#739 - ELAINE + SAM TALLENT + MIKE FEENEY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up right Tony, it's Glenn! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some fucking noise for Brian Red Band. Wacka! And have one more time for the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anaccio Belgrande, the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John D. is the leader of the band on the Keys, and believe it or not, live in the flesh, this is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN, Shopify and PrizePix. This episode is unfucking believable. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? How many of you consider yourselves big fans of Kill Tony? Well, you're in for a special treat. Every week I book this Mamma Jamma as good as I possibly can. This is a three panel night. Three fucking panelists. You guys are in for such a special treat as I introduce Alayne, Sam Talent, and Mike Fini. Oh, my God. Sam Talent, Mike Fini, and Alayne! Alayne is here, ladies and gentlemen. She looks awfully familiar, looks like a hall of famer, a guest of the year, reigning, defending, but she's a sweet lady. Comedy Mothership, how we doing? Make some fucking noise if you're feeling good about this show. I can't hear you! Make some fucking noise! Let me just say this real quick. Tony, good to see you. You still look hungry. Redbin, you look like you drowned two weeks ago. I'm staying at a la Quinta Inn just down the street. My friend Tony Garuso got me a hookup on the room. But let me say this about the hotel. There's blood on the sheets, there's come on the floor, and stay with me. No breakfast! Hit me, Mike. Let's get it going. Alayne is here, ladies and gentlemen. Live in the flesh, looking an awful lot like one of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Mike Fini is here, ladies and gentlemen. Sandwiched in between two of the greatest guests ever. A sweet, sweet man, Mike Fini. Excited to be back and on about you guys, but I'm ready for the best fucking night of my life. How about that? There you go. Mike Fini gets it. And another multiple-time freak of nature guest, one of the highest ranked guests in the history of the show. One of the smartest people, one of the greatest stand-up comedians in the world. Sam Talent is here. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was going to talk about staying at the La Quinta and say I was ready for the greatest night of my fucking life, but here we are. So, I'm also happy to be here, and it's truly a pleasure to meet you, Alayne. I've been following you on Facebook since January 6th, and you've been making a lot of great posts. Yeah, yeah. Well, someone's got to say something now that Charlie's gone, you know. Express VPN Shopify and prize picks brings you this episode. Yeah, let's cut to a commercial. Where's Dr. Phil when you need him? This is so exciting to have you guys. You guys all been on the show before you know how it works, but maybe somebody brought their liberal girlfriend tonight to the show, and they might not know exactly what's going on. Over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to possibly get one minute of stand-up comedy on this stage so that they can show off to the millions of viewers at home. They get 60 seconds on the interupted. You know their time is up in here, the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry best Hollywood bear. And then I conduct an interview with them and they get feedback from this amazing esteemed panel of geniuses. And anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? So, here's the deal. Starting tonight's show, we have a Golden Ticket winner from the great country of Canada, ladies and gentlemen. He just won. His last appearance was on the Netflix episode where he won a four-person immediate killer be killed turbo round to do the arena here in Austin, Texas on New Year's Eve. So, it's been a while since we've seen him. This is a brand new minute from Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Danny. I was out in New York City and while I was there, a couple of my buddies wanted to go on like a rap tour to see where all the Brooklyn rappers grew up. So, we went there and while we were walking around, my buddy goes, hey man, wouldn't it be sick if we had a time machine right now? I said, why? And he goes, because then we could go back in time and then be part of the culture when they were alive and walk around the same footsteps as they did. I was like, yeah, I'm alright on that dude to be honest. Just as a white guy from Canada, I'm not going back to a Brooklyn ghetto in the late 80s to get robbed at gunpoint. And then his wife pipes up and she goes, yeah, well you guys are stupid and you would use a time machine for something dumb like that. And I said, well, what would you use it for? She goes, well, I'd probably make a difference in the world. I'd use my education to advance civilization. I said, oh, that's great, but what would you do? And she goes, wow, I'd go back in time to the 1400s and teach people modern medicine back then. I'd have to look at her and go, at what point do you think a man would ever listen to you in the 1400s? Let alone take a medical intervention, you know? They'd be like, oh, you have a cure for my ailment? Well, see if you float. That's exactly what they would do. One word they'd be like, get her boys, the bitch is a witch, you know? Yeah, thank you. One person liked it. Danny Martinello. Welcome back, Danny. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. Thanks, Tony. What's been going on in life? Has your life changed at all since being on Netflix's Killtone? No, not at all. Well, yeah, it's sort of, yeah, but nothing too crazy. Some doors have opened for sure, but... What kind of doors have opened? Well, you know, the front door, the back door, and the side of the shed too. You fucking Canadians. I'll tell you, they can't help themselves. Well, it's great to be Canadian here, because as soon as I walk in, all you guys start talking like me, so it's pretty welcoming. Well, it's kind of contagious. It gets airborne in anybody, if that thing. Wow, Tony. Absolutely beautiful impression. That doesn't sound like me. You cannot hide your disgusting Canadian twang. Yeah, I do like your accent. Say the word toilet for me. Toilet. Hilarious. Sam Talon, what do you think about this, ma'am? It's just fun to hear a Canadian guy be racist, you know? Yeah. Because really, the accent belies, you know, the things you're saying, which is a nice charming trick to use up there. Yeah. But you know, it's like, oh, black people are dangerous. Yeah. Better lock their car doors. There's a lot of them coming to town lately. All right, well, that was a hard no from you guys. Sick when Sam does it, but when I hear you like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, it's because I'm faking it. Yeah. It's an impression. Very funny. Oh, Lord. Very funny. Aline, you ever been to Canada? I have been to, I went to a Toronto Blue Jays game. I used to let Joe Carter, Titty Fuck Me, in the 90s. Wow. Shout out to Joseph, wherever he is. They've got great poutine up there. Poutine? Have you ever had poutine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unbelievable, this fucking Canadian. Your impression was better than Tony's. Well, easy, easy. I want to come back. I want to come back. He's an amazing impression. I mean, she is an amazing impression. Oh, yeah. No one's better than Alaine. We're really doing it, Red Band. Alaine. That sounds familiar. Come on, I've seen the show. I've seen the show. You watch the show? Yeah, every night when I play with my... Who are your favorite guys? Oh, I like that Estonian guy. I like the black guy. I like the Asian guy. There's the wheelchair girl. She's fun. Boy, I don't know, but... Oh, boy. Can you narrow it down? Harlan Williams, fellow Canadian. He's a funny guy. Yes, yes he is. Who was your hero growing up, Daniel? Probably like... I don't know, dude. I really like Steve Irwin. I'm not going to lie when I grow up. All right. I didn't know. My mom let me stay home and the stingray got him and I watched the funeral service. I cried for two days. It was tough. That is some Canadian bullshit if I've ever heard it. My hero was Steve Irwin. Yeah. How come I wasn't Rick Moranis? I don't know. Joey Moss is pretty sick too growing up watching him. Who the fuck is that? Joey Moss was the equipment manager for the Edmonton Oilers. He was... He was waiting Gretzky's like girlfriend at the time and then... Well, like his brother, sorry. And then he became the equipment manager but then he was a staple in the Edmonton scene and he's just a good positive person. Oh, it's so funny how little your culture touches are. That guy's probably on a fucking stamp up there and I'm like, oh, what are you doing? Fucking, Wayne Gretzky? No, I don't know. And then you got Terry Fox and shit, but like all the... The Terry Fox? Terry Fox. Yeah, he ran across. We have no idea who that is. Well, you guys are asking me about Canada. You guys don't even know, but it's whatever. Oh, we don't even know. We don't even know. Is this what you've been waiting for? The whole time Tony's just been lighting me up being like one day I will really get you. Yeah, and this is it. What he says to that is he talking through a trach scar? Yeah. He's smoking a cigarette. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you watch that. You're going to have one of those one day. Whoa. All right. Say something. I have a lot of friends with tracheotomies. You do? Most of my friends, well, most of my friends are dead or have AIDS, but most of them that are alive have tracheotomies because they smoke a lot. I love to smoke. I see you smoke. I'll smoke one up, bitch. All right, we're going to, Alain. Let's get Danny out of here. Danny, good job. Way to get the show started. Danny. Danny. I'll light one up right after this bucket pool gets called. Danny did 60 seconds, but now we're to the bucket. This is where shit gets crazy. We don't know these people very rarely. Have we ever seen them before? Everyone's hoping to have the best possible time of their lives up here. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Wilson, everybody. A one-word name, Wilson. Howdy. How many cans of beer does it take to kill a man? I don't know, but it only took me one to kill that eight-year-old. Speaking of cans, I never really understood the canned food drive. This goes mean like they're homeless, right? How are they going to open it? I doubt they have a canned opener, much less of stove. I guess they could see how many cans of food it takes to kill a man. Got a pretty good idea how many eight-year-old can handle. I lost my dad last year to ALS. There's a lot of little sad pizops. It comes with ALS, like crushing moments, lots of loss. Started with his ability to run, eventually to walk. Now, one day, his ability to eat or even breathe for himself, a lot of sad moments. So I can't tell you how psyched I was when I came in one morning to get him up and he was pitching a tent. I guess I'm the only one who's seen his dad rock hard and felt real joy. Thank you. All right, Wilson. I liked it. 40 seconds of straight can comedy crushing. Unbelievable. Very rarely do people do that well with canned jokes. That was great. Never thought about the homeless thing before. You got a fucking full applause break from Elaine. Oh, I loved it. I love a good homeless guy. You know, I let a homeless guy tootie fuck me in the 90s. For charity. Oh, Sam Talon. Was it in Toronto? Yes. It was Joe Carter. Oh. Oh, hey, when you came out, you have one name. What's the one name thing all about? People like it because that maybe castaway. You know, they like screaming it. Now, who are people? Did you do a survey when you decided to? If we're being honest, all the substitute teachers I've ever had in my life, just gets a Wilson, just scream Wilson, thinking they're comedians. When he came out as Wilson, did anyone else expect him to be a black man? Yes. I did too. Yes. I was hoping. To look like John Lennon, sound like Keanu Reeves, and get a free tootie fuck from me after the show. Wow. Very attractive is what I'm saying. But the voice is something to be desired. Wilson, let's talk about it here. What do you do for work? I'm a landscaper. Wow, a white landscaper. Amazing. The rare bird here in Austin. Yes, sir. How long have you lived here? Born and raised. Wow. Amazing. How long have you been on stand-up? Just under a year. Okay. Are you getting sexier as you go? Yeah. Are you lowering your voice as you're talking? What's in your pocket, a modulator? Yeah, show us your penis. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Elaine. Sorry, that's my new catchphrase. Sure. See me at the Tropicana next Thursday through Friday. Two days. Don't be rude. Show the lady your penis. Yeah. No, Wilson, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it, Wilson. Okay. You're turning me on, man. We're in front of people. How old are you, Wilson? I am 25. 25? And you've been landscaping the whole time? Yes. I had a few jobs before that. I'm a college dropout. I dropped out to take care of my dad. Okay. When did your dad pass away? Last year. And what was he doing with his life up until that point? So he made all of his money as a real estate owner. He had his own business bailing people out of the 2008 tax crisis, the housing crisis. Sorry. Yeah. So that's how he made all of his money, buy the loans from the bank and then cover it. Amazing. ALS, an unbelievably terrible disease. The late great Michael Lair had it, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. One of the funniest people and one of my old best friends. It's terrible to watch people go. Is that Lou Gehrig's? Yes, sir. Did he get it tipped off of Wayne because of that? He what of? Yeah, the best way. Charity. Like my joke was real, his dick did still work for surprisingly long time. They do work. Michael was banging his nerves down to the finish line. It's wild. Yeah. And he started to say, you remember Michael Lair from the show? Yes, yeah. And he started to sound like that. Everybody sounds like that towards the end. How long after his diagnosis did he pass away? Three years. That's normally the thing. It's terrible. Did anything funny happen in your last hello or goodbye or anything? Well, yeah. Other than his rock hard cock. Yeah. Such a throbbing erection on his death bed. So when he passed away, I had just gotten back from going out with my girlfriend. So he had passed before I was able to say bye. And I'd always thought that would say goodbye. So I went in after he'd passed away. And I remember that he was black greener than I had pictured someone to look when they had passed away. Yeah. And I remember I went up to my room, drank a bunch, cried a lot. I remember I had had some mint chip ice cream in the freezer. And that was my favorite. How long is your story? Just a little bit. Elaine, for the love of fucking God. I have to pee. I have to pee. Jesus fucking Christ. So I went down to get the mint chip ice cream to eat it. You know, I thought it'd make me feel better. And I picked it up as empty. And I remembered how green his lips were. And for a little bit, I was more mad about that and not saying goodbye. It was like, you fucking ate my mint chip ice cream? Then fucking died. There it is. I love that. I love that. Will circle, get your square. Tell us something else crazy about you or your life. Do you have any special skills, talents, hobbies, anything? Yeah. Love hunting, love fishing. I'm a beekeeper. Dad loved beekeeping. Wow. Wow. Yes. A lot of... Can you look me in the eyes while you talk? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because I'm pretty close. Yeah, man. I'm good. I would love to shave your head. Ladies, am I wrong? I've never felt more alone. All right, hey. Yeah. Never mind. You're kind of dreamy, Wilson. No, I get that a lot from men, for sure. So I'm just another slut. But you have a girlfriend full-time? I do. What does she do? She works at a genetic research lab. Wow. You were made? Yeah, I was, right? Then I wouldn't have a dead dad. Wow. Fuck it, Christ. What a suck the energy out of the room. Son of a bitch. Son of a... Wait, how many bees do you keep at once? I was just kidding. I don't give a fuck. All right, you give a fuck. We're not going to be keeping you any longer. Wilson, great performance. Here's the big joke book. Here you go, my friend. Wilson, ladies and gentlemen. A fantastic bucket pool representing the bucket tonight, where anything can happen. That's his Kill Tony debut. Oh, my God. Whee, whee. What a sight for my weary eyes. The great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. Her brand new podcast is out. HeidiRegina.com. We have another bucket pool. This looks like another new name. Ladies and gentlemen, makes a noise for Medina, everybody. We're going to meet Medina all together now. Hey, guys. Hey, dude. So you can probably tell by looking at me, my pronouns are USA. I usually walk out to Bruce Springsteen, born in the USA, just in case. They had my passport back there. I identify as biracial, because my dad is black and my mom is African-American. But my body is gentrifying itself. Yeah, you know you have vitiligo because it starts with a couple spots, and then pretty soon you don't recognize the neighborhood anymore. It's just not what it used to be. The best part about having vitiligo though is kids always come up to me and ask me what happened to your hand. And I get to tell them, well, when I was your age, my mom told me to do something, and I didn't listen. And she smacked the black off me. Listen to your parents. I'll leave it there. Thanks, guys. My name's Medina. Medina, I love it. First time on the show. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at? Philly region. I'm from Delaware. Okay. Represent Philly. Absolutely. Hell yeah. All right. Awesome. And again, I missed it. It was going so fast. What are your parents? What's the mash up here? Black and black. Black and black. Okay. Black. All right. So the burka kind of comes out of nowhere there. Yeah. Think Malcolm X. Okay. I always do. Yeah. I love it. What do you do for a living? I am a state representative. Oh my God. I like the official in Delaware. Like where at? Delaware State House. Holy shit. Yeah. How pissed are they going to be that you're on this show? Yeah. This is wild. This is crazy. Yeah. Not at all. And I just had my birthday and I'm getting divorced. Whoa. I love it. Hell yeah. Awesome. So the relationship like your skin was a bit patchy. A little bit patchy. Nice. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. How long were you married to this guy? 12 years. 12 years. Oh my God. Why did it end? Can I ask? Well, I'll just tell you a week after we separated my eyelid started filling in. So like my skin turned brown again. So. That's a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like stress induced. So. Wait. Break that down. So you had, so it was like some sort of reverse Sammy soul. So what are you talking about? Yeah. So it was wider than it started getting down. Yeah. They were both completely white. And then I looked in the mirror the other day and I was like, huh, I guess getting divorced was the right decision. Well, it's his loss. What was your favorite? What is your favorite? If it could be my favorite, your favorite, what? You didn't even finish the question that you're not supposed to be asking. I mean, I do have favorites. The favorite, the type is like, would you prefer to be brown or not brown? What the fuck? Elaine. Are you asking her what her favorite color is? Think of before you ask a question, think about what you're asking. She's, she's from a different time. Okay. Okay. She's doing her, we could say the end word of breakfast. Okay. So. Okay. I'm so sorry. I'm a big fan though. I mean, my favorite white patches are my eyelids. Yes. Because it's better for eyeshadow. Yes. You're telling me. Um, but I miss my brown lip liner that I had like my built in lip liner. I do miss that. That's a good question. They're on you, but I think it's a good question. You are a politician. I was just going to say a true politician. Great question. You don't want to lose your constituents. Yeah. The elderly are a big block. Yeah. She, trust me, this is a mail-in ballot if I've ever seen one right here. We call it Pussy the ballot box. Whoa. Someone just talked their cells out of a titty fuck. Keep up that lit. I keep losing weight. I can do myself. How long have you been, okay. How long have you been a state representative for? I'm going into my sixth year. Oh my God. So tell us about that. Tell us what, uh, some things that you didn't expect about that job. We've never had a state representative on the show before. This is amazing. Oh, amazing. Okay. Um, I would say I wish that we had a light. Like I wish my colleagues only had so much time. Yeah. Because they just go on and on. Yeah. Um, what else about it? Democrats and Republicans all suck. Exactly. I agree with that. Rock and roll. People think I'm a Republican all the time. They just think I'm a staunch Republican, but it's not that way at all. You're just rich. Yeah. It happens. It happens. Common sense centrists that just saw in the last election that there was only one option. Uh, you're considered a Democrat though, correct? Yeah. But I'm like very far left. Right. I could tell by the everything. Um, you have an amazing sense of humor. This is incredible that you would come to this show and do it. So you're taking stand up very seriously. I took the Greyhound bus. Wow. You did? Wow. Was it totally gray or was it kind of blue? It was blue. Tell us about the Greyhound bus. 725 a.m. got on the Greyhound in Fort Worth and stopped in, uh, some random town, Hillsborough or something. Was there a Bucky's there at least? No, there was a Love's. Okay. We love Bucky's around here. I love it too. Love it. Go ahead Elaine. I just want to, uh, the bus, I've taken the bus many a times. I've been, um, felt up many a times. I've been fingered. I've been, uh, last time I took the bus from Austin to San Antonio was fingered by the bus driver while he was driving. Uh, I'll send you a link, but it was, um, but there, uh, there's something to be said about the people on the bus. There's so many different flavors and characters. Did you see anyone that made you go, oh, I'm going to write a joke about them. You know? Um, yeah. But I'm a politician, so I probably should say that. Here I was going to fucking show us. Uh, and don't get her started on the wheels. I mean, the bus driver, I, I loved hearing her takes on the world. She's really loud. Um, and she was talking about how like he talks about freedom of speech, but apparently not for everybody. And like she was going in and I was like, this is, this is the America I love. Right. Like you can, you can have voted for the American people. This is the America I love, right? Like you can, you can have voted for Trump and not agree with everything just like you can be a Democrat and not suck. Exactly. We, we exist in multiplicity. Absolutely. We all do. We're all meeting in the middle. We are indeed the United States of America, the greatest country in the world. I wish I could vote. That fucking gun thing's caught up to me. I'd love to give you one vote. I won in 2020. I won a primary by 43 votes. What? Every vote counts. Wow. We all know what a primary is too. Yeah. What does that mean exactly, Sam? I don't get it. Uh, I was being facetious. Please explain. No, we know, we know what a primary is. Oh, I don't. You don't know. I don't. What the fuck? What, what's going on with you? I've been eating a lot of raspberries. I don't, I don't, I don't vote. I don't like the tyranny of democracy. I believe in freedom. Wow. Great. I would love to live in your country, Sam. You do. It's the best one. What? Okay. Where else can all of us hang out? We got fucking these guys over there, you know. Mike Sleeblitz. We got a blind black guy. That's worth two. I mean, there's a lot of progress being made up here. Is that fair to say, ma'am? Let's get back to the guests here. Yeah. So when you were campaigning, was there any, like, did you have any big moments where, like, you knew you were going to win or like a big, or like some type of like, you know, just a big catchphrase or something that like got you victory, you know, like Biden, for example, lost because he was dead, right? And he couldn't do anything. He couldn't speak in public. So we know why he lost. Trump got shot at. I knew swung it came up with blood fucking pumped his fist. People are like, oh, shit. Like he won. Yeah. So like, did you have any moments like, you know, remember that great Howard Dean who kind of was like a front runner and then he went crazy going, wow, man is. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us about your campaign. You have any tricks to catchphrases anything going up against some. Yeah. I mean, it's really corny now. Yeah, let's do it later. But it was let's make a difference together. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable Delaware. Yeah. Earth shattering. Yeah. Well, they weren't ready. I mean, we won. It was close, but. Does anybody ever think you work in the bed, bath and beyond part of Target? Did you ever use your Vellago? Am I saying that right? Vellago. Vidaligo. Vidaligo. Yeah. Vidaligo. Vidaligo. Vidaligo. Vidaligo. Vidaligo. You ever use that to your advantage while campaigning? Like I bring everyone together. Look, I'm this and I'm that. No. Yeah. Is there a yamaka under that? Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Samuel. Is there? Is there? No. No. Okay. No. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about you, Medina? Any other? Sometimes I have Stevie Wonder braids with beads under here since you were wondering. Stevie Wonder braids. Like just imagine like hotter than July, like the album cover. D-Madness has Stevie Wonder eyes. Might be back a reference. It's much different than the hairstyle. I'm actually in a hooting the blowfish cover band called Stevie Wonder's Eyes. Oh, you just knocked a Red Bull on your pussy. Well, looks like it's time to squirt. Another one of my catchphrases. Thank you, Michael. Not the first time. You can see me the Tropicana next Thursday and Friday. Oh, perfect. I think your pussy has wings now. The Red Bull can landed. The Red Bull can on your pussy, Elaine. Don't you make my pussy mustache fall off. Elaine, I didn't hear it hit the floor though. It swallowed it up. It drank it. It hit me with a stargate suction cups down. Here we go. Wait, wait, wait. All right. Good job, Red Band. You're fired, Red Band. Could have hit any button in the world and you made a noise with your mouth. Here, ready? I'll drop it and then do it. Here we go. One, two, three. Perfect. Red Band. How dare you. My son is watching this. Medina, I love your style. Congratulations. Amazing stuff and a state representative. Boom. Got it. The Kill Tony debut of Medina. Let me tell you, we are on a streak with this bucket of one of my favorite coincidences in the world and that is one word names. Let me remind you, we've had Wilson, Medina, and three in a row. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. All right. There you go. Awesome. Make some noise for Dex, everybody. It's Dex. I look like I ran here. At the gym, they call me the Stairmaster. Why is there an F in KFC? Because when you buy some, hell yeah, you got F in KFC. I should introduce myself. My name's Dex, which is cool because I look like a Doug. I look like Corinthians 420. Sometimes I think porn is addicted to me. I think Ludacris was real skinny until he started singing Get Out the Way. That's a way protein joke. Do you know what is really odd? Half of all integers. And the joke about Ludacris. What was that about? All right, all right, Dex. So minute 15 seconds. One more time for Dex, everybody. Dex, grab that mic. I'm going to interview you now. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome to the show, brother. You have your own style, very defined, very funny. Hell yeah. How long you been doing stand up? Five years, two for real. I love it. Where at? Montana. Okay, that makes sense. And for people with mental illness. Yup. Because I have mental illness. We can tell. What exactly have you been diagnosed with, Dex? Bipolar right after graduating as an engineer. That's got to be tough in the heat. Two can play at this game, Dex. Dex, Dex, Dex. So you graduated from college to be an engineer. How did you know what was happening to where you were? How did you know what was happening to where you went to get a diagnosis of bipolar? Oh, just lost my mind, literally. Tell us about that. Oh, it's like Halloween. And oh, this is fascinating, because I'm from Montana, drove out east. Actually, I was, slow it down. You're doing good, Dex. You're doing good. You're doing good. You don't want to slow it down too much here. You're doing just fine. There was a, seriously, a 400 pound, when I was losing, the church was like, oh, go help that lady. And so I did for two years. You helped a 400 pound lady. She was a hoarder, Marine, Helya, or Hurrah. Uh-huh. She wanted her cousin to move in with her, so we got it ready. And then I flew out to Baltimore and lost my mind. I was three days homeless out there. And then the guy in Helena's like, don't call the cops, because I finally tore up my credit card and then went to the hospital. Oh, yeah. I remembered Carrot Top, even though I didn't use his number. But yeah, I called my dad and he came rescued me. That's crazy. How does Carrot Top fit into this? Because I was using 1-800-CALL-ATT and I was like, Carrot Top. And he's like, no, that's not his number. Ah, you made a collect call. Yeah. The name that you used was Carrot Top. Yeah, that's the fastest I've ever told that story. That's good. No, you're doing good. How many times a week would you say you used fentanyl? Ooh, I was, oh, I shouldn't say this. Yes, you should. You're on the show. This is the time to share the interesting parts of your life. Fuck, I work at this little cabin and there was like one little one. I was like, oh, that's prescription. And then it had an M on it. No, it had a letter on it. And I was like, oh, that's some serious stuff. What the fuck is going on? What's happening? What's going on? What do you say? Am I high? Yeah. Am I in a prank show right now? Red Man. You're doing good. It's like we got high through osmosis when you came out. Yeah. Now, when you tell the stories, do they make sense to you? Is there someone else in there finishing the story? Yeah, there is someone. I heard the voice at some point go, you're going too fast. You're going too fast. Yeah. Slow it down, Dan. Yeah. It's like, yeah, your timing is, I'm joking aside, your timing is very funny. You got a lot of laughs when you said integer, I got real nervous, but you said it. Also excited, hit me, Mike. Yep. So let's talk about it, Dex. Your stand up is the thing that brings you the most joy in the world, right? Yeah. And you travel around and you do that, but you mostly do it in Montana, correct? Yeah, but I road tripped here, so I'm at least going to spend a week. We're going to get on the circuit. When you say we, are you talking about the voices in your head? Shit. Or did you come with somebody from Montana? No, just me and my van. I love it. I love it. So you have a van and you're sleeping in the van, I'm guessing. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, awesome. Do you guys think it's not a lot of sleeping in that van? I think it's a lot of... Anything crazy happen on your drive here from Montana? Yeah, last Sunday I signed a woman's boobs as Forrest Gump. Nice. All right, all right, I'll show you. Oh, no, no, Elaine, we can't do it. YouTube has big restrictions here. Thank you for calling them big. Yes. Dex, very interesting. How do you make money? Oh, fuck, I just work for my folks, but yeah. What do your folks do? They're decently off, so I just like mow long. I do as much as I can with mental illness. It's fucking hard. It's hard to be an adult where you're just like, oh, I suck at this. How old are you, Dex? 42. Okay, awesome. But we can do it as long as we have someone holding my hand. Fuck, you're doing a great job. Yeah, wow. I like your style, buddy. Also, Dex, I like your jokes. The jokes were great. They were quick, man. There was a great word economy. You got good jokes. You got a mental illness. You're kind of perfect for the show. I mean, this feels... I've got 400 of them. 400 jokes? You got 400 jokes? Yeah, but I'm perfect for a five minute. I can't even stand more in five minutes. That's amazing. You're doing a great job, Dex. Are you on medicine now? Did they have you on medicine? No, so, yeah, yeah. So I quit all that stuff. When did you quit? After five years. I was in and out of the hospital. But when, when, how long ago did you quit? Ten years ago. Perfect. We've been doing good. We've only had one relapse. I went schizophrenic on a river trip. And those 17 people don't hang out with me. Nothing beats a jet to you on a day. Wow. Wow. That's hysterical, Dex. Wow. Oh, oh, do you want to get me fucked in your van tonight? No. I really like your style. You can bring some whey protein. Dude, you don't blink. It's terrifying. I gotta be honest. And actually, wait, stop blinking. It's worse. Everyone. Tell us about the relapse with the 17 people just out of curiosity, because it seems so interesting. It seems like you have a real grasp on this thing, that you're aware of it when it's happening, that you're used to it. Yeah, I'm like, I got my van. I'm got my shuttle all set up. And then Bro is just like, can I get a ride? And then he has these shrimp scampi that he doesn't even put in a cooler. And then they eat those. That's crazy. But I just lose every night of sleep on that trip. And then I just, I don't go at any, no sleep for six days. You will lose your mind. And the no sleep, hold on. The no sleep is because of the manic episode or because of drugs? No, just no. I'm zero drugs. So it's just. I'm scampi. Yeah. So six days with no sleep. And then what happened? Oh, I see. Yeah. So like, yeah, I could just document it because it's more than drugs. Like it's crazy. Like everything is just like, whoa. So what happened on the relapse that you're talking about? Like what happened? Do you remember what happened to where the people don't want to hang out with you anymore? Oh, yeah. Then they just dropped me off at my parents' house because that's where I have to live with mental illness. And then, oh, I ran that night. I was like, oh, fuck. It's like a forest scene in here. And then I ran out. I just ran naked. I was going to run into the woods. There we go. Now we're talking. This is what I'm looking for. Then there's clarity because, and then I just, I say, fuck you, mom and dad or something like that. And you're naked at the time? No, actually, I said they're Catholics. I was like, no, I literally said, I'm masturbating. And then I thought my dad was going to run after me. So I'm just booked. What? Was that the hope? Yeah. Is that how you get off? So I'm getting up the street and then my neighbors. You guys are interrupting greatness, by the way. Sorry. Let Dex fucking talk you through. Put the fucking microphones down. Dex, keep going. And then my neighbors, and then my neighbor is just like, whoa. And I'm like, push him, push him. Because I think my dad is chasing after me. Be a spotlight, Kino. Keep going, Dex. We have mountains that are about a mile away. But then the police, police department's a half a mile away. So I'm just like, let's run there because they have those CIT officers that help with mental illness. Yes. And then I say, hey, I need a CIT officer. I fucking love you. I really do. You're just cool as fuck, Dex. How much time do you have? You have 400 jokes. Yeah, and we can stay here as long. My plan is to stay here for a month. If it worked out and I got on, so this is wild. Yeah, you're in it right now, Dex. Oh, yeah. I love people like you. Oh, yeah. Thank you guys. Mentally ill people that know they're mentally ill and admit to being mentally ill and aren't all fucking, you know, some people really, really, really, really, really do need medication and this and that, but it seems like you're just kind of aware of your situation. When did that last, what you call a relapse, happen? The river trip? 2017. Right. And since then, nothing, and do you sometimes feel something coming on and make changes? Yeah, I dedicated my life to sleep. Sleep was like a bus that you get on, and then I constantly miss that bus. So... Wow. That's amazing. This is real. I love this. Do you have a catchphrase? Hell, yeah, that's what we were going to say, but we only got a minute. That's right. Yep. Anything else for Dex, guys? You said you document when you're having an episode. How do you document it? Is it like just writing out all work and no play, or do you film it, or what do you do? Oh, fuck. Like at a campfire when people want to listen to a four-hour story? Who listens to it? You call your... 17 people, and I threw them under the bus just for comedy, but they don't get invited to a dinner party. You're not missing out. Dinner parties are overrated. You know what's not? Get in to the fucking event tonight. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. Dex, I think it's great that you're taking personal accountability for your mental health, and I think it's very brave. Very cool. You did an excellent job at the comedy, too, man. Yeah, very cool. Very cool, man. Very cool. Dex, I think you're built for this. Yeah. Of course. Confident, funny. You want to do a spot on The Secret Show on Thursday? Hell, yeah, there you go. If you're not going to do it, I will. You fucking dork. Boom. You get to open up The Secret Show in five minutes. This fucking stiff ass... If you had just B-cup titties, he would have had you on. There's his name. Write it on your little lineup. Next time I bump you like that, maybe you should just do it yourself. Looks like you're in control of things. Dex, you're doing The Secret Show on Thursday night at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You just got booked for a real gig. How many are going to go Thursday just to see Dex? See that? Look at that, Red Dex. Fucking liars. Dex, here's a big joke book, buddy. There you go. Boom. Make some noise for Dex. One more time for Dex. Get some information from Dex so that Red Bank can contact and get a phone number, a license plate or something. Whatever we have to do. Alright. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Busco Jones, everybody. You guys having fun out there? So, for a little while in my 20s, I thought I was gay. It turned out that I was just really, really bad with the women. I am what my daughter's generation would have called a simp. All that means is just being nice to women. Which, if you know anything about your teens and 20s, women don't want that, or they're not interested in that. So I learned how to become an asshole and now I am a father of three with two women. So it worked out. My wife is bi, polar. Not the fun one. It is entertaining a little bit. It's like a psycho thriller though, not like sexy, cool, fun type of thing going on. So I am married. Anybody happily married in here? Bunch of lion motherfuckers. I didn't get married to be happy. Marriage is not a happy, it rhymes with mortgage. It's not a happy word. A happy word is mistress. It's mysterious. It's short, fun. I've been Busco Jones. Thank you all very much. Busco. Alright, so it's Busco, not Busco. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Alright, welcome back guys. What did you think about Busco? You know Busco? That means to search, correct? I search. Yes, sir. I was searching for the punchlines. But no. No. Busco, here's what I think, man. You have a confidence and you're like calm. It's just when the jokes catch up to that, I think you're really going to have something. I mean that, I'm trying to give you... No, no, no. Because you're not nervous. It's like you're like laid back. I think you're engaging. It's just when the jokes get there, man, I think there's going to be something special. Although you are also sweating though. You're dripping. I'm more nervous than you're telling me. Really? I appreciate that. I didn't see until you turned and your face looks glazed. It's so wet. Just so wet. I happen to think you are very confident. You do have Chili's Bouncer energy. Nice. Thank you. Just a compliment. But you came out, you grabbed the mic, you knew where to put it, and you knew where to, you know, you put one foot in front of the other. But Sam's right, the jokes. It's going to take time. How long have you been doing this? Sam, how long? I've been in mice for about 10 years. You go to Chili's a lot of lane? Oh my God, I practically live there. You got a coupon? What do you get when you go there? That's a personal question. Why don't you trim scampi? Hit me, Mike. Thank you. Thank you. Unbelievable. Amazing. Busco, you've been on the show once or twice before? Twice, twice. Okay. Tell us something about you that we didn't learn the other times you were on. You've been on before. I remember all the sets have kind of been just okay. And then whatever. Fair enough. So let's, you've had some time to think about this. The most interesting thing? You sign up every week? No, no. I can't get down here every week. But whenever I get down here, I sign up for sure. I mean, I'm, I'm, it sounds lame. I'm a father of twins. That's, that's, that's it? Just those two? That's pretty cool. That's fun. Um, okay. You have to, if you have to tell us how cool it is. Imagine we don't know why it's cool. No, no. Um, um, I'm a successful real estate agent. Which is, you're, you're, you're, you're, you do the comedy of successful real estate. Exactly. Um, I'm no longer at the pizza place anymore, which is great. Y'all gave them a huge bump. Did you get fired from that? No, quit. I was, I was good. I was I was only there for like two years just for Yeah, kind of fun. Is that your real estate company on the shirt? Yeah. Yes Is that why you came out here to just be a human billboard for 60 seconds? I'm not I mean, this is a capitalist society I'm not against that this wouldn't hurt but But I'm still trying You coincidentally made twins with your sperm. Is there anything else interesting about you that we don't know about your entire life No, man, I can't be dex dude. That dude. You are correct. You can't say You already have a little joke book, right? Yeah, go fill it up with good jokes. Buseko. There he goes Buseko Jones everybody Some interviews go longer some I just fly right through That's one of those short interviews. We are going to go with a very special treat. This is this guy's kill Tony debut He came recommended by Shane Gillis James McCann and Sam talent. He's visiting from Perth, Australia This is the kill Tony debut of Andrew Hey guys, hey, you're good Yeah, I'm not well. Thanks for asking. I don't know if you get a vibe. I'm not Right in the head. Do you feel this? I'm Steve Irwin on math Instead of crocodiles. I'm wrestling the homeless you fuckheads How good's America can we give it a clap? Land of the free home of the gun my only complaint is the tourists why can't I get one from the airport? What the fuck's going on? I'm walking into Call of Duty without a weapon you motherfucker. So I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm getting fuck. I'll tell you. Yeah, I'm every time I'm getting on stage. I'm scaring the fuck out of people I feel it now You're looking at me like you've got it into an Uber and realize the driver doesn't have the app He's just staring back he's locked the windows. He's got a stick out going let's ride Staring at you in the rear view mirror have any of you guys looked at the mirror and seen your reflection It's so bad. You've had to take a day off work. Have you had that? Spend the day fucking I just want to be more comfortable in my body. Are you guys comfortable in your body? Not everyone gets it my ex's mother-in-law she had plastic surgery at 67 67 is that Is that leaving it a bit late? That's like renovating a house three weeks before the demolition. What are you doing? She got a boob job that's like taping two balloons to a skeleton hotly fuck it's halloween It's a house of horrors with two ghosts in front I'm dating her. I'm dating her right now. So chill the fuck out The sex is no good any guys good at sex Exactly no one said fuck all No one teaches you how to be good at sex growing up you learn about sex the same way you learn about ghosts an Older kid takes you into the woods and scares the fuck out of you Thank you very much fuck yeah Andrew wolf welcome to the kill Tony universe Thank you for having me amazing Especially there towards the end I'm sorry early on in your set when you're like I don't know if you could tell but I'm kind of crazy to before you was dax Oh, dude, I mean like you seem like a fucking heart surgeon after that It's incredible no one understands what the fuck I'm saying You're doing good. I feel like I'm in a foreign country trying to order food Get me some bread. Can't I don't know what's going on Love it. How long are you scary as well? This reminds me of my mom this guy Just staring at me quick comedy and go back to accounting your fucking loser Go back to accounting she's like my inner monologue just chatting on I don't know where her personality ends and my mental begins Hey, great. All I know is I can't gas myself in a car anymore because they've lowered the emissions I fucking love it Hi energy I've been bombing in that other Don't worry. Don't you don't have to tell them how the other set went? You don't have to tell them all right by other things ongoing so good Keep doing good. This is the one that matters. Yeah, this matters baby. Let's give it up a girl How long you've been knowing stand up oh 2012 long enough to quit dude, I should have given up. No, you're doing great. I think it's happened for me I do live in the most isolated city in the world so no one's seen me. That's true. Perr knows it might change now girl per specifically used in the movie kill Bill Because it is such an isolated city that that's where the elite of bill supposedly moved to It's like known for being an isolated city. Tell us about Perr. Fuck. It's a scary place guys. Hey Everyone from Perth called the sandgroper's in Australia. I don't know if you know the word grouper, but oh, yeah That's a word for sexual assault Let me sexual assault so that's it all but Jack Della Mella Jack Della Madeline is from there. Okay, he lives nearby. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't respect me. Why? Well, I'm a small feeble man. Hey look at me. I'm a nerd Yeah, but Perth's amazing hey you should come there some yeah, that's on the eastern side of Australia. Yeah, yeah Is the weather there good the weather's hot as shit dude. Look at me. I look 65 years old True might be time for some plastic surgery. Oh dude. I need it as soon as I get some money I just I don't know. I can't even get a good haircut. I look like a middle-aged housewife with a perm Hey, is gold mining still a big thing and that's all we do right two weeks in the hole Two weeks out of the hole on man. Do you do that sometimes? No, dude, I they won't trust me down the hole. Tell them what you did tell them tell them how good you are at business I'm a failed stockbroker. So I used to work in a boiler room. We do 300 calls a day Yeah, convincing retirees to give us their life savings. So And it didn't work out for you. It didn't work out for me or for them But it almost worked out for you I'm like, well, you got to spend money to make money. We're down 90% we're gonna come good from here Cheryl Wow poor Cheryl. Oh fucking Cheryl. No, I'm out of that now. So yeah, why what happened? Oh, let's tell that tell that story you told me that I cried and threw up Yeah, I actually did well at stockbroking. I used to have five houses had some money Turns out bipolar is a hell of a drug. Hey fuck me. You're bipolar to yeah type two they diagnosed you Red band has type two as well No, it's not anymore he changed his life around which you could do at any point Sam talent looks fantastic Yeah, he looks great great red bands trying to do Sam's fat jokes from a year ago. Hey, you're fatter than me No, it looks amazing. He looks a bit like the wizard from the the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz to be honest. Wow Oh, that's true me. Yeah, that's a brand new movie over in Perth, Australia Got that one. I had some early good jokes and now I'm fucking bottling. No, you're doing good. I love how hyper aware you are Yeah My god, sorry, do you joke on a puke? Do you take anything? Before you go on stage or is this all raw natural excitement? Um, yeah, I'm just like frenetic all the time just panicky. Yeah, you're not comfortable my own skin to be honest I'm like OJ Simpson's hand in a glove. Hey nox Not comfortable in your own skin. Tell me about it. Yeah, not comfortable Did you tell the story that Sam wanted you to tell about you gotta tell that I don't remember the story I saw when you tell the story so you lost like fucking what millions of dollars at stock market Yeah, and then you called the suicide hotline in Australia And they sent a guy over to your house and you and what happened? Well, he came there in white gloves on a scooter and I said And he was meant to be medicating me and I said like I've lost all this money I lost 1.4 million dollars and he was like 1.4 million dollars That's so bad If I had 1.4 million dollars, I quit this job and leave immediately And it's like you're not fucking helping it your motherfucker Yeah, that's basically what happened man, that is a great story Sam Do you have any other of his stories that you could tell? Yeah, he's better at the story You had to tell half the story before he's like, oh, yeah I mean dude this guy this guy like he's open for me in Australia and you do not want to fucking follow this guy It's brutal. Yeah killer killer. He gets here Monday and I text E get and I'm like, hey my buddies in town McCann tells him you get on over there. You fucking holy shit. Yeah, yeah You bombed her if it was so bad that you texted me so so sorry mate straight on my way to the airport. Yeah I've like I was in America for 24 hours. I've ruined your good name. You work so hard to build this Now I've ruined it. I've dragged it through the mud and I said fuck. I wish I had my money back. Yeah So then I text E get and I'm like, oh, sorry about my guy He said he bombed and he was like well many people in the room would agree with that. Oh, I thought he was delightful Yeah, I said my set my set was cute. Oh That's a ringing in the adding but we say the C word quite a lot you'd have to beep it out Yeah, every second line because we're you're performing to minus. Do you know? Yeah, and Perth you are there on the ground minus don't really understand, you know, they've seen what? Where are these miners that that you think? Yeah, what what underage people of the minus? I don't know you tell me you said it mining people that go down the hall right? Do you know they're pretty dumb you just got to do sounds and movements. You don't know which one you're talking about Yeah, I don't Okay, now I got it for sure comedy in Perth I love a kill over there you fucks Catchphrase How many other shirts like that you have what's this? How I'll say it in slower in English No, how many other shirts like that job, I like your shirt. I've only got one shirt. I lost everything. I told you Truly only for me. I'm sleeping in this. I'm living in this. I'm gonna fucking get buried in this. Let's be honest unbelievable I love it. It's a great shirt. Thanks, man So how long are you in America for I'll leave tomorrow, but I'm coming back Unfortunately, you guys Wait, when are you coming back as soon as possible? But why are you leaving then? Oh, well? I've got to get the visa sorted so it's in process. Oh People are helping out. All right. She got a mastercard. They take it 99% of place Fuck yeah, thank you so much. I think you're absolutely hilarious congratulations Andrew Wolfe Thank you very much Amazing stuff here. Take a big joke book with you. That'll help with your visa. Yes sell it and Hell yeah, there he is The great Andrew Wolfe between him The legend Paulie shore has arrived the ladies and gentlemen Paulie grab that Mike. Oh Oh My god, the crowd goes why sorry I'm late dude. Sorry. You're good. You're here buddy. Okay. I'm okay Yeah, how's the show been going good? Yeah, fuck yeah, cool. You're the third bipolar guy to come out tonight Well, I'm also bisexual so that's good. Yeah, we all happen it. We love you Paulie. What's going on, buddy? I just I don't know if you guys know this Rob Schneider's the what you said Front runner for he's the front runner for guests of the year That's pretty fucking cool last year was Harlan Williams. Yeah next year is gonna be fucking Adam Ray no the year before that was Adam Ray the first guest of the year was Adam Ray second was Harlan Williams Give it up for red band. What's up, bro? All right? Good save Goldberg friend of mine. I saw you yesterday. Were you at a convention yesterday? I was I was hanging out with our friends down there. It was I was yeah down and down What was what was the convention? Is it a 90s convention or something? Was Mario Lopez there to meet your heroes from the late 80s convention? You know many years ago Tony I Did several films that touched America's hearts you are absolutely correct Elaine sit down sit down So several years later here we are it still resonates so that's why we go there We give back the Jews called a mitzvah we give back, you know what I mean? We give it back so it's nice. Oh, do you have something very heavy in that pocket? No, it's just my iPhone bro. But yeah, that's it. Yeah, when you say the Jews believe in giving back What exactly are you talking about? Careful careful Polly easy Twitter easy talking about like if you slightly attack them They give back a lot more than you did to them like we mostly just give the other Jews right yeah I think so that's what I've noticed. All right. Well. I just want to say hello to everybody Polly we love you We love you Polly good yentif good yentif to everyone Please don't One more time for the legend Polly sure you never know who's gonna stick their head out you are in Austin, Texas The comedy capital of the world. I know a lot of people think it's Riyadh Saudi Arabia right now. I saw they called themselves the new comedy capital of the world on a post I saw today. Can you believe that Riyadh Saudi Arabia? Things they just bought Being the new comedy capital of the world Never we turned it down if you're wondering red band and I turned down a million bucks each Saudi Arabia so and they tripled it Yeah, we said no they tripled the offer we said no again because what's the point of fucking Standing up for America every once in a while if you're gonna sell out at the last second so Yeah, if anybody wants to donate Yeah, this guy just guy gets it. Thank you. I on the other hand accept it, but I miss my flight Mr. I miss my body will keep it in All right back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next bucket pool Frankie Migu You have no idea how much shit is on your MacBook Pro in which you haven't deleted yet Whereas you think your iPhone you can just delete the text and photos hide them But when somebody that you've been with for let's call it 15 years Opens that MacBook Pro and guesses that password You have no fucking idea what you said to your mom 12 years ago You were not jacked that that girlfriend of yours was coming home demeaning or not I Would say the worst shit ever Yeah, we we were engaged After the ninth year called that off had a year and a half off It's the best year and a half of my entire fucking life We got back together because you saw how happy I was because it legitimately was the time of my life and We were together for four more years until she read the 15 years of my text messages and Photos and that was that Alright Frankie Migu ladies and gentlemen with one of the most what has to be one of the most uh, one of the most One of the most How do I what do I say? What would I call this? One of the most silent receptions of the night your first comedian with absolute zero mental illness and you guys wonder How the golden ticket winners get the golden tickets I mean this is what happens when you were raised with two parents am I correct they were in your life the whole time still together Yes, yes, I can tell no trauma whatsoever. No they hate one another no childhood trauma at all This is my first time at stand-up. Oh, it's adorable. Okay, then you're sure it's our original Instagram name was cracker bro kid 55 Wow amazing, so you've been watching the show for a long time day one day one. I love it. Well You should have done a joke Frankie. Yeah, but I love it. You decided to go with the story You took a chance. Holy shore and good gracious. Yeah, you're in it. What you got going on back there. It's amazing What are you saying? You got lost in poly shores eyes, and that's why you bombed. That's a fact whoa Frankie this is the first time we've had oh D madness is back Yeah, D madness So Frankie let's talk about it's your first time doing stand-up. Why did you not practice at an open mic or something like that? I've tried a few open mics around but they've just been general, you know eight to fifteen twenty people crowds And I moved to Austin four or five months ago Did you stand up? No. Oh no I moved for work. Okay. What do you do for a living? Affordable housing finance develop I so I yeah Wow, okay. All right Well, I never said that I was good at comedy. It's okay Frank love these I we love you Frankie. It's okay It's all right. Everybody's got to start somewhere. That's right Yeah, tell us something interesting about your life that we might find funny you have an unbelievably ridiculously powerful hairline You have no childhood trauma your parents are together You there's nothing funny about you so far, but we're trying to find it This is the part where I try to dig deep into your soul and figure out what might be funny about You so help me to understand. What do you think might be something you've watched a lot of the show You've seen almost every episode. You know how this part works Give us some vulnerability or something because your hair is about to eat your eyebrows Your life is so perfect. You need this so not at all that That there's just nothing happening There's between there was two comedians up here between the two of them. They had 15 personalities Yeah, and you have zero Stand there just like they did holding the same mic that they did let help me find out what might be inside of there What do you got anything you I bet you just have a huge cock and everything don't yeah You got two laptops a Costco card or when you come you say good gracious, don't you? Couldn't have said it better myself Elaine you fucking Yourself a titty-grab. That's right. Thank you. So here's some character I Moved to Texas to Austin With a company in which you got to get to the point you got a fire. I moved here. I Would I resigned from the company? And I've been living Airbnb to Airbnb scouring deals for the past I don't know six months. So I don't you work in affordable housing. Oh, oh, no, no, no So I am as of right now. I manage rental houses that I accumulated through boo through college. Uh-huh. Yeah And so yeah, so if you tell them to boo, they're definitely gonna boo by the way Rule number rule number one is don't tell them to boo This is a lot more fucking action than I got earlier You like the booze rather than silence. Well, yeah, yeah, I'm looking at all these people with smug faces and they're like Boo now the problem is they were expecting jokes and that's why It's not smug there. It's confusion and disdain and anger That's that's I asked you what might be funny about you and you start going on and on about how you're Compiling Airbnb's in the city Try a little harder to find out what might be funny about you. It's valid. You ever sat on a whoopee cushion Or an old late or an old ladies face When you were in college at Ole Miss how many sorority girls did you kill? That's a good question. That's a great question. I would love to hear the answer to that. Hotty-totty, huh? Hotty-totty, that's so dangerously accurate. Yeah, no shit. Is it? The murder thing I don't even think there was a murder at LSU or at Ole Miss. Was there I don't know you went to LSU Did you go to Ole Miss or LSU? I went to the University of Alabama Wow Well again, don't don't say boo that can't be your catchphrase. It's not a good idea I have a legit catchphrase. Not a great catchphrase at all. You don't want to keep doing that Just make sure they let them initiate the boo. Yeah, you don't do that first. I have a legit question. So comedy sometimes comes from laughing at yourself, right? So is there something self-deprecating when Tony asks you what's funny about you? You started telling your fucking Wikipedia page. Somebody gives a fuck. So dig deep, think about something that you've done that you go God that was embarrassing But with a little perspective would be funny. Let me fucking finish. To strangers, you know what I'm saying? So what something that you did was embarrassing maybe you could go oh, that's actually probably pretty funny to tell the stranger Understood. I Just hold on there's a I just realized right now that there's a pregnant woman in the front row and I want to say that Frankie you might be worse than Tylenol for an unborn baby Like there's almost no doubt that that baby is gonna be traumatized from this side If you if we listen closely enough, I think you hear it I thought she was just queefing I'll show you a queef Samuel. Oh, yeah, let's do it put it up to there Right, man, you better be ready for that. Here we go There you're very good red band that will be $16 Alright, I'm gonna try one more time I can literally hear the internet right now going why is this guy still on the fucking stage? I can hear it. I'm gonna try one more time with you. Give us something some type of vulnerability What about your life or something about you might be funny? Again you have to be a little bit quicker if you give them a chance they're going to do that they hate you They hate you and I know what it's like look at me. I'm unlikable too, but I fucking I figured out ways Tony give that guy a joke Pass it back he's right behind you there you go. There's a little joke book You have to write you suck dick on the first page though because that is your big break That's what you should do do that. That would be great Thank you get him back attack him the guy that said you suck dick. What do you have to say to him? Come on. Don't think about it. Just go let it rip. Come on get him Hurry up say something motherfucker I'm gonna buy your house because I'm a rich white guy who gets away with everything I Roll through life with perfect teeth and skin that a woman would kill for this is I don't need this shit from you pig This is it get in there Dude Say something you You know, you know Jesus Give me for smoking the guy from New York's weed and if the exit oh now you're hot Who would ever be high on this show I I also just want to point out you do have like female scratch struggle lines on your hands and 25-day outdoor solo trip in Idaho archery elk. Oh my god everything about you But listen to me because there is a fucking silver lining here All right, and I know you're used to a silver spoon, which is different Listen to me if you're serious about this at all at all Take the major note that Sam talent just gave if you're gonna be the heel Motherfucker lean into it be that guy go I will buy your fucking be that be you because it seems like that's who you are You're not silly silly joke guy. You're not decks with one-liners You're not Medina relating to what it's like being that type of person. You're you so if you're a You know a guy with money. That's all about business. Well, that is what you are well Then what what are you that's just what I dressed like the uniball? Okay? I'm getting you out. I gotta get you out of here I love there you go. I can't stand it. I can't stand good luck Salute indeed put the mic and the mic stand Tony would love to have you on it's Tony Hinch clip and French Man That guy's sucked yeah Yeah, he was also the scariest one dude. Yeah, right fucking here date rated He didn't have any punchlines, but his creepy disposition was awful We gave him every fucking chance. What do you want? All right, I Kissed the lane to save his fucking set And I've never been more alive Mike get over here D madness you would hate this What the fuck give me some of that This show is out of control ladies and gentlemen and back I think fuck it we go Alright, this is a fun one ladies and gentlemen this guy just moved to Austin very recently a couple months ago I do believe he's been signing up for a while He used to work at the comedy store. This should be fun Make some noise for a minute from Fang Chao ladies and gentlemen Stop it That's not my language I speak English, okay Let's go In the middle of the pandemic people start to hate Asians in this country a Lot of bitch ass Asians were scared My Chinese mother was one of them She called me up she goes hey Feng Chao don't go outside It's dangerous I'm like mom Don't be a little bitch I'm not afraid of being Asian As a matter of fact, I've never been so proud of being Chinese Because Chinese people make number one virus kill everybody I Should have been everyone laughing If you didn't laugh you might be the problem that this country is failing I'm gonna call China after the show I'll get China on the phone. I'll be like yo assholes Upgrade our virus Thank you The pride of Beijing China Los Angeles California and now Austin, Texas Welcome to the show Fang Chao. Yes, sir. You've been my Chinese friend for a while. When did you start at the comedy store? The real thing Tony's friend for a while yeah No, you're Chinese I asked you a question. When did you start at the comedy store 2015 2015? Amazing and it is true in 2021 there was this big Asian hate thing you remember this yeah, yeah, I do yeah talking about So interesting because there really wasn't Asian hate as you remember But the media kept saying that for some reason the liberal controlled media kept repeating it so many times Over and over again and when they repeat something over and over and over again people react to it and eventually it became a thing that Asian hate was a thing you know But you're here saying that it wasn't a real thing right? Whatever I'm not afraid hate me. Yeah, I well I think that it's fair to say that America's healing when you see a Chinese guy doing Shane Gillis arm, so I like that Okay, thank you. Yeah, thank you. What's Shane Gillis arm? You stand like this behind your back like every typically white guy does on stage now really? Oh, yeah, that's Shane thing Bargatsie does it. This was a shame. Yeah, that is to the hand and then this what is he have everything? Yeah, we're supposed to do with this extra hand. I don't know everything's a shame thing now. He does this yeah You know comedy That's Shane Gillis too right Elaine you're so good at impressions bang chow house, Texas been treating you good Tell us about it very good. I I love the people here. I love the people the food Comedy is here. It's the Mecca. That's why I'm here you've been to my key yet I'm a real comedian. Yes. Yes. Love it. Absolutely. Yeah, I love chopped cheese there. It's really good Got me berries very good. Have you tried the Texas cheese steak burrito by any chance? That's my guy Very good fucking believable yummy No doubt about it what else is going on fang chow you got a girlfriend what's going on? I do I do I do about it I do beautiful lady. I got a beautiful lady smart smarter than me. Okay. I'm not afraid of smarter ladies in my life I'm an idiot. I barely speak the language. I need someone to guide my life Oh lady, okay, very politically correct answers. I'm getting from you I know anything crazy about your life that you want to share with the people out here anything Crazy, oh Bart flu Yeah, okay Yeah, watch out. Yeah Three people died in the front row. I'm not sorry Your immune system is not my fucking problem Anything crazy, uh, I got stabbed during Asian hate. There you go. Let's talk about that. That's kind of crazy Let's talk about that. What exactly happened? You were at a sushi restaurant and I fell down. What happened exactly? Tell us about this Asian hate. I got stabbed by a next-door neighbor. Okay for what? For being Chinese. Okay. Can you tell paint the picture a little bit for us there's super victim? Um, Okay, that's fair. Um So what exactly happened you're welcome for the laughs they just came into your place and just got your notice my next-door neighbor In the middle of the pandemic we used to be cool. We used to be cool and then he used to start hate Chinese He okay, so when you got stabbed. Yeah Hey tell us about that. I came home from like a hike and then I was walking to my door and I Was talking to a lady next door to ask her to come to the store watch me do stand up trying to fuck You're flirting with the yeah, yeah take always hard different color than yours, but always hard Fuck yeah, yeah, let's plenty of cheese. You have to do the five inch punch Just excited Yeah, I want to hear about Woman and then the guy and then the guy's kitchen window is facing that ladies door Mm-hmm, and then I turn around I'd heard him say fucking Chinese and then I'm like, alright No big deal. I've known this guy for a while and then I came back on this side of the building He lives in the back and then I was walking to my door and he came out With a chair and it's something shiny. It was like evening time like I Don't know for sure. It's a knife and he threw the chair at me and didn't hit me because I'm fast, right? Can't get hit by a chair fucking rock star And then I was like what the fuck is this about and he's like, you know what this is about and he was already charging at me white guy Yeah, white guy, really? Yeah, and then he's like, I you know exactly what this is about and he was already in my face and then I gotta take a couple of stabs He's just on my chest Uh-huh. Did you know I'm alive. It's not that scary. Okay, right? You're doing I got it. I got it And it we're here. He were you ever attacked for being Chinese before this and you haven't been attacked since I'm usually the attacker. I understand people like to talk shit in this. I understand fucking beat their ass So do you think that? Do you think that it's a coincidence that that happened then? Or do you think that perhaps the media saying that there's Asian hate? Could create the the saying Asian hate isn't not good for a not good for sure Exactly, yeah, fuck they can cause a lot of the violence in the country for example for sure, right? So when they yeah, they want to fucking brainwash all the people in the country and then they just like oh, yeah You listen to me like no, right because before that it was mostly what the Ninja Turtles Yeah That was based on a true story, you know New York in the 80s was nuts. You were there. Oh, yeah. Yeah What where did you get stabbed on my chest? They're like right here. I got three stabs And then I was like lucky enough I was fighting him and I got him on their control And there were a couple comics living in my building. I was just yelling when they came out But three is good luck in your culture, right? Yeah Six is good. Oh, sorry times two three times two, right? Yeah, I'll do the number joke. What was your move? It was the year of the rabbit, so he had a good luck charm, you know foot yeah So it's the guy in prison like He he did it was because of the pandemic like our county jail is not holding anybody right for that time Yeah, they didn't even prosecute the guy, right? No California ladies and gentlemen Unbelievable what a shit city. Yes indeed. Well, it's a state, but we'll move on from this is Is there something about your your defense mechanism like you said you fought back? Yeah, I want to say you're a bad fighter because I've seen you fight online. You're very good But what was your move? What was your first move? No? I was just trying to wrestle him out of my way like he was already like stabbing me like I can't no kung fu no no like Okay, that's not racist. I've seen him do kung fu on YouTube Yeah Yeah, I was in the movies right? Yeah. Yeah Did you forget it? I was just like trying to get him off me I was stabbing me all I just trying to like and I tricked him like and then he was on the ground I tricked him you tripped him. He was drunk and I kicked his leg and then I tripped them Yeah, they should you tricked them you're like hey look at that site Look at that Asian guy Here try this Coca-Cola more than one Asian Psych it's Pepsi Bang chow you're the fucking man very interesting stuff. I'm glad you moved to Texas welcome welcome Great stuff. I'm out of big joke books right now. We'll get you one later. Thank you guys. The great bang chow ladies and gentlemen All right Very very interesting we're gonna keep it moving along you guys still having fun out there I Some noise for Heidi everybody, you know, she has a brand new podcast love on the line with our with the other great beauty Valerie Vaughn They're interviewing people. It's fun. It's two hot chicks Joe DeRosa was just on David Lucas Rampage Jackson love on the line if you like podcasts with fat tits That's the show to listen to or you could watch red band do VR also if you like All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Patrick Casa Day ladies and gentlemen Patrick By the ship what is up happy to be here Guys I want to talk about a Portland issues going on America. That's pretty controversial right now You know what I'm talking about right? Lesbian sex These girls are doing it all wrong I saw one with a strap on on the other girls on her knees sucking it and the girl that was standing there was like Oh my god, I feel so good. I Couldn't laugh I was a start laughing right and while you're coming is not the best time to laugh guys We should have a time machine Speaking of time machines segue I Why do people say with fire a time machine I go back in time and I kill baby Hitler that doesn't make any sense I mean one. Well, they just say Kidnapped him and raise him right These people are lazy Speaking of Hitler guys he might be in heaven Yeah Yeah, seriously because if you just ask Jesus to forgive your sins Right before you die No, that's what I guys thanks Damn Patrick cast a day ladies and gentlemen Patrick how long you've been on stand up About a year Talking to the microphone Patrick came out here last year to do the show and For about nine weeks and that's what got a good got me in a comedy after your second time on the show Yeah, okay, what happened your first time on the show. What do we find out about you? That's interesting I came out here after my father passed away Okay, oh What else comedy and you're like, yeah, cuz you didn't want to see you do comedy That was good But that's what that was what you gave me Patrick. Are you inebriated right now? Did you drink before this? Did you have a drink? No, I mean I had like a sip of a drink But that's about it. You had a sip of a drink Dreadelins pumped right now. You're adrenaline's pumped right now. Have you been practicing? Have you been knowing? Yeah? Okay, a lot. Why don't you do another joke? Why don't you do another joke? Why don't you take a breath and do another joke? Do something else try something else redemption song anything else Patrick Here he is Patrick Cassidy Guys anybody ever walking on their parents having sex when they were younger? 27 times I Came out here last year was only 14 times And you get my new place I think All right, there you go. Yeah, that's better And that's how it's done. Yeah, they want to like you, you know, yeah Patrick tell us more about you What do you've been doing since the last time on the show? Well, my plan was to go back and sell my dad's mobile home and move back out here to do comedy I went back to Sacramento and I had a big kill Tony party with all my friends they came and About a half an hour after the show aired. I got a call You know the hospital my mom died. Oh my god So I know my comedy kills Was your mom watching perhaps no she was past that stage but she's heard all those jokes before so That's good She went back to Sacramento to sell your dad's mobile home because he had just passed away Yeah, you have a party for a viewing party and literally right after the party you find out your mom Yeah, I literally went from the biggest hide to the lowest low you could possibly what did your mom pass away from exactly Good jitters with heart failure Red bed It feels like every time that I think that's how he's gonna go folks It feels like every time you do this show something terrible happens in your life Yeah, like I want to call everybody makes it all right after this. Yeah. Yeah, we're just stop doing this If I'm killing this good, I mean you are somewhat affable you've got special teams coach and madden energy All right special Cap on it. Do you have any kids or anything? No, no kids. That's good. Yes. Good. Yeah There's no one left to die after this viewing party. You're gonna know what above me no one below me So it's like, why are you here? Do you have a girlfriend or something Patrick? No, I got a ex-wife. Okay You're close with your ex-wife. Yeah, we're best friends. Oh nice. Okay. Well, maybe she'll die when this episode What does she do for a living she does insurance what do you do for a living? I'm looking for a job if anybody's hiring. What are you good at grim reaping? Killing everyone he's ever left It was funny Sam plug your Twitter Actually, I saw Sam last night I was sitting right there. Yeah. Yeah, you were lovely. You were laughing really hard I'm low to make fun of you because what are you good at? Let's try to get you a job. What can you do? What do you have experience? I used to manage a bunch of insurance offices and I had a Owned to my own brokerage, but was it life insurance? Was not that would have been a good right? I mean it would have been convenient. Yeah for sure. I could Know I I'm hoping to get a job in comedy. That's why I came out here. I'm in New York same RV It was in last year I've told you out here So both both mobile homes because I had to sell my mom's home after she died Wow Now when she cost me a bunch of money The funeral cost you a bunch of money. Yeah, well back-to-backs, you know, right wasn't expecting that exactly Kind of went out all on dads and then were they together still or they were they actually live together But they've been divorced for 50 years Divorce for 50 years meanwhile, they passed away right near each other. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, was it a gas leak? Yeah, they had separate mobile homes. Yeah, unless he's the one releasing the gas Were there any were there any pets around you know how Jean Hachman and his wife died and the dog was there too and everybody thought The dog I thought the dog did it. Did you ever hear about that? No, I know pets around that I didn't know Jean Hachman was dead yet your mom Your life's just getting worse and worse Sorry, Jean Hachman's dad for scum Fox Jenny with AIDS and airbud can play football Elaine, how do you know about all this Google Wow? Amazing I didn't know you knew how to Google. Oh, I've got Wi-Fi everywhere. Oh, even in my pussy red man Wow glass Stone cold just came out Stone cold God, I hope so Well did Let's look at it. Let's play some optimism games here Patrick What type of job and comedy are you looking for? Because being a former insurance broker doesn't really Help at all. I'm really looking to just get any entry-level job anywhere in a comedy club Just so I'm not money's not just hemorrhaging out every month, right? How much money do you have left right now? About 15 grand left in the bank 15 grand left in the bank RV plus spots like 1600 bucks a month. So your RV spot is 1600 bucks about three three going out every month Okay Plus it's been god Tim spent about 300 bucks a month here. Yeah. Yeah I do like that you were in a mothership you're wearing like the band shirt to the concert. That's uh This is the first one I bought online like when this yeah very tight very tight. Well, you should see the last yeah way tighter About 40 pounds lighter than it was your last year Mazatop. Congrats man Say heavier The crowd that is taking control of the show ladies Attention up here guys. So Patrick any parting words before you leave? Just I love this place man. Just keep doing it Tony. You keep you keep doing it buddy. Don't stop something's gonna happen for you Cassidy keep trying Patrick take chances You got to keep practicing so that you're less nervous next time. That's the trick. That's what you do it for Maybe don't do any crystal meth. That'd be helpful. Yeah, someone someone close to him is gonna die I just want you to know that I don't think there's anyone left That is no he said he's the only one. What's the fucking point? That was one of his fun asides he had What what he said? He said anyway the only one left. What's the fucking point? We're gonna find out there might there might be an RV for sale in the next couple months This looks like a fun name looks like a new name makes a noise for big Chuck everybody here comes big Chuck Hell yeah, dude. What's going on? I Got a lot of inventions. I've been working on lately My latest invention is a new breakfast cereal The working title is oops all shrooms Like these shrooms for breakfast dude, it's pretty fun Yeah, it's working out. I'm down a couple pounds and I'm up a couple IQ points. So it's working dude Hell yeah, I eat shrooms for breakfast. It makes your day a little weird, you know the other day I Had shrooms for breakfast forgot ended up donating blood I was like, oh no, dude my blood supposed to be going to help sick people but some cancer kid is going for a ride Oh He's gonna meet God a little sooner than he hoped Thank you All right, 55 seconds of eating shrooms in the morning material ladies gentlemen Chuck welcome to the show. You're not as big as I was hoping you would be with the name big Chuck on this show You're more of a medium Thanks, buddy medium Chuck welcome. How old are you? I'm 39 39 you don't look a day under 55. It's incredible Welcome welcome. This is your first time on the show. Yes, sir How long you been one stand up about two year a little under two years. We're at Reno, Nevada Wow You're the it's electrocuted when he answers a question like he's gonna levitate What do you lack in punch lines you make up for in volumes and that's The biggest little comedian we've had on the show all day So what do you do for work big Chuck? I do video and audio production I'm about to get laid off. So I'm open to doing a Mexican drum off for Red Band's job No, great There you go. All right big Chuck you married you have kids. Yeah, I'm married. I have a son He's eight years old and I have a dog too. What's his name? the dog or the son Either one My okay goose. Okay. What's what's the dog's name? You scream everything and there's such an edge of comatetic silence after I imagine it's going out later You're like well go on to another bar fuck Love you keep going. What's the son's name? I love the great beard. It looks like you went down on a lane before the show Play a card right? Must be why your breath smells like Red Bull right now too soon Alright Okay, here's a little joke book. Thank you. Congratulations. Great job big Chuck everybody big Chuck It's a very very Interesting backside of the show the B side of this show is very interesting Well, this name looks promising make some noise for Matthew coffin everybody I Have got a major issue with people not getting fucking words right anymore these days I Was watching Van Jones do this interview with these four black folks that voted for Trump and one of the gentlemen said I like him because he's an asshole He says what he means and he means what he says and I'm like that's not what a fucking asshole is We had a beautiful movie that came out years ago Called Team America World Police made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker That told us the difference between a dick and a pussy in an asshole Pussy wants to bitch and complain about everything and make everybody miserable Everybody an asshole wants to shit all over everything and ruin everybody's fucking lives and day But then you have the dicks who are willing to stand up and do the right fucking thing no matter what no matter people like it or not And pussies and assholes hate dicks because dicks fuck pussies and assholes and Donald John Trump is the dick We hired to fuck the pussies and assholes and I love love love what he's doing with the Oval Office He's turning that shit into a modern-day fucking Piper's pit, and I love it I'm just waiting for the day when these world leaders mouse off to me says it's interesting Can you look over there for me and while they're bent over looking the other way? He turns over and picks up a fire extinguisher and shows up the guys All right there Matthew coffin a very interesting rally speech you just gave Let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up July July, okay good answer Where you from I was kind of get to Delaware sir Delaware do you know your state representative? Sadly you do You probably don't know we always say yo, he's from Pennsylvania. He's not from fucking Delaware Was that what are you talking Biden? Yeah, we're talking about you know a lady named Medina Medina no, no probably on a list you have All right, look at that you see that red band look at that little doggy up there. Yeah That's adorable. That's what makes you likeable. That's how you get the victims closer to you I Just I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid and I just picked up doorman work over here Dormance at Shakespeare's okay. How long you been doing that? Just a few weeks now. Nice. What's the dog's name? Look at that little cute. This is Lucius Fox. Oh my goodness Adorable no, no, how long have you had her for he? What back there don't do that again Yeah How dare you miss gender my dog? I'm gonna touch his penis And then expose it to the whole crowd cameras It's always a smart move to bring a cute distraction on stage. Yeah, that's good and then never address it. Yeah, that's fun He just goes wherever I go. I love that's my bed. See it's been quite a journey He works with you at Shakespeare's. Yeah, he works the front door when we entered. I love it. They're wonderful people over there Yes, they are. They really are a spot. We love Shakespeare's Okay, so tell us about your life Matthew. Tell us some crazy shit about yourself Well, that's what I was wondering where you wanted to start and I was like, well, I guess the beginning is the best bet I cracked my head open and ripped my lip off my face before I had heart surgery at two years old Wow Okay, I was ready to prove it Sorry, sir What's crazy ma'am Don't miss gender Elaine What was the heart surgery for what was the condition? It was a birth defect And it was funny because my dad was on the my biological dad was on the phone with my mom while she was pregnant with me And he said oh nobody in my family has any heart problems and he hung up the phone But basically it was a blockage between the first and second chamber that made it so enough blood couldn't transfer through to the next chamber It was making my heart swell to where it could have exploded But there was also a hole in my heart the size of a quarter in the fourth chamber and allowed enough blood to drain out of it So it didn't explode wait did a doctor say that if you don't get this done with your son is going to explode It's pretty bad. There was actually another girl a little Indian Mother and her child were in there and had the same condition as me and she didn't make it My mom had to console the lady wow But it was kind of kind of spike in the football, huh? And I don't actually I don't actually have this memory But my mom told me very explicitly like it's been a pretty emotional couple months, but she had to explain to me She was like yeah, you've always liked wrestling She was like you had this fucking IV thing in your neck in the lobby And I said look honey Hawk Hogan's on TV and she said I turned my head so fast the IV popped out of my neck and bloods Just squirting out on the floor and people are cleaning it up, and I'm just like Hawk Hogan So you know a lot of people have a different idea of a fun story than I do Everyone who comes up here is like oh here's a fun anecdote. I tell at dinner parties. There was blood everywhere Tell us about your adult life anything crazy happened then well if you want to move a little further He wants to get to my virginity when the girl ran away from Colorado on a greyhound to come see me in Delaware And her dad got there before she did yes Okay, what did dad do Oh he got out he was like he saw me working at the shave I stand getting ready to make some milkshakes and shit, and he was like oh I see you you're a nice looking young gentleman I can see why she came out here for you like he was actually pretty cool. They're a Buddhist They're actually very like peace praying humble bumble like Buddha Buddha. So Jen that fucking the girl. Yeah that night Dad and and and I earned my red mustache and red wings on the first okay. See what I mean What the fuck this is what I'm talking about yeah my goodness I Have a question why is your tongue bright blue? Can you can you stick your tongue out and expose why the fuck your tongue is bright blue true? Has no one seen well well rogan and you guys had to make a mecca for maniacs and then Alex Jones got us all hooked on Methylene blue and now here we all are sure that's not fruit stripe gum That's wait don't maybe this is a varucosault thing You're turning violet violet That's my favorite scene of that movie. Yeah, well didn't she also almost explode Wow You don't happen to love blueberries do you? It's okay, well what at the top I thought Tony said I didn't hear I'm sorry. No, I didn't get a chance to um So now So let's talk about now. What are your goals now? Well, we're working in Shakespeare's. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's a hard hat Yeah, but those of you that don't know I've had 48 jobs since I was a kid There's a shell inside of his baseball hat that is hard because of the trauma to your head Yeah, I um I was actually wearing this I worked at the last job I had in Delaware like job 45 or whatever was a union job And I was up on the mezzanine so a floor between the floor and I was up Neil the steer gurgle girders The the conveyor belt jammed I got up on the conveyor belt Unjammed it released it now. I'm on a moving conveyor belt. It ran the back of my head into a steel girder I'm not me cross-eyed. I started throwing up and stuff like it was pretty wild and the methylene blue actually not not like Hey, but actually kind of help with the post-concustiton absolutely Sam talent. Do you have any stories that don't involve a traumatic wound? Like you ever had a nice I used to I've had my my time my little bit of time and hanging out and getting to know some people I was trained by van hammer and Dan McDevitt Corporal punishment and I trained as a professional wrestler starting at the age of 14. Okay. I am and how bad do you get hurt? Huh? Did you fucking cut a toe off and there was blood everywhere? There's there's some scars from that stuff and some head trauma stuff, but mostly probably emotional damage But you know, I was my fault. I burned bridges and screwed things up, but I was a kid Check in with Elaine here. I have a great question I just want to be wasting any one's time you talk fast and you're somewhat articulate for being such a fucking spasoid I'm sorry. No, you're very Though you're likable and I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through We get to just fucking around and make poo poo jokes and you're you've been through some shit doing real jobs So thank you for your service, but also you said 48 jobs. Could you name all 48? Nope? He can't here's a joke book There you go, buddy. There he goes And everybody but could he if somebody can't he can't I know for a night No, like it how about one more time for Lucius Fox ladies and gentlemen Adorable dog. All right. One more bucket pool. We know this guy. He's hilarious. He works here makes the noise for Locke Hoker everybody Locke Hoker Yo, yo, yo, alright So I meditate a lot you guys so here are some thoughts I've had while meditating Do real plants look at fake plants and think why is this snigger not breathing? Yeah, here's another thought it seems like a waste of earth to bury midget six feet deep Like six feet bury that little niggin a mailbox or something Yeah, I've also noticed that job interviewers will ask you what's your biggest weakness Then be surprised when you say big titties Like come on you asked Humongous mommy milkers are my biggest weakness Ars a lot of white people in here Exactly one minute from the great Locke Hoker you Always amazing always impressive so glad we got you out of the bucket Yes, very amazing. Appreciate it. How's it going? Cool, man. Just you know Try not to go crazy. You know what I'm saying? Why what's going on? What's it happening in your world? Bitch is just fucking with me, man. Let's talk about let's Oh, let's talk about the hose. Yeah, bro What are they doing? Uh They behave in badly. Yeah Bunch of misbehaving hosts misbehaving bitches, bro. Miss behaving. I don't get it, man. Tell us about it I just keep running into uh, like non monogamous like polyamorous bitches Okay, I mean, yeah, yes, you mean horse, right? Yes, absolutely Yeah, how do you keep running into them? I'm a whore, man I love it. I love I'll be strong fuck. What's right? Shut your bitches. Oh my god He said real recognize real just an old white pack. Hey my friend Hey time for me to connect with one of the homies Real recognize real This fucking guy It's crazy. I didn't see him until you moved crazy. That's freddy magoos dad Tell us about it. What's up with these polyamorous fucking pot pies out there. Tell us about it. Pot pies is crazy. Yep Warm on the inside crusty on the outside I don't know. I'm just riffing it's no big deal people. I'm describing my love life. I love pot pie Yeah, uh, yeah, it's just a lot of it man. Just He's going on dates. You know, I fall in love after the first fuck. Yeah, and um Go on just me. All right, whatever. No man real respect's real. Yeah Exactly Oh, he's putting up the one fist now everybody the white guy. Oh two fists. Oh the double jerk off I love him a pot pie Well, yeah, Elaine go ahead. What is the uh oldest, uh hoe that you've been with there you go right now, uh, 46 well, I got you're looking to break that record 77 you want to let me put my Ouija board on your chocolate slip and slide? Hey man, I'll try anything once Are you into women with big hands and an unbelievable amount of arm hair? Look at this Oh, I I was told specifically you wouldn't do that tonight Adam you gonna share me you would not pull my left sleeve up that far I mean it is a lot of arm hair. Oh, I eat my vitamin Elaine do you tie a lot of knots? Huh? Your forearms are huge Yeah, what kind of workouts are you doing? Your shoulders are massive. I'm shredded pickleball mind your own fucking business I Power knitting law where can people find you you are truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world Give yourself a little plug. Where's it? What's your? Instagram or website or podcast or anything go ahead. Yeah, instagram is deadpan law On you know on instagram YouTube law koger deadpan law. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, which one is it on youtube? Deadpan law dea dpa and la w they got that part. Yep. I'm gonna be back on the secret show Thursday law boom Back on the secret show. You already have a big joke book. You want another one? What an episode indeed there are so many different levels so many highs and lows and personalities and traumatizing stories and some people with no trauma at all It's been a very compelling episode and then for me there's only one way to end an episode like this and that is with who some people call the Cubano killer the memphis strangler the vanilla gorilla the plastic Puppet the Duke of dietary Lady's the gentleman this is the big red machine william montgomery I met a guy at the airport who told me he used to do comedy and I said oh, were you pretty good? And he said yeah, I almost went viral wait. How do you almost go viral? That's like me saying I almost got aids Pro tip when you get off a plane and walk out of the gate and the people are staring at you waiting to get on Say loudly into your phone. I've never seen so many spiders on a plane in my life a Princeton grad student has been released from Iraq after 900 days in captivity Damn, how long was that thesis? Growing up I was told I should be a doctor because my handwriting was so bad and signing settlement checks to harass nurses I was like a motherfucking nasty doogery house sir dooger has okay. That's my time I could exactly one minute from the man with the most appearances on the show the most interviews on the show The living reigning defending hall of famer who just keeps adding on to his resume William lights out thunderfuck montgomery Absolutely incredible. How are you so nice to be your Tony? I'm having the best time and I'm so excited to see you. It always brings me an incredible amount of joy. You're so sweet Absolutely Stop William tell us about your life. How's it going? Oh my gosh. I was in Tacoma this past weekend It was a whole bunch of fun and Tony it made me realize I have a joke that I've been telling now for a while Unless atheists start having potluck dinners. I think I'll stick with christianity And it got a weird kind of response In the crowd I was like, what do we have a bunch of fucking atheists in the crowd and this one girl Especially was very loud and I got into this very long discussion with her Luckily people were laughing all time, but I was just telling her I mean you don't really know I don't really know it's a leap of faith. You have to take I mean what why are you going for this horrible dark part? Why would you want to maybe go to hell? That seems so incredibly foolish of you and I just kept on so it made me think I maybe need to get into preaching Tony I think I've maybe hey, I think the lord has been tugging at my heart And I think I might have to do that so no doubt about it. It happens You know, it's good for people to find something to believe in and I just want to try to save red band at some point Because that guy's soul is so incredibly lost with his weird little glasses. What do you like to record on that red band? I see you got the little glasses the record shit A bunch of bathrooms probably bathrooms Part of the stall you can see the girl's changing. That's what you told me the other day Why are you acting like an idiot? Yeah, he's looking at fucking naked chicks in the mall changing. He's nasty. Yeah, dude You're gonna get sued. You're gonna get in trouble. Is this true? You've been going to the mall red band He's getting sued. Yeah, he's been going to the fucking mall down the street Strain away from the orange julius at the mall come to mention it I do remember changing in the north some rec and hearing a guy outside going Sam Talent. Hey, yeah. Hey, you look good. Well, you do too. I know what's going on. I've been seeing pictures. You look wonderful Thanks, man, right back at you. Look at these fucking arms. You look solid. I'm trying You look over I went over 1200 fucking miles since jay You guys today what that feels good. So it's been wonderful I'm looking at you two next to each other you two both at some points looked Just like a lot of the stories that we heard here tonight multiple heart attacks possibly right around the corner Hopefully my wife does it to me though. Yeah, that'd be preferable And there you are you've lost between the two of you more weight than I am And It's incredible. Yeah, I lost 60 pounds. Yeah, damn. That's wonderful. Thank you. That's great William tell us more about your life, man. This is incredible. The people want to know Wet hand buddy. That's a real. Yeah, I have a really wet cold hand for anybody who ever wondered about my hands They're really cold and wet all the time. You know that I can actually see a glistening on that It is soaking wet. That is it's like shaking this horrible blister from the row machine. It's this nasty looking There's one of these on red penis. Oh literally Wow, I swear to god look at that thing. Oh, yeah, it looks like a Weird do you see that? Yeah? Yeah, I got I got something similar in between my thighs I'll send you a link Uh, William you look like the ringmaster for a fleece circus anybody ever tell you that? I love that Have you been to the circus though because you seem like you go outside a lot you go to fun stuff But like what do you do when you're on the road and like you have some time to kill for yourself? I will walk around I'll smoke some weed and listen to some music and walk around I do that a lot And there are people like, whoa, it's pennywise Yeah Well, I have this some sweet Australian person sent me a hat with a whole face guard and everything So I'm all face guarded up and that helps with the sudden also helps with uh, nobody does that No, what no one else alive does that? Yeah. It's a good signature look Uh, but yeah, Tony everything's Everything's fine. You do seem a little extra moist tonight your hands are wet. I can see your armpits have a giant Wet cloth is dear god. Perhaps that is not the right shirt to wear when you're suffering from an unbreakable It's been horrible I get to coma my whole shirt after one show my whole shirt is soaked through with sweat because I think I sweat so much every day With on the row machine that now I just sweat the floodgates are open. Well, so I think it's good I think it adds sort of drama to what's going on up. No doubt of what coming off What are some other things that make you sweat in life? William? Oh my gosh watching a good Movie with a loved one Wow, what else William what makes you sweat in life? So close to me What makes William Montgomery sweat the world wants to know I'm getting in my ear. Yep. They want to know what makes The great billy boy mcgumballs sweat Makes me what makes me sweat probably meet it like maybe Probably meeting somebody meeting somebody for the first time Wow Yeah, that'll make me sweat every time I think everyone thought it was gonna be something big including the horn section It was just a normal human response Yeah, you've been like talking to somewhere whatever and you made it and it's like I said would make me dude I mess I'm at triple h and Stephanie McMahon this weekend And I said to uh because of tony was nice enough to send them to the shows and I met triple h and I was like Man my entire life. I've been a fan. It's lovely to meet you and then to Stephanie McMahon. I said my entire life So I blew it too, you know, yeah It's scary meeting people. What the fuck is my entire life me. Yeah, what were you thinking? I don't know, but I've been thinking about it since yeah non-stop. Yeah my entire life It's almost unbelievable. Yeah, it's unfathomably stupid. Yes. I bet lark vorhees at a Hudson news once. Oh the lark huge, bitch That's it not every story is gonna crush tonight William Uh, yeah, it is so good to see it. Does the sweating thing bother the fans or do they take it as like a sign of like You're working hard for them. I don't know good question. I have no idea. That is a good question What else makes you sweat, William? Uh, maybe eating Cheetos in my bed at night. Yeah Oh, I ate a bunch on saturday. Yeah Wow, because i'm trying to stay kind of slim for the romance. You just want to sit on my lap bro come in What come I feel comfortable? I love you. Yeah, you're good. Well, I feel comfortable around you. I love being around you, man Why don't you why don't you do that? Why don't you sit on sam's lap for a second? Elaine had a big announcement that she wanted to make Elaine you want to do I have a big announcement First of all, how great was tonight's program? Was it not one of the best? We're not ending it yet. I know you don't want to do that because people watching might turn it off right now Before you make that big announcement. I just wanted to give a shout out my big announcement I'll end the show when I just want to say I just want to be very hosty Is anyone ever told you that seems like you do a lot of hosting of your own shows Like I mean I see this like dr. Phil's show very popular on youtube on netflix. It almost seems like you're kind of like that guy I Elaine why don't you make your big announcement my big announcement is I I found my car keys I'm cancer-free and william is having my baby And I'd actually william william got me fragment about six weeks ago It was six weeks ago six weeks ago, and uh, I have a little uh new york up at the big waterfall up at the big waterfall and Are you guys talking about So yep Took her fucking ass up there. It was very nice. I was talking about sweating before something before I met your fucking ass We did your favorite position Yep, which was where I get a bind you in the bathtub. Yep. Oh, yeah Which I suggested just regular up against the fridge, but all of a sudden we're buck naked in the tub So tomato tomato ray remano, but um So it's happening So you're literally you haven't told me about I have a song that I wanted to sing to you That is something that's near and near to my heart. Why don't you why don't you stand up and do it over there? You guys saw what I said I don't want and if you know the words sing along hit me bet slide down mike william give her Give her your mic william. I'm gonna take this one. I'm gonna take this one I got you buddy There you go Ladies and gentlemen the legend hall of famer elaine everybody I've traveled the world I've seen everything Come on, but tonight Will be the greatest night of my life. It has to be Well, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes and jews and blacks And that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight I But that's what you get When you sign up for kill Tony You try your best You hope that on your side is luck And if you're struggling go back home and call me for a teeny bug Call me for a teeny bug Everybody call me for a teeny bug Just a win Just a Just a white man Can call me for a teeny bug You have my number call me I'm in the bathtub Call me for a teeny bug And I'm so happy you're pregnant. I'm so happy you're pregnant. I'm gonna give birth to a little clown Wow elaine ladies and gentlemen How about one more time for the great william montgomery this show brought you by express vpn Shopify and bryas fix sam talent is going to royal oak michigan vermont and denver comedy works over Thanksgiving weekend sam Yeah, thank you sam talent dot com. It's an honor talent.com My entire life comedy.com. He's the co-host Wanted host of co-host wanted it's all over youtube. He's going to fort worth texas Maine get tickets at mike fene comedy.com elaine What can I say plug yourself tell him all about what you're working on guys? I am my grandson adam ray is doing the final dr. Phil live in los angeles on december 16 And then he just launched a huge seater tour for next january through april vegas, york, boston, devra, burlitz, yaddle adam ray County.com. I love you guys support her grandson adam ray comedy dot com Literally one of the biggest stars to ever come out of this show dr. Phil elaine Jeremy tony hinchcliffe adam ray full of surprises Your grandson is amazing. We love him Literally like the greatest thing to ever happen to the show. You're unbelievable one more time for elaine everybody Um the drawing from ray j ebel Let's see what chris rogers drew over there. Whoa timmy no breaks look out red band check out the sunset strip atx.com Love you guys tickets a few tickets are still available for the arena new year's eve here So for those of you complaining that you can never get tickets to kill tony. This is your only chance I'm also doing stand-up in an arena in salt lake city What can go wrong in utah in an arena november 1st? uh Yikes So much fun. We love you guys god bless this audience and god bless the united states of america. Thank you Good night everybody Before So The sunset strip comedy club in austin texas is now open Check out red band secret show every thursday Go to sunset strip atx.com for tickets You You