Spade & Kelly Osbourne Split?! + Jack Reacher Fights & SNL UK

Come here you little f***ing c*** Come on you want some of this? Who does that to Jack Reacher? Who goes up to him and goes, Think you're top? That goes to Ryde Alba The kidney is ruptured His knees are sharp The femur is snapped They're saying Bust Boys is a lot like Casablanca Just as far as like longevity and how important it is Between you and Theo which one's Bogart? Humphrey Bogart which one's... Wow Which one's Ingrid Burton? Did you see a porn called The Longest Winner? Weiner made it in the chat Boom So this is episode 941 and you are... Have taken a page from me I've swapped out But you have a short sleeve black t-shirt on My last check I've worn a short sleeve black t-shirt 78% of the time 1200 episodes Look at I got a cool hat too but I didn't wear it because it was black and I'm like You know what I'm gonna rough it with my hair and uh These people don't deserve another hat I'm just gonna rough it But the black t-shirt is very rare for me What happened? Well I do like them but I always feel like you've cornered that market So I said I gotta fluff it up with green blue, indigo, violent, Roy Gabiv What's Roy Gabiv? Roy Gabiv that is light blue and orange mixed together to make a easy... Don't ever ask and... What? It's the colors of the rainbow Usually you have... Well usually you have a Roy Gabiv You have kind of a little golf shirt and I'm just saying it's cute I'm not saying it's feminine that's ridiculous But it has a little collar and it has a little puffed out sleeves Little puff Yeah I mean it's adorable This is a man This is Steve McQueen This is Brad Pitt in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood I'm obviously going to change my carburetor I tried to change my alternator on my 70... No 62 Volvo when I was starting out I had to go to pick apart You know what that is? That's a... Absolutely That's a place in Arizona where they have all these old trash cars and you give them like five bucks to go in and then you bring your old... Your own tools and you go find an alternator and you go... And you take it out and then you walk up and put it on the scale like and then they go... She's worth about 25 And so you can find some good shit My gas cap was so cool on my old Volvo that everyone kept stealing it And my stick shift had a knob on it that was chrome and it got stolen within minutes That's a lovely story You know what? Let's save that You fucker God dang it I should have saved that for sweeps You prick You prick The lock is loaded Wake up Dana You can't beat the snoozer I'm getting your alarm clock $1.99 on Amazon Anyway we'll revisit this We're gonna make the whole episode of this but... Oh yeah I know we had mixed reviews on the YouTube comment Maybe a bit too much Here's a character I auditioned for in a movie but I didn't get it Because I did different breathing than this Tell me who it is Oh it's the astronaut Bowman in the movie 2001 trying to get the how to open the bathroom door Or the podway door Darth Vader Oh Darth Vader Here's you having a sandwich That's a good one I've downloaded what I did I used AI to... You and your fucking AI All your sound effects and I downloaded this little machine So now your sound effects are my sound effects Did you see what I was doing? I was fake chewing and that was the noise you were doing was good It was good matching Yeah that's one of your little hooks Which was really funny The first 900 times It was pretty funny the second 3000 No but listen My little noises are gonna be replaced by AI and I'm really scared Everything's gonna be replaced by AI I went yesterday I actually... I keep a diary and I went a minute and a half not saying the word AI Or the phrase AI yesterday Is that... Oh is that how... You say a lot around the house? AI? Well AI's gonna supplant that AI will do your dishes AI robots will be AI driven and they'll steal Poor Paula They'll find his Volvo David's Volvo and some junkie They'll redo it and a robot will drive up and deliver it to Poor Paula That's all you heard finally Shit I gotta get a good one Emergency Emergency podcast notification Oh that's good Emergency Breaking news Here's one that sounds like Sandler Why you know has friends Doesn't that sound like Sandler? It's right close it's very close Why you know has friends Why you know has friends Why you know has friends Wa ba Okay wait speaking of tough Did you see that? Wait speaking of tough Did you see that this dude that plays Jack Reacher who is a Frickin monster I know Knocked out his neighbor I'm like who is fighting Jack Reacher? Who on God's green earth? Who gets in front of Jack Reacher's little motorcycle He's having fun on a cul-de-sac and goes Stop it motherfucker I mean who does that to Jack Reacher? Who goes up to Jack Reacher and goes Whoa whoa whoa Whoa whoa whoa Who does this to Jack Reacher? Come here you little Fucker come on you want some of this Who does that to Jack Reacher? Who goes up to him and goes You think you're tough? Just because you're 6'9 Yeah You think you're tough because you play the toughest fucking animal 6'9, 3'20 You don't want any piece of this Trust me You think you're tough? I'll snap your neck I don't care if you're 7'3, 4'0, 4'0 I'll make it so you can't reach for anything Reacher You reach her I break her And Tom Cruise played the character of Reacher in a movie I know that was a big discussion Tom Cruise is always good though because His commitment is harder than any human in acting He commits If he wants to be 6'9 he is And because Jack Reacher I guess it was a common point He's just some bigger than life guy And then when Tom Cruise did it They had to adjust the dialogue Like this huge dude came in here He must have been 5'4 He was knocking everybody out He's not 5'4 I don't know Let's at least be honest He's throwing out numbers I don't know No He's Tom Cruise man I mean I'm just such a fan Because he truly risks his life to entertain me And so if someone's gonna do that He's like Evil Knievel With chicken acting class Yeah I love Evil Knievel had no plan They said that when he came in the booth Before Wild World of Sports He's like he's got a dart in his mouth And like a you know Miller Lighty He's like what are we doing today man I'm hungover like you're jumping like 15 buses He's like I know All right keep the camera on me when I fucking wreck I know and what about the branding of the name Evil Knievel That was his 9th choice And some of the back circus things He was known as Cruel Ken And it never took off Cruel Ken is now going to climb over a Volkswagen bug And eventually it was Evil Knievel versus the Grand Canyon Ornery Orney Orney Adams I know he's the only Orney I know The comedian Evil Knievel was uh looked cool Sar sort of took a page at Elvis's big collar Sort of The colonel sued him In blue Yeah Oh did they sue him for that I made that up Oh it sounds like it could happen Yeah but it was that white jump seat thing He looked so cool Yeah Red, white, and blue And then Yeah in front of the uh Caesars Palace or something with a ramp He's going to jump 20 school buses And a lot of times he'd fall and break like nine bones And and And everyone wanted I know he's okay He'd wave you know on this poor He wiped out so bad at Caesars And it was a slow motion And it was literally like Miza Brutertape It was a Brutertape Because he hit and he's like Ooh And then he like flies up and then the handlebars twist And he's like what Because he had to land on like a dime He had to land and then stop before there's some Big you know pillars and center blocks Yeah and they had Jim McKay or Howard Cosell Commentating it Here he comes Evil Knievel going to Drump 49 And Howard Cosell used to he was an emergency room doctor Before he was an announcer So when he went down in slow motion and then goes the clavicle Then goes the right elbow The kidney is ruptured His knees are sharp The femur is snapped Ankle twisted ego bruised I know what people know from our generation Howard Cosell Sports Announcer was the greatest Because he would burst forward and down goes Frasier Down goes Frasier And then he was incredibly sophisticated The panessifications of the indefo-flossals The B The B The G You know the champ They do know because our average age of our viewers is 100 Which helps I found out yesterday I was reading I asked AI and they said 99.2% listened to this podcast And yet we're out here dancing with our donuts We have a very wide-ranging fan base Let me tell you one other story It's a growing fan base I saw on Instagram everyone tagged me of course No offense to this dude I don't want people to say I look like people And it's never like you know Tom Cruise It's always like hey you look like this guy that's you know a junkie down at the junkyard So this guy and I hate to say I kind of agree with this one Oh wait a junkie at the junkyard Was that a settler? Okay go ahead That should be a show Junkie at the junkyard I'm the junkie at the junkyard Junkyard This Michael writes a song So here's a picture if they have it Kelly Osborn breaks up with her fiancé I couldn't care less about that story All I could have my eyes on was the guy that looks like me as a fucking magician Do you have that in there? If not we'll find it Oh I'll wait I had a weird photo thing too Actually just google it Kelly Osborn break up with Spade looking Dude with a flat top The guy who started OnlyFans passed away And then in Daily Mail there's a big picture of us together No with you? Yeah with me and him Look it up Look at this fucking Spade guy Wait a minute That Are people saying that? Yeah They're saying that Well it's the mullet What do you think Heather? A little bit The crickets agree Listen Also they're saying you look exactly like Kelly Osborn Now that's the part that Oh I don't have a dress like that That's the tell She's got your exact skinny shoulders They're getting a little more built up lately I'll just put news flash All right forget this story Let's talk about Dana and the OnlyFans guy Can we get that picture? Is that true? It was in Daily Mail The gentleman who passed away I don't remember meeting him But he started OnlyFans The gentleman from Kentucky And here's the gentleman from OnlyFans And here come the women who make money on OnlyFans I know they were all giving their sad quotes Like what happened to this I couldn't be naked You got jealous of my stripes last week Remember you and him Look I'm vaguely familiar to last week's show Somebody did the wash Look Don't be mad of my boxy gap long sleeve t-shirt With sleeve elements You look like Doc Ock When you stick your arms out like that Whoops sorry Not only tigers get out of their cages Whoops So Well you look tough You don't look like Jack Reacher You should fight Jack Reacher Hey Keep it down Pip squeak I do understand the guy was trying to Tell him don't rev the motorcycles in the neighborhood But you just don't say it to him Well you got There was no charges They just sort of shook hands They're still neighbors I think the guy kind of Took a punch of Jack Reacher Yeah I think it's a flex at every poker game You know Tell us that story about how you took on that Jack Reacher guy Who by the way does have an actual name we should say And we should have him on this show Well that's how I want to hear how he knocked that dude out Because the guy's like Oh you're the guy that took the punch in one second Went down in a millisecond Why I just it looks scary Yeah I think they didn't press charges because It was just out of embarrassment too there Oh yeah did you keep up with SNL has a UK Show Uh huh Yeah I just watched the Mon Lung Our friend of the show With an American Tina Fey Tina Fey From America Um I saw some some sketches I thought they were good I don't know Oh you saw sketches okay good Yeah there was clips Yeah We didn't really talk about this when it came out But when it was announced But I was thinking It is interesting SNL over there And they can swear That was one new thing Yes I just said They can swear Tina Fey dropped an F bomb up front It's funny to hear Tina say it I know because I don't see her using that in real life much She doesn't She's not She doesn't have a Tina does not have a potty mouth That's enough Oh here she is Oh here she is Oh she's with the cast Who it's funny This could be Metallica This I don't you know There's a cast where Since I'm not from I don't know one person It's just random It's just like SNL So random until you start to get to know them But I saw her mono And it was good And they had Graham Norton come up They were smart They front loaded it with some uh Because everyone knows the ratings go down Over the length of the shows So the long log and the cold open And the scene by the most After update there's a big drop off But uh I think they had an update Did they have did they have that or Do you know Yes they did You know I think that you kind of When you're doing comedy in America And London New York London You want to be able to work across the pond So when you go across the pond You call it the Atlantic Ocean I call it the pond You go across the pond Your joke will work across the pond And work in reverse the other way But what's interesting It's all over the world Lauren wants to have an SNL in every country Bulgaria next Yeah Bulgaria Krasnasi Boudoubi It's Sudadadadaka Poor Atwa host And I think it's Kloy from Berlin Germany Yeah I He Uh oh I might go to Europe this summer I'll tell you why later but I might And I don't really travel a lot I used to I like This is uh Timothy Chalamet's house We I visited I recorded us playing ping pong Oh I thought that was a drop of water No it is a drop of water It is? Yeah It's not that I ping pong You're right Here's how some of your stories Come across That's your Wi-Fi where you live All right here is um Here is during your act The audience So gnar Here's what You they can't get you off the stage They use this You just stand up Don't don't Oh yeah people said It's too loud when you do those Oh too loud really Oh yeah Well this is This weighs like two ounces I know but it packs an AI punch Packs a Jack Reacher Did you know Oh you don't know much about this bachelorette It's kind of played out by this point But it happened right after our last taping Let me hear the juices And so much to to catch you up on And if I do it on my own You stay on top of the Zygis You've got your finger on the pulse Well I know but You are on Daily Mail And that's usually where these things pop up It's a lady Frankie Paul Thomas Anderson Now Frank Taylor Frankie Paul Three first names of dudes No Taylor's a girl's name So she was on Secret Lives of Mormon Wives right Where their big story was They had some soft swinging The number one show in the world by some metrics is the Off the Res Mormon Wives Going at it Well it's huge You know because there's so much My uh the girl that goes on the road with me and opens Elena Hershey She uh she was Mormon until she was I think 30 She's tried 33 now Anyway she has great stories And I said do more of that in your act Because that's what's riveting about that show The soaking All these terminologies they use Also that they soft swing and they Soft swing means What does that mean? Shenanigans It means they can swap Wives Don't they have a thing or is it the Amish Where they let the young people at 18 or 19 Go out into a society for two Or the Amish Go out in society for two years Get drunk suck and bop dup Or whatever Do everything Yeah go crazy for two years And then come back Is it the Amish or the Amish or is that the Mormons? It's the Amish that do rum spring I think And it I don't know what they can do But I don't think they let them do all that They can They can get on an iPhone for 10 minutes Because they don't have electricity So that's fine No I think they get to go nutty It sounds like Maybe Well the Mormon Wives So this this woman was like one of the standouts So because it's in collusion with ABC and all the Oh They said why don't you be the next Bachelorette But it's the first time they had a Bachelorette that had Kids I think because she had Two baby daddies and three kids Huh So she comes over there and all these guys come on to fight for And they had a preliminary episode where she met with old Bachelorettes They all gave her advice And then the season was starting And an old tape of her fighting with one of her baby daddies Popped up And they yanked the whole bachelor They used to yanked it off the air The whole Bachelorette And I And I think that's the first time But in the video the real incriminating part was The guy is holding his camera By the way stop fighting with someone they're filming you But he's holding it like this and she's like choking him and Then she runs over there and grabs a chair That was the big problem And he said don't throw your daughters over here She throws it anyway So what happens is people say you can't do that When your kid's right there And I think the chair Have you ever watched the companion series Behind the Scenes at the Bachelorette? No, go ahead Yeah, because you see some of the producers come up between takes Okay, could you be a little more angry? You really give it to him You know, you're it's not reading And then the girl's like I'm just not really mad at him I really like him Yeah, that's good That's not what we need right now You've got you you've got to be mad And pick up a chair and we're gonna have We're gonna try it Bring in the stunt guy We're gonna so we're gonna throw it so it won't really hit him But we're gonna get a lot of drama Have you seen those shows? I have and also But and the chair is made of Lego It's made of Lego No one's getting hurt It's made of sponges There's a bigger issue with that I'm sure you know What's up? That they immediately pull her show But then there's a lot of like There's so many other big platforms that people are on That have charges of domestic violence and everything But they're still allowed to Play football Do this do that But oh right the domestic violence That's probably they mean the NFL where they don't get Right Yeah, I mean I think they stop the bachelorette For right now they're probably deciding and having these discussions going Is it gone for good? Because they're like what do we do? We're gonna get in trouble either way Because there's arguments to say well that By the way the tape was from three years ago So they're like well Did they already see that tape? They must have seen it if it's this easy to surface So what's the takeaway? I don't know I know I sometimes That it's corrupt or Tell the whole story Angry It's just a big story I thought it's so big No it's ha It's a stupid story that everyone goes out But something to do to distract themselves from real life That's all life is basically Just trying to distract yourself I watched a documentary with my wife last night Um Ingrid Bergman the actress Who was in Casablanca and so forth and so on Okay Her life story is very interesting Ingrid Bergman They're saying bus boys is a lot like Casablanca Just as far as like longevity and how important it is Between you and Theo which one's Bogart Humphrey Bogart which one's Which one's Ingrid Bergman Is there a Spencer Tracy in that movie or not? No But he was in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde With Ingrid Bergman Ingrid Bergman There is? Yeah What if I told you I didn't see Casablanca? I'd say I'd say you're you're drawing Casablancas right now I'm drawing Casablanca I am What if I said I didn't see What's an important movie you didn't see? I didn't see Gone With the Wind I mean we're going way back But Gone With the Wind is interesting because now on If you see it on Amazon I think if you rent it or whatever There's like a whole warning There's a warning that says these are actors pretending it's not actual slavery I can't tell you that much Yeah And it goes on and on and you may be triggered It's 90 years ago about 90 years earlier But anyway yeah I think that's a It depends if you're a filmophile I mean you're more of a hit and run You're like a Gomer pile You know you're like more of I Dream of Genie A hayseed Yeah or in the modern era you're a bachelorette this and that But have you seen All the President's Men? I'll give you a pop quiz All the President's Men Love it Oh good Three Days the Condor With Faye Donaway maybe Yeah It's I remember in the movie theaters in Arizona and I was like I want to see it I knew I wouldn't understand it And I didn't My dad took me one of the three movies in my life He took me he was fucking goodbye Mr. Chips And I love movies and I was like 1970s I don't know how long this one Yeah as a little kid Yeah Did you ever see The Longest Day? I saw the longest yard Longest Day is about D-Day That's pretty cool Did you see a porn called The Longest Weiner? Weiner made it in the chat Boom I only saw it but the sound went out And we had to read subtitles So it just wasn't as good What's The Longest Day? That's not the UFO one No that's a black and white movie With every movie star at the time 1962 And the whole fun of it as a little kid was like The Germans got binoculars And they're looking out When are the allies going to attack? Shaosti va tak und i witsa You see in the sub-times They're like they'll never attack today No big deal And then he goes like this And there's like a billion ships right there Ah Oh he went back to it He went back to it And all of a sudden they emerged So that's kind of stuff Did you ever see Jason the Argonauts? I asked Tom Hanks this Yeah is that the one that looked kind of fake But they were like Yeah but it's great I liked it Very cool I saw that on Saturday morning Now let's go to 2025 Do you know they're speaking of looking They're putting 125 speeding cameras in Atlanta So careful when you come into town Dana I know how you like that lead foot Ah yeah You know what is kind of one of the perks Of being a side-liberty The last three times It's only happened over a period of many years I'm going to get mad And the last time I was going up this highway I was supposed to go I was probably you know I've got a car with a pretty big engine You got those pipsqueak cars And I just was lead footed And I was whoop whoop whoop You know and I just come around And one time I got a guy Looked at me And I'm not that recognizable Unless I'm dressed as Garse Which I do go to malls sometimes You have it in the glove compartment You have the glasses and wig Yeah But anyway he just wanted a pitcher And autograph Hell yeah And I didn't get a ticket It's unfair He should have ticketed me Because I was pretty drunk But he put God Good God He's got a lot of edge to him I like it Yeah I've gotten off And I've also gotten tickets So But I don't like the kind like that Because I get they're trying to It's an easy money grab But it is It's supposed to make things safer Which I understand But if they're going like It should say over like 15 miles an hour over Or 20 Because that's the dangerous ones But I think every single person Is going a little over But they just take it and send it to you You don't even know None's the wiser Yeah you kind of know If it's if the speed limits 65 you can go 74 safely Yeah And they're not gonna This is in town So if it's 25 You're going 35 I would say in And I've driven to New York And I've driven everywhere man I've driven everywhere And when you're in west Hollywood Hollywood area And you're at these giant intersections Let's say Santa Monica and La Cienega And people hit 70 And you know they're coming You're gonna make a left And you know now it's orange Now it's red If you try to jump it Those intersections are death traps I'm just saying it Sure I got plowed You got you got t-bone I got t-bone bad at one Red light runner When they floor it Is that's when it's dangerous You don't floor it through a yellow or a red Right just to get through it And then and then you add in Homeless guy who's just wandering in the Out in the intersection And you're looking He's gonna get hit He's gonna get hit You know Oh I just missed him It's exciting down there You should come to my farm Oh no there's a chicken He's gonna get hit There's a new term They're not using anymore Called I didn't think they still used this Geriatric pregnancies That was on the news today Oh okay Define that for me I think it's A woman can have a baby now At 70 or something I think it's lower than that And that's why they said Why are we calling Why would anyone ever call a pregnancy Geri I didn't know there was even a term How about Oh that's lucky You got pregnant when you were 44 or whatever Like that's instead of There you doing okay with your geriatric Geriatric sounds 80 I know Well it's interesting how men can Can be in their 80s and have babies With women in their 20s Just something really fun about it And interesting It's something very jizzy What's that What the It said funding Fun? That was me being sarcastic You know what you always do Let me ask you this question When someone Some guy, older guy has a baby with somebody You always I immediately think How old will the guy be When the baby is a senior in high school Am I the only one who does that So you had 18 Everyone does I think definitely the mom does it Yeah so You think of an 83 year old Being a new dad 93 So when the kids It'll be 98 when the kids in high school Right because I think Pacino He just had a kid probably a couple years ago And oh yeah Maybe two years ago What a baby Oh yeah Oh I see him perfectly A baby Oh what you gonna do Look at this Look at the kid I swear to God I'm on a babysitter Once a year Once a year He's probably done yet That's a good I love Alpha Chino Can we have him on the podcast I would love it I ran into him Two weeks ago I see him sometimes out and about How I don't know I saw him at some kind of restaurant once Yeah We locked eyes Then he looked away All right if that's enough about your week We will talk about the stories in the news But you might have more week stuff Well we have some news coming up But it'll really happen in July One of our horses is gonna have a baby How old's the dad horse? Too old Well it's different in the horse world They have the stud And there's the stud is just in the valley And the stud has sex with 200 mares And then the more dopey normal horses Just look around and go Can I get some of that shit? Share the wealth Yeah so it's kind of like just You know We got one horse named DiCaprio And he gets all the girls Well it would be more like the Reacher guy And we gotta get his name This is rude I can't just call him the Reacher guy Alan something Alan Riker Riker Ritcher Is it Rickman? That's another actor He's probably coming on So we gotta get it right Jack Reacher who plays him We're so stupid We're the lamest Slowest Or the best and the fastest No we're the best Fuckin Do you have any Jack Longer's Alan How do you say it Rich Son Oh boy Or ATCHFON Oh Alan Rich I mean she's saying I don't buy it Oh I got a feel good story I'll tell you real quick And then I'll do the stories This was from this morning I'm not doing one of your dumb sound effects I'm doing a real sound effect I've laid off of it for a while This dude I gotta say his name Okay Lucas Tobi's down at a This is an LA Look he's a surf teacher I think Anyway Feel good story Dana On the beach I'm excited Yeah He's on the pier like watching some students Whatever Little girl screaming In a riptide The dad's going out to get her The dad can't really handle a riptide Immediately goes in in his clothes Heavy clothes Trio you know riptides You know the story You're supposed to swim sideways It's hard to remember that You can't Yeah you can't You can't fight it Can't fight it And you can't try to come in You'll get too tired And it'll pull you out of the ocean This is one of the reasons Honestly I don't go in the ocean When I hear riptide Couldn't be scarier So you swim sideways along the shore Sounds easy You're probably getting pulled out quietly And then you get to where you can swim in Because the riptides are It happened to me once Yeah LA beach Santa Monica beach And you got caught in a ripper Well we're both in a ripper And we're trying to go in And in the lifeguard it's just like this You know go horizontal Touch down Go to the right Yeah so we did it and we survived And it worked That's That's very tough Yeah So yeah you get kind of tired Because you're sort of adrenalized Oh for sure Riptide I used to go body surfing San Diego All the idiots from Arizona went out there For two weeks We'd stay in Lucadia And they hated us The locals did But you know we put some money in the economy We'd stand by the motel And buy shrooms off people So we were helping Buy some low-mose And then But we'd go out there And I could just body surf Without thinking about it And tread water for 45 minutes and surf I could not do it I got a build Could you float on your back? I got to build it up again I got to start I think because my neck I could tread water in a pool And then just build the strength up But if you can float on your back You could last a long time I don't think I can float But anyway the guy grabbed the daughter Then but you know people start fighting When they're panicking So they weren't panicking too bad He's like just don't panic Because he goes I was panicking He goes I'm in my clothes The water's freezing I'm like this wasn't the plan Anyway take some to the side Not all the way into the side A little jetty Look it up educate yourself Toward the jetty And then that's from Tina's Model I got to send out They kept saying educate yourself So brought them in everything's fine Okay That's the whole story I love your aquatics tales That's a good story Because it's a feel good Danny even though you don't feel good Right now but you should Because you should be like You know what there's some good out there You know push come to the shove Give me a flat Flat Kind of temperate mountain lake And Montana lake whitefish Smooth as glass There's no creatures in there There's no riptides It's you either fish Or you can or you can get a wave runner And if it looks like you're gonna wipe out It's not like a motorcycle You just throw yourself off the back Are you with me on this or yeah Yeah sometimes do you say Calgon take me away I said it this morning When you were in your ice bath When I took my ice bath Because I got some nice compliments Do you know what Calgon do you remember that commercial Calgon yeah it's like a powder or something It's some poisonous powder I'm sure Now we probably figure out What you put in your bath And you take a nice bath And you go Calgon take me away Calgon oh that's I use that my act which no one knows And I also use You're soaking in it Maj What's that from Well that's um a sort of palm olive Palm olive The dishwashing so They put their nails They put their hands in the dishwashing liquid I got that right Did I get that right Palm olive Is that it Yeah we need more of him Your words I see clips of him He's in there I don't have much time I only have five minutes Can I just uh Now you Have a couple things You get a simple yes or no answer You were co-woated Co-woated On Twitter On Twitter On Twitter That you hate people with red hair Your words not mine You're gonna stand by that statement Sound familiar Stand by Am I standing by Am I reading that right Am I reading that right Now I did not just fall off I mean his colloquial He's like the new Ross Perot Let's face it It's right there Biggest Texas Yeah Or he's like Dr. Phil Did someone write stupid on my forehead That was one of Dr. Phil's He probably got it from Senator John Someone write stupid on my forehead Oh no Kennedy says It's right there Biggest Dallas Not Texas Dallas Dallas It's biggest Dallas Biggest Dallas Now your state is 19 trillion dollars in debt Did I get that right Now where do you think this will end up Do you think you're gonna be like the guy Got pushed out of the spaceship in 2000 That's outtake Sorry can I get a minute Come back to my analogy Nine trillion That's 18 zeros Am I right Listen that's Dennis Miller's act When he goes the deficit Is the 17 trillion dollars That means there's There's countries still insisting on lending us money I'd be a little tighter Hey you're already into us for a couple of trills I mean come on That's 18 zeros babe I mean I'll I mean how What are we I'll go to the wall with a pal But come on I need to see a fucking fin Something 40 trillion in debt A fin Oh Welcome to Paris piece Serriere Your blind date is already at the table And there she is Cousin Brenda What are you doing here You're married anyway Substitution brought to you by Paddy Power Cousin Brenda makes way for Beth The office crush Oh get in You might not always pick the right starter But your sub can still deliver Because with Paddy's super sub Your bet rolls over to the player coming on Paddy Power Validant selected leagues are market-only Prematch and in play bets on qualifying player Outcome selections only Ties and Cs and exclusions apply 18 plus scrambleware.org All right let's go to stories We have no time We have no time now We wasted so much time All right Oh here's a fun story That Wow that's awesome 20 cities with the highest STD rates Wow Well San Francisco is number one Whoa who's in San Francisco What Fuck I gotta I gotta call it doctor Okay where is Scottsdale Let me see Oh my god Scottsdale's nowhere near No but Where's LA LA's 10 You'd think New York would be higher Some more LA St. Louis is two What is happening Nikki Let's call Nikki Glaser She's got 20 minutes on this I saw Nikki last night at dinner She's been doing spots now that her movie's done I've seen a lot of fun people doing spots We had a great time I went on twice this week And who cares Bobby Bobby Lee Bill Burr You know I didn't see Bobby Lee I saw Santino I saw Nikki I saw Santino Whitney Alley Wong A lot of fun Harlan Williams last night Harlan Williams Yeah I did the classic And I forgot That there wasn't an MC In the main room So I did my joke Crushed Levitated the room Now I finished I like that phrase And I turned around and then he's not there I don't know who's there I'm looking for the host I go Who brought me up? And then I yell back there And there's a photographer Liz I go Is anybody back there She goes Yeah they're behind the curtain I go Tell them to get out here It's time Then I go Fuck it I go All right no one's here I'll do another Angkor You gave myself an Angkor Gave yourself an Angkor What? You want me to do more? Well because no one's on stage I can't leave I'm a professional I didn't like when I would have the middle acts When I was coming up in the clubs And they do pretty well And they're like Oh I'm sorry I don't have any more time They're more He was like I'm sorry this fucking hog Dana Once in an hour Yeah I mean he'll He'll put the lash on me man He'll kick my ass Too bad I could fucking keep killing Or you could Watch him do okay I can't hear you You want what? Maybe after Dana I can come back Yeah Yeah That's like please You got a thumbs up Did I do a thumbs up? Yeah You got a heart earlier watch Shit You see Dana got a heart Don't do a heart Well why is it Why is it interst Is it the You were doing the binoculars And you got a heart God it doesn't work for mine There it is Look you got it again Look at that Heather Wow He's so lovable So lovable Ooh See Dana It's like a child now With a color I can't believe this This is Look what I did I'm sending this out to all the fans All the fans All the fans Look what you get fans Empty Alright how about another story While you do that No I got Magic when I like it Do you? This is actually insane My guess is it won't be insane at all But go ahead Okay I feel like Sorry we're having trouble Was that planned Maybe it does Oh okay here we go Val Bited glasses because you won't ever need them again It's insane but seriously What the hell These new eyedrops have actually been in the headlines a lot recently But the FDA have now approved them Now I don't think you understand quite how big this is But let me put it into context Now these eyedrops essentially correct your eyes Oh I thought it was a cheese Moving the need for glasses invested 30 minutes It's a once a day eyedrop that you basically put into your eyes The way they've described this and how it actually works The eyedrop creates a It actually works By constricting your pupil almost like when you change the camera lens around And from the tests they've been doing It's helped people see things a lot clearer up close So not the lack of sense And increase patient visibility by over 75% of someone who barely had any sight Nope It's absolutely insane that it works within 30 minutes No not within 10 or 12 It doesn't work So you're just waiting for the wind And put one drop in your eyes It's actually a tournament It may work for 30 minutes But it doesn't start working in 30 minutes It's insane but not true But it is insane And you can please keep watching It's absolutely insane You put these eyedrops in your eyes And you never need glasses again It's clear as Yeah I don't know if that's true If it is I'll buy some But I call bullshit It's too big of a story Okay we're really fucking calling these people out Alright Look at my acting I know I'm watching flying the wall Oh I don't see you Okay now it goes away Now it's coming back Well we can continue There it is Heather Do something Next week another scene from the movie Busboys to April 17th Isn't that in Busboys You get attacked by Yeah we took that from Tommy Boy Just put it in Busboys You should call it once Tommy Boy Tommy Boy, Busboy You're only one word off Oh Jimmy Fallon And Jimmy Fallon It was insane Davis Fain It was crazy He was like the Busboy is amazing I was gonna go on Jimmy Fallon For Busboys And then he's freaking dark I'm going out to do the premiere of that counter movie Outcome So when I'm out there That's one week for Busboys I'm like oh I'll just go out there and you both I think I'm gonna do Stern again I haven't done Stern in years Oh you're gonna go back to Howie Oh you're gonna be on a screen in Manhattan And he's in his house and long on you You know what's funny is that I said can I do an LA like me and Dana did once Yeah It looks like a studio I think that's what Kate Hudson did And they said no you gotta be an LA They don't do that and I was like uh So I go well I will be in New York If I can come the next morning And then fly home So we worked it out And then they go Howard will be home I go what am I I'm going to the studio Yeah but he'll be at home So I'm driving in to the studio Midtown I think that's cool Hopefully FaFaFu is there They do it really well When we did it on his show It's like it looks like we're with him And his he's on a gigantic screen And the sound is very immediate I mean you don't really miss much I do kind of want to see him I haven't seen him since I'm me and you did You don't really want to see him No but Dana No but I'd like to be in studio By the way you can buy tickets We're adding screens to Busboys We gotta call Canada Want some screens and we gotta call Hold on Scottsdale Yeah So you put it out there It's going to be 50 hundred screens And now Movie theater chains or whatever Saying can we have it Yeah because the trailer did well And it got by scene by like 15 million people So they're like oh something's going on here So I asked for some Harkins in Scottsdale And so Harkins said yeah You had me at 15 million I mean 15 million have seen the trailer People watched the trailer yeah But the So anyway so they go oh maybe people But so we wanted to go the lowest amount of screens Which is like 50 Just for a taster With Regal and Cinemark And they came That was happening earlier They said if you need screens we'll do it We're like I don't know if we're going to even go to theaters You might just put it out online Just say here just buy it Play it with that for a while But it is you get kind of horny to be in the theater But it is a gamble because theaters are tough Especially these days it's very tough to get people out And so Yeah We're going to be In we're in about 100 right now I think it's another 100 are coming So we're trying to keep it down Because I don't want to go like a full wide It's just too hard It's just to get people out We think we think people will come And check out some of it It'll have a little run in the theaters And then we'll And then what Video on demand I think you put it in People just buy it at home on Apple Sturs yeah okay Yeah it is a big leap now With all this stuff you can watch Yeah To get in your car go to the place But I think you guys your super fan base Will show up and it'll Yeah we have fans It'll overperform It'll be a surprise I think it's the idea that we didn't do it the regular way And it's a little more non-PC That people said it seems like 90s movies or 2000s When like It was black when you kind of do whatever you want Harder jokes put it that way Stuff like that yeah Yeah So we'll see But that's all I'll say about that until next week Then I'll say more of course All right we're running out of time But let's do one more story We'll end with a real fucking bang We need a banger to bring this home It won't be I got a good feeling Okay it says something a thousand year old mummy Let's see mummy This might be UFO related Oh I know what this is from He looks like he's not doing well at all It's supposedly yeah that needs nigh call Is that it? I saw a whole thing you can stop it I saw a whole thing where They were in a forest somewhere Of course this sounds like a lie And I'll try to find this clip In the forest they were cutting down the trees And they found little smaller like Pyramids you know Because they were so dense The trees were so high No so they're like you know Right Like 1.5-1.5 feet high But the trees are so big and like some jungle They get it down and they get inside And then they see how the hieroglyphics And there's spaceships and arrows and things And like people looking up And you always go what is going on If these are from thousands of years ago And they found that thing Well the main thing if like somehow you fall on a glacier Or in the jungle and you're like Okay I'm not going to be found I'm probably going to be mummified Just try to really close your mouth Just whatever you do That guy looks so stupid Even if he's in a alien he looks dumb He dislocated his jaw You want to sleep like this Ready? 1, 2, 3 go to sleep Yeah I know Well if you're thinking to be mummified You're like okay I'm going to be a mummy Just have a little impish kind of Mona Lisa Grand Just as you're becoming mummy No if they say okay Stay in here unfortunately you'll be mummified But then people will see you later Like okay And I go ready close it and I go I try to look more cute Right as you're about to go mummified You just right you just kind of put your hands up like this And go You knew Fonzie would So they find you and it's kind of positive As opposed to By the way I'll end you with this While we're on conspiracy theories That there was some chatter That the unfortunate incident with the plane That hit the fire truck And smashed up the plane Which first of all in my eyes if I had to guess I would think the fire truck is here And the plane is up here And it would hit the wheels and stuff But it was like right on so Too much speed too much energy Smash the plane and it peeled back Anyway now people are saying what happened on 9-11 Because the planes look like they went through the building None of the debris fell This shows even a fire truck it smashes everything back Hmm anything there or nothing Well they were going a lot faster Well I know that they were going a lot faster 150 miles an hour They're probably going 500 miles an hour But probably those were fake planes I think I'm convinced now I saw the one where they say they're holograms And I can't quite get my head around like How can we all see it then How can we all see it Not just video you see Everyone on the ground saw planes coming Can that be a hologram if they can they're way advanced That's way ahead of my mind I can't get that But they do go like this And they show it poking out the other side the nose And you're like So the plane went through and the nose was unbroken And they call it the Pinocchio effect Look it up But again I have to say I'm not an expert on this I have to keep saying that Well you sound like one I'll be honest Like anyone thinks I know what I'm thinking I mean you were do you a physics major I go to the University of Tiktok You're a degree in electrical engineering I thought I got a degree in stupidity No I didn't graduate Shocker Guess who else didn't graduate Albert Einstein I'm not sure what I'm doing Bill Gates Elon Musk The Russian guys who started Google They all they're their sophomores College at Harvard and going This fucking dunce doesn't know anything I'm out of here I'm gonna go invent something Did Eric Schmidt is that the guy that co-founded Google Yep Well they brought him in You know to kind of help them With old fashioned management type stuff Because I ran into him the other night I was eating next to him And I chatted him up He was a nice guy I ran into him a few times I ran into him a few times Like he's smarter than I never say this He felt one percent smarter than me I would never admit that Well timing's everything If you're in the world No everyone's smarter In the world of the 90s early knots Whatever in that world That digital world that was emerging You know there were sun micro systems And Cisco and all these companies And I did corporate dates for them If I'd said don't give me a check Just give me shares Like with Apple Dummy See I said to you I remember in 98 We were just after SNL I said buy Apple Buy Amazon And then just hold it Don't sell And you said nice try Nice try dude I'm gonna buy Toys R Us Stock I said I'm gonna buy I can't think of something that went out of his I'm gonna buy Blockbuster Oh look at you got rain What is Look at this What do you think? Maybe we end on that That was special Well I don't know why it's interstitial I do the exact same thing I don't get it again What a big budget we have For you listeners It's pretty amazing We are tearing it up here with the truth We did it again Episode 6481 Yep And I think by the time this airs I'll be coming to Nashville Pittsburgh Charlotte Get out there Charlotte Last time was there Christian McCaffrey came That was my excitement And that was when he was on the Panthers You should do that for every story I tell it's Oh they're all boring No my It's just a joke But I can't get it to stop And I'm not kidding Jesus I'm trying to read my dates Sorry I'll do them again At Charlotte Haha you're like at Charlotte San Antonio Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Pittsburgh Yes And that's it Oh Pittsburgh and Nashville The Rhyman Oh the Rhyman I played that I love the Rhyman That's kind of a classic Oh yeah the old random opera theater Have you got new material from the special I mean you got your stuff right Pretty much no That'll be That's the day Busway is open So maybe we'll go run around Find a theater Well you got my ticket Paula and I are both gonna buy a ticket I can't wait for you Paul See it and then you have a discussion of like What do we say I just have one question Just think of one joke that was funny We could repeat and say like Just that we'll just say that Yeah we'll just be like so So you had fun doing it right And look like fun Look like fun you know and um You guys were really out there Yeah You're taking swings You did what you wanted to do Exactly Yeah thank you You know these compliments Yeah I like that And I take them as compliments Oh that's nice thank you Well look it's hard to make a movie It's really hard Here's the first review This worthless juvenile offensive piece of shit Every viewer is like typing out the review now and go Well maybe I'll see it maybe I won't but This is a good one Well I mean they say we're a viewer now It's kind of fancy but first of all They in the oldie times they call them critics So hey critic why are you writing such critical stuff Check my name out dude But the other thing is is that Instagram Facebook all the worldwide web decides about Everyone does Critics don't mean dick People that want to see it'll see it All right it's nice seeing you Dayan I'm going to have some gum now Okay I'm gonna have lunch But stay on the line You stay on the line don't get off We fade out Hey guys if you're loving this podcast Which you are Be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app Give us review five star rating And maybe even share an episode That you've loved with a friend If you're watching this episode on YouTube Please subscribe We're on video now Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey And the executive produced by Danny Carvey And David Spade Heather Santoro And Greg Holtzman Mattie Sprung-Kaiser And Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman And the show is produced and edited By Phil Sweetek Booking by Cultivated Interest Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty Evan Cox Mora Curran Melissa Wester Hillary Shuff Eric Donnelly Colin Gaynor Sean Cherry Kurt Courtney And Lauren Vieira Reach out with us any questions To be asked and answered on the show We can email us at flyonthewall at Odyssey.com That's A-U-D-A-C-Y.com