Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at therapyforblackgirls.com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. hey y'all thanks so much for joining me for session 448 of the therapy for black girls podcast we'll get right into our conversation after a word from our sponsors if you're listening to this it means that we are almost a month into 2026 time really flies doesn't it i hope you've enjoyed our january jumpstart series so far and that you've been able to step into the new year with ease and intention to wrap up this series i'm excited to share a few conversations that I've had with amazing women. Today, we're talking about identity. You'll hear from Nina Westbrook and Oludara Adio on what it looks like to ask yourself, who am I really? And begin to search for the answers. If something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation, please share with us on social media using the hashtag TVG in session, or join us over in our Patreon to talk more about the episode. You can join us at community.therapyforblackgirls.com. Let's dive in. When the work you do is close to the heart, how do you protect it? Knowing when to quiet your professional instincts and let your personal self take the lead isn't always easy. I spoke with therapist and wellness advocate Nina Westbrook about what drew her to the field, and she shared why setting boundaries is essential when your work is deeply human-centered. Her reflections are a reminder that it's okay not to be everything to everyone and that caring for others starts with making sure your own cup isn't empty. So tell us what actually inspired you to become a therapist? Oh, man. Okay. So I feel like a lot of our stories are quite similar. I feel like being a therapist is more about who I am and the purpose I sort of serve oftentimes in my own community. I grew up with three brothers and my parents were divorced, though they worked quite well together raising us. But I always felt a sense of responsibility and I always felt like I was pretty good at managing life with three brothers and being mature and helping my friends navigate through whatever they were going through in their lives. And I kind of just became that sounding board for a lot of people naturally. And so I thought I wanted to be a writer. And I studied English in undergrad at UCLA. I quickly found out that was not my journey. I stuck with it. I finished, but I added clinical psychology to the fold. And I learned that this was what I really enjoyed. I knew when I was in school and class and I loved my professors, I loved going. It didn't feel hard. It didn't feel like school. It just felt like right. So that's when I made the full shift and really pursued my licensure. And now I get to do what I love every day. It's great. So you mentioned that so much of it is who you became as a therapist, kind of who you are as a person. And I am sure that that has led to some having to set some boundaries around like, yes, I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist, especially maybe in family or with friends. How have you resisted the pull to kind of be the strong one or like the guide in the circles that you find yourself? You know what? The boundary had to come from me. I had to set my own boundary for myself, not to insert myself into other people's problems or other people's challenges when I wasn't asked. I think it's hard sometimes to sit back and watch people navigate different relationships or challenges and kind of feel like you have something of value to add or some wisdom to share, but know that you weren't asked. And so you should probably just sit and relax and be a sounding board or whatever it is that person would need you to be in that moment. So for me, it's more about like taking that, turning that off, because like I said, I'm naturally a problem solver and I like to just take things head on. And a lot of that kind of came from, I think, my background in sports. Also, I used to be a basketball player at the collegiate level. And I think solving problems and putting a lot of effort and just focusing on what to do to get to where we wanted to be rather than focusing on the thing that's keeping us from getting where we want to be or reaching our goals. I think that has been the biggest thing for me. I actually love diving really deep into conversation. And I love when people feel sick enough to open up with me. I just came from a coffee this morning where we were having a pretty deep conversation. And it was with someone completely new that I just had coffee with for the first time. And we got right on in there. And I prefer that. I prefer to just have meaningful, impactful conversations because life is like fast. Everything's moving so fast. We don't have a lot of time. So I I all for it Let get into it So have you found that setting the boundary of like not offering unsolicited advice and feedback has led to people asking you for it more or less The only people I would give unsolicited advice to were my husband, my mom, my kids. Like I tend to have decent boundaries around telling other people what I think that are not in my home. So I feel like it was more so let me not come off as the know-it-all mom who is constantly trying to, I had to learn to let my children or let other people experience things for themselves because I can't tell them everything, right? There has to be some trial and error. So for me, it was more about when to intervene and when to say something or speak up versus when to let the natural consequences take place. More from our conversation after the break. When I listen to Nina's reflections on the lessons she's learned the hard way, one thing becomes clear. Boundaries didn't just help her survive a demanding season of life. They helped her step further into herself. Motherhood brought clarity, but it also revealed parts of herself she hadn't fully embraced before. Here's Nina and she speaks honestly about what else motherhood introduced her to and how those discoveries reshaped the way she shows up for herself and others. I want to hear you talk more about is like what other parts of yourself do you feel like you were introduced to as a result of motherhood? Oh man, more boundaries. There's a conversation around boundaries that is happening right now that I actually really like this discussion between boundaries and rules and a lot of people misunderstanding and misinterpreting what a boundary actually is. And so I'm not talking about rules. I'm talking about boundaries. And I just want to be clear about that. But I think that I became a person who was willing to just say no and not care as much. So a lot of that people-pleasing nature that some of us carry around in our youth, that completely melted away for me. And I became someone who was confident in my no's. I've actually been complimented many times about the kindness and the compassion and the way that I'm able to say no and make it sound like a yes, but it's a no, like very gently, very nicely, but very firm and clear at the same time. And I really, that makes me really happy because it's a big thing for me who someone who wants to always be on and taking care of and supporting. So learning to say no and do it in a way that makes me still feel good about myself has been a journey for me. Yeah. So you're talking about this very effortlessly and beautifully, but I'm sure it was not an easy process. And I know people listening are like, oh my God, teach me how, Nina. So what do you feel like led to the path for you to actually get to this place where you're able to say no in very gentle ways? Oh man, I feel like I've lived a lot of life. I just turned 37 and I feel like I've lived so much life already and I've just been through a lot of experiences where I wasn't quite putting my needs first or putting my feelings first and I learned the hard way that if I wasn't going to do that then no one else would and so I just learned to speak up for myself more. And I learned that I do have a tendency to build up and grow resentment if I do things that I don't want to do. And I don't want to have that. I want to be free spirited. I want to be happy. I want to feel light. I don't want to carry so much because life is moving quickly. Like I said, I have three kids, two seven-year-olds and one eight-year-old. We're running around and day to day doing all the activities. I'm keeping up with my work. I'm trying to keep up with my marriage. I don't have time for extra weight on me at this phase in my life. So I had to learn how to release that. And I had to learn the hard way through lots of tears and trial and error. And I think that having my children gave me the confidence to really put things in perspective because I felt like in order for me to be the best that I can and have the most amount of patience with my own children and have the most amount of patience in my relationships with my friends and my family, I had to be emotionally well and I had to be light. And so I feel like it's a decision-making trait. If doing something is going to drain me and to the point where I'm not able to take care of myself, if I'm not able to prioritize the things that I want to prioritize, then I can easily say no and feel good about it. But it definitely took me some years and a lot of stress and resentment and kind of just feeling sorry or sad for myself and probably some regrets that led me to want to really consider each choice that I was making and making sure I was doing it for me and that it wasn't going to be something that I was going to regret later in any way. I try to really stay true to my little decision-making tree. I feel like so many people have the same story of like not knowing until we bump our heads, right? Like I had to learn the hard way. If there's a way for you to maybe share some wisdom with our listeners so that they don't have to learn the hard way about how to prioritize themselves and set better boundaries? What would you share? You know what like you Dr Joy I think what I trying to do is share all of my experiences through my different platforms and the knowledge that I have And I think that I had to suffer an injury and be immobile and in excruciating pain for months on in before I actually decided to prioritize my health because I was just going. I was just doing too much. And it wasn't until I realized once I was down and out, I was down for the count, that other people were stepping up. I feel like the biggest lesson that I learned in all of that is the world's going to keep spinning, whether I am there or not, whether I am doing drop-off or pick up or not, whether I am at a dinner party or not, like everything is going to keep going. I'm just a very tiny little part of the system. And I think that what that taught me is that I have to be the one to prioritize myself. And I have to be the one who's in charge of my own happiness and taking charge and control over my life in the way that I wanted it to look. And I think it's hard for a lot of people because we have so many responsibilities. And I think one of the things that we all miss sometimes is how implementing really small changes and really small things into our days that are actually truly tangible, but just prioritizing them and creating consistency in our health and wellness routine, taking a little bit of time off for ourselves each morning, maybe by waking up a little bit earlier and having some quiet time, meditation time, not reaching for our phone, the first thing we do when we get up. These are all small ways we can take care of ourselves. And just eating meals, proper meals at the proper time, and making sure we're energizing our bodies and getting outside for a fresher breath air when we can. I think that people overestimate what it looks like to take care of yourself. And I think we can look at social media and you see all these really extravagant ways people are taking care of themselves or these extravagant ideas of self-care. But really self-care is in the small moments and the daily habits that we create. And for anyone looking to improve in their mental health and wellness, or even physical wellness, I think just having a steady routine and being disciplined will take you a really long way. It doesn't take a whole lot, just a little bit of time and dedication. It was so nice to hear Nita speak so transparently about the lessons motherhood taught her, especially the journey toward honoring her own needs and setting boundaries with compassion. I think it's especially important to acknowledge that as we dig into who we really are, we'll come across pieces of ourselves that we once knew to be true, but now are evolving and asking to be reimagined or at least revisited. And though that expansion of identity lends to growth, it is totally normal to experience grief when you lay old parts of yourself to rest. I spoke with therapist and author Oludara Adio, who shared a thoughtful perspective on embracing personal change while extending compassion to the virgins of yourself that came before. You know, whether it is related to online stuff or just in general, when we are thinking about moving away from some identity that maybe has been important and then you realize like, okay, this is not actually who I want to be anymore or I actually don't believe these things anymore and now it's time for a shift. There is still typically some grief and some mourning that happens with stepping away from one identity and kind of moving into another one. Can you talk about navigating that grief because I think that feels different for a lot of people you know that is so real a lot of what happens in the grief I think also needs to be there needs to be like forgiveness less judgment because you don't know what you don't know and we are allowed to evolve and grow and change and I think sometimes we're so out there on social media and we feel like the world is watching everything we're doing we're like oh we have to maintain who we are for other people and then again that's you not being in touch with your intuition you're not tapped into yourself you've pulled away from your own source which is yourself now that you're in a problem in a different space and you're realizing okay this is not the person i want to be this is not who i am anymore you have to really give yourself some grace even maybe forgive yourself be like okay this is not who I am anymore. And I am allowing yourself to just be different. I'm allowed to be a different person than I was two days ago. You know, I'm allowed to be someone else. I can always evolve and it's okay. And I think that also allows us to like give other people grace and give them the grace to really just evolve. And I think sometimes we're uncomfortable with wanting to grief because it can feel heavy, it can feel hard, but it's something that is a part of life. Yeah. And I think, you know, we are just now starting to even have conversations around grief related to anything that isn't death, right? Like even the idea of like grief and loss related to like identity, like I feel like it's a very new conversation for people, right? And so we don't do well with grief conversations altogether. But I think when we get into these like smaller or maybe what isn't described as like your typical grief, then I think that that is even more difficult for people. And so I think even being able to label something and name it as a loss, I think is still new for people. Like grief, times of transition require intentional self-care practices. When life shifts, our nervous systems often need more support, not less, even if we don't always realize it in the moment. Creating space to slow down, check in, and tend to yourself can help you move through change with more clarity and compassion. Seasons of transition aren't about fixing, but listening to your needs. Here's Olodara sharing a few ways that she grounds and cares for herself in these moments. I know a lot of your work is around like self-care specifically for Black women right And you do a lot of promoting around like rituals and kind of daily practices What are some of the daily practices and maybe small things that people can maybe they maybe don even consider that you think they could think about to add to their their daily practices Yes What is your sleep routine I think sleep is very very important And I think sometimes we may neglect it. So I definitely absolutely encourage figuring out, okay, am I going to bed at the same time? If I'm not going to bed at the same time, how can I work that to be better. I would also say like, what is my community like? Okay. What does that look like? Do I not have friends? Do I need to start that action of making more friends? Because you know, building community does take work. So, and I also think community helps with like self-care because we need each other. Really evaluating what does my community look like? And how do I want it to grow? Do I want to pour more into the people in my life? And also finding some enjoyment. Like what brings me joy? It could be anything from watching your favorite TV show to going to a concert to finding a new hobby. What's going to bring me joy? What's going to bring me joy? And how do I activate that? How do I lean more into that? So you've mentioned a couple of times how important like being quiet and grounding and it sounds like journaling is really important to you. I know that's something that a lot of your books have been about. Are there one or two journal prompts that you can offer for somebody who maybe is in this stage of life of figuring out like who I am, what's next, where is this journey taking me? I would say one, I would encourage an affirmation of like, I am allowed to create the life that I love, or I'm allowed to create a life on my own terms. And also ask yourself, okay, what do I want? And really answer that, not thinking about a parent, not thinking about a family member or friend or anyone really ask yourself, what do I want my life to look like? Write down what that looks like, whatever it is, however big you may think it may be, or out of touch or out of reach, like just write it down and go from there. I think there's something powerful about seeing like what you want to accomplish. And then you can allow yourself to really maybe begin to visualize and work towards those goals. More from our conversation after the break. One of the through lines of our January Jumpstart series this year was metamorphosis. And as we embrace transformation, we also need to be intentional about what we want to protect and hold closely to us. I asked both of these women what they're protecting more fiercely in 2026. Here's what Olodara had to say. I have been on a journey of trying to get back on a regular sleep schedule. I had fallen into burnout a couple years. And now that I'm like, I really feel like I'm really recovering from burnout. My sleep schedule has been really bad. But I'm like, I am going to figure that I'm going to be going to bed before 1 a.m. I love Olodara's answer. I think we could all use a little bit more protection of our sleep. I also appreciated Nina's insightful response. Ooh, protecting more fiercely. I was in protective modes last year, I feel like. And I was recently having a conversation with Debbie Brown on her podcast about the fact that I just feel free. I feel like I don't need to protect so much. I feel like I'm ready to be very open and I'm ready to explore and take on opportunities without fear and without self-doubt. I'm more open, less protective at this phase in my life. As we wrap up today's conversation, I hope you're feeling a little more permission to honor yourself at all stages. Who you are, who you've been, and who you will grow to be. Identity is not a destination. It's a process that evolves alongside our experiences, our relationships, and the seasons of our lives. Throughout all of my conversations with these women, one sentiment that continued to ring true was the importance of meeting yourself with curiosity and compassion instead of judgment. Whether it was Nina reminding us of the power of setting boundaries or Oludara naming the grief that can come with growth, each perspective affirmed that transition doesn't have to mean that you're lost. Transition means you're becoming. And becoming requires patience, gentleness, and a willingness to listen to yourself. As you move through your own moments of reflection, I invite you to check in with yourself this week. What parts of you are asking to be revisited? what needs tending, rest, or expression right now? And what does it look like to support yourself through that in a healthy way? I'm so grateful to these women for their conversations. To learn more about them and their work, make sure to visit the show notes at therapyforblackgirls.com slash session 448. And don't forget to text this episode to two of your girls right now and tell them to check it out. Did you know that you could leave us a voicemail with your questions or suggestions for the podcast. If you want to suggest movies or books for us to review or have thoughts about topics you'd like to hear, drop us a message at memo.fm slash therapy for black girls and let us know what's on your mind. We just might feature it on the podcast. If you're looking for a therapist near area, visit our therapist directory at therapyforblackgirls.com slash directory. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram at therapy for black girls. And if you're interested in more exclusive updates and behind the scenes content, come on over and join us in our Patreon. You can join us at community.therapyforblackgirls.com. This episode was produced by Elise Ellis, Ndei Chubu, and Tyree Rush. Editing was done by Denison Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.
