D03: The Fresh Princeling

The End I've wasted a whole moment of my life. By talking about my life, oh, we lost so much. There was the actual details of how we escaped through the tunnels. A long speech about the nature of love in a forgotten galaxy. Oh, that was... People were crying. Pretty-hearted prisoners were crying. I made them cry. I forget. It's gone. Out of my brain. We filed off the serial number on our prison transport, the Prison Break Express. But I know what you're thinking. What happened to the masturbating guy? Well, that's a story for another day. Can you remember or have a spinoff? Because that guy's got a lot of life to tell you about. Still one of my closest friends. Still yanking it on a minute-to-minute basis. Man, that's... that's chucked up. I'll never remember those words. I forget the words not even after I say them, but while I'm saying them. Oh, man, and here I am in the middle of the produce section trying to get some groceries, trying to eat better. I wonder if this tape recorder has an autosave. Uh, hmm. Well, it's pretty lo-fi. Not a lot of digital save points here. Okay. Well, no use crying over unrecorded milk. So where were we? Right, let's recap. We escaped the planet with a guy named Twinkle, who didn't kill me, but had the right hand of the guy that killed me. I think he was going to lead us to our next step. And that step was a planet you'll never see coming. We've cleared the atmosphere and we're entering hyperspace. Yay! I always applaud when the pilot goes into hyperspace. All right. Well, it was a pleasure getting you out of prison. We'll just say goodbye now. It will be a pleasure to continue not saying goodbye as we forge ahead to create liberty. Operation Galaxy Y, Shay. No, no, I got you out of prison. That's all I needed to do. I have seen it through, and, you know, good day to you. Don't be a stranger, okay? Two people fighting side by side can't be strangers, Shay. Twinkle, my meal ticket is in the bathroom right now. Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourself? How are you still caught up in this, Twinkle? Caught up in this? There's nothing else to be caught up in. It's the zipper that closes on all of our skin Oh my, beautiful Tweagle, I don't have time for one of your monologues What is it you're asking me to do? Give me a hint, starts with an R and ends with rebellion Rebellion? That's not illegal, illegal, seditious, seditious We're on the run from both the underworld and the government I think we should pick one Hmm. Goody, that may be your first solid idea. I can make time for you and the rebellion, Twinkle. Yes. On the condition that you call Talbot, tell him to back off. That I will do, Shay. After several missions. What? Sorry guys, had to hit the head. Did we jump into hyperspace? Because my P-stream got all jiggly. Yes, that's right. We have a course charted for the aristocrat sector. Ah, man, I love it. It's like all my cells are dancing. Like sitting on a dryer. Yeah, it's like a little shake to it, you know? Oh no, I think that is the dryer of the shuttle. You did laundry before we went to hyperspace? Through a load-in? Yes. Cleanliness and good hygiene are always important. Anybody else still thinking about that prison break? So much happened, just like ducking, crawling through different little cracks and crevices. What a time. Apologies again about you guys being stuck in solitary that whole time, but didn't we have a real banger right after you got out? That was fun. You asked what I sacrificed? No, no, we didn't. No one mentioned it. what, Twinkle, are you getting your ironing board out? What are you, what do you have other plans to get to here? I have but the one sash if we're going to see the royals we're gonna have to look the part excuse me, the royals wait, where's the ship headed? where's the ship headed? where does all evil begin and end? the sentient heart, the monarchy oh you are now entering monarchy Hyperspace. Well, fast hyperspace. Are you friend or foe? Friend. Smart. Phone never works. How good of a friend. College roommates where we didn't choose to live together the second year, but still kept in touch. Kind of level. It's like a four on the friend scale. Very close to foe. You may proceed. Comrades, we're going to dock at Chunlston Castle, the putrid undercarriage for the monarchy itself. I've arranged cover identities for the lot of us. You can gather your necessary intel while I pursue a key target. So you are going to infiltrate the monarchy? Very cool. Well, what shall we be? Some highfalutin off-planet duke and duchess? or are we going to be visiting dignitaries who are coming in at the top? Something like that, yes. Yes. And though you'll enter through the garter rope. Oh, where the guards go, it's smart. Sneak under their petticoats. No, it's a fancy term for the poop chute. Excuse me? Also under the petticoats, in a way. I'm understanding now why Twinkle didn't ask us if we wanted to do laundry before this activity. No need. Waste of order. Well, on the way out, though, I'll want to do a load. Oh, yeah. Watch the old Durf suit. Though you'll enter through the poop chute, your time there won't be in vain, Durf, because as you seek your killer, you know that all roads of darkness lead back to the monarchy. And someone in that palace knows. You think Durf's killer is in the monarchy? You know, I sensed sort of a royal vibe from the killer, you know? When you're coming for the king, send a king. That's what they say. That's what who says? You ever play space chess? You ever play space chess? No. King kills the other king sometimes. We both have our missions. And so we enter Channel 2. You're right, Twinkle. The nerd rots from the head, they say. So let's go to the head. Yes. Actually, we're going to the pod. Wow, this castle is massive. so thick, and there's people everywhere. Stale bread. Stale bread for sale. Or trade. How stale. Hurry. Yesteryear's bread. Yesteryear's? I'll take two. He's nostalgic for the bread. Yes, he brings back memories. Get your pint of goat's breath. Goat's breath? How do you capture that? We have a two-for-ones deal. Two goat's breasts for the price of one. Hey, there's a bogo on the goat bread. Everyone's dressed in such old-timey things. Like, what year is it here? Well, derp, autocratic governments often create pomp and splendor to match their cruelty. I guess the monarchy is no different. But the galaxy seems to love the glamour. This whole street is animal shit, so I don't know. Gather round, gather round as I put this sword inside of my body. I didn't go through the mouth. Yeah, that dude just killed himself. Dead body for sale. Dead body for sale. How old? Just a just fresh dead. No, no, no, no. Getting only staler. Bid now. Move out of the way. Move out of the way. Mornock swine's going through. Royal swine. They get to go through the front door. Excuse me, swine guy. We're trying to find, like, the poop elevator. We need to go to the southeast garderobe underneath turret 19. All I know is I'm going to hand over my Mornock pigs, which I get for seven impels and a two to that royal right there, Stephen. Stephen? Stephen in the velvet cape? Sure is he is, that is who he is. Thanks, swine guy. I'm a girl! Oh, really broke through the pig shit ceiling over there, didn't they? Well, there's a... Oh, Shay, watch where you're stepping. I'm covered in pig shit. Actually, I think I have an idea. Goody, you're going to contribute to this mission, whether you like it or not. I do like it. I love contributing. Steven! Steven, is that you? Yeah. You old so-and-so, you come here right here. Oh, Steven, put her there. I must admit I'm at a loss. Steven, come on You act as though you know me familiarly But I'm afraid I do not share the pleasure Oh, Steven, we're always doing this It does sound like something I would do Well, it was great to see you, guy I just, it has been too long We should get the girls together, shouldn't we? We should Enjoy your market day And you... What was that? Did you date that guy? What happened, Shay? What? No, it was a reverse pickpocket. What? I gave him goody. The time is 17.46. And all I got in return was this solid gold actual watch. That's the best upgrade I've ever heard of. Why was it so easy to get rid of Goody when I think both you and I have been trying to make that happen for so long? Look, all these stars needed to align, you know? I needed the slippery monarch swine shit. I needed someone with very thin wrists. And I needed to be out of orbit from my parole officer. Ah, turret 19. And what's this hanging out of the poop chute? A rope ladder? Don't mind if I do. Oi. Are you two the new hires? Scullery maiden, hollboy? Oof, by the smell of you, I think we found our guy. Oi. The stars twinkle at night, right? Twinkle. That's an easy password to hack. Yes, the stars do twinkle each night. Come with me. We've been needing a new hole boy. It's got to remain a little bit of a wire, didn't we? Let me ask you, I've done, obviously I have a lot of experience as a hole boy, but what sort of hole boy are you looking for? Someone to walk the halls or just redecorate them? No, no. You'll be working 16, 18 hours a day, every day. you'll be responsible for emptying chamber pots cleaning boots sorry just real quick on this planet everyone still shits in little urns flying around to space they're still using chamber pots my apologies sir you think we should be hiring droids to do this work or perhaps they shit into teleporters and get teleported into space would you prefer that that would make a lot of sense just for that why invest in technology where you get some stupid commoner to do it for you under threat of violence or death. Oh, so you're not even getting paid. Paid? Are you familiar with the hierarchy of the monarch and the royals? Uh, no, we could use a refresher. Well, it boils down to this. Over thousands of years, we've perfected our caste system. So there's the monarchs and royals, and then there's everyone else. Those are the two castes. We're shit, and they're not. the galaxies under the monarchy's royal thumb, as it were. Took you thousands of years to sort them into two groups? Listen, hold boy, come close. Touch my nose. Touch my nose with your nose, right? Hey, listen to me. I was told by Twinkle to take care of you. Now, if you want to survive, you're going to stick with me and do as you're told, right? No, I'm in. I wanted to do a hold boy. I just had a couple questions about why I'm handling piss jars. It's just a normal, on-the-job quest. Take me to the hall. I'm a hallboy. All right. That's a nice watch, madam. Hmm. The time is 17.49. Do I miss Goody? Goody? Steven, you've returned from the outside world. Yes, my apologies. My swine dealer was running late, so I must have him reprimanded for delaying our session of court. I'm still there. Being punctual is always best. Who is that? I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. I do think there's been a mix-up. It seems that I'm separated from my true charge, but I sure we can get all this cleared up as soon as possible and I be on my way This watch seems possessed I not a watch at all My name is Goody a good ethics bot How absurd. Blacksmith, melt down this watch immediately. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Before we do any melting, do you have any need for, uh, ethics calculations? My, what a sly joke. One of the others must have played upon me. Very well, watch. I shall defer to your judgment on today's supplicants Bring them in Port is now in session with Judge Stephen Who shall be the first to plead their case in front of my august personage? My lord, my lord Yes? I wish you to stand in judgment of this peasant Who has uttered words against the monarchy Most grave crime indeed During the nuptials of the Duke and Duchess last week The fireworks got out of hand and set blaze to this man's thatched cottage And as it burned to the ground It was said that he was heard muttering to himself Blast this monarchy So pass judgment as you will A most grave crime indeed Now watch, the standard punishment for this would be to remove the tongue of the offender I don't think we should do that Watch, what would you do? Well, freedom of speech actually strengthens government structures so that when citizens feel like they can express themselves, they are more loyal to the government. A most curious gambit, Watch. Freedom of speech isn't considered a gambit. We shall try this radical idea of yours, freedom of speech. Okay. The Watch shall decide your sentence. What shall we do with him, Watch? Give him more thatch To build his roof again? Give blasphemer more thatch It is a most unusual day Take your thatch and go, worm Bury this man in thatch until he cannot be found No, no, no, no, no Just enough for the roof Just enough for the roof Well, I think they've taken him already, so Send in the next subject My humble majesty I stole only to feed my children My wife was taken in the last plague And with but one hand I stole the corn My other hand was taken by your swift justice last time Can I rebuttal? Can I rebuttal? Very well It's not usually how this works but very well. Everything that this man is saying is a lie. Okay? I'm literally alive and I'm still here. He's just trying to get out of our marriage. Are they stealing corn or trying to get divorced? Yes, I admit I am confused as well, watch. Both can be true. Fine, fine. I'm trying to rid myself of her. But she, as you can see, sucks. So you can see she doesn't... We shall be the judge of who sucks and who does not suck. Watch. What say you of this case? Well, take not my only remaining hand. Your insolence makes me wish to take your hand immediately, peon. No, no, no, no. No? No one was hurt in the crime, right? Well, not yet. No, I meant there was no... I'm about to take the hand. Right, but don't you think that maybe some counseling maybe would be a better way forward? Very well, Watch. I shall take your counsel this once. I sentence you to a lifetime of counseling. Yay! No! Yay! No! Yay! No! It's a journey. Works! I finally placed the last of the charges underneath the monarchy transport. Oh, my rod! Every bone in my dusty body is aching. I gotta tell you, Chandler, we need more personnel. We're the leaders of this rebellion, okay? Why is it up to me to be running wire and clambering underneath ships holding a bag of dentamite in my teeth? This is a young person's game. And here I am with a body that looks like a hot dog somebody left on the grill overnight. 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That's rocketmoney.com slash z-y-x-x. Rocketmoney.com slash zix. Oh! Oh, Rod. Oh, my wheezing must have alerted the monarchy guards. Oh, what's this heart attack? Let's up for a quick second. I'll make a break for the cassette drop point. Come on, you lower husks. Don't fail me now. Alliance leader, Ross Korpisthenian, fighting a mission battle. Chamber pot. So damn hot. Full of hot pee. That's it. Still got it. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, yes. How did you do that? Did a loop-de-loop and land it on your feetsies? It's called a backflip. Ready? Hup, backflip. Oh, wonderful. A dim spill, a spot of pee, except for all the pee that fell on your shoes. So sorry about that. Isn't your job, though, to dispose of all of the excrement in the urine? Hey, if pot's empty, my job is done. As far as I know, I don't really know how it works. It's my first day as a hallboy. Oh, how delightful. I, for one, appreciate a little zeal brought into the castle by our help. Well, when you carry it, P, you gotta work extra hard to make it fun. What are you? Are you the local... Princeling, yes. Princeling? Yes, well, you know, my name is Jeremiah, of course, but Princeling is my title. Jeremiah Princeling. I'm not supposed to talk to the hall boys, but what can I say? I find it exhilarating, actually, to interact with the disgusting parts of the castle. Like the people and where the poop goes and all of that stuff. Have we met before? You look familiar to me. You do look. There's something about you. Except for all the silken robes and the dangly earring you have there. You and I look pretty similar. I was going to say, except for the smudges of fecal matter on your face and the disgusting beard. To be fair, this beard was disgusting when I got here. So that's all, that's all dirf. I've just hatched a wonderful royal prank of an idea. If you shave your beard and give it to me and I were to wear the beard, you might pass for me and I for you. Uh, I mean, I'm down straight up. I just am curious what your, what's your W in here, you know? Can I tell you, can I tell you a royal secret? I, there's my favorite kind. I, I've been raised in a very sheltered sort of environment, because if I die, thousands of planetary systems will descend into chaos. So my survival is sort of paramount. But what if I were able to escape the castle and live a fancy free life of adventure? You mean chamber pot hallboy adventures? Well, I'll start there and we'll see how it goes. What do you think? I mean, I've always wondered what it'd be like to have someone come in and just like tickle you. That's what I assume happens behind closed doors here. Bring you little snacks. Oh, the snacks. Yes, for sure. The snacks and tickling from time to time. So what do you say? Here, here. You wear these silken robes. Hand me. Jeremiah! Quickly, quickly. What is your name? It's Durf, young Durf. Let me just peel off this sweat and poop, the clothes, and I'll give them to you. Excellent, excellent. All right, here you go. No, we are similar, top to bottom, and I mean top to bottom. Oh, wow, yes, even down to the... I just want to make sure the illusion is complete. Quick, quickly, quickly, give me your beard. Uh, okay. There you go. Oh, okay. How did it look? Good. I mean, bad, but bad like I have it, so that's good. Huzzah! Check this out. Backflip. Oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Your neck. Your neck. Come on. Jeremiah, who is this person on the ground? I'm a humble hallboy. Oh, yes, this is a humble hallboy that I found. Jeremiah, did he accost you? Did he accost you? No, no, no. We were just having a lovely chat about the different pots that he chambers out here. And he was telling me about how much tickling happens behind closed doors. Why would he know of the tickling? Oh, and I was telling him about all the tickling that happens behind closed doors. Oh, okay, that checks out. Not my business. Gone with you, hallboy. Oh, you just stabbed that hallboy. I think, I think you killed him. I think he is dead. Many more peasants begging to be hallboys. Oh, Jeremiah, I'm sorry. Oh, yes. Lips. Oh, tickle, tickle, tickle. I knew it. I knew they were tickling. Of course you knew. What do you mean you... I'm just saying I knew it. I do it. I do it. I knew of it. Because I'm the princeling, Jeremiah. All right. On we go to a fox hunt. My love, is that Jeremiah, our son? Yes. Hello. The selfsame one. Hello, mommy. Ah. Yes. Why, you're a growing little boy. Even your voice has changed since I've seen you last. No, I think it's just a little bit of puberty coming through. Finally. Well, make haste to the ballroom, because your birthday celebration is almost prepared. Yes, the fox hunt is in the ballroom. Oh, perfect. I love an easy hunt. And you have your speech prepared that's very personal about each and every one of us in the family, as is tradition? Of course, I'll mention you all by name and talk about my upbringing here in the old Tickle Castle or whatever. But remember, you will sketch that fox by the end of the speech, son. Of course. Or no cake for you. Speak and hunt. That's what the royals do at the same time. Off we go. Oh, if anything were to ever happen to you, the whole universe would dissolve and end. I'd tickle myself to death. What a beautiful way to go. I, you know what, let me catch up with you. I just have to push this corpse of this lowly hallboy out the shit window and then get back up to the fox hunt speech birthday cake celebration. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Knock, knock. You're a scullery. Ah! Ah! Ah! Okay, I just want to get out in front of it. I know that servants don't typically look this good. A servant is talking to me. Okay, it's one of those... Ah! Unseen, unheard. Roger. Roger. And you're not, like, faint... Sorry, it's just, I want to be clear about something. You're not, like, trying to get me to pry right now, are you? Pry? Because it's just like... Pry? Well, yeah, you're kind of, like, on your shades. Why should I want you to pry about my terrible love affair with the beautiful Lord Mingus? Okay, I see what's going on here. Let me guess. That letter is from Lord Mingus. Oh, why, yes. Well, are you going to read it or what? Ahem. My dearest Lady Orianna. Oh, how he says my name. Please read over this contract and initial at the places where I have put the little post-it notes. Isn't that so sweet? He left tiny little romantic notelets all through this document just for me. Yeah, that's a little pretty standard language. He's a man of the people. Nobody's ever written to me so romantically before No surely that Sorry that was romance Lord Mingus is quite the letter writer The man with the smallest chin in all the galaxy. Maybe a contract is where we should be looking. Show me something that's a little more personal. Just him to you. Well, here's one that is really very personal. Could you actually sit up and scoot over? Not enough seating. Okay, there we go. Now we go. Shoulder to shoulder, let's look at this letter. Dear Lady Ariana, your short-tongued wolf creature is once again in the hospital on account of its terrible interbreeding. Okay. And that's why instead of taxing the very poorest, the tax should be levied against the people who are the richest. What? In order to... What? You must stop. You must cease your crattling watch. I can only laugh so much in one day. But according to my calculations, 22% of them are going hungry. Billions of sentience galaxy-wide. So it sounds like a remaining 78% could feel the sting of our taxes yet bit more. Okay, moving on from economic policy. Yes, yes, let's stroll the promenade of this great city. Do you count steps, Wanda? No, no, I'm not a watch. I'm an ethics bot. Very primitive, yes, well... Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. Take your filthy hands off my cloak, urchin. I have so much I like in my tiny life, but I feel like I have no say. May I give you a penny for my thoughts? Keep your bench coppers away from me, urchin. Oh, well, now... Imagine, watch, the loneliest serf of the realm thinking they could come to me with their suggestions for how to rule. It's nearly as amusing as one of your suggestions. I think it's actually a great idea. You could have a forum where... Are you in league with this rogue? Very well, yes. Watch a woman. Stop your scrubbing. You now shall have legislative power. Watch. This will be a most delightful jest. A woman... A woman making policy. All my young children die. as soon as they're born. Perhaps there's a sort of universal health care program for which I could give births in a more sanitary location. Watch. Have you ever heard anything so ludicrous in your life? As universal health care, no, it's a very good thing. It should be. I think it's great. Very well. The final decree shall be universal health care. Fetch the auto doctors. Well, I have to say, even though I'm being listened to as a joke, it still feels very good to be listened to. Lady Ariana, 1-1-0-1-0-0-1-0. Zero, one, zero, one, one, zero. I think this is actually a barcode. I do too. Now, what are you writing back to this lord? Well, here's a letter that I've been writing all day to send to him. All right. Lord Mingus, my heart pines for you. Oh. Your pointy little fingers running through my hair. It's all I've ever dreamt of. Oh. If I don't get to smooch you soon, I'm going to jack and kill myself. Oh, okay. Strong. Please, meet me in the royal fox hunt. Okay, yes! I desire so much to rip all of the corsets off of my body. My arm corsets, my leg corsets, my head corset, my neck corset, my butt corset, and of course, my front butt corset. That's a lot of corsets. It's actually a very normal amount of corsets. Everybody's wearing that many corsets around here. Oh, I see that you've written that also in the letter. I did, yes. I needed him to know that I was normal. Please, Lord Mingus, the agony, although ecstatic, must extinguish me soon. Yours, in evasence, Lady Ariana. Whew! Wait, why are we reading his responses to these letters? Why have you been reading me your corporate missives? Why, Lord Mingus, is far too much of a gentleman to ever respond to a missive like this. I'm sorry. You've written many letters akin to this one. Yes. For years. Yes. And he's never responded? What sort of a man do you take him for? Okay, I think I have enough information to go off of here now. Let's get out of here and let's go find your small chinned man. You would do that? For me? Wow. Stepping out boldly into the world, looking for love. Lady Oriana and servant, you're really in it this time. What an adventure. My name is Shea, by the way. What? Ah! Jeremiah, now, as you know, the royal portraitist is here for your final session. He is. Gather your knee upon this ladder as you were. It's a ladder. It's very royal. Arrange this fruit in the foreground. Oh, here she is now. Here she is now. Oh, yes. I'm here to do your portrait. All right. Please, let's go. Make sure everything looks the same as it did before us. No problem. I am. I remain the princely. Excellent. Now please do the previous pose you did before. Thank you. No problem. It's just a little arm up here. Maybe. Just to remind you, the painting is butt up, face down. It's face down and ass up. That's the way I like to pose. So just pull my pants down here? Yes, yes. Thank you. This is family history. Your grandfather, your grandmother, your great grandmother. I'm just noticing all the... Every portrait is of a royal rear, and I am excited to join in the long line of family buttholes. Uh, let me bring in the, uh... Assistant? Yes. Assistant? Yes, ma'am? All right, let's continue. Let's, uh... And put on my jam so I have something to keep eye. Mom. Mom. He's missing the mole. The mole on the left. I cannot be missing the mole. The mole is what makes royals as far. I just... It's probably moles move a little around. They move around a little bit. They travel, they migrate south, north, in. Might have just snuck right in my old butt hole. Sorry? He's saying his mother went in his butthole, Mom. Well, that's not our problem. That's the problem of the doctor. We'll just have the doctor come in. Yes, Mom. This one says that his mother went in his butthole. Could happen. Maybe. Maybe not. Is there a dermatologist in the house? Yeah, Mum? Yeah, primary care physician really shouldn't weigh in on this, no offence. What we talking about an arsehole eating them all? Not eating it? Not eating it? Just going inside it? A mole moving inside an arsehole on its own accord? It could happen. Well, we should get the back of the excavate. Is that what's the name? The person who goes and gets the bones from the sand. Brought an excavate here, Mum. We've got to excavate from the butthole. Yes. Oh, she brought me smaller shovels. Well, I couldn't feel it anywhere in there. What would you have felt? A very tiny... How sensitive are your fingers? Would you feel a very tiny little flatness? Oh, you know better than he does. You know what a mole feels like. I finished the painting. Here you go. Look at it. Everyone's in it. There's me up there, Mom. Oh, yeah, they're right up, Mom. There's been an image, isn't there? That's me. I think they've really captured me. My finest's work. We'll always remember this. Let's meet back here in five years. All of us. Yay! Yay! Presenting the Lady Ariana. Okay. We're going to position you, lady, here in the center of the room. Center of the room. Perfect. Stand here. I'm just going to hide. Under my skirts? Perfect. Excuse me. Front button, Corbin. Sorry, be careful. Sorry. All right. If I just speak here into your calf corset, I think it actually the sound travels all the way up to your head corset. Am I correct? Up to my head corset. Yes. Perfect. Okay. Now, where is your Mingus? Here, that one. The chin is unmistakable. See how his mouth seems to be swallowing his neck. He really looks like he's struggling. And so, just confront him, you say? Yep. And that shall work? Call him over. I'll be here the whole time. Lady Ariana, you brave soul. Lord Mingus, in vain I have struggled, but for no longer can I keep my feelings at rest. Get him. Get him. Lady Ariana! Unexpected pleasure to see you here, royal foxhunt. Yes. I always love a royal fox hunt, but... Now ask him why he didn't respond to your letters. Lord Mingus, I must ask. Why have you never responded to my letters? I have sent you so many. Letters? Yes. I received one from you just a fortnight ago. The initials you put on your renewal of your ship's insurance policy. Sorry, can I just pull these crucifix strings? Wait, wait. Ow, my face. That's for not writing me back. Yes. I believe I wrote you just yesterday. Ah, my face again. You know what I mean, Lord Mingus. For I've been writing you these 18 years and not a real response, not one time. My child, I don't know what you're talking about. But also... And if you'd like to maybe smooch me on the side of the neck a little bit. You said you were going to chuck and kill yourself. Excuse me. Well, yes, obviously. Epistolary. I'm 65 years your senior. Seems entirely reasonable. My parents were 65 years apart. I must admit, this is quite a surprise. I would never have... Surprise? Okay, I think we've established now that he has no idea what we're doing here. Just kidding. Oh, I've never been so humiliated in my life What does he mean? What does he mean? Where else am I supposed to go? Lady Arianna I have contrived to meet you here At the Royal Foxhunt Ball As you requested What? I have received your letters every day For eighteen years And never have I felt bold enough to Write a response Much to my great shame Um, lady, do you know who this smokehouse is? If by smokehouse you mean a strangely square-chinned, full-haired freak. I know that there are many shortcomings of my character, but... Tallcomings, more like. What are you, six foot three? Six foot five, actually. And are those your real teeth? Yes, and I apologize for the overwhelming whiteness of them How dare you even deign to talk to me A woman whose lips are so strangely shaped I have pondered how to kiss those lips for years, Lady Arana Well, ponder on, bitch, it's not going to jacking happen But you've written me all these letters, I, Lord Mingus Oh, you're also called Lord Mingus This actually does happen quite a lot. There's only like five surnames in the whole place. Yes, Lord Mingus with an H. Boone, you have got to smooch this, Mingus. Servant, I don't know what they're doing down there in the servant's quarters, but this is not an eligible young man. First of all, he's the same age as me. Secondly, his torso is shaped like an upside-down triangle. I've never seen a man like this. Ooh, and what are those little divots on the side? They're like gutters. Yes, you can see it through his corsets. Vile. Every effort I make to reshape my body only yields more musculature, I'm afraid. Lord Mingus, it is I, your physician. I'm afraid we have come no further in deducing why you can last so freakishly long during the act of coitus. It's just... To my great shame. Perhaps unknowable. Boy, this guy just gets worse and worse. Lord Mingus, it is I, your father, and your mother is beside me. and we're here to just say we're so glad we have a healthy, loving relationship and your childhood was free of any traumas. You're terribly kind to say that, Father, but I know I am a great disappointment to you and Mother You never will be You perfect We love you Follow your dreams Okay well Let be friends I guess Can I have my letters back I have brought them with me In this box that I've graced tenderly With my hands every day for the last 18 years Yes well And you just like them back Yeah servant Servant Thank you thank you so much Well next time I'll see you around I shall go drown my sorrows in foxhunt cordial. I'm told it's quite good this year. Pardon me, sad, hot Lord Mingus. Castle Gazette here. Care to comment on the continued use of live foxes in the Royal Foxhunt Bowl? I'm afraid I couldn't possibly comment at this time. He has commented. Other Lord Mingus, I apologize. It's quite all right, other Lord Mingus. Recently there was a law passed that press are given rights. I still don't understand it, but we're no longer allowed to murder them on sight. How interesting. That's right. You can murder the press. Well, what are you to do when they ask their horrid questions? You're supposed to answer them. Freedom of the press is a hallmark of a healthy society. Lord Stephen, what nonsense is your watch spewing at us now? Is this not the most entertaining watch you've ever heard in your life? I'm not a watch. Lord Stephen, you've been spending all day passing laws and legislation allowing petty thieves, criminals, dissidents to go walk free in our streets. Yes, as a gag. Uh, no, I think we've been pretty... Oh, you're not see for humor, sir. Why, just earlier, I witnessed a team of autodocs treating a peasant for a sort of legion. Yes, you did. You did. Legion. What? What do you call it? Universal health care. What? It's absurd. Now presenting His Royal Majesty, the princeling Jeremiah. What an honor to be here amongst all of you. He looks just like himself. Yes? Yeah, I mean, I'm so sorry. I am the princeling Jeremiah. I don't answer to any other name besides that. No, it would be unusual were you to answer to another name, Jeremiah. Ah! Lord Stephen, your watch seems to be chatting me up. What's the deal? Yes, this watch is... Oh, the most hilarious piece of jewelry I've ever encountered. Watch, say one of your jates, will you? Impersonating royalty is not ethical. Not some of your best material watch, but I'll take it. Lord Stephen, may I have a little aside with your wristwatch? I love chatting up little baubles, you know. For the princeling? Anything. Cover your ears. What are you doing? Hey, Goody. Shut up, okay? I've got a good deal going here, huh? Look at this. No, you know what? No, you know what? You shut up. Because people are listening to me now. Things are changing because of me. Because of me. I'm doing all this stuff. Where's the real princely? Where's the real princely? I don't know. Something happened. He was doing stuff. He was trying to do derf stuff, and he jucked it up. He jucked it up real bad. That's how hard it is to be me, is what I might take away. When I saw him, he was making a noise. I was like... I'm not regicidal. Now announcing the newly appointed Democratic senators. A team of senators. Is this not the most ludicrous thing you've ever seen? Look at these commoners who now represent the galaxy. We want to bring up the question of do we even need a monarchy anymore? Think about it. Well, we've all had a mirthful chuckle. It is perhaps time to put an end to this amusement. Goody, some number of people are about to die here. We have to get out of here. I don't know what's going to happen. It's going to be bad. Congresspeople, would you come here? Now we have invented a new device. In honor of the most amusing watch to ever exist, we call it the Goody Teen. What? Oh no. I've been tricked by this name. We've drafted these bills that we hope will become laws. Well, yes, step into the Goody Teen and we shall enact them immediately. Oh, it sounds good. Goody, I don't know what this is, but I'm going to get out of here, okay? Yes, just lay down here. Okay. Okay, put your head and the bill through this hole. Oh, it's pretty comfortable. Why is there a basket under it? You'll catch the bill, of course. Okay, it seems... Very good. Goody, would you like to pull the first? I, no, I wouldn't. Well, here we go. This is twice as amusing as the watch. Another! No! Goody! Goody, what are you doing? Take me out of here, Shay. Government and ethics don't make... Lord Stephen, right? Oh, I'm even working now. Look at these shoulders. So tense and all these forearms. My goodness, they're so sinewy. You always with the compliments. Let's just shake these forearms for good measure. Yes, let's have a good shake. Oh, yes. Well, off I pop. Very well. Take care, my close personal friend. Shay, normally I would not endorse petty larceny, but since you stole me, thank you very much Hey, shh, shh, shh, it's okay You're safe now I have so much blood on my hands No, you truly have blood all over you I'm soaked in the stuff It's all over me It's just dripping now Yeah Royals and invited guests please take your places to witness His Royal Highness the princeling's birthday fox hunt. Oh yes, oh yes. Happy birthday. Here's your laser musket, son. Yeah, yeah, so I kill a running fox in this crowd of people. Is His Royal Highness prepared? Yes, I am ready. Then release the fox! Wow, okay. Look at this fox. You're rather strange, lad. Large fox. You may fire when ready. All right. Will you look at that? The fox has reared upon two legs. That never happens. This fox is angry. That fox has a gun. Is the fox armed? How's this working? Ooh, they gave the fox a sporting chance this year. That's not a fox. Eat laser, princeling. The fox is twinkling. Hey, twinkle, it's me, Duff. It's Duff. It's Duff. Twinkle! Jeremiah, no! Jeremiah, my carpet, no! Jeremiah, you've ruined the ball. Twinkle. Tickle him. Quick, tickle him back to life. Tickle, tickle, tickle. It's not working. You ask what I sacrifice. No one asked that. If only all our auto doctors weren't out curing the poor. Welcome to the Lord. Welcome to the Lord. Oh, man. What a ride. What a sick ride. You are not dead, but the princeling is dead. The princeling is dead. The princeling is dead. Yes, that is true. I'm alive. I'm derf again. That is a dead princeling. Still dead. Oh, yeah, that guy's dead. Oh, man. Our galaxy will descend into chaos. Because I missed you. Chaotic Galaxy means more work for the morgue bots. So, it's fun. Even I am not that cynical. I've hit a limit in their programming, I guess. Hey, disaster! Here is the mole we retreat from your butthole. It was in there? Oh, my. I had a royal mole in my butthole? That's crazy. You think my body made it? Is that part of the space? Is it fresh to make stuff come out of your butt? like what happened? Is there a prophecy about that? Is there a prophecy that something's going to come out of your butt? Or a mole specifically or anything. Listen, Durv, if you want answers to these questions you know where they all are? And I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but... You're telling me you got a scroll on Zima Prime that answers that question? Maybe we got a lot of scrolls on Zima Prime. I'll tell you what, you're making a good case. You're making a case for it, Zap. But I can't go yet. I'm getting closer. I have to reunite with Shay and Goody. We have at least one more step to go. I guarantee you. And where's that? For a change, I'm going to let the space guide me. Everyone, everyone, everyone. Huge news. I have just received an offer to be a production assistant on a real Hollywood film set. How'd you get that? How'd you get that? Yeah, how'd you get that? We are not Nippo babies. Sure, but how did you get that? May we give you our script? Two cents. I can't write that script. I am a copy. It is a fresh modern take on a classic. Hey, Morbot, do you mind if I sort of ride along with you? And sort of see, I feel I'm drawn to this by maybe the space, Zepza. I'm going to ride with this Morbot and see if it is. Literally, a droid just came in here and said something. And you're like, yeah, that sounds good. I'll do that. Isn't that what the space is? No. I get a feeling from this morgue bot. Oh, my gosh. Is the feeling, oh, I maybe recently had a mole ripped out of my asshole? Is that the feeling you get? I mean, yes and no. I think it just sort of drifted out like a hot air balloon. Okay. He is correct. See? Wow, really? I know my body. I know my body. I know my body. Sir, we have a policy against coarse language at this grocery store. Well, you know, I'm working on a memoir I'm recording. It's not for you, but I just was doing a little dry run on some of my phrasings, and I'm going to go with mold that floats out of my asshole like a hot air balloon. Sir, please keep your voice down. If anyone has any notes on the mole stuff, I'll be out in the parking lot just hanging around for a couple minutes. So come grab my attention and we can workshop this. You know, I was sad about losing that last chapter, but honestly, this was way better. And stop. This is TH33ND, credits and attributions to a commencing outro protocol. Young Derf and Old Derf were played by Justin Tyler Shea was played by Allie Kokesh Goody the Ethics Anklit, the Painter's Assistant and Morgbot 1 were played by Winston Knoll Zima Master Zabzop, Lord Steven, the Royal Excavator, Young Hot Lord Mingus and Morgbot 2 were played by Jeremy Benn The Princeling, the Physician, Old Weird Lord Mingus, Morgbot 3 and the Grocery Store Cashier were played by Alden Ford Twinkle, the guy selling Yesteryear's Bread, the Princeling's Father, the Royal Dermatologist and Morgbot 4 were played by Seth Lynn The Monarchy Space Guard, the Lady Staling Goat's Breath, the Sword-Wielding Busker, the Swine Guy Who's a Girl, the Princeling's Mother, the Portrait Painter, and Morgbot 5 were played by Mujan Zulfigari. The guy taking a long time in the Garderobe was played by Shane O'Connell. Lady Ariana was played by special guest Siobhan Thompson. Siobhan is a comedian and writer who can be seen on Dropout's actual play show Dimension 20. She has appeared on TV shows such as Adam Ruins Everything and Broad City and was a staff writer for Adult Swim's Rick and Morty. This episode was edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Original chamber music by Eric Gerson. Theme song by Brendan Ryan. Performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff, and Jay Fares. The Young Old Turf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network. Sleep is important, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm John Moe. On Sleeping with Celebrities, famous people help conk you out by talking in soothing voices about unimportant things. Maria Bamford on parking. I parked in a bus stop. That's just not right. I am not a bus. Roxane Gay on airports. My favorite airport is Indianapolis. It has a really smart layout. Alan Tudyk on yardsticks. You hand somebody a yardstick, yardsticks become part of the family. Granted, it's a weird idea, but it's lots of fun and it works. Listen wherever you get podcasts. Hey, it's Sue the subway train. Hey, guess what, Sue? I just inherited a game show, and I have to continue it because there are people out there who like to curl up into a ball and listen to it. Yeah, it's a podcast where listeners submit game show ideas for others to play on air. Well, it is. In fact, the dumber the better. Right, right, it's called Dr. Game Show. Some curled up balls consider it a tradition, while others call it a train wreck. No, not you, Sue. It's Dr. Game Show. If you're the sort that likes to listen to people competing for refrigerator magnets, then curl up into a ball and listen to Dr. Game Show. Every other Wednesday, MaximumFun.org. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Is the feeling, oh, I maybe recently had a mole ripped out of my asshole? Is that the feeling you get? I mean yes and no I think it just sort of drifted out like a hot air balloon Okay He is correct See I know my body I know my body That's poetry Somehow that's the most ridiculous thing that's happened in this entire episode That's the most beautiful thing that's ever been said on this podcast It's dripping out of my ass Oh my god Oh my god Ugh.