Our Marriage Was Better When I Was Drunk

This is an ad for BetterHelp. If you've ever said, I'm not in a crisis, I don't need therapy, I want you to reconsider. The time to take care of your mental health is before things fall apart. Talking to someone can help. Get started at betterhelp.com slash D'Aloni and save 10%. I've been sober almost three years. The person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all. And I feel like I'm kind of now living a life that somebody else created. We're just very disinterested in each other. If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John D'Aloni Show. Taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm at Nashville, you're not. Well, maybe you are. I don't know where you are. However you ended up here, I'm glad you're here. Sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move in their relationships with their mental and emotional health, their kids, whatever they got going on in your life. You want to be on this show? I would love to have you click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Tyler. Hey Tyler, what's up? Hey, hey John. My question is how do I navigate my marriage after becoming or getting sober and realizing that my wife and I don't really have any sort of friendship or anything in common since I've become sober? How long have you been sober? I've been sober almost three years. Congratulations, man. Thank you. That's awesome. So how long have you been married? I've been married since 2020, so we've been married almost six years. Okay. Is your wife sober too? She is, yes. So tell me about we don't have anything in common. I get that we're not friends anymore and that happens a lot in marriages, especially when people are changing and growing and when life gets bananas. Do you all have kids? We have a two-year-old son. Okay. So very common, like we become co-managers of our house and we're not friends anymore. But tell me about this fear you have that you'll have nothing in common. What's meaning or values and interests of things that she likes to do versus things I like to do or things that I'm passionate about or things that she's passionate about? It just seems as though I know people are different and you're not going to share everything all the time. But it's like if I look back now, the person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all. And I feel like I'm kind of now living a life that somebody else created, these other decisions and I'm just, we don't get along. It's not nothing, no animosity or anything between us. We're just very disinterested in each other and our relationship is the way it kind of feels. Okay. So a couple of things, okay? First thing is, I have high hopes for your relationship. Anything you just said to me is something I hear on a regular basis. Okay? So I don't want you to think you're somehow broken or whatever. If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that. Right. Okay? What I don't want you to do is to sit here and to blame former you. I want you to own where you are now and say, I get to choose what happens next and I hope that she'll choose it with me. Okay? My wife and I have almost zero common interests when it comes to hobbies, things we're passionate about, almost zero. What keeps us excited about getting to know each other regularly is I am passionate about how passionate she is about things, not about the things she's passionate about. You know what I'm saying? Sure. Yeah. I do the terrifying, scary work of not trying to make her carry all of the weight of passion and feelings and I'm into something. So you need to be into something. Right? You get what I'm saying? Sure. That also means I've had to really grieve. I would like nothing more than for my wife to be on the front row every time I'm speaking at a lab event or doing a comedy show or something. That's not who she is. And it makes me sad. It really does. She does show up to things that matter to me. She will. But not on a regular basis. It's not her thing. But she's really excited about how excited I am about things and that's a choice. Sure. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so what I don't want you to do is to start trying to retroactively live your life like, I never would have made the... That's wasted energy on... That's helped you avoid, oh, I get to create what happens next. So it's almost like a, you know, call it what it is. If you don't want it, then just say that's what it is. Don't try to blame this other version of you would have done differently. It's like, if you don't want it, then don't. But that's the decision. It's not possible because of what you used or you should have done kind of thing. Correct. And I'll say this boldly. Both of you all can sit at a table and say, let's choose friendship. Let's choose to like each other. Let's choose to see each other and to really get to re-know each other because we're different people. We have a different marriage. And by the way, a lot of this, I'm guessing, comes from you have a two-year-old in the house. Your whole marriage is different now. Your sex life is different. Your finances are different. What you all think is important is different. And so all friendships have a constantly evolving, oh, you're into this now too. That's kind of cool or that's dumb, but we're still going to get nachos together and hang out. It's putting that level of intentionality on this. It's not being led around by feelings. Led around by feelings is what you got in your mess in the first place with, right, not being sober. So it is saying, I'm going to intentionally go after this. Here's a weird question for you. When's the last time, singularly or over time, that you intentionally did a thing or things for her? And I'm not talking about laundry. I'm talking about she rolled over in her coffee just the way she likes it was sitting right there under nightstand. Probably years. And to be fair, when's the last time the two-year-old went down and she came down and gave you that look like she used to give you back before you all had kids? She's like, yeah, probably the same time. This is happening, right? And so often these things get really big and existential. I've made a big mistake. This marriage is over. And really the path back becomes, starts very small. I'm going to do things because this is my wife. I'm going to do things as the mother of my child. And I'm going to begin acting in ways so that I can show up in this marriage how I want to show up. And I'm going to be open and honest with her about what I want. And hopefully we can build this thing back and make it stronger and more awesome than it was. That makes sense. But if you don't like her and you're choosing to not do the things that would allow you to be in love with her, then own that. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's the, yeah, I don't want to make a decision blaming somebody else. It's my decision. I can make it work if I want to. But if you don't, then don't, but don't try to blame somebody else for that. Well, and let me say this. You can't make the marriage work by yourself. Sure. Sure. Yeah. But you can become the best version of you so that you can go inside this little exclusive club that you all have created with a membership of two and be the best version of yourself and give that thing a shot. Yeah. That makes sense. Tell me what you want that you're not, that she's not showing up for you. Or places where she's not showing up. I would probably just, I guess the thing everybody wants, just the appreciative of everything that you do, the acting like they want to be, she wants to be your friend. You know, acting like the things that you do, do matter or that, you know, just the general niceties, I guess, of being appreciated, I think. Yeah. It's basic kindness, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, to be fair, I probably haven't been as kind, you know, to her. I think we both probably do the same thing. It's that thing that, you know, one person isn't filled and it's hard to fill the other person and then you just kind of self-destruct on each other because neither one of you is getting what you, either one of you feel like you need. So it's just kind of hard to figure out how do you get out of that when both of you feel empty. And the word you've used over and over, and it's not a bad thing. It's just, it's, I want to call attention to it, is feel, feel, feel. And what I want, what I want more adults to do in our culture and in our homes and for each other is to feel something really big and then go do the next right thing. That's emotional regulation. I feel like hitting you and I'm not. I feel like you're not being, celebrating me as much as I want to be celebrated. I'm going to go make you a cup of coffee, just for you. I don't feel like you've noticed me a lot. I'm going to make sure I leave a note on your bed, on your pillow before I leave for work so that you know that I notice how hard you're working. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I've seen, somebody said this, consider this, the marriage y'all had is over. It's over. And that's not a bad thing. Hopefully, if you do marriage right, you'll have 15 or 20 new marriages over the course of your lifetime. The question is, do y'all want to build a new one? And if you do, I think I've said this on the show. I'll never forget this moment when I sat across from the table, my wife and I were calling it. We don't like each other. We're not friends. And one of us said, I think it was her that said, well, we built a crappy marriage. I guess we could build an awesome one. And then it was like, okay, what must be true? Like you said, I need you to say you're proud of me. I need you to say thank you. Well, I need you to show up here. I need you to put your stupid phone down. I need you to be kind. It becomes these very basic low level human interaction things that you and I both would give to strangers, we'd give to people in AA meetings, we'd give the groceries to our clerk, but for some reason we stopped doing it for our spouse. So would it be fair or a good decision then to straight up have that conversation? Listen, what we've had is dead. And if we want something, we're going to have to start building something new. Is that a fair way to come out? I wouldn't use a word dead, but I don't know another path forward than what you just said. Okay. Oh, I can walk you through how I've seen it be done successfully, both in my house and in countless other homes. Yeah, I mean, I think we're at that point where it's like we have to have that conversation of we have to do something now. Okay. So I just, what I want to, but I want to make sure I handle it with grace and care. I don't want to. That's awesome. Does she feel that urgency or is it building on your end? Just her personality type is very low key. And so I don't know how much she feels. She's just kind of very go with the flow. So I don't know if it's building to the same level, probably not. It's probably a little bit stronger with me. I think somebody has to sit down and you've heard me say this on the show, stop the music and turn the lights on. The dance has to stop. I'm not going to be nice to her because she's never nice to me. Well, I'm just going to keep going with the flow and being low key because he criticizes everything I do and I don't do anything right enough for him. I'm trying to keep his kid alive and whatever. And you just get in that dance, right? Yeah. And so somebody has to stop the dance and look at each other and I'll put the onus on you because you called. Sure. Like you're my wife and I love you. And we have a two year old now. I'm sober now. The marriage we had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. We're different people. And I miss you as my friend and you're never going to be into the things I'm into. I'm never going to be into the things you're into. And that's awesome. But I want us to be friends. What are three or four things I can do to love you well today? I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to start picking stuff. So tell me, right? And I want to give you a few things that I want, things that you can love me well on. And you may have heard me give this framework. It originally comes from Terry Real. I've expanded a little bit, but look at her and say, I've made up some stories about you. I've made up stories like you don't care. You don't see me. You don't celebrate me. You don't even know who I am anymore. I've made up stories that all you care about as a kid, all you care about is your hobbies or whatever. All you care about is your phone. And based on those stories I've made up about you, I feel small. I feel less than. I feel like you don't care about me. And when you say it like that, you're inviting her in to challenge those stories and say, like, man, are these stories wrong? Are they right? What stories have you made up about me? And when you start saying it that way, you see what I'm saying? Like that's different than like, are marriages dead? You've been. If that happens, we're at World War III. This is an invitation. And if you all get to the end of that conversation, you realize, and she says, I'm not interested in being married anymore. Then you all can have that conversation. But man, I've got high, high hopes for you guys. If you all can sit down and say, I'm going to be all in on this deal, can you give me a path? I want to see you and I want to know you and I want to celebrate you. And man, I want you to get to know me again and I want you to celebrate me again and we'll challenge each other when necessary. Yeah, that's incredibly helpful. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Yeah, for sure. This is a big existential question. Do you want to be married? I think so. Okay. That's okay. That's okay. It's not a bad answer. It's an honest answer and I honor that. It's good. What scares you about having this conversation? I think we've done some counseling together before and I don't know if she'll be able to communicate what she's hearing or feeling. I mean, just like any couple, you know, it's always communications, always the most important part. But I think maybe sometimes I over communicate and I don't get any feedback. And so I guess my fear would be I'm just not going to get the honest, the honesty or the feedback on it or it'll just be a one-sided conversation with tears and she just shakes her head and just agrees with whatever I say without giving any feedback or pushback or anything and then it just kind of feels like, well, I just put everything out there and you can't respond to anything. If you and I are being totally honest, I mean, if you're being totally honest with me, are you someone who receives feedback well from her? I think so, yeah. Okay. So are you a safe place for her to respond to is what is the big question? I hope to be and if I'm not, I would like to know that but as far as I know, I am. So I think a beautiful place for you to start is with what you just said about your fears. But own that fear. I think I over explain things and I talk a lot and I sound all articulate and I think I come over you like a wave in the ocean. I'm sorry. I'm gonna, I just want to listen. I miss my friend and I can't keep going in our marriage like this. I don't think you want to keep going in our marriage like this. And so I want to reset the dynamic. And if she looks at you and says today is not a good day, like that's a lot of information to take in. I need 24 hours. That's how my wife responds, by the way. Like when I sit down with something big, I now know she just takes 24 or 48 hours to circle back. Sure, which is fair because this has been on my mind for who knows how long and I've had this conversation that's, she's gonna feel blindsided, I understand. Sure. And, and the more you can use I statements, the better. I've brought this, I think I'm this way. The story I'm made up about myself is that I'm a lot and the story I've made up about you is you're just, you don't want to respond to these things or you can't respond to these things. Take a day. Take two days. Read them down and send me the letter or read me the letter. And so being able to communicate to her in a language she can hear and absorb and then give back to you. Man, what a blessing that is. I want to tell you I'm proud of you for making the call. Thank you, man. Thanks for taking my call. It's been incredibly helpful. I really appreciate it. And you're not, not, not crazy. Okay. All right. Appreciate it, sir. Cool. All right, brother. Let me know how the conversation goes. All right, we'll do, sir. Thank you so much. We come back. A man asks how to respond after his wife told him she could go the rest of her life without sex. 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And it's hard to do anything about it. DELETE ME is your friend here. DELETE ME will find your personal information online and they remove it for you. Not just once over and over again. They keep monitoring the interwebs for your information and they clean it up month after month so you can close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is. Because you can't build a peaceful life if parts of your life are still way out in the wide open. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloni and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindeleteme.com slash Deloni. All right. Let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Jamie. Hey, Jamie, what's up? Man, I'm just doing this thing called life. How are you doing? Same. Same. So what's up, dude? Yeah. So I just wanted to talk to you really quick about something that's kind of been on my mind recently. Not too long ago, my wife mentioned that she could go the rest of her life basically without being sexually intimate. I was just calling in to see how I should posture myself moving forward knowing this information. What about what she said made you take it personally? As though you're not good. Like you're not good in bed. You're not good at this thing. Well, I don't necessarily think it was that mainly because to my knowledge and what she told me that I'm her only one. So it was more or less just like a misunderstanding of how could you not want this, especially with the age that we are. How old are you? We are in our mid and late 20s. Okay. Okay. Does she have a history of sexual abuse? She did have some incidents with a family member when she was younger. Okay. Those aren't incidents. Those are life altering. Right. Yeah. Was she abused by a family member? Yeah, it was, yeah. Okay. Okay. So let's honor those for the shape shifter events that that is. Okay. It's not an incident. It's a, I was going left in my life and now I'm going right. Right. Okay. Do y'all, how is your sex life now? Well, when I originally submitted it, we, we, well, I kind of took it upon myself to get your together app and have been slowly working on micro habits to move towards, you know, deeper intimacy outside of sex and things like that. Dude, shout out. Good on you. Forget the app part, but good on you for seeing sex being outside the bedroom, like a contact. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. Thank you. And we've just, I listened to your show a lot and I always hear you say like putting it on the calendar. So just trying to meet each other's needs and obviously not being pushy about it or anything, just trying to make it like a once or maybe even twice a month type of deal where she knows in advance that, you know, it's coming up and I'm always, you know, checking in to see how she's feeling, you know, a couple of days prior or, you know, how she's feeling that day. And if, you know, I can tell that the, the feelings are, you know, the, you know, because she's in school full time as well. So it's, it's kind of like one of those things. If, if I know she's busy, then, you know, I'll just, we'll reschedule it or, you know, to the next day or day after whatever it may be. Okay. So before we get to this, the actual sex part, I want her to go see a trauma therapist because I want her to be free. And potentially it will have a dramatic impact on your sexual relationship. Sex can become a intimacy builder. It can become a place of stress relief, a fun of play. But my guess is right now for her, sex is a five alarm fire right in the middle of her chest. And so once or twice a week, she loves you enough to grit her teeth and walk through that fire for you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I don't want her grit her teeth. I don't want her grit her teeth through life. Right. Did I say once or twice a week? I meant once or twice a month. Yeah. You said that. You said that. I said it wrong. Yeah. Once or twice a month. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so right now it's about sexual frequency. Right now you're a guy in your twenties and you're like, dude, I got married. I thought we were going to be partying all the time. And the thought of it shuts her body down. Right? Is that fair? Yeah. And I mean, even when I bring it up, it's like I can feel the automatic shift in the environment and everything. Yeah. Okay. So I want her to go see somebody and she's got to want to do this. And if you present it to her as I want to have more sex, so you need to go do this thing. That's not going to work. It is, I want you to go do this thing because I want you to have peace inside of your own body, inside of your own skin. You get what I'm saying? She is shut off a part of herself out of self-preservation. That makes sense. And man, you sound like such an honorable young man and it's pretty awesome. Because I've also talked to guys in your shoes that accuse, blame, get all puffed up and big and drag their wives through hell. And you're not that guy and it's honorable. I appreciate you being a good man and trying to love her well. Thank you, sir. And can I also say this? It's not wrong to want to have sex with your wife all the time. You're not a creepy bad guy. Okay? That doesn't make you weird either or broken. Okay? So I don't want you to go through life with your head down. Like, I just want to have sex with my wife all the time. That doesn't make you, that makes you awesome. Okay? Thank you. I appreciate that. Well, I called your head up, man. Like, let's take sex off the table because it's so personal and it's so everyone's experiences in their past and in their present and in their, like everything gets to be, it's a dynamic and that dynamic is so hard to deal with. Let's get something. I'm going to give an, a ridiculous example. Okay? Just go with me on this. Okay. You love playing basketball. And a long time ago, somebody hurt her really bad on a basketball court and she's like, I'm never going out there again. Right? And so you pegging her with a basketball or whatever, like, or like, let's play, let's play. It's so fun for her. It's not right. The challenge I want to lay before you is the more like sex in our culture has been, it's because of pornography. It's because of social media. It's because of just it's in the air. It's everywhere and it's everywhere, but nobody talks about it in a, in a deep and thoughtful way. And so everybody's trying to make it up on the fly here and sex has become such so performance driven that when somebody says, I don't want this, we just shut, I mean, it, it, it's a bomb inside of our chest. Right? Because it's like, am I not doing it good enough? If I did it well enough, wouldn't you want this? Right? Right. And so I want you to work hard on not personalizing it. You can't, you won't be able to stop that feeling of, are you serious? I'm not, I, I did good last time. That feeling will come. It's what you do next with that, with, with the next right action. Okay. That's just, that's called emotional maturity. I feel this thing. I'm going to go do this next thing. Right? Are there things you'll have, and I'm going to get kind of specific here. So tell me if you don't want to answer these questions. Are there things y'all do together sexually that she says I liked that or I didn't like that? Or is the whole, the whole engagement uncomfortable for her? Well, to be honest with you, Dr. John, I have voiced my desire to hear what she enjoys. And honestly, the other day she mentioned that she's been going, you know, 20 plus years trying to figure out her body and what she enjoys. Okay. Yeah. So it seems almost like an ongoing battle to try and figure out like what, what is good for her. Cause I mean, you know, as a guy, it's almost like, you know, almost anything. Yeah. Exactly. Yes. Exactly. Yes. I mean, gosh dude, I'd high five her. She's sitting here like good for her for being curious about what do I like? What do I think feels good? What does sound, you know, whatever. I want you to reframe it not as a battle, but as an adventure, y'all can go on together if she'll have you. Right. Right. And that means you being willing to get going and stop. That means you being willing to like get all geared up for something and then one or two seconds in, she's like, no, no, no, no, no, right. And it's you being super kind and gentle and compassionate. And her having some courage, right? I mean, having like being brave, like I'm going to, I'm not going to be ashamed of my body. I'm not going to be ashamed of my past and that will come through the trauma healing. Anybody who's experienced childhood sexual abuse, I mean, I just can't recommend it enough because of the freedom on the other side of that. And what happens here is like, what happened to her as a kid happened. There's a period. You can't undo that. Right. But your body, you can learn over time that you're, and sometimes quicker than you think. Sometimes it takes a while, but sometimes it's much quicker than you think that your body can remember that, but it doesn't go back and try to keep you safe in the present. You retain, you regain this thing called agency autonomy. I'm driving now. And it jet your whole body goes, now we can start exploring. What do we like? What do we not like? What sounds fun? What do you want to have? What kind of, what do we want to try? That kind of stuff, right? Yeah. And even if you, if you on your schedule times once or twice a month, like, if y'all can have this conversation with a smile on your face, it's an exploratory conversation, right? It's an adventure. It's not a battle, but a, let's put three things on, on this night. We'll try them. You put three things down, or if the stress building of this thing coming up is too much, ask her if she's into, um, not anticipating it. It may be in your household for a season, putting on the calendar actually creates more anxiety. It's this looming thing that happens, right? Maybe it's being just swept off her feet and taken is something that she loves. Who knows? But it's something to try. It's working through it together. You know what I'm saying? But man, you're an honorable man and it's good to talk to you. Yeah, it's been a pleasure, John. I've got, I've got, I'm going to say this, I said this to the last caller, I'll say it to you. I've got high hopes for you guys. Thank you, sir. And you're not a bad husband. If you get frustrated, you're not a bad husband. If you wish it was 15 times the amount in this season, like none of that stuff makes you a bad guy. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. Adding your shame on top of what's happening will only make it, it's not going to be helpful. It's not, it's not real. You're a good man, dude. Thank you, sir. Cool. Cool. All right, my brother. Appreciate the call, dude. And if she wants to call me, I'd love to talk to her. She may not know that you called and so, but if she does, okay. Dude, I'd be honored to talk to her too. Talk to you both. And, but I can't recommend enough her going to see somebody maybe for the first time, but walking in the door and saying, not, I want to have more sex than my husband. I want to finally be free from what this family member did to me when I was a kid. And I want to regain agency of my own body. And then we'll go from there. And she may never have the libido you have, or it may come back in wild fashion. Who knows? Who knows? I don't know. But let's start with healing first. And dude, God bless you for being a 20-something-year-old guy and seeing that sex begins outside of the bedroom. You're on it, my brother. Appreciate you. It's been an honor talking to you. We come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter's dance goals while restoring balance in the family. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one in five U.S. adults experience mental illness every year. And this number does not include all the other millions of people who are struggling with mental and emotional challenges of all types. Nearly half of the folks experiencing mental illness never get any help. And listen, these aren't just statistics. These are our friends, our neighbors, our family members. These numbers are you and me. And we're living in this nonstop, noise-filled world full of screens and comparisons and constant notifications. And our bodies are always on high alert. We're all more connected than ever, yet we're more anxious, lonely, and overwhelmed. This stress shows up everywhere in our relationships and our health. Listen, we are never meant to carry all of this alone, and talking to someone can help. I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States, and they follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Talk to someone. Go to betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloni. All right, St. Louis, Missouri, let's talk to Julie. Hey, Julie, what's up? Hi, Dr. John, thanks so much for taking my call. I appreciate it. Of course, thank you. What's going on? Well, I have a daughter who has, for the last four or five years, been convinced she wants to be a professional dancer, so she's not wavered. And I want to support that. How old is she? She's 12, she'll be 13 next month. Okay. But it's gotten to the point where it's kind of almost taking up all the oxygen in the room in terms of extracurriculars. I have one other daughter as well. And with my dance daughter, my ballerina, she thinks that her goals are most important, and I understand that passion and that drive. When I'm having a really hard time, just kind of well-seeking balance for myself and for my other daughter as well. How direct can I be with you? Very. Are you sure? Yes. I want to just interject really quick and say that I've gained a lot of insight from your calls over the years, so whatever you need to say, please say. I am open to seeing the light. If we were just hanging out, having dinner, talking, I would take a lot longer to get where I'm getting, but because of the compressed nature of these calls, I was going to jump right in. Cool? Yes. The single greatest gift you could give your about to be teenage daughter is not only the words, but the lived experience that she does not drive this house. You do. Yeah. And she will grab every square inch of the rope that's given to her, and I want you to see that as her frantically trying to hang on, not trying to take advantage. She's grasping for control because she's a kid. She's a teenager is what they do. And they will take every bit of rope that the adults let go of. So here's some direct language. I have one job and that's to keep you safe. Right. I have a second. I've got, you got 50 jobs as a parent. I'm just trying to be overdramatic here. Right. That's okay. One of my big jobs is to keep you safe. And safety is online. Safety is, you know, stranger danger, all that, but safety is also you got to take a break because you're 12. Right. Safety is you're going to go to sleep. Safety is I would not be doing my job as a parent if you did not have a lived experience of also putting other people's needs first. Okay. That's good. And especially now after four or five years of kind of getting ruled a roost, you're going to have a war on your hands. I am. Right. Yeah. And here's what's important. Yeah. Every feeling she has is okay, but not every response she has is okay. Right. You look her in the eyes and say, I can handle you being mad. I can handle you not liking me. I love you too much. But if you meet her volume with your volume, if you just let her get away with cursing or swearing or slamming doors or whatever, then again, she's learning, oh, I run this place. Right. Right. And so expect, I would say conflict, conflict deferred is conflict amplified. This is going to be a high amplification. Okay. But luckily she's not a preteen young woman who's also, his body is changing faster than right. Then the weather in Texas. And so you'll have that going for you. Right. And I'm in perimenopause. So sweet. So it's like, it's like a man. Kelly and I were just joking off air about that. I have been putting off really asserting, I think on some level I knew what you were going to say. And I have been putting it off. Why are you scared of her? I'm afraid. Well, so her dad and I are divorced and there's a lot of layers to that too that we don't have to get into. But I am afraid that I'm going to be the convenient villain and that it's going to kind of spiral out of control for me. So I feel like I've honestly been kind of walking on eggshells to some degree. Okay. I need you to know that that is unspooling her nervous system. Oh, yeah. I didn't think of it that way. When did y'all get divorced? About eight years ago. Okay. So it's been a while. In a minute, but she was a toddler. Yeah. Okay. She adjusted better than my older one. My older one took a little bit longer, but I also have like a lot of that mom guilt and I'm afraid I'm not enough. Yeah, that's so serious. I'm not doing enough or I'm doing too much. And a lot of that is my own probably anxiety. A hundred percent of it is yours. Yeah. Zero of it is theirs. They just respond to the adults in their life. Do you, do you, and I know that's a mean way to put that really, really abrupt. No, I appreciate the directness. It's true. I see it. How do you and your ex-co-parent? We are amicable, but I am the utility parent. So everything falls to me, all the appointments, all the school, all that. I don't have a whole lot of time to have fun with the kids. And actually, to that point, my daughter did have a foot injury the last month or so. So she hasn't been going to dance and we've actually started to communicate a lot better. So I see that there's an obvious need for us to have one-on-one time to connect and to not constantly be driving to the next thing. Yes. I just don't know how now that she's getting back into dance, I feel like it's going to spin away from me again. So I don't want you to say things like, hasn't this been great? And we've gotten to do it. I want you to use the word I. I realized I'm missing my relationship with my daughter. I realized that I've been allowing you to run this house with your schedule and I'm not going to put that on you anymore. I'm sorry for doing that. Thank you. I am going to put some boundaries around dance. I want you to be a great dancer and I see how much you love it and that's amazing. But my job is to help you grow up and be the best adult version of yourself you can be and that means you've got to have friends. That means you've got to have rest. That means you've got to have play. Wow. Thank you for helping me find my own words. Does that make sense? Yes. I needed that. But all of it, every bit of this has to be I. I'm the adult in this room. Right. And I can handle your mad. I can handle your anger. Where this will get sideways is if she goes to your husband who then funds everything. Yeah. Right. And he's going to, I'll drive you then fine. Forget your mom. She's always ruining everything. If he's that kind of guy, call that out. A little bit. Call it out. Your dad's going to say a bunch of mean stuff about me and you can choose to believe it or not. Okay. But never doubt that I love you more than life itself and loving you is not giving you every single thing you want. You're 12. I'm the parent. Thank you. This could be a nightmare. It is. I'm not looking forward, but I also am looking forward to it because I feel like I have some tools. I, the hardest part was figuring out what way to attack it because I am very cautious about how I communicate with them and I try to model emotional intelligence and, but this is a place where I think I've been so emotionally unspuled to use your words that I didn't really know how to get to it. Okay. Let me give you a, can I say something scary? Yeah. I'm just going to, I'm going to make you more anxious than before you got on this call. I'm sorry. It's okay. I don't think you could, but it's okay. When a kid, a kid can feel in their body when adults are being careful around them. Yeah. And what that sends to a child is, I'm not lovable enough as I am. No. Okay. That's what I don't want. I know, I know. And that's why I told you, you're going to be more anxious when you get off this call or not. I, that's why looking at your daughter and saying, I love every bit of you and I love how passionate you are about this thing. It's so cool. I've never been this passionate about anything except for you two. So imagine how much you love dance. I love you and your sister a million times more than that. I love every bit of you, all of it. And I've been holding back a little bit because they didn't want to make you mad. And I realized it's not good. It's not me doing my job as your mom. You're allowed to be mad and I love you anyway. You're allowed to say mean things and slam the door and break stuff, throw things, but you're allowed to be mad. I get mad. You're allowed to be sad and frustrated and pissed off at me. That's okay. But I want, I want my kids to know I'm not going, I'm not going to not have some conversation with you or challenge you on something because I'm scared of your reaction. Or there's parts of you that I think are going to come out and I'm afraid of those. Right. Because what I'm telling my kids is there's a part of you I don't love. Here's a, I'll take, here's a great example happened in my house. My daughter is emotionally volatile like her dad. Right. I'm a big dramatic mess. And my son is a walking Xanax. I don't, I don't know how he came out of our genetic concoction. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Like, like, man, you know what? The house just exploded. Can I get a, can I get a Dr Pepper? That's my son. Right. That's awesome. Well, we were playing a game. We were playing, we play this game out in the country called three on three baseball to every man for himself and it's hilarious. Well, but we peg each other with a tennis ball. The other day my daughter was running and my son went, I mean, he was gently through it, but dude, sure enough, he drilled it right in the back of the head and she grabs her head and she starts crying. Fair. She's getting the head of the ball, but she turned to just go after him. Right. And I yelled out, I was way across the field and I said, no, no, ma'am, stop. Well, that caused a further explosion. You don't let me be sad. You always get mad when I cry. You always get mad when I'm in pain. And so our follow up conversation wants to smoke cleared because I'm not good in those conversations and she's not, you can't, there's no hearing going on. There's just trying to defeat each other. Right. Yeah. I had to tell her, you were allowed to cry any minute of any second of any time in this house. Your tears are always welcome here. I will always be a source of comfort for you if you get hurt always, but you can't be mean or hurtful because you're uncomfortable because you just got hit with a tennis ball. And that's the part, that's the thing. Your every feeling you have is okay in this house, but not every action is okay. Right. And I still don't think she fully got that and it's going to be an ongoing conversation we have, but I'm not going to battle her. I'm the dad. I win. I've already won. Right. Right. I'm not going to be hurtful, but I will engage it every time because her brother did, now if her brother meant to do that, I would have gone flying over there. Right. If he meant to hurt her, then now him and I are going to have a problem. That's not who he is. He never did that. And she knows that. And so I'm trying to teach her as man, be mad, be hurt, be all those things. That's life. But don't just go looking for somebody to cut down and swing because that's politics these days. Right. Yeah. And I want us to be more emotionally mature than that. And it just takes time. So I'll just tell you best of luck to you, Julie. Thank you. I actually feel pretty hopeful. Oh, you should be super hopeful. You'll have to wade through it, but you'll be super hopeful and you're going to have to wade through the blame. I love a roadmap. You've ruined my life. You're taking my dream away from me. You have to wade through all that. And I would recommend having one or two things that you can replace. If you're going to pull something off, what are some things she can do in the house? Okay. You're going to be responsible. I'm going to pay you, but you're responsible for cooking two nights a week. Okay. You're responsible. Give her some things that she can have agency of in her home. Got it. Like, because tell her you play an important role here and you're an essential part of this house. And I'm tired of the dance teacher getting the best version of you. Deep down she wants to be a contributor. Yes, she does. She was with more than anything else. And often the probably part of what's causing her to feel a bit adrift in terms of, well, if the only place, if the only place she gets celebrated is at dance. Right. Right. Yeah. There's the old marriage saying, if you're not your wife or husband's biggest cheerleader, something or someone else will be. The same goes with your kids. If they don't feel safe enough to drop all their baggage in their home, they'll find a place where they can drop it. Okay. Drop in two phones. Thank you. You're awesome. I feel a lot of clarity actually over this. And I feel like you gave me a roadmap. So I feel better. I just need to actually implement it fearlessly. Everything's going to be okay. Well, let me say this. It won't be. In the end it will, right? I always tell folks when you get, when you, when, if you have young kids and you get divorced or if you have teenagers and you get divorced, we're immediately going to fast forward to our relationship when our kid is 25. That's when the clarity begins to, oh, my mom was all alone. Oh, my dad was fighting mom the whole way. Right. Okay. Dad made mom do all of this crap while he just got to be the fun guy. But that kind of clarity doesn't come until the frontal lobe develops. And that's 25. Right. And I've been walking through this and afraid that I'm going to lose them, to be honest. There's been some level of me that's just afraid that I'll lose them, which is another thing entirely, but I'm, I can't operate that way. I see it. Well, it becomes accidentally self-reinforcing. Right. I'm going to, I'm going to give them whatever they want. I'm going to walk on eggshells. I'm not going to have any boundaries. I'm going to burn myself at the stake so that they can have everything. And when all they really, really deeply want is safety and security and being seen and known and loved by their parents. Right. And then they find those things other places and home becomes electric because mom doesn't even like me, not all of me. And you see how it happens that your biggest fear comes true. Right. I do see it. Yeah. Dude, can I just tell you, I'm, I'm proud of you for turning the lights on. It's awesome. Thank you for helping me too. Thank you. Oh heck yeah, it is my job. And, and, and, and, hey, you're going to follow this map and there's going to be moments when you find that, like, you're like, oh, I'm out in the woods. I missed a turn somewhere. Call me back. Okay. Call me back. And if you and her ever want to call, I'll be the bad guy. Oh, that would be cool. She would love it. I don't take kids under 18, but I will if there, if their parents on, I'll talk to them. That'd be fun. Okay. Okay. Happy rat. All right. Hey, thank you so much for calling and best of luck to you waiting into this firestorm. You're going to get burned. It's going to be scars. But we're playing a long, long game with this one. Parents take back your homes. That's the greatest gift you can give your kids. We'll be right back. It's the springtime and my life is chaos with my family, with work, with everything. So I've not been out in the woods or out fishing lately, but that's not stopping me from using my Montana Knife Company knives every day. I use two of their knives this morning making breakfast for my family. I've bought a ton of Montana Knife Company knives over the years, long before they ever partnered with me on this show. And I use them all the time hunting, fishing in the kitchen, wherever. And when I need a go-to gift for a great friend or someone who's invited me out, somebody's getting married or celebrating something really important, I bring Montana Knife Company knives. They're amazing gifts too. They're not just knives. They're something that they will actually use. Montana Knife Company just built this incredible new facility in Montana and they manufacture everything in-house. These knives are so well-crafted, made in the USA, and you're going to pass them on to your grandkids someday. I want you to go to montanonifecompany.com right now and see what's in stock. That's montanonifecompany.com. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right. So this is from Erin in Springdale, Arkansas. Erin E. or Aeron? E. Okay. This is a mom. Okay. This is my mom. I'm a single mom of three boys, 11, 9, and 5. I'm an avid listener and I've learned so much. Every night I hold each of my boys' faces in my hands and tell them how lucky I am to be their mom and how much I love them. Once a week I get a sitter for a couple of hours and take one of them for a one-on-one time. Oh, that's so cool. We rotate who's turn it is weekly because sitters are expensive. It didn't take long to realize that it's not about the things that I can give them, it's about the time that they want. While I still question myself daily or hourly, I wonder and wonder if I'm doing this whole mom thing right. I get small wins that remind me that I am. One day while we were out, my five-year-old looked at me and said, Mom, I'm so lucky to be your son. And in that moment, every doubt, mess, and unanswered, what's for dinner question was worth it. I felt so loved. Now wish me luck for puberty. Nope. You got to go through that one without luck. You just got to wait through it. Dude, that's awesome right there. That intentionality comes at the expense of the new show that's out. That intentionality comes at the expense of sleep, of whatever, but that intentionality. That's life. That's the good stuff right there, man. That's it. That's it. Good for you. Good for you. And Kelly, I'll be intentional with you. Intentionally what? All right. Love you guys. Y'all have a good one. Bye.