#758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

Please stand here with a gap. Another morning, another reminder there's a gap to be careful of. But maybe it's time to bridge the one between your nine to five and your dream of living life on your own terms. At HSBC, we know ambition looks different to everyone, whether it's retiring early or leaving more for your family. We can help, because when it comes to unlocking your money's potential, we know wealth. Search HSBC wealth today, HSBC UK, opening up a world of opportunity, HSBC UK current account holders only. I'm Craig Melvin. Cheers, cheers, cheers. I've always been a glass half full kind of guy. And now I'm talking to some people who look at the world that way too. Some really fascinating folks who share their defining moments, their triumphs, challenges, their stories, their funny and my candid. So I hope you'll join me each week and who knows. You might just come away with your own glass half full. Search Glass Half full with Craig Melvin from today on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the golden pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBan, coming alive from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas. For brand new episode of Killtony, get up for TonyHingeCliff. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yay! Thanks for having me right there, ladies and gentlemen. And now this is the best standband and all the land. How about a hand for them, huh? They've been playing music for you in the live music capital of the world. This is Killtony, brought to you by Bluetooth, talk space, and shop by how we fucking feel in a night, huh? Feels good in here. For the show, get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week, I take the two best comedians that I could possibly find and I put them together here on this show this week, no different. The return of two of the wildest panelists in the history of the show. How many, how many of you consider yourselves diehard Killtony fans? Well, you're in births tree, as I present to you two of the hardest working, most working stand-up comedians in the world today and two legends of the Killtony panel. This is Donnell Rawlings and Trevor Wall. There he is. Donnell, Trevor. Donnell, you're next to me. I always keep Donnell next to me because he gets out of control. It's harder to walk off the show if you're sitting next to me. Donnell, famous for the number one meltdown in Killtony history according to many YouTube videos. And the words of Nina Simone, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. I'm feeling good. And I want to say happy black history, but it's not representing this audience. I got you right here, Donnell. I got you. Trevor Wallace, one of the whitest white people on Planet Earth here to celebrate Black History Month with you. Donnell Rawlings is on tour. Good tickets at Donnell Rawlings.com. Trevor Wallace also on tour. He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix and he's dropping a new special at Trevor Wallace on YouTube, on April 1st, on YouTube. And hell yeah, you guys both have been on the show. You know how this fucking show works. Donnell is a legend of this game. He is on almost every Killtony compilation video of every hate me here. You know I'm just doing it for the piece and I'm so happy to announce that I did not make the Epstein files. I was at a ditty party, but I didn't guess. Oh, different. Oh, maybe all fair, everybody. I'll just say that. We're going to have fun here. You guys know how it works. Over 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If their name gets pulled out, you know, their time is up in your, the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rubly interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. God only knows. I mean, shick, it's crazy here out of this bucket. You guys are going to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, we go wrangle that first bucket poll of the night. We have a very, very special treat to start tonight's show. This young man is considered much like Donnell, one of the most polarizing figures in this show's history. Very, very, we've watched him grow up until this point. Every minute seems to be better than the last. Ladies and gentlemen, you remember when he was just in that few, now he's an uncle mixin' with the great uncle laser everybody. Before we get started on these, you know, listen, I don't care what you are. Okay. He's sure right, it's human beings, whatever you do, don't repeat on what someone else does, it's sure right, it's human beings. Like, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trained. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice, you know, don't. And you're like, well, the black's not choice. Well, they choose to be that loud of the movie theater, don't they? Listen now, listen here goddamnit, listen. I ain't racist to nobody. I don't want to, but there is one motherfucker I do, hey, okay. One motherfucker I can't stand. And that is motherfucker with the audacity to ask me if I want to help them move furniture from one apartment complex to the other. Okay, listen dude, the goddamn blatant disrespect you gotta ask me to help you move a California king down two flights of stairs. Yeah, man, as soon as we get there, you might as well just fuck my wife on that mattress, all right? I'd rather have full blown fucking aids, all right? Like, not magic Johnson aids, quit playing basketball in the 90s. I'm talking Dallas Barclubs' aids, all right? 99 cents a day aids. You can swap them flies off them, maybe open a kid's face. With that means, yeah, I gotta move on Saturday if anybody's got pickup drug I can borrow. My name's Uncle Eddie Ominga. Uncle laser has started this show. Uncle Lee, let's check in with Donnell again. I feel attacked anytime I wipe out. Now since my name, Donnell, that's the most racist. I feel like I was watching a turning point half time show. I'll just say this, you made Charlie Kirk happy as a mother fuck of man. He's turning over in his grave, you know, kid crack rock over here. You know, it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves for sure. Uncle laser, how's things going? It's good, man. Your girl Kim Cobbner had a dating show there and I actually wanted a date with Heidi. Oh, wow. But I was Wambuzled because she, we went out to the Betty, right? But she just took me up with the biggest friend she has. Yeah. And not like their best friends, like this bitch is round. That makes sense. That's real big bear. She just went boos with me. So that's... No, it sounds like he's describing what Anita right now. Oh, Juanita. The very famous Juanita. Juanita famously talked about how black guys don't want to fuck her. Juanita is a... She's trans, right? He's a obese trans. Donnell, you would bring that up. That's trans. But Donnell thought it was just a thick Mexican chick and he said, hey, you know, I'd be down and then I informed him. Basically, it was worse. It was much worse than that. This is what I said. Yeah. You did the song, buddy. You're a boy. And then I said, I said in behalf of... I'm speaking on behalf of the black community, I said, this is the song we want to say, we will, we will, fuck you. And then I looked and I didn't really record because I know women in the Midwest look just like... Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers. And then my deems was flooded with guys named Tonya. I don't know. That was a guy. We figured that part out, okay? But, you know, it's a new day, it's a new dawn. Shout out to Juanita. Yeah, we love Juanita. You take her to the Diddy party? That's what you did there? No comment. Takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go. I gotta tell you that man. A drum of baby oil. Chrisco or something too. I feel so insecure. I'm a black man that can't use baby oil because of Diddy right now. What are you using? If you want to really be just your sexuality, whatever, you go to a CVS and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter and see how the fuck they look at you. Did they, did they, but they have to unlock the thing for you, right? When do you do that? The new Dine-L is not gonna respond to that. Uncle laser. So what did you end up doing with the big girl that Heidi hooked you up with? You know, yeah, we know. We know that you know how to do it. You see the S got me eight bottles of baby oil, you know? Let's just say you move that furniture around. Yeah, I helped. I helped. It's a teen lift. Well, laser, great way to get this show started tonight and came out with a bang. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Uncle laser every day. And now we go to the bucket, everyone. And now to the bucket we go, your first bucket, but we're gonna meet them all together. This is obviously the part of the show where anything can happen. Makes the noise. Perception shepherded everybody. Howdy-oh. I found out recently I'm one eighth black. It's our month now. Now this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words, but I sure have been thinking about it. I lost my virginity with a soft dick. You all might be thinking, wow, that's got to take a hug to work, right? You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough and keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey though, we figured it out. That's all right. All right, now we say I got bigger pop, but thank you all so much. That's it. That's it. Shepard. Welcome to the show's set. Thank you. I love your accent. I haven't heard it since you did the narration on the Big Lebowski. Yes, sir. Last time I was on you said the same thing. Yes, sir. You've been on before? About a year and a half ago. Maybe eight time on stage. You've been doing comedy about 16 to 18 months now. This is your eighth time on stage? No, last time I was on. Yes, sir. Yeah, you have an unbelievable voice. Thank you. Both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep without a doubt. So what's been going on Seth, tell us about your life. What are you doing for work right now? Work at a dispensary, which is pretty funny, because I don't smoke weed. But I went to a time you vote for to be illegal, every time it's on the ballot. Out my top of thing at all. I'm a simple man. I make my eggs and bacon put on my camouflage hat and get to rot in the jokes. The swalking eagle of America is what keeps us safe. And I'm going to consider myself a true patriot. Yes, sir. When I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs, I'm invading the Capitol, oiling up my guns, and just doing what's right for the country. Yes, sir. I do support the weeds. I just, I feel like I'm 29. I'm too old to be so scared. It's, uh, I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking. I was like, oh no. What do you all hate me? What's going on? I was so scared. I hate you because those jokes are trash. I know. Don't think too deep in a smoking joint. Do some crap. What's up? Anybody got some heroin in his face? Oh my god. I know this is a platform to support people, but kill yourself. It's over, son. Thank you, sir. You look like you're starting a cuckhole video. Man, I don't know why that colored philip talked to me like that, that not. He was disrespectful as hell. Here is my wife in his hurt birthday. Make her feel good. He just looks like the guys in that video always click on it. You've seen those videos, huh? I was part of those videos. So Seth, you're, we work at a weed dispenser. What are you doing for fun? What is a guy like Seth do for fun? You look like a man of many hobbies. I like building guns. That's right. Straight out of my impression of him. He said building guns. Building guns. Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about you. He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets his chance. So whenever I first moved down here, I was actually, I called the mother ship, and I said, hey, y'all, I usually got a gun on my hip. Y'all got pistol check. And they're like, what? I was like, if I got a gun on my hip, y'all got somebody and get my gun to. And they said, oh, I was like, ah, I thought this was Texas, I'm sorry. There's only one person that the mother ship allows to have a gun in this place and that person is de-matteness ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Right. Look out. Well, he's not doing a good job because if he built guns, you should have took opportunity to shoot yourself before you came in. Bill, two birds or one stone. Yes, sir. I love it. Seth, what's your love life like? It's doing all right. I actually just this past week kind of broke up with a lady because she's sending me all kinds of weird shit, kind of suicidal shit. And I'm like, I got another gun. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, man, I got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky. I don't know why you back to K-Shuff over that. Leave me alone. Yep. Look at that. Six and a half, huh? We're going all right. How much bad dick do you have? I'd be honest. Don't need the base. It's so thick. It doesn't go in. Little tree stump down there. Seth, this is incredible. So she was suicidal. So you broke up with her? What a unbelievable boyfriend. Man of the year, everybody. Give her a better help, Rita, something, dude. I've ordered her for a few days and she's like, I'm going in the dark end. I'm like, oh, I'm the darker. Yeah. I'm the darker you. Amazing, man. So, yeah. I've learned my lesson. Crazy pussy's the shit, but it ain't worth it at the end of the day. You need somebody who can cook you some eggs, hang out, and be a good woman. Hey. It's unbelievable, this guy. I mean, unbelievable. Seth, what else do you do for fun? Give us another hobby before I get you out of here. I like to go fishing. I ain't been fishing since I moved out. We already knew that. Give us another one. Let's see. I walk around six street and just look at the homeless people. It's kind of funny. I feel like you're not a comic in Austin unless you piss in an alley. I'm just taking a look at all the turds back here. What's going on? There is a lot of turds back there. It's a lot. For those of you that just listen to the show from far away, let me tell you. Right behind us. Literally behind us. About 15 feet behind us. There's turds. Yeah. Crazy. OK, red band. He's red bands one far outside of that perhaps. So Trevor, do you think you look any homeless at all? Oh, yeah, I'm sure I do. You look like Luke Nocome, all right? Yes, sir. Seth Shepard. What's your family like? Are they real Billy Goats, too? Yeah, I come from a long line of prejudice people. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're great. But I remember whenever I was on the show last, Cam Patterson followed me up. And he said, he's got a good slave on a voice. Yeah. And for the next two months, every time I call him, my daddy's like, what's up, slave on a voice? I'm like, you can't know what it is. You can't say that. I can't imagine what your dad's voice is like. Oh, it's great. He honestly, I have a deeper voice than any. I used to smoke three packs a day, so they're saying all natural, I guess. Wow. New ports. Marble Red. I thought you were 1 1 1 8th black, sorry. Yeah. Fair point. Somebody didn't leave me. It's cool. Somebody did leave a pack of New Port Menthols at Creek class night and I smoked everyone. I don't know who's it were, but that was mine now. Hey, Ted Ford. Real quick before I let you out of here. This soft dick, she puke, 7, you were 17, she was 22. How did that end up happening? It was my sister's friend. We got drunk. Was that her house, a fucker on her couch? Assistant? My sister's friend. You have a voice like you would lose your virginity or sister. You ain't wrong, you ain't wrong. No disrespect to West Virginia. It can talk to you, sir. Yeah. Amazing. And why was your dick soft? Because you were drunk, too. I had a fifth of whiskey. Yeah, I was. We figured it out eventually, but it's, I have a night tolerance to whiskey. Don't make any sense. I get free drinks at some of the clubs around here. And the other two weeks ago, I had a full maybe 750. I don't even know, but I've never had a hangover, so I'm not learning lessons. I wish I could. The only hangover I've ever had was from Tequila. Wow. Yep. That's not interesting at all. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I love it. It's good when the people watching the show actually fall asleep watching it, because that means that we get the entire view that just stays on and then it rolls. And then they have to watch it again. So we get two views by having someone on like you early on in the episode. I'm a businessman on top of a host and a comedian and a roaster. So all right. You're leaving here with a one eighth normal size black joke book. There you go. There you go. Seth Shepard, everybody. On to the next one we go. There goes Seth. There goes Seth, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Look who it is, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody live in the flesh. Go to Heidi Regina.com. Check out our podcast, Love on the Line. Also check out the Kill Tony band on YouTube. They have a new show, Find you part two. They have a new song. They do songs. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this thing, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own. Everybody said, who's going to want to buy tickets to an open mic that they could possibly watch on YouTube for free? Filming schedule, logos. It was all overwhelming. And then one day, we introduced a new decision that needed an answer. And when you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to-do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. 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Slashkel Tony, go to Shopify.com. Slashkel Tony, that shop.fi.com. Slashkel Tony, say it. Shopify.com.slashkel.com. That shop.fi.com.k. Thanks. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Julian Kessas. Julian Kessas. So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids. Because how? There's only one thing he could have done. Only one thing that makes any sense. He'd line them up on the ground, put a ramp on either side, and turn this chair up to full speed. And he has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks. And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way. It's just the wind resistance. You know what I mean? He's just like, all right. That's my set. Julian Kessas. Welcome, Julian. Is this your first time on the show? First time. I love it. Welcome. How long have you been on standup? Six months. Six months. Very good. Amazing premise and execution. The delivery felt organic. It felt like you're new. But it was good. Yes. Because it created mystery kept us on the edge of our seats, much like Stephen Hawking. So six months in the game, how old are you? 30. 30. What made you want to start six months ago? I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I was working at Amazon. I was just tired of it. And I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live? And I was like, do I want to be a rock star? Do I want to? Hell yeah. I like the optimism. If I could put eight to 10 hours a day into one of those things, I said, comedy, I think, is the one thing that I could see myself working really hard on. What came in second place to stand up comedy? Being a rock star, were you about to go by where you're going to go to guitar center, something like that, and by a guitar? Like, what was... I think there was no second place. It kind of just comedy was the only thing I could see myself doing long term and working really hard on for... What ethnicity are you? Mexican. 100%. Both my parents, but I did a DNA test. It's like 35% native Mexican. OK. How much percentage would need to have an actual official ice rate in here? Is it like 35%. All right, get it. They're hung the way. Very cool. What do your parents do? Mom's stay at home, mom. What does dad do? Am I right? Mom's on disability. Yeah. And dad's a four-cliff driver. Yeah, perfect. That's the direct make-up of Stephen Hawking right there, actually. Yeah. What kind of disability does your mom have? I'm new. She gets a frenic. Oh, she gets a frenic. Yes. Is that affected you a lot as a kid, I bet? Honestly, it's very low-key. She has voices in her head, but she handles it well, so she's not. The voices speak Spanish. I never thought to ask. Do the voices know anything bad, Bunny was saying at the Superboy App Time Show? I'm just curious. Can your mother translate the App Time Show? I don't know what happened. I was watching the T-pack half-time show, so I'm kidding. I would have to ask her. No, it's good. But nothing to nuts that she's ever done, any big break meltdowns like Don L. did a few episodes ago. No, she's hurt. If she has an episode, it's just really small, her handling, her self. Is it an episode or it's all a novella? What do you call it, exactly? It's more like she's talking to herself and I'm like, what's going on? Right. That makes sense. Dad's cool, you and dad are close? Me and dad are close. What is he thinking? Go ahead. My parents got separated when I was in second grade, but he lives in the same town and I see him pretty often. So which part, side of your mother did he separate from? That's a good question. Yeah, her main personality, I think, but supposedly it changed over time, so who knows? Did she live by herself now or did she have another man? No, she lives by herself for the last maybe like 20-something years. Okay. But in her head, she lives with a group of people, right? Oh yeah, well, she took us with her too, so there's just like a whole... You still live with mom? Not anymore. Nice. I moved to Austin actually. You live by yourself? Other by myself. Nice. How are you able to afford that apartment now that you do you still work at Amazon? So I was working at Amazon in California and then I just, I said, you know what? I looked up the cost of living in Austin and I said, you know what, I could pull out my savings. Go to Austin, find a job and then last for like as long as I need to last until like my comedy skills grow. Let me ask you this. How much money did you have saved up? About 14,000? Very good. What's your rent a month? Like 575, 75, 75. I live in a travel trailer. I don't live in a... Beautiful. You never see Uncle Azar out there. Hey Julian, can you help me move this counter over here? Come on, give me a hand and say me name's Larry Dimes, let's go. Wow. Julian, you have any hobbies or anything like that? Sometimes I write things other than comedy like I like to write poetry sometimes too and then draw. Nice. And what else? Anything wild and fun? It's something like he would be a good eulogy writer. Yeah. You know I have... I made a couple of friends here and at least one of them gets me out of the house, you know make sure that I'm not stuck at home. You seem like the kind of guy that could drink tequila all day, have no hangover. I don't know. And if you had whiskey at all, you'd be tremendously hungover. Reverse of the last guy. I don't get hungover. Whiskey does make me emotional. Ooh, what kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey? I started thinking about my life too much. Ah, poetry. Are you going to get a job though? Are you looking for a job? I'm going to interrupt yourself. Poetry gets emotional. That's when you get... I'm Ubering now. Ooh. Yeah. Okay. Uber Eats are just regular Uber with humans. Regular Uber. I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own. Nice. I love it. Ha ha ha ha. Brilliant. Like I said about the Stephen Hawking thing, you have a very funny brain. I think you're just going to keep getting better. There's... I don't think there's anything I can stop you, Julian. I see it. I've been doing this way too long. I know what it's like when someone has a premise and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery. And that's where you are right now. It's incredible. Sign up again. Here's a big joke, Bob. Thank you. Boom. Ooh. There you go. It happens. All right. Your next comedian works here. You know him. He became famous for talking about bags and boxes. This is a brand new minute from J Legend, everybody. Yeah. I'm dating. I had a one-on-a-date with a white woman. It's important that I said that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was in a gender pronouns and how she identified as a day though, which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy out there over here. I'm like, if that's how you choose a little life, I'll call you what you want to be called. By the way, I did let them know before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. And that's going to be a problem. We shouldn't do this because they could come. Just make sure they bring money for real. Because if they want anything on this menu, they're going to pay for the shit. Grituity and all. They're going to be stuck with the bill for seven fucking people because you don't know who you want to be in life. That's not my responsibility. And I refuse to deal with it. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The part that pissed me off the most was they got up when it was time to order. So now I look like a dumbass at the table because the waiter took the order. He like served with you like, put my order in a confidence. Then he was like, what about your guess? I was like, I don't know what they want. He said, they, you expect more people? I was like, no, it's just one of them. He said, one of them. I said, yes, nigger one of them. I don't know the fuck I just said. I'm confused too. I thought you helped me figure this shit out for real. Because at this point, it's us versus them. And we're losing. LAUGHTER They also want to tell us, too. OK, let's do it. APPLAUSE Very strong. That welcome back, Jay. Appreciate you all. Tommy, can I say something? Oh, absolutely. This is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel. You can't say, I just want to say, mine nigger, mine nigger! Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the end of me. That's the end. Appreciate it, guys. Not just because it's black, here's your mind. Just because you're black. That was it. So ice was on their way. Now we're calling the police, everybody. They already hear us. They're going to fall in the water. Yes, there he is, watching with a watchful eye over there, keeping an eye on everything. Jay, how's life going? Man, it's going good, man. I'm just working here all the time, making sure y'all, cheers isn't ordered before y'all get in here. Taking out the trash, man, y'all leave. All y'all zins on the fucking floor. Stop that shit. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's true. Somebody's got to do it. One of the great door guys of the mother's ship. Jay, what's your personal life? Like, what are you doing out there? You live by yourself? Oh, no. So I have a house full. So I got a baby mama I'm not with. She lived with me, and I got my two kids, and that's why she there. So you're not with the baby, mama, but she lives with you. Yeah, I pair all the bills and shit, and she there, because I come out and work nights, so I need somebody to help me. I come out and work nights, so I need somebody to take care of the kids. So she's useful. You have two kids with her. Yes. OK. Say your baby mom before you ask. Yes. But you don't, that was my next question. But you don't hook up with her at all, have you? No, no, that's so toxic. No, hell no, I'm scared. Because if another kid happens, I'm going to jump off of something. But you pay all the bills? Yeah. You ever look at her and go, I am decopting now. I should. Maybe that should have worked. Oral than anything. I was horrible, I'm sorry. No, that's part, that's perfect. When you say it's a toxic relationship, can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly? OK, so she got this super depressive personality where she can't be happy about shit in life. We know a good gun guy. Somebody say, oh, yeah. Yeah, I already bought one, it's on the way. Yeah, but I try to make things happy, because I'm a comedian, I like laughing at shit, and she'd be like, no, I'm cool with being depressed. That could make for a toxic house. So especially when you pay all the bills, and you respect somebody to be happy with that, she comes and is like, you know, you left the lights on? Well, bitch, I pay the bills in here. I get to fucking leave all of that. You're not going to sleep in the light. How about that? You're damn right. You're damn right. So you don't ever get to hook up with checks, huh? At their place, yeah, you can't come to my house. There's too much going on in here. Right. You imagine that happening? How old are the kids? Four and one. My son is four. My daughter's one. He got autism. That was pretty cool. Oh, damn. Yeah, don't, what's your all? It's cool. It's fucked. He don't talk a lot, so his house is quieter. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He's got to think about the positives, dumbass. Pfft. Ha, ha, ha. I love it. I love it. I wish more you were autistic. I got a question. You. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What was the demise of your relationship with your baby mom? What was the demise? It always was the depression shit. I thought it would get better. Like I was the type of guy with like, I don't want to just walk out. This is my dad did. We can't do the repeat shit. I was like, let's stick around and see if it could work out. And if I could like try to talk greatest into her and then after a while, I'm like, now, I'm talking to a wall. And you kind of just be like, all right, we're not going to figure this out. So we just go out several ways. Now was she the one that famously left you with bags and boxes? Yeah, she was the one. I wrote a song before it. That was how mother fuck out much I tried. We remember the legendary song, but then you moved back in. No, she moved in with me. Oh. She lived with me. I want people to get that shit straight too, because I ain't going to have it wrong. She lived with me. Like you live with your back? No, she lived with me. I'm not one of them sleep out sleeping baby deadies. I'm fucking hell less shit. It's amazing that you are trying so hard to be a good father. Yeah, thank you. Incredible. It's like when you see like an Asian basketball player or something like it's the opposite of the stereotype. Like how did that Asian do that? We know that Asians are good at like ping pong or something. You guys are good at walking out. Fucking breaking down barriers every day. It's incredible. I'm like the Jackie Robinson of Baby Dads. Yep. Yep. Every black person was a Jackie Robinson of the thing. Jackie Robinson was the Jackie Robinson. Jay, anything else crazy in life going on? I mean, not crazy. I got some past shit. You're like the blackest shit about me is. I was almost sold for crack as a baby. That was insane. Yeah, I had 70 year old parents and they left with my crack head grandma and then they came back from working at Burger King and my mom was like, where's my baby? And trying to get that answer from a crack head is pretty hard. And my dad was a crack dealer so he knew all the hotspots so he was like, you chit-out and I'm gonna find him. He came back like two hours later with me. That's the crazy fucking. That is a crazy story. Yeah. I was born in the 90s so I feel like with inflation, they would be like a eight ball which is a lot of money. Yep. I was a special bad baby. This is like a proud. He's like a job. Incredible, Jay. You are very charismatic. Did you have any idea what you're doing? I was just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just very charismatic. Did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here? Did you notice anything? Yeah. Don't give a fuck. See, I like to fucking fire detector. I don't change the batteries on purpose. There's like white noise for me. There's like a little instrumental waiting to happen. It's a million on for you. It's funny that it's white noise to you because it's a black noise job. Jay, you already have a big joke book, right? Yeah. Is it filled up? Yeah, it's field up. Okay, here's another one. Yeah, black. Jay Legend was getting a black one. Yeah, yeah. Little black baby, jokebook. Jay Legend, everybody. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Derek Larson. Everyone makes noise for Derek Larson. Woo! Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas. I was going to have to learn the Texas lingo. I started saying things like howdy, I reckon, and yeehaw after somebody would say the inward. Yeah, I learned pretty quick. That's not how people talk at Austin at all. People here say things like woken progressive. If you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff too. Like the other day, this person walks by and I turn to my buddy and go, damn, dude. Check out the ass on that day, then. Woo! Little about me. Little about me. I have a pocket pussy. Yeah. I'll be honest with you guys after you use it a couple times. It starts to taste kind of weird. Yeah. But hey, a chef should ever fear his own recipe. Am I right, fellas? Yeah, my pocket pussy is also brown, so you know when I'm using it, I'm yelling yeehaw. Alright, yeah. Cool. I hooked up with this big girl recently. Yeah. Talk about a heavy sleeper. Alright, fuck. Thank you. Derek Larson. Alright. This is your first time on the show, Derek. Yes, sir. Welcome. How long have you been on standup? Like seven years on and off. Yeehaw! Okay. Yeah. Damn. When did you move here? Three years ago. Where did you come from? I wish I could have a can. Which of the cans is? Which of the cans is? Yeah. Oh, what? Oh, my God. Okay, Matt. Doesn't say anything ever. Yeah, he speaks once every two months. I said, which of the cans is? Where did you come from? Cottonite show. Again. Autism is spreading through the United States of America. It is an epidemic. Derek, which of the cans is? And what do you do for work? I am a rope access technician. So I clean the high rises and stuff on ropes. Like, clean new windows, maintenance, whatever. But on ropes. Very nice. What's the highest you've ever been on a building? A ballpark. One on the rainy, one on the rainy new buildings. It's like 45 stories. And it has an overhang, which is, it was scary. You ever thought about it? I got to go to work tomorrow. Yes. No. No. Tell us how this park is supposed to be true or no. Do you eat it like a goagurt? How'd you do it? Just slow it all the way up. You got to make it work, you know. You're saying? No, I know. Right. Let me ask you this. When you're out there cleaning windows, you know, I can tell you. Red bank can tell you. A lot of stuff goes down and you never know when you people are coming. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen inside of one of these crazy windows? Oh, man. It's so, everybody has such great stories, minor. It's kind of gay. Your face just went gay just now. I don't know what happened. It wasn't fun, man. It was, so you like, you drop. And like, of course, they don't know where coming. Right. I dropped on this window and I swear to God this dude was just jerking off on his couch and like, he looked at me and made eye contact and like kept going. I swear to God. I would have noted on the window and like, clean that bitch. We don't think you could see us. I think that's the main thing. Like, I always think that you can't see the reflections in the show. We act. We try to like make it seem like we don't see what's going on. That was his day. He was like, boy, the window washer come down here. It's going to be he-haw. No doubt about it. Yeah, it was, yeah, it was so weird. It was a weird situation. And I got to finish the, I can't just drop down. I got to like, you just dropped down. You enjoyed to sit by the front. It was new. You can mission impossible that go a little bit, zzzz, go a little lower, but you chose to stay there. You know what I would have done? You know me. I would have stared right at the guy, started jerking off myself. But I would have taken my repel rope and wrapped it once around my neck. Really just fucking really gotten into it. You know what I mean? I'm into crazy shit. There's a certain level of success where you hit where you can't just come like a normal person anymore. I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something. What is that called? Fudo something, right? What is it called? What is it? I call it pulling a David Caradine. What is it called? That's a freak. Anybody can pronounce that as a fucking freaky mother fucker. Yeah. Auto erotic. I'm a fixation. Michael Gonzalez, our resident king. Okay. So Derek, give us a crazy fun fact about your life, which atot Kansas. You got some hillbilly parents? No, my parents were pretty cool. I was a pretty bad drinker. Well, I've had a drinking problem for like seven years and recently I like stop finally. What made you stop? My parents came and visited. I was like, what? You guys know where I live? No. No, it wasn't like that. It was like a very hard to heart. How bad was it for you drinking the day? Yeah. It was self. Basically every night drinking about half a bottle of whiskey. Wow. Yeah. It got pretty bad to where it was every night. But I wouldn't do it like during work or anything. Obviously, but I would wake up still drunk and be like, this is horrible. And then seven years later, I'm like, I'm going to do something about it. Yeah. Awesome. How old are you again? I'm 31. 31. Yeah. I'm like, there you go. There's still time, right, Ben? Just so you just get a bigger bottle of whiskey, get one of those big Costco jokes. Oh, well, so forth. I had like a legit, where I would buy the small bottle because I'm like drinking out of the bottle. And then I'd fill it up with a big bottle. So I'd like buy the big bottle and just keep refilling the small bottles. Oh, yeah. You had a problem. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I didn't think it was a problem because I would just say home and drink. So I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody, but it turns out I hurt myself. Amazing. Worst night of drinking you ever had. Would you ever hit a bottom before you kept going? I, one time I got drunk and I took my, I obviously in Kansas, it gets cold and it snows. I didn't realize that when people made snowman like after a couple days, it turns into pure ice. Me and my buddy got drunk one night and we just plow through snowmen through people's yards. In my car, yeah, it fucked my car up. Oh, yeah. Fucked it. And now we were so drunk, we were like, you just so fun. And then the next day I'm like, oh my god, my dad's going to beat this shit out of me. Wow. Incredible. Yeah. What's your love life like, Derek? Non-existent. I haven't had girlfriend in a long time. Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin? Yeah, I moved here three years ago. Oh, perfect. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you got to snag one every now and again. Yeah. Get them on six straight, why they're, yeah, incomprehensible. I don't know. I'm sorry, I didn't get them with your rope. Come here, bitch. I love it. Well, Derek, fun times. Here's a joke book. How about a hampered Derek Larson, everybody? Thank you so much, man. Go. All right. We're flying through it tonight. Here's your next blockable. You guys having fun out there? All right. Next one is for your next one. It's Nick Cano, everybody. Nick Cano is next on KELSE. I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone and he was ignoring me. He was ignoring me. He really pissing me off. I was like, you know, I'm an fuck you. Go to hell. You don't go to black hell. That got his attention. Yeah, he turned around real quick. He'll black hell is crazy, bro. Is it, you guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. It's the most evil guy of all time. What do you think black hell would be like, just mory every day finding out you are the father forever? Baby's name is smoke detector. Always needs batteries, you know. There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell. There's top end. Bottom. Hell yeah. Not homophobic. I just hate people that love the gossip. Japanese hell would just be Vietnamese heaven. I don't know. I think Mexican hell is actually froze over right now because of all the ice. I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian hell. Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells? Holy shit. Thank you so much, guys. Fuck yeah. I can't. Thicken with one bit for a full minute. Great stuff, man. How long have you been on stand up? A year and a half. A year and a half. All of it in Austin? Four worth. Okay, that's where you live now. Yes, sir. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work at Big Laugh. Big Laugh comedy club in Fort Worth. Okay, perfect. I actually feel like I'm in Black Hill listening to these jokes. Oh my god, I'm in Black Hill in Black History Month. What the fuck am I doing? You didn't have to stride with Black Hill. You should have closed the Black Hill. I should have, but I feel like that would be more disrespectful. It is Black History Month. Put them in the front of the joke instead of the back of the bus. There you go. There it is. That was a big deal. That was a funny. I don't know. Yeah, and I'm in Black Heaven right now. That was a funny joke. Nick, tell us more about your life. What ethnicity are you? You look like you could be fucking at everything. I've been told I look ambiguous and I fucking hate it. I'm 100% Mexican. You look like a big mouth character for sure. I fucking wish that I- Roll going on with you, buddy. I fucking wish I'd probably get pussy. Wow. So you're 100% Mexican? Yeah. What are your parents like? They are dead. Wow. How did they die? My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm. How did your dad die? My dad died. Funny story, guys. I tried to kill myself one time and my dad missed his dialysis. So one day he woke up having a heart attack and I was still overdozing or like high on Xenics. So I had a drive in like 120 miles an hour until like 30 minute away hospital. Took the wrong turn and he died in the car. Wow. That's one of the most amazing answers to a question I've ever gotten on this show. So how long ago did that happen? That was in 2018. 2018. So I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt. Oh yeah. It definitely didn't help at all that I was high the whole time. You know, annoying it is to be woken up at all by your parents. Imagine being like stone high off of Xenics and your dad's like having a heart attack. What the fuck are you talking about dude? I was freaking out. I hated it. So I just delved into it more. I went to jail and shoot. I think his hill is a lot worse than black hill. Yeah. That's how you... Good hill is a mother fuck. That's why I go to church now. Do you go to church now? No, that's a lie. Oh, okay. You're a funny guy, Nick. Thank you. That's what it takes. It takes a lot of darkness. People with two dead parents are always very funny. I agree. Everybody should kill their parents. There you go. There you go. You're gonna make it big. You heard what you did. That's right. Amazing. What other trauma do you have in life? Because you said your parents were dead like it was nothing. I actually do the show called Trauma Dumping because there's a bunch of bullshit. This girl one time I took her to go see Sam Tal and Hyena. And she threw up all over me and told me she was cheating on me. Wow. And then said, I asked her why and she goes, I just find them more attractive than you and you. So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? So how far are you gonna go? And you make anything really weird. Yeah, I do. Tuxier. Wait, do you know what Tuxier means? I know. I do. Cool. Cool. I just shake it. You know what? I just shake it. I just learned how to shake it. I just shake it. Yo, if you kill yourself tonight, I wouldn't give a fuck. I wouldn't give a fuck either, you know. The guy in the gun, I'm going to tell him to bring it back so you can shoot yourself right in the fucking temple. I'll send you a letter and what have I in the pit. All right. OK. Goddamn it, I love you, dude. Yeah. Amazing. Nick, before I let you go, what? No, let go. What? Now you get the fuck out of here, man. I love him. There's a rope on the balcony. Yeah. Just fucking just be the first time I walk before you do, man. Hey, Nick. Hey, Nick. Tell me what I do. Listen, look how much better I make this garbage as communion. Now he's got his rhythm. It's dark. We're having fun. And I appreciate that. And what I found for that, it feels like you need to be pushed in a corner to really be funny. You are coming from a dark place. And I think it's something to be said as much tragedy as you had in your life to be able to make fun of it. Even though I'm the buttery jokes, I'm here and probably that was something sparked you to be funny. Because the other shit you did was very suicidal. Now you're going to live. Let's find out. Nick Cano, I love your style. Love your jokes. Amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book. Great stuff. Fuck out of here. Hey, man. That's racist. Oh, don't go. Mac to day. Nick Cano, everybody. I just matumbled his whole dreams. That's today, buddy. Forgot. Well, this is very exciting. This looks like a new name. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Randolph Davies, everybody. Randolph. Oh, OK. No way. No way. No way. That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. I was a... I've been on the road with the counting crows for about 35 years. You see a lot of stuff. You get a lot of things get you down, get you tense. So I try to get a massage from time to time. I went to this. I used to get a massage from this girl. She started having too many seizures, so I had to stop using her. But so I got a new girl, bigger girl. Fat, you could say. And while that would push up on top of me, I would get a massage, get relaxed, fell asleep. And I'll wake up, and she goes, hey, sorry about the fart. And I said, what? And at first I thought she was blaming me. I'm like, sorry about that. You couldn't control your asshole. And then I said, I said, my bad, it hasn't bothered me with something. She goes, no, no, I'm the one that farted. I'm the farder. Is what she said. I said, I don't know why you would turn yourself in after you rubbed the bank. But I was not going to help your reviews. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go online and say, Tina's super honest. I love that. And if you fall asleep at the right moment, you'll put a little secret in your mouth for free. All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much. Wow. Brand off, Davies. Unbelievable. I've never, I mean, why are you? This is incredible. Unbelievable execution, writing, timing, beats. It all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit. You're at the top of your head. But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal. I could tell you a few. Wow. What was working with the counting crows for that long, like? I was basically the guy that tuned the guitars, get them drugs, find restaurants. You know, that were fun to go to. Get them paddye whenever they needed. Yeah. One time we were in New Jersey. And Derson, I went to a regular massage parlor. And you can always tell when it's not, you know? The marquee's just a little bit worn down, kind of like the people inside, you know? And we get in there and right away, I don't want to do the accent. But you know who it was, you know? And she said something I didn't understand. And I knew what it meant, though, you know what I'm saying? There was a twinkler and I. Like she was down to clown, you know? So Adam and I went in. They only had one room. So we had to be in there together. And well, a long story short, we both got jerked off at the same time. And this was two days before Christmas. I looked over to him and I said, boy, this is quite the long December, you know? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Wow. Randolph Davies has arrived to the Killtoni Universe. I've noticed that almost every one of your jokes and stories revolves around getting on the couch. LAUGHTER Well, you know, life gets hard, Tony. You got to relax. And it's the only way for me to shut down mentally and physically. So some people, you know, I'll play with Xbox Live from time to time. Wow. Wow. Free Britney 69, if you want to find me on Xbox, by the way. That's your handle. Free Britney, is that for Britney Spears? No, for Britney Granger. LAUGHTER Oh, he picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth. This is a true road dog. Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have. LAUGHTER Wow. Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. This is your first time ever on stage. Absolutely worth continuous beats on the audience. Like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible. What made you want to...how old are you? 55. 55. What made you want to start stand-up here on Kiltoni tonight at 55? Well, you know, life gets crazy to him. I've been a living in Tamekil for about the last 14 years, right? My wife, my ex-wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops, which I know sounds like a joky beverage establishment, but it's actually, you know, it's kid-friendly. We have little petting zoo and all that shit. But my point is, you know, I just travel everywhere. I've done everything and I just figured, you know, shit, it's either, you know, fucking guy or do you stand up at this point? Wow. You came to the right show, buddy. Yep. A lot. A bad boy. How'd I curve? Oh, damn, blue-ed. I got a question for you. You say this is your first time doing stand-up? That's right, sir. But it's obvious that you had some jokes that you prepared. How long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided you actually were going to do it? Well, you know, I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show. I'm just trying to get people to know. I just want, I'm trying to. I hear, I hear, I hear, I hear, settle down, settle down. This is why I don't want to have Kim good advice to try to do something. No, no, no, no, I reach, I reach out and clear. I appreciate it. You know, it's one of those things, again, I've done it all. I've been around the moon and back, you know. And you just get to a point where you go, it's what else is there to do. But also, I got so many stories. I don't want to put them in a book, you know. Nobody reads books anymore. Right. They listen to the book or they want to go see the book live and film for them. You're at the little school. How fucking long? You're going to take you to decide if this is something you really wanted to do. About 15 minutes. About 15 minutes. OK. That's good. You see, you see, you see, you see, you see, I'm not a guy. I'm not a guy, darn hell, that does. I don't. He's paying attention. He's paying attention. I'm a fan. I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead. Life throws so much at you. Life is, I mean, I've updated girls. I fucked pregnant girls. I fucked. I fucked a girl with, you know, man, she had cervical cancer for about a month. What was that like? Can you describe that to us? The sex was unbelievable. Because she thought this was a rap, you know. So we got to do everything. She beat it. She had out to Jill. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And the pregnant women, you said women, plural Randolph Davies. I did, didn't I? Yeah, you did. What's that like? I've never been with a pregnant woman. Is there something that you've noticed that's different than a pregnant woman than a woman that isn't pregnant? I mean, look, that's, you know, that's like asking someone to explain the plot of Indiana Jones in the last crusade. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time. You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time. You have any fun stories about Courtney Cox? I thought you were going to ask me to do the secret show. I love that one. I'm a secret show. I'm busy. No, I'm busy. I'm busy. I can't make it to the show. I got to get a warrant removed. I do. I got a warrant on my finger. I was pregnant, bitches. Wow. But what was the question, Brian? Do you ever have any fun stories about Courtney Cox, you know, counting crows? Yeah, a party with Courtney a couple of times, his pre-friends. And she was wild, spunky. People always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one because of the whole hot tub thing. But no, she, Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous. Every other day, you want to go bungee jumping or, you know, go down to, you know, go down to Yoshenoya. You know what Yoshenoya is? It's a fast food Chinese restaurant. Yeah. I mean, they should call it Ecoli City. Yeah. But she always wanted to eat there. So to me, that was, she's a risk taker, right? But I saw her tits once. Yeah? Beautiful. And I don't want to say like that's, you know, I don't know her personally because of that. But I, you know, once you see someone have naked, you get a little bit more familiarity, right? Or was the question again, Brian? The perfect answer. Now you know. You know, it was great. Very funny. You nailed it. You were a roadie for the counting crows. Sure. Oh, 35 years? That's right. I imagine you know how to play the guitar, right? Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have? I was an auctioneer for a little bit. You know, mostly, you know, there's high coups, you know. My, I don't know if you, uh, well, have, I guess he's, you know, he's, RIP. He's not dead. He's dead to me, but he's, uh, shout to Nathan. But he, you know, he's, just went down the wrong path as we all do at some point. And he just needs to find his way back, you know, but, but he would always try to course me into going down to his little slam poetry things and, and no offense, but there, you know, one too many Indian people down there, you know. Which is fine. I just had, you know, it's, they're always coming up, you know, big counting crows fans, you know, the Indian people. So just a lot of questions from my side of things. And I just, you know, want to be out and joy, support my nephew. And here I am, you know, oh yeah, no, I was at Sarasota too, sir, you know. But yeah, so, uh, spoken, you know, if you guys want to hit me with a little, and that's something I can give you a little bit of a, the slam poetry that I used to. Oh hell, yeah. Absolutely. I could, I could listen to you and talk to you all day, Randolph Davies. Let it rip. Something in the key of E. But also dealer's choice, you know, it's your show. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Randolph Davies. The Killtony debut of Randolph Davies. Well, I was driving drunk again down the 405. Couldn't quite remember if I wanted to be alive. So I opened up my book, and I remembered what Captain Hook said in Peter Pan. He said, he said, give me all them boys. Give me all them girls. I'm going to take them to the plank and watch them vanilla swirl down into the ocean. Deep inside the ocean. There might be sharks. Look out. Big old fish and trout. Maybe we can get back to land and find my friend Stan. He has the drugs. Stan always had drugs. I'll tell you this one. Stan gave me a pill one time, and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half. Ooh, she could move. She could groove. But one thing I learned in this life at 55 years old is that even through a pandemic, mold is mold. So throw that peanut butter in the trash. It ain't good no more. It ain't good no more. I'm allergic to gluten by the way. Alright, that's it. Thank you so much. That's it, Adamy. Randolph Davies. Randolph, I gotta tell you, every once in a while an absolute saint comes around. My friend, you are the newest golden tikka winner here on Kilt Tony. Randolph, take that with you. Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Randolph in the very near future. Absolutely incredible. Alright, well, you guys, this is the greatest show in the world or what? There's Heidi. Alright, let's get another bucket pull up here. Make some noise for Pat O'Neal, everybody. Pat O'Neal. Folks, I was watching Batman earlier and it really got me thinking, you know, because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego, is Batman, inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man. Man, okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are Japanese. Come on, Asian jokes are short-sighted. What do I know until Wappenheimer came out? I thought Nagasaki was about Black Blow jobs. Speaking of overreaction, Samas really brought a knife to a fucking space laser fight. Oh holy shit, out of control. I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long. Considering half of them face the same way five times a day. Fucking sneak up behind them. Problem solved. You are welcome, Jews. Okay, thank you. Wow, Pat O'Neal is done it again. You are one of the funniest people, Pat. How's life going, buddy? Alright, how about you? I'm great, Pat, I'm great. Pat looks like this all the time, by the way. This isn't a character or anything. No, I'm actually... He looks and sounds suicidal, but I would try to save his life. I'm telling you, I don't know too much about you, whatever. But you have a very funny, funny energy. It always reminds me of how we Mendel, how we Mendel first started, right? He had this nervous energy and he worked with it. This is my first time seeing you, but you look funny, you sound funny and you're funny. Hey, remember the last time you were on, you wanted to fuck that trans girl? Thank you, sir. I'm sorry, Tom. That's funny, I'll just leave it at that... My DMs are already blown up, I don't need no more Tonya Tonys in my mouth, I can DM. I do remember that time where I misspoke... And I say something that was inappropriate, that's what I remember. But just still funny. Thank you, thank you, Tom. Did you fuck that trans girl? I fucking, let's get to it together, Adam. Oh, hell yeah, look at that, someone ordered a Sharkuterie board, there's three types of crazy meat at this party. Pat, what is your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything. Matt, out of the dating game doing that thing lately where you're whacked off for hours before finishing. Ooh, how less about that? What's that? What's it called again? Adjee. Oh yeah, Coke. I'm doing a lot of Coke King, oh. Tough to come on Coke. Wow, incredible, where you, how often are you doing cocaine? I don't know, no. No? Yes. No, not anymore. Not anymore. Devated septum. Oh. Better to go to sleep. Every hour. Yeah, you're such a funny guy, Pat. Are you getting on stage a lot here in Austin? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I just, yeah. What do you do for work? I got fired two weeks ago. Ooh, fired from like a mortgage company. What did you do to get fired? Um. Cocaine. Yeah. That's how the septum got deviated. Yes. I understand the nature of the show, but I have like a severance thing where I'm getting paid. So I like, literally cannot. Perfect answer. I'm sorry. No, it's great. No, I love it. Saying I understand the nature of the show, but I have a severance thing is actually the best answer I think we've ever gotten for that question. I can't be homeless. I'm sorry. No, it's fantastic. You already look at it. You can't actually live it. Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat. How did you end up like this? Are your parents dead too? My dad is. Yes. Yeah, there you go. That is a door knob. How did your dad die? A liver cirrhosis at age 40. Oh, wow. My god. How much was he drinking to get that at 40? A lot. Yeah. Well, day? Yes. Yes. Amazing. I ask these questions because I like to have a few drinks at night. I get scared. A little hypochondriac. 40. That's amazing. How old was he when he had you? I don't know. How old were you when he died? Let's put it that way. 16, I think. Okay. How old are you now? You look like you could be any. Somehow still looks 16. You locked in. I'm 29. 29. Perfect. What's that? Jesus. Yeah. You guys might not be able to hear it over the podcast, but the entire crowd just gasped and all said different words. A lot of fucked Jesus. It's a very rude audience. Make these fuckers laugh. Pat, you are absolutely hilarious. We love you here on the show. Keep coming back. Hold on, take it. How are you? One. More than anything in the world. Really? My whole life took, yeah. Well, I just did the only one I have up here away, but I won't disappoint you. I won't bother you to be on a lot. You've got another one. Fuck you, Pat O'Neil. You just want to go and take a few. There you go. Thanks. You're welcome, my friend. I think you're welcome. There you go. You're going to invite him to do the secret show? All right. Well, it's good when you do it on the mic, but there you go. He's got a gig on first. I'm going to sell this shit on Facebook marketplace first. Yeah. Honestly, I think he was deserved for a long time ago. He's won the first. Of course. Yes. It takes a lot to do that as a normal white guy nowadays. And he always absolutely knocks it out of the park. How about one more time for Pat O'Neil, everybody? There are Golden Tigger winners on this show that leave avails, and sometimes we can squeeze them into the show. And then there are regulars, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is a regular, and there is a big difference between regulars and Golden Tigger winners. Regular's have to write a new minute every single week. This is one of those guys. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some fucking noise for the one and only. This is a brand new set for Patrick Flynn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Me and my white roommate, I had to go do a show at Marvel Falls, Texas. It's not a real place even though I went there. When the sun went down, I looked at my roommate. I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back. And the shit on the way, there's no street lights. It looked like where you meet the devil and the nigga charged. He challenged you to play guitar for your soul. So what we driving, I looked at him and I said, yo, I got a pee on by the pee in this Gatorade bottle. And then he looked at me, his white ass said, I'll just pull over. No, nigga, you're not. We are not, we're not stopping here. And then he was like, what, you scared like a mountain lion's going to come get you? I said, nigga, that's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, a white guy. You know what I'm saying? Like that. I'm trying to take a piss and a nigga come out of the core and feel and talk about you. You fellers, lops. Wrong turn. Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten. Like, I don't care what you say. If y'all was in the woods and you saw a white guy just appeared a whole time in your head. You're like, I wish this nigga was a grizzly bearer. Because you can, they have shit for bears. They got a shit called bear mace. You spray it on a bearer and the bear get the fuck away. There's a hundred videos of it working. There's twice as many videos of a white guy walking through bear mace and getting tays still trying to make a point. And I told that bitch to bring my soda over there. I don't want to do that. That's just scary. And if we be honest, nigga the scariest bears are white. Polar bears don't know. All they do is kill. Nigga, that's just my biggest fears running to a polar bear with no Coca-Cola. Actually, let me change that. My biggest fears running to a polar bear with Pepsi. Nigga, that, now I'm getting raped and slowly eating by a goddamn polar bear. That's my time. I love y'all. That's it, Greg. Plenty has done it again. Don't know. No, I want to, this is interesting because I've said this before. This is one of the best, this reminded me of back-to-day with Deaf Jam where it was a platform where people that you didn't see get to perform. I saw you, you pulled up, I don't know, in my algorithm or something. And I think I commented on your page. And I said, I said original, I said authentic, and I said something else for me. You said I was really funny, it was a great written joke, and it was authentic, and this is a real comic. I know because I screenshot and I said it to my mama immediately. That's nigga, immediately. With this show, you get some duds, but it also gives everybody an opportunity to do their shit. So for me to come see you, I was like, oh, that's my fucking just randomly, I saw that shit. You know, always see that. Not just because you're black, you're a funny guy, you're original man, and I wish you the best. You're gonna be big, big. I hate you, man. Marble falls, huh? Yeah. How far is that? 45 minutes in the wrong direction. I'm pretty sure 45 minutes any direction in Austin's the wrong direction. I see what I got the airport, because you need to get the fuck over. That shit was terrifying. I thought he was gonna get pulled over the whole time, and I don't want to get, because the cops in Texas, these niggas is like fourth generation cops. Like, they was like, my daddy was a sheriff, and his daddy was a sheriff. And I don't want no nigga with the athletic ability to see that I'm doing crime. Just let y'all know he's saying these niggas, he meant police, okay? Oh yeah, shut up. The police. The police lobby. Y'all good, y'all good, bro, I'm so about the other ones. What's the worst run in with the cops that you've had that jerk? Shit nigga. These, they, all right, I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I do deserve to get caught doing crime. Especially if you smile. That's it, that's it. So we was still in from the, we was still in from like the gas station when we was kids. And we thought we could run away, but they don't teach you as a kid. You can't outrun a cop car, and that nigga just pulled over there. He pulled me and my brothers over there like slammed us on the ground. We were like seven, eight years old. And it's the old time. He was like, what did you take? And I was like, aw, nigga, I took him some gum, and he was like, bro, I can see your pockets. And I didn't see that time. I had like flamin' hot Cheetos and one pocket. I had a hole. So I was like, nigga, that's the easiest. They, they, they can't saw me. I wasn't a good stealer. So I started selling drugs. Started selling drugs at seven or eight years old. Yeah, they need them. The hustle starts early. Amazing. Dedric is, Dedric is from Atlanta. Georgia, you have any history in Atlanta? About did I want to talk about? You did. We, um, you had did the Lava School one time. And I came out because your Hansa Collins brought me out to the Lava School. And I had did that Oreo joke and you was, you know, when I walked back there, I said, nigga, it was dying, laughing at Joe Jokes. And I cried in the green room until you walked back in because, uh, I was laughing at Joe Joke. Yeah. Yeah. You loved it. I was really good then too. No, it's safe to say that. I'm telling you, this is something. Yeah. Because, you know, I, uh, you just popped up on my timeline. Yeah. A lot of times I was like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. But then, in the fact that this was the second time that I listened or heard you tell jokes, and I appreciate it. That's not that I'm the fucking God to this shit. But, you know, I, I really appreciate it. Obviously, I've been appreciating what you've been doing for the longest time because I haven't been the Lava School in a long time. Yeah. That was, that was a long time for, girl, because you was, you was pissed off because you wanted the Cowboys to lose so you could talk shit to Shartler, and the God. Exactly. That's your idea. Oh, I'm proud to have a face high chick, don't have an ass. Maybe a lean product wearing this. She be, she be Coco Pop by the fuck. I'm sorry, Charlotte, man, we, we, we, we, we're, we're not odds with each other. Yeah, Trevor Wallace, what is it like to be inside of an Oreo cookie right now? That'd be double stuff, yeah. I feel like I'm in a Cuck situation right here. There's a place you can go that back and forth. You got deaf comedy jam to your sides and blind comedy jam behind you. Deadrick, you are the fucking man, we're going to keep it moving. Deadrick's done it again. Deadrick did it again. Deadrick did it again. Onward, we go. Oh, look at this name. This looks new and interesting. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It has been Chenzel Marascio. Benchenzel Marascio. I got a confession to make, guys. The first time I ever heard of LGBTQ plus. I thought it was like a fancy way of saying, I want everything on my burger. Turns out it's a fancy way of saying you love everything up your ass. I'm from the East Coast and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks, yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich? When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now. Yeah, I really didn't know that guy was gay until about a week later. He texted me. He was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboys football game? That was it. That's been my time. Thank you guys. Benchenzel, matter I see you. Marascio. I was the most interesting way to come out of the closet I ever see to my life. You should have just opened up with some. Okay. Yeah, it was interesting. It was almost all gay sandwich themed. First joke was about a burger. The next one was about a sandwich, but both were gay jokes. Not gay, and if you want to know something crazy, I've only ever eaten black pussy. Really? Yeah. I slept with white girls just never got around eating their pussy. How did you get around to eating a black pussy? I hooked up with a lot of black chicks. A lot of black chicks. I like me. I like them. It's better seasoned. Yeah. Yeah. That's the flavor. Red bam. I shouldn't be laughing at a shit, but that was fun. So how many black pussies do you think you beat? And why do I feel like you're talking about actual cats? Probably three dozen, but yeah, definitely. Three dozen black pussies? Yeah. How many a dozen is? The majority of chicks I've hooked up with are black. Yeah. I think you can say it. Yeah. Some of them do while we do. Yeah, at times. Wow. You think you've eaten ballpark 36 black pussies? 100%. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. But not one white one. No. How many white women do you think you've had sex with? Not a lot less than 10. Less than 10. How many black women do you think you've had sex with? Probably close to 50. Wow. Where are you? I mean, I want to see if you're selling two. Oh, here it is. This fit is just said just right here. The black of the berry. Sweet of the juice. Yes, he's ahead some black pussies. Oh, come on. That's entry level. Let's do another one. Wu Tang, plant. All right. Well, you get the covers. Oh, you know what? Let's end this game. Uh, Jesus Christ almighty. This shows out of fucking control. Makes me wonder how many black pussies Randolph Davies is eating. So how many black pussies have you? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. We could call it a three. We could call it a three. I'm going to space that way. How many black pussies have you? Don't space it that way. Vintenzio shut the fuck up. What do you do for work? I work at the Vulcan now. Oh, you work at the Vulcan gas company. Uh, you're a door guy there. Yep. Okay. What did you do before that? I sell sports cards and Pokemon cards and stuff like that. Pokemon cards. And that got you black pussy. Yeah. You ever seen a holographic bitch? Nope. I got a supplier for the Labubus. Wow. Okay. Ingenzi of. Ingenzi. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes. What do we have here? Ingenzi. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes. What do we find out during that interview? Uh, just that I've been working out. I lost almost a hundred pounds recently. How did you do that? Thank you guys. How did I do it? Yeah. Only eating black pussy. Yeah. Literally. She gets stressed out. It loses her weight. How did you lose the weight? Running and eating salad. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Salads are chick-fly. Salads at chick-fly. Salads at chick-fly. Yeah. Well, I can feel it. Because I've been on the road doing a little bit of comedy and stuff, trying to eat healthy, fucking get salads at fast food places, try to do shit like that. Do a smart shit you can now. Fuck, eat a bunch of black pussy, too. Okay. Is there anything else interesting about you? It was Star. It was not a lot of black pussy in his audience, right? I did get two beautiful white girls to show me their tits in front of the sunset strip. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. They're not homeless tits. They're not homeless tits. Everyone loves homeless tits. They're like only fans, girls, fans, liar, whatever. Yeah. Fucking, it was dope. Alright, benchins. Ellie James and- Okay. Alright, benchins. There. They're like, let's go on a BBQ. They're like, you hit. I'd bench going to want to see their tits. How'd you get them to show it and talk slowly. They- So they asked me how many black pussy sides had eaten. No. They asked- Here is a little black joke book. You can munch on later. There he goes. Inchenzio Marasio. We're going to keep it moving along here. All right, we're having fun here. This is a three word name. Mixed with noise for Jerry Dibo Smith. Jerry Dibo Smith, everyone. Thank you so much. Thank you, folks. I like the eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass-calling the groceries. That's not groceries. That's chitin' us and you niggas need to stop. That is chitin' us. I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know where the clutter is is, but I do. And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is if I can smell it, before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell them that they pussy stink like they don't know. Like, did you knew that pussy smell like a 91 degree day in Puerto Rico before you came over here? And the second one is if you ever had an abortion, you always lose people on that part. But fuck that, somebody got murdered in there. Y'all know niggas don't fuck around in haunted houses. My tongue, my choice, bitch. Thank you. There you go, Jerry Dibo Smith. Were you gonna do a pussy eating joke before? Yeah, this shit, when he was talking about pussy, like he gets something at all. He says that he does. He says that he's eating 36 black pussies. What do you think about that, you? I think he's a white liar. Ha, ha, ha. And y'all believe that shit. Look at that fat motherfucker, he ain't no black pussy. Do you eat black pussy? Exclusively. You've never eaten a white pussy? Hell no. And you say hell no like that. Why? Because a couple of months ago, I seen a TikTok where they asked the white girl, if you take a shower on Wednesday, when the next time you take a shower, it has been saying Friday, fuck that shit. Because of one. No, white women don't wash every day, fuck that shit. You think that's a thing? I know that's a thing. White women, is that true? Of course they gonna say it, why they on camera? Them bitches didn't know a crabby patty. That was a split decision. They do stripper showers though, where they take like butt wipes and clean out. Okay, red band. That's not good, and that's why your eyes look like that. Do look a little inflamed. A little swollen. A little bit swollen. Jerry DeBosmith, what do you do for work? I'm just a comedian, I was all I do for work. Love that. How long you been doing it? 15 years. 15 years, we're at, what part of the floor? It's Antonio. Oh, San Antonio. I'm originally from Washington, DC. What's up, brother? I'm going on, brother. All right, why, why come you guys said, hi like that after DC was brought up? That's the city, chocolate city, baby. Okay. Don't let them in and out. I'm not fucking with him. Jerry DeBosmith. So your middle name is DeBos, my nickname, and I just used that for my stage name. It's your what name? My nickname. I thought you said something else. DeBosmith is my middle name. Yeah, so we call that's the government. You like, I have friends, I don't even know who they real name was, like two years later. One of my friends name is, his name is 40. They call him Jermaine. And his girl was like, have you seen Jermaine? I was like, who the fuck is Jermaine? I know 40. But in the black community was like, this what's your government? If I asked your government, what are you responding with? My government is Jerry DeBosmith. See, that's the real name. What's your government? Fuck you. Donnell Maurice Rollace. I left the black community years ago, I said fuck. I got too confused. I'm confused in this shit. Yeah, oh my God. So Jerry, you're born and raised in, or you started in DC, what they do? Well, I started in San Antonio. I started a laugh out loud comedy club, but I've been living this in 2010, and that's when I started. What made you move this San Antonio? My dad, my brother was in the military, and he left, and then he had a baby then San Antonio and stayed there, and my dad moved down there, so I just moved once I got divorced, because I was running from a terrorist. Mm. You know something? Is that just a girlfriend? That's ex-wife, I was married. Baby mama? No, ex-no, I ain't had no kids with this bitch, you crazy? You married her, and you didn't have kids with her? Thank God. Wow, how did that happen? I bought the grace of God, won't he do it? Wow. You're fooling he will. You're full black? No, I remember I told y'all that's on my mama's white. My mama's white, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Your dad was darkest shit. My dad is purple. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. I'm like, I know, I had no idea. And y'all laughing just for my mama's white, that's why my daddy stayed. He's still alive, God damn it. Wow, that's incredible. You still have a relationship with your mom? My mom passed away in 1995. We had this conversation, sir. Oh, we did? How did she pass away? Buh, buh, buh, buh. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Here it comes. I was waiting for fucking red band to do it, like he did the last time, is it? You got to say how she died, as Jenny does. She didn't even fail you. She passed away, uh, kicking disease. I know what he was going to do. I just did it before he did it, because I only wanted to kick his ass off to the show. Wow, amazing. OK, so dad's still fine. Yeah, dad's fine for now, yeah. He's fine. He just, he's in dialysis right now, actually, two East 76 dialysis for his kidneys and messing up. He'll be happy. He's got already knew he was going to this nigga. Still ain't got no sleeves on. The sleeveless samurai has added again. He is. What was the last real job that you had, Jerry D. Bebo Smith? I delivered furniture for errands for errands for like seven years. But after that, if you want to consider the real job, I worked the door at Laugh out loud for 10 years. Oh, wow. OK, I worked with this nigga a couple of times, too. Me and him did a show a couple of times. OK, I'll remember niggas. Right. This is a block for you, you're for me, right? Incredible. All right, Jerry. Well, fun times. You did it again. You get a big joke, but I'll take the next one. Take another one. Very, very dark black one, just like your dad. Then on we go. Should be the final bucket pool of the night, I do believe. And what a name it is. Make some noise for Ralphie Debar Tender. Ralphie Debar Tender. Here's Ralphie Debar Tender. So a couple months ago, I got a home depot. I looked for a dude. And he didn't really come with a green card, but a really long kink card. So we started dating. And thanks for going pretty good. The other night, we're having a really intimate, deep discussion. He's giving me the reassurance that you want, and that you need a new relationship. He's like, I love you forever and ever and always. Amen. I'm like, King Gowdy, did you just bring your faith into this? How could you know, are you? And later that night, he's actually trying to put me on the dinner table. And can you blame him? You know, boy, he's got to eat. And he's getting all sex with me, rubbing up on me and whatnot. And he's like, who's your man? And so immediately I set up and I look him dead in the eyes. And I'm like, are one and only, Lord and Savior. Jesus Christ. Amen. So he came, which is pretty cool. Because before this relationship, I really wasn't that religious. But apparently we pray every night now, because our men's are new say-forward. Thank you. I'm Ralphie. Ralphie DeBartini. Oh, man. Golden ticket. All right. Ralphie. Am I saying that right? Yes. Ralphie. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? About a little less than six months. Six months. Perfect. That's a good answer for what that set was. I love it. What made you want to start stand-up six months ago? I've been wanting to do it for 10 years, but last year, now divorced. And been doing cool new shit? Nice. What made you get a divorce? Motherfucker. The wrong ones? And he tried to kill me. So really, how did he try to do this? I noticed it's wrong, but what did you say? I just can't jump to good. What did you do, no, I'm joking. Started moving out early. Nice. So how long were you in that relationship for? Six years. Six years. And once you got out of it, that's when you realized you could start stand-up comedy. Yeah, doing a lot of bigger things and just stand-up as well, just kind of blossoming. I started doing stunt doubling for motorcycle work. Oh, cool. How have you been riding motorcycles? About 3,000 miles, so I'm still pretty fresh. OK. A time limit, what do you get in the factor here? Is it how long? Not how far. That's too long. I'm a mechanic. I don't know. My mechanic had my bike for over a year when I first got it, so it's been a while. It's hard. It's easier to say my life. I think there's something about this story you're not telling us. Which part? This relationship. It was a husband? Common law. Yeah. You cheated on him? Fuck no. He cheated on you. Yeah. With girls that look like his mom, so you can't compete. Was he Mexican? No, white. We have a brand new man for you. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. He doesn't see color. And he won't walk out on you, OK? So, Ralphie, tell us more about your life. What else is interesting about you? I'm a welder. I'm a mechanic. Jim enthusiast started acting recently. Interesting. You were raised by a single father? No, he died. He died? Here. How did he die? Laced batch of H. Oh. B<|en|> That's not all he's doing by it and shit, right? Damn. That sucks. You have a lot of siblings? Nope. Only child? Yeah, I have two brothers. One's adopted and the other one's half-blood. They're not as cool as I am. Wow. I didn't know Mexican was a dog kid. Is your mom Mexican? No, my mother's white. Oh, there you go. Yeah, for God's sake. But it's not for good. Your dad was Mexican? Yes. And your mom's white. Yep. You still close with your mom? No, fuck that bitch. Why fuck that bitch? We don't got all night, Tony. Really? Have you ever thought with all these relationships that you might be the problem? You sound just like my therapist right now. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Really do you go to the therapist? I do. Nice. I can't wait to tell her about all this tomorrow. Yeah, the man in-capacity is going to hit hard after this. Where have you ridden this motorcycle at? What's the craziest place you've driven to? Just in Corpus. I mean, they're having horrible driving. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You're ripping with a woman before you? Red band. How could you tell? Look, I believe this is our first female comedian of the night. You can't just, every time there's a lady up here, sexually harass her with questions like that. Have you been with a woman before? Ha, ha, ha. See the fifth, but yeah. Well, let me tell you. She does some mechanic work in the bitch. Ride motorcycles. Get some tell by the face. What? Oh, red band. Ralphie, fun times. You got to keep working it. You're only six months in. Keep riding. Keep trying. There's a little joke book. Ralphie Debar Tender. Ladies and gentlemen, that is what appears to be her name. Ralphie Debar Tender. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we had a good night tonight or what, huh? Woo! So we have a special treat for you. William couldn't make it, Ari Maddie couldn't make it, Timmy couldn't make it. But I'm excited about how we're closing tonight's show. And I think you will be, too, because I believe that this is the future of Kiltoni. This young man has only been on the show once before any one golden ticket at 21 years old. Ladies and gentlemen, I think he's the future of the show. I think he's the future of comedy. And I'm positive he's the future of musical comedy. Make some fucking noise. For Tony Scar, everybody. Tony Scar to close out the night show at the age of 21. How are you doing, folks? Woo! Folks, what if I told you there was a place where brilliant minds could collide? Where you could be drowning in pussy, even if you're only the size of big mic. Celebrities around every corner and women that want you bad. Nothing but nines and tens, folks. Would you be interested in that? Well, welcome to Epstein's Island. I'm sure you won't forget it. I'm trying not to get sued here, so everything I say is a legend. It's always perfect weather. I wonder who controls that. Probably the guy is with the BDIs and one fourth of a hat. If Bill Clinton comes and under four minutes, there's four more weeks of winter. But he only comes in Asian women, or as he likes to call them, squinters. In his bathroom there was a black mjit taking a bath. It was the world's first, sobbing wet, three fifths of one half. Trump was at the table tricking Muslims into eating pork. He was sitting on JD Vance, and JD Vance was on all force. They were eating with Anthony Fauci, and right before they prayed, Fauci turned into a fucking bath and flew away. It was Christ. Biden slept with a prostitute, and after they had sex, she stepped onto the balcony to smoke a candy cigarette. Stephen Hawking was on the treadmill yelling, ran, ran, ran. Until I hit his e-jacked button and he flew across the roof. There was an Arabic stripper. She didn't take cash. She preferred that I threw rocks. She stripped down as much as a Muslim can. She took her socks halfway off. There was a black stripper, a smoke show with beautiful, ebony skin. She stripped all her clothes off and stripped all the pain off, and then she was white again. And I couldn't believe she did black face. That's racist. That's fucked. So I only paid her half price when she read it all the makeup. I got dragged to the island by my friend Leanne, she had a tampon in her purse, but no game plan. There was ragged ball and pinball and badminton too, and not a single ball that left the island was blue. But I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to miss the show. Ever since I was a young, young boy, I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had a fear of missing out. I didn't want to go. But I had foam. Oh, everybody. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. Whoa. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I had foam. I didn't want to go. But I didn't want to miss the show. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Randolph Davies is plugging adam Ray comedy dot com Adam Ray is on tour. How about one more time for the great Tony scar Tony Everything good man house house life changed for you since becoming a big fancy Dude everything was good up until last night last night was fucking I bit my tongue really hard last night I'm horrible eating pussy dude. I don't know I Don't know how that happened. I am I had a really bad sex experience recently what happened? It was really I was going back to a girl's RV because you know what's a house if it isn't also a car right and I was back at her place and she wanted to fuck but she made me wear a condom and I didn't bring a condom because Fellas know that if you don't bring a condom you don't got a fucking use one right that's how it works. That's how it works I probably wasn't supposed to tell everybody that That's my bet, but I went back to her place and she was like you can use my condom and she pulled on a magnum condom And I'm not a magnum kind of guy Tony I'm not so that was that was it's not like putting your dad's t-shirt on you know what I mean? I was like a toothpick in a Ziploc bag. It was tough Yeah, that's yeah, but besides that I mean everything's been great I still have about hard time getting booked around town, but I got managers and agents now I got women hitting my line, which is awesome. Yeah, it's fucking fantastic mostly 30-year-old women Which is great because that's my fucking that's my bread and butter bro. Yeah Dude this guy would get plowed on Epstein's island. Hold it. Yeah, I Was there been flesh played but you were there. I was there. Yeah, I was on the silver platter with an apple in my mouth dude Amazing Tony you are so funny the music is just absolutely incredible every line every reference You are a true star. Thank you very much brother amazing Tony star ladies and gentlemen This episode brought you by Bluetooth talk space and Shopify guys I love this man with all my heart. How loud can this place get for the great Don L. Rawlings everybody I love him He is on tour see him Don L. Rawlings dot com trust me He's one of the best Sandups in the world go see him don L. Rawlings dot com have a one more time for the great Trevor Wallace everybody Check out his special April first on his YouTube that's YouTube dot com slash Trevor Wallace Find you part two from the Killtony band is out everywhere Heidi Regina dot com OZI makes our amazing joke books check out our incredible line of merch at killmerch dot com The drawing from Ryan G belt is amazing don L. Rawlings and Trevor Wallace Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa. It's fucking Jeremy the great Adam Ray character Jeremy How about one more time for Randolph Davies debut tonight And Pat O'Neal both of them winning golden tickets Great man coming to San Diego American comedy code dot common June. Thank you. Yeah, don't forget We are at the into a dome in Los Angeles in the month of May making our return to LA Doing a real killtony episode for one night only that's at the into a dome in front of 17,500 people at once it started in the belly room in front of 15 people and now 17,500 Yeah, we love you guys. Thank you guys Good night everybody You You