Denis Leary

Hi, my name is Dennis Leary, and I feel like I could give a fuck about being Conan O'Brien's friend, because I'm already his fucking cousin. It's true. It's true. It's true. You know, first of all, we were just acquired by PBS, so... I'm going to reduce... You're going to reduce the fuckage? Yeah. Yeah. Hey there! Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonam Obsessian. Yeah. Hi. Matt Gourley. Hi. and I'm going to let people have a little peek behind the scenes of how we work here. I noticed something recently which is we always have the interview start with the guest saying hello my name is and then blank and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend and we give them a physical piece of paper and that's the way we've been doing it now for is it five years? Six years? Almost eight. It's over seven years. Oh my God. Speeding towards the grave. All right. Anyway, walking hurriedly towards the grave. Okay. And what I noticed is that guests, not every guest, but maybe one in three, they get fidgety. And so there's this piece of paper in front of them and they would do this a lot with their paper and slide it around. And it would distract me. I think sometimes you would hear it, Eduardo. Yes, every now and then. And I just started to notice there must be a better way. And so finally, for the first time recently we started i suggested isn't there a better way where there's no physical piece of paper so we started putting it up on a screen over there on the wall so there's nothing in front of them and they can't fidget we try it out for the first time recently and we're doing it the guest says hello my name is blank and i feel blank about being conor brian's friend and we're off to the races everything's great and then i start to hear oh and i'm like what the hell and And I look over and you, Matt Gourley, the podcast maestro, the producer, you were like, you were shuffling your paper and you kept crinkling it and uncrinkling it. And I kept looking at you and you were looking at me. You weren't picking up on my signal. And then I had to point at you during the interview at your paper and you made this oops face. What were you doing? In my defense, it was in the Kevin Nealon episode. Yeah. And you guys were just insane. Yeah. So I think I was just like disassociating, you know? Because it was uncomfortable. Because no, no, no, it wasn't uncomfortable. I just normally don't do that kind of thing, but I was rolling the corner of my paper. Oh my God, it was so loud. I apologize, yeah. Well, no, listen, apology not accepted. Oh, then apology rescinded. Oh. How do I get that apology back? Because now I'm reconsidering and I would like the apology. You have to really show me that you want it. Where is it stored, the apology? My apology safety deposit box. Okay, I've got to get in there. That's my new heist movie with my friends. me and my friends gotta get into that vault and get that apology back oh my god the worst heist movie ever the worst for an apology we got it it's all of us in some villa in France that we can't afford because we got no money and we're all toasting each other as I unbox the apology wait and you open it and there's nothing in there you just hear I apologize comes out and it disappears into the air I apologize into the ether so anticlimactic and then someone comes in and says Get down to my villa. You don't pay anything. Your Italian accent. I thought they were French. I know. What is, was that a French? An Italian can own a villa in France. And in this movie, because I can't afford the really good French villa, I go to the Italian villa in France. Asshole, Eduardo. So the Italian villas are subpar is what you're saying. No, this one just happens to be, I would never generalize, but this guy really doesn't have his shit together. except he's on it with the billing anyway um yeah so i think i have to start taking paper away from you because i'm gonna have other interviews it happened one time in hundreds three almost 400 interviews but it happened the first time that we had removed that was the best part it was the first time i had removed paper from the guest to try and stop this problem when i hear crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle and i'm like who's ordering crinkle cut fries and I look over and there's my you're not above this you're often doodling on your paper doodling is different that is an artist expressing himself oh no you owe me an apology oh like you know about noises that come up in the oh yeah you do listen to the podcast do I make a lot of ding ding ding noises no what you do is this yeah yeah that's me well I'm very I have a high moral standard but the audience wouldn't know that I cut them all out. That's me disapproving of the morality of the people around me. Really? I'm tisking them. That's not- So I should leave those in? No, you should take them out, but you should put them in a box and put them in a safety deposit box. I've got one of those. Movie ends with me and my gang at an Italian villa in Switzerland. No, an Italian villa in Ireland. What? And we open up the box and all these come out. And then a guy comes in and says, are you in the bail, you bail? Now get out or I throw this pile of potatoes at you. Oh. Ireland. Because it's Ireland. I tied it all together. God, he's good. Who's talking? Conan. About who? Himself. Anyway, no more paper for you. No more paper for me. And I'll try not to do. Yeah, why do you guys even need paper? When do I do that? You do it. No, but when? You do it usually as you're about to begin a thought. So you go like, another thing you always say, coming into a response to a guest is, you know, it's interesting that, or it's very funny that, and then you'll go and then say something. Yeah. It's very erotic when I think about it. It's erotic? Do you think that's a turn on for women? Not at all. What do you define erotic? Yeah. What do you mean? When I was single, when I was single, I used to go, oh yeah, this is really good. Oh my God. It sounds like you're trying to- Girls love it when guys make creepy noises at them. Like that really works for a lot of girls. Summoning a horse. And that's me. I'm in the bathroom there in the bedroom. I'm just talking to the mirror. I don't know what's happening in this scenario. I don't know what happened. You know what? Why do you guys even need paper? Like, I never have paper in front of me. Just don't have paper. What do you need it for? I have to write notes. When you were my assistant, you never had any paper. I used to ask you to write things down and you wouldn't do it. Yeah, but look who's not making noise. This guy. Will you admit that you rarely had paper when you were my assistant? You know why I didn't have paper? Because I was using an iPad with the writing stylus because I was trying to save paper. You were drawing dicks and butts. You were drawing dicks and butts with your stylus. But I was also taking certain notes. It wasn't all dicks and butts. Every time I went over your notes, I looked over your shoulder and you were drawing butts. Okay. I think there was a reason that I was drawing butts. Wait, remember when Gourley made a lot of noise with paper? You know what? You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I love it. Erotic. Also, remember when he sneezes and blows his nose a lot? Oh, remember when you spilled water all over the table? That was one time. Hey, remember when we got along and made a great podcast? No, I don't. I don't either. All right. All right, let's get started. Yes. You threw your papers on the floor. To prove a point. Here we go, here we go. Adam gave me. Here we go. No, I didn't know if we were doing it, if that was a segment. I like forgot, is that a segment? No, I'm serious, I don't know. My guest today is a comedian and actor who you can now see in season two of the Fox comedy Going Dutch. Are we related? Are we not? We just don't know, but you'll find out. Dennis Leary, welcome. I want to say one thing before we get started, which is you and I have known each other a long time. We've hung out. We've enjoyed each other's company. You always go out of your way to tell me that you've been listening to the podcast and then tell me what happened on the podcast. So some people say, I love the podcast. And you can tell they're just reading it off their phone that I have a podcast. But Dennis is a true Blue fan and he's always going on and on about two other people in the room who aren't me. Okay. All right. This enrages me. So listen, this is a perfect opportunity for me to say this. I don't know what this means. I don't really fucking listen to podcasts, okay? But I listened to this because it was on the radio and I drive everywhere. In Manhattan, I drive everywhere. In Brooklyn, I drive everywhere. So I fucking was like, oh my God, Conan has a podcast. And once I got in, now, one of my favorite things on the old TV show. I can't remember which iteration who knows when you and Sona were doing the bits those filmed bits were fucking genius so I love those so once I started listening to this I just told these guys this backstage I was like listen I like the podcast most of the people that are on this show I know I've either worked with or I've hung out with or I've known for forever before we were famous like Ben Stiller or whoever so I'm interested but not what really brings me in is when these two when corley and fucking sona are arguing and on you yeah it's some of the funniest fucking shit fuck you man fuck you maybe maybe a little more artistic than that okay not just go suck a dick hey that's better that's why you're on to it's so fucking funny and also it's just when you're firing back at them that's really my favorite part. So like when I met Sona just before, I've been here for like four hours. Conan doesn't get here until like a minute before you start shooting. He's too big of a star. Yeah. I was downstairs. And you could hear my helicopter landing on the roof of the building. Well, I thought, does it land where the pool used to be? Why the fuck would you, why would you? There was a pool when we bought this building and I covered it right away. You covered it up. Why? Because you can't go in the sun. What about everybody else? Sona obviously can go in the sun. I can't. Take it away. Take it away. I can't go in the sun anymore at all. I used to go in the sun all the time. I can't. Now I'm just, every time I go in the sun, I get a melanoma. Okay. So it happens instantly. Instantly. If that light here, this light, this light is going to, I have melanoma before the podcast is over. This is how I know that we are related. Is that, is from the skin cancer. You are, it's so funny because people get, hung up, you know, like, uh, who's, what's your skin color or race, all that kind of stuff. And we're not just white. You are a deathly pallor. And I think I'm whiter than you except. Yes. But we're not even white. We're like, we're into a different, it's like translucent. You guys are ultraviolet. Yes. Yes. It's like a UV form of, of skin. Yes. Yes. It's see-through. We emit light. Yeah. That's how white we are. You're prisms. Yeah, people have used me in mines to get copper out. We are literally walking lamps, okay? So, oh, here he comes, good, good. Open the old text and we'll read. I can't fucking find my phone, get Conan over here. Conan, look in there. Always keep a Conan or a Dennis by the bed. That's so fucking funny. Just right there in case there's an emergency. All right, let's crack into this right away because there's a lot to talk about. I want to say another thing about how old we are. Yeah. Because when he told me, I just did a gig with you. I know how old you are, but in my mind, I think I'm like 40. Yeah. And then when I see somebody like you who's in my age group, I go, Conan doesn't look like he's 40 anymore. Yeah. And that's what reminds me that I'm fucking almost 70. You feel older by looking at Conan. I provide that service for everybody, Can I just say that? I don't just emit light, but I will help you determine how old you are by just looking at me. Wait, I'm just aging in your presence. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I saw Brian Kiley downstairs. Brian Kiley has been with me. From the beginning. Those guys are downstairs. They're working on the Oscars. And Brian Kiley has been with me since I think 1993. Yes. Brian Kiley from Newton, Mass. and part of the Irish mafia. And he went to my Sunday school. We had Sunday school instruction that happened, I think on a Monday night, it was called the Senegal and we'd go out to like Brighton and we were taught by nuns once a week. You know, parents would send their kids to make sure they got proper Catholic instruction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sons and daughters. And so I would get driven out there with my brothers and Brian Kiley was one of the kids that we used to talk to. That's so crazy. Yeah, and it was always about the Bruins. Because I played hockey with him. Oh really, you did? Yeah, in Charlestown of all places. How does he play hockey? He has no leg muscle. He's a guy that works out all the time, and he has this incredible buff torso, and then two pork Slim Jims hanging off of his pelvis. Well, this is how good, well, we don't have to waste a lot of time talking about Kylie, but Kylie looks the same. Yeah. He looks literally, because he was bald He was bald when we were like 20. Yeah. And he was always in shape. Yeah. And so now- He looks the same. He looks exactly the same. He's Brian Colley with glasses. Yeah. You know, because he's getting old. His eyes are getting old. He's 110 years old. He's 110 years old. He fought in the Korean conflict. He did, yeah. So we played, and he was a comic from my generation. He's a great joke writer. Just a great joke writer. Why are we talking about him? You know what? I have the same thing. When we're talking about another comic, and it's not one of us, I have an egg timer that goes off after three seconds. Like, why are we talking about this person? He's a great writer. I may have mentioned this, but we had Gene Simmons on the late night show years and years and years ago. And we had some sketch that he was gonna be in. And I can't remember the context, but for some reason he said okay to a lot of the different jokes. But then there was one joke that involved him just saying, and I take like a jazzercise class with Richard Simmons, the workout guy. and he put an X through it. And our head writer at the time said, well, you don't like that joke? Was there a problem with it? And he said, he's welcome to mention me anytime, but I don't need to mention him. And our writer said, well, wait a minute. Do you have a beef with him or something? He went, not at all. But he said, no free rides. That was the thing that haunts me. He said this, he said, no free rides. and what that means is why would I mention someone else unless I'm getting something for it? Literally another person like, hey, Gene Simmons, how are your children doing? No free rides. Those guys. No, are they well? No free rides. Oh my God. Isn't that crazy? Well, if you can't monetize it, it is, right? If you can't turn it into a Kiss Cuisinart, what's the point? Anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this. I'm very impressed, by the way. I'm going to say something nice about you now. Oh God. These go nowhere. by the way. He's off and built. I'm not going to say it. Nice, nice, nice, nice. And then you can come in with you know eat a dick Hey fuck you Yeah yeah I just want to say he did the Comics Come Home concert I do in Boston every year for the cam Neely foundation uh which is a charity I been involved with It's a big charity you've been doing for like 20 something, 29 years, 30. Anyways, he did it this year. He was, we knew it was going to be funny on stage. Fucking band love doing, um, road runner, road runner. Yeah. Which was really funny, but he was so fucking nice to everybody, including my baby sister backstage and, and all these other people there. we went up to the VIP donor dinner, which is people who really donate a shitload of fucking money to the hospital and the cause and everything. And was funny up there, took all the pictures with everybody. He was so fucking nice to everybody. And then he was a complete asshole later on. I know when to turn it off. Yeah, it only lasts for like nine minutes. I'd look around it when I'd see it was only me and Dennis or Maniscalco too. I'd just, I'd be like, okay, I'm going to tag out now. Screw you guys. He was still a dick. Part of it, he was like, no you were really it was fucking nice of you to do that and every and you killed and the when you were backstage talking to my baby sister she loves you and she was like my god conan was so nice i was like that's fucking front but he was nice to you for like five minutes yeah yeah but thank you for that oh no well this is the thing and and then we'll get to uh the question i had for you eventually at the end skin cancer question i just i want you to look at something okay because there's got a ridge around the edge of it. Oh yeah, yeah, no, that's, you gotta get that taken out. So you said to me, hey, can you come do the Cam Neely thing? And I said, yeah, I've never been able to do it before because I'm always taping. And I said, no, this year I can do it. So I said, yes, I go to Boston and I'm not thinking. And then I get to, I'm like, okay, where am I going now? TD Garden. So this is an arena, okay? And I think, oh, it's an arena. and I get up to the stage and I peek through the curtain, completely packed. I swear to God, I think everybody in Boston was there. And you have a moment of, Jesus Christ, look at this. I mean, an arena, this is what people see when they're playing the last game, you know, in the basketball season, in the championship. This is what you're looking at. And it was packed the next day, the next morning, I'm walking around Boston, like Newberry Street. I'm over near that Hancock Tower. I'm just running some errands. I'm going to go hang with some of my family. And people are just yelling out windows, great job last night. Hey, had a lot of fun. Like everyone in town had been to this thing. It's really impressive what you've built because yeah, there's a lot of different charities, but I'm hard pressed to think of one where everybody in that city goes. Well, listen, it's awesome. It's really cool. Cam Neely, you know, who played for the Boston Bruins and is a Hockey Hall of Famer. You know, he's the president of the Bruins. He's a legend. Yeah. He runs the team. So it's like, you know, they respond to the cause. Boston's such a great fucking comedy scene. And it's still thriving there. So the guys coming back and who came out of that scene, but people like you as well who were from Boston, anybody that comes in to do, they appreciate that. But Cam, you know, he has turned that charity into such a big success. Right. And he's, you know, he's a very present guy in that city. People love him. They love the Bruins. It's a hockey town. It's a sports town. So I think they see us within that light as well. You know, we're at the Garden where the Celtics and the Bruins play. Like, I saw Conan at the Garden last night. Which is so cool. For me growing up, the idea that anybody saw me at the Garden is crazy. Because it sounds like I, I mean, to me, it just makes me think, yeah, and I drained a three-pointer. No, I didn't. No. I fucked around. You know what's so funny is like because of our families, backstage in my dressing room and in a couple of the areas are like my sisters and my older brother and a bunch of my cousins, right? And then I go and introduce Conan to my baby sister like in the cafeteria where they're serving some food or whatever. And then the show gets done and I was like, I got to go in and thank, again, thank Conan because he was so fucking good. And I go in his dressing room and there's a cousin. I don't know if she's a cousin of mine, but she's a cousin of yours from Worcester. Yep. Who's in there. Was she espousing a conspiracy theory? If it's a cousin of mine, then probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I walk in and he goes, hey, this is my cousin, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, I just remember she went, this is my, was it her husband? Her name's Catherine, but we call her Boo. Okay, and her husband is Artie? Let's just say he's Artie. She's married to Artie Lang, which is not going well. Anyway, it was so funny because she was telling us some weird story about Worcester and she was like, this is my husband, Neil, or whatever his name is. Yeah. And he's just like a guy saying nothing in the corner. It's because she's- There's no room to talk around any O'Brien or Reardon. I know, it's so funny. You've gotten me to what I want to talk about, which is, I didn't even know this, but a number of years ago, you said, hey, I'm your cousin, we're related, because I think you didn't know it either. I had no idea. And then I, so we try to look into it. You're from Worcester, Mass. Yep. All my people are from Worcester, Mass. Yep. My father's side of the family is from just outside Worcester. My mother's side of the family is from Worcester. So the Reardons are from Worcester. The O'Briens are from like towns outside, Millbury, Sturbridge. Basically Worcester. Basically Worcester. Yeah. And my grandfather was directed traffic downtown in Worcester. And that was the job he had. As we say, Worcester. Worcester. Worcester. Worcester. And I used to go and hang out with my cousin there when I was growing up and hang out in Worcester. And there was one thing to do and one thing only, which is for some reason, there was a museum of armor. Oh, yeah. From like the 14th. Armor. Yeah, armor. Museum of armor. And so people would say- Did you go to the AMA museum? Yeah, and literally what it was, it's not even that well curated. It was just a big, it was a big old office building that hadn't been used, that had been shut down in like 1920. And they filled it with armor that they didn't clean. It was just, I think some of it, most of it wasn't on a mannequin. It was just- It was horrible. It was horrible. And it looked like a hoarder's attic of armor. And so I remember I'd be saying my cousin and my aunt would be like, go see the AMA. Why don't you go see some AMA? That was a big highlight in Worcester. And literally like, we did that yesterday. Do it again! Because it's Worcester and that's what you do. There's not a lot. And you'd walk around and go, yep, there it is. Now they have a minor league baseball team for the Red Sox. Polo Park, which is downtown. Used to be the Pawtucket Red Sox and they moved. Is that right? They moved to Worcester. Yep. And it's Polo Park, nice little ballpark in downtown Worcester. And they have a minor league hockey team. And so things are looking up. This is how, and the thing is, when you're from Worcester. It only took us 150 years. Here's the really funny thing, yeah. The mill closed in like 1902. Listen, let me tell you, when I was growing up, and some people are still bemoaning this, it was the heroin capital of New England for a while, when I was like a teenager. Why do you think I was there? But we were literally like, hey, we're famous for something. Yeah. Right? Wow. And then, I think it's now Lowell. Anyways, it's like 10 years ago. Lowell took the crown. Lowell took the crown. We can get it back. I know. And I was like, so now we have nothing? So Lowell took the herald capital of New England. We don't even have that. I think we still have the armory. Yeah. But yeah, and the thing is, Worcester, this is how Worcester-centric people get. And don't get me wrong, I love Worcester. So do I. And my whole family's there. It's a big deal. And the people are lovely. And it was a big part of my growing up because that's where I'd go see my grandparents and cousins. So it's very near and dear to my heart. but I will say that when you're in Worcester, everything's Worcester centric and nothing exists outside Worcester when you're there. So I had the experience of, when I got the late night show in 1993, there was all this speculation. First of all, my own relatives were like, what the hell? You're going to take over for Letterman? I'd be like, yeah, I guess so. I mean, what the hell are you talking about? You can't take over for Letterman. They were, I think they didn't even- I remember my family, you know, because everybody still lives in Worcester and they were all like, hey, do you know this guy? And I'm like, no, I don't know this guy. No one knew that guy. And so- He said it over for Letterman? Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, we'll see. Good luck to him. Yeah. So- Hey, look at us. Years later, here you are covering up pools fucking in Hollywood. That's how I'm doing. Close that fucking pool. Everybody inside. Destroy it. Fit it with cement. So I am there. I'm in Worcester visiting my uncle, Jim Ridd, and we called him Gavin. Wait a minute, what? Makes perfect sense. Yeah, his name was Gavin. That's what we called him, Uncle Gavin. And Uncle Gavin said to me, I know who your first guest should be. And at the time, people were saying, when you have your talk show, you can have pretty much anyone as your first guest. Anyone will be like, oh my God, first guest on a talk show. And if it goes, then I'm always going to be the first guest. So you pretty much have whoever you want. And he went, I know who it's going to be. And this is what you got to do. And I said, who? And he said, Bob Cousy. And I said, what? And he said, Bob Cousy. Bob Cousy. Oh, my God. A big star out of Holy Cross College in Worcester, who was a big star for the Celtics in the 1940s and 50s. Back when people shot, he would shoot his, whiter than me, and he would shoot his free throws between his legs. Like he'd. Granny style. Granny style. He would shoot them between his legs. And great player. But this is 1993. and I'm being told. By the way, he's still alive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's 100. And God bless you. I'd have him now. I'd have him now. Yeah. But as my first guest in 1993, can you imagine if I said... Bob Cousy. Bob Cousy. You know, when I was a kid... But that's how... And I said, I don't know if it's going to work for the first... And they're like, what are you talking about? It's Bob Cousy. It's Bob Cousy. Everyone's going to go crazy. Yeah, everyone in Worcester is going to go crazy. He lived in what they call the nice section of Worcester, which I can't remember at that time You know when your parents would drive around and look at houses that you're never going to live in after mass on Sundays? Because we lived in Maine South. We lived in an apartment in a two and a half decker, not even a three decker. So my father would drive us by Bob Cousy's house in the nice neighborhood. He's like, Bob Cousy's house. And we're like, yeah, we know. We go by it every Sunday. You know what I mean? Can we go to the armory now? He had a driving school for a while in Worcester. What? Yeah. A driving school. Bob Cousy's driving school. I want to drive like Bob Cousy. Yeah, I'd be like, what is that? Why the fuck is he ever driving? So, this I want to ask you about because this is something you can relate to because of what you just said. And I wasn't going to talk about this, but when you're Irish Catholic and growing up in, you know, and you're in Boston or you're in Central Massachusetts, there's this whole thing of what kind of Irish are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mother was, you know, had been the first in her family, like to, I'm not the first in her family, but her generation was the first in her family, obviously, to go to college. Yeah, yeah. And she had really worked hard and she had become a lawyer. And she used to sometimes talk to us about how we are not, you know, we are not, we are lace curtain Irish. and my brothers and I would, my sisters would be sitting around being like, what are you talking about? What? And she'd say, you know, we're not triple decker Irish. You know, she would have- You don't come out of Worcester and become a Lace Carton Irish. No, exactly. And I'd say, mom, what are you talking about? Just because you moved to Brookline? Yeah, and also, also I'd look in the corner, it'd be like a ham hanging on a rope. And my brother Neil was hanging off of it like a bear in the woods. I mean, all of our behavior. What? We would have potato fights. There was, I mean, There was nothing about us that was all respectable in the way that we behaved, but she was just willing it to be so. Do you know what I mean? It's so crazy because when I heard Lace Kurt and I, when you grow up in Massachusetts, especially in our age group, like the fucking Kennedys, right? Yeah. This is before, you know, RFK Jr. This is like when the Kennedys were the Kennedys, right? Right, right. So I still remember actually, this is like one of my first memories as a kid growing up. Like, I don't know why. It's the summer of 63. My parents couldn't afford to go back to Ireland when they came over in 49 and 50. They couldn't afford to go back. Then in 1963 was the first time they could afford to go, but they can only take one kid with them because they didn't have enough money. So my older brother, Johnny, got to go, and the rest of us got dispersed to other apartments as cousins. Now, let's keep in mind, this is 1803. We ate cold for breakfast. So I remember that summer really well because that's the summer that JFK went to Ireland. Yep. Huge deal. I'm with Logan and my mother and my father get on this plane with my brother, who I really hate now because he's going to Ireland. And I got stuck with my Aunt Betty, who had no kids, and who gave me a Bible. It's the summertime. She gave me a Bible. It was a summertime Bible. Those are fun. CharlieXCX, summertime Bible. It's Bible summer. Bible summer. I don't know why that didn't catch on. she keeps flogging it and it's not catching on my god uh she took us i had to go to mass every day i had to go to mass every day and then she'd walk me over to where my sister and marie was at my my cousins the lucy's they were a couple blocks away where all the kids were having a blast in their yard and she was like i don't want you to get too dirty we have to go back and i'm like and that was a month of the but anyways also that when my parents came back which i still remember that Kennedy was in Ireland, which was a big thing. But then he spoke at Holy Cross that summer, at the end of the summer. So he drove through the neighborhood with the cover on the car. Yeah. Unfortunate choice. In Worcester. Yeah. There's nothing to worry about Worcester. Yeah. He went to, yeah. And that was like three months later when he got killed. And I remember that because that, I remember the nuns telling us to go home because we lived in the, we went to school in the neighborhood where we lived. So, you know, it was, I think I was, I was in art class, I think. that day we were in our class and the nuns were like everybody go home right what because they they knew the if a nun told me to go home i wouldn't question it for a second wait a minute are you sure we can't have more catholic instruction because i think we got 40 minutes left i just got a new bible i just got my summer bible yeah that that that summer lives in my That was so horrible living without Betty. Oh, my God. She dressed me up with a tie every day in the summertime. Oh, my God. It was horrible. Mass every day? Mass every day. I didn't know they did that. With this stupid fucking Bible. Stupid fucking. Did you ever question why you were chosen to go with Betty and the other ones got to go there? Because she didn't have any kids and they felt bad later when I asked them. But they were like, we wanted her to have a kid. But why did you have to go to Betty? There must have been a reason. Because I was her godchild. Oh, there you go. And her fucking husband. And that's a sacred bond. Her husband was dead. You drew the short straw. Oh my God. It was so fucking horrible. Anyways. But thank God I lived past it. So. Well, she's here today. Yeah. Let's bring her out. She's a hundred and. I'm still alone. No, it's so funny because there's this. There's no. There this life that I knew growing up and it everyone Irish Everybody Irish Everybody Irish and Massachusetts And and you know we don get to choose what our makeup is Uh that just what we are And it so interesting to me how comedy, I don't know. It just felt like a cellular thing. It didn't even feel like a choice. It's just something. In your family. I'm, I know from what I've heard you say before, I know in my family, this is true. My parents were really funny. All my aunts were really, Everybody was sarcastic. Yeah. And so I'm sure your family was the same. Same thing. And really funny stories and people just laughing their asses off around the table. Yep. Eating some of the unhealthiest food that you can imagine. Oh, the worst. The worst. Oh, my God. I keep waiting for the Surgeon General to say, you know, ham is fried ham with butter. Oh, my God. Is actually lengthens your life. Yeah. Because then I'd be in great shape. I remember there was an Italian family that lived next door, the Corellis. Their mother used to cook. Like while you were out playing football or baseball or street hockey in the street in the summertime, she would come out with homemade pizza or, I mean, just unbelievable. So my brother, my brother and I, my brother ended up marrying an Italian girl. My brother was like, you know, mom, Mrs. Corelli makes the business. And she's like, I can make pasta. I can make spaghetti. And we were like, oh, please don't. Right? And so one night she made this. I'll never forget this. I loved her. I loved my mother. She just passed away this year. She was 98. And she was lucid right up to the end. But she was an Irish cook. You know what that is. Yes, I do. Boil it. It's like that. You remember Don Gavin, the comedian from Boston? He had a great line one time. He was like, I was eating my mother's food. And my brother turned to me and said, this tastes like shit. And I went, you can taste it? That sums up Irish food, right? So I remember my, what I remember very clearly is my mom would say, wanted to make, she used to make spaghetti with meat sauce. You know, she thought it was spaghetti meat sauce. Basically what it was, was many packages of hamburger meat that are fried up in a giant. And then you put some pasta in there and there was, I don't even know if there was sauce. but for years and I loved it, but I thought that that was spaghetti with meat sauce. And so when I went to, when I, you know, finally left home and then I'm in New York and I go to an Italian restaurant, I was, I think I was berating a waiter. Like, sir, there should be six hamburgers. There should be at least three pounds of ground beef that's been fried in this. I mean, basically I thought it was a burger. And there's too much flavor. What's going on here? Why do I suddenly taste things? Why does it taste good? Yeah. It was great. And also then my brother married an Italian, and there was a lot of Italians in the neighborhood. There was Armenians in our neighborhood. It was crazy. We went to the same school for 12 years, right? So you had all these different Puerto Ricans, these different kinds of food, and every night you're eating stuff that you can't taste. Yeah. And then on Fridays when they have fish, it's fish sticks. Fish sticks. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. And my dad putting ketchup on the pasta. Oh, yeah. Well, that's, I mean. I mean, what? Where do we live? And you're like, listen, go out the back door on the porch and look across at the porch across the alley. There's Puerto Rican people eating really good food. Can we go over there? The Corellis are right over here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My father ate, literally, he ate meat. Everything he ate had to have meat. Bacon and eggs. Steak and eggs. You know, he smoked five packs a day. I shouldn't even talk. I smoked for 52 years. Well, I remember very clearly getting the talk show and doing the talk show. It's like two years in. It's starting to level out. It looks like I'm going to make it. I went to some, with my girlfriend at the time, some fancy kind of resorty place in California because I had a week. I think I had a week off, which never happened. And we went out and I think it was, you know, sort of north of San Francisco, right on. you know, cliffs. And it was a very, supposed to be like a very wonderful health conscious place. And I'll never forget, I went in the morning to get my breakfast and they had laid out this table today that I'd be delighted with. Fruits, granola, different, you know, juices, all that kind of stuff. And I started to get mad and I was holding my plate and I was like shaking. I was so mad. And my girlfriend was like, what's your problem? I was like, there's no eggs, there's no bacon. And she was like, hey, chill. But this is, get it! No, no, no, no, no, no. And then I went outside, I put the plate down, I walked outside and I started kicking a tree. What? I was so mad. And you were like, at what age are you at that point? I was like 32. Yeah, 32. Oh my God. Hey, listen, I'm with it. Because, and keep in mind at that time, I went and got a cholesterol test and they said my cholesterol was like, you know, 350. And they basically, and I remember having this image in my head that if I stopped fast at a traffic light in my car, a cholesterol in me would come crashing through my chest because I was made of fucking cholesterol. But it's not your fault. That's your parents and your grandparents. It's Ireland's fault. Yeah. But this morning, you know, my wife makes granola. I put some berries in there. That's what I had this morning. But I still, when she's not looking, put six slices of ham. I love bacon, man. I love bacon. And by the way, I love Ireland. But I've got a lot of cousins there. And I'm shooting a television show over there. Yeah, I want to talk about that. Yeah. So it's funny because my generation, like two of my cousins took over the family farms, which are very close to each other in Killarney. My mother and my father met in Killarney. And so it's so interesting because healthy food, like many other things have come to Ireland. Ireland is doing great financially and it's film and television industry is booming there. And other, as I've grown up, Spanish food and all these other kinds of food have come into, even in Killarney, you go into Killarney, you can get French food in Spain, which is fantastic. I went, this is not that long ago, 15, 20 years ago, maybe, went back to Ireland with my mother and we went to a restaurant in town. A bunch of cousins my age and their kids and my kids. And it was this like really nice Spanish restaurant, which I'd never been to. And they're like, it's great. And we get there and my uncle Dennis, who I'm named for, my mom's brother and my mom, it's like 20 people at the stable. We go in there and we order and they, I think they're ordering, right? And then next thing I know, we're all talking and everything. One of my cousins comes in and he's got fish and chip bags from the fish and chip place across the street. Like they're just dripping with grease. Brown bags. And I'm like, this kid's going to eat. and hands a bag to my mom and a bag to my Uncle Dennis, who are way down there. So I go to my cousin, Mahal. I go, what's going on? He goes, oh, they won't eat the Spanish food, so, you know, they're allowed to bring in fish and chips. I go, Ma, you... She goes, I'm not having this stuff, this Spanish stuff. Yeah. Everyone knows Spanish food is awful. She literally... She wouldn't even eat a real Italian food she didn't like. She was like, meat, potatoes... I had, when I lived in Charlestown. Also, we're like vampires when you show us a vegetable. Right. When I lived in Charlestown, my girlfriend, my wife now, we had my sister and Maria and my mom over, because my mom was in Boston getting some health stuff done. And so she steamed some salmon and some broccoli and some kind of potato dish. And she served it. And my sister and Maria, my mother, we're all talking and everything. So they bite in it. And my sister, Ann Marie goes, Hey, this broccoli, it's hot. And so Ann Marie goes, And it's green. And my, my girlfriend, Ann goes, no, no, no. I, I know it. I steamed it. And she goes, no, no, but it's hot. And she takes her plate and my mother's plate. It goes into our kitchen in the apartment and reboils the broccoli. Yeah. I, I understand. I understand. apartment where my mother literally, my mother said to me one day, she goes, she was there. When we were growing up in the seventies, my parents got the like avocado green refrigerator and stove. Yep. You remember this? Yep. So my mother's in the kitchen of that apartment and she, she picks up an avocado and she goes, now this is an avocado, right? This is like, this is 1985. Yeah. Yeah. This is an avocado. Right. And I go, yeah. She goes, huh? Yeah. And I go, what you've never seen an no no i've seen avocados i'm just saying that's an avocado and i go spoken like someone who really is around avocados a lot i'm like ma i said when we were growing up didn't you have an avocado colored yeah she said we had the color design in the kitchen was avocado but i wouldn't eat those things she goes they're so greasy and soft i'm like oh my god greasy and soft. Who would describe an avocado as greasy? And also people who eat grease. Eat grease. Ma, it's green. You came from a green day. Emerald Isle. It ties into our whole... I remember saying this to my mother. I can't. My mother did this one time. This kid that we grew up with, one of my best friends, a raging alcoholic. Died from alcoholism. Very young. And she goes, this is just a theme you'll recognize this one i go yeah so listen he he's coming over he quit drinking this is at her house in worcester he's coming over he quit drinking so don't give him anything she goes okay he walks in the door she says hi we sit down and the next thing you know she cracks a beer and puts it in front of him i go mo what are you doing and he of course he's like hey like this she goes what i go he can't drink but you can't drink and he goes i know yeah i can't she goes no that's just beer yeah beer doesn't count genus doesn't count beer doesn't count right No, Guinness is like a glass of milk. Oh, that's growing up. It's like a loaf of bread. Yeah. Oh my God. I know. He can't be an alcoholic, all he drinks is beer. He had 35 beers, he's okay. He's driving a school bus in the morning. He'll be all right. My brother, I would be in a car or a van with my brother when we were like in our 20s and he'd have a cooler full of beer And I'd be like, you're driving and drinking beers? He goes, yeah, it's not like I'm drinking booze. What is happening? Massachusetts, where are you guys from? You know what's so funny? Where are you from? This all makes perfect sense. It doesn't even sound like comedy to me. Cause it's just, you're like, we're like two fish and you're describing water. And these two lizards over here are going water, water. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Of course no one would have a hard vegetable. You need to boil that shit until it's a paste and it's great. I have to tell you like a great paste. So funny. I have because of my algorithms on my Instagram feed on my phone. Every day comes up, comes like from last night. There was one this morning. I saw, you know, people fighting at a hockey game in Massachusetts, right? A kid's hockey game. The one this morning was, you see these two guys go, oh, yeah? Say it again. Say it again. It's a girls hockey game. You can see the girls stopping in a glass. And then you see a woman come in. A woman. Of course. It's Massachusetts. And she hits the first guy. Hey! You shut up and leave him alone. There's always a woman. Every girlfriend I had that was from Massachusetts could fight. Yeah. The Nebraska sisters. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You did not want to mess with them. No. It's crazy. Oh my God. These are kids hockey games? Kids. Oh yeah. Last night. Oh my God. I thought you were going to say like fans from like, you know, Bruins and another team. A fight can break out at any time. But you know, what's interesting is the whole culture, there's something in the whole culture and it's in the, it's in the comedy scene and everything is just this. people think of like new york is tough and think yeah boston uh you can almost people have like gravel when they talk like in their it's it's in their persona it's in their language it's everything is very abrasive and i remember we used to have in the early days of late night i would have all these boston comics come on and some of them you know you'd have a comic-con who had only been in the clubs in boston yeah yeah and i'd be there and i'd say all right everybody and now we got a great, you know, here he comes. And I'd throw to his brand new comic in Boston. He's been a big deal in the Boston comedy scene. Here he is. And a guy would come out and he'd have his hat pulled down over his eyes. And it was pure vitriol and anger. And I remembered my audience would be like, Jesus Christ. Make that monster go away. I know. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. Because they had lived in a, they had grown up in a sea of lava. and this was their first time out. That's one of the most amazing, I mean, there's a lot of great comedians over the years from my generation through Bill Burr's generation and even now. But I went to college at Emerson College with Stephen Wright. So in college, Stephen was the shyest human being on the planet, right? But really funny, quietly, really unbelievably funny. And so when he started doing standup, that was one of the reasons I got into it is because somebody told me, hey steve wright's doing stand-up yeah after we graduated at a chinese restaurant in cambridge where there's a talent i was a chinese restaurant in cambridge where there's a talent steven wright and i went and he was he was so different from yeah lenny clark was hosting that show that's how i went i was gonna bring up lenny because i saw him at the cam neely yeah yeah lenny clark just this absolute mount rushmore icon of boston comics and i loved hanging out with him because it was like i'm so glad he's he's here he was really funny uh he's like the fred flintstone of boston comics he literally looks like fred flintstone come to life and he's really loud he's a great actor too but he's this is the way he talks yeah um he loves you but uh he's he was hosting that show and it was a talent show and steve wright was just so he his jokes were like haiku it was so so beautifully written but he was the only person like that you know everybody bobcat gulfway came out of my genre everybody was allowed bill burr um you know everybody was sarcastic and loud and quick you know the crowds were tough you know yeah steven to this day he's like a it's like he's a diamond yeah no no he's i mean i always think if steven's stand-up was always these jokes that are polished stones they're really precise like some of the most famous ones like small world but i wouldn't want to paint it yeah yeah that joke is just like yeah what are you talking about so you're coming up from that in that scene and i know that you were interested when you're at emerson you're interested in comedy yes right and you started like a comedy group that's, I think, still going today. Yeah, yeah. So- The Comedy Workshop. Yeah. Which was- So you knew this is something I'd like to do at a very early age. Yeah. So when I was growing up, my dad was a mechanic by trade, but he was a great musician. And he played in Irish bands and he played accordingly After a wedding or any kind of big family event people would come back to our apartment and eventually the house we lived in Um and my dad would play accordion and there was always music in the house but my dad was my and my mom so fucking funny. So like so funny and so sarcastically at the moment you walked in the door from school, what the hell are you so happy? Like they would start in on you. Right. So we were all funny in response to that naturally as you know um and then when i was a kid a teenager uh i saw fucking monty python yeah and and richard pryor like almost like the the rebellious new richard pryor like 1972 73 so i was like and then george carlin and i was like what the fuck is this right monty python just fucking made our heads explode yeah i mean that was crazy that was the new i always I've told Eric Idle this a million times. That was the, for me anyway, that was the atomic bomb blast. That was the Oppenheimer moment of, oh, sketches don't have to end. Yep. Like, well, and so it was, you know, I guess we really are the fathead family. And then the curtain comes down. They just blew everything up. It was crazy. It was crazy. They were like the Beatles of comedy. I never, to this day, nothing has ever done that atomic thing. Although I did prior and Carlin, especially Carlin, because he was talking like he was in the neighborhood. He was talking about Catholic school and nuns and seven dirty words and all that stuff. So then I was like, and then Saturday Night Live happened. Yeah. And that first cast. And I was like, Belushi, especially. I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. You know, it's still true. At that same time in music, I was more of a Stones fan. I don't really remember seeing the Beatles on TV and stuff, but I liked the Beatles. But David Bowie. The first time I saw Bowie, I was like, my brother and I were like, what is this? Yeah. Which was that just music. I was like, he's androgynous, I'm androgynous. I remember that really clearly. Yeah. You know? You felt seen. I felt seen for the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. David Bowie was singing to you. And he was also saying, hey, Conan, you wanna try this outfit on? Yes, I do. And yet he still seems tougher than me. Yeah. Oh, he beat the shit out of me along with the Sikorsky twins, whatever their name is. Sikorsky twins. No, but I, it's so, so it's interesting to me that you see that happening. You start this group and then you start getting up on stage. Well, to be fair though, I, the group was started by me and a, and a bunch of other friends of mine at the time. Yeah. We, because we couldn't, the juniors and seniors would get the acting roles, rightfully so before they graduated, you had to wait in line. There was a seniority system. everybody had to play a major lead role in a play or a musical before you left the school to get your degree because it was acting and writing right so we got there like we're never going to get on stage then we found out you could for you can get money from the student government to form a theater group we were all comedy nerds we loved snl which is the beginning of snl at that time and python uh prior carlin um we all loved those shows like the mary tyler all those funny women on the mary tyler moore show it was yeah so a bunch of us formed the the the group and it was it was packed with talent lauren dombrowski was my girlfriend at the time ended up being one of the producers of mad tv um mario canton was in the original group who's just like who was as funny yeah at that time yeah when we were 18 years old as he is now um there was so many talented people in that in that era um and then there was a couple guys later in the comedy workshop who ended up writing on The Simpsons. John Frank. Yep. I know John Frank. He's hilarious. And at my generation, after I left the comedy workshop, then it was David Cross and Laura Keitlinger. I mean, it was an insane amount of talent at that school. And it still is. I have to say, I'm often back there in Boston. A lot of my siblings live around the area. And so I find myself in Boston a lot and I'm always talking to people who are really sharp, really funny. And then it turns out they're Emerson. Yeah. Emerson, there's something in the water at Emerson. So many great people have come from there. Well, it's just, it's the type of kids. It's the theater kids from high school, the funny kids from high school, the best dancers, the film. Those are the kinds of kids who go to a school like Emerson. So that's like, it's more, you're finding people more like yourself. You know, like in high school, I was really funny. you know i i i didn't i wasn't going to make it as a hockey player but i was really funny in the back of the class right and uh and then i was trying to make my friends laugh but i didn't think that that was going to turn into something but here we are right you're covering up pools i'm your guest you own a building you own a fucking building i own a building i had nuns who told me i had one spanish nun and she was right in her way i i flunked spanish twice in high school she's I'm just gonna give you a passing grade to get you out of the building, Leary. And she was like, what are you gonna do with yourself? What's gonna happen to you? You're not gonna go anywhere. Hey, Sister Judith Kappenman, that was her name. Sister Judith Kappenman. No free rides. Yeah, no free rides. Don't mention her. Right somewhere right now, Gene Simmons is going like, why did he mention her? Why should she get a free ride? She's a Catholic nun who's probably dead. Why should she get a free ride? Listen, she has to be dead. She has to be dead. She was like 90 then. You say it like someone who hired three hitmen. She has to be dead. I've hired the best. Like Conan. Seven times. You know that that really is the same nuns and the same priest for 12 years. There are nuns where I'm like, is she dead? She's got to be dead, right? She's got to be dead. That's not a good sentence. She has to be dead. She has to be. How can she still be alive? No one survives a cop bomb like that. We put her in a barrel with some cement blocks and we dropped her in the Mystic River. How is she alive? We drove her to Charlestown, threw her off the bridge. You know what it reminds me of? In the first, in the Godfather, the first one, the first Godfather, when Salazzo finds out that the Don is still alive. They shot him and he goes, he's still alive. He's still alive. It's bad news for me and worse for you if you can't make this deal, Tom. But I always, I always, that always is like a, it's a thing in my brain. Still alive! Yeah. And that's what you're, they're going to come and tell you, no, no, she's around, she's 150, still alive! Well, I'll tell you, there was one great nun there, and that was the theater nun at St. Peter's. I love a theater nun. Yeah. She put me in plays. Yeah. And I loved it, because the hottest girls were in the plays. And eventually, like, my brother and all the jocks were like, yeah, we want to be in the plays too now and hold the girls and everything. But she, she... Hold the girls! Yeah, yeah. Hey, are there any good holding plays? How much holding is there in Othello? That's how they rank the plays. No, because she would tell you, like, grab her by the bosom and by the rump and lift her up for the dance room numbers, right? I want that part. I told my brother and those guys, they were like, what do you mean? You get to grab? I'm like, yeah. Anyways, Bill Murray told me the same story. I have a whole acting philosophy around as much grabbing as possible. So Bill Murray said, I heard him tell the same story one time. He was at a Catholic school and a nun made him be in a musical. Right. And he went in and it was the hottest girls. And he was like, what is this? Anyways, that nun, Sister Rosemary Sullivan at St. Peter's, that wasn't a great student. She said, listen, I took a night class at Emerson. I have connections there. You just audition. You do a written essay and then you do like a live audition. Right. And you can get a scholarship. And that's how I got the scholarship at Emerson. She got me the audition. So that's how I got into Emerson. It changed my life. And I stayed friends with her until she died. She followed my career. She was a great nun. But there's a lot of nuns that I literally still think like, is she alive? Is she out there? Because they were so fucking mean. They were like, just like a cult of angry fucking women who just hated fucking kids. Okay, that's all the time we have. They can hit you. This microphone isn't working. I can't even. He's afraid of the Catholic Church. You're sure he's still scared. He's still afraid. I'm terrified. I'm terrified. The nuns at the cynical? When they wear the habit. Oh my God. I mean, the thing is you have to remember there's the habit, which is black. They're like, it's like, you know, it's a Marvel universe villain. No, no, no, no. They were literally villains. Like this girl, you weren't allowed to have pierced tears. And this girl showed up with pierced tears right at the beginning of after the summer. And we were, you know, you're changing classes. You're all in the hallway. And we heard this scream and this nun had torn this girl's earrings out of her ear. So she's bleeding. Oh my God. And threw the things down and gave her detention. We're like, this is crazy. And they used to grab the girls and hit them on the back of the legs and grab them and measure their skirts. But they could hit you. Like when you went home and said, ma, I got hit by sister Judith Catman. What'd you do? What'd you do? Yeah, what'd you do? What did you do? I'm sure you had it coming. Which most of the time I did have it coming. But I'm just saying, they didn't fucking hit you. Sometimes they hit you just because they could. But to be fair, your skirt was the proper life. I gotta make sure I mention Oh my God. This show Going Dutch, which you've been working on. In my defense, I was wearing the skirt because David Bowie was so fucking good. He was huge. And I had a crush on this girl, Conan. Yes. Going Dutch. You know, I just, because one of the writers who's helping me out, Skyler is a fantastic writer and he's been working for you. And he worked on the show and I said, how is it? And he said, oh, it's, you know, we're, it's in Ireland. And I said, you're shooting it in Ireland, which is not where the show takes place. No. But it is, it's fascinating to me that, yeah, that's where so much production is done now. Yeah. Well, we're shooting there because the show is set. It's based on a real army base that was in the Netherlands that got shut down. It's a funny idea. Yeah. Because of black market, you know, drugs are legal. Sex is legal. Prostitution is legal. You've been sent to the least necessary base. Now that base in real life is closed down. Right. So we're telling the story. Our military advisor was at that base. But Ireland matches the Netherlands in terms of landscape. Right. And we have villages where we can shoot. So we shot it in Ireland so we didn't have to deal with the military or anybody in Amsterdam in terms of what we were going to do. But my son developed that project and he's the executive producer. So it's the first time I'm like, my son is my boss. But what is that? Which is bizarre. What is that like your son telling you, let's try it again? it's interesting because we do a lot of improv right it's great writing and and the the uh showrunner is on set um joel church cooper he's the guy did brockmeyer with hank is a brilliant writer and uh and some of the writers are on set and their their pages are great so we do the pages but then we always improvise from that and sometimes he comes in in the morning goes forget the pages i changed my mind or we come in and go hey what if we did so there's a lot of improvisation so my son has a great sense of humor and i and i trust him he developed the material with joel um he'll just come in like anybody else and go dad that sucked um you guys were great dennis you were terrible let's do something else you try something else you guys do what you were doing or he'll come in and go hey dennis that was funny um you guys that was great so it's like i'm just another guy on the set i happen to you know and he's you see my son he's huge he was he was backstage yeah he produced this he produces the concert yeah he was backstage at the camille thing It's funny because I have to, I've been looking up to him since he was like 14, but he's six, seven, my son. So it's like when I, when he goes like, Hey, that wasn't very funny, Dennis. I'm like, okay, Jack, but he's got a great sense of humor. My son is really funny. He puts, when I met him, he put his plate on top of your head. Yeah, he did. It's so funny because having a beautiful Caesar salad. Because my son's name is Jack and he's six, seven. And Cam Neely's son is also named Jack and he's like six, six. So the two of us are like, you know, looking up at them. I think we have a psychological advantage, but neither one of us wants to find out if we would actually win in a fight. Don't get into that. Not getting into that. Listen, I wish we could do this all day because this is not, you know, I always say about the podcast, this is not work. I don't know what this is, but it is not work. And then there are days like today where it's just, I mean, you and I can finish each other's sentences. So I dedicate this episode to the Learys in Worcester, the Reardens in Worcester, O'Brien scattered all around Massachusetts. O'Leary's. Like a disease. O'Leary's. We found out when we were at Commerce Come Home, because one of my sisters was there. Like, I think we chased it down. Somebody chased it down to a Reardon or a Daily. There was a Daily on your- See, I don't know. I've never quite figured out what our connection is. I mean, we're all related somehow. Your mother was a Reardon, right? We all come from that same green rock. Yeah. We all look the same. Yeah. You guys look alike. I know. Look at, my legs start here. But I think it was that there's dailies, Reardon's on your mother's side, right? Yeah. Yeah, so I think there's dailies in the Reardon side, and those dailies came out of Cork, which is where the Learys were, and went into Kerry. and one of them ended up in Killarney. So that's where I think it all connects up. So that daily was involved. But some people think, oh, so you and Dennis used to see each other at Christmas and stuff growing up. It's like, no. We didn't find out. We're cousins the way Sona and I are cousins. Yeah. I'm complete. I know. I'm so Armo. You have no idea. You are not at all. You're not a fiber. Well, listen. Let me just tell you something about purebreds like us. Yeah. Tell me. Okay, we can't go out in the sun. Right. And don't put too much spice in the spaghetti. Don't put any. Don't put any. Don't put any. You know what, let us boil it. Yeah. Okay. We'll take care of it. I'll scare them maybe. And we don't have drinking problems. No, we don't. We do not. You just drink lots of beer. We drink, well listen, beer is not alcohol. Not alcohol, there's no alcohol in beer. There's no alcohol in beer. Said the idiot. Or Guinness. Jesus. What's wrong with these people? All right, well you gotta come back, Yeah. And, uh, and this is like, Hey, what's the language? I'm trying to reach. I didn't say motherfucker one fucking time. You know what? God bless you. And I didn't say cocksucker. Somewhere. Some dead nuns are very proud. Murdered nuns. Yeah. Once they started their car at the wrong time. They're climbing out of the coffins. There's no way she's alive. Not after what I've done. She can't be alive. All right, Dennis, go with God. We'll see you later. That was awesome. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan And if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.