What else we got, Eldie? I have one that might even be too maniacal for McDade. Wow. Our boundaries have never been tested. Let's find out. Keep it twisted, level. Let's find out. Based off, Eldie's guest, there's a lot to this. I'm just going to get into it. I was a child soldier. I'm 8 to 12 in the Balkan Wars. No. Holy shit. From 91 to 95. My village got taken out. I can say where so people can't look it up. But after my family was killed, I got taken in by a guy named Sergeant Nicola. That was who I guess you would call it served under. What? He was he was a real piece of work. You know, he was abusing some of the other boys who were also fighting. Never got me, though, because I slept with a knife. And I think, you know, I'd stick him. You tried something. it but those other guys wow this really has been a thing about getting molested that's the running theme of this episode we've now found the worst way to get molested worst way to get molested is you're also a child soldier when it happens we found both sides of the full spectrum you have to get molested and then you fucking put a grenade launcher on and burn an old woman alive that's how you fucking like calm down after getting molested that's brutal dude Jesus Christ what else after the war Nicola just kind of vanished we got taken in by the UN UN forces that were operating in the Balkans long story short I got adopted by a family here in the states I love my adopted family they are my family super grateful for them but here you know I got the chance to go to get my GED go to college and now I'm working at a refugee organization that takes in specifically SOTs survivors of torture and victims of political violence so I do the intakes for a lot of them and they always have me do the intakes for the folks from the Balkans who speak Serbo-Croat because I speak it too So last week I got given the slip for an intake for one Nicola. I'll say his last name, but it's unique enough that I recognized it. And then sure enough when I sat down at the intake it was Sergeant Nicola Shit He older and fatter now but I recognized him He didn recognize me because obviously you know Yeah you not sexy anymore I'm in my 30s now. You're not hot to him anymore. I don't really know what to do. If I report him, I have no evidence of what he did. My first thought was to kill him, but I'm not going to do that to my family. No, don't kill him. Right, I'm past that. kind of shit. Yeah, no more killing. I don't know what to do. Do I bring it up with my supervisor? I don't... I just don't know what to do. Yeah, you do. I still can't even believe it's him after all these years. But yeah, bit of a heavy one. Would love your guys' input. Jesus Christ. Start a podcast with him. Yeah. Well, I will say that I looked up Sergeant Nicola and there appears to be a novel about someone named Sergeant Nicola. I was going to say, if this was a fake call, riveting screenplay. Yeah, top notch. Yeah. It's good fiction, if it is fiction. Yeah, I think starting a podcast is a good way to go. It's like when Louis and Marc Maron finally sat down to hash it out. At the end, it's like, so are we good, Sergeant McCullough? Yeah. Dude, I was just jealous the whole time. That's all it was. You were young. You were the best sniper in the unit. You had a whole future, Hattie. I was jealous. and you and the other boys fuck dude yeah I mean I think you can snitch on this like first of all you can tell he says he works for an organization that like you know helps people survivors of political violence you know all this kind of stuff you could just say like I know who this fucking guy is and at the very minimum you shouldn't have to deal like you don't have proof whatever you shouldn't have to do his fucking paperwork at the very least you should be like and also the people that work with you know they know these types of people they're versed in exactly this kind of shit although you could fuck up all the paperwork you could put them in bureaucracy hell do the intake and send them back to the fucking ball game reject his application yeah exactly what can you do to fuck up his application this is one where maybe you should forward the papers to ice and let them sort sergeant yeah if ice has to come in in a in a rented minivan with fucking yeah masks on but then i'm gonna be like all right put it in the white pile yeah why don't we get to later yeah they're just gonna hire former fat white war criminals are like oh dude you good like hey you uh you good at finding children hey we have a bunch of kids and we don even know whose parents they are anymore Yeah dude we can pay you but listen every fucking Monday you get three hours in the lost kid cage You need some work with kids who are off the grid? He's going to be leading an ice splinter cell. They'll just put him to work making a child soldier brigade of ice for sure. Fucking nine-year-old Mexican kids. You see Sergeant Nicola down in Venezuela blowing up fucking boats. That's the first time my life has had purpose since the Balkan Wars ended. He's going to start like the Hitler Youth equivalent of ISIS. Absolutely, dude. The icicles. Having to sit across the table. First of all, good on you for being able to even do that shit. Yeah. And it's good that even though your first instinct was to kill him. To murder him. Which is fair. Which is completely fair. With the skills that he taught you. Completely fair. It's kind of poetic. If this is a movie. Yeah, that's the way it ends. If this is a movie, I'm saying earn his trust and then torture and kill him for everything he did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is not a movie. You're a real guy. You've worked really hard. You have a beautiful adopted family. You're probably going to start, you know, probably have your own family or starting your own family, whatever. That is not, in real life, violence, unlike in cool movies, violence is not the answer in real life. Unfortunately, yeah. If you did torture this guy to death, as we'd all like to see, it would probably fuck up your life more than this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. You're just risking. Honestly, I won't even say it necessarily will fuck it up. You're just risking that it will. Yeah. Because if you get away with killing him, it probably would feel awesome. Yeah. Right? In the moment, but then you're looking over your shoulder the rest of your life. I think I could probably kill a guy who wronged me and my conscience would be okay. I just wouldn't want to go to jail. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, that would be my big fear. I don't know. I'm not losing any sleep. This guy's a complete piece of shit. He deserves to die and go to hell. The right thing to do is to report him, like you said. The fun thing to do is bury him. Just fucking go Jimmy Hoffa on this dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put him under the metal lens. We cannot give you that. No matter how much we'd love to officially give you the advice of murdering him, officially we'll say do not do that. Report him. yes tell your fucking boss your supervisor even if you don't worst case scenario you shouldn't have to process this guy's application make sure you're not the one doing his paperwork like you give him a strong thumbs down yeah you're not you're probably not gonna get like a happy resolution to this but if you pass the paperwork off to someone else at the very least you're like okay I just don't have to think about like you know he's out there but it's like you knew he was out there before you know what I mean but if you if you try to process if he processes the paperwork he going to kill him Because he going to know where he lives True true yeah And the more you spend thinking about this guy it's just going to drive you insane. That's a good point. You knew he was out there somewhere. I guess you were hoping he was killed in the wars. But, you know, yeah, get this off your plate. But, man, this actually would be a sick movie. Yeah, that would be awesome. Yeah, write about this. It just is a movie. This guy's just telling us. telling us the fucking story of a movie I can't wait to find out that we were it's a Van Damme movie we had a teacher in high school, a gym teacher who told us all stories from Vietnam and one of them was like, yeah, there was a village a couple clicks south of us and launched artillery and it turned out, he thought it was an enemy camp and we actually blew up a village and that exact story is from a book called The Things They Carried about Vietnam this guy was just stealing he's like, we shot what we thought was a water buffalo. Lying such hilarious ways. He was like, we finally made it across the river. There was this weird tribe. Colonel Kurtz was in the cave. He was sitting in the dark. But we actually worked for the same company briefly. Yeah, and bleep it out. There were incredibly annoying customers, and I was just trying to think about this guy's story. How do you treat incredibly annoying customers that you don't want to deal with? There was a guy who hated me and I hated him and we just mutually detested each other. He called on the phone and be like, hey, can anyone else help me? Not you. He would literally say that. Then he came into the store when we were really busy and he was in a rush and frantically looking for supplies for some job. He came to my desk to try to get some help and I was like, someone else can help you. It's a nice, satisfying moment. That must have felt awesome. That hit like crack. Give him the old run around. Yes. Make their life hell in a customer service type of way. Yeah, man. Good luck. This is fucking insane. That's one of the wildest things I've ever heard. That could be you, Aldis. If Greece didn't take you in, your family and his refugees. Aldis slit the throat of the guy who was trying to kidnap him into the child brigade and he fled to America. I kind of wish it was me. Kind of like how I wish I joined the military right after school. You wish you were getting molested and having to murder people at nine years old? I wish I had this cold, emotionless demeanor of our caller here. Yeah, I'm sure his day-to-day is a lot easier than yours. You could have had whatever the Albanian equivalent of a Dodge Charger is. A donkey. A donkey. A horse with not missing any teeth. A crippled mule.
