Tantric Transformation w/ Emma Galland | Szn. 4 Ep. 8

Hi, it's Dr. Jen Kennedy. I'm a sexologist and couples therapist. The Pleasure Project podcast is about sex and relationships. So this includes discussions on desire, dysfunction, dissatisfaction, exploration of all things sex related. So sometimes I'll do toy reviews and we'll look at trends and sometimes I'll also enlist other experts. We'll increase your insight and enhance your pleasure. So tune in. What if the key to better sex wasn't more tricks or novelty, but slowing down, tuning in and actually being in your body? I'm Dr. Jen Kennedy. And in this episode of Pleasure Project, we explore how tantric can help modern couples rekindle their spark through presence, energy, and devotion. My guest is Emma Galland, a tantric holistic sex coach with decades of experience helping men deepen their erotic lives. Together, we talk about what it really means for men to be present in their bodies, how to elongate pleasure and performance, and even how to access multiple orgasms without focusing on performance. We dig into how these skills can help men attune more deeply to their partners, cultivate lasting satisfaction, and keep their erotic energy thriving well into their settings. Listen now and hear how ancient tantric practices can transform modern intimacy. All right, welcome back. Today we're exploring how tantra can help modern couples rekindle their spark, not through tricks or novelty, but through presence, energy, and devotion. To help us dive in, I'm joined by Emma Galland, a tantric and holistic sex coach and somatic guide who helps single and partnered men have more and better sex, and to channel that erotic energy into creating the lives and relationships they truly desire. Through her year-long program, The Warrior's Calling, Emma guides men through the four seasons of their sexual energy, teaching them to master desire, need to love, and reclaim masculine presence without shame or performance. She's also the creator of the Virility Method, which blends modern nutrition and lifestyle strategies with ancient tantric wisdom to help men naturally overcome challenges like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and porn addiction. So welcome. Thank you, Jen. What a pleasure to be here with you. Thank you. Yeah, I've been watching you on Instagram and I've been very curious. I think we have definitely some overlap. And I think that a lot of the men that I work with who are having some challenges in the sexual department are going to sit up and be very curious about our conversation today. Tantra has come up, you know, intermittently in my work. And so I'm really, really excited to talk to you today about how that fits into the overall wellness and strategies for addressing these concerns. So yeah, welcome. Thank you. So first off, tell us just sort of in a broader stroke, like what is Tantra? Like what is the history and what is it? Well, Tantra is about 5,000 years old. It's a framework to help humans evolve, grow into fully self-realized beings. so it's not just about tantric sex it's just a way to live it's philosophies and beliefs and practices and just a way to live your life in a way that will enable you to get to know yourself better and just live better more in alignment with who you are a better life and there are core philosophies in tantra one that i spent a lot of time focusing on because it's the basis is presence. So when we think about the framework overall, it has multiple families and branches. But if we're looking at the progression of getting to know yourself and be better at sex and better at life, it always starts with the physical realm. So having a healthy body and knowing your body and how to nurture your body. And once your body is healthy and it's sensitive, you're attuned to your senses and you're present in your here and now in your body then that's the gateway to go in and connect with your emotional realm your mental realm spirit and so tantric sex is the same thing to have when we look so then tantric sex is it's a branch of tantra you have you can look at tantric sex for better sex or sacred sex is what we say so learning tools and techniques to be more present in your body in your pleasure have expensive pleasure and therefore having better sex better connection with yourself which enables you to connect better with someone but it can also as you do have better and better sex we all have had these experiences in our life when we've had this mind-blowing sexual experience that really felt like we met god in sex and that sacred sex is when suddenly you feel spiritually alive and connected to your partner to your life everything makes sense you have this calling you know what to do on the outside of the bedroom because the sex has been so opening and integrating that's sacred sex and so sex becomes and cultivating your body and your sexuality through self-pleasure, which I'm sure we'll talk about, but cultivating sex in order to reach those altered states of spiritual awakening. That's the tantric sex, sacred sex branch, if you'd like. That makes so much sense, right? It's like we know that for all the craziness that we have going out there, but when we're in the here and now, when we're in our bodies, when we're in our senses, we feel so much centering and calmness and we can like manage, right? So yeah, bringing in that grounding in the bedroom too. Yeah, as a principal, yeah, that we feel that sacredness. Yeah. How did you, okay, so let's back up a second too. How did you get into this work? So I was a student first for a long time before becoming a professional in this area. So I was a coach before, nutrition, fitness, yoga, but I was a student in Tantra. I started really formally, take my first teachers in 2003, 2004. And then I never stopped. So then every year I would be in training, but I was a participant as a teacher, a student doing practices, learning my own body, attending lectures, having a guru, all of this. And what led me to flip the switch from being a student to being a practitioner is when I separated from my husband, And consciously, we both, we grew together until we wanted different things in lives. And we were able to have the most connecting and deepest intimate conversation of our lives, where we're truly open about who we are and what we want. And can we get this together? And the answer was no. And so, of course, heartbroken, we decided to encompass and stay together and mourn together and support each other through the pain of separation. And in that intimate transition out of a relationship and finding ways to save the love while transitioning into being individuals again, what would that look like? Is when here, really, I decided I needed to take a much deeper dive. And it was so successful. I thought, you know, what if I could have the letters to be able to teach and share and help people through this awakening of who they are and how to navigate it in their lives and their relationships. So that's when I embarked into becoming, you know, the school to become a certified centric sexism and relationship coach. So, you know, I... But this isn't just... Yeah, this isn't just for people going through breakups. This is people kind of at any... You asked me my awakening. So for me, it's my personal... We always do what we do because of our life bringing us where we are or we find a specialty within our field because of something that we live that's true so for me going from being a practitioner to being a teacher is when I realized how much I knew and how well I navigated this because I had done 15 years of tantric sex on myself that I was so awakened and he grew and we grew together to realize we were two different beings from where we started our relationship but so that's that i realized this work works with to this he's my soulmate he will always be and i believe we can have multiple soulmates that's a different conversation but that's because of this work i did and how it's powerful because you can have peace even in the middle of grief and the biggest grief and the biggest heartbreak you can actually have a peaceful transition and feel so full of love in the middle of the biggest grief. So this is what Tantra helped me do. And why do you think that couples or men, you know, it sounds like you mostly work with men, but why do you see people drawn to Tantra now? So I think because overall, generally speaking, as a society we're involved to be more and more able to have conversation around sex and it's less and less taboo. so when you're looking and we're getting to the point where people would invest in their sexuality and learning about sex going not just in times of crisis but also in times of just betterment so there's a trend i think and when you look at what are the frameworks that can help us discover sex tantra and taoism which i'm both versed in in both lineage are i've been there for thousands of years, Taoism 2000, Tantra 5000, and they're still in practice. So I think that's why people are interested and there's more and more, I think, practitioners in the Western world before it was very much esoteric Eastern practice. Now I think there's more people here. And what's interesting is people come to me initially wanting to be better at sex, lasting longer so more from a performance standpoint yeah that's where they start but when they start doing the work it shifts because presence is the exact opposite of performance and you cannot be more performant unless you're present so in order to get more performance you have to meet presence but once you meet presence everything else changes and so it becomes about quality instead of like quantity right it's like instead of like just having it be like the best it's actually like just this amazing experience this amazing experience and communications improvement with your partner and discovering what your body truly is capable of and i think that's the fascinating thing with men is i love working with men everything men do it's out of love everything. They work hard for their family to provide, to protect, to love better. Like everything, it's always for love. We forget this. You know, we're very quick to judge and emasculate men. They do everything out of love. And even investing in tantra, it's to last longer in bed for their partner. So there is a selflessness in where men engage in life and in bed. But it puts so much pressure on them that the men I work with don't know what their body's capable of. And men are capable of having multiple orgasms without ejaculation. You can have 10 full-body orgasms in an hour without spilling a drop of semen. They don't understand it. They haven't known that. You can have a knee orgasm as a man. You can have a full-body orgasm, breast orgasm, a variety of orgasm and pleasure capacity that has only been understood that women are complicated, have so many ways of having pleasure. Men are just as multi-orgasmic and diverse in their experience of pleasure, but they don't know that. And so when you start doing the work to last longer, you actually have to get into that other work of working with your sexual energy, moving your pleasure in different places of your body so it doesn't come out. So there's weight. And suddenly the whole body leads up. Imagine if your entire body felt as sensitive as a penis, the head of a penis. Right? And so that's when you start doing the work, that's what's happening. So then you really realize that men and women are really just a mirror to each other. And they're able to have the same experience in love and in sex. Right. I mean we know as women we can definitely have multiple orgasms Yes Right And each one actually the first one seems to be the hardest to reach but then the subsequent ones are much easier Yes So if men can do that too like with some practice and some guidance wow Okay. Yes. That's definitely a feeling. And they'll feel different. You can have a prostate orgasm. You can have, you know, just the tip of the penis orgasm or like testicular orgasm, but you can have chest orgasm. It doesn't matter. an orgasm is um it's basically an explosion it's an energy expansion and so the definition for orgasm in tantra is there's an expansion of pleasure so pleasure and an expansion of pleasure and there's a mind state a mind shift so if you can think because when women's body let's speak about a woman's body you can have a cervical orgasm and those are mind-blowing like you really feel like you've seen some. Yes, muscle spasm, but also there's an alter in your brain. There's a shift in your brain, as you know, doctor. But men can have the same thing. So pleasure, expression of pleasure, dose contraction, and then a mindset shift. But you can have those tingling in your head everywhere. You can have a tingle in your chest. You can have that expansion of pleasure and an explosion in the chest, not in the penis. So your ejaculation isn't coming out. So there's a lot of different ways. And I wanted to say what's interesting is most men don't know that the orgasm happened before ejaculation. So just a brief second before you actually have the prostate contractions and then you have the semen, you know, release. But you don't have to have the semen release. So being able to feel those subtleties is where the training of presence is coming. if I'm not present enough to what's happening in my body, I'll go from zero to 10, 10 being ejaculation. But if I'm starting to be really present, time slows down. For anybody doing meditation, they'll understand that. And you're able to perceive the subtle. So you can feel you 1, 2, 3, 4, 9.1, 9.2. And then you can stop at 9.6 where you have the orgasm and stay at that threshold and back out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I know the edging, you know, the sort of like teaching and the slowing down, and it requires a lot more presence and management of self and breathing and all of that. And it's tough because most of the time they don't want to do it. But that's interesting. Yeah, I know a lot of guys are like, wait a second, really? Can I do this? So now, why do you choose to work with men specifically and not women well so i think they chose to work with me also i find like in my career clients choose us because of the message that we have i think i'm i work with men because i understand what they're going through and i i lead with compassion and space holding i don't teach a man how to be a man i don't know what man they should be there no but i'm able to create a space where I'm mirroring. And I believe that the feminine and the divine feminine is here to help men rise and invite them to feel. And because I'm very comfortable in discomfort. So I can really hold space, space and nurturing for men to be very awkwardly uncomfortable in work and feeling actually good, being uncomfortable. And so that ability to hold space I'm not emasculating, not talk back, not saying I know what they're going through, which I don't. I understand because I listened and I can mirror. So I think there's this personality. It's just witnessing, right? You're witnessing them in a very vulnerable moment, but they need to be witnessed and they need to sort it through. And they need some input about what is happening and what needs to happen next. I mean, that's kind of what I do too. you're an absolutely doctor yes yeah right and that's how you help them change or improve or or even right just accept what has happened especially as they age and their body changes it's like how does this how do i how do i integrate maybe this is just my new functioning yes yeah but i i would even say and i think that's part of the reason why maybe men are drawn to this work it's because and as you know doctor that what happens when we age is not a factor of aging it's simply a factor of accumulation of years of neglect or years of toxins that have accumulated but if you work with your body you can actually have your best sex life at 70 year old so I'll give you an example I love working with older men specifically men who are 60, 70 I haven't had an 80-year-old man now. Somebody's interested in experiencing sex at 80. Let me know. But I work a lot with 50, 60, and 70. And I would say half my clients are towards late 60s and 70s. And this man that I'm thinking about right now, 76 years old, and his wife is 73. And they haven't had intercourse in about 20 years. He's an athlete. So he gets, you know, that physical release through running track and field and coaching track and field. But he reached out because he wanted to have more endurance in the bedroom. He could only do like 30 minutes and things like that, which is, by the way, 30 minutes is Rolls-Royce level in our world, where, as you know, the average is a lot less than that. But I was telling him for a woman to have a cervical orgasm, you need to last 60 minutes of steady penetration because it needs that much time for the cervix and the skin, all of it to be de-armor. And so 60 minutes is a quickie. Two, three hours once a week would be great. And so he, in one month, we went from 30 minutes to an hour and then a hour and a half, two hours. And he just emailed me yesterday and his wife didn't want sex. So she was over and now she's initiating. They're having sex four or five times a week, two to three hours a time. He just retired. She's soon going to be retired. So they have a bit more time to do that. But their sex is expensive. And last weekend, just to give you, he says, this is the best sex of my life. Even in my 20s and 30s, I didn't have sex of this quality. And so he ran Struck and Fionn. Last weekend, they went somewhere else. They traveled for this event. And Friday, he said, let's have, she wanted to have sex at the event on Saturday. Let's do, but I will not ejaculate. Okay. So they had three hours sex in the hotel room. Then they went for dinner, did not ejaculate, then went back, slept. He did his event along his track and field event, like running, took a medal for this, right after went for brunch and then had sex for three hours after an event. Then they just took a shower, went around, visited the town, met friends for dinner. And then they came back to the hotel and then another two to three hours of sex. He said it was incredible. And so I want to show this. She doesn't take any lubrication either. So she is wet, wet, wet, zero lubrication. And he is incredibly... I was going to say, like, how does she handle two to three hours without getting... lots of chafing she is wet wet wet she's even able to ejaculate which she has never been done able to do before so what is fascinating is yes it's incredible and i have to tell you i'm 49 so i should be getting into this area i don't yet have any perimenopausal symptoms but i really think it's because of the way my sexuality is and of course diet and all this you know that doctor You cannot be having a healthy body if you're on a junk lifestyle and diet. But when you do tantric sex, it's slow sex. And it's a sex about feeling rather than it's not stimulation and friction. It's feeling of a friction. So it's slow. It's slow motion. So you have the time for the skin and the body to open up. and so um we're not looking at three hours of jackhammer style of making because that would be chafing yeah and the problem generally is that then the penis would be too hot and the vagina would dry out so sex is sustainable when a man is able to temper his heat until she's wet wet wet And what keeps a man going for longer, if he's able to last 45 minutes, let's say, minimum, if he's able to pace himself to get there, she will open up and be wet and her water will cool him off. And then it's a dance. It's a dance of really being able to feel each other. When you feel as a man, you're going a little bit ahead of her. You'll feel it because she'll start tensing and drying out. And so it's about pulling yourself back and even staying immobile. That was actually a really amazing realization for many of the men. Many men are afraid of not moving because they're afraid of losing their erection. And they think that it's stimulation that makes them hard, but it's not. And in fact, you can enter a woman with a flaccid penis. For men who have erectile dysfunction, there's a method in Tantra, which is, you know, feeding a flaccid penis into a woman's vagina and waiting that the polarity, energetic polarity, masculine family, almost like a battery. does energy exchange between the genital and a spontaneous erection would happen. So if you're feeling you're going ahead, simply pause. If your erection becomes softer, no worries. Just stay there. It will come back up. I promise you. But what happens in that moment is that her tensed up vagina because it's starting to armor itself, preventing from future harm. If it keeps going this way, well, now relax again, become porous. the breath works, would bring oxygen and blood flow into the area and she'll start being wet. So actually the lack of friction makes a woman wetter. Once she's wet, wet, wet, you can start moving and you're going to basically modulate based on temperature, based on sensations. So it's, and you can only do this if you're present. Yep. And it's, that is so true, right it makes sense because and it's not just what's happening there it's the whole body communication right it's correct and it's the mind body connection because if you're not having anxiety because of what's happening you know and i've had this conversation before with many clients you know if the erection is departing it's okay just stay present with it and you still have feeling right a flaccid penis still has plenty of sensory feeling it feels good it just it's just don't let your ego get in the way right and so stay present stay connected you know stay body to body or whatever and and don't get psyched out just stay in contact and it it'll come back or it won't or whatever it doesn't matter right stay stay in the game yeah i love that doctor that the flaccid penis is still a very potent penis sensory wise and i would like to even say And that's one of the thing is in our society, we think that a hard penis is a better penis than a soft penis. In Tantra, it doesn't matter whether your heart is soft. The penis is still an extremely powerful penis. You do not lose your power or gain power based on your erection levels. So energetically. So that's one thing I want to actually maybe to help people understand. there's the physical realm and the energetic realm women have an easier way to understand this but it's the same for men a woman's orgasm is both a physical orgasm but also an energetic orgasm which is why it can be full-bodied so you can energy orgasm is so powerful that you can have an orgasm without stimulation so you could have just through breath work and breathing into your cervix as a woman with training i loved going to tantra school i can tell you doctor i highly recommend it homework have a cervical orgasm without that happened to me on the q train over the brooklyn in the train sitting doing my breath work and this happened i had a realization this is what an energetic orgasm here but man it's the same thing your penis you can have a physical organ, but also an energetic orgasm through breast work. You can awaken your penis and have an erection or have an orgasm, a prostate orgasm, a breastgasm, a braingasm without having a penis fully erect. So the breast is so alive and livens and creates pleasure But in order to work on this you need the sensitivity So for men to have more stamina, they need to first cultivate sensitivity. And a lot of men will say, hold on, I come too quick because I'm too sensitive. Actually, you're not sensitive enough. That's why you come too quick. you feel a lot but if you felt deeper you would know when you're close and you would not go near where where you don't have the ability to so when you learn how to be really sensitive just a little bit of an inhale in your testicles and you'll start feeling tingling in your testicles that's what i'm talking about so training yourself to do this will make you more sensitive more present and able to have energetic orgasm and physical orgasm and therefore see how powerful and amazing your penis is regardless of its state of erection. And what's fascinating, so to name another of my client from Italy, this man who said, I tried, Emma, don't move inside your wife and see what happens. And he said, and I felt my erection go back down, disappear a little bit. And I felt my ego come into panic. and I just stayed there trusting what you said I'd give it a try we both breathed looking to each other's eyes said sweet things and suddenly my penis came back up and she had an orgasm from it she loved feeling my penis change shape and what happens when you no longer let your brain rule the show is that your genitals will start talking to each other so your penis and your vagina are sentient in the tantric realm they are intelligent do you know how to make babies no your organs know okay your body knows how to make babies right you don't have to just figure it out with your brain it's innate so same for pleasure your bodies are wired your genitals are wired for pleasure if you relax create an amazing environment to connect physically and be curious and see what's there, your genitals will start communicating, exchanging energy. And then just a little subtle movement will bring a huge amount of pleasure. While a lot of movement, repetitive friction will actually desensitize you, which is why men in corn are actually very desensitized. Right. because it habituates the body to this excessive repetitive yeah that and also because porn is brain sex so you actually not embody you don't really feel your penis you feel the excitement of looking but your attention is externalized yeah tantric sex is internalized attention so can you really feel if you are moving your hand can you really feel your hands at the base of the shaft in the middle it's the left side more sensitive than the right side all these little details are lost when you look up in fact to feel your body you have to stroke harder because you're distracted but once you remove the distraction and you bring yourself in which is which sidebar but tantric sex is meditative sex it's basically absolutely sex as meditation and it's really hard to do anybody has tried meditation you're trying to meditate and you get there and it's like trying to make so it's the same like bringing the mind back over and over right exactly back to the present moment yeah so self-pleasure or masturbation is this in tantric says it's come back to the pleasure come back to the breath come back to the penis it's a lot more fun to focus masturbation on meditation in sex rather than meditation looking at a candle burning in front of you but it's the same process it's inward attention yeah well and so let's talk about like masturbation because oftentimes I think most of us like plug and play like we we grab a previous memory or think about you know somebody else or something it's not about just being in the moment with self right and again tantra like invites that yes that experience of just and when I work with people who've had issues with compulsivity really we are asking them not to go back and not to you know fantasize other but really just be with the body and that is such a big ask it's really hard to do that yeah it's very hard to do that boredom be with the sensation yes it's very hard and so the key is like everything it starts small five minutes and then 10 minutes the key is how long can i keep my attention on me and also have an intention so So let's talk about the tools of Dantric Sex or the frameworks. Okay, so real quick, hold on. We're going to take a quick break. Yes, let's do that. And we're going to come right back and jump into that. A quick pause here to share something that I've been working on that I think you will really appreciate, especially if you've ever felt confused or disconnected from your sexual desire. It's a self-paced course that I created for women who want a better understanding of their sexual desire, especially if it's felt confusing, inconsistent, or hard to access. A lot of us are taught that desire should just be there, effortless, spontaneous, always on, but that is not the reality for most people. And when it's not, it can leave you feeling frustrated or like something is wrong with you. If you've ever felt turned on one day and completely disconnected the next, or if you've struggled to say what you really want sexually, if you're both excited by the idea of vibrant sex and hesitant about what that even looks like, this course is for you. Desire is complex. It lives in your brain just as much as your body. And in this course, I guide you through the understanding of your unique relationship to it without pressure, shame, or performance. You'll get short videos and guided worksheets to help you map out your personal erotic template, identify what turns you on and off and what shuts you down, understand the blocks might be getting in your way, reconnect with your body, and you'll explore your sexual self with more confidence and curiosity. You can go at your own pace. You don't need to want more sex. You just need to want to know yourself better. So if this resonates, then head on over to pleasureproject.us and learn more and enroll in the course. Now back to the episode. Tell us about the rules of tantric sex as it Centric sex is about self-realization of who you are. So the way you do sex is for getting to know yourself better or whatever goal you have, you set that intention. And when you verbalize what you want, so maybe you can say, I want to be able to be present with myself for longer, for 30 minutes today. I want to be able to feel more pleasure all over my pelvis today. Or I want to feel connected to my heart and this feeling of love when I self-published. whatever that intention is. Okay? You set the intention because you tell your subconscious that this is what we want and the body will show you and that's a somatic aspect. The body will give you what you need in order to realize that intention. And you always start with breath work towards the area of your genitals just to awaken and then feel for body sensations. You do body scan. I'm just self-feeling what do I feel in my testicles what do I feel my lower belly what do I feel in my legs what do I feel my toes any sensation you feel because when you text you out of your head the key for successful solo masturbation is to be in the body so if you try to focus on what you feel in your body will help you so as you self-pleasure speak out loud reconciling left brain and right brain I feel a tingling in my left testicles I feel warmth in my tailbone I feel a feeling of expansion in my lower belly. So you start stroking and pleasuring and you tell what you feel, right? It keeps you in the sensation because if you go silent, next thing you know, you're thinking about the pretty girl, you're scrolling on your phone, or you're just bored and falling asleep in your bed. So come back to this and amplify the breath. Then you can play with deeper breath work, different types of breath work. You can play with sound. you can play with movement let's say you decide to do a particular stroke maybe up and down up and down but more on the left or squeezing like this whatever it is do this but now inhale on the way up exhale and sound on the way down inhale on the way up exhale and sound on the way down or rock your hips side to side you know laying on the bed knees bent and what if i was rocking my hips and you're going to start again, focus on sensations. Oh, when I rock my hips, I can start feeling the feeling of heat go from my left glutes to my right glutes. Oh, I can feel little butterfly in my lower belly. So you start expanding pleasure, create more and more pleasure, but in a conscious way. And what happens is you build capacity to hold more sensations. The goal is if you want to live a full life, because that's the goal of Tantra, You have to be able to have a nervous system that can welcome bigger emotions, bigger sensations. You want more joy? Build capacity for more grief, more fear, more sensations, more whatever. And so your masturbation practice and ability to be a marathon lover is that you have in your nervous system, train yourself to feel more and more and bigger sensation over time, increasing your window of tolerance. And it all started with our intention. This is my intention today. I want to feel more pleasure. Or I would love to have a multi, become a multi-orgasmic man. So that's your intention, right? It might take you maybe two months. But this is the intention you bring every time you do your practice. And then multi-orgasmic means I need to use my breath, I need to use my sun, and I need to move differently, and I need to feel different. And more and more and more going from cool training to hot training. Cool training is lukewarm, turn on. Hot training is like you're close to the brink here. And so this is what you do. And now in no time, your 30 minutes have gone by, right? And that's how you get to become an hour, two hour, three hours, because you're so much in your pleasure and you're solo. Like imagine with someone. So typically they're working on this solo first because they're having to manage their own system, manage their body, they're reading their own system first and then they're applying this more to partner experiences. It's also, as you know, you were mentioning mind-body connection. A man who comes too quickly doesn't have yet the neural pathway, brain to penis for certain types of pleasure or sensations. When I tell a man, breathe inside your penis, what do you mean? Like my lungs don't go to my penis. So now they don't. Physically, but energetically, you can move the sensation of breath and expansion of breath in your penis. But to feel this, it will take repetition. So I coach fitness. So it's the same thing, right? If you're going to learn a new movement, a new type of squat you've never done before, you don't have the neural pathway for that one. So you're going to have to really apply yourself, go slower, repeat, have a coach looking at, you know, feet more like this, this, like that, lower, you're not low enough, whatever. And it will feel weird, right? You won't feel much at first. It makes sense though. It all makes sense though because I'm thinking about two things. One is getting a massage and my masseuse over and over telling me breathe because as I breathe and he pushes deeper, it releases. and number two being at the gynecologist and her you know telling me to breathe because if she's going to put that specula in me and if I breathe it changes right I need to so obviously there's a there's a interaction between muscle and breath and so same thing you saying breathe into the penis of course right like there's a relationship between breath work and any sort of muscular holding in the body, including the penis. So you do build those neural pathways so that when you raise a partner you don't forget yourself. So one of the men that I was coaching this morning he said, okay, when I'm on my own and I do your work, I can last 30 minutes during my practice, but as soon as my girlfriend sits on top of me, I'm done. It goes out the window And I asking him why is it And And it because he in his head I mean he in eyes He just looking at her bouncing on top of him And it's very stimulating. But in that moment, he forgot what he felt down there. You see? So I was guiding him this morning. I said, let's do this. So I guided him through a self-pleasure practice. And I asked him halfway through when he was relaxed. could feel his body i can feel my breath i can feel my paragraph right now visualize your girlfriend here and as you really visualize or visualize a body part that gets you very turned on can you continue breathing in and breathing out and breathing in and breathing out so 50 of your awareness is on the sensations and 50 is on her and visualize as you are self-pleasuring or as you're making love with her, that you're actually absorbing that pleasure. You're stoking that fire as opposed to wanting to spit it out. You're absorbing her and you're exchanging, right? So you're building your capacity. If you forget yourself, you'll never be. So the self-cultivation is being able to feel yourself wherever you are. And one of the training that I love doing in the warrior school. And what you just said, though, is so important because it's also like the goal isn't to finish. The goal is to be in the experience, right? The journey is the destination, right? It's the experience that is so valuable. And so it's not rushing towards the end. It's being in the moment and enjoying it. That is the gold. Yeah. Yes. And actually, let's go even further in that very, very good point you're making. I asked men what it is that they're really looking for when they're having sex. They're not looking for education. They're looking to be based in love. They're looking to be based in the love of a woman, the acceptance of a woman, being basically absorbed and eaten alive by a woman. That's the physicality. They want to be like just penetrating inside her heart and they want to feel wrapped around by the love of her heart. that's what they really want and the way to get there so let's talk energetically speaking at first you'll be a man turns on from the inside out meaning your penis is ready now a woman it's from the outside in the environment the soul the heart all of this needs to be turned on for then her genitals to be ready right so you're going in opposite if you're able to last for 45 minutes then she'll take over meaning she'll open up and she'll swallow you in her love and her and that's the beautiful thing because you're going to see her all her admiration her surrender her complete trust takes a lot of trust for a woman to open cervically she needs to trust you'll be here and you're going to hold her when her heart cracks open because it's an emotional experience. And if you just disappear and you finish, disappearing meaning you finish before she's done, while she's just opening up, if you stay here, then you just have cross control after that because she'll be the one taking over. She'll be here pacing you, taking you on a journey and you lose track of time. So you can stay in that love bathing, that deeply nurturing at the tissue level, sexual experience, and you don't have to lead from here. You have to control your turn on, be there and then let her take over so you can receive. You give up for 45 minutes more. I mean, it's an exchange still. But after that, it will be 10 times what you've put in coming from her. Because there's no end for her. You can be on for, are you up for 14 hours? The whole night? seriously at cool temperature you can so that wanting to feel admired received accepted and so much of that later is really about that right it's not about the singular like orgasmic moment it's about are you with me like right it's about being being attended to it's about the energetic exchange. It's about that feeling of togetherness and connection. So yeah. And I think you're right in terms of the way it does flow. And so once she feels that connection and that opening, then it does move that way. So yeah, I love that. That's so nice. It's so juicy. And the thing is, the beauty about this is that you don't have to be in a long-term relationship to have to cultivate this it could even be if you're a young man dating right now you're experiencing and don't have a girlfriend it could even be a white knight stand this is works for all the time if you cultivate yourself and you're really into yourself and you feel yourself you'll be able to feel her you can only love or feel someone as deeply as you've met yourself in love and in sensations right if you don't feel your emotions or there's like you can't go certain places or you're not vulnerable enough, she won't feel safe to be vulnerable with you. But you could have this amazing one-night stand experience whereby you're really connected. In the moment, there's this deep connection and you're present and she's present and you can go all the way into exchanging energetic love with each other. Absolutely. And come out of this in better health, feeling amazing, having built an amazing connection, even if you never meet each other again. So it's just a way of going about doing sex. It's so true. It's like, and we know this, even when we meet a stranger, you know, say you stop at a store and you have this exchange with a cashier and they meet your eyes and they're kind and they're generous in their exchange. Like we know energetically when we have an exchange with someone who is available for that type of like loving, emotionally present versus like closed and like quick and, you know, and so. Yes. It's interesting, right? When someone is, their heart is open, they're confident in themselves, they're present, they're generous. It feels very different and it leaves a different impression. And so, yeah, absolutely. Sex can be that too. when it can be so gratifying. And it can be that in a one-night stand. Yeah. Yes. So one thing that's interesting about the heart, let's talk about the heart here. So in tantra and in dao, when we look at the body, a vagina is a negative pole and a penis is a positively charged pole. The heart is positively charged for a woman and negatively charged for a man, meaning women are the aggressor, let's put aggressor, the penetrator from the heart. Our heart can really penetrate the man's heart. And that's its goal. We open man's heart with our heart. Men with their positively charged penis opens a woman's vagina. That's their job. It's to open up. So I'd like you even to think about your penis as a massager. You massage her open. Would you massage yourself like that when you go at the massage therapist? Or would you like this? Right? So if you think about, right? And the same for women, we can learn about how to be with men and message their heart open. But the reason why men want sex is because they want love. They want their heart to be open, but they can't open it now because they're not safe. It's through sex that their heart opens, which is why when a woman denies sex to a man, he feels rejected and unloved. that may shock a lot of women hearing this but when you say not tonight darling it's rejection of the worst kind it's the worst rejection you could give a man because it feels unloved he's asking for sex is asking for love really truly it's hard to comprehend that well for us we don't function that way there's other ways that you can show love if you don't want to have sex that night but you could very much do something that's sensual or sexual, but I want you to say this. So the way men can have the connection with us, it won't be through their heart at first. Let's take the cashier. It would be eye gazing, meaning I have an eyes connection and I see you. But I'm not opening my heart, but I see you. I hear you. And that is enough of an entry point to create that connection. And then through sex, there'll be that heart opening that follows. And yesterday, it's so funny, I created, yesterday I led my very first speed dating event. Never started a speed dating, but I called it soul gazing, slow dating. So it was a speed dating event in New York City where no one was allowed to talk. I mean, you're not allowed to explain your resume and try to perform and be impressive and just no one knew what you were doing, how much you were making, where you leave nothing. two strangers eye gazing for a minute and a half and then person with their short hair tells person with their long hair first when i saw you i felt and all you're allowed to say is what looking at this person i made you feel inside and then you switch and then you change for the next person that's it so i did it for two hours so you had a lot of people to eye gaze and I even had men eye gaze with men because we had a slight, uneven number of men, women. And I realized that eye connection should not be just a men, women, of course, dating that would be. But here, the practices of a man being able to hold another king, another brother in his safe space is something we don't do either. Sure. And it was within six inches of each other. Like you're standing in front of each other and you're gazing in the eye of a man you've never met before. Meanwhile, you're here at a speed dating event to try to get the prettiest girl. Okay. Can you imagine? That is the setup. This was, I was, I grew as a teacher through this because it was a bet and it worked. In fact, that every man felt very uncomfortable, but at the same time, because they learned the technique, they realized that actually true man is a man who is a lover and protector of other men as well children and women and one man reflected you know if we were at war defending the clan this man would be my closest brother but in peace yeah there's this discomfort to conditioning but they practice being able to hold the gaze you need that a job interview you need that anywhere anytime right yes so i wanted to say that you and every woman who was here would have said yes to any of the men for dating i would have to so i i i guess with everyone because i wanted to feel their energy well it breaks down the barriers right to be able to like hold that and we don't do that as a society it's it's so it's such a different practice so i love that you did that that's incredible That was really great. Well, tell us what else do you have going on? Like where else can, I know you're based in New York now. Yes, I'm based in New York. Where can people find you online or in person? Online. So primarily on Instagram or on my online group programs. You can find that on my website. And then I'm going to start more and more organizing group events for couples and then for men. And I'm really passionate about helping men and women relate differently. So if you have even a facility or you want me to organize a workshop, let me know. But New York is where you'll find me mostly in person. All right. Okay. Well, so we'll put this in the show notes, but you're available on Instagram at Tantric Awakenings and your website, tantric-awakenings.com. Yeah. So thank you so much. I have learned a lot and I really appreciate all that you've given us today. So thank you so much. Really appreciate you. Thank you. Hey, it's Dr. Jen. Thanks so much for tuning in. Please leave us a review and leave a comment if something struck you. We'd love to get the feedback. It really helps the podcast. And if you want to reach me, go ahead and direct message me on Instagram, or you can reach me at Jen at Riviera therapy.com. Thanks. We'll see you next week.