Most of us have kids who give up when learning gets hard. That's why I encourage you to check out ixl.com slash Kirk. ixl is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12, whether they're struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. Kids love ixl's positive feedback, awards, and educational games. ixl encourages kids to find joy in learning through video tutorials that guide your child in the way they learn best. Each activity on ixl helps your child build up the determination to push through challenges and feel a tangible sense of accomplishment. And ixl's extensive content library empowers kids to explore their interests and take charge of their own learning journey. Make an impact on your child's learning, get ixl now. Comparenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an ixl membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash Kirk. Visit ixl.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. Casey gives me a hard time because I'm not fashion conscious, but he did admit I was way ahead of the curve with cozy earth. And now his friends are addicted to it. I bought my first cozy earth bamboo sheets, comfort, or pullovers five years ago way before they became a sponsor and they still look and feel new. Behind the cozy earth comfort is craftsmanship and attention to detail. Cozy earth sheets and comfortors and socks and blankets are as durable as they are comfortable. And nothing is as comfortable as a cozy earth comforter. These comfortors are so incredibly soft, naturally breathable and temperature regulating. They will comfort you physically and emotionally. Discover their supreme comfort craftsmanship and heavenly softness for yourself. Head to cozy earth.com and use my code calm for up to 20% off. I will race you right now to cozy earth.com and use code calm for 20% off. And please tell them that the calm guy sent you. So you have kids who are going to do things in a way that really irritates you. You have kids who are going to do things in a way that you don't approve of or not the way you want them to. Your little kids when they clean up a mess they use good clothes clean clothes to do it. Or two kids are using really your nice pillows off the sofa in order to body slam each other outside ruining the pillows. A daughter cuts her bangs. Your teen or tween stays up all night long to do a project. And I have a challenge for you this week. I want you to be able to turn irritating situations into bonding ones. And I have been waiting for weeks to share with you. So that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the calm parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin founder celebrate calm. You can find us in our winter sale at celebrate calm.com. So here's such a cool story. Now this is for older kids. But then I will apply this to toddlers elementary age. Whatever ages your kids are. So a mom had written and set and told me this story. She said I was I woke up in the middle of the night. And I saw that the light was on in my daughter's bedroom at 2 a.m. And I knew it was happening. She was up she was up completing a project that should have been completed many days before. And she said I was so frustrated with her. And I wanted to go in and I wanted to lecture her and and and get all over her. But instead she said actually went to my bathroom. I pulled up this the app with your programs and I just started listening because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I knew I needed to reset and I found this section where you were kind of talking about this. And she said I went back to sleep and I got up in the morning. Now here's what the mom said she wanted to say. You know what honey? If you would have just started on Tuesday, you would have had it done on time. You need to learn to be more organized and proactive. And I can actually show you how to do that. You know what you're going to be tired all day long and probably crabby now. There was no need for you to stay up all night like that. That's what you that's what your child is expecting to hear. And 999,999 parents will handle it that way. I want you to be the one who is different. So here's what this amazing mom did because she fought her own anxiety and control issues. And all of those feelings of like why does my daughter have to do it like this? Why does she make things so difficult on herself? And why does she cost me so much anxiety? Instead the mom got up. Her daughter came downstairs. She gave her daughter a fist bump and said, you know what? That was clutch. You got your project done. You stayed up until the middle of the night when it was done. You were consciententious. You cared about it enough to battle being tired and staying up. You were focused late at night. You got it done and I'm proud of you. And she said the look on her daughter's face was priceless. And her daughter said, but mom, aren't you mad at me? And the mom said, look, some of this you're just going to have to fight through because inside you are frustrated and irritated. But the mom said, why would I be mad at you? You got it done. You just didn't do it the way I would have done it. But you did get it done. You were clutch. You came through under pressure. You were focused and conscientious. It's well done. And mom walked away. Now here is the really cool thing and why I've been waiting because what I told the mom is your daughter will eventually come to you and say, mom, I don't want to be up till the middle of the night every time doing these. Can you help me? Well, it is now three weeks later, which is not bad because I told the mom it could be three months. It could be sometime it could be three years from now. But the daughter came to her because she had set along the way. Hey, mom, she can always look if you need some help with that. If you want to learn how to organize and do that, just let me know sometime. And then you walk out of the room. Well, here's what's really cool. The daughter finally came to her after this happened a couple more times. And said, mom, I'm tired of doing that this way. Can you help me with this? And this was really cool. Now the daughter's asking for help. Remember, we've talked about that in a lecturing series we did about drawing your kids so that they come asking you. And so the mom gave her the ADHD University program and said, honey, I think this is going to help you. And they've had talks about like, hey, this isn't some, this isn't a disorder. There's nothing wrong with your brain. It just works differently. And time management will probably never be your strong suit. But you have to learn how to manage your energy because you work on momentum. You're a highly sensitive person. So you feel things deeply. And so they had this amazing talk now about how the daughter's brain works. They had a great talk about the fact that the mom's brain works in a very different way. And she's kind of more of a left brain, very, very project manager person. And so what the mom said is previously, it would have just been her lecturing, getting on her daughter. Her daughter would have shut down. Once again, felt like I'm a failure. I can never please my parents. I'm not as good as my brother. And instead, they're having this conversation. Now the daughter is starting to take ownership over this herself because she's understanding how her brain works. So I know when I go through this, there's going to be questions. Well, aren't you just excusing her behavior and answers? No. The daughter in this situation already knows that it's suboptimal to wait until the last night, to wait until 2 a.m. But what she didn't realize and didn't know was she does this for a couple of reasons. One, you're really sensitive kids. There's sense of all the chaos and commotion in the house. And sometimes they stay up late at night because that's after everybody goes to bed. And they can think more clearly. They can process information more clearly when it's kind of just quiet like that. And there's also a brain stimulation issue. Procrastination is a tool. It's not always my favorite or the best tool, but it is an effective tool. Because when you procrastinate, wait till the last minute. Now you have a very definitive time limit and there's pressure and that adrenaline rush brings blood flow to the brain and actually helps you concentrate. So now watch the mom is getting to teach her daughter. This is why you did it. It's not because you're lazy and careless and you don't follow through. It's like, no, this is this is how your brain works. But now I can teach you a way to get that brain stimulation in more productive and healthy ways. So you don't have to wait until the last night till two o'clock in the morning. See, and there's also like, well, aren't you going to give our consequence? Well, no, she already has a consequence, which is she is tired. There's no need to pile on here on this child. And here's what's really cool. The mom in this case, you just spoke truth. You said, hey, you did come through in the last minute. You were conscientious and focused at 2 a.m. you got it done. And that allowed her because the mom was able to step out of her own anxiety over like, oh, my daughter is going to do this. What's going to be like in the future and the own anxiety of like, I really want the job done more quickly because sometimes his parents is like, please get that done because then I can kind of mentally check it off of my list. And she had to step out of her own control issues over how she would do it. And that's really powerful. And then guess what happens now a few weeks later, I know we wanted the daughter that day to say, mother, could you please show me a different way to do my projects? It came, but it came a few weeks later when the daughter was ready. I love that. So what if you have younger kids, let's go through some different situations. And I want to give you some insight that's really important for your strong will kids for you to understand them. So here's another kind of real life example of these two boys who they like to wrestle a lot. And one day when no one was looking, they took the good pillows off the sofa and they got duct tape and they tied the pillows to themselves. So they could go outside and wrestle and throw themselves against each other without getting hurt. Well, what happens? Well, they kind of ruined the pillows and they're all dirty. And so the natural response of any parent is, what are you guys? What were you thinking? Like what were you thinking? Now you ruined my pillows and see that now we go down that negative route. So does that mean we just say, you know guys, I love when you ruin my stuff. No, but my first step is to just control myself for a moment and take the get the larger picture, larger perspective. That's partly why I like to be calm is because it slows my world down inside. So I can see situations in a different way. There will be a consequence for this. But the first thing I want to tell my kids is, hey, awesome job being outside playing together. Because how many of us we complain they're on their screens all the time. Why won't you go out and play? And then when they do go out and play, they don't do it in a way you want because they get dirty and messy or they throw something in a neighbor's house. So, hey, you guys were outside playing. That was really smart. You knew that you were going to throw yourselves at each other and wrestle. So you did it in a really safe way. That's a really creative solution to that. Well done. And again, just think your kids, they don't think things through. That's why consequences are very limited, especially for younger kids because they don't stop in that moment and think, huh? Let's think this through, brother or sister. Do you think mom or dad will be upset at us if we do that? They don't they're impulsive because that's what you're supposed to be when you're a kid, impulsive and go do stuff. And so they know after they get done playing when mom or dad comes out, the pillows are ruined. So when you first come out and you're like, hey, nice job playing outside. That was smart. You didn't get hurt, very creative. It's like, here's another part before we get to the consequence. It gives you some insight. These are kids who have some sensory processing needs. It makes their bodies feel settled in order to get that physical pressure. So that gives you an opportunity now to say, hey, if I don't want my kids using the pillows throwing themselves at each other, I can sign them up for martial arts class getting involved in rock climbing. Just had a parent whose son wanted to do ballet and just think about that. Just think in ballet how intense that is and that physical pressure on your body. Man, that's really, really healthy swimming ice hockey. It's our son did because he liked to throw himself at other kids, you know, shoveling mulch in the backyard doing that heavy work is really good for them. Now you don't just have to be some permissive parenting. Oh, I just love it when my boys are creative and destroy my house. It's not what I'm saying. So at the end of this, you can say, hey, guys, love your creativity. I love how that happened, but you just ruined, destroyed the two pillows. And so you're going to have to do some chores around the house in order to earn some money to pay for replacement pillows. There's nothing mean about that. There's nothing that that's appropriate because you did encourage them. You recognized all the good things, but you're also saying, hey, next time, think it through a little bit more or come tell me, hey, mom, we want to throw ourselves at each other. You got a better way to do that without ruining your pillows. You could also go to a thrift store, which I love and buy stuff there that they can now use or have them buy it because it's really cheap there. So that in the future, when they want to do things and destroy something, it's just something you got from a thrift store. What about the same thing, like, right, little girl or little boy, this was me when I was a little kid. I don't know why when I was a little kid, I got scissors and I just cut my hair. And then I hid in the cabinet underneath the sink. My mom couldn't find me. This is back in the day, like, parents had like, she had like four boys within six years, so she lost count of us. But anyway, same thing, right? Like daughter made a mess trying to cut her bangs. They're not going to look right. So child's going to be embarrassed. You might be embarrassed. And again, you come in and in this case, I'm a little bit curious. And instead of honey, what were you thinking? Now we're going to have to blah, blah, blah, blah. It's not everything is shame because sometimes when kids make bad choices, like, hey, you just made a bad decision. There's no shame there, but there's a consequence for that. That's perfectly fine. But in this case, I'd be curious about it. Like, why did you want to cut your bangs? Was it the sensory feel of it? Was it just that it was something new when you were bored? Figure that out, but there's different ways you can handle these situations. It was like little kids who get food out and they just make their own dinner or their own meal. Well, what happens? They're going to make a mess out of everything. They're probably not going to do it the right way. It's like the toddler who puts twist ties in his shoes. So he doesn't have to learn how to tie his shoes. Your kids just do things in different ways. And so this coming week, what I want you to do is pause. Just stop before you react. It doesn't mean you're going to be inside like, I just love that my kids make messes and do things wrong. But with the kid who made something say, hey, I like your initiative. I like the creativity. I like that you are wanting to be independent. That's what it is. I like that you wanted to be independent and do this yourself. Now there's going to be a mess all over the counter. And instead of this my own personal opinion, you have every right to say, Hey, you made the mess. You clean it up. But my experience says strong will kids are just not going to do that. So you put on some music and say, you know what? Let's celebrate your independence and your creativity and that you gave that a shot. I'll help you clean up, which means you're going to do most of it. And then I can show you and start teaching you how to cook for yourself in these situations. Now you're starting to teach your kids how to be responsible for themselves. The girl that stayed up till 2 a.m. Just think of what we learned from that. And how we were able to build her up and say, Hey, you are clutch under pressure. And then teaching her how her brain works. I want you to do that with your little kids. Hey, here's why you did that because you have a natural need for your brain to be stimulated. So you can either do it this way hitting your brother, but you're just going to lose your stuff and get in trouble. Or if you've got a really big heart, I can show you different ways to get brain stimulation doing something else. So here's the ins, so let's try that this week. Here's the insight I want to give you into these kids. And I did it. It's not enough to do like an entire podcast on it, but it relates to this. Your kids will often, strong will kids will often choose a different area in which to excel in life. And I'll give you an example. So growing up, I was really good athlete playing ball sports. So of course become a dad, go to son. I wanted to play ball sports. Guess what? He's not very good at it. He ends up choosing ice hockey, which is skating and he skis really well. Guess what are two things I'm not good at doing? Skating and skiing. Now, did he do that on purpose? I don't know. I think it's probably subconscious because I've noticed this in most of the families that I've worked with is the child will choose an area. That's their own because you know what my son knew is no matter what he did. He would never really be able to please me or live up to my expectations with ball sports because I was really into it. So he chose other areas. And now I can't lecture him. It's not me teaching him how to do those things. It's actually the reverse, which is he's teaching me how to ski. And so, so you'll find I found this in family sometimes where you have like two highly educated parents, right? Both doctors or have masters degrees doctorates. The child knows, look, I can never I can never exceed your expectations. I can't even live up to them. So they kind of shut down because they want their own area. So what I encourage you to do is one is be aware of that and let your kids shine in an area that is not yours. And I also want to encourage you this week. Let's pick a behavior or a situation that comes up or that irritates you a lot. Flip around the script in your brain to from why can't they do it my way? Why do they always have to do it this way and begin doing a couple things? One is ask why do they do it the way they do it? Slow your world down. Be a detective this week. You will learn about what motivates your child about how their brains work so that you can work with their nature. And instead of letting your own anxiety and control issues dump all over them so that they feel like the bad kid or the kid who can never please you. Now look at situations and say, ah, that's why they're doing it that way. Because if you can acknowledge that and affirm that and then teach your child and say, oh, I know exactly why you're laying upside down. Off the sofa because when you do that blood flow rushes to your brain. That's actually really good for your brain and it helps you concentrate. Here are five other ways in order to you can stimulate your brain and do homework more easily. This is why you stay up late at night that procrastination. Do that this week and then what happens is your kids begin to look to you as a source of wisdom as someone they trust. Because you're just not commenting all the time on negative what they're doing wrong. You're saying, oh, man, I've never thought to do it that way. Now I figured out why you do that. Be curious and say, I am curious. Why did you do it that way? Because it seems to work for you. It's just different than I would do it. Now you can problem solve and teach them. Okay, you've got your goal. Find an irritating behavior. Flip the script around. And let's begin affirming and teaching our kids. I do encourage you. Let your kids listen to the podcast. If you have our programs on the app, we can even if you have older kids who have their own phone, we can send Casey straight talk for kids program, the ADHD University program, the stronghold child program, any of them. We can send them directly to your child or just play them in the car. Because then your kids begin to hear, oh, that guy's describing me. That's how my brain works. So there's nothing wrong with my brain. No, it just works differently than other kids do or the teachers brain works or mind works. So how can we do this the way it works for you? Have those discussions. It's really cool. Okay, mom's and dad's respect you so much for working so hard to change. If we can help you anyway, let us know. Okay, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.
