Sara Bareilles asks about ripe bananas

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking for happy hour specials when you're out for an early dinner. That's an unforced error. You're telling me mozzarella sticks are half off. I would have ordered twice as many. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. All state North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Who's planning a trip to Provincetown this year? P-Town has so many fun theme weeks for everyone LGBTQ+. Pride, Girl Splash, Bear Week, Family Week, plus Carnival and Trans Week. Provincetown is a beautiful mosaic of cultures where everyone is welcome. Bask in the sun and sand at the beaches of Herring Cove and Race Point. Tour the dunes, blaze the bike trails, and walk the trails of the national seashore. If you're searching for an adventure filled with pride, then you are ready for Provincetown. I can't wait to go myself and see everything P-Town has to offer. Provincetown is a haven for artists, art collectors, and admirers, as Provincetown is the oldest continuous American art colony. Visit the Provincetown Art Association and Museum with flourishing contemporary artists and the exquisite art galleries all over town. From Boston, you hop on a fast ferry for 90 minutes. The ferries run from mid-May through mid-October. So book your trip now. For more info, go to ptowntourism.com, the official guide to Provincetown. That's ptowntourism.com. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers! Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm Mae Martin. I'm joined by my co-hosts, Tig Notaro. And Fortune Beamster. And we're coming to you from the Good Hands studio. Yeah. Presented by Allstate. That's right. Yes, Allstate. We love Allstate. Allstate presented us with this studio. They sure did. They have been so good to the handsome pod. And we really, really appreciate their support. Yes. So, yeah. Thank you, Allstate, for supporting our pod. Yes. And for the pillows. Mm-hmm. My gosh. It's lovely to see you both. And IU. You're curled up like a little. And IU, too. Mm-hmm. And me, us. Look at y'all sitting over there. Yeah. Do you feel like you're a couples therapist? I do. Do you guys need to talk to me about anything you're going through? I am going through something that's not great what is it with May or in life no in life no you're fine we're fine we are fine for now but if you really want to know I do that's what the pod's for to chat about anything our little kitty Fluff has cancer oh fuck yes i'm sorry thank you she has uh cancer in her intestines and um but the good news is we have her on steroids and she's up and walking around again and eating food and um and then she starts chemo oh my god yeah cat chemo cat chemo yeah cat chemo so she's our first born and um it's been it's been tough yeah yeah it's been tough but how are the boys handling it um you know they didn't really understand at first because it took us a while to understand that she wasn't doing well because cats sleep a lot yeah but she was sleeping unusually relaxed looking yeah and um that went on for like a week or two where we were like god she's just really zonked yeah and then we were like is she ever leaving this room? Yeah. You know? And when did you see her eat last? And like all of those kind of things, it's just, it's not the same as a dog. Right. You know, especially when you have a busy life. And anyway, so we would just say Fluff was sick. Yeah. And we didn't know what it was. We feared it was that. And then we had a vet come over and he said that her white blood cell count was high. Yeah. And that's not a great sign, but it could be something else. And then she just kind of deteriorated, I think, before one of our recordings. Yeah. She was not, it was bad. It was bad. Like didn't know if she was going to make it through the night. And then we, I decided like we should tell Max and Finn that she, because we didn't know if she was going to die that night. Yeah. We didn't know what was happening. So we told them they were very emotional. Yeah, it was sad. Especially with your losing your first bet, like, really sticks with you. Yeah. And so we were, Stephanie's dad came over to stay with Finn because he didn't want to go to the, it was the middle, it was their bedtime. So he couldn't handle it. But Max was like, I have to go. I want to go. And so he drove with us and I dropped and we dropped Stephanie and fluff off and he wanted to like walk her in and give her a kiss. And then I drove him back home and then I went back and sat with Stephanie and we were there all night. But anyway, you had the talk with them. Yes. And they they understand. But it's sad. Yeah. And so hopefully the chemo will give her another couple of years or something. That would be amazing. Yeah. Yeah. And in the meantime, we've got to treat her like a queen. And we already did. But it happened to be city's wealth. Oh, my gosh. And I have to tell you, or maybe I showed you the picture where she was on top of the chair. I'll have to post that. But she was starting to go in areas that she never was to, like, be alone. And she was sleeping on the top of Max's fluffy chair. And Skip and Linus went and got on that chair, which is not where any of them ever are. yeah they're sticking around yeah that's so nice so sweet that's sweet anyway so um yeah if anyone wants to send some positive vibes to little kitty for sure i'm nervous to get a pet like i i mean it's just inevitable you'll it is inevitable it's the hard part of loving a pet that they just don't get as long of a lifespan and yeah i i mean i used to i know people do this that so i'm not crazy but I used to think about Biggie dying and cry and he's still alive. And I'm like, what am I doing? It's like you start mourning them while they're here because you just know the inevitable of their lifespan. But it is so worth it. It's so worth it. But man, is it painful. Dang, yeah, it is. Also, it's so beautiful that like it's crazy that we think of them as so different to us. And then you get to go through it with them. And it's like, we're all, that's so fleeting. Well, they're just there with you all day. And like the love is unconditional. It's just such a different relationship than with anything else in your life. We're unconditional. Of course. Us? Yeah. God, when we almost lost Biggie, I was like just crying like a baby every day. Yeah. I remember our friend Allison Dunbar is a big animal lover. And she was calling it. I was like, this is why I didn't want to get a dog, because this is so painful. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. No. Oh, my gosh. To have lived this life and not known precious little fluff's face. No way. No way. It's worth it. And we're going to like. Yeah, live it up with fluff. Yeah, live it up with fluff. And how's Ginger doing? She's good. She turned 80. I saw in my baby. Happy birthday, Ginger. Yeah, so I think. That's a massive milestone. It is. And I think she was so happy on the day. Yeah. Because I think just hitting that milestone means so much more to her right now. And I think she's in that space of like any day is a gift. Yeah. And yeah, she had a surgery where they put the radiation balls in her tumor. So in like two months, they'll check them to see if they've worked. the hope of shrinking those big tumors. Yeah. Just trying to get the cancer not to spread is the goal right now. Yeah. But her spirits are good. She's not on chemo at the moment, so she has more energy. She looked good in that picture you posted. Yeah, yeah. The chemo just wrecks your body. I mean, you know, like... I didn't go through chemo. Oh, you didn't? You didn't? I don't think I realized that. No, I just had the double mastectomy, And then I was also sick with C. diff, which is so debilitating that I could barely walk across the living room. And so it just was too much. I couldn't have done it. It's so tough on the body that like she seeing her be so in that state was really hard. But right now she's doing immunotherapy once a month. Okay. She has some energy back. That's great. Yeah. So she's, she's doing good. Awesome. Planning a, an 80th birthday party for her. We couldn't, I couldn't do it on the day because of my filming schedule, but we're going to do it in March. Yeah. March what? My birthday's March 28th. I'm the 24th. Come on, come on to Belmont. Have a double birthday. That's right. My 55th. I'll hire a stripper. You'll hire a stripper. Do you want male or female or both? because she's gonna want mail she's gonna want to see some wiener I'll do it guys I'll be the stripper you'll do it I'll be the stripper that way you get kind of in the middle I think I prefer a male stripper really yeah you don't feel like you're you don't feel like you're um what's the word exploiting not exploiting probably yeah you feel more relaxed with the I just am like, wow, that's hilarious. Look at your body jiggling around, dude. Jiggling around. Yeah. Look at that body jiggling around. Yeah. Yeah, I don't mind a good Magic Mike show or Thunder from Down Under. I want to take a class so badly. What class? How to do Magic Mike dancing. Oh, really? If I take a class. Put that on the list, Thomas. Would you guys let me? That's a lot of thrusting, right? Oh, I forgot about that. Have you seen Bad Buddy in those shorts popping that wiener? Yeah. No. Oh, look it up. Bad Bunny's like, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. I had no feelings about Bad Bunny until the Super Bowl and now I'm in love. You had no feelings? Oh, he's amazing. I was like, he seems really on point with what he says, but oh my god, he's so sexy. He's great. I'm glad you watched those videos of him popping that peen. That's where he became Bad Bunny. Yeah. Bad Bunny popping that peen. it's fun to watch why don't you just get a stripper for your mom i don't need to be there okay maybe i will what do you think she's a stripper oh my god she would she would not like she wouldn't like it she's too demure yeah she's a classy lady she claims to be on the wild side of that stuff but i guarantee you if i got a male stripper to come to the party in belmont she would be so in like red face okay so no not a stripper okay a whole team of strippers like the magic in her yard yeah in her yard just for just look out the window party yeah or post party depending on how many drinks she's had she deserves it get a few drinks in her then send the the dancers over oh maybe she'd like the thunder from down under i think australian would be they're the Australia. No, but hopefully there's enough Australians near Charlotte, North Carolina that they could just form a posse of people. She likes Australians? I don't know, why not? She probably likes an accent, right? She probably likes, if they go razor blades. Here we go again. Jennifer Lopez. I feel like you guys aren't jumping at the idea of me being a stripper for your mom's idiom. Oh, I forgot you said that. I did forget you offered that up. No, you're right. It was right to my mom. Listen, I can fly you to North Carolina. Come on. I do want to party with Ginge, but... In coach. In coach. In coach. In coach. What about with the extra leg room? No. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah. I guess when this comes out, I'll be on a coach, on my tour bus, sleeping on a little... Good segue. You have a tour bus. Yeah, which I've never done that. Have you done that, tour bus? No. I've not ever wanted to. Me neither. It's not been on my bucket list. I need, like, space from the road. I need to, like, go home and reset and then go back. I do. I am. Like, I'm only doing two weeks at a time. And then I come back for, like, ten days or a week. Do you want me to open for you? Would you? Oh, my God. People would love that. Stay on the bus with me? People would go, is Tig okay? how come Tig's opening for May on tour is everyone alright at home for Tig Tig's running away from her problems I'm worried about my routines my face washing there's no shower on the bus so you gotta shower at the venue and then I guess when you get to the new city you can go to a hotel you're gonna shower at the venue I guess May's gotta shower somewhere but May showers twice a day what are you gonna do about that I'm gonna shower in a gym Get a hotel room when I get to the city Oh a hotel that makes sense And then I gonna shower go do the show then maybe shower at the venue after the show Wait you going to have a bus and a hotel room Well you drive all night Yeah I drive all night I was worried I knew I was going to get to you. I love that song. Is that all right? It was such a great line, too. Mm-hmm. Is that all right? Is that all right? That is a good line. Is that all right that I did that? Ask him permission. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to drive all night if it's not okay with you. Yeah. Last thing I want to do is drive all night. I get there and you're like not into it. Not letting you in. You should ask if it's all right. Is that all right? It's all right. But the song is I drove all night. Is that all right? Oh, you're already there. No, you're already there. And it's like, no, it's not all right. You weirdo. You should have told me you're renting a car and driving all night. Like that woman. Oh, it was like that woman, the astronaut who drove across country. In the diaper. I was in that movie. Wait, what? you don't know this story no and i love astronauts and diapers yeah tell the story take you're in the movie well the uh the woman played by natalie portman yeah wow was what a get she okay the she was obsessed with this guy yeah okay this is a true story yeah okay she was a an astronaut okay and so her standards have been much higher i know you think she's really on it and wise i'm forgetting the story but basically she drove all night to get to get to him whether that was all right or not i don't think it was all right but she had no wasn't all right and she wore a diaper so she'd get there faster and not have to stop she's not but it became a story because something i think it was because she had a diaper on also why was she telling people she had a diaper on but i think they only knew that she had a diaper on because she did something illegal right but then the news says okay um and also it's important you all know she had a diaper am i right was it like did she get in trouble like why do we know about this yeah did she show up i should have read the script but yeah it was a long time ago i feel like she did something she wasn't supposed to do yeah legend allegedly oh my god we should have a movie podcast where we try to recap movies that we never saw anything about it. But that we were in. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the dress code before attending a wedding, on the other hand, can be stressful. What does festive boho cocktail chic even mean? Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. You've heard us talk about Hungry Root before, so you know that I love it because it simplifies my life. As a busy parent who's also got a career, Hungry Root has been a game changer for saving time, reducing stress, and reaching my health goals. Unlike other food delivery companies, Hungry Root now has over 50,000 chef crafted recipes to choose from each week with many ready in just 15 minutes or less. 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After my cats rejected kibble for the hundredth time, I realized something had to change. smalls fresh cat food is protein packed recipes made with preservative free 100% human grade ingredients you'd find in your fridge for a limited time get 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash handsome now my cats are still exhausted sausages but they're also contented sausages because they love their smalls cat food so much So stop guessing which meals will upset their stomach. For a limited time, because you are a handsome listener, get 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash handsome. One last time, that's 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash handsome. She did something. I don't think it, I think she drove all night and it wasn't. She was charged with attempted murder. Wow. Oh, right. That was a twist. so she tried all night to murder him and or was it like john ham was in it and i was his friend i think when was this movie it was a while ago wow you were hit john ham's friend and was he the guy you know i don't remember so natalie portman shows up in a diaper john ham goes whoa but if natalie portman is well if she's trying to murder you that's different but i was like if she's driving all night to come to you. That's pretty hot. I thought you were going to say, if Natalie Portman's showing up in a diaper, I can work with that. Yeah, we can figure that out. I don't know. What was the point of... Where did we leave off? I drove all night. Before that tangent? I drove all night. I know, but I took us on a weird road. Were we talking about something else? And then I tried to wedge it. Oh, I was in a movie. And we were like, we get it. You film movies. We get it. You're in a movie no one's aware of. But she was an astronaut? Yeah. I want to know more about this lady. And she worked with him. He was an astronaut too, maybe? I don't know. Yeah, it was like a love triangle situation. Oh, yeah. She tried to kill the new girl for me. Maybe it was already taken. Yeah. Wow. Well, there's apparently a movie out there that takes in if you want to learn more about it. I should have movie night where I watch movies that you've been in. That you've never seen. Do you watch all your movies? Mm-mm. What do you mean? movies all the movies I've been in I've watched no actually that's not true I was in one in the last year I didn't watch and then I haven't watched all the tv I've been in either yeah guys listen I don't want to brag but I've been in a lot of stuff I don't watch my stuff this is crazy you watch all your stuff yeah I'm not in that much so yeah I'm like I'm in a lot of I don't want to brag when I'm in a lot of things you're in a lot of things but imagine telling your teen self you're not even gonna watch that movie i've filmed you go to seasons of things and not watch it you do you go to the premieres and stuff i haven't been to every premiere no wow if i can i will go but sometimes i can't is it because you find watching sometimes she's busy filming another movie she's not gonna watch she can't make it to that but i watch most of the movies do you find it hard watching yourself is that part of it or you're just not into the stuff um i i used to not like it at all now i'm better about it now i don't mind you're a big fan no i love my go back go back if i was like in a like a lot of something i just i don't know yeah i just i saw it in a couple episodes and that was fine yeah i have a hard time watching myself do stand up yeah i think i have more of a hard time watching myself do yeah really okay probably yeah just because my in my head i'm like oh that felt that was so funny then i watched it i was like that wasn't as funny as I thought it was yeah or I think I could if I just focused a little more I or I could have found better words to say that or I was yeah yeah I'm not like I don't want to watch my stand-up really no um you're good I don't know if anyone's told you yeah I don't know I mean I don't know if anyone's told any of us but we're good at stand-up and acting but and podcasting but I yeah I don't know I I find it fascinating when I do watch myself acting because yeah uh seeing whatever little weak moment I have where I'm like I could have done that better yeah or uh or I'm like actually I did that much better than I thought yeah so I feel a little more removed watching me act right because I feel so connected to my stand-up and then you don't want get in your head about about mannerisms or things yeah like we you know you're like i i went through a phase of thinking oh my god i never move on enough on stage i'm just standing there at the mic and then and then i'm going out trying to i'm pacing around i'm like and it's so not me yeah yeah but it is important to watch it from time to time because back in the day i'd be like i'm yelling the punchline a lot yeah maybe simmer down maybe let's simmer down a little bit yelling the punchline oh and here comes the punchline yeah this is good i'm just gonna this will be funnier if i yell it and then he said i had this character that yawns after every punchline they go and can you believe that and that was my uncle and you did that for a while i only did it to my friends i've never done it on stage I just like the idea of a stand up bring it on tour put it on that tour bus oh that's what we were talking about the tour bus we got so far away we got very far you get off stage and then you get right on the bus you drive all night and you're going to shower in a hotel you're doing that because you don't want to fly yeah you just hit more cities I think and it's so tiring and going to the airport and checking in and flying. It's better for the environment, I think, to drive. Are you bringing people with you? Because you can fill out people on a bus. Like, you'll have an opener and stuff, like me? I got two. It takes driving the bus. No, my buddy, Matt. Wait a second. Hold on a minute. I have to drive and open for you? You have to drive all night. Do you mind doing the merch table? My friend, Matt, is going to do some improv with me at the end of the show. so there's no opener so he'll be on the bus for a lot of it or Atlanta Johnston's coming for some yeah to open for you to do improv but mostly I'll be on my own but I guess the tour manager just with you and the bus driver me the bus driver tour manager and maybe maybe my amazing assistant Lee will come sometimes yeah but so you like your assistant obsessed wow amazing they're amazing that's amazing yeah well that's all wonderful yeah we're very happy for you yeah well I'm excited for your bus tour I'm excited to see how you like touring in the old US of A in this way. I know. I'm curious, too. Because I am pretty rigid in my routines and things. So I wonder. So I'm going to bring a special pillow. I'm going to bring eye mask. I'm going to bring earmuffs. Earmuffs. Clear mascara. Clear mascara. Keyboard. But I just want to be able to sleep. I want, like, weighted blanket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What else should I bring? Goldfish. You've got to bring a goldfish. Wait, the cracker or actual goldfish? an actual goldfish yeah you gotta get a goldfish bowl fish bowl to watch it yeah you got to get you guys to record a meditation like a guided meditation how does that work so it's nice music and then and it's like you're relaxing you're relaxing you're closing your eyes yeah you've just been on stage you crushed you also have gas so far yeah it's not putting me to sleep but i'm delighted relax your eyes we have to put that on repeat oh okay you hear that over and over again you're good enough you're smart enough and doggone it people like you yeah do you like this well you don't respond to the meditation may speak for I'm going, yeah. I'm here for that. I guess you make a good point there. You sure do. Like me. Yeah. Well, are you going to play any music? I don't know if the mood takes me, but I don't think so. I didn't know that's why you also had the buzz is for your guitar. No, I think I'm just trying to be economical. Okay. I think. All right. I don't know. I don't know either. I wish we were all going together. I'd love to do a handsome tour. A handsome live tour, maybe one day. But would we go nuts on the bus? Probably. We would maybe the tour, the whole tour would be like two weeks long. Yeah, max. That we could do. I thought you meant would we go nuts, like party, like smash beer cans on our heads. Tigg and I didn't even go to the lesbian bar in Nashville after our show. Yeah. If that tells you anything. Well, when I'm bringing the party to the bus, you're not going to have a choice. Oh, boy. I did just have a hang with a bunch of girlfriends and we did karaoke. You're the only gay person that I know of that says my girlfriend. It's because I have a lot of straight friends who are girls and they all say, use that word. But just say friends. Because otherwise you seem like a real gigolo. I assumed. Yeah. So we, all my friends who are girls, we had a big karaoke night and it was so fun. And what'd you sing? Just lots of like lady anthems. A girl on a. A lot of lady anthems. A lot of group singing or a lot of solos? A lot of group singing. Yeah, we all joined in. That's fun. It was really fun. Had you done karaoke with them before? Like that's your karaoke group? No, this was a new. They're my friends, but we hadn't had a karaoke night. Girlfriend. Private room? Yeah, my girlfriends. No, just at a friend's house. Oh, at someone's house. Here in LA. Yeah. I like those private rooms you can rent I never done one of those but it looks fun because you can just sing it over and over As long as people are terrible singers then that a nightmare It like it be a venue and then you can get a room for like eight people or and then you just to sing karaoke. Yeah. And there's just kind of leather couches, a disco ball and a little room around this size or smaller and the TV and then you can call for drinks. You can get food in there. on the list? Did we ever put that on the list? That needs to go. I don't know. We're playing that if we have. I mean, you doing that while I'm tucked in bed with my CPAP machine. On the bus? Or just in one of those rooms. And I'm just like. Yeah. I think I'm going to get rid of my CPAP. Why? It's not working. I don't think so. Like you're sleeping worse with it? Sometimes. There's like a mouth guard that you can use that maybe does the same job. It's to stop sleep apnea. Yeah. Okay, okay. So then, yeah, what would you replace it with? The mouthpiece. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If you were listening to me one second ago. Sorry. Well, what an adventure, Mae. Yes. Are we trying to segue into our question? I think so, yeah. Feels like it. Yeah, feels like it. Let's do it. Today's question asker is a Grammy-winning singer, songwriter, and actor who's sold more than 3 million albums and starred in the show Girls 5 Eva. She co-wrote and performed the original song Salt Then Sour Then Sweet for the Oscar-nominated documentary Come See Me in the Good Light. Sarah Bareilles is asking today's question. Also, her Broadway show Waitress is so good. I love that one song. She is a real talent. She's very talented. I love her voice. And a wonderful human. Hi, handsome. I'm eating snap peas. my name is sarah borealis i just picked that zit and my question for you is not really of my own devising but it's a question i heard asked to other people and i thought it was interesting so i'm going to re-ask it here and if i knew the source i would quote them but i don't so they're shit out of luck. My question for you is you have two bananas. Okay. One banana is perfectly ripe. The other banana is a little bit too ripe. Do you eat the perfect banana or do you eat the banana that's a little bit too ripe so as not to waste the too ripe banana knowing that by the time you're hungry for another banana the likelihood is that the second banana will also be too ripe this is like a total my question do you think i get asked this all the time This feels like your rice thing that last episode. Yeah. Where you're like talking to rice and something's dying. Yeah, what would you say to the bananas? I don't know that I'm talking to them. You're not talking to these bananas? Okay. Well, I guess I'm apologizing to whichever one I leave behind. I have strong feelings about two ripe bananas, though. Okay, I would love to hear this take, little cowboy. We want a hot take. Okay, here's my hot take. Hot take! I like a slightly green banana, but it's a very fine line. If it's chalky, no good. So the green is like it's not ripe enough. Yeah. Yeah. If it's even slightly brown, like if it's got speckles on it, that's for baking. And you've got to do a banana bread or something, I think. Or smoothie. Or smoothie, sure, fine. Well, you know, if a banana has a hint of green and is speckled, then it has been unnaturally and mechanically ripened. Oh, wow. So you don't want to eat those. If it has grain and speckles. Yeah, if you see it like a really hard, ripe, or a hard banana. But it also has, yeah. So what do they have, ripening machines? Look, I don't work there. You don't know about bananas? I don't work there. So it seemed like you knew a lot about bananas. Well, I do. Remember I told you bananas are actually berries. Yeah. I forgot that. Bananas are actually berries. Also, did you know so many people die from black widow spiders hiding in banana bunches? And it's actually very dangerous. Are you trying to scare us? When they pick them? Yeah, when they pick them. And sometimes they've come over. To your house? To my house. And they go, what's up? You're going to eat me? And then my thing that I want to patent is if you take a bite of the peel of the banana and then you let it taste all weird in your mouth, then you take a bite of the berry itself, the fruit of the banana, then it tastes like a tomato. And I patented that and I invented that. Wait, this is true things you're telling us? This is true. When you're patented, you can't sell it. Yeah, I don't know how I would. Yeah. Yeah, I basically discovered it by accident. I accidentally, I bit, well, I would sometimes bite the banana to open it, You know, on the butt end, not on the stalk end. Then I'm peeling it like a bonobo ape. And then I have the taste of the peel in my mouth, I guess. I eat the fruit and I go, tomato. Tomato. And I spread the word. Tomato. Yeah. Tomato, tomato. Yeah, try it out. Banana, banana. I love bananas. I do too. I eat a lot. And I've never eaten a peel. I've never eaten a peel either. So how are you opening them, guys? Why did I say guys? I peel them up top, but I did see John Mulaney do a thing about how his wife peels them, which was... At the butt. At the butt. I do that. Yeah, because that's how the monkeys do it. And when you're doing that, you might squish the top and... Yeah. Yeah. But you eat bananas every day, would you say? No. Oh, really? No. I don't eat fruit every day. Really? I'm not a health nut. A little smoothie in the morning? I love a smoothie. but I do have a weird texture thing and fruit bumps up against my texture situation more than anything. What about apples? I love apples. Really? I love you too. I love apples but I should be eating the fruit I like more than I do but I really do enjoy an apple especially an apple y'all know I'm a peanut butter bitch so peanut butter on a this peanut butter bitch loves the apple me too girl with the peanut butter. Girl I eat that about every day yeah and you know what me too actually i eat almost a quarter to a half a jar of peanut butter a day me too i think yeah it's my favorite food and crunchy yeah yeah yeah and i always think about because um i do heaping scoops on my my apple heaping scoops yeah that is patent that maybe heaping scoops should be a company yeah i also love peanut butter on bananas as well Oh, that's a delicious treat. A peanut butter banana sandwich? Yes, with honey sometimes inside. Well, not for me, but yes, my vegan issues. Oh, you can't eat honey because bees are harmed? Well, it's animal product, you know, whatever. Sometimes it sneaks into my food and I live through it. So for me, bananas, it can be dicey. if they're too ripe, I can't. No, too ripe. I can throw that in a smoothie. Yeah, throw that in a smoothie. Or freeze it and throw it in a smoothie down the road. You freeze it. You freeze it. But if a banana has a bunch of brown spots on it, I'm like, bleh. When I was little and I would respond that way to it, my mother was like, that's the sweet part of the banana. I know. So many people were like, that's the best. What? It is sweeter when it's riper. Oh, it's sweeter, but there's like a sourness to it. It's disgusting. Find something else for your sweet tooth. Yeah. It's disgusting. But wait, why is it not? I'm so glad we're on the same page, three of us. Finally, this is the first time we all can agree. Yeah, we all like it. It's disgusting. But Sarah's asking about these two bananas like it's a hard choice. No, I'm eating the perfectly ripe one. Yeah, but does that say something about this? Why are you getting so mad at Sarah about this? No, I love Sarah. She's such a nice person. Her song used to be mine. That was the one I was trying to think of. Oh, my. Have you heard her do that with Rufus Wainwright? Yes. That was gorgeous. Are they trying to kill us? They're trying to kill us. Are they trying to kill us? Have you heard it, Mae? No. It's gorgeous. Why don't you say your goodbyes and then listen to it? Good night. Goodbye. It is. It's really good. What's it called? Used to be mine. I'm writing it down. It's from Waitress, the musical, which she wrote the music for. I mean. Used to be mine. She's trying to kill us. She's got some great songs. Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. We used Squarespace to design our own website and you can do the same thing. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform that can help you stand out and succeed online with a beautiful, functional website. You can use Squarespace to claim your domain since they make it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price with no hidden fees or add-ons required. Advanced privacy and security tools are included. Don't wait to invest in your dream domain today. Whether you're engaging clients with video content, monetizing content like premium workshops or online courses or fundraising, Squarespace has a powerful suite of tools for every business and branding need. What are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to squarespace.com slash handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code handsome to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. It's time to refresh your space and make your home the best possible version of itself with Wayfair. From furniture and decor to organization solutions and outdoor essentials, Handsome loves Wayfair because they make it easy to find the exact items to fit your style, needs, and budget. Upgrade your space, find quality pieces, and get fast shipping and easy assembly options with Wayfair. As we move into spring, I'm doing a little refresh on my decor. I'm trying to make my patio a place to hang out and relax. So I've already got my sauna, my foosball table out there, but I found some really comfy outdoor chairs on Wayfair that look great and fit in with the look of my space. Wayfair offers a bunch of filters so I could narrow stuff down by reviews as well as color and aesthetic style. Assembly was a breeze as well, and I'm so happy with the new look. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. In partnership with Airbnb, let's talk a little bit about travel. Tig, as you know, I'm about to go on my first big tour around the United States. And while I'm traveling in a bus, I want to make sure I get a couple nights in a nice comfy bed that's not on wheels. So I'm going to book a couple nights stay on Airbnb. That sounds like a plan, Mae. What area are you looking? Well, I'm going to be in Florida, which I'm very excited about. And I'd love to find somewhere with a hot tub or a sauna that I can relax in. Maybe some nice nature nearby, like a big park or something. I love finding a home on Airbnb because I know I can get the place all to myself and I can read tons of reviews and make sure it's a great place. Airbnb also has guest favorites badges that show me the highest rated and most loved homes. I've just never gone wrong booking one of those. You know, I swam with sharks in Florida. Is that something you would ever try? I hadn't thought about that. But if I'm near the ocean, then who knows? Maybe I will. On the other hand, if I find a really nice place on Airbnb, I may just never want to leave. I think it's like if you if you eat the perfectly ripe banana, then it's wasteful. but you could use the two ripe banana to bake i'm saying it's weird that bananas aren't like used more for sex stuff because oh boy or just sit there not how did we take i didn't do that by the way may did this turn i did not make this i didn't say anything i could just hear a fortune marie on your tongue fortune marie what about may marie well or girl girl girl girl marie girl Marie. Girl Marie. But like, you know, like eggplants have become synonymous with like, or Vaseline. Because it's thicker. The banana's too small, maybe? Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm just answering commercial by myself. When you say you want bananas to become more sexual. I didn't say I want. I said I'm surprised that more people aren't secretly. Do you think this is what Allstate wants from us? Well, you're so right. Do you really They think this is what Allstate wants in their good hand studio. I know. Oh, no. I was trying to keep it very demure. I know you were, girl. I think you've overused that word in this episode. Oh, did I say it before? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it was another episode. I think it was another episode. Yeah, whatever. What were you saying, Mae? Just like I'm surprised I haven't come across in my exploits someone going, hey, can I fuck you with a banana? All right, I'm going to commercial with or without you. Wow. You'd think. Wow. That's that voice you do that I love. I realize. Like, wow. I don't know. Maybe because you sound like a cat. Maybe. Meow. May really let that one loose. We should have a cat fight and just like wrestle each other. Oh, that sounds fun. Yeah. I mean, I'd have to put a back brace on. A handsome wrestling match would be fun. We should make that a live event. Well, I DM'd this. Put it on the list, Thomas. There's this like... We'll do it at one of our shows. I know people who can organize it Because I found this company that like queer oil wrestling Of course you did Like lesbian oil wrestling I DM them I go when your next event Did you slide into their DMs? We do have that show at the Wiltern, May 4th. But I don't know if we can pull it together for a wrestling. We can wrestle our guests. I DM them and I was like. It's Mullen Ackerman and Brittany Snow. I think we could take them. May 4th. We could for sure. I could take them. You never know. It might lead to some wrestling. Yeah. But the embarrassing thing was I was like, yeah, let me know when your next event is in L.A. I want to come. And they were like, when are you free and we'll make an event? And they were like, we can come to you. Yeah. And I was like, oh, no, no. I'll just tag along. They're like in your backyard? Yeah, yeah. But I think it would be really fun, I think, to get your aggression out in a safe room. Yeah, but I think that I would need to be fully clothed. Wait, are we not clothed? No, we're covered in oil. And just naked? No, I guess you can wear a bathing suit. like a men's bathing suit down to my knees like bikinis or something i feel like you guys would pull my um bathing suit on i wouldn't because i wouldn't want that to happen to me oh right do on to others exactly and i don't want to be i don't want ass out yeah you grew up in the church i don't need to see it to be honest yeah i don't i'm not trying to see it i'm not pulling down your why don't you back off don't you back i'll take you right now i would assume you would be naked in this scenario i assume you're always naked until you get here no i love clothes i assume you're just always naked swanning around i assume you're topless a lot and in some sort of ponties you know what's crazy is i around my house roughly ponties roughly around my house i am topless a lot but now i've got people doing the garden and they're these these nice older men and i'm yeah i just don't want to make them uncomfortable because they call me a she and i can't be bothered to correct them and i'm like what would they think if i was just walking around you know doing push up that's out i don't know so i just for hot tub tits out yeah yeah is that a callback to one of our bits yeah my hot tub's too short oh right right right my tits are out hot tub which is a It's like one of those things where like a fan would come up and be like, hot tub tits out. People do say it. Yeah, since that episode, they've said hot tub tits out. I just feel like I could see myself passing somebody on the sidewalk. They say that. I look at them weird. And then they're like, Tig's rude. And then you're like, keep it handsome. Wait, somebody just did that. Oh, I checked into a hotel in Chicago. And what they say. She was just very professional, checking me in, asking for my ID and everything. And then she pulled a book, my book, and she said, oh, I brought some reading material tonight. I was like, oh, how funny. Thanks. And then after she checked me in and gave me the key, she goes, and keep it handsome. And I was like, well, you little rascal. You didn't give away anything. like when i walked out there was no vibe that she knew who i was yeah that's great yeah and slid that old puppy in at the end she sure did there was no puppy that would have been a fun thing on check-in very fun to just bring a puppy into your room yeah that would be amazing and then you also have to pay the cleanup fee yeah should we um hear what sarah has to say yeah i'm curious if she's finished those snow i just want to know if there's a deeper meaning to this like we're a certain personality type if we do it. Yeah, what if we're revealing we're terrible people? Maybe we shouldn't play her answer. I'll just call her. The only time we don't play the answer. Well, can I ask real quick before we, how did you meet Sarah? She flew out as a fan of Andrea Gibson's to see Andrea's final show. Oh, okay. And then we all connected through that. and um but she was there by herself oh wow she was on her own little journey she had lost her dear friend to cancer and was just really connecting with this and Andrea and came out for the show and then yeah we've all just become really close yeah and um I kind of forgot where she came from but that's where it is yeah has she ever sung to you um like just you no no I should sing to her you should absolutely yeah okay thank you for that yeah you're welcome I like her song brave yeah anyway okay I eat the too ripe banana because I'm too lazy to make banana bread and I don't like to waste she's better than us yeah she is better than us may God bless us all wow so i thought she was gonna say something about me at the end there waste a lot of bananas i can't do that example of what not to be yeah i'm just gonna throw away the i'm bad i throw yeah if you don't want to bake sarah throw in a blender you could throw in a throw in the freezer can you believe we had her on the show only for her to shame us about our bananas she didn't know she was going to shame us because in our answer. I think she knew. But you can freeze the banana past its point. I know this. I'll tell you then. And then what? Throw it in a smoothie or something? Then throw it in a smoothie. And then the texture won't mess you up. Wait. Oh my. Did you see that? What happened? Don't rewind it. May made a sexual. May said or. Tell me. I'm like, did something like this. Fortune Marie, put your hand down. May did it. Put your hand down. Keep it clean. May. Come on. My leg's asleep. Uh-oh. Well, let's whisper that. But May did this. I saw you the first three times you did it. Just saying. This is a Christian podcast. You're tattling on me, dude. Dude. Dude. You're tattling on me, dude. You're tattling on me. Well, I got reprimanded. Yo, bro. You're tattling on me. Bro, you're tattling on me. Keep your ruffled panties in your pants. What's up, girl? Dude, bro. Dude, bro. Yeah. Okay. My sons call me dude. that's really funny just at that age how do you feel about that dude I don't know if I would love it I'd be like it's mommy mom dad to you mom daddy watch him a call it watch him a call it watch him a who's it I feel like dude it's a sign of respect it's like they're like we're friends and it's not all the time every once in a while it slips out well it'll be like guys you have to put your shoes on dude I just yeah i love that yeah not for me okay well call me mom daddy don't you are you gonna come over as like mary poppins nanny is that what you would go by mommy daddy no i don't know i've never even thought about it well i need you to think about it but probably still be my a mom a version of mom yeah yeah mama mama mama i don't want to be like an old bertha where's my mama Dude, I don't want to be a mama. Well, if you're a mama, you're going to eventually be a mama. Yeah, I don't want that. I don't know if I want mom. Not mommy. Mommy when they're little. Mare. What do you think of mare? I like mare. It feels so ripe for me. It does feel ripe for you. So ripe. Too ripe? Way to bring it full circle to our bananas. Yes, indeed. Well, this was a treat to have Sarah Bareilles. I mean. An honor. Does it get better than her voice? She's got a gorgeous voice. I'll be listening in my car. Say what you want to say. Oh, is that her? Yeah. I want to. Wait, how does it go? Honestly, be brave. We really nailed it. Okay, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, she has some good ones. Yeah. You don't know that used to be mine. No, I know. It's not easy to say. now do you know it I know it less than I did before something's more than I gave fortune's having a stroke she used to be mine okay well you know when people like get Alzheimer's and it's really hard and then sometimes music like brings them back I feel like if you ever ended up like in a home, we went to visit you and you're a vegetable, then we would play you a song. Is that a fruit to say? Not a banana, not a fruit. I just haven't heard anyone say that. It's been a while. Not only have you put me in a home, but I'm a vegetable. Yeah, but then I play you. Is that from vegetative state? This is bleak. I play you, I want to see you. And you suddenly light up. see you be brave and i go and you can't make it one day and you send me to go sing and there's no response yeah i'm like i'm like pass i'm gonna act dead get her out of here she's saying she's talking yeah she's saying get her out of here get her out of here wow this really took a turn for me very bizarre ending perfectly healthy enough to go visit me and sing I want to see a new bride wow you guys are just living your best life and I'm over there in a state well even if you were a vegetable we'd still roll you in while we were recording and we'd take you on tour and all three of us would say keep it handsome and your eyelid would twitch and then take we go fortune Marie yeah I'd know what that meant and then even then my eyelids would be fixed for my surgery when's the surgery? my surgery is March 20th oh my god I'm excited you're excited are you going to come sing to me in the hospital? I'm going to eat a vegan cinnamon roll in your honor oh my god did I tell you about that? no but vegan cinnamon roll? after I had surgery and had terrible complications in 2019 yeah i was only eating chocolate milkshakes that were like the size of like five feet tall oh my god and then vegan um cinnamon rolls that were bigger than my face and that was because i i was having trouble uh keeping weight on yeah and so that was you were just i was just pounding it Wow, that sounds delicious. And now, do you have too much, so now it's nauseating to you, or you still love it? I can still. There you go. Yeah. Any whoodles. I'm going to have dinner after this. I know, I'm hungry. I'm hunger. Let's wrap it up then, so we can get you guys fed. I've got to go to a screening of Come See Me in the Good Light, which Sarah Bareilles, she's an EP along with Brandi Carlisle and they sing that salt and sour and sweet March 3rd I'm on tour check out maymartin.net see if I'm coming to your town you're also touring around yeah I'm going to be in San Diego I believe at the Civic Center on the is it the 7th whatever the Saturday is coming up then I have a bunch of dates Little Rock Fayetteville Arkansas Oklahoma City yeah a bunch of places I don't know where else because I don't have it in front of me but I'm on tour fortunefemster.com I am on tour as well tignotaro.com and speaking of San Diego I've always wanted to have a breakfast restaurant there called the Sandy Ego oh there you go wait I don't get it well there's like waffles called Eggos oh the Sandy Ego I'm also in Cedar Rapids and also check out starfleet academy that i'm on with holly hunter and paul giamatti and an incredible cast also tomorrow i will be performing for the stand up for equality show march 4th in los angeles with margaret cho mateo lane and a bunch of incredible comedians come on out and please share any of your favorite episodes with anybody rate review subscribe youtube go to youtube yeah our fun merch we have all these great shirts that have come out oh we have our show The Will Turn yes that's right in Los Angeles May 4th as part of the Netflix is a joke festival we will be doing a handsome live show do we announce our guests yep it's Brittany Snow and Mullen Ackerman yeah excellent from The Hunting Wives a lot of leslie stuff going on in that show it's two days after my birthday oh it doesn't matter no it does be an action in that show that's right May was born in May. A lot of boobies. We heard you. Mollens shows. Fortune Marie. Titties. And we're going to ask her about it. Oh, my Lord. Because not only will they be asking a question, we're also going to chat with them a little bit. Okay. And with that, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. And please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking that you packed sunscreen when you're going on that midwinter vacation. Ouch. Your skin hasn't seen the sun in months and now you're in desperate need of some aloe vera. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. 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