I Removed My Fiancee's Friends From Our Wedding Party After Their Comments About My Family | r/AITA

Hey guys, it's Beatrice, Tammy and Sharon from our podcast Uncut and we're currently sponsored by the Department for Work and Pensions. Life's busy and admin gets forgotten, but if your claiming benefits, listen up. If something changes, you need to tell DWP otherwise you could face a penalty. That could be a partner moving in even if they keep their own place. Or if a car doubles out as a taxi and family car, you should only report work related costs or forgotten savings like premium bonds. To find out if you need to report a change, search tell DWP. Let's get into it. Today's first story. Much love guys. Today's first story comes from I support substantial 465 from the Am I the arsehole here subreddit. And it says Am I the arsehole here for removing my fiance's friends from the wedding party after they confronted me about my family's gifts. Before we do get into this first story, there is a trigger warning on it of possible racism. So if you do want to skip the story, please feel free to do so timestamps are always down in the description and along the timeline below. Thank you. It starts off. My girlfriend slash fiance 32 female and I 33 male have been together for four years. We met through common friends and after a while of casually hanging out, we began dating and are now engaged. She has a core friend group of four people, including her two guys, one of whom is her cousin and a girl. And they've been very close since childhood. When I'd first met the other three before we had begun dating, they seemed like nice people. Fund to hang out with. But when I was introduced to them as a boyfriend, things were different. I knew they were judging me, which is fine. I knew there would be a friend's test I would have to go through. But now four years later, it still feels like I am being tested. So for some background, my girlfriend is sweet, caring, empathetic and sensitive. She has been hurt in past relationships. We've spoken about it briefly. She gets upset when we talk about it. So I've never pushed her much. But from what I know, while she was never physically abused, they were still toxic relationships. May have involved emotional abuse. Considering that, I get her friends being protective. Early when we were dating and gradually became serious, her friends always found ways to, I don't know how to explain this, show me my place in her life, if that makes sense. They would whisk her away if we were together, barge into our dates. She shares everything with them so they know where we were going on dates. The only way I could get her to myself is if I planned a surprise getaway. But how many of those can you do? When I reached my saturation point, we talked. She had a blind side with them and never noticed what they were doing. After I pointed it out and she saw it happen the next time they did it, she called them out, threatened to stop talking to them. After a bit of bickering, they relented and apologized. To her, not me. Anyway, things got much better after that. Cut to recently, I know she is the one for me. I love her immensely. In my culture, we don't have the whole proposing with a ring, but I knew she always wanted that. I picked out a ring that belongs to my grandmother. It is part of a jewelry set. In our tradition, when we get married, the new bride is welcomed to the family with the elders presenting her with heirloom jewelry. I know my grandmother will be giving her the remaining jewelry set as a wedding present. My parents and other elders in the family will also be gifted similar things. The thing is, these sets, they are traditional. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they may be too gaudy by modern standards. My girlfriend loved the ring, even though it isn't like the more conventional engagement rings. I know all these sets she will eventually get she won't wear. Probably ever. She likes to keep her style simple. But I just thought that gold is an asset, even if she doesn't wear them. They're hers for any other use in life. My girlfriend knows all this. She never said anything about it. Cut to a week back. A trio came over when my girlfriend wasn't home. They said that I was being selfish. That under the garb of tradition, I was forcing my girlfriend to accept gifts she doesn't want. Mind you, we do have a bridal registry set up and I know for a fact many family members, friends and colleagues have already selected items from there. I told them that what my family gifts to my girlfriend isn't their business. They said that I was no different from our past partners. I was also being emotionally abusive and gaslighting her. My girlfriend had previously asked me to make her two guy friends, my groomsman. My brother is my best man. I had agreed to make her happy. But after what they said, I told them that they were no longer my groomsman. When my girlfriend got back, I told her what happened. Well, she agreed that her friends had no right to comment on the gifts my family give her. And she clarified that she does not share their opinion. She does feel I went too far and overreacted by removing her friends from the wedding party. She'd always wanted all three friends to be a part of her wedding and my rejection now means that won't happen. And I, the asshole. Now, after that, I can't help but think of the bigger picture in this situation, not directly what's happening. I mean, these friends have shown him exactly who they are, barging in on dates, you know, just general boundary stomping all over the place. They only seem to back off when they were threatened with losing access to their friend. They never apologized to him directly, but apologized to her. They're ambushing him in his own home and then was throwing around serious abuse allegations. And then after all this, you're expected to have them stand up there at his wedding. Absolutely not. And fiance is the problem. She's had years to set these boundaries with them and she hasn't. She threatened to stop talking to them once and then they gave this half-assed apology, which was again only to her. And she saw was like, oh yeah, that's fine then. And now they've gone so far to accuse OP of abuse and she's turning around and saying, yeah, they were wrong, but you can't uninvite them from the wedding party. I mean, what the fuck? What do they have to do? Where is the line where these people get cut off? They've accused him of emotional abuse and gaslighting. That's wild. I would at the minimum be sitting down with her and saying, these people have shown me absolute zero respect, zero respect to your relationship. And they've just accused me of abusing you because there is no way in hell I would let people accusing me of abuse. He stood next to me in a wedding. It's just craziness. But common to say is not the asshole. I wonder if the past relationships of your girlfriend were truly abusive or if her friends gaslighted her in believing they were. OP says this is difficult for me to find out. Like I said, she doesn't like talking about it and the only other way I could find out is if I snooped around behind her back. And I just don't want to do that to her. Commodore says, I'm so sorry this happened. Being a groomsman is an honor, not a rite of passage because they are friends of the bride. If this respected you and do not deserve the privilege of standing next to you during the ceremony, not the asshole, choose people that support and love you. OP says, thank you for the support. I'm determined on not taking them back as my groomsmen and have already reached out to my cousin and a close friend to fill in. They have happily accepted. OP on the discussions of gifts with his fiance and then says, we've talked about the gifts. When I said elders, it will only be my grandmother, my parents, my uncle, mother's brother and aunt, father's sister, who will be gifted in her the heirlooms. Most others will be gifted from the registry. I told her that if she doesn't want the jewelry, then all the above people will pick something from the registry. The jewelry will simply kept aside for my sister. She said that while the jewelry isn't something she would usually pick for herself, she still thinks they are beautiful pieces. I'm Indian and sometimes when she attends my family events, she does wear a sari. Looks gorgeous and she carries it so well. She says when she attends such events post marriage, she could always wear the jewelry then since it wouldn't look at her place. I believe her when she says she loves the engagement ring and that she's okay with getting the heirloom jewelry as a wedding present. She said she had talked to her friends about the gifts and shown them pictures of the set she was going to get. She never said she didn't want them. They assumed based on the fact that they aren't things she usually likes. Cometa says to EP, your girlfriend does not want to choose between you and her three friends. Your friends do not want to lose the girlfriend to you. You need to stand your ground until slash unless your girlfriend clarifies your relationship with the three friends, a marriage would be doomed. EP says I know if I pushed her to choose, she'd probably pick me. I say probably only because nothing is 100% sure in life. They also know it would break her heart to do so. I worry that if that happens, she may resent me in later life for being the reason her childhood friendships broke. Cometa says when you two get married, the friendship quietly show up less. You say your culture a lot. If you're a different race, then believe racism is what's happening here. Teams the friends are picking on you. Maybe her other relationships weren't toxic. Maybe the other boyfriend just told the friends off and put them in their place. Besides picking friends, any other flaws your fiance might have. OP says I am a different race. I'm Indian. I'm not sure if race is the issue. Well, my fiance, her cousin and the non-cousin guy friends are white. The girl in the group is biracial. And in our larger circle of friends, there are people from many different races. That doesn't tend to be a problem. Her three stooges have always given me the cold shoulder, but I've never really got on racist vibes from them. Well, I don't get along with her core trio. I'm on good terms with her family. Her parents and younger siblings have been very warm and welcoming. Even her work friends and colleagues are nice. I'm sure my fiance like everyone else has flaws. I'm not sure how fixating on that will help. Something changes. You need to tell DWP otherwise you could face a penalty. That could be a partner moving in, even if they keep their own place. Or if a car doubles up as a taxi and family car, you should only report work related costs or forgotten savings like premium bonds. To find out if you need to report a change, search tell DWP. So, OP did come in with an update and said first up, thank you to all the people who shared their support and for the comments that eventually led to a lot of things getting cleared up. I knew asking for advice on Reddit is a double-edged sword. While many of the comments were helpful and encouraged me to seek some much needed answers, others were more divisive. But I knew what I was signing up for when I posted here. So I accepted that as part and parcel of the Reddit experience. These past few days have been nothing short of a chaotic rollercoaster. So much has happened in such a short time. But before I get into everything, I want to make one thing very clear. My girlfriend and I love each other deeply. She is a genuinely good person. I know that my original post may have unintentionally portrayed her in a negative light. The truth is, while she has been incredibly naive when it comes to her stooges and has often been easily manipulated by them, she has always stood up for me when it truly mattered. Her heart has always been in the right place. She did say that I overreacted when I kicked out the guys from the wedding party and she was disappointed that all her three friends wouldn't be a part of the wedding. But that wasn't her only reaction. She also agreed that her friends had no right to come into our home and insult me. Had no right to make statements on her behalf about the jewellery, especially since they were false statements. After I changed the groom's room to my cousin and friend, she supported the decision and did not insist that I take her friends back. After the incident, she hadn't immediately reached out to the trio to talk to them about what they did. She is not a confrontational person. She is not someone who can counter-argue on the spot. So usually when she knows there is going to be, let's say, an explosive conversation, she usually likes to write down points of what she wants to say. What she would say if XYZ brought up this point, how would she respond if they said this to defend their action? Like that. She likes to be prepared, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. Especially with the trio, because when such situations arise, she is usually defending me and our relationship and it's always three against one. I've tried in the past to help her but I dislike understatement these guys enough that if I get involved in their conversations, it just always turns into a verbal spat and that just makes her more stressed. Yes, she has missed several glaring red flags when it comes to her friends but missing red flags does not automatically make someone a bad person. From her point of view, these people were the backbone of her social life. They've been in a life since childhood and she has always seen them as supportive, protective and caring. When you are that close to someone for that long, it can be extremely difficult to recognize toxicity. From the outside looking in, it might seem that she was being intentionally blind or refusing to accept reality but when you're the one trapped inside that bubble, it's a lot harder to see things clearly. I'd explained this in a comment on my previous post but because people kept repeating the same questions, I thought it best to include it here again. We have had open conversations about the gifts before. She also told me that she had shown her friends pictures of the jewelry and then talked to them about the gifts. She never once said she didn't want them or didn't like them. They simply assumed she wouldn't like them because they were not her usual style but as it turned out, even that assumption was not innocent. We later found out that it was just another manipulation on their part. Opie carried on in the comments and saying to those telling me to leave her and run, that is not going to happen. We're not breaking up but the wedding has been postponed and here is why. A few of you guys pointed out something I had missed. That their non-cousin guy friend, let's call him Ray, may have feelings for my girlfriend. To be honest, I always saw the trio as a package deal and never really paid attention to their individual behaviors. But after reading so many of your comments, it stuck in my head. So I asked her directly if there had ever been anything romantic between them. At first she laughed it off but when she saw I was being serious, she told me that yes, years ago, right after I had broken up with a high school boyfriend and was about to leave for college, Ray had asked her out. All four of them ended up going to different colleges. She had no romantic feelings for him and said no. She saw him more like a brother. He was upset about it at the time and did not speak to her for a few months, but eventually came around. Since then, he never brought it up again and she assumed it was just a passing crush and he had moved on. We talked in detail about our past relationships. She had dated three guys before me, not counting a high school boyfriend. None of these relationships were long term. The longest one lasted around seven months and took place while she was working abroad on a project. That relationship ended amicably when she returned home. The trio never met him. The other two relationships lasted barely two months, perhaps even less. She told me that in both cases, she genuinely believed that things were looking promising and then suddenly they just stopped replying to her texts and calls. They ghosted her completely. She said it made her feel unwanted and undesirable. And the trio was always there to help her get over the heartbreaks. She told me that after the breakup with her high school boyfriend and the guy from abroad, she still felt confident in herself. But after getting ghosted twice in a row, she lost a lot of self-esteem. She said that her reluctance to talk about her past relationship were because she thought that if she told me what happened, I'd see the same flaws and problems in her that they did in Ghoster 2. That explains so much about how she behaved early in our relationship. When we first started dating, she was very meek. That's probably the best word for it. She's always been soft-spoken, but back then it felt like she was afraid to be too much or too little. It took her time to feel safe and relaxed, but when she did, she was a completely different person. Warm, funny, and so much more herself. Interestingly, she did not introduce me to the trio as a boyfriend. I'd met all four before through mutual friends until we had been dating for a while. I'd met her parents before I was formally reintroduced to them as her boyfriend. She told me she wanted to be really sure about me before bringing me into their circle. She was afraid that if things did not work out, she would end up relying on them again to help her through another heartbreak. She admitted she never tried to find out why the guys ghosted her because she was afraid they might say something cruel and humiliating that would end up damaging her self-confidence even more. But one of those exes turned out to be an acquaintance of a friend from my workplace. I know I said I didn't want to snoop, but after everything I had read and the doubts growing in my head, I needed answers. I reached out to him and asked if he'd be willing to meet. He agreed. Right at the start, I told him I held no ill will towards him. I just wanted to understand. What he told me was beyond anything I expected. He said that he had genuinely liked my girlfriend and saw potential for something long-term. But he decided to pull away because he'd been told that she had schizophrenia and he felt that he wasn't prepared to take on the responsibility of being in a relationship with a lunatic. His words. I was stunned. My girlfriend does not have schizophrenia. I have been with her for four years and live with her for nearly two. If she had such a condition, I would know. He said it was her friends, the Stooges he told him that. He even praised them saying they were good people for warning him about her condition before things got serious. They were the ones who advised him to discreetly stop contact in her and not make a scene by breaking up with her. They told him that because of her condition, if he tried to break up with her in person, she may end up doing something crazy, hurt him more even off herself. He said he was disappointed that she had tried to hide such a serious condition from him. He warned me to stay away from her. I asked if, during the time they were together, did he notice anything about her that would confirm that she was suffering from schizophrenia? He said that while she never showed any obvious symptoms, he believed that she was ill because why would her friends, ones who are close to her, lie? I just sat there seething hearing such BS. I'm glad I had the foresight to record the entire conversation. I played the recording for my girlfriend. I knew it would devastate her but she had to know and she was heartbroken. She cried a lot. She refused to eat. It was unbearable to watch but I think it was necessary. She even picked herself back up and together we decided to confront her friends. She invited them over saying that there were some changes to the wedding plans she wanted to discuss. I'm pretty sure they showed up thinking she was going to call off the engagement or say something equally dramatic after the stunt they had pulled with me. Since she hadn't reached out to them after the incident, for all I know, they probably thought their stunt had worked. Instead, she told them exactly what the ex had said and asked why they had lied to him. They denied it and immediately tried to blame me, saying I was trying to isolate her and ruin her lifelong friendships. That is when she played the recording. Even after hearing it, they still tried to deny it but she was done playing games. They finally cracked and said they had always thought she and Ray would make a great couple. They justified their actions by saying that since they had all been friends for so long, my girlfriend was too close to the situation to see how well suited she and Ray were. They admitted that she never once said anything bad about the heirloom jewellery, but they believed that they could create a conflict around it. I would take it personally because the jewellery was tied to my family and culture and that would make it a sensitive enough issue to create tension between us, which they could further exploit to draw a wedge. Most of this was revealed by her cousin. Of the three, he seemed at least a bit repentant of what they had been doing for so long. They were both stunned by the sheer level of calculated manipulation. These people genuinely thought they were being good friends. My girlfriend ended the friendship on the spot. She told them to leave immediately and never contact her again. They tried to talk her out of it. She threatened to call the police if they did not leave and only then did they finally go. And that brings me to the last part. Yes, the wedding is postponed. These were her childhood friends. Their families were also close because of the long history. Plus, one of them is her cousin, so literally her family. The fallout has caused a major shockwave. Her parents were furious when they found out what had happened and had been fully supportive of her decision to cut them off. They have stood by us. The news of the three getting booted out of the wedding and our lives immediately spread to our circle of friends. Mostly because the Stooges wanted to spread their lies to gain sympathy. They were reiterating their bs about me being abusive and how I'm trying to isolate her by removing them from her life. A lot of our friends were aware of the shit attitude that they had towards me for the longest time and didn't believe them outright. They reached out to us and we shared our side. How most of our friends are back in our decision to go no contact with them. Barring a few who have taken a more neutral stance and even fewer who believe they were being idiots but deserved a second chance since they've been friends for so long. A younger brother who is dating the girl's cousin also thinks she overreacted. He believes going no contact with such old friends was too harsh. Especially since their sabotage failed and we're still together. So they deserve a second chance. He's just 21 and an idiot. Neither of us cares about his opinion or the opinion of anyone who says we're being too harsh by going no contact. The trio's parents, especially Reyes, have also been creating noise. Turns out they, Reyes' parents, may have known about what the Stooges were doing. They were apparently very enthusiastic about the idea of my girl from becoming their future daughter-in-law. That is not happening. We've been bombarded with messages over the last 12 months from friends and family and, of course, the Stooges. Most have been supportive, some judgemental. The trio has been messaging my girlfriend constantly. The last week checked there were nearly 80 messages from them. She hasn't read any. She says she wants nothing to do with them ever again. If this behavior continues, we will look into getting a restraining order. Not sure yet if we have the grounds for it, but we'll see what can be done. I think the worst of it is behind us, but the situation is still messy. My girlfriend wants to start individual therapy and we have both agreed to begin couples' counseling. We love each other. We want to do the work. We just need things to settle down a bit more before we move forward with the wedding. I think the best part in all of this is that now not only will they not be the groomsman when we do get married, but my girlfriend has also replaced her, made of honor, with another close friend. Not only will the trio not be a part of our wedding party, they've been uninvited from the wedding along with their families. We might even kick her younger brother out of the wedding if he continues to yapp about us overreacting. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I feel lighter already, but I know my girlfriend is hurting. She's putting up a brave face now, but it will take some time to get over this. I hope therapy will help her and us both. Hope he adds a couple of edits since there's can't be updates and updates, so let's call these edits clarifications. One, we've indeed got no contact with them, but haven't blocked their numbers yet. We'll not be blocking their numbers till next weekend. Just giving them more time to dig their own graves. After that, we'll document the messages for posterity and then block them. Two, in due time, we're looking into sending the cease and desist letters on the grounds of defamation and slander. It's only been three to four days and a lot has happened so fast. We need some time to just calmly think about our next step. Three, we've shared the recording in a common friends group chat. If that finds its way to social media somehow, well, so be it. Common to say on this one, wow, what an update. I'm so sad for your girlfriend, but also glad it's all out there. Holding off on the wedding until she is in a better place mentally is a great idea. I wish you two the best going forward and I really hope you never have a reason to post an update unless it's, we got married and it was perfect. Side notes, your girlfriend reminds me so much of myself when it comes to how she handles confrontation. I found out as a late diagnosis that I have ADHD. It presents differently in females and often overlooked. And because of the ADHD, I also suffer from rejection sensitivity disorder, RSD. I didn't know if she could possibly be suffering from this, but it was so eerily similar how you described how she handles confrontation that I wanted to bring it up. It's worth looking into. I've come a long way since then. But now I have a basis for why I react the way to confrontation. Opus says, thank you for your well wishes and suggestions. I'll tell her about it and maybe she can bring it up with a therapist when she starts her sessions. Someone says, all of this in three days. Opus says, pretty much. We had most of our discussions the day I posted the first time. I'd always known one of her rexes was within my circle of acquaintance. I just never wanted to snoop, but I did. We met up early the next day and it didn't take long to get the BS from him. From there things snowballed. We confronted the idiots that night. I wanted to wait a few days, but she didn't. She said she needed to get it all out when she was angry. And now here we are. She took her anger out on them and I'm ranting on Reddit. Comedot says, did you tell the ex that he dumped a nice girl because of some lies? Opus says, I did. But he didn't seem to believe me. Just shrugged his shoulders if to say it wasn't his problem either way. He spent time with her, never saw any obvious signs for anything and chose to believe her friends. The way I see it, it was his loss and my gain. Comedot says could Opus and his fiancee elope instead? No need to have outsiders opinions on ruining their relationship. Opus says, that's actually a great idea. But I am Indian and it already took a lot to convince my family that we didn't want a big Indian wedding. I love my culture and heritage, but both of us agreed that a simple Christian ceremony would be more ideal for us than three to four days of extravagant rituals and traditions. But eloping would disappoint both sets of parents. They've been so supportive of us, so we don't really want that. Bloody hell, that one really escalated, didn't it? It really got out of hand. I mean, I was done with the three stooges immediately when they started throwing those abuse accusations around. But they've also been doing also all sorts of shit in the background at the same time, right? Saying that Opus had schizophrenia and, you know, she should break up with her other ex. They've been basically running her life from the background. Absolutely wild. But now I'm going to turn this one to you guys. What do you guys make of this situation? Let us know your thoughts down in the comments below. Now, just a huge thank you for being here today, getting involved in the stories, your love, your support, your time. It always means the absolute world to me. So thank you so, so much. And don't forget at the very end, there'll be a couple of playlists there that you can click on. Be down in the description at the same time as well. And it will automatically scroll through all those videos for you. Thank you so, so much. And I will see you in the next one. Take care and much love. Face. Close your eyes. Start my day. Wake up. I can smell the smoke from the bacon. Let's go. See the sun shining from the windows. Okay. I know that today will be a good day. Okay. I know that today will be a good day. Seconds. That's the difference between life and death. I've seen it firsthand. I'm Javed Abdomenem, a doctor with Med Saint-Saint-Francais. As conflicts continue to spread across the world, it's crucial we connect fast. As an MSF doctor, I may need to stop life-threatening bleeding, treat gunshot wounds, or care for blast victims all in a matter of seconds. That's why at Med Saint-Saint-Francais we don't waste any time. We're working in more conflict zones than you may be aware of, giving everything to give people a chance. Just 30 pounds will keep our life-saving work going. Please help us save more lives. Because with trauma care, every second counts. You can buy us vital time. Please give just 30 pounds. Search MSF doctor or call 0800 0557979. That's 0800 0557979. Thank you. Hey guys, it's Beatrice, Tammy, and Sharon from our podcast, Uncut, and we're currently sponsored by the Department for Work and Pensions. Life's busy and admin gets forgotten, but if your claiming benefits, listen up. If something changes, you need to tell DWP. Otherwise you could face a penalty. That could be a partner moving in, even if they keep their own place. Or if a car doubles up as a taxi and family car, you should only report work-related costs or forgotten savings like premium bonds. To find out if you need to report a change, search tell DWP.