#754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBam and coming to you live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Killtony, give it a try! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Brian RedBam. What's up? Oh my god. Have a one more time for the best standband and all the land, everybody. Brenno Castillo Rovalo, Carlos Sosa, Michael González, Nachos Belgronde. We have the great Dave Shayer playing guitar for us here tonight. John Dees on the Keys. And that's De Madness on the bass guitar. Everybody, they have the new Killtony band on YouTube and their hit single Pandemonium is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quo, Zipper Cruder, and Shopify. How you guys feeling tonight, good? Feels good in here. Feels real good. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Killtony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliff.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual Killtony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliff.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? A what? We are braving the freezing weather and what a warm hot show I have for you, ladies and gentlemen. Two of the biggest comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings on Planet Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you two of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for Bert Kreischer and Rick Engrel. Yeah, oh yeah. Rick Engrel. Sure, Kreischer. Let's fucking go. Yeah, buddy. Hi, buddy. FreeBert is out now on Netflix. It is one of the top shows on Planet Earth. Welcome back, Bert Kreischer. It's good to be here. I've been here all fucking week. And I will be here all week because of this goddamn storm, Tony. How many mistranslations do you think happened in Kitchens this Thursday before the storm came in? They were like, there is ISIS coming. Oh, fuck. Thank you. No. That took dead after a week, so I might as well get it out. Work out that double entendre while you can. Yeah. Exactly. Rick Engrel. It's a new special crowd pleaser is out on the Comedy Store YouTube now. Rick is one of the funniest fucking human beings on Planet Earth. Rick was the guest. Fun fact for those of you that consider yourself, Kill Tony fans. Rick was the guest on episode one of Kill Tony. Wow. Before it even had its name, it was called Hinch Cliffs the Notes with an apostrophe. There's a lot of people who said that my presence on Hinch Cliffs notes is what made Kill Tony necessary. It's true. It got the pilot picked up for episode two. We renamed it and the rest is history. What other names were in the running? That was another Ryan Red Band's second podcast. Yeah. Second. It was like his ninth at the time. The Ryan Red Band experience. Yeah. And now I'm the only person left stuck working with him. So it's funny how these things turn out. The privilege. Oh, what an amazing privilege it is. We love him. How about a hand for Red Band everybody? I mean, just adorable. Yeah. He had the limp roll the cat hair off of him earlier. He said, quote, the cat slept on my shirt. This is my business partner, everybody. You guys know how the show works over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all stacked on top of each other in an unbelievably disgusting bar next door, hoping and praying that they get pulled out of this bucket. I'm going to let the corpse of John Binay Ramsey pick the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. I can't believe she's here. It's amazing. The people that travel here for this show. It's absolutely incredible. Will justice, how does she work? So while we go. Well, there's not here. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian. And you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Who's very angry tonight, even though he likes the cold weather. He's very, very angry. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian. We have a special treat for you guys to start tonight's show. A regular who we haven't seen in quite some time. A master of the interview portion of the show. And the great return of the one and only ladies and gentlemen. If you know the words, sing along. This is Hans Camp. Hey. Hope you guys are staying warm. You know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road. And not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck our cocks. But the people who are in love with this show are not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck our cocks. But the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ice is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You can just give them more room to breathe. But I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be into deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three-gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun and under three minutes just in case I get car jacked at an antiferelly. And a flock of quail fly by. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. All right, Hans Kim. Here you go. Bert, you grabbed that mic quick. Oh, I didn't mean to. I just, you know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ice situation. So it was a nice thing you brought levity to it. Thank you. I'm kidding, I'm a lappin' all weekend. Hans, fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said. I didn't understand the three-gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happened? Yeah, that's a type of gun competition. It's just where you shoot around with the boys. It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about. But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist. That is true. Not a lot of people know this. Asians are the most racist people. I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021. Turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow or everybody forgot it all at once. And I got in big trouble and I needed to find an Asian to come in and be my token Asian. This wasn't the Asian? No, that's the Asian that I got to replace the old Asian. Uh-huh. Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian and we were talking about? No, it's, it works. I was like, there's no way Tony ever went for two. I mean, only one can replace the other. I mean, it was the Yao to my Ming. So it worked amazingly. Your life is good, right, Hans? Yeah, of course. It's amazing. Yeah, I'm doing great. Yeah, I went camping recently in Big Bend. Just out there by myself, just enjoying the Texas countryside, you know, just soaking it in. You went by yourself? Yeah. It was a serial killer shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a meditative, you know, getting to know myself. Just thinking a lot about my life and... Were you on your phone out there? Yeah. Oh, okay. So meditative. What else did you do while camping, Hans? Um, I smoked a joint. Um, you know, did some mushrooms. By yourself. Yeah, dangerous. Those eyes close all the way. Out in the woods by yourself, just like Helen Keller, like, ah! Or Helen Keller. That is correct. I love it. So Hans, how long were you camping out there by yourself for? Four days, three nights. Wow. But no myself. How often are you jerking off in this situation? It's actually really cold, so it kind of... You couldn't find it. His eyes are closed. He's got chopsticks down there going, I got it. Ah! Keep telling me more about this camping trip. So you didn't jerk off at all four days? I did once. Um, can you explain to us how that went down exactly? Could you imagine you're hiking through the Texas woods? And you come across what at first you assume is a sass watch. It's only to find out that it's an Asian guy masturbating on mushrooms. You expect that in Oklahoma. You don't expect that here. And the best part is he can't see you. So you and your family just circle around him and wait till he's done. He's high as shit, his eyes are closed. He's like a bruise dick. And your youngest is like, in between your legs. I want to hear more about camping. Yeah, I had a great time. Amazing, Hans. Why was he away for a while? Why by yourself? Awesome. Uh... This is easier to jerk off that way. I brought you guys out here to watch me get high in jerk off. This is what friends do, I thought. Did you see anybody else out there when you were camping? Were there other people? I saw a bunch of dudes just camping. They were like tactical men. Were they with each other? Was they were following the general rule if it's not as creepy if there's more than one? Yeah, they were a proud boy of men. Four dudes in tactical gear. Come upon an Asian in the woods. And then I can go, oh it's going on him. Lot Charlie Refretish. Oh yeah. We used to fight Asians millennials. You will again soon. Oh, Hansy boy. Alright Hans, another great new set. You got the show started for us. Thank you so much. Thank you everybody. Great job. And now we rotate over to the deer in St. Bucket of Destiny where we actually meet people. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll. It's big Vinny ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight. Does anybody have a spare ozampic they could throw up on stage? I could really use that. Has anybody in here ever gone fat splashing before? I'm sorry. That's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me. She found out her name in my phone was torta the explorer. Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her on in my phone as tortilla. That's been my time with big Vinny. Big Vinny. It's even in his name, folks. His entire identity is his weight. Meanwhile, he's the third-fatty guy up here right now. I lost. Sorry, Bert. We know we can do those jokes in LA. We know Red Band's number one, Bert. Number two. And medium Vinny here doing nothing but ozampic and fat jokes. So, yeah, it's slightly less big Vinny is what I've been going by. I got in the street there. I'm kidding, Bert, you're not that fat. You seem like you got love at the press. I lost 40 fucking pounds. I shit blood in the morning. Are you really on a TLP want? No drugs for me. Just run in and eat and write fucking. I'm a Teter, I get it, fuck you. Oh, let me make sure I'm eating right. He says, just did a minute of fat joke. Yeah. What have you eaten today? What food have you consumed since this morning? I just had only today. I really only had a chicken salad sandwich. Yeah, I made myself. Wow. Did you put grapes in it? Did you put grapes in it? No, that's fucking, there's a lot of sugar in grapes. It's bad for you, Bert. Damn. Jesus. Getting health advice from Big Big the first bucket poll. This is not good. It's a bit of a accused of not being fat. He's like, I better start telling people how to be healthy. So tell us exactly how you made the chicken salad then. Give us your recipe, Big Vinny. I had half a rotisserie chicken left for me today. Wow. The rotisserie chicken. The other half was dinner last night. Yep, correct. Good. So I pulled it apart and threw some mayo on there. You know, fucking little bit onion. Some garlic powder. Some salt. Fucking. Like that shit. And then I fucking threw some bolillo or whatever they call it from H.B. In the fucking oven. What is that last thing? A bolillo? Do you guys know what that is? Yeah. It's a little like bread roll they make. It's because they don't have like fucking fish baked bread here in Texas. They don't have like like like I mean like delis that I'm used to. I'm used to paninis and shit like that. What are you where are you from? New York. Okay. You live here now or are you just visiting? No, I live here. I've been living here a lot of past year. You got healthy here. Can I make a note? You're way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than you are your comedy. Yeah. Like you get really into these chicken salad. No, I do comedy almost every time. There was no part of the comedy where he gave like a little love comedy. But he wanted to make sure you guys knew that he wasn't just fucking salt chakering. I move around more when I have more time and like the minute I've disjorting up so most of my jokes like I don't know if you I could try to like do one or two and like length. It's okay. Big Vinnie. How long have you been doing the stand-up comedy? I three years almost. Three years. So two of it in New York, one of it here. Phoenix, Arizona is where I started right after the pandemic. Okay. What made you trade it around a lot? Yeah. What made you move to Phoenix? So I just I me and my brother wanted to travel like around and we've picked Phoenix. That's where we ended up like he found a good job and I figured out it would be a good place to start comedy. I don't want to start here since your connoisseur who has a better bread? Phoenix are Austin. Definitely. Oh, that's hard. They're both suck. But I'll give it to him being able to get bread. Yeah. Like there's a there's got to be an Italian bakery or there's somewhere. There's a ton of great times to go. Yeah, touch to touch a boom. Yeah, what's your take on on a brioche bread? That's okay. Yeah, I don't like it. It's hard to bite through when it feels like the meat squirts up too squishy. Chibata. Chibata. No, that'll I fuck with Chibata. No, Chibata's not bad. Yeah. A nice toasted Chibata. Welcome to another episode of Fat Tony every time. What are your thoughts on pump or nickel? Too much fucking shit going on there. Okay. I think I was talking bread. That's going to get America you know. I love it. Okay, so big Vinnie, let's talk about it. What's what's been going on in your life? What is that? The fat people talking about bread sound? Let's hear that one more time. I love the horn section. Roasting with a trombone? This is out of control. I think we just got baked. Yeah. Big Vinnie, give us a fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you. Something special that makes you you. I collect sports cards and that's like what I've been living off of selling that. And I sports cards and Pokemon cards. Singles. I don't set up a fucking the store with a tent and fucking scalp like those scumbags say. That's your job? Oh yeah. That's how you make money. So I was working at cheers for like seven months as a door guy but then after that I started selling cards and living off of that. So what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids in the West. No, and then you resell those. So I've had a single mom like I was hucking up with a single mom. Oh yeah. Guys, the joke I just had, I didn't know about this single mom store. I don't want to be accomplice in whatever. All right, go on. So she was having trouble paying the rent one month. And so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No. He had to say goodbye to his Charizard GX. Are you serious? How much does a Charizard go for? It depends which one. There's so many. Yeah, his collection was probably like $1,500 bucks. Later on. Yeah. Oh my God. You see what that mom is. It felt terrible. So single. What a bitch. And he took that $1,500. And he started a child trafficking ring. Crazy business plan. My God, 1,500 for our Charizard. No, it was like probably a binder full of like 30 cards. Oh my God. So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the time you were done pounding out the single mom? Uh, yeah, I left him with some Christmas gifts. Yeah. What kind of Christmas gifts? Exactly. Let me guess half a rotisserie chicken. Filled with Pokemon cards. A little brother that he won't pay for. Not unless those Don Mattingly rated rookies pick up in value. Meanwhile, the mom's sitting like, he's so Vinny, so good with my son. They just sit and go through his Pokemon cards. Oh, yeah. Oh, you got that buddy. Nice. Nice. You know, that's not that believable anymore. Oh, yeah. You don't want this one. This is worth nothing. So how much money do you think you've made? Slinging cards. If you had a guess, ballpark. Well, just enough to like pay my rent and stuff. It's probably like $20,000 less six months. So you're out there selling the cards. But how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal? So like I buy collections like people are trying to get out of it. Like obviously you got to pay like half of what the cards are worth and stuff. I can even less for stuff. You're like a coin star machine for cards. Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you say like $500,000 and said invests in cards, what could you turn that into? Oh, I could make that into it. Like how long are you talking? How long a time? Probably a foot and a half Italian sub. Full rotisserie chicken. This time with the grapes. Because when you got that kind of cash, you don't care about the sugars. I'm doing a GB. Have you seen Jake Paul talk about his card that he wears around his neck? He talks about the investment versus annuities and real estate. And it's fucking crazy. And he's a scammer. He's a scammer. Say that once again for the internet. Logan Paul, he's no good. Wow. Looks like I'm going to have to fight in a boxing ring in a few months. All right. Big Vinny. You were the first bucket pool the night. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Gotta start somewhere. Big Vinny, everybody. Here we go. With your second bucket pool of the night, ladies and... Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Oh, my goodness gracious. The crowd goes wild. Hello, everyone. I'm proud to say that this episode is sponsored by PrizePix. The big game is almost here. So, cash in during America's biggest sporting event with PrizePix. Where it always feels good to be, right? That also means it's your last chance to get into the football action before next season. Close the season outright with PrizePix by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Tony, PrizePix is the best. It makes my sports watching experience even better. My best friend didn't even know what a first down was. That's stupid girl. Now she's talking to me every Sunday about who she's playing with. About who she's picking for her lineup. It's so exciting and gets us all amped while watching the game. That's amazing, Red Bam. You can find your community on PrizePix with the new social feeds feature. You can share PrizePix with your friends. Copy lineups, you like, or use them as inspiration for your own picks. Plus, PrizePix now has early payouts. If your player gets off to a hot start, you now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. Download the PrizePix app today and use Cotone to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's Cotone to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Guys, PrizePix, it's good to be right. All right, your next bucketful goes by the name of Greg. Bergman, everybody. Greg. Bergman. Here we go. I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl. Beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non-binary. Which I gotta say, fellas, is the best of both worlds. You know, I come home from work. I'm going to, depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat the shit out of him. You know what? You get away with it. It's a man, oh, no, no, no, officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black guy I gave him. Not the other way around, you know? You get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I was signed up 57 times. I don't know if I'll be back. I have to tell Austin. I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look out. I do. I have the biggest dick in Austin. I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's odd. Allow me to explain. About 10 years ago, or Lincoln would say half a score, I got a penis implant. Made a movie about a big like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make it thicker not longer. You know? And I'm a little disproportionate. I gotta be honest. You're supposed to go twice. I went three times third time in a charm. I'm hung like a hockey puck. There's really a couple of cantitunists stacked on top of one another. But not that cheap bumblebee shit. Don't talk about that abacorp. That solid white meat. That's what I got. True. All right. Great Bergman. Oh. Great. I missed the big dick thing. Can you explain? I was trying to double-stewen three things. Oh, literally missed it. I have one. Big dick. Yeah. That was it? No. You really just have a big dick. I must have missed a bunch of it. That's good. Well, they would just... Who's thick? Yes. I have a penicent plant. And you really do? Yeah, I do. It's fun stuff. Yeah. What do you really do? No, I do do. Okay. So let's talk it. Let's start there. Yeah. I can't imagine starting anywhere else. Is it what I'm seeing right now bulging out of your pants? Yeah. Is that your dick? That is a fucking walk. I know. Touch it. And those are jeans. Touch it. It's not gay if it's an im-play. It's not gay if it's an im-play. Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my god. That dick is a little hard. No, no, that's just the plastic stuff. Does it stay like that? No. So, yeah. It hangs more because it is plastic in it. So... Bert, are you okay? That's fucking real. Yeah, yeah. I'm just... I just heard you tell a ghost story at a campfire and I got my tent and saw shadows. Yeah. You can dreams really do come true. That is a solid cock. And it's... It's limp. That's the one you want is the one that black guys have in the shower. That's it. This is incredible. We've been doing this show 13 years and I have 784 questions remaining. What... My first question is, why is Bert kind of hard? Now, this is how it goes. You have to touch Bert's and then it goes all the way down. Until Red Man comes in his pants. Alright, so great. I don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis implant? How odd. 2014, I made a movie about it. Go up big like me. It's on Tubi now. The director's cut down, too. Fantastic. And... We can watch, guys. Yeah, yeah. And... Tubi's the perfect network to pick yourself up. Well, there was just something we call Lung Hung Hero that got to South by Southwest. Two months before we were done with editing it. It just fucked me because it's exceptionally similar. So it's fucked me with festivals. So that guy now has cancer and... And Gumblad. Oh my god. But that little dick... He didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it. Can I make one just... Yes, sir. ...just in from a professional comedian to you? Yeah. You got to close with the dick, okay? You can't open with it because I can't stop looking at your dick. It's so prominent. It is like... I thought Bert was going to say, when you come out on stage to start your set, you just pull it out. And then do your whole set with your dick hanging out there. All of a star. I could be like star. I mean, you can make... It's the Arnold pants off with a big dick. Here's my idea. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out. It has a shirt on. Yep. And then you pull the shirt off and the crowd goes wild. This is why you're who you are. Okay. Exactly. So let's start with the question that everybody wants to know. Exactly how big was your dick pre-implant? Okay. So we're talking about... It can only make it thicker. That's not true. They have a big... Let's not argue about it. I know it's not deep research on this. It's not the expert. They can make it... No, it's true. Did you make any imping? You can get... Shut the fuck up. They're not making it up. Okay, shut off. They can make it longer, but only when it's flaccid. Nobody cares about that. So really they think this is what matters. It was a normal thing. Everything was normal. Or else it wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick, it's not funny. If it's a big dick, one's bigger. Normal dick, normal length, normal girth, maybe a little smaller, normal. Normal. In the statistical average. You're like fucking numbers. You went to a doctor. Okay, okay. Well, the average... The average... The girth is five inches circumference. That's where I was. So right in the statistical mean. But I blew my shit up. I went three times not twice. It's supposed to go twice. First of all, circumference. Can I see you? You got the measuring tape out? I got eight and a half inches circumference down. Like a Shane Diesel. Right next to him. Wow. I'm eight. He's eight and a half. Wow. Eight inches circumference. So that's... That's like... It's like this, Tony. Like this. For you to know what? Just for your reference. I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to... It's not... You don't have to... Eight inches around right now. Yeah, actually a little bigger when it's soft. Depending on humidity and stuff, it's first-rate. No, I know. Bigger when it's soft. Yeah, a little bigger when it's like almost all the way hard. It's a little bit bigger. It's weird. It's definitely weird. Rick. You know, but... Whatever. I'm just picturing the side by side of Florida and Phoenix. In the side. This is biggest your wrist. That's eight inches wide. Do we have a measuring tape? Just for a wrist. That side is exciting. Tony and Homo right here is like, yeah. Let's go. Here's what I'm wondering. Something that big, or you even think of it as a... Here's what I'm wondering. Something that big, or you even able to get it into a dude's butt? That was my next question. Yeah. All right, there's a measuring tape. Let's do birts right here. I mean, let's see what we got here. Because eight around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no, you're not the... What is a can? You're not insane. It's... Are you serious? Oh, birts got it. There we go. Wow. I'm old teeth, but I got it in. There's... I'll do this guy isn't the king of God, damn it. I'll do whatever you want. Mr. Birk. You want... Time people go, how did Birk get his career? We're just going to send that picture. And it's unbelievable. It's impressive. You need to... You need to lose the joke. Just talk about your dick. Okay. You have... Like, everyone has dick jokes, right? We all have dick jokes. It's such a staple of comedy. Right. And you have the best dick jokes ever. Because you have that thing. Right. Right. I actually love the opening joke, all day. Oh, the opening. Amazing. Yeah. It was. Let on. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Often on 15 years, but consistently, you're in a half. I was a little bitch. I... The comedy store a long time ago. I've seen it with like 20 years ago. I started. I started out with a bitch. I was a little bitch. I can tell. You have like show biz. You have like weird like shamwau guy energy stuff here. What I want. Like, you're very comfortable up here for... Well, not that's what I'm... I'm wildly nervous, actually. But get again to it. I could tell. Your dick's big as fuck. Yeah. If you were really... That's what happened. That thing we get... Oh, you don't want to be nervous. That's what happened. Oh my goodness, Greg. But how do you... Did you have that? Yeah, he popped out once. One time there was a guy on stage who goes, I came with a shamwau guy. I'm like, the shamwau guy's here. Let's get him out of here. And then he did... One time he goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere? And I go, yeah, he goes, I go, where are we going? And he goes, my mom's house. And I drove him to his mom's house. And he told me about how the reason he punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up. That's... Yeah, that's the same guy we met. Yeah. Yeah, no doubt about it. Yep. So, Greg Bergman, how old are you? 46. 46. 46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because again, you have these wacky energies. You have like perfect eyebrows. I did... Well, I did this mascara. I usually get it done, but yeah. I put... Yeah, you were right with the gay. Yeah, I figured it out. Yeah, you're right, David. Are those veneers, too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the hair? Did you get hair? No, the hair is old. It's a one-year-old. Nobody believes you. That's the... No, no, no, no, no. When you go 85% fake, no one believes you. That dick and teeth, everything else is real. Okay. Fake dick, hair, reals, a day. And my eyebrows are color... Color then. Usually I get them professionally, but... Eyebrows? I don't need money. But yeah, anyway. Okay. I've made some movies. Don't want to... So, I mean, some people did. And then I... I was a financial editor, and I did some stock kind of stuff. I mean, I went poor a few times, and went crazy. Give us your best story. Your best story that involves drugs and Andy Dick. Do you have one? Do you have any Andy Dick's story? No, I don't have an Andy Dick story. Wow. You... You gave us that dick, you would have an Andy Dick story. I know. I don't have any big story. Absolutely incredible, Greg. So, how did you make most of your money doing the financial stuff? Yeah, that and paid to do a couple movies, but mostly financials. I've had one investment like me. Nothing ever worked out, but they're good. Nobody gives a shit. And Italy, they know my dick movie. Let's go back to the fucking nitty gritty here. How much was the penis implant? How much did it happen? Being a sin plant is... It's 3,500 per... Per...injection. You're supposed to get two series of injections. I went three, but they gave me this guy, because I made the movie. And that's why I have what is unusually thick. You're supposed to have two. I went three times, and the third time you got more... You don't know how much you're getting every time. This is like a Hulk serum situation. Yeah. And then you bought... This is how... This is how super villains are made. Was there any side effects from the third injection? No, it just... Come on. No. There must have been something. Did it feel weird to pee or something? No, no side effects. Other than why I went to New Orleans. It's right after that you probably know Joe. You got this done in New Orleans? No, I got done Mexico. I think I changed this. It's crap. But he trained... No, he trained... God, you got beans in your burrito, dude. Yeah. If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery, I don't know if I got a Mexico. It's actually been quite good. Not to mention when they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back, they're gonna be fucking furious. That's your ass. Talk, Mule. Oh my God. Oh shit. You wake up, it's gonna be big, we promise. We ended up going with three shots. You have the dick of a Mule. Amazing Bergman. Amazing Greg Bergman. What's your love life like? Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections? I was married when I got these injections. Yeah. How did that end? Divorce. Yeah, but not because of it. Actually, she liked it more than before. Well, welcome to another episode of No Fucking Shit. Yeah, yeah. But I think the kind of... Maybe it was the kind of person who would do it. She left me. Why? Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man? No, no. She left me. The movie was got a little bit too much. It's taken a lot of time. Also, I had my dad... That's not funny. My dad's gets a friend, he used to die in hell. You know, live on the street with a saying. And I do draw. You know, not anymore. But I used to do a lot of draw. You know, what kind of draw? Just, you know, coke. Give us three more reasons why she left you. Yeah. You're really unwinded. What? Yeah, you did a little bit. It was a little bit... We grew apart. You're just saying, like, a... Grow apart. Yeah, amazing. You grew apart. Yeah, naturally. Yeah, naturally. No injections. Nothing to do with that. You're saying, like, the grow apart. Wow. Like, your vagal grew apart after she talked up for the first time. Yeah. Exactly. I've kind of blown away. Yeah? Yeah, this is really fascinating to me. Isn't it amazing? I cannot stop looking at his dick. It is, for those of you listening, wondering why it seems like we're all kind of staring. It does look like he has a... That's a fun thing. It's like he's like Pinocchio during COVID. Wearing a mask and you're like, I still know your Pinocchio. Yeah, it does. He looks like he has one of those, like, really good steakhouse baked potatoes in his pan. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream chives bacon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Twice baked with a little extra added in. Wow. You ever seen a Fupa? It's like a baby Fupa. It's like just on a Fupa. It's like a Fubu Fupa. Because it's black. Because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a Kiltzone Big Joke book that just so happens, I'm not kidding to have fucking King Kong, a giant gorilla on the front. Thank you. What better than me to get. Thank you very much. I liked the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big dick. But if you're going to do stand up, I agree. You should have jokes about getting a penis implant. You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Great Bergman, everybody. Wow. What an interview. What an interview. That is the first fake dick on the show that also happens to have a penis implant. I don't have one that's been making long, by the way. Is everybody good out there? You guys having fun? It's kind of like a... Sprouts never really been brought together all at one time yet. Mixed in really sphere next bucket pool. It's Eliezer Guzman. Eliezer. I know I'm saying that wrong. Guzman, everybody. Hey everybody. Tell those are again. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight. So I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I missed them. Yeah, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell in a lime scooter about a month ago and I fell on my right hand. I couldn't use it for a while and it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex-girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk. I was drunk so we made out. She was like, I want you to finger me right now. But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe it, you ever try to plug your charger in the dark? Like, I could have sworn the holes are right here. But if you didn't get that European... Elazar. Welcome. Welcome back. You've been on this show before I remember because your name is hard to pronounce. Yes. Elazar. What is that again? It's Jewish. Oh, wow. All right. I'm not Jewish though. You have a Jewish name? You're just trying to make it in showbiz? Yeah. Well, my mom's Puerto Rican so she was just trying to help you know what I mean? Nice. What's your dad? My dad is Peruvian. Okay. All right. Look at that. Unbelievable. Elazar. What does it mean? Does it mean something? It means God has helped. God is helped. Has helped. God has helped. Yeah. Not with your set up. How long have you been on stand up? I've been doing it 12 years. 12 years? Yeah. Wow. That's the funniest thing you've said all night. Where have you been doing it? New Jersey, New York. All over the country. In my bedroom. How long were you doing stand up in New York? About 10 years. Did you like it? Yeah. I liked it a lot. You love it. How long have you moved to Austin? I moved here about a year and nine months ago. Okay. What do you do for work? I work as a chef and I work as a dispensary. So I work as a dispensary. Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you? I make burgers. Yeah. Burger. He really helped his title there with chef. Yeah. I make burgers. Where are we making burgers? I work at NADC, but I'm trying to expand. That's a good thing to say to Philip. Yeah. We're all friends with the owner of NADC. It is an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. It's like heroin. It's absolutely incredible. What? NADC. Okie dokie. Yeah. I think I know. It was cool because he's like the first mass shooter vibe we've had of the night. Yeah. And to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool. Yeah. He said heroin and that guy said, yeah, need. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Anyway, now we got his dealers name. Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight? Yeah, it was. I was saying for 12 years, I would love to hear like an old joke that you know works. Yeah, you have like one of your favorite jokes that you could just show us. I'll find a new art. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes, make some noise for Ella Zarr. Everybody, here we go. I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My real father was a criminal. And my stepdad was a little person. So I had no one to look up to. Yeah. What? What? What? A lot of comics in the middle of the circle. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go ahead, go ahead. When I met him, I was just five years old. And he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom is like this is your new stepdad. I was like, my stepdad is seven years old. And it gave me weird confidence because he used to hit me. Yeah. And even when I was little, I was like, this bigger kid hits like a bitch. But what really messed me up is I met him when I was five. So I just started school that year and I was getting bullied at recess. So I was like, wow, those kids really meant it when they said they were going to fuck my mom. Wow. Wow. Look at that. Do that next time. You would think you would have done that in front of the millions of viewers. But he's just out here balling out of control, trying brand new stuff. Yeah, it probably a game it on this podcast. You like the guy in the orange? He's just jerking off in the corner going, now I'll do it myself. I don't want to come too quick the first time. I'm going to do this. I'm going to unload one and then I'm coming in. Yeah. Is your stepfather really a little guy? No. Oh. Oh, just lie to me next time. Yeah. He's just five, six. In a 10-minute-mage-it. Yeah. Elazar, tell us something crazy about your life that we've never guessed about you. I grew up Jehovah's Witness. Yeah. Used to be really fat, used to be like 300 pounds. How thick is your dick? That's the big question of the night. How did you lose the weight? How did I lose the weight? I stopped drinking for like four months. Oh. Yeah. How much were you drinking? Well, turns out it wasn't fat, I was just a drunk piece of shit. Were you drinking all day, all throughout the day? Pretty much. What's every day? What were you drinking gravy? Yeah. I-I-P-A-S. Baka's song, mostly. I-P-A-S will do it. I-P-A-S are a whole thing. Amazing. So Jehovah's Witnesses can't have medicine, right? No, I'm a Christian scientist. Oh, my bad. Jehovah's Witnesses don't have birthdays. Yeah. So how do you show up in this world? Um... Philosophically, they can't have a birthday. They are bored. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time? No, literally, literally my mom would be like, it's a special day today, and I'd be like, what is it? She's like, I can't tell you to check your birth certificate. That would literally be a... So you didn't get presents? I didn't get presents or nothing. No, it's just, I got used to it. Did you have cake? So Tina Turner. She's just right. What an abusive fucking thing. It's this special day today, bitch. All right, check your birth. And then you... When's the first time you celebrated your birthday? Uh, I was uh, 17. A bunch of my friends, uh, who are trying to get... make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness. I bet. They were like, hey, we're all gonna be at a bridge somewhere where you can preach to us. And I showed up to the bridge. A great friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a 30 pack of beers and they were like, happy birthday. Wow. What a surprise party-slash intervention. So it was something like, surprise, surprise for what? Your birthday. Oh, shit! I'm getting the fucking full boom-cow. Yeah. A great intervention when your friends bring you a 30 pack of beer first. Is your family still Jehovah's Witness? Um, yeah. My mom's really into it, yeah. Yeah, that's a... Wow. I mean, she's still awesome. She's like, she's a great mom, so... Oh, remember the part where she didn't give you fucking birthday, right? Yeah. Great mom. My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world. Old Silky Uncle Day. Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presence. That's fucked up. Wow. That's incredible. Uh, yeah. My birthday was pretty weird when I was born. When is your birthday? Now I'm curious. Um, August 21st, 1990. August 21st. Yeah, I was born premature, so my lungs didn't work. So, uh, the doctor told my mom that I was probably going to die, and she prayed to God, and, uh, she said, if my God, my son lives, I will give him to you. And because I lived, she named me Elazar, so that's why my name is... Ah. Oh, that's kind of cute. Oh, yeah. Wow. That's incredible. For her to come all this way and see him die on stage. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Before the big comeback. Elazar. He rose again. Elazar, you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute, so it's a medium joke book tonight. I think it keeps signing up. Oh, Elazar. Almost went to the attic. Chess. Right off the chest. God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Elazar, everybody. All right. I'm having fun here. We're cooking. Project Hill Mary is the cinematic event of the year. We're just counting on you, Dr. Grace. Strong Ryan Gosling. I'm not an astronaut. Two worlds. One impossible mishack. So I met an alien. Project Hill Mary. You are a bravest human I have ever met. It's joke. I only meet one human and is you. In cinemas everywhere March 19. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard. It's terrifying. Trust me. I know. When I started this podcast, I wasn't even sure what I was doing. What if no one listens? What if I make a fool out of myself? Ooh, what if no one buys my products? Now I know that I was right in believing in myself and launching my podcast. Despite all the fears and hesitation, it also helps when you have a partner like Shopify. And Red Band on your side to help. Tony, I love Shopify. It's the best business tool out there. Shopify is the comments platform behind millions of businesses around the world from household names like Mattel and Jim Shark to brands that are just getting started. That's right. It's the best thing that you could possibly be part of. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build beautiful online stores that match your brand style. Plus get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or scrolling. It's time to turn those. What ifs into. With Shopify today, sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com slash Killtony. Go to Shopify.com slash Killtony. That's right. She can talk and so can we go to Shopify.com slash Killtony. And here we go. Three word name. Your fourth bucket full of the night is Sharon Ruth. Hensley everybody. I'm going to share in the roof. Good evening, Keltz. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley. And I have two helpful hints for the mail of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience, be aware in Texas and a handful of other states. It is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If and only if you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, full ear rects, holding a 16 ounce bottle adjacent for size comparison. Thank you. Jesus fuck you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jesus fucking Christ. Sharon, what the fuck was that? Well, here's the deal, Tony. After the last time, I figured out that I being a naturally born female cannot ever possibly say something at all funny. So I should say something that would make my life easier when the onslaught of like your 10,000, you know, male followers. 10,000 male followers. 10,000? Wow. The big 10,000. Yeah. Let's check in with Rick Ingram here. The first thing is we got to send her a pick of that thick dick from early. Yeah. No doubt about it. We got to get that. We're correct. We're going to have to scan it on a printer because it's not going to be on an iPhone. There was so much insanity throughout that set. It was the implication that I've mentioned to you, my penis. When I was on last time, you did mention your penis twice. So I changed this set. What was the context of me mentioning my penis? It was just how hard you were. One time was not so much. One time was really hard. What were we talking about at the time? Which the first time was probably my set. The second time was that I'd shot somebody. I was just thinking a little bit out of context here. No doubt about it. I mentioned my penis very rarely. No, you did mention it. Was it a he-he-ha-ha? Did people go ha-ha afterwards, Sharon? Did they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how it gets made? Was it one of that thing right there? You hear that? That wacky noise? You hear that? I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if you were circumcised. And some people were like, they got it and they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, that came out of nowhere. No, he mentioned his penis. So I'm allowed to ask if you circumcised it. Okay, Sharon, Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Did you guys date at any point? Oh God. Sharon Ruth, you have three words to your name and not that many punchlines at all. This is incredible. When you were in high school, did you tell people you were like a cat or something like that? Yeah, that's a great question. You do have those energies. And I'm really a cat. My boyfriends and energy vampire. He's going to be a librarian for 300 years. Are you doing comedy other places? I am. Where? Like, what are you doing? How often do you try this? I did comedy in Spain last year. It was pretty cool. Well, they probably couldn't understand you English. They haven't pretty big English-speaking comedy scene. Uh-huh. Actually. Wow. Are you like the last guy? Do you have different jokes that are better than whatever you plan to do here tonight that nobody understood? No, I am technically more of a storytelling comic and a minute is kind of hard. Wow, we'd love to hear a 25-minute banger from Sharon Ruth Hensley. Wow. I think we're going to have to keep it moving. No, the main reason I wanted to come on is so last time... So I have a major anxiety disorder and last time I almost did pass on stage, nobody could tell. Oh, we should have been so lucky. At this time, it's not that much better. I was hoping that the nerves would go down a second time, but it's really hard to get to stage. I felt like you were nervous running through that. You felt like a hologram. Well, no, I wanted to get it in in a minute. I respect the minute timeline. No, no, no, no. I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way. I respect the joke and then make it... Don't try to cram it into a minute. I think that's where the disconnect was. Slow it down and find your pacing. It did feel rushed. I don't want to be shitty because I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before. I'll be shitty. You could have done that. You could have pumped the brakes on that and done it so slow that it took 20 minutes to get through that. Still, there's not a funny, unidentifiable moment. No, I didn't very intentionally. It is funny to a certain select people. Who are these people? Where are they? Can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the Killtony audience? Maybe them. No, what I wanted to tell your audience from last time. So I am not a person. Oh, God. No, no, no, no. No one can't... Like, alternate Karen Rooth, Sharon Rooth. Sharon, honestly. I am. What do you want to tell the Killtony audience, Sharon? I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you. I am not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience. So I should not be talking about things on stage until those pesky statute of limitations were now. There's no statute on attempted murder. So I should not have mentioned that last time. Okay. Wait, so you just possibly could get her arrested tonight and then...? Maybe. Sharon Rooth, you just mentioned it again. No, I know. Like, I'm like, well, already made the mistake. Like, let me lay into it. There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it. lose it. It's like ... ... I, uh... I feel like one of those Spanish people right now going like, I got it. You know, and I got your movie. I actually liked it. All right, Sharon. Did you get a little joke book last time? You got a little joke book before I'm guessing? No, I got a big one. Because of the interview. Because the audience demanded it. All right, Sharon. Well, Sharon, you get nothing this time. There goes Sharon Repentzley, everybody. Good Lord. Unbearable. You've upset Tony Pienes. Unbearable. Very good. It's a joke by your head band, everybody. There you go. There she goes. Sharon Repentzley, everybody. With the... Panted... Last... One last crazy glare in the eyes. Little eye contact for everybody. Oh my God. That's exciting. Yeah. Sharon... It might be time for Sharon to take a break from, uh... signing up. All right. We have a regular that's gonna sage the room right now. He is the newest force of nature regular here on Keltoni. Mixing legs for the great Dendrick Flan, everybody. Hey. What's up? Guys, uh, I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I'm gonna take the Greyhound no more. One time a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I say it again, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I called him is because my wallet was in my hood because he was cold out and I felt that nigga big toes scraped across my tummy. And then while I woke that she was right there in between his uh... Thumb toe... I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker. And he got strong legs. He got nice legs because you know how like daredevil his eyes don't work. So his ears is stronger. So his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit, I had to like... You know, I had to tug a war with this nigga. Then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talked about you cheating. You cheating because I had to use my arms and my legs. To get it away. It's when I finally got it. I stood up with my wallet and he stood up with me, but he is wearing a hoodie too with no arms, his arms is dangling. So when he stood up, he was like, what are you gonna do, Snitch? I was like, no nigga, we still got eight hours on this bus. I can't, Snitch. I dare you to... Because the other thing is when I write a greyhound, I got my gun on me and they tell you you can't ride with your gun. You won't get in trouble. Go to court. Go to court. If you took judge, you're like, why'd you have your gun? I was like, I want a greyhound and I got all of my teeth. They'll be like acquitted every single time. Because if I had woken up and that nigga had stolen my wallet with my gun, ain't nobody going, ain't nobody going nowhere until I find my Transformers, Velcro wallet. I got a, I got a Velcro wallet because I want people to hear me at least try to pay for something. Everybody would then hate to do it for you. You heard that? You're like, he did it best that he could. That's my tire, y'all, all of ya. Wow. A new two minutes from Dedrick Flynn. Twice as long as Sharon Ruth Hensley did, 29 more verifiable punchlines. Absolutely incredible, Dedrick. 17 less hexes. Unfortunately. Dedrick, that is fucking fantastic. Great job. Great job. I love greyhound material. Yeah. And dude, none of the people have written greyhound to know fucking just how sketchy that is. Isn't a pocket, like, you know when they drop the nukes and they have like a center where everybody meets, that's what the greyhound is. You don't know what year it is based on what niggas is wearing. When you get out of prison, they give you a greyhound ticket. Yes, I do. No, so you sit. The majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison. Yeah. I fucking took greyhound from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time. Wow. I remember when Biggie's album came out, I had headsets and a tape player or a CD player. And a dude had just got out of prison and he was like, what do you listen to? I was like, notorious bi-geek, he goes, Christy, your headsets? And that was it. They were hit. That's why you got to have a gun, Bert. You got to have it. Hell yeah. We all get robbed on a greyhound of emotions and nothing. Bottles get passed around on grids. Oh, yes, they do. Fucking experience. You feel bad that people are mostly vagabonds and drifters. But everyone on a bus no matter where you are looks like they're from Albuquerque. Yeah. It is a certain type of a... He's definitely a table from Albuquerque. Where the hell are you? Oh! Yeah. I stand by what I said. No, they look like that. Don't let them get on your bus and go back. Armadillo people. That's right. Deadjric. So you've taken the greyhound quite a lot? Not no more, I did before. Well, yeah, we know not anymore. It hurt. Yeah. It hurt in here. Like, is... When you get on air and you got more teeth than everybody can find. When I was on the greyhound. I noticed I was the only one with teeth. I make a stone my wallet. Cause I was there in Toree. On the greyhound where you feel too poor. Don't want to ride that ship no more. On the greyhound. On the greyhound. No riding no more. Greyhound. Well, I feel too poor. On the greyhound. With the mess the killers and the needles lie. There you money. Greyhound goes with you money. Greyhound goes with you money. They just have to use that as a commercial. They just have to own who they are and roll with it. They know. They know. They don't even have an inner calm in the greyhound one time. One time I went to the Atlanta greyhound which is the scariest place on earth. I literally cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like the greyhound station would be too much. I was right outside of the strip club. The board is terrified. I walked into a lady and said when is the bus to Charlotte? I looked at her and she was looking at me and she went the bus to Charlotte. They said 32 minutes. What did you say? Don't yell at me. I'd rather be on frontier and niggas hate frontier. You know, Atlanta greyhound station is dangerous when deadjerk is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John Dees does right now. You had your fucking ski mask. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You haven't figured out John at a comedy show. He's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is. You know what? He got it right? It doesn't work. The joke doesn't work. If the power went out, we was going to start looting. We got to make our kill Tony Money somewhere. I don't steal but I loo. No doubt about it. Group synergy is different. It's a greyhound in Atlanta right by Magic City. Yes it is. I've been to that greyhound. Wow. You know exactly where the greyhound station is. Yeah, I was just there. At the greyhound. At the fucking greyhound. You know you got money. You don't have to be there. My father-in-law doesn't. Fucked up. He called you. Come get me now. And Magic City has the best wings in town. Yes they do. The lemon pepper. Shout out to Magic. Shout out to Magic City. Atlanta Jordan. Oh my god. Deadrick your set was absolutely fucking incredible. Very good. Very fucking good. You guys, you're going to tell you just a little bit about it. Yeah. You guys, you're going to tell me. You guys, you're going to tell me. You guys, you're going to tell me. You guys, you're going to tell you just like, there's such an energy. It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like when you came up, you kind of owned it. Well, it's like, you know, when you watch ice skating, it's not enjoyable at all ever, you mean? Hey, Bert, what's the ice skater? You're the opposite of ice skaters. And that we've all enjoyed it before. What are you watching ice skating? How do you enjoy that? No, but it's like when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is going to be, okay, I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comment. Yeah. Are you having, man? Yep. A ride thing to start, ladies and gentlemen. Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign of a black guy that you're doing it right. Come on. Yep. Come on, man. Thank you so much. That guy rode the Greyhound here. The actual pickdog. Everybody rode the actual dog with his cowboy hat. How big on get you? Yeah, get you. One more time for the great Degic Flan. Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleans the room of Sharon Ruth. And please nasty, nasty attitude. Tony. Last time I was on you, talked about your penis in a comedic way. All right. Your next bucket bull goes by the name of Zack Townsend, everybody. Here we go. How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad too. Now I don't know if I want either one. You know, I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no. No, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yeah. Get my fingerprints off it. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too, because all the worst people I know hold their sideways. You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money. You're like, baby hanging off the hip at Walmart. You know, some white woman and cookie monster pajama bottoms, even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been a Houston before. You know what I'm talking about? The baby's coming. The tears are coming this way. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too, because I know I see one out on the street. I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know, and I don't know about you guys, but whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of like a female teacher banging their younger male students. We got to pay these teachers more money, right? So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age, because it's super easy to wine a dime a 15-year-old. You just fucking say six, seven while you juggle their balls a little bit. You know, it's all right. I'm sad. Thank you guys. Wow. Wow. That motherfucking town's a... Amazing, Seth. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. How long you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Fuck yeah. Where are at? I live in Nashville, Tennessee. Awesome. We love Nashville. Thank you. Look, got you down to Austin this week. Oh, man, by Bert Kreischer, actually. I was opening it for him at the Moody Theater. Oh, amazing. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Amazing. He Christ. I love it. I was like, man, you better do fucking good. I love that. You Christ, man. I think you're fucking hysterical. Thank you. I think you're so talented. That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea that you had anybody here, that anybody even signed up. We got fucking lucky there. Yeah, I was supposed to go home last night, and then I thought the fucking... The ice is crazy, and the weather's bad, too. And... Yeah. You said that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible. Yeah, and then... So I stayed. I'm made... It's amazing. Zack, so have you lived in Nashville your whole life? No, I'm from Connecticut, originally. Okay. And I started comedy in Tampa. And I've been in Nashville. Shout out to Tampa. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love that. He's sober right now. He's getting married. Yeah. Oh, damn. Nice. Well, yeah, I'm also sober, like, for my career, too. But, uh, yeah. How long have you been sober, Port? Since December 29th. December 29th. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Not that I'm counting or anything, you know? Jesus. Let me ask you this, because... Game recognized. Game. What exactly did you do on December 29th? For your going away last hurrah. How high did we go? Wait, I don't know what they're going to say. Tell two lies in the truth. Tell two lies in the truth. And we got to guess which one. Okay. What happened on December 29th? Okay. Two lies in the truth. I went out to a bar with my friends. I went out to a bar with my friends. Or I got blacked out on wine and had my coke dealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine. I... I'm guessing. No. I'm guessing all three are the truth here. Actually, you got to go. Yeah. Take us through it. So you got drunk on wine? Yeah, we're supposed to be just a chill night. Like, my friend just had a baby and they came over. And then the baby came over too? The baby was over too. There's like a picture of me like drawing a hang in the bin. I was like, oh, they're never going to eat. You're holding the baby side. Yeah, it's like, give it to me. You know, I was like, just disgusting. Let me make this a joke. Yeah. Can I blow on his stomach? That's a little blow, Zach. Someone bring me a gun. Yeah. I was told it in sideways and shit, it was awful. I was told it was going to try this. Amazing. So then you had a little pulp fiction moment. You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be ketamine. Yeah. Well, I think one of my buddies told me it was ketamine and I just was whatever. It's all my nose. Who cares? At this point, you know. How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that. Yeah, I don't remember much if I'm being completely honest. Like how I made... There is like video... I went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass trying to get back in. And there's like video on the rig camera from my fiance being like, hey, you fucking... You want to see this? And I was like, no, I'm good, actually. I don't... I don't want to really... I woke up, my hand is all fucked up. I was like, ah, fuck. Can you please grab that video and post it? Yeah. I felt drunk... I felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head and knock myself unconscious and it got 5 million views. Amazing. Susak, you make all your money doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, yeah. I do stand-up in a sketch comedy too. I love it. What does the future wife do? Uh, she's a private... I don't know if I should... She's like works for like the government. Okay. Yeah. Perfect. They're doing a lot of good things for me. Yes. She makes all the decisions in my household, yeah. Is she in charge of rangeline or anything like that? Yeah, you should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now. Ah. Sac, you are so funny. Well, thank you. Where can people find your stuff? Uh, on Instagram at Zach Townsend underscore and on paid vacation comedy on YouTube. Yeah. We did a sketch. We actually did a sketch about Kill Tony. I don't know if you saw it. Was it the... The video game. Oh my god. Yeah, that was so awesome. Yeah. I thought you guys are awesome. So we're like, yeah. Okay, I'm going to love that. We loved that so much. Literally like our favorite thing. We were, we sent it to each other and everything and all around. Absolutely hilarious. Yeah. I think you guys should make the video game too. I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table. Right. Everybody's hitting me up about it. There's like, it should be a real thing. I absolutely agree. We've talked about it before. Could totally be down the line. How long are you in town for now? I leave tomorrow. Yeah, I got shows this week. So I got to try to get back. If I can get back home tomorrow, I've got to try to get back home. Amazing. Well, we, uh, how about, uh, how about you come back when next time we do the bridge stone arena in Nashville and do a spot on there? Oh, and I absolutely love to do that. I would love to do that. Yeah. Follow this man. That's Zach Townsend. And repost the, uh, video game sketch and tag us in it. And we'll repost it. Oh, yeah. It's so funny. Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. One more time for Zach Townsend, everybody. That's crazy. You just picked them out. Oh, yeah. Great stuff, man. All right. We're having fun now. Look at this cooking on the back half of this episode. That lit starting with that horrible monster of a lady. Oh, my God. It's incredible. And who could forget Big Vinny? Big Vinny. Great Bergman's fake cock. Elazar deciding to do a brand new untested minute in front of five million people. That's Sharon Ruffensley. And then the tables turn. Let's see if we can keep the momentum as the bucket has decided that up next comes Angel Diaz, everybody. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Yo, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. Fuck. I actually have a real life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Fuck me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right. Well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment like really bad. Like, all right, this is a text message thread between me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right, this is what I said to that. I said, Mr. landlord, no, all right, I said, Mr. landlord, man, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. to fix the AC unit? And this is what he said. He said, you short, little Mexican man. Now, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He said, I'm he said, he said, I am doing a live stream set on the radio. Please, oh, fuck, please tune in online. And I will come around for it. You won't believe who the fuck is a DJ. Oh, damn, you know what? Yeah, you'll give it up for me. I just did good. Fuck. Angel Diaz. Yeah. Oh, the old butt slap of Angel Diaz. Fuck yeah. He opened and closed the little ass laugh. I love it. I like it. Yeah. Bringing the right energy. Fuck yeah. Yo, what's up? It's Wagger and confidence and stage presence. Unlike almost anyone that's been up here taking it. Hell yeah, you're in, yep. I'm a good guy. I don't know. What else the fuck do I say? What else? Wow. Look at you, Angel. How old are you? I just turned 26 last week. Yo, give it up for 26. OK. They don't have to give it up for everything. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, Angel. This is like if rage against the machine was a homeless guy. Yeah. Shit. Feel like he's going to make noise for every question I as me. Give it up for working at a vape store. What do you do for work, Angel? Yo, I have no job whatsoever. No. No. Yeah, I have no job. How do you survive, Angel? Take us through a day in the life. So all right. So I've been going out of state to go steal shit. Oh, this is amazing. Yeah. Give it up for stealing shit. OK, there you go. You've got many. Give it up for him being so thoughtful at least go out of state. Yeah. There's a third butt slap. Sell it while you're still in the other state. You don't want to cross state lines, just a little advice. What did you just say? Perfect. Nailed it. Angel, do you really make money stealing shit? Well, not really, but kind of. Well, if I steal anything, it's for myself. But if you need bounty, I don't know. That's the type of shit I'm stealing. Like paper towels? Yeah, it's bad now. Can you give us an example of sometimes that you've stolen something? Well, allegedly. Oh, you are a natural angel, Diaz. I might bring you back just for interviews. Well, I like you some shit bounty, which is a way of saying amount of money for something, but he actually meant paper towels. Yeah, exactly. It's definitely going to California to do this, right? Oh, what was that? The California? Yo, I don't know what this guy is telling me. I'm sorry, I can't hear him too well. You're OK. Give it up for California. Angel, so take us through it allegedly. All right, so yeah, I'll pick up maybe three things that, yo, am I going to go to jail for this? No, no way. You are protected. This is a comedy show and everything is a joke. Yeah, but nothing leaves this room to you. Yeah. This. But what if they catch me on camera? You know what I'm trying to say? We're like, yo, this is you. And this is you talking about it on the show. I got good news. For you, everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you. So there's no way you can get in trouble for this. I'll keep going, Angel. Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter, Angel Diaz. Now, yes, I'll just walk in and then like, I'll just walk out with a whole bunch of bounty. And then like, I'll sell it to the first person who needs bounty in their house. You know, like, is anyone subletting a room? Hold on, Angel. Seriously though. Have you really stolen bounty paper? Well, it's between bounty and spray paint. And so like, I can't, honestly, I really can't talk about it too much because right now, I have like an open case. Oh. Wait, Angel, absolutely stop talking about it. We thought you were talking about it, allegedly. Well, let's just talk. By the way, I would just argue that if you'd talk to the judge, I think she's going to let you go. I don't know. Yeah, all right. Can I just walk off now? No, no, no. You are like a fucking go-mock. Yeah, we might keep you here all night. Like, we're like porn directors and this 18-year-old girl just showed up because I don't know my dad. We're like, all right. This is incredible. Angel Diaz. So what exactly, you can talk about this. What exactly is the open case for right now? Well, honestly, it's for graffiti because I got caught. And so pretty much it's like this. It's like, well, allegedly, they saw me. I got a two-catch phrase. It's a butt slap. And allegedly. Yo, I'm going to do the butt slap on my way out and they better be funny. I don't know. All right. So yeah, pretty much, they call me on camera, like the NYPD. They call me on camera. Pushing like an old graffiti writer. And they were like, yo, this is you. And then like, this is you pushing the old man. And like, I couldn't deny. I'd be like, no, I don't know. That picture seems a little blurry. So like, that's pretty much what I've been up to. Yo, so how you, so how, yeah, I got a, what's your name? No, I don't know. I'm sorry. It's an angel. Don't ever change. I don't know. I'm sorry. Yeah. Don't work in a perfect door. What do we do? Let's keep it. I know. I want to hire you. Like it's a bug. I want to hire him. He's just waking up every morning of the tour bus and go, we need bounty and spray paint. Angel? I love Rick's idea. Put him in a Mason jar and just show him off. All right. If you shake him a little bit, he slaps his butt. Look. Angel Diaz. So you leave it up for air hole. Oh. Oh. Yo, can you, can I have that water? Is there any chance you guys could crack that water? Oh, yes. Please have a delicious water. Angel Diaz, what is your living? Wow. Oh, my goodness. See, you wouldn't have gotten wet if we had that Mason jar. I wish I had a faster right now. I'm a little wet. Angel? Angel, what is your living situation in Austin, Texas? Right now, do you live here now? Well, like, well, not allegedly. I kind of stay with my sister when she just had a baby, so I can't really stay there. Is anyone subletting a room? I'm going to stop it. But I'm going to stop saying that. I'm sorry. But seriously, you live with your sister? Yeah. Where's she lives in Austin? Yeah, North Austin. How long have you been in Austin? Wednesday since last Wednesday. Where did you come from? New York City? New York. How did you get here? I took a plane, bro. Well, no, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight. And if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus, buddy, it's you. So by the way, the judgment he showed towards the other kill Tony guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now. Yeah. So fucked up. Tony, who do you think I am, man? I took a fucking spirit flight. Yo, I literally took a spirit flight. No. Do you remember your boarding position by any chance? I was a D26. Oh, my God. That's pretty much last, right? I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like. OK. Does anybody see my pants? Dude, the guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet. All right. Dude, date? Yeah, yeah. Can I shout my girlfriend out? Nope. Yeah, sure. Can I? Yeah, someone believe it out? Shut up, you're honnivon. OK. I'm sorry. I should have never said that. There you go. She is now under arrest. DeMadness is actually going to bang her right now. You are fucking lonely. OK. Angel, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? So I met her at a park. And yo, but it was crazy the way I didn't meet her, though. So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes and then I was like, um, so I went to the store. Are you OK? He's, we're watching a lunchy. When she's sitting in the park and you walked up, he said, yo, I'm the quicker picker upper. Fuck, yes. Watch Free Bird out now on Netflix. I fucking love this kid. I know. Me too. How much do you cost? Yeah. We're not telling him today. I'll fucking pay for this kid just to be around me all the time. Yeah. Boom. Everybody loves him. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm going to stop. I'm going to love it. Bird, I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get. And when you purchase him, rate up for $2,100. I'd be like, I'd be like, I can get him for $35,000. Yeah, I'm more like $4,000. More like I'm going to, no doubt. He's a tough negotiator, Bird. He is angel D.S. $25,000. Keep your third one, Bird. A master negotiator. I'll do it for four. Is anybody leasing a room? Angel D.S. will sleep in the gas tank of your tour bus, Bird. Just give me a, I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray paint and paper towels. I'll fucking do art. I'll fucking deck out your bus, Bird. OK, angel. So let's talk about what jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all. So I used to work at a hallal shop. And then I worked at a top, yo, yo, does anyone, is anyone going to pick that glass up? Like, what is going on? He's like a fucking goldfish. Is anyone? Is that anything? The head of the round, he's like, fuck it. Yo, I better hope no one's barefoot. Jesus Christ, you know? He better hope. He better hope. He better hope. Hold on, wait for this hope. Is it coming? They better not hope, but he better hope. That was Obama's initial pitch. Better hope. Better hope. Angel, you are so naturally funny. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for like two years now. And yo, actually yo, if I had my phone, yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do comedy in Austin. You fucking hate your guts. And like, I can't even, yo, I don't want to blow them up. All right. I don't want to, I don't want to, are you serious? Yeah. There's something so magical about laughing at someone and not with them. No, I tell you, come on. I'm so different. It hits different. His reactions to normal everyday things are unbelievably funny. It's like, crowd work I've never seen before. Are you serious? Is crazy. You better hope nobody's barefoot is insane. Like, these are things. I mean, Rick is a crowd work god, but I'm not quite sure. I've seen anything. Always de-exing the audience, Rick. I mean, as a crowd work, Sid Floyd, you must admit that I'll say this. I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowd work. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there. And to hear it said, I went, yeah, that makes sense. This guy's a master. Crush and water. I mean, the dude is doing it. Yeah. Even the way he hydrates his next level. Yeah. He hydrates like he's very thirsty. Yeah. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off. Why do you want to walk off, Ben? I don't know. I just want to go home. But why? What are you going to do when you get home? What are you looking forward to? So you're actually, I got a watch that second half of Oppenheimer. So like, I'm excited about that. Oh, my god. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with them. I can't even fucking imagine. You're, they just split the atom, man. Real, man. I know what he was barefoot in there, dude. That's radioactive. Shit. Do you imagine going home and his sister and the baby sitting there while he watches Oppenheimer? Can you walk me through what you've seen in Oppenheimer so far? Yo, so I saw the part where they were like, oh, oh, I did. So they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys. And then they were like, yo, maybe you're the one who could help us really build this shit. And they were like, yo, so who are we fighting against? And they were like, yo, the Nazis. And they were like, all right, let's just go fight it. They just go, all right, bet. So I think maybe a movie review podcast is, oh, my god. What's a movie that you finished recently, Angel Diaz? What's your favorite movie? Oh, OK. My favorite movie is the Tallahaga Knights. The world famous Tallahaga Knights, everybody. You know it. You love it. Everybody's seen it. Oh, yeah. With old Larry Bobby. Yeah, that's the one. I'll let you know. You could not write this if you tried. Just give up. And it's pure. This is absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little synopsis? Yeah, a little synopsis of Tallahaga Knights. OK. So pretty much it starts off with a guy that, like, he's like a race driver guy. And then like, fucking towards the end, he gets his like, his bitch took. Yeah. Yeah. And then he has to like, kind of like, stun on her like, yo, I just came in number one. And then like, the guy, the guy is like his best friend that took his bitch. Keep that in mind. So he's like. Keep that in mind. The name of the podcast. That's coming back. Take that in mind. This is, yeah. Wow. That's so good. I'm an, I'm an, I'm an, this interview has gone on too long, but I'm going to ask what's one more movie that you've seen? Like, what's the serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. You ever seen Forrest Gump? How would you explain Forrest Gump? So in Forrest Gump, I started off. Now I'm kidding. I was just trying to be Forrest, but now, all right, that was bad. I'm actually going to walk off. Now, I've seen, yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. That was a question, right? What do you remember about Forrest Gump? That he was kind of a little stupid. And then, but, yo, but somehow he was there for everything. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, I don't know. Like, it was just like, yo, let's just have this dumb guy as like a fly in the wall. Like, that's pretty much the movie. Oh, he's back. Oh, he's back. He's back. Do you know how that movie was sold? How? The pitch is a movie about a lucky retard. Wow. It's where the guy's in the room. And the guy goes, I'm in. I love it. Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense. Angel Diaz, I hate to do this. I've been doing this so often lately. And it's a real fucking problem. The internet's going to hate me for this. I think Red Bant's furious. He's already groaning over here. But Angel, you are absolutely priceless. And you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here. On the real point. There you go. There's the bunch slap. Come back again, every with the whole world it needs to see you again. Yeah. You're about as welcome as it gets in Austin, Texas. By the way, Angel Diaz, holy shit. My God. He was real deal. Real deal. Where there's going to be shit missing from now on around here. Tony, right before he walked off, he goes, right before he walked off, he goes, yo, can I throw this water in the crowd? No, no. No. No. He is real trouble. Every once in a while, you need a little, add a little fucking pepper to the mix, a little diablo sauce, if you will. Angel Diaz is the newest winner of, I'm getting word, the mother ship is out of paper towels. Wait a minute. Why? Somehow turn them into PCP in the back. All right. Well, what's sister's going to have a fun day when this comes out? Oh God. Hey yo, so check it out. Like I have a reason to stay now. I'm going to leave my bitch in New York. And the court, I'm just not going to show up the court. I got a whole thing going on now. Court's not happening. Court's not happening. He's going to, he's going to avoid that case in New York City. All right, your next fuck up poll. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next fuck up poll goes by the name of Andrew Lowe, everybody. Andrew. Oh. Yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y'all? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y'all, that I look like hide from that 70s show. And yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that. But yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys? Right? Now I'm just going to need to do a couple rapes, though. We did do a couple rapes. So I just like the thing that the guy that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while. I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, I don't know if you're probably not going to see him in anything, actually. You're probably going to fucking see him in jail. You'll see him there. But yeah, yeah. So don't really fuck with that. But you know what I do fuck with, though? I actually have a question, guys. Have a question for the audience. Be honest. Does anybody out here use the coin stars? Anybody use the coin star before? Make some noise. Woo! Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke ass bitches. I'm not talking shit, though, because I'm a broke ass bitch. Obviously, I'm a comic, right? But if you haven't used the coin star, if you don't know what it is, it's this fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you just bring all your saved up coins, and you just fuck with it. Andrulo, everybody, trying to get through it. Do you have, were you getting that towards the end there? Close. Close, close, ish. Now, it's good, though. OK. All right. OK, Andrulo, maybe it's just that angel DS. We get angel back, yeah. Yeah, I did. Thanks. I did request that angel perhaps he might be back at any. What if we had angel do the same material? See if. Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance? Do I material written down? Yeah. No, I got it. OK. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have, just like he did with movie reviews, we're going to bring angel back. And we're going to have him watch your set. And then he's going to give a synopsis of what you talked about. Is there any chance we have angel back there? Is angel still here? I think angel left. He's here. We're getting where he's already finished up in Heimer. Ice. Got to guess. Ice agents have taken him and decided to release him. The Ice agents love angel DS. He might actually be the one that could solve all of the America's problems right now. Is angel here? People hasn't been able to get him? OK, we have him. All right. He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long you been doing comedy? Probably like three, four years, give it a take? Three or four years. One thing I liked was you said, I don't know if you guys have seen the news. And then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the hide raping. I mean, it was on the news recently to be fair. He was? Yeah, just the trial of the news. That was why somebody brought it up to me. OK, I've gotten a word, ladies and gentlemen, that they were able to retrieve Angel Diaz. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Angel Diaz. There he is. Why is the plot? A lot of people are saying America's new favorite comic, one of the all-time greats of superstar Angel. Here's what we're going to do. I want you to stand back here between Michael Gonzalez and D Madness. I want you to watch Andrew Lowe's set. Give me some notes. And then I want you to give, like you did with the movies, I want you to give a synopsis of what he talked about. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Lowe, everybody. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. So let's get actually, let's really be honest, though, because I didn't hear enough people make some noise, because I know, yeah, yeah. Has anybody used the fucking coin star make some noise? Thank you to my fellow workwitches out there. All right? So if you haven't used the coin star, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine. You find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you walk up at your saved up box of coins, or whatever the fuck you keep it in, right? And you just walk up and you shh shh shh. And that's the thing. It's so fucking loud. It just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that you know you're not really doing so good right now. Right? Right? Because nobody's using the coin star. I was like, oh, I saved up some coins. I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, yeah, no, no, no, it's me. High as hell in my Nike slides. Just like this needs to be $70 somehow. Or I'm totally shit out of luck, but it's not. It's like $40 minus three, because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee. I'm down this bad. And you're just going to fuck me some more out here. And it's like, well, yeah, because you're still going to take it like the good little coins let that you are. Thanks, guys. This is my time. I appreciate it. All right. Two sets from Andrew Lowe. Here's the synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel step up to that mic. And if, let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Lowe talked about, how would you describe it to them? Yo, pretty much this guy is broken shit. Oh. So you said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart, nigga? Like, bro, you are broke. At this point, the only thing you're trying to find is probably those old coins. I feel like that's your lucky thing. Should I play? No, you know what? I just gave this guy a kiss here. Thank you. Synopsis. I do take it to the Walmart. Sometimes, A, C, B, it depends on how it feels. There's a synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel, you're not playing any instruments. I just might make you like a band member full time or something. You're not going to do anything. You're not going to play like a, uh, uh. Yeah. Yo, actually, I do. I know how to play the, um, is it? Yo, I know how to play. I know how to play, um, the double keyboard. No, not, no. You're not going to replace one of these guys. You're going to be an addition to the band. Wait, wait. No one calls me double. Double keyboard. Oh, you know. I can play the double keyboard. Get your goddamn single keyboard, the fuck out of here. I don't know how to play that. It's called piano. I can play the piano. The best was the look around, though. What do I play? Oh, of course, the most common instrument played by human beings, the double piano. Angel, you know what? We're going to give you as another can of delicious water. Bird, hand him that can of water. Here you go. Let's open it away from me this time. You've earned it, Angel. Wow. Somehow, a completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. Somehow, you've got so much bounty. I'll say this, too. Angel's such a good presence that Andrew Lowe's set got better and better. Yeah. And we got to hear the whole coin start thing and it made more sense. I'm like, oh, this game ain't going to be good. We'll never know how many people were laughing at the coin surmaterial. Like how many people in the room were slowly picking up on that angel literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch movies, Angel? You have to, yes, I'm actually very blind. I have a 1320 vision. I don't know. I don't know what else I'm sorry. I don't have no idea what else to talk about anymore. I don't know. At this point, I'm just lying to everybody. Perfect. The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect, Angel. I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket. Amazing. It's going to be a real hoot nanny next time you're off. And everyone's like, Tony, he can't miss. You found a full-bodied retarded magic. Look at him. Was anyone else shot up in the same clothes? Oh. Michael Jordan of something. There he is. Sound effects for days. Every time he does something, something happens. All right. Andrew, low fun times, just for the sake of your entire set being about, or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here. Here's a big joke, book. There's nothing that can't be said. There's nothing that can't be said. You had to be here for what happened before you. I think you got a golden ticket, Angel. It's a little better than a joke book. You had a golden ticket, you got a joke book. I'll give you a joke book. There you go. That was for a soul. Hold on to those things, Angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway, though. I could tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survived. Can I get those cigarettes up? Quick, Tony. Is that a big smiley one more time for Angel Diaz? An Andrew, low everybody. There they go. Where's one more butt slap? There goes Angel. All right. This has been a long episode. So this will be your final bucket pull of the night. And he goes by the name of Spencer Boone. Everybody are gonna Spencer. I like hot dogs. And my mom has a tramp stamp. You can forgive your mom for getting a tramp stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 and her third divorce. I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird in its gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears. And I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands. They're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite, though. I grew up loving the goofy movie. It's a great movie. I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs. Sorry, I'm Spencer Boone. Thank you so much. Ah, Spencer Boone. Very funny. Welcome. Thank you. Hey, how's it going? He's got a great intro. I like hot dogs. Fits the face perfectly. Thanks. And the body. And the body. No doubt about it. Spencer, how long have you been on standup? Over six years now. Six years. Where are? Last three here by started in Virginia. Nice. What do you do for work? I work at a rock and roll in a horror movie shop. Oh, sweet. Yeah. Is that for you? Yeah, there's one right here on the six street. Right down there? Yeah, across from Bolken. Yeah, I still have not been there. I need to go in there. Yeah, we've got a bigger one in South of Mars. It's pretty sick. I love it. Hell yeah. I love that. You must get interesting people coming in there. Anything crazy ever happened there? Um, man, a lot of dudes with autism coming in. Yeah, I'd be honest. Well, we also sell toys and figures. So it's Ninja Turtles and wrestling figures and stuff like that. And you meet all sorts. Yeah. That's awesome. There's always a guy walking in. I like turtles. And I'm like, yeah, I got you. Yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you worked there? I started working there in 2023. OK. Yeah, I like it. Hell yeah. That's so fucking cool. Out of all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles, how many of them would you say are virgins? Oh, God. Sadly, it's usually dudes with families. Oh, that's cool. It's not a lot of virgins. Yeah. It's like dudes coming with their kids. They're like, we all like turtles. I'm like, hell yeah. Wow. It's a family affair. Passing that shit on. Yeah. Collecting shit they don't need, you know? So do you have to know about all that shit to work there? Two degree helps to like know about movies and music. Because we have bands ranging from classic rock through like death metal. So it's like, it's also a merch store. So the more familiarized you are, the easier it is. OK. Fuck yeah. What do you do for fun, Spencer? Go to a lot of rock concerts. Concerts of Ainsborg just live music in general love. Yeah. Favorite bands, favorite bands. Yeah. Oh, as far as like witch genre. Because that's kind of hard. Really anything else? Your favorite live shows, I'd say. The Acacia Stream. Oh, they're here. They're here in the audience, ladies and gentlemen. It's my favorite metal band. But I mean, last year I saw Wu Tang and that was awesome. OK. Yeah, Wu Tang run the jewels. Well, the people from Alba Kirk-Ela, Wu Tang. Right. Incredible. Run the jewels is the shit life. Yeah, they are. They were awesome. That was right there. Moody center was sick. Yep. Two rappers at once turns out it's like twice is entertaining as one rapper. Yeah, and then Wu Tang's like seven dudes. You're like, fuck yeah. Absolutely. I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes, I get fucking. You'd love it. What? Sharon Ruth Hensley would call hard as a rock. OK, so Spencer Boone. You in love? No. OK. Briefly day at a girl over the holidays and that ended. How did that end? Just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. Right. You did it. It was mutual. We were neither as we're kind of like really looking for a relationship. At least I wasn't really and it kind of fell into it. Right. When you say you fell into it, what exactly does that mean? I work at a horror movie, Metal Shop. Ah, yes. You know, you meet a lot of Goth girls. Oh. OK. Oh, Red Band. What do you? He's moaning. He's doing his growl. For those of you that don't want, if you're wondering what we're talking about, Red Band does a thing when he wants to talk, but doesn't have anything to say where you just goes, we all hear it up here. But the mic's not near him. So you don't know that he's doing it. Like he has a thought about something. OK, don't. Goth girls are horrible hygiene usually, right? Not in my experience. Oh, no. What Goth girls you've been with. Yeah, we're some real dirt balls. Ooh, run through some Goth girls stereotypes. Yeah. Condoms? Not typically. No. They want to die, Bert. Why would they use condoms? But I don't get with just Goth girls. It's been a lot of Latina since I've been in Texas. Ooh, Latinas. What do you notice is the difference between Latinas and Goth girls? They're worse when blended together. Oh, there's a big Latina Goth movie. Yeah, they take it too seriously. You want to fuck Morrissey fans? No. That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is mind blowing. It is. I'm hoping that'll happen to me somehow that I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people. Yeah. And I'll be like, what did I do to get just people in wheelchairs? It is incredible. It's the shirt. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless? No. Do you want to try it? That's never across my mind once. It works. For you, maybe. No one can do that now. If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you. Well, it'd be shocked. Yeah. A lot of shirtless comedians these days. I swear to God. There are. Fuck. Yes. Well, I'm sure you think that about when everyone started releasing crowd work clips. LAUGHTER Angel Diaz is going to be releasing a couple. Hell yeah. We love the Angel Diaz. There's one lady literally having an orgasm over there. OK. Can I give one piece of constructive criticism to the comments or another comment? All the jokes you're telling when you get better at comedy will be better. They'll just keep writing and then revisit these when you're better at comedy. And because the idea of your mom getting a tram stamp and you shouldn't be able to drive away from that's funny, you just haven't figured out the right. They're also shortened for the minute. These are longer bits, I do. Oh, yeah. Ula-la. More details and things. Ula-la-la. So I don't typically do just a minute. How does the tram stamp joke go if you don't mind me asking? A longer version. Can we hear the unedited unplugged Spencer Boone? Her tram stamp matches her PT cruiser she had. Oh, I love that. Yeah, it was a pink. It was purple and blue butterfly with the word crazy beneath it. Oh, are you fucking serious? Is that real? That's real. She had that on her PT cruiser also. No, but she had a purple PT cruiser with blue flames on it. And the license plate said crazy. Wow. My mom caught you pick the wrong part of the joke to tell. Why wouldn't you bring your mom? It feels like this should be a comedy duo. I bet mom crushes. Yeah. Not quite. Is mom a funny lady? Not really. Where's she at? Is she in Virginia still? She's in Virginia. So like you're home in Virginia. Is that a very small population? Yeah. I'm from Orange County, Virginia. It's very small. Tell us about it. It's a farm county. I mean, I think the whole county has like 35,000 people. Are you anywhere near the what's that one family called the famous? Oh, the trumps. No. The white Virginia. No, the wonderful white. The Walten's? The whites, the wonderful whites. I don't know. I don't think so. We're in Virginia. I think that's more Western especially. Oh, that makes sense. I mean, like the Shandoah Valley area. All right. I'm Doah Valley. 35,000. What did you do for work when you were there? I used to work in a T-shirt factory. He used to make band merch. So that was cool. Look at you. Spencer, you're a very funny guy. Congratulations. Great times. Here's a big joke book. Awesome. There you go. Thank you guys so much. Spencer Boone. Have a great night. Appreciate it. Good job, buddy. You gave that to you? Thank you. I enjoyed it. Okay. All right. We're getting word that Angel Diaz has brought his notes. How did you get those? In the bathroom. You ran into Angel Diaz in the bathroom, and he gave you his notes. All right. Well, it actually does say, uh, me. Can you please, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and maybe 1 p.m. and fix the AC unit? That's his text, though. And he said, I'm doing a live deal. We, he read this. Oh, they're kicking you out. There you go. That's what happens. That's the exact kind of foreigner we need to get out of this country. Goddamn it. That guy's just drunk enough to know that Angel did this joke or not know that Angel did that joke on stage. Was he British? But we should keep that. Hold on to that. We're going to put that in the Killtony Museum one day. It is incredible. His handwriting is very youthful. Incredibly, I don't know if you have a shot at that. Yeah. Childlike wonder. You would think a graffiti artist has better handwriting, but now. All right, everybody. Here's the reality. William Montgomery is sick again, everyone. That's right. The most vaccinated person in the show's history somehow gets sick once a month. What are the odds? Ari Maddie got snowed into Estonia, everyone. I know. The controversy is wild. But I do have one remaining special treat that you guys might like. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the greatest Golden Tickah winners in the history of the show. Here to close us out, make some noise with the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. I'm sorry. I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I used my baby pictures. And then I say, swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, and then I, oh my god, and all that had happened. I chill out, chill out. It's been 30 years, okay. Has anyone ever used that flashlight? I didn't know you have to do that, you know. I was doing it, and I was like, this hurts. I was like, this hurts. I would know if I'm not the calm, but I'd buy bleeding, you know. Martin Phillips is consistent as it gets. The most wobbly, rock solid comedian in the world. You did it again, amazing set. Rick, is this your first time seeing Martin? This is my first time. Yeah. Fantastic. Thank you. You know, I would, mainly I would just say straighten up. Do what you got to do. Hi. I've been trying, I've been trying, you know. Okay, you know what, maybe, maybe do a little coke or something to you. You could calm the nerves a little. You have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady that just got a drink from him. What is that? It's like, do you do? It's like he's standing on ice right now. Like that? Yeah, I'm slipping. Yeah, how is this weather treating you? How are you surviving? I'd hear it. I think God, I have shows in Florida, baby. Oh hell, yeah. It's called you baby. I have shows in Florida, baby. He's like a 1940s gangster. Shakes of a hit, see? Been doing, took over the city of Miami, baby. I love it, Martin. Did you get that sweater over Christmas? It looks great. Well, thanks. I don't get to wear a sweater. It was too often. So I'm really bombed. Or I get sweater. Could you stretch the fuck out of him trying to put him on? No, I don't. That's what you do with the insurance. Well played, brother. The nerve of the shirt off guy putting a shirt on, Joe. The nerve of a guy who I don't think can fight. Okay. Whoa. What do you do, baby? You got a knuckles in when you come in your gun. You want to cause shenanigans? The worst Dick Tracy villain of all time. Martin, tell us about Florida. How did it treat you? It was really nice. You can shit on that, but they you go there. I get it. I do entire there too. You know, but then they have like gay and community. It's like, what are you protecting yourself from? Like there's a very nice neighborhood. Where were you at in Florida? Oh, I went down to, I went to two retired night communities of Naples, Florida, and both have a time. Wow. And Wesley Jappel and now it's like Tampa. And now Bern. Yeah. Wow. Well, you were visiting retirement communities? Well, I'd say it's that the job while this old people typically live in Naples. And if you're from Florida, the Florida people watch it all out like this guy gets it. Yeah. I grew up from Florida. Florida correspondent. Yeah, growing forward. Yeah. I think he was just implying he did cities and those cities. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that. So it was a retard translation thing. Who's the retard? Wait, did I just catch a fucking strap down? You're getting a little bit lit up right now, Bert. Jesus Christ. I'm not going to buy this one. For free bird, free bird is on Netflix. Angel Diaz is watching it right now. We're going to hear a synopsis. That's going to be next week, Bert. We're going to get the free bird synopsis. So basically there's like this fucking fat guy. And I'm saying, you're never going to believe it. He looks just like you. I want to hear Angel describe cerebral palsy to the rest of the man. So basically God didn't like this fucking guy. Did you get to see Angel Diaz tonight? I saw the antifair at the door. I got the dress. You kind of had to see the whole thing. He stops his butt sometimes. What? Oh shit. I'm taking the attic out. Oh my god. Martin, I love you so much. You're so fucking consistent. You're so powerful. Catch him everywhere. Catch him on the killer. He's a kiltonian. His own tour. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Rick Ingram? In Bert Christ, for everybody. Rick, hey, Scrowd, please. Go to the comedy store YouTube page and watch it immediately after this, please. And then, or before or in any order, go to Netflix and watch Free Bert. These guys have unbelievable things out there right now. This episode's been brought to you by Quo Zippercrooter and Shopify. Do you guys have a good time? Red Man. Check out the secret show every Thursday, sunsetstripatx.com. We are going back to Los Angeles where it all started in May to the Intuit dome, the largest ever venue that we've ever done. Bigger than the O2 Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, to do a little show that started in front of 12 people. Two of those 12 were Laneian Jerry in the Comedy Store Belly Room, which all started with the first guest ever on the show. One more time for Rick Ingram. One more time for Bert Christchurch. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. You You You