Ep 270: Kathleen Madigan

hey we're back we got kathleen madigan here this has been the work show a while yeah i know we keep uh kind of missing each other like i'm pumped you're here yeah yeah yeah i like this um this is a fun vibe hey thank you i think you're one of the first people to bring booze oh my god she bought a gift whoa richard jefferson mba player but he got fucking hammered on lagavulin he bought some scotch. Who else came? Burt Kreischer brought shitty vodka. Stan Hope brought Trader Joe's wine. That was pretty cool. Oh, yeah. That was fun. That was a nice touch. Is this like a special Jack Daniels? Yes, yes. It's a special one from Nashville. Whoa. We've got to try some of this. Yeah, I'll have a swig. You brought two? We'll keep them in the studio. We'll drink them. I wish you were my mom. Look at that. You each get your own. Matt, can we get some glasses? Oh, no. Should we drink it neater on the rocks? What do you think? I like a little cubage. A cube? Yeah, I'm a cube person, too. But I don't know if it's a bad day. I don't want the ice cube. I just want to feel it. Yes. Are you a whiskey drinker? Occasionally, if things are... Well, I love J-Mo. Okay. But, like, a shot. I don't really want to drink it all night or anything like that. A shot. It's sponsored by McLaren, which seems a little... Elitist? Inappropriate. No, just like it's a car company. Let's get drunk and drive. Have you ever been into McLaren? No. I know a guy who had one. He drove me around to one. It's fucking amazing. Really? I wouldn't know it if I saw it. Oh, you should pull up a McLaren. They're wild. So you can be going 40 and you feel the breeze in your face. Wow. I just watched F1. That's a fun with Brad Pitt. Oh, yeah. But it's two hours and 40 minutes. Is it that long? Yes. It flew by. That movie should have been two hours. That's true. Okay. It was fun. Yes. It was fun. When I lived in L.A., they would park those in Beverly Hills on Rodeo Drive to get people to come over and then go in the store. It was like clickbait for rich people. Totally, totally, yeah. But, I mean, I went over and looked at it, and I don't even care about cars, but it was like, what's that? It was like 422,000. Oh, my gosh. 220? 422. 420. And it's not practical. You can fit nothing in there. Well, isn't it one of those things, too? You kind of got to know how to drive it. Yeah. Yeah. Are you just going to die? Also, they have this special technology, I think. Look this up. If it flips, look up the technology for McLaren flips. I think it's supposed to be insane. There you go. Because they're crazy safe. Well, that doesn't look good. Oh, my God. That's horrible. Maybe I'm an idiot. I'm like, no, they're safe. First picture that comes up, there's a baby's head cut in half. Jesus. Yeah, those people are definitely dead. Cheers, by the way. Hey, cheers. My 420 sweet water. Mazel tov. Oh, my God. That's, like, smooth as hell. Jeez, this is a problem. Yeah, this is a problem. Too easy. It's a problem in a bottle. I could drive a McLaren after this. That's good stuff. Can I video it from my YouTube? I just want to make the money. I think a DUI is a good thing for a comic to get and, like, go public with. Because you didn't, like, diddle a kid. problem for your publicity. You know what I'm saying? Maybe John Reap does have a DUI, though. Yeah. I don't even know about all that. What is the deal with... Why is it good? It's not good. I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying if you're going to get in trouble as a comedian, a DUI is kind of a funny crime. As long as you didn't hit anything. That's a good point. I didn't think about that. Well, I mean, I think he's saying in comparison to child molestation or like breaking and entering your ex's house. Yeah, or hitting a woman. It's crazy shit. Yeah, it is better than hitting a woman. Just go to my fantasy football league and look at my team. I'll tell you things that were not good that you shouldn't have done. Right. You were a rice. You don't leave the scene in the exit. Yeah, I mean, there's, yeah. That was crazy. And then even Metcalf. Really, you punched a fan? That was crazy. What's wrong with you? Why did he do that? I thought he flicked the hair. Yeah. I do not care. You shouldn't be over there talking to them, for God's sake. The football, stay over here. You don't need to get two games. Two games, and now they're hurting. They're losing. Well, they're done. Was he looking at a huge contract right before this? Metcalf? He was their star player. Yeah, how long is he suspended? It's a hair flick. Hold on. That's a punch. He tried, yeah. That's a punch. Then he said he said the N-word, which was a lie. Yeah, that guy didn't say it. Apparently the guy called his wife G.I. Jane right before. But he's getting old anyway. See, I don't know how old he is. But he's still a stud. But they're out of the playoffs anyway now. Damn. Right, it's all. Are you a Titans fan? No. I go to the Titans game a lot because all my friends are down there. There's a moonshine tent. There's a Jack Daniels tent. And that's right before you get in, in, in. So you're already having fun. But we go to see the other teams that come to town. So, like, I'm a Chiefs person because I'm from Missouri, like, by proxy. I'm a bandwagon. I'm really lame. And if they go to Kansas, I'm out. My fanship is up for sale, like the third time in my life. I was a Cardinal fan. I was a Rams fan. And boom, now the Chiefs are going to go to Kansas. I don't know that I can cross that state line. I was raised to hate Kansas. Really? Yes, but I don't even know why. It's got something to do with the Civil War. And I don't know. And then it turned into basketball. And I don't even watch college basketball, really. So I'm like, yeah, I don't know. But I know they're better than us, as a rule. Okay. So we're kind of jealous, I guess. Well, the lines are so murky because if you say you're from Pittsburgh, you don't have an NBA team, but you can't root for the Sixers. That's Philly. You can't. So what do you do? I guess you go to New York. Well, Kansas City, too, it divides in the middle of the city. Yes. Right. So you think you're in Missouri, but, ah, you just went to Kansas. Right. You got your mail. You just went. Yeah. It's like the vagina in the butthole. Sometimes you slip in. Right? And they're leaving us with a $150 million cleanup of Arrowhead. They're not paying for that. Oh, wow. You've got to demolish it and clean it up and take your trash out. Well, that's fucked up. Isn't that crazy when that happened? Like Buffalo just built that new stadium, and it's like, you guys have a really bad homeless problem. They're like, nah, we'll work on the stadium. All the money, just put it in the stadium. The Titans are getting a new one. Somebody had a great meme they put up. Can we leave the Titans in the old stadium and get a new team for the new stadium? I'm like, that would be so great if we had two teams. We'll make the other one NFC. Yeah. And put them in a better division. I mean, I go, but they're so bad. And everybody thinks, I think it's the owner. I didn't know who the problem was because when it's such a shit show, you don't know, is it the coach? Is it the players? It's really narrowed down to it's her. And I think that community is as small as stand-up. There's just not that many people involved in professional football. Once the word is out, Amy's cuckoo, fucking nobody good is going. You're going to get a young person who needs that opportunity or an old person on their way out. But somebody super talented is not going to bother with a crazy lady. They're just going to go, no. Well, there's only so many vacancies that maybe they will. But, yeah, you're right. Maybe at a certain point there's a breaking point. It's like, do you want to deal with Jerry Jones? Do you? Yeah. Grandpa's crazy. And Grandpa is in your face 24 hours. He's arriving in a helicopter practice. I can't. I can't. If you're the coach, I can't do that. He's got great hair. Doesn't he? Am I thinking of the right guy? Jerry Jones? No, his hair's terrible. I'm thinking of Jimmy Dean. I think you're thinking of the Raiders guy. You're thinking of Jimmy, the other Dallas guy. Old guy. Oh, Jones. Jimmy Jones. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, he has good hair. He has a lot of hair. Okay, my bad. So, no, nobody cares about the Titans. That guy. Look at that. Man. Jimmy Johnson. Jimmy Johnson. Yeah, the old coach. My bad. Full head of white hair. Yeah, he looks good. He's got a nice head. See, Jerry's hair. How about those teeth? Jesus Christ. Look at those veneers. How about the black face on that statue? It's not the first time he's been around black face. That's true. See that civil rights photo of him? No. It's a bad photo. Pull it up. It's a bad. It got a lot of heat. I mean, the Cowboys suck, man. It's crazy. That's like the, they were America's team. Oh, I do remember this. 30 years ago. Yeah, that one. Just not a good one to be in. Holy moly. There's a picture today on Twitter of there's two old, old, and it's real. There's two old ladies. They're like 85, and they were the cheerleaders the last time the Cowboys won the Super Bowl. And then they have the cheerleaders now. That's amazing. They look like their great, great granddaughters. They're like, here's the last time. That's how. I'm like, yeah. Was that a Holocaust survivor? No, that was a cheerleader in the 90s. Jesus. But if you're stuck with him, you're stuck with him. And the bad news is, I keep telling Ron because he's a Cowboys fan, I'm like, dude, his kid looks like him. The grandkids look. It never stops. There's more Jerry Joneses behind Jerry Jones, and they're square-headed white guys that all look the same. It won't stop in your lifetime. Definitely not Ron's lifetime. There they are. Ron White. Look at that picture. That is hilarious. It's so funny. It is true. They were really the original Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. That's adorable. Good for them. Yeah. Looking good. Wow, wait. So how many kids does he have? Shit. There's two boys. The girl's in charge of that show, that lady. I know he has two sons, maybe three. Okay, okay. Google that. The one's always at his side. He's always in the booth. Well, two of them are. That first week of football was insane. I mean, all those games were fucking crazy. Oh, yeah. They were all pretty close. Charlotte's in charge of the cheerleaders as all you would expect Jerry to do that. This is like Yellowstone. Right. And they are enamored with him. They don't ever say... I watched that cheerleading show because I was just mesmerized that people do this. And she... All in. Low money. So there's a son. There's a son. I don't know that guy on the end. Mmm. All right. It looks like a night at the Sizzler. How about this? Have you heard of this Netflix show, Heated Rivalry, the gay hockey show? Yeah, I watched it. It's horrible. I know. I was watching. I was like, I don't think I'm homophobic. And then like 10 minutes in, I was like, I think I'm homophobic. This is pretty rough. Well, the writing is so bad that it's making me hate gays. It's crazy. And the lighting is bad. Yeah. It's just boring. I was like, clearly you didn't get a gay set designer here. This is like tough to watch. Oh, yeah. My friend Bob, who is gay, was like, can I watch this with my mom and my nieces? I'm like, not unless the whole family's into gay porn. Yes. Because if they are, bingo. There's not even a story, though. I try to watch it. I'm like, okay, everybody's talking about it. They were the, like on Fallon, one of them went on Fallon in the line to get in that specific show was like around the block. They're mega stars. And I'm like, okay, well, I don't care if there's some porn in here, but there's no story. No story. No, they'll do head for like a minute and a half. And it's more likely that this would happen in the WNBA than hockey. Oh. But there's no WNBA version of this. That's a spinoff. Well, we don't know. That's the problem. They've got to hide it. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. But first and second overall pick, I don't think they're fucking. The likelihood is crazy. Somebody weighed on the totem pole. I just think it's, yeah, I think you get it's like a first overall pick maybe and like a 59th pick. Right. It's not the top two. The odds are insane. That would be too coincidental. Yeah. The odds are insane. Yeah. But yeah, they should do a WNBA kind of soft core. They should. I mean, I think it's hot when the black lesbians push Clark around. That's kind of sexy, huh? That's my fantasy. Angel Reese and Caitlin Clark, that's the story. If they're secretly hooking up, everyone's like, they hate each other. And they're like, no, they're scissoring. They're married. Yeah. lesbian marriage does not go well I didn't make it past the episode it was rough I mean whatever I don't care about all that but I'm also bored or just if you're into that just go rent gay porn why do you need a fake hockey story that doesn't exist I think I prefer gay porn it gets right to it you're teasing me with sports I didn't like the bait and switch of the sports good point I really did think there would be somewhat of a story. No. But then there's Euphoria. And I can't understand either one of them, and they're naked most of the time, so their mics aren't good. I can't hear what they're actually. One's supposed to be Russian, I think. Yes. And then the other one is, like, Canadian something. I didn't. I had the sound off. I don't know. That's one of the visuals. But, yeah, Euphoria is a great life hack to watch high school kids fuck. I heard it's a good show. I haven't seen it. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. But all the kids are hot. and they're, you know, in high school. Yeah. So you get to watch them hook up and not feel bad. Is this like a Netflix thing or something? It's an HBO show. It's huge. Oh, Sidney Sweeney. Dude, I saw this video of these two guys arguing on Instagram. One of them's like, hot take, Sidney Sweeney's not hot. And the other one's like, what? And I was like, no wonder we can't agree on immigration. Right. You know, one of you's like, she's ugly. Sorry. I know. Come on. She's objectively attractive. Yeah. And then to go ugly, it's like, well, let's see your wife. You know what I mean? I love when they just go right to ugly. That's your debate tactic? Yes. You just call his wife ugly? If you call her ugly, we've got to see what your wife, mom, and sister look like. Yeah, well, I can't say that lady's ugly. Of course. That's ridiculous. They always go extremes. It's like when they call Sam a Nazi. Who calls me? It's in the comments. It's in the comments. Fuck. It's in the comments. Now that's going to take off. Yeah. Who's in charge of cleaning up the comments? Jewish Nazi. That's a sitcom. Or the Jew and the Nazi is the odd couple. Ooh. That's going to be the lead. There's your porn. Needed rivalry. There's your super porn. Super porn. You left the oven on. Hot Jewish guy. Hot Jewish guy. Hot Nazi. Yeah, hot Nazi. One's got dark hair, one's got blonde. Hey. See? Damn, this is good. Me and maybe like Francis Ellis. Yes, yes, exactly. Just railing me from behind. He's hiling while fucking you. Oh, what the hell is this? What is that? Nazi porn. Oh, Nazi porn. Yeah, but is it Nazi Jewish porn? By the way, my son has a little bit of hair down here, and I always do Hitler comb, and then I give him a little ink right here, and we have a good time. You put a little of the poop in the diaper right here. Yeah, exactly. And then I take his little hand. The neighbors are terrified. His first steps were very big. Yeah, the goose. He's got an easy-bake oven. One too many. You don't want to adopt, huh? No, I do not. You never wanted kids? No. I helped raise my younger siblings. I get it. And I'm like, okay, this is fun. I like them. They're nice people, little people. The best case scenario, I've thought about it a lot, is they don't go to prison. Yep. They don't kill someone, or they don't do something completely fucked up. That's really the best case scenario. Slightly. Otherwise, you're just other people I know. Right. Like, you're a fun person. Good. My brother Patrick's fun. Yeah. Good. You turned out fun. Yeah. You didn't do anything bad. But, like, would I want to do that again? Yeah, good point. And then, I don't know, if you're thinking, like, I want to go travel the world, I don't see how am I in some house with a fence and I take you to school. Like, I see my sister has done it. The kids are in high school. They're freshmen. Eight years. every day to the same pickup spot. I can't. That's fair. It's almost like bad for the comic brain where you're like, this repetition. The repetition. I stayed for two weeks because she had twins. She's like, will you come back? And I go, yeah, sure. I'll do it. But a week in, I don't know. I had a look on my face. She's like, you're leaving, aren't you? I said, no, I promised I'd stay the two weeks. I go, I just, I really like them, the little twin girls, and they're fun in the high chair. Yeah. But it's the same thing every day. We wake up, there's playtime, and then feed them and then a nap until they get older. But that whole first... First couple years I hear is rough. That's tough. Yeah, I would much rather have a three-year-old. Yeah. I got an eight-eleven one. A baby. Yeah. He was a Nazi. I had to. Let's get rid of him. Every day with a Nazi. I just... No. Not for this lifetime. Maybe the next one. I'm not anti-kid. Sure. I'm not anti... I don't like the lifestyle. Yeah. If I would do it the way I wanted to do it, I want to be home. I want to take them to practice. I want, as much as I don't, I do. But a lot of people who do what you do actually still have a kid and they're just not good parents. Well, it's not the way I would parent. So whatever people want to do, that kid's going to turn out as a result of your work. Right, right. So, like, I would want to be home. I'd want to have the dog. I'd want to have the setup. They'd go, okay, here's your dad. Here's a dog. Here's a cat. I go to the meetings and whatever. Clan. For the kid and, yeah, the PTA things. Sure. It's a lifestyle. I mean, it is. It is. And when you step into it, you're like, oh, wow, shit. This goes on until they can drive. Yes. At least you get school. That takes a little edge off because you get the hours of the day. Mine's at a Somali daycare right now. But, yeah. It does. Yeah, it gets easier. It's the lifestyle that I was always just like, I don't know. And then you got to find the right person and hope they're not an asshole. And then buy a house and, you know, well, at least in the Midwest. apartment in New York. You're right. A lot of things have to go right. Yes. They have to go right quickly. You can't be doing this when you're 45. You can, but it's a little late in the game. You'll be 65. The kids are 20. That's the pace I'm on, I think. I think it's weird, too, because I'm from the generation where our parents had us when they were 22. That's true. I look at my parents and I'm like, it's weird. You're only 20 years older than me. That's wild. It's weird. That is weird. It is weird. Like when you're 50 and 70, that's not that kind of different. Yeah. That's good. But I mean, people wait, but I don't know. I think all these things would have to line up, and what are the odds of that happening? Well, you're one of the last cool comedians. I feel like comedians are all getting queefy and sober, and they don't have any fun. You're still living, damn it. That's why I brought this. I'm like, and then if you don't drink, now I already know what to say because so many people don't. I'm like, well, give it away. Give it away. I'm just here with it. You can do whatever you want with it or not want with it. But you're fun. I mean, I still drink. I'll smoke my little cigar every now and then. You're a cigar smoker. Well, Ron brought those and left them. Ron White. I do like them. Because I quit smoking cigs a long time ago. That's like a nice little treat. There you go. It's like a little reward. All these studies now, people are actually, I'm glad that that guy Scott Galloway had a thing recently. I like that guy. Yeah, you should drink. All these people are saying young people stop drinking. He's like, go out and socialize. It gets you off your phone. Well, that's weird. They don't want to go out. But I think it's coming back. They don't want to talk to people. I think it's also that young kids are really broke right now, though. I think that plays into it. I was broke when I was a kid. Yeah, I guess you find a way. You find a way. Yeah. Crackheads are broke. They make it work. There's a shitty biker bar. Yeah, but they don't have a roof over their head. They're not sinking. Shitty biker bar by my house in Nashville. Beers are three bucks. You can't. Come on. And guess who's in there? Me and a bunch of old guys. Exactly. Where are the kids? Where are the youngsters? to get laid but i think they all want to vape yeah i see it's such a turn off i was out with a girl and we're having a good time she took the vape out and i was like i know see i don't even care i don't understand why they're so weird about it like they're always hiding like oh yeah but i like i don't i don't know why like my sister-in-law is always that she's like my age she's always in a cloud of strawberry that's the problem is like when you're drunk you're like this is fucking cool. You're like, strawberry, fuck yeah. But then you're so popular, you're like, that's fucking nasty. No, no, no, but if you were a real smoker or a weed smoker, that shit. Yeah. No, I don't want my cigarette to taste like fruit. It's a cigarette. It's supposed to taste like the earth. Yes. Like dirt. No, it's like, it is like the Mike's Hard Lemonade to a beer. Yeah. I never liked the premium malt beverages. I always wanted a beer Yeah Just a beer Well I don want a fucking green apple whiskey No No Once you start putting fruit or vegetables or altering the rawness of whatever it was you lost me Yes. Me, but not the kids. Look at the vaping. And I think it's better. Honestly, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. But I think you should smoke cigarettes over vaping. Interesting. Because vaping, the pictures are that popcorn long. So you're basically inhaling a hot coil with shit in it from China. You bought it at a gas station. You don't know what the fuck is in that. Versus I know that Marlboro had to go through a chain of inspection. I know there's still cyanide and stuff. I get it. Tar. Rat poison. Yeah, it's still rat poison. But they told me. It's up to me now. Exactly. At least they're up front about it. They're up front because they had to be in the 70s. They held them to the feet to the fire. But I just think the vaping, that instant heat in your lungs, if you've ever – see if there's a picture of popcorn lung. Oh, it's bad. Because it never goes away. Oh, is that right? It never heals. I had a joke in my last special, but if you see a detective with a vape, he's not finding your kid. Oh, that's great. You know what I mean? Like, the cigarette does give you some ease, you know? It does. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You look like a girl in the cigarette. Why do they call it popcorn lung? Because it looks like popcorn. There's little bulbs on there. See, like – Polyps. Well, that one's not real. It was a real long. It looks like white polyps. There it is. Oh, my God. That is nasty. That is my dick after spring break. That makes me want to go back to the cinema. Irreversible. Irreversible. In the 60s and 70s, cigarette companies put asbestos in the filter tips so the smoke wasn't as harmful to your lungs. Woo, good times. Oh. Also, I've never seen a guy. So we were inhaling asbestos. I've never seen a guy with a vape with a picture of his daughter on it. Just saying. Remember that was a big thing? You put a picture of your kid on the cigarette pack, and you go, ah, maybe I shouldn't smoke. Really? Yeah. I've never heard of that. What? How did I miss that? My dad did that. There was a picture of you on a pack of cigarettes? Yeah. And he smoked more. I put a picture of a limp dick on my phone so I don't call my ex. That gets me to stop drinking. I bought a whole convent in St. Louis. There's only five nuns left. I smoked it up Marlowe's that I got him a kayak, and I got him those red jackets. They're like farmer jackets with a brown collar. and they're like, you know, like a Martha Stewart farm jacket. It did say Marlboro in tiny letters, but the nuns don't care. They all smoked anyway. Really? And I'm like, hey, I'm going to collect every Marlboro mile in America. So I'd go to like Columbus Funny Bone or whatever, and I'd tell all the servers, save your Marlboro miles. I'm saving them because people would leave them, packages. Nobody cared. Yeah, that's how many I got. Damn. The kayak was 50,000 miles. Wow. And I did it. And they took a float trip in Missouri. That is hilarious. Three nuns drowned. It could be done. And Lewis smoked camel. They had the camel bucks. Lewis Black. So I would save all his camel because he didn't care. Yeah. I'm like, dude. Did Lewis smoke cigs too? Oh, yeah. All of them. Wow. Lewis smoked all the camel lights. There's no more left. I love that. Yeah, when I'm drunk, I do crave a cigarette. There's something about it. There's something. Well, it's terrible to say. I just like fire. I like ashtrays, like old ones, like stand-up ones that are super cool. You can find it at any thrift store. You should move to Malibu. The smoky atmosphere. Yeah. But you have to just be the right kind of person to say, I'm in. Right. Like, I love it. There's something hot, too. Like, you know, you, like, walk outside the bar in the winter in New York. You meet a girl. You're both smoking a cig. There's something kind of hot about that interaction. I don't know. Sure, yeah. Well, you're both ruining your lives together. We both don't give a shit. That's the message. It's a fuck it. It's a big fuck it. Yeah, I like that. But I don't even think we thought that back then. Like, I don't know. You just did it. Yeah, because everybody in the house smoked. That's why when people are like, I know there's something to secondhand smoke, but really then all me and my siblings should be dead. My parents smoked in the car, windows rolled up, in the house. I don't believe that. We came up, there was a couple clubs we got at the end. Like the St. Louis Funny Bone where you could still smoke in that cloud of smoke. But there weren't that many clubs left by the time when we were doing it. that, but that, I remember seeing the cloud of smoke, like, oh, this is crazy. Or in the South, they would allow it a lot more than the North. Yeah. Like, you could still go down to Charlie Goodnight's or something, and cigs everywhere, nobody cared. Yeah, yeah. But I smoked, so I didn't care. I didn't even think it was an issue. Like, I mean, I knew that, like, my clothes smelled really bad. After a week in the club, you're like, oh, shit, like, yeah, I gotta go home. But you never heard an autopsy, like, he died of secondhand smoke. That's never happened. You don't, I mean, people get lung cancer who don't smoke. Yeah, but that doesn't mean they're around It's true, yeah You can just be a person Yeah, I don't know the date on it I don't either We're talking about things we don't know about But it sounds right It sounds good It sounds right It sounds right Attell lighting up in front of the Rizzler Was an all-time moment on this call Sean Penn at the Golden Globes Yeah, I saw that Jeez, he looks rough He looks like an ashtray There are so many things you could do besides have that sig at that moment. I know. Take off your shirt. I'll throw 17 nicotine patches on your back. You'll fly like an eagle. How about some gum? Like, I got everything that's got the nicotine in it. He doesn't care. He's been famous for too long. No, he likes smoking. But he's also been famous for too long. It's the thing where, like, Chappelle will just light up in a club, and he's like, he knows he shouldn't, but he's also like, I don't care. Yeah. There's a comic, Rick Kearns, from Denver, and we checked into some hotel back in the day on the road, and the lady's like, it's a $250 fine, And we're there for the week, like Wednesday through Sunday. $250 fine if you smoke in the room. And Rick goes, nightly? He's right. I might pay $250 to smoke in my room all week if you could. And the lady didn't even get what he meant. I'm like, he's kidding, but he's kind of not. He wants to know if he gives you $250, can he smoke all week? But I don't know. We didn't think about it. Our parents smoked. We all smoked. I don't think it got out that it was bad news until I was probably, well, I was probably 16. Okay. My parents don't smoke or drink. I'm the problem, I think. Interesting. Don't look like a drink. Your parents don't smoke. No, my dad did when he was young, but they all drink quite a bit. But I'm from New Orleans. I remember when you could smoke in bars, and the hangover was so much worse with that stink on my clothes. Yes. Yeah, it's a headache. Oh, my God. I was just in Berlin, and we were in a smoking bar, and we were all zapping cigarettes. We were all getting fucked up. Oof. Goddamn, that hangover is another level. Another level. You didn't drink enough water. Yeah. You got to super hydrate if you're in the smoky area. I know, but you know that. But in the moment, you're like, I'm fucked up. Yeah. And water sounds gross. It's like we're in a cold. It was a gross bar. Well, no, water sounds gross. Water does, yeah. If you're drunk, drunk, water just sounds like, that's just one more thing I'll throw up later. I don't need all that. You put it off. Why do we put it off? Because it takes the fun out of it. We're trying to get fucked up. You're going to hand me a safety net of water. You're like, we're drinking whiskey and smoking a cigarette. Being responsible, it's not in us at that moment. Exactly. It probably wasn't in us to begin with. Eat this apple while you're eating a birthday cake. Come on. Were you around for the tail end of the comedy cocaine years? Ooh. Yeah, I mean, I didn't do it. Come on. No, seriously. It's us here. I'm too, I would get addicted too fast. Like, I worked at a restaurant and bar from the time I was 13 to 23, Stuart Anderson's Cattle Company. I was a bus girl. I was a server, a bar back, and a bartender. that whole period. I watched people that were 10 years older than me get addicted to Coke. I called it the devil's drug because it was just affordable enough. Say we made $75 each bartending. They'd spend $45 on blow and then that would be gone. So you really only made $30. It was affordable enough to get it but affordable enough to break you over time. So then they'd be like, then you want more blow. So that $45, that initial buy-in of 45 bucks is now 65 bucks. And then it just keeps going. I just saw so many lives smoked by that. I'm like, no, no, because I know I would probably like it. Of course. Well, that jacket says cocaine. It is, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. It says Tony Montana. Bring on cocaine. But they were still doing it. I remember the funny firm in Chicago. Funny firm. That's hilarious. John Grisham's club. Oh, my God. The fucking owner. It was just blow all over the desk. Bags of blow. Because my friend, Diane, she goes, how much did he tell you you're making? I said, I don't really remember. I think $650. She goes, go up there right now before the week starts and say, hey, we agreed on $950, right? And he's so high, he'll just say yes. And I did, and it worked. And I was like, wow, I just got a $300 raise. You never hear about the good side of drugs. There's a wonderful side of drugs if you're not on them at the time you get raised. It worked. I was like, wow. Yeah, there was still a lot of that. But it kind of faded quickly. I'd say by like 92, gone, 93. People just, I think they just did all the cocaine and then they ran out of money. And they were burnt out probably too. Oh, no. No? You think they were going to keep going? Yeah, like somebody I worked with, her nose actually fell in. And I was at the Funny Bone years later and somebody said, hey, that came from the restaurant. They're like, did you say hi to Pam? I go out and see Pam. She said, no, she's at the bar. I go, ah, no, she ain't. yeah she is she's at the end i'm like oh fuck and if you get to the point you've done so much blow that your nose collapses trust me you didn't save eight grand for a nose job you don't have a reserve to fix that you have to live with that now yeah or work your way back like we're all thinking it we all that other stuff i've never seen as much destruction as i do why jews don't do cocaine that the nose will collapse too hard through the face that's a big avalanche Way more expensive nose. Yeah, right. That's a lot of coke. Yeah. That's a lot of blood. Artie looked better the last time we saw him. Yeah. He looked like he fixed it. Yeah. Did he fix it? I think so. Somewhat, yeah. Yeah. As much as you can. It's not easy to fix either. No. Because it's just all cartilage like a shark. It just, there's no bone here. It just. So we got to redo. You know his story, right? Yeah. With the hooker. Yeah. And the glass shattering. Can you tell us? Well, basically he was crunching up some coke or some pills with a salt shaker, a glass salt shaker. The salt shaker cracked. He didn't realize it. So now he's pounding glass into the pills and the powder, and he sorted it. And then he said the hooker took a shower, or he took a shower, and he said, keep clapping while I'm in the shower so I know you don't steal anything. So she had to clap. That's a good relationship. Yeah. That's Bill Toad. It's hilarious that you'll fuck someone that you trust that little. Well, that's a hooker. I know, but... Also applause. He's getting... Yeah, applause break. Yeah, but still. That hooker wasn't going to do that. Why are you judging her so harshly? Just because she has a shitty gig doesn't mean she's a shitty human. Wow. Doesn't mean she's going to steal. You never know. Yeah, but would you do that to a non-hooker? Like, let's say you went out with a woman and you're on your third date and you say, clap while I'm in the shower because I think you're stealing? No. I should have once. That would be weird. That would be like, she'd be like, dude, fuck you. I'm not stealing your zany sweatshirt. I love the sweatshirt. I have my own. Yeah. I don't know. I knew a friend. I'm not going to say his name. He's a fellow comic. We all know him. He got a prostitute and they did their deed. The whole thing lasted eight minutes and then he went to the bathroom and he saw in the mirror that she was going through his duffel bag and he just went, could you not do that? And she was like, oh, sorry. So then she left. So it happens. That's all it took. Could you just not do that? It's very polite. I guess so. Yeah, I guess you just got to keep everything in sight. Bring it all in the shower, the wallet, everything. Jeez. Well, there you go. All right, well, hey, did you ever get shit? Because you've been doing comedy, what? 75 years. 75 years? So you started with Bob Hope and Shelley Berman? No. You know, I actually did a Bob Hope show. Really? Yeah, it was called Ladies of Laughter. It was me, Wendy Liebman, Margaret Cho, Carol Montgomery, I think. Wow. That's a good line. I know, Montgomery. It was a good show. Yeah. But he was so old. He was like 88 at the time. My mom and dad came out for some reason. I don't know why, because they didn't really attend. There's seven of us. They don't focus on us individually, ever. I don't know why. Oh, I know why, because my little brother was in love with Brooke Shields, and she was supposed to be on the show. He canceled the soccer tournament, and Brooke Shields canceled, and they switched her out for Crystal Bernard, the lady from Wings. Oh, no. Yeah, my brother ruined his whole life over that. Are you in this photo? Is that you? Yeah, I'm on the back left. Whoa. But that's, no, those are the hosts, though. That's not the comedians that were on there. Oh, okay. They were all on the show. See, there's the lady from Wings. Yep. That's Anita Wise. I think she passed away. That's Rue McClanahan. Yeah, there's Bob. Pull up. See if you can find the comedians. Yeah, okay. These are like the host people. What a pull. No shit. I didn't even know that was online. Is he touching your buttocks there? Oh, no, I can see his hands. He was having eye explosions. Eye explosions? While I was talking at home. My mom was the nurse forever. Doing coke to his eye. I'm like, Mom, I go, what's going on with his eyes? She goes, oh, it happens to old people all the time. Blood vessels burst. And I go, is that hurt him? Is it hurt? No. She goes, he doesn't even know it's happening, except everything is going to get very foggy for a few minutes. And then somebody will come out with drops. But, like, I didn't know that you could live long enough. Like, the whites of your eyes, all of a sudden a vein would show up, and it just goes, pew. Whoa. Time to pack it in. That's rough. Yeah. All the cue cards were, like, the size of a wall. They brought them in on trolleys. It would say, like, hi. This is how smart he was, though. He negotiated for 50 years with NBC that they had to give him three specials a year. For 50 years they agreed to that. Jesus. So that's why when he's 88, he's still doing the Bob Hope Christmas special. Whoa. It's 1994. That originated 50 years ago. They were so- They were like, we did not think you'd live this long. No. No, nobody did. Norm MacDonald says he's the best comedian of all time. Bob Hope? Yeah. What? That's what Norm says. Norm's a contrarian, though, sometimes. Yeah. Because I think a lot of people towards the end said he got a little corny and stuff. Definitely, definitely. He was a little corny. Yeah, yeah. I mean, at least to our, no. Even my parents were like, well, you know, he's the gag guy. He has writers. They even knew he's just a vessel of delivering whatever. He's not really what we would call a comedian. Yeah, yeah. He's an entertainer. Yes, he's an emcee. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. He was funny enough, though. I mean, somebody gave him a $20 bill and said, can you sign this? And he did. He goes, there you go, now it's worth five. Ha ha. Like old-timey, corny, jokey-jokey. He was America's grandpa. Yeah, but like. That's a cool lineup to be on to. Wendy Liebman, funny shit. Oh, so funny. Yeah. Our HBO won Women of the Night, I think it was called. I think it was like me, Wanda, Wendy. Oh, wow. It's the same six of us. Right. In that era, we just kept getting the gig. Sure. And they would go, okay. That's why back then there was HBO Young Comedian Specials, HBO Women of the Night. Well, which one am I going to audition for? There's only 50 women showing up to the audition. Max, max. You got a good shot. There's 350 guys showing up over here. I'm not going to that. No. I'm over here. Smart odds. Yeah. Play the odds. I don't care if you want to say, oh, you got it because you're a woman. Whatever. I got it. I got it. I'm on TV. I'm on. You're not. Yeah. Your shit's always been strong, though. Killer. Well, they picked good people. I mean, Wanda's still fucking funny. Wendy's still funny. Margaret Cho is still funny. Yeah, she is. And solid. Like, I would pay to see anybody I just mentioned. Did you have a lot of the, because you always hear, like, it's hard for women. Did you find that? No. Whoa. I did not. If anything, every dude that was a headliner, like, when I was an old man, was nothing but nice. Yeah. It helped. to me though the one the one the one big disadvantage is for women headlining especially early on is like the just the griminess of the road and the clubs and stuff to me that's what i've heard at least from female friends well there are women that quit because of that because they don't like the road part but i liked it but i also have a lot of brothers and i'm used to living with slobs and pigs i don't care about all that yeah i think the only disadvantage was and i can prove it statistically is uh when it came to do you get a sitcom or not uh interesting female the only the only reason brett butler and roseanne it was because of marcy carsey warner over at warner brothers and they gave the marcy cars was a big advocate for women can handle their own sitcom but if you go back before that oh i mean and i love ray romano i think he's very funny but that's who was getting them kevin james right keep going back seinfeld yeah mostly white guys too sure And if you were black, they put you on back then. You had Martin. You had a couple of Cosby. What was this crazy channel? I don't think it doesn't. UPN? Not UPN. It might have been. WPIX? 4chan? It doesn't exist. I don't think it exists anymore, but they put all the black sitcoms on that network. The WB? What did you say? I think it was UPN. Oh, UPN? I don't know. Might have been the WB. BT? But I'm saying, so if Cedric the Entertainer, I'm friends with him, he's funny, funny, you know. Oh, he got a show. If you got a show, then they would, back then, they would go, you're over there. Right, right. And then white guy goes to, and the other drag, I don't want the gig, so it doesn't bother me that much, but female late night talk show host. Forget it. That never appeals to you, though. I don't want it, but why couldn't Wanda do it? Sure. She wanted to. Yeah, sure. She's great. What about, did a sitcom appeal to you back then? No, it never did, never will. I can't. I went one time to the Big Bang Theory with Lewis because he had a part at the end as a crazy professor or some horse shit. He's a good actor. Lewis is a very good actor, and he enjoys the process. I don't have the patience for it. We went there at 4 in the afternoon. We didn't leave until 11. Me and his assistant drank a bottle of white wine. I memorized his lines. I memorized the whole script. That's hilarious. I said, what are you going to pay for this, Lou? Do you even know? Scale. Scale. It was like the whole day. It was like $4,500 minus everybody you got to pay. I go, was this worth it to you? He goes, yeah, I love it. Really? I'm like, we've been here seven fucking hours. But he's a Yale drama guy, isn't he? I know, but he doesn't care. Any kind of acting is fun to him. Yeah. I go, this truly, because we've been best friends for 100 years, you truly think this was a fun day compared to if we went golfing and then had a bunch of wine. And some steaks. You think this equals that. In a different way, yeah. He's very serious. He's not kidding. Well, if you want to do that, not the road, for sure. Dude, I will never, ever return. to this lot and watch you do anything. You're on your own now, buddy. I came once. I ate with you in the commissary. It was horrible. Seven hours. I'm with you. You do the Tonight Show. You've got to get there at two. You don't leave until seven. You're like, what the hell was this? I did five minutes. And that was only five hours. Right. Right. I'm talking eight on a lot that I couldn't get on because they don't have the IDs right. I've got to fight with the people. And meanwhile, I have Jokey the Clown here who's on the fucking show. Nobody believes that. And I'm like, no, he's in it. I'm just a driver. I don't want to No. I think you're right about the sitcom, though. That's true. Because a lot of guys, like Bernie Mac, Jamie Foxx, Damon Wayans, they all got sitcoms. Come on, you guys. What was the network? 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The essential open earbuds are here to help you go for gold. Go to buyraycon.com slash mightbedrunkopen to get 15% off. That's buyraycon.com slash mightbedrunkopen to get 15% off. Thanks, Raycon, for sponsoring. Hear, hear. Is this it? Is that Phyllis Diller? That was Phyllis Diller. That was supposed to be Brooke Shields. My brother quit his soccer. We got the B squad. Are you still with it? He's 88 here? I assume. Wow. Hey, look at that. Oh, I've never seen it. It's Nancy Reagan. Looked at them. He looked at a cassette. Yeah. The classic misdirection. She created that whole thing. I can't watch myself. I took one look at these people and felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries and going, yeah, I found everybody. Wait, pull up the Caroline's wall and then her sweater. I've got to compare the two. That sweater was right out of Caroline's. That, yeah, exactly. Oh, shit. That is the Caroline's wall. I should have worn it on Caroline's. Oh, you would have blended it in like camo. I would have on wallpaper. Ah, this is going to take a half hour. God damn it. Damn, that's cool, man. How cool is that? I don't know. Is it? What did you get paid for that? 50 bucks? I don't know. What were the first big gigs you did? The first big... What was your first special on? Well, HBO. And then I got HBO Half Hour. Nice. Me, Chappelle. Wow. Warren Hutchinson. That's one of the only things I have a poster of in my house. That's pretty cool. I'm like, you know what? That was cool. Patton Oswalt. Nice. There were five of us. The one skinny guy... Maybe it was Warren passed away? I don't know Warren. Warren Hutchinson? Skinny black guy? No. I think he died. I don't care for that kind of humor. Warren Hutchinson? No. Hutchinson. We just got the wall. There you go. I could be saying he's dead and he's not even dead. I don't know. But that's what I heard. Uh-oh. But there was a fifth on that that I'm not thinking of. Ah. Is that Warren? Yes. There he is. Yeah. Does it say... Did he pass away? Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. He was on UPN for a while. That'd be enough. So the HBO. That was like the big, to get an HBO half hour. Sure. It was way better than a Comedy Central half hour. I got one of those, too. But that had more, like, just between comics, that had more, because they didn't give that many. Like, Comedy Central, at one point, I think it was like 25 a year. Like, what the fuck? It was crazy. It was completely crazy. By the time Mark and I did it, we did nothing. It was nothing. Yeah, it was a waste. No, but it was almost a waste by the time I did it, where you're like, okay. And then Comedy Central, we filled it somewhere here in New York, right off Times Square, one of those theaters, the Hudson Theater. Yep. And nobody asked me, and I don't really care, but I'm like, huh. I go out, and the background is a prairie with a windmill. I'm like, what? Well, you're Midwestern. I'm from St. Louis. We don't have the windmills. How about the arch or something? I'm not from Kansas. My Kansas starts all that. Not Missouri. And I was like. A lot of funny people from St. Louis, by the way. Yeah, we have a lot of funny black people. Tommy Johnigan, you, Nikki Glaser. Greg Warren. Greg Warren. A lot of funny comics out of there. And then the black side's even funnier. Cedric. J.B. Smoove. I don't know about that. Miles Davis. Lavelle Crawford. Lavelle and I grew up like two streets away from one another. And I go, now that I see you, I know you were the fattest kid at the swimming pool. There was a public swimming pool. He goes, oh, baby, that's a lot of fat babies. I go, yeah, but now with a tiny pinhead. You have that pinhead, Lavelle. I go, I know I saw you as a kid. Like, we never knew each other until later. But I'm like, it had to be, we're not that far apart in age. I'm like, it had to be you. And he's like, I'm sure we got it. Ferg is that. He murders. Murder. He's the hardest kill I've ever seen. Good actor, too. Do you see when he was on It's Always Sunny? as Landslide, the diarrhea comic. It's fucking great. Landslide. He's good in serious shit, too. He was good in the drug one. Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad, but then there was another one where it was like a Mexican cartel thing. Yes, on Breaking Bad. That had a cartel in it. Red Fox is from St. Louis. Whoa. I love Red Fox. How about that Provel pizza? What do you think? I love it. It's pretty good. I do or die Zany's Dorf every time I tell him his kids play hockey Get an Emo's Pizza Matty, I've tasted it, it's your thing You either love it or hate it I don't love it or hate it I like it I'm a New York Pizza guy, New Haven's my number one I like it, I get it when I go there That and the toasted raviolis That's the St. Louis thing Once you try toasted ravioli Outside of that perimeter It's gross yeah like i can't i don't know where it originated clearly not well maybe we have an italian neighborhood that's pretty famous i mean yogi bear all those guys oh wow dimaggio wow they were all from that one but yogi but dimaggio grew up on the west coast so he was an sf i think he was on the bay the st louis it's uh like the most famous yankees there was like four of them from yogi bear you said that right yeah all right and then if you google dimaggio's father was i think He was like a fisherman off the coast in the Bay. So maybe somebody grew up in the Bay after that. I don't know. You'll know him. There we go. AI, do your thing. Yogi Berra, Paul Goldschmidt, Luke Volt. No, these are not good boys. No, it's a Yankee, for sure. Joe Gargiola. Yeah, Joe, right. That's a million. They were all from the Hill. So maybe they didn't have that. Jason Tatum, St. Louis. Who's the guy in the Florida Panthers is St. Louis. Kachuk. Yeah, Kachuk. Yeah, the Kachuks. Yeah, they were. Oh, man. Look up J.B. Smoove just for me. I just want to know if J.B. Smoove was St. Louis. I don't think so. All right. What about Miles Davis? Yes. Okay. That's a big one. St. Louis has fucking some nice contributions, man. Holy shit. That funny bone was good. It was a year. It kind of stayed Tina Turner. That's where Ike and Tina became a thing. Okay. But she's technically, I think, from Tennessee. Where is he from? I don't think so. Early life. No, it was way up. North Carolina. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah. Also, I think we've done Mr. Hutcherson a disservice here because we were like, is he alive or dead? He's alive. Can we listen to one of his jokes? Yeah, let's listen to a joke. I hate for him to be like, they're talking about you on a pod. Well, yeah, but I don't. They want to know if you're alive. I don't know. I just heard that. That's what I said. You have to wonder, well, what's number one? You know? How did you get all the way to 1807? You cut right to the setup. Oh, sorry. Hey, murder. What's that up? I just put it in. Hey, that's a 187. 187. That's the color for murder. Here we go. What bothers me? And he said, you have to wonder, well, what's number one? That's good. Yeah. 487. Somebody said, hey, murder, put that on the list. That's solid. That's true. That's a good point. He had a great half hour, and he was fun. Oh, I know the other guy. Oh, God, Jeff Garland, who I wanted to murder. We all do. Because he was so fucking late every day, and we all had to do this shit together. Oh, that's his least problem. And his comedians were not used to any of that anyway. I don't want to rely on you or you or you. I just want to do my shit and leave. Why do you have to wait for him, though? Well, because it would be like a taping thing, and we're doing an intro thing for the stupid special HBO, whatever they made us, monkey do, monkey behave, those banger symbols. Fine, fine. Chappelle made it. Right. He's at 18 bags of weed. And black. But he's fucking here. Yes. He is fucking here. Like, come on, man. Yeah. Come on, Jeff. And then he would show up laughing. He's making that face when he shows up late. Yeah, you're an hour and a half late. It's hilarious. hilarious well at least he's gotten funnier all right i know whatever love you jeff but you can't be late like that it's not nice no it is not punctuality i would say punctuality is at the top it's it's just disrespectful disrespectful yeah if i have friends who are late i make comments of it i got into a big fight with a close friend of mine because he was late like repeatedly and i was like i said it very respectfully hey i just i the late thing can't do I don't care for it. It's disrespectful. And he pushed back, and then a while later he was like, you're right. Wow. Good. But I do think lateness is fucking rude. Without a text, at least give me a text. Yeah, everybody, shit happens. I get it. But every time. Well, back then, too, he's not just, you know, it doesn't matter about me. But, like, what about the HBO executive people? You're not worried that they'll be mad? Yeah. I don't know, but I'm Catholic school rule follower. Like, you give me rules, I follow them. When it affects other people. Yes. If you're just late and you're the bad guy, whatever, but when it affects other people, and it does, it's annoying. It's one of my top. I had to sit a friend down, but I will say it was like a family thing. His whole family is always late. So they run like that. And when he'd get real nervous, he'd go like this. He'd pet his own head. He'd be like, I'd go, Jim, here's the thing. I can't. You can always be 10 minutes late with me, maybe 15. 30? No. I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm going to drive out to the Brea Improv without you. I'm not stopping by while you're fucking ironing your shirt. Is this a comic? Yeah. He was opening for you. Yes. And he was late. And he's a good friend. That's great. And then they get mad at you. You left me? Yeah. Like, yeah, motherfucker. And you're driving your opener. I'm driving him. Yeah, I think he's on my way, so no problem. You're a better person than either of us. One time his roommate answered the door. I'm like, Ty, where's Jim? Oh, I think he's ironing a shirt. no no no no dude this is not but i will say i had to talk with him and from that day on jim was on time okay i mean the 9-11 terrorists made it on time sometimes not all of them some of them fucked it up oh is that right i think some people sometimes you just kind of let people know it bothers you sure maybe it didn't but because jim's like my whole family's late all the time like nobody thinks anything of it i'm like well the rest of the world isn't necessarily on board with that. Yeah. But he made awesome adjustments. Okay, good. So just when you think you can't do it anymore, just tell him. Oh, when people are OCD and they're like, oh, I'm OCD, I'm like, I don't give a shit. Wash your hands 14 times before you meet me. Yes. Before you're supposed to meet me. How about that? There's a famous story about a guy. Show up with a wrinkled fucking shirt. I don't give a shit. Yeah, I love a wrinkled shirt. Right. We're at the Irvine Improv. Does anyone care? Yeah. No. No. We're doing a benefit for Tippi Hedren and her weird animals. Just get in the car. Get in the car. Which one is Tippi Hendren again? She's Melanie Griffith's mom. She was the lady in The Birds. The Birds. God, that is a whole lineage of famous hot chicks, huh? Yeah. He grew up with lions and tigers in the house. Really? Melanie Griffith is so hot. Can you pull up a picture of Melanie Griffith? Dude, Something Wild. You like that one? Ray Liotta? That's a wreck. Very attractive. If you haven't seen Something Wild, Ray Liotta, Jeff Daniels, Melanie Griffith. Oh, I've never seen it. Great fucking movie. It's Jonathan Demme too Who did Silence of the Lambs It's fucking awesome Holy shit That is not fun That's Melanie Griffin That will prepare you well for Hollywood With dudes trying to grab you like that That's true There she is There's pictures of it in the house Oh there it is in the kitchen Look at that It's like Tiger King It was the first Tiger King This is abusive I think I don't, I would have loved it A tiger? Fuck, yeah. If I was a little kid and somebody told me it was fine. You can't have nice things. I would have trusted my dad's opinion on that. A lion? Yes. You smoking? You'd light that thing on fire on accident. You'd ash on it. Yeah. Or be an excellent ashtray. I don't care for this. No. So this is the greatest, one of the greatest comic moments I've ever seen somebody fucking do. There's a comic from Houston named Jeff Burkhart, and he's very funny. And we all went out to do this benefit. I didn't even know what it was for. It was one of those last-minute calls. You guys all just show up at the Irvine Improv. It's for an animal. I did know it was animal based. Like, don't. But Jeff didn't know. And he got there late. And he has like a two minute bit about running over his neighbor's cat. And he didn't mean to run over the cat. Like it wasn't like on purpose. But it's kind of funny. Like funny that I can't explain. But Tippi Hedren was there. I didn't even know who this person was. She stands up and bangs her glass with a spoon. Like we're at some sort of royal reception. and says, remove this man from stage. Like she's a queen of something. And all of the cowboys are in the back. I'm like, who's that? And they're like, it's Tippi Hendren, like Melanie Griffith's mom. She was probably 80 at the time. And he's like, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not getting off stage. She goes on stage and tries to grab the mic out of his hand. He goes, oh, no. Do you know how many open mic nights you need to go to get a hold of this mic lady? You need to go. and he gives her this laundry list of what you need to do to be a comedian. And he walks. She then went to the improv on Melrose the following day and told Bud Friedman she wanted him fired from every club, which, you know, Bud doesn't even know who we're talking about. Sure, sure. Well, I'll look into it. What's his name? You know, I'm like, well, it was Jeff Burkhart. They should have thrown, like, 50 birds at her. She was very mad. But it's like, lady, it's just a joke about running over a cat. I know, when you hit her cat, you're going to wreck your fucking truck. Yeah, your little Prius. This is going to be a piece of shit. Freeman's like, can we remove this lady real quick? Fucking kook. Wow, what a nut. Entitlement. She grew up with all that. She still has, if we Google L.A. Tippy Hedron Animal Park. What? She's still cooking? I don't know that she's still alive, but the park is. You can spend the night there. Weird. We've got hobos that do that here. Look at that. She's so pretty. Tomlin. Lily Tomlin. Lily Tomlin. Love her. I love Lily Tomlin Wow, they love pussy Look how pretty she still is though She looks amazing Oh my god, beautiful Remember in Nashville? She was hot, dude Oh yeah, Nashville Remember the movie Nashville, Robert Ullman movie? Great flick From the 70s, oh my god Musical, but it's like dark and fucking seedy About showbiz, it's awesome I didn't realize how much Melanie looks like her Until I just saw that They've got some hot genes in that family Who was the dad? Good question. Was he someone famous? I hope he liked animals. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? She doesn't drop it until you get married. By the way, I want tigers in the house. You're like, fuck. I hope you're not allergic to cats. Yeah. Because there's a lot of cat hair. Who? To the Adrian's husband, sorry. Yeah. Husband. Oh. Uh-oh. Very handsome. Oh. Keep it in your pants, Alec. Jesus. Who is he? Peter Griffith. Oh, Peter Griffith. And her brother was baby Stewie. Huh. How about that? Well, he's cute, too. There you go. Cute kids. Mmm. Melanie Griffith had a hot chick run. Oh, milk runny. For sure. Oh, my God. Don't get me started on that. Charming, too. Like, very cool. Cool girl. You know, she was like 16 in that movie Night Moves with Gene Hackman. Pull it up. Gene Hackman was probably 68. Yeah. That's a good place. And nobody cared. No, he was pretty young in that. That was like 70. That was pretty young. Yeah. I mean, poor Gene Hackman. Jesus Christ. I mean, it's like you make it to 95, whatever the hell he was, and then you just die like that. What the fuck? What happened again? Rats all over the property. Well, he just... You don't think about that, do you? But you die alone. Some animal's gnawing on your fucking skull. Yeah. Which I guess I'm dead, but I don't like it. If you're Gene Hackman, it's not a rat. It might be your cat. Yeah. Bart. Thank God she didn't die in her home. She'd be mauled to death. Well, those big pumas. That was a weird, weird death. What happened again? Heart attack? Well, I think she was his caretaker, and he must have had some sort of dementia, and she died. She died. And then he had no one to take. And he, yeah. Oh, God almighty. Not good. Yeah, hope for Fetal. How about, though, when somebody has dementia, if I'm the caretaker, I have a checker in her every day just in case something happens to me. What happened to that, like, plant? Yeah, good point. Like, because if I go, he'll be apeshit and not know anything. I don't know. There should have been Catholic rule follower. I would have had a backup plan. He was a fucking ledge. I love Jim Mackman. Papa Doyle, baby. Oh, man. French Connection? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Now, how are you dealing with all this new age comedy shit with the clips and the pods and the editing? I love the podcast. All right. I love them all. I have my own. I just saw you. Which part did you just do? I just saw you on something recently. Burt. something else too I don't know I did a bunch Tom Papa I'm really close with Tom we love Bert and Tom they're both great I love the podcast part I don't really get the post the clip of me dealing with a heckler thing that's just engagement you don't have to burn material the whole burn material thing I think is idiotic argument do you think because I have done A million jokes. I have a regurgitated set of Olympic jokes that I done on like 100 shows and nobody knows it except me and one guy Bob Bob has booked me doing it numerous times but they funny enough It works you know for the time It a timing thing Like I can see Olympics And then it looks like I just wrote it all yesterday, but it's 10 years old. I love when that happens. I have done a million jokes on TV. Do people not come anymore because they've seen it? Of course not. I just think there's a pressure now though, that we, you really have to just turn over hours like never before. Well, that is weird. it is weird but I think that is the expectation I did a show at the Chicago Theater recently and I thought it went really well this guy wrote me this long message I'm so disappointed that I've heard that closer before and I was like I don't know what the fuck you want me to tell I feel like 50 new minutes before that yeah exactly and you want to end strong and the show went well and I'm hard on myself I know when it's bad But, yeah, people – I don't think seeing someone deal with a heckler is going to propel me to want to go buy a ticket to see them. Interesting. I need to see what are you doing that would make me – there's a big difference between I'll follow you on TikTok, I'll follow you on Instagram, or I'm going online to Ticketmaster and buying a ticket or a club, whatever. There's another level there to push you over the edge to do that. Even as like a – like I love music more than comedy. But music-wise – Give us some music, Rex. I love Ella Langley right now. Okay. I don't know Ella Langley. Oh, my God. Choosing Texas is like the biggest song that's happening right now. Really? She's country, but she almost sounds old school. Yeah. Ella Langley, like old school. She's super pretty. I want to see. I want to hear it. This song. Can we play this or are we in trouble? Peters? It's her voice I love that twang And she's got a deep, like, smoky Hubba hubba So her I like it I love Morgan Wallen Sure, sure God's country He's East Tennessee Yeah This is so... The whole album. Great pipes. Yeah, I like it. And easy on the eyes. I can tell by... So you're a country gal. Not really. Yeah. But I live in Nashville, so I'm surrounded by it. You can't... Were you always in Nashville? No. I'm from St. Louis, and I went to L.A. for 20 years. You were in L.A. for 20 years? Yeah. Jesus. Ten at the Beach with all the Beach Comics. Venice? Daniel Tosh. Oh, hell yeah. We were the Redondo Hermosa group. Oh, that's living out there. Did you like it out there? We had a blast. Well, I loved the beach, but then eventually the traffic got so bad you can't get in and down. So I just bit the bullet and moved into West Hollywood. I'm like, okay, I'm right here. The comedy store's right there. Laugh Factory's right there. It's all a mile away. Improv. I hated it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't miss one thing except Barney's Beanery. I love Barney's because everyone in there was normal and wanted to watch sports. so it was a ton of like east coast and midwest people not the california cocktail crowd or whatever you want to call it too real for la i can we just turn on the fucking black hawks game i mean yeah no there's nowhere else they won't even have it you're chicago for hockey well no i'm blues but they were playing them at the time usually it was the black hawks blues but like you go to these other bars and there's like the super bowl will be on and they don't have a fucking tv Oh, crazy. No, I'm not meeting you for drinks. No, that's super cool. Like, there was just that dense, I would never feel that way in Chicago or New York. Sure. Chicago is an underrated, also an underrated drinking city. It's underrated drinking, and it's mostly beer and whiskey, like solid old school stuff, not weird drinks. And just great food and good vibes. Great food, super nice people. Underrated city, Chicago. And sports fans will die for their sports. I don't know. I love the 49ers but I feel like if I'm in San Francisco and you're walking around downtown, you may not know the 49ers are a playoff game right now. Interesting. I don't feel it. I think they're good with the Warriors but you might be right about the Niners. Well, and then they move too far south. It's really San Jose. And also the Warriors, they just spoiled the fuck out of that city. Four championships in like 10 years. I mean, that was crazy. Yeah, then it just becomes boring. Yeah, you're spoiled. Then I moved to Nashville like 11 years ago. I left L.A. I'm like, you know, I don't need to live here. All the late night shows moved here. So what am I doing here? Because I used to go on a night show a lot. Yeah. And then if somebody fell out, they knew they could just call. Wow. I'll go over there and do that. Conan was there. Everybody was there. And then they all just kind of started dropping off. I'm like, I don't have to live here anymore. I'm going to sell this house. Good for you. You're one of the first, I feel like, because a lot of people with COVID moves. Oh, I left way before COVID. Yeah. But I thought it was getting weird. Like, there was a guy going through my trash, and I went out to, like, go, dude, if you just tell me what you want, I'll actually save it. I'll save it for you. Tell me what you want. And the dude growled at me. Whoa. Okay. I'm out. Like, I don't even know what that meant. Whoa. But I've never seen a human growl. That's crazy. And I was like, I'll save you. What do you want? Cans, bottles? Like, I don't know what you're looking for. Yeah. But instead of throwing trash all over my yard. how about I just save it for you? I was like, I'm out. And Dorf, Zany's Dorf, was like, Nashville, Matty. I wanted to be able to drive to my parents. They were getting old, and I'm like, if shit goes weird, I don't want to be a flight away. How far a drive is that? Four and a half to St. Louis, all said and done. It's so funny that comedy people influence, because I moved downtown in the city because of Liz at the cellar, and Tom Papa, actually. Liz was like, you guys just fucking moved downtown, and Tom Papa was like, you gotta live in the village. moved to the village. And it was like those hangouts back to back. I was like, fuck it. I should have just moved in. That's a message from Jesus. It was. It came to Tom and Liz. It was. It was super. Yeah. But Dorf's like, man, you could golf every day. We can go fishing every day. I go, what lake? And he goes, just right by the airport. I go, I've been coming here 20 years. Dorf, he's always took me golfing. I go, you never took me fishing. I don't know if there's a lake here. He's like, yeah, it's five minutes from the golf course. You could have been recruiting me this whole time. Yeah. We could have been fishing versus golf or both. Do you fish a lot? Yeah, every day. Well, I mean, not when it's freezing. Wow. I built a house on that lake. I'm eight minutes from the airport, 15 minutes from downtown, and five minutes from Dorf. Oh. What's your situation? What kind of house are you in? What's the address? I don't know. I found it online. It was somewhere in the northwest, and I just asked a builder, can you just make that? And he was like, yeah. And he was drunk every day. Hell yeah. Every day he showed up with his dog and a big thing of Jack and Coke. He was hammered. It's the most well-built house. Damn. Steers are like this. I was like, imagine what Doug could have done sober. Like, I love this house. And even dudes will walk in and they'll start stomping and banging on shit. Well-built house, Kathleen. I got to even ask. Unsolicited. So I don't know. I just lucked out. And I'm right by Dorf. And I see him, like, at least, well, when the weather's nice. We golf probably three times a week. Do you get a word in? And he's there. I know Dorf. He's a talker. He's a talker. Oh, yeah. He's one of meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. I'm like, dude, you're like a... Because my sister goes, what's your deal with him? I go, he is like having a 16-year-old friend that's a guy. Every woman needs that guy. He wants to golf, fish, and smash beer cans on our heads. And sometimes I feel like that. Not all the time. I don't want to be married to Dorf. No. But as somebody in the phone, you want to go downtown right now and go see Jelly Roll? Fuck yeah, Matty. Oh, that's great. He's a goer. He's a doer. I like it. How the hell do you... You got so many specials. How do you write all that material? What's the move? Yeah, you are prolific. You are prolific. And you don't get your do. People say that, but I don't... You do. She's a fucking... No, I do not. That's what you're saying. We got a great one right here. There's somebody that's under 30 that says they're doing their fourth special. I'm like, really? as a comedian. Somebody yelled, well, Kathleen, you haven't had a special in whatever it was, three years. I'm like, Sade, after her hit, didn't have an album for 21 years. Fuck off. But you are prolific, I think. How many specials you got? Pull it up. We got IMDB here. It's got to be over 10, right? Well, hours or half hours? Well, let's say a half hour. I don't know. Either way, it's a lot. Well, if you combine, there's probably seven hour ones. I don't know. And then the half hour ones. That counts. We'll add two of those up. We get another hour. Yeah. But you figure, you know, that's, I don't know, one every three years. That's about right. That's rare. I think it takes three years to do it correctly, in my opinion, for me. I like three years, too. For me. Yeah, same. I don't know, but I'm friends with Ronan Hirshberg. Ronan could write an hour in his sleep, and I still like it. He's great. He's a great writer. He's a very good writer. He's smart. I can't do that. We talked about him. We were hanging in Nashville. Shane was fucking handing Bud Lights. We were at that Post Malone thing. That was fun as hell. Oh, wow. That was great. His album release. I don't know. It looks like six or seven. Wow. And that's not even including the half hour. Yeah. Oh, my Lord. So, yeah, that's a lot. I think every comic's different. I think you know when something's ready, and I think sometimes it takes you two years, and sometimes it takes you four years. But I also think that's why it's terrible when Netflix is putting these time limits on people and says, you're going to give me three specials. That's crazy. But that's why we know when you click on somebody we all like, I won't name names, where you're like, that was half-assed. Because he didn't have enough time. Sure. He was under some weird pressure, and then you just turn it in because the money was good. Yes, happens all the time. I get it, but I wouldn't do it. I would say no. I could name my five comics who had a great opening special. Their debut was amazing, and then the heat was so pressured that the second one sucked. There's one I know right now. And it makes me sad because I know that person, if he wasn't pressured and he was given more time, the second one would have been great, too. It's tough. You know that, Lewis? But I think also the touring is good. I mean, that's the other thing. It's like touring's fun. You got to get up. You have to. In front of people. I mean, I do love. I mean, I just did Europe in October. And you're like, let's see if these work here. It's a fun thing. It's like a puzzle. Yeah, you're like kind of running through the mud. The only joke that didn't work in Europe was I had like a health care joke that was kind of specific to the U.S. But other than that, everything hit. Yeah. Liberty? No, that's an old joke. Oh, okay. I had a joke about how Amazon was doing discount checkups. And I said, that's how fucked we are in America that Amazon's trying to help. I said, we're like a year away from, hey, what's your health insurance? I'm with a DraftKings Silverleaf Premier. Are they good? Yeah, with the flu shot, you get 20 bucks in bonus bets. But that's not like they don't have DraftKings in Europe. So they didn't get, but I'm like, I still like the joke. I'll still put it in the special, but it's like, you know. Yeah, that's. It's very specific to America. Yes. And they'll get it when the special goes over there. They'll figure it out. Yeah. And also like, you know what? If there's one of those and I like it, it's fine. If there's like five of those, then it's a problem. Sure. I think there's too much pressure on some of these people where I'm like, oh, here's another special. Really? We just saw one eight months ago? If it's all you do. How did you do that? It's also different. When Mark and I started, and obviously when you started, but I remember we talk about this all the time. Mark and I used to meet in the coffee shop and just bounce bits. We didn't have pods. No, the whole day. We were just – all we did was stand-up. We didn't have people asking for scripts for a show. We were literally only doing stand-up. now there's other shit you know your dad and there's and there's career stuff and there's editing yeah you need a social media manager it becomes another job with we have a whole thing and this is still number one but holy shit i wish i had more time sometimes i have to just be like please don't contact me to people or like i'm putting my phone in the other room i need it i need a topical joke yeah they're also totally different audiences like i i do my madigan's podcast people come to shows and they're like yeah i didn't even know you're a comedian oh we get all the time that people didn't know you do this yes but the podcast people are very specific and very different than the stand-up fans they're very rarely are they crossing so it's like if you do a podcast that people like then there's a whole nother audience waiting out there to be had Totally. But it's a second job. Yeah, but it's another thing. I don't feel like doing it every week. I love doing it, but when I'm swamped and the road is in a churning spin and I got to go, and like the Amazon special, you know, I actually participate in all that. Like, I pick the headshot. I tell them, I give them, I edit it myself. Right. I don't do the real bike somewhere. Sure, sure. Yeah. Like, I'm involved. So I'm busy, but it's almost like if you don't, I don't know. I just think you're going to fall off the map. You got to stay in shape. But I will say, I don't realize how busy we all are until I get a cold or something. And I'm like, fuck, I guess I do a lot. You got to set shit up. When you get sick and you're like, oh, shit, doing this. Yeah. Who's going to do all that I was supposed to do today? Yeah. Fuck. I always put stand-up first, though. It would have been better to just be like, Ron White, he was famous for the time he was famous. He'll always be famous within a certain group in America that loves Ron. And he can do a casino. He sells everything out to this day, and he does nothing aside from that. Golf. Well, yeah, he golfed. But he's also, yeah. He's the type of guy that might have been grandfathered in a little bit. That's what I'm saying. He's grandfathered into, if you became a big enough star in your time, whatever time frame that was, you can still run off that. Yeah, for sure. Like, Ron's 70. People that come to casinos are still 70. He can do every casino in America, but he can still sell hard tickets. Like, Knoxville, he sold out two shows. I mean. Nice. And he is writing new jokes. He's going out of those. That theater in Knoxville is one of the best in the country, I think. Spaceship. What is it called? The Bijou in Knoxville. Yeah, that's a good room. I think it's one of the. Yeah, like he's in the. I'm in the Bijou. He's in the big, big, big. Oh, wow. Okay. But what's the. That's a great theater. Knoxville's a great city. I mean. It's fun. I was there when College Game Day was there. Whoa. I've never seen that much excitement in a town. blue tick hounds because that's our mascot but you're allowed to bring yours i thought that was a slur no i was so excited i love a hound more than anything and i'm like fuck there's like a million of them you're allowed to bring it to the game if you have a ticker i don't know what that is oh my god it's so cute it looks like a beagle mixed with a australian that yeah yeah yeah so no no can you click on the can you click on the middle one that's like no next one the other side Yeah, that guy. Those are very all-American. Yeah, it's like a hunting dog. He's a hunting dog. But they're also super spoon-y beagles. But Knoxville. Oh, come on. That thing will fetch a duck for you right out of the pond. How cute is he? Such a proud-looking face. I killed all the chickens, bitches. I killed all the chickens. Look how cute he's like rubbing. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want those chickens? Because I already ate them. Who does he look like? Reagan? I can't put a face on it. Lyndon Johnson. Thank you. That's it. We got there. All right. So where are you going to be there, mad dog? Oh, my gosh. Well, that's next weekend. Chattanooga, Knoxville. You're all over TN. Chattanooga, Knoxville. Leanne Morgan's husband is coming to see me. I'm very excited. I'm his favorite comedian. Oh, really? Chuck Morgan. Whoa. Leanne Morgan's husband. I love Leanne. He's like, will you get a picture made with my husband? You're his favorite comedian. I'm like, really? because I'm cussing. I'm not dirty, but I cuss. I wouldn't think I would be in that valley, but I was very happy that I am. Huntsville, great city. Up and coming. Nobody gives it any love. They say it's one of the best bang for the buck cities. That and Charlotte, they say. Charlotte's almost already gone. They've already bought everything. Huntsville's got the Von Braun exhibit. Yeah, because all the Nazis went there for NASA. That's why we used the villains. You can tell it's still kind of a dumb museum because they still have a Papa shot in there. There's a basketball thing. Atlanta, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland. Boy, you've got quite a run. These are big theaters. Good for you. Great comic. Dude, seriously prolific killer. There's my podcast. Madigan's Pubcast. I drink and I talk about fringe stories. I don't have any guests. I had Ron one time and they all hated it. They didn't hate Ron. They just didn't like time. They were like whoa, whoa, whoa. No thanks. Got it. Those are supposed to be, I was told by many people, those are supposed to be special episodes. Okay. So you can choose do you want to listen to Ron White for an hour. Never thought about that. Me neither. Read the comments. Sometimes they're helpful. Yeah. Even if they're a little hateful. I agree. I agree. Okay, where am I going to be? Starting the 18th here. What was this? 25th? Excuse me. What? 20 who? Here it is. Grand Ron, I'm at Oregon at some casino. Spirit Mountain in New Brunswick. We're back at the Stress Factory, baby. I think that's sold out. San Antonio. I think they're selling Bodega Cat now. Yes. San Antonio, LOL. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Flagstaff, Arizona. And another casino. Suajarita, Arizona. Indianapolis. And Buffalo. Portland, Maine. And Lexington, Kentucky. Providence, Rhode Island. Dania Beach. Fort Lauderdale Raleigh what else you got Sammo oh my gosh I got I don't know you gotta pull me up here when did this come out 8 to 28 18 alright so yeah I got oh yeah we just added a couple nights I'm just doing some clubs in Chicago because I was in the Chicago just there so yeah Rosemont on the 4th and we got I think those are all sold out and then we got Stanford Connecticut that's fun and Providence I think they're I think they're all sold out so we'll add a late Thursday in Providence and then taping a special in Tampa February 27th. Oh, wow. And we just added 26, so I'm going to do three shows. Whoa! But I'm not adding a fourth, so get on that third show. It's at 8.30. There's not even an option to add a fourth. I want to get it in three. Tampa Theater, February 26th and 27th. Only the 26th is available, so please buy those tickets at punchup.live slash samorel slash tickets or just go to my website. Get yourself a blue tick coonhound and check out Madigan on the road. Get some Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat. We're now, we're doing, we're making, I just dropped the bottle off at Bala Boosta on Hudson Street in the village. So hopefully we get in there. Bala Boosta. Hopefully we're in at Analog soon. We're in at Martuzzi Strip House Comedy. So all over the country, too. So please get on Bodega Cat Instagram message, Bodega Cat Whiskey. So you're taping a special. When was the last one you did? Uh-oh. A couple years. All right. Two years. That's fair. That's fair. That should be fine. Yep. Yeah, I think it's going to be good. It's going to be fine. It'll be a fine special It's not weird, it's fine No, two years is alright I feel pretty good I think I got some good bits in there There you go, I hope so Don't close with that same one that man hates I am I am Fuck you dude, I'm closing on that bit Eat shit I'm so disappointed Thank you Kelly Sunday's the day for my next offender a bit of Piva wreck you know the future's close I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post and I get down in the same way up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman Doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true