stop being a wife to a boyfriend

Hello everybody. Welcome to another episode of Christ with Coffee on Ice. I am your host, Allie Yoast. It is a joy and honor to be here with you guys. I am so excited about today's episode because today is the first day that we are recording in a different space and this is the space that I got to put together myself. If you guys don't know, if you don't physically watch the podcast, that's okay. Obviously, then none of this really applies. But to those who are physically watching, I had been recording in a studio the last few months, which was such a privilege, honestly, to be able to have that luxury of going to a studio where other people set it all up for me. They're in charge of lights, camera, action, and all I have to do is show up. Seriously, such a blessing for sure. But there's definitely a different freedom that I have with being able to have my own space and there's no time limit and I can get as vulnerable as I feel led to be or want to be. And not that I couldn't do those things in the studio, but it's a little bit of a different pressure. It's so funny. A camera actually doesn't intimidate me. It's like real eyeballs that do. And so it's funny, like sometimes people will be like, how do you do it, Allie? And I'm like, I don't see a camera and like see eyeballs looking back at me. You know what I mean? I just don't. I just see a lens and I don't think like past that, you know, because obviously the lens does bring me to a ton of eyeballs. But I don't see that side. Like I just see the lens. Anyway, if there's real eyeballs in front of me, though, that's different. And so I do get a little stage fright. I think obviously you get used to it over time, like filming so many times with these people and they also all love Jesus. So, you know, it wasn't anything like all that intense, but there is a little bit of pressure and stage fright that comes with having like real people sitting in front of me. So anyway, I do kind of have that freedom where it's just a camera in front of me again, and there's no one else in the room. And so yeah, I'm really excited for this next chapter of the podcast and yeah, I'm really honored to be your host today. Happy Friday, you guys. We have our coffee on ice and never again, because now I get to make my coffee from home and just walk upstairs, never again will you have to see a watered down soupy coffee from me again. It's never gonna happen. How many times was I like, guys, it's I have my coffee on ice, but the ice is pretty much gone because I would come I would bring it to the studio or sometimes I door dash it to the studio, but still it would melt and I would be recording multiple episodes. Yeah, it was just that will never be a thing again. You will always see my coffee on ice again. Okay, unless it's supposed to not be on ice, but never a soupy coffee. Anyway, we have pumpkin oat milk in our iced coffee today. Hallelujah, thank the Lord. And of course, we have our Christ and a little ASMR with it. We have our Christ. I brought my little travel size Bible, my compact Bible today. My traditional sized Bible stays next to my nightstands like next to my bed. But this one literally goes everywhere with me. And it's just the best. So I don't know if that's a thing for you guys where if you're like, sometimes I wish my Bible was a little bit more compact, or I could just throw it in my bag or bring it with me anywhere. This has honestly became I thought I would use this one less, but I use it more. And so this is also from Hosanna revival. If you guys haven't heard of them, they're amazing. They're literally my favorite. So this is their compact Bible, NLT, and they have beautiful Bibles, journals. They don't pay me to say this. I just love them. And I do have a code with them that you guys are more than welcome to use. If you ever want to shop their website, it's just my first and last name, Ali Yost, but they're the best. So love them. And you guys are always asking me where I got my Bibles from. So that's me being honest and saying I love Hosanna. And that's where I get my Bibles. Okay, guys, this episode is going to be really fun. It's going to be really fun. It's going to be convicting. It's probably going to ruffle some feathers. People are not going to agree with it, but that's okay. That's okay. The truth of the matter is that what I'm going to talk about today, our convictions that the Lord has shown me from a way that I was once living to what he's convicted I should be living in now. And I think that one of my favorite things about the heart of God is that he shows us the ways that we used to be living our lives. And then he shows us the ways that he's always intended us for us to live our lives. Let me try that sentence one more time listeners. And then he shows us the way that he's always intended us to live our lives. And when he does that, it's never in a way that's condemning. And it's never in a controlling way. Like he still gives us a choice. He's never going to force his hand on us. So the ways that I've changed my life, I just want to testify and share with the world that these are not ways that I felt forced into living. These were ways that I God had opened my eyes to the ways that I was living my life before and made me realize that as much as I thought that that was productive, or it was the right way, or it was the best way to love myself or to love others. He showed me in such a loving way that that actually wasn't the truth. And then it was actually causing a lot more damage to myself, to my soul, to my heart than it was being productive. And it was in his grace that he was like, honey, I love you so much. And I see what you're trying to do in this. But this is hurtful. And this is actually not what I've created you for. Would you just give me a chance and let me show you how you actually are supposed to pursue this part of your life. And it was in that that I said, yeah, wait, yeah, is there a better way? Because I'm open. I'm open, God. I would love if there's a better way I'd love to do it. Because I think that the other thing about this topic that we're about to get into is that I had had experienced so much hurt and pain. And so obviously all the ways that I had been doing it wasn't actually working. Or like, there were just ways I could have gone about it that would have caused me a lot less pain and suffering and heartache had I not opened my heart to the extent of what I opened my heart to, had I not allowed people to have access or as much access to my heart as I had. And so it was actually in God's kindness. Like, I testify, I testify. It was actually in his kindness and his love that he said, honey, I love you so much. And I see what you're trying to do here. And I see your heart's desire in this I do. And the reason I see it is because it's what I've created you for. Like, the way that you want to love a partner, and the way that you want to be loved by a partner, just know I have so much compassion for that because that's what I've made you for. So like, I get it. I get it. But please just let me show you how you're supposed to do it in a way where you're not going to get nearly as hurt. And it's going to be so much more rewarding. And so that was nothing that was forced on me. That was nothing that people were like, Allie, you are living in sin. You are doing this so wrong. Like, and I know that that's actually a lot of people's stories. Like, I recognize that there are people who have stories where they're like, Well, there were people in the church that were so judgmental and so condemning of the ways that I was living my life. And we've talked about this and I think on the podcast that like, that approach is just, in my opinion, a bit controlling of the church, it's not allowing the Holy Spirit to be the Holy Spirit. And obviously, we are supposed to call each other higher, but in a way that is loving that can only come from the Spirit, in a way that is like overflowing with love, where like, it will bring conviction, which is uncomfortable, but it will never, it should never leave a person feeling so shameful. And so my job today, as a vessel who loves you so much and only ever wants to speak the truth, I won't do it perfectly because like, I'm still a human. If anyone's going to sit here on the couch and do it perfectly, it would be Jesus himself. But I'm, I really, my biggest prayer is to share my testimony of what God has showed me in how to be in romantic relationships, what it means to be a girlfriend, what's supposed to be saved for marriage, what it means to be a wife. Like, I want to share with you guys all that God has shared with me about those things. I want y'all to learn from my mistakes. Okay, so whether you're actively living in a lifestyle like this or not, if you're living in it, like, I love you and I pray that this episode motivates you in the way that it motivated me to make changes in my life. But if this isn't a way that you're living your life, and it could become a temptation someday down the road, like if you're like 14 years old or if you're younger, like, learn from my mistakes before the temptations ever come. That's also a goal of mine. It's like, please just hear me and hear me and learn from my boo-boos so you don't have to make those same boo-boos. And lastly, like, I think another goal of what I want to do in this podcast and what I hope I can shed light on is a light that God has shed for me in marriage too, is how holy and beautiful covenant is in marriage and why these things are saved for marriage. And it's not just like God wagging his finger and being like, don't do this. There's a perspective of yes, protecting our hearts, but also like, this is what's going to make marriage so special and sweet and different than dating. Like, if we're just doing everything that was supposed to be for marriage in dating, there's nothing really left to make marriage special. And that's what I'm going to say for that as of right now. Okay, so, all right, let's rock and roll. Let's get into it. I'm going to start with a little story time of what my life looked like. If you guys don't know much about my story before I found Jesus, I have always been a lover girl. And I think a lot of you guys probably can relate to that. I don't know. Hopefully you can. I've always been a lover girl. I've always been a relationship girl, a girlfriend kind of girl. Like, I always wanted that commitment of being in a long term relationship and eventually marrying that person, living with them, having a family with them like that. Like, my dream has always been to be a mother, which obviously comes with marriage. And so that was my end. Like, I never really was the kind of person that would just like date around to just date around. Now, there were times where like, if one long term relationship of mine had ended, I kind of lost hope, felt discouraged, was a little bit in a rebellious. And so yeah, maybe there were like a couple moments where I was playing around and just dating to date, knowing that that person could never actually be my partner for life. I'd have little phases like that for a couple months, but then I'd get back to my senses and I'd be like, I'm a relationship kind of gal. And so then I'd be boot up for another three years in another long term relationship that I did not handle well, should have never probably been in. And so my life in dating before knowing Jesus and having the Holy Spirit and the conviction that comes with having the Holy Spirit, I was doing things in a very worldly way. I had been in a couple serious long term relationships before knowing Jesus. And so in those relationships, I now see, looking back, there were a lot of things I could have done differently. And there were a lot of things I could have protected myself from had I had the wisdom, honestly, I just didn't have the wisdom of God. I had the wisdom of what other people were telling me I should do. I had the wisdom of the world of how I should go about relationships. And so it really was just, I didn't know, I didn't have the wisdom of God of like, so I really thought I was doing all of this the way you were supposed to do it. Like, what do you mean? Of course, you date this person and you are intimate with them and you have sex with them. And I mean, duh, I mean, it's like, that's love, right? Like, that's what you want to do with the person that you love. And then you move in together. And then you get a dog together. And then you get engaged and then you get married. Like, that's literally, and that's what I did. I was a full blown wife, like playing house, living a life of marriage without being married. And I thought it was, what do you mean? I thought it was right. I thought that was the right thing to do. Like, what do you mean? How are you supposed to know that you are compatible with this person, that you can live with them? How are you supposed to know that you're physically like, you know, like physically compatible with this person, even intimately, like how, what do you mean? Like, of course, you have to do all of those things before marriage. Otherwise, like, it would be awful to be in marriage. And then all of a sudden you realize that you're actually not as compatible as you thought and you can't live together. And you guys can't physically, you know, so that was my mindset. There was another perspective too for me where I was like, I had to prove that I was worthy of being a wife, like that I had the aspects of what it means to be a wife from what, from my understanding. Okay, because now my perspective is very different as to what qualifies you to be a wife or even a husband versus what I thought it was before. What I thought it was before was, yeah, I mean, like I lived with a man, so I was doing his laundry and I was cleaning and I was cooking and I was making our home a home and I was making it peaceful and well and like just like comforting to come home to after he had a long day of work, like, yes, I was proving, see, I can do it. I can be a wife. And what God has showed me is those are not the core rooted things that made me qualified to be a wife. And what God has revealed to me and shown me that those are products to something that is actually deeper, that I wasn't able to see because I didn't have the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. The truth is, is what qualifies me to be a wife and now is my character, is my heart for Jesus, my heart, like the core of my being of who I am. Like it wasn't, and it's not that I won't do those things in marriage, but it's like those are going to be what comes from my heart, my character. Like I think what qualifies me to be a wife is that I am nurturing, I'm loving, I'm compassionate, I'm forgiving, which is all things that I've been able to get from the Holy Spirit. Like the whole like fear of well, I don't know if I could live with this person, what if they're like the worst to live with? What if they're the messiest person ever? Or what if honestly we get on each other's nerves? First off, that's like just going to probably happen because at the end of the day we are all people, we can all be selfish, we can all be irritable, we can all like, but it's actually the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of us that makes us capable of living with one another. And what I mean by that is if you are living with somebody who has humility, compassion, they are not quick to anger, they love you as Jesus loves the church, you know, like if that is somebody that you are dating, which also in Christianity, like we are dating to marry. So it's also like, if you're going to date somebody, it's because you are, can potentially see yourself leaving the rest of your life with them. And the very thing that you should be looking at is their character. And so if you have a fear on whether this person is going to be like someone you can live with, look at their heart. Like, are they a considerate person? Do they put other people before themselves? Like, are they, are they humble? Are they kind? Are they quick to forgive? Are they slow to anger? Or are they easily angered? Like, heart, or like, even if you're looking at yourself, like, your heart posture as a wife should be to love your husband in the ways that he feels the most loved. If that's through cooking for him, you're going to do that. And that's what's going to make you a great wife. Why? Because your heart, you should be an extension of God's love for him, as he should also be for you. Because you have a humble heart and you're like, I want to love him. That's what makes you a wife. It's not the product of the things that you could do. It's what it stems from, which is your heart of humility, which is your heart that is filled with the Holy Spirit, which means the fruit of the Spirit is going to flow from you. And so that's what God showed me, is like, we're focusing too we're focusing too much on like, beep, boop, bop, like the actions of like, and honestly, if you're dating a guy, and that's not what he's looking for in a girl, like, if he's not looking for the heart, if he's not looking for character, then that's not a man that you want to be led by. And also, like, and no jabs at him, but like, truly, that's just like, not a man that I believe is being fully led by God. Because if it is so important to the Lord of what is within a man's heart, like, if God only cares about our hearts, because that's true, like at the end of the day, the only thing that matters to God is heart, heart posture, character, like, that is what he cared about when he, when he exalted David to be king one day, and Saul to no longer be king. Why? Because of character, because David had a pure and humble heart. That's what God cares about. It didn't matter how much the Pharisees did everything right, or knew scripture, or it was their heart. He said, Jesus said, Oh, don't worry, they received their reward, which was recognition from the world because their heart posture, when they'd run around going, Oh, I'm fasting, I'm exhausted, right? They're performing and they're and they're doing, Jesus is like, don't worry, they received their reward, which was recognition from man. Jesus cares about the heart. And so if you are going to be led by a man who is supposed to love you as Jesus loves the church, he's supposed to lead like he's submitted to God, and you one day will be submitted to him. He's got to have the same eyes as God does. And so if that's something that matters to the Lord, his heart, it should matter to him too. And it's that character and that heart posture that will show you that he can lead the relationship well, and he can protect you. And he is trustworthy. So that's, that's one thing that the Lord showed me that kind of like canceled out all of that, like proving that I'm worthy of being a wife and that I can do all the things that a wife can do and whatever the physical stuff. I've heard people say things like you got to test drive the car before you buy it. And I have, I have something to say to that statement because I, here's the thing. If you're in the world and you have no trust in God, then okay, but if you are a Christian and you, you have chosen to trust God with your life, how can you say that, but also feel like you need to test things out? Like, how can you say that you trust God with everything in your life, but then be like, okay, but like, I do have to make sure of this one thing that could be intimacy with your partner, but that could be anything like that actually isn't full trust. And so I think trusting God with your entire relationship is humbling yourself and saying, God, if this person has been brought into my life from you, you're going to show me that in, in their character, in their heart, in our compatibility, in the way that we, you know, get along with one another in the way that we even have conflict together. Like you're going to reveal to me that this is my person, if this is my person and the physical stuff, you have to trust that God thought of that too. If this is truly the person that God has sent you and you are the person also made for them, you have to trust that God thought about that too. What? Why would he set you up like that? Why would he set you up like that? Why would he give you like the partner of your dreams? I'm not saying a perfect partner because you will, you will quickly realize that you are both very imperfect, but like, you think he's going to, he's going to, okay, can I just, so I'm a girlfriend. I haven't said that publicly on the podcast yet. If you follow me on socials, I've like, I've sprinkled him in, I'm in great hands. He's incredible. So that is something that I can advocate for. And I say that because I have learned that, that it's not that he is perfect and I am not perfect, but I'm not going to sit in my pride and my control and my fear and say, but I got to make sure. Like, yeah, he's like, he's everything I've prayed for. But like, I, but that scares me. But what if, what if we're not like, that's not a thing. You have to trust God more than that. You have to trust God that he loves you enough. And that is just as important to God as it is for you guys. Like he created it. I've said this on the podcast before, God created sex. He created that intimacy for you guys for a reason, not to set you up for failure and have you fall madly in love with this person, you get married and then you go, Oh, so that's just not a thing. Like if you are going to put your trust in Jesus, that is not a thing that you have to test drive the car before you drive it. And the thing is, is like, I'm not saying the first time that you guys are intimate together is going to be like, I mean, maybe it will be, but also if there's probably some learning in it and whatever, whatever, that's your person now. Like it's turned into a sex ed episode, but all I'm saying is like, that's not an excuse. And so ladies, listen to me right now. If you are in a relationship with a man and he is not leading you in purity and he's, he's actually like saying things like that, or like that's something he believes in is like, obviously we have to make sure that we're compatible physically as well before marriage. No, no, because it also goes against scripture. It goes against what God has, he has made sex for marriage. And let's get into that. Why? Why is sex just made for marriage? And I'm going to tell you that I wish, I wish, I have shared this on the podcast before, but I wish that I saved myself for marriage. I wish that I could have saved that level of intimacy for my husband and only my husband. And God has healed me so much in that area because I carried a lot of regret and shame, which was not from God. Like God was not the one shaming before that if anything God had already washed me clean and forgiven me of it, like the blood of Jesus had washed me from all of that. So not only do I wish that I could have saved myself for marriage to just keep that super special for my husband, but again, God has like truly delivered me from any shame with that. But also like I really wish I would have spared myself the, the heartache. Anybody who can just have like casual sex, I just don't believe that's actually a thing. Like I believe that that is a person who's in denial because there is nothing more vulnerable and intimate than letting somebody have that much of you. I just think that anybody who can do that has numbed themselves out and has suppressed and neglected themselves. There just is no such thing. There is no such thing as casual sex. There is no such thing as being able to have sex with somebody and not have some kind of like soul tie, emotional tie to that person. And the reason for that is because it was made as a language with somebody to express a deep love, like a deep connection, a deep intimacy, like you are made one in that action. And that's what it was made for. And no matter how much we want to be in denial about it, like we, our denial cannot undo what God has created things for. And that's just the truth. That's what he's created it for, for one person to go deeper in intimacy and love and connection with them. It's beautiful actually. Like it's actually probably one of the most beautiful gifts that God has given us is that kind of intimacy with one person. It's beautiful and it's a gift and it's a gift that we have used selfishly to satisfy ourselves. And I recognize too that there could be a scenario where you could be living with somebody. You've been dating them for many years. You love this person. You're intimate with them. You're living life as you're married with them. But also maybe you just know you're going to marry them. You're like, but I know I'm going to marry this person. You're engaged to them maybe you're already on your way to marriage. Okay. And the truth of the matter is that there is a reason that God says that those things are meant for marriage. And I think that if you are doing all of these things before you're actually married, it is giving work test driving the car before we drive it. And the other truth of all of this is like, I only lived with a man because I believe that that was where we were going. Like I would never have done those things had I not thought that we were going to get married. So obviously, like I understand the perspective of like being like, no, I know I'm going to marry this person. So why wouldn't I do it now? But also why not wait for marriage? Like why not do it the way that God has asked us to do it? And why not just trust that it's because it's better for you, for the two of you in the relationship, it's protecting one another. And also it's leaving something so special for marriage. Like it's the fact that I think about the day that I get to marry my husband whenever that happens, whatever, but like how much fun it's going to be for the two of us to be able to wake up in the morning for the first time ever to each other. And we're married. And we have the same last name. And we get to go downstairs and have breakfast together. We've never been able to have a sleep over before. This is so fun, fun, fun. Like I think about that. And I'm like, it feels like a reward for being faithful, waiting it out, doing it the right way. And I would imagine God is going to bless, bless, bless, bless that marriage. I believe that that's a truth. I believe that's the heart of God. I believe it's in his love that he's like, this is going to be really sweet though. And it's going to make it like 10 times more special, a bajillion times more special if you guys just wait until you guys are truly in covenant and married. And you are one body. I'm telling you it's going to be a million times sweeter because that's what I've created it for. And anything I've created, like anything that was that was created in the way that God wanted it to be is so beautiful. And so maybe we take the lens off of like party pooper. God is just a big old party pooper. And maybe come into agreement with a lens that's like, you know what, but also I believe God is good and he's kind and he really wants it to be special. And so I'm just going to believe that the reason that God tells us not to do these things until marriage is because he also is on our team. He's on our side and he wants his children to be so incredibly in love. I just believe that's God's heart. Now, some other questions that you guys could be having. Oh, there's so much to unpack in this topic. And I know I'm probably not even hitting everything I would love. One of my favorite things that we've been doing lately, y'all, I know that you guys carry a lot of wisdom. I know we have some married women who have a lot more authority to talk on marriage than I do because I'm not married. I'm just sharing a perspective of what God has shown me just in dating. I would love please actually educate me too. But if there are anything if there's anything that's coming to your mind right now, where you can testify and be like, Oh my gosh, God showed me this in marriage, or like God showed me this in dating, or God convicted us of this, like if you have stories like that, please share it in the comment section because I would love to read them. And I know that other people would also love to read those and just like, let's just all learn from each other. And I just I love that about the body. I believe that's what's so important about the body of Christ is that God ministers to all of our hearts in such unique ways. And that's what makes our testimony so powerful and beautiful because not only do we get to learn from God in our own lives, but like we get to hear about how God is like ministering in other people's lives and learn from their lives as well. So please testify in the comments below. Like if you or even if you have questions, comment them. And I pray that a lot of us can even help each other through questions or hesitations in this topic because there's so much more there's so much more in what I could probably even be saying in this episode. And I'd love for y'all to bring your wisdom and perspectives and all of it. So it's open for conversation in the comment section. But another thing that you guys could be, you know, questioning in this is like, okay, Ali, so then how do I pursue a relationship while still staying in category of girlfriend? Because that's another thing God has shown me is like, obviously, there were ways that I was trying to prove myself worthy of being a wife that were just not actually the things I needed to be proving myself in. It was like, I just needed to show up and have good character and have a pure heart and have a good heart. And like that should have been more than enough to the right kind of men. Who honestly, in my opinion, the right kind of men are the men who are truly led by the Spirit of God. Any other experience I've had with men, my perspective was that men sucked boys drool and girls rule. That was my perspective. I literally like hated men because I was dating very worldly men. Another perspective of like letting a man have all of you, which includes a version of you that should be saved for marriage, is that I believe that if you let a man have all of the perks and benefits of being like having a wife, I don't know why he wouldn't take his time with proposing to you. But anyway, one thing that God has shown me my responsibilities are as a girlfriend right now, okay, is obviously to keep God at the center of the relationship, right? So your faith and personal relationship with God should always come first, even before your boyfriend. So praying regularly, both alone and together, if you feel comfortable, I think praying together has been something that I've learned is different with each couple. If that is something that feels a little too spiritually intimate for you, you don't have to do that with your partner. I think also it comes down to like just asking the Lord, if being like, God, what is good for my heart, his heart, is this a little too volny? Is this a little too intimate? Because I've heard mixed things, honestly, in relationships on whether people, that would be something you guys could also talk about in the comment section if anyone has like testimonies of that. But I think that the Lord would convict you on whether that was something that's appropriate for you guys to be doing in dating or whatever stage of dating you're in versus maybe keeping that for marriage. And I mean like really like interceding, like real like prayer. Like I don't think praying at the dinner table before dinner is a bad thing, but I mean like intercession, like prayer, you know, that might be something that you bring to the Lord and say is this too intimate. So anyway, ask God for guidance in your relationship to stay rooted in scripture and your values. I think the biggest thing for me is like still and this has been such a beautiful thing that's actually brought me even closer and deeper with Jesus since being in a relationship is the whole putting God before my partner thing, like putting God before my boyfriend, submitting to God, like I bring everything to Jesus. My intimacy with Jesus does not change. I'm not idolizing my partner or putting him above God. I'm not putting my identity in my relationship or my boyfriend. My identity is still rooted in Christ. And I will say that as you fall in love with somebody and as another man kind of comes in the picture where honestly the only man in my life was Jesus before this man entered my life. So there has been a lot of like testing of my heart and temptation to like and especially as you fall in love with this person, like obviously you care so much about the things that they want or the things that they say. And you care a lot about this relationship, but you can't let it become more important than your relationship with God. And so yeah, my intimacy with Jesus has actually grown deeper since being in this relationship with this wonderful man because I've had to submit to God in an entirely different way and trust him with an entirely different pocket of my life that I haven't had to trust God with yet. You know, and there's so many things that get brought up out of you as you're in a relationship. There are so many things that are revealed that have been in your heart for a long time, whether that's insecurities or triggers or you know past situations and things or even selfishness. Like you know, you've been living in singleness for so long and you've been able to just do whatever you want to do in the sense of like you've never had to consider another person outside of considering God, of course. And so yeah, there's like and there's a lot of like having to go to Jesus in all of those things, you know. Another thing that I believe that we are responsible for as girlfriends in a relationship before marriage is encouraging spiritual growth in your partner. So you can help your boyfriend grow in faith without trying to quote, fix him. So encouraging him to walk closely with God, attend church or Bible studies together, talk about faith openly and with grace. Yeah, I mean, there's a line with this where I like that it's not that you are to fix this person or convince them that they have to do these things. They should already have those desires in their heart. Like they should already have the desire to go to church to, you know, be rooted in community to pursue the Lord with all of his heart, mind and soul. Like those should already be desires of his heart and you should already be seeing that. But obviously, like in the relationship, you are to further encourage that in him as he should in you too, you know. Another responsibility as a girlfriend is to show love through respect. So the Bible calls us to treat others with honor, speak kindly and truthfully, to respect his boundaries and protect your own. Don't tear him down, build him up, which can be backed up in Ephesians 4-29. And I think all of those things are practiced in extending grace to that person as you see that they are not a perfect person, you know. I think that all of those things are practiced in and it's so much easier on the outside. Like dating somebody really does turn into looking in a mirror in a way where it's like that person is going to be able to see things in you that you don't necessarily see in yourself. And that actually is the beautiful part of being in a relationship is having another person there that can encourage you, call you higher. And all of that is done in love. All of that should be done in a way that is still honoring, speaking kindly and truthfully to that person and not tearing them down and building them up. Let's actually read Ephesians 4-29. Let's see what it actually says word for word. Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Another thing that we are responsible for as girlfriends is to be supportive and not controlling. It's natural to want to help or guide, but remember you're not his mother or wife. Support his goals and dreams. Give him room to lead and grow and allow God to shape his heart, not you. Oh, that last one. That last one guys. Can I just testify and say you are not responsible for shaping his heart that is on God, that is on the Holy Spirit. And so I will say there are things that I have been honest with my partner about and there have been things he's been honest with me about certain ways that you know about certain things that make us feel honesty, communication, you get it. Okay. But after that, it is not my responsibility to then shape his heart and like control him and change him. I have to then believe that this man knows the Holy Spirit, loves the Holy Spirit. He talks to God. This man is a man of conviction. Like he wants what the Lord wants. And so so many times I've had to be like, okay, God, I believe that. And so I trust that with the way that I communicated, you're then going to, you, this is, you got the rest of it. It's not our job to change our partner and to change their hearts. It's our job to, what we said before, speak kindly and truthfully, but not to tear that person down to build them up. And then after that, Holy Spirit transforms. And there have been, there have been times that he also has been honest with me, shared things with me, and then I've brought it to God and it was God who shaped my heart after that communication. It wasn't ever his job to shape my heart after that. And so also having trust that like God will do that, you know, another job for us as girlfriends is to maintain emotional and physical purity. So the goal in this is to honor God with all of your body and heart, of course. So to set clear physical boundaries together, protect your emotional space, don't make him your whole identity, and seek accountability if needed, trusted friends or mentors. The physical boundary thing, the physical purity thing, we've talked about that on the podcast, that is going to be challenging, especially as you continue to fall in love with this person and all you want to do is love them in every way you can, which is also physically. So those boundaries are very important and also accountability. You need accountability. You need accountability. So sharing with your closest friends or trusted mentors, like whoever that looks like. And I think that that would also really protect yourself emotionally too, by keeping those things pure. Another thing that I believe to, the purity applies to aside from like emotional and physical is purity of heart, like making sure that your heart is pure in the relationship and that you're never doing things to manipulate or to have your way or to make your partner do what you want them to do. A pure heart of like truly loving them in a way that would make God proud, in a way that would honor the Lord, in a way that always points that person back to Jesus. Purity of heart is also really important, like that you are never operating out of a place of pride, that your heart is never in a posture of yeah, just like selfishness, pride, manipulation, like all the opposite things of the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Those are the fruits of the Spirit. And so anything that's the opposite of that, we got to make sure that our heart is not, our heart is just pure. I feel like there can be so much emphasis on purity, like physical purity, and that's great, that yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But also please make sure that your heart is pure in the relationship. And that is a heart check you're going to have to do with the Holy Spirit, probably every day, because it is very easy for us to be selfish, and it is very easy for us to want things to be our way, and to want our partner to be just like us, or to want our partner to do the things, or do things in a way that we do things, because obviously that's what makes the most sense to us. So they have to be like that too. It is so easy to fall to that, and so it really takes like, centering back with Jesus humbly every day, and letting him examine your heart, and reveal things that maybe need to go. That's an everyday practice. That's an everyday submission to the Spirit of God. And lastly, another thing that is our responsibility in a relationship before marriage is to prepare your heart for God's plan, whatever that is. So obviously not every relationship leads to marriage, and that's okay. Ask God to help you grow in patience and trust. Focus on becoming the kind of woman who honors God in all areas of life. If you are at a stage in your relationship where you are not sure this person is your person, there is definitely an opportunity to grow in patience and trust with God. And so if there's anything, there's anything that you can take from this dating experience, if this person doesn't end up being the person that you spend the rest of your life with, or if you're actively dating somebody and you're not sure yet, I'm telling you that the one thing you can take from it is that you have grown so much more in trust and patience with God. Like, even if this person, like truly, even if this person isn't the person that you end up with, you have grown in your relationship with God. I can promise you that because dating isn't easy. It's not. It does require a lot of trust and submission to the Lord. And it's going to be tempting to try to pick it up and take matters into your own hands and control. You will have a firmer foundation in Jesus in dating. And that is something that you will take from it if it doesn't end in marriage. But hopefully it does. Hopefully it does, because obviously that's the goal. And so yeah, so those are your responsibilities as a girlfriend. And, you know, I would love to then go into the responsibilities of a wife. I feel like we touched on it a little bit, but also like, I would love to talk about that when I am one, one day, whenever that day comes. I don't believe I have the right to talk on that just yet. But all of that in a nutshell is what God has taught me so far in dating. And I will say that because of the way that I have decided, we even, you know, with my man that we've decided to date, it has allowed so much more protection of my heart. And I've seen even in the way that he's led this relationship, he's considered my heart so much in it. And I'm really grateful for doing it the way that I'm doing it now versus the way that I did it before. And because I ended up feeling like I was literally going through a divorce because I was living a life of basically marriage without the marriage. And so like the heartbreak was like a bajillion times more painful because I had let that person have every single piece of my heart. And it's not that I, I'm not really vulnerable in this relationship, but there just are aspects of my heart that this man has not had access to. And he won't unless the Lord allows us to get married one day. And I'm grateful that we're doing it that way because I believe that it's safe and it's the right way. And it's also keeping him safe. Like it's both our hearts too, you know. I think another thing too, y'all is like, if we, and this is just the honest truth, like if we are going to say that we believe in God and that we are Christians and we believe in Jesus and we believe in the Word of God and we believe that the Word of God is true, we have to live by the Word of God. And that's just the truth. And we have to believe that there's a reason for that. And it's out of God's love and protection as a father. And so as I shared all these things, especially when it comes to like sex before marriage, like it's all biblical. And I wish I threw in more of this scripture, like as we were talking about it, but I would just love to share these few verses about how God warns us out of his love. This is him warning us, saying that these things are not meant before marriage. 1 Corinthians 6 18 through 20 says, flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against their own body. Do you know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? So the act of having sex outside of covenant, like outside of marriage is actually the only sin where you are actually sinning against your own body. It says, every other sin a person commits is outside of the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against their own body. 1 Thessalonians 4 3 through 5 says, for this is the will of God, your sanctification, that you abstain from sexual immorality. That each of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God. Hebrews 13 4 says, let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. 1 Corinthians 7 2 says, nevertheless, to avoid sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Galatians 5 19 through 21 lists sexual immorality as a work of the flesh for which those who practice it will not inherit the kingdom of God. And it's just like we can't cherry pick from the Bible. We can't cherry pick and say that we believe that these things are true, but this one feels a little outrageous. Like if we're gonna, if we're gonna believe in the Word of God, and if we're gonna be Christians, if we're gonna believe in Jesus, we're gonna believe that this is the Word of life, and that it is the truth, there is no cherry picking, like we can't just do things one way and decide, but I don't like that. I don't like, but I don't want to do that. That's just the truth. And so if it says it in Scripture, and we, and we believe that this is God's love, this is Him being a Father and loving us well and warning us and literally giving us the way to live life in a way that is the most fruitful, we can't just pick and choose. They're not suggestions. They're actually warnings out of a Father's heart. It says, please don't do these things, because this is what it's actually intended for. So anyway, I wish I added more of that in our part where we were actually talking about it, but if you ever have a question on whether, you know, it's what you're supposed to be doing or not, just see if it can be, if it can actually genuinely be backed up in Scripture. Like if it goes against Scripture, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. And that applies to all parts of our life, amen. Hey, I love you guys. Thank you for letting me be honest with y'all, and thank you for letting me even share my story and my own lessons of what God has walked me through in this area of my life. And yeah, but before we go, y'all, can we do something cool today? Can we show somebody how cool Jesus is? Can we walk more like Jesus, talk more like Him, be more like God? I love y'all. Happy Friday. Enjoy the rest of your week, and I will see you next time. Bye. 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