How to Validate Feelings (The Mistake Parents Make)

We're currently running a special limited time five week Q&A series exclusively for our Bratbusters boot camp members. Throughout April, I'm featuring selected member questions alongside the most common implementation hurdles in an exclusive episode each week for five weeks. If you're not already a member, it's not too late to be part of this series. You'll get an instant access to the episodes already released and the final episode question submission deadline is April 23 at 3pm Pacific Time. Go to bratbusters.com or check out the podcast description to learn more and join the Bratbusters boot camp today. I do validate all their feelings. It's just I don't discuss it in this mini therapy session way. It's ridiculous. Even when I say no to something, I will eventually change my answer or get so mad that I yell. I know enough is enough and I want to turn around. How would I tell them that things are about to change and that they're in for a rude awakening now that I'm not going to give in? What you do is you say to them, we messed up, we spoiled you, we are bad, we, we, we, we were bad. What's the kind way to approach parenting? What's the not so kind way to approach it? It can become overwhelming because I feel like as a parent, you could often second guess yourself. 100% and it's fascinating. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is more of a question and it's should you validate every feeling as a parent? Yes and no. It's more situational. It's around context, certain contexts. Yes, you do validate. If they're just mad because they didn't get their own way, I'm not going to validate that. I just let them deal with it. But yeah, but they already understand, you know, that if they've done something naughty and you've handed out a consequence and now they're mad that I don't validate that at all. Nope. And I think that online from what I see from parents is they want to raise kids who are confident, who are self starters, who are independent, but also they don't want to coddle their kids and they want to make sure that they're not raising or they're not being too mean or like harsh. So how do you draw that line? Okay, there's a lot of coddling going on these days. It's the pleaser parent style where you want to validate all their feelings and discuss everything. And but they're not actually following through with a lot of consequences for the kids. And they're also not often playing with their kids enough in their world. So yeah, now when we're that was a very good point you just made because if you're validating all their feelings, I also like to have some positivity to back that up. So let's say they're sad. I would say, okay, that would be I can see how that's very upsetting. I would be sad too. So what are we going to do about it? I like to raise problem solvers. I like to raise kids who are strong enough that they can have a feeling, identify it and then say, what am I going to do about that? Or sometimes you just need to feel it like with grief. I'm often asked by parents, how do I tell my kids that their grandfather just died? How do I, you know, I don't want them to be sad about it. Well, they're going to be sad and they should be sad. It's some things are just sad and that's okay too. You can't always fix stuff. You can't fix their feelings all the time. But you can encourage them to work through them to understand them and work through them. A lot of parents are just focused on helping them understand your feelings. But what are you going to do about it? Like, you know, that's, I think, the step that's often missing. They're so busy validating, they forget to move forward and raise problem solvers. How are you going to get through this? What are we going to do? Yeah, you do feel sad about being bullied. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to help you figure that out. Right? I think that's actually a really good point is it must be so challenging as a parent to see your kid going through a hard time and not fix it for them. Well, you can't fix it for them anyway. And it is agony. I've raised a couple of kids and they're going to go through stuff and it is agonizing. It really is. But you know what I did too is that we did talk it through a lot. But then I would say, you know what I did? I went through that or I know someone else who did. So I tell stories. Boy, that helps a lot to know you're not alone. You're not the only one to go through. Well, you tell me, did that help when I told you you're not the only one going through it? I went through something like that or I knew someone else who did. Definitely. And I think that sometimes you just need an ear. Yeah, they don't always want you to solve their problems. And that's one of my top tips for parenting teenagers. It's the number one tip is listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with. So think about that. Are you lecturing or are you actually helping them to solve their own problems? So yeah, if they want your advice, they'll ask for it. Sometimes they just want an ear. You're absolutely right. Okay, do you want to get into the questions? Because I feel like it'll bring out a lot more stuff. It will because it's kind of an empty topic without the questions, I think. Truly, I need some questions. I need to be fed some questions. A poorly chosen topic, Amy. She does. She chooses all the topics. I never know what we're going to be talking about. Sorry, sweetie, but you got very good questions. I'm sure that's okay. We'll go into the first one. So it's Giovanna from the United States. My almost three year old who's sort 34 months whenever I discipline her or tell her something she doesn't want or like, she pouts and says, I'd be mad at you. I do tell her that she can be mad, but this is what mommy said. Essentially validating the feeling but not compromising on what's going to happen. Her dad, Norai, have ever threatened her that will be mad or upset with her about anything. So not sure where she got it from, but how do I get her to stop saying that? Or is it just a phase and we'll pass? You're feeding it. If a kid said that to me, I'd say, okay, and then I'd change the subject. So you're feeding it. You're parroting it back to her so she knows it works, right? Because it's got attention. That's all she's doing it for. I'm mad at you or whatever. And then I just say, oh, okay. And then I'm off doing something else or I might just say, okay, do you want to go to the park? Like I wouldn't feed it. I wouldn't repeat it. I wouldn't feed into it at all. And then you think by not feeding it, you think that it'll go away? Well, because it's a feeling. I don't think that, okay, she might be mad. So what was the word mad or what was the word mad? I'd be mad at you. I'd be mad at you. Well, she should be mad at you if you just handed down a consequence for her doing something. She is going to be mad at you. That's okay. So that's why I'm saying, yeah, okay, fine, let's go on. Like it's okay that you're mad. That's fine, but I wouldn't say it. Just go, okay, and then move on to something else. That is sort of validating her. Like it's okay. You can be mad. It's no big deal. I've moved on though. I'm not, you can't pull me into your madness is what I'm saying. Okay, the next one is Elvaro from the United States. 16 month old currently speaking, experiencing the peak of separation anxiety. Baby has had a consistent routine for a year now and both nap and bedtime are interrupted by very loud and scared crying, calling out for mama. What's the best approach? Googling just swarms us with methods and then it lists out a few methods. Well, I don't know what those methods are. So you've got a 16 month old with separation anxiety. Where did you say they're in bed at home? It's sounding like it's nap and bedtime. So nap and bedtime separation anxiety. Well, I would go with the galaxy lights. The sound machines are fantastic. 16 months old. You might even put you telling a story on a recording for them to listen to. But yeah, they're old. I don't know what's going on there really, but I would try those things. So soothing stuff, have them a stuffy that they love, maybe even, you know, you hold it, rub it on your chest or whatever, like the sweat off your chest so they can smell it. Their scent is really important. Yeah. And just maybe you're telling a story in a recording and they're listening to it. Give it a go. I got lots of ideas. That's just a couple I'm throwing out there. Okay. And the next one, by the way, that first answer that I gave, that's going to come back and bite us. And I just know people aren't going to be happy with that one. But the one where I said how you just say, okay, when the kids is I'm mad at you, it'll come up. I'm sure as we go along in this podcast, I'm going to be elaborating on that because it is really important not to feed into that. And the reason I think that's going to bite us in the button. People are going to be mad about that. Is it you mean you're completely ignoring her emotions? I am because I know I did the right thing. I know that she did something naughty. I handed out a consequence. It's over at that point. It's over. That is, that is, it's finished with me. My part in that whole process is done. That's why when she says she's mad, that's her business. That's not my business. I've already validated everything. I've said that was bad. Here's your consequence. And now I'm saying, okay, well, let's go play or something. Right? I'm mad at you. Okay, fine. Let's go read a book. Let's go play. I'm controlling the energy. I've moved on from that. I don't get pulled into all this negative stuff. It's already been dealt with. So a lot of parents think that I'm not validating their feelings. What I'm doing is I'm not validating, validating all the negativity. I'm a positive person by nature. I'm pulling them into my positive world. I want to be in control of the narrative and the energy, which is positive. I don't like to sit in that negative zone for very long. And that's what she's doing. She's trying to pull you into the negative zone and then you're feeding it by talking about it. Does that make it a bit more clear? It does, but I definitely do see where parents could be coming from if they're a fear around that being dismissive. And the difference between saying, okay, with that, but maybe if they're really upset about something and you go, okay, like, where's that line drawn? Yeah, if they were bullied at school and they came home crying and they said, I'm really mad at that kid because they did that, I wouldn't dismiss that. Right? I would say, well, let's talk about it. We'd be talking about that one and I'd be, okay, here's what we can do. When you go to school tomorrow, let's try this or what do you think you can do? You got any ideas? Let's do some role playing. See, that's different. It hasn't been worked through. The first one was already worked through. I'm done with it. It's finished. Yeah, I'm just trying to think. I'm trying to think of how a parent would be listening to this right now. And I know exactly how they're going to listen to this and because I can see where you would think that would be bad. I can get it, but I just, it isn't, it just isn't because it's a context thing. It's something that there's a start, there's a middle and an end and it's done. They're trying to drag you back in and make you feel bad. I don't feel bad about doing the right thing. They're not saying it because they feel awful. They're doing it because they want you to feel bad. I don't feel bad about handing out consequences appropriately. None, no guilt whatsoever. You see what's going on there? They're trying to make you apologize. That's the difference. It's manipulation and it's negativity. I do not go down that road with them. I got to be honest and you and I have talked about this a few times in the last little bit is parenting. I'm going to be honest, it's confusing because there are so many nuances, so many details. And I think as well online is you hear from so many different voices online about one thing's cruel, one thing's mean and they all seem to have a different opinion on like, what's the kind way to approach parenting? What's the not so kind way to approach it? And it can become overwhelming because I feel like as a parent, you could often second guess yourself. 100% and it's fascinating in coaching. It's my favorite thing. I love it. And I'll tell a parent to do something and it's a lot of it is nuances. A lot of it is very subtle nuances. And then I'll say, okay, so they said this and then what did you say? And then they, okay, I said, here's what you should have said next time that happens. Do this. And then they say, yeah, but the same thing happened last week, but you told us to do something different. And I said, no, it's because it was a bed time or there was some little nuance. It's the tiniest little thing sometimes that sets me off on a different path. But with that, if they say they're mad about someone hurting them at school, I would not ignore that. There's no way if they're mad because I just effectively handed out a consequence because they did something naughty. Now they're mad at me. I'm done. It's completed that that door has closed. I am finished with it. See the difference. It actually makes sense if you think about it. Are they mad because something happened to them or are they mad because they actually did something wrong? That's why they're mad. They got caught and there's a consequence. They caused that. Now they're mad at me. I'm not going to be pulled into it. If there's no reason for them to be mad, I can see why they would be until they really understand that they're in control of their own destiny. Right? Like I always used to tell you kids, I said, if your good life is good, if your bad life ain't so good, I'll make sure of it because I'm your mom and that's my job. In other words, if you're good, everything's great. Right? But if you choose to do something naughty, I'll come in with a consequence. They knew that. How did you approach that then as we got older and realize that that, unfortunately, that same mindset doesn't work out in the real world? Well, I always said, you know, like I'll always make sure that when your home, life is fair and reasonable and fun, you know, because we had a lot of laughter. It was a fun household. But when you go out in the world, it's a war zone out there. So don't expect anyone to treat you as fairly or as nicely as I do all the time. I said, that's just not reality. Because they're not your mother. They don't love you like I do. Okay. So you don't ever want to go out in the world and feel like everyone should treat you in a certain way. I said, it's a war zone. You have to earn people's respect out in the world. With me, you're going to get it anyway. It's entitlement at home and not one speck of it when you go out in the world. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my boot camp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. Okay, should go into the next question. Sure. Next one is Deanna from Canada. We have two boys, oldest is two and a half and youngest is one and a half. Our older son has recently been hitting at daycare and at home we've been seeing big reactions around toys and sibling conflict. He was rougher with his younger brother early on, but for the past couple months he's actually been very gentle and regulated. When he takes a toy from his younger brother, we intervene calmly and immediately return the toy and stay consistent. What we're struggling with now is that when the toys returned, our older son has a huge emotional response. So intense tantrums and throwing toys in his path. It feels like a sudden escalation, even though our approach has not changed. We feel aligned as parents and confident in the philosophy we're using, but we're stuck on how to best support our older child's big feelings while still holding firm boundaries and keeping everyone safe. Is this a normal developmental phase for toddlers this close in age? How do we support his emotional regulation after setting a boundary, especially when the behavior shifts from grabbing to explosive reactions? Our oldest is very bright, active, funny, and most of the time kind, and also has a full vocabulary. Everyone always comments on how smart he is. The last two months, we have also done putty training and removed his soother for the nighttime. I'm sure this may have a reason for the outburst, but can't blame all of it. Okay. There's a lot of questions in there. It kind of got lost. All I wrote down was emotional regulation. That's his job, not your job. And you said, how do we handle all of his big feelings? He just wants things his own way. He gets mad when they don't go his own way. You do not need to... Okay. Outbursts, temper, or tantrums, fit scenes, meltdowns, outbursts, whatever you want to call them. It's a loss of emotional control at not getting their own way. As soon as you start going into all the conversations around it, you're feeding it. You're giving it a lot of power. Okay. Just look up. I got tons of videos on tantrums and how you handle them. And you just completely ignore their outbursts. They are not based in big feelings other than they're just mad because they didn't get their own way. You said he's hitting it daycare. I'm assuming they're not coddling him like you are, discussing all of his big feelings whenever he has an outburst. That's what he's after. That's how you're feeding it. Okay. You're coddling him whenever you talk about the big feelings and big emotions around a tantrum. They are just anger and not getting their own way. So I have a whole bunch of videos out there on how you handle tantrums. You do ignore the scene, but as soon as it's done, you connect. Oh, y'all done? Do you want to go read a book or do you want to go to the park? So yeah, you're showing him. I'm going to ignore the crazy and reward the calm. Yeah. It's sort of, uh, it's something that he's only two and a half to, he's still really little. Okay. It takes time. They're not going to outgrow tantrums right away. Usually up until about three, they'll probably still keep having them, but they should diminish in frequency, duration, and, um, what's the other one? Frequency, intensity. That's it. I always, I usually forget duration anyway. I do understand where this parents coming from though, um, with the idea that they're so little, you know, it's two, they're two and a half. And so I can understand the idea of wanting to be there to help them navigate these big feelings, which are very new. Okay. You are helping them navigate. They are looking at you. They're not listening to anything you're saying. They are looking at you. If I'm standing there calm as anything, that is the most common thing you can do for them. Okay. Cause they're going to start mirroring you. If you're, oh, what are you doing? As soon as you start talking to them while they're having a fit, now you're in it. You're part of it. Okay. They're not, they've got nothing to go to. I want them to see me on the high road, the calm road. I want them to join me up there. I'm just waiting. I'm just standing there waiting. That is how you help them emotionally regulate. Here what I just said though, that's how you help them emotionally regulate. You don't do it. They do it. They do it by watching you. It's your calmness that helps them to self-regulate. Okay. We'll go into the next question. I felt like that was really poignant. That's why I said it so slowly. It's so arrogant when people do that, you know, it's sort of like, I've got a really good point here. So you stop and you listen to me. That's, I hate that kind of stuff and I just did it. I, it turns out in editing, I like speed it up. So it's all the same. So everyone's like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? It's another thing. And how we speed it up. Yeah. Anyway, okay. Let's slide it all down. Fun fact is sometimes I do speed up your social media videos and you've had some people be like, can you just not talk so fast? And I'm like, sometimes I speed it up. I don't know anything about that. She's in charge of all the marketing and all that stuff. So I never get involved in any of that. Okay. The next question is Emily from the United States. My three year old son often says that he is sad and doesn't want to be comforted. For example, when dad gets home from work, he won't give dad a hug because he's sad. Maybe he resents that dad has to go to work, but I would expect him to be happy that dad's home. Other times he says he is sad, but can't explain why. And other times he's sad because he doesn't get his way. Usually we just leave him alone until he gets out of it. How would you handle this? Okay. This could be a few different things. I'm just going to go with the fact that he's doing it just to get extra attention. He's trying to sort of, people don't like it when I use this word, but he's kind of trying to manipulate and control. It's kind of a powerful thing. I'm going to go with that's what he's doing. I'm sad. And then he gets all this extra, oh really? Are you? How about we do this? That's what he's after. I'm assuming I'm going to go with that. It could be other things. I don't know. Here's what I would do if he said, I'm sad and it's a regular thing that he does all the time. And I'm assuming it's just a mood he's trying to get attention for. I would just say, oh, well, I'm not. I'm happy. I'm going to go over here and play with magnet tiles. Do you want to join me? No, I'm too sad. Okay, well, I'll just be building. I'd be over and playing with his toys for a while. He will probably join in. He's three. He'll join in. Yeah. So I'm just showing him, you know what? It's okay to be sad. You can be sad, but I'm going to be over here playing. You want to join me? Because it doesn't sound like he needs to work anything through because if he gets himself out of it, but if he does it every single day, I don't know what's going on, but I'm going with cause a lot of kids do this. Oh, I'm sad and the parents want to talk about it. And then the kid does, he's doing it just to get that one-on-one attention. So the kid would get my one-on-one attention, but I'd be off playing with his toys and let him join. Here's the thing. Parents always talk about wanting to have these big discussions around big feelings and emotions. You know where all those discussions happen? They happen while you're playing. That's when stuff comes out. That's when they relax and rather than confrontationally say, what's upsetting you? What's bothering you? I don't talk like that to kids. I start playing and then stuff comes out. I'm right there. They know they've got my full attention because we're playing, right? That's when the big feelings and emotions come out. If there's something they want to talk about and I'm sitting there playing blocks with them, it'll come out. Do you want to go into another reason why or do you want to keep it there? Well, I don't know. I mean, and you said maybe it's because dad's working and but I don't know. I'd have to ask too many questions. That's the problem with that. Did he just, was he in daycare all day and he's just trying to transition into being home? I don't know. It could like, I don't know their situation. I don't know their routine. That's why I can't really even guess. It could be a million different things. Maybe he's car sick and you just drove home from somewhere and he's car sick. That could be it. I can imagine too as a parent that must not feel great hearing that your kids sad. Yeah, but you'd find out pretty quick if he's truly sad or if he's just like, that's the way you find out. Well, you say, okay, well, you can be sad. That's okay, but I'm going to be over here playing blocks. You can join me if you want. Now that feeds both of that. If he is truly sad, that might help cheer him up. If he, and also he'll end up telling you why he's sad. It's the best way to get information out of a kid to start playing with them. You talk about that, that that really is from your perspective, that's their world. It's their world. They feel safe in that world and they know they've got you. Once I plant myself down on the floor playing blocks, they know they've got me. They've got my full attention and I start playing and it's non-confrontational. Like it's like whenever you pick kids up coming home from school, what'd you do today? Nothing. They always say that in the car, right? And then you get home and then we did that and then we did that. And you said they did not, we did nothing, you know, but anyway, so that's just the way it is. They start to relax and their brain just goes into a different zone. It relaxes and then stuff comes out. It comes out in a more productive way too. You know, they'll start to get to the root of it, right? And then you just keep playing. Don't be real. Don't sort of sit back and go, okay, well, let's talk about it. Just keep playing. Let them talk. That's, you know, whenever people do and I can't really quote this, so I shouldn't say, but let's say you'll see a movie and they'll might be a movie where they've got a child psychologist working with a child who's been traumatized. Did they just sit in a chair across from that child and ask them questions? That would be ridiculous. They don't. They sit down, they get the kid drawing or coloring or playing with blocks. There's a reason for that. And that's because they talk when they relax and they relax when they play because play is their love language. And you know, it's interesting because I people get mad whenever I say you don't validate all their feelings. I kind of am because I play really hard with kids. Kids have told me. I've had, I've worked with tons of kids and teenagers and they say, I've told you more than I've told anybody. It's because I know how to connect with them and it's the connection, the play, the showing an interest in their life. That is what opens them up. You know what I think it is? I just think that you, this is my opinion is I think you do validate feelings, but you don't approach it in the way that a lot of people do. That's very true. Yeah. I didn't even think about it that way because connecting is validating their feelings connecting. Remember their love language is playing fun. So once you're playing and having fun with them, that's when stuff comes out. It's unbelievable what kids have told me just when we're playing or coloring. Unbelievable. But I think that when you get asked that question, your mind doesn't hear validate feelings. Your mind hears sit down and try and discuss everything with them. Geez. Yeah. That's you. It's horrible. Yeah. I think that's very true. It's funny. We just figured that out. I do validate all their feelings, but not in the way that most people talk about it probably. Because yeah, playing. Yeah. That's how I get to them is I show an interest in their world. I'm in their world. They've got my full attention and they know it. Plus once they start opening up to me, I don't go, oh my God, and what happened then? I just go, yeah, that would be for, I just show empathy and understanding. Right. But I don't, I don't stop what I'm doing either. I don't put the blocks away and then go, no, tell me more. It's too confrontational. I've worked with a lot of kids who've been abused. So that's where I kind of figured this all out and, but it works with any kid, right? Or anyone. You know, like there, there's this saying, I can't remember what it is. It's a really old one. Something about needle worker embroidery. The ladies used to sit around a table embroidering. And whereas what they realized was when they were just sitting around having a cup of tea, they wouldn't talk about things, but you get their hands busy, get them embroidering and all sorts of stuff would come out. They'd talk about all sorts of things they were going through. So get their hands busy doing and they're looking down at something. They're not looking right at you. Right. So it's quite interesting. So I use that technique with all the kids I worked with. I've also heard that were if you go on like a walk with a friend because you're not looking at each other, it's a little bit less confrontational. Well, with my kids, I won't get too personal here, but we talked about sex and everything. It was usually done in the car because we're driving our eyes are forward. And so most of our really deep conversations happened in the van, you know, driving along, right? So yeah, think about it. It's not confrontational. They know they're going to be able to escape soon enough. So I mean, dropping them off at school soon. But yeah, so think about it. I do that. It's true. I do validate feelings just not the way it's talked about. I hate that. Wushy way they talk about it. Oh, tell me about your feelings and use your words and all that patronizing garbage that is not going to pull out what you want from kids. I also just want to make that disclaimer. You're not a therapist. You're not a psychologist. Your parent. No, no, no, I'm just this is just kids taught me all this. I figured out how to get to kids. It's by showing an interest in them and playing with them and they'll tell you anything. Right. They told me stuff. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how well this worked to be. And I learned this when I was a teenager. So and I was actually probably 12 when I learned this. I thought, wow, if I sit down and play with kids, they'll tell me everything. It was fascinating. I always found kids fascinating. That's why I do this. Okay. The next one is Amanda from the United States. My daughter is two. We were at a mummy and me dance class and they pulled out a tumbling mat and tumbling ramp. My daughter kept wanting to climb up the ramp while the other kids were coming down. She could not wait in line for her turn. So she started crying when I would not let her do what she wanted. I left with her out of the room and she was crying in the waiting room to go back into class. I left and took her home. Was this the best thing to do? I felt embarrassed when I brought her into the waiting room and she was crying. Everyone was staring at me. Um, sorry, but you see that everywhere you go. You're not alone. Two year olds are nuts. Right. They're just going to do stuff. I don't want to be taken out. And then you take her out and then she cries and take her back in. Then she cries. I would probably just pull her over to a corner and not even look at her talk to her and just be clapping my hands to the other kids dancing. Right. Or I to be honest, what would I have done? You already know what I would have done. What would you have done? I would have gone over and started dancing without her. Yeah, you probably wouldn't see. And I wouldn't get any eye contact. She can come over and join me. I paid for this dance class. I'm dancing. You can join in or not. So and plus it never bothered me if my kids were upset or caught, you know, cause I just thought that's just kids. You're going to see this everywhere you go. They're just two. They're just forming. They might even stick their hands down their pants and smear poop on the wall. You can't figure two year olds out. Don't worry about it. She'll survive. She'll watch you dance. Having a good time. She'll start to feel like she's missing out and she'll join in or she can just sit there and cry for a while. But that's okay. That's okay. She's only two. She's little. Amanda, all I can say is I used to teach gymnastics for this age and you're not alone. I saw this all the time from parents and there was no judgment on my end. The only time you're staring is there's not much else to do right? Sitting around in a waiting room. So yes, entertainment. So I don't think it's even judgment. It's just entertainment. Like why not look? And you know, whenever I see a mom struggling with a kid having a tantrum, I always say the same thing. I just look at them and I laugh and I say, been there. Like no big deal. It's no big deal. Okay. The next question is Michelle. My daughter is four. We have an issue of her refusing to do cultural greeting in our Filipino culture. I take youth her to grab the hand of the elderly relatives, lift a forehead and get blessed, which I have practiced with her how to bless her grandparents. There has been someone on blues clues who's demonstrated this on his show. But my daughter says that he doesn't want to grab their hand. It literally takes a second to do this greeting. How do I go about this? It's important for her to do this because we have a holiday in the Philippines this year. For example, arriving at a party with all the aunties and uncles, my family and I have to go around the whole room and bless all of the elderly relatives. My husband and I, who are both Filipino, have asked her so many times. Sometimes we've gotten frustrated and angry with her because she refuses. Okay. I'm not into forcing manners on kids at all, but I have clients all over the world and your culture is very important to you. So I totally respect that. I might put that on the behavior board. I might, and I would force her to do that, to be honest. If it's culturally very, what are the cultural expectations for her age? If they say, oh, by five or six, maybe, but if it's okay at four that they don't do that, but I do respect other cultures, religions and all that stuff. So yeah, she's going to have to learn if your culture is very important to you and that her age is very important that she does it. There's two ways you can do it. You can either have incentive so you can reward her every time she does it. You say you'll get one chocolate chip for every time you do it with someone. Okay. Whatever you're doing, taking their hand or whatever. Or you can do it the other way. And you say, you know, if you don't, there'll be a consequence when we get home or whatever. So you can try both ways. But I totally respect the fact that's your culture. And if the expectations are that a four year old respects that, then yes, I would definitely, you know, take action with that. If not, if it's more of a gray area, well, she's just little. I might let it go. Okay. We have one final question. So Tessa from the United States, three kids, oldest is nine. I fear that I've raised what you like to call quote unquote self entitled little snowflakes with mental health issues. My question is, how do I reverse this? My kids are used to giving in for me giving in pretty much everything. Even when I say no to something, I will eventually change my answer or get so mad that I yell. I know enough is enough and I want to turn around. How would I tell them that things are about to change and that they're in for a rude awakening now that I'm not going to give in? What age would you start doing this reversal? Or what would you do to start this reversal so that I don't have spoiled children that think they are owed the world? Okay. What a horrible thing to say about kids snowflakes with mental health issues. I say that all the time. Every time I say it, I think, God, that's awful. But anyway, we will have a sidebar conversation after you finish this. Okay. I'm just trying to get my point across. That's why I say it. Okay. What you do is you don't say you've got a rude awakening coming. Do not say that because it makes it sound like it's their fault. Okay. You've got a rude awakening coming, kiddos. It makes it sound like it's their fault. What you do is you say to them, we messed up. We spoiled you. We are bad. We, we, we, we were bad. I would, okay. I don't know how spoiled they are. They didn't go into it. I would almost do it in phases. I might say, okay, because every time we go out, we get you a chocolate bar. From now on, you're only going to get one per week when we go out. And you decide ahead of time what day that's going to be. You might start there. Make it fair. So, but blame yourself. Do not make it sound like they were to blame for that because they worked. You, you raised them that way. And that's okay. A lot of my clients, a lot of my clients have a lot of money and they spend a lot of it on their kids and their kids are very spoiled and very entitled. And this is often how we do it. Sometimes we'll, we'll sort of rip the rug right out from under them. Depends on the age and what's going on. But if it's, if it's lots and lots of things every single day, I would sort of wean them off and just say, look, we messed up. We don't want to spoil you anymore. Bad, bad on us. So here's the plan and then bring them in on it. Let them know. Cause you don't want to raise self entitled snowflakes with mental health issues. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions, but I think that this brings up the better. So the other day I wrote one of the email newsletters and I put in the word kid. Oh, fascinating. You changed it to child, which I really appreciate that you're looking them over and because I take her, I take her content and I make them into the email newsletters and I get her to review it to make sure it's actually like what she would, what message she wants to portray. I didn't think anything was wrong with the word kid and it probably because you sprays like self entitled snowflakes. Maybe I just didn't think kid was that bad, but you have an opinion about that. Yeah, I didn't like to use it. Now also, because when I'm talking, it's, it's different, but when it's the written word, it comes across differently. So, and it wasn't that child hadn't done anything wrong. I don't think see the child hadn't done anything wrong. I don't think, but it was just like, oh, and then you tell your kid this whenever you, it was just the context it was used in. It sounds like kid sounded almost deflamatory or like the kid was having a tantrum in the email. Oh yeah. And then you said to the kid and I changed it to child. It's just a gentle way of talking about them, which doesn't sound like me at all. I know. And I talk about kids and all that kid, but if it's, and then you tell your kid this, no, it's, then you tell your child this, it's subtle, but you get it now though. It was a little bit, the word kid sounds almost like when they're naughty, you call them a kid, you know, like, oh, that kid, oh, that kid. If they're really naughty and they're annoying you, you go, oh, that child, it's more like the kid is sort of using that. It was just the context it was in such a small thing. I rarely, maybe once every hundred emails, will I make a change? And she was shocked that I changed that. She even called me to ask me about it. It was interesting. Just interesting, especially after this question about, well, because I'm so, I have no filter, but I'm still very particular about the way I talk. I don't know. There is something about the written word. It comes across so different. It just comes across differently. Yeah, it does. And the humor doesn't tend to come across like I'm very sarcastic and the humor doesn't tend to come across in writing as much. Not at all. Okay. Well, that was everything for the questions. Do you have anything else you'd like to say about the topic? I got to be honest. I think we made a real turnaround here with that validating feelings. I do, but I do it through play. That I'm so upset that I didn't think of that late earlier. Did you come up with that? You probably did. I do validate all their feelings. It's just, I don't discuss it in this mini therapy session way. It's ridiculous. It's all down through play. And with teenagers, a lot of times we're just playing video games or playing music, talking about the song and they start talking. It's amazing what comes out. I never just say, oh, what are you upset about? I might say that once in a while, but that's not the goal there. That's not the goal. It's like, hey, do you want to go get some ice cream or something? And then on the way home, they're eating ice cream and everything comes flying out. Right? That's how I handled you guys. Handled. Okay. Handled those kids. Okay. So I do validate feelings evidently. I've always been saying, I don't, it's just a different way of doing it. Okay. So is that it, sweetie? That was everything. Okay. Thanks so much for joining us. 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