boundary for herself. She was like, I have to separate myself from you because this is not, this isn't going well. So she actually, so my dad is my dad, but my brother has a different dad. My mom had gotten pregnant when she was a senior in high school. He never had anything to do with my brother. My dad met my mom when she was pregnant. So he's been there for my brother's entire life. So if you ask my brother, my dad is his dad, you know, but she actually reconnected with my brother's biological dad and started dating him after she got a divorce from my dad. And that was hard. So in the midst of my dad just completely breaking down, my mom has moved my brother's biological dad into our family home where my dad was. And I did not like him. I did not get along with him. I got creepy vibes from him still to this day. I will die on that hill. It just was not right. Like it just was not. And it was more like, how did your brother feel about it? Cause he's not great. Yeah. Cause You said he never had a relationship with him. No. No, he reached out one time when my brother was about to graduate high school and asked if he could come to his graduation and then didn't show up. And then one time my brother went to a gas station to buy cigarettes, and that is where his biological father was working. And he went in, and his biological dad ID'd him. Yeah. that's crazy so I was like you know then he's like in the picture and it's like yeah who are you like that's kind of where we both my brother and I both were just like this is so messed up and it was just like I wanted to just shake my mom and be like what's going on I want you to be happy but like what are we doing here so just felt like everything was a mess everything was a mess you're tiptoeing around this whole situation in the meantime I'm like I'm trying to just learn to be a good mom and like figure out what I'm doing with my life and, you know, try to keep my dad alive and my mom happy and, you know, my family be as normal as it can be. So, you know, I can't blame her for where she was at, but I feel like my dad just became more suicidal and depressed. He had lost so much weight, so much weight. And yeah, it just felt like I was always trying to talk him off of a ledge and him knowing that my mom was dating this guy was just like took him down 20 more pegs than he ever needed to be so my mom had had a best friend through high school they were very very tight all the way through high school she had moved and joined the army when she was a senior, reconnected with my mom when my brother was very little. So we started like our family vacations were to go visit them and they lived in Chicago and their family vacations were to come visit us. Like that's how much we loved our time together. So there were three daughters and then me and my brother. And it was like we just had like built in best friends. Like we all grew up together. um so my mom's best friend and her husband felt like second parents to me like I could tell them anything we were all so close my dad became best friends with the husband his name was Rich and my mom was very close with her best friend Trish so like we just did everything together when they would come like they'd stay with us so after all of this had happened my mom has the new guy living in the house, they are coming for a visit. And it's just this weird dynamic because that's my dad's best friend that's going to stay with us. He's got to now mingle with this new guy, knowing that my dad is just in an apartment 10 minutes away, breaking down. Yeah. Just not okay. And that put my dad, like he knew they were coming. They came the same time every year. We always had such a good trip. We let off fireworks. It was my son's birthday. Like we just always did so much together. And so it was just this very awkward visit. And that night we were all going to bed. We were all staying in my mom's house and my kids were in the living room on an air mattress. And I laid down in between them and I got a text from my dad and he was basically telling me goodbye, that he was going to kill himself. He can't take it anymore. He loves me. This was never my fault. Um, and you know, like I was his pride and joy. It was just, I mean, you name it of like a goodbye letter. It was there in the text. And I immediately start panicking because I'm just like, I'm already feeling that weight of like this whole visit just feels wrong. so I run to get my best friend. She's putting her toddler to sleep, and I'm like, I gotta get somebody, so I go into my mom, and I'm like, I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't know what to do, and I need you to help me. I'm hysterical. I'm like, do I go down there? He's not answering, and I don't know what to do. Like, do I drive down to his apartment? And my mom's like, don't, because he's probably drunk. He has his guns. Who knows if, you know, what state of mind he's in like what if he didn't know it was you and he accidentally shot you or um so we decide that I'm gonna call the police my mom's best friend she comes out with me and I call 911 she's standing there with me um Rich my dad's best friend comes out you know and they're just being there for support I call the police and I tell them that I need a well check I explain the whole situation hysterically crying because I just it felt different it felt different than any other time that he's like I don't want to be here anymore it just felt like he was genuinely saying goodbye and so the police say they're on their way down there they've got somebody very close so they'll be there very quickly so I call his sister my Aunt Rhonda and I'm like this is what's going on I just want to let you know, this is so hard because I don't know what to do. I'm telling my mom and, you know, this guy sitting here with her, it's just such an awkward situation. She doesn't want me to go down there, but I just want to go down there and like just be with him. So they're like, you stay there. You shouldn't see him like this anyways. We'll go down there. So my aunt and my uncle go to his apartment and he's just belligerent. Like he's so gone and they're trying to talk to him and they get there before the police do. And they're trying to talk to him. He's confrontational. So he's yelling at my uncle and I'm not even sure because I obviously wasn't there. What transpired between the two of them? But my uncle said something. My dad didn't like it or he was completely just had no idea what was going on. he lunged at my uncle to attack him my uncle falls backwards out of the door my uncle was about to go through he was in kidney failure so he was about to go through dialysis he had a port in his arm which is very dangerous you can't let anything hit it um it's like a very big deal so like he was in a state where like we were very worried about him as it was you know yeah my dad attacks him he falls backwards out of the steps of the apartment lands on his shoulder he's a bigger guy all of his weight goes on his shoulder he shattered his shoulder the police get there as that's happening they arrest my dad and it I mean it could have just went so many different ways but he had a chihuahua my dad did that was like his best friend his name was Bandit. In the chaos of all that, the Chihuahua got out of the apartment. My mom loved that dog just as much, too. They split the dogs, so Bandit went with my dad, and the other dog stayed with my mom. So as we're getting relayed, you know, my aunt's calling me. Now there's an ambulance there taking my uncle to the hospital um he's shattered his shoulder they're checking his port he's not okay my dad's been arrested and I'm just like what's next you know and I also have my two children there watching me break down because I'm just like I mean how are you supposed to hold it together right so he he he gets arrested they keep him in jail overnight they tell us we can't find the dog just letting you know that the dog's not there the dog got out so we're driving around trying to find the dog my mom's hysterical trying to find the dog the dog ended up getting hit by a car and i was like my dad's not gonna survive this like just it's just one thing after another he cannot get ahead and then when he doesn't get ahead it it takes him back so far that like that's who he is that's his life he can't he feels sorry for himself he's like nothing goes his way that's his identity like that's where he's at so I'm just like you know we've got our friends there we're like trying to enjoy our time together because we're not going to see them again for a while and I'm just in a state where I'm like I can't even parent right now like I just want my and my husband wasn't there he was on a business trip so he's coming home and it just was like I've got to wait and figure out when are they going to release my dad because who's going to go pick him up me nobody else is going to get him so we went to his apartment I feel like it was a stipulation that like they were saying you can pick him up but because he was a danger to himself and other people the guns have to be removed from his apartment so I sent my grandma his mom to go get him and I went to his apartment with my brother and my best friend Sandy we went into his apartment got all of his guns he's a hunter so it's not like he's got machine guns and all this stuff there, but like he's got his guns. He's got the guns that were passed down to him from his dad. And we took all of those guns, put them at my grandma's house and he got to come home He was just he was not he just was like he was embarrassed He was disappointed in himself He felt like he has let everybody down. So then we have a period where we have to get through that. He's also burned bridges now, physically injured my uncle. They don't want anything to do with him at this point. They're like, just, we can't ride this roller coaster anymore. We're done. so it just felt like it was on me like nobody wants to help him nobody wants to be there for him I did this had I not wrecked his life he would be in a different place right now and like it's my responsibility um so he knows about the dog he's not okay I feel like we kind of went through this whole thing. He couldn't afford his apartment anymore. I was like maybe a month after the arrest he realized he couldn't afford to pay his bills anymore. So we moved him out of his apartment and back in with his mom and I got him another chihuahua. I actually went with my mom. Somebody had two chihuahua puppies for sale. He loves chihuahuas and she took one. She took the sister yeah and he took the brother and they're still not speaking to each other um and so I took it to him put it in a gift bag it was like the tiniest little dog I'm sure um and he just bawled and it like that dog he named him Chip became like you know he needed that dog yeah and it was like therapy for him I was like I've got to like help him I got to do something to help so he had that dog he kind of like he would go through these periods like I'm gonna get sober yeah I'm gonna be fine he had a friend lived in town not in a good area still not sure of the story of what happened but um I think I know what happened someone who wasn't his friend switched the plates on his truck, the truck that I was driving, two stolen plates. So he left his friend's house to drive home, got pulled over and got arrested again. That was like where I was like, I can't do this anymore. Like I can't explain to somebody what it feels like to lay in bed and like scroll through the mug shots to find out if your dad got arrested the night before, if he's okay. Is he okay? Is he drunk somewhere? Is he in a ditch somewhere? Like he's supposed to be my protector. Like he's supposed to be the person that I call for advice or, you know, I can't get the lawnmower to work. So I'm calling my dad to help me. Like, um, and instead it's like, I don't know the wellbeing of my dad on a day-to-day basis. So there was like a thing that would post the mug shots from the night before. And I would check that. I would scroll it every morning. Like I would have this anxiety and then I'd feel this relief when my dad wasn't on there. And then I'm sure like it would be relief, but then like worry of still like, okay, well, is he okay? Yeah. What's he doing? He's not answering me. Is he okay? And then you've got like the arguments between him and my mom. It's like, then I'm talking to my mom and she's like, I'm so done with that. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to, and I'm just in the middle, like being pulled back and forth. Um, birthday parties, that was like the biggest headache ever. Just like, can we all just be adults and just be in the same place, you know? So February of 2018, my best friend in Chicago, my mom's best friend's daughter, she texts me and she said my dad's gone he from what we know he had gotten they think he was drinking he slipped on ice hit the back of his head maybe on his truck on the ground I'm not sure he had been struggling with a head injury um since that December so February 2018 his wife had went in my mom's best friend went in to wake him up for a doctor's appointment and found that he had had a seizure in his sleep um she tried to give him CPR but he was gone this was rich This was Rich, my dad's best friend, yeah. So it just was like, you know, this was like a second dad to me. Somebody that, like, has watched me grow up. And, you know, my best friend who felt like a sister, we never win a day without talking to each other, has just lost her dad. And here I'm in this position where I'm, like, petrified I'm going to lose my dad. And I'm like, how's my dad going to recover from this as well? So I remember calling my mom and telling her and then calling my dad and telling him. And they told us when they were going to have arrangements. We were already like my mother-in-law drove from Maryland to Ohio to keep my kids. my husband was filming a wedding in Iowa so he wasn't there and my parents neither could afford to drive themselves to Chicago nor could they afford a hotel room so I was driving the two of them have not they haven't been together in over a year haven't seen each other I got to put them in my car together drive all the way to Chicago then we shared a hotel room the three of you yeah oh my gosh yes so I was like just I just got to make it through this weekend like it was one of the hardest weekends I'd ever had up to that point um you know we are laying rich to rest, which was just, it's still hard for me to comprehend at this point that he's not here. Um, so like, and then you add in that, like my parents haven't been with each other and I've got to take them both there. This is somebody that's so important to all of our lives. So who knows how they're going to react or how they're going to be. So it, my dad had been two weeks sober on the day of Rich's funeral. Two weeks. That was the longest stretch he had been since the accident. And they're getting along. They're being cordial with each other. They're talking. We're just trying to focus on our family that has just lost Rich. and we I had went somewhere and left the two of them in the hotel room and I remember coming back and they were still awake talking to each other and I was like this could be bad like I just remember being like my mom doesn't want to be with my dad so I'm I hope that she's not like leading him on in any way or like making him feel like they're rekindling something. Like there's hope. Yes. Because it just felt like everything that happened, I was like prepared for a downfall. Like prepared for my dad to like, I've got to help him not spiral, you know? And like looking back on that now, it's really sad that like I was carrying that much. Like, yeah, I felt that much responsibility. for like the decisions that my dad was making my dad you know like I mean right and it's already heavy to carry that responsibility with anybody yeah you know and I think when you like you mentioned when you put in the part that technically that was that's supposed to be your protector and your parent and then it feels like it's the opposite yeah so I think I had like an anxiety of like you know it's not my mom's fault but like I don't want my mom to mess this up yeah I just we don't need something else he's two weeks sober like yeah I need her to just you know don't don't don't make waves like let's just let's just stay where we're at he's two weeks sober like we're on a stretch here so I felt like my mom you know we we have always had a pretty good relationship, but I feel like we have had some rocky moments and I felt like she was kind of leading him on. Like he, I could just see that he was giddy to be around her and I was nervous and I was like a little, I was getting a little angry with her. Like, I don't feel like you need to do that. Like, just leave him alone, you know? Um, I feel like I felt very misunderstood and I couldn't like take the back and forth anymore. So I feel like she had made a comment about something. I let it bother me. I got into an argument with her and I was just like, I can't take the division, the fear of what might happen. I just was like, I was at a breaking point. Like, I can't take one more catastrophic thing happening. I need to just focus on my life and my kids and my husband. And what do I want to do with my life? Like, where do I want to be? I don't want to take care of my dad all the time. Like, if you could just let me be. And I felt like she didn't understand that. I can't remember what the comment that she made was, um, had nothing to do with my dad. It was like just a catty thing between me and her. And I was like, I'm done. I can't do it. You know, I feel like there was a lot of arguing between her and I for that whole time period. So we left and I, I think I even was like, rent your own car. Like I want you to just sleep. But I didn't do that. I, she rode back with us. I did not speak to her the whole way back to, to Ohio. And I cut her off and did not talk to her for three whole months. And that was like, I mean, she still references that to this day that like, she's grateful for the time that she has with me because there was a time when I wouldn't speak to her and she didn't have updates on her grandkids and she didn't know what was going on with me and like she never wants to be there ever again and I hate that it had to come to that but I think I was just like I was at a point where I was like neither one of you are taking care of me yeah like I'm an adult and I don't need you to do anything for me but don't make my life harder and I think too it's like it becomes unfair when it starts holding you back right yeah and you it's important for you to be present for your husband your kids like yeah exactly like yeah you don't get those years back with your kids you know and yeah so in that three months when I cut my mom off my dad and her started talking again um and I was like very close with my dad like saying on top of what was going on obviously but like telling my dad you need to be very cautious you need to not get your hopes up like and I just kept like getting more angry with my mom I was just like I don't know where your head's at but I'm not gonna break the silence to find out like that's where I was at I'm stubborn in that way I think but I did need that time where like I kind of set some boundaries with my dad during that period and I needed that time to Like, you know, I was a young mom. I got married very young. Like, I'm also just trying to figure out what my identity is. Like, who am I? Like, I'm growing up raising kids, which is hard as it is. You know, we were starting businesses. When you're in a startup, that is not like, you know, we were making ends meet and, like, just trying to make the best of our life. And, like, I can't just ride this roller coaster all the time with my parents. Like I need to figure out myself too. Um, so, and then I also was grieving, you know, normalcy and my, you know, someone that was like a second dad to me, like that was very, that was very traumatic, that whole thing. and just trying to, like, move forward and be there for my best friend who had just lost her dad. It's just like, you know, I've got to set boundaries for, like, where I'm at. So it was probably maybe two months after that, my mom and dad were back together. Wow. Yeah. My mom kicked out her boyfriend. Stop. They got back together. Yeah. he moved back in they got to a place where they were like we're not going to we're gonna move on from the past my dad stayed sober from Rich's funeral he stayed sober that whole time so where I was like we are on a stretch here don't ruin things you know he really did stick it out and stay sober so when he moved back in with your mom did you feel any type of weight lift off your shoulder of like yeah okay yeah like like okay she can handle this now yeah like it was not like this is your problem now but it was kind of like it kind of gave you like a little bit of a break stability guys like i need yeah so the hair their wedding anniversary their original wedding anniversary was november 23rd so november 23rd they got remarried the same pastor remarried them Oh my gosh. Yes. Got remarried. And I mean, honestly, it's like, that is not the common story that you hear. No. When you're, you hear, you know, like people's parents get divorced. No, they got remarried. My dad stayed sober. My uncle had had reconstructive surgery to his shoulder. They eventually made peace with each other. Um, it was very hard for my uncle to forgive my dad, which is valid. Very hard thing. And my uncle was going through his own stuff. Like he had to have a kidney transplant. He, you know, was going through dialysis for a very long time. And, you know, adding all of that with his shoulder was not ideal. And my dad definitely owned that. And like, you know, I feel like he kind of went through and like, you know, not the cliche, like made amends, but he did make amends with everybody and kind of tried to like say, I'm not going to I don't want you just to believe me I'm going to show you that change in my life you know um so I I honestly had some struggles like adapting to the normalcy of it again it was like they just kind of went back to like this is life like yeah and I feel like we're happy people don't discuss that enough either like when you adapt to how he was after the accident for so long even though it was hard that was the normal for a while yeah and then it's like oh you guys are back and fine now and then it's like where does that leave you again because it isn't easy to just hop back into these different normalcies at all and I don't do well with change right most people don't God was like watch this like we're gonna you're gonna learn to adapt yeah So it was. It was like, and then I felt like after that, you know, I'm like trying to find my identity. And I, it was kind of like my parents got back together. My dad's sober. My mom's happy again. My dad's, like, he's the happiest he's ever been. He's like so grateful my mom took him back. And how was his physical health? He still struggled with his arm, you know. But could he walk and everything? Yeah, he could walk. It's incredible. Yeah, I know. back and neck broken but he could walk yeah so he's very lucky in that sense but but it was almost like they went like they went back to like we're gonna live a happy life we're gonna move on from where we were we're gonna focus on the future we're gonna take it one day at a time so dad can stay sober and I was over here like I don't know who I am I've been taking care of my parents and my kids and trying to be in my marriage. And it was like, I'm still holding on to like all this trauma and like guilt. And like, I don't know what to do with all that. So like I went back to counseling. I got diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Kind of went through some like ups and downs where like, my husband could like slam on the brakes sometimes and it would like take me back to slamming on the brakes and my dad you know flying past me like it was just like I was struggling a little bit and it was time for me to focus on myself and I had no idea how to do that because I had just been making sure just trying to make sure my dad was okay all the time and my mom was happy and like just going back and forth and I think I had just been in fight or flight for so long that like I didn't know what to do with myself like I legitimately did not know who I was and I mean there's also like a young mom like you have to give everything to your kids like that's kind of normal if you didn't have the whole situation with your parents you know it's hard to you you lose your identity as a mom that's a very common thing um and it's good because that means you're being a good mom but like you lose who you are and like you know I think I just got to a point where I was like I don't even know what I like to do yeah like I don't even know what I want to do with my life I'm not going to be a stay-at-home mom forever like what do I want to do what do I want my life to look like um so I feel like all, anything that would happen to me moving forward, I kind of had this narrative, like, I'm not good enough. I'm the reason that, you know, there are catastrophic mistakes. I'm not going to measure up to who I want to be. Um, you know, I'd look at people on social media end and be like, I'm not ever going to be that. Like I can't, I'm, that's not me. I'm not good enough. Like I had this narrative and I let that narrative like take over entirely. Um, I feel like I could go to counseling and like, kind of like skate my way through, but like deep down, I still had this, like, you know, I wrecked my whole family's life for so many years. That was my fault. And I would kind of just like move on to the next thing and like push that down. And if I could go back, I wish so badly that I would have just tackled that head on because I do feel like I carried that into every traumatic thing that happened to me moving forward. And unfortunately, that's life. Things are going to happen. we decided to have our third child and faced unexplained infertility they had no idea why I could not get pregnant with my oldest and my middle um I it was just a normal pregnancy I got pregnant it was everything was normal so now here we're trying again and it's not happening um and I just had that like narrative, like nothing happens for me. Like, this is just my life. Like, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I was doing the same thing my dad had been doing for those years. Like he just felt sorry for himself. Like everything was ruined. His life was a mess. So I ended up getting pregnant. Um, and I had, I feel like just everything was going so well like we had just bought a house that we were renovating my parents were traveling we had moved to Pennsylvania at that point my parents would travel up and it would just be like the best visits you know like I would hug my dad and just be like my dad like you know like I just remember feeling that so much like I still feel that when I like just like I have my dad like I almost didn have my dad And I think my parents had just left We were working on our house cause we wanted to get moved in before we had the baby. And I, um, realized that the baby wasn't moving and my husband thought I was being paranoid. My doctor thought I was being paranoid. Um, but they ended up having me come in the next day just to be sure so they could kind of ease my mind and they didn't find a heartbeat. I was at 23 weeks, almost 24 weeks. So I had to go deliver him. He looked just like his siblings. It was, you know, not something that you have ever prepared for. Like you don't get pregnant and be like, well, if I have a stillborn, these are the things I'm going to do. So you're kind of like blindsided in the hospital with like, okay, you need to pick a funeral home. Do you want pictures taken? Do you want, you know, all these things that you're like, I didn't even know this was a thing. Like, I didn't know I had to choose this. Um, so we had him cremated. I went into the darkest depression I've ever gone into. And I carried that same narrative of just like, this is it like nothing good happens to me there you know had been things in between those things that like I carried that narrative and I gained so much weight and when I say I lost myself I lost myself ended up getting pregnant again unexpectedly and was like the baby's due date was Christmas day, which was mind blowing to me. And I ended up losing that baby at 12 weeks. So I had to have a DNC. And I remember just being like, we went in for the ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. And there was no heartbeat. And I was just like, this is my life. Like what, like what what is happening like why do I feel like nothing can go right like and I carried that narrative like I just hard not to yeah like I just felt like not only was I inadequate but my body is now inadequate I can't even carry a baby like those are the things that like that's how I was talking to myself and that became my personality like I was a personal trainer at the time I quit my job was like I don't I don't want to go do anything I'm not I don't want to leave the house I gained even more weight ended up finding out that I had a blood clotting disorder only when I'm pregnant so I pretty much wrote that off and was like I'll never get pregnant again because I hate needles and I cannot give myself an injection in my stomach twice a day and that's how I would stay pregnant if I wanted to do that. Um, and then I got pregnant with Letty and I was like, I'm not like, I just can't do this again. Like there was no, it's like, it's not something that you can explain to someone entirely unless they felt like a loss and then got pregnant again, because it's like you want to be excited, but like that's ripped away from you because you've experienced what it feels like to have that excitement and then it just all goes away. Well, I think too it's a form of protecting yourself. Yes, it is. You don't want to get your hopes up. It's like you're protecting your emotions. Yeah, absolutely. So I was just like beside myself. I didn't even tell my husband I was pregnant. That's how, like, I was just, like, I remember, like, leaving the tests in the bathroom, and I went back to bed, and he got up to go to work, and he texted me and was like, are you pregnant? And I was like, yep. That's just how it was. It was like, we'll see. Yeah. That's what's happened. So I called my doctor, had to give myself injections. That needle's no joke. Not a fan of needles. I'll do tattoos all day long. Right. I'm the same way. Not, I cannot, yeah. Can't do injections. So that quickly changed. I feel like anxiety just overcame me. Like I was just like paralyzed every day and like still fighting for my identity in the same thing. Like I just never figured out like, who am I? And like, how do I move forward? I still just held on to so much stuff. Like, And I don't know, like even just going home, like to visit my parents, driving down the road or, you know, I don't know. Like there would just be like memories of like driving past my dad's old apartment or whatever. Like I can't explain to you the like sickness I would feel in my stomach. It was like I never healed from all of that. and then you like layer on things like holding your stillborn baby and like not fully healing from that I feel like I just like got to the point where I just wasn't doing any work I just was like disassociating from everything and my best friend is like the very opposite like she's like very like she'll cry every time we talk that's just normal like that's just her and I am like, oh, let's not cry. Nope. I'm like, I'm not going to cry. I'm, you know, and she would be like, sometimes I think you just need to cry. Like, I think you need to just like, let it out, hone into that, you know? But I just got into this point where like, I couldn't. So I had Letty successfully in 2023 and postpartum, I feel like hit me hard. And it wasn't until then, you know, all this time my dad's still sober okay and like we talk about it frequently like I'm always telling him how proud I am of him that like he has stayed sober this whole time and you know we've lost so many people in our family we've had a lot of things happen and my dad has like just been a rock through it all like and I just like I'm so proud of him for that and I feel like that with this postpartum was like kind of the first time I felt like my dad was like there for me it was like it was not a secret to anyone who knows me that I was like down I felt like I just I never figured out who I wanted to be here I'm raising my kids times just like flying by I have a teenager he's taller than me where did time go I don't know what I want to do I don't even know who I am um I can hardly talk about my stillborn son at this point like just I just was like not in a good place mentally and I hated myself and I just feel like there were so many years of like guilt and trauma and loss and I let that define who I was like I just fully let that like wash over me and that's who I was and it was affecting everyone around me at that point like I feel like up until then it wasn't but when I hit postpartum it was like my depression was affecting everything everybody. You never knew what was going to happen. Highs and lows. Like you never knew what mood I was going to be in. My kids were like, mom, you gotta like chill. Like just like they didn't have a happy mom for sure. And so I feel like 2024, I hit a breaking point and was like, it is time for me to like do the work and take charge of my life. So I did. I feel like I dove into so many things. I feel like 2024 was like the year of crying for me. It's like I dove into so much and was just like, like you get one life. I don't get these years back. I don't get these years back with my kids. What kind of mom are they going to grow up and remember? Like, who do I want them to look back and, like, remember me as? And that was, like, my motivation of, like, I don't want my kids to feel like they have to take care of me. I don't want them to feel like they have to heal from me and my issues that I didn't work through. So I really started to look at things, like, through the perspective of my kids. and I based so much of what happened to me around like the decision of my parents and I wanted to try to give my kids like the opposite of that like I just don't want them to feel like they have to navigate my trauma because I didn't do the work to heal from it you know so I feel like that whole end of the year into 2025, I started a GLP one because I was very overweight, very miserable in my body. It just like, wasn't even a thought to me. Like it was just like, I need help. Like I can't. Absolutely. Yeah. And so I started it through like a telehealth company. I wouldn't have gotten approved for my insurance. And I woke up one day after starting that, and I was like, I'm going to make a TikTok. And my husband was like, what? It was like, if you know me, like, that's just not me. And I was like, yeah, I feel like I've been through a bunch of things, and I feel like I could help somebody, like, that might be going through that. and I'm also starting a GLP one and I want to share that journey. So I did that. And literally, I can't even explain it to you. My whole life like completely changed. It felt like it was like overnight, but it just like, I met so many people that could relate to where I was as a mom, could relate to trying to heal from trauma as a mom, because you have to show up for your kids and be everything for your kids. And then by the time the day is gone, you're like, I had no time to even think about myself or what I wanted to do or what I needed to work through mentally today. I've met so many amazing people. I became a partner with a telehealth company. I lost 67 pounds so far. And my kids have a happy mom. My husband has a happy wife. and I feel like that is my like lesson with that and I've talked to my dad so much in depth about it and like we both feel the same way like he's done so much work emotionally um that like it really truly is up to you and like what you give power to and that is going to determine the course of your life. Whatever you're, the narrative that you're giving power to, the thoughts you're giving power to, things are going to happen to you, but they don't define you. Well, I think it's hard to, cause we're not really taught to, we're not taught how to change that narrative. You know, we're not given the skills. It's almost like you have to find that yourself, whether it is kind of through the help of therapy or, you know it's not an overnight thing right I think that you know and it's I feel like it's very easy to say like oh I need to find myself but that's not an easy thing to do it takes time it takes work and people sometimes aren't willing to put the work in and I think too you know it's totally normal and okay to go through not that we want to ever go through these sad or dark periods but I think it's it's totally fine to go through them but we have we can't sit in them like you have to be sometimes I think you have to go through those yeah you got to hit the low sometimes and but that is it like you can't sit there that's right like right you can't stay there like it's trauma is part of your story and it's gonna be like that's just life you're gonna experience things like that but you can't let it become who you are like that can't become your identity and you can't get too wrapped up in like this I think a lot of people get wrapped up in the thought of time, you know, and like, while yes, everything moves so fast, you know, life moves fast, but there is no right or wrong time to find ourselves or to work on ourselves. And I think that if we just live in the present moment and realize like, okay, this is where I am now. Yeah. And I'm finding and discovering myself now and I'm becoming the best version of myself now. Yeah. That's enough. You know, like we can't beat ourselves up about the past. Exactly. Because we won't move forward, you know? Yeah. I feel like when you let that narrative, like you let whatever it is that you've gone through become your identity, it's like a snowball effect and you don't even realize that it's happening. Yeah. And that is, that's, that's what my dad did. And he made that his identity. Yeah. Like that was his identity for so long that he wasted so many years. And I feel like, you know, like the hurt that was caused by the snowball effect of that could have been avoided. And then like I turned around. Thankfully, I didn't let it get that far. But like, you know, I saw how easy it is to fall into that by going through those things in my life, losing a baby and just like it is so easy to make excuses for your life because of the things that you've gone through. And like your trauma is real. It's valid. Like you need to like lean into it and heal from it and work for it and focus on it. Don't like disassociate from it. But you just can't let it become your identity. I think too, you know, in those moments of struggle and negativity and pain, that becomes a normal in that time. And like I mentioned, it does take work to get out of that and to better ourselves. And I think unless you're willing to own up to that and put in the work and be self-aware, it's going to be very, very difficult to pull yourself out of those situations. You know, especially when it does feel like one thing after another, after another is just knocking you down. I mean, like once again, we really aren't given the tools and taught, you know, on social media or in society how to get ourselves out of that. And once again, I always say, you know, as much as no one deserves these things to happen, the experiences, the traumas and everything we go through, it allows us to be more relatable. It allows us to understand others better and to have that sincerity and that empathy. And I mean, look at you now, like you never would have thought that you'd be helping others on social media. have shaped who I am. Yeah. And I feel like that has shaped who I'm raising and the way I'm raising them. And yeah, I just feel like you have to get uncomfortable. That's why it's so hard. We're not taught those things. Like you have to get uncomfortable to pull yourself out of that. And yeah, so I feel like, you know, I would not be where I am right now. I've made so many friends. I've traveled by myself. It's amazing. Trying to like just come into who I am here. And I'm, you know, I'm 32 now. And then like still just figuring it out. And that's fine. You're still so young. Yes. And yeah, I feel like that is like my one piece of advice for anybody listening is like whatever you've been through, don't let it define you. But I encourage you to like get uncomfortable. Do that thing that you have felt like is far out of reach or like you've always thought like maybe I could do that or I want to do that because you could change the whole course of your life. Do the work and like heal from the stuff that has happened to you and grow from it. Like let it shape you. Let it help other people. Let other people learn from it. because if you don't, your fears, your thoughts, your beliefs, they're going to hold you back, and you're just going to stay where you're at. And I feel like had I not done that, you know, my life looks drastically different than it did this time last year. And you're always growing. You're always learning new things. And you do such an amazing job of expressing yourself and your story, truly. Like you are, you're so good at it. Like it seems so natural to you. So easy for you to just share the different parts of it. Yeah. I feel like that's because I have like learned and I've grown from it. Like I have let it enter like positives. I've turned positives into it. And I don't mean that as like, you should have toxic positivity at all. Like don't let that hold you down. But like you can turn it into something that benefits you and others because we're supposed to learn from these things. That's what we're supposed to do. So that's what I've done is like I would have laughed so hard if somebody would have told me that I would be on social media. You're a content creator. Yes, that's what I'm like. It's so hard for me to say that because it just sounds funny. But a change in perspective and what you're giving power to determines what your life's going to look like. And I feel like the second I made that decision, and my dad would say the same thing, the second he made that decision, his life looks so different now. He's just, yeah, he's just thriving. He's thriving. He's still in pain. He still struggles from time to time. But, like, I feel like we both in our own time had to heal from those things. And we're both very different people, but still just as tight as we were. I know that that accident was not my fault. We've talked about that in depth, you know, like it was a freak accident was a thing, you know, and yeah, but yeah, that's what I'm doing now is trying to share that with other people that like, you just can get stuck in that for so many years. so many years you can get stuck in that and like having watched my dad just be in that there was no pulling him out like there just wasn't it's heartbreaking to watch somebody that you love go from one version of themselves to another right and you know they have so much potential yeah and yeah so I mean it's just like anyone who feels like they're there like you have potential you know like you have potential you can pull yourself out of that And yeah, I just feel like sharing that on social media, sharing my weight loss journey, I have like bared it all. My bare stomach. Yes. Like all of it. And I just want it to be relatable to somebody else. And it 100% is. There's not, I think now we're getting to a point where there's a lot more of it, but there's never enough. You know, there's never too much you can relate to. Like bring all the relatability and positivity. like there's never too much yeah yeah so no that's yeah I feel like I feel like I've learned a lot I feel like it's easy for me to tell that story now and my dad it it even is like a joke yeah it's not funny but it is we're both we both have a morbid sense of humor but you make light out of it somebody would like ask him where his scar came from they're like oh my gosh because I mean he's got like yeah all the way down and we would be together in a restaurant or something he still does it to this day my kids think it's hilarious like she hit me with a truck and nobody knows what to say and she ran over yeah and yeah so like you just have to like I don't know you know and and give grace because it's like Alex Warren's song first time on earth have you ever heard that it's it's literally talking about how like he forgives his parents because it's their first time on earth too. Yeah. I know I'm going to make mistakes. My parents are not perfect. They're not supposed to be perfect. It's their first time to figure out life too. So like you just can't hold things against people. Like they're just figuring it out. You got to have grace. You've got to be forgiving and like understand that like just the same as you're trying to navigate life and your decisions and the way you're feeling and your emotions and your trauma and you're trying to turn that into something, they are too. Yeah. You know, even though we feel like our parents should have it all figured out and they should take care of us and be like our, you know, they're just figuring it out too. This is their, they're getting old for the first time too. Like they're, you know, so I just feel like I have learned a lot from that and yeah, I'm just happy that I got to come and share it. Well, you did amazing. Thank you so much for choosing to do it on this platform. I'm so excited. I love it.