#742 - TIM BUTTERLY + SAM TRIPOLI

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Wow! Unbelievable, that's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa. How we doing everybody? Is everything good? We just lost you there, got real quiet. You guys happy to be here? Almost seems like something happened with the audio or something that threw everybody off or something. Did you notice that? No, you didn't? Alright, I guess I'm the only one paying attention. No, we're good. No, don't worry about a thing, Red Band. How about a hand for Michael Gonzalez, everybody? This is the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and that's D-Madness on the bass guitar. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. And now we're on our first commercial break. What happened with the audio? The audio on Mike One wasn't on upon arrival. Oh, really? Yeah, the number one rule. Fuck! Kino, do you have a spotlight for yourself so that you can light yourself up right now? You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Anything can happen. This is the greatest live show in the world. I pride myself on being an unbelievable booker of guests. And this week, it is the motherfucking boys. One is, uh, their boat. Two of the greatest stand-ups in the world. My fucking career started at the comedy store 18 and a half years ago by taking me on the road, showing me how the fuck it's done. One of my first ever favorite comedians in the world, and he is in Austin, Texas. The other one lives in Austin. One of the most powerful comedians moved here. We love him. Make some fucking noise for the great Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly, everybody. Sam Tripoli is back. Tim Butterly is back. Oh boy. Sam Tripoli is on tour, the Tinfoil Hat podcast, the Broken Simulations podcast, the Deep Waters podcast. A lot of conspiracy podcasts going on with the great Sam Tripoli. Sam, how are you? I'm doing great. I love your sweet voice, brother. Thank you. I love that sweet, sweet voice. Thank you. It's good to be able to hear it. Turn up his mic. It's good to hear it. How about a hand for the great Tim Butterly, everybody? Tim Butterly has dead meat is his podcast and the Tim Butterly show. He's on tour as well. Timbutterly.com. Hi, Tim. I'm just playing this work. I'm just kidding. Hold on. I'm just... I thought it would be so funny if Tony had a second bitch meltdown. Yes. How dare you, Keenow? How dare you? I wanted to steal that so badly when he said it. I'm like, I'm going to let him do it. That's very sweet of you. Thank you, Sam. We're going to have a blast. You guys have been on the show numerous times. Sam was one of the first guests ever on the show 13 and a half years ago. Tonight, over 300 human beings signed up. They are crammed in together at a bar next door, hoping and praying that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If they do, they get 60 seconds un-interrupted. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Okay, the joke, guys. I mean, you're all fucking... You're all literally hacks right now. By the way, it was on a fucking commercial break. Nobody knows what jokes you're fucking making. Nobody knows. You're playing for the stupid 250 people instead of 4 million. You fucking retards. Jesus Christ. God. I'm on your side, dude. Fuck. All right. You hear the sound of it getting wrapped up. Then I'll spring out the anger with Starly Woodpecker. Very good. All right. I'm going to let this pedophile pick the first thing. It's a blatant pedo in the front. All right, send it. Ooh, a one-word name. That's going to be fun. While we go wrangle that comedian, ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the great Golden Ticket winners. Literally what many say, including myself, the greatest Kill Tony Golden Ticket winner. Golden Ticket winner of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the super powerful Martin Phillips everybody. And here we go. Okay, good. Sorry. Mote down. I'm drunk. Okay. Well, now, on Halloween, I like to make my own candy to pass out. Because it's creative and it's way easier to put razor blades in. I saw this apple juice. It was called an Adam and Eve apple juice. And I was like, no, I'm falling for that one. Don't break me down with you. Anyway, speaking of removing the rib, we all know exactly we all know that I take out the rib. I can suck my own dick. But what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass. Why stop at the dick? Keep going. I want to lick my back. People get frustrated with me. If they're like, is your head up your ass? And I'm like, I'm trying. Give me time. I'm trying. Give me time. Okay. Martin Phillips. Hi, Martin. How are you today? I'm good. What's been going on, buddy? You're making it. You're on tour. You're out everywhere wobbling around. Yeah. I was being so awkward. Probably to get the angels to wobble. Probably to run around. What's been going on? What are your favorite cities you've been to? After a while, we all kind of blend together. I don't know. Same thing, same shit. But I know, first of all, half the shit already says didn't happen. He said, you buy it the other day. Our gate had been changed. So he had to push me in a wheelchair around the airport. And of course, our A is just like, oh, I want to get so much pussy off of it. I was like, same song for me. But sometimes I bring my dog with me. So if he pushes me in a wheelchair with a dog, we're unstoppable. Yeah. That is incredible. Sam Tripoli. Do you have groupies, dude? Do you have groupies? Oh, not too much. But you interested? You interested? I want to watch you make love so badly, dude. I want to watch you fuck one time. I'm so happy you want to watch me fuck. I'll pay for it, dude. I'll pay for it. We'll get some top shelf hooker. I just want you to go to town. Port name, Meaty Marty. Ooh, Meaty Marty. Hello. I'm Hart. Yeah. What would one expect from watching a sex tape with the great Martin Phillips? I don't know. How would you describe your rhythm when you make love? Is it broken robot type? What? We're just going with the motion. And I don't know. Hell yeah. It's got to be dynamite post. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Is it human zivian? Yeah. For sure. What's the longest you've ever lasted while having sexual intercourse with a woman? I mean, I'm never like timed. You had to give it a ballpark. It felt like an eternity to me. Imagine how she feels. I love it. What else is going on, Martin? You know, just chillin' and what? Gearing up for Halloween? Do you have big Halloween plans? That's one day of the year where everyone walks like a zombie? Yeah, I know. There are the apocalypse. I'll be saved, you know. But, you know, I'm still worried about things. So, yeah. But I don't have any plans yet. I'm in town though. You got a party. Let's go. My mom said I got my candy. Wow. What kind of candy did she say? Oh, yeah, I got my Reese's. Oh, my goodness. They say there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. How do you eat a Reese's? Oh, just the whole thing in there. Wow. See, I go edges first. I nibble on the edges. And then I take the round coin, the perfectly round coin, and I shove it up my ass. Oh, okay. I shove it up my ass. I knew that was how you ate it. Yes. Dude, I'm sober, but I would relapse to do Coke with you. I would love to see how hard you just... You should just hang out up there. We can fuck. We can just go. Hell yeah. Have you done Coke before? I actually have not done Coke. Actually, no, I have not. But you got... Night is young, bro. Night is young. Who is, of all the handicapped people, who's the best in bed? If you could just bang... Is it the blind person? Oh, so not a Pacific? Yeah. The blind person? D-Magnus is right behind you, by the way. He's blind, Sam. The guy behind you, he's blind. I know when I see blind black people. Good. They're not hard to see. They're always making sure you see them all the time. I'm blind. Bleh. So... They always do do that, don't they? What's up with that? So... They're always very seen people. That is interesting. But the best type of handicapped person? That's the question. Yeah. Okay, well, first of all, I was with my sister, just for fucking smashing all the time. So we had to... Death people, you know, even after you hear the lady. That's probably good. What about clubbed foot? You know, you don't really have to use sort of foot in there. So yeah, they're probably kind of normal with it. I had to do studies out there. It's not my pouring category or anything. We want you to. We want you to do a study. And next time you come on, we expect a full report. Okay, sure. Okay, perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody. He got the party started. The undisputed golden ticket... Tyrant Martin Phillips. It's like the Jerry Lewis Goff Hockey and handicap. This name is a one-word name. It is written in ink over and over and over again. If we did a handwriting study on what this person is going to be like, I can tell you, I've been doing this job a long time. A long time, I pull a name out and I see the handwriting, the fucking energy of this. This should be interesting. Make some noise, everyone, for Stevie. Stevie. Stevie. Paddy Beach, Thailand. I'm standing out in the front of the girls' Go Go Club, and I can't wait to go inside. Here's what it's all. First girl comes out, completely naked, had really great chest hair, though, and has one of them big, fat magic markers, slips it into her woo-woo, squats down and wiggles out. Welcome, USS Denver! Next girl comes out completely naked, makes her way over to my table, and just using her meek curtain blows the candle out of my table. Then she takes a whistle out of her hair, puts it down on her Jiner box, and bangs out the Marine Corps ham. And if that wasn't enough, she gets a whole pack of smokes going, and you guessed it, her VJJ blew the sexiest pussy smoke rings I've ever seen. Next girl comes out, takes turns landing ping-pong balls into each of our drinks, using just the juicy candy in the chute-reload technique. Next girl, I swear she had to have lip burns, because she pulled like 40 yards of rainbow-colored yarn out of her Thai penotcha, as her friend ran her around all the stripper poles. Oh, and the limits... Ah! I didn't even get to the banana or the darts. Thank you so much! Wow! Somehow, exactly one minute. Oh, my God. Stevie, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Nice to see you, pal. How long you been doing comedy? Since the fourth grade. Okay. Very good. My mom had to come and sit behind me in school, so I wouldn't be like, Hey, look at me, I'm funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! So, sorry about that. It's been a while. She know you have a coke problem. Well, yeah. She got me a shirt that says, Woking Coke, so I love that shirt. Did she really? Yeah, no, I just made that up on the spot. Okay. Good. Stevie, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Stand-up comedy about three years? Three years. All of it here in Austin? No, I started out in Arizona after some people tried to rob my place. I ended up talking them out of robbing my place and made them laugh. We ate pizza, smoked a bunch of pot. It was great. Is that true? Yeah, that actually... Explain to us exactly what happened. It's the middle of the night. Day, what is it? All right, so here we go. By the way, Stevie is soaking wet, by the way. For those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps you're getting some work done and just playing it in the background. His upper lip is drenched. His face is retaining the weight of the water. It appears as though there's so much toxicity in his sweat that it's not respecting gravity whatsoever. Somehow it's accumulating in a pile as though he's laying horizontally. This is incredible. Tim Butlerley, you got a closer look at that sweat. Can you describe it for the people? There's an almost imperceptible twitch on the upper lip. That is probably the most frightening part of the entire ensemble. You're completely lacquered in layers of moisture right now. It is layers. How do you spell ensemble? I mean, that's a grown-up third-grade word, right? Bro, you look like both ICE and the illegal. I'm here to get you, Vince! Here we go! Triple eight. One Mexican, two Mexican, three. Wait, sorry, I did that wrong. Una, dos, tres, no. All right. So, Stevie, go ahead, and now is the time to tell us about the robbery in which you made friends with the people. All right, so I'm sitting at home. It must be about 1.30 in the morning, and I'm watching porn, because that's what I do. I love myself some porn. And all of a sudden, my porn goes out. Oh, what the hell? So, this is Arizona, and I know that everything's hot outside, so I go outside to where it's like 140 degrees, and there's a person standing on my workbench, ripping off my TV, and I'm like, oh! So I flip the light on, she turns around and looks at me, and she goes, oh, shit. So, I said, wait, hold on. Let me get my dog secured, and once I got them secured, I went ahead and got her down, and then her man started beating on the garage. And I was like, well, tell your man I'm not calling the cops. Just be cool, just be cool. So I was like... What color are these people? I believe it's my understanding you're not allowed to ask me about that anymore. Okay, Stevie, very funny. Answer the fucking question. They were both of Latino descent. Okay, very good. All right, go ahead. All right, so once I open up the garage, he comes in, he's madder and shit ready to beat my ass, and I look at her, and I look at him, and they're like, okay, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna call the cops. Are you guys hungry? And he looked at me and said, yeah, we're hungry. I said, I got pizza. I just finished cooking it. Let's grab the pizza. I bring the pizza out, slam it down, and he goes to town. He eats like three pieces, and she eats one piece. And then they both start crying, and then I had to start telling stories about Thailand again to get to them and laugh. Why were they crying? Because they felt bad they were in my place ripping off my shit. And they had to hear your comedy, right? Yeah. They were actually wiping his sweat out of their eyes. Well, it was 120 degrees outside. How do you describe your comedy in one word? What would you? Well, two words, maybe. Actually, 100. Wet and loud. I call it fast forward. That's what your comedy is. Fast forward. You're doing 10 minutes in a minute. I love it. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, Stevie, what do you do for a living exactly? What I am is I'm in a race car. So I find myself going to different race car crews at different race... Uh-huh. I find myself going to different race teams for different racing events, and I help them do stuff for the car. So wait, what the fuck do you mean? What exactly do you do in the race world? What's your job? Math. That's what he does. He deals math. What's the exact job? Stevie, stick with me here. What's your job? How do you make money? All right, so on the weekends, when there is a race, it's about two, maybe three. All right, Red Band, that's enough of the tense game show music. Go ahead. About two or three races a month is about what I get to pull off and just go and set up their t-shirts and shit and the canopies. There it is. You do merch for race car drivers. That's a great way to put it, yes. Yes, it is. It's the title of the job. I love it. I love it. And you're able to survive off doing that? Yes. How do you survive off doing that? It's just me. There's nobody else in the family. It's just me. So... What happened? Have you ever been married before? I was. I was. It didn't work very good because I'm bad at relationships. Explain to us exactly what went wrong in that relationship. I talk way too fast. Okay. She didn't get half the stuff I wanted when we were having sex. I was like, no, here, now. Leg this way, all right. Okay. And she didn't like that. She wanted something slow. Did you ever once just make love to her? I think twice. Okay. Did you ever try not talking? That's why I'm alone, big brother. Wow, you're so scary. Stevie, what do you do for fun when you're not working in the race world? What's a fun fact about Stevie that would surprise us all? There's three things that I love. I love me some, uh, some dogs. I love me some, uh, remote control crap. And I love me a 50-year-old woman who smokes and hates men. Wow. Stevie, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. Stevie. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yeah. What's one more crazy fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you? I fought wildfire. You fought wildfire? Yeah. Just one? No, I got, I got to spend some time on a hot shot crew and actually run around the nation fighting wildfire. They hung up from a helicopter and wrung them out. The great Tim Butterly, ladies and gentlemen. Stevie, up here, here it comes. It's a little jokebook, buddy. Thank you, thank you. There he goes. Stevie, everyone. There he goes. Stevie. I knew he was going to be wild. Oh, the great Heidi. Let me just remind everyone that I kind of guessed that. If you remember me saying he wrote his name a thousand times over itself, I mean, that is literally, he is that handwriting. You see what I was saying? Fucking crazy. You see that? How, how manic is that? That's ransom thought. Yeah, exactly. Nobody knows Vegas like Bet MGM and we know just how loud it can get. So sometimes it's important to turn it down or take a break because a little pause keeps the fun in play to find out more about Bet MGM safer gambling tools and how we can support you to keep your play safe. Visit the safer gambling area of our app or website. Bet MGM, 18 plus please gamble responsibly. All right, everybody, your next bucket pool we're going to meet her all together. Make some noise for Annie Teicher or teacher perhaps. I've been dating and it's been pretty bad. I'm not gay, but I'm getting there. I just seem to like the worst guys. I feel like this is a good example. The last guy I dated, one time I was over at his house, I fell down the stairs and he shushed me. And I know what you're thinking. Wow, you were dating someone with a two story home. I messed up. But dating is confusing. I'll go on a date and end up texting him, hey, we can't get to know each other if you don't come back from the bathroom. I am done telling these guys I do comedy. I am done telling these guys that I do comedy. I'm done. They're always like, oh, no way, are you funny? And I'm like, OK, Annie, we're going to cut you out there. Sorry, we had some audio issues there. Red Band, she's a victim of domestic violence. She shouldn't have done that. Annie, that was a fantastic set. Congratulations. How about another hand for Annie? Great stuff. I remember you. You've been on this show before and it was very, very, very much fun. You had a couple very viral moments and I remember them well because they pop up and I see them sometimes. You famously, I identified you as one of the whitest white women in the history of the show and I said, what is the blackest thing about you? And you answered. I shop at Ross. The clips, I mean, the crowd went wild. It was a whole thing. I think I asked you another one too, right? What was it? Most Latina. The most Latina thing about you and what was that answer? I draw my eyebrows on. Wow. Just honest and amazing. Absolutely perfect. How's comedy been going for you, Annie? It's been going well. I'm enjoying it and it's been great. You live here in Austin. How do you make money? I'm a golf professional at a country club in the suburbs. Oh, amazing. That's right. Incredible. Anything crazy up into the golf course lately? Any wildly racist moments or anything? Nothing overtly racist. I saw somebody fall backwards. You're a golfer, right? Yeah. So he had one foot out of the bunker, one foot in. There was a hill behind him. He was trying to get out of the bunker. Yeah. Exactly. And he whiffed the shot and he fell backwards down the hill. Amazing. I love it. Did you tell him, shh. Annie, you're so cool. How's dating life in real life? You're actually single? Why do you think you have a problem getting a man? Boy. Uh. What's the last date you went on? When was that? That was in January. Okay. And what exactly did you do in January? Where this? How did you meet this guy? We met on hinge. And what did he do? He took you to a restaurant or something? We got drinks and I was pretty bored. Okay. Why exactly were you bored? What is that noise? Stop that. Who ever is doing that? I just, it was just him telling me about him. What was it? And then I was there, kind of listened to it. Yeah. What was he telling you? That he, his thing about getting a dog. And uh. Was his name Stevie? No. Okay. Good. So how'd the date end? I said, thank you. Amazing. Amazing. So, you know, are you content being alone? Yeah, I'm pretty happy. Yeah. What do you do to kill the time? What, how do you, you make like homemade candles or something like that? Yes, yes. It's very sad. And uh, I do it, yeah. Just me and the wax and. No, what do you, how do you, what do you really do? Okay. So, um, yeah. I uh, you know, I, I work and I just do comedy and doing this as much as I can. Nice. When you go on a date, do you have like different eyebrows, like sexy, like, like one's up like the Verizon logo, you know. Come on. Red band. Why would you do that? This is an innocent woman and I don't know why you would offend her like that. Do you do wacky things with your eyebrows? I, yeah, it depends on who I'm going out with. You do excited ones sometimes so that you sound interested when the guy's telling you that he's thinking about getting a dog. You're just like, yeah. Yeah. I want him to. You're just up where it always looks like you're questioning them. Do you ever do that? We're just like, hmm. That comes naturally. Yeah. Sam's Armenian. So if you went on a date with him, you could just take a Sharpie and just go one, one big line across. I love it. Um, Annie, I found you're set to be incredible. So incredible. Have you been on the mic here? Is Adam the booker here seeing you? I, uh, I went on the open mic last weekend. I got called back and I just did it before this. Perfect. So everything's happening exactly as I think it should be going. This is correct. Adam has good taste. You're good enough for Adam to like you. What's the longest set you've done? Uh, 20 minutes. Red Band? I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom. And you already have a big joke book, right, Annie? You already have one of these, right? Boom. There goes Annie Teicher, everyone. That could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world. That's how it works. They're coming here to Austin. It's all happening. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Could be the next superstar. Could be an insane person. It's Ryze James Carmen, everybody. Usually it's only the fucking Asians that fuck my name up. My name's Race. Anyway. Thanks for being here, guys. By the way, Austin, Texas. What the fuck's going on? I'm Australian. If you don't know, I'm not fucking British. Anybody? Yep. So I first get into America, right? I get into fucking Dallas, get into fucking Austin. I get picked up by a fucking Waymo. Those driverless fucking cars. You seen those? I don't want to fucking get picked up by a Waymo. I want to get picked up by a Mexican with a cracked window. Your homeless people out here are fucking pretty wild. I mean, I'm in fucking Melbourne, right? Melbourne's got a lot of homeless people. Your homeless people are very specific. I got asked for 54 cents. I had to do the conversion of my hair to work out to be about $1.30. That's about 30 cents over my empathy budget, bro. And that's a think about all I got, because I did not think I was going to get picked tonight, motherfucker. I was doing fucking shots next door in fucking Shakespeare, so... All right. Let's go. Eight cuss words in 60 seconds from... Reese? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, Reese, bro, yes. Reese? Spell it R-E-C-E or I-H-Y-S, yeah. Well, why do you spell it R-H-Y-S? I don't know if you know how your names get fucking made, Tony, but my mum gave it to me. Yeah, but you get mad every time somebody doesn't call that Reese, even though it literally isn't spelled like the name Reese at all. Yeah, it's Welsh. You know where Wales is? Yeah. Yeah, why don't you ask me fucking... You have a little attitude, huh? I got fucking attitude. Those fucking mandatory COVID boosters got you confident, huh? God. Wow, look at you coming in. Oh, my name's fucking Reese. Normally in Tunisia they call me that. I wanna fucking this and I'm like... Fucking this and I'm fucking that. It's the testosterone, bro. You're on testosterone? I'm not, but I've got a lot of it. Okay, all right. Okay, so, Reese, where exactly are you from? I'm from Melbourne, Australia, man. Thank you very much for this opportunity. This is really sick. I did not think this was gonna happen. My girlfriend's backstage with me. She said, I love you. Fuck, this is sick. Okay, let's see. That's a lot nicer. You're dialing back a little bit. You're appreciative for the moment that I gave you. I had to come out with a little energy because I was freaking out, bro. You're doing good. You're doing good. So tell us about your life. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Okay. I think seven maybe now, yeah. Okay, any day now. It's gonna be seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for a living, Reese? I'm in sales. I'm a recruiter. I think you guys call them headhunters here. Hey, recruiter. Yo! All right, what are you recruiting exactly? I work in finance, bro. I work for a great company, actually. I don't know if I should plug them because they don't pay me enough for that. But they're a great company and shout out to Low Market Elevate. Low Market Elevate. All right. What a plug-it-wit. Tim Butterly. You can't understand a single word I'm fucking saying. No, not one. But if we could get the phonetic spelling of that company and look up their reviews, I think that might be nice. Yeah, absolutely. Great company. Is it really? Yeah, well, I'm made. I've just taken three weeks off to go here. Actually, we accidentally booked at the same time as the Grand Prix. Yeah. And I wanted to come specifically to Austin to do comedy and to go to the mothership. And this is the most expensive trip ever, but it's so good. And they gave me, like, I've got good time off, good people, good support, so, yeah. OK. How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? We've been together for a year. OK. Does she do stand-up, too? No, she doesn't. She just has to listen to my bullshit every fucking day. Right. What does she do? She's a... Actually, she's a... She manages a really good gym. She's a big dog. Yeah, she's actually on the screens at BFTs around the world, internationally. And we went to the one in the grove maybe this morning. I don't know. Did you describe your girlfriend as a big dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She's Croatian and jacked, bro. Yeah, she's jacked. Is she really jacked? Yeah, she's fucking got 14% body fat, bro. Is she really backstage right now? Yeah, can we get her? Yeah, let's get her out of here. Yeah! Laura, like she said... Get her out here. What's her name? Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek. All right, send her out. Yes. Have her sign a waiver. Yeah, please. Send her out. These Australians are desperate. Bro, you should propose right now. Propose? Just get on your knee. You fucked it! You fucked it! Yeah, you yelled at Tony. I'm fighting back. She doesn't know. Let's do this. Yeah, let's do it. She's gonna be there. Get on your knees. Just fake it. And then she'll hate you too. Hold on. Play it cool. I just heard the door close. I heard the door close. She's gonna come out. I don't think we should do this. I'm gonna hurt her. I'm gonna hate me for this. What's her name again? Laura. Laura. Yeah. Where is she right now, Australia? Where is she? I don't know. Where are we going next door? It's with the black guy. All right, Red Band. Jesus Christ. I didn't even hear that. Red Band's got no chance with her anyway, so... All right, ladies and gentlemen, mix. What's her name again? My name? No. Her name or mine? Yeah. I'm confused. I'm Reese. Her name's Laura. Ladies and gentlemen, mix of noise for Laura. Laura! Thank you, Sora. What's going on? She doesn't want to come up? She's next door. Oh. Yes, she's next door. Oh, it's okay. You said she's backstage. Actually, apparently, if you get an Aussie to do a Shoeie, it's like a major thing, yeah? All right, Reese. No? Don't do one. You want to do one? I'll do a fucking Shoeie. I gotta give her shit. All right, let's do a Shoeie. You got a beer? Yeah, give me a beer. All right, we need a beer. We got a beer back there, Heidi. Has anyone... has any Aussie done a Shoeie on... Yeah, like, ten times. No, let's not do it. No, I know. I want to do it now. No. I want to do it now. I want to make you drink a beer out of your fucking shoe. Oh! Whoa! It's the big dog, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa! Whoa! Look at this happy couple. My goodness. I don't know how we manifested this. This is crazy. Oh, God. You didn't manifest anything. My random curiosity. You said that she was built like a brick house or whatever. Big dog. Is that cool? You were describing a muscle mommy. Yeah, you got called the 40% body fat. What is he said about me while I'm not here? Can you flex for us? Wait, what do I want you to flex? What do you got? Let's see that fucking cock. Am I right? All right, I missed. I thought it was quick. All right, we got a beer. Come on, Heidi. Yeah, I've got to do a Shoeie, babe. I got Dave Shoeie now. Hey, babe, I got myself in a bid to pretty get me. I got to do a Shoeie. The name's Reese, not Rice. Wow. Yeah. I heard it's real. What? Yeah, her tits are real and the place is made out of cotton candy. Do the fucking Shoeie, bro. Jesus Christ. I heard it's real. I've never seen anything like that before. He's running out of place. Wow. Representing Australia. That's what they're famous for, ladies and gentlemen. But those of you that don't know, that is their contribution to planet Earth. Drinking a beer out of a shoe. That's my second Shoeie. My first Shoeie was last night at Shakespeare's. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. Yeah, we need new shoes. Now, you can call your girlfriend, Cunt, and she laughs, right? Is that how it goes? It depends. Hang on. This is like an education about Australia. So, like, you need to... It's how you deliver it. And it's your facial expressions. Show me good, then show me bad. All right, so, Tony, you're a fucking Cunt. That's good? Yeah, no, it's bad. Okay. And then you go, and then you go, babe, you're fucking a hot Cunt. All right, I'm kind of sick of you guys. Is it... Is it because you haven't found love yet? I'm gonna throw two little joke books at the same time. Let's see if you guys can catch them. Ready? One, two, three. Cracking. Count it. That counts. All right, there he goes. Reese James-Carman, congratulations to the Australian couple that really gave us no interesting content of any kind. That interview was what I call bad. But we did our best. Heidi ended up having bigger muscles and tits than his girlfriend. The muscles are real. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny Yang, everybody. We're gonna meet Danny Yang right now, and we're here on Kilt Tone. Hey, people, what's up, man? How's it going? All right, awesome, man. You know, people, I found out the word chink is an actual word, right? Not just a common greeting that it had in high school. Yeah. Seriously, man, chink, if you look it up, man, it means dent or crack, all right? Yeah, yeah. So, the common phrase is chink in the armor, which was kind of disconcerting because, like, earlier this year, like, when I went to, like, the Renaissance fair, right? Yeah, because, like, I went as a knight. Right? I went as a knight, right? Yeah. Somebody's trying to hit it. Yeah, somebody's getting it. Humor, apparently, to this crowd is the chink in the armor. But, um, no, no, no, no. So what happens, right? Like, you got to go as something a little bit more Asian-appropriate, right? So, you know, next year, I'm not going to go as a knight, right? I'm going to go as a king. Yeah, obviously a short king, you know, because that's Asian. But, um, thank you, somebody got that. Okay. Thank you, people. All right, Danny, yang. That's a bad word you were saying. Oh, cum, cum. Hi, Danny, how are you? How long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, give or take, like, 13 years. 13 years. Wow. Where at San Francisco? Oh, my God. You're telling me San Francisco. Okay. Ooh. Ooh, you're telling me San Francisco. That's some kind of obscene shit you're getting at me? No. Not today, Diddy. No. Danny. Danny, where you been doing stand-up at? It's a simple question. I'm sorry. Fucking attitudes on these people today. It's unbelievable. They're all going to be working with Kino next week. I'm going to need nowhere. Nothing burger show. I started in Dallas, but now I'm in New York. New York, very good. Yeah. I love it. What do you do for a living? I work... I work for a cancer clinic. A cancer clinic? Oh, my goodness. It's dealing out pills. Okay. You're an Asian nurse? No. Do I look Filipino? No, I'm not. Yes, you look Filipino. All right, well... You look like you've filled a few pinos before. My God. Do I fucking look Filipino? Are you gay, Danny? No, I am not. Please don't spread that rumor. Okay. Danny, welcome to my world, buddy. Oh. This is incredible. Is this what I'm like? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Now, I'm starting to get it. Yeah. Starting to get it. So, Danny, do you get that a lot? Because you have some, like, feminine energies. Oh, my God, yeah. I love how you react to everything. Everything's just, oh, fuck. Oh, God. How dare you. Fucking San Francisco. I'm gonna shove it up my ass. Oh, it's bad, man. Bad. Look at you. All right, so, Danny, do you have a girlfriend? No, no, I'm divorced. Okay. How long were you married for? About, like, 12 years. That's it. Wow, she loved you a long time. Ah! Was she Asian as well? No, she was a Texan. She was a what? Texan. Okay, a white Texan. Wow. Yeah. That was a rare friend. Hell, yeah. Where'd you meet this at? Where'd you meet that girl at? I met her online. Okay. I was in New York, she was in Texas, then we kind of, you know, it was like one of those things. Wow, look at that. And you guys were just, you know, chatting online, and then you went and visited her, or she came up to New York? She came up to New York first, and then, like, you know, we couldn't afford to, you know, live in Dallas. Okay. Look at that. Wow. And then, okay, so why did the divorce happen? Where did things go wrong with you and this sweet little white Texan? Oh, my God. It's... Oh, my God. I can't even... I can't even fucking get started, Tony. She's the fucking Christ the list goes on and on and on. Tony! There's all Texan women in here. I'm not going to say shit. No, you go right ahead. You go right ahead. You say the shit. Be honest. She was good. She was a great person. It's just like I had to do something with my life, you know, besides, like, you know, just hanging out at, like, you know, freaking Water Burger. Right. You can't just hang out at Water Burger. No doubt about it. That's what she wanted to do. Did she get a little chubby as the years went on? Yeah. Yeah, she did. Danny Yang's like, no fucking way. Oh, my God. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch, get it together. Oh, my... Too much fucking Water Burger, bitch. Ha-ha-ha. I love it. Yeah. There's all the sound effects of their relationship. But you didn't make any kids, huh? No, no, no. You want some cream cheese in your wonton? No. Come on, nobody wants those half-reeds in Texas. No, nobody wants what? Those half-reeds in Texas. Oh, my goodness. Gracious. I think there's a lot of... Asian races. We need half-Asian, half-whites with our booming tech industry. Well, it's like, how indecisive are you going to be? Either make, like, a round eye or, you know, a slanted eye. You know, just... unless I mix it. Asian and whites make hot, hot kits. Well, it's always like somebody's winking, right? One... I love it. Are you 100% Chinese, Danny Yang? I'm from Taiwan. Oh, perfect. Ha-ha-ha. So, yes. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Soon to be China. Yeah. Soon to be... Yeah, you got it, though, man. I'm not going back there for a while. Wow. Amazing, Danny. When's the last time you were there? Oh, God, I was a kid, man. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they were... They were throwing me on a boat, getting me out of there. All right. That's an odd way to travel to China, but okay. I like it. What do you do for fun, Danny? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies. Well, yeah, I mean... Oh, my God. Red Band. Red Band. God. What did you do that to him? This is an innocent man who's just trying his best. I don't know why you would embarrass him like that. Do you sucky-sucky? Oh, they're betting on how much you have on you. Okay. He's gotten that bad. Oh, my God. All right. So, what are we at with the hobbies there, Danny? Oh, I'm a screenwriter. I'm here for the Austin Film Festival. Oh, nice. Yeah, I'm here as a writer. Oh, wow. Okay. You wrote a screenplay that's in the festival? Yeah, I wrote a screenplay. What's it about? Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Tony! Why do you ask these questions? I'm fucking straight. I'm Danny Yang. It's a fucking batch. All right, go ahead. What's the screenplay about? I got two in. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Your wife probably did. Yeah. Hey. He doesn't have strap-on energy, everybody. That should have a dick. I don't need a strap-on, man. I mean, in your butt. Oh, fuck. All right. They're called cucumbers, you know? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. What the hell? What the hell? I love you, Danny. You're a funny guy, dude. You're gonna go to San Francisco now, man. Oh, my God. Let's go. You know. Let's go, Danny. They called it love and lost and left. I love it. Danny. So, other than screenplays, you seem like a guy. You have a fish tank? I'm getting fish tank energies from you. Do you have a fish tank? I don't have a fish tank. You don't have a fish tank. Have you ever? No, no. My dad had one. Your dad had one. That's what I'm feeling. It's feeling fish tank. It's clearly coming from your father. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's your favorite karaoke song? I like that Elvis. A little bit. A little more conversation. A little less. A little more conversation and a little more action. Whoa. The Golden Age is an satisfaction in me. Wow. I like that one. Look at that. And Gangnam style, obviously. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. been on a few dates and they've been horrible. It's New York. Really? Can you tell us about a bad date? Can you give us an example of something, one that just went that you hated? Well, I kind of went on one where it was another comedian, but she would not engage with jokes. It was like having an outer body experience. It was just like, do they not have humor where you're from? And she didn't think that was funny. I was like, obviously not. She wasn't having any fun. Is this another white girl? Yeah. Have you ever been with a black woman? No, no, not yet. Oh, not yet. Have you been with a Latina before? No, I don't know. Have you ever been with anything other than a white? Actually, no. Really? Yeah. Have you ever been with an Asian woman? I have only been with white women. Now that I think about it. Look at you. Look at this guy. This is like a. They'd be trying your race. That's me. I love it. It's got to be hard for you to make love to Asian women. It's like looking at yourself, right? Yeah. Two wongs don't make a right. Oh my god. Thank you. Danny, I feel like I could talk to you forever. How long you in Austin for? Probably until like Halloween, November 1st. I'd love to have you on Secret Show Thursday. Oh yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. We're getting a big jump up too, Danny. Make some noise for Danny. Thank you everybody. Danny. Thank Danny. All right. We're having fun. How about a hand for Heidi? She has a new podcast. Love on the line with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi. Look at Heidi fixing Kino's problems for some duct tape. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by duct tape. This episode is actually brought to you by Talkspace. As you can tell, some people really need the help. Go to Talkspace.com. Use the promo code killtony. Save your own mental health. All right. Your next bucket pool, everybody. We're flying through them tonight. You guys still having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for David Wayne, everybody. It's David Wayne. I used to have a job where I read a lot of police reports. And sometimes in the police reports, the arresting officer will write in the narrative, my body-worn camera was active during the arrest. I never wrote out that whole phrase. They would abbreviate it. So it would read, my BWC was active during the arrest. If you're laughing at that, you're my people. If you're not laughing at that, you're still my people. I've just not been corrupted by the internet yet. Because if you're unaware and porn, BWC stands for Big White Cock. Yeah. So now, David reads a police report as my Big White Cock was active during the arrest. And every one of those, there was always an additional charge for resisting officer. Yeah, no shit, dude. This guy's coming to me holding his night stick and his baton. He was yelling out wild shit like, blue shoes matter. That's crazy. Hell yeah, dude. So obviously, if you couldn't tell by looking at me, it's pretty obvious from the set as well that I really enjoy titty fucking. I do. I just hate when the lube gets matted up in my chest hair. You guys have been great. Thank you. David Wayne. Welcome, David. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, yes it is. I love it. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Like 10 total, but six serious. Okay, where at? Tampa. Tampa, Florida, wow. Shout out, side splitters. Yeah, we love sides. filthy Tampa. We love it. Is that where you're born and raised? No, I'm from Virginia originally. Okay, what made you pick Tampa? I can't, well, sorry. Wow, all right. You can't afford what? I thought you asked me why did you pick Austin and that's what fucked me up. So, Tampa was a girl, my ex-girlfriend. Oh, okay. Everyone's X'd up. What happened with this relation? How long were you with her for? 14 years. Oh my God, a lot of long relationships coming to an end. What went wrong? You rolled over on top of her? I'm sorry. No, she was a big girl too. Oh, okay. Look at you. Couple of, yeah. How does it work? How does it work? You gotta do the lift, you know, get in. Oh my God. A lot of folds and flays, it's like origami, you know. You just get in there. You're bending a lot. Do you each pick a side to push all your meat to? I wish. You wish that you did pick a side? Yeah. Amazing. So, what went wrong with this? I started doing stand-up comedy. That's it, that'll do it. Basically, yeah, I mean, cause this is, you know, this is like a relationship and she was a nurse and, or is a nurse and she has a daughter, so like, I had to babysit but also like, go out and do, that's why I was only six years, cause like the first three and a half years, I only got up like once a week and they're not gonna get good doing that. Right. Okay, what do you do for a living? I work in a mail room. Town here. Okay. Tell more. Yeah. Like postal, Tony, not a room filled with mail. Oh, no. What do you do in the mail room, exactly? We just check in all the packages. Steal coupons from TGI Fridays. Check all the packages. Tell me about it. Oh God, get Danny Yang up here again. That's all I dare, is check packages. Oh, we got two gay D-men, this is leaving. There he goes. Famous homophobe. The resident homophobe of the show, D-madness. He's only allowed 20 gay jokes per episode. There you go. The crowd goes wild for homophobia. What do you think about the gays, David Wayne? I love them. There you go, good answer. Okay. What else do you do, David? What are your hobbies? Do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to, probably win an oyster eating competition. Oh, I go to the gym. Shut the fuck up. I do what? I do what? I swear, I swear, God, I go to the gym. Just for the smoothies, what do you do at the gym, exactly? I got out of a 14, I'm trying to slim this down. I've actually lost 65 pounds, so. Wow. Thank you. Amazing. Amazing. What exactly, take us through your routine at the gym. You go in with a gym bag? Yeah, it's actually in my office. So I get off work at five, I go up to the gym. Just a completely inappropriate sound effect. Go ahead. Nah, I just go to the gym, work out for about an hour and a half, I do the Stairmaster treadmill, then I walk down here, hit shows and mics and stuff, you know, when I can. There's a lot of walking. I'm glad it's coming up on big man season. It's about to get cold, so. Yeah. Yeah, it's hot here. Amazing. So now you live by yourself? No, I have a roommate. Oh, okay, they do comedy too? Yeah. So you're right, and it's a two bedroom? Yep, two bedroom, two baths. Two baths? Yeah. Look at that, look at you. Nobody wants to share a bathroom with me. Right, exactly. You have any weird eating habits? What's your poison? What's your just your go-to when you're feeling sad? What do you cry and eat at the same time? Pussy? Yeah, it, fuck yeah. Yeah. Did you chip your tooth eating pussy? No. It's not from Florida, that's. Yeah, that is, that's some fucking Tampa dentistry right there, real fucking Picasso of teeth. That's amazing, David. Well, my goodness, when's the last time you were on a date, David? Friday, this past Friday. Oh wow, look at you playboy. Yeah. Where'd you go on Friday? We went out to a place off Congress, South Congress, and came back to my house and you know. Wow, look at you. Yeah. You closed it with her? You lifted it up and. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I got in there. Got in there, baby. First date slam dog? Wow, we've been dating, but yeah. Wow. No, it's, because the fortune relationship, I've only slept with like three people, so. Now four, I guess, so. Yeah. They slept with three people too. At the same time, that's you, your three people. David, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Oh. Congratulations, David. Thank you. There he goes. Well, thank you. All right. We're just gonna keep going through it. We don't have another regular till the end of the show, so we're gonna get some extra bucket pulls up here today. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's KJ, everybody. We're gonna meet KJ together. Just two letters. KJ. Make some noise, Austin. KJ. Make some noise, Austin. Let's go. Listen, guys, I love my girlfriend. I'm gonna marry my girlfriend, but she is a fucking retard. I'm serious. Like, I'm gonna write a book and call it, I'm in love with a retard. Basically, she goes around complaining, always fighting, arguing with me. This is chapter one. Basically, I'm telling you that what happened was she was shaving her pubes, right? Long story, less long. She got an ingrown hair, and then she's telling me it was herpes. And I was like, what the fuck? And then she's like, when was the last time you ever got tested? And I was like, baby, I've been tested before. I never had herpes. I had chlamydia. Those are two different things. And I remember when the doctor called me and told me, I was crying. Like, I was happy. Those were tears of joy. I wasn't sad, I was just happy that I didn't have herpes. That's my time, thank you guys. Wow, all right. Sam Tripoli was the only laugh in the room there at the end. Giving it up. Giving it up for another dark hairy animal, just like you, Sam. Just like your brother. Hi, Kate J. How are you? What ethnicity are you exactly? I identify as Italian. I bet you do. Wouldn't that be nice? But what are you? A job bee. You're what? Sick. Okay. Sick, dude. Fuck yeah. And do your parents know you do stand up? Yeah, I remember when I told my dad, he was like, you're not gonna be fucking Russell Peters. Yeah. And he was like, be like a truck driver or something, right? So. How long you been doing it? To be honest, I've been doing it for a while, but I've only gone on like maybe 10, 15 shows, like Open Mics and stuff. I treated this like an open mic. That was the first time I ever performed that set, probably the last time. Right. Yeah. That's cool. All right. I thought it would crush, I'm not gonna lie. I was so excited. What was the punch line you thought was gonna get the big boom? You go, girlfriend's a retard. Ah. I thought that was a set up, but I was actually the part where I was like getting herpes and then getting chlamydia. I thought that was funny. And that's all made up too. I don't really have herpes or chlamydia. Wow. Yeah. Is your girlfriend cool with you bombing and telling everybody she has herpes? Is that cool? Yeah, she's happy. I just came here for fun. It's all fun, at the end of the day. You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job, KJ. What do you do for a living? I'm a baggage handler. A baggage handler? Wow. They let you put bags on airplanes? Jesus fucking Christ. My God. So you really do specialize in bombing and all jobs. This is incredible. That is not right. That is not right. Wow. A brown baggage handler. That's like having a black guy watch your wallet for you. Am I right? For a living a black guy or having an Asian guy watch over your soft boiled steak. Okay. Wow, look at the serious look on KJ's face. I should have just pandered to everybody and said I thought that would have been funnier. How would you have done that? What would you have done? Just did some typical Indian jokes. I smell like curry, all that kind of shit. Do you have jokes like that? Can you do one for us? Not off the top of my head, no. Okay. I don't like to panda to wipe you. Normally you do have a lot of material on the top of your head, your people. Normally. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. We're doing it tonight. KJ, what does your mom do for a living? She does like customer service. How like a CVS. That makes sense. Call center? Does she work at a call center? Not like a call center, like more like front desk people, but she does take calls, obviously. And the dad, what exactly does the dad do? My dad works at like a lumber mill. Oh, lumber mill. All right, that's different. I wouldn't have expected that. All right, KJ, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend that's real? Yeah, she's real. Okay. She doesn't have her piece. Sure. And how long you been with her? Since January, February. Okay, all right. Where'd you guys meet? Agrabah. She's a Princess Jasmine joke, I'm sorry. Is she brown as well? Yeah. She's Indian? Yeah. Same thing all the way? All the way. Fuck yeah. That's how they do it. Yep. You find yourself only attracted to those type of people? Nope. Anybody's fine, I'm not racist or anything like that. Okay, perfect. Yeah. But do you have a preference? Like we just had Danny Yang up here. He's from Taiwan and exclusively has only been with white women before. Do you find yourself having a preference of any kind? Not really, that doesn't matter. I think all women doesn't matter. Doesn't matter to me. Yeah, you have herpes by the way. What do you do for fun, KJ? You have any hobbies or anything like that? You, uh... Snowboarding, like to ride bikes, like to chill, play video games, chill like that. Wow, snowboarding. I didn't, that's another, I just wouldn't have guessed that your people really do that. A picture maybe sandboarding or something like that? Or even waterboarding, I think your people are very good at. Snowboarding is incredible. Ah! Absolutely amazing. KJ, fun times man. Come sign up again sometime. Next week. There's a little one, there you go. KJ everybody. Thank you guys. I'm gonna keep it moving along here. Your next comedian, his name is familiar. We're gonna see her again. It's Sarah Klein everybody. Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time. Good morning, everyone. Here we go. Recently, it took home a dude who's an optometrist, brought him into the bedroom. He started doing this thing where he was like, okay, here's one finger, and now here's two. Do we like the one? Very like the two a little bit better. Back to the one. Let's throw it over to a three. That one is for astigmatism. Turns out I do have astigmatism. That is not the only form of tism that I have. Yeah, my ancestors came down the tism trail. It's a history joke. I have what used to be called Asperger's. They don't call it that anymore, because it turns out the dude that's named after is a Nazi. But also that's been coming back on Vogue. I don't know, but the rebranding is it's now called Level One Autism, which for me is a gamer's mildly infuriating, because I'm like, what do I got to do to get to the next level? Wow, Sarah Klein. Amazing set. Thank you. Fantastic. How long have you been on stand up? How about six years? Six years. Where at, Sarah? Mostly Dallas. I started in Austin, but that was in like 2019. Then you moved to Dallas? Yeah. And then Seattle and then back to Dallas. Wow. What made you move to Dallas? The pandemic and my place of living closing down. I moved back with my parents. The parents are in Dallas. That makes sense. What in the world would make you move to Seattle? Grad school. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. What did you get a degree in? I got a master of fine arts in creative writing. Damn, look at you. Unbelievable. Sarah, what do you do for a living? I do cat sitting. Oh, my God. I think you hit level two. That is amazing. You're a professional cat sitter. One of the few animals that famously can be left alone. And yet that is your specialty. One thing, and that is just an incredible job. How did you start becoming a professional cat sitter? You go to grad school and then you don't get paid over the summer. So you find all jobs. There's a cool cat right here. It's D-Madness, everybody. Look at that. He's a cat that does a lot of sitting. And yet we are here with a true cat sitter. Is a cat sitting ever gone wrong for you? Anything crazy ever happened? I mean, I've had cats that want to kill me, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Occasionally, like a couple. Uh-huh. What have they done to try to kill you? Take us through it, exactly. I mean, like, they, like, stalk me whenever I'm in, like, the premises. And then they're, like, hissing. And they're, like, following me and trying to, like, attack me. And I have to, like, grab, like, a vacuum or something and be like, are these kittens? Maybe they're just playing with you. Our senior cat correspondent, Brian Redband, owns many cats. It's part of his identity. He loves his cats very much. He tells everybody that he should have cats. He's always covered in cat hair. Are they kittens? Huh? Nothing. What do you do for fun, Sarah? Take us through some of your hobbies and whatnot. Let's fucking really figure out how autistic you are. Well, I'm a pole dancer. Really? Oh, my goodness. For fun, not for money. I love that. I like to go birding. OK, tell us what birding is, exactly. It's bird-watching. It's just, like, a little more active, because you actually try to identify the species. And you keep, like, a list. Do you ever find yourself, like, trying to paw at the birds because you've spent so much time with cats? No. All right. OK. Do you do anything not autistic? I mean, pole dancing is pretty not autistic. I mean, that's incredible. It would by yourself is still autistic. And when you count exactly how many times you went around the pole, 75 odd number, we're done. Nobody touched those ones on the floor. I already counted them. Pole dancing, birding. What have we got in the three-spot, Sarah Klein? I'm a poet. Ooh, la la. That's what I went to grad school for. Wow. All right, what do you specialize in? Haikus? Or that's the only kind I know. Just, like, contemporary, free-verse, confessional. OK, so you're, like, Lil Wayne or something like that. Lil Wheezy. Sure, yeah. Yeah. All right. What's your love life like, Sarah? Have you ever? Have I? Yes. I didn't. Yes. Is there any chance you're a gay Chinese guy? Oh, my God. I don't know why this keeps happening, Tony. I'm back. What's your love life like, Sarah Klein? You seem to have cool swagger to you. I like your style, that little skeleton hands cool. OK. I mean, I was in a long-term relationship, like, a year ago. Did it last, like, about 12 years? Oh, OK. It was, like, two and a half? Oh, that's not that long. Yeah. Tell us about it. Was he autistic, too? No, I don't believe so. We met in grad school. He was also a poet. Wow. Look at that, just two poets. Cat sitting together. Was it clear which one of you was a more gifted poet? Yeah. Me. Wow. Look at that. Drop it. Who paid the rent? Who paid rent? We shared it. I love it. I love it. Do you make good money cat sitting? What are we talking about here? No, I don't know. I mean. How do you survive, Sarah? My parents right now. Wow. And how much are you in debt in college? None. None. It was all paid for. You got scholarship. I went to a fully funded, yeah. Amazing. Look at that. OK. So what are your plans for the future, Sarah? What are some short term goals that you have? I want to date a woman. Ooh. Have you ever tried dating a woman? Tried? Yes. Not six. I haven't been on a date with a woman. OK. So when you say try, what did you do? I babysat her cat for free. Yeah. I mean, I've talked to women online on dating apps. It's just never gotten to the action. Have you ever kissed a woman? Yes. OK. Have you kissed a woman in Texas? Yes. Have you kissed a woman in Austin, Texas? No. Whoa. Oh my god. Do you want to? Is there a beautiful woman out there that wants to come up and give Sarah Klein a kiss? Everybody. Wow. There's a beautiful Bruneco right there. Come on up, you slut. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Wow. She's actually quite beautiful. What a special fan base we have. Give yourselves a hand. This is a little segment on the show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it 13 years when the time is right. Oh my god. Wow. Oh. We are the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Talkspace. That's Sarah Klein. We're already moving in with each other. Are you damp right now? Red band. You can't say that to people. This is a professional show. We have sponsors. That's out of control. Are you? All right. How do you feel right now, Sarah? Good. Yeah. There was a pretty girl. I can't complain. Yeah. What a wife. Did you feel something? Was there a little fire? A little bit, yeah. A little scissor, sister? I felt something, yeah. Amazing. Amazing. How about one more time for the lady that did that? The hero. She's gone. Oh, she's signing a waiver. I love it. We have to make sure we don't get sued by whores. You know what I'm saying? I love it. Sarah, anything else crazy about your life? She's already getting clingy, dude. Yeah. Exactly. These fucking lesbians are wild, dude. Now's your chance, propose. Yes. I actually, I talked about it the last time I was on, I have two vaginas. Oh. My god. Do you like Asian girls? OK, hold on a second. Sure? Yes. Then there could be three vaginas you can't please at once, Red Dan. That'd be amazing. Hey, wait a second. Why would you say that about me? Oh, I immediately came and fell asleep. Oh. OK. Tell us more about these two vaginas. Somehow I don't remember that. I don't remember talking about this. I'm kidding, Tony. Yeah, exactly. Sounds like double trouble to me. Ew, double disgust, D'Amos. You were saying you have zero peas. Or something like that. Somehow, slip my mind. Oh, yes. Tell us about your two vaginas. Yeah, yeah, there's a septum dividing into two canals. I have two services. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right. Oh my god. So it literally looks like. Oh, wow. I mean, from the outside, it looks normal. It's just one set of labia. It's like when you actually go inside. Oh my god. It's like a trap door? No, it's like two smaller vaginas. They're both on each other's shoulders under one trench coat. Tim, motherfucking butterly. Oh my god. It's not evenly divided, though. One is actually like infant size. They had to use like a pediatric spectrum. Red band just came in his pants, everybody. Wow. An infant-sized vagina. He's literally googling you right now. This is incredible in real time. Do you have a regular hole and a premium? Incredible. Sorry, I don't mean to hit you guys with all this jargon. This is amazing. Double vaginas is absolutely incredible. So do you ever do anything with the infant-sized one? Do you ever put like a Zin pouch in there or anything? No. OK, what have you done with it? Have you ever like the tip of a pinky, anything? Yeah, I'm sure there's been like a finger or two in there. You have like a six pack, right? Jesus fucking Christ. Did you consider saving one of them for marriage? Yeah. Wow. No. My goodness. The lesbian friend seems very excited to perhaps have the old entree and side dish. This is like when you get to pick two at a PF Chang's, two entrees, I will have the sweet and sour chicken and the steak with broccoli. Do they share the period? Like, is there like a, like, or do you? Yeah. It's a double period or an exclamation point? What's it like? Yeah. Is it a tsunami? You say tsunami three times. Danny Yang comes out of nowhere. Be careful. Oh my God, I'm back. Double vaginas. A white girl from Texas with two vaginas. I have two slits too. They're called my eyes. Oh, yes. What did I ask you? What was the last question? I mean, I guess it might be like heavier than a normal. My uterus is also like an anomaly. It's shaved weird. It's kind of like double horned-ish. Wow. This is amazing. Yeah. Red band somehow came in his pants on Infigigina. And I can clearly see he's hard yet again immediately. And you're not calling your butthole of vagina like most girls, right? No. No, that's not the old red band. You are really something else. You are really something else, red band. And have we covered, have you ever considered using both at the same time? I mean, if it's a hand, yes. No, I mean, you know what I mean, actually. Don't fucking play with me. No. They have to use a pediatric speculum to look in there. So it's real small. Wow. Pediatric speculum is actually. You're getting the boys so fired up right now. It's crazy. I've never heard anybody say my Wi-Fi password out loud. But pediatric speculum is my Wi-Fi password. Stay away from my house. Do not log on to my Wi-Fi. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't leak information like this. But pediatric speculum. Pediatric speculum, 420, red band, keeps having me say 420 because pediatric speculum is too easy to guess. So I had to throw a few numbers there at the end. You could actually go in the merch store right now and buy a Kiltoni pediatric speculum as this episode airs. Heidi? The new fly swatter. We do have a brand new Kiltoni fly swatter that is for sale. You may remember a couple of episodes ago. There was a lot of flies. So our merch guy, actually, how about a hand for Brandon? He's actually here tonight. Our merch guy, along with the great McVader, decided to make fly swatters. We might have to do a Kiltoni pediatric speculum. Wow. Is there any other times? I just find this to be such a compelling interview. Are there other times where the double vagina, the old DV, has affected your life in any way? Let me ask you this. This is getting crazy. This is like old school Stern interview shit. But have you noticed when a guy's gone down on you, have you noticed that he slips into? Is there a way to slip into both with a tongue? Probably not. It's in there. Yeah, you have to go in a little bit to get to where it's right. Is it like, is it down? Is there like a map that you can draw exactly? Draw exactly away? It's like a choose your own adventure, right? That's how it goes? Kind of, yeah. Is it by the cauliflower? Like, is it next to it? Like, I'm like, walk right there. That's crazy. Right there. You're being bad tonight right now. It's not good. Stomper. Is it by the cauliflower? I'm familiar with the word. We don't have to. I know. He doesn't know what cauliflower. He doesn't know what cauliflower is. He's never seen real cauliflower before. But seriously, have you ever considered calling it a bonus level? No, I haven't. That's a free one, bitch. Take it. Unbelievable. Sarah, we love you. I'll love Debbie on the Secret Show. Very bad, Red Band. She's getting two sets. Oh, my God. Abstee madness is in heaven right now. It's got two hands up in the air because a double vagina is the least gay thing ever. So he is so happy right now. Wow. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give you one big joke book and one smaller joke book. And I'm going to hide the smaller joke book. You're going to have to find it. It's going to be quite the adventure for you. The great Sarah Klein, everybody. Amazing. Wow. Wow. 17-minute long interview. What's the lesson here, people? Have two vaginas. Oh, look at this one vagina, bitch. Boring. Oh, my God. That is a woman that never needs a pediatric speculum. Can you imagine if she had two vaginas? Dude. If Heidi had two vaginas, we'd retire. Just kidding. I'm gay. All right. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Joe Filey, everybody. Joe Filey. Fuck, yeah, mother shit. Damn. I've been working with my grandpa. We're trying to make him less racist. So now whenever he says some fucked up racist stuff, he goes, no homo afterwards. Bro, it's kind of like a flashbang. The black guy don't even remember the N word he just said. He's like, you calling me gay? No, yeah, no. Grandpa's fucking. Even like an ultimo go by with no bumper. He's like, black lady, no cat. I love that you know these terms, dude. Like, I remember in high school I was dating this Puerto Rican chick and he compared her to a pit bull. He's like, you feel safe in your house and you look cool in public, but at some point he's going to try to bite your sister-in-law. Damn, I was really hoping for a meow so the pit bull could bite it right there. Alright. No, yeah, no, no, Gramps is cool. Like, like I said, it's like a flashbang. When he goes no homo, the black guy thinks he's calling them gay and he's like, listen, I have no problem with fucking, it's just blacks. Alright, that's my time. Thank you. Joe Filey, what a great set. Best set that you've ever had on this show, I do believe. Hell yeah. That's fantastic. There's nothing I love more than when people seem to be getting better and you seem to be getting better. How long have you been on stand-up now? Uh, three and a half, four years probably. Three and a half years. And how long have you been hiding underneath everybody's beds? Where do you do it? Are you living in Austin, Texas? Uh, yeah, until the night. I'm moving to New York tomorrow. You're moving to New York? Yeah. Oh my God, wow. Yeah, I got my job back at Amazon, which I lost on my first kill, Tony. You lost because of talking about it on the show? Not, they had more problem with the retardant, the cocaine. They didn't care that I mentioned I worked at Amazon. Right. It was to follow up questions that... Maybe you should have talked about it right now though. Yeah. Are they going to be cool with f***ing... Are they going to be cool with that? Actually, they didn't have a problem with f***ing. They had a problem when I kept calling the two gay black guys them people trying to be proactive. I'm going to lose this f***ing job. Wow. Amazing. So Joe, what else is going on? Are you excited about New York? Have you been there? Yeah, that's where I started comedy. It was up in New York. And then I ran JFC Entertainment out here just running shows in Austin for two years. JFC, that's... Jokes for comics. I don't know. I always do really raunchy jokes. So he's like... I thought that was John Dees' meal plan. JFC Just Fried Chicken. But no... But no, yeah, no... Okay. But no, yeah, no... Red Band. Austin was super nice to me. I ran a whole bunch of shows here, paid my bills, and now I just Broadway, comedy, and a couple of clubs up there. Nice enough to let me come run some shows up there. So I'll go try New York. I love it. Joe, what are you doing for Halloween exactly? Because it looks like you celebrate. I'm probably going to be in Times Square barking for my show, because I only sold like 12 tickets so far. All right. Okay. 12 tickets. Okay. Let's test out the bark. Let's see. What are you going to be yelling out there? All right. Very good. Very good. It works with this face. It's like a make-a-wish. Okay. All right. I love it. What's your love life like, Joe? Yeah, what is it like? Last time we talked about this, I had a whole bunch of single moms from the dollhouse coming after me, so I'd rather not mess with a single mom's own business. What's the dollhouse? Fuck. All right. Well, they changed their name. They went full Chinese buffet. They have like the same food, but a different name now. Is this the guy that came inside the girl? Oh, okay. No, no, no. That was like a yay tall, like Guatemalan. Oh, wow. Okay. You specialize in race recognition. Someone let you nut in them? Someone let you nut in them? For like 200 extra on the $75 manager special. Wait, that really happened? I can't, they actually like, they tried to take me to court. Dollhouse like tried to have me like, I legit cannot talk about it. Wait, hold on. Because of what you said on Kill Tony? Yes, they got 20,000 followers that night. And every single mother from the dollhouse was telling me how I was ruining a single mother owned business. And then the little fat bitch, Oh, my God. We're already here, but yeah, the little fat bitch who runs the place was like, did Heidi put you up to it? I'm like, if Heidi DMs me, you're not going to see me signing up for Kill Tony anymore. Like, I made it, all right? Wow. This is absolutely incredible. You are one of the most self-destructive humans we've ever had on this show. You just lost your job, got a new lawsuit, and didn't sell a ticket to your New York show at the same time. Bro, listen, sales in two weeks are going to be all right up there, all right? If I sell 20 tickets up Broadway, he's going to be a free slice of pizza. That's, wow. And seven minutes. Look at that. Unbelievable. Tim Butlerley, what do you think about this guy? I see you're in awe right now. Staring right down the barrel of what appears to be one of the villains from Superman IV. A huge fan of your comedy. That was an incredible set. I've just been staring at your head for seven minutes. I mean, I'm not vaccinated. I'm not even sure which questions to ask. I guess I want to start with, are you aware of anything that might have happened either during childbirth or your early life? I mean, my mom's not vaccinated, but she took Tylenol. So I'm meeting John Cena at some point. Yeah, for sure. What else? What do you think? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah, but they all have a different mom and they look to be all right. Like, I think my mom was, it definitely, it's definitely not from my dad's side. That's a... Do you think perhaps when you were born you came out of the wrong hole perhaps? Some women, I don't know if you know this, some women have a double vagina. You would need a pediatric speculum. I know. I was a C-section for sure. I was a big fan. Oh yeah, there's no way I'm a vagina combat fan. D-section, my friend. I've had this head since birth. Like, I was born with this brow ridge. Like, the kid photos look the same. Yeah, it is amazing. You look in bread. On the evolution of man, you're about three in for sure. I hate that. This is the second time I've been calling in bread in this room. Holsterman called me that like six months ago when I was sitting right there. Yeah, that's what you look like. That is. I don't pick what I look like. I just got to go with it. You're damn right, buddy. I'm like a Ford Pinto, alright? At some point, you're going to look cool with me around you. I love it. I love it. I love it. A real heartfelt moment about his monster head. What's your dick like, Joe? It's like a party-sized Nyquil bottle. Okay, party-sized Nyquil bottle. Big or small? I can't tell. I can't make it, so you have to imagine it. It's only a family size. There's no party size of Nyquil. That'd be crazy. Wow, you are crushing, Joe, finally. You're killing it. Amazing stuff. You already have a big joke book? Wow, if you only had a few more... If you only had... He's leaving tomorrow to fight James Bond or something like that, right? That is true. Has anyone ever told you you look like every version of Jaws? I'll take it. Yeah, I got some pretty fucked-up teeth, too. Is that what you're going for? I thought I'd say I'd listen. Health insurance is not good with Amazon. I'm already fired, fuck it. Yeah, they're health insurance is... We're already there. Wait, you can get me a job at the dojo, right? I make a hell of a door guy. Like, I'll headbutt some people. Mike's up there. Go talk to him. The owner of the dojo, I just in Jersey... What part of Jersey? It's in Morris Plains, the dojo of Cromby. Mike Romanelli's right on the dojo. I'll be living on Staten Island. That's like a ferry ride, a train ride, whatever it is away. You're hired, bro. Fuck yeah, I'll take it. Wow, there you go. Dreams are coming true. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Bro! Thank you! One more time for Joe Filey, everybody. Hell yeah! We're having a good old time tonight. Bucket pool, number nine, everybody. How amazing. We're really flying through it tonight. We're coming around the bend, and we ain't seen the sun shine since. I just want to say, you're crushing tonight, dog. You're so fucking funny, dude. Well, you guys are the best. SamTripley.com, TimButterly.com, six podcasts between the two of them. Tinfoil hat, deep dish, dad meat, broken simulations, deep waters. All right. He's also in a group text with Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo. So if you guys would like, how many of you think you should release the group chat? Tripley, Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Mix them in for your next bucket pool. It's Jay McGuire, everyone. Jay McGuire. All right. Here we go. Uh, yeah, shut up, Conn. Jesus Christ, this fucking douchebag, he's already got fucking talking shit. I can't. Sam, we're going to talk ancient occult later. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Tony's looking at me. Uh, yeah, yeah, I get it. Shut the fuck up. Here we go. All right. Tony, you look and sound like if, uh, what is this? I drank way too much tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Tony looks and sounds like if Woody Allen fucked Woody Harrelson and shot out Woody from Toy Story. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, Sam likes it. There you go. I'm uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, I'm uncomfortable too. In fact, this cunt's got fucking seven thrones and a golden Rolex on. So we'll go for that. Yeah, don't look at me like that. You got a ponytail on a part. We're not doing this right now. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, so, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah, great. Shouldn't have drank this much. Yeah. Awesome. All right. I'm going to stop you there. Jay McGuire, my goodness gracious. Did you prepare anything for Tony? I did. I got hammered and got a rib broken yesterday. So, yeah. Oh my God. Okay. How did you break your rib yesterday? Some cunt fucking punched me. That's what happens. Okay. So, well, exactly what made the cunt punch you? Well, he owed the other cunt money and he was a smaller cunt. So I stepped in for, you know, the smaller cunt. Okay. Yeah, red band, smoking fucking cigarette. You need it. All right. I love it. You're like a bad roaster. Bad roaster, Tim Butterly. First of all, excellent set. Yeah, yeah. First time in a year and a half and I fucking, for sure. Could you get the breathalyzer? For really quick, really quickly, would you mind looking at that brick wall over there really quickly? Just take a second. Look at that brick wall over there. I'm used to doing that with a blonde eye blue eye cunt. Yeah, yeah. Keep going. Turn your head to the right. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. I have a specific question and this would really help me. Okay. I'm just gonna take a look at that brick wall over there. Yeah, just look at that wall. And is this mark from a woman using a lit cigarette to defend herself? No. Please look over there because they, dude, this is the only thing that might be funny about this. Sam, can you get into this because he's bombing at this point. He's back as high as I was. Oh my God. Jay, you are the worst. Yeah. How much do you think you drank, Jay? I drank way too much, Tony. If I knew Sam was here, we'd be talking about ancient tax and a cult shit. Wow. Look at your fan base, Sam. I remember 18 and a half years ago when I started and you took me to La Jolla to open for you and you were the first guy I ever saw do an hour. I thought to myself, I want to be like him when I grow up. I want to be like Sam Tripoli. And now I'm here to tell you, I am so glad I didn't end up. Okay. Here we go. Let's do the breathalyzer, ladies and gentlemen. Good enough. God, this guy looks like a fucking coked up gremlin. Yeah. Look at this piece of shit. What do we got? I blew better than her faked it. So let's keep it. We got nothing there, Heidi. Hold on. Oh. Yeah. What happened? Yeah. Yeah. Shut up. That camp, that can't be right. Okay. Well, or it can be right and he's not drunk and just sucks. Keep blowing. We have to teach Heidi how to use this thing before the next step. Here we go. What do we got? Okay. Well, let's just skip it. Zero. It's zero. Mother ship should afford a better fucking breathalyzer, right? Wow. You are the worst of all time. You're just horrible. All right. Go ahead. There he goes. I love it. All right. You get nothing. Jay Maguire, there you go. Put the mic in the mic stand. Yeah. Thanks, Sony. All right, pal. I got shit face. All right. Thank you, Jay. There you go, buddy. All right. This is from Sam. Sam. My people. God. That guy. Man, I just wish I could do it this year. I'm gonna be well. Dude, good day. Yeah. Bro, that guy would kill somebody for me. So I'm fine with that. It would. That would be the only way he could kill. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. He's a human. All right. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Ram B. Everybody, let's see what happens with Ram B. Hell, yeah. One more time for Ram B, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. It's getting a good, yeah. It's getting a good look at all the people who are gonna try to shit on my dreams tonight. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. So I was in the Walgreens recently getting some beer and some cigarettes to kind of fuel me shit on my dreams. Yeah. And they say, get vaccinated, get rewarded. I was like, whoa, rewarded shit. I gotta go check this out. Right? And I said, well, we're rewarded with what? AIDS? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, let me get two scoops of AIDS. Let's see. Let me get some autism sprinkles on there. Baby girl, what you want? Okay, my daughter, she want two scoops of autism. Those are measles on there. Yeah, measles, sir. Thank you. Yeah, it'd be great. I was thinking, what if DMX was your AI and couldn't answer your question? It'd be like, dog, that's my man's in them, but I can't answer your question because that would make me a snitch. Thank you. Goddamn. Yo, what's up, Ram B? This is your second time on the show, am I right? Third, yeah, I was on the bags and boxes one day and then the, and then got a little angry, then after that. Hey, so Zai, we're reunited. Look at that. It was shame, yeah. You remember him? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Welcome back. What did we learn about you in your interviews before Ram B? Yeah, I lived in Wisconsin for a long time, lived in Arizona for a long time. I think I talked about the XTC ring thing. You have a fantastic voice. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I sang one time on here. You did? What'd you say? Yeah, original song that was just, it was on the bags and boxes episode right after bags and boxes. I was right after Jay Leslin and sang that. Yeah, I sucked or Jay sucked. You're good. Can't let that audience affect you. Yo, I don't care. But yeah, so that was a fun episode though. I'll tell you that that was hilarious to me at least. Has anything happened since then? I think it's just that the boxes episodes came out. It was Kill Tony changed your life in any way. I've had some cool people come up to me and, you know, and people congratulated me and stuff. There was a cat. I was walking down the street actually about a week ago and the dudes just stopped me. He's like, hey, you know, I'm at 6th Street. So I'm a little like, hey, you know, fuck, you know, and he was like, I saw you on Kill Tony, man, keep it going. I think you're funny as fuck, you know. So that felt good. That was cool. You know what I'm saying? Anything has affected you. It appears to have though other than vagrancy yelling at you on the street. Pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was really happy. But yeah, you know, comedy is going good. What do you do for work? Yeah, I'm actually, I don't have a job right now, but I was working at a rhymes with rectum. You know what I'm saying? So what? Call center, call center the rhymes with rectum. Rectum? Spectrum. Ah, you said it. Pediatric. Spectrum. So how long ago did you lose this job? Well, I quit about three weeks ago. What made you quit? They wanted me to sell. This is going to sound crazy, but they want to be the show unless they said Candyman in a mirror three times. You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it. Candyman is what the clerk at 7-Eleven calls red band. Oh, there he is. The Candyman is back again. Oh, look who's back in the Candyman, Brian Redman. Oh, with the funny sound effects on Kylton and the inappropriate questions to the ladies. Where's your card now? The Candyman card. Too much. The Candyman card. Yeah. All right. What the fuck were we just talking about? Oh, yeah, the job. The reason I quit the job was because they wanted me to sell to people who were calling for deceased people and just the stress of the job. If somebody wanted to do it, I'm like, yo, I'm not doing that. Look at you, a man of principles. I'm just being real. So they wanted you to sell. Explain to me, what do you mean by this? Okay, so if somebody calls, you're supposed to try to retain them as a customer. And so basically I was like, nah, you know, I'm not, you know, or, you know, I'm not doing that because they're calling for somebody who's dead, you know, like this isn't even a relative. I felt like, nah, I'm not getting into all that. You know, I'd be mad at somebody calling me like, you know, my daddy dad or something. I would be pretty pissed if they were like, you still want spectrum. I'd be like, hey, fuck you, buddy. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? So they wanted to have deceased people continue to pay for. Pretty much. Wow. Democratic voters. Exactly what I was just going to say. That is incredible. I mean, I didn't realize, no, it's great. I didn't realize, I didn't realize fucking Nancy Pelosi was running spectrum. That's incredible. Every vote they can get. I actually, like sometimes on the phone, man, I actually wanted to be like, I was at DMX. I actually wanted to get like that on the phone, like, fuck you. I don't care if you keep spectrum because the customers, you know, you know what I mean? It was, it was really that bad to where I wanted to cuss the customers out. You know what I mean? That little recording thing on your thing. You can get a moment if I had him say something. You don't have it. Okay. I mean, it's, you could take the audio. What do you want me to say? Just say, sup bitches. This is kill Tony. What's up bitches? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to try to do anything or anything. I like your style. The exact way that you talk. Just do it normal. Say the exact words again. Cause I've done for itself. I'm trying to make sure. Go ladies and gentlemen and motherfuckers. This is kill Tony. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Your set was terrible, but your voice is so amazing. I'm giving you a big joke book. Rambi ladies and gentlemen. It's my second one. I appreciate it. You got it. You can sell one when you run out of money next week. All right. We're going to keep it moving along real quick here. You're not going to be able to sell one. You're not going to be able to sell one. You're not going to be able to sell one. You're not going to be able to sell one. You're not going to be able to sell one. So quick here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Friedman. Your final bucket pull of the night. One more time. Alex Friedman. Everybody clap your hands for Alex. Man, I gotta tell you. I've been trying to get myself out more often. And I met a girl who told me, oh my God. It's so nice to finally meet a sweet Filipino guy. There's only one problem. I ain't Filipino. But I ain't telling that. I was like, yeah, I love bamboo. Are you kidding me? It's my favorite fruit. I'm Manipakya. He's my cousin, father. So I suck at dating. Especially because I have social anxiety. So I go to orgies. Yeah, you know, people often ask me, aren't you afraid of getting drugged? I'm like, what are you kidding me? That's what I'm there for. I'm holding out my cup like I'm asking for loose change. Please, I need to be drugged if I'm going to be here. And if you're trying to fuck me, so do you. Oh, it's true, though. You know, I've been to a lot of orgies in the past. And the weirdest one I've ever been to, the place was empty. Not even did he was there. But all the way in the back, there were these two old people just going at it. I was like seeing Betty White getting piledracked by Joe Biden. You're welcome for that image, by the way. But then this other guy, he walks in and he's like, oh, God. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was like, oh, God. Why does it smell like broken dreams and disappointment? It basically smells like the Democratic National Convention. The old guy, he was like, all right, all right, Alex. That's good enough. Good stuff. How are you, Alex? Hey, I'm good. Is this your first time on the show? This is my first time on the show. You're adorable. Look at you. How old are you? I'm 33. 33. Wow. Look at you. What do you do for work, Alex? Well, I'm a software engineer. And I got to tell you, I've seen some weird shit on people's computers. They got incest, PCL, open mic schedules, truly terrifying stuff. Look at you. You're ready for this, Alex. How long have you been to stand up? About 10 months. 10 months. Unbelievable. Amazing. Tell us more about you, Alex. Look at your big, goofy eyes. Alex looks like if the police hired a sketch artist that used to work for Pixar. And you know what? I think it was a compliment. Tell us about your life, Alex Friedman. All right. Okay. All right. Here we go. I was adopted from Peru. My mom is from Queens. My dad is from Cuba. And I was raised in New York City. Okay. Yeah. All right. How long have you been here for? I've been in Austin for about less than a day now. I just flew in today. Wow. I was from a wedding in Chicago, but I came here. I left early because you guys are my family. Wow. Look at you. Oh, my God. Well, we kind of just met. Let's kind of feel this out for her. This is incredible. He has the Verizon eyebrows I was talking about earlier. Look at, look at those things. Oh, my goodness. Alex, what made you start 10 months ago at 33 years old? Well, my ma Coco passed away. Hey, don't you talk shit about ma Coco. No, but so I was, I was working remote as a game developer for like the longest time. You don't get to meet anybody. Speaking of games, you look like Super Mario. It's true. Hey, tell me about it. You know, the worst part is every time I come, it sounds like, Oh, my God, you have the delivery of someone that's so much funnier than you. You have this crisp and confident delivery. Like the substance isn't quite there, but your energy is amazing. I love it. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah. Jump for us a couple of times. Jump up. Wow. Red Band's comedic timing is incredible. Do the small jump. Jump. Again. You have to wait till he does it. You have the benefit of looking at him. Oh, you're giving me a workout. There you go. Heidi, bring out the turtle. Turtle. I love it. Switch, switch, switch, switch hands with a microphone. Woo. Alex, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that'll fuck absolutely anything. Oh, man. Love life. I haven't found love yet. Yeah. I've dated around quite a while. And it doesn't work that way, so I'm taking a break. You're a sweet guy. Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas? No, not yet. You want to? Is there a girl out there that'll give Alex Friedman a kiss? Anybody? No, there's one. Look at this. Come on up, sweetheart. Okay. Look at this. She thought about it and everything. Oh, my God. Some hot chicks coming up here tonight. This is incredible. Can we tap out? There we go. You're really putting me on the spot here. Why? What's wrong? You're gay? No, absolutely not. What do you mean I'm putting you on the spot? You're not excited right now? No, no, no, no. Dude. I've just never done this before. It's really easy. You just slow, and then you just shoot your tongue right in. Real quick before she gets it. Wow. Your fly is that way over. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for this beautiful lady who's in the middle of a big party tonight? Two in one night. This is the boys' first Texas kiss. The adorable big-eyed Alex Friedman. And what's your name, sweetheart? Tylin. What is it? Tylin. Tylin? Tylin. She might have a dick, dude. Just call me Ty. Wow. Ladies. To me, too. Oh, my God. He is so adorable. It's very nice to meet you. He said, and now, will you give this sweet boy a real kiss? Show him how it's done in Texas. Wow. Unbelievable. What a fucking, what an evening we've had here tonight. You best thing you can do. Red. You just got some Bollywood pussy, bro. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Look at you. And who knows? Maybe, maybe, maybe. What can I say? Look at that. I mean, how do you feel right now? You know what? I feel good. I feel excited. This is awesome to be around here with all of you people, beautiful people. This is a beautiful crowd. And we've got some really awesome hosts. Stand up straight. Stand up straight. Stand up straight. You did it all tonight, Alex. Congratulations. Go on, go on. Alex Friedman, ladies and gentlemen. A wild, adorable boy, Alex. Here's a big joke book. Oh, Jesus. You didn't catch that, but you probably have HPV now after that kiss. Congratulations. How do you feel, Alex? You good? He's hard, dude. Come on. Oh, yeah. Look at that dick, dude. Wow. Alex, you're one of the first comedians we've ever... Alex, have you been jerked off in Austin yet? You know what? You know what? Danny, get back out here. I bet you can't wait to slide down this flagpole. Hey, see me after the show. I got some special gold coins just for you. Alex, nothing you say makes any sense, you say it with such conviction. It's incredible. You are amazing, Alex. Thank you. Tell us one more before I let you go. I just find you to be so compelling. Tell us one more fun fact about your life. Like, you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like that? Yeah, yeah. I've been playing guitar for the past 20 years. Okay, what else other than playing guitar? All right, aside from playing guitar, I also, like, earned a black belt in a Kenpo. You have what? A black belt in Kenpo. I've also been doing that. Can you show us, can you put the mic in the mic stand and the joke book in your pocket and the erection away? And can you show us a little bit, can you give us a little air karate? Let's do a little fucking. Nice and easy, Michael. Come on. No, show us, no, show us your fighting for real. Put the joke book in your fucking pocket. Jesus Christ. Whoa. Oh my God. All right. Whoa. You're a black belt? Come on, seriously. Pretend like someone's trying to beat you up in front of you. Show us some fucking moves, dude. Some kata. Jesus Christ. Whoa, okay. All right, he's real. Whoa. Oh, oh my goodness. Wow. Turns out I can beat the shit out of a black belt. It's incredible. What an amazing night tonight is. All right, there he goes. Alex Friedman. All right, go. Get out of here, you little cutie pie. You sweet little fucking big butter bean you. What a night it's been, ladies and gentlemen, and I gotta tell you, there's only one way to end this show like this. But, there's gonna have to be two ways to end a show like this because we got word today that the great William Montgomery is sick, everyone. So, the Big Red Machine, the American hero, is nowhere to be found. However, we went to Eastern Europe. And we found an undeniable force that without a doubt is perhaps one of the biggest stars ever in Kiltoni history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. What's up? So, I just found out that Tranny is a slur. I didn't know that. I'm just shortening the word. I'm not trying to offend you, I'm trying to save time. Like, if there's an active shooter behind you, I'm not gonna be like, No, I'm gonna be like, Tranny, get down to the gun! Tranny, gun! And I've been to Thailand. Have you ever been, sir? Man, they're good. They trick you! You can't tell no matter how close you get. I mean, you can tell. But you can tell when it's too late. You can tell when you eat their pussy. And it tastes like dick. But so what? Shit happened to me. So what, fuck you? They got me. They got me. It is what it is. I'm a straight man, I take it on the chin, I move on. I'm a straight man, I take it on the chin, I move on. Like, if you fuck a Tranny and you have to go through an existential fucking crisis, you gay. If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it's a dude, you know what I do? I give you a fist bump and I say, touche. GG. You got me. That's how straight I am. I can fuck a dude and feel nothing, dude. The mind is more powerful than the body. Thank you so much, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. What a fucking star. Holy shit, you've done it again. His work ethic, his writing, his execution. This guy works harder than everybody in the city, by the way. I'm out almost every fucking night of the week doing a few spots and this motherfucker's doing five, six, seven, eight, nine. Non-stop new material. Non-stop fucking, I mean, you are just out of this world. I didn't know how far to go with that joke. Like, should I just keep going? Keep going. Just like, no, not now, but I mean, not now, but I mean like, I don't know, I didn't know what the end of that joke is. I was just feeling it out like there was no end. The random audience member is correct. You're feeling it right in your ass. That's what you're feeling out. There is no end. Unbelievable fucking stuff. Absolutely incredible. The shortening of the word to get to Tranny is just so funny. It's right there. Immediately when you said that, I'm like, wow, just such a perfect execution of a Tranny joke. Amazing. What is your writing process like? Like, what do you do? You sit down and try to think of it? You start with the thing and take it on stage? It is hard. Like, it's not a sit-down art, you know? Because it's always the stuff that you write down. You think you're like George Carlin, you know? And then you try it on stage. It always bombs, because you try to be too clever with it, you know? Sometimes you just got to let it go. Just got to riff, dude. Yell Tranny, dude. Yeah. Have you been watching any of Tonight's Show? Sadly not. What has happened? It's been a lot of crazy shit. Damn, okay, okay. Yeah, there's been a lot. We had an Australian with a bad attitude. I don't like Australians. It's an island that was never supposed to be found. That's true. It was an Atlantis that should have been undiscovered, dude. Horrible people, horrible accent. It's absolutely true. It was supposed to be a prison, you know, Australia. By the British, yeah. It's literally easier to understand the Australian guy. I know, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God, yeah. Get off your fucking quad bike. You racist piece of shit. Yeah. They're always so like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everything's so fucking cool, dude. Is it? We had a couple, couple of wild characters. It was a lady that had two vaginas inside of her vagina. Yes. Yes. Have you ever heard of something quite this magical? Two vaginas. Is it like two holes too? Like, well, that's what we were wondering. It turns out there's two holes inside of the main hole, almost like a, almost like a, like a backpack has a... So two dicks go in and one is like, I'll go this way. Next to the cauliflower. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Like two uteruses too, that you can get like double pregnant. One uterus. One is black, one is white. God damn it. One uterus. That's actually a great question. I guess you can only get her pregnant once, but I'm guessing the likelihood of twins perhaps is increased. I'm just kidding. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe one tiny twin. An NBA player and a midget. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Wow, that's a topical reference. Good job, Red Band referencing the 1989 movie Twins, everyone. Wow. Red Band, you know what? I'm going to book you on The Secret Show this Thursday. You get to do a spot on The Secret Show. Amazing. And take this and shove it up your ass. All right. Ari, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here? Oh, yeah, we were delayed. Well, the flight was, you know, everyone knows how I hate Southwest Airlines. It's insane. It's insane what's happening. The flights are canceled all the time. So me and Martin Phillips. Yes, he was on earlier, by the way, and he was telling us about some major gate changes that you guys went through. Oh, fuck, I should have listened. Like, how did he tell that story? Let's just hear your version. And it's great because it'll bookend the episode. We started with Martin. We're finishing with you. Okay, okay. So yeah, they changed the, well, okay, first of all, we get to the main gate. It's one of these, I don't know, Vegas airport, you know, it's like that small center and then these fucking spider islands. Yeah. So Martin's behind me. He's always behind me. I wait up. I wait up, but he's behind me. So he's back in. There's a train that takes you to different gates, right? So on the train, I see a TSA employee just before the doors close. I go to her, I go, oh, we need to go to B26. Whatever the fuck, how far is that? And she sees Martin behind me, the two of us. Yeah. Martin is, you know how much he sweats and he moves. Yeah. He's a fucking machine. Yeah. So he's sweaty as fuck. And the lady looks at us both and goes, oh, you don't need to take the train. It's just a 15 minute walk. And then the doors close and I look at Martin like fuck. Yeah. So then what we do is, you know, you know, Martin can always, at any airport, he can just call assistants and then a black guy will help him. It's always a black guy. We have the wheelchair, but no black, right? And the flight, you know, boarding is starting soon. So Martin just looks at the wheelchair. He goes, I'll just hop on the wheelchair. You push me. I'm like, fuck yeah. So we're going through the airport. And I've never pushed a wheelchair before. And the way chicks are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair, dude. Woo! Woo! We had the wheelchair. Martin had the dog triple-threaded. Woo! Pussy nation. Pussy nation. Wow. Boom, we get to the gate. And then my favorite part was when Martin gets to the gate and everyone's, you know, we have to go past everyone. I'm like, get the fuck it. So I push Martin up and then to see all these other people. I mean, of course it's Vega, so there's fucking seven people with wheelchairs. I go, we go past them, dude. They don't need it. And then to see the people's look when just Martin stands up and just goes on the plane. Priceless, dude. A miracle. I love it. Ari, you are a freak of nature, one of the best in the history of the show. You can do better than that. That's the Estonian Assassin, ladies and gentlemen. You're witnessing a shooting star. What a fucking episode. Sam Tripoli, everybody. The first guy to ever take me out on the road. Tim Butterly, one of the newest residents to Austin, Texas. They are two of the best comedians in the world. Sam Tripoli.com, Tim Butterly.com for tickets. If you ever see them anywhere near you, make sure you see them live. They are unbelievable. Sam Tripoli has a new special. It's Sam Tripoli comedy on YouTube. He's always dropping specials, always amazing stuff happening in their podcasts are incredible. Tin foil hat, deep waters, fucking broken. Simulation. Simulations. And Tim Butterly has dad meat and the Tim Butterly show. The drawing from Ryan Jay-E-Belt is in and it is absolutely incredible. That is indeed Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Oh, it's Elaine, everyone. The legendary Elaine. Look at that shadow. Come on one more time for the best band in the land. Here's a few tickets still available for the New Year's Eve festivities. Kiltoni live from the Moody Center, the biggest arena in Austin, Texas. Little, you know, six, seven, eight thousand seat upgrade from the legendary HEB Center. And it's right here downtown. So if you want to plan a hell of a trip, that's the place to be on New Year's Eve. I would say, without a doubt. Did you guys have fun tonight? Huh? Red Band? Check out the secret show every Thursday at thesunsetstripatx.com. Love you. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Good night, everybody. Sunsetstrip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You