428: Monkey King: The Pride

This week, on Myths and Legends, we're back in the stories of the Monkey King. And we'll learn that if your jacked and oiled sons only think about martial arts, maybe don't let them make friends with a supernatural monkey. That'll just encourage them. Also, you'll see why you should microchip your pets. Because they might start a gang and terrorize the countryside. The creature this time is an unwelcome lizard man, who's the reason we all die. And that's also probably why he's not very welcome. This is Myths and Legends, episode 428, The Pride. This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. We're back in the stories of the Monkey King. No worries if you haven't heard the other ones, they're really fun and episodic. Basically, a monk in medieval China, named Xuanzang, was tasked with retrieving some holy scriptures, and heaven saw fit to give him some bodyguards in the form of supernatural monsters trying to redeem themselves, the most famous of which is the Monkey King, Sun Wukong, a monkey with seemingly countless powers who was imprisoned under a mountain for hundreds of years. He fights with a rod that can grow and shrink. Next up is Pigsy, a stinky pigman who does not value intelligence or hard work, and who fights with a muckrake. Then there's Sandy, a dour, indigo-colored sandman, who fights with a staff. Their horse is a dragon, who never leaves the form of their horse. We'll jump in with monkeys seeking out some help in the heavens, and dropping by an old friend, asking for some rain. Okay, BHP, you know how this works. I can't put through the order for rain until the hold gets lifted. You gotta take this to the Jade Emperor. The Dragon King sat back on his throne, as the Monkey King, Sun Wukong, stood before him. A very punctual fish rushed forward to fill his goblet. sloshing most of the liquid on the floor because it's a fish. Right, but I thought you were the dragon king of the eastern ocean, not the dragon errand boy of also the eastern ocean. That part doesn't change, I guess. Hmm, nice try. But not everyone wants to end up under a mountain for 500 years for defying heaven. The dragon king of the eastern ocean picked his teeth. I just came from the Phoenix Immortal Prefecture. The city has been devastated by starvation because it hasn't rained in three years. Are you telling me that punishing a prefect for something he didn't even remember is more important than human lives? Monkey pleaded. The Dragon King replied that it's not something he said. Heaven said it. The Jade Emperor said it. Fine. Then I'll just have to take it up with the Jade Emperor, Monkey said, and called up a cloud. Literally what I've been telling you to do the whole time, the Dragon King yelled as Monkey flew off. You're welcome for the magical rod, by the way. It's bad. It's Noodle Pug Bad. Monkey touched down on Earth. He squinted at Pigsy, Sandy, and Yulong the Dragon Horse? All shoulder to shoulder to haunches, forming a triangle around Xuanzong, the Tang Monk, who, with just one bite of his flesh, would grant near immortality to any monster or demon or anyone else willing to kill a monk and consume his flesh. Which, if that's you, you might want to check out where you're falling on the old alignment chart, because you're in good company with monsters and demons. Higzi, Sandy, and Yulong were taking their job of guarding Xuanzang seriously, because every time he got kidnapped, it added another week to their journey and a lot of fighting. Monkey sat down to resume the vegetarian feast the prefect had laid out for them, and told them the bad news, where a pug eating an actual mountain of noodles was just the start. Because of a sin in Prefect Shangguan's past, he now had to wait for three things to take place. A tiny pug eating a mountain of noodles. A supernatural pug? Pigsy asked. Please save all questions for the end, especially bad ones, Monkey said. But no, a normal pug eating as much as it could, sleeping, running around, and then eating more. It wasn't just the pug, though. A tiny chicken pecked at a mountain of rice, grain by grain. Finally, there was a massive golden lock with a small flame burning through the key. And it's all your fault, Monkey turned to the prefect, who had been just the sweetest to them. What? the prefect asked. Something about dogs and a table of sacrificial offerings? Monkey shrugged. They said the prefect would know what he was talking about. The prefect was catatonic, his mouth agape and his eyes bulging. Yeah, I think he knows what they're talking about, Monkey said. Far be it from me, Jason, to impose my values on a story from hundreds of years ago and half a world away. I would never do that. That's terrible. But it seems like a harsh punishment to utterly destroy thousands of lives with starvation because a prefect knocked over a table of sacrificial offerings to gods in anger and then let dogs eat them off the floor. I get it that it would be important to the gods. Also, seems like maybe just punish the prefect for his sin and not so many of his people who had nothing to do with it. Okay, in my defense, the prefect said, my wife made me really mad and that's why I hit the table. That's not a good defense. Even Pigsy pointed out. Monkey said a couple of things worked in the prefect's favor. The pug, chicken, and lock were all running concurrently, so he didn't need to wait for one after the other. Still, everyone would be long dead before that pug finished eating the noodles. Is it cute? Pigsy asked. Pigsy, stop interrupting. Monkey scolded, but yes, that little goober was adorable. The second thing was that it was just more of a timer. Instead of cursing the land forever, the curse would just go until the time ran out. If the prefect didn't repent, of course. repent? the prefect said yeah you know say you're sorry monkey furrowed his furry brow he obviously knew what he did wrong why didn't he say sorry years ago? the prefect swallowed hard okay yeah he understood it's just that he was ashamed he took a deep breath I'm sorry my wife was such an annoying nuisance and made me so angry that she led to me hitting that table and also not wanting to clean it up. The prefect smiled. All right, it's gonna rain now or? Monkey nodded, all right. Standing, he put his hands on the Tang Monks, his master's, Xuanzong's shoulders. This was his department. If he needed a scared straight option, Sandy could get pretty creepy and Pigsy, he looked on the smiling, expectant Pigsy. You're here too. Pigsy wiped his eye. It was one of the nicest things Monkey had ever said to him. I almost wish there was a monster to fight, because teaching his prefect to be less of a complete jerk who masked his self-righteousness in ostentatious charity was a lot more work than rescuing master, Sandy shook his head. Outside, a montage of starving people praying, doing good works, and making sacrifices, led by the prefect reciting Buddhist and Taoist scriptures to help to zero out the balance of the pug and chicken and lock. I actually don't know, Monkey said. They changed a whole town here, rescued hundreds, thousands, all without even picking up a weapon. It felt good. No, I'm with Sandy, I'm bored, Pigsy said. as the first peal of thunder shook the town. Cheers went up as the people looked to the sky and saw the darkening clouds and, for the first time in three years, felt the droplets of water on their faces. Well, that's it, Monkey said, calling up a cloud. He would go to heaven and confirm everything was copacetic. And it was. The dog and chicken had vanished and the key broke, though Monkey really didn't understand the imagery there. Monkey, or Pilgrim's son, said that there was one more request. Back in the village, not too long after, the people bowed towards the gods, thanking and praising them, vowing respect and sacrifices as Pigsy, Sandy, Monkey, and Schwanzong stood in the doorway to the prefect's home. You, the prefect smiled and hugged Monkey, I'll make sure generations know your name, he said. And it was hard to tell if the water on his face was tears or the rain, which hadn't stopped from the initial downpour. I'll build you a monastery and make statues. I'll make you look super nice too, not all goofy and weird like some statues do. He stopped when he realized Monkey had increased his own size about twofold and now stood glaring down at the prefect. Oh my gosh, dude, do you think that maybe since I cashed in a favor with the gods to have them show up here personally, I don't want to be remembered for saving this place? The prefect, for all of his personal growth, couldn't understand that line of reasoning. He didn't want people to worship him? It was like he was speaking a foreign language. Also, Monkey said, you knew what you did, and you're smart. If I fed sacrifices to dogs and it didn't rain for my people for three years, I'd make the connection, and I bet you did too. You just didn't want to confess until you were confronted, and by doing so, and I've done the math here, you killed more people than most of the demons we fought on this journey. Technically the gods killed them? The prefect raised a finger. Monkey zeroed in. This is medieval China-ish. I think we're in India now, but you get it. I'm an 800-year-old monkey with a magic rod. My friends here are literal monsters, and my master has been reincarnated more than most people can probably count. The gods and their retribution are facts of this world. Blaming the gods is like throwing a hot coal on a hay bale and then blaming the fire for burning down a city. Now if I were you, I'd get out there and join your people. You clearly still need it. The prefect didn't say another word and scurried out to join the supplicants. Silence pervaded the space between the four travelers when Monkey finally broke it. I don't care if they worship me or not, Monkey said. I just wanted to get on the road and a bunch of people bowing on it and blocking our way makes it really hard to do that. Xuanzong, picking up his bag, allowed himself a smile. Summer gave way to fall back on the road, and the gradual fade of the season was the only mark that separated an entire month's worth of days trudging through a forest. They made good progress while the light allowed, stopping before dusk to build a fire and forage, and Xuanzong would instruct them in the flickering light of the fire, before sleep took all but Monkey, who stayed up listening for enemies that never came. All of them, though, were happy to see the walls of another city, looking down on them from the hills ahead. Let's go see what type of people live here, Pigsy said, very much hoping that meant they would also feed him. Oh, we're going to get an introduction in three, two, one. Monkey said, pointing the end of his rod toward the forest. And right at the temple of the elderly man who hobbled out on his bamboo cane. Identify yourself or my rod doesn't stop until it touches the bark of that tree over there. Do you understand? Monkey asked and commanded. The man froze and Xuanzang, frantic at the disrespect Monkey was showing to this elderly man, nearly fell from his horse in an attempt to mend the situation. Monkey, stop, Xuanzang hissed. it's like 85% of the time these guys are demons, and that's on the conservative end, so if he kidnaps you, I hope that they, once again, don't choose to eat you immediately, like they never do for some reason. Monkey lowered his staff. A master who possesses the way, the man blurted, and Xuanzang smiled with a nod. Monkey rolled his eyes, as the elderly man explained that they were in the Jade Flower District of India, and the county magistrate was a member of India's royal family. Not only that, but he paid reverence to both Taoists and Buddhists and loved common people. If the master went to have an audience with him, he would surely honor the monk. Xuanzang thanked the old man and he disappeared back into the forest, despite having a road right there. I'm kind of getting big quest-giver NPC vibes from that little weirdo. What is this, a 90s JRPG where you just walk up to somebody and they give you info? Sun Wukong laughed. Monkey, I don't have any idea what half of those words mean, Xuanzong said, though he was happy to stretch his legs. The pop culture references do get a bit tiresome. Sandy's indigo hand patted Monkey's shoulder. I love them, you're so witty, Pigsy grinned, and Monkey decided to cool it a bit. While behind them, a squirrel on the trail triggered the elderly man stepping out and proclaiming, a master who possesses the way. They hate me. They think I'm gross and hideous. Pigsy paced the room at the inn. Monkey laughed. Well, if that came as a surprise to Pigsy, then he had some bad news about literally everyone else in the world. Monkey, stop it, Schwanzong commanded. This place. They were so scared of his bodyguards slash disciples that they demanded the trio either stay inside or leave town forever. He would go get the travel rescript certified and talk to the magistrate. Really? Monkey asked. The old man said he was a practicing Buddhist. I'll be respected. Xuanzang laughed. Monkey said, oh, okay. And wait, again, where did Master hear that? From an old man. In the woods. One of the most untrustworthy places to hear something. When have you ever been like, oh, let's buy this stock. Where'd you hear about it? From a guy in the woods? Oh, it must be great. Monkey, remember what Sandy said about you being tiresome? You're doing it again. Also, I'm still the leader. I'm going. You're staying. That's that. Shwanzong, the Tang monk, said and left. Monkey, annoyed that he was going to have to save Master's life, but also annoyed at being disrespected, paced the room for nearly an hour until they heard boots pounding below. Here it comes, Monkey said, plucking the rod from behind his ear. They were going to have to fight their way out, which was all the more challenging because Master forbade killing humans. The soldiers coming to arrest them knocked. Hi, we came for the ugly beasts? The trio heard from the other side of the door. Monkey tucked the rod away and went to go open the door. Blood-curdling screams blasted through the inn, and the soldiers kept screaming, as they said they wanted to extend an invitation of dinner with the magistrate to the horrifying monsters. It was another full hour until the trio found themselves walking up to the palace, what with the soldiers fainting not from fright, but because they kept screaming for a full two minutes without taking a breath. One retched the whole way back and the other commandeered some horse blinders explaining that here in the west it was a beautiful blissful region and they weren used to monsters or ugliness of any kind Oh must be nice Monkey rolled his eyes Oh, it is, it's wonderful, thank you for noticing, the soldier said. And here we are. The trio entered the palace to see Xuanzang eating a vegetarian feast with the magistrate, who managed to keep it together as best he could by the look of them, or in Pigsy's case, smell of them. You've been out on the road 14 years now? With them? The magistrate swallowed hard. He hadn't known they were so intense when he agreed to letting them come dine in his hall. As Monkey was wondering if it really had been 14 years, Pigsy was taking the initiative. His master taught him about bowing just a few days prior, and how you should do it. So he did it. This humble cleric salutes you, Pigsy called out. spittle flecking on the magistrate's face before Pigsy's ears flopped in a bow. Monkey had been embarrassed earlier, and mad, and while he usually liked to think he was above petty vengeance, it still felt good to see Master all flustered, dressing down Pigsy after the magistrate excused himself on some pretext. Now, Schwanzang said something that, to my ears, feels a little classist, because it's classist, saying that there are grades of people and Pigsy needed to learn to distinguish himself between the noble and the lowly. Master, why are you calling the magistrate lowly? Pigsy asked and then lit up when he saw the bowl of rice and veggies brought out by the attendant who drew the short straw. After a few more tries, Xuanzang gave up and ate with his pupils. A few minutes later, Monkey sat up straight. What is it, brother? Sandy asked. We are in danger, Monkey stated, before closing his eyes and sniffing the air, but not a lot of danger. I think, okay, think stubbing your toe and then half that. Are you the hideous monsters from the mountain? Come to take over our father's kingdom? Voices yelled from behind them. The travelers turned to see three muscular, oiled princes, obviously straining as they stood, flexing and brandishing their weapons, one of which held a rake, one a staff, and one a rod, mirroring the weapons of the party. Cute weapons? When do your grown-up versions come? Pigsy said, rice tumbling from his snout. Even Monkey chuckled at that one. He didn't want to encourage Pigsy being funny because he was like a five-year-old and would just repeat the same joke for days. But when you hit, you hit. Hi, not to get involved in whatever's happening here, we're just monks passing through and and monkey started, but knew where this would end up. Lies, the middle prince with the rod said, and charged. Sandy and Pigsy unironically showed off their weapons. Pigsy his rake, that, when he waved it, produced 10,000 shafts of golden light, which, yeah, I didn't know it could do that. Maybe we're following Legend of Zelda rules, where if Pigsy is at full health, the rake just shoots beams or something. All those beams did, though, was move the attacker to the point that he didn't dare keep going. Same with Sandy, who spun his staff so that it made a rainbow mist. Monkey, though, surrendered, offering up his own rod. He set it on the floor and the eldest prince sneered before bending down to pick it up and, well, after a minute of trying to lift it, roll it, or even kick it, the prince couldn't do it. You fused it to the floor? the prince swept his hair back over his headband. No, Monkey said, picking up the rod with two fingers, shrinking it, and putting it back behind his ear. Seeing the awe in the prince's face, Monkey told them to follow him, Pigsy, and Sandy to the courtyard. And they put on a show. It sounds fun, the three beings showing off their skills and moves and stances and all the radiant rainbow mist their weapons could make. At the end of it, There were tears in the eyes of the princes. The magistrate rushed out, asking which immortals had come down from on high to grace their district. And the princes said no immortals, just those ugly, horrifying, hideous, repugnant, monstrous, grotesque, revolting travelers who so terrified and disgusted him that he had to leave dinner. Oh, father, if we could learn their skill, we could protect this kingdom. Well, my disciples would love to teach them, Xuanzang piped up. I'm sorry, are you joking, Master? Monkey turned to his master in surprise, who was smiling at the father of the princes. Oh yeah, different grades of people. 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Even if the young man didn't look to him for advice or spiritual guidance or education beyond how to beat something up, Pigsy and Sandy begged Master for their own disciples after they saw Monkey with his. And soon, each was learning the weapon they had in common with the monk that also wielded that weapon. They did run into a problem, though, in that the kids couldn't lift the weapons. Alright, Monkey finished tracing out the Big Dipper and smelled the concoction he had made. This will give you super strength. Monkey told the young men to drink the liquid and lay down on the ground. Sorry, back up. You have the ability to give mortal humans the strength of the gods? Sandy asked. Monkey said yes. Probably. Probably is doing a lot of work there in that sentence, Sandy pointed out. I read the recipe when I was an attendant in heaven and memorized it. I've never used it because who wants a human to have superpowers? That sounds like a terrible idea, Monkey said, but he never had a disciple before. And also it would take forever if they had to train these kids up to the point where the kids could even lift the weapons. Even if they could, that's probably not possible. So, here we go, Monkey said, standing over the boys. This might feel a little weird. If the preparations are correct, your soul will be ripped from your body and transformed. But in a Dr. Strange way, not a death way. That will happen if my preparations aren't correct. Pigsy and Sandy chuckled. Oh, that wasn't a joke, Monkey said, waved his paws, and the process started. Later on that day, the rod prince waved to his dad. Father, check me out. Hey, father, check me out, he said, bringing down Monkey's rod on an inn, leveling it. Monkey had planned ahead and had this region of the city evacuated while the princes were unconscious slash a little dead. Hey, father, check me out. The staff once sliced a statue in half, which is difficult to do with a staff. Hey father, check me out! The rake's son ran his rake over a field, which wasn't impressive, until he hooked the field and flung the whole thing 42 miles away. The father looked at the inn, the bronze statue, and the giant crater, and clapped. Amazing! Then his boys collapsed. He gasped, nearly tumbled down the steps rushing to their aid. but Monkey told him it was fine, they were fine. It's just that when they used the weapons, they collapsed in exhaustion and almost died for the amount of exertion it demanded from their feeble human forms. The magistrate said that that didn't sound fine at all. The boys awoke almost simultaneously and asked if they passed out and nearly died again. And Monkey nodded. The rake one, Pigsy's, said he had an idea. He noticed those weapons seemed to radiate power and he wondered how much of that was from their form. If the blacksmiths could have some time and look at them and make lighter versions for the princes, maybe they could both defend the city and not pass out after only a few swings. That is actually a good idea, Monkey said, especially since with their super strength, they crushed their old weapons just by picking them up. Okay, sure. Monkey, Sandy, and Pigsy would drop their weapons off with the magistrate's smith, so that he could make copies. And then Monkey looked at Pigsy's disciple. Wow. One single good idea. The student has surpassed the master. Pigsy stood behind his boy, wiping a tear. He was so proud. They knew when the weapons had been stolen, or about when the weapons had been stolen, because the lights went out. Pigsy, Sandy, and Monkey had never been so far from their weapons to see what the items did in their absence. But apparently, their own power and aura, or whatever you call it, superseded that of the weapons. And so, for the next week, while the Smiths worked on the replicas, the whole valley was bathed in a beautiful, iridescent glow. Then, one morning, when the Smiths awoke to get to work before the sun, it wasn't a wash and a beautiful iridescent glow. The smiths ran to the forge, and the weapons were gone. Far from a traditional whodunit, only three people other than Monkey, Pigsy, and Sandy could even lift the weapons, and they were the ones who benefited from the weapons staying where they were. Monkey hadn't gotten secret demon vibes from anyone here in the city, so that only led to one conclusion. Our weapons got lonely being apart from us, gained sentience and also legs, and walked away. Pigsy nodded thoughtfully. Exactly. Wait, that's your one conclusion? No, they were stolen by a monster who saw the light radiating from them and took them in the night, Monkey said. Pigsy scoffed. Now that was ridiculous. The magistrate gave the most definitive answer of anyone in the city regarding monsters in the region. Maybe there were. Who knows? People said Leopard's Head Mountain and Tiger's Mouth Cave have immortals who eat humans. Others say it's tigers, wolves, and monstrous fiends. For a variety of reasons, ranging from don't want to to not gonna, the magistrate hadn't been able to determine what was out there. It's demons, Pilgrim's son said. It's always demons. he instructed the smiths not to put the fire out and instructed Pigsy not to execute the smiths for grand theft rake as he was really excited to do and Monkey said he would be back in a moment 30 miles and 30 seconds later Monkey was hovering over Leopard's Head Mountain but it was a dead end then he heard some sounds and snarls monsters patrolling the region he disappeared and a soft, silver-winged butterfly fluttered along the road toward the growling and snarling voices. Wow, this has been a great month. First, a few weeks ago, our great king met a beautiful woman who's been giving him a great time in the cave and as such, he's been easier on us. Then, last night, he stole three weapons of great power and now he's putting on a festival tomorrow. He's called the Muckrake Festival and we've been giving 20 tales of silver to buy hogs and sheep in the Northwest Market, the first wolf said cheerfully. Yeah, I know. The second wolf said we both have the same job in the same cave. I've lived basically the same life as you for the past month. Okay, well, I'm sorry for trying to make conversation, the first wolf sighed. Is that what you were doing? Because you were just saying things that we both already knew. How does that give me anything to work with? The first wolf pinched his mouth. Okay, were they going to have this conversation again? Sorry for trying to be nice. When people talk about the weather, it's not like new information is coming up, but it's a jumping off point for others who might want to talk. Well, I'm a demon wolf who lives in a dormitory with like 40 other demon wolves. Maybe I don't want to talk for like 10 seconds. The second wolf threw up his paws. Oh, the mission accomplished, the first wolf barked. The second wolf pointed out that the first said that, like, it was supposed to be a punishment, but to be clear, this is exactly what he was hoping for. Then it looks like you got just what you wanted, the first wolf grimaced. Literally, yes, the second wolf replied and then looked ahead of them. Oh, hey, we're, this is our patrol, you don't come this way, they said to the monkey-shaped form in the road ahead. Sun Wukong, whose reputation apparently did not precede him, waved high. Yeah, he wasn't down for killing with his bare paws, so he meant this with no disrespect, but he was going to spit in their faces. That seems pretty disrespectful, the first wolf pointed out. Well yeah but I said no disrespect so you know I don intend it that way Lunky noted as he gathered saliva in his mouth No I with him on this one the second wolf said When you do something you responsible for the effect not just the intention, and our feelings in this are va- But that was all, he said, because Monkey's magical saliva, which he has apparently had the whole time, sprinkled on his fur, and he froze. Searching their frozen and paralyzed forms, Monkey found that both of them wore lacquered name badges on their rope belts. And as he read them, he groaned. Okay, I will be the first wolf, named Shifty and Freaky, Monkey said. And Pigsy, you'll be the second wolf, Freaky and Shifty. Sandy, you'll take the form of a hog trader. Monkey handed Pigsy the name tag and took the form of the first wolf so Pigsy would have something to go off of. Pigsy looked at Sandy and then back to Monkey. It sounded like a good plan, of course, but, well, were they going to talk about the names? I know, Monkey said. He had questions too, but they could just get past the names and do this. He felt really exposed without his rod. He had to spit on guys today, and he didn't like spitting on guys or anyone. Monkey was always impressed when Pigsy was good at something. A compliment that didn't sound like a compliment because it wasn't. Taking Monkey's direction on the differences between shifty and freaky and using him as a template, soon the monkey monster and pig monster were gone, replaced by two wolf monsters. In the dour indigo sandman's place stood a normal human farmer, the type that wouldn't terrify villagers. If he could look normal all the time, why didn't he? Well, first, normal to whom? The farmer grumbled. Also, they were the prejudiced ones. Let them be scared. Fair enough, Monkey said, and called up a cloud. It dropped them a mile or so from Tiger's Mouth Cave, where Shifty and Freaky were set to return with the sheep. Before they approached, Monkey pulled 15 hairs from his side, blowing on them. Fluttering down, when they touched the ground, they became eight hogs and seven sheep, and Pigsy, a little uncomfortable with the setup, walked next to Monkey as Sandy mock-herded the animals. They saw the commotion before they even arrived at the cave. The place was teeming with little fiends running this way and that in order to get ready for the big festival, and a sigh went up from one of the managers, a bean with red hair and skin, massive eyes and sharp fangs. Good, you're back, finally. Sorry, we stopped off for a drink, or five. Wink. Monkey, in the form of shifty, laughed. I'm your direct report. Don't tell me that. Why would you tell me that? Whatever, I didn't hear it. With a signal from Monkey, the sheep and hogs scattered. Isn't your shepherd going after his herd? The manager demon asked. I delivered them. It's your herd now, Sandy shrugged. The demon rolled his eyes and waved for some of the others to go catch the livestock. Oh, also, we still owe him five tails. He only gave us 20, Pigsy said to the manager. You spent 25 on those? How? The manager flipped through the papers on his clipboard. That's a deal, actually, Sandy said, though he had absolutely no idea. Based on his own ignorance of livestock prices, he assumed the other demons would be as well. Yeah, he said he would give us a break on the price if he got an invite to the festival, Shifty, aka Monkey, said. You told him about the festival? The manager demon did not need this. He woke up this morning and had to plan a massive festival. And then his master, the Yellow Lion, was inviting his grandfather, the Ninefold Numina Primal Sage. So now he had that. All because Yellow Lion had stolen some weapons. Well, yeah, he was asking why we needed livestock and it just came out. You know, on account of all the day drinking. Monkey smiled. Stop telling me about the day drinking, the manager commanded. Okay, they would slip him in on the side. Great, thanks. Shifty Monkey said, and entered the room. Okay, Monkey whispered to Pigsy and Sandy. They had to be smart about this. Their weapons were nice, but if they were surrounded without a plan, it could go badly. No one should make a move until Monkey said so. Okay, got it. The farmer, aka Sandy, whispered. Pigsy, Monkey whispered, and then groaned. Sometimes Pigsy wanted to get inexplicably method with these things. Freaky and Shifty, Monkey turned. Where did he go? When someone sees his property, he will go for it, certainly! A squeal went up. Inverse. Monkey spun to see Pigsy's disguise fall away as he leapt for his mudrake. Monkey groaned. Okay, new plan. Fight our way out without a plan. He and Sandy flew to their respective rod and staff, on display behind Pigsy's shining muckrake. You larcenous monsters! Give me back my weapons that I just stole! The yellow lion wailed on Monkey's rod with his bladed shovel. It's there are weapons we're escorting the Tang monk to the Thunderclap temple. Monkey cried. The yellow lion was very much interested in the wrong detail here. but the lion, being a thief, could only see the world through that lens. Plus all of his demons, which Pigsy and Sandy were holding off, had caught the three literally stealing his weapons. Monkey was not holding back, but he kind of was. This cave was far enough from the city to not be a threat and all that this guy had done was take their weapons, which Monkey understood, their weapons ruled. He told the yellow lion multiple times to please surrender and they would just leave. since the yellow lion was a liar, he could only hear Monkey's words that way. That's why Monkey was ecstatic when, instead of throwing himself at Monkey yet another time, he thrust his bladed shovel backwards through the wall of his cave and bolted into the woods, laughing that he was escaping. That was always an option, Monkey called after him. Catching his breath, Monkey said that they got their weapons back, drove off the monster, they should clean things up here and head back to town. After shutting all the demons inside the cave and lighting it on fire, the trio made their way back to the city, where the magistrate was less than thrilled about the Yellow Lion's defeat. What if he comes back for revenge against our city? The magistrate fretted. His son's weapons weren't done yet. Wow, the accent in this region is so different because that is such a weird way to pronounce the phrase, thank you, disciples of the Tang monk, for destroying a demon stronghold near my capital. Monkey didn't need to look at Master to know what Xuanzang thought of that statement. So he said it was fine. He at least knew what was coming. An old grandfather lion. Monkey had no idea what was coming. The yellow lion, having cried to grandpa, piqued the old timer's interest. The powerful silver lion was smart enough not to go for the Tang monk. That only provoked his guards, and that action alone had killed countless demons in the past 14 years. No, if they captured Zoo Ain't Rules, a.k.a. Pigsy, the Sha Monk, Sandy, and Sun Wukong, then they could get the Tang Monk at their leisure. The yellow lion wiped his eyes. Really? His grandfather would help? With a snarl, the grandfather lion smiled, and waving his hand, a coterie of lions leapt from the shadows. One with long hair, one lion that devours tigers and leopards, a mythical lion, a wildcat, and one called, quote, elephant baiter. Seven demon lions, or five, a wildcat and whatever an elephant baiter is, gathered their sharp weapons and... Did anyone else smell that? Freaky and shifty and shifty and freaky stood in the doorway, and the yellow lion screamed, cowering behind grandpa and pointed. Quote, Was this the real freaky child or the false freaky child? Freaky replied that he didn't know what his master was talking about. A monkey spit on him and he had been paralyzed for most of the day. Also, did the king know that his house had burned down and everyone he knew who wasn't currently in the room had been brutally slaughtered? The yellow lion king, who had just managed to stop crying, and was truly hanging on by a thread, broke down again. Luckily for him, and unlucky for the monks, Grandpa was here, and he was going to handle everything. Minutes later, a wind kicked up in the city, and roof tiles and shutters ripped from their places and tumbled down the streets as the magistrate waved everyone toward the palace. Monkey, Sandy, and Pigsy gave the command to their disciples to watch over the people, and the Tang Monk and the princes nodded. Monkey looked up, impressed. It wasn't every day the demons put on a show. Inside the cloud of fog and dust, shadowy, giant forms of lions looked down at the trio, and their banners choked the light of the sun. Monkey turned to Sandy and Pigsy. All right, brothers, let's go. The three took flight. We'll jump into the battle, the one that's still going on 12 hours later, but that will, once again, be right after this. I actually just put some butcher box flat iron steaks in the fridge to thaw for tonight. It is really nice. Not to just have something planned for dinner, but something good. Something I'm excited about because the meat is so high quality. I literally cannot find something similar where I live. The real test on my part is self-control. Can I make the food without, quote-unquote, tasting half of the beef before it even hits the plate? I mean, you gotta make sure it's good, right? No, Carissa, these were definitely one-ounce fillets when I started cooking. 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We've got one! Snow Lion called out 12 hours later, and Monkey spun in the sky, trying to see him fling the unconscious Pigsy to the Grandmaster Lion. Pigsy, with foam at his mouth from being worked to exhaustion, was barely breathing. Turning was a mistake, as Monkey took a hard hit from Wildcat's battle axe, and woke up on the ground alongside a pile of indigo sand that was taking form. Monkey, staggering to his feet, ripped some hair from his side, chewed it up, and spat it out before collapsing. And the five lions surrounding him and Sandy found themselves in a sea of monkeys, none of which being as powerful as Sun Wukong, but after fighting for half a day straight, it didn't matter. Monkey rose and fought alongside his little clones, and though he couldn't catch up with the Grandmaster, who bounded off with Pigsy on his shoulder, he could capture two of the lions, with clones cinching the ropes and dancing on their quarry before being recalled to Monkey's side. Silence pervaded the town, and Monkey walked up to his master and the magistrate, dragging the two-bound lions behind him. With a smile, Monkey said, We won! and collapsed in the street. When he woke up to the prince's pouring water in his mouth and begging to know how they could learn that duplication spell, Monkey said that it was a powerful spell that took years. Also, being a supernaturally magic monkey helped and was necessary. He had 84,000 hairs on his body, and each of those could be 10 monkeys, where each, in turn, could transform into 100 monkeys. He could transform into billions of monkeys. By my math, it's exactly 84 million monkeys, but I'm not about to tell him. When you said you won, Xuanzong said, walking up to Monkey's bedside. Well, they only got Pigsy, and we got two of theirs, so... That's one-third to two-eighths, one of the princes said. Yeah, but it's Pigsy, so it's more of a weighted average, Monkey explained. Monkey, Xuanzong scowled. He's fine. He's a hostage. I'm guessing these lions are like family, and they won't execute him if they want to see theirs again. Monkey groaned as he sat up. That's not what they said. One of the princes chimed in. Monkey turned, what, you talked to them? Well, no, he hadn't. They had talked to the whole city. They were out on the mountainside, yelling that when Monkey woke up, he was to come out and submit himself, or else Pigsy died. That's actually why the princes woke him up. How long have they been out there? Monkey asked. About 45 minutes, the middle prince said. Monkey threw off the blanket and called up a cloud, meeting Sandy on the roof. Oh, you stopped for brunch? Sandy asked. Shut up. I am done with these fools, Monkey said. At Monkey appearance Yellow Lion who was still frothing with anger over his home and friends leapt from the mountain Without looking Monkey full rod appeared in his paw expanded its diameter to the height of a full-grown lion demon, caught the yellow lion in the air, and crunched him against a nearby cliff face, grinding the fur and bones like it was in a mortar and pestle before letting the body fall. The lion stood in stunned silence for a moment before charging at once. but not before Monkey, taking handfuls of hair from his arms, even the odds. But because he was fighting the demons with a renewed brutality, that distracted him from the true plan, one he didn't suspect until he felt an unfamiliar wind ripple through his fur. No, Monkey searched. Where was the old one? A laugh reverberated through town, and the ground rumbled as, appearing before him, the size of a building, Monkey saw the grandfather lion smiling with an open mouth. Propping himself up carefully between sharp teeth, Xuanzang, for as many times as this had happened in the past decade and a half, seemed filled with true terror. Monkey took a step, and the head shook. With that shake, another head appeared, with the magistrate in that mouth. Then, three more with the princes, his disciples. Finally, the bound and bruised Pigsy, and the lion still had three more mouths to go. But he wasn't staying. Sun Wukong had seen what the lion demon needed him to see. Grandfather, help us! The lion demons fighting the monkey clones cried out, but he seemed not to listen and bounded off back toward home. All right, so we got seven total, monkey said. After all the lines except for the old one were bound. Lost five? Maybe we're still winning? Monkey floated? Sandy groaned. Shifty and freaky, oddly enough the wolf demon that didn't desert, managed to survive the fray by hiding and scurrying away, and also because Monkey thought he was foolish enough to lead them directly to the old lion's lair. Monkey was right. As the city was imprisoning the living lions and skinning the dead one, Monkey and Sandy followed Shifty and Freaky to a massive mountain hideout. Monkey also kind of forgot that wolves have better hearing than monkeys, and sand monsters for that matter, and they watched Shifty and Freaky enter the stronghold. When Monkey and Sandy were sitting in the bushes outside the forest discussing their plans, Monkey got real quiet, before saying that his plan was now to get captured. What? Well, that was because they were about to get captured. Two of the nine heads of Grandpa Lion shot from the trees and bit into the pair, and when it stopped whipping them from left to right, and Monkey and Sandy hung limp from the teeth, The lion went inside with a grim chuckle. How are you even tied up? Monkey asked Sandy, who, yeah, remained bound somehow. Monkey's torturers just went on break, which meant... Yep. Nine-headed Grandpa Lion emerged with a fresh cane. He had already broken dozens against Monkey's back, face, skull, everywhere. And this was his whole thing. He was going to enjoy beating his captives one a day for probably over a week, before presumably finally taking a minute to eat the Tang Monk, which would make him functionally immortal, and then trading the royal family back to the city for his lion family. If you're sensing an obvious flaw with his plan, you've listened to a Monkey King episode before. Monkey made a show of it, but he was really playing the long game here. Like how Homer Simpson won boxing matches by letting his opponents beat him until they became exhausted and fell down, eventually the nine-headed lion had to take a nap. He was so tired from beating Monkey. He ordered his little fiends to keep watching the prisoners. As soon as he was gone, Monkey turned and looked like he was trying to shake something from his head. to no avail. What are you doing over there? One of the demons squinted, raising a lantern. I'll tell you if you loosen these ropes. They're cutting into my wrists and ankles, Pigsy cried out. Shut up, Pigsy. He has a weapon smuggled behind his right ear. That's where he keeps his golden hooped rod. It's his weapon, Pigsy blurted. Pigsy! Monkey snapped. Don't tell me to shut up, Pigsy squealed. And now that he had told the demons, he was hoping he'd get his ropes loosened. It was kind of bruising. It hurt a little. I was saving you, Monkey groaned as the two little fiends found the tiny rod buried in his hair. Be careful with that. It's dangerous, Monkey said. And the fiends inspected the rod that was no bigger than a toothpick. What was he talking about? They very quickly understood what he was talking about when the rod instantly increased in size, weight, and density, crushing them and turning them into, quote, meat patties. Monkey became about 10% smaller to slip from his ropes and laughed. That was actually really clever, Pigsy, the fake betrayal and getting them to go for the rod. Pigsy laughed, yeah, that's what he was doing. Monkey put out the lantern. Pigsy whispered, asking what Big Brother was doing. I'm untying you all and we're escaping. I'll burn the place down while the demon sleeps. that's been working pretty well for us recently a voice whispered in the dark big brother big brother untie me first Pigsy whispered back I'm starting with Sandy but I'll get to you I need you to be quiet though Monkey said still working on Sandy's ropes in the dark stop telling me to shut up my hooves hurt and I want to be untied first Pigsy's whisper morphed into a squeal over the course of a sentence Monkey shushed him but seconds later Monkey heard a who's untying who and saw 18 eyes open behind him in the darkness. Without hesitation Monkey abandoned his work and holding his staff out blasted a hole in five walls and went toward the evening light that flooded in the cave leaving the laughter of the lion and now the bound Sandy in addition to everyone else in the darkness behind him. Hi! Monkey heard when he finally stopped. Turning, he saw the gods, the local deities, just floating there in the sky. Hi yourself! Monkey tucked his rod behind his ear. See, I knew this would be awkward. It's like when you meet your neighbor and you forget their name, and then you see them off and on for six months, and at that point it's way too late to ask him, but then you have to and it's just rip the band-aid off that sort of situation okay is this like a bit monkey shuka said he had to find a way to rescue his master okay in our defense at first we thought you might not see him but then you were fighting him and then you were captured and so we're we're telling you now the deities smiled and nodded and congratulated each other on their bravery that bravery didn't involve protecting the travelers from being kidnapped or guarding the city, in the city god's case, but rather saying something, sometime, to someone else who could maybe do something. It was like the same amount of bravery as liking a post on social media. Monkey thought about it. What did they need to tell him now? And then, oh no, not this. Monkey groaned as he learned the lion had come here a year and a half ago, landing in the den of the six lions who immediately venerated him as their ruler and grandfather. He actually belongs in the eastern pole. Monkey, fuming, said, yep, that tracked. The wondrous cliff palace at the eastern pole. That's what, the salvific celestial worthy of the great monad? Who rides? Yep, Monkey nodded, remembering all the details. his mount was a nine-headed lion. As he killed my master, Monkey demanded of the local deity he ordered to keep watch when he and the celestial worthy descended to the cave. Monkey, at the eastern pole, learned that the page responsible for the nine-headed lion mount had helped himself to some found ground wine and passed out for the last 36 hours. Since a year on Earth correlates roughly to a day in heaven, no one had even noticed the nine-headed lion mount was gone. Oh, my lion would never kill, the celestial worthy laughed. He had trained in the way. He and the other lions attacked the city, Sun Wukong said, And did he kill anyone? The Celestial Worthy asked. Well, no, but he beat me for like 16 hours straight, Winky replied. You seem to be doing all right. I think he knew that. You see, this world does things to people. You have such exposure to fear and anger. It changes you. We Celestials like to think that we can't be affected by it, but that actually leaves us the most vulnerable of all. The Celestial laughed. Monkey, as suggested, provoked Grandpa Lion into an attack, but when he emerged from his home and saw his master, he immediately broke down, rushing to the Celestial Worthy, and purring and getting chinnies, and also a beating from the page who wanted to go above and beyond since he was responsible for the lion's escape, what with his own day drinking, and then night drinking when he passed out for a full day and a half, and wanted to overcorrect to avoid his own beating when they all got back home to the pole. The Celestial Worthy thanked Monkey for bringing his lion home, and the lion apologized, saying that when he left home for the first time and found his way to this world, he felt fear, anger. He elicited terror from others, and something about that changed him. He was so sorry. I know, Monkey said. That's why he didn't try to kill Grandpa Lion. No, it's not. You didn't know that. We didn't know that, Pigsy cried out as he emerged from the cave, still bound. This monster bound him too hard. It hurt. That was like killing, if you don't count the severity, duration, intensity, category. Monkey rolled his eyes. Please, Pigsy, just shut up. You think heaven would start, like, microchipping as much as this keeps happening? Monkey laughed as the party started out on the road west a few weeks later. The city honored the group as living Buddhas, and the weapons for the princes were finished. A 1,000-pound rod and an 800-pound rake and staff. But now that it was just them, the group was silent. That was the closest they had all come to death on this trip. Master was literally in the mouth of a monster. Monkey had been beaten unconscious. The only thing that stopped it was the monster's innate nature and training, which he was straining to hold onto. If he had been even a little more disinhibited, it would have been over for all of them. For the first time in a long time, everyone, but Monkey especially, was worried that they might not be able to beat what came next. now that the final leg of their journey to the West had begun. That's where we'll leave it this time. This one was fun enough with them losing their weapons, but it is slightly annoying that it keeps ending where the big bad is just an escaped heavenly creature and then gets called home, where they sometimes get punished, sometimes don't, the Celestials really should start putting bells on their pets or something. It's getting out of hand. The creature this time is Intulo, the Lizardman from South Africa. My son and I have been getting into Lego lately, and it's fun. We love building each set and showing them off and having them around. but if you get into that hobby, you quickly start to run into a problem. Unless every room is a Lego showroom, you run out of room for big sets. In maybe a good, maybe a clumsy transition to Zulu mythology and a talking lizard that walks like a human, the all-creator Sky God felt the same way about his creations. The humans were awesome, we'll find space. So when it came to humans, he wanted the fun to keep going and appeared to do what I do when I don't want to deal with a problem. It's now tomorrow's problem. Tomorrow, Jason, loves endlessly dusting Lego sets. It's a treat for him. Yeah, the creator god didn't want to get rid of any of his creations, so he sent out a little chameleon to tell them that they were never going to die. The chameleon, knowing that the decision of the sky god was immutable, took its time. He meandered across the land, stopped at delicious shrubberies, moving about, on average, 1.5 miles per hour when it chose to move, and it just kept on. And he was right. The edicts of the Sky God were immutable once they were handed down and heard. But in the meantime, the Sky God kind of had a reckoning. He was getting buyer's remorse for his gift of immortality for his humans. He was excited and did it on a whim. Yeah, the Lego Millennium Falcon will be awesome. more pieces only means more fun, until it lives on your kitchen table for four months. No, he needed to get real, so he called over the Intullo. The Intullo had the bad job of telling all the humans that they would die, except that the Intullo was into it. Yes, he would love to. He moved quickly, scampering past all the distractions that the chameleon fell prey to, in order to tell the people, quote, let death befall each and every one of creation. Let every man and every beast, both tame and wild, succumbed to death. People didn't like this, and didn't like the blue-headed lizard, but they disliked the chameleon more, who, because of his delay, all humans would die. I get why the Antulo would be eager for humans to die, and there are some versions where he hears the order to the chameleon, and runs out in front of the lizard, delivering without permission a twisted message, and beating the chameleon. But also, I mean, the lizards weren't promised immortality, so what reason did they have to help the humans out? It is spiteful, but, you know. Finally, this just seems like a metaphor for human communication. I just finished a book on the effects that social media has on us, and it's just kind of our nature to spread bad news and outrage over good news, with the bad, the false, and the anger-inducing getting way more exposure over anything good. So yeah, just maybe wait a little bit to hear if that chameleon has some good news before accepting the bad news from a lizard that walks upright like a human, like some sort of psychopath geico gecko. That's it for this time. Myths and Legends is by Jason and Carissa Weiser. Our theme song is by Broke for Free, and the Creature of the Week music is by Steve Combs. There are links to even more of the music we used in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you next time.