E1127 - Ask Nick - My Husband Won't Change Diapers

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I planned out like a couple of them, but he was good at planning ahead. And then after the fifth one, I noticed him texting back like a little bit slower and not planning the next one. And I just felt like I, I like felt a shift even though I hadn't met, even though I hadn't seen him in person. And so I didn't want to end up spiraling like I do with other guys. So I texted him. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Slow down. You had met him in person on these five dates, right? Yes. But after the fifth date, you hadn't seen him and you, and you told yourself that he was pulling back. Yeah. Okay. Just okay. All right. All right. And so then I feel like sometimes with guys, when I start to feel them pulling back, I, I start spiraling. And so with this guy, I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to cut it off. What's the difference? Well, then I didn't have to wait for a text back from him. And when you spiral, what does that look like? Just out of curiosity? Checking my phone a lot. Thinking about all the texts I had sent and what I could have sent instead. If I did something wrong, you know, thinking too much like in my head. And you, what did you send them when you cut it off? I had texted him and said, do you want to hang out on Friday? It was like Wednesday or something. He texted back like a while later, like the same day. It was like seven hours later. And said that he couldn't on Friday and he didn't offer a follow up. Yeah. Yeah. Follow updates. So I texted him and said, actually, I've been thinking and I've realized this isn't what I'm looking for. I wish you the best. His response was, that's too bad to hear. I had a lot of fun with you, but I'm in a similar headspace. And he asked why the change of heart. And I said, I'm looking for something with some more consistency, which was kind of dumb because he had been consistent. And then I asked him why the change of heart. And he said, because he told me he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. He said, I've realized that I am not able to give you like the time that I, that you deserve to have something like that. And then I was like, okay, but then I ended up texting him again. So I texted him again, like, like two weeks later. And I said, I said, or like, how about if we get drinks again? And he said, I'm really sorry. I had a lot of fun with you. It's not about you, but I don't want to end up giving mixed signals again. And I don't have like the space in my life right now for something more serious, even though I didn't say I wanted something more serious necessarily. But I get where he's coming from. I want to see a picture of this guy. I can show you. All right. Oh yeah, I have one actually. Handsome. Yeah. Handsome guy. Yeah, he's pretty handsome. Well, I mean, listen, as far as this guy goes, I mean, yeah, I think we're, I think it's time to move on probably. I'm not even in a position to say, oh, your intuition was wrong. It's probably not great that you did it the way you did. No, you know yourself. You've been in these positions. It's self-preservation, right? Like you said, you know that you were feeling the feeling, whatever this feeling was, you know how in the past it would just, you'd go bananas, you know? You just, yeah, you didn't want to do that anymore. You sent him a message. Now, there's a small chance that when you send him that message, you caught him off guard a little bit. It seemed a little, but you know, it seemed like, hey, do you want to hang out? No. All right, this isn't working for me. It was probably a bit of a, like two different, very, two very different messages. And then he could have responded just saving face, you know? It's not working for me either. His praise probably not going to respond and be like, wait, no, I'm in love with you. Well, I don't expect that. I'm not in love with you. He could have just said, that's really disappointing me here. Let me know if you change your mind. He could have said that. I've said that before, you know? I'll tell him he should say that. No, but he didn't. So that's okay. And then you did follow up two weeks later and he declined. So like, that's, you know, I think it's time to move on. And so I guess more than anything, you probably didn't make like a huge mistake, you know? I mean, your messages were a little goofy, but like nothing, nothing you couldn't come back from if you really wanted to. But more importantly, how do we avoid you spiraling in the future? Yeah. Because almost certainly, no matter who you go on a date with next, there's going to be like a period where like he, whoever he is, is going to like pull back a little bit, you know? That's a normal thing. When you were dating him, did you immediately go off the apps? No, I went on one more date after our first date with someone else. I tried going on dates with other people because I feel like my friends have said it helps to go on dates with other people. So you aren't thinking too much about the one person, but like I just. Maybe, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Depends on the person. But my point is, is that everyone's doing that. So even though you're having five consistent dates before you like have the talk of are we exclusive but not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, which is what you can seem to do these days. You know, he's also going on dates, you know, or these people were going on dates. And so that's not to tell you that to freak you out or have, you know, but like it's just normal nowadays, I feel like, or just in general, for people to not be is totally linearly consistent, you know, that's great. Yeah, true. So how do you avoid freaking out? Because it's, you know, a freak out is always going to feel like a freak out to whoever you're freaking out to and they won't have the context as to why you're freaking out. Don't give them a reason to be like, well, no, okay, hold on. Well, and so then I try to tell myself, I'm like, I don't really actually know them. It's only been like whatever, three, four or five dates. Yeah, which is all true. Yeah, it is all true. And it kind of helps a little bit. But like, it doesn't fully. In what way? You're just, you're just locked in in your mind. You're kind of obsessing. Yeah. So like, what are you obsessing about? Why they might not be responding like thinking, like if they had mentioned that they, I don't know, go to the gym after work, I'm like, okay, well, he should be home by now. Like, so he probably should be responding by now. Or just like thinking about just giving it too much energy and thinking about it all too much. I'm trying to figure out how to say this to you. You can say that. No, I know. I mean, I'm just trying. I want to say it in a way that's like helpful. This is not meant to be a, this is not about you. Like men are just not that complicated. You know what I'm saying? Like in the sense that they're either like super into you, oh, they're not, you know? Yeah. And the energy you're like, you're analyzing yourself to a degree that they're not analyzing you. When you're going on these dates, it sounds like you're very much, all right, what are they going to find out about me? What's wrong with me? What don't they like about me? What did I say wrong on a date? I don't think men get the ick quite like the ladies do. It's possible. Men do get the ick. I don't think we're quite as fickle. Like you could trip and fall and he'll still go out with you. Yeah. And it seems like sometimes the boys aren't allowed to look a little clumsy. It's like right now you're saying I don't really know them. Like you're saying it after you feel the anxiety and the panic and then you're trying to talk yourself off the ledge by, you know, be like, I know I feel these anxious feelings and I'm freaking out, but like I don't really know them. It's just about rejection. You know, it's just about like not being accepted or oh, it's happening again. You know, it's not about, you're not logically thinking about the stranger not liking you. So it's hard for you to like that line of thought isn't stopping you or helping you from getting out of that space. And like I feel like a psychologist would be like your frontal lobe is, you know, whatever the f***. But it's more about like you just kind of coming in with a frame of mind early on in the dating time. You really just have to really almost disconnect a little bit. Right now, you're going on other dates with guys to distract you from him. Mr. Wright, you know, the guy, you know, like, you know, and if you're doing that way in that mindset, you're only making it worse, right? Like, you know, it's like when you, if you get your heart broken, you know, and then your friends tell you to go, you're like, oh, I got to get back out there. If you start dating too soon after a bad breakup, it just makes you miss that person even more. It doesn't help you, right? Because then you're just comparing, you know, most dates you go on, you're not into them, you know, like, right? Most dates you're like, oh, you know, here's another person. Great. Yeah. And unless you, you know, meet someone you are really excited about, which is already rare, you know, then that just makes you pine over the person you're heartbroken. And in your case, like, that's not much different. You're not heartbroken, but you are excited about someone already. So dating, going on dates to forget about the person you're excited about is only going to make you more excited. Unless... That's actually a good point. Yeah. Unless you get, unless you get lucky with like, oh my God, he's, I'm also excited about him. But just like, yeah, just some guy buying you a meal or a drink, just to only find out that he's super into like the Marvel Universe is like, not gonna like, it's not gonna help. Well, I feel like that's how it, what happened. The date I went on after my first date with the five date guy, I went on a date with someone else and I just was like, oh, I like that other guy so much more. And then it just makes me, and then I just started thinking about him more. I guess also my thing on dates is kind of separate, but is when I'm on dates, I just kind of talk a lot when I'm nervous. And so I'll often lead the conversation, like maybe a bit too much. I don't, I feel like that's also who I am as a person. I'm not like, I'm kind of like assertive. And like, yeah. Do you ever, have you ever acknowledged your nerves on a date? Just feeling honestly, I get a little nervous on dates and I talk too much and with a little bit of vulnerability? No, if I could do that, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. It's worth a shot. I mean, it's better than you being a little goofy on the other end of the table and they're like, what's going on there? You have an endearing personality to you. Like you have a very likable demeanor and you can tell you have a bit of a nervous energy. That's okay. It's charming. It's charming. So if you are into someone, you can be like, honestly, I just, and you can just don't have to, don't gas them up. You know, you don't have to be like, oh my God, I'm just so nervous to meet you. It's like, first dates, you know, first date jitters. They just make me nervous. Like, you know, you seem cute, but I don't know, meeting strange men, just, yeah, okay. Just be a little goofy, a little, throw in a little humor. You seem like you have to sense the humor. You like funny people. Yes, they have to be funny. But I feel like guys don't often like girls to be funny. They just want to be funny. Well, sure. Maybe that's not sure. It depends on the guy. Everyone likes a sense of humor. You know, yeah. Now the funny guy doesn't want to have to compete for jokes. Yeah, true. Okay, so then when things end up coming to a close, like I end it or the guy ends it, I do what I often did with the guy I was telling you about, where I'll, even though I know it's over, then I start thinking about it even more, and then I want to reach back out again. That's normal. Oh, and then I do. That's fine. What do you have to lose? I don't know. Like you rich, you know, yeah, I don't think it's a crime. I don't like, as long as you're like, the only thing you have to lose is a little bit of like, it's an unnecessary sad afternoon by like deciding to obsess over something for the sake of obsessing over it, and then convincing yourself you should reach out when deep down you really know you shouldn't or it's not going to do anything and then only to get rejected and then like, just kind of like have a bad afternoon. Like that's the only thing you have to lose. And if it's not that bad, then shoot your shot, girl. Yeah. Okay. Cause then I found that once I end up sending that text, I'm not obsessing anymore. I don't even care if they respond. There you go. So maybe, okay, whatever. Now I'm not thinking about anyone. There you go. My friends are like, no, don't text him. Oh my god. That's fine. Okay, great. That actually helps. I can just give you a no. I do think, I said this with love to your friends. Stop asking them for dating advice. Okay. Yeah. And I don't, I just, it's the blind leading the blind. And I don't mean, and listen, that's a very generality, but if it's like single people, everyone's just projecting their own dating experiences onto their friends. If you have someone, man or woman, who is a friend who's kind of outside of the dating scene, who is content with their romantic life, whether they're a nun or married or just like not out there, not out there fighting the good fight like you are. It's like, if they're out there on the grind, on the apps like you, they're not going to be giving you solid advice because it's a minefield out there. And it's a lot of like, they're going to give you advice that they want someone to say to them. Yeah. You know, maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. And people have strong opinions on their dating advice too. Yeah. So like if they tell you not to text them, they're really like, don't text them. So messes with me a little bit. So yeah, I mean, I can just stop asking people. Stop asking other single people. Yeah. Yeah. Single people. Yeah. I mean, most of my friends are. I literally, I don't know how to forget I was, I was old enough to know better. But I was very single. And I decided I saw someone's IG content and I was like, oh, they're cute. It's a little different than the type of person I had gone for in the past. And then a girlfriend of mine, friend, that's a girl, was simultaneously into this guy who was out with the boys and hadn't been reaching out to her, you know. Yeah. And he, she was literally waiting for him to call. And so I was telling her about this girl. I was like, yeah, what are you saying? I was like, I, you know, I like, I wanted to, and she's like, I'm super in, I love this for you, you know, and she just kept convincing me to reach out to her. I kept reaching, you know, and all she wanted was this guy to reach out to him, her. It was the worst advice. I knew she was giving me bad advice, but I wanted it. I wanted, I was looking for, I wanted to be convinced to like, keep trying to reach out. I looked like a fucking psychopath because she was like, she's just like, yeah, that was like, she was just telling me what she really wanted this guy to do for her. You know, she'll love it. And I'm like, no, you'll love it. You know, like, I'm going to look like a psychopath. Yeah. And then I did. I did look like a psychopath. Oh, and that's what happens. They, people give bad advice and then, you know, it's bad, but you, it's like what you want to do. Okay. So basically I should just maybe on a first date, let them know I'm a little nervous. If you feel nervous, yeah. If you feel that nerves and you feel kind of jittery and you feel like you're talking too much, take a breath. Yeah. You know, I got, you know, first date nerves, man. It's not even that I'm nervous to meet them. I don't really care. It's more just that I don't like when there's a silence in a conversation. So I get nervous that there might be a silence in a conversation. Maybe that's helpful. Like, you know, maybe, you know, if there are, first dates are awkward, no one likes the uncomfortable silence. And if you're, you have the guts enough to say something, there's nothing wrong with that, you know? I mean, they always ask for a second. So yeah. So it seems to be going. Well, a lot of the time though, they I'm just not interested or yeah, that's okay. But listen, I talked to a lot of people who have a hard time getting that second date. So like, don't discount the fact that like you clearly are a good conversationalist. And that is honestly in today's day and age, a lot harder for people. Well, I talk a lot, but I'm like, not caring that I'm going on a date with them in particular. But then once I start to like them, it's like, I turn crazy. You and everyone else. It's not even just the guys. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. You know, again, that story I told you, I don't seem to be the guy. I, you know, that story I told you, I I mean, I wasn't crazy, but I was like knowingly getting bad advice and taking it. Yeah. You know, and that's kind of crazy. Like in the past few months, there's been a couple of guys I've gone on more than four dates with, which I feel like is when it starts to get more real. And I feel like whenever those kinds of things end, it's just so disheartening. And it's like, I have to do this again. Last thing you had a like a long term boyfriend? A year and a half ago. How long was that? For two years. How that end? I was moving, but also I kind of didn't really like him that much. And I feel like the whole second year of dating, I wanted to break up. And then I was moving. So that made it easy. When you say the I have to do this again, what is that? What is what is the thing you have to do again? Go back. Well, I don't really mind being on hinge, I guess, but it's more like go on a first date, which I'm never excited for. They end up being fine, like maybe half the time, but when they're not fine, I'm like really not having it. And then how do you get out of those dates? I tell myself, like I had a date this past what Tuesday, and I told myself, it was at seven. So I told myself I had to stay until eight, 15. And then like if it's if it's that I can leave at eight, 15. Because sometimes on dates, I'm like sitting there and I'm like, it's only been half an hour. Anyway, that guy on Tuesday did not like him. And then I'm tired for work the next day. And I like, I'm like, why did I even go on a date? I knew I wouldn't like him. So what led up to that first date? I'm curious. What kind of conversations on hinge? Not much. He lives in my neighborhood. So I think we talked a little bit about like what restaurants we like around here. And then it wasn't really wasn't much on hinge. I don't really like to talk too much before it first date. Is no one taking my advice out there? No one's doing the zoom dates of the face. I think about that all the time. So I listen to the podcast a lot and you always say that. And I think it's good advice, but I think guys would find it weird. We had a caller the other day who who said as much or well, I mean, it wasn't that she found it weird. She suggested it. And he was like, no, I don't want to do that. And she was like, well, okay, that I I agreed with her. She saw it as like a red flag. Yeah, but also if a guy asked me to FaceTime, I don't know if I'd want to either. Just because like maybe I do things a little different. I mean, you know, I think it's for a girl to ask. Yeah, it's like, Hey, are you gonna remember me? I honestly think the reasons why people wouldn't ask or for the reasons why you might save yourself the energy and time, you're willing to go on dates, you're active on the apps, you see, it sounds like I'm getting the impression that like when it comes to your dating problems, it's not finding the dates, it's not having the guts to go on the dates, it's not knowing what to say on the first dates, you're actually you're doing that's all great. And so many people struggle with various aspects of that part, like it's all hard, right? And you're you're you seem to be pretty good at some of the hard stuff, right? But like, it's just fucking exhausting. And then you get a little anxious, once you start liking a guy, and you become a different person, which is a whole other thing. But right, like the kind of the grind of the dating, you're actually got that down, you're not that bad at it. And you're, you know, but like, many of them, you're just not into, which is like, that's good. That would it would be a problem if you were like, they're all great. And I'm like, they're not all great, you're just you've, you need to up your standards. So like, you're not supposed you're like, you're supposed to get excited, maybe one out of five guys, maybe. And so the other four dates, you're just like, fuck, you know, like, and like, many of those, at least half of those, maybe all of them, you could figure that out on a zoom date. Now, understand that like, it's not as common. It's, you know, you might get a little, I just like, if I were, if I wanted to go on a date with a girl, I have a limited time on dating apps, but I've been, you know, I've been on them for a minute, you know, and so it's just that like, right, like, you have all these matches, right, you're swiping, you're swiping, you're swiping, think about like, your mindset, right? It's and the guy's going to be the same way, like, you're swiping, you're swiping, you're swiping, you know, and then you have like, what, five or 10 matches, then you talk to a handful of them. It gets a little cloudy in terms of who you're really excited about. Short of like, you just thinking they're really hot, that's the only thing you can really trust is their picture for the most time, but they can lie about their picture. So then there's also that, you know, and they can be a little deceiving, but like, so you're only getting really excited, but and I just remember like, a lot of times when you think about dates, you're kind of like, should I, should I not? You're kind of convincing yourself. The boys are like, I don't know, this is going to cost me like 60 bucks. Do I really, you know, and you know, and you're like, for them, they might be like, I can just zoom and save some money. Maybe. Yeah. That's actually good. But how you frame it matters is like, let's say, listen, you seem cool, but let's face time and like, you can maybe be jokie about it. I guess what I'm saying, and I think, I think about this strongly. I think you're just going to weed a lot of people out. I just think the guys who get really defensive and weird. It's just not that hard to get on. Like you guys are 10z, you know, you guys are the tech age, you know, like a, you know, I come from an era when like, face timing was new and I was talking to a girl a long distance and she was like, that's weird. We don't like, huh? Like, because it was literally new. Now, like you're face timing your friends all the time, right? Like I'm guessing you guys even call on the phone or is it always face time, right? Like it's half and half. Half and half. Right. So you're pretty, everyone's doing it. Everyone's doing it. The friends, the boys are doing it with the guys. Like it's not that normal to jump on a face time or a zoom. I, you know, I don't think you should be sharing your number with a bunch of strange dudes, which is why zoom is kind of nice. But like, you could just be like, yo, like, let's save each other like the first date awkwardness and like, let's have a fun zoom date. You know, it's like, also you guys were five years removed from COVID. Like everyone knows how to jump on. It's not that weird anymore. And yes, a lot of guys will say no, but I firmly believe that they're like, you saved yourself. Like it's not that weird. Even if it's just like, I'm a girl, you're a guy, I want to feel safe. It's such an easy opportunity for men to make a woman feel safe. And if they do the opposite, that's a red flag on them to not have the self-awareness that maybe she's asking for a little bit of comfort and confidence. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like often within the first like 10 minutes of a day, I know if I want to be there longer or not, but then you have to sit there. Listen, my whole life of being on TV, people told me, I look taller in person and they said I was better looking in person. And, and I'm sure I could have this like, but if I were like nervous about that, you know, if I were dating, you know, like just have a sense of humor, but like I swear to God, I'm better looking and taller in person, you know, like or whatever, you just have, you just be silly or fun or whatever. It's, you're just, what are you looking for in a Zoom? You're just looking for like a little bit of rapport, a little bit of ease, you know, if you go on a Zoom, it's just like, hey, so I don't know, like what did you want to talk about? You're going to be like, okay. And also like, I feel like there's some, like they don't have their, their jobs sometimes on their hinge. So like there's some questions you can ask on Zoom or FaceTime that would be careful about like jumping on a Zoom and be like, so what do you do? No, I know, I know, I'd play because that's what do you do is how much money you make? Yeah, I mean a little bit, but also like certain jobs I wouldn't not as interested in. Like what? So curiosity? Well, I know you used to do sales, so no offense, but sales. Okay. What is it? I want a job where people make a, like a positive impact. I'm a kindergarten teacher. So like, to me, it's pretty important that I do something that like makes a big impact every day. And I feel like some jobs, if you're just doing it to make money, I don't really find that that attractive. Okay. I want you to be like really passionate about why you're doing what you're doing, or like trying to do something positive. And sales, I feel like you're just trying to sell stuff to people who don't want to buy it, but maybe I'm wrong. I've gone varying opinions on this. I think people in the sales industry, you can get a mixed bag of people like anything else. I've met some really shitty teachers as people, not many as teachers. I've met some really shitty healthcare workers. Sales certainly attracts a certain type of motivated person. Often they are money motivated for sure. That being said, you know, despite being in sales, like, I don't know, there was a period of that time where I, you know, I don't know, I donated my time every Saturday out of food pantry for three years. Oh, that's very nice. You know, I'll still in sales, you know. So like you can, you don't have to, there's, there's, you can, you can, you can be a pretty good guy or person in being sales. You can also be a shitty person. So, you know, trying not to judge a book by its cover, but I do think you can use it as a data point. That's like, all right, sales, there's a good, you know, you know, you can ask them, what are they passionate about? Yeah. But yeah, I also will say it's sometimes hard, especially for men or people, you know, but like, I think, you know, guys have this desire to feel like they know what their, like, what's their career going to be. I have this kind of belief that if you're under the age of 30 and you run some kind of nonprofit charity, you're a con artist, which is a real generalization. It's a huge generalization. Like, I'm gonna be high on that. But my, my logic is like, that's something you do because like you've made it and you've have a passion and now you have some extra time on your hand and you truly can give back and very few people are set with, you know, but, and if there's a lot of loopholes and nonprofits and foundations to be kind of shady and also there's a lot of good will that comes with it and it looks great and it's flattering and it's, you know, and it, but it's like, you know, usually the person who does that with really pure intentions isn't chasing anything else. They've have everything else. They've, they've, they've met their dreams and goals and careers. And I think the person who's like still figuring it out and the thing they were trying to figure out is the not for profit that the chances are there may be searching for other, other things. Maybe try to generalize a little bit less. People can, you can, it's, yeah, it's dangerous to generalize because I think you weed out a lot of good people because there's good people everywhere. There's bad people everywhere. You know, it's like, it doesn't matter what city you're in, you can find great people. You can find shitty people. There's just more of those people in, in let's say larger cities, you know, but just try to slow down a little bit. I think you're doing a lot of good things when it comes to dating and when you get, when you get freaked out, I guess. Yeah, definitely just don't end it because of a vibe. Should I have asked like, just want to check in about how this is going or just leave it, just wait for him to text me about another date because I just had asked him already. Well, maybe somewhere in the middle, you know, you felt like he was pulling away a little bit. And then in like one time he wasn't available and the first time his patterns changed, you just like cut it off. But like, again, you weren't totally wrong. You notice a change in his behavior, you call them out. The, what the alternative is to, it's just the aggressive, like the, because you're trying to avoid that like period of this like freaking out. Yeah. So in that case, you did help, it's less about what you should say to them and more about how do you get yourself in a place where the unknown doesn't freak you out? Well, I guess I'll work on that. Well, I think what you can try to work on, and then I do, another way we have to go is like this mindset of like, oh, after four, like four or five dates isn't much, right? You've done it before, you'll do it again. And there's something about you going on four or five dates that makes you like kind of start thinking, oh, this could be something. And almost getting you in like girlfriend relationship mode, it's only been four or five dates. And you're not building that much rapport. And this whole starting over, it's just like you, you're acting like it's like the Retsys, you have you had a past relationship, you kind of work almost giving you've never had a boyfriend when you said that because it was like, well, there's, I mean, the, the starting up like the people, like when you have a relationship for a year or two, and then you have that comfort and you let familiarity and you're not dating, you're not going on the grind. And there's just to go back out in the dating world is definitely like, oh my God, I got to do that again. That sucks. Maybe you just need to take a little bit of a dating break, you know, because you've been in it for a minute, you know, and that's okay. Okay. Well, I really appreciate the advice. I hope this was helpful. I'm just, yeah. It was and congrats on the twins. And thanks for having my favorite podcast ever. It's awesome. Well, I appreciate you saying that. It means a lot. But yeah, it's just slow down. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're doing good things. Do you, do you see, get therapy? Are you in therapy? I like here and there and then, and then I stop. What do you go to therapy for when you go? She's not really like my therapist is the problem. Get a new therapist. Yeah, new therapist, I know. There's a lot of therapists out there. Well, I only ask because then again, I'm not, I don't know, like, I'm not a like attachment style expert, but this kind of nervous energy, like you, you got to figure out and that's really your thing is just to like how to regulate your emotions when you're feeling the most anxious. Like who do you call and reach out to? You know, I'm not always available. And your friends are, your friends are not the people you need to be going to. And honestly, like just how to regulate those kind of when you're really feeling that anxious feeling, finding someone who's really good at helping you regulate those emotions without giving you bad advice, you know, because sometimes the answer isn't to do anything. It's just to read it's to change your perspective or reframe your thinking. Sometimes it's just like take, take a fucking beat, take a breath, like think about literally anything else. Just calm the fuck down, you know, someone might say a little bit more helpful than that. No, that's more helpful. You know, sometimes that's just the answer. Let's just go do something else. That's I don't know. I don't have the answer. It doesn't matter. It'll figure yourself out. Let's just go do anything else. In the meantime, he is just a guy you barely know. And I don't know what's going to happen, but like, you are going to be fine. So save yourself to freak out. And let's just whatever. Like and also what I said in the, like your it's a waste of energy. You being like, was it me? Is it this? Is it that? Like, I just remember when I was single, it's like, it's just not that complicated. We don't have the answer. Do you have the answer when you're dating? When you get the ick? Can you explain it? You know what I'm saying? Is it like something where if a guy was like, well, can you explain to me why you, you know, you wouldn't even have an answer. You'd be like, I don't know. I just don't, you know, and I or I just do. So instead of like dissecting your behavior and over analyzing every little thing you did or didn't just you, they don't have an answer. You know, it's just a vibe that early on. So they're either into you or they're not, you can't do anything about it. So like, why are you spending a bunch of time trying to figure out what you did wrong? True. It's not helping me. Just put something in my head. Yeah. And you do give off an energy and by you, I mean, just mean anyone when you're like, just don't give a shit. That's so, you know. Yeah. Because then they like you if you seem to not care. Or and they like, people want to chase. People want to chase. People want to. I know. But like, if I know I like you, I like you. So then I have to play. But you don't know if you like them. You don't. He's a he's a nice face and a good sense of humor. And that's neat. But like, so does Wes Wilson. And now we're we're thinking he's kind of not a great guy. You know, I don't know if you watch Summer House. No, I don't. I don't know about it. That's okay. But he's a very he's a good looking funny guy who's been turns out he's been, you know, yeah, being your classic fuck boy. Yeah. And I guess, I mean, even if you end up dating them, you might know after a year, you don't like them. Correct. Yeah. That's, you know, the guy you dated for two years. And then a year you stuck with them after you didn't like them. There was a point where you were like excited about them. There he would have been if he would have been less into you, you would have freaked out, you know, and then you ended up being like, Oh, God, my God, you here. So find your friend that helps you slow down. And maybe that friend is a new therapist. Okay, well, I'll look out for one. All right. Good luck out there. Keep us posted. You too. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Keep us posted on your dating life. I will. All right, take care. All right. Bye bye. Interesting to me. 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Go to naturium.com slash v i a l l for 10% off your first purchase today. That's naturium.com slash v i a l l. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Sarah and my husband says cruel things to me on purpose to make me feel bad and I am 22. Okay. How is your husband? He is also 22 or only three months apart. How bad is it that you think about leaving or? I am because of the things that he has said and then I mean part of his depression but like listening to different people talk about their depression. If you're depressed it doesn't make it your partner's fault for you to be mean to them I feel like and I feel like I'm like the punching bag in a way. He said things I guess I don't know there's just so many I don't really know which where to start with it but one big thing is he told me he was regret getting married to me but then with like backpedal on it and he like no I didn't mean that but we'll say it to me and be nasty and he also told me that I baby trapped him with our daughter and we're married which I did not do. I don't know how you baby trap your husband. After you get married? Yes we had been married for two years. Does your husband like suffer from like clinical depression or is it like sometimes he's sad? Um he actually is depressed he had a very like terrible childhood. Okay. That's legit and it's not just like something that he's just sad sometimes. Okay. But he seems to let it out on me and then it just I don't know. Stuff yeah. When he's not being a total asshole to you does he recognize how bad it is or is he still kind of is he or is he a little dismissive or it's just like you're overreacting it's not that bad I'm sorry but like get over it. Yeah he recognizes how bad it is but then like we'll say that he's sorry but then fact go back on it because he'll say like well I'm this way because you don't make me feel comfortable or safe to be nice to you about it and I'm just like what do you mean? So I'm not very good at like remembering exact things so like when we get in arguments and things and he tries to bring up stuff I can't like remember because that's just not my brain works and have a baby and it's just it's a lot. When I was going through this like the majority of it I started like taking notes of things one thing I wanted to say is so he recognizes it and then he told me I say mean things to you to hurt you to make you feel how I feel and he like told me that. Well as hard as that I mean like that's fucked up first of all he shouldn't say that to his wife and that's really mean and I'm sorry he's saying that but I'm sure you've heard the saying hurt people hurt people so as crazy as that sounds in a weird way he's articulating and being honest with his reasons for doing it which honestly seem honest it's you know it's fucked up but in a weird way he is kind of recognizing it. I don't know if I could be mad because it's just like he recognizes what he's doing but it's also does that make it worse? What it doesn't make it is okay like his reasonings and his depression is certainly above my like ability to like diagnose or explain to you like what you should or shouldn't be okay with and more and more importantly like why he does what he does but you know I guess to correct myself I do feel like I can strongly say like you don't have to be okay with like it doesn't it's not an excuse for poor treatment especially consistently poor treatment especially when it's your husband especially when you have a kid together and especially when some of the things he says is potentially really damning like we all have a limit and you can give your husband grace and you have empathy for his condition but at some point you need to be happy to you're getting to a place correct me if I'm wrong where you're starting to wondering if what he's saying is true like how much is true because you keep saying it it's like the our our drunk thoughts honest thoughts or something like that you know like our it is is is he's saying it you know maybe he's hurt but like what point what part of it is is he also does he also believe it you know it's like sometimes we don't say things because we we still believe it but we we don't say it because it's still mean you know it's just like well I'm not going to say that you know but deep down maybe I believe it and now you're I'm guessing it's starting to get into your head it's been hard because just like been ongoing for since she was born really well before that but it got worse after she was born and he just hasn't really made too much of an effort with her too so then him treating me the way he's treating me and then treating her the way he's treating her how does he treat her well he won't like interact with her so I get like coming home from work being tired you like worked all day whatever but like every day to come home go straight into the bathroom and go sit in there and go shower sit on your phone and then sometimes smoke some weed and just sit in there and he'll be in there for anywhere from an hour to five hours when he comes home and then just go straight to bed other days it's just fine he comes out he'll sit with us it'll be whatever but he won't interact with her he'll just sit and play on his phone and I'm just like well what if most dads are like this the most dads just sit and play on their phone I don't really know I don't think so or I don't know not the good ones you know I mean that's about changing your diaper too like he was weird about that he was like well I don't want to change your diaper because it's like we're not like the same and then like so if he hasn't really changed any diapers or anything that's like that's crazy a man I don't know if they normally do I I changed a lot of diapers I changed more diapers than Natalie you know she gives me the uh and I'm happy to do that Nellie Nellie does so much that you know I don't do but I'm happy to do uh that and that's just a weird thing to say I mean like yeah everyone deserves a privacy but don't be fucking weird it's your kid and just change their diaper you know and so a lot of his just built an excuse is he's 22 the big question is like what is he he can recognize there's an issue songs like he does apologize sometimes like what is he doing about it to change the behavior if anything I mean the past two weeks he's kind of just been interacting with this more and it just feels like because it was about two or three weeks ago where I told him I was like I I literally can't do this anymore like I'm not going to sit here and suffer because you're miserable and then you want to make everybody else around you miserable and hurt so he's just been like interacting more I was like I don't know if he's trying to like interact with us and be around us and be more pleasant because he cares and he was like oh shit like she's gonna leave or it's a temporary thing to get me to cool off so that I don't get to that point even though I'm still like almost in that limbo that everybody talks about it's like what is it too too good to leave or too bad or I don't remember saying but well the reality is is like you're in a very difficult spot I mean you have a young child you're married this is not like leaving your situation ship or your boyfriend of a year or even your fiance it's a challenge for you right so like you would probably definitely not stay in this situation if some of those things weren't a reality so I don't even think it's a matter of like not quite bad enough to leave but you know type whatever the saying is I get what you're trying to say but I think the reality is is like it's gonna be it's this is a for you to leave is this a huge it's a huge it's a very scary thing and then it feels like you know like breaking up the family unit and then it's like it feels like it's all my fault it's definitely not your fault I want her to have a whole thing but it's like she doesn't deserve to watch us not like each other and then part of me that feels like I'm really shut off to this now is I don't really feel anything towards him I just do what I do and then yeah he just does what he does and he thinks that we're all fine but I'm just sitting here thinking I feel nothing I feel numb like I'm just on autopilot right now but recently you have told him that it's not all fine correct mm-hmm yeah he understands that we're still trying to like because we got in the arguments and stuff and then we were gonna get divorced and then we were like okay well we're gonna work on it but it's not for sure that we're gonna state it yeah what was the working on it part him just like not sitting in the bathroom his entire day like actually not sitting on his phone all day what does he do about his depression so he he didn't really talk to his family for a long time and he finally reconnected with them which they had issues so that was a hard thing but he loves his dad so much and he needed to start talking to his dad again for at least for him to make himself feel better he started doing that and that seemed to make him not feel as depressed but then it's like I don't really understand how someone's brain works out depressed but he was just like he'll be fine and then he's just like I just want to kill myself and like we'll say in front of our daughter and I'm like she does not need to listen to this I know she's a baby it doesn't understand but she'll understand soon enough yeah no that is a good point but when I say like is he in therapy I mean he's if he's no he went to therapy but then he came back from therapy and um told me that the therapist um was out to get him and that did she didn't like him and this therapist also sees my mom sometimes has seen me and so he thinks that she's just like because one time when he went there she accused him or not not like directly accused him but like was like you can tell me like if you did something like kind of almost like saying that if he cheated on me or something that he could tell her which pretty sure he has never cheated on me and well if he knows that you're seeing this therapist and your mom seeing this therapist I can see why he doesn't feel totally safe with this therapist well that was him meeting me in the middle was going this therapist because he wouldn't find his own therapist like because I was like you need to go talk to somebody about this and he was like no and then he was seeing her and I stopped going to therapy because I was like I'm fine I don't need to go to therapy I mean I could but I don't want to at this time and then he just it was just all bad things it was the therapist is this or that but I understand what you're talking about it's great that you're communicating that you're fed up that's hard enough to do but it doesn't sound like he has the tools or the ability to or you guys have the tools the ability to fix this on your own like what does that mean you know like I smoke weed so it's like I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here but like I'm also not clinically depressed I don't know how smoking weed affects someone who is actually depressed I'm guessing not great probably doesn't help I could be wrong yeah I don't think it helps I mean maybe sometimes you might feel a short term like it helps you in one day but not like for the long term but the point is is like if if all you're doing is just hoping that he's gonna wake up and be a different person someday I don't think that's gonna happen you there have to like really sit him down and to say hey I really want to make this work and he's got to be willing to want to do something he's got to say I want to fight for my family I don't want to be this way I'm sorry I do this to you you know you need to at least in the middle in between the these toxic times it doesn't make what he says okay but if he's not even like acknowledging what he's doing to the point where he doesn't want to be this person and he's willing to do something about it then he's not giving you much to work with yeah you're only 22 you have a lot of life ahead of you you're gonna be okay I probably doesn't feel this way right now but he's got to give you a reason to have hope and hope's already dangerous enough but he's not you're he's not giving you much so I'm not telling you to leave or anything like that but just make sure you know what you're fighting for and make sure yeah if nothing else do you feel like you have someone at least there who also wants to try to fix this and what is he willing to do with you to fix it being off his phone a little bit less is not that's not it's bare minimum not also like yeah it's avoiding the triggering states where he says these really mean things to you and things that sit with you and things that are hard to hear and the environment you feel like you're putting you and your daughter in is is like how do you avoid that and does he recognize that that's a really ugly thing he's doing well now it's another thing too that he has said that was kind of screwed up because so he's like with his depression and stuff he said well I said do you why do you don't want you shouldn't say these things in front of her because you don't want her to feel the same way you're feeling do you and then he was like well she's going to um eventually because it's um genetic and I was like I don't think it I mean I feel like it's genetic to a point but it's also environmental so like if you're around a bunch of stuff that makes you depressed they're gonna be depressed yeah I yeah she can't be it's not like that was not that's also like not the answer I don't know like yeah it sounds like your husband has a lot of hurt and pain and it sounds like he's been through a lot and um and that's sad and I empathize for him but it's it's still not okay for how you're feeling and maybe you need to take a step back you know if he's not you know maybe it's not a matter of like immediately you know maybe there's a separation maybe he just needs to like hey you really need to go get help until you do I don't know if I can have you around me and our daughter yeah you know do you have a good support system outside of him I have a lot of people around me that's the other thing for him is I have all this great support on my end but his end is not maybe his die a little bit but he's not that comfortable with him yet because he's not comfortable with the rest of his family and then that's like another issue that we have is he is somewhat he always feels like a lots of people like hate him and he like it feels like he digs too deep into a conversation like you know when you go and you have a conversation with somebody you go back and you think about it and you're like oh I should have said this or I should have said this well he does that but he was he like we're like well when they said this and then he gets all angry and said they hate me or they're angry at me or or this or that and then he feels like everybody hates him and like he feels like my family hates him and he feels like they make him uncomfortable and then I try to talk about it to him about it and I don't really get much answers other than they make me uncomfortable but like why and then he doesn't say yeah I don't have all the answers to how to fix your husband all I can do is validate you in the fact that like this isn't okay um it can't continue you're not wrong for for considering what you're considering something's got to change you two and specifically him have to make some meaningful actions relationships are really hard right even the good ones go through some bad periods but it's I think for the people who are able to get through really dark times in relationships it's because they feel they still like no matter how bad it is it's like we fight we've we've both hurt each other they lied to me they still feel like that other that person feels real regret and sorrow they were they were like they want to work on it you know sometimes that regret and sorrow and I want to work on it is maybe it that doesn't always fix it like sometimes it could be disingenuous but you you need at least that you need you need a I really don't want to be this way I really am sorry I do you know what can I do what can we do because some in a lot of times people don't follow through with that but that is that's the bare minimum is feeling like the the person on the other side wants wants to fight with you to make this thing work and if the other person is not even in the fight you know if they're checked out if they're just like they're if they're too incapable because they're maybe they have so much pain on the inside to even consider how you're feeling that is a really hard place to start from and I just don't I just don't want to see you wait around too much longer for something that just like can't get fixed just a hope that it gets better just a hope that it gets better but if he's refusing any kind of help and I'm not saying therapy is the end I'll be all but he's got to be willing to do something he's got to be willing to try to fix this right to have the okay fine people hate me I'm feeling sad but what can I do how do I get out of this and again I don't know how to deal with clinical depression you know I'm not a psychologist but like I also don't think it's you're a cross to bear forever and there is a limit to the environment you should be putting yourself and your daughter in well I feel like if it was just us I'd be like I don't really believe in divorce but like if you're gonna keep treating me like this like I'm just gonna leave and it's just almost simpler but since it's her like even just talking about if we're in he would have her since he never really like put sort of bed or bathed her or feeds her like anything is all up to me and I also still work a full-time job too so it's I feel a little unfair because we both work sometimes he works most of time he works less hours than I do if I want to go out and do something I can't just leave her with him I take her to my parents house because he doesn't want to watch her and so it's just like it feels like this is very unfair on my or like for me and for her if he doesn't want to actually put in any effort it's not fair you know and then there's another voice in my head that's like well you're a mom so you have to take her or anything everything anyways he's a dad you know like he you know there's a lot of dads who who do their part or at least try and he's not but he's suffering I have empathy for him but it doesn't make it okay that's where I feel so because I am very empathetic towards him too and I just I feel I was just someone I like if you're hurting I'm hurting for you and it makes me feel sad for him and I try to be there as much as I can because it's like I see his pain yeah I think you can have an empathy for someone without and it doesn't mean that it requires an excuse for their behavior so you can have empathy for them the difference between having empathy and not having empathy for your husband for example or anyone in these situations is to give up on them and just like call them a monster or a psychopath or just a terrible person the empathy is to like understand that like while they're doing bad things they have trauma and and there's a reason that isn't just as simple as they're a bad person that doesn't excuse the behavior and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it so don't confuse your empathy for your husband with a feeling of like this is your cross to bear or that no matter what you have to put up with this you know or that it makes it okay for him to say what he says to you it's not he has to find the moments to like say like the clear if he has no moment of clarity where he doesn't want to treat his wife or child this way I don't know what hope there is there's got to be that he's got to say he says he wants to be better he wants to do these things with then no follow through it but then you say you got to do more than just want it I have to see it from you you got to you got to do something about it you have to keep reminding him it gently as I can't keep doing this and if you're if all you're going to do is say you don't want to be this way you know maybe it's couples therapies together maybe he needs to hear and maybe it's not it's not the same therapist that you go to it's got to be a neutral party but he has to get to a place where you know he has to he can't be making excuses for why he does what he does or doesn't do what he does you know him the fact he has a daughter and he's like how to change the diaper help out and if it's not changing the diaper give a bath I got this go take a break go relax just the consideration like it's it's a simple that's this hard thing is like it's so dumb but it's like the stupidest thing is just changing a diaper would feel so nice to me in my head because like you care and you want to do this and he's not even doing that and then he like always wants praise when he does things that he's not supposed to do like if he cleans the kitchen or does the dishes or something I got it where did it well in his brain in his brain that's my job that's crazy and I mean I did it because I'm I mean that's kind of how we are because like the women does all the cleaning and whatnot and what in what era like it's 2026 you know like I don't like this is true you're sounding like it's 1950 you know I know you guys have a household the job's done when the job's done everyone needs to help it's everyone's job I mean it just is when you have a kid together everyone you know it's everyone's job there's no this is your job this is my job you work if this is 1950 why aren't you staying home constantly with nothing to do but clean the kitchen it's that's crazy you know and you you have to put you can't accept that as an answer you kind of you know like that's crazy the other thing that scares me is like I've been with him since I've been 15 and I know it's I mean it's a valid fear but it's nothing like I'm also still so young but it's just like I've only known being with him and like I've only ever been with him like physically and emotionally and stuff and so that really just is another thing that just scares me totally you know I'm still young you are young but you do have a support system and like so many like so many people in your position don't they're really alone and the fact that you're not you're lucky that way so like you're in a tough spot but thankfully you feel good about the support system you have if you decide to leave him definitely take a break you don't I want to get back out there right away just take care of your mental health take you know focus on your daughter get yourself in a healthy situation but yeah like breakups are hard and like it's scary and like it would be it's going to be nerve-wracking for you to move on for sure but like it's better than like right now this is this is torture this is an emotional torture that's not fair and and you know sometimes relationships have to go through these difficult times but if he has to give you some hope he has to acknowledge that this is not how he that it's not okay to think this way to act this way to be this way and he has to want to do something about it and if you're spending time arguing with him about his role and about doing diapers and dishes and then he's saying mean things to you it's like come on yeah I just feel like I've just gotten used to just accepting the bare minimum because I don't know well you know but that feels like but you know but but you know it's like you know you called in right you had the guts to call in but you know you know what I'm saying you know you don't you don't know what good might feel like but you know this isn't okay well what you're saying too is like my sister and my friends have said that like some of my friends wanted to just like come over here and just beat him and I'm like girl no well what they really want is you to be okay and they want you to like expect more for yourself and just you know again you don't know what better looks like because you've never had it but you know this isn't okay and even if it's just the peace of mind to not have to be belittled every day to not have to wonder you know why this person doesn't give us enough to even change a diaper it's defeating you know yeah even if you just left for work for a couple of days he was gone for over a week and it was just me and her and I kind of felt guilty because it felt so peaceful and I wasn't having to worry about anything else except for us and like he didn't really message me or try to call me while he was gone I think he called me once and I probably got maybe five text messages and he was gone for over a week and I I didn't bother to reach out to him because I was like I'm just gonna enjoy this time and see how I feel because it's almost like in my brain it was like a mini test of like how I would be if I'm by myself and I felt so guilty because it felt so much it's just felt fine it felt okay to be like that yeah that should tell you something yeah and I think I know my gut it just hard it is hard yeah no it's a tough spot take your time I mean like you don't have to rush to a decision but listen to yourself and that you know hearing you say that out loud should tell you something yeah well I I haven't said it out lots of like my friends are stuff because like then they're like pressuring me to leave like my sister already is doing that but I'm like I'm not listening to you I'm trying to figure it out like seeing if he can be better and work it out somehow because I don't like to try to listen to other people even though it's like they'll play a role no matter what but what is the somehow is the question right how is he gonna do it because right now some you're you are just banking on somehow and somehow when you say it out loud it's just like I mean it tells you that deep how it's like I think you very much doubt his willingness to make the necessary changes yeah well because one of the times we were talking we're talking about like trying to figure this out but not he's like well we need to figure out if you're if you're gonna stay or if you're gonna go because if you go I'm just gonna leave and I am gonna just try to have to figure out a whole new life like he's just gonna up and dip and just like not even be in our daughter's life and then so that wasn't another thing that was like okay is this a cherry on top of just like what is going on you can't make him want to be a father to his daughter whether you're together or not yeah and again like that's kind of a shitty for thing to say it's kind of like a threat right but at the end of the day if he doesn't want to be a good father or be a present father or be in his daughter's life he's not going to you know and he that's his decision it's not your responsibility to make him a father for your for your kid you can encourage him you know Natalie encourages me I encourage you know like she's this amazing mother but like there are times where like you know Natalie has a complicated relationship with her dad so like she's very mindful of of how present I am with River and she's just very you know and it's very important for her for for her daughter to have a positive relationship with her dad with her dad which is me and obviously I really want to be a good father and I'm very present but like I you know I will I listen you know when my when Natalie checks in with me and she gives me a nudge and sometimes it can be frustrating but I know it comes from a good place you know and right now he's he's it's but it's you know I'm saying at the end of the day I want to be a good dad and he has to want to be a good dad you can't make him like he wants to be a good dad like he wants to do the other things to make a relationship better with the no follow-through on the back end say that again what do you mean where he says he wants to do things like you want to be better husband you want to be a better dad but no follow through to like do the steps to actually do the thing but that's the thing you know like I want to be a good father and I am you know like I show up and I check myself especially now that Natalie's pregnant I you know I can't carry two babies I'm not the one whose stomach is growing really fast I can jump out of bed when River gets up in the middle of the night I can change her diaper I can help out I can all the things I know that are difficult for Natalie right now I make sure I'm doing because I can and I want to and it's helpful that doesn't also mean I'm perfect right even though I'm doing all those things I can still like get notes from my wife or and have or advice or just words of encouragement and even though I do all those things you know I want to listen to her because I know it comes from a good place saying you want to be a good dad what does that mean he's also saying he wants he's going to abandon you if you leave him like if he's going to abandon his daughter if you step out of you know if you leave the marriage he says some cool and nasty things and you're just begging him to stop and and you're asking him to make changes but he's not he's not doing anything he's not even doing the bare minimum yeah you're not responsible for how he shows up as a father it's not your job to make him want to do a be a good dad it's you know you can help him you can give advice but it ultimately comes down to him to want to do it if he doesn't want to do it he's not going to do it he's got to want to help himself you can have empathy for his his past or why he is the way he is but it's not an excuse for how he treats you and you are young and you are young it's difficult as is you have a lot of life in front of you and you can change things around pretty drastically and don't be afraid to listen to your support system and just be glad that you have that support system and lean on them when in this time your daughter's going to be okay because she has you and hopefully he figures shit out it might take a while there's a lot of unfortunately a lot of a lot of parents especially dads out there who you know at this stage in their life right now unfortunately your daughter might be a teenager or adult before he comes around but maybe he'll come around then well I get that too because growing up with my dad he he wasn't around for an entire childhood because he was a really bad alcoholic and then he got he almost died they were like you need to stop drinking you're gonna die and then so that didn't happen to we were about like 15 16 and then he got sober and then got better and then we didn't really know him until we were older like probably 16 17 when he wasn't alcoholic and then that makes me worry for her because it's like I went through that and I mean I'm pretty okay and I'm pretty have a good head on my shoulders and so this doesn't really affect me too badly but I just worry for her we always worry for our kids but you are okay and we all come with baggage and scars and you know you can only do so much to protect your kids but she does have you and she had you know like she is lucky and she's gonna be okay she won't be perfect no one is I have been like praying about this so much and I don't know if this was just me being delusional but I the morning I prayed I was like what do I do and I'm just like I am at my wit's end and like is this is like the worst an auction and there was a freaking earthquake and I was like and then I'm on course on Google like what does this mean and it's like oh this could just be nothing or it's like this is a pressure breaking and blah blah blah and I was just like spiraling about it and I was like oh my gosh this is so silly well it's not silly I mean you're you're in a you're in a really tough spot you know it's just a it's a big decision it's not easy you know it's not fair that you have to consider leaving a marriage that you know you never planned on leaving and you're fighting this fight by yourself and you have a kid a young daughter who needs you you have a husband who's mentally unwell who you have to try to take care of well he's also not night I mean it's a really tough spot you're in so give yourself some grace but instead of like you know googling what is an earthquake meaning in terms of like is God speaking to me like trust your instincts trust your gut but like also like allow your support system to help you up in the beginning I was like I will never move on my parents because when you move on your parents I feel like you pay with your mental health not with money well depends on who your parents are but and my parents they're they're very nice but just like I feel like after being around them for a while it's like okay I had enough well maybe there's other options but right now I mean you just gotta get yourself out of this rut somehow I've been stuck here since like February and so this is like how much longer do I sit here or I need to take an action because I've seen lots of people around me that are miserable and then it's like these people that just stay in relationships just because it's easier or just for the kids and I'm like I don't I'm young enough where it's like I need to do something we need to fix this or I need to go because I can't be miserable I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life yeah and in your situation doesn't sound like being in this relationship is easier having him gone is you're happier I just feel so guilty because it's like I love him and care for him but his his problems are my problems now and even though they shouldn't be you care about him as a person you've known him for a long time you know that's normal you're a human being you know but it's not it doesn't make it okay how he's treating you and how you're made to feel and you're right you are yeah you deserve better god knows you you're trying you're not quitting if you choose to move on this isn't you quitting it's doing what you have to do to survive literally it's giving you and your daughter a better life because he has not he's not willing to try and he's got to be willing to try yeah well I want to give her the best like possible and it's like I even told him that this might just sound silly but I was like eventually I want to like buy a house and have a property for us to just like live on and just have some land for ourselves and then you told me if you want that you need to go with be with somebody else that will give that to you and I was like do you want to work for it with me or and I was like no I'm like okay he just wants the bare minimum for our lives he doesn't really care to do anything more listen he's just it sounds like he's in a really bad place this is deeper than I you know my my level of expertise but the fact that he is depressed it's not shocking that he doesn't have a lot of reasons to hope or he's giving up on himself or he's again he's hurting inside but it doesn't it's not an excuse and again you can have empathy for him but it doesn't mean you have to accept this for yourself yeah it doesn't have to be a bad guy for you to realize that this is a bad situation for you you've tried and you are trying and you're in the I'm guessing you'll continue to try for a period of time but at some point you have to give yourself permission in the grace to say enough is enough yeah and you will you will you will give your daughter the life that she you know she'll she'll be she'll be okay she has you all right that's what I've been told like over and over by literally anybody that I've talked to my situation about which is just like close people yeah because they know how much I care for her and like I've said like no matter what happens with this relationship like I have no regret because of her she is like the best thing ever and she has made me like the happiest so I I feel like I was meant to be a mom and I just I just love her so much that's amazing right so like that's a beautiful thing lean into that remember that you know and give her what she needs it's time to stop making him the top priority and focusing on what he needs you've tried that you need to focus on yourself and her and hopefully he recognizes that he doesn't want to lose this but that's his decision you can encourage him to get the help that you think he needs he ultimately has to do it yeah all right well I'm sorry you're going through this it sucks try to focus on the positive as hard as it is yeah I also want to say oh I think it's so fun that Adelie's pregnant with twins because I'm a twin myself oh are you okay uh-huh we're fraternal twins but like we're having fraternal twins is it a do you have a sister or yeah we're twin sisters okay then uh it's just it's so fun because we were always like with each other and then of course we have our we have a younger sister she's only like five years younger than us but we would always be ganging up on her and are you guys close despite being fraternal yeah we are do you guys look alike um I look more like my younger sister than I do my twin which is weird I we can see them in the ultrasounds they look different and I think one looks like river and one looks not like river so I heard you guys talking about the noses yeah it's like big and Natalie's like what I mean it's not your son so yeah it's funny though well thanks for calling I'm sorry you're going through this lean on your sister you know that's a beautiful thing right you have your twin you have someone who's like you shared an entire life with like in these difficult times it's going to be really hard for you to think clearly or know what's best for yourself allow your support system to help you do what's best for you because sometimes it might feel like you don't know what to do and that's and that's normal and that makes a lot of sense yeah okay okay all right thank you we'll take care of yeah you too all right bye bye building your business starts with having the right people in your corner but hiring help shouldn't be a headache or a drain on your budget that's where Upwork comes in to save the day Upwork makes it easy to hire specialized freelance quickly they have the expertise you need without weeks of recruiting or committing to a full-time hire so you can delegate smarter move faster and focus on growing your business with Upwork scaling a business is a lot easier when you have the right people and Upwork makes that possible that's why so many growing teams use Upwork it's the one-stop platform where you can find hire and pay expert freelancers across over 125 categories whether you need help with a one-off project or an ongoing support Upwork has you covered you can easily browse profiles review past work and even get help scoping the role so hiring feels fast and 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have like a how i'm i'm assuming on the first day in the job you they played a video what to do in these situations i don't know like uh no they definitely did um now did i pay attention to that okay not not necessarily um i joined the school year kind of abruptly um so you kind of have to go through all those videos and do all that kind of stuff but it was in the middle of the semester so i guess i didn't really take my time to sit down and watch all those but i know we for sure for sure have an hr okay do you know who that person is yes yes yes i do like i can get in contact with them if i need to but i don't know their name it's just like an overall hr email have you how long have you been there are you it sounds like you maybe haven't been at the school for a long time is that part of your yeah no not at all um the school year started august of 25 2025 and i joined october of 2025 okay see it's not like that new yeah okay and i'm assuming you have like friends there or do you do you have you made no you don't like no one no this was the first person i sort of met and i guess we kind of bonded or connected or at least sparked a conversation and but i have i don't have any friends there i don't really know anyone i still feel like a newbie even though i'm not really a newbie okay is that because like is all the other teachers older or are you just knowing you really have anything in common with or i honestly don't know i don't know if it's a me issue or i i just haven't really connected with anyone i feel like i'm trying to do and i'm trying to put i'm trying to make friends there but i just nothing's really landed other than with the married man so it started kind of harmless and he was nice to you and you're like oh someone's someone's talking to me 100 percent that's that's a bummer yeah and like that uh is it i'm assuming there's a plenty it's mostly i mean obviously men and women teachers they both exist but i'm assuming it's at least allele slanted towards women i yeah i would say so i don't know for sure but i definitely think it's i see more women around than men is this a elementary middle school high school middle school so just seventh and eighth grade how many teachers work there probably i probably around 40 okay what do you teach i teach theater okay i'm a drama teacher yeah so like yes how you haven't met anyone that you've kind of no so so drama is new to the school theaters new to the school i'm fresh out of college this is my first like job job sure because you know i've worked at college in high school and all that but um so basically this is i saw it online i was in the middle of my student teaching i applied interviewed got the job i was like holy cow this is awesome like i haven't even graduated yet and i'm already starting my career i felt very accomplished right and this is new to the school new to the students they've never had a theater department before so i'm essentially building it from the ground up like they don't have any set any costumes props nothing anything to make a theater department that's a lot of hard work yeah i mean yeah it's definitely a lot of hard work but yeah basically i just met him in the copy room one day and i am not skilled when it comes to like stage craft or carpentry or building things anything like that like i took a couple stage craft classes in college but he told me hey i actually did short films and carpentry stuff for our state for films and i was like no way because like i i can't do any of that usual feel anything you need let me know so that's kind of how sure that door opened so yeah totally harmless totally innocent and then it just kind of well so you thought um yeah zero true and so you're expected to build all this stuff you don't like there no no definitely not they're not really they just want the kids to have this and i want the kids to have this but i think i want it to be like that like i want a production i want to play i started an after school program for the school so the students could put on an actual play there are other teachers who have their after school programs and we have to go and wait for the kids to get picked up and so i'm trying to connect with other teachers and trying to form these bonds and it's just nothing is landing are there other women your age give or take a few years there are okay so it's not like it's a bunch of 50 year old women and you no i mean there are 50 year old women i'm sure but like they're of all age ranges it's a it's a variety for sure the diversity there is as far as teachers go it's great do you remember like a an occasion where like anyways the reason why i'm asking this and i'm sure you get it it's just like i empathize because like this idea that you have the only connection you've made is this 40 year old married man right where it's where it started seemingly harmless like he was being friendly and being nice only for it to him to start making uncomfortable passes at you and you have like no allies or friends at this workplace and then it's easy for me to say it will go to hr and say that but i imagine that comes with a lot of anxiety and fear and totally right and i i don't know and that's also i guess a question i have is i don't know i don't think it's gotten to that point where i have to but i also might i've never experienced this before i don't know like how how what's do you remember like what's the most uncomfortable situation you felt like he put you in there's been a couple but they're the big i feel like the big one where i was like oh no he for sure is hitting on me he for sure is flirting with me is he would ask to like hang out at school he'd be like oh come to my classroom we'll do this and that and watch movies and talk to one another and i've always said no no no like i have this like i've just kind of avoided that because i did know that he was married and then over spring break which was recently he had messaged me about wanting to go to a spring training game together and i was like oh like are you getting a work group together like is this like a thing like a co-worker outing and he was like no i have an extra ticket in my head i just was like why don't you take your wife so that made me really uncomfortable and i've said no to that that was probably the biggest one and then oh noticing he notices when my car is there super late which just also kind of just raises red flags kind of crosses that line a little bit for me i'm like why like why do you care if i'm here why are you noticing my car is here also we have my car is the only one here late because i have the play like i'm doing the after school play so that kind of what's he doing that's what i'm saying i have no idea you don't have an after school program what were you hoping i would help you out with here i guess what like in your mind i i don't like my i don't mean to pass this off because like again like i think the obvious answer is like if it gets to a certain point where you start feeling unsafe you need to speak up and say something about this but i i do want to recognize that like that's easy for me to say and much harder from an execution standpoint and unfortunately too many women have been made to feel the consequences of of speaking up and and and standing out for themselves especially in a workplace for fear of retaliation the chances are he knows more people he has more friends no one knows you it's harder to give the benefit of a doubt to the stranger you know it can be scary right so i'm curious like what do you feel like your options are giving your current situation um giving my current situation i do feel like i have set a boundary in place i think i was looking at the in this current moment talking to you i think i was looking to see if i was actually seeing red flags or if i was overthinking it when i had initially emailed in i was questioning how do i set this boundary and now i'm like okay now i'm just sitting here spiraling and overthinking it like okay am i validating the situation was as do what do where do i go from here i guess was am i how do i phrase it am i vindicated or validated was i feeling the right things were the red flags raised for the right reason or is this totally innocent and i'm overthinking it you're not overthinking it for sure yeah i mean you're valid the question is like to me it's like the question is how much of a concern is he right is this this a guy who's like a little lonely clearly well let's assume he's unhappy in his marriage and he befriended you and he's he's made some inappropriate passes but is he gonna get the clue that you're not interested and ultimately just not be a threat to you or not you know like or is he just gonna keep pushing correct to us to you know but where do you think where do you think you're at on that like kind of scale every time i think it's done and i'm like he's not gonna message me anymore he's not gonna say anything anymore something else pops up or he does find a way to contact me again so i'm not sure he could let it it's been a couple of days he could let it lie for a couple of days or he could come back next week or i could never hear from him again do you always respond yes stop responding okay like completely if it doesn't require a response and by require i mean like work right you know that inviting you to the after the game you thought oh maybe it's like a group event so like that made sense that you inquired more if it's just like if it's just a random if it feels really random and unnecessary don't respond if it feels like if it does nothing to do with work i feel like you can don't respond i think you always responding allows him to convince himself well at least she's responding and i'm guessing you're probably trying to be polite and so yeah like is there anything you know when you go back and read those messages if you're him if you're looking for a way to justify continue to reach out could he read those messages is not right now as opposed to never like definitely like could he convince himself that you're playing hard to get probably because um the amount of times that he has said like oh come to my room after work or are you gonna be here over spring break let's if you're here like let's get together and i'm like oh like i have things to do maybe another time yeah i honestly just think stop replying to that stuff and stop definitely stop saying another time yeah yeah and and i think when you do that i would just be i don't want to say high alert but like i think first of all find out who your hr person is yeah you know and maybe just even strike up a rapport casually you know just like get get more information maybe maybe we're not at the time where you have to do that yet but like just i think just just in case just in case right because like there's i guess there's always a chance you could stop replying and you could like i don't know i don't want to scare you but like maybe you'd like approach you and corner you and just because why have you respond i don't know like yeah i mean that is i don't think you i'm again i don't think you would but you never know you never know and i think if i am there lay and i'm the only person there and i am a girl like i don't want to yeah you should be prepared so you shouldn't just know in the meantime i would just stop replying to things that you don't need to reply stop worrying about being rude okay and i that is a big fear of mine too because like i said this is the only person i've really talked to at this job and formed some sort of a connection with have you tried like i don't want to be mean have you tried like when you're trying to talk to other women teachers are they like ignoring you are they like what what is what is it just not vibing or what it's just not vibing it's just not clear i don't i don't know what it is i sort of i've always wanted to be a teacher it's always been my passion and i guess i sort of romanticize the idea of like oh i'm going to meet this young group of girl teachers and we're all going to go out for drinks outdoors and talk about the kids and talk about you know all this stuff and i feel like maybe i'm trying too hard maybe that's what it is maybe it's like the conversations are too forced because i'm forcing myself to have them and it's rubbing them the wrong way maybe but like i don't know like you're new and you're trying to get to know people like right what are you supposed to do exactly maybe i mean this maybe this isn't your forever job there's that yeah and it sounds like you are trying to make friends so i don't really have any notes for you on that yeah so in the meantime just stop replying and stop saying maybe in the future and you know it's like i feel like there's so many women listening to this who completely relate to what you're going through sadly and and i've heard enough of these stories to understand that like yeah part of being polite is to protect yourself and to not trigger a guy into feeling like you know but i think it's okay for you not to reply you don't have to be rude you can just not reply and if he's like if he sends you a text oh you don't have to you don't want to reply you like you you could still not reply or you could just be like sorry really busy just really short just really like stop being friendly stop don't ask for his help anymore yeah and that's also another thing is he did a big thing he there a whole reason why we kept connecting is he built a lot of things for the school play that i'm putting on i constantly asked you know can i help you is there a way i can reimburse you for this you're taking the time out of your he was building them on the weekends out of your weekend your free time when this is time that could be spent with your wife and you're building things for me for free yeah um and with theater you i i have to give him like a shout out and like our program and stuff or i don't know if i have to but i'm going to give him a shout out yeah and then if he comes to the play and tries to talk or i don't i don't do i engage in that is that again in a in a public environment you can be friendly you can be polite you you should definitely go out of your way to avoid being alone and yeah it's unfortunate like this tricky situation where he's he did a nice thing for you nothing's free in this world clearly he wanted something from it and and you have to do this kind of tightrope walk of of not responding and hope that he doesn't feel like well i did all this for you and you give him a shout out yeah again like this is not like a this is a professional atmosphere and i'm glad he stepped up and helped a fellow teacher and yes by all means give him the shout out thank you mr smith for building such wonderful designs for the kids you did it for the kids you didn't do it for you he give him his flowers to the public but yeah you don't owe him anything but yeah be professional and but be you know be polite but be professional and if he's texting you on professional things you don't need to respond yeah and i think the hope is he finally he will get that i don't know if you will but that's the hope i don't know if i'm in a position to like give you this advice but like the the question you have to ask yourself is does it make sense to give him a chance to say hey listen i'm sure you mean well but like this doesn't feel appropriate you know hanging out with you like a friend like your mayor you know or is it or are you better off going straight to the hr i don't have that answer i bet there are people who who professionals like i don't know you know what i'm saying because like yeah it would be before you do the thing where you kind of tell on him would you give him the opportunity to say just if it hasn't been clear already i just like listen you're a great i appreciate all your help i really do but like it and and whether you meant it or not like some of the interactions make me like feel like it's crossing you know going beyond a professional relationship and i you know just could you be mindful of that and i'd love that to just stop but that's honestly the biggest question you might need to ask yourself is like is the next step going to hr or is it giving him the opportunity one more time but before you decide on that i would probably check in with someone who like maybe i don't know someone in hr or friend there's probably some like hey honestly chat gpt like it's the best might have yeah like i don't think it's the best for everything but there there's probably some like hr what to do in these situation guidances you might be able to get just like standard hr policy that might give you some perspective just from like uh oh i didn't consider that that could happen but like i think you're you are better off if you if you know someone who is actually in this field or or has a perspective they might be helpful but to me that sounds like the next big decision you have to make if if not responding to him doesn't do the trip so we are kind of that's kind of where i'm at today is the last time we engaged he had messaged me about my car being there and i didn't answer because i was at the point of i'm just not gonna acknowledge this guy anymore i'm not gonna communicate with him anymore if it's not work related i made that decision i had not communicated that to him and then a few hours later he oops he messaged me back and had said i don't know what's going on we were so cool and now you're not answering like what i i'm your co-worker and i deserve an explanation he told me he deserves an explanation or he feels like he deserves an explanation and i just said look yeah and i just said i appreciate what you i basically said what you said i said i appreciate everything you've done to help with the show um going forward i don't want to i don't i don't remember word for word or for evade him what i said but i said going forward i don't wish to communicate if it's not work related and he said victoria i'm so lost i don't get it but okay i'll take this as we don't communicate anymore and i just didn't answer and that's been that that's the last time you've had interactions how long ago was that that was on monday or tuesday and it's friday so two three days ago definitely find out who your hr person is because like then then so you've done the thing that yeah so you've already done that yeah so if he does if he reaches out again i think then i would need to take the next step but i did put that boundary in place because i felt like i had to you know so yeah i guess next step would be to contact hr any reasonable guy like if if you know let's let's try to give him some grace and benefit of doubt if for possible let's let's let's assume and i feel like i've been doing that too much you know you definitely have you definitely have i don't like i don't but to be clear i don't think he deserves it but let's just for the sake of you know a thought exercise we give him a lot of grace he's unhappy my peace of mind he's unhappiness marriage i don't know but like any like we all as human beings have tough moments and when we have tough moments and when we're not happy we we we get sloppy or make poor decisions and our conscience is cloudy and yada yada yada right so up into this point if we really tried maybe we could just try to give him some grace but here you finally did the thing that you did the uncomfortable thing where you tried as politely as possible but as direct as possible to set a boundary with him and any reasonable guy who is married who has like a lot to lose a reputation their job you know all these things that that should be the wake up call that he needs right and if he doesn't and if this is not enough then that would be really concerning to me yeah you know because you've given you this guy a very gentle out to just stop and he has you know he can just hope that you're not going to say anything or tell anyone and then he can just you know his response of i'm just confused but okay you know his confusion might just be of his own actions but he's probably a little like feels a little silly a little you know but the hope is that was that was a wake up call and then i feel bad that he is uncomfortable and that he feels lost so i'm like do i give i'm at this point it's been days it's been days so i'm not going to but of course in the moment i was like do i give for their explicit like i don't want him sitting there no he should beat himself up he made some poor decisions you know again like i'm glad he helped you out but like again like he invited you to a baseball he asked you on a date right and there's and to me that's how i took it too but then i also was giving him the benefit of it out like because he said this is what co-workers do and this is what he's justifying his actions like he doesn't ask a 24 year old woman out just because they're a co-worker and he's you know like and again though he i have a plus one i'm like then take your wife or a buddy or a male co-worker or you know again he knows better i don't know he knows better he's trying to act um you've been more than gracious and that's why i think it's really important for you to understand who who you need to go to if you need to go to someone because i do think now that you've already had that conversation that is the logical next step because if he doesn't use this as a wake up call and go wait you know what honestly i was i was flying too close to the sun there she's giving me an out here i can just we can just pretend i was never fucking weird to my 24 year old woman employee while i'm married and thank my lucky stars that like she gave me that grace and i can now i'm just going to be a fucking professional and just be fucking normal and i'm going to try to avoid her and she'll avoid me and like we can just forget that ever happened and maybe i need to figure out my shit at home like that's the appropriate response if he doesn't do that then like i mean that this should be a wake up call yeah i would hope so and i if someone brought to my attention too oh maybe i should give him more of an explanation that way if he does it again or if he has these feelings towards another co-worker he gets he understands exactly where he went wrong and like but that's not my job it's not your job it's not your responsibility he's an adult man you know it's not no okay he should know better he probably does know better it's like just because we do dumb things doesn't mean we don't know better we just convince ourselves in the in the in the moment of why this why why we're different why this situation is different i'm not really doing the thing that like everyone would think i would be doing oh it's not a date or whatever like he's lying to himself and he's playing games with themselves and we all do this right like it's a human thing to do and every once in a while people give us grace and give us an out like you gave him grace and he can use again they can use this as a wake-up call or not and the people who like and if he can't if he can't connect the dots then it's definitely not your job to explain it and it might require you having to say something because you shouldn't be made to feel this way at work i don't think so either and there is i don't again i don't think anything is going to happen or maybe i'm just telling myself that but i well i do see him at work our classrooms are pretty close to each other i am they're late why he's they're late i don't know but i want to make sure i'm you know safe and like yeah he probably won't do it he's probably they're late because he doesn't want to go home and hates his wife or something and exactly i'm like there's a reason he's not going home so something else is going on that's not my business but don't get me involved like i don't know yeah um i'm sorry you're going through this it sucks it's okay thank you find out find out who you need to talk to because i think that i think we're at that point if it continues okay and it's crazy that that never even you said who's your hr person i was like why did i never even like think to bring this to someone's attention well it's not it's not easy to do and we want to give people the benefit of the doubt and i imagine a lot of women in your situation start you know blaming yourself was was i too flirty that i give them the wrong impression you know like which is 100 what i'm sitting here eating myself up like what did i where did i go wrong nowhere you know you were you were a new person at a job looking for a familiar face having a hard time making friends and quite frankly he probably took a little bit of advantage of that and and you needed help and he was willing to give you help and you didn't do anything wrong and he should know better and he did in fact tell me that i am the one making this weird and uncomfortable so i think that's where i'm also like i did i did i like i did make this that's he's being a little he's being a little gaslighty and you didn't respond to that right no that one i did not respond to yeah because again he should know better i mean he should know better he's a teacher it's not like some guy has worked at a coal mine who doesn't know to act around women you know what i'm saying like he no for sure he of all people should know better you know he's an educator he's he's around he he he works with a lot of women he teaches young girls like he should have this type of self-awareness and again we all make mistakes and chance that i'm hopeful that chances are even despite what he said to you because that's what we say when we feel embarrassed and we try to like put it on the other person and yada yada yada but again the big question is is how is he gonna move going is he gonna respect this is he gonna move is he gonna is he gonna use this as a second because it you truly gave him a second chance i feel like yeah yeah for sure you could have already well defined second chance i guess because what i'm saying like you know you could have easily been like you could have go talk to someone maybe it's like a counselor and say hey i'm in a tough spot here obviously i'm new mr whatever the fuck you know and it it kind of escalated and now i'm just getting you have text messages sent you have the receipts you have him inviting you're a game it's not like you're accusing him of something like super nefarious but you have enough there to go to someone and say it's making me a little uncomfortable i've asked him to stop and that like anyone if you were to report that somehow it would it would be the requirement of the person you're reporting to do something and then you know like it's 2026 you know it's just like i do unfortunately i think still things get swept under the rug but like i think we're we're more you know it's it's we are acknowledging the importance of speaking up and you really gave him some grace and you didn't have to do that and i hope that he realizes that his marriage might already be over but he's about to like you know there's a lot of people who make some really bad decisions in these moments and he's he sounds like he's been on this path and thank god you weren't interested and thank god you were you know but that's that's his journey you've done enough and you've given him enough grace but protect yourself and and find out who you need to talk to if it comes down to it and you know keep trying to make friends and and maybe this isn't your forever place yeah which i don't think i mean it's my first teaching job you know i'm i imagine i will go to another school at some point but yeah it does kind of suck that i'm like dang like i really wanted to make friends and the first one i felt like i somewhat made it even though i didn't i didn't picture us hanging out but you know the first you seem like a lovely enough person who like who like who you know like i'm really questioning it now i'm like dang what am i doing yeah i don't know i'm honestly i'm not i've never been a teacher but it would think yeah you would think um someone would want to like you know get to know you um you would think i mean again i would think i'm like i think i'm a fun person but who knows maybe i just need to like flat out ask hey what do you guys do anything after school honestly like maybe with like to say you know i'm i'm new here like i'm a hard time making friends here maybe find the like is there someone that you could just be vulnerable enough with to just say you know like it's it's tough making friends here i've really tried can you have some advice for me you know yeah like another woman your age yeah i think a lot of the teachers there too have been there for a couple years so i am new so i think they've kind of it's not that it's clicky but they've already kind of established their their groupings and their friends and then what if you figure out all like all the women that are relatively your age maybe you send like an email about like make it like almost like an you know your your you know teachers all seem to be good organizers you created this after school program but what if it's just like hey guys i'm just new here maybe this is sounds weird but like i'd love to like get to know my my my peers and i'm having a hard time making friends and i don't know what's going on in all your lives but if there's anyone out there who like wants to do some like after school stuff on the weekend or if you're also looking for friendships like just let me know and and it's real gentle real vulnerable but it's just about friendships and see who takes you up on that yeah no i think i think they would take me i think if i put if i say it like that i think they would take me up on i don't think it's anyone dislikes me i just think we just haven't had the time you know unfortunately nowadays in 2026 we're so used to texting our vulnerability or emailing it it's hard to do it face to face so maybe put that out there and like a little email to the ladies and like a group chat be like and say like i almost would i'd love to start like some kind of like for anyone who out there who like is single or like has some free time or just looking for to make friends at work let me know and i'd love to maybe we can organize something yeah for sure and that was a thing he the older teacher had said to about oh this is what co-workers do i'm like really where where where the other ones then because i don't want to see anyone do listen he's partly right but he's using he he's normal like he's it's it's manipulative he knows what he's doing yeah all right well sorry you're dealing with this it sounds like you're handling it the best you can find out who your person is reach out to the girls at work you've given him a ton of grace you're not crazy you've done nothing wrong that's thank you more than anything i've been spiraling so that's i'm i communicate with teenagers all day so it's nice to hear from an adult so yeah you've you've been more than gracious you've given this guy a lifeline he doesn't deserve and i wouldn't give him another one okay noted very much okay okay thank you so much thank you thank you all right good luck out there thank you keep us posted i'd love to know what happens next yes if he reaches this out i'll give you guys an update okay all right take care you too all right bye bye