Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel, & Doug Budin: Lizards & Road Rage

When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops. Stop fucking apologizing. You're not making it any better. You're just reminding me how late we are. I know I'm specific. I know I'm a little high maintenance, which is why I tip really fucking well. I don't want to start shit, but... Oh, really? Really? Okay. Really? Jeff Lewis has issues. Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has issues. In today's episode, Simon Rex, Jackie Schimmel, and Doug Buten joined the show. We talk about living off the grid, road rage, and virtual reality. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Jackie, that was very nice of you to give Annie one of your discarded Balenciaga bags. Yes. I love her. It's a family heirloom. Did you show Simon your new bag? I saw it. I saw the handoff. Beautiful, right? I saw the handoff, and then I was educated on why she gave her the bag. Why did she give her the bag? Because there was a big scandal with Balenciaga with the kid, the BBSM, the teddy bears. I see. Yeah. So you're giving away all your Balenciagas? Yes. So people are gonna egg Annie instead of you for having? Exactly. Did you give one to Simon? I will next time. I'm okay. I have a sensible plan. But, I guess, didn't I guess exactly the value? Yeah. I said, let me guess how much that's worth. $2,500. She said exactly, six years ago. So now it might be worth less. It doesn't appreciate some bags do, but not this one. Which ones do? Sorry, Annie. Share it out. Airbases guys, can we calm down? Airbases is more valuable after market or after sale, whatever it is. Ah. Did you see that other bag she was carrying? And is that what you, does that why you elected to hit that closet today? Yes, I did. I really appreciate it. Yes. I think that's so awful. And I said to her, I said to her, I said, please get rid of the old bag. And she said, I mean, you've just elevated her back. Thank you. Even with the scandal, it's still better than what she was carrying. Shut up. This bag is cute. Annie's bag is pink metallic. It's a pink metallic Balenciaga. Jewels in a heart shaped mirror on the side. It just looks like a second grader would carry it. Like a little mermaid. I mean, mine's not, mine's like a fourth grader, but I feel like it will, you know, it could trickle down, stay in the family. Monroe can use it as a lunch bag in a few years once the scandal has settled. Yes. That makes sense. I'll carry it through the scandal. Perfect. She's so brave. I just for fun just counted her bags the other day. So I was like, God, this seems like we're getting a lot of purses here. She has 23 purses, Monroe Lois. Monroe's nine, Simon. Nine. Just to clue you. I'm gonna have to ensure that all of that. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Does she have a bag closet? I don't think so. Yeah, and there's a safe and a lock. Okay. There you go. So Simon, welcome. Thank you. It's very nice to be here on the bag show. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very curious. Do you live in Joshua Tree? Is that your main house? Yeah, I do. Well, I, look at this Jackie show. Oh, wow. How'd you find it? Holy shit. How did that get, that's on the internet? Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, that's a shipping container house. Oh, cool. I bought that right before COVID and everyone's like, you're so smart. You moved out to the middle of nowhere for COVID. I got lucky. I bought that right two weeks before the pandemic started. And then the guy who sold me the home, did that look like a Subaru commercial? The guy who sold me the home wanted it back because he was like, I fucked up. I got rid of this house in the middle of nowhere and this is perfect for these strange times. And I felt it was a weird position to be in. I'm like, well, I'm not selling it back to you. So anyway, yes, that's my home. And then I have a little place in Silver Lake and I go back and forth and I just go there. Like I'll probably go there tonight for a couple of days. It's the getaway pad. Beautiful. Yeah. Do you also have, I've never seen a shipping container. Yeah, it's a thing. It's a thing. It's very minimal. It's 450 square feet. It's one big room. The bedroom, it's tiny house, but the land is beautiful. Five acres. Five acres. And it's surprisingly really cheap to live out there. So it sounds like I'm a baller. It's very affordable. Would you pay for it? I don't want to say that. We can look it up and we can announce it. Yeah, you could. I guess you could see what the value is. Keep scrolling. It probably doubled since I got it six years ago, but I don't want, yeah. Isn't it not nice to talk about that? Not here. But it's all right. So five acres and then. Yeah, and a tiny house. I'll say this, the house is worth $100,000, which is the price of a nice car. And that was the house. So it's the land. It's the land is more valuable. It has a water well, it's off grid, fully off grid. So if anything goes down, you could survive out there. Oh, this is all on my Instagram. Duh. But you could also buy another. Oh, that's gorgeous. Yeah, it's really, it's really weird because I'm from San Francisco. Oh, look at the inside now. That's a little tiny guest house I built. Oh, so that's the guest house. That's the guest, well, that is. I built a little guest house right there, but it's like living on Mars. It's really trippy because I'm not, I just recently got into like being out in nature. Like I'm a city guy. I grew up in San Francisco, New York, LA my whole life. So moving out there was very out of my comfort zone. And now I love it. It's just like quiet and chill. But San. Do you have alien encounters? No, I don't believe in that, but there's a military base, 29 Palms, which is very close. So people go to Joshua Tree and do mushrooms and they'll see a weird aircraft. And they're like, I saw a UFO. Well, maybe it's unidentified, but it's not an alien in there. It's probably a dude from Michigan. Okay, good to know. Yeah. Oh yeah, I caught that. I caught that thing right there. Simon, what is that? That is a, what are they called? Those are, it's crazy that, so that thing right there is, they, I'm not kidding. You could look this up. They shoot blood out of their eyes. It's an alien. We're looking at a video on Simon's Instagram. Yeah. So it's like a lizard. It's a lizard that's super, they come out very rarely and I caught one and you could sell that. And for some reason, I don't know why in Germany, they'll spend like four grand on that little lizard right there. It's for a bag. This would be it. It's for a bag, yeah. For a bag charm. No, but that little, yeah. That horned lizard. Yeah, it's a horny toad, I believe. If you look it up, they shoot fucking blood out of their eyes. It looks like a horror movie. You could see it on YouTube. Blood comes out of their fucking eyeballs. How would we get it to Germany though? I don't know, people, they, they have to, I just learned that after I posted it. That's what you worried about? How do you get this? Yeah, because if we're gonna get four grand for it, how do we deliver it? That's a mini Kelly handle. Yeah, I don't know how you deliver it. I don't know how you deliver it. It's a good question. I wasn't gonna do it, but I was like, oh, well, this is a good side hustle. Well, if you could get five. That's what I'm saying. And then you could get a Valencia. And then you fly over there, right? I don't know what it costs to fly to Germany, but you could use your points. You could use your points. And then make quick 20 grand and fly right on back. I couldn't agree more. That's the only one I've caught in six years. They're hard to find and hard to see in the ground. What'd you do with them? I let them go after a few days. That's nice. A few days? Yeah, I kept them for like three days. Did you feed them? Yeah, well, I did. I left the lid open on the jar. Did it bleed for you? No, it did not bleed for me. Not that bad. This is a nice place, Simon. Thank you. Yeah. What are you watching on TV there? Oh, I don't know what that was. That looked like porn. It might've been. I got the Wi-Fi out there. I got the, what's it called? Starlink. Star, yeah, Skylink, because it's anyway. So it's a very minimal, but it's really about the vibe. You need a pull. Have you been to Josh? Well, that's expensive. Are you needing a hot tub? Yeah, everyone's like, why don't you just enjoy what I got? You need a pull. A hot tub. I know, everyone's like, give us sauna. I do. Give us a sauna. I have a ice bath and a sauna. Okay, there we go. Yeah. Now we just need the pull and the spa. Yeah, I know. How much will it cost? Did you look into it? Yeah, I did. I got a guy who- 80 grand? No, not that much. You could do it for like 30 grand, which, you know, it's not cheap, but it's not as much as you'd think. It's an above ground pull that this guy makes out there for 30 grand. Yeah. Doable. What are we waiting for? Does he have financing? Sell the lizard. Let's get a pull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, it's a trip, man. It's like, not for everybody. Like some of my friends come out there and like, this is awesome. And then some of my friends come out like, what the fuck are you doing out here? But I love it. And it's physically beautiful. But you're catching lizards. This is what you're doing. I'm catching lizards. What else are you catching out there? I caught a snake, which was scared, a rattlesnake. Yeah, yeah, I learned there's a woman out there named, if you want to have a fun peek at Instagram, I don't know, she's kind of changed her name. Her name is Danielle, the snake whisperer. And she'll come to your property and catch snakes if you don't want to grab them or deal with them. She's this tattooed up, you know, rad chick that I've met because... A masculine woman, I imagine. No, she's actually quite... She's like, she's a pretty model. It's crazy. Snake, come on. She's like, got a good body and tattoos and she does modeling out there and she's the snake woman that the fire department, the police, they all call her if there's a snake. Is there something going on with you and her? No, we're friends. Okay. So you can just call her whenever you see a snake. Yes, and one time I decided to just catch the snake on my own, because I got this thing, it's like a golf club size snake grabber. I don't know what the fuck you call it. You pick up the snake and I put it in my ice bath, which was empty. Oh, that's me building my outdoor kitchen. To the average, I was like, oh, this guy built shit. This is all new for me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm learning out there to do construction. I got a truck. I'm like, I'm going that road, okay? Can you come over to my house after this? Yeah, but I can fix your Balenciaga bag. It seems lonely. It's not lonely. I mean, when I have company out there, it's not lonely, but I also could go spend time alone for a day. With the snake lady. It's a trip being out there by yourself for a couple days. Yeah, I mix it up. I have friends and family come. I'll go by myself. It's great. Other restaurants out there like Chili's. Yeah, I think there's Applebee's. Oh, nice. Yeah, but there's actually, yeah. There's not a lot of good food out there. You got to go down to Palm Springs, which is like the big city for like a good steak house. How far is that? Like 40 minutes. All right, that's not terrible. Yeah, that's not bad. So what are the closest restaurants like within 15 minutes? One of the best restaurants out there is La Coupine, which is about 20 minutes. It's like a world famous restaurant, like really good, really good. And then there's a couple spots in Yucca Valley near the Joshua Tree Park. Is that where you go to the grocery store? Yeah, exactly. So you're cooking for yourself? Yeah, I learned to cook. Are you good cook? No. You know who's probably worse? I know how to make a steak. Jackie Shimmel. I'm a good cook. How fucking dare you? You know this about me. She cooks beautiful. I like getting her triggered this morning. I'm triggered. And you're going to show everybody next Thursday? Oh yeah, I'll be on Cooking Kibbitz next Thursday. Why would you do that? That's a career killer. Because Doug's coming to her. Yeah, I'm going to go to her. Oh, you're driving all the way to Westlake. You're invited if you want to get your passport to make the trip. That's too far. I mean, Joshua Tree is closer. Bring your own lizard. That's true. I'd rather go see the shipping container house. I do think you should do the pool, Simon. Oh, I know. I will one day. Whoa, that's crazy. Anyway, that's look at that. I mean, look at that. What the fuck? Beautiful piece of property. People listening don't see what we're looking at, but it basically looks like you're in the Grand Canyon or something. Look at Simon's Instagram. Oh, shit. I forgot to introduce Simon. Shannon. Oh, my mom's going to hate this. So your mom's going to get so mad at me. Back to one, everybody. Simon, this is what I do. I do it every time. I jump into conversation, and I don't tell anybody who you are. OK. So you are a former model, turned MTV VJ, turned actor, turned rapper, turned actor again. Yeah, that's about right. OK. I will say I'm a big fan. You had a hit single. So is it Dick Nasty? Dirt Nasty, yeah. Dirt. Don't be crazy. Dick Nasty is really good. Yeah. You got to relaunch. Was that a comeback song? That was a mistake. I didn't mean to say that. It's really funny. Dirt Nasty and Mickey Avalon. And you had, you went platinum with this hit. Yeah, yeah. Stinks like shit. Magic. Got a C's to do. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Needs a tweezer to do. Wow. Should collaborate. It's very catchy. You should be proud. Yeah. The writing is incredible. I mean, it's deep. I get it. So it's funny. So me and my buddies, I had a successful acting career. And me and my friends, this is early 2000s, me and a couple of my buddies would just make, I had a little music studio and we would make, I'd make the beats. And my friends and me would rap. And I would, this was CD burner days before the, like this is even before my space. And I would burn CDs of me and my friends joking around rapping and I would hand it out at the club to friends. And I'd see like Leonardo DiCaprio. I'd be like, here dude, this is me and my boys rapping. And I'd see, you know, models. And I just started handing them out. And somehow it got in the hands of Interscope Records. And we got signed to Interscope Records. And next thing you know, we're on tour with the chili peppers in front of 50,000 people in arenas in Europe. And we were just joking around in my spare bedroom. And then, yeah, yeah. And then it goes platinum. And the whole thing was a joke. It's pretty funny. She has a very similar story. So she made, you did a song as a joke. Yes during COVID. Batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, baby on my batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, batch, but we need more. Seems unimpressed. No, no, I'm listening to the lyrics. And I don't agree. You're not a bitch. You don't know me very well. Well, she's being nice to me about the balance. Professional condom on retainer. You know this shit is a banger. So what if I'm a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, baby on my bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. So good. Grammy Award winning songwriter. Where'd you like number one on iTunes for a second? iTunes and the Billboard chart. I was number 23 on the Billboard chart. That's crazy. That is crazy. And were you trying to blow up or just joking around? It was during COVID. My husband is a music producer. I somehow hijacked one of his sessions with some like really big songwriters and bullied them into spending an hour and a half writing me a song. And then we put it out as a joke. Yeah, so birds of a feather. See, that's the lesson out there. Cause I think if you just have fun and do it for fun, sometimes that could happen. If you take it too seriously, man. But anyway, that's my experience and her experience. But yeah, it's crazy. I got a platinum plaque on my wall and I was just fucking around. I made the beat in five minutes. We had a microphone with a sock on it. It was just really lo-fi and it worked. Anyway, so then I sabotaged my acting career by doing that because I was on the road with the chili peppers. And I remember my agent at the time, this is like Blackberry Days would be emailing me. They're like, where are you? You have an audition for ER or whatever the fuck was going on then. And I'm like, I'm on tour with the chili peppers in Europe. And my agents were like, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't know, but it's fun. And then I sabotaged my acting career by going on the road. And then I was stuck doing that funny rap shit for 15 years. But it was fun. But then when I hit 40, it wasn't cute anymore. When you get gray hair and you're rapping about your dick and doing coke, it's not cute anymore. Right, right. You know, it was fun, but it was like, okay, this is for like a younger and then- Still cute to us though. Yeah, I find it adorable. There's an audience. I think you'd rap about your dick at any age. Yeah, okay. They love it. So you were on Felicity, Jack and Jill. Now, what I like about you, was that Amanda Bynes? Yeah, it was Amanda Bynes. They just came out on Netflix. Just so you know, you two work together. Oh, what? Yeah, I'm working in the office. I thought I recognized when you said nice to see him, like I know him from somewhere, but it's been what? A long time. 25, 23 years? So we didn't have, I worked in the office with Amanda. That's right. Like a gossipy queen. Wait, did you run Lines with us? I'm sure, yeah. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. It was 24 years ago, so I get the hall pass, right? I haven't aged, it's true. That's so crazy. Yeah, Amanda- A Sheldon F-directed, I remember. Wow. Well, it's on Netflix and I've been kind of going down memory, memory lane, memory road, memory avenue. Memory street, no, it's memory street. Memory street. Memory place. I'm sure you've watched it many times. No, I was just gonna say, I have not been able to see it. I'm gonna re-watch, I fucking loved that show. It was a good show. My copy's on VHS, so I don't have the ability to watch it. Yeah, you do, you have Netflix. Now I have Netflix. Anyway, it holds up, I was, I just checked it out the other day and I'm like, whoa, I haven't seen this in 23 years and it's still very wholesome and funny and well-written. And you played Lance. Leslie Grossman, a star also. Yeah, yeah. Leslie Grossman, she was in that show. Leslie Grossman was our boss. And Jenny Garth, you were with Jenny Garth. Yes, I was in season one, so I don't know, then season, there was different cast throughout the years. I was just on the first season. Yeah, anyway, yeah, anyway, I went on Tangent there, but yeah, it's a wholesome good show. And what you were saying, Felicity, yeah, that was the WB days. This was the late 90s, early 2000s. I moved here from New York and I just got a hold, what's called a holding deal, where the network will retain you and they'll say, okay, we're gonna pay you to not work on other networks and we're gonna put you on a few shows. And that's what they did. They put me on Felicity, Jack and Jill, I would like about you and another show I can't remember. Anyway, those were the good old days. That's when there was a lot of money in Hollywood. Nowadays, it's not like that as much. I mean, that doesn't exist anymore. A holding deal that's unheard of. Yeah, so that was a good time. And it was a sitcom. Sitcoms don't even exist anymore. A live audience sitcom, they don't exist. So it was a good time. And I left it to rap with my friends like an asshole. And I left all of that dream life to rap with my friends in Cleveland in a snowstorm. Yeah, but that's cool. Which was fun. It was cool and it was fun. Okay, so then. And I'm lucky to have my career back and be sitting here right now. Well, that's what we need to talk about. So what happened? There was a movie that you did in 2021 that I think was a bit of a comeback for the movie. Correct. Is it Red Rocket? Yes, that's right. And it was this guy, Sean Baker. He just won every Oscar last year. He's like the guy and he pulled me out of obscurity. I was sitting in that shipping container wondering what I'm doing with my life. I quit rapping. I moved out there. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do, but I'm getting out of LA and I had a good run. And then Sean Baker hits me up and gets my phone number and hits me directly and has me audition on my phone and send it into him. And he says, okay, you got the job. I need you in Texas in three days. So I just drove out to Texas. We shot this movie and then it was at Cannes Film Festival and won all these awards. Standing Ovation at Cannes. And I was like, oh my God, this is fucking hilarious. Like I got wrote back in. And then you immediately got cast in, is it Blink twice? Yeah. With Channie Taylor. Yeah, I guess Zoe who wrote and directed. Zoe Kravitz, yeah. Yeah, she loved Red. A lot of people loved this movie called Red Rocket so much that they would just insert me into their existing project I never had that before where you just get like put into a movie without auditioning, which is nice. Cause then you don't have an opportunity to blow the audition. So yeah, it just work be gets work kind of thing. So they just got me more work. So that's nice. And then what are you promoting today? Cause it's a strange title. Yeah, Operation Taco Garry's. It's a, yeah, it is a strange, yeah. So I feel there's not enough comedies out there and I, you know, they don't make them anymore. And if they do, they're not that good. So me and a couple of my friends decided to make our own indie comedy, low budget, and it came out really good. And we're going to be in theaters the 27th and it's called Operation Taco Garry's. And it's basically a conspiracy theory comedy. I think conspiracy theories are really funny to me. I have some friends I'm sure you all do. If you aren't one of them, you got a friend who goes way too deep down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theory. Oh yeah. And there's a lot of funny, that's really, there's a lot to play within that world. So it's a conspiracy theory comedy about me and my brother who's not a conspiracy theorist and I kidnap him in shenanigans in Sue. And it's with Brenda Song, Dustin Mulligan, Tony Cavallaro, Arturo Castro, it's great cast. And he came out really big. He plays himself in it. And yeah, yeah. So very happy with it. It's a very funny, silly comedy. We need more silly comedies, right? I agree. I forgot to mention, this is probably where people know you. Scary movie. Yeah. That's where your mom knows. Yeah, scary movie. Those Simon 3, 4 and 5, right? Yeah. That's probably where Shannon Douglas, I'm sure she's seen that. A lot of people know Simon from that. That was, yeah. And that's how you knew Simon, right? Oscar knows him from his early work. Yeah. Yeah, Oscar? That was probably the biggest thing. Oh, early work. Oh, I heard, okay. I cut that. Scary movie. Does that just come up in every single interview? Yeah, it's too easy. Yeah. It's too easy. I haven't brought it up. Well, you just did. I did, but it was a joke. Yeah, I know, it's a joke. So now the listeners are wondering. So you did some photography early on and that's where you. Yeah. Who hasn't? And then that's what got you noticed and it created a big modeling career, correct? Sure, sure. Well, let's just say that happened, sure. Okay, so, and the pictures were nude. Sure. So you did some videos. Yep. Okay. There you go. Moving on. Yeah. That's how. Done. Are you mad about that? No, no, not at all. It's just always comes up and it's just like, it's like that joke. There's a joke about it that's very funny that reminds me of my life. It's, let me, and I'm gonna probably butcher the joke, but it goes something like this. Thank you, probably will. I probably will. Wait till the break. Oh, is there a break? No, but I wanna hear the joke. Something like, you know, is guys telling his nephew, you know, my whole life, I build this beautiful home, but do they call me Igor the home builder? No, they don't. I plant this field, but do they call me Igor the field planter? No, they don't, but you fuck one sheep. You, it landed. That was good. That was funny. However. And that's the story of my life. But they're campy. It doesn't matter all the good stuff I did. And he regrets. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It wouldn't be here. No, there shouldn't be any regrets because you didn't do this, you wouldn't have been here. And if you didn't do there, you wouldn't have been here. So I mean, look, there's no regrets. And there's no judgment here, that's for sure. Good. Well, here's the problem, which is probably uncomfortable for you. He's probably pleasure himself many times to those photos. Are you indicating me? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry, Simon. That's why you wanted to run lines is Amanda Bynes room. And there it goes. And there is the sound. None of that is true. Well, not currently though, because he's no loads butin. Yeah, I'm sorry Simon. So you're safe. No issues, no problem. So he's on Flowmax because he had kidney stones. Yeah, that's what you were talking about before. And now you can't have an orgasm? Well, you can. There's just no ejaculation. Wait, why? Because it's blocked, like the valve is blocked? Relaxes your prostate so much that it's not able to divert the semen to where it's supposed to go and then the anesthetic gets reabsorbed back into your bladder. Is that dangerous? No, it's not dangerous unless you want it to procrate. You can't conceive. So if you are planning to have a child, you have to talk to your doctor and I guess they just put you on something else. So it's not dangerous, but it just makes it not fun. It's a wah wah wah. But it's not about the aesthetic part of it. There's a feeling and intensity that is not there anymore. There's no release. There's no real release. It's a real let. It's just a let down. It's just a bummer. So this is a good lesson for you. Just enjoy the ride, not the destination. That's a very good point. I don't even want to go to the park before. He does enjoy the ride and the destination. And then do you still have those goggles that you? Oh, the VR goggles? My VR goggles? You still use those? I haven't used it. I used to work out with my VR thing. I was doing all sorts of calisthenics with my VR thing. But I haven't used it in a while. Remember I injured myself? And that, so then after that I ran into a tree because I was in my backyard. With your VR goggles on? You ran into a tree? You had a tree? Do you have a video of this? I had an abrasion. Just for a camp. But we have bird cams. I was about to say, do we have a ring cam? It was before. We have bird cams. What does that mean? People don't come to this house. Oh, is that a different type of ring cam, bird cam? No, you need that for a Joshua tree. Oh, you do need it for Joshua tree? Oh, I watch the YouTube videos where it's like the nest of the birds. Oh yeah, I watch those. It's a bird feeder. It's bird buddy. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, there's an eagle one in Big Rock. I love watching that. So I have that in my backyard. So every time a bird comes, it sends me a video. You wish you could come. It'll tell you what kind of bird. That's true. If you want to. So it's interesting, it's the same birds that keep coming back. Interesting. Because they love my home. Or they love the tree and if the home wasn't there, they'd probably be in the tree. But I put on his goggles. Now Jeff tried the VR. And I did sample porn while I was walking. 3D porn. Yes. It was actually kind of cool. Really? I felt like I was right there. It made me dizzy. Oh yeah, I don't know about that. It's not enough for me to buy some. Right. But it was. But to come over to your friend's house and borrow his VR for porn. Yeah. Wait, Jeff, watch the porn. Don't tell me that you haven't used that. I told you I had to learn how to do it when you brought it up. Bring him to Phoenix. My VR thing? I mean, you have your own room. You have your own room. You want a porn on Doug's goggles in Doug's home? Yeah, I did. Okay, pervert. No, it was just a few minutes. I just wanted to see what it was like. Just a pervert? Yeah, he's hanging around. No one else is curious? The couch. Oh, bullshit. All of you are curious. I said no when I was on the phone. It was over a year ago. You'd watch it, Simon. You know what's funny? The whole VR thing, like not just VR porn, but as a whole, I feel like until they get it to be less cumbersome and like goofy, it just hasn't quite hit. Like I remember getting Oculus or one of those and checking it out. But yeah, I feel like it's not quite there yet. And now with AI, it's about to get really freaky, I bet. And you could probably just put in some contact lenses. It's all coming. And then you could just not have the goggles and run into a tree. You could be sitting here doing Jeff's show and watching porn at the same time. And Doug will. Now that's the dream. That's the dream. Dreams do come true, Doug. You got Wi-Fi out there. Yeah, I do. That's the Starlink. Starlink. And it's good. It's great. It's some satellite. It's a satellite. How close are you to the Cap-A-Zone outlets? Oh, hour and 10 minutes? Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, she's out. We have to stop by for lunch. Yeah, I have a right. I'll get out of the way. They do. They do. OK. That's a great outlet. I know. Oh, my God. The same company as Camarillo. But this is. Oh, my God, it's so much better. What can I get for like, what would 10 acres, 20 acres, cost me out there? Well, now, OK, so now, for instance, my neighbor is selling her 10 acres, and she's asking like $800,000 for 10 acres, which is absurd. Does it have a well? Does it have a septic, like yours? Does it have? I don't know if it has a well, but she's asking way too much. Can I tap into yours? Aw. I wonder if you could, actually. That's what you said about that. I don't know how that works. But I like those really modern modular homes. Yeah, cool. Put that out there with a pool. The pre-fab. Kind of amazing. Just go out there and check out for two days, and then go back. OK, I've seen the value in this. Yeah, it's really just to go reset. Yeah. It's almost like, yeah, it's just to recharge the batteries. And I don't, until I really got out of the city, I'm so used to the city, and traveling, and going into nature, I never realized how much I enjoy unplugging from all of the intense insanity of living in the human zoo. So it's nice to go out there and just sort of recalibrate and then come back in. But I think to get what we want is going to be $2 million. Because you're going to get the people who want 10 acres, Jackie, for $800,000. Then we have to build the house. We need the pool. The pool's going to cost us probably $100,000, because we're going to want a little bit of an infinity edge. Of course. So if you want to ball out, it's going to be expensive. If you want to ball out. And then we're going to have to have the coal plunge, because if Simon has it. We need to full wellness center on Simon. Probably a shaft, because it's nowhere to go to be. We could split it. And then you guys can use it one weekend. Because I don't want to go there every weekend. OK, time share. No me either. You're right. Time share. What would it be like a wellness retreat? Yes. A lot of people do that out there. First we hit cabazon. Obviously. That's the therapy. Yeah, of course. We do the power infinity loop. I know exactly where to park. I know how to get in and get out. OK. You could drive to get a steak at one of the great steak restaurants. No, in Palm Springs, you can do it with a Saturday at Mr. O'Lankey. I got a Ruth Chris. I love Ruth Chris. They cook us your butter. They cook us your steaks and butter. And I'll be on it. On the way out there, I stop at Erwan. I grab some snacks. I throw them in the fridge. It's not cooking. I'm heating up shit. Yeah. Thank you for being honest. But I didn't think you cooked. But I cooked a steak. I did learn to cook a steak. That's about it. The one issue for Jeff is the snakes. We're going to have to get you a steak. I need a snake lady. But I'm going to be calling her a lot. Yeah. We got to get the. I don't want those. Can I do snake fencing? So not really. It's a look. What does that mean? They're only out six months a year. The critters are out. They hibernate the other six months. So right now in the winter, which is a really nice time of year, they're hibernating. They're not even out. So six months a year, you don't even think about. What months? Pretty much right when it gets to be a certain temperature cold. October? Yeah. I want to say September, October, November, December. Yeah. Pretty much fall winter. Those are the months I'm going to use the house. OK, great. You can use it in the other months. Leave me with the fucking critters. You get the urban, the unbearable heat. The August is great in the desert, Jackie. It's great. What about scorpions? Yeah. I've seen one scorpion since I've been out there in one tarantula, but they're not lethal. Neither are the snakes. You'll get fucked up or you won't die likely. What about like mountain lions, birds of prey? I haven't seen them, but my neighbor's camera caught a couple mountain lions. And then I think they're nocturnals, so you just don't see them. But they're out there. And I saw a bobcat once. That was really cool. Does anyone do fencing? You know, that's an interesting question. And where I live out there, nobody wants to fence their property. I'm going to need to fence it. So yeah, then. You see. But the fence won't really stop anything. No, it doesn't. We have a fence. We've got a snake thing. I've had a bobcat. I need a guard tower. A mountain lion. I've had everything in my life. Yeah. Snipers. You're a fine bird. How does it feel to face the storm head on, go beyond the map, drive into the extreme, or win a Ford Explorer? Test drive won before the end of May, and you could win one. Now how would that feel? Search Winner Ford Explorer. Ready, set, Ford. T's and C's apply 25 plus only. See ford.co.uk for details. Grab the unrivalled Samsung Galaxy S26 Ultra with an incredible privacy display on EE, the UK's best network. You can save 20 pounds per month, plus claim a Samsung Galaxy Tab S10 Lite. Now we're talking. So get yours today. Offer ends 28th of May. Saving on minimum, 24 months, 125 gigabyte airtime plan. Eligibility, credit check and terms apply, credit by EE Limited. Claim from Samsung within 30 days of purchase. Verify best network at EE.cuddy.cay.claims. I am very invested in your home in Westlake. Thank you. I know that you are about to start a backyard renovation. Yes. You're going to be redoing the pool, the hardscape, the landscape. Everything. Now, you're going to find that she will have masculade her husband on a regular basis here on this radio show, Simon. It's my therapy. He doesn't listen. You have hired an architect, a very expensive architect, and who charges you an hourly. And he comes out and he's going to be doing the measurements and all the blueprints, the plans, and he's going to get you the permits. Now, what has been upsetting you? Yeah, yeah. Well, Andrew likes to be involved in the process. I don't know why. I mean, I have theories. But he, you know, bless him, is really comfortable just displaying his simplicity of brain. I'll put it that way. So we've hired. Yeah, we're men. That's how we are. It's like, I think that because his late father was very handy, built things, a man of the land from Montana, that he maybe, this is like my diagnosis, that maybe it makes him feel like a touch of that by being involved in the process. But what he does is he's not only in the way, he is so fucking comfortable saying the dumbest shit that I've ever heard anybody say publicly in front of these professionals with such careless abandon and on the clock. So every question he fucking asks. Costing you money. Costs about $36. I've run the numbers on it. Every time he comes out, I said, do not leave this fucking room until she leaves. It's $200 an hour on top of a hefty one time fee. So when she comes out, she's doing the measurements. He says to me, he goes, how is she going to do the blueprints if they haven't moved the retaining wall yet? I said, you dumb fuck. She's the one that makes the blueprints to move the retaining wall. Like, what are you talking about? She's an architect. She's the architect. There's a, it's called an as built, and then there's a projected. So yes. What are you talking about? And then so he comes out and he just can't help himself. And he's like, I just got a quick question. I'm like, get the fuck inside. Because every question, like I said, averages $36 to $43. Pool tile. Oh my god, the pool tile. He goes, I just want to make sure that when you guys pick the pool tile, it's going to be water safe. Waterproof. No, no. Waterproof. I said, get the fuck inside. So he wasted $36 asking that question. And then he asks, then he says, we also hired like a drainage engineer because we've got a lot of drainage issues. He says, he goes, hey, Stephanie, you see this retaining wall that's being removed, by the way. The whole reason we hired her is to move the fucking wall. He goes, there's a lot of water damage on this wall. And she goes, yeah, I know. And he goes, I just want to make sure that when we move the wall, that we're going to get new French drains, right? I said, Andrew, do you think that we've spent all this money and hired all these people that they're going to regurgitate the drains from 1942 and put them back in the fucking ground when we've hired a drainage engineer? You think that they're going to put, they're going to salvage? Yeah, we're getting new fucking drains. Like, I can't get into it, so I'll have a heart attack and die. It's been really stressful. You're not married, right, Simon? No, I'm not married. Don't do it. Yeah. Are you dating? Or do you? Yeah, I'm dating. OK. Anyone in particular or just? OK. Vague. What are you looking for? I'm not looking for anything. Oh, OK. I just let things. Yeah, that's the problem. That's the problem. That's the problem. No. You had a big smile on your face. Yeah, because to be honest, I think there's a big societal pressure to get married and have kids. I'm happy. I'm OK. I'm OK by myself out there. I'm OK if I don't. I'm OK. I don't know. You and the lizards. Just me and the lizards? Oh, by the way, that's how we're going to make money. Snake baddie. We're going to collect those lizards and take them to Germany. Because you go to Europe twice a year. Paris, Germany. Paris, Germany. I bet there's a lot more of those. When do those lizards come out? I can't remember what time of year. And it's like, he's not telling us. No, I don't. He's hoarding them. Yeah, he is hoarding them. He's hoarding the lizards. Horde lizards. No, I can't remember exactly when. But there, yeah, I remember my neighbors going, dude, you could sell those for like three grand. German people love them. And then I looked it up and they shoot blood out of their eyes. I'm like, sounds like some German shit. What do we feed them? Caviar? No, I mean, you could. Okay, plump them up. Sure. Those omegas. Yeah. Vitamin D. Okay. So, Andrew's been banned from the backyard? Pretty much, yeah. Or I've been sending him Venmo requests for any time he asks a question. I do the calculations. That's really funny. And then I make him pay me. Now, Simon doesn't know this, but when you were in Europe and your last trip, which was just a few weeks ago, correct? Yeah. You bought a lot of cozy, warm raccoon sweaters. And I imagine you really use them this week. Because it's been cold. I did. I almost wore one today. You shut up. But it's a little oversized. It doesn't do much for my body. So I'm, I'll save it, but it's gorgeous. How many raccoon sweaters did you buy? Six. Are you an animal lover, Simon? Not enough that I'm mad. She has a raccoon sweater. Six. It's a cashmere raccoon blend. Someone sent me an idea that they don't have to kill them, that they can like cut the fur off. They find it already dead one? They give him a little trim. The living squirrel. Oh, they're kind of like a sheep. They can shave it, they should live. So I choose to believe whoever said that to me. What is that? Is that a raccoon dying? That's Jackie's sweater crying out for help. They're expensive. I got to tell you. Did PETA contact you? Yeah, they did. Was it about the raccoon sweaters? No, they haven't even heard about the raccoon sweaters. What are they talking about? What did PETA reach out to you? I said something in my podcast about the Sabrina Carpenter performance at the Grammys, how she was holding a little white dove and got like, you know, that dove, what a dream. Okay. It's airtime on the Grammy stage for one and a half minutes in Sabrina Carpenter's gorgeous hand. And PETA came after her saying that it was animal abuse, blah, blah, blah. I said that was ridiculous and that whatever that bird should be so lucky, you know? So PETA went out. They sent me a very lengthy, very defensive letter. Oh, wow. Talking about all the work that they do and whatever. I mean, it's probably a trained, that bird probably has an agent and a team and a hair and makeup team and all of that. Should be so lucky. Yeah. Yeah. People for the ethical treatment of animals. Yeah. It's PETA. You know, one of my friends, he goes, PETA. I go, what did you say? He goes, PETA. I go, don't do the accent like it's abita. Okay, it's PETA. Right, that's so true. Don't be that guy. Yeah, yeah, the PETA, don't do the PETA. That's not even correct. Did you have a road rage incident this week? Probably. Did I? Kean told me you did. Be careful, people are crazy. Yeah, don't. This bitch is crazy. I am crazy. You fight crazy with crazy and it just like eliminates it. The guy that you're like, are you going to the garden center or something? You roll down the window and you're yelling at him. I literally. I think it happens a lot. No, it does happen a lot. The light turned green and you didn't go. Oh my God, that's, thank you for reminding me. Trauma, she blocked it out. I block everything out. It's so crazy. I was making a right, okay, but it was a protected right. Like an arrow, whatever. It turns green. I am a woman hovering on the pedal. I'm quick, you know what I mean? It was .03 seconds. I go, this guy's honking at me. Like the second it turns green. I look, I thought, low key thought he was a fan or a friend. Okay. I was like, yes, it's me. So of course we both, we turn. I'm freaking out. We hit a red light or right next to each other. I pull over so I'm right next to him. And he's like kind of talking to me like through the glass, whatever he's like saying something. He's waving his hands and I'm like, I can't hear you. I can't hear you. And this is in Westlake. Like, I'm not going to get shot. Okay. So we roll our windows down. I roll my window down. I'm like, I can't hear you. And he's like, green means go. I was like, oh my God, it does. Thank you so much. I had no idea. I don't see color. I said, first of all, yes, exactly. I said, first of all, it was .03 seconds. Okay. And I went, it was a protected red. Okay. Now we're both at the red light. I'm like, by the way, where are you going? Like, why are you in such a rush? She's like, go to the market. And I'm like, oh my God, you better get there fast. They're going to run out of food. And then of course it turns green. And I'm like, it's green. Green means go. We hit another red light. I rolled down my window. No. I said, what are you? They're dating. I'm like, what are you getting at the market? He's like, enough. I said, no, we're just getting started. I love that he's participating in this. Totally. And I'm like, what do you need to get? Where do you need to go? Like, is it urgent? Are you making something? You got a girlfriend, then it turns green again. I'm like, it's green. It's whatever. Anyways, how are you, Simon? No, I relate to that. I don't like when my friends who are in the car when the light turns green .03 seconds. Come on. Give me half a second and I'll go. Everyone needs to relax. We're toodling through suburbia, okay? And I'm a green means go kind of gal. Like I'm not laissez-faire with my driving. I'm pedaled to the metal. What does laissez-faire mean exactly? What's the translation? Casual. I know, but what is the exact translation? Not a clue. Lazy at to do. Let's say fan means to do. So it's being lazy at the doing. Ah, wee wee. Question, scary movie six is coming out, right? They're shooting it right now. Are you not a part of it? No, I'm not a part of it. Did you die? Well, I died in all of them because it's a silly comedy where it doesn't make sense. So I think I died in all of them, but that's not why I'm not doing it. The Wayans brothers did scary movie one and two. It was their idea. Then they had a beef with the Weinsteins, Bob and Harvey. They didn't get along. So the Weinstein said, we're gonna take scary movie now that we own it and we're gonna go hire David Zucker. He did airplane, naked gun, you know, all those spoof movies from the 80s and he's gonna do these now. And then that's the ones that I did. So they associate me with the David Zucker camp and I don't think they like me because I did their baby, right? I took the, I was the lead in their baby. So now they're doing six. Yes, I think, yeah, they're doing six. Right now I think, and Anna Ferriss is in it, thank God, because she's so funny and she was the best part of all of them. That's a shame. If you're Anna Ferriss, no, it's okay. It's okay, I'm working on other stuff, it's fine. I did three of them. No, I know. Three is enough. But if you watch the scary movie, it's like Scream, we're friends with Jamie Kennedy, he comes on the show a lot. Oh, he's the best, I love Jamie. I want Jamie Kennedy back on Scream. Yeah, he should be on Scream. What are you waiting for? Yeah. They're bringing everyone else back. Yeah. Bring him back? Yeah, bring him back. All right, okay, I'm a big Jamie Kennedy fan. He's not only so talented, but such a good dude. All right. Okay, Kate and Minneapolis, line two's, Simon Rex. Hey, Kate. Oh, hey, there you guys, oh my God. Hey, Shane, shout out Shane. Simon Rex was a part of my awakening as a young teenage girl. You made me realize, Simon, that I liked boys. I had you all over my wall, ripped out of YM magazines. You are legendary. I don't know if you guys understand the legendary that Simon Rex actually is. I don't think they care at all. I don't think they care or appreciate how much of a legend. Now, so you were confused. You were all over the Hollywood scene back in the day. You have no idea what you did for this Midwest girl. Oh, that's sweet. And one more thing, Jackie Shimmel. You, my friend, are the best bitch of a live and a quick joke. Did you know that Helen Keller had a horse? Uh-oh, here we go. I did not. Neither, because neither did she. Oh, I love you so much, Kate. God bless ya. Kate hung up. So Kate, she just hung up after all that? Yeah, she did. Well, thanks, Kate. That was very nice. So she didn't know she liked men until you. So I wonder if she meant that she thought she was a lesbian? That's what I'm wondering. Or if she didn't know she liked anyone. Because I remember when I was a kid and I went and saw King Kong and there was an actress in it who was named Escapesman. I can't remember right now. And I remember thinking, I like Jessica Lang. Jessica Lang. And I was seven. And I remember watching them going, I like girls, I like girls. And so I know her moment. I liked King Kong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Kelly in Canada line four. Helen Keller line. Kelly. She's back. Hi there. Okay, so I have to use an alias because I'm gonna trash my husband, but Jackie Shimmel, I've never felt more seen. Okay. And you just wait. Because my husband goes to parent teacher interviews. Has no clue. Doesn't know what grade our child is in. Doesn't know what teacher we're talking to. Doesn't know what course. He sits there and you only have like five minutes. It's really quick. They want to get through a lot of people. And I just sit there while he starts to tell the teacher he has no idea. Well, you know, I do homework with him every night. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand what Kelly is doing. And you're like, can you stand your language? You have no idea what you're talking about. Stay home. But oh, that looks like the perfect parent. That was not. She's gotta look like, oh, I'm selling bombs. Like you're not involved. Get lost. Oh, you've triggered some people today. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I hear the anger. I hear the anger. There's a lot of them that call me. Very angry. But it sounds like Kelly's justified. I just love I'm not alone. I would be pissed too, Kelly. You're right, Kelly. I'm not alone, Jackie. Thank you. Great, thank you. For the voiceless over here. Love you, Kelly. I have to say, like, so my ex when there were, we don't, we now do not have, we have separate parent-teacher conferences. But when I was on, he likes to hear his own voice. And he would just talk and talk and talk. And I'm like, oh, and you're right. They only have 15 minutes. Oh my God. Andrew was talking to the pool man the other day. They were just talking, talking, talking, talking. And you just wonder, what are you talking about? I just shut the door. I said, I don't need to participate in this. Just small talk. Just talking about the weather. Talking about the holidays. Talking about the family. I'm like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Anyway, Simon Rex, I want to promote your movie one more time. Operation Taco Gary. It hits theaters February 27th. And then we can get it on Apple after that, right? Yeah, it'll be streaming after that. And I believe it's gonna be on Amazon and Apple. Operation Taco Gary's in limited theaters. If you go to the social media, you could find it on mine at Simon Rex 415. I'll be promoting it. And yeah, go enjoy a funny comedy. We all need to laugh more. There's no, we're living in these weird dark times. Can we just laugh and not? How many times am I gonna laugh? I laughed out loud in reading the script every page. So that's about a laugh a minute. Okay, then I'm in. ["The Last Song of the Year"] Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis' live every weekday on Serious XM, as well as the Jeff Lewis channel exclusively on the Serious XM app.