New Year New Roast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% Welcome to the fourth episode of the Winter Bears. The finale. The finale. Now, very similarly, we have people, the big wigs from YMH, the behind the scenes guys, are all here to try to talk us into doing a show permanently on the network. And what is the answer going to be? The answer is a resounding no. Absolutely not. Chris, you're already looking for houses in Texas. You're ready to move to Austin. You're ready to fucking completely change. You're ready to go. Nah. This has been a great time. I've enjoyed hanging out here in the studio. They have a lot of amenities. They do. They have a whole staff. They do. I'm actually pretty sluggish because I have continued to crush pastries. They have a lot of snacks here. Right. I had way too many croissants. Sure. So I'm bringing 2026. This is 2026 after all, Chris. I'm bringing in sluggish. Yeah. And I'm ready to get home to beautiful New York City. New York City. I'm ready to hold hands with you on our Delta flight back. Dude, I hope. What seat are you, Dino? I'm 5D. I'm 3A. Damn. But we'll still hang. I'll ask my seatmate to switch. Yeah. Yeah, so you and I can sit next to each other. now here's the let's be on you can't even here's the problem you know you know not to start i mean would it be an episode of would it be a run of two bears without talking about the fact that we're in first class and complaining about it yes the one of the downsides of first class you can't as easily secretly suck your friend off sitting next to him because yeah there's real partitions there yes back in the day you could do sneaky gay shit if you're in the back yeah back in the day i was always I always liked being near the bathroom because I thought maybe people – they were the least desirable seats. So if any middle seat is going to be open as a fat person, I would get the one right by the bathroom. And the worst was when it's a full flight and it smells like shit and you're rubbing thighs with another grown man. Yeah. But a lot of times it would work out for me and I would have a whole row to myself and I could get through – by the way, I'm the guy shitting. if someone's shitting in a bat in a airplane it is an insanely fat guy who got way too much popeyes at the fucking at the like food court yeah because once you're in once you know you're flying there's no nutritional law zero rules you cry i fucking i would use even when i was broke i would probably spend more on snacks than even because i used to find the most budget flight i could yeah and then i would go and spend like 40 on haribo gummies and fucking fried chicken and shit i've almost missed flights i've been they've called my name when i've been in line at chick-fil-a and i've just been like come on i need my fucking nuggets and i literally was just fucking running to get it nothing better than watching a fat guy run to his flight yeah one of the best things you could see if you're just like sitting there you know i'm in the terminal just wait and then boom a guy who does not usually run you can tell you're like this guy is about to Like an ACL is on the verge of being just completely popped. My physical therapy degree pops up. I'm like, yeah, I can run over there. Oh, I need a fucking massage, dude. I'll do it up, dude. My shoulders are fucked up. Now, I think, well, what are we going to do when we get there? Are we going to go into the Delta Lounge? They got some nice food and snacks there, all freebies. I have lost my Delta privileges. Wow. Yeah. I'm becoming a man of the people yet again. Well, lucky you. You have a guest? I've only – I've been hardcore with – I've leaned in to Delta. I'm like a freaking – you know what I mean? Delta Special Forces. Yeah. I can get a plus one. So you will be my honored, esteemed guest. Thank you. Wow. Wow. It will be nice to be back as somebody's fucking guest. Yeah. Now, I will tell you that Austin, the flights from Houston to New York City are much – they give you the better planes. They give you the shit-level planes at Delta from Austin to New York. Austin is this bubbling city, but they don't treat it like that in the airport. Houston, they'll give you first class. Houston to New York is Delta One. Lay down beds and all that. This one is not even close to that. It's partitioned off tight spaces. Wow. Now, and also we have no opportunity to fly into LaGuardia. We have to fly into JFK, which is the worst airport. I hate it. I'd rather be in the back of a car with JFK. you'd rather be wiping off viscera and brain matter from your lapels than fucking flying into jfk i i really despise it and it just takes a lot longer to get to your home to my home and i do feel like if we're as you've mentioned if we're going to complain about sitting first class and the privileges that come along with that this is the show to do that this is the platform where you do that it is the perfect two bears uh uh topic to complain about the first class stopping you from doing gay shit yes it's kind of every element of the of the program yes like we're too rich to explore our latent homosexual desires now right which is a problem which is a problem and by the way which won't be able to stay latent for long right you know like i don't know i think i'm past it i think if you had caught me i could have been groomed into a gay lifestyle you know i could have been if somebody if i found somebody some older man who wanted to you know lean me out treat me like his little fuck pig yeah and then make and then make me you know he buy me stuff yeah put me on our exercise regimen when i was broke yeah he might have you know if his dick wasn't too big sure it wasn't too much of a hassle to suck there's a guy there's a guy who's looking up to right now in like his early 20s who sees a lot of himself in you right and you can't you kind of just said that to him and he he he is in he's hoping that happens to me he's well no he's hoping that that happens for him that's what i'm saying right and so what he's saying to himself is okay so what i could see him eventually getting in line with tim dylan right tim dylan what i just described is what tim is looking for is exactly you know it'd be hilarious if tim started if you seen behind the candelabra where uh liberaci makes all his boyfriends look exactly like him what if tim took all these fucking twinks and started feeding them till they got fat as shit and like forced them to look exactly like him so you can fuck a carbon yeah made them smoke cigarettes so they'd get a gravelly voice they're all wearing balenciaga yeah huge sunglasses he just has a fucking he has an army of like fat guys and fucking designer sunglasses who he fucks in the ass yeah but no i think i think tim's tastes are to the twinkish side yes they are yes they are too twink so we're not we're not necessarily his type but you don't think you could have ever been uh uh convinced to be uh gay man's play sexual play toy i mean dude i mean what do you that that's that's foundational catholicism so i mean this this is what the this is what the beginning years are right right so no i don't think i think that for me the gay You take the body of the Lord? Yeah. You put your tongue out? Daddy? Yeah. Give me a morsel of your body, Daddy. Just on my knees, tongue open. You're like, sir, you don't have to do that. The first time you take communion, you try to get it on all fours. Yeah. Dude, you know what sucks about Catholic Church now? They don't give anyone the wine anymore since COVID. You can't drink the blood of Christ. Just the body. No, you can't drink the blood of Christ. Just the jizz, not the blood. That's why, yeah, dude, that's why now we have to just take the blood of… Greek Orthodox, because I haven't had communion in a while. I've become a heathen. Sure. But I did grow up in the church, and they would make you, like, it was one spoon, and they would put a little bread and a little wine in there, and everyone eats off the same spoon. And the priest would have a little cloth and wipe it off, but germs don't work. And then I was like, because you have to often follow a fucked up looking old, because people who love communion are the old, the elder. Yeah, yeah. And you would have to follow a really fucked up mouth. Just a dirty old mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking shitty dentures. Like a frontier mouth. Yeah. An Oregon Trail mouth. Yeah, yeah. I don't want that. The Kalamata Trail. And I asked my mom, I was like, what the fuck? I don't want to. This lady's germs are on it. She was like, God disinfects it with his powers. Yeah. Come on. So God is down there zapping every fucking communion spoon in between. He would be pretty busy. Yeah, dude. When I went to Catholic School my whole life, they would say, like, you know, we would study for the test, and then they would say, but the most important part of it is you just pray to God to give you the answers. So I was just getting a 10 on my SATs. Yeah, yeah, but I'm praying. I'm praying, yeah. You're not praying hard enough, of course. God answer your prayers. You're in Nassau Community College. There you go. Now, it's New Year's Eve. It's time to think about New Year's resolutions. Sure. You know, goals for the year. Mine, go ahead. Well, I had a New Year's resolution last year to not cancel any comedy shows, to stay committed to what I say I'm going to do. And then I canceled the last quarter of all my shows this year. I just said, nope, I'm not going. I canceled Seattle, Vancouver, Portland. Wow. And I love, shout out to Pacific Northwest. Great comedy town. Great comedy town. Shout out all those people. Shout out to people of Columbus, Ohio that I canceled on. I have no problems with any of these towns. I love these towns. I just got to a point where I said I can't – I just don't want to leave the family anymore. I don't want to be multiple time zones away. It feels too far. I am now on a quest in 2026, 2027 to do shows just primarily in the original 13 colonies is what I've thought of as this would work for me if I'm on the eastern seaboard. So if you're in one of the original 13, there's a high chance I'm coming to you. I hope you'll come see me. And I don't mean to neglect the other parts of the country, but just mentally with my family, I just feel like I'm too far away and it's not good for me, my mental state. So I'm looking to stay home. Okay, that's beautiful. A lot of jokes about the Atlantic Ocean. Sure. You know, a lot of regional stuff. Founding father material, you know, all that stuff, dude. Start shitting on the Algonquins. The Iroquois. Yeah, how fucking, how gullible they were. Who gave us who traded Manhattan? The Lenape. The Lenape. The Lenape. And the only reason I know that is because I watch Colin Quinn's New York history. That's how all of Brooklyn learns about history is through Colin Quinn's one-man shows and him on Weekend Update. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, in the 90s. Of course. He was our hero. Of course. That was the closest you got to actual news. Yes. It was just Colin Quinn, a guy from the city, being on Weekend Update. That's it. When I was a kid, I was actually pissed. I didn't like Colin Quinn when I was a kid. What, because you hated New York type thing? I don't know. He was more about jokes than I was a dumbass little kid. What year was he? Was he right after Norm? Yeah, like 96, 97. You know what's so funny? I loved Norm even though I was a kid. Yeah. And his is a very dry style. But my first SNL that I loved was like that. All those guys that got fired was like Sandler. Oh, sure. You know, Sandler, Farley. Yes. norm all that stuff yeah and i only watch it because my mother was a waitress at a greek restaurant and she would come home with leftover lamb chops and calamari and so i you'd wake up for that i would no i would stay up pat like i would watch snl yeah like i'll be i was like fucking seven like we're talking this is like the mid 90s when those guys were on snl i was literally six and seven years old yeah and i was staying up the promise of calamari or lamb chop actually gave me a gave me an education in comedy. Fellas, you already know what time it is. It's time to level up. And Blue Chew just dropped something crazy. I'm talking next level championship belt gold-plated energy. Blue Chew Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable ED brand. This is the four-in-one beast that's setting the gold standard for performance. 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Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required. NBA League Pass auto renews until cancelled. Additional terms at dkng.co slash audio. Limited time offer. Starting a business can be overwhelming. You're juggling multiple roles, designer, marketer, logistics manager, all while bringing your vision to life. Shopify helps millions of business sell online. Build fast with templates and AI descriptions and photos, inventory and shipping. Sign up for your one euro per month trial and start selling today at shopify.nl. That's shopify.nl. It's time to see what you can accomplish with Shopify by your side. But I was not, for whatever reason, my eight-year-old taste did not align with Colin Quinn. Now I'm a huge, he's the man. I love all this stuff. And I also think looking back, those updates are really funny. Oh my God, dude. They're really funny. They're epic. And I think in comedy, you have to have someone that you look up. Here's what's wild. That was our thing, SNL. You have to believe that there are little kids right now who are 10, 11, 12, 13 years old, who they – you're getting them into comedy. That's really funny. Isn't that wild, dude? That's crazy. There's some little kid right now that's like, I stay up for calamari and lamb chops too. I see myself in him. Yeah, he's just watching fucking – he's just on his phone waiting for it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's funny because it's not tethered to any time anymore. No. You can just see comedy whenever you want. Whenever you want, yeah. Yeah, I hope there's some fat little child who's watching who's inspired by my comedy. So I got – so New Year's Eve coming up. I, of course, did the one thing that my family asked me not to do. They've – To work. They have one request, and they said, please, can you just not work for the holidays? It's also, by the way, the worst gig in the world. 1,000 percent. Yeah. So instead, I've done – I'm now doing two shows at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. Great theater. Great theater. Yeah. Of course now my beautiful wife and children have instead of being able to stay in the comfort of our home I now gotten them hotels in the outskirts of Red Bank New Jersey One of the finest tourist districts Red Bank New Jersey They don have any type of nice hotels to wear I swear to God I have them in a Holiday Inn Express Symbolic. Symbolic of what their life with you is going to be like. So now they have to stay. Jasmine has to now put on her finest New Year's Eve gown and stay huddled up. They're not going to come to the shows? Well, I got the little babies. We're going to have the dog with us. So, you know, you're Siberian Husky. So now we're staying in literally two queen beds is the most extravagant I could get for 250 a night is two queen beds and a Holiday Inn Express in the outskirts of New Jersey. And but I have promised that I'm not working New Year's Day and any really that much in January. So we'll do something. But that is going to be my New Year's Eve is is having to slug it out to Count Basie Theater with James Madden and the great Mike Cannon. That's a nice. So that would be good. But my family is – because we did it – I did the Paramount on Long Island two years ago. And it was a good enough time. But Jazz was like, don't do it again. So then I did – I took last year off. And then I immediately forgot what she said. Right. I booked myself. I booked the show on New Year's Eve, January of this year. So I booked it a year in advance. So I was like, I'm immediately – I'm making sure to go against your wishes. Yes. Actually, the first thing I do this year is make my wife mad. Yes. Or my not-yet-wife. Not-yet-wife. But she's told me, though, that she wants to – she wants me to start saying it publicly, so I start to get my mind to the idea like this is what's happening. And she also was like, we've been together long enough. It's kind of weird for you to say my girlfriend. It is. It is. It starts to become very trashy at a certain point. Yes. To be – when you have multiple – when your kids are like – have like – are starting to form political opinions and you still call the woman that you had them with your girlfriend, that is trash. That is trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you live with her. It would be one thing if you guys were divorced or were co-parents. You are in a – Her name is on the deed. Yeah. You're in a committed relationship. You have a child who is like 10 years old. Yes. And you're like, my chick. Yeah. I mean my chick. My girl. My child is filling out college applications. I'm like, ask my girlfriend what she thinks. Now, I've done two regrettable things here. Okay. Hit me with them. New Year's Eve show, Red Bank, New Jersey. also I just sometimes you just can't get away from New Jersey can't get away from the roots I said yes after multiple asks of me saying no no but then finally just wore me down okay I am now doing I am now roasting the cast of the Jersey Shore in the state of New Jersey at the Borgata or the hard rock in Atlantic City a thousand people in their arena I am now I've never roasted in my life i have no idea what to do or say and i said and i said yes because they offered me just enough money and a free weekend stay at the hard rock wow so that's your family coming to that jasmine is okay but yeah so she was like that and but even that i'm like come on babe we'll go on a vacation she's like it's atlantic city that's what she said she's like you know chris like when are when are you gonna understand that like a vacation in atlantic city isn't a vacation for me like you Also, what, in fucking December, January? Yeah. In the winter, you're going to Atlantic City? Atlantic City, yeah. Disgusting. Disgusting. She's like, you know, like, what about going to Puerto Rico and all that? And I'm like, well, I don't know if they have a comedy club in San Juan. So I couldn't. I'm like that guy. Is somebody going to pay me to make fun of JWoww's plastic surgery in San Juan? I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah, so it's like, what the hell do you want me to do? And she's actually, even that's been a big gripe with her. And I do understand it now where she's like, why does every single vacation we go on, as a family why do you have to do stand-up at the beginning or end of it i'm like because that pays for the trip she's like stop with that every other adult goes away and just goes away yeah no one go no one an accountant doesn't fucking go to a marriott in tuscany and say hey can i do your books and try for a free hotel room yeah they just work before the vacation yeah like that's that is again you being too stupid to understand things you're like well i have to pay for it while I'm there. And it's like, no, dude, you could just do a gig the week before, and you could go to Columbus, right, instead of canceling. You could have just kept Columbus on the books, used that money to pay for Puerto Rico. You know what I'm saying? You see how that works, Chris? You see how we're not in a direct – you think we're in a barter economy still, where you're like, can I tell some jokes for hotel rooms? It's like, no, just give us money. I'm still living in the original 13 Colony mindset, Robson. I'm bartering with the Lenape to get goods and services to get us through the winter here, Jasmine. Do you want to get through the winter? Yeah. I have seven goats for the family. So I'm actually nervous about this Jersey Shore roast because I've never roasted anyone. I've never been – You never did a single roast ever? Zero. And now listen, the guys who crush out – of course, like the Colin Quinns, the Tony Hinchcliffs, the Nicky Glazers, these guys, they're professional roasters. They do it in a way that I marvel at. I just have never been interested in being mean to someone else. Yeah. I mean – It's just not my thing. I get it. I think the roasting stuff is really overrated. Okay. I think like – I miss when it was – because the original roast is fun. It's like your friends who you shit – like I would – the only roast I would be interested in doing is if it was like – if it's like your roast and it's like all our friends. Yeah. And we're all shitting on each other in like a loving way where it's like, yeah, you can make fun of – like I just remember. when when when I first moved to New York, the roast battle was the big thing. Sure. Right. And pretty much you had to get stage time anywhere. You had you the way you worked your way in was to do a roast battle. So I did a couple. And it's like, and I did. OK, I roasted Ian and Nick and Mullen. And they were fun. Those are my friends. That was fun. But then it got to the point where you're just roasting people you don't know. Yeah. And it's just like you just meet up with someone and it's like and then and then you just kind of. All right. Everyone just takes turns telling each other the worst things that ever happened to them yeah and then like so a strange you meet a stranger and they go okay so i got right when i was seven yeah my mom has cancer you could probably get something good out of that yeah uh and and it's like isn't this isn't what comedy is yeah and then it's also like i know them a little bit the cast of the jersey shore and i like them and we get along and it's like now i'm gonna say hateful things about them and probably blow up the relationship yeah yeah just for a stay at the hard rock yeah i'm sure the hotel uh the casino uh Buffet is pretty good too Yeah, that's true But I mean They know what they signed up for That's true For the roast But I don't know I just think it's strange To roast someone you don't You knowing them a little bit Makes it slightly better I think it's weirder now That we just roast people We don't know at all Yeah And sometimes They're all this You just You take a guy out If someone's fat You can make the same jokes About them that you do You know Yeah It's just like Paint by numbers That's all it is Where I prefer When it was like And the great People that are great joke writers can still find a couple ways around that. But I feel like you've got to really know the people for it to be fun. Yeah. Because then it's friends busting each other's balls. Yeah. And also I'm sitting with this feeling. I booked this like a month ago. I'm sitting with this feeling like it's the only thing that's coming up that I'm regretting. And I'm like, I'll do stand-up. I'll do stand-up for people that don't speak English. Of course. And just have fun with it in my own way. And I love doing stand-up. It's the best show you've ever done. Yeah. They like you more. They're like, yeah, this is on our level. Yeah, these ideas are communicated to us. I'm like, dude, I got to do more shows in Bangladesh. But I realized like, oh, I took a gig because I was like, oh, Jersey Shore, sure, I'll do that. And then I realized like there's been a lot of realizations for me in this past year. I'm like, oh, wait a second. I would just immediately say yes to something because it's like you have anxiety about your career is going to go away or something like that. But now I'm trying to be like moving forward. hey, just have some confidence in yourself and your own abilities that you'll be okay either way. You don't have to say yes to every – you don't have to say the majority of things you don't want to do. Just say yes. And so somebody told me, you need to live 2026 like this. And I'm going to tell this to the fans. Remember this, kids. If you remember anything – You know this, folks? It's a thing some guy told Chris that he has not yet put into effect in his life. It's a thing he's planning to do. But listen up. It's a thing. And the friend who told me does live in his car, but he's doing it for his own reasons. he said to me the way you need to leave 2020 live 2026 is this if it ain't a hell yes it's a no wow dude what do you think of that that's beautiful man that's fucking awesome that's a really good bumper sticker yes that's my merch you're such a fucking simpleton it's crazy if it ain't a hell yes it's a no that is being mass printed and being sold in an etsy shop by fucking 48 year old wine mom right 100 they're like who said that it's cabernet o'clock somewhere yeah they're like who said it to you i'm like ricky bobby um i like that my personal tell i actually do have a motto as well it's something that that's it is my uh it's my new year's resolution every year and it's double the bread double the head nice so let's get twice as rich let's get sucked off twice as much and have the numbers have you been doing that no it's unsustainable okay double i started that when i was very broke and it was like make more than eight thousand dollars and get sucked off more than twice and so the first few years i could do it but new year's eve you're just with a prostitute like i gotta hit these numbers yeah well there was one okay there was a there was one new year's where i fucked a girl at a party okay like at 1205 and then i fucked a different girl like at like 1150 and i was briefly on pace to fuck 300 to fuck 725 or whatever 365 times two is yeah you know what i mean so there was there was one day where there was one year where for one day i was on pace pace to fuck over 700 women and i ended up i think like four you know but but briefly i was like wow wow dude this is something yeah i go to Japanese, 1% better each day. 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But I still like there's something about shooting the moon with double the bread, double the head that keeps you focused. Shooting for the stars, baby. Now, let me just because it's you, obviously, respected comic. Can I read some of these? Please. I would love to. Yes, let's get into. Yeah, I was going to ask, what are your angles? Yes. Now, obviously, you know, the angle that I want to take is to kind of be the guy that's like, look, I don't want to be here either type thing. I'm not a roaster. Like kind of take the approach like this is like I don't like that. I don't like being a half measure guy. Either you do it or you don't. But I'm going to be a little respectful. You're saying you respect their – you're like as fellow intellectuals, I don't want to be roasting you. Yeah. So it's more like I want to say something like – like where is it? Like, you know, like look, dude, like I don't – you know, I respect you guys. This is bad, but I got to be honest with you. I mean this is a bigger slap in the face to my heritage than if I did an Olive Garden commercial. That's not bad. Not bad? I like that. Okay. Then I say Vinny Guadagnino is here. Vinny Guadagnino is doing stand-up comedy now. uh walk up to the businessman uh gtl used to stand for gym tan laundry now it stands for got two or three laughs i don't know about that okay that one's out got two or three laughs that's not gtl got g got two or three gtotl yeah that's not gtl that's gtotl maybe i can put that Maybe that's not even right. Damn. Two or three left. And then I'll say... Making fun of him for doing stand-up is like... Go down that angle. That's a good one, because that is pathetic. For years, you were the one who had the most dignity, and now you're doing stand-up. Now you're doing stand-up, yeah. I feel like he always was on his high horse, that he used to pretend he was the best one of them. And it's like, whenever you do stand-up comedy, whenever you start stand-up in your 40s, you either just committed or you have tax issues. There's no other thing. Well, that's what I was going to say. I was like, and Mike, the situation, GTL means Grand Theft Auto Tax Evasion Lawyers. Again, you don't understand how acronyms work. You keep adding things to GTL. grand theft auto tax evasion maybe that's the angle i'll just keep saying like shit that doesn't make sense g-t-a-t-l yeah it doesn't make sense i'll do that um all right then i'll make fun of mtv i said guys i'm a millennial i remember pre-internet when m what mtv was really for masturbating to rap videos and trying to finish while one of the dancers was on screen i like that not bad that is my experience right it needs a little bit more the what were some of your favorite videos to jack off to yeah like um one that comes to mind immediately for me is the pd pablo uh how you like it daddy yeah remember that one yeah how you like it daddy fuck there's that girl in the blue i actually follow her to this day on instagram yeah uh jack jerk off to the biggie smalls uh videos i um uh was it when he's dancing in the mansion one more chance maybe I forgot that. This is our generation. We're slightly different ages. Right. I listen to a lot of Biggie's music. I never caught the videos. I was much more in the – I jacked off the Britney Spears videos. I jacked off to, like I said, Petey Pablo. Yeah, Drew Hill, the Thong – Cisco's the Thong song. From Baltimore. Yeah. So I have some real pride in that. It was very funny because I was in third grade when the Thong song came out. And our people were proud, but it was the Thong song. Right. I think that – what was the Kidz Bop version of the Thong song? Can you guys look that up? There was one that they played in our school. Really? Yeah. All right. While you look it up, what about this one? But listen, you guys all did pretty great. I mean, great careers, families, product lines. Meanwhile, Britney Spears is in an empty mansion covered in dog shit trying to stab ghosts in her underwear. Where is Britney coming? I don't know. Also, they're not doing better than Britney Spears. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what do you think of that? Why Brittany, bro? Yes Just get her in there This is good for you You need to feel this Ronnie looks like a sun garlic knot I like that There we go There we go Let get back to basics Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Snooki, some Oompa Loompa. Right. She's not even Italian. She's adopted. Yeah. Go that angle. It's something about her family, the one Italian family, you know, not racist. The adopted. She's not even Italian. She's Latino. That's why ICE is here. No? Okay. First idea. The first idea is not often the best, but you're getting the ball rolling. Something Latino. Yeah. I mean, we could shit on Vinny for doing stand-up. Absolutely. That's a big one. DJ Paulie D. Yeah. You know, what else do we got? I got, yeah, see, I mean, I've wrote some real, you know, a few stinkers. Are any of them, or whatever happened, is Ronnie still, who's he, are they together still? Is anybody dating? No, Sammy is the one that. Not there? Like, got away. Like she's the one that got out. She's not a part of it. Okay. So that she's good. Yeah. So you could take a tact of either shitting on her or saying how she's the only one who escaped. Or I should just cancel it. Yeah. From what I've heard so far, I would cancel. At this point, actually, can I get out of it? Yeah, hopefully. Like is there a way? Is there a way at this point? What would you do if you were me? You don't want to do it. You're now realizing you don't. Cancel 100%. But your name has been billed. I didn't sign a contract yet. Okay. Or maybe I did actually. I mean it's not my problem. What would I do? I would probably just hire writers to get out of this. Right. I would just be like, all right, I'm doing the gig. Pay somebody fucking 10 grand who's good at this shit. Yeah. To pay some real money for some good writers and just get some banger jokes. We could even workshop some stuff if it wasn't sprung on me. I could have maybe wrote you some jokes. Helped you some – Off the top of my head, I would talk about, you know, classic steroids. Yeah. You know, like the situation, what's up with the situation's face. Yeah. He's this, you know, the, uh, maybe he was too, the situation had so much plastic surgery, it wouldn't even put him in jail. Right. Maybe something like that. Off the top of my head. He couldn't even get raped in jail. Yeah. Yeah. Something like, like the Jersey Shore has done to New Jersey what COVID did to Wuhan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Things like that. What Israel's doing to Palestine. Yeah. That's what Israel's doing. Yeah. The Jersey Shore did to Italian culture what Israel is doing to Gazan hospitals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. That's good. I don't know if the politics of the room will align with that, but Gazan hospitals. Gazan hospitals, Israel, Jersey Shore, COVID. Yeah, good stuff, man. Yeah. What was the one? Plastic surgery. Couldn't even get wrong. in jail yeah i don't know i would just some i would get something about him being wrong yeah what about dj paulie d's from providence his hair spiked up he's a dj right right um there is something like he for the for a long time was the coolest one of them yes and it's start the clock's even ticking on him yes even he's kind of like getting uh you know like is there a nutrigenics or um oh yeah he's gonna start doing like yeah the nutrigenics cialis commercial yes Something like that. Pauly D. Pauly D. Neugenics. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Neutrogenics. Neugenics for guidos. But is there a way, is there a way, like, how do I make fun of me? Like, how do I make, how do I maintain a sense of likeability and endearing, you know, because in my standup, I'm always making fun of me. Right, right, right. So I can't, so that's like a thing that I. You don't want to come off as like someone superior to them. I mean, something about how you wish you were in Jersey Shore. Yeah. I auditioned, actually. Did you for real? Yeah. That's funny right there. Yeah, I actually – You're like, I couldn't even – you're like, here's how bad my career is going. I auditioned for Jersey Shore. Yeah. I wish I was getting roasted by one – I wish one of you – I wish Vinny was the shitty comic roasting me instead of – Yeah. Instead of me being the shitty comic roasting him or something like that. I don't know. Something like that. But I probably – I could just – You could talk about how much better – what your Jersey Shore experience used to be. Right. These guys used to be the kings of the Jersey Shore. I would go there, shit my pants, whatever. I couldn't get hard. Yeah, you guys made all this money and did all this great work off the Jersey Shore. And I used to go to the Jersey Shore and do Souljoles Comedy Club. Yeah, something like that. I would bomb much like I'm bombing here, that good stuff. Yeah, and then something. But I know what you mean. What tone? Because you want to be loving. Well, here's the problem, too. Here's what it is. is this thing. They have like Rachel Feinstein is on it and a couple other comics, but they have this build. This went out. The marketing of this went out. The Jersey Shore roast featuring Chris DiStefano. So I'm the last one up, and it's this whole thing where like Vinny's coming in like, okay, you guys thought that was good. Wait, now I'm bringing in the closer, and it's me. You have to pretend you got some kind of disease. You think I have to get out of it now? I would try and get out of it. You're the last guy? The last – I mean, you know. Who else is on it? Rachel? All I know is Rachel Feinstein and like Eric D'Alessandro is the only one I know. You're in literally the worst spot you could possibly be. Yeah, this is actually not – yeah, look, what is it? You're the only person advertised on this. So along with more surprise guests. Comedy star. And don't miss a very special performance from comedy star Chris Stefano. I mean, could I – I mean, listen, dude. But at the end of the day, I mean we could do it – I'm in control here. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to do it. But the question is should I just do it? Yeah, I would just work a lot harder on it than what you have so far. Unfortunately, you said yes. You can't back out of it now. But what I could do – here's the thing. I've never asked. I've never been the guy – you and I have been friends a long time. I've never asked you to promote anything for me. Yeah, right. I've never – so could I go into my friend group, you, Sam Morrill, Mark Norman, heavy hitters, Colin Quinn, and say, guys, Colin Quinn definitely not. I just need some help. Could you imagine texting Colin? Hey, Colin, I'm in a real tight jam. I'm writing – I can't figure out jokes to roast the Jersey Shore with. Can you help me? Yeah. One of the fucking best comics. Yeah, ever. Who's doing like historical one-man plays? You're like, I need jokes about steroids and botched plastic surgery. I'm too stupid to come up with him. Can you help me? Can you imagine what he would say to you if he'd be texting him? Yeah, he would be infuriated. But I think you could definitely ask, but you should also go to the people that like – because here's the other thing. Here's another reason I don't really like these roasts. It's everyone hires writers. Right. It's not genuine. Right. It's like it's who has the better relationship with writers. And so I – you could go to people who have been – like what I would do is just – if I were in your position, I would just get writers because this is – If you do these shows, you kind of have to get writers. You write your own stuff, obviously, but go to the best. Mike Lawrence did it for years. JP McDade, you should honestly hire JP. Zach Amico. Zach Amico. But I'm telling you, JP – I mean you might not be able to get it because JP is probably writing for the Golden Globes right now. But you should go to some of the – and at least get a little brainstorming session going. Something. Unfortunately, this is not one you can wing. you're gonna because if it was stand-up if they said hey go out there and do seven minutes stand-up i know what i'm doing yeah i have sets based on that i can jump to the crowd but this is your behind the podium you have they're expecting roast roast so i and going last all the all the low-hanging fruit has been taken early yeah like the best spot to go in a roast is like second or third or fourth yeah like right in the middle but when people aren't too tired someone goes first they get the worst spot and it almost feels like if you're going to be the last guy on the roast like who they wanted like you need to get someone like a jeff ross like someone who really wanted jeff ross and they could not they couldn't they couldn't get him and then yeah and then schultz didn't answer them and then yes there was definitely a list your first my first uh red flag on why i should have said no to this is the initial offer came from dino who owns a club called uncle vinnie's in point pleasant new jersey so that is the first problem when dino from vinnie's reaches out the club where they threw a fucking beer can at ariel Elias for voting for Biden. Yes, she said, I voted for Biden. And they threw a full beer can at her head. Yes, yes. And that's the guy who said, we need DiStefano. And I said, you know, I'm here for you, Dino, baby. Honestly, good club. Great club, great pasta. Yeah. But there is a point now where I've reached, we are now very close. And it is at the point now where, do I just say, I'm not doing it. I feel like it is too late. Do I just say at this point, do I need – what is this going to do for my career other than make it worse? Yeah. I mean, no, no. You are in a no-win situation, and now all you can do is not lose. Right. That's basically what it's come down to. So don't embarrass yourself. But your point is – Because they're probably going to tape this for the show. Oh, this is going on the show. This is going on MTV's The Jersey Shore. You'll be immortalized. Yeah. Luckily, no one really gives a fuck anymore about The Jersey Shore. But you think at this point – Although I have watched a couple of the reunions because it's very nostalgic. If you're in that age, I think the first season of Jersey Shore before – because afterwards it was kind of spoiled by celebrity. But that first season where no one knew who they were and they were so desperate for fame, but they were their legitimate selves before outside influences forced them to act a little different. One of the best seasons of television ever. Yeah. It's a fascinating social experiment. I love it. I remember it was like fucking appointment. Right. I was in college. Right. And you would just get it was like a perfect pregame show to go out and not get any person whatsoever. Right. Right. But, you know, and since then, it's still interesting to check in on them. It's a little spoiled by fame, the whole thing. But but it is a you know, it still is a show people care about. So it will become best case scenario is you bomb so hard that they just cut the whole thing from the show. Yeah. They're just like, all they show is fucking Vinny. But then I'm contractually obligated to get that money, but then I can just leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So your two options are try hard, hire some writers to help you bounce some ideas, or go full kamikaze. Yeah. Shit your pants on stage. Yo, say so many, do it in blackface so they can't show it on MTV. Interesting. Do it in blackface. Write the N-word across your chest. But with that crowd, they'll be like, that's why we love this guy. My tickets skyrocket. Yeah. dude i i don't yeah i i yeah unfortunately it's just one of these things where i just i i shouldn't have i was convinced by my agent of course convinced i got i got yeah my agent just came in and said this is what it is do it because my initial if i would have been taking the words going into 2026 if it ain't a hell yes it's a no i would not be in this situation so this is Example number one. Example number one. If it ain't a hell yes, it's a no. It's a damn no. Because doing New Year's Eve in Redback, New Jersey, despite my family being upset about it, it's still a hell yes to me. It's a hell yes. It's still a hell yes, so I'm okay with that. Okay, that's fair. It's still a hell yes. It's still a hell yes. Just because of the money, it's easy? Yeah, and my thing is, like, they're going to be mad at me anyway. You know? Might as well make some money. Might as well not even try to make them happy. I'm going to fail anyway. Anyway. Now, that's a winner's attitude. But I do think that this one, this jersey – as a matter of fact, why don't – some of the fans of Two Bears, One K, can you send in some roast jokes for me? Help me out. Oh, fuck. That's so fucking funny. Yeah, I mean it could be – I mean Tom and Bert did it when they roasted the year last year. Right, yeah. So I'm going to – But that's exactly what I mean. It's like I thought that roast was fun and I think it was good to try and do something different. But that's my point about these things being so strange is like, it's like, you don't fucking know Tom Brady. No. You know, you don't fucking know the Jersey Shore. Like, if you were doing the, if we were doing the roast of Joe DeRosa, you know how fun that would be? Oh, it'd be great. Because we're his friend and he's, you know, hideous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all, it's just like, that's why I hate these fucking, you know, that's why I hate these fucking, yeah, I just think these roasts are so, I don't know. I mean who am I to fucking say – I put out crowd work clips which are fucking lowest common denominator stuff. You still just got to do what you got to do. But it's just like – even though I haven't really done them for a year. But I think if you're really good at them – and again, there are people who are really good at crafting very specific roast jokes. But I think for the most part it's like pretty paint by numbers. Like pick what this person is. If they're a woman, call her a whore. You know what I mean? If she had a black boyfriend, be racist. You know what I mean? It's really just the lowest common denominator when you don't have a personal relationship. But at the Jersey Shore, I feel like that will fly. Be racist. Be misogynistic. Be homophobic. So the buckets we can look for is make fun of Vinny Guadagnino for doing stand-up. That's a big one. That's the one. Make fun of JWoww for plastic surgery. I think all of them for plastic surgery. All of them for plastic surgery. Except Vinny. Vinny, to his credit, I think has a natural face. Yeah, natural face. make fun of snooki for being small and uh like you know small and and wanting something about her birth parents and you she's small that were right about uh yeah snooki were her birth parents snooki is really small and she's been excommunicated by the italian culture she's like our dr fauci there's some doctor calling her dr fauci dr fauci your dr fauci oh what do you mean isn't he italian he is italian but he's been excommunicated because he made up covet right Right, right, right, right. I see someone still gets their news from the Staten Island Examiner. The Staten Island Advance. So I'm thinking maybe that's the angle. There's an angle there. DJ Paulie D actually is a very successful DJ. Yeah. Very successful. Paulie is the one who really finessed it the right way. He did well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mike, the situation. How old are you going to be being a fucking – I guess there's old DJs. Yeah. Does he still do his hair the same way? Yes, the hair is the same way that, you know, it's got to – When we look up DJ Paulie D today. Yeah. Let's take a look. I saw, I think, I mean. Yeah. I believe he had a hot girlfriend or wife too. Yeah. DJ Paulie. The hair, yeah. That hair is crazy. How does he keep that up? Yeah. I got to be honest. Even like, you know, seeing these guys, I just, it's almost like I respect them. I respect the show. I don't actually want to be a part of this. Oh, hell yeah. Is that his wife? Hell yeah, dude. Shout out to DJ Paulie D, hot black wife. Oh, gorgeous. Respect. Oh, there you go. there's some jokes right there yeah yeah uh i god why do i get myself into this yeah look up jersey shore now let's look at their faces but you know i gotta get an outfit yeah i mean the situation's face i mean it looks good jay was hot absolutely that's the thing it's like i actually you know oh yeah i also don't want to make fun of girls i know that just doesn't work i mean rodney looks like shit. Jesus fucking Christ. Sun-dried garlic knot is good. Yeah, yeah. That is really good. Ronnie does look... Ronnie looks like a fucking like... Ronnie looks like a... Who's that? Who's that like... I don't know if she's trans or what, but that Italian lady with that husky voice. Big Ange? I think Big... He looks like Big Ange. Who's dead. She looks like... Ronnie looks like Big Ange right now. Here we go. We got one. We got one. Yeah. Ronnie looks like Big Ang with a shape-up. Yeah. Big Ang right there. There's another Italian sort of person who looks like this. There was a clip. There's a clip of them that goes viral. I don't remember what it was. Maybe that's the bit. I come out for seven minutes and I just shit on Ronnie. Yeah. And then I go, the rest of you guys are all right. Yeah. I'm sure they've been arrested. I'm sure Ronnie's been arrested for stuff. Just look up their rap sheets. Look up all this other stuff. Honestly, Snooki has maybe done the best. She's done the best. There's a joke right there. You were the most pathetic one when it started. You actually figured it out. You figured it all out. You done the best out of all of us actually I did love them though That first season was truly truly a legendary season of television So unfortunately, I'm going to have to go on the internet, Google, look stuff up. This is what you'll have to do. Is Angelina looking good these days? I don't know. Angelina does look good. Oh, that bitch. What was her name? Dina. Was she the one who got kicked off? Which one of them was like they came late. They got kicked off and got replaced. I think Dina was a replacement. Dina replaced Angelina? Or for Sammy? Sammy Sweetheart, I believe. And there wasn't there one who was just the front... Sammy Sweetheart actually got out of it and it's just like a regular girl. You're right. Angelina's the one I'm thinking of. Sammy's pretty hot too. Sammy just got out. Sammy Sweetheart got out of the Jersey Shore and now she just looks like a girl who will have sex with her students. a teacher of sex with her students yeah that's good all right something like that yeah i'll figure it out i thought but the thing is i i won't no you won't and you have to fucking hire people to help you yeah that's this might be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you if it goes wrong yeah yeah this is yeah but par for the course we talked about that your whole career has been yeah a series of near near near misses near misses so close so maybe this is Being able to touch the thing and then be like, nope, sorry, Chris. Sammy looks like a teacher who has sex with her students. Folks, you see how we said we were going to do the worst episodes ever? This is a writing session for one of the shittiest comedy shows that anyone's ever going to put on. The Roast of the Jersey Shore at the fucking Borgata. Yeah, and we're making companies put ads on this piece of shit hour. We're going to miss our flight back to New York trying to come up with jokes about how Snooki has chlamydia. Fuck. Yeah, man. Well, I mean, you know what? What are you going to do for New Year's Eve? What's your plans? No shows. No shows. I hate comedy shows. Here's the thing. They often pay really well because it's an event. But no one – I don't want to say this to people listening because we have a lot of comedy fans and I'm a lot of – When you're coming up, New Year's is a really lucrative gig because people pay a lot of money for like a dinner and drinks package or whatever. And they'll go see whatever. But nobody actually wants to be at a comedy show on New Year's Eve. Most people don't. They want to be – they get there and they think it's a fun idea. But it's people who don't really go to comedy shows and not there for the comedy. They think it's like, oh, that guy will do his comedy while we talk and laugh and have fun. They're not there to actually see the show. So you just have to prepare for it to be the worst show of all time. Yeah, and I'm doing two of them. One at eight and one at ten. At least the eight, maybe people will listen. The eight will be good. It will be like pre-gaming for them. The ten will be – you're getting the audience that's coming to that are people who are already legit hammered. And people, by the time I start to get into my closer, they're looking at their watch like, I need to get somewhere to watch the ball drop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get off stage right now. One time I saw – I did see Louie on New Year's Eve in Baltimore back in the day with my college girlfriend. Before his career blew up. Before it was like, Louie, Louie. It was kind of right in the middle of it. Yeah. And it was really funny. He was just looking at his phone, and he was like, all right, it's New Year's. It was kind of fun. Everyone was looking at 11.59. He was like, all right, that's it. And they were like, see ya. And he just literally got off at 12.01. Got off. Yeah. But he killed all before. Killed. Killed. Really, it was cool to fucking see him there. Lyric Theater, was it? It might have been the one bigger than the Lyric. Oh, okay. So like the Meyerhof or some shit. Yeah. So 5,000. The Lyric's pretty big. The Lyric's like 2,500. Yeah. Which I love that place. I'm trying to figure out. I will be going back. We're figuring out the specifics of it. Ooh. A little hint for a little something. Might have something very special planned. Oh. Who knows? Dude. Who knows? You're roasting the Ravens. Yeah. What would you do if that? No, okay. What about this? Diehard Baltimore Ravens fan, what would you do if Harbaugh called you in and was like, I want you to like, the team's in the Super Bowl. I think a roast of them would really get them in good spirits and have fun, loosen them up. Would you do that? I would, and the way I would do it is, like I said, I would just hire writers. But I would also, because if it was going into the Super Bowl, I would lightly shit on them. And then more than anything, I would just make fun of the other teams. Yes. Like, you know what I mean? I would call Ben Roethlisberger a r**k. Yes. I would maybe. Yeah. I would call Deshaun Watson a r**k. Yes. Actually, that's kind of pretty easy to make those jokes about the NFL. Yeah. I call someone else a domestic abuser. Yeah. I would stay away from murder. Yeah. That really wouldn't be a topic I would bring up around the Ravens. Ray Lewis might be sensitive to that. He had his day in court. The American criminal justice system worked the way it needs to. He was acquitted, as was Kevin Spacey. Ray Lewis didn't have to come out of the closet. I loved Kevin Spacey's like, I'm gay now. Yeah. You know what I mean? That was so funny when Kevin Spacey was like, yeah, I'm actually gay, so I guess it's okay that I run people. He's like, no. And then he kept coming back and doing those in-character videos. Those were crazy. He did one for Tim Dillon. Yeah, I mean, Tim is so funny. You got to tip your cap to Tim for employing an out-of-worked. Now, it says, I'm abroad, wrote in a question, said, which of you winter bears is going to do a solo guest bear episode first, and who would be the guest? Oh, so they want us to just fully do the podcast. They want us to take it over, as do the people running the network. The legal team is right outside that door. They're going to chauffeur us to our flight. Well, it's very funny because they don't even want to make eye contact with the producers here. Yes. You know what I mean? They don't even let them. They talk through iPads. Yeah. They're behind a wall. They can't be seen. They don't want to have an actual relationship with them. And by the way, this is a huge operation. If any of the fans ever know, this is a huge thing. They have multiple employees, and they are one ad sponsor away from pulling out where Benson Spoon is getting fired. Where they don't have the money for his salary anymore. Where they will do our idea to start prostituting out Benson Spoon. Yeah, this is going to go from this – went from L.A. to Austin. Now it's in this huge warehouse facility. They have all these beautiful cameras and green screen equipment and all that. And then eventually, little by little, it's going to wind up just as a live show at the mothership. It's going to open for Kill Tony. Yes, that's what it will be. And that will be the glory thing. That will be beautiful. That will be a beautiful thing. Well, I would say one thing, one problem I have with the – if I may do some – we've been the ombudsman. We've talked about how the show is going. I think the problem with two bears when they have a guest bear, never fat. And the whole – and first of all, Tom has betrayed the very idea of the show. And you to a certain extent, even though in your heart you're fat, I'd like you to be fatter too. Yes. If I were to do it, it would have to be someone who is fat as shit. Right. You know, I don't know who, you know, what major, who is out there that merits what obese person. Have they had a woman? Has it always been, have they ever had a, has there ever been a woman on two bears? Miss Pat would be perfect. Miss Pat would be really good. Miss Pat would be really good. I don't want to waste that on two bears. That's a Stavis world. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it can't be too good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need that for my own shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Miss Pat's too good. Miss Pat is great. But somebody like famous that I – because one funny thing about Two Bears is it will be like someone they have no business talking to. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like why is Matthew McConaughey here? Yeah, they need like a fatty like Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family. He would be good. He would be good. Gabriel Inglasius, Fluffy. Great. Fluffy would be good. I love to chop it up with Fluffy. Talk about what – oh, if you think – on the Christmas episode, I talk about my Chinese order. Do you understand how long me and Gabriel Inglasius could go just talking like things we order? Yeah. I bet you we could uninterrupted for one hour list foods. Yes, just keep going. That would actually be fucking awesome. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, well, I mean, Louis C.K., that's a good guest. Oh, Mel Robbins. That's a woman, but I don't know who the fuck that is. The Undertaker. I think she's really famous. I think she has like a – The Undertaker would have been a good episode with Bert. You could just give him some tips on he's going to die soon. On what the afterlife looks like. uh yeah some times gun that's cool but not fat oh fat director guillermo del toro okay that would be really funny me and guillermo del toro talking about fucking pan's labyrinth and shit yeah um yeah not that many look not that many fat people mark normand is like ripped yeah he's not gonna work um but yeah i would say gabriel inglesias for me um because i would i would want i would want to keep the other like they've had stamos on that's a dream stavis world guest i gotta get him on a greek show yeah you know let's get him let's really let's really get him in the zone but again this is we are this is our side job yeah we don't you know this is like when you're dating someone and you actually see people you respect out in public and then you stop holding hands with them real fast right that's how me and chris treat this podcast yes we don't want to be identified as this you know we post what we are contractually obligated to post and not a piece of content more you know like that couple that got caught having an affair on the cold play concert that's us put our face on those people people like i loved you and chris on two bears if they see us which people have actually been very nice but when they see me in public i'm like uh are you sure Me? I think that was H. Foley. Yeah. I think you're thinking of H. Foley. That was H. Foley and Giannis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't us. Now, look, much like the roast to the Jersey Shore, because I'm going to have to roast them and also say nice things about them, because you've got to give respect, respect to them. Of course. What these Tom and Bert have created is pretty insane. Relax, Chris. What they have is pretty dope. It is, but try and do it a little smoother than that. Let's change the topic, and then at the end, let's go back. Obviously, we're friends with Bert and Tom, but don't immediately be like, now it's beautiful. I do love that about Rose, where someone who clearly doesn't have a relationship with someone will be like, you fucked your daughter in the ass. You're a fucking piece of shit. But hey, we love you, big guy. No, you don't. Well, I'm just because I'm now trying to really systematically get out of this Jersey Shore thing, and I'm thinking how I can replace that income is by Spring Bears locking it in now. That's true. That is true. You're already thinking about Spring Bears. And we will be back with even lower – if they'll have us, we'll be back with even lower effort episodes. Oh, dude, you know how bad Spring Bears is going to be? We started in like March. It's just us with allergies. Yeah. Oh, just all flow-nased out, tired from Benadryl, just really trying to just shit through four episodes. I do hope to be – yes, I do hope. That's my New Year's resolution. I'd love to – let's see how far we can push. We should get shittier audio. So we should get shittier audio quality. Sure. We should use shittier cameras. Yeah. We should see how low we can take the form of podcasting. Yeah. That should be like our artistic – Yeah. Like it's performance art. Right. Right. Let's take this medium and really push it to the low. We're not even in the shot. It's just half our heads. I like that. Yeah. We're doing it backwards. Yeah. We're doing it like the IDF takes their fucking – takes their ID pictures. Yeah, like this. I got that for Tom. Didn't you? That Garth Brooks card. Oh, nice. That's nice, Tim. I got it for him as a gift. That's beautiful, man. Oh, shit. Now I just knocked it over. Yeah. What's that Garth Brooks card? Because, you know, he's got like the thing with Garth Brooks. I know, but what's the card? He played baseball? Oh, the card is Garth Brooks played like in a celebrity baseball game, and I got it in embroidered. It says Garth G. Brooks, 300 bodies, Tulsa, Oklahoma. Yeah. I'm surprised. Did Garth sue Tom for that? I mean, I'm sure they're in an active lawsuit, I'd imagine. Yeah, probably. Yeah, I'd imagine that these suits. That's why Tom doesn't ever come back to his house. Yeah. He doesn't want to get served papers by Garth Brooks. By Garth Brooks. Could you imagine? He's just fucking fleeing. That would actually be the – that should be our guest on Two Bears, One Kid, with Garth Brooks on – That would be awesome. He's fat, and he just serves a dual purpose. That is the answer to your question, I'm abroad, is the guest would be Garth Brooks. Garth Brooks. That is the guest. That is a good one. That is the guest. Bring him in. That is. And then what else do we got here? Does the booth have any final New Year's thought they want us to do? Well, here's a question from Johnny Wee. When I was a kid, I always wanted an AR-15 for Christmas. I unfortunately never got it because I was deemed mentally unfit to stand trial. What was the one childhood Christmas gift you always wanted but never got? Right. You can tell you didn't even pre-read that because we talked about that last episode. Yes. And it's about Christmas. So there you go. So you kind of blew it there. So there you go. I literally asked you. You had no good answer. That actually might have been the dead spot of the last episode. Right. You actually rehashed a topic of discussion that nothing funny came out of. Right, and that's the kind of work you'll see at the Jersey Shore roast. Yeah. And you know what, Chris? I salute you because that's the perfect way to end our tenure for Winter Bears is an unfunny, retreaded joke. Yeah. My best one was a GameCube, though. I never answered on Christmas. Okay. When the GameCube, I was pretty late. I was pretty, I was older, but it was like me and my brothers, we've never bonded more than we got that GameCube playing Star Fox and shit. It was a fucking good time. That's it. I am excited about 2026. Good. I do, as much as I make fun of your hell yes or no, how trite and that's the most like a woman who's been in a sexless marriage for 30 years. and she's embroidering that on a throw pillow as we speak. By the way, that is how I will end the Jersey Shore roast, is that quote. I love that when someone is bombing and they try and pretend they're doing an inspirational speech. But anyway, guys, stay up. You guys are the best, man, and I love you so much. And remember, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. Try to get the audience to say it with you. Nobody says it, it's just the mic hits the speaker. It's like, yeah, yeah. I'm excited for 2026. I, you know, hopefully Tom and Bert keep not caring about this show and keep asking us to come in and fill in some time. Yeah, we'll be here for spring bears and then summer bears again. Finger fingers crossed, fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. We'll be here. But we love you. Thank you for allowing us to be your substitute teachers for these four weeks. We really, really rolled out. we really brought out the fucking TV with the cart. Yes. The roll cart and we just played Fern Gully. And we called that, that was for, because we're a substitute teaching like environmental science and we just play a cartoon about fucking pollution. Captain Planet, he's our hero. Yeah. We will talk to you guys. Hey, who knows? Come see us on the road. Buy the calendar. We have the Stavis world. Oh, the Stavis baby. There it is. Okay. I got the calendar, the 2026 calendar for sale now. I'm on the road. The final leg of the Dreamboat Tour, and we're trying to figure out when we're going to – I'm trying to make plans to film the special at the end of it. So come see this material for the last time live. Stavi.biz. Listen to Stavi's World. All that good stuff. Watch me on YouTube. All that good stuff. Do it up. Do everything Stavi just told you to do. Also listen to History Hyenas coming at you every Thursday. and christycomedy.com the only show I have on sale right now is in Charlestown West Virginia Charlestown Racing Charlestown Racing come see the show I might be doing Vegas in February but the goal is to stay in the original 13 colonies and just kind of re you know just get freedom back into our seas beautiful that's a beautiful goal see you guys bye bye Bert and Tom Tom and Bert one goes topless while the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One K.