118: Chef Microwave with Tommy Pope | Soder Podcast | EP 116

Hey everybody, I'm back on the road, February 13th in Orlando, Florida. Florida? I don't know why I said that so weird. But I'm going to be there. February 13th, Orlando, Florida. February 14th, Tampa, Florida. February 28th, Buffalo, New York. I'll see you there, hopefully. DanceOder.com for tickets. I was holding that in. I don't know if we kept that in. But that was real Burt. i mean we don't even need it we don't do intros on this but this is the one guy i want to intro from stuff island are we are we rolling yeah from jesus christ we don't we don't fuck around no kissing no kissing on this podcast don't we right to insertion tommy motherfucking pope let's go stuff island look at dish a guy i've known forever that i fucking love and one of my friends that this week i'm in a position of like i want you to be miserable this weekend because the 49ers are playing the eagles yes yeah well this sucks this sucks having an injured team sucks yeah so bad because if we were full strength this shit i would be talking to you yeah but we have literally and if you're not a sports fan dad people hold on people sometimes do this with the podcast where i talk sports and they go i don't like it i'm telling you right now yeah cut to the 15 minute mark yeah we'll be on to something else we get the same shit you start mentioning sports to these fucking yeah the range to the 15 minute mark yeah and i understand that the game already happened yeah i'm probably very upset about it yeah he's probably on fucking cloud nine about it who knows who knows one of us will be dead but if i will say this if the 49ers were at full strength no if we win or you guys don't beat us by two scores yeah you need to fire an offensive coordinator Let me tell you something. You want to talk about healthy? You want to talk about healthy? Our OC has a blown ACL, MCL. His fucking head is backwards. That guy is going to get shot to the fucking moon in a cannon dance. Let me tell you something about Eagles fans. You guys are the defending Super Bowl champions. Yeah. You're the defending Super Bowl champions. Arguably a better roster. Easily. Yeah. Howie Roseman is, it's not even an argument. Yeah. He's the greatest general manager the NFL probably has ever seen. Yeah. This is a deep catch. It's deep because I can't. I got to do something with my feet. I know. Keep going. Keep going. Talk about our fucking team like this. But Howie is like a guy where I watch. Now, again, Niners, Eagles, when we bump into each other, it's always a little nasty. I like that. But in the NFC East, you guys are all my friends are Eagles fans. So I like watching you guys. I pay attention to the team. Howie is like the greatest general manager. Your roster is locked to 2028. It's crazy. And they're young. And they're young and good. Outside of a couple dudes, they're young as hell. But man, oh man, your offensive coordinator has been getting eggs thrown at his house. Brother. People in Philly are going to his house and just screaming at him. That kid, he deserves much more. What is it? I don't know. Because our team is, I can name you what's wrong with our team. ACL on Bosa. Ankle on Warner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ACL on our backup. Objective things you can lay your head on. medical conditions. You can at least leave this season going, look, we had some injuries. And also, and 49ers fans will tell you this, to be off season, oh yeah, you got it. You got an arm. You got to touch it. It's within reach. You're not going to hold this. Yeah, and it's also a real, I know what the fuck it is, Dan. It's a game ball. I know this is a game ball. I got a game ball. Jesus Christ. Why are we doing this? Well, let me tell you right now. Let's go outside. I would love to have a catch. Toss around a one-way street. I would love to have a catch. Piss off some delivery, guys. Just Amazon drivers getting mad. Before we get back to the birds, Niners. Yeah. Can I tell you, you're the only person that I can really talk about this on the podcast. He's going to come on the podcast. Yeah. But having a friend that is a head coach in the NFL. Oh, yeah. The rage. Oh, my God. That I feel when people talk shit about him. Oh, my God. The rage. It's tough, dude. Like, Mike McDaniel's one of my oldest friends. Yeah. went through hell with me yeah when my dad died he was my best friend yeah like friends through high school we reconnected as adults when we both gave up drinking yeah i'm so proud of him yeah of course he's exactly who he is you see that's my friend yeah been the same guy since seventh grade and then i got rex ryan yeah with his fucking bad teeth calling him nerd boy he's got game show host teeth dude it's fucking hey rex throwing those in is crazy hey you fat fuck who thought blue teeth were a good idea yeah halloween halloween central now your food can see you coming in the dark you fucking i thought toes are for sucking not for you you fucking idiot calling mcdaniel nerd boy he's got more pussy than you ever have you fat fuck you couldn't make it work with his wife's vagina is in a cast oh my god him fucking crawling through that oh my god she's got buzz sawing through that book she's got nicks on her lips from those ugly ass teeth and I don't give a fuck. If I saw him in person, here's the thing is like, I'm prepped when I see him in person just to double burn him. I'd be like, fuck you. He's built like fucking pancake batter and a condom. Dude is melting. He's melting everywhere in the sun. Fuck him, dude. He just rolls down hallway. Fuck him. But I'm telling you, when you have skin in the game and it's someone you love, you know, we both feel this way when we see people talk shit about Shane. Of course. Of course. People where you're like, I don't want, if I see you, I'm going to be fucking mad about it. Yeah, yeah. But dude, this season, the Dolphins had a really tough season. You're expressing the beauty of sports. Exactly. You want this anger. Yes. Something to fuel your regular life. It's hot sauce on the boring dish of life. Yeah, yeah. It's hot sauce on eggs. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what it is. I have it every fucking day. You put a little hot sauce on there. Baby, we got anger. We got anger on a football. and what i love about it is like guy like um it's fun when you talk shit about sports but then when people actually know sports where i go like anybody that i've talked to especially shane about eagles niners and i go we're fucking injured and then sports fans can even bypass their anger to go yeah that does suck yeah of course you go i don't i don't want to fight you with a broken hand and you go well that's all i got yeah you don't want to see anyone injured and You also don't want to play an injured team. You want to beat the best. The best. That's why the Eagles Patriots Super Bowl, dude, I'll rewatch that every six months. It was the greatest game ever played. Obviously, I'm biased, but everyone's at full strength playing their best game. You're going against the greatest. Yeah, the best ever. The greatest dynasty in the NFL. What, 450 or something? It was crazy. Also, what I love about it is that was your guys' turn into the bad guys. Yeah, 100%. Same with, it was 04 with the Red Sox. 04 Red Sox, everyone's like, beat the fucking Yankees. And then they do it. And then they win another one and you go, fuck you. That's exactly it. Yeah, you're putting the Vader helmet on as soon as you get in the locker room. That's exactly it. You're on the other side. Where is Padme? Where is Sanford? No, it is. Dude, what's crazy is I watched it happen to Chiefs fans in real time because I went to the first Super Bowl they played in Miami, and I was at the airport the next day, and a couple people were like, congratulations, and people were like, we've been waiting so long. And then a couple people were like, all right, now shut the fuck up. That's how I feel about Bills fans. Bills fans, if you're watching, if you guys win the Super Bowl this year, we're over you. Yes, 100%. You got your new stadium? You got your ring? I'm a big fan. I want to see them win unless we're playing them, but goddamn, as soon as they win, fuck them forever. That's exactly what it is. The second they win, you go, so you're all right. Yeah. I mean, we dog walked the fucking Chiefs. I loved it. Yeah, we changed their whole organization. We fucking Sonic the Hedgehog. The rings fell out of their pockets. Dude, my God. Patrick Mahomes was like, I don't know what to do. Where am I? Kelsey's like straight up the whole time just looking at the clock being like, can I retire? Yeah. He does this, Travis Kelsey does this thing where he's fake blue collar. Yeah, he's Wigger King. Yeah, dude. He really is just like black cent until he dates Taylor Swift. And then he's like, I just love music. I just love it. But they were talking about if this was his last game at Arrowhead when he was playing the Broncos on Christmas. And he went, saw that billboard for that lottery. I win that. I would have used, I could have used that. He said something like that, right? I could have used that two grand. You have a $100 million deal with Amazon. Yeah, dude. Stop acting like, because you put on Carhartt that you're fucking laying rebar. I'm so glad you brought that up. That drove me insane. Yeah, where he goes. It's like you're trying to assimilate with regular human beings. You made. Bands. You're in a Lucky Charms commercial immediately after. But that's what he did. He goes, I see that lotto sign. I win that billion dollars. You're fucking Taylor Swift. Oh, yeah. She's got more money than all of South America. I think it was $20 million. It wasn't even... It made me go, yeah, it's fucking chump change. Yeah, that's your signing bonus. Yeah, it's fucking Uber money, babe. He goes, that's jet money so I can fly and see her in South America. Oh, man, I don't know. But the... Sports are fun until your team gets to the playoffs, and then it's just nerves. Tell. And then you're just like... Buddy, I'm that way. The Redskins game. Really? Yeah, I'm fucking nuts. Because there's a lot of implications there. We could have got a 2C. Oh, Seahawks game? When we were playing week 18? Yeah. And also, Seahawks fans know, you can talk shit to me and it'll make me mad. So they DM me and they're like, fuck it, go Hawks. And I'm like, first off, your fan base. You're not even a real fan base. Your fan base is fugazi. They don't care. The whole fucking, hey, the 12th man thing? Yeah, yeah. They stole it from Texas A&M. 100%. They have to pay $35,000 a year to use the 12th man. You fucking hacks. Way to steal your thing. Pacific Northwest and fucking Florida. None of it's real. None of it's real. None of your teams fucking matter. I don't care if it's hockey, fucking the lightning. Suck my dick. They win all the time. Dude, the Panthers. The Panthers are a dynasty right now. Yeah. I just got into hockey. Dude. And I'm a Bruins fan because of the family I'm marrying into. Yeah. Because they don't fuck around. No, Bruins are a staple. But here's the deal. Here's the thing with sports. especially when you're marrying into a family or you're dating somebody you gotta check what who the family's number one sports team is because that's gonna be the one that dominates had they been a patriots family yeah it'd probably be a little bit weird 100 because i'd be like all the niners are yeah one time i was flying into boston from london and i had my 49er hat on this is just boston this is boston sports in a in just one moment yeah i'm going through fucking uh i'm going through like customs like the guy's looking at my passport thick ass boston accent and i'm wearing my niner's hat and he goes okay you're in london for four for seven days all right and he looks at he goes niner hat in boston that's risky and i just push back immediately i go for what what's the rivalry yeah and he goes i don't know and i go oh you just wanted to fight yeah you You don't even know. You don't even do. You don't know why. It's ingrained in your fucking DNA. It's crazy. We rented a car at Hertz from Logan because we were going to drive back to New York from Boston. Katie and I flew into Logan. We rent a car at Hertz. Hertz rental car. You know the people that check, they like scan your car and do all this stuff. Guys like going through it, looking at my license. Niners hat on again. He hands me this stuff and he goes, go Boston sports. Just generic. Yeah. Just all the sports. You fucking psycho. That's like happy holidays for re-tarts. you go happy holiday yeah yeah go boston well that's what they don't feel it's go birds yeah yeah i mean go birds is you guys are close hey everybody it's your favorite hypochondriac well i'm not really not a hypochondriac anymore because um you know i go see a doctor and then and then you realize like oh maybe maybe this is in my head once you see a an actual medical professional and they're like no you feel like oh yeah i might have let that get away from me in my head anyways if you have an actual medical problem and you need to see a doctor zoc doc i've been on it since 2012 baby i'm talking about had the app on my phone and it's helps me find a doctor in whatever area you're in in network whatever specialty you need you just can go right to zoc doc and find a doctor almost immediately a free app and it's the website that helps you find and book high quality in-network doctors so you can find someone that you love and that you can use regularly and it's it's all through just an app for free a free app so stop putting off those doctor's appointments go to zocdoc.com slash soda to find and instantly book a doctor you love today that's z-o-c-d-o-c.com slash soda zocdoc.com slash soda thanks zocdoc for sponsoring this message mint mobile talking cell phone carrier mint mobile's end of the year sale is still going on but only until the end of january cut out big wireless bloated plans and unnecessarily monthly charges with 50 off three six and 12 months of unlimited all plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5g network this january quit overspending on wireless with 50 off unlimited premium wireless plans start at just 15 a month at mintmobile.com slash soda that's mintmobile.com slash soda limited time offer upfront payment of 45 for three months 90 for six months or 180 for 12 month plan required 15 a month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plans term only 50 gigabyte may slow when network is busy capable device required. If availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. Dude, when I first moved to New York, it took me weeks to get over just seeing Yankee hats. Oh my God. The fucking pain I'd have in my heart. Just anger. I want to say something. And then I got to fucking Texas. Cowboy hats? Oh my God. I'm going from hell to heller. You're going from, you are going worse to worse, to like even worse. And even at Dallas, Austin is, it's not real they wear it because it's ironic they don't care yeah they go this commonly has a guy got killed in a drunk driving accident and i bought this out of buffalo exchange purple bangs flowing through the top top of the straight back they actually had to like the jaws of life it off its crushed skull but i bought it for 38 it's corduroy yeah yeah you don't austin does austin outside of ut have sports no like outside of texas no there's no there's like the university In fact, there's one sports bar that we frequent that's a hardcore Eagles bar. Yeah. All Philly sports, but Eagles games. Standing room only. They play the fight song. It's fucking nuts. They got a DJ. Great. Like noon. There's a pill head fucking spinning records. You think he went to bed at all or he just fucking shot through? He don't even watch football, dude. He goes, I don't know. Their accents change. I'm on so much drugs. He's just focused on beating sexual assault cases. I got handsy back there Now I'm up here fucking worried about it Spacing time spinning records When you move to a rival city Yeah Luckily it's not They don't Like If it was actual Dallas Yeah you'd have Proper You'd have problems It's a problem You'd have problems Yeah because they're true hillbillies And I'm As a Niner fan I don't bump into too much shit Maybe in the early 90s It would have been a problem Yeah Right right Time has passed Yeah time has passed But NFC East rivalry It never never ever ends And you guys have I would say the best rivalry in a division 100 100 Because you got Eagles-Giants, Eagles-Cowboys, Eagles-Washington, Eagles... I feel like it's the Yankees-Red Sox of football with the Cowboys-Eagles. Shit. What mark are we at? 15? Did you skip all this? Yeah, I don't agree with that. Shut up, Dan. I don't agree. We're having fun. I think Bears-Packers is Sox-Yankees because they're close. Yeah. They're closer and there's more. There's more history. Dude, Bears fans hate the Packers. There's kids that grow up just being in Wisconsin. Well, you're from fucking Green Bay. That's what I'm saying. You've got nothing else. You've got nothing. I always used to argue best sports rivalries and then Joe List blew me out of the water with North Carolina Duke. Yeah, that's... Because they're down the road from each other. A billion percent. Yeah. A billion percent. They've hated each other forever. It's like, one of the games I want to go to is a UNC Duke at camera. Yeah. You jump around with all those fucking Harry Potters. I wouldn't. My knees are busted. Yeah. I'd watch them. I'd go, oh. Well, you're tall enough to stand over these little five, six pharmacy. Can you guys stop? I'm trying to watch it. I'm trying to watch it. Yeah. Do you like the food in Austin, at least? Because you're... It's not a food city. People say it's a food... It's not a food city. It isn't? No, it's fucking obviously barbecue heavy, but the money you have to spend to get a good quality meal outside of the cuisine of American barbecue is fucking, it's crazy. Do they like thank you for coming in there? They're like, thank you. Everyone just wants ribs. Dude, we had sushi at Scratch. Okay. Scratch, which is amakase, which is, you know. Damn. I don't know, but at first it was real American, and then it went real Japanese. Well, it's a Japanese farm system. It's a baseball team. We got guys coming up in the double A's. The biggest rivalry in Japanese sports. So when you go get sushi, sushi in Texas to me doesn't even. Dude, I know. This is why I said it. It is fucking remarkable. This guy is Phillip Lee. He owns a bunch of restaurants. He's a Michelin guy for a while. It was the most exceptional experience I've ever had in my life. 18 courses. Everyone's different. every different piece of fish. They only had a couple of meats, but it was like mind-blowingly beautiful. Like at the end where you were just like. Dude, no. So no one's talking because everyone's like, you know. Enjoying it. Wealthy and enjoying it and just not, they have no personality. Yeah. So after every bite, I'm going, I'm like a black lady. I was like, oh my God. And then some guy in a 10-gallon hat that owns 40 oil derricks is like, that boy over there likes, I'm just trying to have a tuna fish sandwich in peace. Yeah, I'm wearing a Michael Vick jersey. Yeah, he's like, can you put it on bread? I wouldn't mind some fish on bread. Yeah, that's... It just gets old. There's like, there's not much to... There's no American comfort foods. This is what I miss about Philly and New York. I mean, you can go get a fucking... New York, you can get a chop chi, or Philly, you can go get a good deli sandwich. Or a hoagie. Oh, hoagie. It's crazy, the void. You know you watch those restaurant shows where they're like fucking Gordon Ramsay will put on like a bar rescue or a restaurant rescue type shit. They put a map out and they go Japanese, Chinese, fucking American Steakhouse. And they look for all these locations. There is not, I don't, there's a void. Really? For American comfort food. Like no sandwich deli or something? You're hungover. There's no like fucking, dude, there's a couple places I've tried that have like the best ratings for like a comfort fucking Italian. can i tell you some big city bias when you grow up in a big city one of the major cities in in the united states yeah you get used to stuff like that 100 because i grew up and you get it from like delis and like yeah small places around the corner you can i didn't even under i didn't even understand that concept yeah when i was in college arizona my friend my roommate was from long island his friend was interning at snl uh and then came to visit tucson and him and i were just him and billy and i were just talking and i was like and he's like where's a deli around here and i was like what do you mean like you need cold cuts i could take you to the fries there's a grocery store there's a deli in the fries he's like i mean like a sandwich oh subway's across the street and it's like watching this guy just fall down stairs of disappointment yeah i've been going just logs on the delta immediately he's like i get the fuck out of here he was like you guys don't have anything i was like well like what do you want and he's like a so like a sandwich and i was like chiba huts open and he was like i'm gonna myself like by the third or fourth by the time i got the blimpies he was looking for rope yeah he was like get me the fuck out of here because you don't i don't think people that grow up in large cities don't understand that yeah you're you don't have that outside it's a strip mall everywhere else everywhere else like if i were to go to denver and go like let me get a good bacon egg and chi there go firehouse subs yeah he's doing breakfast Here's the thing, though. Like, Primo's Hoagies, send it, dude. Yeah. Like, we're talking high-end comfort foods that, like, do it right. Thin-sliced meat that are crunched. Why do you know this, Dan? You know the secret of making a good deli sandwich? Fucking tell me, baby. Crunching the meats. Crunching the meats? Yeah, so you get it extra thin. Everything's sliced extra thin. Okay. Right? Write this down. You can see through them, right? Yeah. General salami. Hold it up. Capicola. Yeah. Yeah, Capricola gets no love in the sandwich. I want to gauge your fucking, your face hair through a piece of meat. You want to see it enough. Enough to know my buddy's got a beard on right now. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I want to do confession through it. And you lay it out. I know you're there, but I don't know you're there. It's like the mad shit. For forgive me, Father, I've sinned. I got my meat cut too thick. No, you lay it out. Imagine a piece of salami, right? Circular. it's sitting on the table what you do is you pinch a three pound pinch and twist and that goes on in layers you lose a ring you land like an eagle like an Italian eagle you land and fucking crunch it you're plucking it out of the ocean you take it back off and drop it and you're a fucking sandwich nest who's up you got two pieces my girlfriend did a son of baby burger fucking feeding it a hot pepper so you crunch so you crunch it you twist crunch and twist and you aerate okay and the purpose of that is for it's almost the difference between a filet mignon and a fucking the ass of a cow yeah a little rump roast yeah rump roast sure London broil if you will what's so funny that's the only part of Colorado that comes out of me where there's talking cuts of meat and I go what are you looking for like rump roast everything else they're like just skiing i go absolutely not anything else they go what about cutting cattle i go brother what do you want to talk about hindquarters what are we talking about mid because you ain't getting up and if you want tongue brother i can cook you some tongue fucking rules beef tongue tacos send it yeah mexicans are down anyway you keep layering these aeration sure levels right you got the mortadella you got the capicola you got the salami everything's layered except for the cheese provolone keep it always pro and also extra cut you got to keep it thick yeah cheese to meat ratio is just as important as bread to meat ratio in the whole thing right so you look at just a regular cheeseburger okay i need a certain amount of cheese for the burger if you're doing one of those steak cut small fancy burgers the the roll can't be more than two thirds sure the size of the fucking meat what about a what about a smash burger what you looking for yeah fucking hate those in and out right to the toilet is he are you a smash i know sometimes i just toss it right in the toilet to save 30 minutes of digestion whenever i've made burgers and always that's really funny you go boom right right yeah whenever i have a smash burger it feels like i'm having the last hamburger someone cooked at a bar of course you are because they're just like it's all oil in that gristle yeah yeah get the fuck out of here what's the point i don't like it microwave bacon you know what i'm saying that's exactly put a little fucking paper this is a secret dude just paper towel microwaved bacon well it's the greatest bacon of all time really it soaks up all the extra grease like a perfect crunch i love a crunch on a bacon yeah my mother used to have this like uh this little circular edged like a rimmed plastic obviously we're you know damaging our souls yeah yeah and it would lay over the the ridges and it would be a grease catcher, like a foreman grill in a sense, and then she would just put paper towel over it and then let it sit. What are you talking about? Texture, crunch. Sometimes Chef Mike, microwave. Oh, yeah. It's all you need, baby. Old Mikey. Old Mikey. Old Mikey. And then you're fucking good to go. Let's go. I love a microwave. I'll do microwave cuisine. You should do a whole cooking book on microwave cuisine. I'd guarantee you'd be a New York Times bestseller. That's not a bad idea. I'm telling you, your fucking particular set of skills, like Asshole Philadelphia Cookbook. Because what are they going to do? It's just the thing. It's like, how many dishes can I make that you're actually going to cook? There's only 10% of people that are watching this are going to cook what I'm cooking. And the whole purpose of the show is to go, you could cook this. Yes. You can impress anyone. Yes. And when you watch Tommy cook, go watch Katie and I were on an episode of Look at Dish. He made these unbelievable sausage and peppers. It's very simple. It was so simple that you're like, sometimes you watch stuff get made and you go i feel extra retarded for not cooking yeah i feel like i genuinely i would probably put my top two regrets of growing up yeah not knowing cars and not knowing how to cook yeah i think those are the two things that i failed myself 100 percent my stepdad yeah nick shout out nick i'm looking for you motherfucker because i genuinely around yeah he's in his 80s i want to send him an email that just says you were the man where were you You were the man. No, he was the man. Him and my mom were married for like three years when I was a kid. The man. Yeah. They were together for like five, married for three. But he was the man. And he would just be in our garage building cars. Yeah. He really hated it. He really hated your mom, huh? Dude. Well, they didn't last that long. He probably learned how to build a car. He was like, I was. Because he was so fucking miserable. Yeah, he goes, I just got to go in there. Yeah, I got to figure out the mechanics. My mom goes, Nick. He just wheels under the truck. he goes honestly i didn't even rebuild it i just sat under there inside a bunch he's crying to the oil tank he goes dude he built though um for my mom like as an anniversary present he bought her the uh the body of a 1970 mgb and built it like in our garage built a car and my gay ass while he was building a car i was like i'm gonna watch wrestling in X-Men. And he was like, okay, should have been out there learning. There has to be a little forgiveness there because children are ignorant to real life skills and stuff like that. You have to be pressured by either an abusive or like a very educational father to get into stuff like that. That's so funny. Do you know what I mean? You really have to either be forced or have just the greatest dad. Yeah. There's no middle man. There's no in between. It's a dad that wants to beat the fuck out of you. And so you go, hey, instead of hitting me, teach me about a carburetor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Same thing with cooking. Even if your father cooks. My dad was. The last thing he wants to do is try and teach you. My dad and my mom. Because it's a break. Cooking is an exceptional break from life where it's like, it's beauty, dude. Like the orchestration of like prep. Can I tell you. Throwing on some fucking background piano music or jazz. And I don't mean to be fucking hacking corny about it. But just music that is mellow. No words. No words. Great. No words. Or if there's words, it's like soft, melodramatic gay shit. Yeah, yeah, I love it. But like prepping and the lighting's perfect. And just, again, the orchestration of time and temperature and fucking getting a meal right and then sitting down going, I fucking crushed that. I'll tell you, man. Three hours goes by and I'm happy for some reason. Warby Parker. You know I got laser eyes, but they're starting to wear off. so i might i i'm making peace with the fact that i might have to go back to getting glasses again and i'm okay with that because i think as i get older people will take me more seriously with glasses but when i did wear glasses before the lasik warby parker was my place i'd pop in trying a different pair see it you can even see an ophthalmologist right there and then boom get ophthalmologist is the right word right that's not the foot one these doctors sometimes you think you're talking eyes and you're talking feet but warby parker you can go see an eye doctor they can get you the right prescription and then you can find a good pair of glasses in fact i remember going there with a an old girlfriend and being like you pick out my glasses and then she did and then we broke up and then i thought about her every time i wore them and it sucked but the glasses were good so when it comes to quality for the price warby parker is the best you you know they got completely they don't got the outdated styles they got the good stuff you have everything you want for better looks for happier eyes it includes contacts online eye exams and sunglasses why we parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price our listeners get 15 off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com slash soda that's 15 off when you buy two pairs at w-a-r-b-y parker.com slash soda after your purchase they're going to ask what you heard about them please support our show and tell them that we sent you my dad loved to cook loved to cook the only time i saw him at his peak happiness outside of watching the niners was when he was in the, I swear to God, I remember this burning my brain in my grandma's apartment in San Francisco. Him cooking with a cocktail and then him just like working over the sauce and giving like a, of his rum and coke and then getting back into it. I watched my dad and he'd have the towel over his shoulder, just moving stuff and he could cook like a mother. My mom's a fantastic cook and she said when they were married, their favorite thing was just to cook all day. Just on a Sunday, just gonna cook all day. You make these three dishes, I'll make this dish, and at night we'll have a big dinner. A perfect sign of a happy relationship or marriage is if they can exist in the kitchen together. Yeah. And know what they're doing, be self-sufficient, independent, and confident. Is that big for you when you date? Do you like... No. Because you're the cook. Yeah, I'll take it over. Yeah. Yeah, I don't mind doing all of it. Have you ever dated someone? My girl now is a really good cook. She didn't cook at all until I met her, and she's fucking unbelievable. I love that. Dude, it's insane. Her talent's insane. However, we have to work on the communication thing where it's like, and I'm not talking about like behind. Corner. I'm not saying communication like, you know, chef talk type shit. I mean like independence and like be confident because she's always like. Am I doing it wrong? It's always like get the fuck off my shoulder, you know, like I'm always over. And I'm like, no, I'm just trying to give you advice of things that I fucked up for years. Like I'm trying to teach you. and that's like a i feel like it's an emotional um uh like roadblock for relationships where it's like if i said it it's different whereas like if you knew what you were doing and you told her how to cut an onion or something like that she'd be like oh thank you yeah dude and if i say she's like can you just give me a chance yeah we you know it's just like no you're not key i'm different any kind of any kind of instruction it's like if you go for golf lessons and you go oh now you're pulling your arm and she goes, what do you know? And then the golfer goes, you're pulling your arm. She goes, oh, I felt that. And then you're sitting there and you're like. Yeah, look at the difference. I told, I fucking told you the same thing. I said that instead I spent for lessons And I said the same fucking thing That where the argument starts It because we get mad and we go I just said that instead i spent fifteen hundred dollars for lessons that and i said the same fucking thing that where the argument starts yeah it because we get mad and we go i just said that and then she goes but she didn't say it like that and then it's just like what got you into cooking when did you start cooking uh was it your family like wasn't your dad and mom being like get in the kitchen no it was truly the opposite where my parents weren't around and in order for my brothers not to fuck me up like this is true i've said this many times I would cook for my brother so they didn't abuse me. Dude, that's... Yeah. So after school, my parents weren't home. My mother was a night nurse. Yeah. So she worked 12-hour shifts. My dad worked until he picked us up at 5 to go to football, baseball, basketball practice, whatever the fuck you were. So you had those hours. A few hours to avoid beatings. Yeah. And, you know, during seasons, like, you didn't want to go out and play because you got to get your homework done and then go to the football field or something, right? So I would just make them grilled cheese. So I mastered the grilled cheese at a very young age. The simplest of things to do. When was the moment? Do you remember the moment? Where I was at Unlocked? I got it. Where you go, I'm not getting hit. Dude. I'm not getting hit. Yeah. Dude, 100%. I don't mean there's, I couldn't tell you the exact day. Yeah. But I realized the way they behaved. And I would just cook them something. I'm like, you guys want a grilled cheese or something? Yeah. And they're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. I could use a grill. Just put their hand out. They open it up and they go. Yeah. No small fist to grab the plate. Oh, you look at that. Oh, my. Oh, what did you do? Did you butter both sides of the toast? Fotch and a brew bringing me something, huh? Oh, monkey face. And then did you, and then from that, did you become like. I got obsessed. I got obsessed with like learning how to try new dishes and like learn how to make a sauce. Have you done the very complicated ones, like a quiche? Yeah, that's not complicated. No, what's the one that sets off, like crumbles? No, I know what you're talking about. Souffles. No, I didn't do a souffle. We did a chocolate souffle with Chef Donnie at... Chef Donnie's the man. Yeah, he's the man. At Barstool. Yeah. We did like a collab where he showed us how to make it. I've yet to recreate it. Yeah, like a chocolate souffle is like one of my favorite desserts, with just vanilla ice cream. If you know how to do that. And he showed us how to do it, just ramekins, you know. It's just very easy to do. It's just all, again, timing. It's just have some fucking wherewithal when you're making something. Just stay focused. I do feel the same comfort around people who can- Football or cooking, babe. This is where we're at now. I feel the same comfort with people that cook that people that can fight. Yeah. That confidence of like, you know, like when. Timing. It's all timing. It is. But like self-defense guys will like tell you something where they go, now right here you're grabbing. Yeah. You're going to want to pull. That's how it feels when I watch you cook and you go, right here you got the peppers. You're going to lean into him. You're going to feel a little pressure. That's the same feeling of like, I grab his arm, now I'm in control. Now I can move him anywhere I want to. I actually have to give Chris a chokehold. Yeah, you're like, just stop. Get the fuck off the pan. Don't touch the heat. Have you had anybody in your life that tries to cook that sucks so bad that you're just like, hey, we're done. We can't do this. Yeah, I mean. Like friends where you're like, I'll show you how to cook something and then halfway in you go, what the fuck? No one's ever really tried to do that. Really? Yeah. I don't have any friends that like really cook. DeRosa can cook. DeRosa is very knowledgeable. I've never seen him cook. Okay. But he's very knowledgeable. Are you the only one? Are you the Highlander that can be the only one? Yeah, I am. I removed the sword. My chef's not from the rock. Someone introduced you. I was the only one to get pulled out. Someone else introduced you. He goes, my friend that can cook and Tommy goes, and just unshoot it. I don't think you can. What the fuck can you make? Yeah, because I'm useless and I would like to learn and my mom, bless her, tried. She's a fantastic cook. And when I was going to college, she was like, I'm going to put together like seven recipes that are very fucking easy that you can learn. And I got good at like three of them and then just alcoholism. This is, well, alcoholism, if you can control it, it's very good for the kitchen. It's great. You know what I mean? It goes. You focus, yeah. A couple bottles of wine, you get slacked in. Yeah, that's why the best is watching, if you ever work at a restaurant, watching the line cooks just get blackout drunk after a shift. And they're managing all those opioids. Oh, my God. Those guys are fucking animals. Ups, downs, lefts and rights. Yeah. They're all DJs in a bar. I really want to just interview chefs because I find them to be so interesting. You know what the problem is, Dan? And this is what I'm going to do with my show. Once we start going on the road a bunch, the chefs that are actually catered to in terms of media are high-end chefs, right? So this is like the disconnect with the culinary world and the comedy world, and that's why I wanted to do my show, is it's either the bougiest of shit where you don't feel connected to the chef. It's very interesting to watch. Yeah, but it's like watching Cirque du Soleil. A hundred percent. You're a gay Frenchman in fucking cloth lifting yourself up. I can't do a triple indie into a barrel. I have a tough time with 20 push-ups. Yeah, yeah. This guy's lifting himself off of a finger. Bingo. So I want to step down the chefs that are like... Applebee's. All right, you want pill head chefs that are very fun and then you want the middle ground. I had a show idea that I almost sold to the production company that did. Yeah. And it was called Night to the Night, where it was a travel show where we did comedy, met like Attell in fucking Seattle. And we went through his daily routines, saw a couple places, you know, the touristy type shit throughout the day. And then I met the next upcoming chef. And we go through his kitchen. We take him to the food market, pick out his ingredients. And then we cut back to Attell preparing his set. You know, going through his list. And then it would go to the prep station in the kitchen. And then you'd show some stand-up. And then you'd show the delivery of the food in the actual restaurant. And then we'd all meet like nights of the night in a big circle table, eat the dish, and tell road stories. I love that. It's great. Why'd they pass? Because they're idiots? No, they tried to buy it. And they said, well, you're probably not going to host this if we die. God damn it. And I said, I'll sit on that. I fucking know so many. I shouldn't have told that. you can do that if you want no i don't care we don't give a shit honestly sometimes when you say about show ideas that don't work on podcasts it reignites it yeah when i had that stone cold law show on peacock yeah and wwe was dragging their feet yeah i went on barstool it was very loud about it yeah next day i flew to charlotte to do shows the comedy zone i get off stage my agent the agent agent you know the big dog yeah the one you never talked to you never talk once a year you talk to him yeah yeah he calls me and he's like how's everything going then he called me and he goes why did i just get screamed at by nick conn from the wwe and i was like oh no thank god it was after the show yeah it was after the thursday night show and he was like did you talk about the stone cold law show on barstool and i was like oh i was real loud about it and then they put it out like barstools instagram put it out as a clip yeah and he's like okay they're getting mad and then we hung up and then my manager called me it was like great it's like that's exactly what you needed to do because now we're talking now they're in now engaged in the conversation yeah for sure because here's the problem with the reason that tv shows are all shit right now except a few they're obviously there's always good stuff being made but those networks and corporations have good ideas and then someone tries to prove that they have a job 100 and they fuck it 100 and they go always fingerprints it's always just somebody going somebody yeah yeah and then you go that ruins it it's the whole you take you out of that show i don't give a shit about that show 100 joel mckale 100 i don't give a fuck about all that 100 that's why you build your own thing that's why i felt bad for josh adam meyers because he did goddamn comedy jam and they pulled him as the host yeah that show works because josh hosts it yeah he knows how to host it yeah but they were like no comedy central's like now we'll just do it without you and then it just looked like karaoke yeah and you're like now with josh he explains and tells where it comes he does a song he fucks around they always do that they try to change the recipe of course they do and it fucking breaks talentless fucking hacks that's what it is they get into the business yeah that's the only good thing i'm liking about watching the collapse of the industry is watching those people try to pivot to new stuff now. Where they go, I'm a podcast booker now. And you go, I just told me no when you were at TNT. It's truly a priest going to a new parish. It really is. They just move them around. That's perfect. It'll be some fucking executive at Comedy Central. They're now with some other media. They're the VP of this other media company. I'm like, I know what you did when you were at Comedy Central. I know how many fucking shows you did. You know how many shows you did. I remember when Delco Proper should have gone to the fucking distance. You dyed your hair, but I know it's you. Dude, I got a good story. I got a good story. I love this. I want to keep talking. I want this story. We're coming back to this, though. So I took one cooking class in my life. Viking culinary. It was one of those date night cooking classes. Sure. You make a dish with chefs in the Viking. It was off the main line in Philly. And it was like salted fish. It's like a fish you bake in salt. Who gives a shit? Anyway. So we're cooking. We're prepping. We're doing the whole thing. There's probably four or five other couples. I got my eye on this fucking chef, right? The sous chef. Yeah. He's a light-skinned, bald, black guy. Okay. And I'm like, how do I know this fucking guy? I know this guy. How do I know him? The whole time, I can't focus. My girl's like, Tom, come on. We got to make the goat cheese with pink peppercorns. And I'm like, I fucking know this guy, and it's killing me. And the whole time I go, I fucking got it. I know it. This guy was a teacher at St. Charles Bar O'Meara, where I went to grade school. He came in when I was in eighth grade and blew the fucking roof off. He was like a cool black guy. And everyone's like, yo, this dude fucking rules. Yeah, I'm not racist. I like this teacher. That's the thing. Yeah, McNabb. Yeah, McNabb and this teacher. I'm not racist at all. So he was a priest. I came in out of nowhere. and then I fucking, I walked up to him after the class and I was like, I know who you are. Your father something or other. You taught me in eighth grade, St. Charles. And he goes, no, no, I don't know what that, I don't know what that is. And I go, yeah, I know that's you. I am. He's cleaning off a knife. He goes, please, please, please leave me alone. Please, please, please. There's enough blood on this now. Please, please, please. You're going to dig and you're not going to like what you're going to find. Oh. About a week goes by, right? So we leave, obviously. A week or two goes by, and this girl I went to grade school and high school with sent me a picture of the Philadelphia Inquirer, and it's this dude's face for pedophilia. Yeah. And the guy... It's not for fucking a car wash or fucking doing it. It wasn't for the salted cod. I know it was bad. It wasn't that bad. Yeah. Oh, my. that's crazy. Dude got fucking passed around enough where they were like alright now we can't do anything and he's a sous chef. Yeah and by the way in the restaurant industry he goes yeah we'll take you we need the bodies. Yeah 100%. The restaurant industry just go fine. Yeah we got a hundred cases of onions. I don't care how many kids you ate. Fuck I don't care if little kids get you hard fine. Yeah sharpen that pairing knife out. You're in for it. Yeah dude that really is true though. That's why it's always funny when I see comics that publicly are like fuck this network or fuck that network it's like no not fuck that network you have a problem with a specific person at that network of course that didn't green light something and they're always like i i'm sorry there is anger and hate that i hold but like we're talking talentless rich women yeah that are truly like they're they're held in regard as if they've done anything in their life yeah their parents paid the rent so they could be twenty thousand dollar income dude and eventually their VP of fucking comedy development. Who the fuck are you? Have you ever made a sketch? Have you ever done anything in your life? I remember going to a meeting. This is when MTV was turning into pure shit. It was like still shit. RIP MTV. But it wasn't. When MTV was doing, they just went full 16 and pregnant. All that shit. They were just like, we don't give a fuck about music anymore. We're not doing any of our cool programming. i they were like we have a meeting with mtv and i told my agents i was like there's nothing they don't want me i'm an alcoholic at the time i was like just drinking every day i was like they don't there's nothing and i don't think there's anything i want to do with them yeah they're like no there's this new girl new girl who works there who saw you at the cellar and she thinks you're so funny and she wants to meet with you and i go in her office and it's uh her she was really nice and then her assistant who's like fresh out of college yeah 23 whose whose dad probably runs black rock 100 who probably flips fucking yeah section eight housing for profit and that meeting to me was like oh this shit's so broken yeah because i sat down and they're like what do you want to do yeah and i went well you guys should start playing music again i was like this like reality shit sucks you guys should start doing music and i was like bring pop-up video back yeah i was like you guys own vh1 you own the ip let me host pop-up video yeah i would host i would host the fuck out of that that would be so sick and dude that was the funniest part of any meeting i've ever taken with a network because the older lady went i loved pop-up video yeah the woman i had like it turned out the meeting was with like an older woman she was around my age and she was like grew up watching pop-up video it was the best you learn this about us you learn extra stuff about the artists yeah and so we're like vibing on it and i was like straight up you own the ip yeah reboot that shit i'll host it we'll make it a little darker make it funnier yeah we'll bring in writers we'll have like a good time and she's like i could see it in her face this is like and then her assistant who's straight out of college goes i don't know if we could call it pop-up video and i was like i just did the hand yeah we'll call it pop-up video and then she goes we should call it like super fun stuff you don't know about video she said something like that and i was like yeah this is fucked dude and then i just started watching it spin out and i was like to the lady i was like it was nice meeting you i don't think there's anything here for us all but then you watch just mtv go down the drains and you're like well of course i'm playing ridiculousness all day they don't make anything these executives at these creative places it's like uh when you have a conference call for like a real job yeah right and there's always some fucking debbie at the end who just wants to put a fingerprint going like i'm i'm listening i'm working yeah and she'll just drone on for five minutes about fucking nothing. They have to put their fingerprint on and say, I did that. So they don't. So during the process of Delco proper, it got morphed. If you look at our pilot at the funeral. It's unbelievable. It's perfect. It's unbelievable. It's our dark tone. It's the image and the comedy that we want to make. Fat Butterly with blonde hair. Hilarious. Dude, one of their notes of Butterly, like, we don't think he would call her a bitch. This fucking young bitch. You don't think that animal would call a woman a bitch? Have you seen? Did you watch the episode? Yeah. Who we're creating? You don't think he would call a woman a bitch? When you watch that pilot, it's just the Leo meme the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Everybody go, oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. There he is. Oh, my God. Rainy's a creep. And fucking Shane's the ump. Yeah. It's a little league game. Dude. And it's like crazy when you watch it. What crazy to me is you know I know where we made our faults At the same time this is like one of those things where you find out where you go that would have been so cool they were developing delco proper and uh michelle wolf and i shows yeah yeah these people use carlotte about working at the use carlotte with nick dapala yeah and fucking it was great tony amatook we had like an unbelievable cast yeah and that script was dark and funny and watching them come in and fucking ruin it They made us, dude, they took a 24 minute pilot and they were like, here's what we're going to do. Snapchat is huge. Yeah. So we're going to film three different episodes. So we had to take a pilot, take it into three different things. Yeah. And then what we filmed, they went, Snapchat's only five minutes. So cut your 11 minute things down to five minutes. They edited it, took all the good stuff out. It was, I won't even post it. You can't. Michelle and I were so fucking angry at that whole situation. that like I remember being this is when I was on the bonfire I remember being in one of the fucking conference rooms on the 37th floor of Sirius just an empty conference room screaming at someone being like what the fuck are you doing to this show because you guys got to make the pilot at least film it they buckled us at the script process they were like I don't know we do Nick DiPaolo as a fucking car owner as a used car owner letting him be angry and racist Shane and I would watch his podcast like late night. Yeah. Just watching him rant. I mean. I love that fucking guy. We set up. Nick Tapao losing his fucking money. And also maybe. The funniest thing ever. Maybe this country wouldn't be so divided if you would have a show that had Michelle Wolf and Nick Tapao on it. A hundred percent. Because one of the. It's real. One of the greatest scenes we had was we went, Nick, go off on Michelle. And he's like, you fucking stupid red hair. And he like went off on her and then she fired back and I was like, this is awesome. This is awesome. We had a good director. We had every. But it was. It was fingerprints. It was people getting in and fucking with it. And by the end, it sucks when you make something and you're with it the whole time. And by the end, you go, look what they've done to my boy. Dude, me and McKeever worked for 10 years doing sketches and stuff like that. But if you look at that first pilot of, even before the web series, the funeral episode, that's the one where I'm like, that's the lens of what we wanted to capture. And then it goes to the web series, fingerprint. then it goes to the pilot for television double fingerprint and then it's like well this is not who we are it's the beauty of what they're doing with tires with Netflix is like the full creative control it's all about numbers no one gives a fuck anymore you can eliminate all these nonsensical fucking morons and what you do is you have Shane and McKeever going in there going leave me the fuck alone and Netflix goes for sure which by the way is That's on the back of Shane going, I'm the fucking best in the world right now. Because I'm the heavyweight champ. You can suck my dick. I'll let you know when I'll call you back. You know what's funny is? Because when you remember, Shane was a young pup when Delco Proper's going on. Yeah. And it's almost like he grew up to be like, I watched what you guys did to my boys. You're not fucking doing that. 100%. Suck my dick. Yeah. Make the show I want to make. And that's what you need. Yeah. That's what you need is you need a big dog that someone's going to come in and big dog. Yeah. And go, fuck you, I'm not making that. Well, Makita's doing the same thing, like, creative-wise, where he's like, he's not, I know for a fact, he's not making the same mistakes and letting people step on some product. He's like, this is how I'm doing it. You could suck my bird, too. I came out hot after Stone Cold Law got killed. We had a show, we sold it with Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'm not talking about this was like, we were like, and maybe we can get him. He was on the Zoom calls. He was fucking, bloop, bloop, popping up going, hey, what's going on, boys? and you're like, hey, Steve, swear to God, just popping up being like, what's going on with you guys? I'm in Utah. I learned how to shoot a sniper rifle. And me and St. Germain are like, I'm like, I'm playing Ghost of Tsushima to Samurai game, feeling like a... But I was so hot after that cartoon got killed because here's what pissed me off. We wrote, St. Germain's such a fucking great writer. Dude, he's so funny, dude. We wrote... I was supposed to do a podcast with Bobby Kelly last night. Yeah. And I'm taking this antibiotic for the, I think. I passed out. I missed the fucking podcast. Bobby hasn't responded to me yet. He's a hero. Dan did. Dan said, are you okay? Is there anything I can help with? Bobby sent me to the moon. I'm going to find out if he's really upset. He is. But I'm going to tell you right now, he is. Yeah. Fuck, dude. Sight unseen. Bobby, I'm sorry. Sight unseen. Make this the only clip. Bobby, I'm sorry I missed you, Bobby. I'm going to tell you right now. I was a sick boy. hold on real quick Tommy sight unseen he's very mad but he just saved a life so he's okay he's a hero he's running off the fumes of being a hero so you you made your mistake at the right time is what I want to say it's all about timing but what's funny is when I came off that Stone Cold we wrote the script we gave it to him and then Peacock's coming back to us going we're passing it around the office everyone thinks this is hilarious if we can get Steven Seagal to be the bad guy in this this would be fucking great Stone Cold versus Steven Seagal and then they pass on it and you go then what was all the dick tickling you were doing so then when I came in with the cartoon we're doing now at Fox I came in on like every meeting and I was like here's the deal fuck you I got a YouTube subscription I'm on the road I'll take cause of Shane Shane did this with Gillian Keeves when he did his first theater tour he took the marketing money and turned around and made season 2 of Gillian Keeves so when I saw that I was like that's a brilliant idea when I signed up to do a theater tour I turned around and I told all these networks I was like, I'll make it myself. There's young animators, and I can get people to do the voiceover. Now you can do everything on your own, man. That's what I mean. They said this shit 10 years ago, but now it's true. It's so true that you don't need anybody. No, dude. But what I like about Fox is, and shout out Cheryl at Fox, she was like, fuck yeah. She goes, I like this attitude. She's like, let's make it. There's certain networks that are starting to function the way a YouTube designer would. they have they're like they're going fuck everything because they've seen it too yeah and if you get into i do voiceover for uh universal basic guys on fox and it's like those guys are like they don't abide by the rules either it's just shout out those guys because of their show they were like our premise of our show they're like that might pair well together yeah you're like please yeah it's season three right fucking please i know we're because they're they're the same production and everything that our show is nice so we're watching them and we're going like guys can you give us a green light please yeah we can make a fucking great show let's go and we got we got roles for everybody baby yeah just fucking let us in the door yeah um but i'll do something for you fuck yeah you will i'll do something for you are you kidding me i can do lots of stuff dude i'm telling you i need lots of voice you're gonna be absolutely one of the eights like bullies just don't make me a fucking wop i'm tired of being a dine you're not gonna be you're not gonna be a little kid i know no you get to be a little kid i'm not gonna make you a little ginzo yeah i'm gonna make you a little bugger i'm gonna just regular can't just be regular But shout out another thing that's great about you. Talking like this. Can I just be regular? Can I be a regular guy? Why is everybody telling me I'm a fucking Italian? Why can't I just be a regular guy? Why is everybody going to put me over noodles? I don't want to go over noodles no more. I'm naked with a robot. Why do people keep cornering me in their head? Holding a newspaper like the end of a fucking good fella? 13. Yeah, you're like, you fucking, you make your grown man. What's your fucking problem? I can't just do it myself. Before we leave, I need to know what happened with the bleach. Oh, yeah. Right now? Just what happened? Tell me the story. Dude, it was Final Destination type shit, I told you. I bought, my girl has a thing with her eyes. Your girlfriend's unbelievable, by the way. She's the best. She's the best. She was at the Look at Dish? Yeah, yeah. That Look at Dish, we were just like, oh, we don't even want to leave. I know, dude, it's so funny. You guys were going to film another one, and we were like, can we just fucking all hang out? Just hang out, yeah. It was the best. So she has fucked up shit with her eyes? No, she's like deathly afraid of anything eye-related. I get that. She gets nuts. She gets the contacts. Dan, I have to fucking roll the windows up to use the windshield wiper fluid. What? Yeah. Yeah. She'll go nuts if the windows are down. She barks at the windshield wipers as they're gone. She's afraid a piece of... Start scratching. Like a little dog. She's afraid a piece of the water that has a chemical in it will fly into her eye and she'll go fucking blind. She's nuts about shit like that. So she goes, you clean the shower. She says it all the time. Don't get bleach in your eye. I'm like, shut the fuck up. How would I get bleach in my eye? She says crazy shit. I think she put it in the universe. She wished this on me at some point. Anyway, I order three Tylex with bleach. It's the only thing that gets mold off. It really is. Tylex with bleach, they know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. Since 409, I think 409's defunct. Dude, it's Ron Papil said it and forget it. You don't even have to scrub, dude. Just squirt and let it sit. And you're good. Everything's impeccable in our bathroom. Can I tell you, the last time I cleaned my bathroom, I did that and forgot I did it and jumped in the shower. I'm like, oh, shit. And as I turned it on, I was like, oh, my God. I'm just naked surrounded by bleach. Welcome to cocaine, brother. Yeah, I was like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Anyway, I pull out one of the bottles, brand new out of the box. Sure. I spin the top from off to on. You know? I start spraying like this by the shower head. Wall one. I'm on wall one. I'm not even in the width part yet. And the bottom drops out of the handle, the mechanism, hits a towel rack, and does a 360 at my face. And when I say it was like a violent splash direct to the fucking eyeball. So you had it come down like that? Dude, it, like, directly in my fucking eyeball, I immediately didn't see it. Could you feel it immediately? Oh, dude. And I go to the sink, start splashing. I'm washing it out. I even got in the shower for 15 minutes. My girl calls my sister-in-law, who's a doctor, and I'm like, I'm screaming. I'm going, I'm not going to the fucking ER. I'm not going to, we had plans. Yeah. We had plans that night. That's so funny. And I'm not going to the fucking ER. I can't break plans. Dude. I can't. Your eyes all the way. I'm just wearing an eye patch. Can Tommy see the future now? We got sushi tonight. I'm not going to the fucking ER. We're going to do a little roll. We're going to sit around and watch rich people eat fucking sushi. And finally, she texted her friend who's also a doctor. And three doctors said, go to the ER. Yeah, bleach your eye. And then I sat in the fucking ER for five, six hours. Fuck. Canceled my sets. I had mothership sets. How long did it wait for them to see you? It was pretty quick. Okay. I guess they just look around going, who needs the most immediate attention. They always do that. They asked me how long ago it was. I only told them like 25, 30 minutes because it was right around the corner of this hospital. So they let me sit there for like a half hour, maybe, before I got this thing called the Morgan's lens. Which I saw that they opened your eye. Yeah, I'll send you the photos. Yeah, he'll edit it in. You can post it up. Yeah. But essentially, it's a giant plastic, imagine a contact, but larger, where it sits underneath each. Ah, fuck that, dude. I can't fuck with eye shit. I'm like your girlfriend. I can't fuck with that. And then they put this IV thing, the drip, and they just, for an hour, hour and 15 minutes, I sat there while this bag depleted. And you don't, I'll tell you what, when you close your eyes, you don't realize what straight is, right? So you got to stay straight on this lens or else it starts cutting into your cornea, right? So every time you go left and right, and dude, let me, I'm, you kidnap me, everybody's going to jail. the fucking secrets I would tell if they kept me in there for 15 more minutes, I'm ripping that fucking thing out. Yeah. I was like losing my mind. It started getting like real crazy. How did it feel? Did you get the relief of when they took it out? There's no relief at all. Cause that's like a catheter. There's irritable. Yeah. A hundred percent. It's like, I haven't. I imagine the worst because they, after I got my shoulder operated on, they were like, you, you, we got to give you a catheter. Yeah. Cause I had to piss and I couldn't cause the medications. And when they put it in, you go, oh I'll feel the relief but you don't feel the relief no and then when they pull it out it hurts even and then you're like just sitting there after for two days the irritation's nuts why am I wearing these fucking glasses you think I want to look like this Dan I thought you were going in your producer route I am in New York though huh yeah bet you're not getting bothered in Midtown I just sold three cartoons I bet you here go to 47th street I bet they ain't bugging you oh the Morgan funks yeah I ain't heard of that I got a deal for you on the diamonds oh hey look at this boy fuck No, it's all right. It's like the dolphin season. Yeah, so it was just, you know, three days of hell, and now I got this ointment. So you have to put it in. Did you experience any eye? No, I feel good. The problem is it's like, I forget the alkaline. With bleach, you can't tell if it's corroding your actual cornea or retina. So it's very, you know, it's dangerous. Fuck yeah. Because you're not feeling the immediate pain the way you think you would. Yeah. And it's slowly. That's the scariest shit. Slowly corroded. Because you go, I feel fine, and then you open it, and you're just one-eyed willy for fucking goonies. Yeah, you start losing your sight. I'm supposed to go to an optometrist before I put contacts, and we shoot tires on Monday. Okay. I'm like, I can't fucking, I gotta see a doctor so I can wear contacts, yeah. Yeah, because could you film tires without contacts? Yeah, I'm not, my sight's not bad. It's just like. Yeah, and you're not like reading cue cards or nothing. No, no. You're just being a fucking. Being a wop. Being a wop. You and Schultz being wops. i uh dude that's i mean way way way less dangerous but getting stuff in your eye yeah is a feeling that you go it's immediately helplessness yeah it's immediately like your hands go up and you're like dude you take things for granted man dude when i um when i worked at uh dos caminos we had a salsa trio that you'd have to put out on everyone's place it's pretty sick but there was a habanero salsa that was like filled with habanero peppers you get in your eye yo dude so you take ladles and there's a trio that you have to like bring the table with the chips so you ladle it out or whatever one time i dunked the ladle in and it just goes bloop right into my eye and i was like just like on the line dude like it's in my eye i uh it's pepper spray well yeah the sous chef and i i don't know if this was just like it worked because i thought it was going to work gave me a glass of milk and then it was small enough where i put it over my eye and just had to open my eye and milk yeah and like do that and he's like do it it's a base it'll fucking neutralize it or whatever and i was like i don't know if that worked or what like people might know what that isn't like that it's supposed to but it helped yeah it was like but it's so funny me back on the floor with just a one red eye yeah like do you want to try her what the fuck is wrong with this guy but i still remember seeing the the lady go in and go yeah right and i was like yeah how do those porn stars take come to the face yeah it's fun because they go yeah they're hungry they're hungry they skip lunch you're not yourself when you're hungry yeah they gotta bring in porn stars to show you how to deal with bleach they go this right here's julianne she's gonna show you she's like take it right to the eye uh i love you i think you're one of my favorite human beings on the planet every time i see you i get ramped up say um stuff island look at dish yeah watch his stand up he's fucking hilarious sir um tires season three yeah you got the wops in that everything tommy pope ingest it and love it love you buddy sorry go niners oh don't end like that i know but i gotta say it I'm a fan. No, you're right. You're right. I got to say go Niners. In two, one, go Birds. Oh, God. I got you.