Ep 577 - Bags On You (feat. Adam Eget)

Wow Wow West we can we can start on that that was hilarious. Yeah, dude Also that one girl who just caught a stray in the middle of that where they're like it turns out It was the mom who was texting the girl the entire time and bullying her But then they were like that one girl was always a bitch. We thought it was her So you were a con right she was like I guess I was mean That bitch Courtney Oh Yeah Nobody came out of that unscathed. That was pretty fun. Did anything happen to the kids? Did they end up like doing anything? Yeah, the daughter was real sad to see the daughter like that Like they have the body camo when the cops go to the house and be like We've traced the number. It's it's coming from your mom. Oh, it's really fucking heartbreak. Yeah, devastating. Yeah They hit her with a Joe I Was just home. That's my niece's My niece with Down syndrome. That's literally Knock knock who's there? You go Joe who's But she switched it up now she knows her best joke is not not you go who's there she goes Joe Joe who's Joe Biden Come on man, it's a modern twist on an old classic That she claps because everyone laughs she's Dude that kid's fucking awesome. She's adorable. Yeah, that's great. Yeah I got to go home and spend time with those those animals this this week. It was nice I gotta see little kids football. I didn't know they played that young it was yeah Like fucking six years old five six people pancaking no one cares about concussions. Oh my god These kids again fucking level So they sprint into each other and no one has balance. So it's just hit stick after hits But they break runs dude That's awesome. Yeah, there's like three kids that can run. I get the ball. They're gone. That's awesome They weren't keeping score though. I was a little pissed I kept the score Shamrock's one CV Eagles I thought it was all flag until flag so right Suit them up wait. What are you doing way ins or what wait? How also there's no fucking way anymore? I saw a kid a unit on like a fucking this kid must have been 200 pounds We just like not into there was the next the next kids up the next team like ponies or Peewees were warming up and there's no weight limit now. They just have to play on the interior offensive line Got you the interior line is like for real what kid that was like six feet He's huge crazy. Yeah, it was just a very very obese kid He was fucking bring it. I'm glad they're getting a shine. That's kind of nice. Yeah, it is pretty yeah I think the greatest kindergarten or right tack or right tackle or right guard there ever was they said he threatened to shoot a kid What yeah, he'd never played sports. They just got them. They just got him off the couch and The first person that hit him he was like, I'm gonna put two in your head Yeah, honky he's pulled him off the card though if you pull a kid off the car It's gonna last yeah, that's literally exactly what they said there like dude. This isn't called dude. Oh I'm gonna fucking shoot you in the head So I got that going on It's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot stressful was a flat you get a flag personal foul for death threats. No, it was a practice That was a good teammate. Yeah, one of his coaches told me he's gonna channel that to the other teams It's not for him to start away. I don't mind having a little Jalen Carter on your squad I saw it first was there a reason for that. Yeah, that did spit at him first. Yeah, we didn't know Yeah, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Yeah, he got kicked out of the he got kicked out of the game right before the first Snap. Yeah, well the first play walked into the Cowboys huddle and spit on the quarterback. Yeah, but I Hear out But Dax bit towards them Dax bit from a distance towards them Cowboys, which is a good move if you're gonna fire someone up. Yeah, I think it's easy to get nicks on the side I'm okay. I like it. I Think you get the Jalen though. That's a guy you got a target. Yeah, if you're in a posing quarterback You can get him kicked out of the game. You can get a lot of these stages in the game here in trouble Yeah, that's why you felt that's why I'm so far in the draft you guys always fucking Everybody falls right in your fucking lap. It's unbelievable. You guys had a good draft. Yeah, but the G men. Yeah Yeah, yeah, we always seem to have a good draft. It just doesn't pay out. You guys lost again this weekend, right? Dude, I mean and the Dodgers are on the I'll get swept huh a lot of tough losses this month. I'm with you. It's alright. I know this is all we're talking sports Yeah, no name going on to I know so I'm a curse. I'm a curse on whatever team I love Phillies look pretty fucking good Phillies are good, but no name Oh and to their to their losses you can take though. They're gonna go to them too. I'm channeling what you did last year Mm-hmm. So what if they just you know this galvanized the team and they come back and win? Check back in like 13 weeks later, he's like they've won literally every single game Since you said that You just pulled off a huge upset against Penn State. Well now we're talking North Texas College football dynasty You only watch so many else where you take the ball into your own hands. I had to with the quarterback I still can't believe I bet on Penn State That was a good game that was exciting I walked in I rode my bike five and a half miles charged up And then I walk in to hit you playing Texas game winning I mean the promise land on Heisman good luck true not many can do it you're on Heisman right there How do you say I'm on Heisman and you're running you're cutting through the defense like that. That's what I do a lot of guys have hobbies and families Play the computer on hard is crazy. I'm just playing with North Texas focused on recruiting I thought I guys have a fulfilling life We have Clemson in the Rose Bowl as soon as this podcast is over I'm just proud of my guys no matter what I like. I don't think it's looking good Clemson on Heisman in the Rose Bowl, but They I mean do this the way this team came together. Yeah, I was pretty impressive to see yeah I appreciate that I was hyped coaching offers. I thought we're kind of a slap in the face coaching office We're a slap in the face. Yeah, I was like I took the mean green to the Whatever the Rose Bowl fuck you started. I got fucking Purdue head coach Oh fuck It wasn't like New Mexico to I am the offensive coordinator for the mean green. I'm not even the head coach Oh, you're okay. We're just the OC dude. My cousin was fucking quarterback from Mexico Crazy Saying on fucking Yeah, Jewish quarterbacks Yeah, who knew that's why Arch Manning Running up the score Maybe they'll play the Cumberland Valley Pee-wee football team drop 40,000 on it No, but it's yeah I checked I checked the news because that over yet not at all. No, it's ripping It's just got ruled by the UN like an official genocide. No, it's really bad. And yeah, you want but we went to Chicago We did. Yeah There's some harsh videos. Yeah, whatever Really really fucking day. Oh, yes. Yeah It's a genocide. Yeah, you end up it ruled officially I've been waiting for that to call it out Yeah, the UN really Well, you don't know I don't you know funny somebody was like you don't even say free palace on I looked it up I've been saying it way too much Yeah, the Jays will get you Good They're good they could I mean they literally good. Have you ever seen me texting any of you guys? Never mind. Yeah, what nothing my love. I was pointing some fingers for something. I shouldn't even my love Chicago was Man this episode is brought to you by prize picks Man, I'm so happy we've gotten football back like what was I doing before having a life? Doubt it bro True happy as I am nothing brings down the sunday vibes like an injury Sure, the players that feel the pain but the pain I feel for my picks That hurts so much more than the pain from a guy that's trying That's why you got a play on prize picks give me that They offer injury reboots So if one of your players leaves the game in the first half and doesn't return Prize picks. I felt playing at Penn State It has a loss I'm gonna have a seizure dude Sorry, they were the first half to offer injury boots. I was trying to read that they offer injury reboots Okay, so that gives me some freedom on my picks. So I'm thinking more on Jalen Hertz rush yards And let's go with more on Christian McCaffrey's rush and receiving yards. I like the way he runs the ball He just plays the game the right way what the fuck what the hell always Always like adding a guy like that to my lineup. That's This is how prize picks adds an extra layer of fun to the game. It's a simple way and you can get it done in 60 seconds What's there not to like millions of users can't be wrong Download the app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup price picks. It's good to be right Also guys, I'm about to start hitting the comedy clubs again pretty soon I got a bunch of stuff coming out right now The only thing that's nailed down is off the hook comedy club in Naples, Florida on November 7th, 2025 Be tight and I have a couple others that'll be coming out. So stay tuned. All right I have Houston and Tulsa this weekend then I'm in Florida the 25th 26 27th then October 3rd, Baltimore, Maryland October 17th through the October 17th and 18th I met resorts world in Las Vegas and then November 7th, San Francisco November 8th Sacramento. So go to those Thank you We get into Chicago's nice there that was one of the best seriously one of the best weekends of my drill go see a ways Yeah I'm with him though. I kind of barely saw I know I saw I saw too much of it Yeah, I just got washed out. I was jamming harder than anyone possibly and I was jamming harder than But no no coming down saying what's up before the show Taking a group picture. Maybe the fattest photo I've ever taken The fattest photo possible I'm a huge like can't be that bad and I looked at I was like Let's let's not put that one I was just praying I wouldn't embarrass myself and I did you did I know I said he had picked like 14 times He was full on Chris Farley SNL Wonderwall Wembley, it was so epic That was nothing compared to the plan was good. What was what were you gonna do? Oh, right? No, they wouldn't get it But there was he did an interview with this guy Alan Partridge and he says his catchphrase was knowing me Alan Partridge Knowing you know Gallagher aha and I was gonna do that but say Adam you get and it would have been infinitely worse. I would have been so upset. Yeah Be thankful. I decided against him with an epic I think this epic was sick in all fairness the fucking shows in at Wembley were epic. So bro. I agree I stand by it. Yeah, they were for the win. I shouldn't have said it 14 times He was the person I've always been most nervous. I've always wanted to meet him more than anybody in the world He was so nice to that was awesome. He was the coolest fucking even cooler And I thought he would be and I thought he would be the coolest man alive He was also crazy knowing he had to go to a concert That was his chill level before having you do a concert fucking 80,000 people still remained pretty chill Yeah, you see him singing you'd be like he was locked in. Yeah. Yeah, they're the shit. No, they were that was the racist rules. Yeah, but uh the real thing that happened was Adam Egett mr. Fucking sobriety Our one guy who's supposed to be the sober man on the trip also Matt was with me and Billy and Spud Yeah, I figured I was like we're gonna drink a little bit like for sure. This will be an easy laid-back time Yeah, you know, I mean like for sure gonna get that crazy Spud. Maybe yeah, I don't drink you don't drink I don't know. I don't know my wheels. I would might the boulder was rolling downhill for me at that point I was for the flight was fucking intense man. The the what are they called? I'm singing the big bopper that was But mr. Subriety we're up in a box Which thank thank you to Noel for giving us that one Fucking incredible You don't want to watch it from a sweet the vibe It was you contained you can't even there was the plate of glass Yeah, the music would seep in through the little tiny. Yeah, so mr. Subriety goes. Hey, I got some acid It was like no, I'm not taking that we have a couple drinks to go I yeah, I'll take half Matt'll take half will split one. Yeah, I knew it's coming down Is a bottle of tequila Sneaks it down to the floor where we're all standing away the biggest bottle of cause of the swat I've ever seen it's like the Costco Look at the fucking Eiffel tower half of acid had probably started. Yeah, we were like this isn't doing much Let's take another full one. Yeah So now we're both on a tab and a half. Yeah, I'm free. I'm kicked in. Yeah, and I was just I Was just staying still watching but Matt was fucking going wild So I look over at one point Literally like six different big fat white guys would all just There was just the bottle on the ground and I had a tea I had my sweatshirt over it And then eventually my sweatshirt just got kicked and people would look at it and I go dude You can have some they think it was a trap. They'd be like what is it? I'm visibly tripping like dude drink that They're like is there anything in it and I'd like no there's nothing in it I would show them by taking a sip not realizing I was taking like half a shot every time Had no effect. Yeah, of course. Yeah Yeah, yeah, it was I smoked the bat the bat did nothing. Oh, yeah It culminated The shirt over his head You never took this put a shirt over your head is let it join the wind It was a side of Matt I've almost never seen it was like that was in 19 we kept being like 99 wood 2025 away I Felt like I wasn't tripping that much because I'm not used to that. So I was just like staring I was definitely highest fuck staring at the wall the graphics graphics kill the literal Wonderwall just yeah, but it Matt would be like Literally Hillary with the balloons every second And I was doing that thing where I'm like, I'm not even that fucked up look at Matt I was the highest Two seconds. I'm like did it kick in for you? I would look back if you'd be like Yeah Race the rudder raise the sails raise the sails Roger that wait is that an enterprise Read sales professionals not professional sailors with LinkedIn ads You can target the right people by industry job title and more start converting your B2B audience into high quality leads today Spend 200 pounds on your first campaign and get a 200 pound credit for the next one go to linkedin.com Lead to claim your offer terms and conditions apply the concert with the music was my favorite part Yeah, I got in there and there was when it started kicking in on me I was like I just noticed I was doing that same stuff where I'd be like I don't know man. Who the fuck designed this the artwork on the back. This shit's weird nice everything I'd see it like that's weird this sucks. Why is this guy doing that? I think damn these guys are like kind of old and then all of a sudden I was like I'm not gonna make it unless I shut down this negative thinking and I complete I don't know what happened. I flipped the switch and I just was no negative thinking the entire time. It was so nice Exactly again, I got the access to my brain and every three songs this fucking hero This legend goes walks up there and gets us a big case of bottle water I went up to try to go to the bathroom and had to take a thousand photos And then Matt came behind me with a case of a whole case of water and he's like I got water I was like, oh my god, you're an angel You're a complete angel. He's sent an email to himself at one point. Yeah Check out this Look at this email Send an email to himself about like we are all vibrations your flower is beautiful You showed me your phone and I was like I can't I didn't think I was that high. Dude, I when I first broke off for a water mission It was like there was a on the I guess like the ground level There was like a little water stand line was so long and I was in line and I couldn't stop laughing about how much it sucks To stand in line This is a part of you that believes are so important and then you stand in line It's just like a knife just hitting that part for the whole time then this guy next to me was like I don't know if he's like a Mexican guy or what but he was just like, you know I heard there we can go up the steps and get water and I was like nice move Is that how we said it? That's how we found it. Hey, man. I heard you He seemed like he was like Mexican but very American but then I stopped but then it can't he was just like Yeah, I'm trying to score some fucking coke man. I was like, oh cool, dude. Let's go get some water and we'll talk about that That's what I discovered you just get people like That was actually that helped me though with the line. They're like go. Yeah, that's nice. I was like, thank you. I'm on acid Thank you. Hi. I'm on acid. I'm on ass. I told everyone for three straight days I'm on acid. Hi, I'm on acid Kicking for me until literally the fireworks the fireworks was where I realized how severe it was. Yeah Yeah, I didn't know what once the fireworks. I was like, okay, this is intense and then the music stopped and I went Oh, okay. Well now what's my brain gonna do? And that's when KJ elephant saved us. Yeah So KJ elephant open for me we were hanging out with them a little which they were very not like yeah When he like jumped on me and I was like, I'm on acid. This is like kind of the first time I ever taken acid He was like, I got you man. I don't know how much you're helping me He's like, whoa, check out that shit, right? Yeah, it's pretty I didn't even notice that Yeah, I didn't I didn't care for the purposeful like heaviness of conversation They kept doing which I would be like, I know what you guys are doing. Oh, yeah It was you can bringing up like raping shit somebody did what somebody in the room Yeah, there was like it was like and I think I'm doing it to like purposely fuck with us I don't it was just they were being really nice. There was everybody else was being super nice They're being trickster. Dude. I had to walk out in that crowd that would have been I couldn't even my legs were like, yeah vibrating. Yes. No homo It sounds gay I just was sweating so profusely Oh, right. Oh, I went through so many napkins and I just That was the best you were dying. We're sitting in there greener. They bring us kgl And saves us. They just go here. Don't don't just run straight back to the locker right behind the stage So then we're sitting there and they're all being very nice and That you were cracking me up with just like trying to be in control like this is it This is as high as we're gonna get everything's down from here. I was like matt. We're gonna be high for a day This is just starting I thought for sure is about the wear off It kept getting worse and I was like, no, no two hours ago Just started you like that's fine. This is as high as we're gonna get I thought it was 150 degrees my feet felt like they were like my glass when glasses they were fogged up It was so hot. There was like food. He gets trying to he gets trying to have conversation too. Oh They were like, man, Chicago is great. You're like Chicago. What a great city Look over and he's got a pile of paper towels because he's sweating Oh, yeah There really were like not exaggerating maybe like 20 paper towels. Yeah, it was disgusting. Yeah, it was so funny I really tried it for a second to hide them, but ever it was like Were they in your pocket? Were they in your pocket? It was like a box of food there A stack of napkins and I used literally all the napkins Oh, there were so many there But there was uh, all of his all the kj elven bros are like old kentucky. Yeah, they were nice They're old musicians. So when we were like we're on acid, this is kind of where this is my first time Yeah, getting this high and they were like, oh, you can have a good night. Yeah, they were like real Oh, yeah, he and the one dude was fucking awesome. He's like show me. He's like, what do you got? I was like, I got one left He's like, okay. Yeah, it's gonna be about seven hours He like told you exactly what you're gonna experience and he was right I think it was more than seven. I think it was about 12. It's more like the entire day leading in the next day a little bit He said 12 and I remember sitting there being like, oh, no Then we escaped the stadium on the way out. They brought in the cleaning crew. Oh my god. How funny was that? That was crazy. It was like a parade. It was just all the the people that come into clean So it looked like just 40 it was 40 to 50 mexicans It was a small door with a like like a very narrow stairway Where they came from like an opening above down a little tiny stairway and it's like, you know You see a cleaning crew maybe 12 people it just kept going and going and we just had to wait there And then one was like Yo, it was it was 40 it was literally like 45 mexicans and then a black guy in the very end of the procession went God damn, shingles. Is that you? And it was just like oh no I think I think he's the end word which was Which was awesome, which was very funny when we died laughing and then it was like we should have used that opportunity to go up The stairs and then they immediately turned around and went and we had to wait for the 40 people to go back up the stairs Yeah, they were shuffling those. It was like a military procession. It was like they just were showing us and they were like, all right Yeah, it was a show of force They were like back up and they just went straight back up Billy Billy was leading the way out the but favorite One of my favorite moments of the night is we get outside of the stadium and Matt's like God damn, i'm telling you that fucking caffeine That coffee I shouldn't have had that caffeine. It got me all jittery Matt I just watched you party harder than anyone I've ever seen Tequila smoking It wasn't the cup of the year It was espresso martini in a cup of joe. Yeah, I know Dude, I think those oysters were off Matt's died that day it was oysters espresso martini tequila weed and then acid and he was like fucking coffee Tony coffee just I'm telling you man it was I don't I try not to touch the stuff anymore And we went on Billy leads us leads us to mill the nowhere To get to the uber I tried to take a picture of a spider and it's just oh, yeah, you're trying to identify spider That literally was the coolest spider web I've ever seen Remember there was a whole gang of people under the trees. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we kept walking and then that was pretty weird It was just an encampment of yeah, and we got into like a crossover Then we just got into a regular guys car. We got a random It was just a guy. He was yeah. Yeah, it was huge. It felt like a clown car I don't know how we all fit in that car, but I'm in the very back with you Yeah, I was fucked up couldn't see shit and it was like he was going It was like a station wagon with a third row that you can barely like fit it was that car was I had the I sat shotgun and had the nicest sat shoddy with the man I just saw the skyline of chicago and it was all Moving the town that looks like the lights were all flickering. I was like this is the best moment of my life It's a great town. It's a great town It's great. It's great time to have a cup of joe relax God Just having a nice cup of joe in chicago to relax Cup of joe guys, fucked up I don't know what to put in the bean in chicago, but god damn I still hold it. I was like LSD, not a problem, it's caffeine Dude, that's what was cracking me up. Like literally when you said it, I had a montage of what I saw you doing It was one of those joints that has like an eighth of weed or there's enormous Remember the ones uh, the ones I gave you from Detroit that are just like they're bats Absolutely, they're they're for real docks. It was so good big docks in chicago. Oasis 2025 It was so fun, but then we go back to the hotel. We're in my room. We're just staring at one painting Free beer I mean But it it looked like it should have been hanging in the loo. Like it was fucking gorgeous I did the dimensions and depth and it were crazy. It was stunning and then remember there was one I thought it was a swan and then billy's like you fucking retired. That's a rose. She's holding a rose. It looks like a swan It looked like a swan. Yeah Thank god for billy for Maybe I can send it to you after I'm gonna see if I can find the painting Free beer painting. This is nope. All right. Yep. Nope. We're not getting this That might be just one of the kind that was probably an original Yeah, I believe so, but I did wake up the next day and realized It was a dull sack of shit painting. It literally looked like it was from marshals Like that's a guarantee. That's where they got it. I think it seared into my brain because adam showed me like several days later on His phone. I was like, god, that's such a nice painting. Yeah. Yeah, it was epic It was fucking epic Chicago. What a town Towards the end. I knew it. I was writing was on the wall. I was like, uh, these guys already go to bed I was keeping the chat alive as long as possible You're trying to keep the chat alive because I'm telling dude I'm telling you when I have too much caffeine when it wears off The fucking I just get like horrible knots in my chest and I could feel it coming for me And I was like me alone in this room. It was the while I'm kind of tripping. Oh, I know kind of tripping True. We were tripping. Oh nice It's free beer, dude God the painting is fucking awesome. It's still like I still like it. It's so cheap. I still like it It does look like a swan though. Oh, yeah, of course It does look like a swan, right? Yeah wearing like a white dress. Yeah, we'll show it. We'll get it home. Yeah, dude What are you doing there, me easy? Okay, I got back to my room. It was just like nothing just pack your clothes just normal stuff, dude Just do normal stuff packing. I started packing my clothes. I'm like, this is taking a long time And I would stop and be like, what are you so what are you freaking out about, dude? I'm like, nothing, dude. Oh, if I worry about it, it was I like to hear internal monologue is an actual conversation with yourself Oh big time. It's pretty crazy. It's kind of nice. It was just kind of like, dude. We got this. Everything's cool I'd be like, hey, why wouldn't it be cool dude? Shut the fuck up Wait, wasn't that didn't you have internal monologue at the mirror or something dude? I was like, I'm putting my stuff away and I'm like, this is fucked up, dude You're overthinking this chill relax and I like went to go to the bathroom and it's caught my reflection I was like, it's all been leading to this and I just stared at myself and the whole time there's like this It was hard to explain. It was like a flash of just like it wasn't even really insight It was just like, dude, I'm gonna look myself in the eye. I'm gonna show up for myself I'm gonna be present in my own body and I was just like, you got this, dude I'm finally here and my first thought was like shut the fuck up and I was like God dammit Fuck Yeah, I was in a fun house, dude. I went back to my room and those mirrors like a plate I was like, oh no, no, no, I got caught in it, dude. I got fully caught in it and Oh, it was that was that was a rugged one and I just laid in bed with just like it felt like my Insides were completely constricted. I held off as long as I could find I was like, hey, Shane How you making out, dude? I'm fucking not doing it I'm so sorry, I was like, dude, I really I don't care nothing Nothing to add to that. I was having such a nice time. I just went and started my own shitty painting in my hotel room for about two hours and then I couldn't sleep and I just did some mock traps. See, some mock busy traps. I tried to go to bed, that was my problem. I tried to go to bed and it was just like, the feeling in my chest was just horrific, just like super tense. And then there was like, I was listening to YouTube to calm myself down. So it was like meditation, YouTube, all the stuff, relaxation, I'm playing, I'm just laying there, nothing's working. And eventually they're like, whatever feeling you have, give it a shape. And I was like, give it a color. And I'm like, red. And it's like, give it a shape. And I'm like, I closed my eyes and it's just like, this amorphous, shiny blob going in the exit. But yeah. There's a Twix box. The shape probably turned on me. It was just like, I was like, fuck, this isn't working. Oh my god, we left so fucking hard in that hotel. You need to tell the drives to. The bags, so fucking hard. You need to tell the drives to. I don't care how long it takes to set up. I love this story. You're a true police from the very beginning. I fells, get off your phones and pay attention. I can't recall. Somebody needs to hear this for the first time. I can't recall. I feel like Norm told it somewhere, but we went to go see back in like 2007, maybe. We went and saw legendary baseball player, commentator, and actor, Yooker, Bob Yooker. And by the way, he's in the Miller Lite commercial. He's in the Miller Lite commercial. What, Norm? That's where they met. No, I mean, there's a new one. Oh, yeah, he was doing it for years. So the next day we're talking about fucking the bags on you. Yeah. And I'm in a sports bar and Yooker comes on TV, I'm like, that's the fucking guy. Yeah, that's the one. What are the odds? Yeah, Yooker, he was on a famous sitcom in the 80s, Mr. Belvedere, and he was in Major League. And so that's Bob Yooker. And he's a fucking, he's literally the funniest man I've ever met in my life. So Norm and I went to go visit him when I was living in Arizona, and he was doing the improv. And we went down to see a spring training game. And Yooker for many years has been calling the Brewers games. He's from Milwaukee. And he told us the funniest story I've ever heard in my fucking life. And he was saying that back in, I think it was. Wait, tell me the Carson story too. Oh, the Carson story. So there was a brief time where Yooker did stand up. And he did the Johnny Carson show back in the 70s. And Yooker, he had like his five minute set. He kept running it. And then he went to go do it on Carson. And he was walking backstage before he was supposed to go up. And he's like, yeah, man, I'm fucking. And he cursed like a sailor. And he has a thick ax. And he's like, yeah, man, I fucking went to go do Carson back in, whatever year, was it, 76 or something. And the band leader for Carson back in the day was Doc Severinson. And he's like, I walk by and fucking Doc Severinson's, his dressing room doors open. And he's sitting in there with this fucking mountain white shit on the table. And he's like, hey, Yooker, come in here and fucking do some of this shit. I didn't even know what the fuck it was. I said, I don't give a fuck. I'll do it. So I go in there. And it turns out it was obviously cocaine. I didn't fucking know. And then so I'm in. I'm doing my fucking seventh line, I think, at this point. And the fucking showrunner for Carson, he says, hey, Yooker, you're on. So I fucking go out there and I do five minutes of material in about 30 seconds. And they give me the sign to fucking stretch. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Just seeing a pile of cocaine go, fucking, I'll do it. I don't know what the fuck it is. I got a shoe on. It's your national television. So fucking, I'll do it. So the best story he told us and I've ever heard was he's like, yeah, man, I used to play for the fucking Brewers. And we used to pull bags on each other all the time back in the day on other guys from other ball clubs. And by the way, a bag is a prank. And he called them bags. Bag, it's the funniest thing. It's a bag so funny. It's gonna be, yeah, that'll be in the language now. It's just gonna be in the vernacular forever. Absolutely. So he's like, so one day we decide, oh, this weekend, we got the fucking Dodgers coming to Milwaukee. And we said, oh, this is a perfect opportunity to pull a fucking bag on old Don Drysdale. So fucking Don Drysdale had a fucking whore in every city. But his fucking primo whore was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So we decide, oh, perfect opportunity for a fucking bag on Drysdale. So we decide he didn't know little Don Drysdale, no, I'm friends with the fucking chief of police in Milwaukee. So he's in this fucking hotel room with his primo whore. We paid that fucking bitch off and pretend like she died and had the fucking chief of police and some of the cops come bang down his fucking hotel room in the fucking middle of the night. And he thinks he killed this fucking bitch. And so they cuff him naked as the fucking day he was born. He's crying in the fucking hallway, thinks his life's over. And I walk by, I say, hey, Drysdale, the bag's on you. Any minute. Anyway, so 20 minutes later, I'm down in the fucking lobby having a drink and Drysdale comes down. The fuck are still mad. I said, relax, it's a fucking bag. It's a fucking bag. Drysdale, the bag's on you. Relax, it's a bag. The fuck are still pissed. So Norm and I used to always do this bit where we would talk about like how would be great to do a sitcom like Candid Camera called the bags on you with Bob Euker. Where he just pulls these terrible awful fucking friends. Your wife and kids are dead. The bags on you. But it's all because he was on Mr. Belvedere on you. Oh, my God. He was on Mr. Belvedere for some reason. We just kept using these old obscure actors from sitcoms in the 80s. So like, hey, this week on the bags on you, we pull a fucking bag on a principal building. Like he told me we got evidence that you raped a fucking 14 year old. But the bag's on you. The bags on you. Now, that's all allegedly we don't know if Drysdale had a whore in every city. That's all it's all funny. It's a bag. It's just a bag. It's just a bag. And then Drysdale pulled the bag. He thought it was the. Well, I don't know. Yeah, this is the most intense bags I've ever heard. He keeps going. Allegedly, the Drysdale thought that he's like fucking Drysdale. Didn't realize I was the one that fucking pulled the bag. It was my idea, but he thought it was the third baseman. And so we didn't know that Drysdale's buddies with these fucking Goombas, these fucking Italian Goombas. Yeah, a couple of these fuckers. And and we're going down there. And we're going to go play in Los Angeles. And he gets a couple of these fuckers to go take the third baseman out in a fucking limousine by gunpoint. They drive him out into the fucking middle of the desert and they hand him a shovel and they say, hey, start digging. And this guy's fucking crying, digging what he thinks is going to be his own grave. And we go, hey, now the bag's on you. This is just just for just the most evil pranks. Those are serious bags. Just some baseball players. So fucking funny. 70s baseball bags. Probably 60s. Yeah, probably. Maybe even. Yeah, it's probably 60s. Jesus Christ. 60s. Relax. So I looked up Drysdale after that. Oh, yes. It's very funny to see. Oh, yeah, it looks like a Don Drysdale. I didn't realize Don Drysdale was like a man. Yeah, he was nasty. He's an old American. He drives the bag. Oh, no. The bag pulled on old Drysdale. He was probably was. Usually, he wasn't thrilled. That hooker. Yeah, he's a motherfucker. Yeah, dude, that hooker was passed out. He's probably like, oh, rats. The broad is dead. Oh, I killed the goddamn broad. Oh, just what I need. This broad was sick. His broad came down with the heebie-jeebies. The jig is up. Just look, Drysdale. I'm going to the big house for sure. Oh, Drysdale, you're in a pickle this time. A real pickle now. Now, get out of it. Oh, shit. I'm gonna watch the police, asshole. Oh, shit. I'm gonna have to shoot my way out. Just my luck, my Primo-Hor cramps out on me. Honestly, these bags could go really, really bad. You could jump out of the hotel. Easily. Primo-Hor is such a funny bag. Primo-Hor croaking on you in Milwaukee. Primo-Hor bag. That's Milwaukee's gone wild, dude. That was honestly probably in the best Western in Milwaukee. The bag got pulled on old LaMaire. Oh, is that right? You had a bag? Yeah, a couple of fellas in Reddit pulled the old bag on LaMaire Lee. Oh, what happened? Grab the Maltesers, because that's the ping-pong-pong of Priya being added to yet another group chat. This time, it's Bristol High Reunion Hall. Wine emoji, dance emoji, poke-tongue emoji. Apparently, to arrange a holiday with 15 women who haven't hung out since jeggings. Shove some more Maltesers in because we're still debating the chat name. And frankly, have more chance of shaving a unicorn in a phone booth than the plans making it out of this group chat. Maltesers, look on the light side. The unicorn, June, 2029. You gotta tell it like you can. Are you with your primo? Tell it like you can. So I'm in Milwaukee. I just get off stage. I get on Reddit and I find Milwaukee's gone wild. Now, it's a little subreddit where they're selling orgies in Milwaukee. I say 75 bucks for an orgy. Yeah, I'll fucking take a razor scooter over the best Western. I get in there, they say, we're not in here. Thanks for the 75 bucks. The bag's on you. I'm back in New York. We're back in New York. We're back in New York. Who's there just taking off for the fucking Rockwark on $75 slider? Oh, jeez. Well, you waited. You waited for how long did you wait? You waited for the lobby. I waited like 30, 40 minutes. Something's the time. The lobby is sitting. And they were like, we can't come down now. We're too busy fucking. So you get back to New York and he tries to confront Milwaukee. He's gone wild. And they're like, actually, it's funny you ask. We have an orgy in New York tonight. 75 bucks. They're trying to pull back him again. Wow, good for you. They're pulling me once. The bag's been pulled on him a couple of times on the internet. The bag's been fucking dicked because the bag me once. Shame on you. Bag me twice. True. This time the bag's on me. The other bag, well, the mayor's been hit with the internet bag. They'll get you. Jacking off bag. Send it to your friend's bag. Where's the jacking off bag? You better be careful. You're going to want to hear this. Which one? I sent my dick to a dude on Snapchat. I thought it was a lady. Oh, yeah. Man, that happens to the best of us. Yeah. But I admire the fact you were like, go ahead and release it to all my friends. They're cool. There's nothing. You literally, so they get your Instagram so they see who your friends are. And then they go, this is who I'm about to send it to if you don't give me $2,000. Oh my god. And you go, send it while you got to send it because you can't negotiate. They're going to go, all right, here's another list. 2,000 more. I'm sorry to them. Yeah. Yeah. You can't negotiate with terrorists. You can't negotiate with these dick terrorists. He didn't even send it, did he? Oh, he sent it. What? He sent it out? He did send it out? Yeah, but nobody answered it. Like everybody was like, this guy sent me a message about you. I was like, dope. Oh, wow. Everyone opened it. Just so you know. Every single, I was fucking open. Everyone's open in that. Yeah, true. We were talking about this recently. A girl told me, because we were sharing stories about this, how it happens to people. And a girl was like, happened to my brother. And it got sent to every single member of my family. Oh my god. He was like 18 when he did it. He got sent to his sister. And it was a video of him jacking off his face in it. Oh. But he survived. People are evil. People are evil. Yeah, that's like that Black Mirror episode. And they made him do all that crazy shit. Let me fuck a pig. No, that was a different episode. And there are bags on me. The bags on my dick before it goes into the Black Mirror episode. I was just like, fuck the pig. I would almost rather have like a, if it could be like a side profile fucking the pig, then like an eye contact POV of me jerking off on the screen. I disagree. Side profile fucking pigs. That's pretty wild. Vicious. That is wild. Well, you can at least deny some culpability. But if you're eye contacting the camera like, fuck, I'm gonna fucking kill them. They're both awful options. But I still go. Checking off. Yeah, checking off everybody does. Fucking a pig is nuts. Yeah, that's all. That's an odd choice. A real pig. Yeah, a real pig. No, an actual pig. Not a lady. A pig's dead. Oh, that's different. Oh, well, yeah. Pig of no brain. Obviously, the dead pig. It's dead pig. Dead pig. They're about to, you can say you sell it later. They're gonna kill it anyway. Yeah, a bunch of Italians are gonna take it up to you. Turns out we just fucking paid that pig off to pretend it was dead. The bag's on you. He's upstairs with his fucking primo pig. I didn't even have to send the video to my family. I don't even know why I did that. I like that. Dude, show the fucking terrorists who's boss. True. I might start sending my family just non-stop. There you go. I got a trick. I gotta get ahead of this. Dude, they got me again. The fuckers got me. Keep sending videos of you jacking off to your dad. Dad, don't open it. Dude, I got Catfish Terribly once back in, yeah, I mean, 10 years ago. And my friend told me, I was like, I got a bad feeling about this. The girl invited me over. It's late at night on Tinder or something. And I was like, I got a weird feeling about this. And he's like, dude, he's like, yeah. And I'm like, I could get laid, but I might be murdered. Yeah. And my buddy's like, oh, you know what you can do is you can put the phone number into the Facebook search bar at the time and it'll show if there's a profile link to that account. I swear to God, I typed in the phone number and it's literally. It doesn't matter that they're black, but they happen to be black and wearing a ski mask. Whoa. It was literally just three. Only a nice picture. And he definitely had a gun in another one of my. I'm glad I looked that up. That's really nice. I still want it. I still want it, you know. What? No, I didn't. When you get horny, it's like, yeah. But there's probably a mistake on the website. Well, yeah, I don't work out. Yeah, that's crazy. I've been murdered. Yeah, you got robbed for sure. Yeah. It's a good way to rob people. Yeah. Yeah. It's better than seduce. Fucking red at orgy. Seduce like a married guy. They're coming to your house that way. He can't tell on you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Rob them. There you go. Take acid, rob people. It's a good podcast. Now the horny traps, the best. Yeah. You get someone in. Yeah. And you're just kind of, you can't be like, oh, I was the guy. Were you there? Be like, but you needed help moving something in the fridge. You're just afraid. But Bernie Fritz. Yeah, it was an easy one to come up with. Yeah. The governments do it. Yeah. Honeypot. Yeah, it was a classic. It was a little bit of a honeypot. Yeah. Damn, that would have sucked, though. Just to go to the apartment. Black Israel. Is he mad? Yeah. It's possible. I bet. I bet. Honey, too. I literally could get honeypotted. Yeah. I'm fucking waiting to. That's why they do it. Oh, bother. Oh, bother. Oh, bother. No, pussy. Just a fucking guy in a ski mask. I also feel like now, if they want to honeypot you, because they have your whole internet porn search history, they can like craft a scenario out of like a porn you watch. You go quickly through my stepmom's stuck in a dryer. You go. Seems fishy, but I got to take this chance. She got the facade written all over it. She says, the facade written all over it, but what if she is stuck? And she needs my help. Having a stuck honeypot would be so fucking funny. What is this? You don't know a party. Someone would be like, oh, that room? Oh, my fucking stepmom's stuck in a dryer. Don't worry about that mirror that looks like a camera could be behind it. Walk up the mirror. I know you guys are watching. I'm doing it. Yeah, my step sister's frozen in the kitchen. You can do whatever. It's just a crazy thing. It's called free use. She's just bent over the kitchen counter. Don't mind the Jewish cameras everywhere. You go home. You go home. Your dad's like, Shane, I got a divorce. This is your stepmom's. She's like a fucking 23-year-old Brazilian lady. You're like, this seems fishy. I've seen videos about this. Fucking facade. The facade keeps getting. She's so nice to me. Yeah, honeypot is the best. I mean, it is a good trap, I'll say. Yeah. It's class. You're going to get trapped. You might as well get fucking honeypot. Yeah, true. Legally. Yeah. That's all I know for sure. I'm not. Because then it's like, my thing is, if I got caught into the honeypot, I would start to be like, can we do another one? Can we do those? I don't know if you made my mind up yet. I'll never talk. These guys keep sending fucking chicks to suck my dick. The worst spies ever. I'm just lying. Just keep making shit up. Because if you get caught with one bad photo, that would be crazy to be indebted for years and years and years. It's got to be a real bad one. Yeah, you got it. It literally has to be. Yeah, it's almost like something like this is happening in the world right now. Yeah. Yeah, it definitely is. No, I'm talking about the Epstein list. Yeah. Dude, the letters. Also, now though, you can just claim Deepfake. I never thought of that. You never thought about that. You never thought of that? He said, the bag's on you, Stephen Hawking. Dude, Epstein was on the master bag down to the beach. He can't even walk. Put a couple of kids on him and take a picture. We go, hey, Stephen, the bag's on you. What do you mean the bag got me? Enough of your universe bullshit. You got to support Israel. They pulled a bag on him. Fucker, we decide to pull a bag on him. We're back at the fucking bar. Fucking three hours later, Hawking rolls in. He's still pissed. Hawking's still pissed. I'm in the fucking limbo line. I'm in the condo line with five 10-year-olds and fucking Hawking rolls in. The fucking still pissed. Is he dead? When'd he die? Two, three, two years ago? Wait, didn't Stephen Hawking just die? I think it was like three or four years ago. Really? That was kind of during all the Epstein stuff. That must have been nice to be an assassin and be like, who you got to kill today? Like Stephen Hawking, you're like, easy. Easy. God damn it. Cakewalk. Just turn him off. He just made. He just powered him down. He's saying some dangerous things. How do we stop him? I got it. I broke his charger last night. Snuck into his house. It's almost too easy. It's just crazy enough to work. Yeah, Hawking being on the Epstein, on the island. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. He was probably old as fuck, too. I know. Oh, bother. True. They really fucked him on that. And why did only two people, it was him and a magician that got released. There's only two people there. Oh, David Copperfield? I think Copperfield. I think the mysterious Mr. Copperfield. I bet he wished he could make that list disappear. 2015 email from Epstein. The email mentioned allegation from Epstein accuser, Virginia Guffrey, concerning a supposed underage orgy involving Hawking in the Virgin Islands. Oh, I thought you were going to say the best western in Milwaukee. That's the one where the mayor got locked out of, thank God. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking was really Hawking. Stephen Hawking rolled himself home $75 lighter and pissed off. You promised me them there. They had the whole thing set up on a 40 screen computer. They almost got you. Fuck you, bitches. I'm on my way to NASA. Oh, it's funny. There's actually going to be an orgy at NASA later this afternoon. $75. All right. That's a deal. Oh, man. Sick, girl. It wasn't the only two people. I feel like it was, I don't want to put smud on Copperfield, but I feel like his name came up. It was like a famous magician. Yeah, I remember hearing that. It was just those two. The names I heard. I could be wrong. I don't want to get sued by David Copperfield. Exactly. I don't want to go to the state. Maybe it was Houdini. Yeah, that's exactly it. Damn. It was Houdini. I can be wrong. I'm wrong. Hawking's having a blast. This is him on the island. There's a photo. Shit. There's a photo. They said he would have. They said Stephen Hawking's would like he would go into a room with like midgets and make them do math naked. I heard that. I don't know where else. I haven't seen any sources pick that up, but that was the rumor. Naked math for midgets? He would make little people do math. He had them in the math castle. Did you ever play that game? What do the lit things are too funny? Oh my god, that's so funny. There's some really, yeah, he's got some incriminating stuff. Why are there only pictures of him? Interesting. He was just probably stoked to be at the party. Yeah, he's just happy to be invited. He's just happy to get out of the house. Yeah, I don't think because I think a lot of the other people might have been big power players and Hawking was just probably like, you know, do you ever see like the coming of age like high school tales and the nerd gets invited to the pool? I can't believe I finally hear this. Did you guys know that the universe is fucking on there? Shut the fuck up, Hawking. Throw him in the pool. Toga. It was can't hardly wait for sure. God, that's crazy. Yeah, that's wild. It's also crazy to think about how that happens. Like if you become like a millionaire, multi-millionaire, you're like, you know, you're getting into like more and more kind of like rarefied circles. And all of a sudden he's like, dude, I have an island. We're going to have sex with children. You're like, what the fuck? There's no way they laid out. Actually, they probably did. That's another one, fool me twice. Yeah. Second you get on this second jet, you go, it better not be any kid to Jeff, you fucker. Last time, I didn't like that. During the Clinton era, that was like the 90s. Dude, jailbait was like, that was like a funny, popular thing. You're like, dude, she's jailbait. It was not like now it's like pedophile. That made it late. It was during Obama. That was like. Dude, I say it all the time. Jailbait was like. Watch the pilot of Californication. It starts with him having sex with a high school girl and being like, oh, shit, I'm such a crazy writer. And that's the pilot episode I think of this year. It happens in old school. Yeah. He fucks a high school chick. Pineapple Express is girlfriends in high school. Yeah. What was he like? How old was he? What the fuck? I wonder who wrote all those. Who's doing this to us? Why are they doing this to us? Do you think you have a wish? Remember when you saw the Twix canister? Twix was full star David. That was the funniest thing I ever. We were hitting the hotel candy. I was like, bro, I'm not joking. This Twix is the star of David. And it really did. It was like. It was like. And it really did. It was like just like. I saw into Kanye West's mind. Because then I remembered immediately Kanye has been ranting about Twix. And I was like, that's why, dude. The star of David. Twix? Twix? Twix? Is that making Twix bigger to make us fat? Twix? Shut up before you get exiled, bitch. That's still the best, Kanye. It's like, we're doing this alone. None of you are with me at all. And it's like, I'm with you guys. Shut up before you get exiled. He's in someone's house. I'm calling everybody into my hotel room to be like, I'm the only one doing it. I'm by myself. None of you are with me. Twix looks like the star of David. Are you really going to tell the story about the one that made me laugh harder than anything? Well, the other thing that made me laugh so hard was that fucking dumb Elton John meme. Elton John meme's been making me laugh. That is one of the best. What was it? Elderly couple attacked together. It was like a news headline. News headline. And it said, elderly couple attacked at Elton John concert. And then the comment above said, then stay out of the fucking pit, bitch. Yeah, that had us crying, laughing for 45 minutes. Yeah, that was very funny. Now, what was the story about the guys that you worked with? Just say it. We can edit it. Oh, we've already told about it. We told it. That was a classic tale. And the text. That was a classic tale. Concrete piss. The text, I need to get the text from the audience. You got to get ahold of the text and tell that it's a different episode. Billy can read it. Billy is like, come on. It's crazy. It's so good. He rattles it off like the Gettysburg address. He really did. It's crazy. Yeah, it was a great night. It's a classic text from just like a horrible employee, just obviously high and up at four or more. Just a nine. It's like a nine foot text. Yeah, it's a meth text. It reeks of meth. Yeah, meth text. It's like 30 paragraphs. I was just like, I would never lie to you, full real. I love this job so fucking much. Trust me, OK? I'm not a liar, OK? What I said was going on at that time, OK? Like, it's that for 10 minutes. I'm an idiot, OK? I'm an idiot, OK. We'll see. I will win. I always win. By the way, did you know that when you Google tips for coming down off of LSD, they give you the suicide helpline? Jesus. I swear to God. That's crazy. That would have harsed everything. Yeah, imagine. That's terrible. I wonder if there's any maybe tips and tricks, like a blanket or a warm shower. It was like, help is available. I was like, what the fuck? And we're back. And we're back. I'm reading a book right now called Drunks and Monks, which it's about a guy. It's a really good book. It's about a guy who's an entertainment lawyer in Southern California. And he was kind of killing it and his wife divorces him. And he spirals for like six years. He had never drank. He had an alcoholic mom. So he never drank a day. And his life at 34 just starts hitting the paint harder than anybody. Yeah, it's got to be so sick. It was a dude. It was. You remember how fun it was the first time he drank? Yeah, he sure did. It was awesome. Imagine being 34, I mean like, oh fuck. Yeah. I've been missing this my entire life. Holy shit. The problem was he was showing his ass. So he was going through divorce. He would like go to weddings. He was like making out and grinding on a lady at like 34. Falling down, throwing up. Literally. And his mom was like a recovery. His mom actually then like, his mom got diagnosed with cancer. Then she relapsed. You got to hit the fucking red nose. And got dementia. So he was like, his mom, they didn't realize the mom was already like kind of a drunk who like fall down. But the mom started shitting herself all the time. So at one point he gets like kicked out of his second wife's house and he's just with his like mom who's like, you know, is going to die pretty soon. But she actually rallied for like six years and the dad would just freak out. So he was like 34 in his childhood bedroom and he had a horrible childhood. But at 34 is in there with his dad being like, what the fuck's wrong with you? Shit in your fucking pants. Like screaming, breaking shit. Something happened. Does anything good happen? Yeah, I think he becomes a monk. I think he eventually leaves. Yeah. I think I haven't finished the book. No, he becomes like a devout. You haven't finished the book. So you're just guessing. I'm pretty sure it becomes devout Catholic monk because I watched some interviews after. Until I saw you read Vakowski. Not for a couple of years. You would really like Vakowski. I like I remember like you like this. I read his fear the one book. It was good. His whole yeah, like ham sandwiches or something. Ham or I. Ham or I. And post office women. This is nice because it's that. But then it has kind of like a theological undertext because he's constantly he like gets he just starts like singing in a choir and like a Latin mass. It's really funny. Just a drunk. It's really funny. It's really funny. I used to drink at Vakowski's bar a lot. The really they are the frolic room. That's nice. And this drinking, but not really. But yeah, I can see how you would not miss it. But there's days. There's good days and bad. Yeah. Yeah. I just read like the book of shorts. I read that one about that girl. He was fucking the like she was like a prostitute. But he like loved there. It was kind of it's kind of beautiful. It was like. There really is. Kowski fucking rules. But just a guy who's a drunk fucking mess. That's yeah. 90% of the stories are him. Yeah. It's most. Drunk bar even ladies post you get knocked out by another guy. Yeah, it's pretty. All those fucking great writers. Into someone's house. Getting knocked out. They were all literally the biggest drunk. So yeah, Hammingway fucking. Even him. It was like a. Faulkner. He's a good drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Till he was shot. Yeah. He was fucking on that. Till he got the Eagles gun. No, that was. That was. I think he had dementia. Did he? Yeah. I think he started to have dementia Parkinson's. Yeah. But didn't like I think a lot of his family. He's like a family curse. They had a lot of his family killed themselves. Also, I think he might have been, you know, throwing some jabs at women. Yeah. So maybe it wasn't the best drunk. Oh, he's. All right. He's fucking he'd have a couple and go. He's drinking mojitos too, which is funny. Yeah. Drinking mojito and be like. Yeah. He was like a adventurous drunk. He'd be like, I'm in a war. I'm fishing or something. Yeah. Kowski's literally just like. Yeah. Barfing. Barfing. That's fucking ugly motherfuckers looking at me. So I was like, fuck you, you ugly bitch. And he knocked me to fuck out. Then I woke up and puddle my own puke and blood. Shakespeare. And then I. Grave the lady. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's rough. He's not afraid to be. Jesus. Wow. She's in the book. Jesus. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Maybe the greatest writer of all time. What's what's some pros? I was fucking drunk at a bar and this fucking ugly motherfucker. I punched him in the face. Little gay poems. He writes little poems that I like. Yeah. Yeah. It is cool. It's a good episode. Yeah. It was fun. Thank you. See you soon on the Patreon.