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I've been reading these stories for years. I never thought I'd be one to post. I'm sorry for the too long message. It's harder than I thought to edit and I don't want to sanitize my words with chat GPT. I'm 32 female and my husband is 36 male. We've been married for two years and together for nine and up until yesterday I thought we were genuinely happy together. A bit of context we have this thing where I change my name to random things on his phone every few months. They're always funny and well over the top. The last one was something like perfect human form. It's just a joke that's gone on for a few years. So yesterday he was in the shower and his work phone was out. So I changed my name in his contacts. As I did so, a notification for Snapchat came through with an image and the name of a woman he knew back home. He's from another country and moved here, UK, around ten years ago. As this was his work phone it was really weird so I clicked on it. It opened into a five day street chat with this woman with seriously crude texts, photos of both of them, not the face and then planning to meet up when he goes back. Eight times, locations and everything. She was even planning on taking a sick day from work. One of his depics was in our bed with me in the house. He is booked to go back for a few weeks at the end of November to see a very sick relative. I paid for his flight so he could see them before they passed. I had a panic attack and he walked out the shower to see me hyperventilating. I asked him why and how could he? He said it was only talking and that he'd been feeling neglected recently. I asked how and he said work was stressful and that he just wanted someone who wanted him for him and that he doesn't feel like he's ever enough for me. I had no idea. He hasn't mentioned anything and nothing has changed. A few years ago I think three to four when we first moved into our house he shared that he sometimes didn't feel enough for me. We went to counselling and worked through it. A major effort was made on both of our sides to get through it and I thought we had. Another thing is I know I can be hard work. I'm closer to type A than type B. I'm pretty successful career-wise and not massively touchy feely but I'm not closed off and have never given a shit about his job or anything like that. I even supported him for two years when he took a career break to try and become an actor. For fuck's sake he hasn't even paid towards the mortgage in four years as I didn't want him to feel dependent on me slash stretchers paid too thin. I don't know why I'm posting or what I expect from this. I just don't know what to do. I've kicked him out for now but there are major logistics to deal with as I work away and we have two dogs. How do I navigate this? I absolutely consider this as cheating. How can I make sure I don't let myself forgive him? He's been my life for almost ten years. I've supported him in every way. Can I end it for a week of messages? How can I not end it after that? Sorry for all the questions and I know this post will sit unanswered in the millions of other I'm so surprised he cheated stories but within 24 hours my happy, hard earned life is in flames and I'm staring at the wreckage. Let's face it his feeling neglected is just the classic deflection that we see time and time again in these stories. Him feeling not enough while you've been sort of paying for his existence the no mortgage payments the career breaks funded and all this kind of stuff. Blights to see relatives that have been paid for. If his complaint is that you are too successful and not needy enough. That's not about you being sort of inadequate. That's more about his ego struggle to dealing with your success. Well he's actually benefiting from it financially in several ways. And you asked at the end can you end it for a week of messages? Of course you can. I mean you need to just ask yourself can you stay with someone who's planning to do this and plan to betray you. Using the money you provided and then is blaming you for those choices and there was a thought process behind this. He's been planning this behind your back. Any moment during this process he could have been like you know this is fucked up and I shouldn't have been doing it cancelled the whole thing and not do it but there was a plan. But crazy dicks he says hmm I would cancel his flight ticket for sure. He's feeling down but not doing anything about it. He's planning to fuck someone else because his ego was stroked. What about your love and devotion? Yeah it's difficult but you can do it and even if you don't divorce him think about the fact that he actually needs to prove that he is sorry about what he did and not because he was caught. If there is no explanation the trust will not go back to what it was. It happened to me with my husband. Even now after 7 years I don't know why he cheated. I don't trust him and we regularly argue about anything. Commodore says I'd cancel the return flight. Another Commodore says and his hotel. Another Commodore says I know you love him. You must love him given everything you are doing for your relationship but I personally feel that your relationship is one sided that you are a building block or a mother to him rather than a life partner and that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. He's insecure. He's always been insecure. He's never lived up to his potential and that's why he feels he will never be good enough for you. You will never understand it because you're thinking you are good enough otherwise I wouldn't be here. But there's a deep deep issue in his psyche that takes years of intensive therapy to overcome plus the way he's gone about cheating is so strategic calculated and borderline sociopathic. Given that his friend is so sick and this is where his mind is. Leave him. Don't ever go back. Figure out the logistics with your dogs and life situation. Book the therapy sessions and don't ever let him come back in. Let him be where he wants to be. You're young, smart and have a lot going for you. The last thing you need is a grown man that disrespects you and steals from your joy. And one more commenter who says cheaper to bear a dog sitter than subsidize a worthless man. So, it was a month later that OP came back into their story and they said hi everyone. It's five weeks later and after how helpful so many of you have been, I wanted to give you an update. To start it off, many of you said that you've been cheating for longer or had done so before. You were right. I originally believed that I'd been cheating for a week but due to the particularly noticeable carpet in the hotel room one of the dick pics were taken in. I found out that I'd been going on for at least a month. Of course denied it and lied when confronted but that month included our nine year anniversary in countless other events. So, it was really really useful to stop me blaming myself. He's still adamant that it's never happened before and I do believe him but that didn't stop me from taking an STI test just in case. Or clean thank goodness. He also admitted to lying about them to having a previous relationship and I caught him in another lie about Snapchat messages so he stayed true to form. So, I kicked him out. We've only spoken twice. He left the dog so I guess they're my dogs now and wants a percentage of my house. I can't speak for other countries but in the UK marriage for enough years entitles you to half of everything regardless of who contributed what. Under advice from a lawyer we're staying amicable so he only takes the agreed amount and leaves my pension, savings etc. alone. On the dogs I've got a load more dog sitters and I've agreed to let them stay with him while I'm away with work as long as he covers most of their costs. Outside of this I did the usual. Changed the locks, cancelled his flights, threw out all his stuff on bin day and had a full blown breakdown as a crying drunk for a solid 7 days. I have great friends who are supportive but he's the only family I have slash had. So I've started seeing a therapist as well to help process and move forward. I'm taking this as an opportunity for a full reset and evaluation of what I want. Also I'm trying to move jobs. It's out of my house to move closer to friends and getting a load of dental work that I've been putting off. I've been putting off some injured dogs and it's turned out to be a truly horrific month. Honestly, it's really sucked but I'm rebuilding my life to be something I choose and it's getting easier week by week. Thank you all so so much for your help and comments when I first posted. Seeing the overwhelming support and brutal comments against both him and me put it into perspective and was enough to convince me that I wasn't crazy or overthinking this. I'm massively grateful for the dose of reality and don't worry to all of you who called me a doormat, thanks for that, I won't be taking him back or allowing anyone else to take advantage of me like that again. May the force be with you random reddit strangers and thank you again. Zellisidealad says you're actively doing something many people are incapable of. Throwing a big ol' middle finger to the sunken cost fallacy and restarting your life with a mission to seek out that which you deserve. Peace, kindness and loyalty and for that I applaud you. You're a badass OP and I'll be right over here in this tiny corner of the internet cheering you on. Double cheek says reset. What a great word for it. I always use these words renew, recreate or new beginnings. They all mean to give yourself a second chance at realizing the new life is full of possibility joy, happiness, legacy to live all the dreams you gave up for marriage. To dream again. I just wish that more betrayed spouses would have the courage to take the steps you have and not be abused by someone who is a proven cheater and adulterer. It is very hard and painful that decision will only last for a short season. My decision to move on and forward was over 40 plus years ago and I thank God that I made it. Not one regret. If you read these subs you'll find almost no one regrets leaving a cheater. Many regrets staying. Blessings, strength and peace to you. Catlike creature says I'm so curious how has this been for him and how did he react? Was he sad trying to make it right? Heartbroken without remorse. OP says very, very sad. He spent the first few weeks feeling really sorry for himself and in shock. He stopped blaming anything except himself. I think due to the therapist and going down the route of saying it was self-sabotage and depression and he needs to work on himself for a bit. This may all be very true and to be honest I kind of think it is. But he hasn't tried to reconcile or even made much of an effort to fight. No begging to chat or turning up. No suggestion of couples counselling etc. He just kind of rolled over and has been licking his wounds. Stinkai asks can he still get half the house even though he hasn't contributed anything in four years. OP says yeah, it's a law and I generally agree with to protect stay at home parents. Apparently the law doesn't differentiate between that and someone who wanted to try acting. According pizza says also who made the down payment? I'd get all your receipts and ducks in a row to at least fight him getting a cent more than he's legally entitled to. OP says and two lawyers agree. I'm staying amicable and trading the house for the rest. I don't want his debt either. Also on the table legally so compromise is the aim of the game. And there was a lot of comments just talking about the legalities and how he's going to be getting half of OP's estate when he hasn't contributed anything and he's a cheater etc. etc. I can't help but think you know the first comment about the sunk cost fallacy and getting out of that situation and like I always think of it like a grey cloud around you slowly lifting as time goes by. Really rebuilding your life and like the commenter said, recognising that you deserve peace, kindness and someone who's loyal to you. But what do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below and let's move on to another story. Now before we do get into the next story, I do want to give you a warning that there is talk of gambling addictions within the story so if you do want to skip it please feel free to do so. Timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. It's from throwawaynaive2809 and it says my husband told me he was trying to change but it was just a lie. He's been lying to me this whole time. I thought he was cheating but it was even worse. I'm so embarrassed. When I was first married my husband had no interest in gambling. When it started it was just a few casual bets on football. It's gotten out of control. He doesn't just bet on his football team now. He bets on matches in other countries such as American football or baseball. He even bets on individual sports such as golf and Formula 1. He gets angry at individual players if they don't do the things he needs to win his bet. It's more important than his team winning. I couldn't stand how much his gambling was costing us. At first I thought he was cheating with the way he was acting. I was devastated when I found out he was betting. I wanted a divorce but he begged me to stay and go to counselling. He said this was a wake up call and that he would never gamble again. We were going to counselling together and he's in individual counselling as well. He said he stopped gambling but he was lying this entire time. He's been in trouble with the police. They told me police in a different country were investigating posts from social media that threatened a player there and it was traced back to my husband. My husband lost a bet and blamed that player. I'm not giving him another chance. I'm moving out this week and I'll be seeking a divorce. My confronted enemy told me he never stopped gambling and he was just saying what I wanted to hear. I can't believe how stupid and naive I was. At first let's just start off by saying you're not naive. You're someone who loved and trusted your partner. Which you hope you would be able to do right? And he betrayed that. That's on him. That's not on you. But what he was doing, threatening a player is terrifying isn't it? That kind of behaviour. It's not just an addiction. It's crossed into super dangerous territory and the consequences on that could fall back on you both legally. However addicts are very good at lying because they lie to themselves first and foremost. The fact that he admitted to you that he was just saying what you wanted to hear through months of fake therapy shows. He was never really trying to change. I believe OP is doing the right thing and really needs to protect herself in this situation. Potentially one of those ones where they need to hit rock bottom before anything can change and OP doesn't need to be there for that. Comanis says to OP, don't you dare blame yourself. You did the right thing. You gave him a second chance. He blew it. Not you. Never feel guilty for being a sympathetic and reasonable person. Shame on him for failing you as a partner and shame on him for being a piece of shit. Maybe now that the police are involved, this may really be the wake up call he needed. However you are not obligated to give him a third chance and good for you for not doing so. Now give yourself the same grace you gave him and put your life back together how you want it. Make yourself happy. OP says, in quoting, maybe now that the police are involved and says, I was so embarrassed when I found out what he did and that the police are involved, my husband doesn't seem to share my feelings. He wasn't embarrassed or bothered by this at all. I found out that gambling on sports is becoming more and more of a problem. I never thought it would happen to me. Just jumping in here on the back of that because I saw a video a couple of weeks ago I think it was. It was released by a YouTuber you probably know him called Coffeyzilla and the video was titled Exposing the Gambling Epidemic. If you like that sort of thing go and check it out. Really interesting and extremely scary at the same time. You see streamers these days with that sponsored on there to just go and spin wheels etc etc day after day. He was talking about some sort of bank and app at one point that had some sort of gambling feature built into it as well and also just showing how it can hook people from a young age as well. You see it in games these days and places like I think one of the examples was Roblox where a website was made where you could gamble your robux and all this kind of shit. It's horrific. As I said if you like seeing that kind of stuff I strongly suggest you go check out that video but another commenter says I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's an addiction that's going to need far more than just couples counseling. Recovery is possible but you've got to do what you need to protect yourself and your financial present and future as well. With how it sounds like he's escalating he may find himself in major debt or even worse if he doesn't actually get help. I will be the rare one to say don't rush to divorce just yet. Starting to reserve insecure finances on your own that he does not have access to should be your first and top priority. Make sure you start saving money in your own account away from his or a shared one. Change your passwords on your bank accounts and card information and don't tell him then. Do tell him that you are separating yourself financially though. Take over bills, check your credit scores and make sure he hasn't dragged you or your money to his addiction. And after that you can start issuing more boundaries and even ultimatums about him getting help or you will walk for good. Counseling and individual therapy for both of you would be good as well. I know it's a lot but you can at least then say you tried everything and then if you do officially divorce and leave into his own devices you'll have your own finances available and established already anyway. I hope he says my husband was going to individual counseling and I had set boundaries but also in couples counseling. None of it made a difference. I will not be giving him another chance. He already had one. As I said in my post I'll be seeking a divorce. There is nothing my husband or anyone else can say to make me change my mind. I'm at a reply saying I hear you. That's why I said he needs actual help with gambling and to go to treatment for that and gamblers are none. Not just counseling. Your feelings and decision is completely valid. Nobody should fault you here. All addictions affect far more than just the addict. I just know how hard it is to decide divorce. I hope you're able to live a stress free and financially stable life. As well as heal from the heartbreak you've experienced. Mike's husband was a drug addict who became extremely abusive in every way possible. I asked him to choose rehab or divorce. He made a third opening of cheating on me so I chose divorce for him. I know it's not the same kind of addiction but you get the point. You're making the right choice for your life. Good luck and hopefully he's able to break the addiction before he ruins anyone's life especially his own. Opie says I'm sorry about what happened with your ex husband and I hope you're doing well now. The counselor my husband was seeing wasn't the same one we went for marriage counseling. He's a counselor for people with a gambling addiction. She also had him going to a support group but he still lied to me and kept gambling the entire time. Once he admitted he was only saying what I wanted to hear. I knew there was nothing else I could do to save our marriage. So it was one and a half months later that Opie did come into the post and says update to my husband told me he was trying to change but it was just a lie. He's been lying to me this whole time and I thought he was cheating but it's even worse and then says I moved out a month ago. I already told him I was going to be seeking a divorce. He doesn't want a divorce even though he outright admitted to me that he kept lying and only saying what I wanted to hear. On top of that he wasn't at all embarrassed or bothered by being in trouble with the police. There is no way I can stay married to him. The divorce process formally began this past week and I was clear with him about not wanting to see him or have contact ever again. I'm trying to move on. Thank you to everybody who left encouraging comments from me last time. They really did help. I did receive multiple messages saying I was being too sensitive or a stupid woman but I just deleted them and have turned off the chat feature now. I appreciate everybody who was encouraging me. I never thought something like this would happen to me. My husband didn't start betting until a few years into our marriage. Back then it was casual and only on football. Then he started betting on other sports such as American football and basketball and it got worse. I never expected anything like this to happen to me and I feel so naive and stupid for believing he was trying to change. It was all a lie. The majority of the comments on the back of this one just doesn't blame OP at all. The fact that he's not even apologetic for what's happened here. And suspect that this guy is just going to continue to spiral. And also talking about like we were talking about before how easy it is to gamble these days, the apps that's available, how rife it is on our screens. I've talked about this guy before but this was before the gambling was on our screen so much and he's a bit of an old school gambler who goes to the bookies and used to bet on horses that way. But they started putting the machines in the betting shops and he would go into them and he would convince himself that he could trick the machine. So he would go in and he would play like 20 pound a spin on these machines. The majority of the time he would be losing and he would convince himself that if I do this, if I change the stakes to a lower one, then a higher one, it tricks the machine. And occasionally he would win but just by like pure luck or pure odd, should I say. And then in his head, that's when it tells him, yeah, it did work. And he would win like two or 300 pounds in a spin, not counting for the fact that he just spent about 500 or whatever. It was incredibly sad to hear about. But anyway, I'm going off as usual and talking my usual shite. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. I had just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And don't forget, there'll be a playlist at the very end of the video that you can click on and it will automatically scroll through all the videos for you. Maybe you're working on a hobby right now, a bit of crochet, a bit of drawing. Don't forget to share it with me as well. I always love to see what you're up to. Whilst you're listening in and stuff, it does make my day. Thank you so much and I'll see you in the next one. Take care and much love. Seconds. That's the difference between life and death. I've seen it first hand. I'm Javid Abdu'munem, a doctor with Med-Sans-Saint-Frontier. As conflicts continue to spread across the world, it's crucial we can act fast. 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