Buried in Grief| Girls Gone Bible

You guys, we walked in here today and we literally look like the Bob's two twins. We have the same outfit on. She's not on purpose. We're both wearing black leggings and black long sleeve shirts. Both of our hair is down, which never happens. Your hair is never down. I'm always a hat. You know half up, half down. It's like my comfort here, dude. It's her comfort. It's her literal comfort. Like she feels a little bit uncomfortable with her hair down. Did anybody else ever feel that way? You have a comfort do. I know my other girlfriend likes her hair select. Carolina. Oh my gosh. I want to wear a snout back here. Do so bad, but I always say that I would look like I'm like the army. I could not. Guys, you don't want to see me in a slick bag, bud. You don't want to see all this hair back like that. I wish so bad. I could be like a clean girl aesthetic hair all the way back. But it's so classic. But you're like, we're kind of like rough riders with a little too much powder, right? I mean, I just like a little, I like a little bang. Like a fan of a far, a faucet bag, you know? I have to have a bang, guys. I can't live a flowy bang. My mom gets mad at me when I don't have bangs. Any other Eastern Europeans have a mom who is like very particular and how she likes your hair or style or makeup. My mom is so, your mom is too, right? Like so particular. Like my mom will call me and be like, watch this week's episode. You need a cut your bangs. And I'm like, I'm giggling up. Guys, hi, I'm Anj. And I'm Ari. And this is Girls Gone Bible. We are a faith-based podcast where we talk all things, spirituality, mental health, the Bible. We love Jesus so much. We are here to walk with God with you. Read the Bible with you. Teach you the scriptures. Learn the scriptures for ourselves. Walk through trials, hardships and deep suffering at times. And then get through things with you guys and show you what it's like to go through things and then make it on the other side with Jesus. What's up, Ari? What's been so cool is that we've walked together. Like they've seen us through so many seasons of heartbreak and grief and trying to figure this process out of being in Christianity. I think that's the best part about what we do with Girls Gone Bible. Because you've seen us at our lowest and we've all gone through it together. And it's just so special. I was really reflecting on that the other day. It's so special. You guys have watched us grow so much. Yeah, I think this season of my life specifically has made me really grateful for the fact that Jesus has put us in a position of leadership in a way of hosting and leading a podcast. This is a form of ministry. And I think when I came into this, I had this ideal and expectation for myself that I would be absolutely perfect and never being able to go through things or experience even hardship in my own faith because you're leading something. What I've discovered as I've been walking through somewhat of a difficult season recently, I am going to let you guys into it eventually. It just not yet. I don't even know where I was going with that sentence. Sorry. Sorry. I'm not planning on doing this at all. And we're going to talk about being the light and salt of the earth. I think I think. I think. Stop. Okay. Sorry. I think I feel super vulnerable today because our and I had we planned on walking through the gospel of Matthew with you guys and like we just wanted to do a series on like the terminal and just like all of Jesus's teachings and we had been planning that for a while. And this was the first time we're going to do in Matthew 5 of Jesus teaching about how as believers were meant to be the light and salt light of the world and the salt of the earth. And I felt so vulnerable to take some like. I don't feel like the light of the world, you know, and I don't feel like the salt of the earth right now. And so it's just so hard because I'm like, I have to teach these principles and these things that. Of course, I'm who I am at my core and who I've been, but also like we have to be completely honest. That sometimes we come on the podcast and like we might not exactly be feeling what we're teaching sometimes, you know what I mean? And like I think are you and I are also learning the balance of like congruency in a position of leadership where like like yeah, I'm going to tell you guys about how to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth will also like actively walking through these things myself. And I'm in a season right now where my faith isn't great, you know. And strength and I don't even know where I'm going with this one. I say I just couldn't even do this episode. So being honest because I read the scripture about salted how it's meant to preserve and and all these things I'm thinking about and how it says like if salt loses its flavor, like what power does it have? What's the point? And I'm like, oh man, I really feel like I've my salt has lost its flavor recently, which is I love you, but you know, and so anyways, I say all that to say that this is where I'm going to be right now. It's so hard coming on the podcast and pretending everything is okay when I'm just walking through a lot and everything I've ever I don't want to do this. What's happening? Honestly, I just this is the strong like you as your friend, I'm watching you. This is the strongest I've ever seen you. I love you. I'm so proud of you. Stop saying why am I doing this. This is literally the Lord speaking through you. And this is what I wanted you to do, but on your time, this is going to help so many people. This is strength. Thank you. This isn't weakness and I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Yeah, I think it's just like everything that I've ever taught, you know, I think suffering is like such a big part of GGB and how to suffer well and how to suffer with Jesus and you join in a suffering you share in his glory and it's so easy to like teach and preach and communicate that stuff from like an authentic place because we've both been through deep suffering. And we've both had to do this before. And then when you face things yourself that bring about deep suffering you. You realize like, okay, so this is the time where I have to put everything that I say to everybody else into practice. And so I'm learning how to in the season suffer well and suffer with Jesus. Yeah, so I'm here with you guys in the thick of whatever you're going through and just know that if you're in a situation where your faith is maybe. I don't want to say that. Why? Why? It's real. It can be real. It's beautiful. That's a beautiful thing to say. That's what so many people are going through right now. I would love to hear that when I was going through. I think I'm in a situation right now where. It's more than just like anxiety and it's more than just, you know, a little bit of hardship. I think my nervous system has been just destroyed. And so I think. I think. Yeah, I think it's just interesting to think about faith from this perspective that there's like a physical. See, this is why I can't do this. This isn't help. Follow just falling apart. You know, no, I'm not saying for you. I'm saying for myself. I don't want to just it doesn't help anyone to just follow part of the people. But this we are this it is though. This is where we're real girls who go through things. Yeah, I think. What I'm trying to say is like. I think we've talked so much on the podcast about like if you're having anxiety, if you're having depression, just pray and just and that's all true. Just read the word. Yes, absolutely. And there's an element to like. To where you just you can't pray. You can't use a loose faith. There's just like an element to like trauma and tragedy. Grief. That. It's not, you know, just a matter of. Have faith, trust God. And that comes and that's true. Anyways, I think what I'm trying to say is if you're in a situation where you feel like your faith is rocked, you just got to move through it. And you keep doing all the spiritual practices. Spending time with Jesus. Yeah, I just anyways, truly what I'm trying to say is. I think I've felt a little not guilty, but just like. Sometimes we talk about anxiety and stuff in a way that's just like. You have to have faith through it. And like I just want you guys to know when traumatic things happen when your nervous system is in overdrive when. Crazy things happen like having faith isn't the easiest thing in the world. And. We're just like you guys going through things that you are. And. Absolutely isn't helpful at all because I'm not saying anything. This is so so so helpful. You don't need so you don't need to teach all the times so people seeing you as a real person going through things makes people feel so seen. Yeah. You make me feel seen. Do you know how many people are battling with grief right now? They can't cut out a bed. Grief is weighing them to the bed and to see you. Someone that they love, they look at you like family, to see you going through it too. Last night when I was out, I had a girl come up to me and she said, you know, I've lived in LA and the darkness. And when I saw you to come from such darkness too, have such past, seeing you guys talk about your darkness brought me into the light. So when you say, like, I don't feel like the salt, this is salt, this is seasoning people to make people feel seen. This is bending down to them. You're meeting people where they're at right now. This is why people break us. Like, this is why I mean, I had nothing to teach when we first started. I was so buried in grief and heartbreak. I didn't think I would ever be okay again. And that's all I had was to share my grief and to say, hey, this is what I'm going through. And it made people feel seen. I hope it did. I think it's going to be talking about this just about how like, just the reality of like, when really, really hard things happen. Yeah. Send not only your mind and your heart, but your body into like a difficult, dark place. I'm sure so many people feel shame that they're like, not close to Jesus. Not close to Jesus and not having the faith. And yeah, I think it's been super humbling for me because I've never struggled with faith ever. And it's just like, it's just like a really rude awakening that, my goodness, we are like fragile as humans. You know, we were so fragile and things can get really dark. And then it feels weird as a believer to be like, nothing to be like, you know, Jesus is the hope of the world, like the hope of the world lives inside of you. And then to feel hopeless is so, it's just weird. I know, you know, yeah, and I'm sure you went through that so much. You were in your grief. And everyone's just like, trust Jesus, trust Jesus, trust Jesus. And yes, of course, and deep down, I don't, it doesn't matter what I'm going through. The second I like even remotely lift my eyes above whatever circumstance I'm in, I see the truth. You see the heavenly perspective. You know, and everything heals. And everything passes. All right, guys, the holidays always bring out my perfectionist side. If you're trying to find the perfect gift, host the perfect gathering, do everything just right. And every year I am reminded that perfect is in actually possible or honestly necessary. And that's one of the reasons why we love ritual. It fully takes the pressure off. 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And it's like sometimes, it's obviously the right thing, right? Trust Jesus, but sometimes it can feel so dismissive. Right. Because sometimes you just, you're nervous system. Like you're so buried in grief, you're nervous system, the trauma that you go through when, you know, when you experience loss, it's so much more than just trust Jesus. And I remember when I first came into Christianity, I felt like, gosh, yeah, maybe I'm, I don't trust, maybe I don't have faith, maybe I'm not good enough for this thing, because I still can't get out of bed. I still don't know how to trust. I still have so much bitterness. I can't get out of this. And so what I've learned is like, you need to surround yourself with people that love you. You need to be so patient with yourself. Right. Yeah. You have to be so patient with yourself. Take it from me. Somebody who refuses to be in the broken place that I am. Someone who like, I hate it. I'm an overcover. I'm not, I don't submit to this type of reality like I have had to learn. I have truly had to learn how to do this is the first time I've eaten my life. I've had to learn to give myself grace, you know, and be patient with myself, you know, force myself to get out of a place that I'm in. Not enough. It's like your responsibility to just cry on it. Absolutely not. Can you just repeat what, remind me what you just said. I was talking about giving yourself grace and being patient with yourself and not trying to force yourself to be further along, you know, healing process that you are. And you can't force yourself out of grief and you can't feel yourself out of. Right. And, and, and, and by that, which means like, it could mean so many things for, for different people. For me, I'll just say, like, I would just like run to something to latch on to. And for the first time in my life, God was like, you cannot, you're done. You, there is nothing to latch on to. You can only latch on to me, and you have to heal the right way. And so, um, yeah, like really facing it, really facing the problem is, I think is what you're saying. Yeah, totally. And just like, definitely facing it, which is I used to be a lot like you, where I'd be like, you just push through, move forward, busy up, like, you know, do whatever you need to do to. Get out of whatever you're feeling. Um, and I. Is so facing it, but also like, you have to like just accept where you are in a process of grief. And even if like, and I know that maybe you should like dealt with this too. But when you're going through something and, of course, people can relate to you, but nobody knows what you're going through now. Yeah, nobody knows what you're going through now. Yeah, nobody knows what you are feeling. And even listening to pressures of like, move on, get over it. Yeah. That's please. Yeah. And I feel like so many people deal with that too. And it's just so interesting about grief, because grief is so weird, because you are like almost stuck in time in a way. And everybody keeps the road back. The world is moving. You feel stuck. Yeah. And the day is just go by, and you're just sitting there like, yeah. And so I think it's, you just have to be patient with yourself, guys, wherever you are. Give yourself grace. Just know that trying to force yourself to be in a different spot. And that's not to say that you submit to just being in grief and depression forever. Obviously, you know what I mean? Like you do the necessary things to heal and move forward and get better. And at the same time, you can't force yourself to be anywhere else than where you are. You only will hurt yourself more. You'll only keep your suppress. And, and you know, have things come up later. Yeah, I think this is the first time in my life. And I hate it so much, even though I know it's a good thing. I literally hate it so much. It's the first time where the Lord is literal is like you are facing everything head on, no distraction. And I know, like Philophanthany Mitchell says, suffering that's under the blood of Jesus. What did he say? I forget what he says. But anyways, he says suffering that's under the blood of Jesus is good, is fruitful, is really good. So I just, those are things that I keep looking toward. And so if you're in a situation where you're suffering or you've had tragedy, seriously, the only thing, the number one thing that gets me by is the thought that, oh my gosh, what could this be producing inside of me? You know, if this is this pain, if this is this bad, there's something, there's a version of me that's... And I can't... It's like there's a version of you on the other side that is... So much more like Jesus. And I keep being reminded that there is just like, it's so cuter and intuitive, it feels the opposite, but there's so much healing that takes place in suffering. There's so, if you allow it, if you submit your suffering to Jesus, if you are doing things the right way, because you can suffer incorrectly, which I have, by the way. But like, if you are suffering the right way with Jesus, it means that there's also healing taking place at the same time. And so, that's not to like put a bandaid on your suffering, because it doesn't take away. And also, this is like the human experience, and that's kind of beautiful, you know, that... All right, guys, we had this moment the other day. We're sitting there and realizing how much better we feel when our nails look good. And not in a vain way, but in a put together functioning adult way. We just want to be honest that when we found all of in June, it was honestly game-changing. This past weekend, when we were on tour, I broke a nail, right? And I was freaking out. I always break a nail in the worst times. And you know what we did? 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This is what we go through in life, and there's just got to be so much beauty in it to feel this deeply, you know? I am just so proud of you. I'm just happy to just walk through this with you, because you know, you've seen me go through this. You've seen me go through such grief, and I would go through it all over again. I told you that the other day, like I would go through it all over again to just be the woman that I am right now. And I think about my life, it just went this way then, but it couldn't have been any other way. I had to go through the grief, the pain, the heartbreak, all of it to become this woman that God has molded me into. And so... That's an amazing woman. I can just tell you that exactly what you said. There must be something so amazing on the other side. Do you have anything else you want to say? I really like your hair. Thank you. A lot. I'm going to go lie down. Anything I'm going to go darker. Wow, I like you darker. I like me darker too, which is why I have some extensions in that are super, super light. And so I have to like have the rest of my hair match it, but I wish I had your exact color right now. Girls, am I right? We went through a crowd of those crying. That is what we do. You guys have no idea. This is what we do. It's funny. I kept hearing tired on the way here. I just feel like so many of us are tired. And I promise for me. That's that it's going to pass. Thank you. That season's going to pass. You're going to wake up. Things are going to shift. And then sometimes griefs will hit you again. It hit me at home again over the holidays. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What did that feel like? I think that I sometimes I preach like God's ways are so much better than our ways. That will be that will be done. His will be done. You know what I mean? Like I get good, good plans for you to like, where are they? You know, I really, I preach that message. And I know that message in my bones because of what I've lived through. Yeah. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I have these desires. And it doesn't change the fact that I'm in my 30s and I get scared. It doesn't change the fact that I really want to be a mom. And I look around and all my friends have kids and I don't. Yeah. And so sometimes panic hits me. Sometimes grief hits my heart. And can I ask what it felt like? Like what is it like when the grief comes over you? Because grief is such an interesting thing. It's weird. It's there's different. There's different kinds of grief. Yeah. I feel like breakup grief is almost sometimes harder because the person is still alive. And if somebody dies. Yeah. Right. And I think grief for me at first looked different from what it is now. Sometimes I couldn't even like get out of bed for days. I looked dead in my eyes. Sometimes it hits, it's like I wrote this in our devotional, but sometimes it hits you so hard that you feel like you can't come up from it. Like you can barely breathe. And then it's like a wave. Like it's like a tidal wave that comes over you. Yeah. Literally. It's a wave and you can breathe easy again. And like so that's what grief is. It comes and it goes sometimes you can't get out of bed and sometimes you feel so good and then you'll be at a red light and you'll see something or a song will come on. I think I talked about this in the last episode and like it hits you and it can ruin your day sometimes. And grief when you lose someone, it can be lifelong and it's something you learn to live with. Yeah. But there's such beauty and grief because there's, I'm able to to connect and see people in a different way than before. I'm able to love more. I'm able to have more compassion for people. Grief is the is love with nowhere to go. So it is really beautiful if you think about it. It is. I wrote that in the devotional. Really? It's love with nowhere to go. But yeah, so. Yeah, it comes. It came during the holidays. I think the holidays bring up so much. Oh, yeah, for sure. They bring up so much and so I would hear something. It's like, you know, when something says someone says something and it just like triggers you a little bit. Yeah. And that panic just came on a little bit of like, oh my gosh, okay, I'm 2026. Okay, another year my birthday just came. And then when I put the pieces together, I had to heal this past two years. If I if God didn't keep me in this place, I wouldn't have grown as much as I did. Yeah, I could, you know, so it all makes sense, but it's still grief. And what do you know? So, so I was just, you know, so I would. I had so many moments of that like panic. Like right now for me, grief feels like loneliness and a little bit of panic. Yeah. But I'm so full of joy in the season in my life. Truly, I am like I can say that. You really are. Um, you too. I, I, I, I, I just, I think for me, the one thing I never thought I'd be able to get, I never thought I would be able to get to a place where I can truly wake up and feel so fulfilled without needing another person. Yeah. And I talk about that a lot, but it, I don't think there's anything more satisfying than that. Like I, I feel filled. Yeah. I never thought I could get to a place where I wouldn't need someone. And I think when you get to that place, you, you're, it's a, it's, it's a healing that you can't break after that. Like when you can truly wake up and, and feel free and, and just be okay with the Lord, it's like. Yeah. It's real freedom. It's a gift. It's a gift. And the, that's why they say singleness is a gift. That's why singleness is a gift. So I've really had to go through that process. And that's taken years, many years. And some people may like some of you guys talking, I mean, talking, some of you guys listening right now, you throw in the towel because like, you're, all right, it's been enough time. But I, I, if I would have like rushed this healing process, I would not be this woman I am. Yeah. And I'm really proud of myself. Like I really am. I've never been, I've never felt good or proud. I've never felt where they know, never, never. I feel like I'm finally stepped into the woman that God has called me to be. And that took a lot of patience and a lot of working through grief, a lot of mornings on my face by myself on my, my living room floor, crying out. A lot of crying to my friends, you know, of just being held and my friends just holding so much space for me. You were such a, you were the light in my life, like, you know, the salt and light, like you, you were that and that's why it's so it's just, it's crazy to hear you say this because you have no idea the impact that you've, you've carried in my life of, you've held my grief. I love you so much all this time and you loved me and, and that's what grief looks like you, you just need some good friends to hold you and you were at you never like rushed me or, you know, told me to just trust Jesus. Sometimes I do it right? Never. That's why you became my best friend so fast you would always I'll give you some advice on what to do to hold grief that Angela did. God has healed me so much from. Open enrollment always feels like one of those moments where you're supposed to make a big decision, but no one actually explains anything. 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And so I would look at Angela and I would be like, I would ask her the same question. And she was so the reason why she became my best friend so quickly, honestly, is because she literally would sit there and act like it was the first time I would ask that question. And she just looked at me like, there was no judgment with you. Like you, you truly just loved me through that grief. That's why I like, I'll never forget it. That's why I like, I'll talk about it every episode on stages because you were that you were that were that light and you led me to Jesus by meeting me where I was. Like Jesus what did Jesus didn't rush me in my grief. He didn't like tell me to heal and just trust him. He walked through it. And that's why as people of light, we need to do that too. We need to meet people where they're out. We need to sit with them. We don't need to rush them. Listen to them. I think a lot of people get really impatient with people that are going through grief. I lost a couple of friends through my grief journey because they got really impatient. It's not easy to deal with someone when they're going through grief. It's so true. It's not true. And so sometimes people are like, I can't deal with this. They need to move on. They need to go on. But until you go through that deep grief, that's why it's so beautiful. Like I don't know if you have lost someone, but it was like you understood. Yeah. And so you just need to be patient with people. And so I think that's why I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think that's why I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. And so I think a lot of people are going through grief. Not like trauma bonding in an unhealthy way. But like, they're just when when you get to be there for some, I think that's also what I'm learning in this season too, is like, I struggle so much with asking for help. I struggle so much with asking for support. Because I just don't want to feel like a burden ever. And I've just like, realize so much that the way that I want to be there for other people. People want to be there for me too. People want to show up. Like, it's an honor for people to be there. Like, it was an honor for me to be there for you through the beginning of us being friends. Like, that was my favorite. Like, I love I also have a safer complex. That's not good. But you know, like, there's nothing better than I love being there for people. So I'm just going to assume that other people want to be there for me too. You know what I mean? Like, I would say sorry to her all the time. Like, I just want to say like, how sorry I am for that time where I was such a mess. Like, and she will look at me and she'll be like, huh? I'm like, I just feel like a member. I don't know if I remember it last, but you, I remember the beginning of our friendship being the best. Like, I had the time of my life. Like, I had this best time with you. That's crazy. And so I don't even remember you going through anything. Is that weird? I don't remember, like, you, even through your group, I will say that even through your, your grief, I will say that even through your, your grief, you were just like the most joyful, insanely funny person down for a good time. Or you would be so deep in grief. And I would take her to Pilates with me. Yeah, because I had this girl come and sue me up. I was so lonely. And then I, and then God sends me her. And she's like, she like caught me. I was like, anything you did, I'd be like, okay, let's go. I will, I mean, let's go. This episode is brought to you by IQBAR, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. 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All IQ bar products, including the ultimate sampler pack plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, text GGB to 64000. That's GGB to 64000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. I don't even know how in your deepest grief you're able to go to like workout classes with me. You know, you was just so happy to be half a friend. I'm like, you would be with you. So when we first met you guys know this, but when Ari and I first met, I was in the height of like my honestly like, disordered eating like I was I was on the carnivore diet. I was like, I went through this period like the OCD was bad. The hyperfixation on food was bad. I have a lot more freedom now. You guys know this. But I went through this period when Ari and I first became friends first, I was carnivore diet. So beef lots of beef eating beef all day. I made her beef. And I didn't know that she was this way. So she thought I just really liked beef. Like she didn't know why I would make her beef with fetiches. And she'd be like, mmm, like good. I did. I made anything she said. I did. I made her eggs with fetiches. She would be like, mmm, and then like leave them on the plate. And I'd be like, huh, she's not hungry. And then I then had a hyperfixation on getting poultry from the farmer's market. From the butcher. I would pick her up every day same time. I didn't know that this kid just wanted a friend. I thought she was also interested in what I was interested in. No, she just wanted to come along for the ride. I'd pick her up. We'd go to the grove in LA. We'd go to the farmer's market. We'd get, I would be like, truly, you guys don't understand. I'd be so excited to go to the butcher. And she probably, you probably were like, what is wrong with this chick? Like she's so weird. I loved it. I was so passionate about this chicken. So we'd get raw chicken every single day. We'd go to Ari's house and then I'd make it for us. And I was just like, this is so cool. We have all the same interests. When really she just wanted a friend. And it was so, that was truly the best time. And I made her eat chicken. And then I remember you'd be like, And she'd think we could have a steak tonight. And I'd be like, no, no. I think it's best we go to the butcher. I was like, okay, chicken again. I am so, you have to say, I am so evolved from that now. Who was that? I was like, I was so tight. Honestly, we should probably get it back on that chicken carrot schedule. Yeah. Cause that was chicken and carrots. That's what it was. Chicken and carrots. I enjoyed every second. I'm wearing Pilates socks right now. I got my belly. Why are you wearing the same outfit? Belly flops. The Bobsy twins. Can we get back to that? Yeah. Can we make chicken and carrots this weekend? Yes. I think we should. We, her, me and Ann, had a little weekend together. And I just kept looking at her thinking, cause it's, like we haven't really, it's been so crazy with tour and then we're exhausted. And I like live a little bit further now. I live somewhere else. Yeah. So it's like, her and I like really bonded this weekend. And it was so sweet. Just it felt like all times. And for the first two years of our friendship, we had sleepovers every single day of our lives. Super healthy. It made me happy. It was really nice. We sat on the beach together. You guys should do that. That was really healing. Yeah. Being on the beach, reading the word on the beach. We pushed ourselves out of the house. We sat on the beach. We brought our bible. Yes. We prayed together. We just talked to God together. Pray for each other. Read some songs. Lilize here. Lilize here. Lilize there. Lilize there. 43, 46. Listen. Don't you always feel so good after a little cry? There's not, listen, I'm just going to tell you, you ask what does There were, when I first went through my grief, I just want you to tell me, US, what does grief feel like? When I first went through my grief, I just want you guys to know you're not alone. I actually felt like I was going to die. It wasn't just about the break. I mean, I was I literally experienced loss after loss after loss. You compounded losses that you hadn't dealt with in the last one. And so when there's a breaking point, it's so much more than just a breakup. Deaths, loss of job, financial burden, all of that loss and just getting it all stripped from you. I mean, I was so done. And I know so many people that battle that were there. I can't live anymore. I feel done. And I want to let you know that you are not alone. There are moments where you feel how am I going to make it through the day. I can't do this anymore. The fight is too much. You're going to feel so tired to the point where you're just rotting in bed for days. And I just want to let you know that it is going to get better. It is going to get better. The Lation 6.9 do not grow weary because there is a harvest on the other side when you don't give up. And like not giving up doesn't mean like get up and be happy and all these things. Sometimes not giving up just looks like baby steps every single day. But I love that we talk today about just trustees. It's because so many people feel like I just you just can't spiritually bypass, pay it. And like you can't just put a spiritual this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, we've been thinking a lot about how every new year comes with this pressure to become like a whole new person. But honestly, most of us don't need a new version of ourselves. We just need a less burdened version. A version that's not carrying around the same fear, perfectionism, old pressure, or whatever that thing is that keeps weighing you down. For me, I've been learning to let go of the pressure that I have to have everything figured out all the time. And the more awareness I have around it, genuinely the lighter I feel. And that's why therapy matters. It gives you an outside perspective that helps you understand your motivations, your patterns, and your relationships in a way that you can't always see on your own. And what I love about BetterHelp is that they work with fully licensed therapists who follow a strict code of conduct. And they make the matching process simple so you can focus on your actual goals. You just fill out a short questionnaire and with over 12 years of experience and one of the strongest match fulfillment rates in the industry, they typically get it right the first time. And if not, you can switch therapists any time from their tailored recommendations. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and has helped more than 5 million people with an average live session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million reviews. BetterHelp makes it so easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. You can sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash girls gone Bible. That's better, H-E-L-P.com slash girls gone Bible. Like better, over some over deep suffering. And it's good to remind people to trust Jesus. I keep asking people like, remind me who Jesus is. Talk to me about him. Like, just remind me who he is. I need to be reminded because it's a little convoluted, it's fusing right now in my head. And so it's good to hear the truth about who God is, of course. But also, you just don't need to feel, I think our point in saying that trust Jesus thing is you don't need to feel bad when you are in survival mode, deep grief, burnout or like deep tragedy that like trust Jesus isn't working. That's actually normal if it's not working and that's okay. And you will get to a place point blank period where it starts to feel true to you again. And it's okay if it doesn't feel true right now. It's okay if in moments it doesn't feel like the truth that Jesus is, has a great plan for your life or that he will work all things together for good. Like, we know that that's truth and it doesn't always feel that way. And the one thing that helps me, I literally, this is like a practical thing that I do. When I find myself in a swirl of lies and like confusion and like, oh my gosh, this is how am I going to get out of this? I'm never going to get better and things are really, really bad right now. Whenever I feel that, I always, I remember, I don't know who I heard say it one time or it's just like there's like our current reality and then there's a heavenly perspective right above it. And like whenever we're looking at our current reality, which is totally normal, that's why we have moments where we lose faith because if we always stayed and our heavenly perspective, of course, you'd have faith. But the second you put your eyes down here and you're in the natural things don't look good here. Most of the time for a lot of people and that's completely normal. And what I've learned through everything I've ever been through is that I don't need to have shame for looking at the natural and being like, oh shoot, this does not fill my heart with faith right now. However, what has been so helpful is whenever I find myself stuck in this reality in the natural, my current circumstance, the pain that I'm in, the confusion that I'm facing and just like all this whole swirl of lies and mess, it's almost like I literally, I'll do this. I'll like actually like pretend I'm like rising above it and I look above and it feels like I remember the promises of God and it's like me and Jesus lock eyes and I'm like, okay, you are here and you are doing something and I can trust that and I do that so many times a day where I'll be down here and then I look up and I see Jesus and I'm like, okay, he is up to something. He's doing something. There has to be goodness. It is the promise of God that no matter what you're doing or no matter what you're going through, there is good that will come out of it period. And I can speak to that from experience because I've gone through so much of it in my life. And I read something the other day that was like, whenever you ask somebody, like what is your most of the time whenever somebody has had like insane spiritual transformation or an insane life change and you ask them, they will talk about their suffering. Like almost all the time. When you ask someone, what brought you to this point of like insane faith and a lifelike down for Jesus? Like what brought you to that point? They almost always say it was suffering. I can testify. It is the vehicle a lot of the time by which we enter into great faith. And so whoever needs to hear that, that whatever you're facing is your vehicle to an amazing fiery, great faith. And I'm talking to myself too, even if it feels nothing like that right now, you just have to endure. We just have to endure. You just have to get to the other side of it. Be as what it comes, let's say. And we've been denied joy coming in the morning. And I can tell you, I said this to Angela, if I had to go back and go through everything all over again. And I went through pain that felt like I was not going to survive it. I would go through it all over again. And that's some deep pain just to become the woman I am today. So good. And I can point back to every single moment. And it was only through the grief, the suffering, God taking away certain things in my life that I can point to those moments and say you are there and you're real. And I would not know him as healer, as my father, as the God that sees me. Yep. If I did not go through all of the hardships, the pain, the grief, the moments where I couldn't pick myself up off the floor. If I didn't go through all that, and it's like, I go back to those moments of the grief on my floor. I'm like, we didn't, you picked me up in that moment. Yeah. Or I couldn't breathe. And he helps me breathe easy again. And I'm just like that. I look, it was only through those moments where I saw Jesus. And so I'm just so grateful for the heartbreak, the pain, the grief. I'm so grateful for it all. And I would, I just would not be this woman of a faith and perseverance and character. I would not have the character and the boldness and authority that I have if I didn't go through it. And so I'm just going to say friends, friends, friends, community. It's really hard to sit in isolation when you are battling. Yeah. So you guys know him from Massachusetts. I have a best friend who who sister committed suicide. She was, she was going through so much grief that she just she couldn't take it anymore. And one of the things that the enemy does is when we're in isolation, it's he key attacks the mind. I've seen it in my own family. And so one of the greatest blessings that we have is each other to carry us to hold up our arms when we can't sit up street or sea straight. And so you surround yourself with people, you surround yourself with friends, you you have people pray over you when you can't speak the scriptures, you have them pray truth over you. You have them read the Bible to you when you can't see straight and read. It's crucial when we are sitting in pain and grief, community people. 100 people love. Yeah. And people want to be there for you. That's them. Anybody who's listening who feels like people like they don't want to be a burden. People want to be there for you. The right people. People want to grieve with you. They want to carry your burdens. They want to share with you what you're going through. So just find your people. Pray for those people. I think Jesus for my people. Like I think Jesus for him first and then for the people who help heal a heart that they didn't break truly. Those are anyways, that's a different episode. But I think that but I think that's another great thing about grief is it can it causes a hunger and you you can either go I could have went two ways. I could have sat an isolation and honestly took my life. Yeah. I could have because you were an isolation. I was an isolation. I at that time everybody had had moved away. So I had nobody and I'm in my little studio apartment and I could have being in that dark apartment and in my thoughts eating me alive. I mean I could have I could have went a whole different way and a lot of people do. Or you can fight which I did and and and God gave me strength. He will give you strength and it causes a hunger in you because this is what God intended for you and the the relationships, the friendships that I've cultivated through my grief will be with me. You know look at look at what look at my life. It's like I'm not a seed of faith for you guys. I don't know what is and I can't believe it like I the friends that I have the the people God brought into my life. And so let that grief drive you a hunger to to to seek friendships to go to church to join community groups. Um please let it drive you to other people because on the other side of your grief it is a life full of harvest and joy and light. Yeah. And you'll be a testimony for so many. So good. Guys we love you so much. Thank you for being with us today. This was very unexpected. We love you. So so deeply thanks for being on this journey with us. Thanks for being on this journey with me. We really would love to know in the comments what your grief journey has been like or what you did for your grief or just what it's been like. You know yeah just what it's been like in your grief if you're currently in grief if you've if you've overcome grief we want to celebrate that like please just we're obsessed with reading comments. We love when you guys comment we literally read every single one. So if you guys could comment just what you're going through or what you've overcome and how we're in this together we want to hear that. So thank you for being here. Thank you for letting me come on here and be completely undone. I don't think I would have been able to do today if not and I don't know what I would do without you guys this space girls' revival means the world to me and to both of us and I can't thank you enough you guys have given me so much strength and confidence and love and joy. Thank you Jesus for this ministry. Thank you Jesus for my sister. Thank you Jesus for all of you guys but we love you so so much and then below if you guys could write like a prayer chain what do you get we can all pray for each other too. Yeah that's amazing. Yeah I love we love you guys so much. Thank you. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He turn His face towards you and give you peace. Shalom, shalom, shalom. No, be so much.