9.06 - Welcome to the S***!

Welcome back to Dum Dums and Dragons, where improvisers who've never roleplayed before journey into the world of Dungeons and Dragons. I am the Great Wizard Bortlesnorts, your host! Our heroes have completed their first therapy session. Gartok became Dr. Martok and was the therapist. Butthole was declared pretty well adjusted, and Quinny discovered he not only couldn't win therapy, but that he has a lot of work to do on himself. what will happen now that crendon arrived and promptly died find out next on dog dogs and dragons crendon has gone from being a teen wolf to a dead wolf uh the leader of crendon's commandos is a bloody wreck in the hallway of the the castle of asgard uh having rudely interrupted the end of your your group therapy session uh with his howls and his his cries that something was happening to the north now of course you do have a reviver god with you so death is really more of an inconvenience bam revivify great so he sits back up okay what's going on buddy i i died i died i died how i got you you brought me back yeah yeah you you died giving us a message what's the message you didn't die you're fine now what's happening in the north hang on i oh oh okay um there was a caravan it was attacked it took the commandos out but there's something by my lord there's something wrong the the enemies are stronger than they should be we were attacked by a giant bird and massive snakes and we we were trying to get the wounded back to asgard and and this this massive bird that kept attacking us. I left some of the commandos behind to battle it, but we had one scroll that allowed me to teleport back here. We must go back. Quickly. Yeah, yeah. You're pretty banged up, man. Should we let you rest and we'll go deal with this? He looks down and is like, Oh! Like, feels his face. Oh, yeah. Where's my eye? Don't worry. We'll deal with that later, but I might need the magic for something else right now. Okay, yes, yes, please. north of Asgard, slightly west, you'll find them. But also the caravan itself. Get the survivors first, but there are people pinned under some of the caravan wagons. There's a group of very serious bards who are warriors defending it, and they seem to be doing a fine job so far. Wait, they're pinned under it like they ran on top of them? Okay, I understand that this conversation is really nice. Is there anything else tactically we need to know? don't be fooled these things are stronger than they have any right to be got it summon the shit he's just running down the hallway shit alarm shit alarm i should have come up with a better system for this and and and and it starts like ringing a bell and not like other you know bells answer uh you know people will will answer and all of a sudden from the the top of the statue everybody if anybody's a shit head you gotta mount up and get your shit in order to go help save everybody. If you're not a member of shit, don't worry about it. It's just a normal day. Everything's pretty good here at Asgard. The time is the afternoon. Okay. Vodels is going down because we've got the horses, the shit, and we'll just fucking ride out. So you ride out. I'm going to say this is like a small unit at this point, ready to deploy. Yeah, I mean, the maximum size is like 20 people. It's not a catch-all army. You've got like six folks riding out with you, but as I said, They have, the forges have been busy, so they don't just have the shoulder pads anymore. They've got a bit of a chest plate. So now it looks like under a football or a hockey jersey level. So they've got a Mandalorian's worth of plate to protect them. But they're like, shit, reporting in, sir. We're moving. It's just straight up go and bolt for this. There's not much time other than like, it's bad up north. Caravan attacked. We got to go help. Big bird. Big snake. Much strong. bad. It occurs to me, I don't know what any of your mounts would be. What mounts would you have had? Butthole's plan was to finally get good horses while collecting back taxes, which I assume happened while he was away. It did. It did. So each of you now has a heroic mount you can leap up upon. What are your various horses? Butthole runs for a white horse. A white horse with brown spots. It speaks to him. Nice. It speaks to him religiously. Armored up, he's going to jump on it and look for a name tag. Is there a name tag on this horse? It sure is. What does it say? The name tag says... Butt fart. Butt ho, butt fart. Stir, stir. Oh, no. Perfect. Goblin Jr., hop on. A little side saddle. Goblin Jr. can hop in and sit. Wait, up behind you, like a baby on a bicycle, or out to the side, like a sidecar? Out to the side, like a sidecar. It's to his right, so he's got Goblin Jr. riding in a sidecar. Okay, amazing. How about the two of you? I assume they're not all butt farts. No, no, no. As Gar talks like racing towards, he's like, oh no, I need to call out to speak with animals. Light of the moon? I don't know. Agents, help me! Speak with animals! Throws up oak leaves. Runs out, yells the wrong spell, disintegrates his horse. And just will run for one. And it's like he would be drawn to like if there's like an albino one and it's like moss-like. Sure. Hey, what's your name? As he's like scrambling up. What is their name? This is your mount, so you get to name them just like in a video game. I know, but it takes me like... No, so you have to do what I did, which is make an immediate choice you regret forever. You regret it already? Oh, of course. I can come up with ten more clever things, but I'm committed to butt fart. Oh, God. The name is Hi-Ho. Hi-ho, hi-ho. Oh, what? It's off to war. We go. What? Sorry? Hi. Hi. Hi, I'm Gartok. Hi, I'm hi-ho. Hi, hi-ho. I'm going to be riding you today, if that's okay. We're going to go save people from, I don't know, big bird, giant snake. You good? Yeah, I think I could beat up a bird and a snake, maybe. Yeah. How big are we talking? You just got to get me there, and then you can hide and be safe. Oh, no, I am your royal mount. I'll assist you however I can. Okay, but there's no obligation. No, I know I'd like to. Hi-ho, hi-ho. Yeah, you already get it. And, you know, quickly the stable keepers, like, throw on a, because you can levitate the chair, so you can probably get up there, but it's almost more like a palaquin, like it clicks in. Yeah, yeah, amazing. So you don't need to dismount and then get in the chair. I figure if we can have a wolf side cart, presumably they've also, like, figured out ways to accommodate the chair. So they slap it on and he says, I'm ready. And they lock you in. Amazing. Odd word. How about you, Quinny? You said that they were like royal mounts or heroic mounts. Does that mean that they don't have to be horses? It depends what you want. Maybe a little export from exotic chilt? Maybe a raptor? I've raced on one before. Well, if these are questions, then I may answer questions about my horse. No, no. You're very good at making a quick decision and regretting it. We've established that. Butthole did ask about a wyvern previously. I will point out. Yeah, when you're looking around at horses with some amount of dismay and then you, the stable keepers say, oh, Minister of Culture? Yep. Right this way. And they lead you a little ways away to a massive Jurassic Park style cage. A spooky lady dropped this off for you a while back. Oh. Rad. And inside there's a raptor with a bow on it. Beautiful. It's trying to get, but its arms are too small. Oh, yeah, I'll get that. No, no, it's okay. I can't talk to you anymore. Raptors have small arms? No. They don't have big arms. They've got functional arms. They can open doors. They're not T-Rexes. T-Rexes have little T-Rexes. Well, in fact, if your Raptors are very small, those were Dionysus, they just didn't like the names, they called them Raptors. But let's not get mired in dino detail. The important thing is the Raptor couldn't get the bow. This one has small arms, even though the rest of them don't. Okay. I was like, whoa, whoa, hey, hey. You got a bad raptor. You're going to have to... There's no such thing. Rad raptor. And I'm going to see if I can undo the bow for this creature. Great. It sniffs at you. Licks its, like, does the big raptor grin and, like, licks its maw. But it sniffs again. It does, like, a... All right. And he goes... Okay, yeah. And then I'll undo the bow for it. Is it already saddled and everything? No. They have not been. They've been throwing food through the grate. Butthole left so long ago. This is an emergency. I thought these were ready to go, but this might be a next time thing. The disabled people just throw you a saddle. It doesn't seem to mind you. When the lady dropped it off, it looked like an undershirt or something, and it's been smelling it every so often. That's where that went. Okay. Here. and I'll try and very carefully, because I can't talk to this thing anymore, can't talk to animals, put the saddle on. Yeah, it kind of like cozies in and goes, okay, fastening, cinching, climbing up, and like, okay, let's go. And I just hang on. And it just like runs straight out, and you know, like anytime the raptors are running, Jurassic Park just slams immediately into a wall, throws you up against it, skitters off the wall, and then it's just Trot running after Buttfart, the didn't ask enough questions horse, and let's not pretend this is my fault. This is like a bright orange raptor with stripes of brown, and its name will be Saffron. Great. Just a majestic military unit followed by a child riding an ostrich. Don't get too close to the ostrich, though. always how it was going to be. Amazing. So you take off. The shit flows freely from Asgard towards the danger. So as you ride, you've got your armored troops behind you. Yeah, Butthole gives him pretty clear commands. He just wants them to focus on getting civilians out of there. He doesn't actually need them to engage the enemy. It seems like something that's more our speed if Crandon had trouble. It's just get people out of the caravans, get them moving. We can't do both at the same time, so the shit can do the support action. Great. So your point man is a paladin who rides up alongside you and says, King Butthole, it is a pleasure to meet you. I'm Gilman IV, or Gilman the Gallant, whichever you prefer. Gilman's fine. Paladin of Illmatter. Okie dokie. I will be taking charge of the members of Is it actually shit sir It is the shit That is the name that has been chosen Very well sir I shall be taking charge of the members of shit supporting us today. It is my oath to prevent suffering in any form. So if you are asking us to remove the injured from the battlefield, it will be my honor to do so. Okay, excellent. Yep, that's what we need all of you to do. Apparently there's people stuck under caravans. There's other stuff that's just been going on. We got to get the civilians out. There's a group that seems to be holding off. I'm not sure. We got a quick report from Crandon. He was heavily injured. It's good to have hammers with us. Yes, sir. I've recently joined, having recently come to Asgard, and it is an honor to bring my weapons to your side. I do have a question, though. Must we all use hammers? Well, I mean, it's traditionally the hammers, which is why we've had people taught how to use hammers. So, kind of, yeah. I see. If you're not an expert in hammers yet, use your own stuff for now. We'll sort out hammers over time. very good I shall try yes do you not like hammers? Is there a problem? well he's wearing like a big heavy plate and he's got like a spear and a great sword and a shield it's not really my forte but I understand swing a sword, swing a hammer well there's more to it than that but right now use your spear and sword that's pretty great, you got your stuff now yes, thank you I was told by Mr. Crendon that anyone could bring their unique skills to the assistance of Asgard, and that is what I'm here to do. Fabulous. We love unique skills. Excellent. I shall protect the innocent, and I shall ensure that no suffering comes to them. Also, sir, I should mention, I tend not to kill unless it's a last resort. It's an ill matter of things. That could be a problem for you. Unless it becomes one. I mean, we try to avoid that too. We like surrendering. There's just a bunch of thundering horses underneath it. It's a long ride. There's time to talk. What else are you doing? I'm just talking over horses. Yeah, no, that's good. We like when people surrender generally. That works better for us so we can rehabilitate them. But if we got to do the job, we got to do the job, you know? Understood, sir. So where are you from? What's your life been like? Oh. Yeah, I don't really know you, and I feel like I should. Well, that is... I'm honored, sir. I didn't expect the king of a nation to ask such questions. Well, you're in the shit now. Ah, I see. Yes, in the shit. Yes, very good. Yes, I'm carrying on the legacy of my father and my family. We've served Illmatter for some time. Illmatter? Is that a place? No, he's the incarnation of compassion. Oh, cool. Yes, so I believe in protecting the innocent and reducing harm where I can, but also I'd rather defeat my foes elegantly. Prevent suffering to them, suffering of any sort. Like with a cool dance move, or what do you mean by elegantly? Well, I mean, I'd rather disarm them and incapacitate them. I don't know if you've seen the stage play of the Batman, but like that. Yeah, I've seen some of it. It seems like a forsaken knockoff, but it's okay. Yes, yes, you know, the Forsaken I know of this character, he's the one who murders everyone I disagree You're the opposite of him, yeah Yes, quite Yeah, that's good, we're going to fight a giant bird that's killing people I don't know if we're going to be able to take it hostage I understand, if it is a beast that is killing and maiming Then perhaps it must be put down Okay, that works for me So, okay, so you got ill matter How's your dad doing? He does like three things Oh Oh, was that a hot button thing? Perhaps you've heard of my father. He was the one-eyed knight. Gilman, the one-eyed knight? The one-eyed knight? Gilman? Yeah, I might have heard of him. The third. I don't know a lot of details, so maybe fill me in. Oh, he was a true hero. And I seek to live up to his legacy as best I can. These are dark times. This is a dark world. Well, not an ass guard, but yeah. It's just the thundering of hooves around you, and beside you, you hear Gartag be like, Nay? Nay? Nay? Right, animal, e-speech, right. Your friend, the goblin, seems to disagree with my assessment as well, saying nay. Oh, no, he's doing horse talk. Indeed, indeed. Well, the only way I've found redemption is in service of ill matter, and trying to bring a bit of compassion to this dark world, and that is what I seek to do. It is what my father did in his life, and I will live up to that or die trying. In your service, or another equally virtuous person's. But when I heard the name Asgard, I had to see it for myself. Well, we're glad you're here. If you're looking to get like a statue of Illmatterbilt or something, you just got to talk to Farthole Farts down at the Church of Rediscovered Hope. It looks like a giant X, but it is not named X. That is wise. I've heard legends of a man in the woods. Yeah, that guy's a real problem. keeps making things worse. Get caught up in some sort of machine that'll help him chop down trees and then another one that shoots fire. Indeed. Nobody uses them, but he really made a thing out of them for a bit. Fart hole fart. I shall speak to him and ensure that Illmatter is represented there. I obviously can't speak for the god, but I think a little bit more hope could go a long way in these dark times. I agree. So of the other five, anybody cool? We've all just met. Do you want me to go ask them their details and come back and report? Yeah, why not? let's make sure everybody knows each other. All right. Do you know what? Why don't you have him come up one at a time? Falls back and then a fucking icebreaker games while we're galloping into a rescue. A horse gallops alongside you with, and I should just preface this by saying I find jockeys hilarious. Just everything about them is the best. So a little gnome comes up riding like a jockey. He's got his feet up on the saddle, hands down. He's got like a reddish beard trimmed short, kind of like a little curly orange hair, bandana tied back. And you notice that he's not carrying any weapons because he is the weapon. He's got no sleeves. His shirt is undone. He's got a tasteful amount of chest hair. He's wearing jeans. Jeans. And a little pair of sensible shoes. And as he's riding, he just like takes a beer out, cracks it and pours it over his head and throws the can away. Hello, new friend. Hello. Sensible shoes. Does that beer thing have a meaning for your people? No, I'm just getting psyched up. Okay. So am I. He takes his refillable beer stein and pours it over his own head. Then he puts it back in his bag. He doesn't want to lose that. That's hardcore, sir. Glad to see it. So are you. What's your name? Chuck Gnomish. Nice to meet you, Chuck Gnomish. Welcome to the shit. Thank you. Thank you. Where I come from. I eat shit for breakfast Shit like our enemies Not actual shit That would suck Yeah, great That's cool as hell Hey, I heard you're a god Yeah, that's true I'm a king and a god Not at the same time What do they say about me? The other gods The other gods? Did you get it? Just a second Snap prayer Chomp beard No Boobs You know what? They don't talk about you much but I think we're going to work on that. You know why? Why? Because they're scared of Chuck Gnomish. Listen, I've been a ranger in various parts around the world. Usually I walk. I'm kind of a walker ranger. But these days, I remember the shit, I guess. I figured I'd find more adventure working for a god king than just wandering around getting into shenanigans. That's great. I do want to be clear that I'm a king and a god. I am not a god king because this is not a theocracy. I had a lot of discussions with my hand about it. You talk to your hand? Lost enemies talk to my fists. Wow. That's cool. My hand's a person. It's a title. Is that true of all gods? Their hands are people? If so, I got to get working on mine. Hang on, you got a pen? I mean, I do. He gives him the pen. You got to roll a deck save, see if he gets it. Shit, sorry. Oh, God. You got another one? Yeah, I do. Thanks for calling me God. and he throws him another pen. Not one. Oh, my eye! Okay, well, you know what? You can keep that one. Yep, hang on. He just crunches it with his incredibly strong eyelids until he falls away. Okay. Oh, I need one more pen. Okay, here you go. It's a two. You know what? Take a quill. Hey, stop throwing pens back here. Thank you. Roll a 15. The quill is like flowing in the wind And he just draws a shaky, angry face on his hand. They're galloping! How about this one? Looks great, Chuck. I'm going to have to talk to some other people. Okay, listen, who are we killing? Oh, there's a giant bird and a giant snake or something. But right now I need you to use your awesome power and your sweet smiley face hand to save people who are stuck under collapsed carts or whatever. I'll save them with my fists. Whatever part of you you need to use. I'll punch them back into health. Please don't do that. Sorry, my hand says I must. And he falls back. I don't know how long he's going to be in the unit. Chuck Nomish in jeans and sensible shoes. Like New Balance? We don't have those in Asgard. No, we have jeans. Regular balance. We have jeans. Denim is one of our imports. Oh, okay. We get that from Cormier. It's part of our levy. Levy's jeans. Okay. Oh, God. One point of inspiration to ride. Oh, my gosh. All right. Another rider rides up along side you. He's got sort of like tan skin, short salt and pepper hair. You know, he's got some scars on his hands. He's got like a scar under his eye. But the most notable thing about him is that he has an abyssal chicken on his shoulder. So he kind of rides up. Like a self-cooking chicken? Like a demon chicken? Yeah, like a little abyssal chicken. I just wanted to make sure I understood what I was picturing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm picturing a demonic chicken. Yeah, so the abyssal chicken is, it's like, we saw these in hell, but it's like a giant, horrible split tail. Like, the whole thing looks like an apostrophe. Like, it's got a big, horrible mouth full of teeth and like a long tongue, giant legs with chicken feet, and then like a weird, horrible split tail situation. If you all want to see what it looks like. It looks like that. Oh, God. Okay. It's very chicken by way of Giger. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. If Giger was like, how would I make a terminate into a chicken? He's like, this. So this guy rides up. Well, sorry there. Sir, I didn't mean to be scared. It wasn't you. Just seeing your friend for the first time. What, Raven? Yep. Yeah nothing to fear about Raven Raven works for me and I work for you And that means you are plenty safe around this sweet little guy And he like pets the thing and it deeply unsettling to watch It like Split Tails quiver Oh, cool. Okay, well, hello, new friend. I'm, you know, King Bunthole Forge. Welcome to the shit. Thank you, thank you. Look, I've been looking for a unit to join up with for some time. I got driven out of my last one for insisting that orcs and pigs are two separate things, and the threat the pigs had was much greater than the one the orcs had. I'm sorry, you think orcs and pigs are the same thing? No, my unit did, and they kicked me out. They labeled me a heretic for telling them they were two separate things back in the pig-orc wars. They thought pigs and orcs were the same thing, and you thought they were two separate things. Yeah, and the pigs were the greater threat, which proved true when those pigs killed and ate my unit. Orcs are all right. I got no problem with orcs. Pigs? Mean motherfuckers. Okay, what does a pig look like? I haven't seen a lot of pigs recently. Can you describe a pig to me? Well, it's like normal pigs who are, you know, like adorable and small. They're adorable like my pet Raven here, you know, just a sweet pink little guy. So, you know, the curly tail. Okay, yeah, that's a pig. That checks out. Yeah. Well, these pigs were like big and they had like, he like takes his hands off the rainbow. Oh, shit. Hang on. All right. They had tusks, big angry snoots, foul mouths. and they wielded axes and swords. Oh, and your unit was saying those were orcs and the others were pigs, and you were saying all pigs. Well, it just bothered me a lot that they were making that connection. Also, they were under danger of being killed by the pigs who were at war with the orcs, and we were right in the middle, just stuck between the two, you know, between a pork and a hard place. Anyway, name's Heretocles T. Sherpa, and this here's Raven, my pet chicken. Okay, do you have a problem with pigs or orcs? I mean, I had a problem with those pigs that were trying to kill us. The pig monsters. Yes, but let's say we have pig monsters show up in Asgard who are just being citizens. I hope not. Okay, then I got a problem with it. Are they trying to kill you? Then I got a problem with it. All right, that checks out with me. All right, so you got your pig orc wars. Your name's Hereticallus. You got, let's say, three more interesting facts I can find out about you? Oh, my God. I mean This is what happens when none of his other companions Are in conversations This bottle's just curious Gartok's focused on his horse buddy I know You know, this seems like an inappropriate Talking about it, sir I mean, what do you want to know? I don't know, man You got any important relationships in your life? Oh, I see, this is bonding So you understand who's under your command Absolutely, that's it I tell you, this is what my old unit needed Look, sir, I'm going to be honest with you. I've had a hard luck of love. Hard run of love. Hard luck run of love. You're hard up for love luck. I get it. I am. It's been a bad road. I've been gaslit. I've been catfished. I've been generally screwed over, sir, if I'm being blunt. And so I went in search of something new, and I found a unit who was going to go in and try and make a difference in the pig orc wars. and then I got labeled a heretic and I made it part of my name, part of who I am. And then me and Raven have just been looking for purpose ever since. Listen, you need me to kill that gnome? I heard you yelling that you were worried he was going to punch people to death. No, no, no, no. We do not kill other members of the ship. You're in the same unit now. I understand you may have been gaslit or cheated on by previous units. Yeah, it's really giving me some trust. You may have been left by, yeah, but you've got to trust that this unit is something possible. Because here's the thing, If you let bad experiences with previous units carry forwards, you're never going to find your forever unit. Wait, are you saying love can bloom on a battlefield? Love can bloom anywhere. Well, all right. You truly are a god king. Hey, listen. I'm a king and a god. I appreciate this greatly. I look forward to continuing these conversations. Also, if you ever want to spar, I'm okay dying if you can bring me back. You know, you've got to bash someone around. You've got to test out the big stuff. I'm hearty that way. I've been on the verge of death a bunch of times. I'll come back. All I'm going to say to you is you should probably show a little more respect for yourself and then maybe your units will treat you better in the future. No one should be killing you for sport just because they're stressed. I just wanted to help you train, sir. And that's why you're in the shit. You're a good dude. You're a good dude, Heretic Elise. You hear that, Raven? We're a pair of good dudes. We're going to be alright. That's right, Raven 2. Okay, let's get the next one. And he trots back in. Quinny, they're all pretty fun! They have big personalities in different histories. Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'm going to love that. And then the final writer, who has a name, rides up, and there's a mishmashed clanking of pots and pans. And he comes up, and he says, Wow, an audience with the king? Me? Oh, boy, everything's coming up. Kevin! Sir! Hello! I'm Kevin! Hi, Kevin! Sir Kevin the Gauche! That name seems... Wow. It's a good thing. It means a good thing. Does it? Yeah, gauche. Let me confirm that. Quinny, is gauche a good thing? I don't know. All right. Well, then let me do a quick snap prayer. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, it's great. Yeah. It's a gauche. What a compliment. It's great. And he slips and he swings under his horse for a minute on the saddle. And he climbs back. Sorry, sir. That's the fourth time that's happened today. what a gauche thing to do am i right exactly i'm pretty sure your saddle's on wrong what don't worry about it no it's under me i think it's good so what's what's your deal kevin what brought you here well you know i'm very gauche or badass you know uh and i i read some books about being a knight and then i heard about a kingdom and i was like kings need knights so you know i strapped on my family's armor uh long long history of of uh you know heroics in my family It looks like you're wearing a lot of pots, Kevin. Yeah, well, I looked at the pictures of the Knights, and I found the thing that looked closest. And I was like, pretty good. And look how well they fit. And it's literally just like a scarecrow wearing, like, this is not a little Pim Pim-like. They're somehow fitted to him. It's just clanging around. Anyway, and then this pot falls over his head, pulls it back. I'm like, whoa, that's good. That shields my face every so often. Anyway, I came here, and then I met the Prinks, and she's awesome. And I've decided to dedicate my life to keeping her safe and, you know, earning her approval. I hope one day she'll acknowledge me. I don't like that. Okay. Huh? Well, I mean, that's... That gauche guy over there said something under his breath. Yep, he sure is gauche. So, Kevin, to be clear, you took some pots and pans from home and then came to join the army? Armor, yes. Okay, great. Kevin, it's great to meet you. I just need to talk to Gilman again. Can you go back there and send Gilman up? Sure. Which one's he? Is he the little guy or the one with the nightmare on his shoulder? The other one. Okay. I met the king! Gilman comes riding back up. Sir. Hi, Gilman. Okay, so I don't think Kevin should be in this unit. He seems tremendously unqualified. He's never been in battle and he's wearing pots and pans. We can get him back and we'll assign him as just like a bodyguard or something to help out with the pranks because that's his focus anyways. I need you to make sure Kevin doesn't die today. Yes, of course. I can protect it. Kevin is the pots and pans man? Yeah, the pots and pans one who thinks gauche is a compliment, because it definitely is. Sir, respectfully, not to disagree with you, he's not a member of the unit. His horse just met ours as we were riding out. You were having a conversation with your folks. He saw us leaving, and I think you might have been waiting. Oh, that's why there are seven shits now, and we were supposed to only take six shits. Okay, good. Please make sure he stays alive. I'm very glad he's not in the shit. Yes, sir. Very good. You want to meet the other three? Two? Three? Yeah, of course. Great. Whoever you got. But seriously, keep an eye on Kevin. I'm worried about him. I'll do my best, sir. He seems like a worthy cause, and that he is innocent and foolish. Yes. Please make sure his strongest pot is protecting his head. Oh, my God. So I've done some cooking in my time, and I can tell you none of those pots are particularly strong. Uh-oh. Next up, there's just a mean-looking motherfucker who is just wearing the least amount of armor he can and has dual long hammers strapped to his back. Nice hammers! All right, so I'm King Butthole Farts. Welcome to the ship. Yes, sir. I'm Grok Bockwurst, and I'm from Akash. Sorry, Asgard. I'm well aware of you and what you've done. You're incredible. I can't wait to hammer some skulls for you, sir. Great. Well, today I think it's a giant snake and a giant bird. They have skulls. I can't speak to that, but I assume so. Okay. If they don't, what do I hammer, sir? Well, you're going to help people is what you're going to do because you guys are going to focus on carrying people out of the caravans and making sure that they're safe. Oh, man. Oh, man. Okay. Maybe next time. Do you not like that? What's the deal? I thought I'd be hammering skulls for you, sir. Instead of just carrying sick people. You're going to protect skulls. Do that at home. What's your home life like, soldier? Oh, it's fine, but sometimes people get sick. I came out here to fight. Okay, well, here's the thing. You come out here, you help people, it may involve combat, and then when we get home, I'll go look at your sick family or whatever. No, they're fine now. They had a cold a couple weeks ago. Oh, okay. Okay, that's nice then. But if they get sick again, I can help you out. If anyone tries to hurt the sick people, I can hammer them. If there's bad guys trying to hurt people, you can help by hammering. Fuck yeah, sir. I heard there's a diamond here, and old Grok wants in. I want to make my way up the ranks until I'm the top hammer guy. Next to you, of course, my lord. And, of course, your lord wolf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be clear. You're already in the shit. It's a pretty excellent team. Okay, but, like, is there a better one? You know what? Maybe we'll have to make one if you do real good. Oh, yeah! And he rides back. At first, I was like, why were there only six of them? I thought it was a whole month. They could pick 20 guys, but I'm kind of glad there's only six. Yeah, me too. Alright, who's next? What in the East-West Bowl are these names? Sergeant Droogle reporting for fighting, sir. Well, glad to have you, Droogle. I'm King Butthole Farch. Welcome to the shit. Thank you, thank you. I understand we're on a rescue mission today, sir. That is correct. Amazing. May I ask, how many are we allowed to lose before it's considered a failure, sir? I would prefer we keep this number as close to zero as possible. Oh, wow. Okay, okay, great, great. I just don't want it to be negative on my reports, sir, if any of them die. I'm a high achiever. Well, then do a good job. Soldier, what's your backstory? You seem like a heck of a guy Well sir my family always wanted to serve in the army of a cop but we weren hardy or strong enough But luckily it seems the conditions to join have kind of fallen a bit So I was able to join up. My family's been so eager to fight that my given name is Sergeant. It's not a rank. Okay. Whoa. Yeah. Anyway, I got really good with hammers because we didn't have any swords. So this was a natural fit for me. I'm told I'm in the top percentile of ranged hammer tossing and in the upper middle class of hammering. Okay, so you have some combat experience. Per se. I have trained very hard under Commander Crandon, and he said I show a lot of potential. That's great. That's great. All right. Thank you. Can you send Gilman forwards again? Sir, is that the one with the scary thing on his shoulder or the one who is just muttering murder, murder, murder under his breath? No, the one I talked to first. He talks about Illmatter a lot? I wasn't really paying attention, sir. I was looking at the weird dinosaur. It's that guy. Okay. Sir, I'm happy to report that Kevin is under no danger as of yet. That's excellent. I'm going to add Sergeant Droogle to your list of problems. You seem the most capable of everybody I've met, And Droogle kind of is very excited about his ability to throw hammers, and he rated his general hammering ability as like above middle, which sounds like he may have done high school track. I really need you to be sure that he does not die. He might not be meant for the shit. Okay, well, I understand, sir. So both Kevin and Sergeant Droogle, you understand, sir, that we all swore an oath. And if Sergeant Droogle, I mean, Kevin didn't because he wasn't here. Yeah, Kevin just followed us. Sorry, sir, Kevin. Wait, is he a knight? I can't speak to that. Fair enough, sir. But Sergeant Droogle made the same oath the rest of us did. He would lay down his life for you, sir, throwing his tiny hammers to the best of his high school ability. I understand. What I'm saying is I would like him to do that and also not die. So please, let's put him under your command. You seem very capable. Clearly, you've done a lot. But just keep an eye out for Sergeant Droogle. Sir, I was a little confused as to why I was put at the head of this unit. I think I understand now. Yeah, you seem like the most capable. Prove me right in that assumption. As someone who always seeks redemption, speaking my language. And then Chuck Nolwish rides up again and says, I hear a lot of talking going on without Chuck. What's going on, sir? Are you giving special orders? You're doing great, Chuck. Have I talked to everybody yet? Let's see. One, two, three, four. I think there's one more. There's 70. Okay, Chuck, I got one more guy I got to talk to. All right. Okay. Next up, there is a massive hulking figure wearing a heavy metal helmet. You can't quite see him to wear a big cloak. And just has a big war hammer across their lap. Nice hammer. Thank you, sir. So I'm King Butthole. I know. It is an honor, sir. Okay, and who are you? Because I don't know. But it is an honor, sir. My name is Mitch Pigglesworth. Nice to meet you, Mitch. Thank you, sir. Nice to meet you as well. You've got a distinctive style, Mitch. What's your story? I'm very scared of getting hit by weapons, so I wear very large armor and swing a very large slow hammer. Okay. But I'm very good with it, and I hurt. The heavy armor is heavy, so I had to become strong. And the hammer weighs a lot, so I had to become strong. But I have been told that if I keep the hammer between me and opponents, I will not get hit, and thus will avoid my greatest fear. okay what's your family life like bitch uh they're good most of them served in in various armies and were killed horribly which is why i like the armor so much i've made my armor from all of their armors and my hammer i got at the commissary they gave me the hammer the armor that i wear my family's trauma upon me a shield against the world well i mean we all kind of do that don't we mitch Well I realize that Nobody ever really escapes their parents, Mitch I certainly don't Sir, may I ask Is this mission worth dying over? Wouldn't call for the shit if it wasn't Okay I assumed being in a unit like this would mean I would be surrounded by heroes, the likes of which could keep me safe and from being wounded and hurt That's a really bad call, Mitch. You might want to leave the shit And if you're joining the shit to be safe, this is going to be nothing but the deadliest missions you could possibly go on every time. Permission to wet my armor, sir. You have that permission. I already did it. Do you want permission to return to Asgard and we can find you a different duty? I swore an oath, sir. I understand, but I have the power to release you from that oath. And you can still serve the nation without having to be in the shit. That's very kind of you, sir. But no, I must do this. I must overcome my fear of death by causing death. Again, we're trying to save people from a caravan. I don't know why everybody's determined we're going to kill everything. There's a big bird and a big snake that are very strong and a bunch of people trapped under carts. You're on carts. I can lift carts. They're just larger hammers. That's a nice way of thinking, actually, and that kind of speaks to me. Yes, I shall become a cart lifter. No longer a weapon of war, but a weapon of assistance. He throws his hammer. No, don't. Stop throwing hammers back here. Mitch Chuck Nobles just rides up with the hammer in his teeth You dropped something Spits it into his hands Mitch you gotta keep that cause you might have to fight Cause remember the big bird and the big snake I see yes Again you're in the shit so there's gonna be a lot of combat Okay I can do this I will do this for my family Okay great Go talk and Quinny if I can bore you guys for a second Nay Are you okay Yeah, I'm just talking to Hi-Ho here. Oh, I thought you were refusing to join me. No, what? No, I was talking horse. Quinny? I'm here. I'm coming. I'm pulling up. Hello. Everybody else is coming. And me too, says Kevin riding alongside you. No, Kevin. Back. Back, Kevin. Back to the rest. Okay, guys, we got to go back. Nope, go back to Gilman. You're not in charge. Yeah, come back with Gilman. We got to go. Yep, stick with Gilman. Okay, then we get enough space. I'm like, all right, so it seems like of the shit, I am deeply concerned about Grennan's hiring practices. Yeah, it seems like three out of the six. Well, seven, I guess. Kevin's just a guy. He just followed us at the gate. That stuff can't be allowed going forward. Please tell me that the guy who just followed us was the one who fell under his horse. That's the one that fell under his horse. Oh, my good, geez. Yeah, the guy wearing pots and pans is not even shit. Yeah, yeah. Of the others, I'd say three seem pretty solid. And there are several that I am worried about because one of them thought this would be a safer unit to be in than the General Hammers. What? Yeah. So we're going to keep them on caravan duty, and we're going to fight the giant snake and bird. I think there may be something piloting the snake and bird. So, Quinny, if you can keep an eye out for that. Sure, yeah. I think something may have made them bigger. Like an evil druid or a wizard or something like that. You guys know I don't have magic anymore, right? Well, yeah, but you're, like, insightful and sneaky, and you're good at murder. So, like, I'm actually—you have the same skill set. You're just as good without magic, buddy. Oh, I know. It's just—yeah, all right, all right. Fine. Are you okay to keep an eye for something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I can have Gilman look after you. He's already helping Droogle. No, I don't want to be anywhere near most of those guys. Yeah, Mitch Pigglesworth or whatever his name is. He's troubled. It is Mitch Pigglesworth. I can't believe I got that one right. I know, I know too. I'm not good with names. That one stuck. All right, you ready to fight? Bird Snake and with our team of people I definitely learned the name of and thus are very important to all of us. Yeah, it feels like we're bringing more hostages to a hostage situation. You know what I mean? Like we're just supplying citizens to some angry beasts. All right, then, Quinny, you can tell Kevin he's got to go back. Kevin. Yes, sir. Why don't you get the fuck out of here, Kevin? Good one, sir. I'm not kidding. No, that's a good one. This is Saffron. Saffron is going to eat your face off if you don't leave. Not if I ride at a distance, but that's pretty gauche of you, sir. Get the fuck out of here, Kevin. I'm not joking. Classic Quinny. Kevin, take an order Yes sir, what do you need? Get out of here, go back No I can't, my oath won't allow me I'm a knight What oath did you swear Kevin? To serve the crown When did you take that oath? Oh like a few days ago when I met the pranks, she's awesome The pranks is my god Oh you want me to go back and protect her? Because that's the other place I'll go If you want me to leave here, I will go and personally ensure that she is safe at all times Go protect the pranks on the back of a raptor has to take out a quill and a piece of paper and be like, what's the sitch? 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