friendship breakups and boundaries, advice session

Welcome back to Advice Session. A series here on Anything Goes Where You, Yes You, Send In Your Current Dilemmas Or Anything That You Want Advice On And Then I, Yes Me, Give You My Own Professional Advice. And Today's Topic is a Topic that we've touched on many a times here on Anything Goes, and that would be the Topic of Friendship. But More Specifically, Friendship Breakups In Boundaries. Also Known As The Less Fun Part of Friendship. The Fun Part of Friendship is going and getting brunch together, going on a hike together, talking about your crushes together, talking about a funny YouTube video you saw the other day. You know, that's the Fun Part of Friendship. The Not Fun Part of Friendship, Friendship Breakups In Boundaries. Although, I will say, Boundaries are not necessarily not fun. Boundaries can be awesome. And they can actually make a friendship more fun. I would argue. Friendship Breakups on the other hand, not fun. Nothing is fun about that. Long term, there can be relief, but short term, kinda sucks, kinda sucks. Boundaries, more awesome, still kind of uncomfortable. So, we're going to be touching on some of the more uncomfortable parts of friendship today. And I must say, I am getting over the flu still. I've been getting over the flu for like a really long time. And so my voice kind of sounds like shit. Okay, and maybe I also was at karaoke like a week ago too. And my voice has just never recovered. I honestly need to take better care of my voice considering it's my job to talk. But it sounds like shit. And in my defense, I was at karaoke, but I didn't even get on stage and sing karaoke. I literally just watched and sang along. Okay, I sang along. But that was enough to fuck my voice up. In addition to the flu, it's like, I just, my pipes have been off. So ignore that and excuse that. Anyway, without further ado, let's begin. Somebody said, I want to end a friendship because it sucks the life out of me. But my friend doesn't know that because I don't think I make it obvious. So if I brought it up, it might make me seem crazy or seem random. What do I do? Well, this is interesting. It sounds like to me that you've never had a conversation with this friend about whatever it is that makes you this relationship exhausting. You've never brought it up. Now, I don't know what your friend is doing, right? And that is helpful information. But I will say in relationships, confrontation is key. That's what makes relationships grow, evolve. That's what allows relationships to continue through various chapters of life. Right? If you're not communicating and confronting, it's very hard to keep a relationship going. And so I don't know what your friend is doing that sucks the life out of you. And that's a serious statement. I take that very seriously. You know, if this person is sucking the life out of you, that's a big problem and we need to fix that. However, if it's possible and fair to yourself, I think it's not a terrible idea before just jumping ship on the friendship to perhaps maybe bring up the exhausting trade. Qualities about your friend to your friend before you just jump ship. I mean, listen, you got to be, you know, you want to be kind about it. You want to be gentle about it. You want to be empathetic about it. You want to remember that the person that you're confronting is a fellow human being has feelings, even if what they're doing is a bummer. But you could gently, respectfully bring up your grapes with your friend. Find a creative way to do that. And your friend might be like, Oh, I didn't even notice that about myself. I'm so sorry. Wow. Thank you for letting me know. Like you're right. You know, that that's true. I'm going to work on that. And your friend might learn something about themselves through that experience and improve and grow from that experience. And they might from that conversation become a great friend to you once again, that doesn't suck the life out of you. I think if it's fair to yourself and it makes sense in this situation, meaning whatever this person is doing isn't so bad, so bad that, you know, it's like an obvious sort of choice to leave the relationship. I would say bring it up and give them a little chance to resolve it first. See what they do. And if they don't take this as a growth opportunity, if perhaps they're defensive upon the confrontation, if perhaps they're open to the conversation. Perhaps they are open to the criticism, the constructive criticism in the moment, but then they don't actually grow from that. Okay, then you can have a conversation. You can be like, you know what, we've talked about this before. It hasn't really changed. And it's something that really bugs me. And I don't think I can, I can be in your life and the capacity that I'm in it now because I just can't handle that. I'm deaf. That was definitely kind of therapy speak. I don't even go to therapy currently. I don't know where did that come from? But that was sort of therapy speak. But then at that point, it's not coming out of left field. It's not coming out of nowhere. You've already brought this up. Your friend is aware that there's something about them that is challenging for you. Perhaps challenging to many people if it's just a challenging trait in general. And you can feel good knowing that you gave them the chance. You gave them the heads up. And that was the most that you could do. And they are not going to feel like this is coming out of left field, coming out of nowhere. You know what I mean? I think it doesn't hurt to bring it up and see what they do and then go from there. I think that that is potentially a great solution for you. I will say though, if your friend is like doing something really wrong, like being really mean to you, or I don't even know. Doing something that's sort of, that's like super, super fucked up. Saying mean things about you, bringing you down constantly. And you've never brought it up because you're like, I'm just trying to be chill. I'm trying to be a chill friend. I don't want to stir the pot. Well, chances are if your friend is doing something that bad, they know that they're doing that. So if you bring it up, even if it comes out of left field, even if it kind of feels like it's coming out of nowhere. If it's something like that, if you bring it up and you say, you know what, I don't know. I'm like, I really wanted to be friends with you, but you know, you really hurt me in this way. You really suck the life out of me to use your own words. And this is why if it's something that is actually deeply hurtful and not just like, oh, they copy everything I do, or, oh, they always ditch me at parties and go talk to boys, other boys, or like I'm just giving random examples of things that are not ideal, but also not necessarily a complete deal breaker. Those are things that could be worked through. Or it's like, if somebody's not on your team, they're bringing you down, they're saying mean shit about you to your face. They're like trying to bring you down a peg constantly and that's sucking the life out of you. Like that's a huge issue. And yes, I think that that's a valid reason to leave a friendship immediately. But I think if you bring that up, chances are they are going to know that they're doing that. And they're going to be very aware of that. And the second you say it, they're not going to be surprised that you're saying it. So don't be afraid of it coming out of left field. They probably already know that they're doing it. They just can't help themselves. They're in a bad place. They're insecure themselves. They can't help themselves. And you enable it in a way by not confronting it. So they just think that they can continue to do it without repercussions. Yeah. In that case, if it's something like that, you don't have to be worried about what it looks like to them. Or if it's coming out of nowhere, like who cares? They're treating you like shit, like actually like shit. You know, it's not just like an annoyance, like a minor annoyance that may be resolvable or not. Like it's very clear. Like that's not cool. And by the way, you can leave a friendship whenever, for whatever reason, that is completely your prerogative. But my advice would be if it's something or a collection of sort of more minor things, it could be an interesting opportunity to practice your communication skills, teach your friend about themselves a little more, give them an opportunity to grow, and potentially even develop a stronger friendship, maybe. Otherwise, you bring it up. Who cares? And you have a heart to heart about it and go from there. If your friend is like, oh my God, I am such an asshole to you. I'm so sorry. I'm going to try to be better. Hey, that could be awesome. And then you could potentially, you know, you can do without what you want. But if they're not like that, then that's the end of that. I will say, I mean, there also is a way to sort of slowly fizzle a friendship. If a friendship is sucking the life out of you, and maybe in your opinion, in your mind, you're like, bringing this up isn't even going to be helpful. Like sometimes people suck the life out of us that aren't even bad people, you know. Good people can suck the life out of us. Trust me, I've experienced that many times. Sometimes it's just a compatibility issue. If that's the case, it is really hard to bring it up. How do you bring that up? You can't just be like, hey dude, kind of just the way you are sucks. Oh yeah, just your overall aura. Not for me. That's tough. You know, you can't, I don't know how to even bring that up. So if that's the case, and that's why this friend sucks the life out of you, you could try a slow fizzle. You know, I don't love that. I don't love that because I think, I do love communication, but I also know that sometimes it does make more sense to just kind of slowly drift apart, you know. Answers to texts become more and more sporadic, you know, drop a few more excuses to not hang out. I don't love that type of strategy. I would prefer to just say everything to everyone's face, but sometimes that's the way that makes the most sense. If the reason why you want to distance yourself from someone is not because they've done anything wrong, but just because you don't really like their vibe. Oops, oops. Anyway, okay, next. Somebody said, what do I do if I want to move on from being friends with certain people, but I feel like they have a lot of vulnerable and personal information about me, and I'm scared of how they will use that in the future. Oh my God, I could not resonate with something more. This is an anxiety that plagues me all of the time, all of the time. It's funny because I think my career is rooted in my openness to talk about almost anything. And I'm just such an open book by nature. I was like born this way. It's in my blood, it's in my DNA. It's who I am as a person. I just am okay with... I love being vulnerable. I love being open. I love having heart to hearts with people. Like this is what life is about for me. This is like my purpose on this planet, it feels like, is to just have really vulnerable conversations. For whatever reason I was born and I just am not afraid of it, right? I'll talk about anything, anything for the most part. And even if it's something embarrassing, even if it's something really vulnerable, even if it's something that most people wouldn't want to say about themselves, like I don't care, I will pretty much say anything about myself for the sake of human connection. Now, in some ways that's a beautiful thing because we do connect with one another through vulnerability, right? Like think about a time when you're at a party or something and maybe the vibe in the room was a little tense. And then somebody made a vulnerable joke or told a vulnerable story. Next thing you know, the room is moving different. It feels different. People are connecting more. It's, you know, kind of a veil was lifted. Things are a bit more clear. There's a bit more connection happening. That's how it is, you know, like think about the first vulnerable conversation you had with your best friend and how that was the moment that you both really, truly connected for the first time or a romantic partner. The list goes on, you know, like vulnerable conversations are how we connect with other people. You're not connecting with people over small talk. You're not. And so, you know, it's a crucial ingredient in my opinion in any sort of meaningful conversation or relationship, right? Vulnerable conversation, storytelling, admitting to one's shortcomings. The list goes on, right? That's how we connect with each other. Now, that's a beautiful thing. The worst wonders. However, it's also really scary, you know, even though I'm someone who's unbelievably comfortable talking about almost literally anything and everything. Like there are also things where I'm like, that was a private story. You know what I mean? I told that person because I wanted that person to know, but I don't necessarily want everyone to know that. Like even I have my limits as a complete open book. You know, there are just certain things where I'm like, no, I'm good. I want to be more sparing with that. And this is just the nature of friendship, right? You share vulnerable, sensitive information with one another to get closer. And that's what differentiates you with your friends and you with a stranger. You know what I mean? You tell your friends your deepest darkest secrets, right? You're not telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets unless you're drunk and there's a certain like vibe happening. Sometimes it feels good to tell a stranger your deepest darkest secrets. And by the way, I don't always think that that's wrong. Sometimes that's actually a safer option because those people don't know the people in your circle. You know what I mean? It's actually kind of like a vault of sorts. But anyway, I understand this anxiety because not only am I a super open book, meaning that I will probably share more than the average person, putting me in a more vulnerable position than the average person. But on top of that, I'm also an incredibly anxious person. I'm an overthinker. I am a bit obsessive at times. And so I'm sort of set up for failure here because those two qualities definitely clash, right? Because over sharing, or not even over sharing, but being vulnerable puts you in a position where you're a little bit out of control. And being anxious makes you crave control. The problem is that you feel out of control. So those traits of mine definitely clash. So I really relate to this feeling. But the first thing I want to say, which I already really said, is that unfortunately this is sort of an inevitable part of friendship, right? You are going to share vulnerable stories. You are going to talk about things that you don't talk about with other people. You are going to share sensitive information. That's a huge part of friendship. But also it's sometimes necessary for friendships to end. And now you're in a situation where someone that you no longer want to spend time with has sensitive information about you, right? They know things about you that other people don't know. This person's about to become a stranger to you again. And they know things about you that are sensitive to you. The nice thing about strangers usually is that they don't know anything about you. You don't know anything about them. And that's exactly how it is. It's a little bit awkward. It's a little bit weird. It's a little bit uncomfortable. It's a little bit unnerving when there's a stranger that knows a lot about you. You know what I mean? That's uncomfortable. And that is sort of the situation when you stop being friends with somebody. They're about to go back to being a stranger. But this time they know a lot about you. That is not great. That doesn't feel great because the trust is sort of gone. The allegiance is gone. The loyalty is gone. There might even be some hurt feelings. That's the scariest part. Is this person mad that we're not friends anymore? Are they going to go tell everybody about the time I shit myself at my birthday party and then broke up with my boyfriend and then broke my kneecap and then threw up? Are they going to tell everyone about that? Because they're mad? Maybe. They might. In fact, they probably will. They also might not. But they definitely might. That's the hardest part about all this. They definitely might. This is something I have had to come to terms with. It's been really uncomfortable and challenging for me. I've had to accept that in attempt to become close to people in this life, I'm going to tell them stories that then are theirs. They may be like, I'm giving them a piece of myself in a way. If the friendship doesn't work out, it is out of my control completely what they do with that. Now, I think the first step to handling this discomfort is to accept the worst case scenario. A lot of times with anxiety, this is the best approach. Accept the worst case scenario. What's the worst case scenario? This person that you're no longer friends with goes out and tells everyone one of your deepest darkest secrets. What is the worst case scenario from that? Does that secret hurt somebody's feelings? Is it deeply embarrassing? What is it? Then run through the entire scenario. If this person goes and they tell everyone this thing about me or this thing that I said or this thing that I did, that might be information that's a little bit more public. If this calls me to action, I need to do something to solve this. What is my plan? How do I solve this problem? Do I need to call someone up and apologize? Do I need to just accept the fact that people know something embarrassing about me? Work through the worst case scenario. Find a solution. Create a solution. Make a plan for the worst case scenario. You'll realize, okay, this isn't great. This isn't ideal. This isn't fun. I could handle this if the worst case scenario happens. If me and this person stop being friends and all of my secrets get aired out to the world, which probably won't even happen. Maybe they'll tell a few people about a few things. Maybe, if it's even that interesting to them. Maybe, but it probably won't even extend out that far. It'll probably never even get back to you. You'll probably never even know that. You'll never even hear about it. It'll probably never be an issue again. Through your own sanity and peace of mind, take it all the way to the furthest degree. The worst case scenario and then come up with a plan in your head. I will say though too, I'm making people sound bad. They might go around and tell people, yeah, they might tell one of their friends something that you said one time, maybe. I feel like for the most part, people really are good and they don't want to sabotage you. That does happen, sure, but it's not super common. I think at worst, usually, at worst, usually, you might get gossiped about in a small circle, but it won't extend outside of that. Who cares about that? Because here's the deal. You can't stay in a friendship just because someone has sensitive information about you. Listen, I've been tempted. I find that usually what ends up stressing me out is when I've had a heart to heart to somebody about, I don't know, someone else. Not about me. I'm having a heart to heart with somebody about someone else. I'm talking about someone else. Maybe not even necessarily badly, but more like, vulnerably, analytically, whatever. I'm talking about someone else to someone that I'm friends with. Again, it's not even necessarily talking shit, but maybe just talking about someone else in a vulnerable way. Yeah, it's not even in a gossipy way. It's just in like I'm sharing information about somebody else to my friend. That is what ends up making me anxious. I don't really care about stories that I tell about myself. That doesn't really bother me. It's more like, oh, shit, I told this person about... I gave this person information about somebody else. Now I'm uncomfortable because they know this thing about somebody else, and I don't want them to hurt this person. If that makes sense. That's usually what ends up triggering my anxiety and making me afraid. You know what I've had to learn over the years? I really shouldn't do that. I still am working on that. It's like we learn what our boundaries are, what we feel comfortable with, what's okay with us over the years. I'm still working on figuring out what I'm comfortable with, sharing with friends, deep down knowing that at some point we might not be friends anymore, and information that we shared in private and in confidence and in a safe environment might not be safe forever. But it's tough because you don't know what they're going to do with it. You don't know. They might keep it to themselves forever. They might tell all their friends. They might make a fucking tic-tac about it. You don't know. But you cannot remain in a friendship just because you're afraid of the information that they have. You can't do that. You'll torture yourself for no reason too. Because majority of the time, the worst case scenario doesn't even come to pass. It won't even get back to you. This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that one piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people. eBay is where you'll find those one-of-a-kind, can't-stop researching, stay-up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that off the runway, red leather romer that you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway. All of these vines are on eBay. They even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee. eBay is the place for pre-loved, in vintage fashion. eBay. Things people love. Now back to the episode. Okay. To summarize my advice, because that was kind of all over the place. Number one, I would say distance yourself from the friendship in the most kind way possible to leave the littlest amount of resentment possible, right? I think when there's bad blood, there's a higher likelihood of some sort of gossipy situation. But also two, that's going to just create more anxiety and discomfort in you, okay? And number two, learn from this experience and moving forward, have clear boundaries with yourself about what you're comfortable telling friends, knowing deep down that this could happen again. And that's something that I think is an ongoing journey, at least for me. Like I am still learning what I'm okay with telling friends. And it's really hard not to just tell them everything, because when you're friends with somebody, it's like, I love you. You're like my family. Like let me just tell you everything. But this type of shit does happen. But see, I think this is actually a worse situation when it's not your closest, bestest friends in the world, but rather like a friend, but one that maybe you don't trust 100%. It's not like this person's family to you. I think that's the most complicated kind of person in this sort of situation. Like that's usually when it gets really stressful. Next, somebody said, I love my friends, but they always want to hang out. And I just love my alone time so much. How do I set those boundaries without them thinking I'm rude? I don't want them to stop inviting me places, but sometimes I just really need my alone time. Okay, this is not personal, right? This has nothing to do with your friends. You love your friends. You just also sometimes need your alone time. And perhaps your friends have more spare time than you, or they're just more extroverted than you. And so they have more energy to be hanging out more often. Don't even feel guilty about this for a second. You're doing nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong here. This is so easy. And I'm not saying that to like degrade your feelings or to devalue your feelings or to undermine your feelings. I'm saying this to like give you a sense of peace. My God, this is easy. Okay. It's all about the tone you use when you shoot down a plan. It's that simple. Okay. People get weird. People get butt hurt when you're like, oh man, I can't today. Sorry. No punctuation, no emoji, no reassurance, no nothing. Just straight to the point rejection. That's when people start to get a vibe and they're like, wait, is this person mad at me? Does this person not like hanging out with me? Does this person not like us? Like what's the issue? That's when things go wrong is when the tone is wrong, but a little bit of extra effort when it comes to communication can go so far. So I'll give you an example. Let's say all of your friends are going to a carnival and the group chat gets stirring and somebody's like, Hey, I'm going to the carnival tonight. Do you all want to come? Like let's all go. Everyone says yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And you're like, I can't do this tonight. Okay. You could be like, oh, I'm going to skip out, send that into the group chat. Or you could say, oh, I'm GM so bummed. I'm so tired, but I miss you all so much. And I love you all so much and send me photos so I can live vicariously through you all. You see the difference? Like one is like impossible to read. Oh, I'm going to skip out. I'm not going tonight. Oh, I'm too tired. That versus OMGM way too tired, but I love you all so much. Send me photos so I can live vicariously through you. Okay. That is the most reassuring text I've ever heard in my life. I might as well have just wrote a poem. It's so reassuring. You know what I mean? It's borderline. Like it's borderline beautiful because it's so reassuring. It's all a tone thing. You know what I mean? There's like, and you know what? I'm a people pleaser by nature. So I understand this desire to say yes to everything, this fear of like, oh, if I say no, if I don't show up, people are going to think I'm upset or they're going to, you know, whatever. And what I found over the years is if I decline an invitation with love and generosity, okay, if I'm unbelievably warm in the way that I respond, right? I've never once gotten any pushback. No one's ever been like, dude, what? Like are you like trying to like avoid us or something? Like it just doesn't happen because just a few little tweaks that provide some reassurance to your friends can work wonders and make it so that you can decline invitations all you want and no one ever takes it personal. Okay. Next, somebody said, my ex best friend works in the same small industry as me and it's very awkward and uncomfortable. How do I share space with her more comfortably? Okay. I think you have two options here. Option one, you could just address it directly. Okay. This is, this is such Emma advice. This is just what Emma says about everything in regards to relationships. Have a conversation about it. Have a conversation about it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Emma is just a broken record. Here I go again saying the same thing again. Have a conversation about it. Sit your friend down. Invite your friend to lunch. Invite your friend to coffee. Sit your friend down to be like, listen, we both know what's going on here. What's going on here? We were friends. Now we're not. Now we have to be in the same room all the time. It's a little weird. It's a little uncomfortable, which is not a fun feeling to experience. Discomfort is not fun. How do we find a way to coexist here that is comfortable? Let's workshop it together. Let's, you know, get down to the nitty gritty here and figure out what the solution is together as a unit. Okay. That's one, that's one option. Have that conversation with your friend. Right. And only you two can come up with the perfect solution, right? Because I don't know how often you see each other. I don't know why you stop being friends. You know, I don't know if there's any sort of way of being acquaintances, right? Like chill acquaintances where like maybe you could even have lunch together sometimes at work. Like I don't know if that's even an option. It just all depends, right? But I think having a heart to heart about it and coming up with a solution together can be an incredible option. That's honestly such a relief to both of you. You know, yeah, it might be a little bit nerve wracking, a little bit uncomfortable for like the first two minutes. But once you get into the conversation, I think you both will be so relieved that you're just talking about it instead of it being this unspoken thing. I hate unspoken things. I hate it. Get it all out on the table. My God, what a relief. What a fucking relief. What a relief. And that goes for like so many different types of social situations in life, whether it's platonic, romantic, having secrets and stuff. It's painful. It's uncomfortable. So much easier just to like say how you're feeling. Obviously, you got to have, you got to have tact and social cues. Sure. But I don't know. I think we keep a lot of things a secret. We don't address a lot of things that are sort of uncomfortable or a bit weird when we could and it would be much more comfortable for everyone involved. Like I think a lot of times we as humans miss opportunities to make situations that are uncomfortable, way less uncomfortable. Option two, if you don't really feel like a conversation is necessary or you don't think it would be helpful or it's the idea of it makes you way too uncomfortable, you can't even fathom it. Perhaps just change your perspective. Okay. Perhaps it's weirder or more tense than it needs to be because you're putting a lot of energy into thinking about it. Thus giving it this weight in your mind. Perhaps you're building it up into this thing that it doesn't need to be. You're like, oh, this is so weird. Like we were friends. Now we're not. Now we're working together. And we're around each other and we work close and now we're not. It's weird. Maybe it's not that weird. That shit happens all the time. Maybe if you just sort of change your perspective on it, if you used a bit of mindfulness to work on not overthinking it and you just treat your ex best friend with brief politeness and professionalism when you see her, it might slowly just become your new normal. Yeah, it is weird to be besties with somebody and then to become kind of strangers again. Yeah, that is weird. It is also not that big of a deal and it's also not that unusual, right? So that would be my other suggestion. If you really don't want to have a conversation about it, you could just change your perspective and be like, wait, in the grand scheme of life and things, this is not that crazy. This is not that weird. This is not really anything to overthink. Like yeah, it's a little bit uncomfortable that we're in the same environment, but at the same time, stranger things definitely have happened. You know what I mean? It's not that weird. If you both just decide to not make it weird, it won't be weird. You could lead by example in that and you could do that first. But I would say I would suggest to just have a conversation. I think that's a much better option. More enjoyable, easier, less guesswork, less overthinking because weirdly trying to change your perspective on the whole thing could actually also in a way make you think about it even more temporarily, right? But that's my suggestion and I wish you luck. Okay, that's it. That's it for today. Hey, thank you all for listening and hanging out. As always, it's a pleasure. New episodes of advice session every once in a while, usually around once a month these days. Here aren't anything goes. Anything goes is anywhere you stream podcasts. I'm on the internet and I'm a Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet, a Chamberlain coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for spending your valuable, valuable time with me. It is an honor and a privilege and I do not take that for granted and I hope that you know that. I'll talk to you next week.