Savage Lovecast Episode 1001

We all need advice, but it's not always clear who to ask, even in 2026. Sometimes even I don't know where to go for advice, which is why I recommend checking out How To, the long-standing advice show, and 2026 Ambi Award-nominated Best Personal Growth podcast. It's hosted by my friend and award-winning journalist Mike Peska. You might be familiar with Mike's work on the just the longest running daily news podcast. Each week on How To, Mike tackles a listener question, including one of mine, ranging from mental health and finance to relationships and beyond. And he gets help from world-class experts who actually know what they're talking about. Think of it as eavesdropping on someone else's therapy session without the copay or the awkward silence or the stairs. No question is too big or too specific. I was happy again to appear in a recent episode of How To, focused on the topic of how to emigrate as a threpple. How To is a great companion to our show and you will learn something new listening to How To. I always learn something new every time I listen to Mike. So follow How To with Mike Peska on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, and let him know the Lovecasts send you. You're listening to the Sourge Lovecast, Dan Savage's Sex and Relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. Come, come and celebrate the feast of the asshole. Hard and fast, we'll penetrate through the grounds that will amass for it. Taste the holy feast, the climax, soon we'll pass the soul. Come, come and celebrate the feast of the asshole. So happy feast of the ass, everybody. Feast of the ass is tomorrow. Tonight is Feast of the Ass Eve when we leave apples out for Buddy, the feast of the ass donkey. For new listeners, Feast of the Ass was a Catholic holiday. A feast day, the church dropped from the liturgical calendar a couple hundred years ago, and we took it upon ourselves to resurrect that holiday. For centuries, peasants in France celebrated the flight of the holy family into Egypt, Mary and Jesus rode from Bethlehem to Egypt on the back of a donkey, but it wasn't a pious celebration. It was an excuse for peasants to have a debauched party in the middle of January, the dreariest month, because peasants who got to have some fun on feast days were less likely to become peasants who picked up their pitchforks and murdered their feudal lords. So we decided in these increasingly feudal times to bring it back. We needed something in the middle of January to lift our spirits, and with a name like Feast of the Ass and with a listenership like mine, it was a perfect fit last year. So last year we came up with official Feast of the Ass treats, Carol's, the mascot, Buddy the Feast of the Ass donkey, and his sweetheart Rose. And if you are keeping this day holy, if you are presenting a glazed Bundt cake, the traditional Feast of the Ass treat since 2025, to your loved one tomorrow, please know that I am with you in spirit. I hope you enjoy those cakes. And if you want more Feast of the Ass tunes, that was Daniel Mertzluft's hymn to the Feast of the Ass that we played at the top of the show. All of the winners of our Feast of the Ass Carol contest from last year can be found at savage.love.feast. And we'll play one more Feast of the Ass Carol at the end of the show. Now, this is going to be a hard pivot. This is an awkward transition, but this is on my heart. And I really do want to say here on my jokey sex podcast that my heart goes out to the family of Renee Good, especially her wife, Becca, and to their kids. We have a lot of listeners in Minneapolis and St. Paul, and we are so proud of the way the people of the Twin Cities are putting themselves on the line, putting their lives on the line, to defend their neighbors from Trump's ice goons. It's important when shit is bad, especially when shit is this bad, to find and take some comfort where you can. And hey, maybe Feast of the Ass is the comfort you need right now, but the chicken soup my soul needs now and always is a good sex scandal. And three pretty good ones broke over the last week, but they didn't really make the news. They were crowded out of the news because there's so much bad news, hardly room for the sex scandals that used to make big news. So I'm going to Feast on those instead, and I'm going to share them with you in case you missed them, which you probably did. I'm not going to do deep dives. We have an action-packed show to get to, but I'm going to give you a taste and enough details that you can find out more about these sex scandals on your own if you're so inclined. First up, Philip Yancey. Do you know that name? He's a best-selling author. Turns out he's a best-selling author who was really bad at monogamy. You've heard me say on this show many times that if you're with somebody for 50 years and they only cheat on you once or twice, they were pretty good at monogamy. But Yancey, a huge figure in evangelical circles, a huge proponent of monogamous marriage, biblical monogamous marriage, one man, one woman for life, turns out Yancey was cheating on his wife of 50 years for the last eight years of their marriage with a married woman. Cheat once or twice. You're human. You're fallible. Pretty good at monogamy. Not great. Not perfect. No gold star. Maybe a bronze star, but you were okay. Pretty good. Cheat for eight years once or twice a week for nearly a decade, for nearly 20% of your marriage. Yeah, you were bad at monogamy. Christianity Today, Yancey's home base since 1971, published a statement from the author this week in which he confessed his sins and announced his shameful retirement from public life. Christianity Today is the same publication that took me to task, attacked me in 2015 for talking up the idea of monogamous marriages, the idea that couples could be committed to one another, married to one another without having to be entirely sexually exclusive. One of Christianity Today's writers, who I will not name, announced rather unnecessarily that she would not come to my wedding or the wedding of any other gay man if invited. Don't think she's getting invited, but if invited, she would not come because gay men are so bad at monogamy. That's why she wouldn't come to my wedding. So kind of funny to reread this story, taking me to task in light of Yancey's downfall. Turns out I was better at non-monogamy than Yancey was at monogamy. Another story that would have gotten more play this week if we weren't living through the end times, Butt Plugs to Bahrain. Sounds like it could be a lost Bing Crosby Bob Hope road movie. You'll have to google that. Road to Morocco, Butt Plug to Bahrain, CTV News in Canada, reports that a small indie sex shop in Toronto, Bonjibon toys, got a letter, it got two actually, from the pentafucking gone, from the United States Department of War, ordering the little Canadian sex shop that could send and had sent Butt Plugs to Bahrain to stop sending Butt Plugs to American military service members stationed in Bahrain, the tiny island kingdom in the Persian Gulf with a giant US Navy base on it. The owners of Bonjibon do not have to take orders from Pete Hague Sath or the Department of War, at least think don't yet. So here's helping Bonjibon keeps shipping those Butt Plugs to Bahrain. US military personnel in Bahrain are not allowed to drink, have extramarital sex, dress immodestly, or ride bicycles no-handed. They need something to do. And hey, a lot of Canadians are mad at us right now and rightfully so and seems to me there are worse ways for Canadians to tell Americans to go and shove it. Finally, remember the Senate twink? The Democratic Senate staffer who made a sex tape in the Senate hearing room that somehow made it onto the internet and was a big sex scandal in 2023. Well, there's a new Senate-adjacent twink in DC according to the Daily Mail. Preston Para is an openly racist, proudly racist demon twink who's worked for Donald Trump and is currently backing the Senate campaign of Republican Trump or Mike Collins in Georgia, all the while posting racist memes to social media along with crotch shots and his goal of assembling a harem for himself of hot male twinks. Ah, these gay Trumpers, man. Those who do not remember the past are bound to repeat it and clearly none of the homos in DC fucking around with Trump like this Preston Para twink remember Ernst Rome or know who he was or what happened to him. But one day, if these MAGA twinks keep fucking around, they're going to find out what happened to Ernst Rome when it happens to them. All right, coming up on this week's show, a couple of calls from listeners who are concerned about their nephews. I am not calling them nibblings, not going to do it, hate that word. One caller wonders if she should load up the home computer with ethical porn for her nephew to find and another caller wants to convince his pregnant sister not to have the boy she's expecting circumcised because in the caller's opinion, uncut cock is way more fun, which is just not how you frame a conversation with your sister about her unborn child's dick. And then on the magnum investigative journalist Ellen Hewitt is here to talk about her new book, Empire of Orgasm, about a female masturbation cult out of, where else, California. All that's coming up on today's show and coming up later this week, we're going to have a new after action report for you and Claire Perlman joins me for a very special episode of not sex and politics, sex and television. Claire Perlman joins me for a deep dive conversation about, yes, heated rivalry. Claire and I get into the sexual politics of heated rivalry, who that story belongs to, whether it's an accurate portrayal of gay male relationships, whether it's a sapphic story, a straight girl's story, whether it's biphobic, all of that coming up on the next Sex and Politics, which will pop up in your feeds, or Sex and Television is recalling this one, which will pop up in your feeds on Thursday. All right, Nancy, let's get to the first call. This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code SAVAGE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by Begicated, the leading platform for pleasure-based sex education for adults. Begicated brings pleasure-based sex education right to your bedroom or wherever you want to learn about pleasure-based sex with over 100 online courses from the world's top experts. Right now, click the link in the show notes and go to begicated.com to take their quiz and start your personalized pleasure journey. This episode is brought to you by Bubbs Naturals, collagen peptides for joint health, mobility, healthy hair, skin, and nails, and faster gym recovery. Right now, to get 20% off, go to bubsnaturals.com and use code SAVAGE. Dan, a quickie, hopefully in time for the feast of the ass. In an effort to prevent the precipitating a UTI when going from eating ass to eating pussy, would a swish and spit using a commercial off-the-shelf mouthwash be sufficient to kill any of the potential nasties from being transferred? If so, I envision pre-staging a Dixie cup of mouthwash on the nightstand to not break the mood or flow of the moment. You might need to consult one of your medical experts for the answer. I don't need to consult one of my medical experts, I just need to consult. Common sense. Wouldn't hurt possibly to use a little mouthwash if you're going from ass to pussy, but the issue isn't necessarily limited to the bacteria or nasties that are in your mouth, in your oral cavity. It's the nasties, the bacteria, I don't want to use the word shit, but the shit all over your face, it's on your lips, on your nose, on your cheeks, on your chin. If you're really in there eating someone's ass, bacteria are getting smeared all over your face. So just rinsing out your mouth if you're going to really, really, really want to go from ass to pussy, ain't enough. You're going to have to wash your face. So it's not a Dixie cup on the nightstand that you need, it's at the very least a washcloth or a quick trip to the bathroom to rinse your mouth out with that mouthwash and wash your fucking face. Or you could just go from pussy to ass while you go down on someone as God intended and when you get to the ass, stay there. Hi Dan, my nephew is starting to ask questions about and possibly starting to try and access online pornography. I had a question about accessing equitable, ethical feminist porn. So when I was young, I had access to the early internet and it was a shit show of content that has definitely affected my sexuality. I was thinking back on what I wish I'd had access to and the first thing I thought of was content that creators like Erica Lust and her team of people make. And then I thought, what if there was a subscription in the household that my nephew was in and they're already having discussions around, you know, the things that are important that are tricky, like the lack of showing them before and after conversations, after care, communication, like this is kind of on the table for discussion. But I was wondering if, you know, imagine like a family iPad, one of them had a subscription attached somehow and it was just mentioned that like, hey, if you're going to go searching, this is a place you can go that the people are all consenting, they're having a good time, they're being paid, they're taking care of each other, it's queer friendly, all of those things. Women are treated well so that he grows up with a bit of a comparison like his foundation allows him to see when porn from other places doesn't always meet standards that I would hope he would have in his life, but it's complex. Obviously, I don't want to buy a child an access to a porn site, but he's going to find it anyway in the same way that I did and that all of us have probably done in our scrambled queries online. What do you think about something like this? Imagine the family iPad, a very sticky family iPad where the teenage boy in the house is encouraged to go watch ethically produced porn and imagine a box of alcohol wipes that are kept near the family iPad so it can be wiped down occasionally, regularly, between uses. What do I think about this? Getting a subscription to ethically produced porn and allowing a minor access to it. I think it makes me uncomfortable to think about it, makes me uncomfortable to talk about it, but the reality is that people, children, minors, encounter, as you did as a child, tons of pornography on the internet that is some of very shocking, a lot of it unethically produced, some of it illegal, and that just tsunami of porn that can crash over a child who has access to the internet as almost all children do it can have lasting negative impacts. We've just heard too many stories now from people who were eight, 10, 12 years old who first got online and their natural curiosity and understandable curiosity about sex intersected with just the horror show that certain corners of the internet are and they were exposed to stuff before they could understand it, before they could filter it, before they even knew who they were or what they liked and having all of those images come at you, all that video come at you can be not great, but you also, how do you prevent a kid from getting online and seeking that stuff out if they want to seek that stuff out? Almost impossible, we are wrestling with that now, directing a kid toward a website, getting a kid or getting a household so you can step around the issue of getting it for a kid, getting a household, a subscription to a porn site and making sure this kid knows and there is porn here on this iPad, on this website, Eric Alast or make love not porn, there are great examples of porn platforms and production companies that produce ethical pornography where performers are treated well, where the discussions around consent, the aftercare is often a part of the production and is shown. I think that could be good, just like I think buying a vibrator or a dildo for a 15 year old or 16 year old as opposed to letting that kid you know, borrow or steal mom's vibrator as sometimes happens or experience, experiment with insertion using household implements that are unsafe potentially, that is also an option, that it makes us uncomfortable as quicky to even think about buying a dildo for a child, buying a vibrator for your 15 year old daughter, well yeah, I think I know there are parents out there who have done that because their 15 year old was stealing sex toys from their parents and putting them back and that wasn't good for anybody, that was the family vibrator version of the family iPad, a little squeaky, hopefully alcohol wipes were involved but it makes us uncomfortable to think about. Do you know what? I am more comfortable thinking about an adolescent coming to their sexuality who has a trusted adult in their life who says there's this one site, you don't have to tell them that you subscribed to it for them, if there's just this one site that on a family computer or iPad that iPad is already signed into, they don't have to know that you purchased the subscription specifically for them but like there is this one site, if you're curious, if you're looking at porn, this is a good place to look at porn, you don't have to feel bad about it because the people in it aren't being abused, as squeaky as that is, it's less squeaky than just abandoning this kid to the wilds of the internet and to all the terrible porn out there, even though a kid having access to a family iPad that has make love not porn or air a cholesterol on it doesn't mean that kid won't also go looking elsewhere, just like getting your kid who's experimenting with penetration, an appropriate penetration toy with a flared base won't stop your kid also potentially from experimenting with other things that they shouldn't but maybe it makes them a little less likely to is good but it makes us uncomfortable to even talk about it because we're talking about children and children's sexuality and that's always uncomfortable for adults to talk about. But what do I think? Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable, that's what I think to talk about this. I do think given the alternatives, just letting this kid find his own way, I do think it's a good idea and I think you should do it. It's 2026 and it is time to get slick or something. Your website should look good and it should work well and believe you me, the best way to achieve this is through Squarespace. They make it easy to build a website, blog or online store and Squarespace is loaded with features to help you grow your business or creative project too. Squarespace has state-of-the-art design tools so anyone can build a classy professional looking online presence that fits your vibe, get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated site map and more so you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. We use Squarespace for my band and there is no way we would have been able to figure this out ourselves. Squarespace just does it and if video is a part of your venture, Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your work, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a pay wall. Make some money, why don't you? Head on over to squarespace.com slash savage for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash savage and use the offer code Savage. Hi Dan, a queer married lady in her mid 40s on the west coast. I am happily married to my husband who is a trans mask guy and we both really enjoy having sex with cis men. Sometimes we do that together, we enjoy that, sometimes we do it separately, sometimes we like different people but my questions around his engagement with hookup apps. I tend to be more demmy, I go out and vet a person over a walk or coffee and exchange STI information and I like to do all those things before I happen to bed with someone. He's much more comfortable with just sharing some photos, some texts and you know, hooking up in a public place or going to someone's house and it makes me terrified. It doesn't make me feel jealous or worried that our relationship is threatened. It makes me worried that his physical safety is at risk and he's my important person, he's my cherished one and I don't know how to reconcile his strategies with my comfort. I don't want to yuck his yum. I know that he's not interested in really detailed relational exchanges with people. He doesn't want a boyfriend, he just wants to occasionally suck a dick and get fucked. I love that for him as long as nobody fucks with him. So I know there's no guarantees, there's no safety that's promised to any of us but I just wonder how I can get over my anxiety spiral that happens if there's some good agreements that you could recommend. How do we get to the place where we both feel good about our strategies? You hook up with men, you're a cis woman. The men you hook up with are willing to jump through the hoops to get into your pants as they should be. They're willing to meet up with you for coffee or for a drink and you describe yourself as demi. You want that not just to vet the guys to get an impression about whether you'd be safe with them but you want to establish some sort of emotional connection and that's part of the eroticism of these hookups or of your hookups, of your outside sexual experiences for you. Your husband is a different animal and the pool from which your husband is drawing potential male partners, it's a very different pool for your husband. Part of the eroticism, part of what makes us sexy for him, probably is the near anonymity of it all, that he gets on the apps, finds some guy who wants to fuck him or wants him to blow him and has a brief, as brief an exchange as possible and then suddenly has a dick in his mouth, a dick attached to a guy that he knows next to nothing about, a dick that is just dick and it's not about intimacy or connection, it's about the eroticism of this act and if that's what makes it sexy for your husband, there's no way to retcond this for your comfort because there's something essential to the eroticism of hookups the way your husband enjoys them that would leave you if it were you feeling unsafe and it is fine for you to be concerned for his health and for his safety and it is completely legitimate for you to have concerns for his health and his safety and so the conversation you should have with him is not you should go out to coffee, you should do all these things that I do so that I feel better about the guys I hook up with so that I can then also feel better about the guys you hook up with, you need to have a conversation with your husband about the red flags that he looks for and how he vets guys and how he if he needs to extract himself from a situation that does feel unsafe if he shows up at some guy's place and the guy doesn't look like his pictures or there are other people around in the apartment, does he turn and leave? Does he not succumb to his socialization earlier in his life as a woman to defer to the feelings of men and does he just get the fuck out even at risk of saying no to a man, a cis man or hurting that cis man's feelings and maybe if you knew more about his strategies and how he vets and how he protects himself you'd feel better about the different way in which he goes about getting dick different to how you go about getting dick and the different kind of dick he's getting, you're out there getting dick from people who are interested in women who understand that women are going to be choosier often for their own safety and require the men that they sleep with to jump through a few more hoops. That's not the prevailing culture among communities of men who have sex with men, gay men, bi men, guys on the down low and millions and millions of gay guys suck up every day. There are the nightmare stories you read about them where somebody arranged to hook up on grinder and got assaulted or robbed or killed. That can happen but it is rare when you compare those incidents to the numbers of guys who are on the apps hooking up all the time. It is rare, rarer I would argue than women being murdered by their male partners, their boyfriends, their husbands, guys they've been dating. So yeah, like you said there are no guarantees and you both are rolling your dice and moving your mice and taking the risks that you're taking. I don't think your husband hooking up with guys the way he hooks up with guys is taking an unreasonable risk. There are steps you take to protect yourself when you hook up with other men. There are, I assure you, steps your husband is taking when he hooks up with other men. They're tinier steps, less elaborate, less drawn out than the steps you take but I'm sure he takes steps to protect himself. You should have a conversation with him about what those steps are and then maybe you'd be a little bit more comfortable with what he's doing. And then when he tells you what the steps are that he takes, you'll just have to trust him and trust the universe and the odds. The odds are really good that your husband is going to get the dick that he wants to get when he wants to get it with the assistance of the apps. The odds that he will experience violence are very, very slim. They're not zero just as they aren't for you, not zero but very, very, very slim. He's not going to move through the world the same way that you move through the world and you'll just have to will yourself to be fine with that. This episode is brought to you by Bubbs Naturals. Collagen peptides are a blend of types one and three collagen. These work together to support the health of bones, joints, skin and connective tissues. So if like me, you got a little sedentary over the holidays and you want to get back to your fitness goals, making Bubbs a part of your 2026 health routine, that's going to help you get there faster. Collagen is often referred to as the glue that holds our bodies together so you can imagine that a decline in collagen production as you age has some big impacts on your body. Bubbs helps restore collagen levels closer to what your body naturally had in its youth so your joints like mine feel stronger, your hair and nails are healthier and your skin looks smoother. Unlike other collagen products, there's no junk in Bubbs, zero sugars, sweeteners or fillers. It's also third party tested NSF certified for sport and whole 30 approved so you know it's clean and trustworthy and it's sustainably sourced from grass-fed pasture raised cattle. In mixed diseases, seamlessly dissolves in coffee water or smoothies without taste or clumps. Live better, live longer and look better while you do it by kicking off 2026 with Bubbs. Bubbs is running a huge New Year New Year sale plus for a limited time only our listeners are getting 20% off at Bubbs Naturals by using the code SAVAGE at checkout. Just head to bubsnaturels.com and use the code SAVAGE at checkout and you're all set. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them, please let them know you heard about them on the Lovecast and support the show. Hi Dan, I'm a 46 year old cisgender gay male from Toronto. Ever since my mid 40s, I started having really big loads when I ejaculate. They're pretty hot, they can get all over my chest, sometimes to my chin. It's a bit impressive if I must say so but I have this issue that whenever I'm actually hooking up with guys, I tend to get too much into my head and I'm unable to come. Specifically, if there is any questions from them like your clothes or like I want you to come, come now, it's almost like my brain goes into panic mode and then I just can't come. It's been quite a few years that this is happening to me. It's happened so often that I started experiencing dry orgasms, which to me they feel amazing. They're so super intense and very, very pleasurable. It's just there is no come. Some guys don't even believe me that I'm experiencing the dry orgasms. So I guess my question is how can I get out of my head, be able to relax and share my big loads with this man that I'm hooking up with? So the issue here isn't that you are worried you're going to drown someone by accident. You're not hesitant to come because your loads are so big. You just have standard issue off the shelf getting in your own head, performance anxiety, where the guy is ready for you to come and when he indicates that he'd like you to come, makes it harder for you to actually ejaculate, makes it harder for you to have that orgasm. So how do you get out of your head? Well, you could have a pot edible maybe. The quickest cure, I think for performance anxiety is to adjust the other person's expectations about what your performance is going to be. And so if you're going into a hookup and you tell the guy, look, sometimes I come when I hook up and the sex is great. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have orgasmic contractions, kind of a dry orgasm. And I love that feels really great. Sometimes I blow these huge loads. It's just really variable. My dick is all over the map, but I love sex and I want you to come if you want to come and I want to have this hookup. And then the guy will be there, not expecting you necessarily to come, not expecting as a lot of people expect and encounters sexual encounters with men for it to end with the guy having the orgasm or that it's his job to make sure the guy has his orgasm. So he makes good on his end of the deal keeps up his end of the deal. You'll relax and he'll relax and the sex will end when it ends and maybe it will end with you coming and maybe it won't. And there's something magic about that, adjusting someone's expectations when it comes to a kind of standard issue off the shelf performance anxiety, like the kind that you're experiencing, where if you say to somebody like, ah, sometimes when I get fucked, I'm hard. Sometimes when I get fucked, I'm not hard. Sometimes when I get fucked, I come. And sometimes when I get fucked, it's just about getting fucked and the experience. And you say that because sometimes you're really so nervous about whether you're going to get hard when you're getting fucked that you don't get hard. You say that and suddenly you're hard every time you get fucked because you're freed from the burden of their expectations and you're much less likely to get trapped in your own head, worried about whether you're disappointing that person by not doing what they expected you to do. And if that person expectation isn't that you're necessarily going to blow a massive load all over them or in them, then they and they're still down to hook up with you. Then they won't be disappointed if that doesn't happen and they'll be delighted if it does. And either way, you win. So pot edible or adjust those expectations or both. So, if you're a senior student, you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to get into your own life and you're going to be able to take control of your pleasure journey and Beggiccated can help. So, for the new year, try something new. Let Beggiccated unlock new levels of pleasure and help you explore your desires in a judgment-free environment. One of the standout features of Beggiccated is the variety of courses they offer from passionate intimacy to adventurous play, from Tantra to kink, there's something for everyone. You can choose to learn on your own or with your partner and their content is inclusive, embracing all races, sexual orientations, and gender identities. They also have a great quiz that recommends a personalized roadmap of courses for you based on your interests. Right now, click the link on the show notes and go to Beggiccated.com to kick off your personal pleasure journey. Hey, Dan. I just have a question about fucking. I have a partner that is concerned that I can't organize them in his ass and I was looking for some advice. I was thinking that maybe a sleeve would help me. I have a pretty normal size stick. It's about seven inches long and four and a half inches around. My partner has sort of a prolapse anus and it seems a little loose when I try to fuck him. And although he orgasms, I can't. It just doesn't seem to be enough friction. I was wondering if a sleeve would help me, not so much him. He's not really having a problem. But just to give me a little more friction when we're fucking. I've never used one before. I've never had a problem like this before. I'm 71. He's 68. So I'd appreciate any kind of advice that you can give me. My, what a youthful voice you have for a 71-year-old. That detail there at the end came as kind of a shock to me. You sound like you're in your 30s. Look, I think the most important thing to do here is protect your husband's ego and his feelings. And going to your husband and saying, the reason I can't come in your ass easily or reliably, it's because, oh my god, girl, you are so loose. It's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. The odds that that would devastate him emotionally, potentially, are so high that it's just not the sort of thing you say to someone that you love and telling him, hey, I think I have a fix here, which is stuffing a cock's sleeve up your ass. So it's a little tighter for me. You know your husband better than I do. You know how he might feel about toys. Maybe he's loose because he loves getting fisted or used to love getting fisted and love taking two fists and love that stretched open feeling. And there are definitely guys out there who are into big toys who've gotten off on being fucked with a dick while there was another toy in them or another fist in them or two fists in them. And maybe your partner's one of those guys. So the thought of adding a toy to the mix, your dick in his ass, but your dick in a sleeve and that sleeve in his ass and the sleeve and your dick in his ass, maybe that would turn him on. You know him better than I do. But if that doesn't sound like something that your partner would want to hear or would take well, I would urge you not to go there, not to say that thing you can't easily un-say to your partner. And perhaps instead, if he wasn't a toy guy, if he isn't a toy guy, if he's not a stuff me wide open, get the kitchen sink up there and the pots and pans, if he's not that guy, instead of making the problem his ass, just like take it upon yourself as an act of love and devotion. Make it not a him problem. You're so loose. You're so pro-labs. But a you problem. Hey, I'm 71 years old. Takes me a little longer to get there. I may need to once in a while. I can stay hard. I can fuck you. Fuck the shit out of you until you come. But for me to get to say it with me, everybody, the point of orgasmic inevitability, I got to stroke myself a little bit and then stroke yourself to the point of orgasmic inevitability and then dive back in and blow that load in your husband in a way that pleasurable for you. You still get to have your orgasm and doesn't make him feel like there's something wrong with him, that it's a him problem or his butt problem. But just what your dick needs now to get you all the way there is your right hand for a minute. Unless, again, unless your partner's kind of pro-toys. It could be that your partner is as loose as he is for reasons that have nothing to do with sexual adventures in his youth involving toys and fists. But if that's why he's as loose as he is, well, then maybe you could risk bringing up stuffing a cock's sleeve up his ass. But if not, he's never been a toy guy. You know, sometimes caring is sparing. And this would be one of those times. And the way you show your care for him is by sparing him the detail that he's so loose that you can't come in him and you jack yourself off, point of orgasmic inevitability, shove back in and come in him. Hey, Dan Nancy in the Tech Savvy at Risk Youth. I'm a 33 year old by a guy in Magnum sub and I live in Ontario, Canada. My question for you is my sister lives across the country in Vancouver and is pregnant with her second child. She is having a boy, her first child's a girl, and I was wondering how I could talk to her about circumcision. We previously have never talked about this, so I'm not sure where she and her husband stand on the subject, but they are fairly religious. For reference, we were raised in a non-Southern Baptist church and I was circumcised as an infant. This is something I quote unquote, resent my parents for doing. I love the look of an uncircumcised penis and most of my arguments are from a personal perspective of a circumcised penis lacking form and function. I want to suggest to her to leave her kids' junk alone and let them decide what to do with their foreskin when they're older, but I don't want to come across as a creep thinking about her kids' genitals. This would be a permanent choice her and her husband would be making on behalf of their kid, and I liken it to general mutilation. This is also not something I want to turf my relationship with my sister over. Do you have any ideas on how to broach this subject? Will I sound like a creep regardless of how I oppose this perspective to her? It's been something that's been on my mind for a while and I could use your help coming up with some ideas. Seeing as only roughly 30% of male newborns in Canada are circumcised at birth, you could risk keeping your fucking mouth shut here and saying absolutely nothing and odds are your nephew will not be circumcised. You can though, if your conscience demands it you could say something to your sister, but I would urge you to keep it brief and try not to frame the argument around your experiences personally with circumcised versus uncircumcised cock and your preference for uncircumcised cock. Criteria which are irrelevant when it comes to the subject of your nephew's cock, which is not a cock you are ever going to personally experience in any way. So stick to me statements that I prefer uncut cocks. Just say to your sister in a private moment alone with her. Don't know what you and your husband have decided to do, but just wanted to say mom and dad had me circumcised and I kind of wish they didn't period the end, not going to bring this up ever the fuck again, but I just wanted to say that. And then if your sister wants to have a longer more involved conversation about it, I guess you could, but you don't have to and she may not want to. And you may discover that they've already decided not to have him circumcised as 70% of new parents in Canada have already decided not to have their newborn male infants circumcised. This could be a non-issue. Yeah, you could err on the side of keeping your mouth shut here about your nephew's cock, but I know lots of guys out there who are circumcised who wished they weren't circumcised. And I feel like if you were circumcised and you feel like that was done to you without your consent, that's a legitimate issue to address, to bring up as awkward as it might be to address and bring up with family members who are about to give birth to male children. But keep it brief and don't, don't suggest that a circumcised dick lacks form. I have seen many perfectly lovely circumcised dicks in my day or they're unfunctional. I have seen plenty of circumcised dicks and they have functioned, at least in my presence, they've functioned. So just leave that out of it. Mom and dad had me circumcised, wished they didn't, just wanted to say that out loud and now I'm going to shut my mouth forever about it. That's what you could say to your sister. I was on vacation with my wife and her lover, which happens to be persistent law and they've been lovers for about 14 years. We were on vacation in a tropical location, a pretty but masculine woman, again to flirt with, my wife and my wife is a very strong woman, very beautiful woman. And she responded back to her, we went to a club, I stayed up front in the bar and before I knew it, my wife was missing and so was my sister-in-law. They were going for about an hour and a half to the back of the club and I just waded up there trusting them to do the right thing, what they wanted to do. And they came back up and the lesbian girl kissed my sister-in-law for a real deep cut and now her throat just and then kissed my wife the same way. I had never asked my wife what they did back there in the back room, but I can only imagine. And I just wonder what you think about that whole situation. Does it matter what I think of this situation? All I really think, all I found myself sitting here wondering about was who's the sister-in-law, who's sister is the sister-in-law, your wife's lover is her sister-in-law, which I guess could mean your wife's lover is your sister or your wife's lover is a sibling of hers is married to someone and that siblings female spouse is your wife's sister-in-law, but then later in the call you refer to this sister-in-law is also your sister-in-law. So I'm just I'm lost in the sister-in-law weeds here. I just can't quite track how this interlocking sequence of relationships quite interlocks. But what do I think? I think your wife and her girlfriend of 14 years, her sister-in-law, who might also be your sister-in-law, so therefore isn't your sister, I think they went back there and had sex with that lesbian in that dark room in that club on that Caribbean island. I think that's obvious. I think you were kind of cucked by a dyke on vacation who took your wife away and your wife's lover, her sister-in-law and also your sister-in-law and ditched you at the front of the bar for 90 fucking minutes. They fucked back there. They scissored or they ate pussy or they ground or whatever it was that they were able to do hopefully without getting onto a dirty floor. They did it. How do I feel about it? What do I think they did? I don't have any feelings about it. If you're okay with it, then I'm okay with it. Did it turn you on? Were you angry? You don't say what feelings being ditched in the bar for 90 minutes by your wife and this sister-in-law that she's been fucking for 14 years and this other woman, you don't mention having a feeling about it one way or another, which leads me to believe you may be fine with it. Maybe you're calling into brag that you got cucked on vacation so hard by your wife who hooked up with the sister-in-law and this dyke and you just want the world to know. Sometimes public humiliation is hot. Maybe you were publicly humiliated. Maybe you wanted to be more publicly humiliated by getting onto the savage love cast with this story of, I don't know, is it a story of woe? Are you feeling woeful about this? The only person who really knows, well, the only persons who know what happened back there are your wife, her sister-in-law, slash lover, and this dyke that you're never going to see ever again. So you can't ask her, which means you're going to have to ask your wife. If I was in your shoes and I've kind of sort of been in your shoes, I would just ask my spouse when they returned, hey, what happened back there? That's how you find out what happened back there? And then call me, call us back when you ask your wife what happened back there. And once you know, tell us, tell us how you feel or felt about it. How I feel or felt about it is entirely irrelevant. All right, time for listener feedback. I am as ever going to read a few of the comments. Listeners left in the comment threads about last week's show. But first I want to say thank you. There were so many kind and wonderful comments in the comment thread this week congratulating us on our 1000th episode and so much love for all of our guest experts and for Nancy and for Terry. And I really can't tell you how much it means to us. I can just say thank you again. So thank you. All right, onto the comments says Ted the bellhop to the lady looking to add a little spice to her vanilla sex life. Go to a brick and mortar sex shop, look at the toys and movies and don't be afraid to point out things to each other that look interesting. That's great advice Ted. And hey, if you are in Minneapolis, go to smitten kitten. If you're not Minneapolis, follow smitten kitten on Instagram. In addition to doing great work for their customers, smitten kitten is helping to organize their community. But please note there are no glory holes at smitten kitten. Do not show up at smitten kitten looking for a glory hole because they do not have one says by Dan fan. Thank you for saying group sex is vanilla sex, Dan. Also standing up and being counted as a woman who's had DP that is double penetration sex as a part of that vanilla group sex I've had. To the caller curious about double penetration. If you don't have two men handy, you can get a similar sensation by having your partner use a dildo in one hole and his dick in the other. Have fun says Jojo Z to the belly button caller. Yes, I have this as well. I became aware of it when a friend in high school mentioned that when his belly button is touched, it felt weird in his groin, but not in a good way. So of course I did what Dan and Nancy did when they heard that call from the woman who's clit tingled when she touched her belly button and tried it myself. And indeed, the feeling is like a pinprick somewhere in the urethral clit region of my female anatomy. And finally says BGM for the caller interested in lingerie for men. More straight men should try things with straps like jock straps and harnesses. Gay men like both those things because jock straps tease the package while outlining the butt and harnesses outline and emphasize the chest and shoulders. And men in the 1980s gay and straight wore crop tops to look sexy paired with calf socks crop tops serve a lingerie type function crop tops in the summer that means crunches in the spring. Our community has made savage.love the one and only place on the internet where you should read the comments. So if you have something to say about something I said on this week's show or you're curious to see what other listeners are saying about whatever it is I said on this week's show, dive into the comment threads at savage.love. And now savage love listeners who left voicemails on our answering machine about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show. Hi Dan, absolutely thrilled to comment to both you and Mike Peska, two of my favorite podcasters of all time in defense of 69 as a sexual act. 69 can be great. I think you're looking at it wrong. It requires the geometry of the two people to line up right. So genitals and mouth for both people are connected well and comfortably. But the goal of it is not orgasm but rather a sensuous feast that you can enjoy. Part of the sensuous feast is the bodies connected together along with both people's genitals being simultaneously pleasureed. But it's not in search of an orgasm. Hey Dan, congratulations on the 1000th episode. I really enjoy your show. Just a comment on the color who inquired about women and double penetration. You don't have to have multiple partners to have double penetration. You can have two toys. You can have one toy and one partner. Hi Dan, Nancy and the tech savvy youth. I just finished listening to the 1000th episode and I can't tell you how exciting it was to hear Terry come on the Lovecast as a guest. I have been a listener since the very first episode and what a change from when we couldn't talk about Terry to today where Terry actually came on the Lovecast. It was really beautiful to hear a little bit of your relationship together and I just thought it was such a sweet little moment to have you both on there. So congratulations and keep on keeping on. And we are going to leave it there on this our 1000th and one show. Got a sex question for me? Got a relationship problem? Go to savage.love.com. Ask Dan to record and upload your question directly onto our website or you can make a voice memo on your very own phone and email us your question or your comment by sending it to Q at savage.love or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our landline. Hump is back in theaters this spring with an all-new lineup of 24 sexy, creative, fun, inventive films made by real people. The spring season of Hump, the world's best dirty little film festival, kicks off in Portland next month before touring to more than 40 cities across North America and Europe. You need to experience Hump where it was meant to be experienced and that is in a theater. There is nothing like watching porn sitting next to strangers in the dark in a movie theater the way your great grandparents used to watch porn. Head to humpfilmfest.com to get your tickets to the sexiest, dirtiest little film festival in the world. Follow me at Blue Sky at Dan Savage, follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage, follow Ellen Hewitt on Twitter at Ellen Hewitt and you can learn more about her work and get her terrific new book which someone is surely adapting for television right now at her website EllenHewitt.com, the book again, Empire of Organza. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at-risk youth. We will all be back at you next week for installment of The Savage Love Cast. Thank you for downloading and happy fees to be asked. Oh with asses of note there's you are and bottom for too many years but he's all but forgotten when Christmas is over and new years has passed we celebrate by the ass everybody it's time for the feast of the ass at the feast of the ass we sing this ballad then we munch on a nice tossed salad dessert is bundt cake with gaping crevasse that's drizzled with glaze from body the ass bodies well rounded cheeky and funny comes as no surprise he has some special fun open to friends only to lovers body box rosy more than any other she's jolly and that just like her buddy and it's a probable pair who would like to get nutty but he's got maxi rosy we love to see rose and bud at the feast of the ass when Christmas is over and new years has passed we celebrate body body the ass this episode of The Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste the volume and the overall health of your semen. 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