The Adventure Zone Versus Robin Hood: Live in Portland!

Dear diary! Shhh! Quiet diary! I need to speak! Dear diary! How are you? I am fine. Thank you for asking. Lord knows I'm no angel. I've committed a lot of crimes. Ah! I eat people! But the one thing I've never done is steal. The worst crime there is. Not like that Robinwood. That's one. One big jack-off! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Welp! I should probably let you go. TTF in! Tata for now! TTF! TTF! TTF! TTF! TTF! Hi everybody. I don't want to talk about my tiny axe today. I wanted to get out in front of it when I bought it on Amazon to have it delivered here. It sure looked bigger in the pictures. Ah, classically I pay $30 for the one from God of War, but it is not a great axe as it only has one blade, so I want to get a great axe. I don't think anything but great. In fact, I'd say it's just... Seems like you want to talk about it a fucking lot, actually. No, I don't think any of us are going to bring it up. I learned from being Husky in middle school that if you say it first, the bullies won't pick on you. So let me just say I have a little axe. Look at the size of my weapon! Yeah. Dad, by the way, the first attack of the game has already happened. It was against my glass of wine, which Dad hit with his sword. And it was a crit, and I lost a lot of good wine on this table, which is... I know, it's tragic. Don't worry about it. Alright, use my sweat rag already. Thank you so much. Hi, everybody. Tonight we'll be playing Taz... Well, today, this afternoon, we'll be playing Taz vs. and I'm going to be your dungeon master, Travis McElroy. Travis, I got to say... Admirable Dracula. Thank you very much. I admire it. It was really just my boorest voice that I use when I'm reading Vampirina books to my kids. Yeah, sure. So that's your James Van Der Beek impression. Yeah. Nailed it. True, look at that. If we could get through this part of the show as quickly as is humanly possible. Yeah, you got it. You got it. My name is Justin McElroy. Thank you so much for having me. We didn't say our names. I said mine. I'm Justin McElroy still. You can't change it. It's immutable. Tonight I'll be portraying the role of Lady Godwin, who hates Dracula. But he's dead now. I am and forever will be Clint McElroy. And tonight I'll be playing the role of Brother Philo in the body of Pinocchio Don't Ask. I'm Griffin McElroy. I usually run this fucking thing, but this time I'm going to be a different character. And the reason I'm so sweaty is because of the character. It'll make sense in a little bit. And again, the faster we get to that, the happier I will be in the long run. Thanks. Let us weave. Yes, please weave, Master. Set me free. A non-canonical amount of time has passed since the end of Taz Dracula. And non-canonically, we find Lady Godwin doing what? Canonical action. Wait, it is a, a canonical action? Sorry, non-canonical. Oh, that was close. That would be so weird to do a canonical action in a non-canonical continuity. But this is the right crowd for it, right? You love that multiverse stuff. I think it's a temporal pinch or maneuver. Yeah, exactly. She is shopping for flowers. Something she used to enjoy before all the adventure. She's been a little listless since the kill in Dracula. And she's just kind of bumming around town. There's not a lot of crime that you just run into. It's actually never happened to me just to Macaroy. So I, she just had a funny crime. So she wanted to shop for flowers. She used to like it and it's feeling her leaving a little, feeling a little cold. Is it flowers for a specific purpose or just to have them and decorate? It's to see the hot new flowers that people cross-bred and create. Shit man. You got to stay at the cutting edge. We've got daisies too. The sequel to daisies. Otherwise the ladies at the cookie parties will like stunt on you. And they'll be like, did you see the new green posies? And you're like, oh man, they're crazy. They're like, there aren't any. You're still dumb. It's so hard being rich. It is. It is. Lady Godwin, as you are perusing the latest and greatest in flower technology, you hear behind you the flapping of fairly large wings and a couple of legs squawks and you turn around, I assume, and you see a raven in a little beef eater costume hopping up behind you. Oh look at you. Aren't you the most precious thing? Hello. Oh, thank you very much. My name's Edgar. Oh, listen to you talk. That's fantastic. Yeah, it's a gift from my king, Crawford Mutner. Everybody calls me Mike. Oh, yes. How is Smut? Well, he's doing it. Sorry, how is... Mutt. Yes, thank you so much. I don't want to leave you an opening. How's the Smut these days? I tried. Over in Camelot. They love it. I forgot there's canonical wizard Smut in this universe. Fuck yeah. Like Camelot. Oh, yuck. Saucy. Oh, wait. Where's the puppet man? I'm supposed to find him too. Oh, Lord. You know, I haven't thought about him in a while, conically speaking. You haven't thought about him? Has it occurred to me? I mean, we will work friends, but do you think about people you worked at Blockbuster with? Okay. Will you come with me to find him real quick? I got a message for both of you. I can't deliver it. Will you carry me? See the skies? We don't have to do that. Here, take my little wing. Thank you. Enter him. And with that, there's a big puff of smoke, and you guys are instantly teleported to Phylo's non-canonical location. So weird. I hope it's not the toilet. Magical transportation makes me heave. Oh, then you're not going to like what happens after we meet him again. Okay. What is Phylo up to non-canonically speaking? Oh, God. Well, he's been dealing with canonical things as he is now the, he's still the interim turbo cardinal. Right. And God bless. It's, well, yeah, God bless. It's, I mean, it's just like all kinds of paperwork and dealing with administrative stuff. And you know, who's going to do these exorcisms and who's going to stone these sinners? Whoa. Holy crap, man. Hey, I'm going to answer that one. Nobody. Nobody. So yeah, it's just, just day to day, he thought it was going to be a lot more fun and a lot, a lot of action. And he's just. But after a few stonings, it really, the shine comes off the apple. Okay. Oh, great. Okay. Now the two of you together, I can, I can give you this message. Let me see here. Let me look. Oh, wait. Hello. I'm, It's such a plet, no, no, no, we weren't together, don't you remember? Oh, God. Yes. Yes. How are you? Hi, hello. I've called. I'm going to say it's been two weeks. Oh, my. Oh, well, you know, hey, how are you? It's good. I wish I'd known it's a loop in two weeks. I just realized that now. It was, it was, it was embarrassing and awkward until we realized it's only been two weeks. But along, it's been a long and busy two weeks. The Raven starts rifling through his little messenger bag and ear of corn, ear of corn, ear of corn. Oh, shiny thing, shiny thing, shiny thing. Here we go. I've got a little message for you in the hands of your rolled up scrawl. Oh, let me treat it. It says, Hey, follow. Hey, Godwin, it's me, Crawford Money. You can call me Mudd. Everybody does. Hi, Mudd. It's a piece of paper. I sure hope you didn't answer the letter. This is a letter. Yeah, it was, it was, I thought it was one of those greeting cards you open up and even those you can't talk back to. That's not a two way conversation. How are you guys doing? Been a long and busy two weeks. Am I right? I'm having so much fun here in London. I've been four wheeling with a lot of the Dukes. They're okay. Man, I wish I thought of that joke. I'm sure it would have been funny to make if I said it. That's why I'm here, Trav. I can make the other jokes. So you don't have to make all this. Sorry, Justin. I just, all I saw was Lady Godwin for a second. I just lost it. Well, I'm, I'm just talking to you right now, right? You're the one talking, right? Oh my God. Lady Godwin can't hear you and talk to you. Please go faster. Okay. I'm dying. Anywho, I hope you guys are doing good. Let's see. What else? What else? What else? Oh yeah. Somebody stole the crown jewels. It is this guy all in green. Had a bow, real nice bow. Shot it at me, which I didn't appreciate. And then he said something about stealing from the ridge, giving to the poor. He's a real dick about it, if I'm being honest. Stole crown jewels. And then he just got out of there. So now all apartments freaking out. They got everything on lockdown. I can't go nowhere, but we got to get those jewels back. Apparently it's something about divine right. And if I get to be king or not. So I need your guys help. If you would just go get those crown jewels back for me. I'd appreciate that so much. So whenever you're ready, just say the word per semen. Wait, are you reading this out loud? What are you reading this out loud? It says. Okay. You look up from the letter and you just teleported when you said the word per semen. Oh Christ. I thought for sure you're going to be like after a one month long boat journey. Which we will act out. Yeah. So you've been teleported. Nothing in the tank. Okay. You find yourself on the edge of Sherwood forest. Yes. And Nottingham township. Okay. Oh, so it's not green arrow. Oh my God. He's not published on that. Shit man. You said dressed all in green. Oh, okay. Well, hopefully you weren't reading this out loud and you can repair yourself. Make sure you get lots of supplies, everything you would need. But any who, I did go ahead and hire you like a wilderness God. Cause I've traveled with you guys before and I know how you are. So I make sure there'd be someone there to help you. He should be there anytime. Oh, where is he? He said he'd be here in 15 minutes. Philo, we just have to kill 15 minutes. Okay. Oh, cool. So tell me last two weeks. It's been quite a blur hasn't it? Have you gone to any parties or balls? I did learn all of the states. Would you like to hear them? Yes. Go ahead. I don't know them. I didn't learn them. You hear a Russell on the edge of the forest and Russell says, Hey, look over there. Who's that guy? And who do they see Griffin? Toddling out from behind a tree. You all hear a voice first that says Alabama or Arizona Arkansas. Listing off the 50 states. You see Toddling out a sort of large beige bear wearing a sort of red halter top T-shirt. Now he's just wearing his fleece onesie. I'm so fucking sweaty. It's insane. It's Paddington everybody. Do you think anybody's ever put that on and thought, Oh, this is so much better. Never. You all see Winnie the Pooh famous public domain bear come tumbling out of the woods. Do not ask him about Piglet or Tigger. They're not in the public domain yet. I hear you'll too need some help getting through these hundred acre woods. Hold on one moment. I may be able to help you for a smack roll of honey. Take it. Take it. You just have honey on you. Take it. He's he's hoping that if it coats your throat, your voice will be so different. Oh yeah. That's the good stuff. Why I say damn it. That didn't work. Not for sure that was canonical. The forest thanks you for this offering of sweet honey. Are you able to help us find passage where on the ground you lose such human trifles. It's so amusing. You worship these rocks from the ground like they were gods. I don't remember Winnie the Pooh being so superior to everybody. Okay, we have to stay in our characters. Remember we talked about this backstage. Okay, I don't want to hear from Clint. I know. I want to know how Philo is reacting to this bear. Okay, I don't remember. There we go. Winnie the Pooh. Holy shit that puppet can talk. Now we're getting somewhere. This is acting. Are you controlling that puppet with your, with some sort of remote control device? I understand that temptation to hope that to be true. I wish desperately too that this were not the case. But he is in fact my friend Philo inside a puppet body. Not with, let me see. Is Van Helsing still in there? No. Canonically no, I don't think so. Canonically no, it's just my friend Philo in the body of Pinocchio. Oh, fellow toy who came to life because of the love of a child. Something like that. Actually it was moral of putting on the wrong hat. That'll happen. As you stand on the edge of the city of Nottingham and Sherwood Forest, you hear an argument and the voices are getting angrier and angrier slightly within the city. You can see a shopkeeper like standing at his stall arguing with a customer and it's starting to get like, you know, they're shoving each other. Oh, you two seem ill-outfitted for this adventure. Would you like to stop at that local shop keep and stock up on the things you need to keep your human bodies alive? Well, I would at least like to eustrop what the conflict is. I'd love to get the dish. Weird energy, but okay, let's creep on over. Since I'm a puppet and I don't eat and she's dead and doesn't eat. Oh, what? Well, animated dead flesh. What are you talking about? We had forward momentum and then you're like, this one's dead. We were moving somewhere. I'm sorry. As you approach the stall. You spoke with Justin's boys. We're talking about this as we approach the stall. Yeah. As you approach the stall, you hear the argument and you just, well, no, what I'm saying is I think it is. I'm saying three and a half. Well, three and a half doesn't make sense, does it? You would have to be around number, so it's got to be three or four, but not three and a half, right? And I think three is too low and you think four is too. Excuse me, gentlemen, this is fascinating because you loop us in on what the conflict is. Sure, sure. Thank you very much. How many bowls is a chicken and how many chickens is a bowl? Is this some sort of riddle? These riddles are so confounding. Can you say again? I'm sorry. I don't understand. Basically, how many chickens equals a bowl? A bowl of what? Like in... I think they're doing an exchange program. Well, we're trying to. It's very new for us. One chicken is worth one and a half bowl. That's way off. You got to look at these bowls, man. I don't think that a half a bowl is a good metric of value, is it? Because you can't have half a bowl. That's nothing. See, that's exactly what we've been saying to Robin. He said there's not really a one-for-one thing. You know, my friend Christopher Robin. Where? Where is he? It's been so very long. Oh. Um... Oh. No, sorry. I was talking about Robin Hood. Oh, yes. My mistake. He... He's stolen everything and left us having to figure out like a border system that we haven't used ever. Hey, who is... What size up this person I'm talking to? How much money do they have? No, no, no. I asked a question. Um, this is a Burley Shopkeep who works with metal. Who's that Robin? No, one's talking about Robin. This is the Burley Shopkeep who works with... The Shopkeep works with Robin? No. How deep does this go? This conspiracy. The townspeople? Uh-huh. No, Robin Hood. Okay. He's a man of the people. Okay. Or at least he was, but it doesn't sound like that now. Okay, I pick him up by the lapels. He's... My name's Lady Goldwin. It's a pleasure. My eyes are up here. Yeah, it's a pleasure to meet you as well. We're looking for something that's been stolen and I suspect you'll rob it and... Oh, man. ...have something to do with it. We'd love a little more information about where we can find him. Okay. I don't understand the lapel thing. You could have just asked first. Yeah, right. It's intimidation. Okay, roll for me. If you ask and they say no and then you intimidate, I feel like that's less intimidating, right? They're just going fucking crazy up and down. Yeah. Yeah. I ask you, what is more intimidating? Intimidating. Someone who asks nicely first and then later is like, well, I hate to resort to this. Answer us now! Yeah. Okay, give me a roll. Impulsiveness is the most intimidating thing. Sure. Okay, so that is a natural 20 plus three. Holy shit. It gets results. This is what I'm saying. It works. He pisses his pants. But here's the good news. He's relieved that he's trying to pass the kidney stone and he feels way better now. All right. You're not making the game. This is my world. Yeah. What do you want to know? Anything? Where can we find him? Why does everyone have a problem with him? Okay. And could I take him? Take him where? To fight city. What do you mean take him where? Oh, okay. So can you set me down first? Of course. Thank you. Intimidation is complete. Take him up by the lapels. Okay. What can I do for you? Should I resolve her questions first or? And no lying. What have you done with my friend Christopher Robin? And I go around behind him and give him an atomic wedgie. That's good. This guy's intimidated his balls off. Oh, yeah. Really? I've just only met these two, but I think we're all big bullies. Yeah. I've been nothing but helpful and open and honest. If you ramp up to intimidation, it's not scary. It's desperate. No, I'm very scared. So tell me what I want to know. Okay. Can you put me down and release me underwears? Sure. Yes. All right. Thank you. So Robin Hood. Yes. Is a thief. And up until, well, a short while ago, he would steal from the rich and then he'd give to the poor. And then one day he comes in and he's like, Hey, poor, you're rich now. And he stole from all of us and he gave it back to the rich who are now poor. But then he stole from the rich poor again and gave it back to the poor rich. The fatal flaw of socialism. So then he completed that cycle two or three more times. And then he said, fuck it. They just kept everything. And he's been holed up in his compound. Some way or another. Straight forward meritocracy is what's called for. Fair fairness is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow. See, this is the bad thing about the public domain that they don't tell you, right? It seems good, but then people can just mess things up. Yeah. They mess up the precious sweet bear is Karl Marx. So public domain. Well, I don't know about all that. You make some really good points. Ready for it. But your grandkids are gonna love it. Yeah. But right now he's holding basically all the wealth of this compound. He's got everything there. Which is where? Well, it's somewhere in Sherwood Forest, but it is like a secret thieves guild kind of deal. So we don't know where. Where? Where? Hmm. Where is the compound? An excellent question. I don't know. I know, but I figure he's so scared of me that if he had any idea. Yeah, sure. He would be like, tell me where it is. My, my child. What? Different. You're a puppet boy and I'm a grown man. I'm a grown man. I'm an employed religion card. My child, we only wish to help out. Okay. Everyone. Yeah. So to save you, I would assume they order food from you and supplies. No, I'm a blacksmith. You don't have food here. No, but if you need food. What a disappointment. If you need food, you can go over to the crown and fools tavern right across the way and ask the server there because I think he used to maybe work with the wrong or something like that. Sounds like a lead to me. Thank you so much for the clue. You've been most accommodated. Hey, thank you for helping me pass me a kidney stone. Oh, it's my pleasure. Say, would you mind shopping this up and making it have a plus something or other? I don't know. It's a pretty small axe. I pick it back up. I don't want to talk about how small my axes. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Oh, chop it up. Okay. I'm not magical though. You know that, right? I'll tell you what I could do. Here, roll a persuasion check for me before I tell you what he could do. This man is so scared of you and he's so scared you have advantage. Okay. Okay. 13 plus 3, 16. Okay. I'll tell you what I could do. Let me see it. Sharpen her up. And I'm going to put a nice little sign on there. I've got this silver dust. I've been breathing it in all day. I love the stuff. The smell really gets me going. Oh, no. Yeah. Let me shine it up for you. All right. Excellent. Cool. Do you make any lumberjack axes? No. Well. Which Winnie the Pooh are you? Let's see where this goes. Okay. Yeah. How much money you got? Does he make lumberjack axes? Oh, yeah. I'm going to have to start destroying this guy's whole stall. No way. I don't make them. I was just going to do it for a time. Okay. Good. But I am here. Roll a d24. I'm going to see if he interrupted you before you started or after. Why is he? Wait, what is the problem with lumberjack axes? It's a 17. Okay. I'm going to smash like one. Let's see what the... Oh, no, I don't normally make them. Oh, bother. But I could, I guess. Don't. Okay. I look at him wild. Wild in the face. Oh, now the bear is being threatened. Yes. I'm convinced. In fact, I'm going to go plant me some trees. That's the spirit, John. Apple seed. How'd you know my name? Now we'll get to him. Hey, let's go over to the restaurant. Crown and Fool's Tavern. Sorry? Crown and Fool's Tavern. Crown and Fool's Tavern. Okay. Sounds good. You go in, it's bustling, but you hear a lot of the like... Okay. But how much? Okay. One potato. If it's one potato, how much? Okay. I've got these three rocks. The economic system is in shambles. Excuse us. Does anybody know how to find Robin Hood? Make an investigation check. No, perception. Perception check. Can we all roll it? Yeah. Here we go. Oh, shit. Yeah, 24. Nothing gets away from Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. Dad is in the profile settings of... Okay. ...Beyond. Now he's just made a flat wisdom saving throw. Six. And he got a six on his flat wisdom saving throw. Is that what you needed? None of that. It's so cool to be actually on this side of things for once, to get to see how the fucking sausage gets made. With a 24, you see someone who's just set down some drinks off of a tray. And they just go completely pale. They're being weird over there. Thank you. Can we stomp up to whoever that was? He's going to try to make a run for it for the front door. But in doing so, he's going to run past you. What do you do? I say, rocks so fast, bust a brown. And I'm going to cast entangle on them. So, oh shit, actually, whoops. Grasping plants sprout from the ground in a 20 foot square within range. I'm going to destroy the hardwood flooring of this entire pub. Each creature, other than you in the area, when you cast the spell, will succeed on a street saving throw. Or have the restrained condition to tell the spell ends. I thought this was just one person that this was going to hit. Not so easy to be on that side, is it? It's really not. 16 for me, I'm fine. Yeah, it's a 14 that you're looking to beat. Strength saving throw. Strength saving. Here we... Where is the hell is strength? Well, Groven, here's the good news. There's a good two years there where dad was playing UNO and I never had the guts to tell anybody. A crit. That crit. Here's the good news, Groven. My friend's safe. I rolled once for the server and then just one dice for everybody else. Yeah. He got a seven. Everybody else got a nat 20. Okay, good. So it does destroy a 20 foot square, like, a half of the floor. Yeah, the floor, but it grows up in between everybody's tables and chairs and you see some like real grizzled, tough, like peasant type. Just like take a drink, look over and like, we're going to have to fix that. And just go back to drinking. And that was the day Taz invented astroterm. But you have been able to entangle the server who was trying to make a break for it. Okay. Hello, friend. I'd noticed you were trying to shake a hot foot at the mention of Robin Hood's name. Yes, if you work for Robin Hood, I won't be helping you. Oh, bother. I thought for sure you were one of his lackeys. No! I was about to twist you up all crazy with these vines. What do you think a guide does? Brace stops any potential threats before they... You're a guide, not an assassin, Jesus! I set them down gently with the vines. Oh, thank you so much. No, I wouldn't... Did you have, by the way, a sexual awakening when that just happened? Some people... Let me check. Roll for it. Well, what does a nat 20 mean in that circumstance? Yes or no? I think they are now defined by this sexual awakening they just have. Yeah. I would say it opened up quite a bit for me. Well, very welcome. Where can we find the now-do-well known as Robin Hood? You know, because you've opened this door for me, I find myself trusting you in a way I wouldn't have expected when you entangled me in your vines. My name is John. What is your name? Hoover. That's your Christian name? I'm agnostic. Fair deuce. Yes, that rascalian, Robin Hood, had me prisoner after he overthrew me from the throne. Oh. That should never happen. I always think it's so terrible when people are removed from thrones. Yes, thank you. When I try their best until they die, that's what I say. And I'd just gotten comfortable in the throne because I'd really broken the cushiony inn. That's so sad. What had you done wrong? Were you bad administration or you just... Oh well, I imprisoned a lot of innocent people and I stole a lot of their money. Right, but if you thought you could lose the job, you would have done better at it, wouldn't you? I was told I was king because God wanted me to be. Wait, hold on. He's checking. No, he didn't. Oh, I don't think that's a thing, dad. I don't think you can ask the Christian God. You told me not to be clint. To in fiction speak to the Christian God to ask if a character's intentions are true, with no roles, I might ask, is not something I could address in character because it didn't happen. Understood. Okay, but yes, do you mean to do harm to that Robin Hood? It depends. Do you know if he has the crown jewels? Mine? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Those of Crawford, Montmah and the new king of England. I see. Yes. Oh, this has become rather awkward, hasn't it? It's fine. Oh. No, you always think it's wonderful when someone becomes king, but do you forget someone had to stop being king? Is he doing a good job at least? It's been two weeks. It's really too early to tell. I understand. He's got a pretty decent yell brain. Can I tell you, honestly, I find a lot of job satisfaction in being a server. No kidding. What kind of food do you like to serve the best? I like soup. Oh no, that doesn't make any sense. No, the challenge. It's the challenge of the thing you see. You like the challenge of serving a hot liquid bowl of soup? Yes, the learning curve was quite steep. Or a half bowl of hot soup. Well, here's what I invented. You take some bread and you eat the middle of it when nobody's looking because someone stole all your money and you're very hungry. Right. Then you pour the soup in it and it falls right out the bottom. Ah. I think Saint Penero once tried that. So how can we find this Robin Hood? Where is his secret compound? Oh, do you have a map? Yes. I have a perfect map of the whole Sherwood Forest. Excellent. Sherwood to me. Did you say Sherwood to me? Sherwood to me. Now, Griffin, you do have a map, but I want you to Royalty 20 to see how good it is. It's just places where honey is. Eleven. Yeah, it's mostly honey focused. Never mind all this. The circles and all of the crew drawings of behind. It's so sticky. The map is very sticky. Yes, it is very sticky. The personal belongings are irredeemably sticky. Oh no, that might waken something in me as well. I'm quite the pervert. I don't want to judge whether or not. No, I like to judge myself. Apparently degradation is also good for me. You're moving so quickly through this. I had to congratulate your growth. Thank you very much. This is the hottest I've ever been. Oh yeah, Juice. Is it fucking hot on this stage, motherfucker? Are you a little fucking uncomfortable, Juice? Juice, that's a funny name. I'm stewing in my own juice inside of this. That was my character, not me. I would never complain about it when you're wearing that on stage, Griffin. I have a grate underneath my chair just collecting my... Leavings. My leavings that I'm producing. Hope you enjoy the show, kids. Mark it on the map for me as quickly as you possibly can. Yes, of course, Daddy. Whoa. Hate it. And he does so. I pass him a business card. In addition to wilderness tours, I also offer certain services on the side. Excellent. They're going to put it back in the public domain. Like, you don't deserve this. You're not allowed. They freed me from the Disney vault and I'm ready to get so nasty. Well, I need you to get back to serving. Tips of half a potato isn't going to earn themselves. I'm a big boy. I need tempo. Hey, everyone. Welcome to the advertisements here on the adventure zone. I'd like to tell you about tempo. And with us is special guest, J.K. Simmons. That's not my tempo. Well, no, that's not my tempo. Have him say like, that is my tempo. Oh, that is my tempo. Okay, J.K., you can leave. Now make him say, make him say, Griffin's the best. Griffin's the best. Give me pictures of Spider-Man. You didn't tell him to say that. That was you doing the boys. He's on the headphones. Okay. He's got his own cans. He brought them from home. Okay. He's a professional. I don't know why you guys like this. Can you just do a normal advertisement? Can you do like a normal, just do a normal ad? Okay. So yeah, I'm a busy guy and so is Travis. He knows J.K. Simmons. So when you're busy and you're on the go and you want to eat good food, but you only have like two minutes to heat it up, you can still have really yummy stuff thanks to tempo. This is my tempo. I'm talking about Tuscan bacon mushroom chicken. I'm talking about five spice glazed chicken thighs. Yeah, he is. They got seafood options. They got chili shrimp rice bowl. They got so many stuff. They got protein packed stuff. They're always swapping around the menu. So you can always like try out new stuff and it all tastes really good. And you can get it ready like really, really fast. And even J.K. Simmons like, he's the piggiest eater I know. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. He has really specific tastes. There is a special J.K. Simmons only menu on tempo. Yeah. I eat pictures of Spider-Man. So yeah, if you go to tempomeals.com, you'll see an option that'll be like the special J.K. Simmons menu. And when you click on it, it says, are you J.K. Simmons? It's like a captcha. I'm like, are you J.K. Simmons? And it tests you and if it's not, then it'll be like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is for J.K. only, it says. Guys, I got a mattress from Lisa, the luxury hybrid, and it is changing my life. First, I'm just going to tell you, first of all, it lays flat like this. Yeah. The flat that I have had in the past are at a 45 degree angle or worse, Dracula style. 180. So the Lisa mattress is flat, which we love. That is 108. I do just want to say that the flat is 108. It's way longer than my body. A lot of beds, my head and feet, dangle off of them like a child, like Will Ferrell in the film, Elf, and the Elf beds. This is not like that. This bed is bigger than my body, which is incredible. Is it thin like a tissue? No. No. No. It's comfortable like a million tissues. Whoa. Sorry, it says here, don't compare it to a million tissues. No. It's got aerated foam channels and an ultra breathable dual spring system. It's like sitting in between the balance of foam and spring. It's like living in the middle, in the space. It's the perfect balance in the shadow lands. And yeah, it can keep you cool. They got a chill hybrid too. If you want to go a little bit cooler, advance cooling, luxury quilt top, if you want to. Yeah, exactly. I'm a chill hybrid. Yeah. You're a chill hybrid. Yeah. Half Travis, half electric. Go to lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus get an extra $50 off with promo code ADVENTURE, exclusive for our listeners. That's L-E-E-S-A.com, promo code ADVENTURE for 20% off mattress plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. Lisa.com, promo code ADVENTURE. And check this out. That's pretty good, Griffin. Thanks. Hey, a couple quick announcements too before we get back to the episode. We've got a bunch of cool stuff over at macroemerge.com. If you haven't checked it out, you need to go through that. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. Macroemerge.com, check that out. Also, Griffin's book, The Stowaway, is out now to choose your own adventure adventure. Go to bit.ly slash griffin stowaway and get all the information there and find it at a local bookstore. Thank you, Travis. You're welcome, Griffin. And Justin's great too. He does cool things. Whatever. All right. Back to the show. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Mark Gagliardi and I host We Got This with Mark and Hal on the Maximum Fund Network. Would you like to introduce yourself as well? My name is Jessie and I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hi, Jessie from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jessie, you are our Maximum Fund member of the month. I'm so delighted to hear that I'm the member of the month. Thank you. Is there a first episode that you remember? The pretzel shape episode. Yeah. That's pretty classic. Both of us just killed off each other's answers and went with Pretzel Rod, which is clearly not the best. No, that is a terrible pretzel. As our member of the month, you have a parking spot at Maximum Fund headquarters, as well as a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store. We say it at the end of the episode, we wouldn't do it without you and we couldn't do it without you, so thank you for that. You're welcome. Become a Maximum Fund member now at maximumfund.org slash join. Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, I'm sorry. No sales calls. I have multi-award winning podcasts featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want that to carry you home again, do I? Right. Well, if you were looking for a podcast... Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to maximfund.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother, mother, not that hat. So now you have a map showing you roughly within Sherwood Forest where... We follow it. Without issue. Do you have... You brought that sword with you, right? Oh, yes. Yeah, I'd like to make it... Can you kind of leave it at your side, just kind of dangling and jangling around as we're walking? Just kind of shake your tush and have that gold sword just kind of flipping around. I'm hoping to make a honeypot. Oh, that's good. It's a honeypot. Oh, okay. What now? Yes, I called it a honeypot. It's a way of trapping criminals. It's like a bait sword. As you start walking, you hear behind you, wooden boy and bare man walking through the forest. Also, there's a lady with a sword on her head. Well, that sounds like a song describing all of our sort of personal aesthetics. Man, it's very Roger Millery. Very. Who's there? They're looking for the voice and they're saying, Sound of kind of stupid. Oodle-a-loo-de-la-de-gada-waddle-de-de. They don't like this. What do I see, Travis? When I look towards the source of the sound. When you turn around, it's not hard to see. The only thing you see behind you is a rooster. That's good. I rolled a five on that perception check. You didn't know I took- Just a regular old rooster. I prepared a cast speak with animals. I'm a druid, by the way. That makes sense. Don't waste your spell slots. I can really sing. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de-de. Can you speak, little cock? Friend. I've told you before. Interesting words. No. No. Oh, sorry. Interesting word choice. I'm not wild about it. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de-de. Friend bird, I am the guardian of these hundred-acre woods. Are you well? Are your needs being seen too? Are you being threatened and in a capacity by the human scourge? Well, which curse me? Turn me to a rooster. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. At this moment, I look around and realize that I am the only human currently. I kind of look like- I think I'm probably in enough of a minority that I'm nodding along like, yeah, the human scourge, it has become a problem. I look at you and I say, don't worry, you're a dead human. The only good type of human there is. People keep saying that. I'm not dead. Friend rooster, you've been- I just met you and say we're friends, yeah. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de-de. I cast Animal Friendship. Make a wisdom saving throw, 14. I got an 11. I am your friend now. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. Keep talking, keep talking, shit. Friend rooster, we're looking for the hidden compound of Robin Hood. Do you know where we might be able to find it? It's in Sherwood Forest right this way. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. This stuff is so easy. I don't even know why I wasted my time in frankly creative energy. I'm doing a whole bait sword with this rooster. We're just gonna come out and show us the way. Can I ride on your shoulder and be your little friend? Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. This is not a karaoke experience, audience. I don't think so, my shoulder's up a little. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. If I copyright infringement, I'm gonna sue you. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. Sorry, I... I can't believe your character's public domain. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. So, I'm sorry to ask, but would you mind climbing in Winnie the Pooh's backpack? My what? If he... If the rooster could just ride in the bear's backpack, it would really bring me a lot of joy. Yes, it's an awesome... I'll play my banjo. Thank you. And blow on this kazooie. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. This is so degrading. My name is Allen. I am a rooster. Oodle-a-loo-de-gada-waddle-de. Hey, let's do this thing as long as we're trying it. And I flip upside down and try to run on the bird's legs on my backpack like Banjo-kazooie does it. Roll a deck save? Okay. I want to roll a sanity save. I want to see if my sanity is preserved. Well, wait a second. That is a six? It's crushed instantly underneath your weight. It's... Well, come on. Admit it. You were all a little sick of this thing, right? With a six, with a six he's got to be dead. Time for turbo mode. Yeah, you don't hear anymore singing. Whenever you're already friend rooster. So then I hold out the sword again like, wow, this is a really good sword. I hope no one tries to steal it. Can I check on him? Is he okay? No? Wait. Wait, let me look. Wait, wait, we've never done this before. Wait, wait, wait. We can do a pull. We can do a pull. We can do a pull. It seems like a 20-sided tavern. We make the fucking rules up here, man. How's it looking? No. Well, listen, he's gone. What class are you again? Trude. Don't worry, folks. It's the circle of life. The circle... No. Damn. I take my backpack off and I just set it on the ground. Don't tell the other druids about this. It'll be ever so cross. Do you want to eat the rooster? I mean, you are the only person who eats. I don't think she... I mean, he's a bear. The bear eats. Only the rooster. Oh, don't eat the rooster. If the rooster dies from a terrible accident, there's no moral issue with the druid. An accident that could not have been prevented. And or foreseen. Yeah. Ro me a perception check. All of you. Okay. That's the one that says perception, Doug. Considering what I'm witnessing right now, I hope my perception is low. Honestly, I don't need a great view of Winnie eating the rooster. Yeah, I don't want to see it either, too. Six for me, did I mention? Six. 25. While you've just finished consuming the body of Alan Adele, human cursed to be a rooster. Well, then it's all square, baby. And you see in the bushes behind over the shoulders of Lady Godwin and Philo, you see some figures clad in different shades of green coming out of the woods, trying to sneak up on them. We're being snuck up upon, dear friends. I think I have this. Friar Tuck! Friar Tuck, are you there? It's me, your boss, the turbo cardinal. Such a huge cult shot. You had to have expected this. Not the boss part. Here's the problem, Griffin. I don't know how monks feel about the Pope in real life. Sure. Did they work for the Pope? Sure, man. Yeah. Do a little research, pal. Into Friar Tuck had a good relationship with the Pope. Okay. Okay. Dad, give me a persuasion check. Or religion check, because I am a kind of an Evelyn Deum. That is an 18. Yes? Hello, my son. It is I, the turbo cardinal. But you are a puppet. Yes. I know, I know. It's a long story. We were traveling and found this laboratory. I'm so bold. We are here to confer with your co-worker, your co-conspirator, Robin Hood. May we speak to him? Let's just get it right out there. Huh. You know, you've got a lot of gold and fancy stuff upon your turbo cardinal. I guess I certainly do. He is the Pope. And yet, that's part of their whole thing. And just to double check, you are the official turbo cardinal? Oh, he hates him when you do this. Okay. There is its interim turbo cardinal, but as far as I know, I mean, I don't think King Mud has actually changed. That, is it possible? I see. No, we didn't have the vote. So, you're definitely not the final turbo cardinal. Well, no, I would hope I wouldn't be the final turbo cardinal. This is my problem with organized religion. What do these, what do these look like? Sorry? Can we see these? Yeah, what do they say? You said green clad figures, like what do you mean? So, at this point, you could see the man who's been speaking. Okay, I walk closer to him to see what he looks like. What do you look like, pal? Yeah, what's he look like? How close do you get to him to see what he looks like? Four feet. Excellent. He's the man on the shorter side with a tauntior, which is that traditional monk haircut with a bald paint. He is in monastic robes. He has identified himself as Friar Tuck by answering. Friar Tuck was Catholic, Paul has confirmed, so. Well, damn, there it is. You see a large beefy man, you'd put maybe 6'10", 6'11", large broad-shouldered, strong-looking in a green tunic and green tights. Then you see a man in different shades of burgundy and red in his outfit with a big red W across his chest. It's Wabin Hood. And then you see a woman, once again, in very functional, like green tunic, green tights, sword on her hip, and like a small, like a silver circlet on her head, very small, very tasteful. Okay, and these are humans. Yeah. Well, don't act like that. There was a singer, Rooster. Yeah, that's a good point. Don't act all incredulous. This is a crazy, mixed-up world trap. So Friar Tuck says, Well, you make a good point. Maybe we could work something out. Let me confer with the other married men. Where's the fifth of us? Alan. What did you say? Alan, are you nearby? Alan. Where did he get you? That rascally Rooster. Let's just listen for his song. Don't worry about me. I'm just wondering about the woods. Alan, is that you? I'm totally healthy. I'm not sick. Okay, I want to send my hand out into the woods to go shake the branches. Okay, make a sleight of handshake. Literally. Yeah. It's eight. So they watch your handshake. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. I'm not sick. So they watch your hand. How about you show that run over into Bush and shake it. I'm a healthy Rooster. Didn't get you. Okay, now you make a deception check. Can I perform it? Sorry, it's a performance. Fuck. Does he get advantage for my limb shaking? For your eight? 15 plus one, 16. Pretty good. That's pretty good. Don't even sweat me. I'm gonna go home. I've got diarrhea. It's pretty good. But also, right? It would have to be so, so good to make them think that the bear pretending to do the Rooster's voice. I'm throwing it. It's not a problem. I probably have some bullshit magic spell. I make wind blow through a tree or something. I'm gonna say with this 16, it's good enough that they're not angry at you. Awesome. They know I ate their friend for sure. They're like, they're very wary of you. Okay, cool, cool. And the biggest one says, what do you want to talk to Robin about? Right, it's very simple. We don't wish to be a bother. We just want the crown jewels back for our friend, the king. The new one. Which king? King mutt. Oh, okay. The two week king. Yeah, that's what we call him. So far. That week. I think he's demonstrated that he's very... It's all fun with synonyms. Okay. My favorite jokes. Not the fortnight king. Is it synonyms or homonyms? Which one is it? No one knows. You stepped on my excellent fortnight joke. I've never been angrier in my entire life. And he dabs. Too late. It means nothing to me. What was your name? Winnie the Pooh. I'm Little John. Hello, Little John. What a fantastical name for you. You're quite a large man. Oh, there's like a seven foot four guy who's called Big John. My mistake. I thought you were the seven foot four guy. No, I'm six foot ten. Only you humans look the same to me. I see. He bristles. I don't blame you. I'm working through a lot of my own stuff over here. Okay. So the four of them come for... And then come back and say, This time the man, Allen Burgundy speaks and goes, Okay, yes, we've spoken about it and we've decided we're going to let you, instead of attacking and killing all of you, we're trying to be cool about it. We're going to let you choose one of ours to fight and we're going to choose one of yours to fight. Do it. One for one. If you win, we'll take you to see Robin Hood. If you lose, we get to kill you. Wait, we choose one of yours. Yes. And you choose one of ours. Yes. A champion. Oh. Should we do, should we do like introductions? Not necessary. Can we choose any of your men? Well, and any of our people, let's not be small minded about it. You could see me, right? I don't see gender. What was the name of the rooster one of you? That was Alan, but he went home because he had a bad diarrhea. We didn't pick Alan. Alan is not here. He had diarrhea and he had to go home. Sounds like Alan lost the battle. So you get to choose from me, little John. You can pick Will Scarlet here. You can pick Maiden Marion. And she weighs this. I'd like to speak too. Yes, I bet. Friar Tuck or old man Screbo. And a little old man shovels over the thing. He goes, hi, I'm Screbo. We can't do Screbo. We mostly keep Screbo around. He's like kind of a mascot. We love him. Even the puppet among us could smash little Screbo to the ground. What the hell does that mean? You're so small. My child. That means nothing to me. Oh, I know what you're doing. You're setting it up so that they will pick me to fight. And I am the best fighter of the three. I don't know you from how I would frame it. Yes, I don't know you either. I met you 15 minutes ago. Yes, it was only 15 minutes ago. Listen, I'm telling the truth. He's telling the truth. Here's what I'd like to say. All the people seem like they have a thing, right? But Will Scarlett seems like kind of a nothing burger. So I think we should choose him. He's just like... He's got the first initial of his name stitched into his tunic. He's a total dog. What a fucking wiener. He said dog. Hey, I can hear you. I had that sewn on to me for the greatest crime I committed. Well, don't worry. Why a fraud? Oh, yeah, we can take him. Let's do it. Dr. Wiley. Well, pick the white-collar criminal. Okay, I've done other things too. That's just the worst one. Okay. Let's see. We'll take... We'll take the puppy boy. Well... This was the gambit, wasn't it? Yes, of course. You assured us of your martial prowess. Oh, no, I'm so afraid. Okay, I don't understand the weakening. Was that a wink? You could see that? Yeah, it looked like you were having a stroke. I love... I can't wait. So it's Will Scarlett versus... Filo. Yes. Can we send him out like a Pokemon battle? Yes, you can. We just throw Filo into the middle of the ring like, Go, puppet Filo. Okay, roll for an issue. Tail whip. Roll initiative. I made a mistake choosing Dad. Yeah, you fucking did, dude. Obviously. Is it too late to pick the barbarian, baby? No, I need my moment in the sun. Where's your initiative? What app are you using? Here we go. Nope, that wasn't it. Just roll a 20-sided dice and add one. Wait, is the etna healthy or what? Six. Six. I got a nine. Let's fight. And it comes at you with two daggers. I thought we said we'd be better than this. Stupid. Does an 18 hit your AC? Yeah. I should hope so. It was close. You're a puppet. He does three plus three. He does six points of damage. That's nothing to me. Okay, six points of damage. All right. We, while this battle is happening, try to kind of... Leave. Merge into... Be in the bathroom. Merge into the band. Just like we're all sort of watching this sort of thing. Yeah, I think we should all have a little camaraderie. We're being professionals. Yeah. Like there's no reason we can't be tasteful. Yeah. I cast Ray of Sickness. Whoa. At Wario. It's not a complex name. His name is Will. I forgot him every time. He's got a big W. He's got a big W on his shirt. That's fair. You were the one who said W didn't stand for Will. So it's free game. That's true. Stands for wire fraud. Yeah. Okay. Dad, what's the save or is it an attack roll? Well, you know. It lashes out towards a creature within range. Spell attack. Yeah. He's going to get a spell door dash to himself, it looks like. We got... I don't know what fucking app you're using my name, but it is not. Sorry. I am so sorry. What do you want me to push? Roll a D20. Your luck. All right. D20. Too late. Add six. Seven plus six, 13. 13. A 13 does not hit his ass. Wow. We picked the wrong dude. He dodges around you kind of dancing. And let's be fair, a very taunting way. Oh man. And he is going to attempt to punch you. Oh man. Since you are a small wooden boy. He got a nat one though and stubs his toe on your butt. What was his foot? He was trying to punch him and he stubbed his toe on his butt. He was trying to punch him. Punch him, okay. I thought you said punch him. And he stubs his toe on the butt. Making this the worst punch attempt in the recorded history of man. I mean it's a natural one, right? If there's a way to do it, this would be how it happens. I'm going to hit him with my quarter staff. Okay. Aim for the face of genitals. It's the weakest part on you human beings. Okay. So the throat is also good. Okay. I'm going to do all dads roles today, baby. Okay. Everybody be cool as dads for his time playing D&D. Holy shit. You got too many characters on here, man. I backed up and you've got 40 fucking characters in this app. We have not been playing D&D this long. That's all my closet D&D. Roll your 20 sided die. All right. And if it's a really high or low number, the rest of the stuff doesn't matter. Here we go. Eight. Eight. Yeah, it doesn't matter. He's going to avoid that quarter staff. So far this is a thrilling battle. I have a bonus move though. It's true he has. Look at that action. The tavern brawler strike. My unarmed strike uses a D4 for damage. Okay, cool. So while this nail biter is going on, what's happening with you? Lady Godwin and one of the pair. Hey, wait a minute. I have to roll. To do what? To use my follow up action. He's doing another unarmed strike. Oh, okay. Because he's a tavern brawler puppet pope. And it was a dirty 20. Okay. Yeah, you hit him. Hey. Hey, that's a, hey little John. Oh yeah. Thanks for saying my name. Didn't know who you were. I was trying to play it cool. Oh, okay. Yeah. Where's Robin Hood? This fight kind of sucks. I think it's heating up actually. I think Will's about to do something big. It's the boys first fight. Let him have this. He's been doing white collar crime the whole time. He wants to get into killing. No one's enjoying this. This is horrible. Look at the two of them. I am having a ball. Oh, you're fantastic. Five points of damage. Okay. Well, mark it down. Hey, listen, I'm kind of with you on this one. What if we just said, oh, they're too evenly matched to start that, right? Right. So we'll say like, oh, it's impossible to say. You're just two Titans in one row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Inmovable object and unstoppable force. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't hear any of them. I don't feel like you think I can win. There's no way you're hearing me talk. You're fighting. No, I'm reading your body language. My body language is extremely positive. Let's give them one more. Well, hold on, dad. Make an insight check. And if it takes you longer than 20 seconds to do so, you don't notice. Two. You look over and as far as you can tell, all of them are going, you're doing great. This is the good stuff. Yeah. Thank you, friends. If we agree to withdraw, will you take us to Robin Hood? If the answer is no, the fight will continue. Oh. He stubbed his toe on his butt. You saw that, right? You took too long. Dad, roll again. All right. He's going to try and do two attacks in one round. It'll take 20 minutes. Oh, you make a good point. I am going to use a spell then. No, no, please. We have to stop. Don't forget your components. Get comfortable, motherfucker. No. Gather your material components. No, this, no. Yeah. How about a 16 to hit my... Wait, wait. Don't forget the ritual. You must do the ritual. Off. Melph's acid arrow. And how much damage does that do, Father? Oh, just really... You just wait, pal. Two, four, seven, nine. Whoa. Wait, is that right? That's right, yeah. It's an extremely good spell. Good job, Dad. Thank you, buddy. Little John holds it in his hand. Oh, you know what? Actually, no. Deal's off now. That was sick. Good job, Philo. Kick his ass. You had your chance. Finish him. Okay. Wheels up. Not wheels up, mind you. Wheels up. Wheels up. That is a 15 versus AC. Yeah. Still hits. Still hits. That is four plus three seven points of damage. Uh-oh, wait. Hold on. Okay, ready? And then there's a 19 hit. Yeah, I'm 19 hits. Maybe we'll negotiate for a bit. Okay, and that's nine points of damage. Yeah, nine points of damage. Yeah. Okay, so 16 total points of damage on those two attacks. Well, I didn't say it didn't hurt. So now it looks like we're not even footing again. We'd like to get the deal back from earlier. So can we go back to the original terms of the deal? I hit him with my sword. Jesus Christ. The sacred Whacker of Tankrid. Whacker. This is not an item you have from the game. It's not. You can't pass it. Hey, Clint McRoy can't go on the con floor and buy a large foam sword and then say, now my D&D character has it because it's physically present. Ha ha ha. It's resin. I... You got him, dad. I am recreating 12 Angry Men by myself over here. Take the sword away. Thank you so much for drawing on it. Oh my God, Paul, you're my f... Don't... It's wet, right? Paul, can you confirm the wetness of this rag? Oh yeah. Yeah. Gross. It sucks up here, man. For the record, if you're listening to this later, Griffin just squeezed that into Paul's mouth. It was your repulsive. History will not look kindly on this, Griffin. Little John holds his hands up and says, No, no, I have to stop it. You two are going to kill each other. Ha ha ha. Tomorrow. Yeah. This is too much. Too much violence. Too much bloodshed already. Yeah, I'll show you where Robin Hood is. Honestly, he's been scaring us with his obsession and if you can maybe snap him out of it, preferably without killing him, we sure would appreciate it. Well, maybe you should tell him not to piss me off. This guy's a real loose cannon. Man, I'm mad. Hey, Philo, you forgot your leg. Hold on. Oh, thank you. Yes, of course. Oh, God. Why is it that Robin Hood, I know of his exploits as the warden of these woods, it seems like he used to live by a fairly honourable code, stealing from the rich, who worked very hard, I might add, for their wealth. Where do you fall on the political scope? I'm not quite sure. Yeah, here's the problem. He sent the whole system is broken. That finance as it is. Oh, God, we can't agree. Yeah, he says he's seeing of having it only be like the coin of the realm, right, and that being policed by, you know, the government, whoever's in control. Something good so far. And so he's been coming up with like an alternate coin that people can have access to. Tell me everything. But how would it work this alternate coin? Well, that's what he's been holding up trying to figure out. We haven't been able to get in there to talk to him. Sorry, where are you from? Oh, all over the place. It's that way. Yeah, I'm well travelled. Your accent sounded all over the place. So I assume you're from all over the place. My mother was Dutch. All right, that'll do it. So will you take us to this financial genius? Yeah, it's just on the other side of these trees. And he pulls back the vines and there's the compound. Son of a bitch, I'm not very good at my job. I enter the door. The forest door, which is as you approach the compound of physical building. Yeah, okay. I mean, it's you know, some tents and stuff, but it's like all gated up in the gates are like locked. You know what I mean? He's been holed up in there. Okay. Excuse me Robin Hood. Yeah. Yes, what is it? We'd like the crown jewels, please. Are you asleep? No, sorry. No, no, no crown jewels. Okay. But you don't have any or you don't want to give them to us. Okay, I'm busy. Please leave. Can I make an insight check to see if he's lying? The gates are locked closed. He's inside the tents. 11. You don't know. You don't know if he's busy or not. We'd like to go inside. Obviously, little John, if you if you don't mind. Can you open the gates? I assumed when you showed us where it was, you would just let us inside. It seemed like a fair, I mean, It seems like a sort of genie's trap you said for us. We are to creating a map to the celebrities homes. You're being unnecessarily obtuse. No, I can let you in. Cool. Why did you guys assume I wasn't gonna? Why just doing our best out here? And he unlocks the front gate. Cool. Hey, don't tell him I did that, okay? Yeah, of course. Is there anything else we should know? Where's his weak point and does he have any natural allergies? Asbestos. Nothing I can do. He looks up to the sky and he says, Well, it's gonna get dark soon. You should move pretty quick. Why is that? Oh, he's very sneaky and very dangerous in the dark. Oh, okay. So I'll walk into where he is. And kill him immediately. Now, before his secret powers activate. You walk into the tent and you see him and he's like writing all over like the inside of the canvas. Uh-oh. And he's like trying to, you can see him being like, Okay, so maybe, okay. So if there's a chain of sorts, right? We put a neural link in it every time there's a transaction. So that way we can look back through the chain. Sorry, Hem, Hem. How did you get in here? Through the gate. I locked it. What? I had locked it. I unlocked it. Damn. I didn't think of that. That's the problem with locks. They're not permanent. You're sort of a breaking into place as guy and you didn't see that one coming. Matt, isn't that always the way? No. No, of course not. Sorry, can you teach us about your project here? Yes, it seems like you're really onto something. Okay. Thank you for asking. So basically, what am I seeing? What does this person look like? Who's Robin Hood? So it's as you might picture Robin Hood in your head, right? So he's a fox man, Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner looks exactly like Kevin Costner. Tell me it's, tell me it's Kari Owens. It's Kari Owens. Thank you. But by like dark circles under his eyes, you know, kind of like very shallow skin. He's been inside for too long, right? Too focused on this. And you can see like, maybe he hasn't been eating well. You just see like empty, empty like cans of some, yeah, I know. He's got that like Seth Green cryptocurrency malaise sort of about him. Yeah. When he turns, he's very like, okay, let me spell it all out for you. So basically when you, so right now, okay, follow me, follow me. So right now, right? The government decides how much each coin's worth. But what if we said fixed price? Fixed price, right? And then there were no physical coins. So people couldn't steal the coins from you, right? And every time you traded the coins, you had to go to a blacksmith and they would put a new link in a big chain. I thought this guy's thing sounded so cool on paper, but now that I meet him, I'm not feeling it. So you'd be lugging around a bunch of chains in your wallet? No, the big chain is in one place. Okay. Yeah, I've got this painting of a monkey. Could we somehow tie that into... How many paintings of the monkey are there? Just the one painting. Oh, that's good. I paid five bottles of product for it. How big a bottle? Do you have a name for the system? Yes, right. So we're going to have the chain and it's going to be guarded. So I'm thinking block to chain. This is great stuff. But do you have the family jewels of the royal family? I'm confused by the word. Sorry. Yes, family jewels has a whole different connotation. I don't give a damn about your human testicles. Is it hot? It's getting hot. Oh, is it motherfucker? I'm so sorry to hear. I don't think any of the three of us have human testicles. Anyway, I believe mine are acorns. Do you have the royal jewels? Wait, hold on. Is it day or night? Ah, shit. Listen, talk quick. Where's the crown jewels? He pulls back the flap from the top of the tent and you can see the full moon. I put it back. I put the flap back up. He starts freaking out. Oh, I lost track of days. Oh, no. And he proceeds to change. Oh, no. Oh, good Lord, look at it. It's sexy. And he turns into his where Fox form. Okay. Roll initiative. Oh, yeah, sure. I snap a picture for Prince John later to see if this is part of it. Four. I'm not even going to get to act this show. 14, five. All right. Okay, so we have four, five, 14. And Griffin was the four. That was me. Justin was the five. Dad was the five. Oh, dad was the five. Justin, you're up first. Okay. I will take out my silver axe and split him in twain. Okay, give me an attack roll. A what? An attack roll. You got it. I'm so wet. How does a nine plus six treat you 15. That just hits. All right. Show me damage. Do I get a bonus for the fact that it's silver? Yeah, it hurts him. Okay. I actually did the attack roll. Sorry, that's a 12 points of damage. Oh, pretty good. Yep. Yeah. No, you can cheer. Is there anything else you want to do on your turn? Yes, I would like to become raging. Oh, okay. No. And now I'd like to live. Jesus. No, no, no, no, no. I don't think that's sound every time. Nobody likes the sound it makes to become raging, but that's what it takes. Eat some fiber. I'm going to attack again with a second attack. That's damage. I keep pushing the wrong buttons. Sorry. Here it comes. Here comes the big roll. Everybody's waiting for a mess of nine. That misses. Sorry, Jay Heads. I didn't get it done for you this time. Maybe next time. Robin is going to take a swing at you with his now clawed fist. The Jay Heads are not going to like that. Oh, no. It's true. No, that's not going to hit. That's an eight. He's not going to hit. It's not as far off as I'd like it to be, but no, it's just not yet. But he does have multi-attack. And so he's going to swing at you again. That time it's a 20 to him. Yeah, that one just gets in there. Okay, great. Just got him. And he's going to do seven points of damage. All right. And then he's going to begin to prowl around the room and move away from you and get back to a corner and hunker down like he's ready to pounce. Oh, that's not all that intimidating actually. Up next is Philo. His friends outside are not going to come help. Well, not yet. Okay. Okay. I lock the tent. No, not yet. Not yet. I have a plan. I have a cunning plan. Dad, did you hear the words he said before you respond to? I lock the tent. It's locked, man. It's dealt with. It's not his turn. I already locked the tent. It's your turn, dad. Will you lock the tent? Someone's got to lock this. I wasn't going to lock the tent. Tent's not going to lock itself. Am I right? I have a cunning plan. It's your turn. Okay. Time to deliver. I drink an altar self potion. What a great moment. And transform myself into a duplicate of Robin. Who? I wish fucking Prince John was here for this now. He'd be losing his shit. That would have been such a sick move. And I stick my head through the tent flap and go, Oh, fellas, there's somebody who looks just like me. He's gone mad. Who lolly, who lolly, who lolly-lay. That was the rooster, man. This fox ate Alan. Come on, me boyos. Okay. So Robin Hood, the fox, ducks his head out of the locked tent and says, This fox ate Alan. Now it is also important to note I did just look up altar self and all of the things you discussed changing can accept your size. So a phylo sized Robin Hood just popped out. I've seen the movie. I know how Robin Hood is. I'm Robin Hood's son. Hey guys, dad's gone nuts. I poke my head out and also a witch turned him small. You must help me. Make a performance check. Yes. All right. All right. 11. Not funny. The least funny number to roll. The least funny number to roll. What did you say, Robin? We're going to get a bit closer so maybe we can hear you better next round. But they don't come all the way to the tent. So you just move about halfway. Up next is Winnie the Pooh. I still attack Robin Hood. I, you want me to attack Robin Hood? I mean, if you want to, I'm just, I wanted to say the sentence Winnie Pooh is going to attack Robin Hood. No, I'm going to deal with this outside situation because I, I cannot stress to you how much I don't want four other people to enter this fucking initiative. Yeah, you got to lock the tent. I step outside and as I do in the night sky storm clouds begin to gather. And is that related to your action? Yup. Okay. Did you, just so we know for the record, did you lock the tent behind you? I lock the tent behind me. I say, as the storm clouds begin to gather, I say, oh, the sound of thunder always makes me so terribly peckish on account of it sounding like my rumbly tummy. And I'm going to cast Thunder Wave as a third level spell on the four haters outside. I need each of them to make a constitution saving throw aiming for 14, please. Okay. What? No. Uh, no. Fuck yes. That's four failures. Oh, no, Travis. What awful news for them. They take 24 points. 24 points of, I believe, forced damage as they are thrown 10 feet away from me. And it sucks for them pretty bad. Good night, Portland. Yeah. Hey, hey, Philo, quick sidebar. This bear scares the shit out of you. Yeah, that's going to do it for Will Scarlett. Will Scarlett is, let's say, out of commission, not dead. I fucking, I have a little necklace and I scratch another notch into it as Will goes down. Um, we noticed Winnie the Pooh pulling out one of his teeth. Yes. Um, everybody else is knocked prone. Yes. Um, and Marion says, oh, I love talking about how upset I am about this. That's two lines I've had. You've done it. I apologize that this episode has gone this way to made Marion. I understand. Human, human men otherwise. Wait, human, wait, is made Marion not a human being? No, she is. Okay. She gets, she just wanted to listen. Human men have done a lot of terrible things. Sure. Sure. Sure. Tell me about it. Justin, you are up. All right. Um, so it's me and Philo. How is Robin looking pretty bad on time? Oh, no, you hit him. He looks, um, you have, uh, maybe cut some hair off its face. Is there anything in the room that I can use to my advantage to defeat him? Perception check. We should ask that question there often. This is one of the best things about I rolled a, uh, on the perception check. We don't need to worry about it. So the, uh, uh, I'll just do a regular attack. What did you roll on the perception check though, just out of curiosity? Natural one. So what's he fine? He blinks too hard and he doesn't see anything for like 30 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. He's got, he got an eyelash in his eye from looking around to her. His eyes are all water and he's very irritated. Oh yeah. Um, Griffin, you're definitely going to make wait for your wrestling tournament tomorrow. No fucking kidding, man. I will, in an act of mercy to Griffin, I will hit Robin again as hard as I can with my axe. Please kill him, Justin. I'm doing my best. Oh, brother, I rolled a five. Let's try another one, another attack. Oh, oh dang it. It's a, it's a one. Jesus Christ. I'm trying, but this Fox is tough as nails, man. That's a not one on your attack. Yeah. I get one more though for the, well for the not one you swing and the force of the swing you miss so hard that you go down to one knee. I get one. What? So when a not one happens in Dungeons and Dragons, it sucks so bad. It's not just a failure, but a failure that has ramifications to it. So what happens to me? You, okay, you swing too hard, right? And the force, you end up getting like off balance and you go down to one knee. Go down to one knee. Okay. That's all I was trying to hear. Okay. I stand up and then I attack again. He uses all his movement. That's your move action. Well, I don't need to move. I'm fighting the Fox that's right next to me. I'm not moving. I'll use my move action to stand. Okay. And then I will attack his head to chop it off. Oh, interesting. Non-lethally. I like that. Megan, attack roll for me. Okay. Thank you for specifying. Of course. I wish Gryffindor non-lethally knocked down Will Scarlett, but. That is a two plus six. Does that hit? No. Okay. I start drafting a letter to mutt like, I feel like you oversold the capabilities and he's like, are you sure these jabronis kills Dracula? Um, so he is going to come charging at you and does a 15 hit against your AC. Yes. Okay. So he's going to swipe at you with his claws and because he was ready to pound and charged at you, um, make a strength saving throw as he pounces upon you. Also, you're going to take, uh, 21. Okay. Yeah. Pretty good. Sorry. You take nine points of damage, but do you, you do save against being knocked down? All right. Okay. Now, dad, you're up. I cast find object. I cast dimensional choice to see if I can find the crown jewels. Eyes on the prize. Okay. You just do. So I just did. Hold on. You want me to roll something? Can't be how that works. Hold on. Don't hit me while I'm typing dad. Don't type then. Okay. That's a, wow. That's a 15. Describe a name or object that's familiar to you. You sense the direction to the object's location so long as it's within 1000 feet of you. Yeah. So in the cardinal, he would definitely be familiar with the crown jewels. Yeah. So in the corner of this large set, you see a big pile of jewels and gold and money and stuff. It's really, it's in there. It's on you really for not describing the, you got, you got an eyelash in your eye and you couldn't see all the treasure. I'm not sure I trust this dude with developing a whole new sort of economic ecosystem. Based around the extremely secure storage of data. As far as he's concerned at this point, oh, that stuff's worthless. Can we just have all that stuff? Sorry, I forgot. Is my turnover? You cast a spell. So that was your action. Do you have any bonus actions or movement? Well, I was going to use an infusion. Is that an action or a bonus action? What's it feel like in your heart? What's it feel like to you, Trav? I think that knowing that there's some jewels in a big pile of jewels, I'm going to call that a bonus action. And if you want to use an infusion, you can. Okay. I am going to. Is it like mid fight with a where Fox? Philo's like, you're really in for it now and walks over to the piles of stones and starts squeezing one so hard. Like just you wait. Soon as I'm done with this, you're going to be in a world of hurt. And I summon cronaut. Okay. So that's a familiar that you created in the non live version of this podcast. It's long gone now, but you can re-summon it. No, not in the, no, in the non canonical time. You've just been, listen. Or non canonical time. Have you just been re conjuring it constantly? He is kind of a fan favorite. Trav, he's not. I promise. No one likes her. Don't cronaut. Don't cronaut is, is a hit on tic tac. I'm going to say as you summon cronaut, he's the fart buckle of bad character. Yeah. Crone is a jack-o-lantern that grew wings and learned to love. He's got to be pretty soggy at this point. I have to imagine. Now this time, as you summon it and the available, the available resources around you, a small like jewelry box chest rises up from the pile of gold with big like gold coin wings as they flap and jingle jangle. And his little like lid is like flapping up and down like a mouth. So good. Okay. Cronaut comes to me. Okay. He had to have all the crown jewels back. Some of them will be nice and I don't think a jewelry box with some coins is any of them. And they're in a crown. Nice. Are they in a crown? That make a, just roll a d20 for me. Just a straight d20 roll. 11. Another 11. That's enough. As soon as you see golden box with these shimmery wings go up, it distracts, it distracts Robin. This fox who has spent his whole life stealing from the ranch and getting to the board and now in animal form. You see the light of the lanterns around glinting off of it and he starts like swiping at it in the air and he is very distracted and it is griffin's turn. Oh no, I've killed again. Oh well in for a penny, in for a pound I suppose. I'm going to cast lightning bolt in a line at the three remaining thieves on the outskirts of this battle. I'm going to need a dexterity 14 save from all three of them please. Nope. Nope. Oh, that's a 16. Marion saves. Oh good. That's a fucking, that's a good optic griffin. Yeah, that's thanks dad. That's going to be, okay. So the good news is made marines going to take half of the 33 points of damage. Okay. I'm terribly sorry I have this draconian policy about human beings. I feel like we're learning that if when you let these public domain characters off the chain, they're ready to fuck. Like anytime you let them off, they're ready to go. Yeah. I'm very much a freak on a leash. Okay, so you have now killed Will Scarlett, little John and firetuck. Marion. I want to leave. Marion is not looking great, but she is still. And she says all of that was deserved. They were terrible people. Tell me about it. How is Robin? Let me see him. No, he's probably going to go to beef city. But I can talk him out of whatever this hyper folks. You're late for that. You're petty human love. In the grand scheme of this beautiful world in which you inhabit, your love is completely meaningless. And she looks in your big bear eyes and says, but haven't you ever loved a human before? Oh. Say no, say no, say no, say no. Once. Many, many moons ago. But I'm afraid I've forgotten his face. I remember he was quite important to me at one point, but we were separated in these woods. And well, let's just say that I think he's probably dead by now. Okay. People in the audience who are allying. Mass murderer. He has killed four people. He ate the rooster. Okay. We cannot feel bad for him. He ate the rooster to death. He's also got a weird Randian bent that apparently you're all down with. Please let me see Robin. Fine. You might speak to Christopher Robin. No. Yeah. Robin Hood. And I stand aside. Okay. She enters the tent. I poke my head in. Sorry. Whoever said, but it's locked. I owe you a hundred dollars. That's. It is absolutely locked. Thank you. See, I get my axe after the show. Okay. My axe is yours after the show. I'm going to leave it right here. I poke my head into the tent and I say. Wait. Unlock it first. Oh yeah. I could wait. I'll be optical scanner. Hold up, main marriage retinas. I've killed all the other ones, but this human has something to say. She sees. Travis, the stage is yours. Thank you. Finally. She sees the, the fox-ified Robin Hood and she was repaired, right? To try to talk him out of his defy reverie. And she starts kind of fanning herself a little bit when she sees this fox-ified Robin. It's like, oh damn. And then. Yeah. He looks up from chasing this box and sees her. Right. And she's kind of wounded. And at first he starts like snarling and growling at you and he looks at you. When he, the booty says, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I. Okay. This is fucking crazy. I'm going to cast. Speak to speak to animals. Speak with animals rather. Yeah. Anyone can speak to animals. I cast speak with animals. I can, I can understand what he is saying when he says, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yeah. He says, what did you do to her? You monster. Sorry. She was hanging with the rest of the shitty bunch. Oh, those dickwads. Yes. They're dead now because of my actions. I'll have to process that later. And Marion says, what did he say? Oh, um, he says that, uh, I forget already. It's so boring. You're human love. Okay. Tell him that I said that we could be together and that he doesn't need to worry about any of this finance and money or anything anymore. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And he says, yes, I understand. He says he understands. And he goes over and he just very gently nips her on the arm. Oh, this is my shit. And she transforms. You two leave. Okay. We leave with the crowd. We walk out of that exact moment and we don't see anything else that happened. Wait, very important. We don't see very important. Do you lock the tent? Canonically, we lock the tent on the way out. We did it. We did it. The noises that come out of that tent will haunt you for the rest of your days. After afterwards. No. I'll poke my head out and say, it's just forest stuff. You guys wouldn't get it. It's beautiful. Give my regards. And we're going to end it there. Thank you everybody so much. Thank you all. Make sure you check out the posters. Check out the posters by Matthew H. Taylor out there. Thank you all so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. I'll see you next time.