Matteo Lane & Sarah Colonna: Real Dolls & Chatty Drivers

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Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has issues in today's episode, Mateo Lane and Sarah Kelona joined the show. We talk about real dolls, cat Instagram accounts and music profiling. Morning. Good morning. So I feel like I've heard your name for the last couple of years. I was wondering when you were going to make the rounds here. It's very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. Sarah Kelona, do you know Mateo Lane or did you just meet him today? We've only met in person today. I was like crazy. I know it is strange. Obviously, we know of each other and have been friends with mutual friends, Fortune, all the people. Well, there's kind of like a one degree of separation. So Fortune Fiemsters are regular on the show and used to open for her. I did. It's open for Fortune for a long time. I love how she chooses a gay and then keeps that gay for a couple of years and then launches you and then goes on to the next. She's very gracious. I love Fortune. She's super supportive. Like, you know, comics can be assholes. Yeah. And she's not. She's the opposite. Like, she's exactly what she portrays herself to be, which is a nice person. Yeah. What percentage of comics, and you can answer this question too, Sarah, what percentage of comics are supportive of each other? In your opinion, I would say. I would say changes per generation. So like, I would say. I would say the where I came up in comedy in Chicago, New York, they were super supportive because we would put on shows for each other and it was kind of moving away from the club scene and the the alt scene was kind of rising. So and this is before social being back in my day. I mean, this is 2010. So we were just putting on our own shows and bar shows and you do support each other. And I actually think since the rise of social media and kind of getting rid of the gatekeepers and you can just, you know, do podcasts and put your stuff up like comics are super supportive of each other. Like come on my podcast, come on this or open for me or let's do shows together. Like I find it to be more communal. I agree. That I think it changed with that because people have more access to get themselves out there now. So they don't feel so like it's like, yeah, I have to fight for this. It seems very competitive. And, you know, we've seen people in here that have been supportive. We've seen people that have that have not been supportive and and almost jealous of other comedians. I would think even in just like my business or I've noticed in life, if you if you really are looking at things from a self interested perspective, right, then you would want your friends and fellow comment comics to succeed because then look what happens all of a sudden it's like, hey, Sarah, we open for me or Mateo, will you open for me? And I think that when you really just kind of focus on you and you have that kind of resentful, jealous mentality, I think it just stops you. In your tracks, I don't think you go anywhere. It does. Yeah. That's what I've noticed. I think the the people that have, you know, we've been doing this for eight years, Mateo, we've seen a lot of comedians. I find that the people that really are truly very competitive and unsupportive are stuck. Mm hmm. We don't see those people thrive and succeed. And we've got a pretty good group of comedians here that support each other. Zach Newell Towers. Do you know him? I love some very good friend of mine. I love Zach. I also, it's an again, when we talk about first degree of separation, Evan. Oh, what's up, man? Evan is. Yeah, he's been on this show. I know, man, everyone thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. I'm straight, man. I'm straight. I'm straight, man. I am. Yeah. Show. I like him. He's a good guy. You you have quite a history with him, right? Yes. You guys roommates? Yeah. Well, Evan's one of my best friends. This tattoo is for Evan Skeletor. And he has a tattoo for me. Yeah, we started to we met each other in 2012 when I moved to New York and just did all of our open mics together and lived with each other. We've been through pretty much everything with each other. And I love Evan very, very much. Is he still dating the stunt woman? No, man, I think in my I don't know. I think it might be over. It's OK, you know, it's all right. Everything's good. And look at me. I'm doing great, man. I'm not drinking anymore, man. Yeah, he was. I think the last time we was here is dating the stunt woman. Well, because they were on and off and then they were broken up when we. So we met him when he was staying on Zach's couch and we went over to hang out and we were like, who's this random hot straight guy in the couch? And then because they were on a break and now they're back together. And then maybe they're probably broken up. Yeah, we met her. Didn't we meet her? I don't think I met her. Yes. Oh, it was a movie night at Zach's. And I think I feel like we did, Ke'an, right? Yeah, we met the stunt woman and more feminine than the more feminine than I thought. Do you know what I'm saying? Because when you think of stunt woman, I guess I just had this expectation in my head. I was actually a very feminine woman. I don't am I the only one that would think a stunt woman is masculine? Yeah, I went to college with a girl that turned out to be a stunt woman and she was really tall, thin, blonde, like. Love it. Yeah. That's what I would think. Yes, that's what I would think. But not at all. I don't think I ever thought of what a stunt woman. Yeah, I don't know why. You don't have any preconceived notions of a stunt woman. Not necessarily. No, I guess I'm for me, a stunt woman. It's always like a bad wig. You know what I mean? Like they're trying to replicate. Actually, I'm thinking of Mariah Carey's heartbreaker video when she was fighting Bianca. That's my idea. It was just Mariah and a shit wig. Now, we should probably start from the beginning. So you were born and raised in Chicago. Yeah, Arlington Heights, which is right outside. It's a suburb. And then I moved to Chicago at 18. You are around 39 40. 39. OK. When's your birthday? June 28. OK. You'll be 40 this year? Yeah. OK. What are we doing? I don't know. I don't celebrate my birthday really. I don't either. I know. You have to. That's what everyone says. I know. I feel embarrassed. You don't feel embarrassed like a comic. Like it's like we already get to have a tense like I didn't. I am the same way. I hate celebrating my birthday. But for like my 40th and you know, I just went to Cabo with a bunch of girlfriends and got a big villa. Did something like that. That's literally what Rosebud Baker said I should do. So the exact words of what she said I should do. I was like, but then I got to organize a trip. Can we just do dinner? No, just make everybody, you know, get it and make them come. Tell them where they're going to be. Exactly. That's what I did. You said something like, you know, being a public person, it's it's less important for me to to I think celebrate my birthday. Like, I mean, it's it's about us the rest of the year. Yeah, that is why. Yeah, like, right. But I don't need any more celebration. You would write friends for trips all the time. I mean, if you like as a comic, you feel like you have to earn your applause, you know, so then for birthday, I'm like, oh, I was born here. So now you attended the School of Art Institute of Chicago. Yes. You speak six languages. No, I speak like fourish. I've Italian, English, fluently, Spanish. Four more than we speak. And my Germans very rusty, but French and Spanish are pretty proficient, but my Italian and English are fluent. Did you study in Europe? I studied when I didn't really study any languages. No, but I learned Italian because we have family in Sicily. And so I would stay with family or family friends every summer when I was younger. So you just kind of pick it up. So it was kind of a cheat code. You moved to to New York from Chicago when held you. I was 25. And what was your career aspirations at that point? Well, I was storyboarding, television, commercials and fashion ads for work. So I was doing I was drawing for like Lexis and 7 Up and like basically anyone who could draw like humans, believably and very quickly, you could work for and I draw a lot of women and draw a fashion. So I was doing a lot of fashion stuff like hair, shampoo, blah, blah, blah. And so that got me to New York and I got a job through my friend Aaron, who was looking for an artist. So I was just drawing all day long, nine to five. And then I would just do open mics from five to like 2 a.m. with Evan. When did you pivot to comedy full time? How old were you? I was 27, I think, because I got on an MTV show called Girl Code and Guy Code. And that was when I was like, oh, maybe I could just do this. But I mean, I was also like living in an attic above Sashir's and Meida. Then I was living with Evan. Then I was living, you know, it was just poor for a long time. But once I did that, then you could start working the road. And I was doing like the worst. I was like at a funny bone to date in Ohio on a Thursday night. I remember that. Just nightmare, you know, just bombing and bombing about you didn't have an audience. So yeah, just doing that for a really long time until like 2021, then it then it all changed in 2021. It changed. So that's not that long ago. No. So it was it sounds like it was a good eight years of the grind. It was like 18. I started in 2009, 2008, something like that. I was 21 or 22 when I started to stand up. So then, Mateo, what what really changed things? Did you get noticed by bigger comedians like a fortune themester that said come open for me? Well, the comics always supported me. So I opened for a Z for a long time. I opened for Fortune for a long time. I was doing my like Evan and I would do shows together. But then once I once in 2021, I started putting my stuff up online because no one wanted my special. They were all like, no. So I just put my stand up online and it was literally like overnight. I was like, oh, I went from not selling a single ticket to theaters. But also like having done it for 18 years prior when people go, oh, my God. Well, you just blew up out of nowhere. You're like, I was doing this for years. Yeah, it's crazy. So you initially started yours. You put your specials on YouTube. Is that my first special was on YouTube, which I wanted to call Netflix said no. But my manager thought that was not a good idea. I still think it's funny. Right. Funny. It is funny. Yeah. But that was very fun. And then at the time, like when you're writing new material, because I don't do crowd work, but it was very fashionable for like, remember crowd work like a couple of years ago was like a it was huge. So I just did a couple of crowd work specials to hold me over for content online while I develop new material. Because it takes a long time to write material and work it out. Now at this stage of the game, do you have writers that help you or is it just all you? All me. Really? Yeah. Does some of the bigger comedians, do they have people like assistants that help them? I mean, I know a couple of comedians that have some writers, but most of us write our own. But there's a couple I know that have. Yeah. What shows? What I do is if I have, once you finish an hour, you go to the comedy seller and I have like, let's say four or five months without touring. And I asked Estee, I'm like, Hey, I'm back. Give me every single spot. I go through all my premise. And my phone is just full of joke premises. I go through all my premises and I write them all. And then I match where I think that they kind of blend or like can transition or like sort of group them together where they fit. And then I do about 22 shows a week. So there are 15 minute spots at the seller and you can do like four or five shows a night and you just start. And so you get on stage, you tell the audience, I'm doing all new stuff. You record everything on your phone. So I have everything recorded on my phone. And I go through, let's say five, let's say my chunk is 15 minutes. I worked that 15 minutes out till I feel the beats. Okay, I know where this is going or that's going, then you listen back and you make edits that way. Okay, this didn't work. Take that part out. Add this stuff here. Then other comics watching you will be like, this will be funny. Add this here. Add this. Like we always tag each other when you're watching each other. Keep going, keep going. Then once that 15 minutes feels complete, move it aside, move up the next 15 minutes. Then you do that. And so finally you kind of have like five chunks of 15 minutes that work. Then you go to comedy clubs. So I'll do like a helium. I'll do Zanyne's. I'll do, and I'll like this past summer, though, I had three weeks. I was like Zanyne's for like six nights. So you get up and I have all my jokes and now I'm trying to make the hour. So I have my sheet of paper on stage and I'm like working out my hour. So I have all this recorded. So the first night's like an hour and 20 minutes, way too long. Man, like rambling, not sure where to start. By that fifth show, I have my opening. I have my closing. We're at 55 minutes. So you do that for like a month at clubs. Yeah. You have to work it out, work it out. And then I debut that hour in Australia for 4,000 people. So it's like you want to feel absolutely positive, ready to go. Yeah, because I remember, but nothing has been explained in detail like that. Like of all the comedians that have been here, no one has really explained how much work it is. Like fortune will say, oh, I write material and then I go and I go and I. But never has it been explained like that. Like you have to get, you have to get a vibe for it and you have to work stuff in. If you're doing a show and you don't, and you don't want to, you don't want to get tired of it yourself too. You want to perfect it, but you also want to work things in as you're going. Just real quick though, since you said that comics tag each other. Yeah. I just don't want anyone listening to think that that gives you permission to give us tags. Oh, yes, please. Because that fucking happened to me this weekend. And what did they say? Well, the best part was it's, I don't, it's a, it's a joke. My mom worked in a funeral home for a long time. So I said that it was a very competitive business. And then I said it was a stiff competition and I didn't like, I didn't even think about it really. It came out and I was like, oh, that's a good, you know, tag for this. And this lady afterwards is like, my husband has a tag for you. And I was like, I don't want to hear it. And she goes, when you talk about the funeral home, you need to say stiff competition because he said it. And I go, no, I fuck, I said that. And he goes, I was repeating what she said. She goes, no, you said it first. I go, you think I heard him in the back and then I said it. And I got really irritated. Shout out chumps. Um, so I do want to, uh, I'm probably going to do you a big favor today. Okay. I think, unless you don't know about this person, but Jameson, are you the one that alerted me to this woman that the dolls, is it at the dolls aren't real? Have you heard of this woman? Yes. It is the most insane thing you've ever seen. Well, Mariah Smith had posted about it and I had kept seeing it in my algorithm. And so then I thought, this woman's crazy enough that I think Jeff would be really interested. She has these dolls. They're like made to look like newborn dolls. They're very like, look like they're alive. And then she puts them in little scenarios, but then she does. It's the creepiest thing you've ever seen, Mattel. Like she has the voices. She has children's rooms. She has the clothes. So she's making the dolls eating here. She's acting like the doll is sick. So she's giving him pedialyte. She's taking it all like a basketball. Is this rage, baby? I can make some soup. It's deeply upsetting. Come on. You're too close to the edge. What is, is she, is she crazy? Well, yeah. In her defense, the. She has some walking blowing the nose. So in her defense. In her defense. Don't defend her. Don't defend her yet. OK, she's. Let's just explain because most people at work right now. You have to go to Instagram and just type in the dolls aren't real. There's no contraction between the N and the T. So the dolls aren't real. And you've got to see this woman because she's. She's making them soup. She's wasting it. She's embracing her food. What is happening? I mean, let's start with she's wasting a house. Right. That's also that. So the kids have their own bedrooms. Not on. She's got closets full of kid clothes. And she's living her life as if she has these three or four kids. She's wasting the soup. Is there is there a point to it? I mean, obviously, I think there's some incredible trauma. First of all, my mother never walked up the stairs saying, I've got this. No, it's like, does she think it's funny? Do you know what I mean to do? Is it supposed to be? I was going to say in her defense, the account is called the dolls aren't real. So obviously she's somewhat in on it. Yes, but you look at the profile. That doesn't make sense. What? Already are going to write the dolls. It should be the kids aren't real. What came first, though? The dolls are the Instagram. It was probably the dolls. Right. Yeah. How long has she been doing this? I've seen this on. Tell all the clothes, all the baby clothes. I just look it's we've just we're wasting. Like, I feel bad if I order takeout and I don't eat like the English muffin on the side. I'm like, well, that was a waste of food. This bitch has a house. A house with all the rooms with the dolls. And like this could go to so many people. I mean, we need to we have to bring shame back. Yes. But I'll help you. Let's launch it today. Diagnosed trauma. But do you know what this is? Do you know what this is? In New York, you'll see like a woman in her early hundreds walking with a baby stroller with the dog inside of it. Yes, but that's what we left it at. Now we've gone to a full house. Well, that's what I was wondering when I when I watched this, I thought, why does it just get a dog or get some pets? Like, you've got three cats. There's no shame. She has a Honda minivan from a distance. She has a Honda minivan and she puts the dolls in the car seat. I'm telling you, why have you brought me here? I mean, you need some more shoes. It's the most insane thing. I mean, she should be in a store. A bag. She's in the store. If I was in Target and I saw this bitch, I would run the other way. I mean, do you tell her your baby is not real? Hi, your bit. Yeah. The dolls are real. She needs to be on a psychiatric hold. A fifty one fifty. How many followers does she have? That's a good question. Oh, wait, let's make guesses first. Let's make guesses first. Two hundred eighty thousand. OK. Um, I'm hoping it's not five hundred thousand, but I'm afraid it is. I was going to say five hundred thousand. No. It's ninety three thousand two hundred. She's doing all this for ninety three thousand people. She's not doing it for Instagram. This was all there before Instagram. Where did she get her money? This is what I want to know. Where do these people get their money from? Well, could you imagine if she's married and the husband's been putting up a show? Who's filming it? Yes, I mean, look, it's going to be a tripod. Is it? Look, hi, everyone. I'm Gina. Background here. I think it's really dark. She had she's had these dolls for five years. She had a children's apparel line in twenty twenty four. She does it for content and offering empathy to those. She can't have children. Maybe God forbid she lost a baby. I know, but there's all this stuff. All this stuff can go to action to children. All this stuff can go to children. Yeah, this kindness is free. I write on the edge of the voice. Well, offering empathy to those who collect personal for reason. I don't know. You know what this reminds me of a little bit? And this might be a dark take. Like this kind of stuff. I went to art school and I remember this one girl. We she was like our final project or whatever. So she had these like giant paintings on the wall and they were huge and they're like sort of like erotic, you know, naked women touching themselves. And she had this big long speech about it. Right. And this is about this and about that. So we're all watching my teacher, Dan Guston, who was very much he believed that painting was more psychological, waits for her to finish the speech and then just to test her. He goes, yeah, I just think you like painting hot women. And then she explodes. That's not true. And that's not. But and then they're going back and forth and arguing. And I think his point was like, you know, these kind of huge long speeches can sometimes be like a cover up or a mask, just do something you like to do and you kind of lay other things on it. It's like, OK, fine, I find that's the life you want to live. Go ahead. But also like all those clothes could go to like. Yeah, I don't know. Just just say you like doing this. But I think we're missing the point, right? You're what you're looking at is waste, right? There's a ton of waste and that's triggering you. But the fact that she's living this life as if she has this family of four children is what is concerning to me. And this is someone that will eventually snap and hopefully. Oh, yeah, eventually. I mean, what she's on the snap. Yeah, I think this is it's being documented every day. Thanos blood. I mean, this is I think we have to investigate every single follower. And I think we should go through every follower and investigate. This is a Netflix documentary where later the neighbors are like, yeah, you know, the minivan and the four dolls and the chew walk. It's going to be a doc you. She's going to. And I think Netflix is going to want that. Sorry, that's fine. Netflix. I actually I stand for that. That is my question. Like after the cameras are off, does she put the dolls to bed? Yes, when all the cameras are off, like I don't think it's acting. She has 400,000 followers on TikTok. Damn. And 200,000 on YouTube. Yes, but we're watching for the wrong reasons. It's a train wreck. Yeah. Now, I also heard recently and look, I've known Sarah for a while now. I think she's pretty cool. Well, I thought I thought she was really cool until I realized. When did you start an Instagram for your cats? A little while ago. A lot less followers than that lady. How has that been hidden from me? At least Navi pause, if anyone. Is there all named after Christmas? They're Christmas kiddies. That's so weird. I know. I know. I don't know. I thought I was like. Because I thought they're alive. Look how cute they are, because I thought, well, if I post them on my Instagram, then people are just going to, you know, get sick of cats. So I'll make one for them. And then sometimes I forget about it. But look how cute they are. I love cats. And then I thought maybe I could get like, I don't know, a free litter robot or something out of it. But so far I haven't. I honestly think it's a bad move. Oh, look, he high fives. My cat gives a high five. I think it's a really bad move having an Instagram for your cat. I know. No, I know. You're going to lose all credibility. You are one. I already have. I already have when I got on this show. Do you know what you need? You need to make a cat account, but they're fake cats and you treat them like cats. The cats aren't real. The cats aren't real. They did do that. I know. But you're a year away from a doll. I, well, I know. I know. I, when I did it, I said to John, did I just try to Instagram for the cat? And he said, I think you did. And I got a lot to do. I don't know why I did it. I'm following the account. Thank you, Shane. I'm in. We'll follow you back. I do have a question. You, when you fly, you always make sure you're in the same seat. 1B, is that correct? I love to be in 1B. And why is that? First, first to get a drink. Seriously. Yeah. But one, you have to put your bag up. I don't mind. I know. I hate one. I hate one. Thank you. So does John. He doesn't like it. Um, and so sometimes he has to be in 2B behind me. I wave at him. You'll put him in 2B so that you can be first to get a drink? No, if he wants to, because he doesn't like, because he wants to put his thing under the seat. Yeah, so do I. Yeah. Everyone does. It doesn't bother me. I get my, uh, my Kindle out. I get it. And then I, and I put it in the seat. I put the overhead. I get anxious because I have to put, you know, I have my bag and my suitcase. And I put the suitcase up and then you have to put the bag up. And then other people are like, well, what's this? We have to move this. I'm like, I, but I don't have a choice. I'm at one. And then you need something and you're sitting there and waiting for us to level off and turn off the, it's like, I forgot to take that on my back. I just, I, oh, I get my AirPods. I get my Kindle. I get my iPad out. I put them in the seat. I put the thing up. It just, I feel less claustrophobic. I don't like when the seat comes back. You do have more room up there. More room. Nobody can lean back on you. But why did you switch? I heard you switched on a flight. Um, did somebody ask you to switch? Oh, someone asked me to switch. Yeah. Oh, and I did it. Why? I'm so proud of myself. Why? Well, it was these two girls traveling together and she said, where I'm in, I was sitting in my one B and she's like, I have a question and she was real shy about it. She said, would you switch to three B with, because my friends in three B, I go, oh, I'll for aisle. She said, yeah, I go, no problem. Yeah. Okay. I have no problem with that. I don't have a, I don't have my mouth on aisle. And I think because I said so easily, she was shocked and she goes, if you don't want to do it, I won't like put you on Tik Tok or anything. And I go, and I go, I'm fine. You're like, please at Sarah Kelowna. And I said, no, I'm fine. No, at least not. You motherfucker. But you know what did happen a little bit that got me a little bit upset is that we were, they were doing the pre-departure drink and I saw, I saw her up there enjoying her vodka, ginger ale, and they hadn't got to aisle three yet. Yeah. Yeah. I texted John. I said, I might have made a mistake, but then she made it to me. Also, if you go back too far, which, you know, if you're like seven or eight, you're at risk of, of not having a meal available. Right. Sorry, we're out of the chicken. Yeah. Well, I had pre-ordered luckily, so I knew I was going to get it in a moment. Well, you pre-ordered and then switched seats. That screws up the whole. I told her, I told the lady, I said, I switched for these two. I'm an American hero. I already ordered my dinner. Now Mateo, you do not like when everyone has their shades down and then there's one person that leaves it up. Yeah. And this is something, I mean, it's common, I feel. I've heard a lot of other people talk about this, but it is true. It's like six o'clock in the morning. I've been on five planes that week. You just want to cut, that's the only sleep I'm going to get that day, you know, and so you're trying to relax and then there's that one person at 6 o'clock. Everyone is trying to sleep. Just, I want to see what the world looks like. I'm like, no, you ruined for everyone. It's just beam of light. When they're next to you, do you do, I get really passive aggressive. I just like turn my back. I say it. And I like put my hands up. Oh, you'll say something. Yeah, yeah, I say something. I just go, I'm sorry. I'm like, do you mind if we close the shade at least halfway? And normally they're like, oh yeah, oh my God, I'm so sorry. You know, I just ask. Sometimes my daughter does want to lift that up during the flight and we do halfway. Halfway is fair. That's okay. Okay, good. You're okay with that. And she wants to see like, she's a kid. So yeah, she wants to see the world. Not a 57 year old businessman who's seen the fucking clouds before. However, let me ask you this, Matteo and Sarah. I do not like the shades down during takeoff and landing. I want them up. I want to see what's going on. If we crash, I want to see which side the fire is on. I don't, I don't like them down. There's only one exit door. Who cares what the fire's on? You have to get out the one way. No, what if on the left there was a fire and I had to go out a window? Do you know what I'm saying? Like I don't, I want to know what's going on. I think coming down, I want the windows up just so I can see how close we are to the ground so I can turn my phone back on. But going up, I usually, that's my favorite part. I don't care if it's up. I just want to sleep. Like that pressure makes you fall asleep so easily. I need it up until we can take off. And then once we take off, I'm happy to put it down. I don't, I don't want to see. I don't care if we're going to crash. I mean, what am I going to do? Stop it? There is a chance that you could survive if you're prepared. Well, that's why we want B. I'm right out the door. You're more concerned about getting your drink first than crashing. You're like, I need that one B. I thought, yeah, we crash, we die. At least have a nice buzz. Yeah, it'd be great. Doesn't it feel extra claustrophobic to have all the shades down? I used to be a window so I was in control of that and I have to switch to an aisle person. I like to pee all the bathroom. I like being able to get up when I want. To go to the bathroom. So, but I gave up the power of the shade and I just have to deal with it. I gave up the power of the shade. Yeah, but sometimes it just feels like we're just. Well, usually I've traveled with like four people. So I'll be like, Shane, open your shade or Annie, open your shade. Just so we take off. Yeah, I just, I do get worried about takeoff and landing. But what's going to happen? What are you going to do? How are you going to control takeoff with the shade open? What are you going to do? You're not listening to me. I don't. If we crash, I need to know what's happening in my surroundings. Am I going to exit to the left or am I going to exit to the right? I need to be able to see. There's only one way to exit. I just want to thank the person who lifted the shade. Well, I'm going to know where to exit. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Switch to Plastinets award winning four fiber from just $22.99 a month. Our sweet deal gets you fast and reliable broadband with no activation fee with speeds up to 900 megabits. Feels like a sugar rush. Full fiber that's full of value. That's a plus. Offer ends 6th of May. Crisp, vibrant and bursting with citrus. Villamiria's New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc is the perfect wine made to be enjoyed on every occasion. Whether you're soaking up the sun in your garden, hosting a backyard barbecue, or unwinding after a long day, the zesty lime and lush tropical fruits are always delicious. Try Villamiria Sauvignon Blanc, a vibrant New Zealand wine that's perfect for every occasion. Available at all good wine retailers. Also want to promote Matteo's stand up live shows. Do you want to go ahead and just announce it? We got a catch up. Sure. Yeah. The catch up tour. So you go to MatteoLaneComedy.com. I'm going to be in basically Tampa, Florida, Huntington, New York, Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, the Chicago Theater, West Palm Beach, Florida, and I'm going all over Europe in April and May. So MatteoLaneComedy.com. MatteoLaneComedy.com for dates, for venues, for tickets, for times, it is all there. Okay, so you also had a cookbook last year, and it was very well received. I saw you everywhere. You were on the view, you were on Kelly Clarkson. You must have a really good publicist. I do. Yes. And MJ from Persian Style is actually this publicist. Yes. We're laughing because I did get a text from Mercedes that she discovered Matteo, and I'm just going to read it exactly what she said. I discovered MatteoLane and personally booked him on today's show. Is that true? Absolutely not, but I love that she said that's her truth and that she's standing in that. I love that. So you didn't book him? No, I talked to the publicist, but that's okay. Now, is it true that every night, every Monday night, is Mexican night, and you and your husband go to a local Mexican restaurant in the neighborhood? Yes. Now, you thought because you've been such a loyal customer that they have been giving you a discount every time you're there. What did you recently discover? Well, we go there on Mondays because I'm out of town a lot on the weekends, and we like to have our Monday together. We go, and we go, you say evening, it's more like noon than we go. And then, and we were like, oh my God, this bartender always gives us half off. Like, that's so nice of him. It's always says 50% off. And then we were walking out one day and we saw a sign that said half off Monday. So all this time you were thought you were special. Yeah. And so we still have to keep overtipping because we, you know, we sent that precedent too. So that's why. Oh, yeah. Because we were like, God, he gave us half off. You know, we're just giving him a huge tip. Me and my love, they think you're so cheap. They're like, we only see them on Mondays. Oh, shit, you're right. Now, we have discussed at length Sarah's history before she met the NFL football player. She dated a string of men and some of them died. Is that correct? Three. Three died. One going over by a bulldozer. I don't mean to be laughing. I'm so sorry. No, it's fine. They're dead. Whatever. They can't hear it. It's the Sarah Kelowna curse. Yeah. Now there is one lone survivor. Yeah. And you dated him about 12 years ago and you recently, Yeah. Yeah. You ran into him. He ran into me. At your show. Yeah, on purpose. He came to my show. I haven't seen him in 14 years. He came to my show. What a great. At a casino. I was doing a casino show. So you're stuck. You're in the casino. The show's there. The hotel's there. Everything's there. And he just showed up and he was walking around with his like 13 year old daughter. Oh. He made a joke that she's not mine. Oh my God. Good one. What a tag. Yeah. And then he sat and then he just was like afterwards he goes, Oh, let's hang out. And I was like, I don't want to hang out with you. But I didn't have anywhere to go. So we sat at the casino bar. Luckily my opener was my podcast partner. So she was with me. And so she could run interference. And he just sat there and told me how miserable his life is for two hours. How long did you date? Um, we just like probably six months. Was the sex good? Not really. He's an alcoholic. Was he doing this in front of his daughter? No. I'm a father. They're just on Mondays. Just on Mondays half off. Now, is it true that on one of your dates, he wore a t-shirt that offended you? Oh my God. So not even just to date. Okay. So this is back. This is when my first book came out and I sold it as a TV, a television show. It was up to Happy Madison, Adam Sandler's production company. We get, so I'm like, I book as car service. I make it like Mastro's reservation. I'm like, we're going out and celebrating this. My best friend, her boyfriend, him, he shows up at my house in a t-shirt that said, who parted? And not even like a jacket over it or anything. War a t-shirt that said who farted. What makes me more upset is that he purchased it. Then he had the t-shirt in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. So we thought this is a good occasion to wear it. I've been waiting. I was, I made him, I was like, yeah, luckily I had said sweater or something. I was like, you have to put this banner on. You can't, I can't fucking do this. I can't. And then I think we broke up shortly after that. I was going to say, yeah. Now, the, when you had your holiday party and your good friend brought his boyfriend to the party and he had his nose all bandaged up. Oh yeah. I think he just got a nose job or something and then he went to a holiday party a week later. The day after. They're not still dating, right? They are still dating. I just saw her. Have you seen the nose? I haven't. No, I don't. I just saw her and I had, he showed, he literally had like, I guess a deviated septum surgery or nose job. Sure. Yeah. Right. Okay. He had never met anyone. I had a deviated balding surgery. So. He had never met anyone before and showed up at our holiday party with a cast on his face. I don't know that. I had hair transplants and I feel like I would not. I waited like the 10, 12 days to be at home and like just be ugly at home. Yeah. Just don't go. You don't need to go to a party. Your hair looks great though. It actually really does. Thanks everybody. It looks so natural. Yeah. Who did it? I did it in New York. Dr. Wesley Carlos in the Upper East Side. He did a great job. Yeah. They're really, really good. Now, you, I read that you had a couple of different surgeries. I had three. Was it all different doctors? No, same guy. Oh, so. I just was had so like little hair and basically the last one I was like, just give me like the 18 year old Dominican. Let's just get it done. So I don't have to think about this again. So because someone, I was streaming the other week and someone's like, oh, you had three surgeries. Like it didn't work. And I was like, no, I just wanted more hair. They all work. So you, it was conservative the first two times. And then the third time you're like, let's just do this and be done. Yeah. Let's like bring it in here, bring it in here. They gave me like a beard. They gave you a beard? Yeah. I never had a beard before. Wait, they do that? Yeah. I didn't even know that. They slayed. I know. He's good. Yeah, he's really good. I never, ever, ever would guess. Yeah. Because sometimes you can see when, you know what I mean? You can tell when people have had transplants. Or else unnatural. Yeah. Not this one. Is it expensive? Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot. But you know, that's what I'm working on. Worth it. You gotta spend the money for it to look like. That's why I'm always, I'm like, share. I'm always on tour. Wait, the doll lady has her husband in the videos. Burgundy in Chicago. Tell us about the doll lady. So the doll lady, I happened to come across her on my daughter's YouTube page. Her husband actually ordered his own doll. It got a little boy. And they're hundreds and hundreds of dollars. And they did a whole little episode on him on doing an unboxing of it. They're both, they're both crazy then. There's a lid for every pot. I love that they found each other. Yeah. Can you imagine right now if you're listening and you're single and you're like, that lady has a husband? Or that guy has a wife? Well, that's when you watch like my 600 pound life and they've got a husband and kids. My Nonna's favorite show is the 2,000 pound sisters. Of course. And I was, yeah. And I said, Nonna, if I was a kid and you told me that I could eat whatever I wanted and have a husband and be on TV, I would have a whole different life. Yeah. That's actually when I watch that show, I don't eat for like 24 hours after it. It's really, really great for, it's a great appetite suppressant. I think. I should start watching it on Sundays. Save myself some. Some Mexican calories. Now, is it true that you're a Disney gay? No. But I like Mark Davis who's the artist who did a bunch of designs for Disney, but I'm not like a Disney. I've never been a Disney world or anything. I'm so glad to hear that because in the notes somebody wrote that you're a Disney gay. Well, I saw that he's saying, I will go the distance from Hercules at some show. Oh yeah, I did sing at the other week. But I mean, I sang this song because that's a good song, but I've never been to Disney World or Disneyland. I'm happy to hear that. You're just an art gay. You're free. Not a Disney. Mark Davis, my favorite artist and Ivan Earl, who was the art director for Sleeping Beauty, these were my influences when I was drawing. But so was Jim Lee from X-Men. You ate the song up. It was good. Oh, thank you. Honestly, I thought you were going to be the very first successful Disney gay that I've met. Really? No, I've never been. These two are Disney. Oscar's over there staring at you. You're a Disney gay? No. Both of them. Oh, not Keen. Keen. He's like, no. I don't know. I'm real straight, dude. No Oscar. But what is a Disney gay? And James. You're always at Disney World. Please don't ask. I don't know. Why were you so offended? All the time. Like twice a month, maybe? Twice a month? That seems like a lot. You think? How often do you go to James then? You also go to Universal Studios. I've never been there either. It's a great process. I only go a few times a year. OK. But I'd go more if I could. But you really used to go a lot more. No. And then you met Frank. And thank God, because he's kind of helped. He's my boyfriend. No, no, no. It's my boyfriend. That's his fake name. His real name is Brandon. OK. I was like, Martin Short? No. Yes and no. Who I love. You've gone to Disneyland less since you've met Frank. No. It's just kind of how it's got. It's unrelated. Should I go to Disney World? I've never been. No. Like is it not? OK. You should go. Don't. I don't think. I would. I would. I would. I would have a hard time with it. Oh, actually it might be good content for you. Right. It might be good content to go to Disneyland or Disney World. As a 40-year-old. Yeah. You think that bitch takes her dolls to Disneyland? It goes to day at Disneyland. Oh, I want to see that vlog. Oh my God. And she probably pays for the tickets and probably pays for the VIP access. Oh my God. She's nuts. Now, speaking of nuts, and I don't know, you're going to have to tell me where to find this woman. But I read about the woman who washes her panties in the hotel. Ew, don't ever say panties again. In the hotel curing machine. Yes. Ew. Ew. Yes. And she's trying to backtrack now because everyone's giving her so much shit. She should be banned. Yeah. Travel banned. Travel banned. She put them. She showed it on a video, and she said it was a tip from a flight attendant. I said, no, it's not. Don't. No one's ever done this before. No one's ever done this. She put them in there, and she goes, in case you just don't. There's so many. Maybe a spirit airline. In case you run out of. Yeah. She's like, in case you ever run out of underwear, here's a way to wash her. And then you put it in there. That is so disgusting. Yes. In the whole time. Disgusting. Disgusting. Yes. In the whole time. Hope that's the, I never use those. No, I never do. I'm not sure. I'm doing it anyway. The Nespresso. The Nespresso ones, you're safe. She'll put, no, she'll put her underwear right in there. What? I don't even use those. How are you so? I order fresh coffee. Oh no. You can afford a nicer coffee. Don't do it. I can't, I can't even, how do you, there's a sink, there's a shower. You can just pack more underwear. That's the other thing. That's the other thing. That's the other thing. You're going to Marshall. Yeah. Yeah. Who gives a shit as long as you have underwear on? Not CVS underwear. Matteo, she says she saves space. She saves space in her luggage. How big are your panties? I want to know, I want to know what she's, I want to know what else is in her luggage. What else are you saving in your space? That's the thing that is not taking up room is your underwear. I show you, I mean, look at her. Yours do. Yeah, that's true. I got my big dumpers. No, those are big panties. Yeah. Like you have a separate carry on for them. Yeah. Why do you think we had to get that big closet in my house? Yeah. Got to put my underwear in there. And then Sarah, if you could please promote your live events coming up. Yes. This weekend in Boston, March 6 and 7, the 26th through the 28th in Appleton, Wisconsin, April 10 and 11th, Arlington, Virginia. Go to sarahcolona.com. But there's more dates on there too. And follow Felice Navi Paws. How long have you had that Instagram? I don't know. I'm sure it says on there. Focus on the lady. Now, there is a discussion here that we have had numerous times. And I think it's funny that I heard that you have discussed it, where we think that certain Disney characters are gay. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And we've discussed it many times. Now, he thinks, now Lion King, for example. Yeah, I had a joke I said. I think Scar is gay because he was like, be prepared, which is a joke about a song about douching. And yeah, they're all gay. Most of them are, I think, for the most part. Yeah. Oh, so you think Scar is gay? It's a picnic basket. Yeah, he's very gay. I agree. Yeah. I absolutely agree. I can see that. I mean, even though he's like, oh, Elephant Grave, y'all. I was like, OK. His friends are hyenas. The whole thing is queer-baited. That's so funny. Yeah. The other thing too is you discuss Uber culture, which we do as well. And it seems like New Yorkers do not talk to Uber drivers. LA, I can't handle LA Ubers. I can't handle it. I get in and suddenly this guy is telling about his script. And in New York, you say, by the way, it is a mutual not wanting to speak to one another. We do not speak to each other. And I used to have a joke where I was like, because this is true. I got into a car accident on 36th Street and 7th Avenue. And I looked. The guy and I made eye contact and I just left the car. I was like, I'm going to go take the train. You just don't talk to each other. It's so rare if someone wants to talk to you in New York. And it's not like a rude thing. It's a New York thing. I don't know. Yes. No, do you also, so do you take a lot of Ubers in LA? I have to because I don't have a license anymore. New York, I take the train. Or if I have to, if I like, in a rush, I'll take an Uber. But so your license is expired. Expired. Yes. Got it. OK. But you know how to drive. You can do the quiet ride. You can ask for a quiet ride. They don't. I don't know how to do that. I'll just send you out. I feel like they'll talk if you want to talk or I do talk sometimes. But I'll always chat. I'm never rude. I'm not like, how dare you speak to me. But I'm always like, I really wanted to listen to Mariah. Yeah. So you don't say the things to them that you said to me earlier. In that sometimes I will. I'm pretty confrontational. I have to stop it. I think what happened is that I think that people think that this is gotcha radio and that I'm looking for shit to like. But I just was trying to figure out, which I should have been more transparent about, like what are the boundaries here? What are the goalposts? What am I supposed to talk about? What can I not talk about? So I don't think you're used to that. And we were joking that you kind of snapped at me a little bit. And that's why we're saying that about the Uber drive. But you and I are good now. But have you taken a waymo? I don't like it. I had to take it for like some promo and it really felt dangerous. Like I really didn't like it. I like it. I live in the waymo. What about do you get music? Because we get musically profiled here in Los Angeles and they're Ubers. Oh, what do you mean? Watch. When you call your Uber right now, you'll get in. He will switch it from hot chili peppers to. For you. I'm a beauty dancer. Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis live. Every weekday on SiriusXM as well as the Jeff Lewis channel, exclusively on the SiriusXM app.