Chapter 49: The Signal

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But then again, I am not Effie Muckleway, now am I? So, I imagine I'm allowed to lay the tracks of this train while I'm driving it. Are you still a Christian? Oh yes, absolutely. No matter how odd the life of the Mucklewaynes becomes, I can still feel him out there in the darkness, Ava. In all things. I do not know what I am, Clementine. I have come to think of it as... Imagine shouting your name into a canyon. And then, after a moment, your voice comes back to you from the other side of the canyon. But the echo doesn't stop there. It continues to travel down the canyon saying your name over and over again. And then in a strange moment, that echo of your voice somehow finds a voice of its own. It begins life as an echo of another, but then comes to grow into a new being entirely. with thoughts and feelings independent of the one who once shouted its existence into that canyon. Look at all those stars, dear. Hard to believe one of them is ours. I must say, dear, after all this time and the things we've seen, I feel as though they are all ours, in a way. All my talk of back home and longing for the farm But in truth, we are home These wide expanses full of so much wonder Are we not as at home here, floating through it all as we've ever been back in Arkansas? I suppose we are, husband How about that? Born on a farm and now riding atop the back of a ship that sails through the stars It's a good life Yes dear, it is Thank you Lord for this life Let's start the shift Once upon a time, there was a signal. Speeding through the vastness of the stars, with the speed of a beam of light, it flew from star to planet to moon to the blackness beyond. The signal was nothing, merely a pattern, arranged information. And yet, it was lonely. Though I am nothing, I want. Though I am invisible, I wish to be seen. And with that utterance, everything changed. One signal was now two. coalescing frequencies combining at intersections and radiating outward. The signals could create harmonies, complexity. They could sing. The song became skin. The skin became flesh. Flesh and bone and spirit and speech. The signal became two minds, standing on the earth seeing each other for the first time seeing itself through each other one would become a boy peering over the tips of tall grasses watching her approach the other would be a girl sunspots across her cheeks a doll in her hand knowing she was being watched and wondering why. They then stood together hand in hand surrounded by family and friends smiles and crying children and holy words as the sun set. They then stood in an empty house creaking floorboards in history Then the house was full of books and tables and chairs Old pots and pans, animals rooting through the dirt outside And then there was a man A man they'd never seen before At first glance, easily forgotten but he distinguished himself through his loneliness. They understood loneliness. It was how they came to be. They would sit with the man, speak with him, tell him stories but his solitude was difficult to dispel. Then another arrived and became his friend. then another and another and then all of them together they would see many things go to many places learn more and more about the people they had become it was more than they had begun with they came from nothing once the collection of waves and information, and now this. Two souls in love. They began as nothing. They knew one day they would return to nothing. But for now, they would be this. And they will call it a life. And that was The Shadows Fall by the choir of Monsignorella. Here's hoping the delicate tones can soothe your rattled nerves as we careen through the starways. Funny to think of myself as piloting a ship through the stars like this, a simple man like me. You see, as a boy, I grew up far from any ocean. And the thought of me navigating the waves seemed a far-off notion. It arrived there. Much less gliding across the night sky as we are now. Yes, I've been out of my element for as long as I can remember. But worry not, my vehicle passengers. I've taken to this starry sea as if I were born in the life. Not much to it, really. I point myself in the right direction, and off we go. Now, I can play all the music I see fit, but I don't imagine any of that will do much good to calm your disposition so much as the truth would. So let us be honest about our predicament. You are our prisoners. There's no other way of saying it. You have wisely laid down your arms and offered surrender, and you should be commended for it. You shall be treated no less human than any other. There will be more to say on this as we approach our destination. For now, take comfort in the fact that you have chosen the way of peace. I'm Zebulon Muckleway, here with my wife, Effie. Hi, y'all. I'll take it from here, husband. Very good, dear. Now then, let's wring some of the dirt out of the dishcloth, y'all. You've come to find yourself aboard the SS Return to Cinder. We ain't no warship, in case you're wondering. We are a mobile hospital transport and search and rescue outfit. We heal the sick and find the lost, and that's it. And from time to time, we find ourselves transporting prisoners such as yourselves. Some may see this as a distortion of our benevolent mission, but let me emphasize the following notion. Y'all have, quite recently, aligned yourself with the legions of evil. And if that don't make you lost and sick, well, I don't know what does. So make yourselves comfortable. We've got hills and valleys to cross. Oh, and one last thing. in case any of y'all got aspirations towards stirring up a mutiny, keep in mind that I got two fists on this here iron body. Don't make me put your names on either of them. Much had changed since the simple days of creaking boards in an empty house. It seemed as though the more people they brought into their house and into their lives, the more complicated things became. Kennedy Allison Farner, how are you doing? Karaoke in the mess hall tonight? Are you going to be there? Come on now, I want to see that chair impression I've been hearing about. Attention all ships, Earth 619 is free. Now that's what I'm talking about. Now karaoke is mandatory, y'all. I will be doing prints, it will be from the Dirty Mind era. Prepare yourselves. Let freedom ring, everybody. David, you're late. I was busy celebrating our victory. There'll be plenty of time for that later. The spirit movement. Can the spirit move you to your station, please? Yes, ma'am. Hey there. Hi. You're new. I am. David, this is Major Cass Williams. She's our newest recruit. Welcome. Thanks. Where are you from? Earth? Most of us are from Earth, Cass. Right. I guess you guys are calling it Earth 2012? Ooh, 2012. Been there. How are you holding up? How am I holding up? About two months ago, I learned that I was a pawn in a galactic war and that my entire life was a lie. So. So, pretty good. Sure. How'd you end up here? They drafted everyone in the astronaut program to serve on these things. They're called Vesnas. We steal them from the bad guys after we run them out of town. The bad guys. They were a little light on that information. Who are the bad guys? For a while, we just called them the mystery men. Turns out they're called the Primislet. Primus Lid. Okay. When do they show up? In a certain sense, any minute now. David, if you could pause your charm offensive, please. We're about to execute the maneuver. Yes, ma'am. What's the maneuver? We're all going to stand up and do the electric slide. What? David. Are we not? Major, every time we liberate a planet, the enemy retaliates in the form of a massive cascade of energy from their home world. We've been losing a lot of ships. I think we found a way of combating it, but it's going to require some nimble piloting. Don't worry. The nimble piloting isn't us. It's those guys up front. Those guys up front are aliens. Indeed. And she is too, Kazi? Correct. Okay. You could try clicking your heels together three times. Maybe you'll go back to Kansas. I already tried that. Here we go. Okay. Incoming attack from Homeworld. Two minutes out. Thank you. broadcast to the entire fleet. Broadcasting. Attention all ships. We have an incoming bombardment. You all have your orders. Position all ships at the mouth of the warp tunnel. Warp tunnel? Up on the screen. See it? Jesus Christ. It's how all these ships get around. All ships, prepare to dive. Are we about to get killed, David? Not if you do your job right. David. Kidding. When I give the order, we're all going to dive into that warp tunnel to avoid the energy wave. Why don't we just do that right now? If we do it right, when the energy wave arrives, he may be convinced that he's destroyed us. Who's he? Hazi's dad. What? Eyes on your screen, Major. Yes, ma'am. Fifteen seconds. Everyone hold. All ships die. Here goes nothing. Folks, I want to tell you About my trip through Arkansas And what I hear about Jimmy D One time broke the law They say the night was to me My goodness, how fares our misguided souls, dear? They are scared right out of their socks, I tell you. Not hard to imagine. Husband, I am beat. Have yourself a sit-down, dear. We're nearly at our destination. Don't mind if I do. Sergeant. Oh, yes. That'll do just fine. Sure could have used that iron body of yours when we put the new roof on the barn. Oh, there is a whole host of things I could have done better in life if I had been made so metallically, dear. Yes. Seems a thousand miles away these days. And then some. It's to our benefit that that old farm holds up all right when it's neglected. But the weeds... Oh, the weeds. We've got a week or two of weed pulling upon our return, that is true. Our return will be bittersweet. Yes, though, there is a distinct possibility that I may miss your company, dear. But I'm right here. and your voice is ever so soothing, husband. Seems I've grown accustomed to your physical self being sat right next to me. Well, I'm blushing. You shut your mouth. Our friends appear to have arrived. About time. Oh, my. Looking a bit more haggard than normal, I see. Oh, yes. They have taken their lumps. Hey there, y'all. It's the Mucklewaynes. We got a fresh batch of the Misguided. Come back. Welcome back, you two. Well, hello there, Labuza. Y'all look like you got put through a wash or two. We have. I'm afraid we have a problem. Shall we dock with the flagship, Labuza? That's the problem. We don't have one anymore. For reasons they may never know. The signal that had become two had settled into a simple life, one of farms and sunsets, little rivers through lowlands and old vehicles with sputtering engines. It was a life they imagined for themselves. But as life moved forward, they found that life changing. It was one of danger and strange journeys. It appeared now that this life they imagined was only the beginning. And the longer the road traveled, the more unfamiliar the territory. But how many of us can say we live the life we imagined? Lord, this place gets more ungodly every time I walk into it. This is what it takes, apparently. Hello, Zeppi-Lon. Hello, dear. It's always nice that I can see you. It's a great comfort, that. Always such a ghost to everyone else. How's he looking, Labusa? He hasn't gone and grown a mustache since I last laid eyes on him, has he? He's exactly as you left him. Good. Labusa, you've got yourself attached to more nonsense than a marionette. I'm sure it looks ridiculous. It looks painful, dear. It's not. I have to stay connected to this tech these days. It's the only way to stay ahead of him. Half the ship's power goes to this room now. My food and water is intravenous. Well, remind me to make you a chicken fried steak when all this is over and done. Oh, that sounds lovely. One for me as well, dear. Labuza, we are in a bit of a crisis, I hear. I'll start with the good news. Kazi and David are alive. Thank you, Lord. What's happened to them, Labuza? We had this problem. Every time we liberated another Earth, Kroc would fire an energy bombardment from the home world and try and kill us all. We kept losing ships, so they put a plan together to try and avoid the great big death ray by ducking into a warp tunnel at the last second. And maybe for a while, he'd be convinced that he actually destroyed us. Well, from the looks of things, that didn't go to plan. Actually, it did. We're pretty beat up, but we only lost one ship. But it was Kazi's ship. The flagship. And the ship where David performs his duties. Well, wherever they are, let's go and get them. I'm afraid it's complicated. The Boozer, if there's anything we've grown accustomed to, it is complexities. Their ship is disabled, and it has drifted into a nearby nebula, just outside the entrance to a warp tunnel. Well, let's yoke up a mule and get on out there. That's where the complexities come in. It's a trap. Lovely. Croc's forces know her ship is there, and they're waiting for someone to come save her. Well, ain't that the coward's way of doing things? If Kazi were here, she would, of course, tell us not to take the risk. One moment. Kazi? I don't think she can hear us. Well, that's decided. The decision is one thing. How we do it is another. Kroc's forces are deliberately mindless. He likes them that way. But from time to time, he'll let a few of them develop their own style and personality. There's someone waiting for us outside that nebula. He calls himself Vodnik. He's taken several of our ships off the board already. How long do you reckon we have? Not long. Her ship is badly damaged. If we come through that there are tunnel guns a-blazing, we're a cooked goose. We need a vehicle that's small enough to miss. I know a ship that fits that bill. Your ship is a search and rescue ship. It doesn't have weapons. We're searching and rescuing it. Wait, this is a terrible plan. Labusa, you are right. It is a terrible plan. And yet. And yet. I think it's the right one. Then it's decided. I'll bridle up the horses. And where is Tita in all this? Tita is across the galaxy dealing with a particularly stubborn planet. She wouldn't get here in time. How's everybody else doing, Abuza? I don't imagine Liz and Kazi has been a tranquil thought. They are on edge. Hmm. Sounds like everyone needs to set themselves down for a talking to. At least. Zebulon? Yes, of course. Attention all ships at sea. Zebulon Muffleway here I imagine a good lot of us are feeling a certain way at the moment Can't imagine how you wouldn't be Effie and I have just arrived And we are working hard to get the long and short of things In the meantime, let's not drift too quickly into the realm of imagination All we know right now is all we know For the next bit here, throughout the performance of your duties, let us all focus on what is and not what might be If there's something right in front of you that's broke, do your darndest to fix it But let's not imagine a great number of things that have been broken before we know what's what It's a great gift, that imagination of yours Let's not turn gifts into curses Thank you. I can't talk much longer. I have to stay focused on Kroc. This will have to be the plan. How you get in and out will have to be decided by all of you. Let's get to planning then. What else can I do? Before we go, I had a notion. A notion. Okay, what is it? Well, I've been steering our heavenly sled all over the skies for a bit of time now, and I've noticed something quite unusual about the particular waters we sail on. It appears that any old push or shove is enough to move even the largest of boats. Yes, it's space. There's no gravity or wind resistance or anything. Yes, well, I was thinking, these engines of ours, they make such a ruckus. Perhaps, if we're to be tiptoeing our way into rescuing our compatriots, there's a way to do so more clandestinely. Okay, how? Well, with the air we breathe, of course. The air we breathe? You want to use oxygen as a thruster? Not to get up to any speed, just to move port and starboard. Well, you need oxygen. You both don't need oxygen to breathe. It's true. In our current state, Effie and myself only need the comfort of each other. Not much else. I see. So you want to what? fill up your ship with compressed air? Is such a thing possible? Uh, I don't know. I can talk to the engineering pit, see what they can do. Wonderful. Good luck, you two. Labuza, you take care of yourself. I don't like the pressure that's been put on you. You do your dangerous thing, I'll do mine. Fair enough. Zebulon, how's our mighty seed looking? She's almost watered in bed. Be ready for a hard ride right soon. Zebulon, I should have wrapped that boy up in a blanket and locked him in his room for the duration. Now look at him. David is his own man, dear. There's only so much we can do. We made a promise, Zebulon. Promises is what the world is made of. The walls come down without them. Which is precisely why we will bring him home safe and sound. There is something at the center of all of us. Call it what you like. Beliefs, modicums, tenets, rules. We see them as part of ourselves. And yet throughout our lives, how often is this unknown center of us, this core of who we are, how often is it tested? How often do we truly need to wrestle with it? So often, all we need to do is believe The signal had become two Then those two became beings And those beings had a center A center made of ideas Right, wrong, mercy, forgiveness Beauty and ugliness With every step they took into their new life, the center was tested. And they approached each test without fear. Let me be like the sword in the forge, they would say. With each ring of the hammer, let my substance become stronger. Hello? Cass? What happened? Looks like the fleet made it through. With one exception. We're the exception, I'm assuming. Yeah. Are you okay? I'm alright. How are you doing? I'm conscious. That's all I've got for you. Where is everyone else? They tried to make it for the escape pods. We stayed behind. Okay. I remember now. Oh, shit! Oh, what's up? I think my leg is broken. Oh, God damn it. Stay put. Good idea. I'll see if I can find a first aid kit or something. Okay. Where's Cosby? David. She's here. Is she gone? I'm afraid so. Shit. Then we really are screwed, aren't we? Okay, we're alive. That's all I can tell you right now. Fuck. Well, this was short-lived. What was? My adventures in space. And now here I am about to die. Oh, you little face. Oh, shit! Is she okay? Kazi! I'm all right. Just don't touch me. Okay. Kazi, you're not looking great. How the hell did you survive that? It's what I do. What's the status of Major Williams? I'm okay. She's got a broken leg. All right. I'm not going to be able to walk for some time, so it's best that the two of you be ambulatory. That would be great. You'll need to move her closer to me. Okay, her leg's looking pretty bad. Which phone? Upper one. Femur? Yes. Clean break? Looks like it. Please stop describing my broken leg. David, I taught you how to set a bone. Do you remember? Sadly, I do. You'll need to set the bone and drag her over to me. Oh, shit! Okay, so we don't have a robot doctor or something? This will be faster. Shit! You hear that, Cass? Yes, and I really hate it! Okay, sorry. Uh, Kazi, have you got a bottle of tequila around here? I don't. Hard way it is, then. Hello there. My name's David. I'll be your doctor. Fuck you, doctor. Are you ready? David, are you married? I'm not. Okay. We're going to have to get married after this, because the How We Met story is going to be too good to pass up. Yes. I'm a gay man, but I would marry Abe fucking Vigoda to get out of this mess. That's the spirit. You want something to bite down on? I'm biting down pretty hard on my pride. That should do the trick. Okay. Here we go. Three, two, one. At a certain point in their travels, the two began to be regarded as antiquated. The lives they had chosen were considered by some to be out of date. Personas that belonged in a time gone by. Some saw them as simple or even naive. They worshipped old gods and made lifelong promises to each other when they were hardly past childhood. In the worlds they often found themselves in people saw such things as foolish or childish They paid no mind to any of it So many ideas fall in and out of favor as the ages rise and fall Through all of it, there was something within them that kept them hewn to their promises. Despite the complexities of infinite worlds, there was something within them that found comfort in a simple thing. And how hard that simple thing can be. An idea as simple as taking someone by the hand and saying unto them, Change all you wish, my hand will still hold yours. You know, dear, traveling through these tunnels reminds me a bit of Jasper Weymouth. Jasper Weymouth? Yes. Jasper Weymouth was a bootlegger, dear. Yes, he was. No one knows the back roads like a bootlegger. Yes. I don't believe he'd ever taken a state road in his life, that one. I recall he claimed that he'd found the fastest route from Fort Smith to Branson. Oh, yes, I remember. What was that he called folks after he tippled a bottle or two? Boone Companions. Yeah, that's the one. My Boone Companions, he would say. I have unearthed a golden road Twixt of Arkansas and Missouri Nary a constable upon it Ha ha ha Only man I knew whose feet got sharper As the bottle got lower A surprising passion for shortcuts Matt Jasper Anyone ever, uh, said that If he was speaking the truth or not? Yes Turns out It wasn't a shortcut at all But rather He found himself in Eureka Springs and only thought he was in Missouri. He thought Eureka Springs was in Missouri. Didn't even know he was in Eureka Springs. Stabular, there is a big old sign outside of that town saying, Welcome to Eureka Springs. And if you take the back roads as Jasper does, You miss the sign entirely. You do. A good argument for taking the road well-traveled. Jeffer set himself down a good 20 miles from the border and said to himself, Here I am, Missouri. He was only 20 miles away in his defense. Oh, Lord. Our people. We're a special bunch. We're out here in the great beyond. and it made you think of Jasper Wayman. Funny that. I bet old Jasper would have found another path for us in our current predicament. Sometimes there ain't no shortcuts, dear. Speaking on that, we're coming up on it. All right. Now, what was this idea of yours? Well, first off, tamp down the noise of these engines. We're going to need those for flying this contraption, dear Labusa has done us a service And given us a surplus of good old-fashioned breathing air I'll use that to move us hither and yon from here on out Like Odysseus on the sea I shall loose the strings on my gunny And unleash the western winds You're getting dangerously close to me calling you a windbag, dear Away we go. Where are we meant to look? Labusa told me they would be there in that great red cloud. They drifted into that mess, and we are approaching it now. Of course, if there were to be an attack, it would happen right about now. Secure yourself to your seat, dear. I shall. Almost there. Oh, hell. Trap confirmed, dear. I noticed. Just a few more moments. If we got them to spare. We're safe, dear. And about as blind as your grandma. We'll hide here and figure out our next move. Whoever this miscreant is, at least he's doing what we expect him to. Welcome all to my little corner of the galaxy. My name is Vodnik, and I shall be your executioner today. How shall we do it? Slowly or quickly? They both have their merits. We appear to have met our adversary. Do you know what I love about this little trap of mine? It's nothing new. You leave an injured one crying for help while the others are lured in by their screaming. It's a trap that doesn't disguise itself. It plainly says to you, I am a trap. And yet it lures them in regardless. No deception on its face. But it is deceptive in other ways. Every trap has its bait to lure you in. But believe it or not, my new friends, the bait of this trap is not your imperiled friends. The bait is hope. You see the trap plainly, but it's hope that draws you in. You hope against hope that you'll be the one to outsmart the trap. So, I ask again. What shall it be? Slowly or quickly? And he appears to be a talker. Why hide in the nebula, my friends? Come out. Come out and see me. I'd express my frustration, but we knew what we were getting into when we shoved off. Effie? Well, if it ain't our damsel in distress. What the fuck are you doing here? Now, now, Covey. Don't overwhelm us with gratitude. You've flown right into a trap. Kazi, do I look like a tree stump to you? We're quite aware of what we have flown into. Then you should have stayed with the fleet. Well, I'm going to have to draft that apology to you a bit later on, Kazi. For the time being, we're trying to figure out how we all get your butts out of the mud you're stuck in. What's your status? We have life support, but that's about it. And David? I'm just peachy. Thanks. Most of them made it to the escape pods. I imagine they've all been captured now. It's just myself, David, and Major Williams. Cass, say hello to the Mucklewaves. The who? Sit tight. We'll track you down in all this mess. You've risked yourselves for three people, Effie. And? My new friends. I have within me one act of kindness. I shall, this once, offer you surrender. Give yourselves up to me now, and there will be no need for any more gains. You are, no doubt, floating around in that nebula, wondering what to do next. Signal your surrender and emerge from the nebula, and I promise you'll not be harmed. Now, why do I think he may be lying to us? I'll not put it past him. And, not to add to your grocery list, but I find him so intolerable that I feel the need to defeat him entirely. Would be a nice cap to put on the day. I have my eyes on Kazzy's ship, such as it is. Let's have a look. Oh, wee, Kazzy. Your ship's looking like a grouse after Thanksgiving. I don't know what that means, Effie. Very little meat on the bone. Zebulon, our docking port isn't responding. There's no way to get us off the ship. That sounds like a failure of the imagination, Kazzy. I suppose you could try and activate it from the outside of the ship. All right, then. But if Bodnik sends another bombardment, you could get flung out into space. Zeduline, I don't imagine our adversary will talk and shoot at the same time, do you? Perhaps we'll have a bit of a chat. Oh, that sounds like a hoot, dear. I'm going to go get myself a little fresh air. Good for the Constitution. Amen. Amen. Well, here we are again, Lord. Just you and I. I'm about to fling myself into the darkness. All for your glory. I'm thinking of myself right now, Lord. About all your disciples and what you've asked of them. And not to admire the shine on my own shoes. But I must be rising in the ranks right quick. Any word of thanks, Lord? Pat on the shoulder for your servant? Well, why start now? Every once in a while, she would look back. In moments like these, hurtling through the empty void between two ships, she would think about what she's become. Before this, she was a married woman on a farm. Before that, a little girl in a field. Before that, a signal. Before that, nothing. I once was nothing. One day, I will return to nothing. But for now, I will be this. A steel frame sailing through the darkness, trying to keep the spark of life from being extinguished. Wow. It's still pretty painful, but I can walk. What did you give me? Nanites. I'm sorry? Microscopic robots. They're sewing your femur back together as we speak. They're inside me? Yes. I don't know how to feel about that. Consider the alternative. What's Effie up to exactly? Effie has made the elegant choice to fling herself at the ship. Go down! Wonder if that's her. What is she doing? Making a mistake. Codney, where's the back door on this thing? Look for flashing lights. David, go up to the docking port and turn on the landing lights, please. All right. I'm on it. Move! Quickly! If we take another bombardment, she'll be thrown from the hull. Don't worry too much about that, Cozzy. Zebulon's gonna try talking him to death. Of course. So, we've chosen the waiting game, have we? Ah, well. It's an uninteresting game, but one that's rarely avoided. Not a bad ingredient to add to the mix, I suppose. You'll stew there in your anxiety for a while until you frantically do something foolish. And then, there I'll be. I realize we just met. But may I make an observation? Careful now. The more you communicate with me, the more I'll be able to triangulate your position. I'd say that's a small price to pay for getting to know someone. And now that I think on it, isn't that always the way with our interactions? The more you speak to one, the closer they get to you. Seems natural to me. Who am I speaking with? Forgive me. In these unconventional environs, I've forgotten to begin our conversation conventionally. I'm Zebulon Mucklewing, pleased to make your acquaintance. Ah, the pastor. I've heard about you. Well, my goodness. I don't believe I've ever been in a situation where my reputation has preceded me. I find that hard to believe. I hear you disabled an entire Vesna from the inside out. You're rumored to have magical powers. I don't know much about that. Rumors tend to have magical powers all their own, don't they? I knew a man once named Fritz William Weaver Had developed for himself a reputation for being able to speak to catfish Now, all he was really doing was saying a particular word Anytime he tossed breadcrumbs into the river And after a while, fish learned to respond to that word But once that rumor mill got started It seemed as though Fritz William Weaver was sitting there on the edge of the riverbank having long, drawn-out conversations with Catfish about the news of the day. I'm afraid all that modesty won't dissuade me, Pastor. I had no idea I'd ensnared such a catch. Well, now, I'm certainly no expert on the way things work way out here in the nothingness. But I don't think one should brag about catching a thing before that thing has been caught. So you're still holding out hope in there, are you? I'm afraid hopefulness is another thing I have a reputation for. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Is that what you'd say? Well, look at that. Words of scripture all the way out here. Never thought I'd hear it. It's important to know your enemy. My friend, if you've read through that entire book And yet still you wait out there to ensnare us in this deadly trap of yours It doesn't seem to me that you've come to know a darn thing Ha! What do you say we end this now, Pastor? You know you've no way out The thing that's curious to me Is you seem to be putting all of this in my backyard Surely if you've the upper hand You're the one who could put an end to all these machinations anytime Yet still I sit here Inside this cloud with you out there If it's to be ended so easily Why not end it? Are you trying to turn my trap into a trap, Pastor? Not sure how I could even if I wanted to You've seen our vessel, we carry no weapons You're quite the lazy hunter if you expect the stag to trot right up to your doorstep. Surely you'll need to put a little effort in. I see. So, what is it then? You've laced the nebula with magnetic charges, waiting for me to wade in and destroy myself? I suppose someone more shrewd than I could do something like that. But as I understand it, there, aboard your ship, you have many of our people as your prisoners. If I were to attack you, surely I attack them. Perhaps you see them as expendable. Could be. But we've just risked life and limb coming here to save the precious few that you haven't captured. Does that sound like someone who sees human life as expendable? Hmm What could it be then? How do you plan to undo me? On the other end of things, I could just be stalling for time I dare you to do a thing you wouldn't possibly do in the hopes that you'll wait And wait long enough for us to marshal our forces and send them through to defeat you Could be that as well You're trying to convince me that I'm damned either way You know, my friend, I must admit, I've never been capable of deception. Perhaps I merely feel that the only way to truly know a man is to be on a level playing field with him. Eye to eye, cross the table. Come on in and see me, why don't you? I'm so curious to hear about your journey through the scripture. Sure. Set course for the nebula. Let's get to know our new friend. Okay. Okay. I can walk. Good. We'll be on the move soon. If you don't mind me asking, how are you alive, ma'am? Several reasons. My race are bioengineers who make several changes to their body in order to survive our planet. It makes me rather hard to kill. Well, whatever you did to yourself, you did a great job. Thank you. You're doing well yourself. So far, all I've done is get my leg broken. You haven't lost your head. That's important. Yeah. This is... Not the space NASA sold to me. I'm sure you were told many stories about the wonder of exploration when you signed up to be an astronaut. I'm sure they were beautiful and benevolent stories. But I'm afraid it's not quite like that out here. I'm afraid you've stepped into a bit of a mess. Yes. I have picked up on the mess part of it. I'm sure. Especially the part about you being at war with your dad. Yes. Which is really the definition of messy. It's not ideal. Sadly, you don't get to pick who you're at war with. I am... I am on the side of the good guys, right? I suppose I should have asked this earlier? We're the good guys, Major. This entire galaxy has been enslaved. We'll go planet to planet, freeing them or die in the process. Okay. I can get behind that. I'm sure I'll get used to all of this somehow. Let's see what happens when the robot shows up. Excuse me. Howdy do, soldiers of the righteous. How goes the war? Jesus Christ. Cazi, you look better. Thank you. You're looking like that loony-tuned duck that just got hit with a seam roller. A reference I understand would be appreciated, Ethel. Hey, we need to move it. Apparently, Zebulon has invited the enemy ship into the nebula, and they are looking for us. Why did he do that? It's all part of his plan. What is his plan? I'm sure I don't know. I'm still not ambulatory. Then, milady, I shall carry thee to thine bedsit. This is miserable. Up you come. Let's get a move on, y'all. David, why is the robot from the south? I don't know. Why is anybody? Alright, my friend. I've accepted your invitation. Let's see how long it takes me to find you in all this red mist. I wish you the best of luck. Though I'm not sure how anyone finds anything in one of these places. As I'm sure you know, I'll be looking for your thruster plumes. As soon as you use one of your engines, I'm going to see you. I hope you didn't have any plans to escape now that I'm in here with you. Well, now, why would I go through all the trouble of inviting you into these environments and then up and leave? That's no way to treat a new friend. I must say, this is the most cordial battle I've ever participated in. Hardly a battle, my friend. I have no weapons to use against you. Yes, but you do strike me as the creative type. One who thinks he can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. At the risk of injuring my modesty, I will admit to emerging from a closet full of knives unscathed from time to time. What's that story of yours? Daniel in the lion's den? Oh, yes. That's a good one. Is that how you plan on getting out of this? You're going to rely on the beneficence of your god? He's given me so much already, this God of mine Hard to ask him for more So often we ask for gifts without looking around at what we already have Take Daniel for example I've always seen him as a man who was very well versed in how not to look like dinner It's predator and prey, you see So much of it is how we see ourselves How we see the other. I'm sure you're seeing yourself as the lion. Stalking amongst the tall grass. Waiting for someone to make a mistake. What happens to that outlook, do you think? When I just call you my friend. If I'm your idea of a friend, you have some truly terrible friends. I see all people as my friends. Chance and circumstance may separate us But I will always hope for a day when we all sit down at a great table together as friends I'd be happy to set a table for you here on my ship Believe me or don't, but I do hope for that day Until then, chance and circumstance Hello? Hello there! Hi. Kazi told me to come to the bridge. She said you may need some help. Well, that's a wonderful sentiment. I'm Zebulon Mugglewayne. I'm Cass. Thanks for the rescue. I'm glad we could reach you in time. Did you reach us in time? Seems like we're still in a pretty bad situation. Improved greatly by your presence, I'm sure. I guess. I'm not much of a pilot. I'm a communications specialist. I'm sure that'll be all sorts of help. Have a seat anywhere you like. Tell me whatever you can. Sure. Okay. Uh, it looks like he's shut off his engines. I see. Why would he do something like that? As soon as he cut them off, it reduced the EM background noise. Maybe with his engines off, he can listen a little more closely for us. Lying in the tall grass, waiting for prey. Sure. Also, if you want to keep talking to him, you're going to have to keep moving. The more you talk, the more he'll be able to triangulate your position. All sound advice, Cass. But if you move, he'll be able to see your engines, just like we could see his. I thought that might be the case. We're making our way through this land of clouds using other means. What is that? Compressed air? It is. Makes me feel right at home making our way like this. I feel as though I'm steering an old catamaran. Despite the ever-changing world around them, they were often struck by something curious. That no matter the time or place or the swirling complexities of the worlds they would visit, there was a thread of something simple in all of it. No matter where they would go, there was a sameness to it all. Some things never changed. The most primordial things. Love and kindness, loneliness and community. The things most desired seemed intrinsic. Of course, just to be coy, every new world tried to hide its commonalities. But they only saw such attempts as a child, in an ill-fitting costume, trying with all its heart to act like something other than itself. Here, put this on your arm. Don't bother. The medical stations don't work on me. Why the fuck not? You need a biological preset for them to work. My biology is too chaotic. I'll be fine. I just need more time. I suppose that's what you get for making yourself such a complicated creature. You're saying this to me as an anachronistic earthling speaking from a robot that you have inexplicably possessed. Well, she's got me on that one, doesn't she? Effie, how does Zebulon plan to get us out of this? I suppose he'll start by asking nicely. And when that predictably doesn't work? You don't know. Politeness can get you real far if you do it right. You've really come all this way without a plan of any kind? Don't turn up your nose so quick. We've gotten this far, haven't we? You were supposed to get this far, Effie. That's how traps work. They should be easy to get into. In a situation such as this, when you're walking into a trap, all one can hang their hat on is the incompetence of the trapper and the wiliness of the trapeed. This guy does not seem incompetent. Never underestimate a smart man's ability to be as thick as a post, David. Jesus Christ, would you two stop talking in Southern fortune cookies? David, I have limited you to exactly one blasphamation per day. I'll remind you. Oh, my God. That's two? You should consider negotiating with him. Offer me a compromise. You can load me into an escape pod and perhaps he'll let the rest of you go. Seems to me this here Vodnik is pretty convinced he can scoop all of us up in one fell swoop. Why compromise now? I suppose you're right. We may have to try and make it hurt. Load ourselves into escape pods. Use the ship as a battering ram. And what are the chances that'll work? What are the chances any of this will work? Ozzy, can you not have a little more faith in me and my husband? Faith is not a strategy. Well, then allow me to transform this conversation from one where I'm asking you something to one where I'm telling you something. You sit yourself there and sew up that body of your own, and Zebulon and myself will take it from here. Excuse me? What is it, Major? Zebulon needs everyone to put on oxygen masks. What? Why? He's been propelling the ship using compressed oxygen. If this keeps up, we may run out soon. You're kidding me. All part of the plan, I'm sure. Are we all done with our conversation? Is it time to come out of hiding, Zebulon? Have you got your fancy hat on, Cass? My fancy hat? Sure. I think I have this on, right? If I pass out, I guess we'll know. Very good. We've been skirting pretty close to his ship. Shouldn't we back off a little? No. I think we should get right up close to him. You never check right under your nose. Forced with trees and all that. Okay. What's that he's doing? He's launching probes into the nebula See there? Right under his nose Alright, my friend If it's going to be a while I have more questions about that book of yours I'm happy to hear them Your man, Abraham I know him well What's all this business about his son? Your God says to him Bring your son up to the altar And sacrifice him in my name Prove yourself to me. I'm getting that right? You are. Then, at the altar, Abraham stands there, prepared to sacrifice his own son to this god of yours. And then suddenly your god, what, changes his mind? Says to him, on second thought, Abraham, never mind. What's that about? Confounding, isn't it? In my neck of the woods, that's called psychological torture. And those thoughts are not unheard by me. There's many a confounding twist in those pages, ones that I wrestle with to this day. I will say this, though. It may surprise you to hear, but despite my genial nature, I can be a bit roguish in my interpretations. You scoundrel In thinking of the story of Abraham and his son you may find insight when casting your mind way back all the way back to the beginning In those dark beginnings of our people, I'm ashamed to say that acts such as bringing your child to the altar and sacrificing their life in the name of your God, well, it was almost commonplace. Hard to think of it now. What do we defend more than our children? And yet, in that primordial time, they were seen as fodder for a dark and vengeful God. I shudder to think on it. So then, when Abraham is asked by his God to sacrifice his son's life for Abraham, this was not a new notion. It was not surprising. It was a tragedy, but not surprising. So then when Abraham raised up his knife and God stayed his hand, it was God's way of saying to Abraham, Everything was thus, but now it is this. Lay down your trappings of the world before and step forth into the new one. Could he not have just told Abraham that? Yes, my friend, he could have. Which is why I wrestle with it so. Oxygen reserves at ten percent. Where are you from, Cass? Where am I from? Uh, Colorado. Ah, the Rocky Mountains. That's where they are, yes. How'd you get so far from home? I... I really don't know. My father was a pilot. I knew how to fly by the time I was 12. When I turned 18, he got me my own single engine. I climbed inside and never went home again. Hmm. A cherished skill. To know to get out when the getting's good. What are we talking about right now? My friend, I'm afraid it's time for me to leave you. What? Leave me? That I'm enjoying our conversation so much. And I do hope that one day we can resume them. One day, after all this is over. I see. So you've decided to make a break for it, have you? I believe our welcome has been thoroughly worn out. I knew you couldn't hide from me forever. What are you doing? I'd like you to remember what I said. That all men are my friend. It's only chance and circumstance that keeps me from that friendship. As soon as you fire your engines and head for that warp tunnel, I'm going to blow you out of the sky. Yes, circumstances such as that. Well, I must say, after all that, I was hoping for a more complicated plan than just making a run for it. I'm a simple man. Never been much for complicated schemes. Let's let the fates decide, shall we? As you wish. Goodbye, Zebulon. It's been very entertaining. We're exiting the nebula. Zebulon, what are you doing? Let's stop with the sneaking about, shall we? Let's hear those noisy engines again. Zebulon. There you are, my friend. I promise to make it quick. Target the ship and fire. Zebulon, he's going to light us up. Fire, dammit. Fire. What are you doing? We'll fire the engines then. What? Safety lock? How? What's happening? I'm sure I don't know. What the hell did you do? What did you do to my ship? It was always dust, my friends. But now, it is this. Let's head for home, y'all. Sebulon! Every once in a while, a look back. In moments like these. in a small vessel in an infinite ocean trying to keep the spark of life from being extinguished. Before this, a farmer. Before that, a child. Before that, a signal. Before that, nothing. I once was nothing and one day I will return to nothing but for now I will be this and I will call that a life I know why you wanna find it true the time will come when you'll be fretting for me wondering who could be getting my pet but it ain't gonna be you I don't know. Come in. Good morning, ma'am. I brought you balloons. Why? Because it's your first day back. That doesn't answer my question. He thought it would be funny. That answers my question. Major Williams, how have you been? I've been well, ma'am. How has your recuperation been going? I'm at about 70%. Good enough to resume my duties, I think. Welcome back. How have things been? Cass has finally met Tita. Yes. She... she has... Horns. Yes. She's an acquired taste, but an essential one. What else? We've perfected the warp tunnel maneuver. We can now completely dodge energy bombardments from homeworld without losing any ships. Good. What else? What is it? Go ahead. I keep thinking about that day in the nebula. Yes? We should have died, ma'am. You think? Vodnik's ship... It just... It suddenly stopped working right when we needed it to. Yes, it did. I... Maybe it's because of the way the Muggle Wayans talk, but... It felt like a miracle. Hmm. Did it? Yes. Earthlings have an interesting relationship with the unknown. Do we? You see something you can't explain, and you fill that void with the simplest thing you can find. I don't understand. Once you spend enough time out here, you'll come to understand some things. Things like safety locks. They're on all ships in one form or another. If the environment is too volatile, you won't be able to fire your engines or your weapons until the volatility is gone. Vodnik bombarded the nebula before he entered it. He used his engines to enter it. It wasn't a volatile environment. Sebulon did some strange things in that nebula, didn't he? Yes. Flew very close to the enemy ship, always flying rings around it. Yes. What did he propel the ship with? Oxygen. What color was the nebula? Red? Another thing you'll know once you're out here enough, the red nebulae are made of hydrogen. Okay. Those rockets on your home planet, the ones you use to get to orbit, what are they fueled with? A combination of hydrogen and oxygen. That's right. He was wrapping the enemy ship in volatile rocket fuel. If Fodnik had been able to fire his weapons, he would have destroyed himself and everything else for thousands of kilometers. So shady. Why didn't Zebulon just say that? Yes. There are many things I don't understand about this universe. One of the most confounding things... Effie and Zebulon Mucklewayne. I don't think Zebulon even knew what he was doing in that nebula. Or maybe he did. I don't know. What I do know is that we're fighting a war. And I'm glad they're on our side. This is a fucked up assignment, ma'am. Yes. And it will get stranger from here. But all this strangeness will be nothing compared to the strange thing that follows it. What's that? Peace? I'll take that strangeness any time. I as well. Is there anything else? I should get caught up. No. Oh, there is one thing. Yes? It's probably nothing, but the last bombardment from the homeworld appeared to have a carrier wave on it. A carrier wave? It sounds like noise to me, but I thought I'd let you know it wasn't there in the other bombardments. Where is it? In your debrief package. I'll take a look. Okay. Welcome back again. Thank you, Major. Ozzie. Karaoke in the mess hall tonight. You going to be there? I'm thinking Joan Jett for you. No, thank you, David. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, Lance. Goodbye, David. That's not a carrier wave. Oh Is this thing on? Ava? Kazi, listen closely. It's all bullshit. Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. 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Yegor Luce, Terry Cadds, The Bethany's Demand More Omega Station, Leif Trax, The Rise of Leif, Chapter One, Loaf Trax Retires, The Prodigal Elem, Catalyst for Chaos, Sculliver, Cat Lucido, Sam and Shane, Ahsoka Likes Hugs, Going Animus, V, Ma Dukes, U.S. Marshal Stacy, Ooh, Chickadee, Tear in the Guild of Free Cartographers, Sweet Chaos 7, Dango Dale, Estee, Not the Website. At every moment in every corner of every possible world, there is always a way home, and it's already found you. Jaupalo Lemos, Odd Keep the Sentient Lighthouse, the faceless old Bethany who secretly lives in your home. Dichane, Tanya Fisher, Appalachian Death Queen, Zosifer Doggo of Doom, Burnt Barbecue Beef Brisket. It's official, they're called Figronis, Kevin Winans, Marlon C. Hit me, Tube Sock, Madame Perry, Cherish Hellfire's Hellish Chairfire. Lichen Lady, Cameron Agnese West, Knox, Lisa Liu, Emmett Hale, The Triad's Baddest Goblin, Emory and Lano, James Miles, Browncoats Love the Diner, House Chaos and the Critter Cacophony, Max and Nia and Ivan Six? Seven? Nope, it's Mark. Minions Simone Mimi Davis, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald and Misty Don Mitchell Jr., Gaia Turtle, Wayne Barahona, Jesse the Dragon Rider, We Will Not Rest Until Puerto Rico and Palestine Are Free, Pluto Crow, Nissy's Mom, Pokesplort, Whiskey Rebellion and Jen Riott's Interdimensional Detective Agency, Zephyr Vitriol, Altreon, Slim Nandy, Goth Lafe, Jen and Brit, Adriana Bartolomucci, Jonah is Gay, The Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Balian Fair, The Night of Silver Flames, Hood's Pocket Protector, Unpaid Intern, Past the RD exam and got a job. Valkyrie Storm, Patricia Who's Always Late but Somehow on Time, DC Squirrel, Kyle the Interstellar Highwayman, Shelly Act on the Verge, Gale Friend, Uncle Denzo and Aunt Buffy had the opportunity to try Miss Chris's sandwiches and can attest that they are fire. Rubber Cake, Clover the Clown, The Sparky Tech, Prop the Croc-A-Gator, Ring Leader Volt, Jazz Punker, Captain Tight Pants and the Companion, Agent Night Breakfast, Braddy for Mission Control, Renee N, Bethany, The Lone Star Edition, Katarina de la Playa R.I.P. Eloise Waffles The Floof Wrangler Aki the Space Druid There are only 176 MB fanfiction and one Bethanate Phantomland TTRPG Dice K8 the Curiouser Roxanne Ash Montgomery Wait, we could have been Bob Birches? Jason HVAC Tech for the Diner's Deep Freeze SK Phoenix Glitch the Gamer Error Zephyr the Weffer Montgomery Foxworth Mary Face Luan Cherry Peppermint Pearl The Interdimensional Space and Tea Time Witch Nicole 6-4 Amara Salazar Banjo Buscalo Full Beans Glorious Forgotten Ford Festiva Brandon Wright Night Breakfast at the Midnight Cauldron Force for Good-ish Mark Scott Rosie Mum The Judah Slater Morales Intergalactic Fry Lord Gravity's optional But fries aren't CJ's Big Barbecue Bistro for Bethany's Angel Vasquez Evil the Cat Steven Raymer J. Carp Fishman The Great Goblino Low Oxygen Save the Mungos Joji the Birdwatcher Nye Lilac Morcella Rachel Krempa with special thanks to my best friend Lizzie and my husband Steve. Don't worry about the order, honey. Your Majesty. Temporal Hashbrown. Diane Brown. Dr. Flogg wants Tita to return his voicemails. Mags. Captain No Sleep. The Slim Reaper. Reuben Eden. Smedley P. Snodgrass III. But please. Call me Smeddy. The Shreveport Bohannans. Cece the Umbrella Mage. Bradbury's Sasquatch. Lodes Chekhov's Gun. Din. Cosmic Ketchup. Lack of Lifestyle. August the Schmogest and Hossfest. Ashley Davis. Mousy. Hood's Pocket Gear and Sprocket Local Repair Cafe. Postmaster General Kwan sent me. Mad Maddox. Blake Basmagian. Nitwit 14. Roiled way too harshly. DJ Johnny B. Proctors and proctologists both administer tests, but one of them's way more anal about it. Marco Montano. No longer doing a bit. Shiny Fields. Adam Tachek. Christopher Wendell. Unproductive Banana. Pulsifer the Paulist of Paulism. Zombie Spider-Man. The Sorcerer Sanguine says Brain Demons is an anagram of Brandon is me. Bex 823. Auntie Cryptid. Berry Heap. Gas Mask Penguin. In the hot seat. Mime Ninja's Ninja Mime. Master Oogway has ascended back to the spirit realm and welcomes anyone to join him in the search for inner peace. Berry. Dilly is dallying. Podcast Junkie wants Gloria's tamale recipe. Futile screaming at the ocean. Fox Hatlin. Dylan Caroni. Pedro Vibriso. Slider. Dimitri. Julian Rhodes, Maple Emily, the gayest library janitor in Indiana. The new kitten's name is Leif, and this time he's not a girl. Physic the good bush, definitely not one of the bad bushes funding rebel Bethany's to overthrow the duly elected Bethany's. Hexadecimal Bethany is non-binary. Vapus 10's big black gaping hole. Gubrius, you know, like Lou Gubrius, but without the Lou. Bruce, Jessica Gagoma, Torical, Jenny the Bear, Grr, Bellringer, Sardine Thorne, Treach. Josie Jones, Mr. Fibble is very cross. Coat Potato, Dr. Mojo postulates the end list, endlessly splintering off as Bethany and Burt Burt's caboose until its end list's all the way down. Dave and Buster Server Manager, ready to serve all the Bethany's a Monte Cristo. Blind Time Traveler Convention Date, L.A. Woman, the Phoenix Rising. New name, God. No, not him. Jeff Andrew? Sure. Jeff Andrew. Miss Luan, a British woman with cute dogs. Cup of Noodles, Schmizzy Two Shoes, Luna Nova, Nicholas Griffith, Matt Grigsby. Justin Smolin. Riku 31. Craig Dundee. The name's Knight with a K. Astral C. Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too. Guy With The Chops. Sam. Mitchell Yee. Bagel Knife. In Melda and Scott. Courtney Cochran. Lily Starling. Ryan K. Devin 7777 has been my fave verbal stim for months. Nate. Forklift lifts forks for Cliff. Vince M. Chip. Radio Free Relia. Violin Loves MIDI. Brian Pastley. Subawasa. Grinna. Piston Whip. Captain Ducky. Blitz Bell. Laser Saw? of the Shreveport laser saws? Our overhead is way too high with all of these names, and please make sure to turn in all receipts. Love, Josh from Accounting. Satsuma, Silliest Goose, Dr. Jones, Icy Axe, Coach Shane of Toad Suck Central, Go Cranes, Cole Arthur, Lego Croissant, Kassad, Norwin Murgler, Chase and her army of turtles join the Bethany War. The star-set messengers want to know if you've written that four-page essay on why you don't think about bugs. Joe Kappa, We be chopping broccoli. Icy Fish, The Hacker Known as Ivy DeBurb, Edwin McDonald, A Feisty-Ass Chickadee, Poultry Landmine, The Scrappy Poet, Jenny the Cryptid Paladin, Maverick Artist, Shit, It Was a Mimic, Basil and Their Tea, Waiting to Gossip with David, Ainsley, Yay, Yay, Yay, Yay, Yay, Angnor, ATB, Kiwi Lovelybead, Zoe, Professor Freda, Dr. Professor Reverend Bethany Wethany Lethany, Woofie McFlovenberger, MD, PhD, Esquire, and that's not pretentious at all, ahem, is looking for a cure to the Bethany mutation that the Society of Bethany's began the war with so many years ago. Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy, Garrett Henderson Twote, Still Trapped, But I've Stopped Asking Why, The Freezer Is, I Am, We Chill, Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach, Scott A. Snellgrove, Give Peas a Chance, Samalama Ding Dong, Sarah, That's It, Just Sarah, Ricardo Galamba, Kari's Crafty Cloaking Devices, LLC, Hashtag WeWeaveEmUpGossamer, Deeringer, Penny the Wonder Dog, and Bucky Von Buckbuck, Kentex Oridian, Cherry Applebee, medium rare extra toasted bun Topher Hart the gay Saucy Caesar Belt Aspen is a Verge fanboy Mick J67 Ava's favorite My Little Pony pencil wants Joe to slap into a snim-jim Is this thing recording? Mr. and Mrs. Drifter Representative of the Alaskan Midnight Burger Tummy Time chapter Nathaniel Lee Industries Sir Dredmore Spiva is wondering if Bethany likes night breakfast Lord Entropy Bok Bok Motherfucker The Fae Wanderer Everybody's favorite clown Splotchy Pinstrike Algorithm Psycho Queen Kosher Steak For the last time, it's Gabriel Strife. Don't Tavrock Stormbringer me, Joe. Alyssa's Shiny Pants. Gondor calls for AIDS. Muscles for tits Arnold Rumspringa The demise of the Temple of Bethany Alan Berglin says Hi Mom Kitty McSkull Raven Stromdans Hapless Novelist Passenger of the Dimensionally Impermanent and Temporally Incontinent Bookshop Cafe. The Wild-Eyed Prophet. Tessa Craig, Perfectly Personalized Disaster. Richard Schofeld, Jim Turner, Lux Luminos, Javi De Niro, Big Chunk, Good Deeds. Sasha the Being of Chaos was not involved in the Bethany Crisis. Boom Boom's Wooden Leg, Will the Real Muad'Dib Please Stand Up? Kitty Cat and Lollipop can't get enough of this. Jillian C. Udon 96. Benjamin Not Franklin. Tracy Baby. Leia. Is that the Chris Hancock who traded weekly soup for the use of my kitchen table? A Singular Nightbird. Bethany Reading in a Green Field. I am the Lizard frantically firing flechette guns. Bumble Faye. Mr. Epsilon. The Mothman. Long-haired Matt. DJ. Lenny Harris. Robert W. Brielzebub. Krezamira. Jessa Lorin. Mayday Hoops. The Bean Wizard. Myth and Stitch Embroidery Loves the Mucklewains. Lulu Louise. Duelio The Brew Crew Family Bert Ruba Your Most Benevolent Lord and Master of the Multiverse Jeffrey George Exquisite Whimsy Ellie Don't Tariff Me Bro Oopsie Evelyn The Wizard Mooses Holds Out Their Cat For You To Pet Grimlor Existential Pancakes Genie Waboom Errant Popsicle Stick M Horowitz Isle of Refuge Jack Spider's Mom Bubble Butt Bethany Has Banana Breath Llama Fresh Jer the Benevolent Destroyer Valtiel Heller Revan the Redbeard Wizard Bert Bird and the Funky Bunch Corora the Twelfth. Shh, shh, shh. Just listen. Damien Flutterjohn. Zomcon. Bethany Too. Electric Boogaloo. Welcome to the Kwan Pound. Pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, pen, pen. Mr. Muchacho Kaisersmitzl is outside Sarah Murphy's house on Raxias, recruiting for the Trouble Puffs Fight Club. The wolves in the deep freeze say, Awoo! Julie Hammond. Sanctuary Moons number two fans. Simpson. Jason. Alice Lewis. Simply Amy Sue. I pushed her because Joe said so. Even older Liz. Mick Bearcat. Grack Pinfeather, Sitikin Druidic Scientist. Astro, your friendly neighborhood android. Moonlight Zombie Fox. Old Doc Racy, the midnight missionary out there somewhere looking for you. Rotten Ronnie sleeps in grandma panties. Skowonky. Artist Dragonborn. Bigby Garage. Bill Zang and Alester. Joaquin Jimenez. Hello, Big List. I'm Dad. Now let Joe get some rest. It's time for bed. Muffins. Space Wives. Chad Hatter, cosmic tea maker of the Triads. Captain Jack Harkness wants Peter the Robot. Oreo? Oreo. No, wait, pineapple. Actually, never mind. Oreo. Tell your cat I said... Banana Manaz, a corgi-cold kibble. Cuddly Kraken, Life's Lode Studio, and his wife, Meganator. Axel Lights, Sarge the Bard, Ciminity, Riel Than, LL Cool Mint Jams, Travis Roberticus, the other original Caitlyn, Ken Daddy, Celestiani. The jaded Umbra gets slightly less jaded as Peace once again returns to the land. Lea Izadi, Millie Was Taken, Dead2Me86, B Camp, Shanman Man Man, Karma Karma Chameleon, Kinran Is Chilling at Moonbase, Zoe and Her Army of Mice, Briar Longlost, Daniel, Sammy the Baby Seal, Trixie Belle Du Bois, Dr. Bootyologist the Glutes Doctor, The Hood's Pocket Electrician's Union reminds you that we're always here to check your shorts. Thank you for pressing 2. Your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Surly Jess, R.I.P. Lance McClain, you would have loved Midnight Burger, Adam Toklove, Dr. Bitchcraft, Sassy Cat the Space Vixen, Claire Rock, Jekka, Eros to God, the size two fish you've been looking for, Eokai, Borgia, Spiders are cuddly, Lafayette Lasagna Lovers 1, Ronan Stonebridge, the main immortal thinks it should be Ken Daddio's, Cheel Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Poliwog, Michaela White, Elena Pickle, Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire, finally spots Red Nell as the carnage clears. Professor Thaddeus Snookums VIII. Mr. Grin, Glenn Petroski. This moment of silence so joke and catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler, audible breath. Elizabeth Hammond. Cheapcon. Yeah, you heard me. The real Cheapcon. Except no imitations. Steamvision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train. Dave Harreld. Wisecube. Dirty Diaper Fussbutt and the Piggy Runt. Bromine. Pronounce bro-mine. Main humdinga. Mother of Pearl. Fiona now owns Leif's 18-inch Peter. Seal Face. Rigor Mortis. Megan's Things. Things Megan Makes. Coilane. Trebek's Reject. Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains. Igneous Burp. Darth Ox. This brief pause is brought to you by Michelle Kay's wish for Joe to catch his breath. Aaron Arnold. Boy-o-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yoing. Internet Explorer has arrived to join the Bethany War. Alpaca Lips. I'll take one butter and brie on rye, please. Elliot Paints. Undead Akira. V. Lord Reverend. Portagos Pex Ryan Thomas' ten tenebrous tan-staffled tippers treading treacherously tantamount to telling totalitarian trope termination tales The Lovely Laura Lovely Keith Gamgee Sam Wise's Flamin' Cousin Dariel Jeremy the Ruler Gochi Charles Robert Darwin III Esquire PhD Jacob Mitchell Swooning for Verge Zeke in the Box Stevie Crowhill How to Get Jack from John The Adventures of Magpie and Brown Bear Scrubs Becky Just some guy from Adelaide and I'm Ryan Remy The Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardo the Wizard, Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce, the German short-haired pointer from Nashville, wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says wolf. Whiskered. Any two hands for the double high five? Marissa the Ghost. Local snowplows in your area are dying to meet you. Rutherford B. Chesterfield and his dapper companion Winchester. Cheshire Corgi. Stray Cat. Old Kelsey No Shoes. Zoldia. Dizzy Flame. We serve everyone eventually. Sasha. Beth and Alan Van Gillis. Langston North. Sly Fox, a.k.a. Br'er Rabbit. Pan Starts Champion. The Constantly Lost Geographer. Timothy A. Otis. Chance wants you to know, he cares. Wolf Stark. Elliot. Hobbs Decoe. Natalie Bartlett. Rory of Yin. Mubi the Golden Calf. Kirion the Asteroid Wrangler. Giovanni Salinas. Rocky G. Perry the Pirate. Erin Elizabeth. K. Narcotics. Solomon Price. A Daydream You Won't Escape. Angela Sanchez. Ava M. Bubba 485, a.k.a. Schimmelbach the Christmas Whale. Kaiju Sommelier, Stella Corvus, Jesus Garcia, JP the IT Guy, Candyman Fight, Sandwich, John Peters, you know, the farmer. Barkley on the Holodeck, Dapper Dad, SCP-049, O Magis, Raven the Dreamer, TK Turtle King, Mike M, Space Based Lasers. Captain B and Lady G with their swabs. Marla Madam Lotus still specifically loves Finley. Mr. Steamwave, my friend the rhino says be nice. Hoop challenge. Dream Founder I'm your Huckleberry Elizabeth T Ty Ty the Wonder Hamster and her dear darling Duke Grandpa Gus Boombastical Kim Licker Coco Yumi is Painting Ponies Hug-A-Muffin Bigfoot of Doom D.L. Annie Atkins Crandyman the Pug Whisperer Garrow Our cat said to tell you Meow Ya boy of indeterminate origin Benjamin Ortiz Mr. Frog President Pop Rock Quicksand Molly Lives on Mars. Mr. Squizzle Sizzle Whizzle Fizzle the horrendous apologizes for conspiring in the Bethany War. Invites for tea are being sent now. Abanaso, Trina Ward, Spooky Spader Storytime, William Kent, Andy, The McJimmy's from Your Local Dimension, Xavier Killingsworth, Lane Kiffin is a hoe, Nemetic Hygienist, Rogue Art, Aaron Star Joshua Damien and Sentinel of the Star System, Claude DeClaz, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Chiss Alfridge the Bullheaded Professor, Alexandre Larocque has brought La Guillotine to assist the Bethanys in their survival war. Vive la revolution. Ed Boy. Ryan Finnelli. Jonathan K. Pearl Null. Another Monster. Petabyte Avatar. Tugwin the Mighty. Project Octopus. Ken. Chibs 1012. Scotty Oates. Vyrotron 95. Dan's granted clemency by his overlord parents. Dance break. The Bracken System and its home world, Ren. Simply Tony. It will always be Findlay's work hole to me if you know, you know. Gabrielle Castellan. Whom, what, when, where, and why is what all Figronis say while listening to Midnight Burger. Nico DeGaio goes great on Midnight Burgers. A drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar. Sir Partiano. Byro the motherfucking dragon of the Shreveport the motherfucking dragons. Uloy Jackal. Are you sure you might rob the Nancy Sinatra? Court need to leave it alone if you want to live. Must be a witch. Cat with a K. My the Growny has a first name. Stomachine El Mustachio. Lucifer Hezekiel. La Chihuahua Brava. Adeline Peets. Cece Carousel. Korth the Destroyer. Honest Puck. Casper's Mom's a milf. Scout and Fox Glove says the floor is lava. Red Mel hiding in a crowd of Bethany's to avoid capture by Wiley Wilbur Winklewright. Wrist watch Wrangler of West Worcestershire. Kordomsky Craig Armstrong Plastic Fork Dulcet Deleche Studios presents Under the Truscan Sun Get Outta Ma Booth Bug Propagator I Hardly Know Her Sad Angry Crab Man Chuck McFinley Effie and Zebulon's trans great-granddaughter Hazel Hayes Velocity Girl 42 Little Dragon and a Cauldron of Bats Ben Carlyle Flat Steve's Love for Grand Theft Anna Kearney Crashly Strange Lilia The Four Schnauzers of the Apocalypse Starblaze Birdbright Imzukioki Spotted Rhino and her Hand-Me-Down Frogs Red Mafia Panda Lonely Isle Kaidalo Headphones Hinkle Pikeman Stover Fondella Stover Pikeman Stover's Wife Cernoculus Skrizzles Whap Giddy Giddy Giddy The Firekeeper The End Is Nigh Jeremiah the Cancelled Librarian Alex Spike and Faye Johnny Allen West and the Boys from the Dwarf Speedy McSpeedy Eli Wolf Brandy Gunter Auntie Becky is owned by five rescue cats Speckled Unicorn Jedi Rides Again with Nova the Space Pirate, Tevin Longblade Shortsword, Forget Normal, Oh Damn! CJ Johnson, A Dragon Sitting on a Tord of Dice, Wendell Whittaker, Chumbo Wumbo, Pikachu, Smitey, Glowbed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Dane and Deb, Ban Mi Hoong, The Soup Witch, Bender FTW, Fetishini Alfredo, Cowboy and Sasquatch, Hunts Bethany's, Pebbles, VV, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip Your Dad Is Not Your Dad, Nick Borough, Midnight Plumber, His Royal Highness Mr. Hamilton Underfoot Kitty I and Accomplice, Princess Penelope the Marchioness of Mischief and Maven of Mystery, Megan Gentry, Mr. Cherry, Our Ass is in the Jackpot, Tubby Teddy, Wayne Heister, India Inkblot, Slev of Bahamut, Omi Gracie, Dalton Jenkins, Cat Holtz, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, Lavinia, Ava Maddox Jr., Liza Wirth, Cass Williams, Christy, Yeet My Boy, 46 Toolshed 2 and Elmary Catastrophe, The Image Collector, Blended Music, Definitely Not Kevin, Sitting Squirrel, Patricia E. Melt Miss Everyone, A Round of Yargs on the House, Red the Gray, The Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr. Nossos, Interdimensional Space Biologist, Kaboko Dunord, Lil Kev, Kozamine, Theodrax, Joey B, Lucas Barding, Little Debbie Cupcake, Taryn says, Hey, Oreos are rabbit, Sandalwood Mountain offers peace for your soul, Whimsical Fuckery, Megan with an H, Hey, it's Warranty Lady, look, I've been thinking, Maybe it'd be best if we, you know, saw other people for a bit. I need more. Patricia the Time Lord. Is it though? Mango Connoisseur. Gritty Bug and the Quirky Jester. The Big Moose Demands Justice for Betty and Malu. The Old Glory Coal. G.L. Miao Nays Cat Butler. O'Sheen Liu. Alex Berry. Andrew Oakden. Asymmetrical Exile. Churro Cat the Sun God. Eliza Travels the Universe. Alex Spence. Dr. D. Birdclospe Weather and Mrs. Duboptaway Birdclospe Weather want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. I lost my galaxy britches in a game of pants darts. Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, the Wild Thistle, most likely Cass. James Harlow is still mad about missing Burger Con. The sweet planetary aroma of Fiona's grilled cheese sandwiches. Jasmine James, Dr. Caber Ant, also known as Omni. Thanks, Waffle Chateau. Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Zephyr in the Witch's Den, Anatha, Zendria. Jennifer Calkins, Midday Burger, Don Parks. ThroatGoat666 Oh my God, my dad found out about my Patreon name Princess Leia SonicBoy99 would like a Bethany Butt sandwich But will settle for a fish in a bag Prime Freak Protector of the Scottish realm Lil Lord Stevie Pie Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Parrot Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Parrot Stuck in a Pit of Skittles Sea Squatch Deflater Mouse Tony Pia Karski Samantha Adrian R The Devil from Table 12 Javier Crazy Sadly Cremulous is just happy to be here. The Twisted Twixter. The Rural Juror is a massive fan. Faye Queen. Oop Schnart the Probability Demolition Expert. Showtime. C.R. Iptid. For My Mother. CCTX Girl 6823 Waiting on the Diner. Nicole Studioso. Your shovel is now charging. Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Penguin? Truck Stop Sandwich. Indigo Escargot. Love My Captain. Joe Malmoth. Wandering Biscuit. Castriff. Aims Affection for Internet Protection. Retro MG, Night Script, Widget the World Watcher wearing a waistcoat and wig. Lana, banana, Lana, banana, Lana, banana, banana, banana. Uhtred and Rose's Viking Void Vitals fueling the intergalactic fight against fascism. Not sure what I'm doing. Senior Deuce, Skullacy, Warped Rider, Tim Nacy, Ruben Clamso, Turwin, Hugh the Middy Mungo, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Friendly Neighborhood Fire Protection Engineer, Skull Bulb, bulb. Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Randy Supreme and Queen Lancaster. The One True Cheap Con. Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck. Oh, ma mama. Gormdar 7 now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars. Dooser now identifies as Roman Durge. The Other Adele, Chef Gal Val, Leah Hall, Sarah May. Cone of Silence Consultants LLC needs fresh towels in room three at the Horizon. Silly Willie Bubble Butt. Sierra not from Arkansas. Zee-ko! Ebenezer Boob, Caleb Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, Digital Floof Lost in Time, Potion Maestro, Nebula Nell, Regulators, Mount Up, The First Descendant, Kringle Over Coffee, Mad Yogi Eileen, A Cat Named M, Petito Pato, Palace, Big Bo, Demonic Narwhal 8, I am Annie, I live forever and every moment I've existed, I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift, The Stone Fox, Trisha Schaefer says, Ew, David, that is not a taco. Sylvia, Jusatin, Papitos, Boinghauer, Jennifer Baumer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, I am a bomb till I think of something better to do. A-B-R-R-It-Words. Hotshot Huntley, Momo's Mama, Space Mormon Says What? Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Transdimensional Delivery Man, Batlock, Lord of the 13th Sea, Mr. Trigvie, Printing with Cats, Khaleesi Del Mar, Von Vega, Dixie Dinah, 7,000 Possums, Sarah Jack Sparrow Space Pony Revibe Debbie E Emma Mr. and Mrs. Owo Dusty Ventures and his pilot Uzi Drifting Through Space Ronnie Porter Gloria's Line Cook Eagle Rock Lobster The Gabbiest Painter and Her Bird of Fire Wandering Wenjo Painted Oni Q-Del Pharrell Emily with Two E's Spaceman Nathan Ramsey Sniblick III Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble Jackie Wavelet Yayoi Gagarin Issa the Strega Dee Greitzler A Gremlin with the Munchies Michelle Scaracchio Genuine Jacob. Andy's Brain is Weird. Space Rooster Randy. Leopard Donut. Poofy Thang. Mellow Nuggets. Keychain Crap. Mat Mac Sharkman. Steelo. Arcadia. Bumbling Lily Bee. A quick pause so Joe can sip from his tiny teacup. Is... Ramen... Tea? Bufardy's Nuts. Panda. Curtis Lelig. Kennedy Allison Farner. Tristan Stoles. Dalen Y. Shadow Rapture. Yet Another Nicole. Hank the Wonder Llama. R-Craft. Russell. Zephyrus Wind. The Ornamental Hermit. Jay to the Lynn. Just a regular fox. Jeremy Impson. What the hell? Cineplex. And all the black people in North Carolina. Just Rachel. Waffles, waffles, waffles. Danger Girl. Atlas Bear. Patty the Ginger. Ava's Cigarette Ash. Hugh Biffed It. Ay, Zeus. Anaphylaxis. Scab with Comtax. The shape-shifting sad girl and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again. Bibi Baba. Sarah Nicole. The Kells fights with the Bethany's. Angry Lace Lasersaw. Magnus Eberchill. Amy Perry. Christopher Kai. Source Decay. The Spweather Cowbees Skeksis Vagabond Mary Randy's Amigo Katie Mermaid And the Delinquent Duo Nauman Nicole Victor Schauberger Reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake Max Dangers Security Chief Schatzi The Anxious Peach Team Michelle and Billy Naya Nix Reno Frankenator Nordal Bash Jordan R1X Belasco Ryan Rosinski Average Height Medium Rage Audio Monkey Joe Team Hefeweizen Monica and Mason Kay In the mysterious AZHQ I'll grant you that we have a multiplicity of mics, a jumble of James's, a trifecta of Tonys, one of whom still wants to be Leif, but sadly, no Bethany's. Rowan, Lady of the Black and Herald of the Stars. R.A.N. can't manage normal. Ryan Burnett, the joyful nihilist. Dr. Dr. B, Zo Prez, and the Bumble Army. Growing into my farm boots. Super Beth becomes an R.N. alongside my bootstrap farm friend. Geneva Boss, Brothers of the Cosign, Uncivil Gnomes, the Rat Queen Evelyn. Great Lunch Conversation. The Other Scott, Letty Lou. He was the shifty one, that Nick Howard. Kinger was here. Bobby Ray Winland Jr. Bebop Be Dabba Doo Wop. Warped Echoes. Slabs McTerps. Lord Robear Otardis wishes your 2026 to be bigger on the inside. Jeremiah Franco. Justin the Nick of Time. Gothic Rainbow. So we made it. Cody McClure. McHadley like McDonald's. Eternal Companion. Maxime Lizotte. Jingolos. Eris Goddess of Nobody. Has Matilda. Ditzy Bay. Just your average Reese. Kyle Church. I am a Leif on the Wind. Static Ego. Some fucking Swamp Wizard. Lolly. Evan M. Dobson, Dave V. Nobby, your friendly neighborhood pathologist. Going to be lit. I am Shaggy. Captain Emerald L. Wayne Hall. Danny Mars. Externally screaming. But Bethany, I made biscuits. Scebo and Fuzzle McBumpernets. Neelix Tiny Wolf. Asher the Raven. Christina Senat is teleporting. BRB. The Shades are not organized enough for a war, but there is a growing number of us, and it is concerning. Definitely not an android. Seriously, I'm not. The Wandering Welshman. Whatever Tabby. Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Kapo the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, The Kiwi Duckling, Dana Dana Bobana, Fee-Fi Fofana, Dad and Aubrey, The Dirt Bike Demons, Tequila Mockingbird, Snuffleupagus, Dameron the Space Goblin, I So Pale, Oh No, a Bee! I am Lord Zoltan, hear me roar! Pocket Ghost Max, Mags the Conqueror, Wes and Heather wonder if Derek Adair will join. My cat's name is... A Bee. Eric, Katie Kate, Get Your Colonoscopy, Victor Casados, Emily Schmemley, Work for Melvis, Boho Go Bye Bye for Jojo, Pogo, that's a no-go, bro. Cody Monster, Collided Mind, Miss Nixie, Baby Baiton Lee, Charlie Rudel, Kyle Perino, AK, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Priya Gandhi, The Wandering Mermaid would like you to know that the Little Mermaid and the Creature from the Black Lagoon are the same exact story. Little Stevie Pie, Green Mountain Hermit, Death Allergic to Bethany Stew, Two Polar Cat, Carl, the Teller of Dad Jokes, Skylab's Multidimensional Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Verde Soul, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngin, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Local Marsh Hag, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Pyro's Calling, Joe Suasion, the Wizard Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious, and introducing Recy Pontiff as the 25th Doctor. Too many jams! Catshot. Pamela Roselle Chiera. Then Steena Says. Thud Tweed. Enigmatic Catbird. Countess of Carbon. Slappy the Squirrel. Luminous Elk. Rhodian Caution. Love is for the nerds. Taz Hernandez. Captain Crash and the surviving crew. Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank. Quote says, Joe is the writer's room. Awkward Heretic. Devin 7777. Troy Aker. Mandy Kane. Northerly Kay. Lost Bassan. You know, the moon prison outside the triad. Kim Sell, Silly Goose Honk Honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Saber Wolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters, Precious, It's Just Steve, Sweets Martinez, Charnobyl 610, Mere Tender Creatures, Amanda Short, Chut, Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, No Saguaro, Ben Barr, Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wassonason, Vyrestria, Theosis the Theologian-ish, Nicole, I love you, but I will name kid two Brathar. Fernwood Gal. Nellie G. Twinkle Tots. Gemini Sky. Phantom's Moms. Callison. Hornswoglin Daniel Arthur. Mike LeCluzy. It's a fucking dog rapture. Abigail LeHoux. King Humble. We'd better ask Dave. Wind Chimes for Safety. Cameron Winterborn Welsh. Fireball XL5. Mackenzie Duna. Alexica Habanera. Code Stranger. One bet, they bet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Matt N. Alfie Revenurum. Momo Nikiki Frelp M. Lin Feed My Fish J.R.R. on SFP Lahari J. Spark Lucid Harbor Lil Mira Leopard Paws Diet Night Mars Royalty Take 20 Damage Mazie's Bandstand Kim Bob Battle Pope and Bugaboo Snorts Magort Fresh Squeezed Patrick Holt Atlas B Hold It Now Hold It Now Hold It Now Hold It Now Hit It Had It Hit It Hot It Hood It Bradley Ashby Peter Megan Okio William Dyer Vicky Hebert Brad Menear Jane Hannah Dale Phantom Zone, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her Steel-Eyed Bow, Turtles All the Way Down, Jackie Lowey, The Little Pigeon, Lily the Planetary Brain, Crazed Bear. Coming this holiday season, Dr. Lada's Trash Angel action figures restocked. Boot scoot to your local toy shack today. Which craft is Crafty Lizard doing today? Noble Barrel, Yes, My Brain is Weird, Thank You, Bethany Boppity Boom, Megan the Meg Young, Corey Moroz, Russell Bunny, Max Savage, Jenny Wren, Apprehensive Craig Tim Araneta Bacon Nicole Studioso Rambo Chaos Watcher That Homeless Guy Who Saw the Diner Disappear From Rogers And Gave Up Booze Mary Kirby Stephanie Sturgis Kirsten Hurry Up and Wait Sarah Farmer And Bella Donna First of Her Name Criddle Twilio Heidel Birdie Tom Webster Rashmi Vinkatesh McClump Azana the Leathersmith Salazar the Dome Age The Bard with the Tuba Hayward's Finest Garen Elizondo Two by Little You'll Always Be My Good Girl You Took a Piece of My Heart and left a paw print on my soul. Till we meet again. Sir Shitsalot strikes again. Damn animal. Ashton James. Elspeth. Skyland. ALR. Sidewalk Jam. Tonka 2005. Cruisin' B. Anthony. Trick says wherp. Tybalt the First. Xavier Romo. Alley Frog. Trey the Turquoise Tortoise. Freya Titmittens. Courtney the Frogologist. Corey and Stephanie say hello. The Fondtucky Wrangler. Screm Brulee. Yay, Aaron. The Singing Loon. Zuzanna. Celeste Yost. I'm so Antigone fun. I'm Ava's evil twin sister, Bethany. Katie and Noah Hendrix the Stink The Ambergler Boodles Osvaldo Simeone Siobhan Delilah Rose Ashley Chapel Peoples Ryan Ortega Barbarian Bloodbath The Defenestration of Tads Corrine Sabrantha Shadow Daddy Rubius Fuzzlebutt K-Mac The Something Something Detective Agency Hayabuda Eli the Electrician Sunny D. Anomaly Char May K-On with Karma Amanda Nock The Wondrous Methasophon Post Turtle Evaluation Squad Hashtag Nissan Acura Finnegan Robert Jesse Foster Samira Flat Doug Deary Darling Ambient Drifting Man 80 Chris Hancock Nicole 23 Gracefully Impaired Tired Pirate Muffin Steve King Laura Roman Ronan John Pruitt Camel Pope In Shuldigan Rip Tessia Rebecca Trossel Names! There are so many! Good God! Chris from Tacoma The Real Fairy Godmother Sir Alphonse Suitperson Knight of Hood's Pocket Polished Pauldrons Pacing Pine Paths Protecting Pocket From Sneaky Skull Duggery Mitzi Lu Kelsey Holm Still Casper's number one fan but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom. Amanda Marie Kathleen, Damian the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Matt Mosby, Saint Phu, Harry Fishnuts, Joshua Cody, Estrano Weeb, Magno's The Civil Gnome. Welcome everybody, I'm Hydealon, and I'll be leading our Midnight Burger emotional support group. Starlight, David Pierini, Techno Ranger Rick, Joe's Weezlaff, Virgo Ares Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Charles Q. Choi, A Bug Named Nat, C.C. Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Death the Kid Big Whiskey All Cockinator Ron Was Here Magic Pony Robert Oliveri Often Wrong Dan Jess Gioia Paul A. Johnson Killer Odd Dr. Punt Gusher Esquire Will Earn the Pizza Party This Year Bajolanth Leif's One True Love Mermaid of the Dark Seas Cosmic Shrug Incorrigible Ross Deborah Wales SCRB Mark 11 Eric A. Raybourn Maggie's Yarm Stew Inth Anomaly Megan Mighty Haunt Purple Saline Three Legs Are Perfectly Good True and L.A. Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal The Ice Queen Captain Blepp Evie Power Terry PJ Says What? Amelia Lucero et al. Fear Now Doesn't Polish the Shiny Melon Blargo Blargo Blargo The Jazzman Tonight at 11 Larak the Barbarian S Hicks Bezzy Mates Zealous Pragma Tuba Rick It's Just Blake Alice Malice Disco Barbie Edition Kelly Jane Dankey Aaron the Optimist Thomas Stolen a.k.a. Casper from another universe. Chadney Ashra. Lucrezia. Thornis Animator. Tamara Oliver. The Real Dirt Fairy. Marissa. Oscar Ingalls. Ava. No, not that Ava. The one within... Grimm. Says, trans rights, y'all. Zachy Nat. Underwater Corvid. Spizarinctum. Snakes and Bakes. Michael Christian. Ransom. Mroonmai Salil. Grawlix and Tarabang. Late Indeed Again. Theron Pyralis. Om Vega. Coming this winter. Dances with Burritos. Guest and Loaded? Aaron Mitchell, Lady Keanu Meissen, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R. the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Maloran, Sweet Michelle, Kara, Call Me Then, Colibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Lisa Geisler, What the Chuck, Sona Nisuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Vanvoris, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatoichi, Inky the Kraken, Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful Squire Grabthar, Jen Extraneous, Trinket Coralie, Dancing Dog Dreams, and Existentially Exhausted Beans. And when we cross that wide old mountain you can run... I missed you guys so much! Terrific. For the record, Joseph, I prefer the second take. But they're both great. So pick your favorite. Since we're waiting for David, actually, could we just go back to it? Let's just go back to Effie's entrance. Could you give me a little more full metal jacket? I'll take it from a center made of ideas and then go into those. Terrific. Terrific. Hold on. I got my classic actor gas. love that that made it into the bloopers last night classic agner can premise lid yes premise lid oh i got it right until i fucked up the take change all you wish my hand will still hold yours i know i'm feeling like a little bit emotional here just reading that Oh, my God. It's fine. Oh, it's so good. She would think about what she's become. Hold on. Excuse me. Classic act of gas. Classic act of gas. Perfect. Perfect. The whole rhyming bit. That was all great. That's right. Okay. All right. It was. I don't know if great is what I would call it. I will allow it. Okay. It is allowed. Okay. Does that make sense? I know. I'm not speaking in English. What I want to hear is... Vibes only. Let's just try it again. I think so. Let's see if I can feel it out. Finley, you're dumb. You make no sense. It's fine. We're going to figure this out. We've perfected the warp tunnel maneuver. We can now completely dodge any... We've... That's a stroke. Okay. I'm here. Here we go. Shake it out. Okay. We've perfected the warp tunnel maneuver. We can now completely dodge energy bombardments from the home world without losing any ships. Okay. Try it one more time. Yeah. There we go. Okay. We've perfected the warp tunnel maneuver. We can now completely dodge energy bombardments from bombardments. Bombardments. It's like, that's not even a hard line. I'm just stupid. Like extra judicially. Okay. Okay. We've perfected the warp tunnel maneuver. We can now completely dodge energy and bombardment. Oh, no. I will die. Hello, bloopers. Oh, no. We can now completely dodge energy and bombardment. Is that the word? Is that the word? Energy bombardments is what you're looking for, yeah. Energy bombardments. Yeah. Excellent. Here we go. Okay. We've perfected the warp tunnel maneuver. We can now completely dodge energy bombardments from home world without losing any ships. Good. What else? Every time, like when I was younger, when I would perform anything that required singing or speaking, suddenly I was like, oh, my God, I need to burp. I need to burp so bad. Stress is fun. It's burping. There's slights and there's belchings. And then there's burping. Not bad. 35 minutes. I feel like that's actually a record. That's pretty great. It's amazing how much we can get done when we are on a timetable. I know. And like when no one is being murdered upstairs. Right? Four lines from the bottom, forgive me. Damn it, Starbird. Hey. Hey, bombardment. Do you need me to say anachronistic earthlings inexplicably possessing again? Because I practiced that one. All my grad school funds went into being able to say that one line. Worth it. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.