Ep 606 - Leadership

Wow Wow West What happened to squad Bro, I've been excited all morning man the squad is fuck I leave town you guys Everyone's at each other's neck. Yeah, man. It's a man of thieves. I mean, bro I don't want to point fingers, but I know I look I am doing better leadership I have you been have you taken care of I was I was the dick and good care You know what happened every week I've been working a pub every week I've been working them. I have been working in the pub and they get they get nasty And this is my leadership by Paul. I knew your leadership It failed us a little because when I got home and La Mer let me in he was like Dude, this is an internal deal. Fuck. This is an internal deal. No. Hey, thanks for letting me live here. I Walk in I was like have you been smoking in my house and he's like no Yeah, you have Well, Mayor King set up a high profile show. It's falling apart right now Mayor said about yeah a big show and then the rest of optimum Noxus has stabbed him in the back. Yeah Yeah, it's optimum trader is you would never do that. So now you're turning on Nate I mean you guys considering bailing on La Mer I Marry What the fuck man, I'm there do all three spots and just be stuck This is generally do Get a clue $48 The vibe Fuck them up. Hold on time out time out. Let's let's not pin this on me the leadership was good The leadership was good. What have you let me do they set up an auxiliary deal and They just had some crackhead deal going on it all fell apart What are you guys doing? You guys are sweating fucking pennies man. We're trying to fucking I just I felt a bad deal happen That's why I chose to this morning of like this out. I'm back this morning. You welcome instead. I'm not doing it I well, I asked oh get the mic get a mic So just to provide context there was a bit there's a comedy festival La Mer got reached out La Mer signed these two up These guys these two fucking spoiled brats didn't like the bag They said that's not enough of a better fucking up your reputation. I'm on your side, bro Why'd you agree to say to do it when he told you? It's nice They misread the email La Mer La Mer runs like Ponzi schemes for stage time It's fucking wild So La Mer bring us through bring us through the initial thing. We got to solve this bro We can I can't pod under these conditions trying to get our show at the riot I'm trying to get optimum not to say riot in Houston so we can do it there And then Sean and the guy was like let's you guys can headline our festival We can do your show at the festival. I was like that's cool. Sean say one of the $10,000 And then I sent them the email and they're like, all right And then I told them I like they're in and then yeah, and then day before the the big show You're one of your closest friends. I will not the day before and it's not the worst We were this tomorrow it is tomorrow, but I I was It's today right now. Yeah, you're right tomorrow fair enough. I just wasn't sure but I started trying to like just figure out more because they they haven't talked to me once and I'm supposed to headline the show I Don't want to like shit on the thing, but they're just running. Oh now you are but I Asked them, but it's not for you if they would they just respond it when I mayor did tell me you were the king I got potential was and my guarantee was if they would have just been said 50 bucks if they wrote back It would have been different. They didn't even respond. That's I don't know So you're saying it's like leaving a comedy festival. Just no no show Just not telling me when leaving a comedy festival something like that Would you say? But that was the etiquette around here I just I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode and you guys Yeah, all I wanted was three of you stand outside of 7-eleven right now scratching You're squabbling dude. I was just so happy to have us all under one roof together I'm happy to I was just so happy to see you guys and then to have you guys come in here just Like women. Yeah, they're carrying at each other. I can fucking blame God dang you know what though that felt a lot faster than last year last year It felt like that your absence went on forever this year. It kind of did zip by yeah, so that was nice. Yeah I did feel I felt like I was I was definitely gone for a while, but you know nothing changed No, it was like a time vortex around here. We just it just like fucking flew by I think it's like I don't sleep ever So kind of bumble through my days in a haze all the time But I'm I am really sad to see the mayor said that I know that hurts me to see him sad They say go big or go home But now you can go big at home with the big arch on delivery when you're hungry for something big Like really big big arch for big McDonald's hunger order on the McDonald's app Saved from 11 a.m. Up charges and fees apply to deliver orders subject to availability price and participation may vary We have we have a war to attend to I got stung by a wasp last night. Where's an ass? It's in an outlet out there. Why open to the outlet last night stuck my hand into unplug something I fucking scared the fuck out of me a little risky to spray in the aerosol Yeah, I don't know what to do now. We have a battle Very small nest. I think I can squash it with my hand if I have a nice glove squash the nest I'm just fucking that's not a bad idea get a falconers glove hyper punch. Yes And I my bedrooms on the other side of it. I went to bed last night hand elevated because it was Just looking at the wall. I'm gonna kill the whole mess. It's wasp one. You haven't even struck back yet I haven't struck back yet. Hey, but they're gonna pay sacrifice the outlet get that um get like I like that construction foam you spray it gets like real big real quick You can just suffocate those guys to death and then just have some electrician come out and swap the outlet just Sacrifice yet they they set up shop in that outlet being like he's not gonna enter It was promised to me That's an outdoor you know those things you only get so many out to Alice too that case of beer has been out there So long there's a bird's nest inside of it Nature's pretty nature's conspired against you having your beers and tunes. Yeah, he must have done nothing What the hell man? Have you done in this house? I can't there's Christmas decorations still up The only thing he did was set back he just took over his gooner cave again One of these got multiple monitors in there. It stinks like somebody's been smoking inside of it You got dual screen and he goes no, I haven't jacked. He lied again about Jack Off that man. I know yes, that's the only place to jack off wait That's what the polls for dude The fount in the backyard is a chair of the cunecave is good just disintegrated. I walked into his room and it is La Mer is that that bed? Sigs has that been Sigs in the pool cave? Okay, no, sir. You promise house. Yeah, six is outdoor activity not even after a couple drinks. Yeah, not even after any drinks Respectable appreciate that Inside Sigs is the ultimate disrespect. Yeah, it's diabolical Smells like indoor blunts though But that could have just been Two is crazy Just you're lying to me about jacking off And you're using my fucking chair that I like You claim zero jacks in the pool shack no post acts filled to the brim here He's got a big screen jack. You don't think there's been a big screen jack Dude I've been retting that couch out for the hour. Oh, this was the craziest thing I come home My door my bedroom door is locked from the inside And I go what I was like, you didn't have any parties. Why is this door locked? He's like, no, I never had anyone here. I locked that so that I wouldn't go in there He locked the door to keep himself out of my room. How strong was the desire to get in there? What the fuck are you doing? I just didn't want like I just thought that would be the best way to like seal it and never like Think about it again I Jack it off in my room What are you off to? Hold on. I do what I mean very thoughtful But like what was the and he like nerd rush to unlock it when I came Nerd rush to like a device. He has over there to pop the line He knew exactly the chopstick just get what was you didn't you didn't think you get like you thought maybe you get drunk and like No, I thought Me What Got to get up and cover I Mean it's awful not to know to seal the door from yourself I learned to unlock trick from another Give the key to the police No matter what I say later, don't let me in that room You gotta explain to me your thought process You actually don't know your though. I just did that as soon as a guy here I was like nobody needs to go in here and I locked the door But that's when I start saying nobody as far as you told me you didn't have people here Yeah, I didn't really had Nathan show on here a couple times now look at these Looking away He's got friends coming over hit me up saying tonight the mayor says cool if I stayed for a week Fuck Yeah, fucking Dorian coming for a week at the deeds man the deeds the deeds my sir It'll be me deeds of a man the fucking weirdest crew These two watching anime every night This episode is brought to you by prize picks the playoff pushes heating up and tournament hoops are here There's no better way to cash in on the high flying hoops action than prize picks where it always feels good to be right Every fucking bucket every dime every win means more when you're playing on prize picks So don't pass up your next shot with prize picks and get $50 instantly in lineups when you pay for your first fucking five dollars Matt discuss your favorite feature early payouts stacks or injury reboots stacks. Yeah, I like Good stack. I love stacks like stacking those guys up. I the only thing I love doing is stacking guys and fucking Rebooting they go you just booted once. There's no way you're gonna boot again. I go fellas. I just stacked him about the boot twice Sometimes I have an early payout And it's so shameful, but all the fellas I stacked go. Hey man, don't worry about it I got fellas. Give me a second. I'm trying to reboot They go you can definitely boot again Then I fucking boot all over some guys fucking face Prize picks is simple to play you just pick more or less due to six players dad projections You get a picture how you can cash in pick from all your favorite sports anything basketball baseball hockey uoC soccer college basketball Tennis golf e-sports and more and now price picks has early payouts. Oh If your player gets off to a hot start you have to fucking pop real quick You can get an early payout now you have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes So download the prize packs app today and use code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup prize picks That's great stuff Bro that is so fucking funny squad is What happened to you guys? It was all the right everything was chilling and you know Yeah, I think we were doing great. It was one one riff just happened to be today Have I missed any risks? Is there this is the biggest riff this moment? It's a good one I think we I was saying to Sean actually the night we saw you It was like the last time you came back We were going through hell and you coming back was like nice. Yeah, and then this time It was like it's still nice, but it was like oh shit Now you're like we don't even fucking need a man It was just a different it was just I don't know I just remembered the hell The mayor told me you were the king of Austin I don't know why he would say that he told it and he told me in complete sincerity because we were Driving together and I asked him was like what's going on in Austin now, and he was like Nate's the fucking king I would be pulled up to a light yesterday, and there was a Sticker of a guy's face, and he was like is that Nate? He thought people were putting up murals of you this and I was like no you fuck why the fuck would somebody draw Nate? You can't be that I got me making that up. I promise you're still doing that bit from the other day. I'm not doing a bit Let me ask please Zero percent chance that you're the king now, huh? He said you were the king now, and that you're running it here, but that's just Trying to make bad news for me. You don't mean that I think he was being totally serious I see as devious is yeah well there was can you back? What's what what basis? I don't he's just moving right he's kinks moving motion. He's got some motion. Yes, dude the birds back birds back in the bud light. Yes What? Well, I'm glad they're back because Tommy reached his hand in there last night it flew out scared the fuck out of him He receives like he's a fucking bat in there It's right there Good bird. That's awesome Dude, I got locked out of the Two days ago. I was running the bathtub. It was me and Chloe I'm like all right bathtub is running I'm like going to get other shit and all of a sudden it had been running for a minute and like Chloe comes up to me. She's like um The doors locked I was like what door she's like to the bathroom, and I was like but the bathtub running She was like yeah, I was like how'd you lock the door? She's like no. I'm like you lying. She was yes. I'm very sorry Are you mad at me? That's how I live with them there, dude Did you smoke a bun here? No, are you lying? Yes, I'm lying. I'm really sorry. Are you mad at me? I Was by God there I Was gonna knock the door like through I call bring him like well where's the keys for this? She's like remember it's this little screwdriver. You're the one to figure it out I was like, oh, where is that? I like ran downstairs got the little it's like a little eyeglass screwdriver and it popped it open and I got in it was like dude literally that far from overflowing just ruining the floor Yeah, I was scared. How was I was like shitting myself. Yeah, I would have been done I would have started slamming my body This close if I didn't call for the key because I was like pushing down as hard as I could and it was starting to like spin Yeah, and the thing I was like I'm gonna have to shoulder the door down She was like what the fuck no could have been sick that would have been tight I could have easily kicked that thing in so yeah, I'd have been cool, but yeah, that was I was shitting myself But yeah, that's what happens man doors get locked. There's no explanation. I asked her like why did you do that? She's just like she had a new like Barbie tool set. She's like I used my tools to lock it. I'm like, no you just did your finger Maybe uses tools maybe the most is just tools lock the door Ah, the dude the squad's already back I can feel it the rift is amended I can feel it Nate's going to the festival. It's settled Come on. You gotta hit the fest Nate. Come on No That's great Sean's gonna go so I think she was in the back on cares about his craft. Yeah I'm sorry No, I would never do that to The mayor who's who's who's your better friend out of Sean and Nate now I Know same talents gonna do the podcast. I'm Saturday, so that'd be pretty cool. That's a good answer He's become a politician since you've been gone Yeah, it's interesting I'm just saying it's interesting. I haven't heard anyone talk about it. That's interesting. I don't even think about it Well gosh darn it man, yeah, I'll tell you what I Don't know dude. I have a I've been getting a lot of pressure to get a different car people get up my ass So I have a CRV CRV's are sick. That's what I said. I'm like, this is a nice car. You're like, dude That's ridiculous. Yeah, like what are you gonna get next? I'm like, I don't see over here. I have a fifth It's 50,000 miles. I'm gonna rock the thing for a while. The only thing now I'm thinking is I'm getting pure pressure to get something. I might trick it out completely I mean, you're like kind of low-key, but just like a matte black paint job or a wrap I think a rap's cheaper. Matt black on a CRV would be fucking awesome. And nobody's done that I don't think anyone has Matt black like a mill almost military vehicle. I would get Matt black insides completely torn out and everything sprayed with like a No epoxy basically I want a car that's like completely waterproof surfaces that I can just take a leaf flow or two and just blow everything out And just pick it up. So that might be that might be the new whip. I would support that Windows for sure. I wanted to look like literally a mirror. I'm gonna try to make it look like a very shitty cyber truck Slam it down a little bit. Let's have they have them do whatever they can do to the engine to like speed it up It was bumper stickers. It's like I bought this before That's actually really good idea throw that all the I bought this before before Elon Musk was just filling it up at a gas station Dude, those those I bought this before Elon bumper stickers or I think the pinnacle of like Facebook or whatever like Instagram politics We're just completely meaningless Or you're like, what why why are you doing this? Just get if you if you really hate the guy that much sell the car Put your fucking money where your mouth is if you think he's truly like a despot Ruining the country evil billionaire. It's like trade in the motherfucking get something else. Yeah get a rivion, bro CRV dude, it's time get a fucking CRV support Japan. It is time to support Japan Japan's huge right now. We're gonna need them Has anyone ever has anyone even helped us no, but ever no one's actually Closest allies helping the Our only friend America's only friend Politics right now must you must be feeling good, dude The view is confident right now The view is gone. Hmm. We told you Should have listened to us How do you feel right now, I just feel bad he didn't do anything he was gonna say yeah, yeah Yeah, so I feel bad about so many upset people Yeah, people hurt people People are mad. I want I want him to take that straight of her muse. Yeah, I need that. Yeah, what the hell man I said I was gonna open it on Monday. You said you're gonna open it. Yeah, I called it. I said don't worry guys I'm gonna open it. You should open it. I can't it's about Iran's to It's out Iran's nasty. I thought it was gonna be like benefit. It's been a little Venezuela part. Yeah It's like bro. I thought we're big and bad dude get that straight open it up open the straight You think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a You think they would be like alright never mind. We don't want to fuck with you guys You blew up a 86 year old with a Tomahawk missile So funny we killed a fucking 90 year old man with a missile dude I've been laughing out their leaders all look like evil wizards. They are all evil. There's always like giant long beers Yeah, black hat Just got it's got exploded in this fucking house. I Was reading about their like enriched uranium or whatever. You know, it's buried under like a deep mountain It's like an evil like Dr. Evil there. Yeah, and apparently they can I guess from like the radioactive signature or whatever They can like monitor it like almost like a thermal image where they're like there it is I don't know how true that I believe anything because it's I'm saying it's like underneath a mountain I think the people telling us that are the ones going no, they're really enriching that uranium That's why we can see it. Well, that's that's the thing It's like trying to fucking blow them up. Well, they also we did this we did the WMD So like you trust us guys this time we're like we got sensors that are actually picking up the WM They've been telling us they're gonna do this Well, and apparently so if they don't if Iran doesn't just completely capitulate and be like, alright Here's all of our like nukes. We've been building forever We'd have to go to look a subterranean layer. Well, you'd have to go extract their stuff Yeah, you have to go to a subterranean layer under in an active war zone and just somehow transport giant radioactive barrels He's sick. It's gonna be the ultimate. It's like the last level of a video game. It's like a really hard level They're gonna need the AB AB select start up down left right for that that's gonna be a tough one We need that so many tough, but I want straighter or moves open now. It needs to be open I'm use or muse listen up or muse. Yeah, open up dude. Yeah, open up Fucking drones at us. Yeah, that's fucking annoying. Let's see shit, dude. I know you do what we do drones More expensive cooler drones Yeah, I switch they listen to us let us be the boss they should listen to us I know what the fuck's the problem. Don't they fucking know Apparently not measure told them apparently not and then I've been watching the beef on Cuba I always forget we're still fucking blockade in them as well. Yeah, they shouldn't have Done whatever they fucking did You know, I'm sick of them. Hey, man Cuba better stop doing whatever they did to make us mad. Yeah We'll save them for them from fucking communism. We'll come back to them Starve them out. Do you hear your boy Trump on Cuba? No, what do you say? He was like, uh, I could take Cuba I could do whatever I want to Cuba and the reporter was like, what do you mean? He's like, I mean, I'll fucking take it if I want or maybe I'll turn it into a nice little vacation spot Anyway Yeah, dude, he's wild now. I'm telling you he's We got it. We got to learn dude and just get like a 50 year old. We need a 50 year old bro That's that's prime president age white walls just new fucking fresh. Yeah gray sides. Yeah, we need Tommy Pope to be president what His press conference Guys got fucking hot dog water in his brain, so we're gonna blow him up Yeah, Cuba I'm sick of Cuba. Yeah, man. I better fucking get with the program. I'm tired of Cuba. I need Greenland still Don't we have Greenland? It's time for Denmark to give us Greenland. Yeah, didn't know Denmark had Greenland That's yeah, he's a new I didn't know Yeah, I don't think most people know that. Mm-hmm Greenland acts like it's an event Well, they ain't yeah, what the hell is that all about fucking shape up? Dude better always people better take up before we turn better turn the world into our vacation spots Which we like a station spots already is the case Now I just can't even go to them because we'll get be headed. I know I know It's a shame go to any of the vacation spots. I'll tell you what though the ride a comedy fest bag next year is gonna be fat Now it's war zone plus negative comments They're gonna get me next week And I'm getting my head cut off The bag the bag for that's gonna be so nice I'm getting punched right when I get Their next flyer is gonna be your head in like a wooden box The very sorry traders The coward Yeah, no, that's a I'm excited to see that'll be cool The bag. Yeah, the bag on that's what the Saudi bag. We naughty dude for next year in the war zone Unless I ran keeps winning Oh fuck dude, that might be Iran by next year. They're right. I ran might expand at this right there Fucking shit up. I think they killed like six guys. Did they yeah. Oh, no That's nuts. Well, I've been trying to figure out because I've been trying to like he's fired 20,000 drones and hit like four guys We're like we can't fuck with these guys too strong That's what I've been trying to figure out is all the news is like disaster disaster Trump spending out It's over and you know, I'm trying to keep like a 360 view of like I don't want to get caught up on either side of the prop again But it's like bro, like give me something like is it I don't know anything that's happening No, I can't I literally can't get a read on it. I just know I need Q is soon. I just talked to grok all day I just what's grok saying about it. He's wrong about everything. Yeah, grok's grok's would help me with my garden I'll rock never even put squirrels in bikinis when people ask him to What is it? What's grok do fucking never does it? I'm always checking. I got did grok do it now Someone always takes a hot picture. Someone goes grok put her in this outfit. It's like Long Croc never does it. What is it bitch? It's like no, thank you. Yeah, it just doesn't do it. Yeah, grok I hope grok is fucking hit with a buzzook I hope I ran gets grok with a buzzooker Yeah, that'd be terrible well must is on a pay for the TSA guys That'd be sick. Yeah, also I went I flew this weekend TSA Not one person was in line. It was great. Yeah, well that what they do is they take the all the videos are at like 7 a.m. 6 30 when it's like prime time flying So I went to Austin the one when they had like the news cameras there because it was like a line all the way outside Dude, it took me I was yes. First of all, they're like TSA pre checks not open. It's been open everywhere Yeah, and I was outside it took like 30 minutes. I got right through but yeah, it was funny There was a guy behind me. We were like outside It's early in the morning and like, you know, there's like when it's real crowded They hold there's like a lady with an orange flag and you gotta like find that person and stand there That's like this is on you for taking these early ass fucking flights. I like to get my nap I like to get there and I fly day off and it's like I'm course you fly. Yeah, but when they say you got to get here The day before I'm like man get the fuck out of here. That's ridiculous. It's crazy But I fly early and it's it's not even bad. I get there an hour or an hour and a half early like I'm chilling But there was the ladies holding the flag I find the flag lady and I'm like, all right lines here and I saw this guy I think it was a Disney adult. He had the Disney backpack He just stands he goes in line and then he just stands like shoulder to shoulder with me and then inches forward And then dude, there's we're outside of the airport waiting to get in I'm looking at I'm like, bro What did you get there before the airport's open? No, I'm saying like you're not it the lines and when I went outside Jesus, but it looks bad on the news. I'd be going home. It's not that dude It was 30 minutes all said and done and the guys like shoulder to shoulder creeps in front of me And I'm like yo, bro, where you where you going man? He was like, oh, I'm just getting in line I'm like, bro, I'm the back of the line. He was like my flight to seven o'clock sporting now I'm trying to butt in front of one person got a button for the one person I was like dude like I was like it makes you feel better since you're late You can't get in front of me But you got to go beg for mercy at the very front just go cry to them and tell me your flight sporting That's your only hope because he was like you think I'll make it. I was like, no, you're not gonna make it You're not gonna make it he was just sitting there whole time like tapping and tapping finally finally he took my advice and went to the TSA like Whatever faceless ID and they were like go ahead man. So I'm through I was he was just like stimming out I was like, where the fuck do you think that guy had to go? You have a Disney book back on you have nowhere to go You have an important business meeting dude. He was just my flight's boarding. Yeah, it's my flight's boarding right now I was like, yeah dickhead you can't show up when your flight's board you want to fucking Friday at 6 30 a.m. Move it. Yeah, I got in couple the ice agents said what up. So the ice agents no pictures fellas Please no pictures give me a picture Letting you chain hold the gun at the airport. They would the guy was like, yeah, I went to your high school. I was like, well Please no picture. Please don't ask. Please don't ask That's what I'm excited. I say just pictures. I know I want to see him I got I get to fly next week. I want to I want to see I wanted to see like I took two weeks off And I'm like damn I wanted to see those guys in the airport should have hassled them like the people on the internet are doing True. True. Walk up and go. Yeah, you fucking race trader bitch So fucking crazy There's a funny guy who's going to Mexico on vacation and he goes up to the ice agents He's like you guys think you can get me there quicker and the ice agents crack up Inspired by jet engine silences The Dyson hush jet purify powerfully purifies the entire room quietly capturing pollen allergens and pet dander Removing odors and harmful gases such as NO to day and night I shit powerful compact purification. That's quite Make your summer with Starbucks make it fun make it bright make it yellow make it Unexpected make it miss the last train make it Friday vibes all week make it completely bananas Make it out shaking espresso latte or matcha latte make it yours Discover the new Starbucks iced caramelized banana range today. They'll make you a summer Subject to availability while stocks last Some I said it before man. My personal politics is whatever it takes to move the lines at the airport. I don't care Yeah, you can put anybody there. I'd be like yo go for yes You put Iran got an airport. I'd be like let's go boys. You know what you guys should have enriched uranium I don't give a fuck. Let me through this fucking scanner I'm a one-issue voter. I'm airport lines. That's it. It's all I care about Speeded up by five minutes. You got my vote. I swear to God. I am So it's all I care about that's the one thing I'm like no for real guys we got to figure this out It is bullshit. They don't stop arguing and just just both parties should go All right, let's like take TSA out of our big giant packages of deals and just both say yes to finding TSA How have you let nature just Destroy our backyard a squirrel was yelling at us when we walked in Nature's on our house. Did what he was in a tree and he wouldn't budge. He's just gone He's barking at the mare. What the hell It was a very adorable squirrel. Was it I'm scared of him I thought he's gonna jump down on us because I've never seen a squirrel do that. He stood his ground on us What noise was he making you like bark? Yeah, it was like a squirrel bark. What? Yeah What's funny is they they rarely a rabbit. I think I don't think I was like I don't think rodents get rabies like that They was just defending his might be true. That's crazy. I might have been babies up there Might have been a squirrel. He knew he's like this fucking Bear is gonna try to get my fucking To is gonna climb up here I just Just made sure Nothing was like touched. I Tried to at least you did a great job. Yeah, he was garden. He was garden the portal, dude What are you doing? Where you going? Oh in the creek Playing board games at the creek. Yeah. All right. They got the mayor whooping they got a mare whooping I did see the mayor whooping on there and I said, all right, maybe he would score a bucket. Yeah He had a nice lab. I was like, oh shit. Yeah, man deceptive I did I played pick up basketball two days ago. I still have a headache But then I did go to the gym with a mare yesterday and you're not getting more than two points You're gonna be so gassed The mayor said he could beat me in a race While you were going the mayor for real was like, no seriously, I could beat you. I was like, well, that's not even that's you're just lying That's crazy Why did you say that? That's fair You believed it how drunk were you when you made the claim? It's like 10 30 a.m 10 30, huh? What the fuck was he doing at 10 30? I've been doing an early gas might have been noon though Actually, I mean noon and noon. I think high noon. He looked me in the eyes. I could be in a race Why are you doing that? You think it could be Nate in a race? That's a good question How about you guys race to Houston? I Winner gets $48 and gets to bomb for an hour in front of 12 guys Yeah, then I just gonna go me easy the man They go on ready. I saw me fucking suck Fuck him. I saw him fucking sucks Shit. Oh boy. Oh boy Now I'll tell you what man. Yeah, it's good to be back. Yeah, good times right in time for summer too It's gonna be back a lot. I don't have a vehicle right now. So I'm right. I'm at the mercy of the me's Me's please You're the me's 80s Dang, where's your vehicle getting transported down? Yeah, that's what's up Fucking nice until then I'm at the mercy of the go horse go horseback Mays, what do you what time do you leave for Houston tomorrow? To Okay, I think my vehicles coming tomorrow. I need someone here. Nate. You're not doing anything Nice hell yeah, I'm trying to think They're really doing anything. Yeah stung by the wasp was big done by the wasp. That doesn't happen to me in years Dude, I forgot how bad that fucking hurts it you want to cry and I was mad at the wasp Like what the fuck what's the point of it still hurting? Yeah, you know and wasp defense back like it's to get you away Yeah, but then then I thought about more And it does work. I was scared to walk over there. Oh for sure. I don't want to go back over that side of my house We got it after this pain. Let's go take care of that when we're done. I'd like that But yeah, it's you'll see the nest is that big it's literally It's all one fucking one cell. Yeah, is there is it inside the outlet or in the cover? Inside the cover. Oh, we got that. Oh, we gotta lift it Yeah, so we need one person with a broomstick to lift it up fucking thing was yeah, he I woke him up last night I opened it and stuck my hand. I Could hear it. I heard a noise and I don't think it was a wasp I would imagine probably they don't lose their stinger either. So that guy's still alive. Yeah They don't like sting you and die. I got hit with obozoca Fucking dickhead I Had an ankle. I had a bee land on my ankle I was outside working out and it landed on my ankle. It was like a big fly and I was like fuck off me I got it off. It was on there for like five seconds. Yeah came and landed on my other ankle For five more seconds and I was like, I saw was a bee. I was like, what the fuck? There's a bee here. No, didn't even sting me. All right. It's crazy. Nice. Yeah, I was like I was kind of scared though I was kind of like damn do you think it got me? I was already afraid of these wasps. Yeah, they're they dominate my pool Yeah, they're always there now. I'm really scared of them. I felt their fucking There's no tip of my pinky that thing would have killed anywhere else you get that on like a fucking shoulder your belly or something That would fucking kill. Oh, just like it's like tattoo launch. Yeah, ever a tattoo would hurt Absolutely a belly sting. I you think a belly sting would be better though. I Don't know. I feel like like the bone elbow would hurt Dude, I got stung literally same spot right in the finger. It hurts so fucking bad I was trying to sleep and it kept hurting Randomly it would just feel like I got stung again Fucking why I'm gonna kill this motherfucker. I told you but last summer when I got stung It was late summer when they get all like weird and like old it just came down from a tree Landed on my fingers stung and flew away. I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even near the nest Just stung me and I literally was like, I was like this walking holding my finger like That's what I there was the Mexican sweet boy at the restaurant I was at I had ordered stuff to go and I like it was like dude just be cool As soon as you looked at me, I was like, it's got stung by a wasp. Of course I had to tell everybody I had to tell a trusted adult. I was like, I got hurt. I got hurt You're never gonna believe what just happened. You know the scariest fucking bugs It attacked me Yeah, man, yeah, he's he had murder he had very kind eyes and I was just kind of like I gotta tell you I guess we put it. Yeah, very kind eyes So you gotta tell you something brother. Yeah Once he put it she would look like a cold horchata on me cold horchata on my finger. It'd have been nice This episode is sponsored by better help Growing up with the better what you have to learn about money growing up any financial stress you experienced Personally, I'd yeah, I just never had it. Yeah, I didn't really I wasn't stressed about it. True. You worry about it I worry about it. Yeah, I had my problem growing up as Mo Money Mo problems people Yeah, I had too many damn problems pretty stressed about it when I went once you get a little older Yeah, I was growing up when I started getting stressed about money. You have money When I was a young man, I the only thing I was stressed I would steal quarters from my parents to get choco tacos when the ice cream truck came by that stress And that was stressful because you go I'm not I'm not gonna fuck these guys over and give them nickels Yeah, I remember find all the quarters. I don't I remember just having a bunch of like tens and fives That smelled like weed and I have to take them to the bank. That's stress that is stressful being like, please don't fucking smell bills Is better help talking about money now. Yeah, dude My man When we talk money, I'm always reminded of a moment. I felt stressed and overwhelmed Time I was struggling to pay the rent when tax season rolls around. Yeah, I mean money stressful Hey guys our relationship with money can be dot dot dot weird and not always good You're feeling the stress. You're not alone and guess what there's something you can do try therapy with better help Yeah, they can't solve your financial woes They can help you better manage the anxiety that comes with it better helps fully licensed therapists have served Millions of people around the world changing their relationship with money other people even themselves Because everything is entirely online. It's easier at the support you need when you need it. That's not good. That's not a good sign It's a weird angle the economy. Yeah, hey, it's not a good sign. Yeah, you sad and Hey, hey, you fucked right now Strange. Yeah, there's a bad guys when life feels overwhelming therapy can help sign up and get 10% off at better help comm slash mssp That's better a GLP comm slash mssp. Okay April 17th, I'll be in Nashville the 18th. I'll be in Charlotte Monday May 4th. I'll be at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. It's a fucking Monday You're like crazy Thursday, I'll be Thursday Friday Saturday May 7th 8th and 9th. I'll be in Boston and July 17th at the link And there's a few shows or there's a couple tickets left for that Get on it. Oh, yeah guys 410 April 10th. I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota The day after that I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa And then like I was talking about celebrity theater Phoenix, Arizona Then Tucson and I'll be in Toronto 515 I think but I have two shows. I think they're both sold out might add a third. Okay, it's around rules Toronto does seem sick. I might add a third, but I don't know. Hopefully I just want to do two I don't know doesn't have bums. It doesn't Know they're in Waterloo And then Chicago 516 Riviera Theater And also be at the mother ship all of this weekend Friday Saturday And so I think I think only Sunday and late Saturdays left. So please come Thank you. Oh, and you can catch Nate at the comedy festival tomorrow Goodbye Yeah, damn other other than that. Did I I've been all business man. I'm down here. You've been strictly biz strictly bit strictly busy You haven't strictly biz strictly biz man. I just been fucking like working out and doing stuff and Not sleeping. It's been tight. Yeah, I was just doing tires. Yeah, that was it heard that That was it. It's just global global global conflict global conflict that I know nothing about and then doing tires I'll do I'm telling you though be ball. I think my toenails gonna fall off. You know, you would stop real hard Shoes, I think I'm gonna lose my left toenail. You know, I played five games and I for real I felt like I've had a fever today. I felt the next morning. I woke up and I was telling Bernie I was like not even sore man. I'm not must be in shape. I'm working out like by noon. I was like I was my fucking head hurt so bad. I laid down for like three hours went to bed. I Still feel fucked up today. Yeah, it was nice. I was going to bed last night. I was like, why the fuck am I so tired? I was like, oh, yeah, I worked out. Yeah the first time in forever What's the protocol? What do you mean was the workout protocol? It was nothing. I literally went there to sauna and cold plunge That's nice, but I then we I lifted a little nice It's not what you smile it and then got in and go. I'm not doing a fucking cold plunge Did the sauna and left really? Yeah, I Stared at the cold plunge put my hand in it. I was I just don't have it today boys. That's true That's true. I've I've acclimated to it now where I can pop in I used to be you were Cold plunge. I was cold plunge baby. I couldn't do it now. I can I can sit in there for three minutes and just kind of like I Got in a Barton Springs recently felt like nothing. That's nice. It was I was like, dude. I've I don't do that I don't know what's up with the diving board there. I try to do a backflip Dude the diving board's fucked up It's it just you know when you're on a trampoline with someone and they steal your bounce and you don't go up at all I try to do a backflip off it my I don't know what happened the board stole my bounce So I just like didn't get any air and just went My legs a bunch of people there. Yeah, dude My legs whipped as hard as they could go and his water shot up my nose I landed on my face and water shot up my nose. Oh, that's not good You know, you like like you get like almost like an accident and it takes a second like what the fuck happened I got out of the water like And you're trying to show out trying to show out Trying to show out. Have you ever seen titties there? No. Oh well. Well, I did see Asterisk I saw titties that got the nipples removed When I was there and actually to be there wasn't a ton of people there. I went early. Yeah, I had when you were like Two days ago. I had Corey Hyder on the guy from Instagram goes through all the houses or whatever and so I took him down there And so we saw that first of all he saw my back flip It was fucking trash and then I go down and we see the like I was telling him I'm like, you know, sometimes there's like titties here to walk. There are titties, but there's no nipple I don't know what was going on with them. I was just like, well, fuck, you know So then you know, we're getting out and Go to the locker room and I was like before we walk in I'm like Well, I had to get I had warm clothes. I don't get changed out But dude, so and I thought there'd be like dressing stalls in there. So like we're walking in. I'm like, bro James. No, no, no I didn't get naked I didn't get naked but when I brought him in I was like dude This is another thing I love down here when you go into these bathrooms I was trying about to say like there's no ceiling a lot of the times we like it's a sky But you're in the bathroom. I'm like, bro I fucking love the bathrooms and we turn a corner just a fucking glistening hog and I like I didn't finish my sentence It's just a dude rinsing off and it's like I think he was bricked Honestly, it was like a bricked up hog and then the guy just talking this close to him while he's showering And the dude Corey was we just both went silent just staring straight ahead He went I was like almost done dude I almost just walked out almost turned around and then I got walked to an emergency exit and it was like a dead end We both just do we both I was like, dude, I know that guy was gonna be there. I didn't know that guy was gonna be there He's like dude chill. I'll go to the stall get changed. I was like, what the fuck are we gonna do? We get naked with each other and he's like, I'll go to the bathroom stall And I was like, he was like, dude, that guy's bricked up for real that guy We like giggle and walk back And he goes in the stall gets changed and I just I turned and gave the guy bricked up guy But I just turned I just I just showed him my I showed up my ass because I was like I can't do this Oh, dude, I'm not gonna give him tiness, dude. Although that could have been just getting naked in there I was well He was he had hog out and I was gonna do like dressed because I gave the stall obviously to the guests I'm like, yeah, I don't I'll handle the streets out here So then I'm like you go in and then I was like I felt kind of like a bitch getting dressed under my towel when the guy was Presenting hog. So I just presented my strong suit, which is my cake I'm presenting cuz I was like fully shrimped out. So I was like, I'm gonna show him my cake Well, I'll like that'll shrimp you out. I do I was shrimp from the water. See a monster. Oh, I like that I couldn't present dude. I was fucked He was having a conversation glistening hog in the sun like do you remember what he was talking about? I do I could it was like a flash back. It was just like So he was it was probably like a city employee I think that's that's he struck me as like a guy when you go get like a construction permit He's like, I don't know man. I don't know. He struck me as one of those guys I thought he would total composure. It sounded like a homosexual man. I very high pot probability Yeah, very high probability actually so but then I did have a palette cleanser. So then I you know, I got I got my clothes on You know, I abandoned the towel. I was partially a man in the locker room But I did show ass and then I turned around Corey. I'm like, I'm dressed Corey comes out. He's dressed and we turned around There's an old man who had walked in and I was like, oh, no, dude. We got another incoming hog Bro is inverted. That was like a palette cleanser for me. I was like, all right. Here we go We got like an old inverted tiness a fucking glistening Mexican hog by then he had pulled on the briefs. Thank God Dude the guy fucking like close talked in the whole time I've never been in the locker room before Barton Springs. Yeah, so I was like imagine that is definitely a Hot spot bro. I kind of put that together. I got there. I want okay Yeah, because the bros were happy in there the bros were in there chipper as could be everyone in there has a Ukraine flag in their front Every single one of them I just I felt so bad to be like this is one of my favorite things to have down here We turn a corner like oh fuck Dude, it was I mean, you know, you like You know, you just fall from being completely bricked up and you're like getting a shower You check yourself in the mirror and you go yeah, pretty much is pretty much is like this all that yeah That's he presented. It was like a flawless flaccid present presentation. I got to give it to the guy It was the best sir. I Believe so I kind of averted my eyes pretty quickly, but I I'm pretty sure I would have registered if it was on sir Cuz that would have been another factor that haunted my fucking dreams Yeah, yeah, I think it was just like a yeah, that was a Corey was like bro. That was like a health class I was in health class. It was just weird dongs all around and the close talking while naked I'll never understand and it was cloth male nude male to one guy was fully clothed just sitting there like yeah, dude So anyway Yeah, you can't do that. No, it was that was that was a shocker. I got out like 65 degree water So I'm like that was that was the big question. We were like how the fuck is that guy? Presenting like that. We just got out of the chilly water They might have just got out of something else true could have been That's what I was thinking about like that'd be so sick to be gay and just be like watching dude swim for an hour You get out everyone's dicks are out. That must be so fucking sick You know I'm saying I'll be like if you swam it was just babes and you just go to get changed You know them if you go in the locker room and you glance there's a there's a chance you get beat to death You know, what do you mean by a homophobic man, right? Right? You know, they had numbers bro scoping dongs They had numbers they do they are running a risk is what I'm saying. Oh for sure for sure down Texas way But in that locker room they're safe there. They had absolute numbers if I had been like what the fuck I would have gotten probably slapped to death That's by a thousand You died by sissy that was fun. That was that was still though. That was a funny moment Mexican sissy beat I would have came back just fucking mushroom tatted up just whip me with his giant hug Had a pretty nurse my mushroom tats Sure, dude the tip of the the Glock be too big she'd like did you get slapped by a Glock? I'm like, dude. He was kind of bricked. It was actually I Did he whip you if he was bricked like it just settled I swear to God just settled brought his hips with him The dick gods just pulled the bone out of it fucking There are but there are some big fish down there though in the barn Creek. I have my goggles on I was down Oh, yeah, so jealous of everyone bro. I had the gogs and I was dude There was like four or five big fish down there. I was very pumped You should start fishing down there and get a beat up by the sissy's all the cities would fuck you up the sissies and the yeah They you they would stay would scream at you also dudes people just swim into you If you're not like doing like full laps and just kind of like chilling in the water We got like literally swam into by a guy just bulldoze right in He was like and I didn't say anything and then the dude Kory was like goddamn what the hell and he's like well I'm sorry about that and just kept kept going his back stroking just Right into him I don't like that. I should have caught a ride. I should have jumped on him But yeah Barton Springs is I think it's the best place fucking rules all things considered I'll just drive home my wet bathing suit next time Yeah, you have to yeah, that's why didn't when it was like chilly. I was like, you know, let me let me be considerate I don't want to sign a guy up to be chilly and wet I didn't feel like that would be a very hospitable thing to do being chilly and wet sucks Yeah, I do it I do the cold plunge at my gym and then I just drive home. I've been doing natural reheat. No sauna You just get out. Yeah, and just fucking head back and I drive when I use that's why I always bring it feels really good I'm always cold for like the rest of the day. You're cold for a while Yeah, if you do it all the time your body like I now I would get so cold that I'd be actually scared I would drive and be like dude for real. I'm like, I'm getting lightheaded. This is fucked up your body adapts quick Now I can just kind of drive home. No big deal, but it's like that's why I was like I don't want to sign someone up because I did a lot of wet cold drives home So I'm like I can't put that on somebody not a fucking civilian in terms of this cold water game. No I'm back to civilian status. You got you'll get it right back. No, I gotta get in there I couldn't even get my pool yesterday It's too chilly. Are you serious? Yeah, I mean, I've lost my That'll put some lead in your pencil. I need it. I don't put some lead in your begin that cold water, bro That'll put some lead that puts some number two graphite right back in the pencil. I'm back to drinking though Excited about that. That's nice. Yeah, as soon as I got back to Austin Yeah, yeah directly back to a terrible schedule No changes. I was so I was like, this is great not drinking so great feel great as soon as I get back You know, I'll go out tonight. Fuck it Austin's fun. It's nice out. It is fun. There's something about the Sun in the summer here It's very hard to not drink. I I still gotta get a boat trip. Yeah excited about that never been I've still I've been on I've been on one it was like shitty and cold Christmas lights. It was a Christmas light. I love it. I bet it'd be nice. I love you put me on the water, bro Change it's very fun. Yeah Yeah, people lose their minds at sea. Yeah, these guys you guys went nuts last time We're at see swimming all of a sudden you thought you could swim you got drunk and confident after one He's gonna die. Yeah, I can't be like for real keep an eye on him because he cannot swim the safety vest though I was like fast. Yeah, still yeah, I didn't like it. I'm gonna be back on board Your ass floats Straight yeah, I was top and bottom boy. It was I was flow it was flawless. What top and bottom boy Think I use that word, right? Something sounds fine I said top and bottom and boy You seem less zesty is that why he's become the king or is he still gonna go to the zesty underworld now? I became a straight king. Yeah, straight King now. It doesn't bother us anymore. He's just super zesty We just let him be And again, I get it you guys have reservations about it. I think it's totally innocent the project I try to give them the black swim club as an idea. I think it'd be you guys could be defying stereotypes It's you too in the pool you bring another black comic over you just chop it up talk about whatever then all three Honestly, that'd be a really cool camera fucking funny-ass podcast. I know man, and they won't do it None of you can million dollar idea. Just try to talk while your doggy battling with your ass in the air. I Think the what can't be it can't lose what we can't lose anybody though. You have white lifeguards Yeah, we will have the whites. No, I don't trust y'all to not watch this drill We're gonna let you drown a little Now we take water very seriously. That's true. I was genuinely concerned for you I had it. We had the we had the big like floating. It wasn't I float in bed, but that floating thing We were safe. We were safe. Yeah, Tommy was teaching us how to swim Tommy was blacked out I know Yeah, you got it fucking swim he's trying to give it a take the life That's off in the middle of the river. I think dude he can't swim He needs to be able to hold on to the boat He's like a little kid though, it's so funny to get him in to try to get him in the water. He's like It was scary into the bruise it did I did it? Yeah No, it's scary. You never know it's in there How how deep do you think that is out there? It's pretty fucking deep No, it's gonna be more than 10. Yeah, bro, okay Oh, you you do have a good good depth finder in your brain. Yeah It was telling you it was about 10 feet. What was uh? Nothing really that's just just fisherman just fisherman's intuition. Yeah, I couldn't feel the bottom So I just guessed 10 feet. We're kind of close to the shore, so okay That makes sense. I get scared when I can't touch the bottom. I think there's not touching the bottom spooky Barton there's parts of the barn. I sort of got must be like 20 feet down there It goes that place goes like it's close to there. Yeah, super far Who knows dude out in the middle of Lake Austin not touching the bottom scary touching the bottom scary too Yeah, you're stepping the fucking like mud and yeah, whatever the fuck that is. Yeah, I got I got I got caught in that like Sea grass Ninja Turtles game for Nintendo the second level when you're the water and there's a fucking electric seagrass is all I can think of I touched it I was like, ah, it is spooky felt it. I was like, oh There's something in there. It's a giant snake Yeah, I was I was thinking of it when the grass hit me all I could think about was water snakes I was like, bro, I get a water moccasin. They'll get you You get by you get a nest man. I'll kill fucking kill you Martin Springs is 18 feet the lake is 75 feet. Okay, Lake Austin. I was close. Yeah Yeah Dang, that's deep as hell. Yeah, I haven't been gone for a while and we still have no steam I mean, you think we'd have a lot of stories we got steam Steam's are we were just steaming? Yeah steaming right along. We were steaming if we never left now We were steaming for like fucking 30 minutes And I mean again apologies for the vibe that really fucked us up. I had like that kind of scared me. Yeah, man For real. I was feeling like the same act like that. I hate when they act up and turn on each other I know it is like walking dogs occasionally they just start fucking biting each other guys What the fuck are you doing that for? You get mad at somebody else like that comics a piece of shit, you know, you're a fucking piece of shit Fuck you Nasty little fuckers. You see the guy who was stuffing balloons in his shirt being a slut Chrissy knows husband. Yeah, I can't I kind of want to give him the benefit of the doubt Was he being funny? Or does he like have a massive no, I think there were so many pictures how many pictures? I've only seen two I do look like he's being funny. I don't know. I thought he's being I haven't looked into it He wasn't he posting them on like a dude site Told me he was posting them on a site. Oh, yeah, this guy this guy's the real deal. He's not just goofing. I mean, that's high I'm taking a funny boob picture. Oh the question you're raising it wasn't goof or goon. I think it was goon All signs are pointing to goon Also, I will say though the way he positioned the balloon knots for nipples you gotta give him credit for that That's a master at work. They're calling it bimbo for case him over case. She is He's late. Yeah, lately the internet's been like a wash and crazy like fetish stuff I I recently came across lifters just muscle guys again, like real horny to lift up women Yeah, I don't think he was goofing at all that's a nice benefit of the doubt though You gotta if somebody's taking jugs pictures you go there's not because it's the pink spandex Exactly what did it? Yeah, I saw the full photo where he's wearing Those look like those bouncy fake tits and not just like balloons they are yeah, it's I'm saying he was a I mean he get balloons to look like that was like damn that's kind of you know how many times I try to make balloons look like big fat I'm goofing Kid if I got my hands on balloons. Yes, but that's a thing if you're you know, you were on the fucking I think of that Making you horny I mean you that's max. What is that that makes you horny but massive jobs and yoga pants on and taking a very serious Almost mugshot. I mean to be fair though. Here's the thing in you know, let's play devil's advocate here Imagine if you like, you know, you're like, I don't feel like all the porn videos are kind of tapped I've seen most of them already you put the balloons in you put your wife's yoga pants on And then you did duck face to yourself in the mirror and all of a sudden you're like Now you're with you're with a babe you've never been closer to a babe so look I look not my cup of tea personally, but It's one of those things you can't knock it to you try it. That's all I'm saying He's not goofing he's got the nipples offset. That's goofing. He's probably fucking fapping himself silly No, hard to keep those things straight true Knocked around from the fat That is I mean you got it like you were saying that's such a tough Jones to be like fuck this is so hot I can't stop doing this. It's time to take pictures. I mean, that's the other thing too. It's like What why are they is I would imagine is the left reveling in this? Yeah, why don't they just accept him as Being like yeah, that's his kink. He was fucking because they assume he's homophobic I'm a phobic, so whenever that happened you go. What if that's also his kink? I Agree like you'll never do son of mine Your son's the opposite of whatever you are. I want my son to be straight as hell I'm gonna be fucking. I'm gonna be the gayest fucking guy you've ever seen in your life. Yeah I Busted bro, and it wasn't a I don't know. I saw somewhere in the article. There was some sort of like intelligence involved Some intelligence received that photo, so I didn't know if that was like a hack job or you know, that was with like an escort or something Crazy, I mean I'm sure Intelligence is monitoring. Yeah her shit. Yeah, like is yeah, yeah, that's yeah if you're in high-level politics I'm sorry. You just can't get escorts You just got a solo bimbo fi and just lay low That was true. He could have been Doing what was best for his family and their political career like instead of getting a hooker. It'll be like I'll be my own hooker I'm not gonna try to sully this family's good name. Yeah, I'm gonna take a picture But then he probably got so horny sent the picture to a hooker. It's like fuck I'm sorry. I tried my best look I get it man. You come off the show you're hot He's probably at the political rally. He was hot goes to a quiet hotel room. We've all been there. Yeah Yeah, I'm not watching a movie with commercials Balloons in my shirt He's just waiting outside the party city. It's 945 How were these sir is like Yeah, they're all right Let me see those balloon knots. Yeah, they're nice I need a triple XL t-shirt I don't know. I'm not mad at the guy personally He got caught up. He got caught up. He was good and let him live man Let him live. I mean, it's you know, what is his exact position anyway, doggy He's a husband of a politician Yeah, he's just a house husband I guess Let him fuck you let him go. He's horny house. Yeah, he's not he's bored all day. He's waiting for her to come home Yeah, yeah, it's trying stuff out. He's taking pills Yeah, they'll be back him so much now. It's time to jack off. I Wonder though if that's like a weird side effect of like TRT, you just like a horny house husband. Yeah, I've been FIFA and jacked off for like three years I'd go to the lizard lounge once a week I'm gonna be something in comedy just watch Just playing FIFA Completely spent three three days or what are you doing the three of days man? You feel it just completely zaps three days is crazy Three days that's you go to bed shameful. Yeah. Yeah, yeah three days. Well, definitely these how many how many the gooner cave catch did I Know you were hitting two days On you I've been chilling really I've been trying not to beat off as much. Yeah, I'm a yeah once every couple days now, okay Yeah, it's back to all yeah You don't believe me no one believes you why not? Tell the truth There's no the curtains don't come down. No one's been here better. It's my nature's out here They're gathering around it's like an opposite of a zoo Animals are watching you that's how fucking dirty that room is There was a lizard did sneak in there I had to get it out Oh, Lizard got in your trash room When it was yours at night time you started jerking the lizard Why don't I feel anything Dude, I don't do it on the way over here. I totally forgot about this I was passing like a McDonald's I was up north and I saw a lady you know classic outdoor lady whacked out on drugs pants fully down She was bent over just like fingers in her butt I think it was an itch, but it was like she was digging so hard that I saw her head tilt back Then I was like fucking You have trials I gotta turn my head forward of the road This is and a guy walk like it was just like walking by her on the street didn't you just like Tunnel vision. Yeah, you can't walk past. I was like, yeah, I did what else can you do? I mean turn around go the other way Or I'm not supposed to be outside today. Yeah, I Knocked that off, but then it's like you got off you're gonna risk that Butt-hands come back you risk in a butthand slap worst case scenario a little mandible claw Yeah, what'd you say to me? I was a meaty gal was a meaty gal too. Is it? Oh, that was a big meaty, but I saw it from like three stop lights back I said is that a fucking giant naked butt and I pulled up and I was like, oh, she's digging in She's digging in It was wild dude like full hand action bare butt What I saw it was full pull the cheeks apart red eye and the hand is like when it went to work And I was like, you know what the furs in front of Mickey deez right in front of Mickey deez. She's having it her way I was on the phone with bud and we were just chatting I was like dude time out I just watched a lady just absolutely like pale all claw her ass It was full. It was full fingers all fingers but scratch The cheek spread was crazy. I mean bro. Imagine Imagine that we've all been walking down the street man Like I'd give anything to it's my butthole right now hands down and you go fuck it I got nothing else five fingernails at once must have been bliss. Yeah, I Actually, I was Paul's for a second. I'm gonna go to the bathroom I Tommy's fiance came over to help me clean all my stuff out my closet because I'll never do that It's very nice of her. Yeah, and there's so many jerseys from all the shows They always give you a jersey with your name on yeah, which I'll never wear It's thinking about giving them all the bombs Could have like 50 bums wearing like authentic Buffalo Sabres jerseys with Gillis on the back of it That's really nice, right? Wouldn't that be sick? Yeah, that'd be awesome because they're nice jerseys Yeah, just big baggy fucking hockey jerseys on homeless guys. Yeah, it's perfect time 107 degrees They would literally love nothing more than a very heavy hockey jersey for 107 degrees Think that's the move. I think it is still see some guy in a T wolves Gillis jersey Jacking off you know fucking right man I Don't this guy break into my car recently. What are you doing there? That's the question bro. Nothing's gone I was for real worried. He beat off in my car probably that's over That's probably what I'm thinking about ripping out. That's why I want the waterproof interior in my car Bum broke into your car. It was just like the door either goes around he pops the handles So my I guess I forgot to lock my car and he just fucking came in Because all the shit was spilled out of my glove box and the center console was popped out I'm like, I'm a fucking animal. What the hell is that? I was like has a bum bum Goddamn bum was in my car and I could smell him too So we're like but the funny thing was I just I like ran in the morning So I kind of stunk and I had a moment where I was like that might just be me You might smell like a bum, but then I then I was like no that's bum But then I was smelling me too and I was getting both smells the bum is strong. It reminds me of Like you know how when it rains Worms come out on the side. I always thought worms smelled like that And then I was just like, oh, it's the rain. It's just that's what rain smells like I'm an idiot But that is the same thing though when you walk down six year in the summer. Yeah I bet that's just what the street smells like but then you're like, I think that's what bum smell. No, it's primal man It was primal man They there actually I think is a smell called like the homeless the homeless smell bum It's like a problem when you're trying to like reintroduce a homeless guy in a society There's a thing called the homeless smell that you have to like somehow get rid of because you you start to fucking wreak Be out in the sun all day every day Did you smell so bad? I smelled it. It was in my car. He stunk my car. He was in there for maybe five minutes my car Yeah, but if he beats it's over if a homeless guy cracked one in the CRB Yeah, cuz I was like I'd have to call and get it detailed, but then I'd have to tell the I'm not gonna do that to a Detailed guy. We're like, yeah, just clean it up man. There's some bum semen in there So how's a pause load that is a very pause load you got a pause load in the whip and then it gets dry And it turns like this load and turns the dust turns into something else you could inhale that That's I'm saying like a son mixed with it. Ah fuck Yeah, I'm worried about I'm I still like I like cautiously looked around for any kind of glisten But I don't think I think you just like chilled in my car I don't know. I'm like trying to think like what did he take my phone charger still there You think that's prime bum I'd escape board. You think you would take my skate? You literally took nothing out of my car. It's capable of you sick. Yeah, you'd be a cool ass bum I have one of those things where you can emergency break the glass. I don't know. I got bugged out on the Thought of like my car submerge. I got one of those. You have one. I had one. Yeah, I'm very excited about it I ordered off Amazon. Yeah, you so you know the protocol for if your car if you get submerged in water How do you know lower the windows a little to let some water in or some shit dead? No chance. I'm dead, dude You're dead. No chance lower the windows. You're that's crazy crack the windows a little no no no no no It's SWAK protocol, bro Seat belts immediately off well, of course you take your seatbelt rear window because you know why the motor brings the car down So your nose is gonna start sinking first and they're designed so that the back windows are gonna float And you think you can kick it out. Guess again, you have to have your tool You gotta punch it and then you start getting the kids out then you get out and that's it Then you have to like swim with your kids after getting the car accident water I think you die honestly. Yeah, you die because well, there was a thing go I get cura emails all the time and I just read them constantly read every year cura cura is like a I think it was like pre-facebook. It's now. It's just boomers get spammed with like shit They kind of make some kind of like clickbait, but cure you can ask questions So like ask cheese, but you have people be like was Jesus. I know here Yeah, was Jesus really Jewish and like boomers just fight each other for nine million comments Like that was the one the guy was like if you ever get into if you fall into water This is what you do and apparently I looked it up and it was like no That's actually the worst possible thing you can do So it's just there's a thing that goes around that just get people to click it So I looked up the real protocol I got so bugged out on it that I ordered like three of those glass smashers. That's nice Yeah, cuz they were like you got to find a window kick it out and I looked it up Or they said no They said take the headrest off your seats and then hit the rear window because that'll still be floating Tell me to crack the windows a little is anyone else heard this rumor a Little bit though. Why would you put the water is this on to start rushing? That's what I assumed is like if it's not sealed you could kind of crack it You have 30 seconds, bro You if your car has like they say like a minute is easier to open the door or something Who knows you're gonna get rushed we're gonna flood you're gonna sink that your whole family Yeah, we're all together guys One of the producers look up that crack them another thing dude, I gotta find out look up SWOC protocol Because I could be I could get wrong. No, I believe I believe the product your protocol sounds exactly rock protocol I'm just wondering why I have this urban myth. I don't know that's I was dude. I was like really bugging out on this Let's look up how exactly you said the thing that that was kind of cool is that dope is racing to the internet true SWOC SWOC can you look up crack in the window because I do want to make sure I'm a There's a lot of bad information going around AI says if your car sinky immediately try to open or roll down the windows before water fills the car If the windows won't open use a dedicated window breaker tool, so let's get the windows. Okay, so maybe that is first line of defense Roll them down, but those doesn't water rush into your car then yeah, but then you can open your door. He's No, but you can't open your door because the water pressure is so heavy It's like it's very won't be water pressure if your windows don't you crack the window. Yeah Interesting I Don't know I'm just not gonna do it. Don't die. Let's go down. I'm just not gonna die But yeah, so well, we'll say we should test it I think myth busters did an episode on this by the way So if you're interested check that out check out MB Patreons gonna rip a child's gonna fucking slash John's gonna go nuts. It's gonna slash. We're gonna conquer the wasp nest. We should do that in between Yeah, let's go conquer that and come back. All right. Goodbye everybody Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane secret podcast on Spotify do it