Kumail Nanjiani Was a Cute Kid

Wave. You know, and what you can joke about and not joke about does change with the times. And I think rightly so. Like, for instance, when I was started doing stand-up back in, bleep this, 2002. Oh, shit. Sorry. I'm, I'm definitely bleeped that. What's up, dude? How you doing? I'm great. How are you? Good. Let's snap into part two. What happened? What happened? It was so natural that suddenly everything's tight. I am good. How was your day? How are you? I love my projects and my job. What about you? I like to promote them to the highest of my ability. You've been doing press-hours. I don't even like the projects. I just want to go talk to people about it. Yeah. For me, the project is work. The reward is when I get to do 12 hours of back-to-back press. That's right. People asking what my inspiration is. I cannot get enough. Oh, love talking about that. I couldn't even tell you. Yeah. It seems so arrogant to be like, well, my inspirations are, I don't, I don't fucking know. Yeah. My dad and my mother shouldn't have rolled my eyes after saying that. I genuinely love them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it just sounds like I don't. Sounds horrible. You sound like a mean guy. Which is the rumors about you. Good. Yeah. People want rumors going around about me last year. That I didn't know about until like multiple people. Someone pulled down, there was a rumor going around last year that I was having an affair with Michelle Obama. Congratulations. No, I was so excited. My friend, our mutual friend, pulled down the aside and was like, hey, so I heard that Kamala and Michelle Obama are like doing it. And she was like, she wasn't even upset. But multiple people brought it up to me. I've never met Michelle Obama. Okay, so no affair. Okay, got it. Well, there is, well, that's at the same time on that we're saying at the same time that that rumor was going around. There's been this persistent rumor that Barack is stepping out with Jen Aniston. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's a fun one. That's been a persistent one. Oh my God. So you really think we think it's real? I don't know, but what I'm saying is for my friend, Kumail, you're up there with Jen Aniston in terms of a fair reverse. I don't know. I think Michelle's slumming it and Barack. To be honest, no shade to Jen. No, you think? No, I'm just going to see it with. I'm just saying Michelle Obama is a very high bar to clear. And I love Jen Aniston. I'm genuinely a huge fan. Yeah. I don't. Who would you vote for? Well, you don't want to see the, like, one of the leaders of the free world with an actor. Well, I think you just don't want to see any actor getting that. Well, I call myself a comedian, Caleb. Yeah. Even worse. Yeah, even lower. I was going to talk to you about, I saw in one of, maybe it was like the trailer, one of the, like, clips that they put out for your special, which is out now. Just know it came out December 19th. By the time this episode comes out, but you were in the special, I feel like you talk about being like, just so you guys know, I started in stand up. Yeah. Yeah. Because you've become now a big actor and you, but I have a similar thing with the internet where I'm like, just so you guys know, I was in basements in addicts in Chicago. See, that was surprising to me about you because I knew you. As like sort of an Instagram guy. Yeah. And then Nick Crowell was the one. Have you worked with Crowell? Yeah. Because he told me he's like, this guy's actually like a good stand up. And then I saw you know, I was like, Oh, okay. Because usually, you know, I've seen those people make the transition and it's not quite as sharp. But when I watched you, I was like, Oh, this guy is an actual stand up. It's not always seamless, but that's the thing is it was the opposite for, and I feel like I wanted to talk to you about it because you've had a similar thing of like, we both started in Chicago doing stand up first. I did not know you started in Chicago. Yeah. I was at the playground. I was at the annoyance hideout all the spots. Yeah. Hideout. Hideout, dude, I was in there. That was for the cool people. That was for the cool. The cool, I actually did feel that. And the first time I got asked me on a hideout show, I was like, Okay, look at me. Things are turning around. I said, Yeah, I've just arrived. But yeah, I watched, when I watched your Inemies movie, I, and you had the one man show, I don't know if it was at the playground, like filmed there or set there. No, it was kind of, it was filmed in New York, but it's kind of, it's kind of set at the playground. I used to have a show, a monthly show that I did at the playground. Yeah. 11 p.m. on Saturday night. Yeah. Only the best slots. And that was when Emily and I had first started dating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got a studio from my own show, like way too early into being in Chicago. They were like, I love, I love the confidence of young people. They're so confident. It was delusional and inappropriate. I was in Chicago for like five months and I was like, I think I need a headlining show. What did they say? They, well, they said you can have, you can have Friday nights at 11 o'clock because no one wants it. How'd it go? Well, it went pretty bad and then it went, basically what would happen was we had that slot for a while. Like you can have it as long as you're selling any tickets at all. And so we packed it out with our friends, packed it out. I mean, we would get like 15 or 20 people in a 90 seat room, like three weeks out of the month. I think it's amazing that you said 15 to 20 people. You said, packed it out. Well, this one's saying one week a month, we would pack it out. So it'd be like 15 to 20 people for three weeks and then we would do a big special show. Okay. Like this is because it was new sketch material every week. Yeah. And we were like, this is our culmination of the month show and then we would like sell it out. And so we kept that slot for a while. And then I want to say like maybe three or four months in, they moved us to an earlier slot. So we did get moved up, but it was that first couple of months was rough. Yeah. Cause Friday's tough too because everyone has had a day. Like it wasn't like they slept in on a weekend and they were like, have you ever done like the comedy club thing? Like have you done the seven shows towards the day to Sunday? Never. So the late show Friday is notoriously the worst show. Yeah. Because they've been drinking since work, the show starting at 11. Now they're like drunk to the point of sleepy and tired. Yeah. So half is falling asleep and half are just angry and yelling at you. So the late show Friday is the worst of all the shows. Yeah. It was a nightmare. Did you do the club thing for a while? No, I actually, you know, this for this special was the first time I actually toured. But before that, I did like four weekends of clubs just to get reps in and tighten up stuff. Cause you know, if you do a theater, they're all facing you. They give you so much leeway in a club, you know, a midnight, they're getting a check drop spot. They have to have a drink minimum. So it's a much tougher crowd. Yeah. And so I did that just to like cut all my stuff down and figure out, you know, cause I did my first weekend at the Denver comedy work, which is the best, one of the best clubs in the country. Were you in the Denver proper one or the one in like Greenwood? Proper. Yes. Okay, cool. The worst show I had on tour. Tell me. I had a few nights before I recorded my special in Chicago. I did this venue in New York. It's underneath Times Square. No. Yeah, like the basement of that like Times Square is a nightmare. Imagine the basement of Times Square. What are you doing over there? Why? I think I called my agent afterwards and I was like, never, never do this kind of. I've had that phone call. Yeah. It's a, it was a bad venue for comedy, but the staff was very rude. Oh. And just like did not want us there. Like they were doing us a favor. That's the show. Okay. So that's the show. This was, you know, in March, I recorded in March. So that's the soundproof walls, Kurt Braunau, or do you know Kurt? He's amazing. Was my, no, I saw him like each shit for 25 minutes. I went on stage, shook his hand. I was like, how are they? And he's like, terrible. It's the first and only time my parents had seen me perform. Yeah. And listen, as I said in the beginning, I really genuinely love my parents. They're genuinely very supportive. My dad is maybe like the sweetest, sweetest guy. Most part working guy I've ever met after the show, to the show. I have all these friends of my parents come. And I go, and I go to my dad and I'm like, hey, thanks for coming. And he was like, it was good. And I went to hug him and he put his hand out. And his hand went into my belly. And I was like, he had it. And then they left. They walked out. And we have his spoken about it since. That is fucking amazing. And I was telling them, I have a new special coming out. And they're like, who's it? The same show that we saw? And I was like, yeah, they're like, okay. Okay, well, we might get it. We don't need to see that. We've seen it. Where did you film it in Chicago? At the Vic. Do you know the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the best. That's so cool. Yeah. Why are you doing this again? What happened? What a good question. What? Because I like to believe that we get past this at some point. Now you're back. I wouldn't. It started in the actors' writers' strike. Because I was like, you know, I, to be honest, did not misunderstand them. I really did not. I was loving acting and writing other stuff. And, you know, because I don't have like different buckets for everything. I wasn't feeling the need to get it, but to get up in front of an audience. Like I've worked with comedians, like shooting something at a night that go do a set. I don't want to do that. I'll talk to that. Yeah, it's, it's like a disease. Yeah, I'm not doing more. Yeah. But it was the actors' writers' strike. And I was about to go to this movie and then something that was really frustrated that it went away. And I was like, what am I going to do? And for years I had this thing. I hated. I didn't miss doing it, but I hated being, not being good at something that I used to be good at. So I just went back on stage to be like, is this something I can still enjoy? And can I be good at this again? And I'd gotten so scared of it that I just like hated that. Because I remember when I was in New York, I spent two years in New York. And that was when I was, my standup was like, at its best. And I'll never be as good as I was then. But I remember feeling like I could go up in front of any room and kill. And it felt like later, it felt like that was a different person. I could not imagine ever feeling that about anything. So I was like, am I able to like recapture some of that? So I really did it just to see if I could do it. And then I haven't really done it since I recorded it. Yeah, so I proved it to myself. Do you know I'm checking out again? Well, I mean, I just, I get excited about other stuff. Like to me, acting is so much harder than standup. Not that standup is easy. I think the performing of standup, I find to be fairly easy. I think you do too, I assume. You're like very natural on stage. The writing is tougher. Like it's hard to come up with beds and it's hard to write. And I enjoy it. If I already have a bit working on it, I enjoy it. But if I'm looking at a blank screen, and I've got nothing, that's like really, really difficult. So I find acting so much more challenging and difficult. Like, you know, when I'm like really got a great set, when I'm doing sets with other comedians, there's nobody really that I go and see like, oh man, I don't, I can't do that, you know? But with acting, you work with actors, and you're like, whoa, what was that? I can't do that. Like that to me is really exciting. Like someone like really fucking having a real moment with you. The El Cudden, they're like, so, did you have any bagels today? You know, to me, that's magic. Yeah. Like, name drop, I worked with you and McGregor. And pretty good name drop. And he is a pretty good name drop. Solid. Yeah, solid. Okay, I have to tell you something later. Yes, you McGregor. He's goofing around, talking, action, as I was saying, like to me, that's magic. You know, and I'd be like goofing around with them. I'm like, hey, this is pretty intense. Same do you need him at one moment? He's like, no, I don't need a moment. And he's like on it to me. Like, I'm like, I don't know how you do that. So that's what's exciting about acting to me. Like, I want to do that. That's the yeah. And I do think it's way harder. And I think there's so many reasons it's way harder. But for me, the biggest one is I'm not in charge of my own life for the whole time I'm filming something. Like they tell me when to show up. They send the car. They put me in the car. You're literally a number on a sheet. I'm a number on a sheet. And it's like, it ice, you know, a scared, frantic 22 year old bangs on my door and then like takes me away. Yeah. Like the whole thing is I'm just like, I'm being in charge of my own time at all. No. Is the hardest part for me. That is hard for you. I hate that. I love the structure of that. Really? I love someone being like, here at this time, you'll be done by this time. I found in COVID, I completely switched. Like, my day is very, very structured and regimented now. Which is why one of the many reasons that press week is so difficult for me. Because it throws everything off. But I go to bed at the same time. I wake up at the same time. I write for the same time every day. So I really, the structure of it actually makes me feel very free. What does your day look like? Your normal day at home. I'm not shooting. Normal day at home, you're not shooting. What do you do? What is your day? Because going here and you go to bed at the same time to me is like, I can't believe that. Are you one of those people that's like evaluating how cool someone is when you're talking to them? I have already evaluated you. Okay. I come up with my answer. I don't want to know. No, I want to tell you. No, I'm not evaluating you. I'm curious because I need, I think, can I tell you my struggle? It's this. I think that I would benefit from some structure and some regimen. And I think I actually secretly like it. But I'm like a fucking child or something. Yeah. And I continue to not have one. And then I suffer. I am, if I, if I left my own devices, nothing to, I am in bed before nine. You're stuck. And I get up around six thirty. Fucking kidding me. And it brings me tremendous joy. I absolutely love it. Because I do feel, I feel like, my life has really two things. It's my life with Emily. And that really is, you know, I had this epiphany. I was like, that is my reason for being on this earth. Like, yeah, that makes me regret it. Getting to know Emily. Yeah. That's like, you've got to find things I've ever heard. Otherwise, it's pointless. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Keep going. I do realize that what I have with Emily is a very, very special thing. That's not to say that we don't have to work at it. We really, really do. And it is work that is joy in the world. And it's a very, very special thing. It's work that is joy in the work. But there is intentional work that we have to do every day. But I realize that what I have with her is a very special thing. That is my purpose for being. The other thing is work. And if I go, if I'm going to bed early, my relationship with Emily is better, because we're like spending time and bed together and waking up at the same time. And my, I feel like I'm more present for work. Like I'm waking up early. I start writing by A, you know, so it's just kind of like, really all the things I care about, really line up if I'm going to bed early. It's going to bed early specifically is the thing that's changed my life most in the last five years. I can totally believe that. I think that it's probably 100% the way I should be living. I'm not prepared to do it. Is Emily going to bed at 9 o'clock as well? We have a rule that we set up when we first moved to New York. So when we first moved to New York in 2007. Believe that. Actually, let me take it again. It's like I said, when Emily and I first moved to New York in 2017. Use that. We are Emily out of job. I was like, I'm following my dreams. I was going out doing open mics, staying out late till 4 a.m. coming home. And I was playing a lot of Halo at night. Okay. And I was playing Halo. I like the, hmm, from that was the biggest reaction. He's liking that. Yeah. I was really good. I believe you. I got really, really good at Halo. And I would play so much that like the languages in my ear would change, you know, like it was time for someone in China to be like playing at a reasonable hour. And Emily eventually was like, I have a fucking day job that I do not like. I'm supporting both of us. This is kind of bullshit that you're sleeping all day and you're playing video games all night. New rule. We go to bed at the same time every day. I love her. If since, since 2007, 2008, we have stuck to that every single night that we've been together, we go to bed at the exact same time. And it used to benefit her because she had a day job and now it benefits me because you know, for work, you sometimes have to get up at 5 a.m. to go to set or whatever. That's usually when you wake up. So she's going to bed with me at like 8 p.m. and stuff. Yeah. We go to bed at the exact same time. I really, really love Emily. I think she's so fucking cool and brilliant. What is your, what is your favorite thing about her if you had to pick? You know what? She has this thing where Emily's, I mean, here's my opinion on her is not objective. Obviously, I truly think she's the coolest, best person I've ever met. I really believe that. But it's, it is objective, but people do feel that way about her. I tell Emily this. I'm like, people feel like there's some like magic about you. There is. There is. She's really fucking cool. Yeah. People really fall in love with her immediately. What I love most about her is that the parts of her that she shows me that she doesn't show anybody else, you know, like, and it took me years to get there. She's very, she's very good with people and she's also very good at connecting with people and giving the parts like no one would say Emily's closed off, right? She's very emotionally open. However, there is some curation to it. There is some stuff that other people don't get to see of Emily. And I'm the only person in the world that gets to see it. I find that to be really magical. The other thing I love is she's such a brilliant writer. And I love that I'm the first person in the world that gets to read her writing. So I'll read something she wrote. And I'm like, you were just in that, that's what you were doing that day. I was trying to write like pretty terrible stand up. And you wrote something that's like a piece of you and a PDF. Like, it's pretty magical. So she just wrote this beautiful script that I've thought about every day since I read it. And it's like, it's truly one of the best things I've ever read. And it's one of the most personal things she's ever written. It's really fucking fucked up and messy. And that's what I love is that she has that like stuff in her, the thorny, spiky stuff, emotionally spiky stuff that most people don't get to see that I get to see. She has one of my favorite qualities that I've gotten has been more time with her than with you. But I think just based on the things that she's told me about the things you guys do together and stuff, I think that you have as well. But she has, it's one of my favorite qualities in any type of relationship that I have in my life that I'm always looking for, which is curiosity and enjoyment. Yes. She's very curious and she wants to know about things in a genuine way. She genuinely cares about people. I love curiosity. I think like curiosity about stuff in places and wanting to try new restaurants and wanting to watch new things. And when someone brings something up, you can tell when you're with somebody and you bring something up that you care about and they're like indulging you and being like sure, talk about that. Sure. Versus a genuinely curious person who's like, okay, now like who really locks in and wants to know the follow ups. Yeah. Yeah. I love that about her. She's also to me the perfect mixture of head and heart where she's very emotional and leads with that, but also is like intellectual about the right things. So like she's got, she's like, and she's the one who sort of taught me to have like structure during the day. Her day is very structured, but she's a really, really free spirit. So I learned like if I can have like rigid schedule within that, I can really like fly around. Yeah. Oh, unfortunately something I probably need to hear right now. I don't know. There's just something. No, I'm not. I'm really not trying to push it because I think it's different for everyone. My, but I'm from a nocturnal family, you know, like in Pakistan, we don't eat dinner till 9 p.m. at the earliest. Yeah. Generally 10 p.m. My mom's up till 2 a.m. every night, even now like New Year's Eve, they're out later than I am. So the night is so great. It is really great to be up at like 2 in the morning and stuff. You know, it's a really like magical time. It is a magical time and I do love it. I think I could get better. I actually have gotten better in some ways, but yeah, I think, I think schedule would benefit me right now. I did something kind of cool last night and just trigger warning for you listening. This is guy who has a little bit of money behavior and I understand that. We're always apologizing for that. Oh, yeah, I feel bad. Yeah. I am really sorry. This wasn't supposed to happen to me and I totally acknowledged that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel bad about it. Yeah. The world is a dumpster fire, but I'm doing okay. I'm doing okay. I made a little money. I'm sorry. I do feel bad about it, but I was sorry. I donate, I donate. I donate. Yeah. I donate you guys. Yeah. I post the receipts on the video right here. Just pictures of receipts. I had a home on Sunday. I ended up doing a couple spots at Union Hall. I was just going to go watch a friend show and then they were like, can you do a set? And I was like, for sure, I haven't done seen it in a minute. So I was like doing some new stuff. It was super fun. Stayed out. Did you kill? I did pretty good. I would say I maybe did like a B. Okay. But it was all new stuff. So I felt excited about it. Yeah. You know, those ones were your like, if I had done some older stuff, I would have like, I feel like I would have murdered and it would have felt a different kind of good. Sure. But this kind of good is better. It is a better good. Yeah. I was having a good time and I enjoyed it and I talked to some, I talked, I met a new comic that I hadn't met before in the bar after and we chatted for a while. Having a good night. I was a 45 minute walk from home, walked home. Oh my God. You're a superhero. Oh, I love it. In this weather? You bundle, this is my favorite time of year to walk. You bundle up and you fucking go. It's awesome. I cannot handle the cold. You put on a big coat in a scarf, Camille. You're not okay. Not okay. Look at me. I'm not built for this weather. I'm like equator people. I love it. I love it and I love what? It's my favorite time of year to walk in New York because everyone is, everyone's wearing really cute outfits but everyone's like, if they're walking with someone they love, they're like touching a lot. And it's very, it's very like beautiful and pretty. I like just walking around smiling at people that are holding each other. Yeah. I'm like, oh, look at you guys. Oh my God. I'm not sweet. I'm beautiful. I love it. But here's what I did that was awesome. I was in bed and I really wanted to order McDonald's because I got a little bit of little stone and I was hungry as fuck. And I was like, it's only going to keep you up later and you're going to feel bad. Like your stomach is going to hurt in the morning if you eat McDonald's right now. So I was like, don't do that. And instead I got a little more stone. And right before I went to sleep, I high ordered breakfast for myself to get delivered to the apartment. Strong mood. Like 15 minutes after I knew I would be getting in the shower. So I was like, I'll get up. I'll get in the shower. I'll be excited that my food is coming. And I ordered bacon and I ordered bacon and an avocado toast and like a jammy egg and an ice latte. Uh-huh. It came the second I stepped out of the shower and then I just sat on my couch and ate it and I was like, this is the coolest thing I've ever done for myself. I don't even think that's rich people behavior. It was a $45 bacon and avocado. It was like, I spent $45 on it. That's not appropriate. No. But I have it like that. He has $45. He's got $45. I don't even think about it. Do you? No. I did. Sometimes in last night was one of them. Sometimes I do see the number of something I'm about to do. It feels ridiculous. And I think about how poor I was my whole life until like three years ago. Yeah. And I go, there's just little moments that I go like, that is fucking crazy. This would have ruined your life four years ago. Like you would have ruined your month by doing this. You don't mean like $45 can ruin my month in a different time of life. Totally. I remember when I had like Emily and I had less than $20 in the bank. So we had to find an ATM that gave $10 bills so we could get money. Truly. I mean, it was like I overdrafted my the North and Wells McDonald's in Chicago. Yeah. I overdraft it on McChicons. Uh-huh. Not a small amount of money. That should be the name of your special. Overdrafting on McChicons. Yeah. I did, dude. It was so. And they were, you know, what, a dollar 60 cents or something. It's like really humiliating. Yeah, it is. It is. I remember my roommate and I he had we had a burger king across the street and they had this thing where for a dollar you could get two tacos. Yeah. And we would get that and each have one taco. They had a tacos for all. Okay. I was like, what? They had tacos for a moment. They tried. Yeah. You know when Taco Bell was really like making moves. Yeah. People were like, oh, we should. Taco Bell had a heyday like the Yo Kiro Taco Bell era. No, they were big. Yeah. Is that like are you too young for that era? I don't remember that. I remember the Chihuahua. Yeah. Having a big cultural moment. He was like that. He was like, okay, I remember him. I don't remember the his phrase, but I remember him. Yeah. Yeah. So during then they were like sort of the, I would say they were the eminent, the pre-eminent, you know, the biggest coolest fast food place. Yeah. Then a subway had a moment and they really, they really ran into a wall. They picked the wrong guy. They picked the wrong guy. They picked the wrong guy. First of all, first of all, why that guy? He's a charisma black hole. Right. He was an interesting guy. But it just because he lost the way eating the sandwiches. And I wouldn't clarify that him being a charisma black hole is not the worst thing about him. No, there are other much worse things about him. No, being fat, etc. Yeah. Listen, I've never been fat. Where's my medal? Wouldn't do it. Yeah. But I don't know why that's the guy they picked. I don't know. I'm such a blank wall. Yeah. Are you a brand ambassador for any brands? I know you've come some. Couple. What are the? Quest, protein products. Really? Yeah, I'm a brand ambassador for Quest. I didn't know this. Yeah, I mean, I've done commercials for them. Yeah. And for direct TV, they're really, they're really coming back. Yeah. Guys, we're coming back. So those are the two that I'm doing currently for a long time. I didn't do any of that. And now I'm like, everybody's shameless. Everyone's doing it. The concept of selling. I mean, I've talked about it on this show. This shows a prime example of how selling out is back. It's what it's kind of the impetus of this show is selling out. I'm here to read ads and make money. What are you? What are you doing? Oh, God. I mean, we are doing Squarespace, OliPop. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot that we've done in the past like smaller ones, but we're trying to move into doing like bigger partnerships for longer times. I do have a rule that I don't. I want to endorse a product that I genuinely don't believe in. So like Quest, you know, I do. I do. I've been eating their products for years. And direct TV is a service I'm aware of. Do you know what's funny, though, is we do the ad reads on this show in a very like silly way. And sometimes brands will get upset. And I'm like, this is better. People are only watching because of how I'm doing it. Yeah. I know you want to be precious about the brand. I get it. I'm telling you, if you let me be silly, more people will walk away from this, remembering the name of your thing. Yeah. Then you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think Conan's very good at that. Like Conan does all, you know, all his ad reads are very funny and he makes fun of the products. And I think he's like, you know, he's doing great. Yeah. He's okay. Yeah, Conan's doing okay. Yeah, he's had like a fine career. Yeah. You know, I think of this. Conan, to me, is the platonic ideal of how like a straight old white man comedian ages. Yeah. Because so many of them to fucking disappoint us. Yeah. It's over and over. Like all my comedy heroes have like fallen. Yeah. And Conan is like truly growing and learning and like getting better at what he does and deepening. And so it's weird to say, be proud of someone that is like the reason I do stand up. But I'm proud that he's like one of my inspirations. He's one of your inspirations. I really think, and if he, here's the real secret that I would tell a lot of old white guys, if he does have bad opinions and I don't think he does, if he does, he's keeping it to himself. And that is always an option. That is shut the fuck up. Shut up. You know what I love? I hate to bring this up again. The Riyadh comedy festival. It's going to be my favorite story of the year. And my friend of mine is having a New Year's Eve party where they're like, you have to dress as like a cultural moment. I'm definitely going as the Riyadh comedy festival. Yeah. Because it had so many gifts to give. I love how like a rocked some people were by the reaction to that and just kept bringing it up and like defending themselves. Like, you just got to shut up and move on. That's the only way out of this. I also love that some of them like tried to donate the money and then the people they're donating it to were like, we don't want it. Oh, no. Oh, man. We're going to keep it, keep it, keep it. And some of them weren't even like, we're going to donate all of it. Some of them like, we're going to donate. Not they didn't say a number of percentage. Some of it's getting donated. Do you know, do you know the numbers? I know some of the numbers. I don't know the numbers. I know a couple. I know what people got paid. Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. I mean, you're giving them the money. 3 million I mean that's what I've heard I think there's a couple people who got more than that. I know a friend of mine who turned down a million for it For one set and he turned it down which I think was obviously there's no number I could have done it for because for me I'm getting shit from first of all. It's just morally wrong Also on Pakistani and we all set up a clap later put that it like a hundred people clapping Because first of all obviously I'm getting shit here as I should have gotten but also in Pakistan And Pakistan has a very specific relationship without the Arabian some getting shit there too Yeah, there's just no no amount of money I could have done it for I would not have done it for one billion dollars I would not have done it. I believe you I would not have done it I believe you at the end of the day we I would like to actually there's so many people I've had this thought a lot lately I would like to just grab a lot of people very firmly by the shoulders and say you do know you're gonna die right? Because people seem to be forgetting this and I'm like at the end of the day You're gonna die and you're gonna have to like either take into the afterlife if that's a thing or leave behind Like the idea of who you were and what you stood for yeah at a certain level like whether or not you have a 17th home while you're here It's not worth it. I genuinely think like now We're obviously in a world. This is not a deep insight or anything in a world that is run by a very small handful of Extremely rich people I genuinely think it is an undiagnosed mental illness to want Money that's more than a certain amount like these people who are competing each other to have the most I just I think there are two Undiagnosed mental illnesses that I think genuinely could be in the DSM One is these billionaires who want to make more money which is crazy for me one billion is enough Like I don't want any more than one billion dollars call me humble But I don't know what I do with anything 1.5. Oh, that's a waste. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that extra 500 million But and the other undiagnosed mental illness I think is an Emily Emily talks about this too and Emily's a you know, she's a trained therapist Child actors who got like really famous super young and what that did to them I think is also an undiagnosed mental illness. There's no name for it 100% but people who grew up in the public limelight like that I think God broken in kind of specific Similar ways. Yeah, it's child abuse. I mean the the what those kids go through and the way that adults Talk to them the positions they put them in the way that they treat them is Insanely inappropriate. It's crazy. Yeah, the way they I mean, you know the way we talked about Britney Spears has always been insane from the beginning Like how she was like 16 when she like showed up right and people have been talking about her weirdly that entire time. Yeah. 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Thank you Oli pop does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just Speaking into the void but with LinkedIn ads you can know you're reaching the right decision makers a network of 130 million of them in fact you can even target buyers by job title industry company role seniority skills company revenue and did I say job title yet get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the Right buyers with LinkedIn ads spend 200 pounds on your first campaign and get a 200 pound credit for the next one go to LinkedIn.com slash lead to claim your offer terms and conditions apply Have you gotten in trouble? Have you gotten in trouble for anything like if you had any like big trouble moments where you're like oh boy Call the public this we're in trouble Have I gotten in trouble for anything? No, I don't think so not like that I know the biggest thing I had that I was like this is a moment is I mean I talk about it and the special was like you know I got like love for a role and there was like a really weird backlash to it. Yeah, I would say and I do not I fault them I don't fault myself, but that is the biggest like Thing reaction that I've had to deal with yeah, I think that's the biggest one beyond that. I don't I don't think I've gotten any of my opinions that I think might be like on the line. I keep doing myself Yeah, I genuinely don't think I have any like I try you know, I try to be pretty Reasonable about things. Yeah, yeah, I'm in trouble every week. What are you doing? Oh, I'm in trouble every week I'm always in trouble for something on the show, but part of the reason I'm in trouble every week is What's never my fault I buy that I believe that now sometimes it is sometimes I just you know when you talk this much I it's an hour every single week and then additional of like actually doing shows and stuff Yeah, I stumble into some things that I'm like, yeah, I don't know if I necessarily believed that I was maybe bored But most of the problem is I have a large audience of Two very sensitive groups one is Gen Z and one is tenderqueers and tenderqueers are Tenderqueers. I love them. They pay my bills. Of course they're queer tenderqueers. What is that? This is like Tenderqueers are like a soft group of people living in a reality That is not mine They're just very like they're very like you should never say anything that could upset anybody. I got it You know, it's just very like very like sure. Oh, well, why would you say that that could hurt someone? I'm like because it was funny Because I'm kidding around well the other adjustment that has to happen that I've had to deal with and I'm sure you're dealing with this As soon as you as a comedian your job is to present your opinions and present them in a way that is funny and Possibly a little bit controversial like that's what kind of the job is then as you become known above a certain line Suddenly those things are viewed with a different lens and now your big youth become like like I think you have this where people look to you as like Some sort of aspirational figure like they sort of look to you. They'd really do I think as like someone who's like speaking for them or is like some sort of like modern day philosopher or something I don't but like you people look to you to have certain opinions or lead the way about certain things They really do and that's a lot of pressure. They want us to I've talked about this a lot, but they want us to Uh be their voice about things they want us to like they want us to be like Donald Trump and fuck ice and all these things that I do and your pro both those things and I love those guys You know because the ice is law enforcement. They're doing their jobs um No kidding kidding I yeah, I do I am outspoken and I do have big opinions and they want you to do that But then the second one of your big opinions brushes up against their special thing. Yes All of a sudden it's like well, why would you say that? It's like because you asked me to right you just have to like intention is Important yeah, I really think that and you know and what you can joke about and not joke about does change At the times and I think rightly so like for instance when I was started doing stand up back and Bleep this 2002 Oh, it's shit. Sorry I'm definitely bleeped that I don't even want people to see that expression on your face put like a car filter on it You know the show cops that was a show From the distant history um So it changed so like when I was doing you know people could do like ironically people could like do like Anti-Jewish jokes Ironically and it was received that way and I'm saying it was right or wrong back then But I'm saying it was more acceptable to do that and see the irony of it right and now we're in an era where I don't think you can do that Because Nazis are legitimately back. Yeah, so that changes right and also I think like you know People and I never obviously was on board for this like people would make a lot more rape jokes back then Yeah, now we've understood like you know even that stuff is harmful like normalizing it in any way but And keeping up with what is appropriate now which maybe was never appropriate But now we're it's more in the conversation that it's not appropriate I think it is part of our job to be aware of that but also I mean, you know it's um Like some of this stuff you said you got in trouble for I think it's like probably fair game. Yeah But also I think I don't you know There's this question sometimes like how is this joke gonna age or how will your comedy age? And I'm like you can't really I don't care. It doesn't yeah, it's a moment in time Yeah, because if you're making a certain type of joke in a moment where that's what's being discussed and then later on We decide as a culture maybe correctly maybe progressively that we shouldn't be talking like that about those things comedians are a part of like forming and You know testing the boundaries and seeing where we should go So I don't I'm not mad at comedians who were making jokes back then that I wouldn't make now I'm like they were helping inform where we were going and what we should be talking about This happens a lot with younger people who watch movies from the 80s and 90s and they sort of get like offended by a lot of stuff in there You know, and you're like it's just that's what was That's what was in the soup back then yeah Everything we're making is like a reaction to or a comment on those times you can't guess how where things are gonna go Yeah, we we move past it and we certainly don't have to talk about it if you don't want to But the thing about you getting getting really buffered for a role when people getting upset about it Yeah, I wonder I mean as somebody whose body is just constantly commented on all the time Really is that right all the time no matter what's happening if I've lost a little bit of weight It's I'm hearing about it in the DMs But yeah as I as somebody who constantly has their body commented on by it seemingly everybody Was that like difficult for you or were you just like I am right there being weird? No, I was a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it was as someone who grew up I had Uh almost my entire life very very um I don't know how to put this a Tough relationship with my own appearance since I was a little kid Part of the problem was but I was like a little kid when I was like five Zero to six. I was the most gorgeous kid you've ever seen like I was fucking beautiful That's towards the end of it with that picture you're looking at the sky Yeah, okay, so that's like it's like I was really really very cute and To the point where people on the street would make jokes about wanting to kidnap me sure Like I'd go into a shop and they'd be like I'm gonna put you in my dungeon And it was life. I was so gorgeous that life was like terrifying for me. Okay. I remember I visited with my my uh aunt To I went to Bangkok and for some reason Thai people just really were picking up what I was putting down as like a five-year-old they were fucking with this In the energy. Yeah, and then I so I went from like just like a gorgeous gorgeous boy to like a true deep Like my head grew to this size my body say I stayed the same size the net got super long my nose grew before anything else um And so whatever it was from that point on I just thought of myself as being very ugly and it took me years and years to get to the point where I was like Okay with how I looked like how I looked was way too important to me. It's still it still probably is But it took years and years to get past that all through my 20s and even through my 30s It took a while for me to be okay like There were there were times when I was like 10-11 where I wouldn't go to a store because I thought they wouldn't sell me stuff because I was too ugly It was really really very intense. Yeah And so also my 20s and 30s to like work through it and be like it's I like the way I look also it doesn't matter how I look all that kind of stuff and so then To then hit my 40s and suddenly have that come back in such a public and strong way really got at like To me genuinely was like deep childhood trauma. Yeah um And I could I don't want to go into details about what I think was behind that And the way it happened was so you know I I did this movie. I released pictures of myself looking The way I looked then and it was really really like good like people really liked that then um Covid-Head we were all in the house and then January 2021 So now this is a year after I released original pictures and everybody was very excited There was a picture of me sitting across from Emily at Christmas And I have like a gingerbread house next to me and I'm just sitting there and I'm not even And for some reason people Didn't like the way my jawline looked or something people think I've gotten like worked on I have not ever gotten any worked on um I got Botox in my jaw once because I grind my teeth at night and they were like do you want us to do your forehead? And I was like sure go have at it I'll never do it again. Hey everyone relax one time is nothing Yeah, and it was a long time ago and it's got and I hated it. I hated how I looked and how I felt yeah So Emily and I this is like the Deep Covid I'm full of fear because my wife is in a high risk group. We Get super high and we're watching the crow Which is one of my favorite movies, you know as a kid great, we're watching it again. Yeah, he look he's so cool And I'm afraid of my text because I can't I'm sorry about what's happening online For now it's like I'm super high. I look and it's literally thousands of people on twitter making fun of My face of how I look Hmm So being high in that state and watching that scroll was like really genuinely very very difficult And it continued for a while it continued for a couple of days And I think that in the soup at that time was you know A year of staying inside people being like 2026 2026 and suddenly now it's 2021 Things haven't changed. We don't have a vaccine people are still stuck so I think people were just firing shit around That was really really horrible and again, you know people have bigger problems. I want to people No, they don't yeah This is the biggest thing. I mean it was genuinely really really awful Um, so that was very very tough and really like working through it with my therapist a lot And it's still something that kind of comes up You know if you look at if you if you look at comments and whenever I post anything If you look at comments someone will talk about like that. I fucked up my face or something Which obviously I haven't ever gotten any worked on this is just how I look when I'm like a little skinnier Um, yeah really really hard really really really horrible were you when Like that first when you guys are what when you're high and your friend texted you Did you see it and then put the phone away or did you really dive in? I dove in yeah, that's tough I dove in I swam in it and then eventually I Emily was like Do not be on your phone and I was like okay Just tell me if it's still happening and the next day I woke up. I was like is this still happening? She's like yeah It's still happening all day I kept checking in because it's still happening. It's still happening I was it was like the number one trending thing. It was like a thing for it And then the next day I woke up and I was like is this still happening? She's like yeah, it's still happening So it was like two days and then they moved on to the next target. There was Right around that time. There was a dad. I don't know if you remembered this Who was like shitty to his kid about beans or something do you remember what I'm talking about very vaguely? It was like bean dad bean dad yeah I Dead of gratitude to fucking bean dad Because he moved because he moved everyone then was like oh, oh bean dad now and so bean dad got it and they moved off of me The the hordes moved off of me. Yeah, when I have to bean dad what the fucking zombies they left my appearance alone and moved on to the behaviors of bean dad Yes, thank god. Thank god. I genuinely want to send him a check for like 300 dollars Like thank you so much, man. You should He's probably need to yeah, I don't I don't remember you remember Yeah, he tweeted yes So yesterday my daughter nine was hungry and I was doing a jigsaw puzzle So I said over my shoulder makes him baked beans She said how like all kids do when they want you to do it. So I said open a can and put it in pot Uh, what I love yeah, yeah, she brought me the cannon said open it how and then I there was more from that But yeah, being what I love is he had to get it in the night number of characters So open the cannon put it in pot. Put it in a pot. Yeah, didn't have the right number of letters. Yeah, all right I love that you inadvertently talked the way I talk But in pot put it in pot Yeah, so At this point she said I don't want baked beans and marched off Apocalypse dad went into full the road mode sweetheart neither of us will eat another bite today until we get into this can of beans She screamed Lucy Van Pelt she read a book for a while whatever he goes on who fucking cares Okay, ultimately you read this and you go who cares this is January 2nd So this is like who bean dad like bean dad come he was my he was my meat shield green dad Green dad was like bean dad was like he know what I got you buddy. Yeah, he jumped in front of the bullets Wouldn't it be awesome if we found out that he's like a huge Camille fan and he literally did this on purpose Oh my god My dollars are dumb bitch. I think he looks fine I thought I look fine in that picture. I posted it because I was like I look pretty good Look how sharp my jawline looks. That's why I posted that one. Yeah, I auditioned a bunch of pictures I wasn't like, you know, you're a monster. I looked at all the pictures. I thought this one looks nice This one would be good. Yeah, well, that's the thing about the internet that's so difficult is that you you whenever you post The thing that's gonna get you in trouble you didn't think you don't you're like oh, this is yeah That's a nice idea how I work. Yeah, and still now there's some I don't watch punch Bob I was too old for it But there's like one character who got like at some point must have gotten some work done or something and he doesn't look like who's Is it squid? You're referring to handsome squid handsome squid word. Yes, you'll see handsome squid word Whenever I post anything you'll see a couple of handsome squid words in the comments. Well, you know what? That's a guy whose name starts with handsome Yeah So that's actually pretty nice. I think they're using it ironically. I don't I think it's fucking sarcasm you're my friend and I'm just like when you pants some kumiel Taking it back there. I got like oh god. I got like I shrank from that Cuz that picture I see Anytime I post anything that fucking picture. There's another one of a handsome squid word like squid word like dancing or something I see those two all the fucking god damn time. I haven't seen that one actually. Oh, yeah I look at him and be like hey, that's a good looking squid word. He's a good looking squid word I my thing that I get annoyed by but not mad at is that anytime someone sees any fat person doing anything on the internet and god Help me if they have glasses any fat person. They're like they're like the comments We tagging me and be like who let Caleb hair and out or what something like this is just a fat person leave Oh White they don't have to be if they are gay white and have glasses. We're both having a day, but like Any fat person doing anything. They're like not the Caleb hair and drag. I'm like what are you talking about? It's that faces are totally different. It is one fat person dancing. I hate it. I hate it. Yeah. I'm like you don't have to tag me in every fat person There's actually a lot of fat people. It's kind of like a problem There's so there's so many fat people. It's like you don't need to tag me in every one of them. I hate it Handsome Squidward okay. Yeah, so that's to me that's like the face of my oppressor F**k handsome Squidward fuck handsome Squidward did happen in that episode. I've never even looked it up I haven't even been able to google that why why does he look like that? He gets a role in a movie and he gets really buff Yeah, could you imagine it's so specific? Oh, no No, no, no, I don't know what happens to him, but you know The important thing is when you're getting bullied you're getting bullied with a guy whose name starts with handsome And that's what I would cling on to okay, that's how I would handle it I've gotten way better at it just because you you know now it's been Four years over four years of that you sort of go all right. This is what it is It becomes normalized, you know, but I still I still get it all the time. Yeah like yesterday I was on colbert I had a clip that those sort of going around and it was all really nice A lot of nice things the only comment I remember is he always looks tired Good day you one other thing. Yeah, it's so it's so mean That's also mean because I am tired. Oh, yeah, man. You do a f**king press gauntlet You do colbert is the sixth thing that day. I did f**king GMA that morning at 6 a.m And now I'm doing colbert night I am tired. How would you hold up? Yeah, you you Colbert wouldn't even f**king book you yeah You're like I'm doing better with it. Colbert with my yeah Colbert wouldn't spit on you They need some water. I went to see my friend play colbert once and they I had to like sit in the audience Which being I don't know if you if anyone listening has ever been an audience member at a late night So they treat you like cattle. It's I don't mean to say this but this is probably bad But I can't imagine guantanamo is much better than that Can't be I mean it was horrific my experience. They they heard you in like you're not allowed to go to the bathroom No, they're mean to you. You're not allowed to be on your phone at all Yeah, even when there's a break I pulled my phone at one point I mean I they know that I'm there to see the artist and I put my phone I'm not taking a picture. I'm not 12. No, I'm checking like my I'm special Not like all these other people who came in from Idaho 100% yeah, 100% feel that way. I'm like I can check my text in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no You don't understand the rules do not actually do not apply to me In this scenario. I do feel like completely agree I really agree like if I go to a movie premiere I should be able to pull out my phone. I'm not gonna fucking post a clip from avatar on Instagram I'm like no because the rule is stupid for everybody But I understand the general public will do things they shouldn't they'll take videos the post pictures Here's the other thing that I that I do not do but other people get in trouble for it You know other people get in trouble for it where like I still see and it is a bad luck But I understand we're like you know At Delta my flight got canceled and you fucking did this fuck you know all that Celebrities do it. Yeah, people get upset at them and I'm like They just have the privilege of a major corporation treating you The way everyone should be treated. Yeah, like everybody should be treated well by these massive corporations They just have the privilege of being able to use their Leverage to be able to get that kind of response that kind of customer service from a major corporation And that's what that's what you're upset about do you know though that this is my number one rule for myself? I don't won't do it. I want to never do it. I will not never do it It's my chance to see me at my lowest when we're on tour or something in some airline has completely fucked us a bad look Or some hotel has completely fucked us. We booked the rooms. We can we double confirm now. They don't have our room bad luck All of it. I will never ever I've typed out the Instagram story before deleted it and shut my phone like That is my only rule for myself. It's so it's such a bad luck I just mean I understand why they're because you've had the foresight You know because when you are in that situation it fucking sucks. It's horrible It's horrible and you're like you you have the reaction that anyone would have which is I paid for a service You can't do this like you can't but they can they do and I have and I have a recourse that if I posted they would get in shape quickly But I don't do it because I'm like that's the one thing you can't do you can't be the guy that's like at Delta Guess I'll have to take my business else. It's like stop stop stop genuinely delta does not care No, well none of them do we used to have customer service in this country Camille We used to have a country with customer service. We used to I do want to say delta It's pretty good I'm happy with delta. I like delta. They're my they're my I have the police problems with them And that's the best I can say about any company at this point. I will pick Delta 100% of the time if left in my own devices. Yeah Well, I also don't have a choice delta could wrong me a million times because they are the only airport that has a lounge in Kansas City Which is like one of my biggest airports that I fly to oh so I have to be a delta boy. Yeah, I'm not I don't have choice I think Delta's pretty solid. It is But overall all these companies they'll do whatever they want to you I've had plenty of I've had multiple airlines just like They undersell a flight so they cancel it and put me on one three hours later And I'm like hey, that sounds like a you problem run the fucking flight. That's not on me I've gone to a movie theater where I was the only guy who bought a ticket for this movie and they're like Do you really want to watch it? And I'm like actually I do really want to I want to be alone in a movie theater watching this movie That is one of the most glamorous things that I've had that happen a couple times where I'm the one guy in the theater How exciting it's incredible it feels like the apocalypse and you're just there Watching whatever. Yeah, it feels like day after tomorrow where you're like this is how I would live if everyone else went Yeah, if everybody else went I would go to movie theaters and watch all the movies I want to see in theaters. Yeah, for like five days and I kill myself How long would I go? I'm not trying to survive 100% not trying to survive no like I I think what I would do is yeah eat as much as I possibly could yeah um I'd probably track down some of the people who are posting the handsome Squidward memes yeah And like probably laugh on their at their dead bodies. Yeah, they're dead right? Yeah Watch as many movies as I could and then four or five days later be like yeah pretty good run time to check out time to check out I wouldn't hang around if I'm in my house alone for more than seven hours I start having a level of conversation with myself that you wouldn't believe Out what Emily's out of town. I am talking to my cat as if like she's a human being. Well, should we get breakfast? I think so yeah, it's truly like it's psychoshit. Yeah, I have to I don't know if you have to do this But this morning I was laughing at myself because I had to do it this morning I have to talk to myself out loud in a crazy way to get anything done What do you mean you have to get like Caleb go do this? No, I have to get started like this morning I was laying in bed my alarm had gone off. I had to you're setting in alarm well today you set an alarm for this I assume yes Okay, well, I said norm of most days. What do you set it for what time my alarm? It depends on what I have for the day like if I have a super late night. I'll set it for like 930 Oh really so you're up by 930 even if even if it's the late night these days. Yeah, yeah I mean there you know when a couple of years ago I was sleeping until if I had a day off. I'm sleeping till 11 12 Oh, I don't do that anymore. I can't really do it anymore Yeah, I that I can't adjust my sleep time. What were you saying you were laying in bed today? I'm late. I have to talk to myself crazy out loud to get anything done I was laying in bed and I was like I literally had to say out loud Caleb It's enough man getting the shower like I have to talk to myself that way I'd be like you want to get a shower before the breakfast gets here. I'll show you rushing to come out This is ridiculous. Let's go wait the breakfast thing happened today. This morning. Oh my god. What a day you're having I brought that energy to you great breakfast and you get to talk to me. I mean that's a good day It's a good day. We were supposed to have an 8 a.m. record today with Mateo Lane and I just what Yeah insane and he was down for it and I had I had I had talked to Virginia who does the scheduling and I was like Hey, maybe we find if there's any time on this day He wasn't available. I eventually like two days ago texted Mateo personally Because you know we go through the teams to be nice But I was like I was like Mateo. I can't what what else do you have brother? Yeah, I cannot do it. 8 am is And I'm up at 6.30 8 am is absurd It's crazy because we have you and then we were we have another episode after you today So it was gonna be three episodes starting at 8 a.m. Too much. I was like I'm not a coal miner. This is not I can't work like this. So I can we reschedule it. Thank God. Yeah, so I got to have my breakfast But I do have to talk to myself crazy. I mean the number of like speeches like that that I have to give myself is really astronomical Well, I think at least you understand what you have to do, you know, yeah Let me ask you this say now. How's yourself talk Self talk mostly positive mostly positive only in moments of like true We needing to get stuff done do I have to go a little negative and go like this is crazy get it together But most of the time myself talk is I've actually started practicing in the last year or so uh Like talking very gently to myself out loud, which is very gay and then therapy type like therapist What does that sound like like it's very like I'll be like I'll be a upset with myself because I haven't done something I was supposed to do or that I I'm upset with myself that I haven't I'll realize like oh, I haven't talked to that friend in a while and they just reached out to me Again, they're being the first one to reach out again. I meant to fix that and I'll start to get myself and then out loud I'll go like it's okay, buddy. You're not in trouble. You're doing a good job. That's great I'll talk to myself the way that you'd want to it's something I Either read or saw online or something about like talking to yourself the way that you would have wanted to be talked to when you were a kid Oh, and my mom talked to me like that and my dad did not so I have actually a good model of what it should look like from my mom But yeah doing doing that kind of stuff it actually like really weirdly Uh, it will make me very emotional sometimes. Are you talk to yourself and then you get a little I'll I'll be gentle with myself and then I'll be like oh I'll be like oh my god I'm like wait that low-key felt amazing. That is incredible. You know I ever do anything like that So you don't have you you've never had a negative self-talk issue really oh, I totally have no I'm doing much better I'm doing much better. Okay. Yeah, I'm in a decent place with it these days, but I totally oh my god. I My teens in early 20s. I was so mean to myself. Yeah. I really did not like myself At all that's the thing um, I've had the same thing I I still have to work on it. I think you're further along than I am because you don't even realize the tone with which you're talking You know, I didn't even realize it was negative until you know therapy. They were like so how do you say this? Yeah, you know you're on set you didn't do a good job What do you say to yourself? And I'm like oh heinous shit. Oh, yeah, you don't even realize it's that fucking We're in our locaprio scene and um Hollywood what the fuck is that once upon a time when he's in the trailer? He's like you fucking no good It's that yeah, yeah, yeah So I try and be careful with that, but it is it is hard It's just my default has always been that like since I can remember that's been my default You know, and I think it does come from like For me it was not not liking myself and now I do actually like myself It's probably been it's a recent thing last few years where I didn't even realize I didn't like myself And now I do like myself and I liked myself when I was 14 years old like Just thinking of how I felt about myself when I was 14 and being able to articulate it now like kind of breaks my heart for that like 14 year old Yeah a lot of it comes from like I think being raised in a very like conservative situation There's a lot that you can do wrong or a lot that you can think wrong So growing up thinking or there's something wrong with me because You know, I find women attractive or whatever it is. Yeah, well, that's partially true. Yeah That's a moral failing, but yeah, it is a moral failing. Yeah, I mean I When I was like 12 13 14 if I could like take that part of myself out. I would have opposite, but rock on it's really cool to know we were going through some more stuff. Yeah, yeah I mean because you know where I was raised like even just thinking of a woman in a Lastful way is the same and so you're real you're like oh if I'm Even think and it's impossible to not like you know, the deep the The force that has led to the survival of the species is like working its way through me And I'm just like a 12 year old So I think that's where that came from me being like I'm attracted to women There's something wrong with me And then it just becomes something wrong with me something wrong with me and only recently realizing that Probably the genesis of my like negative self-talk. That's really interesting. It's also like you know Uh At a certain point I was like and nobody will ever have sex with me like I had times in like my teens where I was like Nobody's ever going to have sex with me ever because I also had The thing about how I looked and stuff so yeah, all that you know, it's too much Puberty comes too early. It should come in you're like 20s. Yeah, when you were alive When you've had some like yeah, you've had your feet feet on the ground You've had a job, you know like that kind of stuff You want like you want a 95 before puberty hits you. Yeah, that's my big. I mean It's a fucked up system. What's uh, what's so true to you Camille? Okay, this is where I'm gonna make enemies. Okay I don't think There's you should be allowed to taste ice cream at ice cream parlors. Oh my god. I think No other situation like you're at a restaurant You're like can I just like have two of the fries and see what they're like Oh, can I have a bite of the pizza before I decide Why is it that it's okay in an ice cream parlour? Just stand there Then I got to stand there staring at a bucket with all the spoons of the entire neighborhood's been sucking on I don't want that image in my head You just see like Louis saliva at the bottom of that bucket that everybody's taking the tiny metal spoons and sucking on and putting it in there and this came to me recently because there's a long line About one of those cool ice cream places. It's like Indonesian ice cream or something where it's not even technically ice cream And there's a woman on the phone and there's a guy in the front of the line And he's like bringing a spoon door. She's tasting. She's like, no, let me have another one And he's getting another spoon to get it tasting another one I'm done with it. Make your decision. You know what strawberry tastes like yeah I'm I'm gonna say Shocked to hear this. I hadn't considered it But I guess I do have a rule in my own body already you get one You could try and experimental flavor and if you're not into it go to old faithful I think I think that's right and I would say even you know I'm willing to relax it. It should never be more than three And I think look at you're being so generous But until you're 10 years old You get three Yeah, after 10 You know, I might agree to one but after the age of 10 like make your decision I think it's one and I think it's that's what it is is you go If there's a very experimental flavor on the thing that you've never seen right right you can say let me try that Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then if you don't like it You order something you know you'll like you don't get to ask to try chocolate No, don't get to ask to try strawberry. I think you know what how about this? You can only try the experimental flavors and there is a cap on the numbers You can't try strawberry you could you could try like you know Popcorn ginger or whatever which would probably be pretty good by the way. It does sound pretty good actually hold on I was opening. I did try to go to ice cream college All right, no follow-ups. No follow-ups. What do you what the fuck are you doing? A couple of ice cream colleges around the country When you say ice cream college, I've never heard this two words together They they teach you how to make your own flavors They teach you the business logistics side and how to run your own coffee shop How much foot traffic should the store have you they teach you how to become an ice cream connoisseur and I Amavent yeah, and I wanted to do it But I haven't found the time. I would like to do it still. There's a couple. There's one in there's one in St. Louis I think there's one in California. There's an ice cream college in California Ice cream colleges and you should go we should go together Well, how long is it degree can we how long does it take to get a couple days? It's really it's not a call. No, come on. That's an online. That's a course. Please. Please. I know but they call it ice cream college To be fun, but I think we could learn a lot. I would totally go to ice cream college with you. What's mix some flavors? I would make some flavor There it is ready to turn you ice cream dream into reality If you can dream it if you dream it we can make it they've got seminars ice cream university. Oh my god How to produce a soft serve frozen dessert A beginner ice cream batch freezer hands right That hands on the on should be bolded to yes, it looks weird just like freezer hands. I don't know what that is Concept to market. Let's make your idea real For over three decades Malcolm Stogo the godfather of ice cream Why work with them that's why gods walk amongst us that's why from our test kitchen in West orange New Jersey If I had to guess where this guy Malcolm Stogo was from it would have been that He's he's worked with hogganda sloans car vol stony field farm. I don't know what that is base flavor development is $2,500 for one day. That's pretty expensive each additional flavor is $1800 Yeah, $5,000 if you want to do five flavors and up to 10 test batches per flavor I would pay that I mean we were saying we're you know, let's do it. Let's go. Can we can we go up a little bit I want to see it says shop or like you can buy like a whole Holt's shop. I want to see what they're selling. Oh my god ice cream university books. We should probably start there Let's go to I don't know. I'm not paste this kind of calling me to let's see what nut paste is about John do her pistachio. Hey, he's not pretty basic pretty basic Let's go to the books thing that you let's see what these books are pistachio was $165 It's a yeah ice cream university books incredible ice cream the ultimate ice cream mastery collection the official manual dairy free ice cream and desert seminar 825 bucks. So they are doing of course highway robbery Don't that's an expensive book Chris go down a little ice cream galore is is price to move it was 50 and now it's 30 at that at that price You can't afford to not get ice cream galore cakes novelties and more I don't like holiday sale homemade junkies What is a homemade junkie having fun making great ice cream at home and it's it's on sale for 1350 that I mean chance We order that for me We order that for me to the studio. I'd like to see what that's all about oh my god I'm sorry. I know we're running out of time. This is the rest of my life can we go up again Um what else under wholesale ice cream what flavors are they selling Oh, welcome. Iscreme simply now. Oh, he's been on TV there he is Malcolm on you know 360 with the biggest shows on TV. Why is that not in my press schedule? You need to get on a rise 360 salted caramel pecan ricotta fig Yeah, I mean red velvet. These are all sounding these are all good plant-based Pomegranate I've never had pomegranate ice cream Asian ice cream flavor. All right. Let's see. Let's see if that's if that's Okay, Ube Ube Ube Ube is having a big moment right now green tea liquor infused of course you know what pandanis I know the end D.A.N. I've heard it. I don't know what it is. It's a flavor that's used in some Southeast Asian countries. It's a plant It's very bright specific green and they use it for desserts pandan cake pandan ice cream. It's sort of like almond even the lay But it's own thing You got to get into it. I might have to get into it you get pandan if you see it like you know I bet China town has it like bright green you see like a bright green slice of like chiffon cake or something Yeah, you got to try it. It's like my favorite. It's like my favorite flavor. I will yeah come on I have a segment for you. Yes, sir. This is a game that we play true false segment. Yes, okay? You I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true false If you get ten or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 us dollars. Oh my god. I know. I know I'm like one 17th of the way to ice cream university. Come on. Are you ready? Okay, the LA layperson of one more NBA championships than any other team true false the Celtics butterflies taste with their wings True false their feet the grinch 2018 is the highest grossing Christmas movie of all time False true. Oh my god The Pacific Ocean is the largest ocean on earth. Oh god. This one True Grinnell College's motto is truth and service false false. It's Truth and humanity. I did go there. I know you did the liver is the second heaviest organ in the human body Deliver Is skin an organ Yeah, and heart is an organ salsa false. It's true. Nippon win You're telling me that the liver weighs more than all of my skin. I can't it's second heaviest skin Second number one. Leverage number two. Well, what was heart? We didn't get that far. I'm not sure sir Napoleon lost the battle of waterloo. Yes true. Hawaii has the most active volcanoes of all U.S. states. Yes false Alaska Jingle bells was originally a Thanksgiving song Oh true true The lion's den opened Mike in Chicago was on Tuesday nights All sus Monday night baby tease the most popular beverage on the planet true false. It's water That is a bunch of bullshit. Oh my god. What's the most popular food wrong? It's air Quanza is observed for seven days You gotta take this not a good look bleep this False true sloths take two weeks to digest food true true St. Michael's Cove Convent School was opened in 1970 True 1986 false. Wow both male and female reindeer grow antlers False true Wow, I did very poor six Six out of why is that so funny? No, that's beautiful six out of how many 15 six out of 15 Do it again. I bet I get them all right now Honestly, I'm tempted to if we weren't kind of out of time But what I do want to say to you is you were a winner in the way that you answered quickly Because a lot of our guests cannot get that done. I thought that was part of the thing It is but Camille that's what I'm saying a lot of our guests. They don't follow the rules They michael's convent school is what I went to school really yeah, I'm sorry that you got that's why you yeah What where did you go to school? It's chalk off the high school. What year was it founded 1931? That's not true. You're right Just cuz you add but you add to quickly but you answer quickly that's the game yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Camille your special is out now Do you want to tell people where they can find it where they can find you? It's on Hulu. It's called night thoughts It's also on Disney plus on Hulu and on Disney plus in the rest of the world Go watch it and you can watch it with the whole family. It's Christmas day. Yeah, and you can watch it with the whole family I swear a little bit, but it's very clean. Yeah, and it's it's really a good watch for the whole family Don't don't go see avatar. Don't avatar is doing fine forget avatar. We need you on the night special. Yeah, what is it? Night thoughts night I said it five times we need you on the night special I know what it's all I've seen the trailer my specials called night special. Yeah, night special night thoughts Go see Camille night special. I'm so happy for you, dude. Thanks for coming on. Oh, thanks for having me. That was so fun