don’t text your ex, do this instead

In my experience, one of the greatest challenges in going through a breakup is not actually the breakup conversation itself, although that conversation sucks and is incredibly painful. At least during that conversation, you're still with your partner. I mean, you're breaking up, but technically, you're with them. I mean, if you're breaking up in person, I guess sometimes people break up over the phone, but even then, at least you're talking to them, you're still in contact with your partner, even when you're breaking up with them. I think one of the greatest challenges during a breakup is actually the weeks and the months that follow that are filled with these fits of unbearable heartbreak and yearning for your ex, where all you want to do is just text them and reconnect. All you want to do in the world is just say, I miss you, say, can we talk. All you want to do is just feel a little bit of connection between the two of you again, because in the weeks and the months that follow, the reality really starts to set in, because you're living the reality. You're experiencing your new reality, where you're not in daily contact with this person that you've been in daily contact with for months, years, decades, and it's so incredibly painful. There are these moments of, I don't even know what the word is for it. I can't even describe it. These moments of absolute chaos in your brain where you feel like your skin is itchy. You're itching. All you want to do is text your ex, and it's so unbearable, and it's so uncomfortable, and it's so overwhelming that it almost seems like this impossible feat to not do it. How am I going to not do it? It's all I want to do right now. Yet texting your ex is probably not a good idea. That's not to say that there's never a time to reach out to your ex. There is. Sometimes it is appropriate to reach out to your ex. If you've chosen to stay friends and perhaps you walk by something in a store, perhaps it's like a holiday display for a peppermint chocolate bar. That reminds you of your ex, and maybe you haven't talked to them in a few months. You don't really feel desperate to talk to them, but you think of them, and you guys are in good terms. You snap a picture of it and send it over and say, OMG, thought of you. You need to go buy this right now. Sure. That might be appropriate if it's not coming from a place of desperation and agony, and it's been enough time where you're feeling comfortable with the breakup. Perhaps it's been a few years, and maybe you want to reconnect and try things again. You're not coming from a place of desperation, but rather curiosity. Perhaps you heard through the grapevine that your ex is single, and maybe you want to try going on a date again. It's been enough years now that you're not feeling this urgency, this desperation. You're more just curious, and maybe you always had an inkling that you two would work out, and you want to just see. Yeah, there are times when reaching out to an ex is appropriate, but it's not when you want to reach out to an ex the most. When you're imploding, or maybe exploding, I don't know. When you're imploding or exploding with pain due to the breakup, when all you want is to just reconnect with your ex and you feel like if you don't do it, you don't know what's going to happen. Your brain is going to melt out of your ears. That is when you should not reach out to your ex because that's a sign that you're really not recovered yet. Talking to your ex will just reopen the wound. Breakups are literal wounds. I look at a breakup fully as a wound. When you think about a wound, let's think about a big cut on your leg. Let's say you dropped a knife. It's kind of gory, but let's say you dropped a knife and it sliced your leg open. How do you heal that wound? Well, you put some healing ointment on it. Well, you clean it first, of course, you clean it, and then you put some healing ointment on it, and then you put band-aids on it, and then you continue to do that every single day until eventually it goes away. There's a good chance you'll have a scar forever, but once it's a scar, it might be a little bit tender sometimes when you press on it, but it's fine. It's just skin again, maybe with just a few lumps going on. It's the exact same thing with a relationship. When you break up, it's almost like you get a slice on your leg, and then after you break up, you have to take care of that wound in order for it to properly heal. How do you take care of that wound? You need to take proper care of yourself and maintain boundaries in order to move on from that person. The only way that that wound heals up is if you move on from the relationship. Unfortunately, when you reach out to an ex, it's like taking all the bandages off and digging your fingers in the wound and scratching around. You're prolonging the healing process. Maybe you're not digging your nails into the wound and scratching around. Well, I would say digging your hand into the wound and scratching around would be reaching out to your ex, going over to their house, and having sex with them. That is digging your fucking hand into the wound, scratching around, pouring salt in it, putting rubbing dirt in it, and then putting band-aids back on it so that the dirt can't even get out, and then getting an infection. It's the worst possible thing you could do during a breakup. Is it inevitable? No, it's not. But does it happen sometimes? Yes. Is it okay if it happens? Yes, it just prolongs the healing process. But there's also nothing wrong with it. A lot of times, it's a part of our journey during a breakup is to reach out to the ex, reconnect a little bit, reopen the wound, just to ultimately come to the conclusion that it hasn't been long enough. We're both not ready to talk again. Neither of us have changed. If we were to get back into a relationship, it would be the exact same thing all over again, and it would be a catastrophe. We actually need to probably not speak for a little bit, and then you start cleaning out that wound again, and you begin the healing process all over again. But it's tough. It's tough because I know the feeling of just itching to text an ex, so much so that actually one time, I remember I was going through a breakup. This was many years ago, and I hadn't talked to my ex for a few months, and my ex actually reached out to me. How fun is that? I got a little hey, capital H-E-Y, hey, and I was looking at it, and all I wanted was to respond. But this particular boyfriend had really put me through the ringer, to be honest. It was a turbulent one. We did not end on the friendliest terms. I was a bit angry about a few things. So I felt that with this particular breakup, no contact was the best and healthiest option for me, completely no contact. Getting this text message that said, hey, it was a bit of a curveball for me because I was planning on not talking to this person ever again because I thought that that was the best option. Then they said, hey, and I was like, well, now what the fuck am I supposed to do? They reached out first, and now I have to not respond. But deep down, I knew I shouldn't respond, but I wanted to so badly. It was so excruciating, and I was so upset. I was screaming, crying. I just wanted to respond so bad that I threw my phone at the wall and shattered it because I couldn't handle it. I am not a particularly angry person, but I have thrown my phone and shattered it twice in my life. And that was one of the times. But anyway, in my opinion, this is one of the most challenging elements of a breakup. And in the moment, it can seem like there is nothing else in the world that would make you feel better than to text your ex. But the truth is, there are a lot of things that you can do that might not feel as good in the moment, but can help you ride through that feeling and get to the other side. Because that's the key, right? When you have this agonizing craving to talk to your ex, and again, as I mentioned earlier, that's when you shouldn't talk to your ex when you feel this agonizing feeling of like, oh, I need to talk to them. That's when you should not reach out. If you should reach out at all, it should be coming from a place of security and a sense of calmness. It shouldn't be coming from a place of desperation. It should be because perhaps you've chosen to stay friends and, you know, it feels organic and it feels natural. And it also isn't coming with any sort of expectation of, say, getting back together or like fully reconnecting, right? The key to riding through the agonizing feeling is time because it will pass. It always does. But in the moment, it feels like it's never going to pass. And sitting in that feeling, staring at your phone, crying, wanting to text your ex, definitely doesn't make the time pass faster. It makes the time pass slower. It's like watching paint dry. And in my experience, the most helpful thing that you can do is focus on something else, do something else, which is incredibly challenging because the feeling is so overwhelming that like, it's not like you can just sit down and crack open a book and start reading. It's not like you can just step outside and go on a walk with no headphones in or no one to talk to on the phone. Like these moments are so intense that they require a very specific type of distraction, at least in my experience. Or else it's just not going to work. Like it's easy for me to just sit here and say, you want to text your ex? Well, don't watch a movie. Watch a documentary. It's like, yeah, then you're just going to have the documentary on in the background while you stare at your phone and cry and want to text your ex. It requires a very specific type of activity. And it also, I think, requires a level of mindfulness to be like, okay, I'm spiraling about this. Either I'm about to spiral about this or I am actively spiraling about this. I need to pivot. I need to do something else. I need to take action and do something else and distract myself or actively address the negative feelings that I'm feeling. That can also be a helpful form of distraction, but also in some ways, maybe not like resolution, but you're actively addressing your negative feelings and maybe not fully resolving them, but like kind of straightening out your mind a little bit. But it can be very hard when in a spiral to gather your thoughts enough to figure out what to do. And that's why I'm making this episode. This is an episode that I think you need to bookmark for the next time that you want to text your ex. And I'm about to give you a plethora of things that you could do instead of texting your ex. I'm about to give you a plethora of things that you can do to help pivot your energy. And a lot of these things might seem a bit obvious to you. As I'm listing them out, you might be like, yeah, I could have came up with that. But in the moment, during the spiral, it is very hard to think clearly. It's such an intense feeling. And it's also hard to motivate. A lot of these things are things that I've done when I've wanted to text my ex. These are methods that I've tried myself and I know work because there's also things that I've tried that don't work. And even if some of them may seem obvious in the heat of the moment, for whatever reason, nothing's obvious. So you know what, save this episode. I mean, listen, if you're going through it right now, listen to it. You can save this episode for later or you can just listen now and keep these ideas in the back of your head for the next time that you're in a situation where you're going to need these things. Without further ado, let's begin. I think one of the most helpful things you can do in a moment like this is text, call, hang out with someone. Just get in contact with someone else because even though it's not going to be the same, right? Like calling your mom, calling your best friend, you know, meeting up with your grandma for a cup of tea. Like, listen, it's not the same, right? It's like if you're really craving, I don't know, a donut, and instead of eating the donut, you like try to make like a healthier version. Like, it's just not going to hit the spot really. It's never, it's not the same, but it kind of works in the beginning. But the real value of reaching out to somebody is you can talk through it. Like, it's very challenging to deal with these types of feelings alone because it's almost like your emotions are like a pot of boiling water. Okay. If you put the lid on the boiling water, it'll boil harder and faster. And also, I don't really think it evaporates because it's because the lid is on, so there's nowhere for it to go. So all the emotions just stay inside. Whereas, if you were to boil water on a stove with no lid, the water eventually will all evaporate. It's the same thing with your emotions. If it's all inside of you, the lid is on, it just boils and circulates and it doesn't have anywhere to go. If you open up to somebody, you talk to somebody, you take the lid off, the negative emotions eventually will sort of evaporate. Completely? No, probably not completely. You know, that's a journey. But a lot of, it's like, I think that's probably where the saying blow off steam comes from, maybe. Let me Google it. Okay, not at all. The saying blow off steam comes from the literal act of releasing excess pressure from a steam engine to prevent an explosion. Super off there, but whatever. See, this is why we have to Google things because I really thought I was like, whoa, I'm a fucking genius. Not at all. But I don't know if that metaphor makes sense for you, but it makes sense to me. There's something so helpful about taking your thoughts out of your brain and making them tangible, either through speaking them or what I'm about to talk about next, journaling, but we'll, we'll get to that in a sec. Sitting down with somebody, inventing, and maybe even listening to their advice. I mean, we should always take advice with the green assault, but listening to their advice and their unique perspective can be so helpful. But also too, just human connection itself can be so therapeutic in a really chaotic moment. Like even if you sit down with somebody and don't talk about the situation at hand, even if you just sit with somebody or you talk to somebody on the phone or you text an old friend, like even just mere human connection on a surface level can be really helpful and really distracting. There are so many different ways that reaching out to somebody can help, but it is undeniably one of the most helpful things that you can do. And so I obviously have to start with that. Another thing you could do is journal about it. Now, I'm not in an era in my life where I'm consistently journaling. I've had eras in my life where I've consistently journaled. I'm not in one right now, but I journal when I need it. That's kind of where I'm at in my life. And I will say journaling when going through a breakup can be incredibly helpful. And I have a few prompts that you could potentially use if you want to text your ex. Number one, make a list of reasons why you broke up. Make a list. And then in the future, when you want to text your ex, go back and read that list. I'm pretty sure I've made a list of the reasons why I've broken up with every single ex that I've ever broken up with, or not necessarily, I mean, I've been broken up with too, but you know what I'm saying. And without fail, every single time it's so helpful because we can look at the past with rose-colored glasses. A lot of times we look back at memories more fondly than we should. I talk about this with my dad all the time actually because we travel a lot together. And whenever we travel, things always go wrong. Like whether a flight gets delayed or one of us gets sick or injured, like I've been on trips and been really sick. My dad, I remember one time on a trip, like pinched a nerve in his back and was in a lot of pain. And these things happen, right? But it's funny because when we both look back on these trips, we remember them so fondly as though everything was gorgeous and perfect. But in reality, we had bumps in the road, right? Now, when it comes to remembering a vacation, it's really wonderful to remember it beautifully, right? But when it comes to a relationship, it can be kind of dangerous. Actually, dangerous is extreme, but it can be challenging that we tend to look back at our past so romantically because there's a reason why you broke up. And so in a moment of desperation, in a moment of pure heartbreak, I think that's when the nostalgia is the most lethal. And it can be so important to have a reality check. And so I think writing a list of all the reasons why you broke up is not only helpful in the moment, but it is also helpful in the future when you inevitably feel this feeling again and want to text your ex again, reread your journal entry, another journal entry that's possible, that's a little bit more positive and empowering. Make a list of the things you want to focus on in goals you want to accomplish now that you're single. Being single comes with a lot of opportunity. It's also heartbreaking and sad and lonely at times, but it's also an incredible opportunity. You now have one less responsibility and a lot more time on your hands. And that can be an incredible thing. Listen, I have a goal in my life to be in a long-term relationship one day that lasts, hopefully, for the rest of my life. I want to have a family, I want to have kids. And I think a healthy, wonderful, romantic relationship is totally worth the responsibility and the commitment and the time. I think it can be totally worth it, but not always. And so if you find yourself in a place where you're single because there isn't a relationship in front of you where it makes sense, then you're left with all of this time and honestly, freedom. And I don't think one is better than the other. I don't think being single is better than being in a relationship. I think it all depends. There are pros and cons to both. And one of the most exciting pros of being single is that you have all this free time and you can really focus on yourself and you can really work on yourself and you can really dedicate yourself to your goals in a way that you can do in a relationship, but it's maybe a bit more challenging. And that's so exciting and so empowering. And it just feels like if you imagine your life as this blank canvas, it's almost like you just wiped away a part of the painting of your life and now you get to repaint there. You get to paint something brand new. And that's really exciting. And I think in a really challenging moment, like wanting to text your ex, it can be really helpful to lean into that excitement and make a list of what you want to focus on in your life and what goals you want to accomplish. Another journal entry could be a list of traits that you're looking for in your next partner. Now, I would suggest that perhaps you don't want to be too specific, right? You don't want to be like, their favorite movie is Napoleon Dynamite and they have three siblings and they want to live in New York and they're a doctor. You don't want to be too specific because then when you make goals like that, it's very hard to accomplish them and you end up disappointed. I think it's best to keep things broad. For example, I want my next partner to be very gentle in the way that they speak. I want them to be nurturing. I want them to be funny. I want our senses of humor to mesh perfectly. I want them to be a clear, honest communicator, whatever. I think a lot of us are looking for a very similar thing, but I do think that we all have different priorities when it comes to a relationship. There's something very productive about writing down what you're looking for in your next partner because I think a lot of times we can feel very discouraged during a breakup. Like, oh my God, I really thought I was going to marry this person and now we're not together anymore and now I have to embark on this new journey of finding my next partner. I don't even know where to start. That can make you want to text your ex. I think this journal entry can make you feel like you're taking a step in the right direction. You're not in control of when you're going to meet that person, but at least you can be in control of manifesting what this next partner is going to be like. Another thing you can do, I actually don't think I've done this before, but I've heard many people discuss it, so I'm going to mention it. You can write a letter to your partner that you ultimately aren't going to send. You can write down everything you'd want to say to them and just not send it. It's written in your journal. It's for you. But again, I think going back to my metaphor earlier about the boiling pot, it's like getting thoughts and emotions out of your head into the real world, making them tangible through speaking them out or writing them can really be a cathartic experience. I haven't necessarily done that myself. Maybe I have, but it's been a while, but I've heard wonderful things about that, so I'm mentioning it. The last thing you could do is make your own list of things to do instead of texting your ex. Make a list of a bunch of different ideas of things that you could do in this exact moment once you're done writing this list. Also, for the future, for the next time that you feel this way, write a very personalized list of things that you can do next time you want to text your ex. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Garnier. Long day, long night, love putting on your makeup, but hate taking it off. There's really no better feeling than coming home, getting comfy, and removing your makeup with Garnier waterproof micellar water. It easily removes even stubborn waterproof mascara. None of that harsh rubbing needed, and you don't even need to rinse afterwards. It leaves skin cleansed, refreshed, and never dry. Head to Amazon to shop Garnier waterproof micellar water now. Now back to the episode. Okay, moving on from journaling. The next thing you could do is take some time to remove reminders, things that remind you of your ex from your life, from your space, to prevent unnecessary thoughts about your ex throughout the day. For example, let's say you have a cork board in your office. I have one of those. I put pictures up there, postcards, whatever, from various travels and things that happen in my life. Naturally, photos and memorabilia, if you will, from a relationship will end up on that board. After a breakup, I have to take those things down as soon as possible. I don't always do it immediately because sometimes I'm sad about it. Other times I'm kind of lazy, but I have to take those things down as soon as possible because if I don't, then every time I'm sitting at my desk and I look up, then I remember my ex. Maybe I wasn't thinking about my ex, and then all of a sudden, now I am. Then all of a sudden, next thing I know, I'm spiraling wanting to text them because it triggered a memory that made me feel nostalgic and then I spiral and then I want to text my ex. It can be incredibly helpful to go around your house and remove reminders of your ex. Now, you don't necessarily need to throw them away. I don't do that, but maybe just put them out of sight. It might not even be a photo of you and your ex. It might be like, oh, my ex bought me this vase or I bought this candle when I was on a vacation with my ex. It doesn't necessarily need to be an obvious reminder. Some things are just very personal random reminders. Even those things can sometimes trigger a memory that then causes a spiral. I think when in a really vulnerable period in a breakup, those types of things can make it harder and just simply putting them away until you're ready to bring them back out or even potentially donating them if that makes sense. I don't think that's necessary usually, but putting them out of sight can be incredibly helpful. But also, our phones are our reality now. It's like a part of where we live because we're on our phones so much. Also, perhaps muting your ex on Instagram, that could be really helpful. Deleting your text chain so that it's not like if you don't text a lot of different people, perhaps deleting them from your text chain, removing them from your favorites on your contacts, changing your wallpaper, making sure that your wallpaper is something of an image that's very personal to you and doesn't have anything to do with your ex. It can be very cleansing. It's sad, but it can be very cleansing to go through your life and remove reminders of your ex to not only symbolize your new life that's yours. Your life is always yours, but to symbolize this new independent era, but it also prevents future meltdowns. Another thing you could do if you have the time is go to a cute stationery shop if you have one. Actually, I live in LA where there's literally every type of store you could ever possibly imagine. Not every town has a cute stationery store, but even if you don't need to go to a cute stationery store, you could go anywhere. You can go to any store that sells a lot of different types of things. Buy a planner, a physical paper planner, and dedicate yourself to using this planner indefinitely. You might only use this planner for a month. You might use it for the duration of the year. Who knows? But there's something really empowering about scheduling your life out intentionally, getting in control of how you're using your time, and putting it all on paper into a planner. There's something about that that is really inspiring and weirdly motivating. I think when going through a breakup, it's so important to be structured with your time, to keep yourself busy, and to not have too much downtime. Listen, there's intentional downtime, and then there is unintentional downtime. Intentional downtime is like, I'm going to go get my nails done this afternoon, or I'm going to lay in bed tonight and watch my favorite TV show, and I'm super excited about it. Then there's unintentional downtime where it's like, okay, I have the day off today, and I don't really know what to do with it. I'm not really in the best place, so I'm just going to lay in bed and scroll on TikTok, and get into a dark place, and then get depressed, and then want to text my ex. I think during a breakup, it is particularly important to focus on intentional downtime and not unintentional downtime. I think one of the best ways to do that is to get really into scheduling your life and keeping busy. Obviously, we all have things that are built into our life that keep us busy. Work, taking care of people in our lives, chores. There's a lot of things like that. All of those things are very important when going through a breakup. It's a time to lean into those things and perhaps even try to romanticize those things and really just fully immerse yourself in what your life is. There's also gaps. What do you do after you're done with all of that stuff? I think during a breakup, it can be very helpful to plan your downtime. For example, I'm going through a breakup right now. I have started planning my downtime. What am I going to do when I'm done with my work? I've started scheduling out things that I don't necessarily have to do just to make sure that I keep busy. I think it's incredibly helpful. I think in a moment where you're wanting to text your ex, it can be inspiring to be like, you know what? I need to keep busy. I know I need to keep busy. Let me take the first step, get in the car, get on the bus, get on a bike, walk on foot, and go get a fucking planner. You know what? Make the whole thing romantic. Put your headphones in, listen to some music, listen to a podcast, go to the store, mosey around in the aisles, find a planner that meets your standards, bring it home. Oh, you know what? Maybe even buy some fun pens. Romanticize the whole thing. Then go home and get excited about filling out this planner and figuring out what you're going to do for the week. At the other end of that, there's no way you're not going to feel better. Then moving forward, when you're feeling like, I really want to text my ex. I feel like I'm going to start spiraling. Get out your planner and start planning out your next week, your next two weeks, whatever, and keep yourself busy. I think it's a really helpful thing to do. Another thing I like to do, whether I'm going through a breakup or not, is make mood boards. There's something very inspiring and empowering about making a mood board, a vision board, because again, it helps clarify what you want in your life. There's something very empowering about that. You could make a fashion mood board about how you want to evolve your fashion post-breakup. There's something, at least for me, as somebody who loves fashion so much, there's something about a breakup that makes me want to lean in to fashion. It inspires me to evolve my style. I think because naturally, when you're in a relationship, you're influenced by your partner in every way, but also in fashion at times. I think there's something exciting about revisiting fashion post-breakup as an individual. Even though, listen, you can absolutely explore your style while in a relationship, but I think there's something about being newly single. It's a new era. There's something exciting about, like, how do I want to present myself now as this person going back out into the world single? What do I want to be? That can be very inspiring. You can make a fashion mood board. You could also make an activity mood board of things that you can make, perhaps a mood board of recipes, perhaps a mood board of arts and crafts ideas, depending on your interests, making a mood board that can be a source of inspiration for activity in challenging times, I think, can be really helpful. You could also just make a general mood board of what you want your life to look like and feel like in the future, perhaps how you want your home to look like one day, perhaps how you want your wedding to look like one day. It might be too soon for that, though. That might be a little bit triggering, honestly, but I mean, could be helpful. Maybe you could add photos of where you want to live one day or vacations you want to go in one day, just a general vibe of what you want your life to look and feel like in the future, and so on. I think mood boards, whether you're making them on Pinterest or you're cutting out pictures out of magazines, mood boards are inspiring. It might sound a bit cringe or cliche to make a vision board or a mood board about where you want to go in your life. I don't know. I think mood boards, when it comes to making projects or if you're throwing a dinner party and you need to come up with recipes, I think a lot of times we look at those types of mood boards as being helpful and productive and there's a clear reason to be making the mood board. I think some people look at making a mood board or a vision board for your future as being kind of maybe cliche or cringe or too romantic, but I disagree. I think it can be incredibly empowering and helpful as I keep calling everything empowering and helpful. So I need to come up with some new words and I need to use the thesaurus, but there's no time for that because I actually have more ideas of things that you can do when you're spiraling and wanting to text your acts. So I can't look up the thesaurus right now, so I'm going to keep using those words. Another thing you can do that I've done before is create a piece of art that represents how you're feeling in the moment. If you're in agony, draw that, paint that, get some clay out, sculpt that. Again, to some, this might sound cringe, this might sound kind of cliche, but I have done it before. In fact, one of my first watercolors in my current watercolor booklet that I've been using for quite a while now is a watercolor that I did during my last breakup. It's this dramatic, terrible watercolor of me crying and there's a little speech bubble that's saying something that I don't need to say out loud. Should I just say it? It doesn't matter, I'll say it. I think it says, why are you testing me? Because, well, I don't need to say why. But it's so dramatic. It's so ridiculous. But actually, I don't even think I was going through a breakup yet when I made that piece of art. The breakup was impending because breakups are never instant. It's not all of a sudden, well, I guess sometimes, but in my experience, usually breakups start before the relationship even ends. Months before the relationship ends, things start to fizzle a little bit. I think I might have made that drawing when I knew the relationship was coming to an end and things were not going well, but neither of us were ready to fully pull the plug yet. I can't remember. But anyway, it was a really helpful experience. It's just another way of taking all of the feelings and thoughts and emotions swirling around in your head and removing them from your brain and making them tangible. There's something about that that is just relieving. It gives you a sense of relief. Does it make all the feelings go away? Once again, no, but it can just feel good to let it out. It can help calm you down and get you to a place where your emotions are less intense so that then you can take the next best step from there. Next. Now we're really going to start having fun here. Another thing you can do is watch a show or a movie or an interview with your celebrity crush in it. This is a little naughty. It's not naughty, but it's like, I've done this. Sometimes it can really just help you to just feel attracted to someone else. If you have a crush already, there's a good chance that you're not itching to text your ex that bad. Maybe, but then you can just text that new crush and flirt with them. That's another thing I guess you could do, but that feels toxic. You don't want to pursue someone new just because you're running away from painful feelings you have about your ex. That's never good. That's a real human being that you're dealing with who has real emotions. You want to be intentional about that and responsible about that. Whereas a parasocial crush with a celebrity, that's... I mean, you don't want that to get taken too far. You want to be careful with that too because that's most likely not going to happen, but that's why it's a safe bet. Putting on some sort of source of media on your screen of somebody who you find attractive can be really helpful because, I don't know, to sort of daydream about, oh, this person is so gorgeous and what it would be like to go on a date with them. That can be a really wonderful distraction. Listen, is it as maybe productive and idealic as buying a planner and really planning the future or getting out your journal and writing things down? No, it's not as ideal maybe, but sometimes that's what you need. Just to put a video of someone hot on a screen and watch it and daydream about what it would be like to go on a date with them. I'm the type of person that always needs to have a crush and that is not necessarily good or healthy, but I always have a crush. There's always someone, whether it's a celebrity or it's like a barista at a coffee shop that I go to a lot or it's someone I see at a workout class frequently, I always have a crush or when I'm in a relationship, I have a crush on whoever I'm dating at the time, whatever. I always have some sort of crush. I have since I was four years old because it's fun. It's fucking fun. But when going through a breakup, I think the safest option that's still fun is to lean into your celebrity crush. Fuck it. And if you don't have one, I don't know, start looking. Listen, that won't work for everyone, but I don't know. That can be a fun option. Next, sign up for a workout class or some sort of group activity. As I said earlier, there's something very therapeutic about just being around people. And sometimes we don't have the energy to talk to someone that we're super close to. Sometimes we kind of want to be alone, but we also don't want to be alone. That's when group activities can really come in handy. And I think group activities are wonderful anyway for building community, for making new friends, for potentially even finding a future partner like who knows. I think group activities are so important in general. But in a moment of a spiral, if you have the time, if you can go to a workout class, go to the gym, go to a pottery class, go to a cooking class, go do something with people around, I think there's something really comforting about that. Being around people in a way that's casual and potentially where friendship could bloom, right? But not necessarily. It's nice to be in an environment where you could get chatty with somebody, but you don't have to. And I think the reason why I'm emphasizing workout classes or the gym is because I will say that exercise and moving your body and releasing endorphins can also be a really helpful thing to do when wanting to text your ex. But the problem is, is that it takes a level of discipline to get up and move your body and exercise. So I think that's why I am suggesting some sort of social exercise, whether that's a workout class or going to the gym. Listen, it could also be helpful to turn on a 10 minute workout YouTube video and do it on your bedroom floor. Like sometimes that's the vibe, right? But that's harder to motivate, at least for me, personally, it's harder to motivate to do that. I think when it's coupled with being around people, it's even more beneficial and even more helpful, at least in my experience. And you're not just getting endorphins out of it. You're also getting a bit of maybe not even social interaction, but just this feeling of being around people. I don't know. But also who knows? Like while you're at the gym at a workout class, at a pottery class, at a cooking class, you might meet a new friend who maybe will one day become your significant other. Like who knows? There's something hopeful about being out in the world. Another thing you could do is drop everything and take an everything shower. Even though the shower can be kind of a complicated place, I find when I'm in a rough place, psychologically, getting in the shower is a little bit scary because the shower, I mean, listen, the saying shower thoughts or the phrase shower thoughts or the concept of shower thoughts is a mainstream one for a reason, right? There's something about being in the shower that just inspires thoughts, which can be really scary, especially when you're in a rough spot mentally. But I think getting into the shower with the intention of I am going to do everything. I'm going to wash my hair. I'm going to shave. I'm going to exfoliate. I'm going to do it all. And then when I get out, I'm going to clip my nails and I'm going to put products in my hair and I'm going to do a really long skincare routine. I think going into the shower with this intention of like, I'm going to do everything right now. Distracts you from your shower thoughts in a way. And then you get out of the shower and you feel amazing. You know, you feel clean. You feel cozy. You feel fresh. And that feeling also can help with feeling like shit and wanting to text your ex. Another thing you could do is break your routine in some way. A lot of us have a consistent routine, right? We wake up at a certain time. We make a certain meal for ourselves. Perhaps we go out and get a coffee. We work. We have the same sort of commute every day where we take the exact same sort of route there and back. We cook a very similar thing for ourselves every night. And then we have a certain bedtime routine and then we go to bed. And that sort of monotonous routine at times can be really wonderful. It can be really wonderful to sort of get into autopilot with it and get into flow with it. But when spiraling about a breakup, it can be incredibly helpful to get out of that routine a little bit. Perhaps go to a different grocery store that you don't normally go to in grocery shop. Perhaps take a different route to work that day. Perhaps try a different coffee shop. There's something really distracting and stimulating about breaking your routine that I think can weirdly reset your perspective in a way. Like when you get into a routine and you're doing the same thing every single day, it leaves you more time to think in spiral. Breaking your routine can be really grounding in a way because you have to be more focused. If you're, let's say, starting to spiral, wanting to text your ex and then perhaps simultaneously you're like, I need to go to the grocery store. Perhaps going to a different grocery store can help distract you and put you back into the present in a way that going to your routine grocery store maybe wouldn't. Perhaps going to your routine grocery store is so routine that when you're walking through the aisles, you don't even have to think. You don't even have to look. You know exactly where everything is. Going to a new grocery store forces you to look around. You have to look around. You have to be present because you don't know where everything is. It's the same thing with going to a new coffee shop. You don't know where to park. You've never been there before. You don't know these baristas. They don't know your order. There's something about breaking routine that forces you to be present, which can really help with perspective and can really help with grounding. Another thing you could do is book some self-care appointments. Now, a lot of times we can't just drop everything and go get our nails done, go get a massage, whatever, go get a spray tan. I don't know where you're into. Even the simple act of just booking these appointments can be a distraction. Also, give you something to look forward to. I get excited about going and getting my nails done. I get excited about going and getting a massage. I get excited about getting my hair done or whatever. I get excited about these things. The mere act of booking the appointments is a good distraction that releases happy chemicals in the brain, but then also now you have something to look forward to. Then when the appointment rolls around, that's another distraction. It makes you feel good. Taking care of yourself, boosts confidence, and just makes living in your body feel better. Everything about booking and then going to these types of appointments can be incredibly helpful. Another thing you could do is cook something fun. Do the whole thing. Lean into it. Lean into every single step of it because this goes hand in hand with breaking routine. I probably should have just lumped it into that, but I didn't. Cooking something new is a very grounding experience because it's very involved. First, you have to find the recipe. Then you have to transport yourself somehow to the grocery store. Then you have to shop around. You can do so in a way that's very romantic. Put your headphones in, do the whole thing, listen to music, whatever, vibe out. Then you have to go home and prepare everything. Cut your vegetables, drain your beans. Then you have to pay attention to the recipe and cook it. Then at the end, you have this beautiful meal that's hopefully going to taste really wonderful. Food is one of the greatest joys in life. Another thing you could do is go treasure hunting, as I like to call it. Treasure hunting to me is basically just going and buying things secondhand or looking at used items, whether that's thrift shopping, vintage shopping, online shopping on eBay, whatever. You get the idea. Treasure hunting. What I love about treasure hunting is that it's not like going to a store that's pre-curated where everything is on trend and cute. Treasure hunting is about shopping and finding diamonds in the rough, finding things that are very special. This is something that I personally really love doing. Not everybody loves this, so if you don't love this, well, don't do it. What I think is really fun about treasure hunting, if you will, is that you are really forced to think because not everything's going to be good. Listen, if you go to a beautifully curated vintage store where the curator has amazing taste, yeah, maybe that's less of an escape. You don't have to be as focused because everything is cute. But when you're buying secondhand, you have to use your brain a little bit more to sift through all the stuff. There's something about that that's really satisfying and exciting and distracting. I also think too, it's more responsible. You don't want to go to a store that's really perfectly curated and trendy and buy a bunch of stuff to release happy chemicals in the brain just to then later want to donate everything because it's not trendy anymore. That's not a responsible way to shop, but it's also not as mindful. You don't have to be as mindful because it's pre-curated. There's something about secondhand shopping that I think is more spiritually rewarding, but it's also a more responsible way to shop because you have to treasure hunt and you have to really actively use your mind and ask yourself, do I like this thing? Is this thing going to benefit my life? Is this thing my style? Whatever, because a lot of times buying secondhand things aren't curated. You have to think for yourself. That active thinking for yourself can be a really wonderful distraction and escape. I think at least in my experience, I feel like I shop more responsibly when I buy secondhand because I have to think a bit harder. It's a positive way to basically do retail therapy. It's also better for the world. You're giving something another life if you do purchase something, but also even if you don't purchase something, it's fun to walk around a thrift store, walk around a vintage store, whatever, scroll around on eBay. It's fun and you can get lost in it. Another thing you could do is plan an itinerary for your next day off. Let's say maybe you're stuck at work and you can't cook something fun. You can't go get your nails done. You can't take in everything shower. If you're in a situation where you're stuck, I think it can be incredibly helpful to take like 10 minutes to just plan your next day off. What do you want to do? Maybe you want to take in everything shower and then go to a flea market and then go to the farmer's market and then go get your nails done and then go for a hike. Plan it out, book a dinner reservation, get excited about that next day off. Another thing you could do is organize clean or declutter something that has been bothering you that you haven't made time to do. Now, this might be sort of hard to motivate to do because if you haven't motivated to do it in the past, why would you want to do it now? But I will say that it does feel good to address something like that. Like perhaps you've been wanting to organize your closet, maybe set a timer for 30 minutes and just dedicate yourself to organizing that closet. I can guarantee at the other side of that you're going to feel more calm, more relaxed, and you're going to feel good because you accomplished something that you've been wanting to accomplish. Perhaps your bathtub has really got some gunk on it and it's been really bothering you, but you just haven't gotten around to it. Get down and dirty, do it. At the other end of that, you'll feel better. Perhaps you've accumulated too many clothes and it's been stressing you out. Maybe go into your closet and find 10 things to donate. Just address something that you've been sort of avoiding that you know you'd feel better if you did. Not only is the act of it a distraction, but also at the other end of it, you're going to feel better than you did before without a doubt. Another thing you could do is fix something in your home or perhaps in your wardrobe. Go around your house and find things that need fixing or tending to. For example, let's say one of your favorite sweaters has a missing button, so a button back on. You could go around your house and fill up all of your soap dispensers. Maybe you have a table that has a crack in it. You could Google how to fix a crack in a table and then go and buy the stuff and then fix it. Again, it might be kind of hard to motivate because if you haven't motivated to do it yet, there's a reason for that, but I can guarantee at the other end of that, you will feel better. Even if it's something so small, such as like sewing a button back on your favorite sweater, the act of it will distract you and at the other end, you'll feel satisfied. Again, is it going to fully solve the problem? No, but it's going to get you back to a place where you can think a bit more rationally. Those are all the ideas I have. I realize now, I'm done. I know a lot of these were obvious, but in the spiral, they're not. That's why I decided to sit down today and share all of these with you all. If you're going through a breakup right now, I'm sorry. I know how it is. It sucks, but you know what? You're going to get through it one day at a time. You got this. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. I hope that you found this episode helpful. If you enjoyed it and you want to hang out some more new episodes every Thursday and Sunday, you can listen anywhere you stream podcasts. If you want to watch a video, that's on YouTube and Spotify. Anything goes on social media and anything goes. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is on the internet and in the world at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It is always a pleasure to get to hang out with you. Luckily, we get to do it again in a few days. I'll talk to you then. It is one in the morning as I'm recording this. I have to go to bed. I never do this. It's so weird. It's one in the morning. What am I doing? I just felt inspired, but now my brain is not working anymore. I'm going to go to bed, but I will talk to you all in a few days. Love you and bye.