My husband wanted to name our baby AFTER his late father and I hate it! | Reddit Stories | EP2676

Hey, this is Angie. And this is Carly, your favorite OK Storytime hosts, and we've got some great stories coming up. But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from our sponsors that keep the show alive. This is an I Heart podcast. Guaranteed Human. Rural Britain, is there any greater value out there than giga-clear full fiber from only 19 pounds a month? It's out of this world, speed and reliability, vast upload and downloadiness, right here in rural tranquility. Saturn's rings. Is that a bull? Gigaclear, faster broadband for rural Britain from only 19 pounds a month. Season C's apply. 18-month contract. Prices may rise during contract. Check availability at gigaclear.com. My husband wanted to name our baby after his late father, and I hate it. Do you hate the name or do you hate the father? My husband and I are expecting our first baby. We're very excited, but it has been dampened by the obvious gap in our family. My father-in-law who passed away two years ago. My husband is about to become a father and his role model, his dad, is not here. I've never referred to it as a gap. What do you mean? Like the gap, like she said, the gap in my family. It's usually like a hole left in our family. But it's just a gap. It's just like, oh, whoops. It's interesting. It has been a really intense few months as we prepare for this next chapter. By the way, this comes from Mac Head. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay storytime subreddit. I'm Sophia. I'm Angie. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And OP says, I am 30 weeks along and we do not know the baby's gender. We want to find out when we meet our kid, which feels special to both of us. But I also want to have a few names ready to go so we're not scrambling at the last minute. The issue is that my husband is insistent that we name the baby after his dad. This is a name father-in-law did not even like as he felt it was old fashioned and didn't suit him. Him not liking his name was honestly one of the first things I learned about him. And he was very vocal about it. My husband will not budge. If it's a boy, he wants to give him father-in-laws exact name, first, middle, and obviously last. If it is a girl, he's open to a feminized version, but it would be something awkward. Because there really are no good feminized versions of father-in-law's name. What do you think the name is? It's like, I don't know, what's like an old? I keep picturing like Bartholomew. Bartholomew? Yeah, yeah, we can call her like Bartholomew. Yeah, exactly. Or it's like really old fashioned and it's just like a bunch of grunts. It's like, it's just like, puga, puga. But if you want to feminize it, it's like, ooh, ah, yeah. Yeah. He's also not open to a similar name, like a shortened or altered version. And to be honest, selfishly, I do not like father-in-law's name. And I also have my own family members I would like to honor with this baby. I am open to making father-in-law's first name, our baby's middle name, regardless of spicy sleep, but my husband is not. For him, it is a first name or nothing. Well, let's go nothing. Yeah, right? He has told me he will have a very hard time forgiving me if I do not let him memorialize his dad in this way. That sounds like a threat. Oh my God. Yeah, I will never forgive you. Yeah. I will always remember this. You're gonna, I mean, you could have another kid. That's true. If you want to still use the name, just have some more and see if it works out. Yeah, well, one of them could be named puga-puga. Yeah. He has told me he will have a very hard time forgiving me if I do not let him memorialize his dad in this way. Part of me feels like I should just give it, maybe on the condition that I get full naming rights for second child if we have another. But another part of me is screaming no, I am growing this baby. And I feel like I should have a say too. I think a baby name is a two yes, one no kind of situation. What do you mean by that? You both have to agree on the name. And if one of you doesn't like it, then that's not the name. And you gotta keep going. Yeah, yeah. My mom always says that like the baby's name actually doesn't matter that much. Like you stress about it a lot. And then like you just pick one and then it's just the name. And then it's like the only time you stress about it. Yeah. I do also understand being like, I just, it's just the worst name ever. It's so bad. It's so bad. And he is taking her choice away. Yeah. And also like guilting her. Yeah. At the same time, I know he's grieving and going through a lot emotionally. I'm trying to balance compassion for his pain with my own boundaries. So would I be the A-hole if I held the line and refused to make father-in-law's first name, my baby's first name? And at it, I'm not going to share the actual name because I do not want to be easily identified. Father-in-law felt his name gave the wrong impression of him. And he considered it old fashioned and religious even though he was a staunch atheist. Think Enoch, Cuthbert or Jethro. All names he jokingly said he would rather have if I'm being honest, LOL. And we've got some comments from OP but what are your comments? Those are some pretty crazy names. Yeah. And those are better than this name. Right. So I was thinking it could be religious too. Yeah. But you know, and obviously it makes sense if he doesn't like that if he's an atheist. Yeah. So I'm going to look up worst religious names while you're having this thought. There you go. Because now I'm thinking of like, I mean the first thought that came into mind thinking of a religious name would be like Moses or something. Because there are obviously like a lot of religious names that are like John or Matthew. Yeah, like things like that. But normal. Yeah. I'm going to trust him though that it's, that Jethro or whatever that was is better than his name. There must be some pretty crazy things then. Let's see, we got more. What kind of name is that? Spurgeoned. Oh, I don't think this is true. I don't think they start from the worst Bible names. Someone give me the worst Bible names. They're not, I don't want to go on Facebook. Funny biblicals you should know. Okay. Okay. Anani, kinani, shamua, ikabad, ikabad, maybe his name is ikabad. It could be. That's kind of fun. Palu, Abishag, Gomur, Rahab, Hep-Hep-Siba. I think these are just like, yeah, those are just like different, different style names. Yeah. A lot of those names sound like you'd probably not be speaking English if you had that name. Probably not. Yeah, yeah. But we got some comments from a P. Mother-in-law and father-in-law divorced several years ago. So her stance is that she'd rather not have any grand babies named after him at all. She's pro-middle name, but husband just thinks she's being vengeful when she expresses that. I don't think he's listening to anyone. And it probably is because he is so in that morning period that it feels a lot closer to home. Yeah, probably. We were on the same page before I got pregnant. We had a silly shared note where we jot down names we liked and tried out different combos. But once I actually got pregnant and made it through the first trimester, he started pushing father-in-law's name more and more. And now we're at a standstill. Mother-in-law and father-in-law divorced and she's outright told husband that she doesn't love the idea of calling a grand baby her ex's name. And reminded him that father-in-law hated the name, no siblings, which probably is part of the driver because father-in-law's legacy totally falls on my husband. He always went by his given name or derivatives of his given name, which is kind of heartbreaking. He was astonished a few years ago when I told him about some friends who were changing their names in adulthood. He didn't realize that was an option. If he was like that far into his hatred of his name that he considered changing his name entirely, maybe don't name your child that name. Yeah, cause if you really want to memorialize your father, this is like a pretty ignorant way to do that, it feels. Absolutely. Yes, he's been reminded by both his mom and me, his stances that regardless of whether father-in-law liked it, it was his name. And it was the only name he was known by. So if we're gonna honor him, we should do it directly and name our baby completely after him. Didn't they just say that he went by other names? Yeah, he went by like short inversions of his name. Why don't we just pick one of those? Yeah, call him icky. Yeah, little icky. Little icky. It's not a great name. I understand why father-in-law never liked it. It's not completely unheard of, but it's very old fashioned and religious, which he wasn't think Enoch. I am because I'm open to putting a memorial name as a middle name, memorializing them with the same letter or using a similar name. Doesn't have to be same exact name or in the same exact spot. I just want to be able to do something. He won't even have the conversation with me. We had a list of baby names before I got pregnant, which included some tributes to both of our family members. His dad's middle name, names with my grandmother's initials, et cetera. Once I got through the first trimester, he started saying, I actually think the baby should fully be named after my dad. I thought we were working with the list before then. He's usually not like this. I know he's scared and grieving, and since father-in-law didn't believe there was anything after this, just lights out, I know my husband is trying to conjure him or feel him in this big moment. Hopefully I'll be able to come back with an update that baby E's been named something less stolen Amish Valor and more in keeping with my punt, but father-in-law spirit, fingers crossed. And we've got an update 20 days later. What do you think's gonna happen? I don't really know. I feel like, well, I think she should maybe should do is like leave it alone, maybe focus on other things preparing for the baby that he can have more control over and see maybe if that satisfies that want. Cause it feels like just some sort of want for control, not something like malicious control, besides the fact that he said that he wouldn't forgive her, but like it doesn't sound like he's trying to be just generally controlling, but it is a thing that comes down to some sort of level of control. So maybe if something else is up to him, maybe he'll forget about this. Yeah. I don't know. We start having him like build just a bunch of baby beds. Yeah. If he wants a religious thing, he can make a bed look like the boat from. Oh, I thought you were gonna say make a bed look like a cross. Oh God. Maybe gets crucified up. Listen, if they're not gonna, they're not supposed to move around. Yeah. If you just swaddle them in a little cry, he's like, eh. Yeah. Can't scratch himself. We're all good. You're good. Well, we've got an update 20 days later. A few people suggested that although waiting to find out the gender of our baby is a wonderful idea, knowing might be more helpful at this point because it might help my husband feel like the baby is real, if that makes sense. Those comments stuck with me, and that's ultimately what ended up happening. I'm thrilled to report back that one, we'll be welcoming a son into our lives and home, and two, that shortly after we learned the gender, my husband turned to me and said, hey, we can't name him father-in-law's name. We've had a few really great talks and he was looking at the sonogram. Yeah, the sonogram. He was like, oh, no, that's a real, that's going to be like a real person. He's going to have to grow up with his baby. He's going to be called Ichabod forever. His first grade class is going to be next to a bunch of Alyssa's. Oh, man, he's going to be Ichabod. OK, yeah, we can change it. Yeah. I know it's a thing right now for women to come online, complain about their husbands, and then be like, no, he's great, I swear. When people rightfully drag them. But I can't stress enough how much a departure the stubbornness was from his norm. Again, he was grieving. In the last few weeks, we've talked about the mix of joy and intense sadness he's felt since I got pregnant. How his role model for fatherhood is gone, and how distressed he is that his dad will never meet our kids. He felt like by giving our baby his dad's name, you'd maybe make the distance between life and passing a little shorter. He's about to start grief counseling to help manage those complicated feelings ahead of the birth. I'm glad we got there, man. Yeah. Whoever suggested find out the gender of the baby now. Yeah. Smart. Very smart. Smart. Because he saw that baby and he said, yeah, that's a human being. Yeah, I think that's very good. He focused more on a new person rather than someone who has already lived their life. Exactly. Exactly. That's such a great point. This is no longer a time for the person who's passed, but it's time for moving forward. Yes. But there is a little bit left to this story. We do have a few names in mind from the baby list we built before we even conceived. We've been trying out different combos, trying to see what the baby reacts to when we address them. The top contender shares the initial of my father-in-law's first name, with my grandmother's maiden name as a middle name. Baby boy seems to be a big fan of that one so far. And my mother-in-law's thrill that her grandbaby won't get stuck with her ex-husband's much-loathed name. And the well. Thank you all again for your kind words and affirmations. You weren't only a sounding board, but you gave me really great advice. And my marriage is stronger today for it. I can't thank you all enough. And comments. Comment one, he should honor his dad by being a great father, not with a name. Comment two says, grief does strange things. My mom hated her dad once he passed. You couldn't say a bad word against him. Comment three says, so Jebediah or Jericho? Comment four says, stuff like this always annoys me so much. It could be Jebediah. It could be. Because then he could go by Jeb. Jeb. It's not like crazy. Hey, I'm Jeb. It's not crazy, but it's not great. The kid is most likely already getting the dad's last name anyway. Why would he also be getting the first name of the dad's family too? Reply says, great that it worked out. And quickly after discovering the baby is a boy. Could have gone way worse. And if it is a baby girl and Opie's husband was still hell bent on giving her a made up, feminized version of father-in-law's name, Ike's son bikes. And OOP only gave Enoch as an example. But for discussion's sake, where would they go with that name? Enoch. Almost every version has to change the CH because any letters after that, except for R, will seem like a ch or sh sound. Enoch. Enochina. Can't spell it with an H or else people will guess. Oh, and a China or an Acheena. And I can't. Same H problem. It would look like an Oshet like it's a French name. Well, we don't have to worry about that problem. That is true. Because it's not going to be that name. That is true. I do really want to know what the name was. So do I. Just tell us. Opie, you sorted everything out. Just tell us. Fine. But that's the end of that story. And we've got another one coming right up. Yeah, we do. My husband dismissed me one too many times until I finally snapped. Stop dismissing me. This was not a sudden decision to want a divorce. I have been feeling increasingly isolated and minimized in my marriage for a long time. And I have tried to address it with my husband multiple times. I often feel like I am treated as unreliable or irrational while others are trusted without question. When I try to explain myself, provide context, or point out inconsistencies, I am cut off because he, quote, doesn't want to argue. He's like, no, dear. Be silent, dear. Not just a woman. I don't want to argue, dear. It's such a long day at the work. Over time, that has made me feel small and stupid. Like I constantly have to defend my own reality. By the way, this comes from Reasonable Resort, 441. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Angie. I'm Sophia. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We just know what we would do in these situations. So let us know what you do in the comments. NOP says, the immediate conflict involved a mutual friend of ours and happened over a FaceTime call with screenshots attached. This friend has ongoing relationship issues that come up almost weekly. She repeatedly breaks up with her boyfriend when he does not do what she wants, especially around marriage. While I understand some of this is cultural, since they are both religious and of Arab descent, it does not change how emotionally draining it is to be pulled into it over and over again. That night, I had just come home from work after a really bad day, including an interview where I felt degraded by the manager, even though I did well. I wanted to FaceTime my husband for support. Instead, I was added to a FaceTime with our mutual friend and her boyfriend without being asked if I had the capacity for that conversation. During the FaceTime, our mutual friend kept leaving and rejoining the call. What? So you're just left there with this friend's boyfriend on this FaceTime call? You're both like, you're like, yeah. Just like one person is walking to their car or something. You just hear like, right. Or you see the top half of someone's face and you're tapping. You're like, I'm doing something else. Yeah, he's like being in the call with his friend. She's not talking. Right. The final time she rejoined, the tone became hostile. She's like, I can't keep leaving the call. It's not working. Please help me. Our Wi-Fi isn't connected. It's not my Wi-Fi. It's your Wi-Fi. She said she blocked her boyfriend and the conversation escalated quickly. Wait, she blocked her boyfriend? Are we not on the call with her boyfriend? I also thought we were on the call with her. We are. We're on her call with our mutual friend and her boyfriend. Oh. Are they? Unless they're? Are they together? And then she blocked him while she's with him IRL? Yeah, she's like, no, you can't be on the FaceTime call, babe. No, like, I put up a wall and blocked him from being in this room. You're stealing all of my service right now. Yeah. Interesting. Let's see. I was texting both of them at the same time, trying to de-escalate and clarify things, but neither was receptive. At the same time, her boyfriend was on the FaceTime call while texting his dad and family and relaying updates to her about his dad's reaction to a potential wedding. What is going on? I can't even follow this, but I don't even blame OP. I think this is like, there's no other way to describe it. It's just a confusing situation. She's like, it's confusing to read, because I didn't know what was happening. Because right now, I can't figure out if they were all on the call. And then the friend is like, yeah, so then I blocked my boyfriend and the boyfriend's on the call still. And he's like, no, I'm still here. Yeah. I'm still here. Also, dad wants to invite me to a wedding. Right. This is, I don't blame you for being exhausted by this OP. This is insane. What's going on? What is happening? So they are not engaged, but the discussion focused on whether his family would attend a wedding at all. This is heavily tied to cultural and family expectations. And it was being discussed in real time, which added fuel to an already volatile situation. My husband was also on the FaceTime, but said he was quote, studying during much of it. How can you study while watching reality TV? That's like when you guys study to us. I don't understand it. I don't get how you do it. Because of that, he was only focusing on parts of the conversation and not the full interaction, which became important later. When I tried to speak up during the FaceTime to redirect or add details to aggressive questions that were making the situation worse, I was cut off and yelled at for attempting to diffuse things. That's when you just exit the call. Yeah. Then what am I doing here? Why was I called my husband? He dragged me into this. He's not even a part of this. He's studying apparently. Babe, you take over. Right. And now you don't even want me to be involved? Great. I don't want to be. Let me leave. Please. Release me from this cage. I think you just leave silently during that, and then they just keep yelling. I think that's what you need to do. Then they're like, oh, yeah, we don't need to have our phones on anymore. Yeah, exactly. Oh, we're together, actually. Right. I eventually removed myself from the call. Perfect in this. Because I felt overwhelmed and unheard. Immediately after leaving that FaceTime, I FaceTimed my husband to explain what had just happened. Instead of being met with support, I was yelled at again and told I was interrupting, not being helpful, which I completely disagree with. Because I was trying to disengage my friend from turning this into what felt like the 90th breakup of the same relationship. Because he had only been partially paying attention earlier, he did not have the full context of what had happened, and would not let me elaborate. That's insane. Can we turn this into the first breakup? Yeah, right. I think we must. Please. I think we might need to. Because if he's yelling at you for something that you were doing during the conversation, he doesn't even know what the conversation was about. That's crazy. Yeah, he's like, I don't know. You were talking. Yeah, and I was trying to study. God. Ridiculous. That's insane. That is when I snapped. I deactivated my social accounts and blocked everyone, not my strongest moment. And I will admit it was childish. I have diagnosed chronic PTSD and anxiety, and I could not see another way to stop them from talking to me in the moment. After I realized what I had done, in less than an hour, I reactivated my accounts and unblocked everyone. I reached out to my husband and felt like I was being judged for my reaction without anyone fully understanding what I had just mentally gone through for what felt like the 10th time with the same friend and boyfriend. I tried to explain everything again via text, to which he called me. He told me he did not want to read my messages because they were too long. I mean, to be fair, I don't know if I would want to read a long explanation of why my partner had blocked me and everyone when we could just call. That is fair. You could just call me and just read it again. Read it out loud for me. Just tell me right now. Yeah, very good. That is fair. It was not because he had obligations later, as he said over text, but because he did not have the capacity or desire to read them. That was the breaking point. I told him over the phone that I want a divorce and reiterated it over text. I forgot you guys were married. Yeah, this is bigger than just a break up. Oh, man. I regret how intensely I reacted, and I have taken accountability for that. I'm not ready to talk to that friend because it will go back to the same cycle of torment. What I am struggling with is whether I am overreacting to the larger pattern of being dismissed, talked over, and treated like my thoughts are not worth the time it takes to listen, or whether this situation really is as unhealthy as it feels. Also, to add context, my husband and I are long distanced due to me finishing university where I am and him being in medical school. I'm posting here because I need outside perspective. Am I overreacting, or does this relationship seem broken beyond repair? And we do have an update, but what do you think? I feel like if you have already jumped to divorce, it seems like this was kind of a long time coming. Yeah. And maybe you could go to therapy, or maybe you could have gone to therapy, but it feels like you're kind of done. Yeah. I mean, if this was the only time this has happened, then maybe it's just a moment to take a step back and be like, hey, what's going on? But I'm going to trust you that you've said this is not the first time, and that this actually is a pattern, and this is constantly done. I think the calling after a big text like that is super fair, but I do understand how that could be frustrating if he just never wants to hear your thoughts. I could see how it comes off that way. So yeah, I mean, I would trust you, girl. I feel like I don't know enough about the whole relationship entirely to make a decision for you whether you should divorce or not. But I'm going to trust you and say that too. I think you want a divorce. I think you already asked for a divorce. That is true. So go ahead. Do it. Yeah. We do have an update, though. I am putting this here to also get the am I the a whole perspective on this? I'm genuinely asking because I feel emotionally fried and do not trust my own judgment right now. The situation happened over a FaceTime call. I am also attaching screenshots of the text. Yes. Grash, I love that. This was not a sudden decision. For a long time in my marriage, I have felt minimized, questioned, and treated like my thoughts are not trustworthy. My husband tends to question or double check what I say, but he trusts other people without hesitation. Oh, peace husband is like, no, dear, the yellow wallpaper is not moving. You're just crazy. Right, right. Exactly. When I try to explain myself or give context, I'm often cut off because he doesn't want to argue. Over time, this has made me feel small and stupid. Like I constantly have to defend my own reality. We do have a little bit more into the story. Should we just jump right on it? Let's dive in. All right. For additional context, this mutual friend has repeatedly made mean comments towards me in public, including calling me names in front of strangers. Oh my God. She tracks my location, calls repeatedly if I do not answer, and I feel like I don't have the space to see other friends without being monitored. I have also felt pressured to be harsh towards her boyfriend on her behalf, which makes me deeply uncomfortable. After hours of trying to explain myself and feeling dismissed, I told my husband over the phone that I want a divorce and regretted it over text. I regret how intensely I reacted, and I have taken accountability for that. But am I the a-hole for wanting a divorce over this? I hope he needs to know if she's overreacting or not. Well, so it seems like you asked for a divorce over phone and then kind of backtracked over text? That's what that sounded like. I asked for, you know, yeah, like it feels like a, maybe it was like, I'm so sorry that was, you know, I wasn't thinking. I think you should stop doing things over text and over call. I agree. I think, I mean, if they're long distance, they would have to do things over over the phone. They are. But that's better than texting. If you're long distance, which I forgot, then let's do things over call. Let's not do things over text. Yeah, obviously even better face time. Yeah, yeah, true. Seeing someone's like facial expressions. Yeah, way better. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it seems like maybe OP was posting that update because she didn't quite get the answer she wanted before or maybe not enough people responded or something. And so she's just kind of asking the question again. She's like, one more time. Yeah. I still don't know what to do. Right. Thoughts. Yeah, I don't know. I think if this is a constant pattern, I think first of all, this is a constant pattern. It seems like you shouldn't be together. Agreed. And also you should not be friends with that person at all. Yeah. You said she was mean to you. Yeah, like constantly. Straight up, she's just mean. Yeah. She just is using you for venting support, I guess, but doesn't want your input. Yeah, no, absolutely. Like that's the frustrating thing. And if you're just the friend that she calls to complain about her boyfriend, is that really a friendship? Yeah. I think that we block her because if she's just constantly calling you, if she's not getting an answer, we block. Blocked, blocked. And then, yeah, I don't know. You could, I guess, try if there's couples counseling for your relationship, but maybe that first. Why not? Maybe individual counseling. That too. That too, for sure. But yeah, I think you have the answer in your heart all along. I think we know. It was always with you. Yes. But that's the end of that story. We've got another one coming right up. Sure do. I love my husband, but his refusal to get therapy is breaking me. Great. Now I need therapy. Hi, guys. I don't even know where to begin. I have ADHD and can't tell how much background is needed for this to make sense. I, 33 female, met my husband, 35 male, two and a half years ago. We got married despite my therapist and friends expressing that we should wait. Ooh. Those are two groups of people that we should have probably listened to. Yeah. One especially. My husband makes me feel protected, wanted, and at peace when we're OK. Oh, when we're OK. So the keywords. I knew I loved him and I wanted to be able to add him and his daughter, 15 female, onto my insurance, as my work benefits are great. And she needed both physical and mental health help. By the way, this comes from Lucy Liu, 2692 on the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. What? And if you want to submit stories, you should go to that subreddit too. I'm Sophia. I'm Angie. We're here to give you advice goofily. But we don't have all the answers. We only know what we would do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And OPS. Our relationship moved along pretty fast. They moved in with my son, 11 male, and me after only three months of dating. It was obviously a shock for the first six months with a lot of change in a short period of time. I was always open with my son. And he seemed to understand and saw that my husband genuinely made me happy. He was not against the moving in, despite having to share a room now. With your husband's daughter? Yeah, sounds like. My son is my world. My son, though small, remembers how harmful my relationship with his dad was. I have been in therapy since my son was about four years old. It took years of therapy and a diagnosis of ADHD, along with treatment, to leave that relationship for good. I worked on myself and doubted myself as a mother, as I had to work so much to give my son everything he deserved. His dad isn't very involved and is three years behind on child support. So it has always just been income supporting the both of us. I managed to buy my own home by the time I was 29. Congratulations. Nice. This is when I finally left his dad. I went through a depressive phase, feeling like I wasn't giving my son the life he deserved by trying to work things out with his dad. And then feeling lonely and burnout from working so much. Through therapy, I managed to bring myself back up, started dating, and met my now husband. My stepdaughter's bio mom isn't involved either. Her bio mom will either cancel plans last minute or completely ghost her and ask for forgiveness after the fact. I could always tell this affected her, no matter how much she would say she didn't care or wasn't bothered by it. My husband didn't think much about this as to him, at least she had one parent in her life. I feel like you should be thinking a little bit more about it. Yeah, maybe we should consider our child's feeling. Yeah, he's like, I don't know. She said she's fine. Yeah, she literally said she's good. I mean, she's got me. She can't lie. She's, it's not like she lost both of her parents. No, she got one. Yeah. Hey, it's Angie, your favorite fake redhead host here. And we're going to get back to the stories, but here's a three minute ad break from our sponsors. It's like a, it makes me feel down. I keep going under. Get that Toyota electric feeling with the all new, all electric Toyota Urban Cruiser available with 0% APR representative and 1500 pound deposit contribution and save 1500 pounds with the Toyota Electrified Saving. Visit your nearest Toyota center, Jemka Bromley. Price from 2995 available on Toyota PCP when financed through Toyota Financial Services by 30th of June, 2026. Optional final payment and damages may be required, see website conditions apply. It may be the nerd of virgins, but I'm very sensitive to the vibes around me. I could sense when things were off with her and knew she needed to speak with someone. I, do you feel like you have that? Cause I feel like I have that. Like I feel like I notice when, I don't know if it's like an everyone thing, but I feel like I, like I'm always like, oh no, they're mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get that. I get that too sometimes, but I also can't, it's hard to tell sometimes whether it's just me thinking that. Exactly. Or if it's like actually for real. I'm like, am I actually just picking up on my new little details or are they fine? Right. My relationship had a very rocky start, even though I tried my best to show her affection the same way I showed affection to my son. She was not used to this type of affection, so my husband asked me to stop. I respected their boundaries and took a step back, but I still thought she needed to talk to someone. This was the biggest factor in wanting to get married. She had to grow up really fast. She had to wake herself up, starting at eight years old and walk to school because my husband started work early. Wow. Dang. He worked long hours and wouldn't be home until late. She walked herself to school at eight years old. I guess it depends how close you are to school. Yeah. Because I lived like right across the street from my school. That would make sense. So I was like, we did that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also usually. Any further than across the street. Yeah. I mean, you would, this is kind of too late to do anything about this, but I would wonder, were there any like before school care options or something? Because a lot of times, at least at my school, there was like a pre-daycare and then like a post-school daycare. Yeah, yeah, that's true. But it's too late to do anything about that. And not eight anymore. Nope. Her routine was to go from school to her uncle's house, then home to wait for her dad. She didn't have the structure that I was able to provide to my son. She basically had to raise herself, even though my husband was technically there for her. My husband has his own story too. His grandma raised him as his mom had her own issues and was not around. His dad worked things out with his previous wife, who didn't want my husband in her home. My husband's grandma passed away from cancer when he was still in high school. He tells me stories about how he would sometimes have to sleep at a park because he'd run away from his foster homes. Oh my God. His family wouldn't take him in as he would say he and his older brother were a package deal. His older brother had a very bad temper and ultimately passed away from an incident. My husband spent two years in prison, wow, and took the time to reflect on his life and what he wanted life to look like when he got out. Once out, he got full custody of his daughter and started working long hours. I don't know if that was enough background, but I'm finally getting to the issue at hand. The many years of therapy I went through, plus my ADHD treatment really helped me self-reflect and aid it with my impulsivity and reactivity. I'm a much better partner now. I'm very self-aware, but I continue going to therapy. As the times I have stopped, I start to feel like I'm going crazy again because I get in my head. All this to say that the relationship I have with my husband is completely different from the one I had with my son's dad. My husband and I would never call each other names. We wouldn't fight in front of the kids. And if we had a slip up, we would talk it out. Things started to change when my husband had to stop smoking as a new job wouldn't allow him to. He had really bad withdrawals for about a month. I almost ended things, but kept reminding myself that it was just the withdrawals and that we could get through it. During this time, however, we started fighting in front of the kids and started cussing at each other. Oh boy. We just started going down the wrong path. That's not great. Knock it off. And if I were to have offered advice, probably while he's going through this period of withdrawals, like, I don't know, limiting the amount of contact with the kids that you have time together, but maybe that's not while the kids are there. So we just avoid that entirely. If you maybe notice yourself getting heated or something like that, maybe there's a way that you're like, we need to put a pin in this and just go by this later because bottom line, we can't be fighting in front of the kids. Yeah. I mean, I guess maybe at that time that they were already living together, I don't know. Yeah. Because I was thinking, that was my advice if they weren't living together, you could kind of go down how much you're seeing each other. Yeah. At least when you have the kids. But if you're living together, it can be tricky. It could be tricky. I wonder though, even if they are living together, they like, you know, because the kids are 11 and 15. Yeah. So it's not like they can't be home alone. You know what I mean? So I wonder if they maybe just go on a walk or take a drive or something like that. You know what I mean? But I don't know. That seems a lot easier said than done. And seems like it would be more complicated in the real situation. It does seem so. I took a step back, talked it out with my therapist and kind of rebooted. It's been one year since the withdrawals and we've had some major hiccups. At one point I even threatened divorce. I talked to him and explained things to him and he says he'll work on it, but I can't continue to be his therapist. I've asked him to get tested for ADHD as it runs in his family, to try and get treatment because I've realized that I've reverted to doing some things I used to do with my ex. I'm not putting the blame on him, but I am saying that his reactions to things trigger me. Most recently he triggered a panic attack. Prior to my ADHD diagnosis, I used to get panic attacks pretty often, but I knew how to manage them as I could tell when I was early on in one. I haven't really had any since starting ADHD treatment. This attack was not caught early and it got to the point where my arms and legs started feeling numb from crying so much. My God. I guess this is your brain's way of protecting itself by trying to deflect to other parts of your body. This was triggered when he called me selfish and accused me of not caring about anyone but myself, all because I asked for help two mornings in a row as the kids were on school break and I had to work from home. Being called selfish triggered me so badly, not just because I most definitely am not, but because he said it in the same way my ex did. After this episode, I told him he needs to seek help. He needs a therapist of his own, but he claims that won't help him. He refuses to at least get the ADHD testing done and I don't know how else to open his eyes. I really do love him. I catch myself looking at him in a way I've never looked at anyone else. I catch him looking at me in the same way as well. It really isn't all bad, but his reactions and refusal to go to therapy are bringing old things back and I don't like it. I know the person I was back then was the person I needed to be for survival, but I really don't wanna be in survival mode anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to agree to therapy? I don't see how else he can change or work on things without professional help. Yes, my male friends have even tried to normalize therapy by admitting that they go to therapy too. He's a great guy. I just see the ADHD, impulsivity and reactivity and don't know how else to help him. There is a little bit left to the story, but do you have any thoughts? I have a lot of thoughts on this situation. Me too. I think this is not just ADHD. Yeah. I think this is just poor regulation of emotions, which could be affected by ADHD. Absolutely. But I think you're waiting for him to change a lot about himself. Yeah. And that's not even in a way, I'm not even saying that in a way where it's like, oh, P, you're in the wrong for wanting someone to change. It's just, no girl, he's not being good to you and you're waiting for him to just be good to you all of the sudden. And unfortunately, it's not gonna be so easy as him just going to therapy and getting diagnosed for ADHD. Like it's way more than that. Yeah, so. Absolutely. And also I think you're giving a lot of excuses to his behavior. Yeah, like the first time it was the withdrawals and that was a year of that behavior. Which, you know, good on you, like you were supportive and you were there for him and you understood. And now it's, oh, well, he's treating me like this because he has ADHD. So we're constantly excusing this behavior that we're seeing. Right. And if he's not willing to make any changes in his life or get help, then there's not really anything that you can do or say that's gonna make him wanna do it. Yeah, because therapy, I mean, really, if he doesn't wanna do it, it's not going to be good. Like if he doesn't wanna be there, then he's not going to participate and he's not going to get better. So honestly, I think you need to, instead of asking the question, like how do I get him to go to therapy, I think you need to focus on yourself. And your kid. Yeah, and instead of being like, how do I get this guy to change? I think you need to think like, oh, how do I make my situation better? What can I do? Assuming, like assume that he's not going to change ever. Yeah. It's always going to be like this, because it might. So yeah, I would ask yourself that question. What can you do to be not in survival mode anymore? Does that mean leaving him? Maybe. Maybe it does. Oh, sure it does. I also, going back to the beginning of the story, because you said that your son who's 11 and your 15 year old stepdaughter share a room, which totally understand that there are situations where that has to happen. Sure. This one didn't have to happen because you guys were living separately at a time. Yeah. Separate rooms for your kids, presumably. Right. It's not, I think the best option to have an 11 year old boy and a 15 year old girl who are just at like, totally different points in their life, sharing a room. Yeah. That's the only thing I'm worried about is there any way that can be changed, understand financial issues are a thing here. But yeah, that was the only thing I worried about when you guys moved in together. Yeah. And talk to your son about that. Is he affected by this? Is this something that he doesn't really like and he's upset by? And while you've been, you know, well, you've been focusing on your relationship, what's going on with him? Yeah. That's what I'd be wondering. Check in with the kids. That'd be good. But there's a little bit left. Before anyone says, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I know this, but this isn't an option for me. I know my life would probably be easier without him, but I really do want to make this work. On a positive note, his daughter has benefited from therapy. That's amazing. Okay. And my relationship with her is pretty good now. My son is pretty oblivious to this. He's in his own world with his friends now that he's getting older and isn't as attached to my hip as he once was. He truly is a great kid. And I'm proud that I get a call on my son. Well, that's good. Keep checking in though. Cause is he actually oblivious to this or you know, just just check in about that. Yeah. Is that the end of that story? It is. That's crazy. Yeah. I hope it all works out. Yeah. I mean, try. But also don't, you know, don't sacrifice yourself and your son and even your daughter in this case. Yeah. Keep going to therapy. I hope that's going well. I think it is just possible. Maybe this isn't your situation, but maybe it is. It's very common for people who get out of abusive relationships to get into another one that just isn't as bad. Yeah. And you're like, oh, well, you're not exactly like my ex. Yeah, exactly. But you're also telling us that he's saying things exactly like your ex. Yeah. And like besides the point, like even if it wasn't like that, that was another thing I was thinking too. Like even if the, this thing that he is saying isn't how your ex said it or isn't exactly word for word what he said or something like that. It's still something bad. That's like, like it's not just triggering you because it's reminding you of the past. It's just a mean thing to say. Yeah. So. Absolutely. I would just talk to your therapist about that because I don't like what I'm hearing to be quite honest. Or do I? Nor do I. But that is the end of that story. Hey, it's Angie, your favorite fashion host here. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. I joked about my husband in front of our work colleagues. Now he's mad. Stop making fun of me. About a month ago, I, female 38, was promoted to a higher position at my job. I am now in a more senior position than my husband, male 41 at work. My husband has always told me how happy he was that I got the promotion, but sometimes I get the feeling that he's embarrassed that I'm technically his superior now. By the way, this comes from deleted. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Angie. I'm Sophia. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We just know what we would do in these situations. So let us know what you would do in the comments. NOP says, last night we had a work related social event. It was supposed to be an opportunity to build team cohesion and that sort of thing, but my husband didn't really want to go. He's pretty introverted. He also said he had a migraine and didn't want to make it worse. I told him that it would be weird if he didn't come. And people might think that he's jealous of me getting the promotion. After some more persuasion, I was able to convince him to come along. When we got there, he agreed it a few people, but ended up spending most of the time sitting in a corner on his own and only chatting with a few people at a time. Aside from that, the event was pretty good. And most of our coworkers were present. At some point, I was in a large group when Sarah, female 46, who had not yet seen my husband there, asked where he was and jokingly asked if he was as serious and mysterious at home as he was at work. I told them that he was the complete opposite at home. I said that while at work, he seems organized at home. He's a bit of a slob. I joked about how he always leaves his laundry all over the floor and I mentioned things like how he complains too much about random trivial things like the neighbor's kids sometimes playing in our lawn. I love that. That's my dad. My dad's always like, ah, these neighbors. Call him a curmudgeon. A curmudgeon? That's a fun word. Yeah, I know. I also mentioned how he has a fear of heights and how he was shaking the entire time when we crossed a rope bridge during our honeymoon. Oh, he's like, let me give you a list. All right, these are all the embarrassing things I have about my husband. Oh boy, have I been waiting to talk about that. Yeah, she was like, I was just wondering if he was like so serious. That's all. I just wanted to know if he could let loose a little bit. And she's like, and another thing, he wet the bed. Yeah. I did say a few other things like how I sometimes feel like I'm his parenting. Okay. I feel like this is maybe too far. I agree. Yeah. One or two of these things. Yeah. Okay. I keep going, he's so messy. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. It might be, I can't tell how I would feel if I like wasn't there when jokes like that were happening. Yes. So I feel like Riley teases me about stuff like that all the time. Sure. But usually I'm there. Yeah. And then you can be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. You can back yourself up. Yeah. And still kind of like play into a joking kind of thing. But, but not being there. Yeah. It just feels like you're insulting your partner. Right. Especially too that the list has gone on for so long. It goes on for too long. Too long. Everyone was interested and surprised to hear all of this. And we did share many laughs together. Yeah. Now it just feels like you're laughing at your partner. Yeah. At some point, my husband walked into the conversation and quickly pieced together what we were talking about. The rest of the conversation was awkward after that. On the drive home, my husband was not speaking. When I asked him if everything was all right, he said that I surprised him. I was annoyed by him being vague. So I told him that I knew that he wasn't feeling 100%, but that he was acting childish for not socializing and acting offended. Girl, again, which is going too far. You're making this worse. He says one thing and she's like, well, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of being, he's like, mom, you just, I don't know, you just kind of surprised me. And instead of being like, why? What do you mean? Tell me more. She's like, oh, you're always acting like a child. I'm your mother. Right. Too much. He said that it was childish and rude that I was sharing his personal details with our colleagues. I then told him that he was blowing things out of proportion, but he didn't respond. And the rest of the ride was silent. Yeah, you're so in the wrong here. Yes, our girl. Ooh. When we got home, we argued again about the night's events. My husband said my behavior was appalling and that he questioned if I had any respect for him. It doesn't feel like it. Yeah, honestly. Yeah. I was angry by his outburst. So I told him that he was only being sensitive because I was technically his superior now. And that was really bothering him. Oh, you cannot quit. Honestly, you guys need to go to therapy now. And you need to learn how to communicate to each other. Has he ever said that? Or have you just assumed that he feels weird because you're his superior? Right. If he's never said that, and then you come out with a, well, this is just because I'm technically your boss. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like when we start in an argument, when we start telling other people how they feel and why they feel that way, that's a problem. We can't be doing that. Even just telling someone how they feel is bad. Yeah, telling him that he's wrong for feeling upset that you were dishing all of his personal information. Yeah, I think we need to stop calling each other childish. This is just basic rules of communication that we can practice and learn. Yeah, I also really hate the insult of like you're acting like a child. Yeah. You're actually with like a partner when you're trying to have an adult conversation and then to jump to that you're acting like a child. Right. They're not a child, they're an adult, and if they're upset, if they're angry, if they're throwing a tantrum, it's not a child throwing a tantrum, it's an adult. If you're trying to have an actual conversation with them, let's not jump to name calling. Exactly. Let's actually try and work through this. Exactly. The argument ended there as my husband didn't want to quote, to waste any more time and went to bed. This morning I texted my younger sister what happened and she accused me of being insensitive. Am I the a-hole? I mean, do you have an update? Yeah, we've kind of spoken of mine on that. I mean, obviously there was a moment where he called you childish and stuff and maybe he wasn't fully communicating in the best way, but I do think you're more in the wrong. Agreed. I think you were being pretty insensitive. These are just not how we communicate. That's all. That's all. But we do have an update. I'll start this post off firstly by saying I was completely in the wrong. Cool. Wow! Opie said, I looked at all the comments saying that I was the a-hole and I have come to the realization that I was the a-hole. There are zero excuses for how I treated my husband that night at the work social. He is without a doubt the personification Okay, okay! You don't have to cater to us. He's like, I lied, he's perfect. Right, right. I have no critiques. No critiques at all. Honestly, at times I find myself wondering if he's too good for me. He's the kindest person I know. He's incredibly supportive of me in every way. He's funny, he's very intelligent, easy to talk to and yes, he's also very good looking. Okay. Yeah, now it feels like you're trying to prove something here. A little bit of a pig compliment. Right. I feel heartbroken about the things that I said, especially about the fear of heights thing. My husband only bothered overcoming it and crossing that rope bridge for my sake after all. Is this your husband writing this? Right. It feels like your husband logged into your Reddit account and was like, he's so hot. And he's not afraid of heights. He was trying to help me. Right. He did it for me. Yeah. He was actually really brave of him. Right. After reading the comments I received and doing extensive self-reflection, I profusely apologized to my husband and told him that I do love and respect him. I apologize not only for the things that I said that night, but also for my general behavior since I got my promotion and my accusations of him being jealous. Being him, he accepted my apology immediately and even said that he had already forgiven me because he considered my actions to be a mistake rather than intentional. Wow. Okay. Your husband is so much nice and he's a better than you. Yeah. He then actually apologized as well because he thought that he had spoken out of anger and escalated the situation when we got home. There is more to this story, but okay. Now we're getting to communication. Yeah. It took us a minute. Yeah. It took us a minute, but we got there. I hope that this isn't just like, you know, people pleasing going on. I hope not. I hope that every time she, you know, makes a mistake, she doesn't have to come to Reddit and be like, oh, yes, you guys are right. But there is more to this story. Since then I've been trying my best to be worthy of him. He told me that we should let the whole thing be in the past, but I think I always cringe when I think back to that night and the time leading up to it. Things at work have also been pretty smooth. My husband doesn't mind going in and chatting with our other colleagues. Yesterday he in fact expanded on the rope bridge story with one of our colleagues. So I think he's comfortable. He's like, wait, wait, wait. I gotta, I gotta explain. I wasn't afraid of heights. Right. There was a whole other part of the story. It was just really shaky bridge. And it was really windy that day. That's why it was shaking not because of nerves. That's all. Yeah. Now I'm really just hoping that I can be as good of a spouse as he is. And that's the end of that story. Well, like, Septence is the first part of the battle. That's great. You apologize. That's good too. Yeah. That is great. I think we gotta back off this guy being introverted, right? You said he was talking to a few people at a time. Yeah. Listen, that's how parties work. Absolutely. Absolutely. We talked to everyone at the party. We don't need to be like in a dance circle, all right? Or like speaking to a whole crowd. Yeah. That's okay. It's all right. Let our guy be. Let him be. But that is the end of that story. We've got some comments coming right up in just a second. Sure do. All right. And we've got some comments from the video. I confronted my cheating husband. Now he's threatening to hurt himself. Ooh, oh my gosh. And this was posted January 24th, 2025. And this TLDR comes from Story 2. Opie's husband started a new business that makes him travel overseas almost all the time, leaving her alone with her two young kids. When she visited him, something felt wrong. So she checked his phone and found over 100 numbers and chats with young women. Oh my God. He said they were just conversations to help him relax. But Opie doesn't know if she believes him. She even tested him by pretending to be one of the girls and he agreed to meet before blocking the number. Now Opie feels betrayed but doesn't know if she should leave or try to fix things. And if you're curious to know the full story, you can go watch the full video. Oh boy. I vaguely remember this story. Yeah. But we've got some comments from Relluki who says, when I was 17, someone once congratulated my dad on having a girlfriend so young. They assumed I was his girlfriend and they may have mistaken me for a little older because I was in a pencil skirt, blazer and shirt, my school uniform. We no longer had to wear the school logo in sixth form but still had a uniform. My dad was thrilled that someone thought he could pull someone so young. I was disgusted. Oh my God. I'm disgusted. Your dad was thrilled? And also you were in a school uniform and no one noticed that? Yeah. Obviously my dad immediately clarified but he was too flattered to see the issue. Bro. Yikes. I had this conversation in my ear shot but not with me stood with them. I hate that. I think men tend to treat other men like dating someone younger as a status symbol but ignore the fact that doing so tends to blow up lives due to how inappropriate it usually is. The OP in the story is so desperate to be part of the family and bring them peace. The father is the one who should know better. Unfortunately, if OP is of legal age and there is no evidence of grooming, legally he is in the clear if not morally and socially. Is that? Oh, I don't know. Yeah. I don't remember too much of the story to comment on that. Yeah. Comment too from child of the one true almighty God says story two, you're too focused on outside factors. Your man is cheating on you. He is disrespectful of you and your relationship. It's over. He can still provide for you and your children without alimony and child support. Get the house. You're in denial and are being delusional. You were never best friends or he couldn't have done that to you. This is so sad. The next generation is being raised by a bunch of liars and cowards and people wonder why the world is imploding. And there you go. Dang. I mean, hopefully you leave this guy or you left him, I don't remember. Yeah. But that's the end of those comments and the end of this episode. So if you love us, make sure to subscribe. We love you and see you tomorrow. This is an I Heart podcast. Guaranteed human.