#756 - JIM NORTON + IAN FIDANCE

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHenchCliff.com for everything the golden pony, Tony HenchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for DeathSquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rhett May coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, here for Tony Hicksman! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Big one to the Ryan Drey family. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? You guys get to hear them play a little bit before the show starts. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you this week by Shopify. How do you guys feel tonight? Are we excited to be here? Very diverse crowd. This looks good in here. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHenchcliff.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHenchcliff.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Every single week, I book two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is the return of two of our favorite guests of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the best stand-ups working today. Jim Norton and Ian Fidance, everybody. Oh, yeah. Ian Fidans The great Jim Norton Fuck yeah Woo-wee Oh, absolutely perfect Jim Norton's special Unconceivable is on YouTube His podcast, Can't Save You is available everywhere Jim, welcome back Thanks, Tony Thanks for a nice applause from the audience That was very encouraging Yeah Yeah They love you They love you Ian Fidance is back, everybody. Got a new travel show called Ian Do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy and IanFidance.com for touring. Jim Norton Comedy to watch his special Unconceivable on YouTube. And if you haven't watched it, I highly recommend watching it right after this. Thank you. After this episode. You guys have both done the show multiple, multiple times before. Very exciting stuff. You guys know how it works. About 300 insane people. Sometimes it's a calm person that's just ready to absolutely make the most of the opportunity that they're given. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them if they go over their time. And then I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. Absolutely anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, we're going to start it with a bang. Normally, this is how you end an episode, but tonight, this is how you start an episode. With the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances all time on this show. The most interviews. Tonight, we get started with a man that some people call the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The San Antonio Service Assistant. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Did y'all see the email where Jeffrey Epstein's assistant asked him if they should invite Brian Reichel to the next big island party? Epstein replied, hell no, Redman might frighten the kids. An Orlando man was arrested for indecent exposure after neighbors saw him having sex with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his arrest, the man said, my balls are gone. I got banned from Antiques Roadshow for issuing death threats after they refused to appraise my vintage bong collection. The Ice Catcher is carved in pink ivory, you pompous prick. I read where Apex Twin now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift. My only question is, which twin is it? Okay, that's my time. Tony! Tony! William Montgomery getting us started. I did not see Red Band's name on the Epstein list. That's all news to me. Yes, he was on there. You've got to really dig through it. A lot of people might have looked up Brian Red Band. No, look up Brian Reichel. Stuff starts popping up when you actually put his actual name in, Brian Reichel. Wow. Yes, look at that. Now, you guys have seen William before. Sure. This is him starting the episode. It's a real jolt of the system. And did you all know, I don't know if you all, people probably saw pictures, but they had that weird kind of trap door into the ocean. That was actually Brian Reichel's idea, according, because they would get rid of all the little girls after they killed them and then put them in the ocean through that trap door. And that was Brian Reichel's idea. I think that was an interesting idea, Brian. Wow. Well, it's easy to make fun of Jeff Epstein, but there really are two sides to every story. That is so true. It is so true. Now, you are still obsessed with Aphex Twin, William Montgomery. Yes, still been listening to a bunch of Aphex Twin, playing my Vampire Survivors game on the Nintendo Switch 2. I've been playing that. I've been doing the row machine. And please come see me on the road. I'm now dealing with something from the company called Comps, where it's just I see a bunch of people out there, and I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, this will be great. Then it's 5,000 of them are comps and free. So please come see me on the road. Right. It turns into this big nightmare. I never had to deal with that before, Tony. You've probably been dealing with it. You just found out about it. Yeah, maybe it's just like it was happening. You should tap into Red Band and get access to Epstein's email list. I know. I need to. More tickets. I need to. What would y'all do, Red Band? Would y'all put weights on the little girls when y'all put them in the ocean? Because that's what I, that's the part I didn't understand. I think you put a body through the fucking floor of the house or whatever. It goes in the ocean. Would you put weights on the bodies or how'd you do it? I don't know. I have people doing that kind of stuff for me. Oh, okay. He doesn't do that. The people in the Illuminati, they just watch the show. Yeah, he would pull his back out or something. Lifting up those little bodies. I know. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. If you soak the diapers, it does weigh them down. Ah, look at that. Indeed. Pull-ups can turn into pull-downs real quick. That is amazing. Jim Norton knows his stuff. I should have known. If there's anybody that specializes in drowning babies, it would be you. Oh, everybody's there. Jeff Epstein, Jeff Epstein. He's not a bad guy. Guy knows how to party. I love it. William, you also mentioned your bong collection during this set. I love the words bong collection written down here. What kind of bongs do you have? How many bongs do you have? I have my favorite is a purple abalone bong. It has some little diamond-looking things. I think it's Wawarski crystals all in it. I think that's probably my favorite, the one with the Fulvarsky crystals. I also have this really nice tangerine. I think it's a – I don't know what kind of rock it is, but it's a nice tangerine one. I also have one that was a little amethyst that looks like a little mushroom amethyst. That's a really good one. Wow. What do you like to do after you smoke bongs? Shit, Tony. Well, I need to be careful because I have all the plaque in my carotid artery now, which is very scary. That's why I've been doing the row machine, but I've been eating a bunch of vanilla ice cream again. I just eat it with chocolate chips. I get the little chocolate chips in the freezer, the mini ones, and I just put it all over the ice cream, and I just eat that. I used to suck on the ice cream when I'm doing it and really enjoy it. Now I just eat bites of the ice cream with the chocolate things on them. So I've been pigging out big time, Tony. That's why I have to do the row machine. I feel like if I'm rowing 20,000 meters in a day, I'm allowed to eat a bunch of ice cream at night. I don't know what's real. Yeah. He is a wild boy. It's a wild way to start the show because William is kind of like a mythical creature. Almost all of it is untrue, but it's very entertaining. Normally on this show, I implore people, you know, talk about your real life. Talk about the truth. William is one of the extremely rare exceptions. His real life is way too depressing, so. Are you going to take that, William? Red Ben's been holding back the whole time. And then he drops a bomb on it. Yeah, no, he's kind of right. So, no. He's sadly a little right on that. But it's okay. I'm working on it. Well, William, you're super amazing. You're super silly. Everybody loves you. And it's a great way to start the damn show. So nice to be here, Tony. Is there anything you're passionate about this week? Just that motherfucking vanilla. I'm Chief Tony! Love it! William Lights Out Montgomery has struck again. And now we rotate over to the mystical bucket of destiny where absolutely anything can happen. This is where we meet people. This is where the crazy shit happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Zachariah Tourette Tiffin. Here we go. Here we go. What's good, everybody? So my name is Zachariah Tippett. I have this cool thing called Tourette's Syndrome. And tonight, y'all need to know that children are mean. I used to explain Tourette's Syndrome as sort of a superpower. And then one kid stood up and yelled, What makes you think you'd be a superhero? You can't even win a game of hide and seek. Fuck. Fuck. They emoted on me. So after a few Triple H moves later, I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Welcome, fuck you. Thank you, everybody. Fuck yeah, 56, 50 seconds of Zachariah Tourette's Tippett to start our bucket pools tonight. Welcome to the show, Zachariah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Talking to that mic right there. I've been doing stand-up since October 2021. 2021. Have you been on the show before? I have. I think about three or four times. Okay. I somehow don't remember you. You had Tourette's then, too? Yep. Still disabled. Wow. Amazing. Do the words ever change? Yes, they do. the first time I actually ever came on, you were really excited. We talked about the time I yelled the N-word. Oh, I love that. I'm from St. Louis, so. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. I mean, I guess they have to give you the pass, right? Gold card, baby. But you've had to explain black people were around when you did that, when you said the N-word. Does talking about saying the N-word kind of make your Tourette's want to say the N-word right now? What letter comes after M? So wait a minute. So if I tell people I have Tourette's, I can watch a football game at a bar again. I got an R word pass somewhere. Wow. So yeah, so were there black people around when you dropped the N word in St. Louis? Oh, yeah. I got beat up a lot. And then one day our principal showed us a movie, Front of the Class, which is about a teacher with Tourette syndrome. And then everyone went, oh, he's not racist. He's just a little disabled. Amazing. Must be great for dating, though. If you meet a girl, if you want to fuck, go eat. You're getting it right out of the way. You'd be surprised, but moms love this. That is amazing. So give us another example of a time in which your Tourette's has caused a wild situation for you. I yelled a four-letter word, my first time flying at an airport. That rhymes with mom. Wait, what? Bomb. Oh, shit. So it's kind of like, is it kind of like whatever you shouldn't say in that situation? If you think about it, that's what you say? In a nutshell, there's a lot more to explaining, but we don't have the time for that. Right. Wow. So if you're eating a pussy and it really smells and you yell, Roses, she knows her pussy stinks. No, I just go to the ass and say, you're next. Oh, hell yeah. Yo, my man. Fuck, yeah. My man be eating that ass. Hell yeah. Fuck, fuck, lick, lick. He'll go anywhere. I love it. I love it. So, Zachariah, do you have a job? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I actually do content creating full-time, Tut Talk, YouTube, et cetera, and stream. And then I have a part-time weekend job at Chili's. Really? Which location is this Chili's? Oh, my God. There's going to be a line around the fucking block for people to go to Chili's. We'll have to find out next episode. They didn't pay me to advertise this. Okay. Okay. They will retroactively give you money. I swear to God that Chili's will be out of control. It's here in Austin? San Antonio. Okay. Everyone is going to go to every Chili's in San Antonio until we figure what the fuck is going on. I absolutely love this. So obviously you have this when you're serving customers. So, for example, let's say there's Asian customers. Is there any chance that the Asian C word comes to the front of your brain? I actually could, so I'm the reason why you have to wait 20 minutes to, like, flip your food off. Oh, amazing. You're not working in front of house. No. Oh, damn. I think that's what everybody wanted. That's what everybody pictured. What if we pay you extra? No offense, but I don't want you making my food either. Yeah. But now you can go to that bar now. Oh, my God. It's amazing. How long have you been cooking at Chili's? I've been there probably about a year. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So do you get a little, it's physical too, right? You get a little twitchy. You do. Yep, doing the worm. So sometimes you literally probably do like mess up cooking and you have to restart and stuff? Yes. Okay. what are your hobbies what do you do for fun when you're not cooking or doing stand-up comedy uh mostly i oh yeah hell yeah brother my man yep that makes that makes five of us we all like the fuck and secondly uh i mostly just make content at home like i'm usually on tit talk a lot about answering questions you really do put the tick in tiktok yeah yeah exactly Amazing. Respectively. This is incredible. Word. Yeah. Do you have words that cover up other words? Like, I've heard of guys with Tourette's, like, when they want to yell, so they're like, Nichols! Nichols! And there's other replacement words that you train yourself? So that is sort of a manipulation you can do. Mine wasn't a verbal. Mine was a... So that's why you kind of see half of my face doing that instead of full. Driving like that's a game. Yeah. You always look like you're flirting. Yeah, winking and saying fuck can be taken. You're in a rest area. These are incredible. So I wear the shirts. That's smart. That is very smart. Let people know. Let those people. Humans. Yes. Of all colors and sizes. Everyone. When you were a baby, did you do baby words like apple juice or something like that? No, mine didn't develop until around eight years old. Was there something that happened to you around that time in which this happens? On your uncle's lap, perhaps, or something like that? No, tits just normally develop between five to ten years old. Got it. Got it. Very, very interesting. And have you, is there like meetup groups? Is there a place where a bunch of people with Tourette's get together? Because I want to go. Tourette's con. I want to go real bad. Tourette's con. Blending. Really? Yep. Imagine a hundred people doing this. Oh, my God. And have you been to that before? I have not. It's mostly in the UK, but they just started doing it over here in Texas and Dallas. And I think last year was the first. Hundreds of you together ticking, sounding like little minions together. We congregate. Are there guys even in your group who you're like, wow, this guy's a fucking asshole? Mostly the UK people have more of the verbal, like, sentences, like, I'm going to punch you in the pussy. Like, something random. I just have the one verbal tit, so mine's, like, mid-tier disabled. You're, like, lucky. Yeah. In a sense, they have the cooler Tourette's to me, but I'll settle. I love that. and so um so they have meetup groups and there's one in dallas and why did you not go to that it seems like you know as a tick talking ticker that you should that you would be there um it's more it's not free to go to so it is kind of like expensive so that was the only reason why i couldn't go yeah you have to have you money to be able to to be able to do it how much i'm just curious how much does it cost to go to Tourette's uh con um it's it's a few hundred to go there um and plus that's not including like travel and stay the Tourette's con job bullshit dude that is just comic con for disabled people so do they have a non-Tourette person make the reservation that's above my disabled level to know so I imagine the hotel wouldn't really you know no unless you're entertainment or Billie Eilish so are there like uh are there like to do you guys like fuck with each other because it's it's i imagine like finding someone is hard so if you link up with like a hot tourette's chick that must just be like oh yeah we both drink red bulls and we're vibrators what's dating like i mean can you take us through it like um it's mostly i guess just like everyone else just a little bit louder so that's what that's basically the best generic answer i can give are you like amy poehler and Deuce Bigelow. What is she like in that movie? That's been 29 years. So you'll have to catch the people out there. What did you watch it today? Rob Schneider. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a while. What does her character do? When he takes her to a baseball game store, Tourette's helps her heckle the other team. Ah, got it. I can't be the only one that likes Deuce Bigelow. Hey, is she like Stella in Streetcar Named Design? Zachariah, very fun set. An amazing interview. Here's a big joke book coming at you. Boom. There you go. Zachariah Teret Kippett. Teret is in the name. So if you're wondering why eight minutes of the interview had to do with Teret, it's in his name. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Her podcast, Love on the Line, is available at HeidiRegina.com. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Listeners, think back to a first date where you were really interested in someone. You probably asked them important questions like, what are you looking for? What are your deal breakers? So you could get a better idea of whether or not this was the right person for you. Well, the same goes if you're hiring. You definitely want to address key questions first to see if someone could be right for your role. That's why you need ZipRecruiter. When you post your job, ZipRecruiter suggests screening questions to help you hone in on top candidates faster. And today you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. Red Bay. Guess what, Tony? I love ZipRecruiter. It's the best hiring site out there. ZipRecruiter's matching technology immediately finds qualified candidates that check all your boxes. They also recommend screening questions you can easily add to get the highest quality applicants. Want to see who's recently active? ZipRecruiter filters can show you. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. Ask key questions and hire faster with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. And on we go, ladies and gentlemen, to your second bucket poll of the night. Makes the noise for Quentin Jones, everybody. Here comes Quentin. Happy New Year, everybody. Since it's the new year, I decided to make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm going to stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y'all knew this, but women with cats are the biggest hoes out here. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her. Like my ex used to have a cat, and it's weird because I'm trying to be a good guy, but clearly she loves abuse because, like, every time she would feed her cat, her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, God damn. And I'm jealous. I'm like, damn, I want her to cook for me, so I figure if I want some food, I got to keep it even with the cat. I didn't hit her, but what I did do was gaslight her and knock shit over from time to time. And it's not for the best reasons. It's not because I hate cats. It's not because I hate cat women. I'm just allergic. Yeah, and I don't think women respect how hard it is to have sex on Benadryl. That's my time, y'all. Quentin Jones. Quentin Jones. Welcome, Quentin. This is your first time on the show? No, it's my second time. Second time. Second time up here, man. Welcome back. Tell people, why is it hard? I don't know. I've never taken Benadryl. Why? Because you get sleepy. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it's like you on the clock when you take that Benadryl. You know what I'm saying? So literally one time I was with my ex and, you know, I took the Benadryl and it just kicked in like too soon. You fell asleep on top of her. No, and her crotch, even worse. Wow. Yeah. So I woke up and she was gone. It was just her cat looking me in the face. Got it. Amazing. Yeah, man. Jim Norton? I'm so happy when they said your name. I was like, oh, no, Questlove has AIDS. Damn it. I had a feeling I was going to bomb. Not as bad as my Deuce Bigelow line. No, but at least yours wasn't topical. Mine was topical. Quentin, how old are you? 34. 34. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up seven years. Seven years? And how do you make money? How do I make money? I don't at the moment. How are you surviving? So I used to work in tech. Last time we talked about me working in tech, but since I got laid off, so I'm just living off of savings. How much do you have saved exactly? It's a question I love to ask on the show. In fact, I don't ask it enough. This is the only show I think in all of entertainment where that question ever gets asked. And I find it to be the most compelling goddamn question out there because everybody can relate. No wonder he hates. How much do you think I have, Tony? I would guess $7,000. $7,000. Okay. Double it. Okay. I got about $14,000 saved up. $14,000. $14,000. I love it. So give us an example. You're seven years into comedy. There's a lot of ways to save money and be thrifty. Yeah. Let's have a little segment called Getting Thrifty with Clinton Jones. Getting Thrifty with Clinton Jones. Can I get a song for it? How are you extending your money? How do I extend my money? So the funniest way right now is I eat less. Oh, look at that. Do you hear this, Red Band? No, you don't. Yeah. So since being unemployed, I've actually lost 50 pounds. Oh, very nice. That's great. I was wondering what happened after you left the roots. Yeah. I had to do the old-fashioned way. I couldn't afford Olympic. No insurance anymore. But, yeah, I notice whenever I say I, like, lose 50 pounds, people don't clap. And I know why. It's because I used to be over 300 pounds. And when you're over 300 pounds and lose 50 pounds, it just looks like you took one good shit. So. Wow. But so I eat less. I walk more. So I do a lot of cardio. I actually started like a fitness page where I run like half marathons called Q Don't Stop. So if you guys want to see my fat ass run, you can follow me there. Okay. Ian, is there something you wanted to say there? Do you walk more because you can't afford a car? I can afford a car. I can't afford all the other shit that goes with the car. Gas and whatnot. Registration, insurance. Ah, yeah. Stuff that the police ask you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I definitely have. These jokes. Okay, so you're not driving that much. And what's your plan to get ahead and start making money here? You know. How much is rent a month? So my rent is $1,100. Okay, that's low. You have roommates? No. You live by yourself and I'm $1,100 a month. I do. Is that a studio? One bedroom. Okay. Yeah, rent in Austin is going down. Is it far away from downtown? Two miles. So I walk here a lot. Like if I have spots, I literally walk here. I love it. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you have, that means that you have about, you know, a year, a year, less than six months until you run out of money. So what's the plan? What are you good at? What am I good at? I am still good at tech. So like AI is just killing like a lot of our jobs. So I'm learning how to use AI to get back into tech. Hopefully something happens with standup comedy. This is my dream. This is what I want to do. I don't want to go back to tech. or you know my fitness page blows up and because there's a lot of people who have pages who just make money running and just working out so those are my three hopes that's what i want to have happen got it your writing is very good i like the the whole thing was linear it was like all about the same thing the writing was oh thank you i appreciate that especially from you i'm a big fan thank you yeah hell yeah so other than other than cats what's your love life like what's my love life um right now not very good i actually got more pussy when i was fat i don't understand man. I don't either. Yeah. Yeah. So I was dating somebody last year till about November and I broke up just because of the distance because of the gas. And so I just been. What's your type? What type of thick white women are you into? Oh, no. See, I'm from Detroit. That's the Texas black guy thing. Oh, Detroit. You're in the real black women. Yeah, I'm in the real black woman you know give me about five seven 150 to 190 that's that their credit score that you're talking amazing amazing so your last black girl how long has it been since you had one of those wait you said my last black one yeah your last time you hooked up with a black woman uh that was the girl i broke up with okay why'd you break up with her uh like i said the distance you know and uh yeah just distance where was she at she's in dallas well i mean you could have gone up there for the uh tourette's convention yeah very yeah did you talk to the tourette's guy back there um i tried he stuttered um yeah he was fighting his lip they're not used to seeing black people here he's like but nigga that's what he said actually you're really funny thank you i appreciate that man um so quentin give us one more crazy fun fact about your life that we we would find interesting um that's always a tough one tony last time we talked about you being a college cheerleader and uh yeah i was here with shane gillis and you know we made we talked about that yeah um i like to play board games i'm a really big nerd oh what kind of board games so literally before i got called up we were playing settlers of katan next door oh wow yeah so um i started a board game group with some friends because it's just like there's not a lot of board game groups where i feel like i fit in so i just went and started my own that's amazing yeah and how do people find your uh find your uh fitness contact um so uh it's q don't stop that's my uh fitness run page on tiktok and instagram there you go quentin jones everybody fun times clinton congratulations good set fun interview here's a big joke book boom there you go all right we're moving forward we're keeping it moving here ladies and gentlemen your next bucketful goes by the name of cj kaiserman everyone cj kaiserman here he is you know degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down and he sees your car pull up Hey, you guys too, huh? Yeah, having me on my way here. I pulled off on Fifth Street, and this homeless guy just, ooh. Maybe homeless, but they're not dumb. I rolled my window down, tried giving him money. He tried handing me a water bottle. That's how bad it is for me. Seriously. I drive a really old, beat-up 2002 Honda CR-V. It's been rear-ended probably as many times as Tony. Yeah. I'm also like dumb broke though Like I won't even buy a Powerball ticket Until it's at least at one billion I'm not going to risk five bucks For twenty million dollars What's that really going to do for me Happy Black History Month guys For those who celebrate Not this guy apparently It okay Still got like a week and a half left Alright I just end it there Thank you Okay, DJ Kaiserman. Nothing really works except for the thing about me. Do you do that at like open mics? Does that work for you out in regular public or when I'm not here? The homeless joke I start with usually does better. It does better. Why do you think the homeless jokes didn't go good here tonight for you? Not a lot of homeless people in here. That makes sense. Normally it works in front of the other homeless people. Yeah. All right. How long have you been on stand-up, CJ? I did it for about a year back home. I've been pretty lazy since moving here. Where's back home? Spokane, Washington. And what made you lazy when you moved to a place where comedy exists at more than one venue? I actually moved down here saying I'd do more comedy, and then I just haven't really been signing up for more mics. I started a business, an online business, and it sort of just took off, and I've been investing like all the time. Ooh, what's the business? I sell football cards online. Like football memorabilia cards? Sort of. It's super niche. It's called Breaking, if anybody's in. Just keep explaining it. Keep explaining it. Okay, so I. Nobody knows what the fuck that is. No, nobody knows what Breaking is. So, like, there's boxes of football cards, of Pokemon cards, whatever sports it is. And, you know, I buy a bunch of boxes, and I sell the teams. So somebody buys a team, like the Cowboys, the Texans, and they just get all the cards for your team out of the boxes there. So instead of spending $400 on all the boxes, you're spending $20, $30 on your team. You just, you know, get all the autograph cards and rare cards and rookie cards for that team. Is that why you also have a haircut from 1992? Yeah, I came after. When that haircut was popular, Deuce Bigelow was in theater. That's a huge bitch. Amazing. So, CJ, what was it like growing up in Spokane? Not great. It's kind of a mood and mood tier. It's cold up there. I got down here to avoid the snow and ice, and then we got that crazy week with it. But we have one comedy club, just the Spokane Comedy Club. And you guys have actually done Kill Tony there when you were touring years and years ago. A long time ago. But, yeah, there's, like, you know, random bars and stuff, kind of similar to here. The scene's not great, but the comedy club's okay. Two mics a week. How long have you been in Austin? Seven months. Seven months. Yeah. And so you've just been buying boxes of cards and kind of organizing them and divvying them up and sending them off. Yeah. That's what we're going to call it, yeah. How much money do you think you're making doing that? Getting a ballpark here. A lot. Like, can you just give us a guess to me here? What's a lot to you? You said $20 million couldn't possibly change anything in your life. I really don't like talking about how much I make. I did $72K in sales last month. What? Wow. Yeah, but what is that profit? Yeah, how much? Profit's margin is about 40%, so it's like $25K to $30K profit. Okay. Hire Quentin. Are you kidding me? Hire the last guy. He's only got $14K into his name. I do need employees eventually, so we'll see. He'll cut down on a shippy. He'll just walk the car into somebody. Amazing. BJ, what's your love life like? Nothing going on there. I've been single for a while. Have you been on any dates since you've been to Austin? Yeah, I've been on. I'm actually kind of talking to this girl right now. Where did you meet her at? At BJ's. BJ's. It's a restaurant, guys. Yeah. Okay. It's a good sign. Yeah, I bet. They got some Tourette's chefs over there at BJ's, that's for sure. So you met her at BJ's? You're just sitting at the bar having a drink? My friend and I went in for the Pazookis, $5 Pazookis on Tuesday. What? Wow, okay. Well, Red Band's got a new Tuesday plan. Red Band would like that one. $5 Pazookis? What the fuck? What's a Pazooki? It's a pizza ice cream cookie. Oh, wow. Normally you make those yourself. You can go to a place where it's made for you. Kill it, too, right? Oh, Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Okay, so you're there looking for Pazuki, and you end up getting it. And she, yeah, she's our server. I was with my best friend, my roommate Nick, and she just was coming over, and I was making her laugh a lot, cracking jokes. What jokes were you doing then? Why don't we get some of your Pazuki jokes? Give us an example of one of the jokes that got you pussy at Pazookies. I wish I could remember. I mean, I think she just liked me. She was just laughing. I probably wasn't funny at all. She probably just liked me and was laughing. That's probably right. I couldn't tell you what they were. It's a shame none of those girls were in this audience. Yeah. Amazing. So you won her over, and then what? You took her back to your place? No. And she's like, why are there fucking football cards everywhere? That's cool you live with your little brother. My room is literally packed with football cards. The roommate calls it the anti-huzz room. I love it. But there you go. You're bringing your little piece of bouzouki back there, and then what happens? Do you tell her before she gets there? Like, there's a lot of car. Yeah. I gave her a warning. Before we go in here, it's going to look weird. But no, I got her phone number at the restaurant. And then, like, at midnight, I texted her after we left. And then right after you left. Yeah. Very smooth. Yeah. Yeah. Immediately. What's that? What'd you text her? I just, when I got home, I texted her and then she was like, hey, I'm off at midnight if you want to hang out. And I was like, let's go. And we drove all the way to Bucky's, like, right after she got work. Look at that. It's a bass drop? Yeah. Is that the one? I'm new here. Sorry. The one that way? Yeah. Yeah. It's that way. Hey, you got it right. Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it. If you just walk 30 miles that way, you're going to land straight on Bucky's doorstep. Yeah. Okay. I love that for a first date. You could learn a lot about somebody. Can you take us through what the first date of Bucky's was like? She told me she's a biter. What? That's interesting. She hasn't bit me yet. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. Because your dick's not big enough. She told you she was a biter. You were just walking around Bucky's and she drops that out of nowhere? No, this is in the car. This is in the car. On the way to Bucky's. She told me she gets overstimulated and will bite people. She gave me a warning. She's like, yeah, if I get too overstimulated and excited, I might bite you. I was like, how old is she? 14. 22. 22. How old are you? I'm 23. Okay. So you get to Bucky's. Then what happens? Did you buy something? What did you buy at Bucky's? I tried putting her on the fudge. You guys like Bucky's fudge? I don't know why you keep asking them. Just focus on the answers to the questions. Yes, Red Van likes fudge. Keep going. I tried putting her on Bucky's fudge. She did not want it, and we ended up getting just some random snacks. She's black, and so, whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're like, you must like the fudge. Oh, so she's a biter. Wow. This is amazing. I wouldn't have guessed that the girl you went for was a black girl. What does that mean? Is it the haircut? Well, you're from Spokane where normally black people are, you just put a cross on fire in their front yard. Spokane is a KKK hub. I know. I visit there every year. That's Idaho. That's Idaho. um okay so uh you take her to bucky's you offer the fudge you just got some snacks and then what you take her back to your place no just dropped her off and that was it okay yeah at her house yeah okay yeah get the fuck out of style have you hooked up walking but you hooked up with her since then no no we're taking things slowly now you didn't fuck a girl that let you take her We both love Jesus. She hit you up after work, and you just took her to a big-ass gas station and then dropped her off at home? He really is from Spokane. Wow. So it just fizzled out, just like your set. Yeah. Just no real closing or anything. Well, that's my time. Thank you. That was way more interesting than his set. Did she say anything at the end of this date when you dropped her off? Was there any, like, last words? Not besides the Biden thing, no. When was this? This was November. We don't know today, guys. What did you do today? We went to Chevron. Amazing. DJ, fun times. You are leaving here with a medium black chokebook. DJ Kaiserman, everybody. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard. It's terrifying. So much work goes into this thing that you're not entirely sure will work out. Trust me. I know when I started this podcast, I wasn't even sure what I was doing. What if no one listens? What if I make an idiot out of myself? Who's going to want to watch an open mic? Now, I know I was right in believing in myself and launching this podcast, despite all the fears and hesitations. And it also helps to have a partner like Shopify and RedBan on your side. Tony, I love Shopify. They're the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. is from household names like Mattel, Gymshark, to brands just getting started. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. It's time to turn those what-ifs into with Shopify today. Use your brain and sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash killtony. Go to shopify.com slash killtony. That's shopify.com slash killtony. Some real characters so far. Let's keep it moving along. Let's see what happens next. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Matt Banwart. Matt Banwart, everybody. Here he is. I got two degrees and four years in college. Brag. I was always bad at school. What I realized is instead of, in order to take advanced classes, you had to take arts appreciation, a global perspective, and a social diversity course. And I realized there was a glitch in the scheduling software. by chance dance appreciation counted as all three so i thought about it and i was like man i could take feminism one two and three or i could study how to be great at parties my friends hate it they're like matt you're cheating your education i was like yeah that's the point i'm the one paying for it i remember one day i walk in my roommate he's like sitting on his desk he's furious he's like typing he's like uh i have to a 10 page paper right now on fragile masculinity and i was like oh He's like, no, dude, you know what fragile masculinity is. That's when men are too afraid to be seen as a feminist. They put themselves through trials and tribulations, arbitrarily living lives of suffering. I was like, damn, that's tough. This is the mashed potato. This is what I've been doing all month. I'm not even good at it. All right, that was my minute. Okay, Matt Van Wart Doing a little lightning fast poetry About his college years That was fun Okay, fun for you Audible booze, just what I was hoping for Alright, Matt Here we are in the interview portion now Took a lone walk, wasn't worth it What? Took a lone walk Oh, during your set Yeah, got it One big one, not worth it Alright, Matt We'll talk about that in just a second so let's get into it matt um first of all you guys have anything you want to say right off the gut no it's very fair checking with jim norton you seem a little nervous that like it happens sometimes but you know i have i have hand tremors it's a medical condition i take a million both of us wow so you didn't even give a fuck what was going on up here you just always shake you like that i'm only yeah i shaked all the time should have come out with hot coffee that would have been they wouldn't let me bring the water on stage it was a hazard amazing i didn't notice the hand i thought the set was shaky without it so matt let's talk about it how long you've been doing stand-up 10 years shut the fuck up dude i for the first time ever i'm gonna say as an answer to that question i don't believe you where have you been doing it for 10 years can i just say real quick D Madness made such a noise, I thought he could suddenly see. He honestly can't. He gets loud. D Madness does not like a lack of punchlines. He loves his role on this show. He loves his job. He feels, I've been hanging out with D Madness after the shows, like for the first like 20 minutes. If Mitzi's right as soon as we're done. And I've learned, especially recently more than ever, this guy literally is more in touch than anybody like at all times it's kind of wild i'm not surprised but it is so interesting and so a fun fact my point uh is that during the show what you guys can't hear or sometimes see is d madness scoffs relentlessly when someone's not great God, it's the fucking shit ass motherfucker. Underneath his breath, but we can hear it, but it's not loud enough for it to go to the mic. He said 10 years, deep madness went, oh, no. It's a constant, it's like our own little background soundtrack. Not even that. We used to have D have his own mic, but it's like a little bit too much sometimes. when I'm trying to dig someone out of an interview or something like that. But we've learned that it's our own fun thing to have back there. D-Madness. How about a hand for D-Madness? The backbone. The absolute backbone. Which brings us back to Matt Banwar. Ten years, where were you doing these ten years at? First, three and a half were in Iowa, and then Chicago, and now here. How long ago did you move here? two almost a little over two years ago a little over two years and you've been working at mics and stuff you go up a lot you perform a lot yeah i travel i do my city shows yeah do you have like a best joke you've ever written in 10 years that you could do for us like a short little fucking banger there must be something 10 yeah i can i can do something uh here he is doing something other than whatever the fuck that was just doing one joke for us ladies and gentlemen And Matt Van Wart. Give him a hand, everybody. Ten years. I don't know. I got to try. I don't trust guys who climb rocks because they call it a climbing gym. That's not a gym. A gym is where people go to be hot, you know? No girls have been like, ooh, what's my dream, man? Stringing body? Massive wrists. No one's ever fantasized about girthy digits. You know what? We'll just end it there. This isn't going well. Okay. I'll read the room. I've lost all inertia. chib norton i mean it's a rough goal like i i know that's very fair i understand like after a bad set it's it's car because the audience loses a little bit of faith it's common for all of us so then you do another joke and they're like oh this is not going to be good and i can't say we're right but i know i empathize with you and we've all been there just not for this long in a row matt maybe there's something more that i can dig out of you about your real life here so So let's go over it. How do you make money, Matt? You're not going to like this. Uh-oh. I do stand-up. You make a living doing stand-up? It's hard to believe, but yes. Okay. So, like, where do you do this at? How? I just play the worst cities. I just did a run. I just did Tulsa, Wichita, Rogers, Arkansas. So let's take a one at a time just because I'm curious because I've done this, right? I started headlining shows about whatever, 15 years ago or whatever. So I was in Tulsa. And I know that it's hard to sell tickets if no one knows who you are. So how do you sell tickets at Tulsa? You doing a comedy club? Yeah, I do a lot of small rooms, a lot of breweries and stuff. But what I do is I make videos for every city I go to. So I do top spots to rip cigs in Tulsa. It's like parody reviews. So you get there, and then you make a video while you're there? No, I do it before. I do a lot of research at a time. And I'd be like, top spots take a drunk piss, and people kind of find them relatable. And usually I get the videos right, and then people are like, hey, we should go see this guy live. And the shows usually go better than this. Right. And there's, like, ballpark. How many people in these small rooms? I'm doing just, like, 50 to 70 seaters right now. And what are you selling tickets for? What do you mean? How much do you sell tickets for? $20 a piece. $20 a piece? That's pretty standard, yeah. pretty standard for someone that is a professional that can sell tickets. Yeah. And the club takes a cut of that, right? Yeah. So what do you think you walked out of Tulsa with? Come on. You must admit it's an interesting question. I shouldn't have talked about college because now I'm just doing an accounting class up here. You can just give us a ballpark. 500 bucks? Yeah, but I do it between like four shows, though, so I do like a full run. Okay, but you did one in Tulsa or four in Tulsa? I just did one in Tulsa. Okay, so then you have to drive to the next city, right? Yeah. Okay. You are looking inside of his soul. This is interesting, I think, for the people to hear. Talk about that. No, we did that last time. It's okay. This is every conversation I have. Oh, you've done this before. You were on the show before. Yeah, I did way better last time. Oh, okay. I mean, the ceiling's pretty low right now. Let's be real here. The ceiling's the same height as it was last time you were. Very funny. Very funny. Okay. So, Matt, what's something interesting about your life that we don't know about you before I let you go? I talked about college. I was a sorority president in college. All right. Yeah. How do you get that job? I was the president of the stand-up comedy club, and you registered it as a sorority. And they never corrected it. It was never checked. And the best part was our initials, stand-up comedy club, S-U-C-C. We were suck house. You still are. That's it. Did you get a little joke book last time you were on? No, I got a big joke. You got a big one? Well, guess what, buddy? You're going the wrong direction. There goes Matt Banward, everybody. Let's get one more bucket pool up here. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Orhan Lamor, everybody. Orhan. Here comes Orhan. Oh, yeah. How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm shit like I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life than right now. okay they're laughing i like i shut myself it just went inside back in there i can actually do stuff uh i'm from turkey uh it's not a happy place you know the state motto is if you're happy and you know it give it back but i was there for two years like i lived in la for a long time then i moved back there and then I came back here and in this time I realized how to make America great again actually. What you do is you go live in Turkey for two years and then you come back and it's fucking spectacular again. Stop it, dude. This is going to fucking go to my head now. Now it's the opposite. Now I think, oh my God, I will quit at the top. I don't want to do comedy again. It's never going to beat us. It's good. Yeah. Yeah. Meow or whatever. There it is. Yeah, you got it. You got it. The laughter was so loud, you missed the meow. I held off the bear because I wanted to see where you were going with it. Very funny. Orhan Limmer. Am I saying that right? Timur. Okay. Talking to the mic there. I don't know how it works in Turkey, but there you go. Voice only. Orhan, that was an unbelievably great set, just acknowledging the temperature of the room, having common sense like a 10-year veteran would have. How long have you been doing stand-up, Orhan? Nine years. Really? Oh, amazing. I thought you were doing a joke about how you've been doing it one year and then nine years, but okay, that makes sense too, nine years. Very funny. Thank you. I appreciate it. How much of that's in America? So like seven of it is America, two in Turkey. Where did you go when you first arrived to America? Orange County, but like Los Angeles. Where I started comedy is my, I always say LA because it's where I started. Perfect. What made you pick LA? I mean, I was already in Orange County. You could move there with a U-Haul. Got it. Yeah. What made you pick Orange County as a landing spot? I studied film, unfortunately. That makes sense. It does not at all for money reasons. But yeah, I went there and then I got sick of LA. What is the scene in Turkey like for stand-up? Can I ask? Great question. Oh, you do it in English and in Turkish. But the thing is, in English, you can talk about the government, which is nice because they don't fucking get it. You can't hear that. But Turkish, I have this special that I shot, and I haven't edited it yet because if I put it up, I'll probably never go back again. Right. So there's that little thing. So tell us, what is it like over in Turkey? Like what are some of the day-to-day things that make it, you know, dangerous and not fun? I mean, I had this joke about, compared to Halloween, instead of Halloween, trick or treat, they play this game called money or stab the children. I'm seriously afraid of children here, because sometimes I'll see children here with bats, and they're just trying to get better at sports. but I'm like, I always think they're coming for me because the thing is, like, when there's big dudes and you, like, hurt them, people will, like, you know, people will be like, ah, I was trying to hurt you, so you hurt them back, it's fine. But, like, when you hurt kids and you go to prison, they're like, ah, this guy killed a kid. So there's that fear. None of these are my real life. These are psychological things. That's amazing. I think you're super likable. Like, you already hear your voice already. like your demeanor it's funny and you just said when you kill kids and people yeah yeah yeah yeah you need an accent to kill kids otherwise like people are like speak more young turkish how old are you orhan i'm 33 years old 33 and did you serve in the turkish military at 18. uh no i because i you you can get out of it how did you get out of it so there's two ways to get out of it one you have to be gay and prove it oh hell yeah here's the thing like also here's what people don't know why i never joined the military no no let the let the let the room laugh for a second that's not how it is no no no i am straight no no here's what i'll shut up you don't know me you don't know me you don't like i'm i'm the only straight person here brother Okay, listen. So, if you're gay and you have to send them tape because they want proof video. They actually do. This is true. I'm not making this up. I'm not discreet. Wow. But blowjobs don't count, which some people send blowjob videos and still went. So, the other way is you have to work in America for three years. That's what I did. I did shitty jobs. So one way of getting out of the military is sending a video of a man absolutely butt-fucking you, and the other option is going to the greatest country on planet Earth and making money and working for three years? Because they figure, like, corporate America also makes your asshole yay big. Unbelievable. We've looked it up. What he's saying is definitely true. Yeah. Oh, my God. Military service from the BBC News 2012. Military service is mandatory for all Turkish men. They can only escape if they are ill, disabled, or homosexual. But proving homosexuality is a humiliating ordeal. So if you send a video of you sucking another dude's dick, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. People don't know that it's in the fine print and people don't read it. People are like, this is getting up. Do they throw? And also they archive it. So there's a bunch of reluctant, like, blowjob videos that didn't even do any army good. Where do you see them? You guys are laughing, but I'm going to get in trouble for this little. This is incredible. The same video that will get you out of Turkish military. The same video that will get you into Jim Norton's green room. I love comedy, you know, so... The guy who volunteers to watch the video in the army... Is there a guy who's like, I'll make sure they're gay? I mean, the amount of videos is probably a team, you know. They zoom in real quick. If they hear you go, you're like, nah, nah, nah, you can serve. Because people don't want to go to the army, you know. Because they, you know, make you get up early. Yeah. So, I guess. Wow. This is incredible, Orhan. So how long have you lived in Austin, Texas? It's my sixth month here. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just moved here because I, I don't know, actually. Like, people said I should, and I did, and then people have, like, people said, hey, there's, like, comedy there. People will like you there. I said, okay. And there's been good shows. And, like, I'm telling you, like, I, like, this minute thing really made me nervous because I'm not a very one-minute guy. So, like, I really appreciate you guys because I was really, I can't, it's really hard for me. Yeah. You absolutely dominated, Orhan. I want to talk to you for a little bit longer, even though this interview is going very long. But I find you so interesting. So now that you live here, how do you make money, Orhan? I work for a luxury car brand, but, like, only part-time. And they give me time off when I go to other cities. A luxury? car brand it's mercedes whatever okay you've been so nice forget i love it absolutely have you ever tried to get out of work the same way you try to get out of the army no no i just i just do a good job they let me go to different cities to do comedy amazing absolutely incredible what else about your life orhan tell us more about you uh honestly I'm like a little bit good at everything but not really that good at anything. Hopefully besides this but you decide. But like I play piano but not well. I don't know. I'm learning to carve wood. You're carving wood? Yeah. Okay. What are you making out of wood? It's an abstract piece. I don't know. It's about expression more than the laugh about it. Who would it carving me in a way? Jesus Christ. Yeah! I can't handle this much love, sorry. I don't know if I should wave at you or something. You're doing a hell of a job, Orhan. Thank you. You're doing an absolutely unbelievable job. What's your love life like? Well, I've had my share of girlfriends. They're all girls. Don't look at me. But, like, so in Turkey, I was making a living doing this. So I had, like, more free time. Now I don't really have free time. I had a girlfriend until a few months ago. But, you know, she wanted to meet at night. I want to do more comedy because I'm a little bit obsessed with this thing. So, like, I'm single till, you know, I can do this and nothing else. I mean, that's a boring answer. No, it's good. It's be prioritized doing stand-up over anything. It's because, you know, I don't know. I just love this thing to disgusting levels. Like, the amount of job opportunities I've given up to do a few extra mics when I started and stuff, like, just, yeah. I can only imagine. You must have been a doctor in the old country and then come here. I mean, like, at best it was $40,000 a year. Because you really know I'm not hireable by people who actually do stuff where people might die, you know. Right. That makes sense. Have you ever saved anybody's life or had a near-death experience or anything like that? I mean, people have been suicidal and I, you know, shook them. There you go. Does that? Yeah. He's talking about the last guy when he walks on stage. And by shook them, they were on a ledge. He produced a show. He didn't put me on. I might actually talk him into the ledge. but it's okay orhan you are so funny you are exactly what this show is built for somebody that's been doing it nine years and you left la and you moved to austin and i just find you so incredible the sacrifices that you've made and you're just so funny and i can't wait to see more material from you so orhan you are the newest golden ticket winner here on pro party So congratulations, my friend. Here you go buddy Bing bong Hey up here Orhan Boom There you go And I would love to have you on the speaker show Thursday, if you want. You did it, Orhan. You did it, buddy. I'm going to need you to send the video that you sent the Turkish military, though. I have to do some research to make sure you're a real golden ticket winner. How about one more time for Orhan, everybody? That's what happens here. Dreams can come true. And they did for your next comedian, who was just about to move back to Atlanta when he got pulled out of the bucket here on Keltony. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great regulars of the show's history, the Dark Storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Yeah, sir, what do you know about buying $200 worth of pregnancy tests so you can pee on them, sir? Because you know you can't get pregnant, you just really need the good news right now. Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y'all can go to couples therapy because it's cheaper that way? Sir, what do you know about having a spider that lives in your room and this nigga is not your pet? This nigga's not your pet, but you can't kill the spider because you got a white girlfriend. And she like the spider, you keep bouncing bugs, and it's in the injury point. So then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is, only to find out it's a black widow. Nigga, I can't kill a black mom. I have one of those. And my dad dead. This spider is my mom. I was on mushrooms when I figured it out. But I treat her like a black mom. We go to church every Sunday. We don't go into the church. They won't let you in with the spider on your hand. They think you the devil. So I just go by her windowsill, and we play Kirk Franklin, and then she put what she want to read in the Bible in her web like Charlotte's Web. You know what I'm talking about, Charlotte's Web? What's the pig's name from the book? Wilbur. This nigga can't read. This nigga can't read, and he's a liar. He just wanted to fit in. He just wanted to fit in. You're a liar. That's my time. Dedrick's friend. And he's done it again. And that, my friends, is the difference between a regular and a bucket pool and everything in between. Dedrick, absolutely incredible. Loud laughs all the way throughout. Amazing stuff. You peed on pregnancy tests? Yeah. You get that good news, don't you? When you get that, mm, boy, you know what it feels like to not be pregnant. But don't get the Dollar Tree ones because a nigga was nervous. I didn't know who the mama could be I'm a ho You know what I'm saying? Incredible, Dedrick How's life been going? Tell us about it I'm touring so much I'm touring so much Going all over the country It's so much fun I do hate getting on planes I think y'all know that But every city I've been to I've been selling a lot of tickets There's a lot of good fans I do want to say Happy Black History Month To the seven black people That watch Kill Tony I've had at least one at every show Yep We got the good ones though You know what I'm saying? A little fun fact Drake watches every episode with his crew In Toronto He makes them all shut up And they sit around a big screen TV Man, I love Drake There you go That's how you do it We love Drake too I love it You're very creative I love the spider bit. That was really funny, man. Like, you're a very interesting guy. You got an interesting brain. Very fun. Thank you so much. I'm a big fan of you. I love you so much. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Do you have something nice to say, too? If you don't have anything nice to say, Ian, I already know you. Put your mic down. Don't hurt my phone. I was going to piggyback off of Jim, but the way he was touching his cock. I was like, what, are you trying to get out of the army? I still can't believe that. That might be one of the craziest fun facts. you have to send a video of you butt-fucking. In fact, it's real. For some guy that's the head of the Turkish army who's definitely jerking off to these videos. It's even better if it's not true and a bunch of guys are blowing their friends and still going to serve. Absolutely incredible. People think America's bad. Turkey, you have to either butt-fuck or fight. another place that has better weapons than Turkey does. I feel like I would be gay instead of going to the army, though. I think I would just be gay for one video just to get out of here. I've seen you fight for Turkey the food. Give me that. I want that, please. Give me that, please. you gotta do an ai video if you deep throw in the turkey stuff yep that'll be on next week that'll be on next week's uh video dedrick anything else crazy going on in life how's everything it's fucking i don't know how to explain it it's just fucking incredible i'd finally i don't know i'm starting to feel like what the first couple months were i'm starting and get real comfortable being up here instead of being, like, extra nervous. Because it is hard to come out here. I'm not just saying that because my friend bombed a couple people ago. But it's – Which one was that? Matt Barber. Oh. He does run some great shows, like, over there. I did his club up there in Des Moines, Iowa. Oh, okay. Well, I don't think he likes me anymore. He had a real – I'll talk to him. Okay, good. Thank you. I want to be able to do Des Moines again. Also, thank you for this sweet-ass jacket. Of course. I just wanted to say thank you. This is a fucking player as hell, man. Yeah, they were supposed to come over the holidays. The whole crew got new jackets from our amazing team here. It took a while. Somebody put tariffs in place here in America. And they took a while. And now they arrived just in time for Texas to be 95 degrees ago. Yeah. So, perfect. I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Boy, do I look good. I love it. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We love you. You've got to see him on the road. Dedrick Flynn, follow him. See him when he comes to your city. Absolutely amazing. We know this next young buck. He is one of the door guys here at the mothership. We love it when people from Sunset sign up, people from the mothership sign up. These guys all are in a big rotation here in Austin doing spots. Hopefully with their experience, they're doing their better minutes here. So let's see what happens. Make some noise for the young buck. Nicholas DePeglia, everybody. Very funny young man. I was at the bar the other day just getting a drink, and this big group of ladies came. It was a bachelorette party, and it was like a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. There's so many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar having a drink, and one of them comes over and orders a drink and then looks at me and goes, You should shave your face. You look like a rapist. I just yelled at her. I said, yeah, you look like a victim. Got her. Got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much, and she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny, and I'm like, shut up, bitch. Yes, it is. But don't worry, I'm not into fat chicks, and she was clearly anorexic, so got her again. um yeah we'll leave it at that yep absolutely great nicholas the pegley i'm back again welcome welcome welcome back how's it going fantastic yeah new glasses you do kind of look like a rapist kind of yeah hell yeah a little bit very good uh welcome welcome what do you guys think about nicholas jim i'm glad i shaved very funny good joke writing uh yeah really great and i like the instinct of closing on the laugh like the fucking me out he's like fuck this i'm done i like that's good instinct thank you you're welcome yep got out on top um what's going on nicholas tell us about it you work here at the mothership i work here um i recently became a father about a little while ago. So I'm just doing a daddy daycare during the day and stand up at night. The wife is working full time. I'm raising the baby, right? Tell us about that. I'm pretty sure we are all fatherless people. Well, I mean, we're not fathers. We're childless. Yes. Childless. And we're probably also fatherless. We'll just come from a test poop well i mean it's cliche to say but they always say you're never ready to you don't you don't know what to expect um which is just the cliche thing that is true but uh it was a little different in our situation because when our baby was born we had a little baby girl um wanted a funny one but we got a girl uh but um i'm kidding she's i'm kidding um but um we named her shirley and when shirley was born uh we found we discovered that she had a little bowel obstruction in her intestines and they had to do emergency surgery uh and remove about 17 centimeters of her intestines and then they gave her like an ileostomy bag and we lived at the NICU at the hospital for like the first five months of her life like so it was really uh kind of traumatic and upsetting and my wife is really upset that I nicknamed her shitbag Shirley she didn't like that at all she didn't like that I said it one time but every holiday it always comes up and I'm like sbs is never gonna remember any of this i like i like how you have dark jokes that are like oh my god they're really fucking funny oh thanks yeah yeah it's kind of my sense of humor it's kind of my style dark come out of nowhere it's your daughter your humor is darker than the contents of your daughter's shit bag that's true yeah they call it output but i know shit when i smell it collect shit it's definitely shit yeah um yeah it was doesn't end that was a crazy experience though i've had to do a bunch of i had to start taking care of myself a little bit better now like i'm when got a checkup recently um which i hadn't done in quite some time but um you know as guys we go to the appointment once a year you know get a little turn your head and cough and you think that's it but this year i went and they were like all right we're gonna tickle your balls and that was fine it felt great um i was turning my head i was coughing you know as you do I asked the guy, I was like, why do I have to turn my head when I cough? And he goes, I don't want you coughing in my face. And I was like, oh, fair point. You don't know unless you ask, though. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, and then he finishes, and I start pulling on my pants, and he goes, oh, wait, we're going to check your prostate. And I said, no, thank you. I just didn't want to do that, but they forced it upon me. And all of a sudden, I'm just in position, you know, hands down, pants down. And he's behind me lubing up like Pete Diddy at a freak off. And he goes, don't be alarmed. You're going to feel like a small pinch. And that's when I looked back at him and said, why do I feel both your hands on my shoulders? And he didn't like that at all. Yeah. He didn't like that joke at all. Awesome. He kicked me right out of the dentist's office, though. Hell yeah. Amazing. Other than that, life's been pretty good. I mean, that was kind of a struggle. Yeah. I love it, Nicholas. You're doing a hell of a job. You're crushing here at the mothership. You're getting spots. You just performed in front of millions of people here on the show and did great. Congratulations. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday, if you care. Secret show. Here's a big joke, folks. Boom. Nicholas the Piglia, ladies and gentlemen. All right. And back to the bucket we go. Here we go. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Kirstie Hayden, everybody. Kirstie Hayden. I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I'm actually living through this app I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called Hinge. No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat, and when I came home, I discovered that the cat had gotten into my dirty laundry and chewed up only my underwear. so weird way to find out you have a yeast infection you can take the puss out of the panties but you can't take the panties out of the puss that's it okay hi kirstie welcome hello this is your first time on the show yes welcome how long you been on stand-up eight years okay where at i started in dallas okay you still live in dallas no i live here now how long have you lived here like a year and four months okay good answer very exact uh how do you make money i do pet sitting i'm also i clean and organize people's houses i sell clothes on depop that's it all right okay how old are you i'm 30 30 okay so you started at 22 yes how's it going for you good pretty good yeah you perform a lot i do Are you a little tipsy or on drugs of some kind right now? 100% sober. Really? Yeah. This is just you? Yeah, this is just me. I'm not even on Zoloft anymore. I'm off all of it. Okay. Were your parents really stoned and on drugs when they had you? Yes. Okay. All right. That doesn't really... You look like you should be disrupting an ice raid. Yeah. It's true. what ethnicity are you i'm sicilian really okay all right 100 your parents are both sicilian like 80 my dad's dad is like irish so that's why my last name's hayden got it got it all right What do you do for fun, Kirstie? For fun? I usually will, you know, I like to do... How long have you been off the Zoloft for? One month. Yeah, there we go. I had a feeling. Your body's adjusting. Yeah, the brain zaps have finally stopped. The brain's what? The brain zaps. Okay, none of you take Zoloft. That's cool. The brain zaps. Can you take us through what that means? It's where you get really lightheaded and you feel kind of, it's uncomfortable, but I kind of like it. Because it makes you feel kind of like messed up, but it's like a lightheadedness. And then for a second you're like, ah, ah, and then you're like, oh, yeah. There's other ways to get that. So what made you get off the Zoloft? My health insurance changed. Ah. So I thought it was easier to just quit the pills than to be put on hold. Did you wean off? Did you talk to a doctor at all? You just kind of just cold turkeyed it? I cold turkeyed it. They tell you not to do that, but I think I got through it just fine. Dude, I... So, Kirstie used to be... She used to wait tables at the Dallas Improv. Addison Improv. And every time I'd headline there, I'd give her a guess. And she always crushed it. Every show. She's very funny. And this interview is great. You're like a female... You look like female Mitch Hedberg. Bitch Hedberg? Bitch gives Hedberg to stay at someone's house. y'all already have a mitch impersonator though that is true we have a guy that looks and sounds exactly like him what were you using zoloft for like depression anxiety well i mean that's what it treats red band but usually why people take it yeah i mean what do you think it's a fucking weight loss drug it's for like ptsd anxiety depression i mean you know there's a few different reasons it was for depression yeah yeah but i honestly i would get depressed while i was on it so i was like well what's the point right i might as well just deal with raw dog it right so how's the past month been what do you what's going on with it is it a day-to-day thing have there been highs and lows i think i learned good coping on zoloft um so it's actually been fine without it i don't really feel any different um because i was on it for three years and it's not like you're fucked up on it like you remember what you learned on it so yeah i think i just learned how to be normal uh well i wouldn't say that but i feel pretty much the same does it fuck up sex drive i've always been scared it does it would take like an hour to to come so every woman i've ever been list yeah they're a lot of zoloft so uh how has uh have you do you have a boyfriend no so have you been on dates or anything since being off zoloft or are you just like uh you know that the sexual thing is better because you're pleasing yourself um well it's hard to date when you do comedy because you're just out every night and i don't really do dating apps because i don't really like care um right you know so no i don't really go on dates okay um very often so no i i don't know i don't i don't do that okay right now all right yeah okay kirstie what do you do for fun When you're not doing stand-up? I do a little bit of yoga. I like playing pool. I like singing sometimes. And I take showers. Oh, amazing. That is a rarity among Austin Commons. You're pretty unique. What song do you sing at karaoke? I like to do some shania. I also, I sing corn pretty good. Hell yeah. All right. Okay, Kirstie. Very fun. All right. Let me ask you one more question about the Zoloft here. I've heard that when you stop antidepressants, cold turkey, that you get suicidal tendencies. Did you have a low moment at all when you got off them? Surprisingly, no. um most of the low moments were before i got on it and then like during even uh there were low moments but i think because i expected there to be so many low moments i just didn't it wasn't that bad so no i'm but that's stephen brody stevens who killed himself enjoy it there you go it doesn't makes sense the bad timing thing but i work with brian redband so you can't control it when i'm looking over here he gets to do whatever he wants i'm good i'm in a good headspace i think that i'm gonna kill myself maybe tonight no don't no no i can't have that kind of i can't have that kind of present don't write a suicide note in it yeah no you got it you're leaving here with a big joke book, Fun Times, Kirstie Hayden. There you go. Boom. All right. There goes Kirstie, everybody. Yeah, let's do that. You saw Orhan Timur get a golden ticket here tonight, and you may have seen this next young lady get a golden ticket if you watched Kill Tony, Once Upon a Time in Texas on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the great Young, everybody. Young is back, everyone, for the brand new minute. Hello. Hello. You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the white house? White collar jobs are better than blue collar jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lives are better than other lives because they come from good intentions. I'll be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can ever find. You can only wear white in that party, right? They got A-list celebrities, unlimited baby oil. And guess what? When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White House. Thank you. That's not me. Young. That was all white. Yeah, very white. I love it. Stuck with one premise there. I love it. Very good. Smart. Adorable as always. very likable young. Welcome back. How's life going for you? It's been good, yeah. I scheduled some shows around a few states and just doing spots in Austin. Where are you going around America? Next week I'm in Florida, but it won't be aired, but I have a show in Austin March 21st and a show in San Antonio March, no, April 11th, I think. April 11th. Amazing. San Antonio, you can drive to it. You drive? I told you I drive Uber before. I was a five-star driver. Yeah. Yeah, I was. I did 5,000 trips. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. High ratings. Really good driver. That's crazy. I find that impossible to believe. Jim? I think George, you said that I thought it was very funny You had me at, you know White I was like But no, very good The good writing And yeah, I enjoyed you very much Thank you You keep looking like You're waiting for me To stick with me shitty I love when I sit on the panel I can't control it I just look at you I thought you looked like Someone from the alien movies You know The human incubators Would come out Bald and wrinkly Are you going to let... Do I now? Do you see it? Are you going to let Soon-Yi talk to you that way? Yes, I am. Tell me how I'm not good enough. Tell me how small it is. White is good, but not there, right? Tell me about it. Wow. Young has this incredible roast delivery that I find so interesting. She does it with a smile. She, like, looks right at you. She told Red Band that he looked like a kidney don't work. So many people, after saying they saw the Netflix thing, bring that up. When the Asian girl told Red Band that he looks like his kidneys don't work. It doesn't have to necessarily be some crazy written math problem. me it's something the brutal honesty with you the way you smile at somebody yeah i wasn't trying to rob him i just thought he looks very pale see what i mean you feel like it's an adorable delivery yeah but that means she really thinks i look like some fucking alien what do you think about ian ian's a good-looking guy right he looks so drew in texas that's the worst insults an alien i find it interesting he got all those like fake jewelries on his knuckles like trying to be a rapper thank you i'll take a number 35 a 47 and a 16 Are you Jew, though? Are you Jew? You are? A little bit. What are you? Not Jew. Oh, my God. I love she doesn't even say A. She just goes, are you Jew? Ah, yeah. That was very 1945 of you. Since when did the Japanese not like Jews? Oh, you're Chinese. I got in trouble for this before, getting these things backwards. You guys are totally different. Two totally different people to us. Yeah, we don't nuclear people. You do? We do? Yeah. We do bomb people? You don't. Okay. Chinese don't. Somehow you guys don't. Yeah, we like to build trains, though. Yes, you do. I feel a train for you. That's right. Sushi trains. That's your parents. I feel like she's a racist little doll and we're just pulling her straight. More phrases are coming out. Are you Jewel? Are you Jewel? I'm Jewel Spider. I love Jewel. Yeah. Thank you. How do you feel about aliens? Jim is going to come. I'm going to give you a hug afterwards. Sorry. Thank you. You look hurt. Along with these roast jokes, I've realized that Young is so likable that she can get away with things that most people can't. Everyone, including, I've noticed, liberal people, like my 80-plus-year-old mother, she mentioned how amazing she thought you were. And she loved your Trump impression, and she hates Trump. Oh. So I think you have this amazing ability to win people over. What's your least favorite race? If you were joking, what would your least favorite race? And what would your best impersonation of them be? You're really putting me on the spot, Tony. You're trying to make me right. Black. mexican uh japanese now as a chinese girl tell us what is it that you don't like about the japanese oh we fight a lot you know we kill each other all the time yeah but why why is that uh yeah you know uh they're just they're neighbors neighbors just hate each other you know they fight a lot and Yeah, but is there something about them in particular? I don't know. I think we just think we're better than them, and they think they're better than us. That's a great answer. Yeah, just like Jews and Christians, you know? What? Aliens and earthlings? Take it easy, Miss Igon. Jesus Christ. I had to know if it was a Jew and a Jew here, and I got to take the opportunity. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you have to, right? You're really a Jew? 23 and me. You'll catch it. 23 and heeb? Okay. Just from the neck up. Yeah. For sure, definitely. Especially with the beard. You're 100% Jewish from the neck up. No, I'm like a little Ashkenazi. I found out through 23 and me, But I was raised Italian, Irish Catholic. Perfect. Hey. Perfect. Hey. But she spotted it. Really, what a great instinct you have. Yeah, no, I mean, even though her eyes look like they're closed, she can see. Young, you are amazing. So likable. So funny. We love you. How about one more time for Young, everybody? We're going to go back to the bucket. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It's Jordan McDonald, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Jordan. What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people. That's how I judge how much I like a city. I suggest y'all try it. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada not too long ago. Any Canadians in here? Boo! USA! USA! Stay with me, brother! USA! All right. Gonna start a clam rally in this future. No, I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed in parks, watching homeless people not bother nobody doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. There's nobody else around him. And he just says out loud, I only smoke crack on the weekends! And guess what, Big Daddy? It's the weekend. That's a five-star homeless man right there. You mean to tell me you're a disciplined crack addict? It's like, hey, Reggie, what you doing tonight, baby? You want some crack? Nah, nigga, it's Tuesday. Don't start my crack till Thursday, 11.58 p.m. Thank you Jordan McDonald Okay Welcome back Jordan and you been on this show before How are you How long have you been doing stand now Coming up on seven years. Seven years. And is that true? You really made a crackhead that only does that on the weekend? I was smoking weed in the beaches in Toronto, and I was watching homeless people as I do, and he was like, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what? Big Daddy, it's the weekend. That's the craziest shit I've ever seen a crackhead do before. Jim Norton. I think you're, I like watching you. You're a good performer. You have good energy on stage. You acknowledge the audience and the material is unique. So I enjoyed watching you. Oh, thank you, Jim. Hell yeah. I appreciate it. You're welcome. Yeah. You've definitely gotten a lot better. I remember that. Thank you, man. I've been working hard. Yeah. I liked your impressions. Like, you really threw yourself into it. Appreciate you. Yeah. Hell yeah, Egan. And the way you said, fuck Canada. I appreciated that. Yeah. USA. USA. USA. USA. Hell yeah. Jordan, what have you been up to other than stand-up comedy? Actually, Tony, I actually toured the world 2024 and 2025. Wow. Went to 12 different countries and performed comedy. Tell us about it. I went, you know, the coolest place I went to was Tanzania, East Africa. Shout out to the Punchline and Dar es Salaam. Headlined there, sold out shows there, performed in Spain, all over Europe. And you're performing in English? Yes, sir. All these different places. So it was cool. For one of the shows in Tanzania, Friday night, all my openers did comedy in Swahili. And I was like, damn, nigga, this is crazy. I don't know what the fuck y'all are saying. And then the audience quickly turned on their English brain, and we had a good time, man. Wow. Yeah. It's incredible. I actually got a notice in Amsterdam and Spain and Dubai from Kill Tony, which was... Oh, you got recognized. Recognized. They were like, you're the dude where your ex-girlfriend beat you up, right? And I was like, yeah. They were like, you funny. And I'm like, can you leave with that next time? Yeah. incredible uh non-comedy related what was your favorite place favorite place non-comedy related uh barcelona spain man everybody got a fat ass they got for real bro everybody's caked up uh they got good food out there uh the comedy scene was cool it's just beautiful i swam naked in the in in the ocean nigga that was tight i'm from sherman texas dog i ain't never done nothing like that That was fun. Yeah. Yeah? I ain't never seen such a light-skinned brother with so much soul. Come on now. Come on now. You know what it is. I like it. You've been having all the wrong light skins on your show lately, Tony, so I just had to, like, come in and be the... I like you throw your, like, everything into your words. It's, like, interesting hearing you talk. Thank you, brother. Yeah. When you swam naked in the ocean, what kind of floaties did you use? I just used my hair. I just used my hair, Tony. There you go. It keeps me afloat. Kept my nose above water. I didn't have to worry about shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I didn't go below my knees neither, though. That also helped. Absolutely. I ain't going to get below the waist. That's going to be dangerous. Amazing. Did you hook up with any global ladies? You know what I'm saying? There was some pretty ones out there. Can you give us an example of what that was like? Barcelona? No, one was in Edinburgh, Scotland at the Fringe Festival. The Jewish girls out there go crazy, boy. Let me tell you. I didn't know. No, tell us. What do you mean? Well, so the Edinburgh Friends Festival, really big comedy festival in Scotland. And it's pretty much like Pokemon Stadium, but for comedians and stuff. And everybody's just trying to involve a Pichu to a Raichu. You know what I'm saying? And sometimes a Charizard and a Raichu meet up with somebody like, yo, this motherfucker make electricity and fire. and i don't know can you say uh can you explain that to the people that aren't absolutely brain dead dorks yeah so uh you know you you go to uh one of the after parties you know and uh they drink a lot in scotland and you start drinking and then you make eye contact with a very pretty jewish lady from across the room and she's like yo i direct shows and i'm like oh i don't but let's let's have some fun and we have some fun did you know she was jewish before she said she directed shows or was that the giveaway i was like this might be my way in yeah so you know had to had to do do the job have you noticed something different uh hooking up with a jewish girl than with a non-jewish girl um go go ahead say it it's okay okay uh well uh easy i don't know no go ahead let it rip let it rip ian shut up i'm making no i i i i love jewish people i just I want y'all to know. Yeah. Shouts out to the one Jew in the crowd wooing right now. I love you, brother. No, it's not really that much of a difference there. I don't know. She had, like, moles. And I was like, that's crazy. You know? I was like, connect the dots or something. I don't know. But that was the only difference was the moles. God puts them on there so we can spot them. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. No, they're not moles. They're called rats. That is the Jew who made that joke. Hopefully this is still in the clip. Hopefully the clip didn't end there. I love it. Jordan, anything else crazy we should know about you? Anything else crazy, man? Me and my homies have been making short comedy films and shit. We got a really funny stoner film called Pushy. If you like good stoner comedy films. Where can people find that at? uh it's uh we got it on uh youtube right now just look up a pushy uh film it's on youtube i-e-e-y uh p-u-s-h-y okay yeah there you go pushy and then uh tony i had a funny moment with you at skank fest this year we did yeah we did we were just hanging out in the uh the green room or whatever and you walked up with a slice of pizza and i was talking to uh joe de rosa and a few other comics gardini but you just came up and you were like this looks like so and so from star wars i know this because i'm a stiff lord and i was like yo tony what i actually remember this it looked like the uh the the moose to farce exactly yeah you go i would know this because i'm a stiff lord and i was like well that that was a joke but for being losers oh yeah oh come on star wars is so much cooler than pokemon on. Ashley, you know the references. The Mustafar system is where you guys know it's where Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi fought. It's basically a lava planet and there was a bubble on the slice of pizza. It was like one of those like bubbles that come up and it literally, I took out my phone and granted you have to also remember it's fucking Skank Fest so I'm drunk and high as all fuck all. But I literally did. I didn't notice it until then and then I pulled out my phone and I looked up the moose to our system and I went and then I took my red lightsaber and I shoved it up my ass to get out of the Turkish military uh here's a big joke book Jordan thank you thank you Jordan McDonald everybody that's the lightsaber of the sick they don't use green or purple lightsabers like what you got there no way Jose straight red I'm almost to the point where I can shoot electricity out of my fingertips saving it for Madison Square Garden our third time tickets going on sale real soon you know just casual business alright let's do one last bucket pool make some noise for Joey Johnson everybody what's up guys man it's cool you're all here 11 years I've never been pulled before So that's, you know, 11 years of comedy, man. It's, yeah, sure. I don't have enough time. Shut up. It's hard making money doing this, man. 11 years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area, and I'll stop by, like, a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir. Can you spare some change? And I told him, I was like, look, dude, I don't have any money. I'm a stand-up comedian. And then I, shit, you not, guys, this homeless guy, like, paused and assessed my fucking situation. Right? The dude looks me up and down. I'm basically, he just goes, my bad, fam. You right? And that fucked me up. I'm cut. that ruined my whole week my bad i know i spoke like that too he was asian it was the weirdest my bad you fam you're right then he gave me five dollars all right and i took that shit because it's hard out here for a player all right yeah i was on unemployment during covid that was the best money i ever made all right i'm not really political when trump was showing out nine hundred dollars i was like i can be bought that is a lot i was on unemployment i wasn't taking advantage of system. We hear about that a lot, right? Taking advantage. I wasn't the money given back to me. I was putting into small business. I love small business, man. I love it to a fault. Like I love small business so much. I will only take a girl I'm seeing out to a mom and pop abortion clinic because big abortion is just killing the little guy. Right, everybody? Joey Johnson. Great set. 11 years you've been doing it. 11 years. Where at exactly? uh hyenas actually we actually met one time i oh god tell me what star wars shit i said no no no no no these are not the jokes you're looking for what happened when we met uh i was just supposed to open for you and you had a bunch of people there randy you know i randy it was it was hyenas for words jp and jp was in the green room you don't recognize we have long hairs during covid i was wearing a mask and i felt heavily judged walking in there with the mask can't believe randy would book me open yeah yeah always brought my own well what's funny is the like saturday after that was a friday and you didn't need me and you let me do the time and that was tight as fuck but the saturday after the girlfriend that like just broke up with me she was gonna come to the show and i was like oh she's gonna she's a big fan i was like oh she's gonna see me this will be my big time and then you're all like hey man you need me back tomorrow you're like nah well i had an entire crew that i flew out from los angeles and hey in retrospect it yeah yeah it was good randy randy yeah randy's randy's the dog i love we love randy randy's my fucking homie the great randy butler he comes to all of our shows when we do massive uh venues now and no and you let me do the time and that was tight man thank you for that yeah yeah there you go i'm a nice i would like the girlfriend there you go there you go i put my lightsaber away for the night. Where was the gig? At the cantina? Oh, no. Who shot first? How dare you use the Mos Eisley Cantina's name in vain. This is crazy that you're all finding out at once how big of a secret Star Wars nerd I am. Dorks. Literally re-watched it over the weekend. I just let it go. A merchant I am. Do your big one. Do your big one. No. I already did it on this show before. Okay, I do one impression. It's Princess Leia during the Empire Strikes Back when she's freeing Han Solo from being frozen in carbonite. She's in a special robot helmet, which changes her voice. And when she wakes up, she goes, You have been frozen in carbonite. Thank you. Thank you. Oh! Do I get to do the secret show on Thursday? I don't want to. I don't want to. Now this all makes sense. That's why you're talking in the C-3PO's dick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ha fucking larious. I love this. I love that you're finding out that I have a sensitive, dirty side to me. Oh, my God. All right, Joey, what do you do for work? I work at Head Shop on Wheels out here, so I sell diet. Yeah, yeah, I sell diet weed in a food truck. Nice. Yeah, I did it in high school, but they tip me for it now, so that's nice. That's awesome. Dress for the job you want, not the one you. I love that. How long have you been doing that for? I moved here about a year ago. I started it like a few months ago. I was working on the country club bartending out here at first, and then in July when those storms came, it flooded the country club, River Place Country Club. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. And is it your truck or you're working for it? No, no, no. It's not mine. I work for it. A bunch of comics work. Eleazar, I think, who was on here recently, he works there. There's a lot of, yeah. It got robbed recently. Yeah. There have been a couple, yeah, yeah. And look, Hedgehog on Wheels, I'm pretty sure they posted their mug shots. So, look, you know, if you know them, maybe I'll get a raise. I don't know. But, yeah, they got robbed. I don't know what happened there. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my truck. Okay. There you go. I lock up great. All right. Perfect. We're going to use that video in court. You definitely robbed the truck. Stop, dude. Stop. You look like my accomplice. We're one and the same here. Yeah, shut the fuck up. Six one and no one. I did not rob the truck. Okay. I swear, dude. Please, I need this job. I need that $14 an hour so bad. Please. So it's $14 an hour. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. What's your rent? $750 only, actually. How many roommates? One roommate. And that's a dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One bedroom or two? One bedroom. Or two. Two. God damn it. Wow. Set me up. Wow. Two. But one bedroom for $750 would be crazy. Looks like I found a new C-3PO. lr2 you're d2 all right uh this is not the droid you're looking for something all right is it a one bathroom huh oh did we already one bathroom it's okay one bathroom uh yeah yeah what's it like tell these people what it's like uh sharing a bathroom it's gross because both me and him are like trying to get into working out so the protein intake is like oh it's gone up for us and the toilet and that's crazy having women over is crazy you know what i mean because i and Also, like, the toilet seat's now falling off. It's just, like, doing that thing where, you know, I think both of us are, like, sit wipers, right? Like, you shift and the... She knows what I'm talking about. She gets it. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, if you... Like, do you stand and wipe, just wipe, or sit and wipe? I have a bidet. I have a... Play a fucking drumbeat or something. Stand. We're standing. Stand your standards? Oh, see, I just lean, and then I fucking, yeah. I probably shouldn't say this. That sucks. Yeah. But, like, it moves the seat. I don't know what I do. everybody stands, right? You stand up. That's crazy. Who stays? Most people don't. They stay sitting and they go like that? I don't know in between. No, you lean. You grab a cheek lean. It's a whole reach process. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how women watch. That's how women watch. It's a super straight way to do it, dude. It's very rare that we have so much standards here. Yeah, this is crazy, by the way. The numbers are normally in my favor, I feel like. No. On this problem. Yeah, we got a few. Yeah. No. There we go. That's a fucking honest man. Look, that is a strong man right there. And he sits when he... That man works the construction. Wow. What do you... You sit and you lean and wipe? See, yes! He's a sitter. Yeah, I'm a lean wiper. Is that what I'm supposed to be? I'm a stand wiper. And if you have a shitty apartment like I do, like the toilet seat... Yeah, so now it's like shifting. Now if you move any direction, bro, you're like on a flip and slide. It's crazy. It's like I'm sitting on an ice cube. I stand in white. You're pulling it into your balls the other way. Well, that's because you sit and pee. I'm not... I'm not... Oh, it's so fun. Oh, shit. Joey, give me one more crazy fun fact about your entire life. Could be your childhood. Could be today. Crazy. I'm quitting cocaine, everybody. That's cool. Yeah. You're in the process right now of quitting? I've been done for like a few months now, but yeah. Congrats. Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. That's tough. Good for you. Appreciate it. I had some, I guess, rock bottom moments. Let's hear about that. He has a roommate and he shits on his side. You got outed as a huge Star Wars fan in front of millions of people? No, I had sex with a trans girl, though. Sorry, that wasn't like a... It wasn't like a... You're talking to the king. and queen yeah i know i know this is why this is not the best but i just you know no what happened tell me we were fucking yeah by the way she looked great she looked great no we i was fucking i was fucking then i saw the penis and then for me that was like the rock bottom because i knew but then when you see it and it's big you're like fuck that yeah i know and then and then i felt like bad like i couldn't stop being a rock hard bottom well then i felt like i couldn't stop because it would have been fucked up like to have been turned off once i saw the penis who cares wait a second hold on hold on i know that's crazy to say after i did it let's go one step at a time joey just relax for a second you're getting real amped up now sorry my bad it's okay getting closer to us yeah yeah move back move back joey move back no no he means with your lifestyle Joey, you're saying that you didn't know she was trans until you saw her dick? I was willing to ignore it. I was so, like, coked out. To ignore the fact that, like, it could be a possibility. And, again, you can play pretend until you see the... And then when I saw it, I was like, oh, I, like, don't like this. But then I didn't want to finish. Hold on. Hold on. Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey. Dude, you robbed the truck. You are gay. And you knew she had a cock, okay? Just be who you are. It's totally fine. You're playing turkey. Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. So you're saying that you were having sex with her, right? Yeah. You're hitting it from behind. Yes. Okay. And did you finish? And then you saw the dick? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You came, but you weren't curious as to why first base was her asshole? Yeah. You're just like, wow. This is freaky. I don't know. You didn't wonder why her pussies felt like shit. did you come in her asshole no no no you pulled out yeah yeah what a gentleman yeah yeah yeah yeah so you pull out you shoot it on her back it felt for some reason this is dumb i know but it felt gay or do it coming in the ass so i was like if i do it on the back it's straight as if there's one alpha move it's to pull it out and then her dick and jerk you get it yeah yeah So, when did you see her dick? Because she's like, my turn. Is that it? Yeah, it was like there wasn't a cigarette, but she rolled over, you know. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I felt bad, like, not wanting to get icked out, even though I was, you know. Did you make her come like a gentleman, or are you a piece of shit? Honestly, man, I have no idea. At that point, I was a yes. I was a yes. That's a yes. I love it. The Olympics are going on right now, and you are winning first place mental gymnastics. I was too coked up. I was so coked up, I dated her for six months. I was so drunk, I met her family and fell into a love relationship. Gold medal in skiing, I was. It was gayer for you to deny it. It's fine. I mean, I said I did it. Did she sleep over? Did you wake up next door the next morning? No, no. I went home after. She drove me home. Like, we didn't really sleep. There was coke. You know, but yeah. She is a gentle woman. You better watch out. She is a female driver. She was very sweet. Amazing. What kind of car did she have? Do you remember? I don't remember. It was a little red, like, hatchback thing. It was a picture of a big pickup thing on the back. No. But they're tucked up underneath. Oh, Joey. Congratulations. Fun's that fun interview. Love it. Great stuff. Joey Johnson, everybody. All right. I fucking love this episode tonight. I mean, unbelievable. What a showing. Golden ticket winner. Young was great. Dedrick was great. William got the whole thing started. Normally, that's how you end a show. And he went up first in this batting order tonight. So it makes you wonder, how do you end an episode like this? And, well, there's only one way to truly do that, my friend. This regular has it all. He's selling out giant theaters all around the United States of America, where one day it is very likely that he will be a citizen. But for now he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Laurie Matty. So there were ice raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course, I am anti-ice. However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my conscience. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. Fuck off, we're cool. I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white, but holy shit, things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. You know what I'm saying? Too much of this going on, you know? This isn't right! Stop the garbage! Only white people feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends. They were like, oh, shot by law enforcement? Welcome to the game, baby! Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, in the history of this show, I don't think we've ever really... And I know for a fact we haven't seen anything quite like what's happening with the extremely hardworking, unbelievably hysterical R.A. Maddy. I mean, you're growing at a rate that's absolutely insane. You're using your momentum and star power. You just have momentum from the get. Thank God. Every single thing is fucking hilarious. and we know you're hilarious so the expectations are raised and then boom you know the expectation oh it's always a guy the men love me yeah yeah you love me pressure you're competing with only yourself out here it's absolutely incredible jim norton would you what do you very i mean i like you i know you and very funny man i love to see like the more confident like every time i see you It's more confidence. The material is really good. You're positive. It's great to see. I think you're very funny. And I'm happy for you. Considence has been an issue recently, Jim. Ooh. Why? So I've been banging. Ooh. This girl. Boo. That must be fun. so for a few months I've been banging her in the right hole everything's correct you never know so yesterday she tells me the whole time we've been banging a few months she hasn't come in even once is she on Zoloft? God, it feels like you're betrayed. You know. So what are you going to do? Yeah, what did you do? So then I ask her, so is it even possible? she goes yes i come with a vibrator so i go where is it then she goes oh i didn't want to bring it up because usually when i bring it up guys get insecure you know and it's i don't give off dude whatever we need i can get a black guy here in 15 minutes. I don't give a fuck. Ladies, say what makes you cum, dude. The past four months I've been buying a lie. Insecure fuck. It's technology, dude. I can't, you know. You think if a Mexican guy is digging a ditch and I fucking show up with a bobcat. You think he's gonna be like oh I'm useless come bitch I don't give a fuck what do we need was she acting like she was coming yes drama real good Disney Sweeney shit shaking shaking the vibrations they betrayed me I know you do I know Jim doesn't know that feeling you know when your wife comes oh yes I do oh you hit my shoulder that time oh shit oh my god so did you already did you get the vibrator and then try did you do it right then on the spot we're gonna try again just fucking grab a room but then fucking call tonight amazing so are you looking forward to your revenge are you gonna yes there will be revenge i was thinking i was even shopping for vibrators myself dude i was shopping for things where dude the battery isn't even enough i was shopping for fucking tools i was shopping for things you can plug in the wall and the lights you know that next time she's over my place that I'm coming with a change started on like holy shit oh my god so ari i mean this is absolutely incredible you've been all over the road lately how's that going yeah a wonderful club stand up live in phoenix shout out rochester carlson the clubs are awesome the people are awesome if there are only more chicks but Yeah. It's like 500 rapists in a room. You're yelling fag and you're crushing, dude. And that's Ari Matty Comedy.com? Ari Matty.com, for the love of God. Some of these shows are looking rough. I don't need this right now. No one's coming. I mean... Literally and figuratively, fuck! Ari Matty dot com. M-A-T-T-I. Get your fucking ticket. The great Estonian assassin Ari Matty. One more time for him. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton, everybody? Jim Norton can't save you. Available everywhere. Unconceivable on YouTube and Jim Norton comedy on YouTube. One more time for Ian Fidance, everybody, is the new travel show, Ian Do. Available at YouTube.com under IanFidanceComedy and IanFidance.com for tour dates. Such a fun episode brought to you by Shopify. We are doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California in May, so come out and see that wherever you are. If you can fly to L.A. and see L.A. Or if you live anywhere near L.A. Come see a real big ass, our biggest Kiltony of all time at the Intuit Dome. Red Band. Check out my big band Cap Red 7 on YouTube. Yes. And other huge announcements coming soon to this live audience. We love you. Thank you, guys. We'll see you next week. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. We'll be right back. Transcription by ESO. Translation by — Thank you.