Episode 343: Transforming Toddlerhood with Devon Kuntzman

Parents, are you looking for a screen-free, engaging way to teach your kids the Bible? One that's easy to understand and enjoyable for multiple ages? Kids Bible Stories Podcast is here to help. I created this for my own children, and it's now a favorite among thousands of families. Kids love the vivid imagery, scriptures, and sound effects, while parents appreciate the apply section for meaningful conversations. We have hundreds and hundreds of beautiful episodes that bring the Bible to life when you simply press play. It's a sound and practical resource that walks alongside you as you teach your kids. We want kids to see how incredible God's Word is in an engaging and memorable way with Kids Bible Stories Podcast. Listen to Kids Bible Stories Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Hey friends, welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls Podcast. I'm Sissy Goff, and I'm David Thomas, and we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. Devin Kuntzman is a certified toddler parenting expert, coach, and the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood, a platform that has equipped hundreds of thousands of parents and aunts with practical, compassionate tools for raising resilient little ones. Through her courses, coaching, and widely loved online community, Devin helps caregivers move from overwhelm to confidence by understanding what toddlers need most for emotional and behavioral growth. We're so excited to welcome Devin Kuntzman to the Raising Boys and Girls Podcast. And let me tell you, if you're having battles over how to get your kids dressed in the mornings, she has got the answer for you. Hang in there. Okay, Devin, for our What Kids Need Now series, we'd love to start just a big picture. So in your work with Transforming Toddlerhood, what do you believe toddlers need most right now in this moment? Well, gosh, when I think about this, and being a toddler, being a young child that has very little life experience here on this earth, I really feel that adults need to understand that toddlers aren't many adults and stop holding them to the same standards that we hold other adults, especially when it comes to impulse control and emotional regulation. And I think because toddlers are so physically mature, right? During this developmental period from ages one to five, kids become so much more physically capable. They meet all of these milestones, are able to do so many things that we think that their emotional maturity is developing at the same rate. When, in reality, toddlers have very immature brains. They have very little life experience. And quite frankly, the standards that we sometimes hold toddlers to, we can't even live up to ourselves when it comes to emotional regulation. This is so true. As we're recording this, Devin, I have a much younger sister who has two little guys, one seven and one three, and I went to the three-year-old Christmas program this morning. And it was a wonder to behold. And I mean, we could all learn so much from preschools to your great point. They said, parents, if they jump up, if they run off the stage, it is totally fine. We do not mind that a bit. Just don't let them run out of the room. Right. But it won't lose anyone. Yes, that's exactly what they said. And I think you're right. I mean, we just need to have so much more awareness of where they are and what they're capable of, truly. So thank you for that answer. And I think out of our expectations, we end up talking with a lot of parents in our counseling offices who feel very overwhelmed by toddler behavior. What do you wish they understood even more to your point about what's happening underneath the surface in terms of development? Yeah. I mean, everyone needs to think about toddler behavior as communication, right? Your toddler is not waking up every day saying, gosh, let me just do my worst today. I'm just going to show up like the worst version of myself. And we would never say that as a parent or as an adult. So honestly, toddlers are doing their best every day. Just like we are as parents doing our best every day. Toddlers aren't waking up and saying, I want to do my worst. So the behaviors that are most challenging for us that really ruffle our feathers the most, like the hitting, the biting, the saying, no, the tantrums, all of these are developmentally appropriate behavior. During toddlerhood, your toddler's biggest goal, the biggest thing that they're working on in the background is developing a sense of self for the very first time discovering who they are, how their bodies work, how the world around them responds to them. And all of that goes into creating a sense of self. And so knowing that they're trying to become their own person, that's why we see so many behaviors that we might call defiant, like, you know, saying no, or you ask your toddler to do something and then they just run the other direction and do the exact opposite. Look at the camera, haha. Right? Right? We all have been there. But really, what's happening here is they're discovering that they're a separate being from us adults and that they have their own agenda and they're experimenting and exploring. At the same time, they have very little emotional regulation skills, very little language skills, very little impulse control skills. And so we have to understand that all of this behavior we see is communicating just that, this lack of skills. It's also communicating their feelings and emotions. It's communicating their basic needs, like if they're hungry or tired. It's communicating their sensory needs. It's communicating their developmental needs, like the need to exert their will to feel capable, to have a sense of control, to experiment and explore. Things that are very important to all human beings but are especially pronounced in toddlerhood as they try to become their own individual. And when we understand this, we can start to have a little bit more empathy for toddlers knowing that they're not trying to be bad or make our lives miserable. They're having a hard time. And when we understand this, we can stop really punishing toddlers for being human and for being at the stage of development that they're at because we wouldn't punish a child for maybe struggling when they're learning to ride a bike or when they're learning to swim if they make a mistake. So we have to think, why would we punish a child for having a lack of skills, what we need to do is support them in learning the skills that they need to be successful. It's so good. Okay, let's just be honest for a moment. 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So how would you say today's environment impacts toddlers differently than it did even five to 10 years ago? Oh yeah. I mean, first, we're in a society that is extremely fast paced and extremely over scheduled. And because our lives in general are very over scheduled, and then there is this idea that we need kids to be doing all these things very early on, whether it's you know, already like learning how to play chess or so taking like three year olds taking chess lessons or maybe, you know, being in soccer at age three, things like this that children are getting their lives very, very over scheduled. And then there is not a lot of space for unstructured play. And we know from the research that this lack of unstructured play leads to a lot of correlated with a lot of outcomes that are not favorable, like increase in anxiety and less problem solving skills, because kids need freedom to experiment and explore and to learn through play because play is the best way for kids to learn, especially for the first five years, not to mention if we're feeling stressed by being so over scheduled, not to mention the state of our world and all of the, you know, adult things that we're sifting through and hearing on the news all the time. Our emotions are contagious. And we know this through the neuroscience that kids are going to pick up on how we're feeling. And so the more dysregulated, the more stress that we are, it's going to translate to our kids. And what that translates to is seeing more out of control or challenging behavior. And so it's kind of like a vicious cycle. And then throwing screens on top of that, knowing that screens are everywhere, and not to mention that it's hard for even us as adults to break away from our screens, not to mention trying to keep our kids, you know, within a really realistic, developmentally appropriate amount of time on screens, or just not having screens at all at a very young age. Parents are working against a lot, and it's creating just a lot of stress and over-simulation for both parents and kids. We sure see evidence and hear evidence of that a lot too. You talk so much in such a great way about connection and co-regulation and the importance of that. And so we would love to know if you have a couple of favorite ways for parents to help kids, help toddlers get regulated when they're kind of spinning out of control. Yeah. Well, this is my favorite. And I think the most powerful thing that we can do, and also parents don't always love to hear it because it focuses on us. Right? First, we always want to look outside of ourselves to fix something, but really that co-regulation and helping our kids regulate starts with us. And one great way to do this is to establish safety. By establishing physical safety, meaning making sure your child's safe, physically safe, and you're physically safe, will take away any actual physical threats or any perceived physical threats that our brain is perceiving and will help us disrupt that stress response. Because when we are dysregulated, when we are triggered, when we feel in the verge of yelling, we are in that stress response in that state of fight or flight. And so the goal is to disrupt it. And so when we establish that physical safety, we can literally say, just say it out loud, this is not an emergency. I am safe and my child's safe. Now they might still be screaming, right? But as long as everyone's physical safe, physically safe, then you can start to really decrease that false sense of urgency by disrupting the stress response and practicing grounding yourself. And that's going to look different for everyone. For myself, I like to smell like essential oils or maybe look out the window to reconnect with nature or even throw open the window, get some fresh air. That's really helpful for me. Sometimes I even keep bubbles in my house and I'll just start blowing bubbles. And it's a good way to get myself breathing and to kind of lighten the mood with my child. And so looking for ways to ground yourself. And if you're not sure what's grounding for you in these moments, you can make a list of three things. Put it on a sticky note, post it on the wall and just see, practice them and see what sticks. But knowing that this is really the foundation for co-regulation is regulating ourselves so that we can bring that calm to our kids. Because it doesn't matter if you address your child's behavior right that second or in five minutes or in 15 minutes. What matters is that you've established that emotional safety. And some other things that you can do once you're ready to respond to your child, then you can use connection to your favor. You can use physical connection like proximity, being close to them, getting down on their level, maybe putting it like a hand gently on their shoulder. You can have a warm tone. You can have non-threatening body language. You can just check in with your child and say, I'm here. I know this is hard. If your child's in a full-on tantrum, less is always more in the way of talking. But these are some ways that you can start to create that co-regulation. It's so good. You made mention a little earlier and wanted to go back to this. So many parents interpret toddler behaviors defiant. So what are some common toddler behaviors that parents often misunderstand? And how can reframing them change things? Oh, there are so many. I actually teach a workshop on decoding toddler behavior because this is such a popular subject. And when we go back to this idea about all behaviors communication, like for example, when our child is saying, no, this isn't our child being difficult for the sake of being difficult. This is our child trying to find their voice, trying to draw a line between themselves and parents and caregivers to really develop that sense of self. This is them trying to practice autonomy and bodily autonomy. It's not our child being rude or purposely difficult or hitting and biting. Hitting and biting is a common way for toddlers to express their feelings. And it's very common in one and two year olds because they have a lack of expressive language skills. They're not able to say, hey, I don't like this or you took my toy, please give it back. The way they show that is by biting the child that took their toy at preschool. And so we have to understand that hitting and biting is really just a toddler saying, hey, I don't like this or this is too much for me. Or if you have a child, an older child who's saying, I don't like you or you're a mean mommy or you're not my best friend anymore. It's hard not to take that personally. But in reality, what's going on is that we have to translate this. This is your child saying, I don't like the limit you just set. Or I feel like my voice isn't heard. I had another plan and now I feel frustrated that I can't do it. So kids need us to translate by getting curious what they're actually communicating underneath the behaviors that we see on the surface. That's so good. Well, and we love that you talk so much in your work about not just managing behavior, but developing skills, which is so important in this day and time. And we'd love to know what crucial skills do you think toddlers need now to build resilience later? Yes. Well, every challenging moment is really an opportunity for learning and growth. And this is why if we're constantly just using shame, blame, guilt, judgment and fear to try to get our child to blindly comply, then we're actually stealing these opportunities for learning and growth. And some of the skills that we really need our children to learn for success later are emotional regulation skills. For example, we don't want our children to learn just to shove down their feelings and emotions to please adults whenever they're because a child's biggest fear is losing our unconditional love and acceptance. So for constantly yelling at them or demanding this compliance, this blind compliance, then children aren't having the opportunity to express how they feel. So they're shoving it down. And then that doesn't create that emotional resilience for later in life. And kids need to learn problem solving skills. And we learn problem solving skills best through experience. And we want kids to be able to make mistakes, have us coach them through it, and then practice and try again. Because when they learn to solve problems in a safe space with us, then when they're out in the world as they grow and as they're older, they're going to be confident in their voice. They're going to be confident in their ability to solve problems because they've already had that practice in a safe place. Same with conflict resolution skills. You know, a lot of times if a child is, for example, going back to my previous example, saying something like you're a mean mommy, we might say like, oh, you know, you're being rude, go in the corner or something like this. But really, we can use this as an opportunity to translate what they really mean, and then you teach some conflict resolution skills in these moments to help them understand that their words have impact and what they can say instead and how to repair the relationship. And it's a two-way street. When we yell at our kids, we have the opportunity to come back and repair that relationship. And every time that we repair that relationship, we are teaching our child valuable skills and what it is like to be human. Yeah, so good. Okay, let's talk boundaries for a few minutes. Boundaries can feel hard in the toddler years, especially with kids who are strong, wild or sensitive. So what does a healthy, developmentally appropriate boundary look like for a toddler? Yes. Well, when it comes to toddlerhood and setting limits and boundaries, what is developmentally appropriate and what does it look like? Typically, whenever you set a limit with your toddler and you decide to follow through on it when they know you're serious, they're probably going to have a pretty big emotional and or physical reaction. Because boundaries help keep kids feeling safe and secure, toddlers need boundaries so their behavior doesn't snowball. But they're also wired to test those boundaries and to have the sense of control and autonomy. And when we set a limit, we take that sense of control and autonomy away from a child. And then they have a really big reaction. So for example, say that your child, if you have a young child, maybe they're in the bathtub and they're doing a ton of splashing and you say, Oh, the water stays in the tub. And then they keep splashing and you say something like, it seems like you're having trouble keeping the water in the tub. It's time to get out. We'll try again tomorrow or try again later. And whenever we take them out of the bathtub or let that water out, they're probably going to feel really upset. But that doesn't mean that you have a bad child or that you're a bad parent. What it means is your child's having an emotional release, which is part of the process of them accepting the limit. Because it's your job to set the limit, it's your child's job to test it. It's your job to follow through. And it's your child's job to have a reaction when they realize that you're serious and you're not going to waver. It's your job to support their feelings and emotions while still upholding the limit. And it's your child's job to accept the limit. You can't accept the limit for your child. They have to go through their own process, their own emotional release to get back to their emotional equilibrium and accept that limit. And the more consistent we can be in our limit setting, the less pushback we're going to have. Of course, if our child is tired or hungry and some of those basic needs aren't met or they're overwhelmed and maybe some of their sensory needs are unmet, then we might experience more pushback. But it doesn't mean you have to do it perfectly. It means that more often than not, it's predictable that you're going to respond in a certain way. That's what consistency means. Consistency doesn't mean 100% perfect. Thank you. Yes, yes. And in light of that, I think we have been both of us counseling for 30 plus years at this point. And we talk often about how we have never felt like parents were as discouraged as they are in this day and time. And I think part of that is all the things they feel like they're supposed to be doing with kids, including play. So for parents who feel exhausted, anxious, maybe even, but know they need to be incorporating more play. What are simple, doable ways that they can build more play and connection into their everyday routines? Yes. Well, play is the work of childhood and play is also the language of childhood. So while it is our kids job to play and that we don't have to accept every invitation to really get into our child's daily play, whether they're doing pretend play or building blocks or things like that, if we incorporate using play in our parenting toolbox, then it creates a lot more connection, which leads to a lot more cooperation because we're connecting on their level. And it's really hard to do when you feel tired and overwhelmed, but it doesn't have to really take a lot of extra time and energy if you kind of just weave it into the routines that you're already doing. So sometimes it might just be adding in like a tiny moment of delay inside of like an everyday task, right? Like say your child's getting dressed, there's this really funny book called like, I think it's called like Red Hat, Green Hat. Oops, my son loves this book. So sometimes if like we're getting dressed, then I need to redirect him back to what we're doing and get him back on track. Maybe I'll like try to put his like sock on my hand or like his pants on his head. You know, I'll do something silly. And this just creates that little moment of play and connection that gets him and I reconnected and reengaged in what we're doing. Or take a challenging moment like teeth brushing. For young children, brushing teeth can oftentimes be challenging. So sometimes I'll be like, wait a minute, is that a piece of chicken I see back there or rice or broccoli, whatever it is. Wait, let me see in there, you know, and then like just make it into like a silly game and then my son's trying to see it, you know, and so what you want to do is just incorporate more of like a playful demeanor or attitude into everyday moments, whether things are going well or whether things are starting to go off track. It can be helpful in all of those moments. Great. I'm going to incorporate those tonight. You're ready to test drive. Yeah. You know, we are firm believers that we all need a little more laughter and a whole lot more grace. And if you are raising a child with ADHD, dyslexia, autism or another learning and thinking difference, you know how intense some days can feel the advocacy, the school meetings, the meltdowns, the moments when you wonder if you're getting any of it right. If that hits home, we recently found a podcast we think you'll really appreciate. It's called Everyone Gets a Juice Box for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids. Check out a few episodes, including one about parenting regrets after an ADHD and autism diagnosis and another about how, quote, fine isn't always fine when it comes to dyslexia. You'll appreciate the tone. It's honest. It's warm. It's funny in the way that only parents who truly get it can be. You can hear the relief in their voices when they realize they're not alone. It feels like sitting down with other parents who understand the mysteries, the multiple diagnosis and the beauty in the middle of it all. If you could use that kind of community and encouragement, we really think you'll like it. To listen, search for Everyone Gets a Juice Box in your podcast app. That's Everyone Gets a Juice Box. Are you looking for a new way to engage with God's Word every day? The NIV Illustrating Bible helps you interact with Scripture and deepen your faith by giving you room to journal your thoughts, reflections and insights right alongside the Bible verses that inspired them. The large size and spiral bound format allow the Bible to lay completely flat, giving you the ideal surface for writing and drawing. Find the NIV Illustrating Bible on Amazon or at FaithGateway.com. We know toddlerhood lays the groundwork for emotional intelligence. So what are one or two practices you believe help build emotionally strong kids even at age two? Yeah, there's two things that really stand out in my mind. So the first is just practicing gratitude. It is amazing how far we can get with our kids when we practice gratitude with them and delating in them without expecting anything in return. For example, sometimes I'll just say to my son, like, oh, thank you so much for eating dinner with me. It was so nice to spend time with you or thanks for going to the grocery store with me. Okay, he didn't have a choice. He didn't have a choice. But because I'm showing this gratitude, I'm modeling gratitude to him. Sometimes he won't say anything. Other times he'll look at me and he'll say, thanks, mama. And he'll smile. And like what I'm doing is like really creating buy-in and enrolling him through using connection to be more like amenable to doing things that maybe are on his agenda or aren't on his agenda as a kid. And so I just think there's so much power in that connection through gratitude when we express it for in just random moments, not expecting anything in return. And I think the other most powerful thing we can do, which I mentioned a little bit earlier, is this idea of repairing the relationship when we respond in a way that maybe we don't feel so proud of or wasn't what we expected. And it goes beyond just saying, I'm sorry. Now, I mean, there's nothing wrong with apologizing. But also sometimes when we say we're sorry, we might be like throwing ourselves under the bus or just saying, I'm sorry, like doesn't really create the change in our brains that have it go differently next time. So when I think about repairing the relationship, and I talk a lot about this in my book, there's really like a four-step process for me. And that first is taking ownership. So you might say something like, oh, before XYZ was happening, and I lost control of myself and I yelled. And then you want to check for impact. So you might say something like, how was that for you? If you have a really little kid, they might not say anything, or they might say, bad, or something like that. If you have an older child, then they'll say something. But maybe not at first, if they're not used to you asking them this, so it might take some practice before they feel safe saying something like this. And then all you have to do is just repeat back. Oh, you felt like or it was blank and you just validate what they said by repeating it back. It doesn't mean you agree or condone, but you're just saying, I hear you and I see you, which is really powerful. And then the third step is apologize. And then the fourth step is do a redo. So you might say, next time XYZ happens, or next time I feel like this, then I'm going to blank. And then you say what you're going to do next time, and then practice it right then and there, because that's how we show that we're serious about having things go differently. And that's also how we practice rewiring our brains to build new habits to have it go differently next time. Thank you, Devon. I hope everybody who's listening will hop on Instagram and follow you on Instagram at Transforming Toddlerhood and get a copy of your new book, because we're so excited about them. And I certainly found you because I was the aunt of a toddler and you just have so much good, helpful, data-driven information. And so I'm so grateful for you to be sharing it with our folks today. And would love to know if you have one last bit of encouragement for overwhelmed, weary parents, aunts, anybody out there who loves toddlers, what encouragement would you give them? I would say that your child doesn't need a perfect parent or a perfect caregiver. They need a human one. And practice makes progress not perfection. And so being a good parent is being willing to make mistakes, being willing to own them, and being willing to practice again. And so as long as we're willing to be open and loving and human, that's where all of the magic happens. So good. Devon, thank you. Thank you so much for your time. You're hard in work. Yes, absolutely. We're so grateful. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. David, what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris Sterrett, our engineer, our management team at KCH, and we are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you, please consider subscribing, liking, sharing all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on always. Love the vivid imagery, scriptures, and sound effects, while parents appreciate the Apply section for meaningful conversations. We have hundreds and hundreds of beautiful episodes that bring the Bible to life when you simply press play. It's a sound and practical resource that walks alongside you as you teach your kids. We want kids to see how incredible God's Word is in an engaging and memorable way with Kids Bible Stories Podcast. Listen to Kids Bible Stories podcast wherever you get your podcasts.