1437 - Chachi Is Queer, in an Open Relationship with a Man & Thinks Labels are Super Important

Okay, today I have on Chauchy. Now this is a great conversation that I forgot I had. Every now and then I come across an episode that I forgot to air that I have because I didn't write it down in my schedule or for whatever reason. I'm like, oh my God, it's like struck gold because I could bring it up and put it out. This is a great conversation with a guy named Chauchy. He wanted to call in and talk about labels, which we do, but we also get his whole backstory, which is like super interesting. He talks about how he's queer. I mean, he is a guy that's married to a guy. We get into that whole thing, but he does consider himself queer instead of gay. And we get deep into that. We talk a lot about labels. Like I said, he also considers himself fluid as well as non-binary. Now listen, him and his guy are in a long-term relationship, but they are open. Okay. And they recently started like solo playing. And he talks all about that too, like how that they're open relationship is set up, how they both feel about each other playing with other people, how they've had, he calls them guest appearance people, and how they started to do solo play. He talks about his partner being a part of the Bader community, which I'd never heard about. You'll hear about that as well as what aside is. There's a lot of labels that he talks about that I had no idea about, but he's super smart. He's really interesting. The whole conversation is interesting. We also talk about the stigma for guy and guy action and all that kind of stuff. So anyway, I'm going to get right to it and be right back on with Chauchy. Hi, Chauchy. That's your fucking name, right? I need to ask you about that name, Chauchy. Well, welcome to the Strictly Noms podcast. How are you today? Yeah, thanks for calling in. I thought we would do some sort of, or like we were having a conversation on my Patreon, right, about labels and stuff. And I was like, like, let's have this conversation online because I think that a lot of people hate labels. I sometimes stick up for labels because I think that they're kind of great for people at a certain time if you need them. They could really make you feel like you belong to a certain place, but it's not necessarily like you have to be attached to them for the rest of your life. I don't know. I know that we started talking because of that old school world that in my day and age, they used to say tranny, which is such a terrible word to say now, but even some transgender people who are older will still use them. They're like, I don't fucking care. But it's like nowadays, that's not something that people would use. But 10, 15, 20 years ago, everybody used it. And that's really where we started the conversation, right, Chauchy? Yeah, absolutely. I think labels have evolved over time, as you said, a couple years or a few years back of RuPaul. I don't know if you caught any wind of this, but RuPaul got into a lot of trouble for using that word within the community. Because that was typical back then. It was like, I said, even someone who would be considered trans would use that word for themselves. Like no big deal. It was just the word that everyone used. Correct. And I think language is important. And obviously, people still use that word. It has become a time where the connotation towards it is very negative. So we try to refrain from that. And I think the lesson in particular is language does change. I mean, when I was a kid, if you call, if you use queer, for instance, that was just as derogatory as the other word that we were talking about today. So I think now we've, the community has reclaimed it and queer is something that's empowering because it's like encompasses all different spectrums of the community. So there's a lot to be learned from language. And I think probably the most important thing, and you touched on something really important is that there's certain community members that still use that word are comfortable with that word. And that maybe even particularly the community that is comfortable with that word is not comfortable with the word like queer, because it comes from a time where it was really painful to hear that word. So. Right. But the point is that there's so many different examples of that too, right? It's not just those two words. There's millions of words, and people feel very different about all of them. But let's get a little backstair in you, because you threw out the word queer, and that just leads into who you are in your life, because that's how you would label yourself, right? Yeah, I would. I would label myself queer. Correct. Right. And now, how old are you and what's your relationship status? If you're queer, that means you're with a man currently. Correct. But not necessarily. That doesn't encompass just a gay spectrum. Queer is an umbrella term for the bi community, the everyone that falls under the LGBTQIA umbrella. So there's not really, just because I say I'm queer doesn't mean that I'm gay, but I am gay. To get to that. I'm 51, and I have been with my partner for 15 years now, and we actually got married this year. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. I appreciate that. Now, are you guys in an open relationship or not? And I ask that only because I think gay men are more likely to be open than right, because it's just guys typically feel like sex is just sex, and they understand that where sometimes it's harder for a woman to understand that because we're wired a little bit differently, but you put two men together that feel that way, because it's just more natural to feel that way as a man. And they're like, why not? It's they understand the difference, right? It doesn't mean love. It doesn't necessarily mean that, right? Absolutely. I mean, there's animalistic instincts that happen with men that I think maybe some women have. But I think for the most part men. They've been on my show. Yes, they have. I've listened to them. So yeah, it is. We are open. It is a recent development. We have interesting mostly had we haven't had a ton of experience in the openness yet. We have had special guest stars come into our bedroom from time to time over the years, and that's not new. But the venturing out on our own kind of progressed for several reasons, obviously one that you just mentioned. We're not really the type of people that are, I guess, programmed like, I would say, a heterosexual couple, where it's like marriage is this unity of just complete monogamy. And like, it's just us and we have only the vision blinders for each other. We're realistic where we are men and we are attracted to other men. And obviously that is going to change. And I also, I think we both I should say, come from the background where we don't feel like one person can be everything for for for for us, you know, it's just not. We have like a great relationship and we have a foundation where family and we have a house together. It's not like we're going anywhere. It's just the drive of sexual attraction is different than what you would label a normal, I guess, relationship. I don't even like using that word normal. But you know, it's the first thing that comes to mind. So quote unquote, thank you. So yeah, we have not really gone wild with the openness. It was it I think we both have like had like some we have differences in sexual drives, which led to this and then also interest sexual interest. So I think that's normal if you're in a healthy relationship to communicate that with your partner, and go from there and see if there's something that you can't or don't want to explore necessarily in your relationship, you can find elsewhere and it doesn't it doesn't alienate what you already have. Our foundation is really strong. And we are our first priorities at the end of the day. Right. Well, you said it's interesting that you consider like open meaning open as far as you guys going and seeing people outside separately. Whereas it sounds like you've been open in my view of what open means for way longer because you're like we have had guest stars in our relationship in the past. To me open relationships means oh, you bring other people into your intimate relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean you see people solo, right? But so you have been seeing other people intimately together before recently, right? Yes, absolutely. So that's interesting that you put it that way because I never really have thought of it that way. But yeah, I guess you guys would fuck other people together and have three thumbs. It's not open. Yeah, I guess. But I don't know. There's a difference, I guess, just for me in particular, because I'm sharing an experience with my partner versus just going and being wild alone. Not that I'm going to be doing that because I'm also not a 20 year old. But yeah, I guess I guess so we've been open for longer than if we're going to label it that way. Well, yeah, because I think listen, there's not monogamous relationships and non monogamous, non monogamous would be to me open relationships, open relationships mean like, you know, we will maybe fuck other people, whether that's together or alone, it's the same shit. You're not monogamous only with each other. You guys have shared other partners, you've bought other guys in and fuck them in front of each other or whatever. Now, did you do that from the get go or like when did that come about in your relationship? No, no, no, no, no, we didn't do that for quite a while. I think the first time we did experiment that way, we was almost like eight or nine years into the relationship. So we were strictly monogamous. And then we became monogamous, which is a dense average term. Yeah, I love that term. Yeah. So yeah, we've always considered ourselves monogamous. But recently, I guess it was more of like, okay, we have enough trust and foundation built that we can do, I guess our own thing and still come back to the relationship. Obviously, I've listened to a lot of your episodes. So there's a lot of variations to that if and if you have a listener that's listening to you and what are all the different experiences, like that could mean so many different things for some totally. And I like to show all the different ones, right? To just because, yeah, everyone does have a different view of what it is. They have different rules and regulations, what works for them. And every story is very different and specific because everyone does things differently. I mean, it's interesting that you guys were playing around with others a little bit and then no, but you still had to have that foundation for a while, which I think is smart. And I totally get that, you know, that after seven or eight years, you know, you're together, why not have a little fun, bring somebody in? That was great for many years. And then recently, you're like, okay, now I know that like, we're together in this forever. What does it fucking matter if you go and fuck other people? But I do think though, that going out and seeing people solo is a very big step in an open relationship. And I do think you have to really have that foundation in because a lot of my stories gone wrong. They go wrong because of solo play a lot of the times, unfortunately, right? Absolutely. I mean, there's so many different like factors to that. It's, again, every relationship is different. And it, if it's a don't ask, don't tell it is, it plays into how the relationship is dissected. If it is something that is fully transparent, then there's like the connecting after and reclaiming the sexual energy within the relationship. So there's a lot of different, you know, talk about your specific one, Chachi, like tell me what your experience solo has been so far. Has there been any play solo play? And is there a don't ask, don't tell like, how do you guys roll? Well, no, there isn't a don't ask, don't tell. I originally, if anything, I was a little bit more apprehensive at first. My partner is 10 years younger than me. So he does have a different, I think, upbringing and viewpoint on like sexuality and all of the fluidity that comes with it, right? And I'm 51. So I think I'm maybe a little bit more programmed to, I grew up and was programmed to be, oh, you're, you need a hetero perspective kind of relationship, right? Where it's like, you get married and you're monogamous and so I've had to like dissect and take tear apart a lot of those moments because of my age, I think in my upbringing. So again, we haven't had like extreme like tons of experiences of being open, open play alone. But the ones that we have had, we've learned from and some of them have gone good as good as could be and others have been a little bit trickier. I think when you have anything, you have to have rules, you have to have, you have to have a foundation of like, this is what you can or can't do, I think, even in an open relationship, because it's not a free for all. And at the end of the day, your, your primary partner is your priority, right? So if there's something I'm doing that's going to upset him or vice versa, we have to take that into account. So, so what were your guys rules? Well, that was the thing we didn't really have a lot going first into this, which was a mistake. And I think those lead into some of those bumpy road moments where things get misinterpreted. I would think that I was doing the right thing by coming back and talking about my experiences right away. And that necessarily wasn't the right thing to do. I didn't prep in advance the, the situations. And so there's a lot of like, care that has to go into it. And again, this is different for everybody. Hey, guys, has timing ever been an issue for you in the bad room? Well, listen, you're definitely not alone because there really is an orgasm gap. It's a fact. Girls take a little bit longer to have an orgasm than guys. And that's where promescence delay spray comes in. It's not just for guys with premature ejaculation. It is for any guy who wants more control and confidence in the bedroom. Promescence delay spray does not totally numb you out. Okay. 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So the moments that we have had our own experiences when someone is out, like basically when we're not in the same city. So like if I'm traveling for work or he's traveling for work or visiting family and so on and so forth. So it's been, it hasn't been something where we're like at home in our city and being like, oh, hey, go, I'm going to hook up with so and so. Right. Because that has that's why we've had more special gas stars into our in our equation versus one on one experiences. But there was one instance last year that I my partner was away. And I was home. And I ended up talking to someone on Grindr. And we had a like a really good connection. And it wasn't necessarily go with the intent of having sex. But like there was obviously a lot of flirting and banter and all that stuff. And I was home alone. And so I invited him over to come hang and we ended up talking for like two hours. And then we hooked up. And I when he left, I called my partner right away and told him. And he was upset because I didn't clear it with him prior to and I wasn't transparent. Like because what I had said is like, it's not a sex thing, we're just going to hang out. And again, we were moved, we had moved into or moved into a newer city. So we were still trying to connect and find community. Right. So I was like, this isn't wasn't just a sex thing. Right. And so when I told him, I thought I was doing the right thing. Right. And he was furious because that's not how I presented it. So that was me not being completely transparent with him. So it ended up being causing a conflict. But it was a great one because we were able to talk and work it out and be like, this isn't what we want to do this way anymore, or how we want to handle it. Right. So yeah, that was that was a really, it was a tough one because again, I thought I was doing the right thing, but I got, I got my hands laughed because I didn't handle it the right way. And maybe there was like some conscious like underlying tones to it where I knew I was going to have sex with this person, but I didn't want to like completely admit to it right away. And so that underlying play like and not being completely upfront with my partner was obviously something that was discouraging for him. Right. Right. Right. Now has he had any experiences himself? He has getting you back. He has a couple. He has had a couple that same weekend. He was coming home and he ended up hooking up with someone on the way. And I was like, do it. Like I was like coaching him. Like we have again, very different ways and techniques. Like he is the type of person that wants to know everything and wants to be involved, even if he's not involved in like, in like, he's like a coach, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah. And I'm not, I'm not like that at all. I'm like, I kind of like walk into things cautiously. And so I'm not the same. I'm not like a champion coach for him to go and like go and do his own thing. Like I want him to do it, but I don't want to be the one to have to like push him to do it, if that makes sense. And so, yeah, he had an experience. This was the right after my experience I just shared with you. And I was, I ended up coached, like basically pushing him to do it. And he had, it was a good time and all that stuff. But we have had since then, we have different, we have different sex drives and we have different sexual interests, right? And that means like, from topping to bottoming to which side now, which is a whole new word that happens within the community, they don't top or bottom, they're just sides and like to jerk off and demaceration sessions and there's these groups that come together all around the world and love men that just come and they don't, they'll like spend a weekend jerking off and not coming or coming on the last day and edging or I'm not into that. My partner is and so it's like, I let him go and experience those things on his own. He's gone to a couple of those events by himself because, and he's asked me to go, but I'm not, I'm just not interested in that. And so, think about why do people not roll like that more often, right? If you really think about it at the end of the day, why not let your partner just go get serviced in a way that you don't feel like fucking doing it. I mean, I listen, it's harder to do, like it's much easier to say than do, right? Because we are programmed to believe that, oh, if someone love is sex and sex is love and if someone does that, it's fucked up on it. It just would be so much easier if we were born thinking that none of this is a big fucking deal and then you could pawn off some of the stuff to somebody else, right? Yeah, that's funny. And you could just be like, I don't feel like blowing you. I hate blowjobs. Go get someone else to blow you, right? I'm sure lots of women would love to, you know, that jealous, but they're so jealous they can't. It's a problem. Yeah. So you're like, I don't fucking like that. Should go find it someplace else. It's great. Yeah. Go do it somewhere else. Absolutely. I mean, and the Bader community, it's a culture that I'm just not interested in, but I understand it. Oh my God, I had a whole conversation with someone on that. I'm like, that's a thing. I don't understand it. She was like, yeah, that's a thing. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's what the side, your side, you're not at the top or bottom and side. I don't know if you've looked on any of the new of the like grinders and whatnot, but that's how people are labeling themselves now, which is not something that I grew up with. But also like, I can, I mean, I guess I'm not excited about the jerking off thing because I've done it since I was a kid essentially. So it's like, to me, I'm like, that means nothing. I don't know. So it's just, I don't connect with that, like, like other people do. And I understand now through my partner that it's more of a sense of community. And it's the stroking and the baitering, baiter culture is a sense of community building with with a like minded men. So I understand and respect that I just don't, it's just not for me, right? So, so he'll do that on his own. And he's done, he's, he's gone to a few of those events by himself. And, and what it has been fine, like we haven't had any conflict or anything over that. So, yeah, so I think we're learning and growing. And if I talk to you in a year, maybe it would be a completely different conversation. So I think right now we're just like kind of trying to find what works and doesn't work with us still. Yeah, why not? When it's not a special guest star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But let me ask you, yeah, no, I mean, I totally get that. It's, is it a very new thing for you guys? I think you're, listen, you said you're somebody who thinks things through a lot and a little bit more cautious. I'm very much that way. And so I probably would wait to a long time that I, so that I would have a very strong foundation like you had, right? And make sure that everything's cool and sort of take it slow. I think you guys are taking it kind of slow, but I think that that's great. You know, why not? I think also what we're talking about really does correlate with language too. I think my partner and I, I've never like he considers himself more of a side, which is a new term, right? Just like queer in a sense where the way that it's used, it's not a new term, it's just the way that it's used is new. So like the side community, if you will, within the queer community is something that like people gravitate or a lot more people are gravitating to, whereas nobody would ever call it like even me talking to older, my generation or older of gay men, they're like, what the fuck is a side? Like, what the hell is that? I mean, you know what I mean? What is it? Well, it's people that don't fuck like penetration wise, but it's everything, but so it's oral, it's Bader community, it's all the sides, right? So like that, like that terminology, term side is kind of like what we were talking about. It's the evolution of language when we started this conversation. I would never have called myself queer in the 90s or even in the 2000s. It's like, this is something that I exactly, I was just gay man, period. So it's weird to sometimes think of how things get reclaimed or changed. And it is a little confusing. Let me ask you this. Sorry to cut you off. Like, so why wouldn't you say gay now? Is there a difference in your sexuality that you say queer or like? Yeah, so I would say gay. I'm not opposed to that still, that that term. But I consider myself queer because I'm also open to more. So like, if you're a female to transitioning into a male, I would be attracted to trans men. I'm attracted to men in general. So if there's a hot trans man that is in front of me, I'm going to be sexually attracted to them. So how did that? So the terminology changes for me in my head. It encompasses more queer. Exactly. You're a little bit more than gay, which I get. And that's what I was thinking it meant. And so I was wondering, what is that other thing that you're open to? What is that other person? Right? So it's like a trans man. And maybe for somebody else, it means something different, right? But that's what queer is. Like maybe you're just, it's not just about, oh, you only like a cis male, right? It's like, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. What I was going to ask you before that I was thinking of, like, does it actually turn you on knowing if your partner is with someone? Is there any of that going on for either one of you? Oh, that's a good question. So for him, there is an element of that. So that of him getting turned on by me being with someone else. For me, it's less than I am turned on by seeing him with someone else. If it's a if it's a guest star situation, if it's his own, like, like, is it his own thing? It's not that I'm not turned on, but I'm not sexually charged by hearing about it. Like, I'm like, that's your experience. And so like, I don't necessarily need all of the bells and whistles and details to wear about it, where my partner would love to know a little bit. Yeah, because it's turning him on. Yeah, of course. That is the big difference. And I think, listen, I think that's about like, maybe being turned on by what you hear, everyone's turned on by different things. Like you said, like you'd love to see him in doing it with another guy in front of you, because you're visual, but maybe you don't want to hear about it because you're not so into like, what you hear. I were to guess, I would think that someone that's into the Bader community would be into hearing you with somebody else because there's a little bit of that solo thing going on there, right? Or him not being there or not being involved, someone that is into that kind of kink, right? It kind of makes sense that he would be more the one that likes it. Absolutely. And it was interesting because recently there was a Bader event thing that he and another one of our friends who got kind of, they're both into that stuff. So they went not together, but they were at the same event. And then I was in LA and I ended up having dinner with that guy's husband. It wasn't anything sexual. We just went to a show and dinner. And when they were my partner and him were at the event, they were like, Oh, I hope they go fuck tonight. And then we can hear about it later and drink off to it. And he told me that and I was like, Oh, that's so weird. I didn't even think of something like that. You know what I mean? But like, it's like that's his thing. It's like the, hear like the storytelling about it. I think it's all the way you're wired, right? Absolutely. Yeah. Everyone's, I mean, look, everyone's wired differently, but there's also like this stuff changes and it's flows. And it's, I'm into things that I probably know I wasn't into when I was younger. And so there's a lot of growth that happens and fluidity with it. And that's why I go going back to the start of this conversation. It's like, it's hard to imagine one person for one person forever and not, you know, I mean, I know people do it, but like to me, it's just like that's so wild because there's no way that you're always going to be on the same level with the same desires and thought process and turn ons. It has to, it changes. All right, guys, you want to feel both fully on and ready, both mentally and physically in the bedroom. Well, then you need to check out Blue Chew Gold. Listen, Blue Chew has been on a mission to help guys build their confidence and help them actually perform in the bedroom. And their new arousal boosting formula, Blue Chew Gold, is helping millions of men have better sex. While most ED medications only focus on blood flow, Blue Chew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for blood flow and two ingredients for mental arousal and connections. So you're not just physically ready. 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They someone fuck a girl. They even bring a girl in every now and then because they've just realized that it just it's about the sex. And if at that moment some that woman is sexual, they and they're for some reason turned on, they'll go there. Have that was great. Yeah, that was so interesting. I mean, there and did you know about them before? Yeah, we have been my partner and I have been fans since before when they were on X2 before they even like, yeah, they're big. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're great. I'm like, Oh my God, if people don't know them, they should go because they're and I love their story because they are super in love, right? They talked first on my show that they had got engaged. They just recently got engaged. They love each other yet they fuck the shit out of other people and now even they fuck girls and they're so dirty and they're so everything. But that's like what they do when it comes to sex, but they're totally in love. Like they really show that all of that can exist at the same time. Correct. Yeah, the foundation was really strong with those guys. But that's the fluidity though for them. It just shows that it changes over time because I think they even said that they never thought about that they would ever be with women, right? But and it's something new for them and they have had threesomes with women because now they just feel differently. And I think that that's that's interesting. And I think people should be open. I think some people are less fluid because some people are just they do just live in a box and think that they have to they read the fucking book and they define themselves and that's it. But I think that's very limiting. Why not sort of be open and to not only all the labels for other people, but for yourself too and grow and change who knows what you could be into tomorrow, right? If you stay open. I'm a firm believer of not holding on to strict labels. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm it's been myself in the face over over time. And maybe that's why you prefer queer now because if it changed that you would fuck a girl tomorrow, you could still say you're queer and that would be correct, right? Like that's why that label works because it's more encompassing, right? It there's more involved in that whereas gay is so specific. Yeah. And I mean, I think it also comes from the other term that I identify with, which is non binary, because I I while I am a cis man, I don't feel like I identify with that all the time. So there is an evolution and a flow with that terminology as well. I I sometimes feel more female leaning and presenting and can put on a skirt and more female presenting. Oh, interesting. And not have but I'm still I'm still a gay man. So there's a lot of fluidity with language and I consider myself non binary only because I don't always identify with the male viewpoint in my in my brain. But I also don't consider myself trans or female presenting even if I'm wearing some effeminate, if you will, quote unquote, clothing clothing every young man, right? Because I'm not ever wanting to be a woman. I just don't want to be put into a box of heteronormative cis male toxic behavior. And so if I put on a skirt and go out to a show, I feel like I'm like representing me on a lot of levels versus not just a male, I'm a man kind of thing, which is what I think a lot of us grow up with that are men. It's where we're punched down as children and upbringing of like you have to be a certain way. So especially for guys for males. Yeah, yeah. And I'm also Puerto Rican. So there's a whole other cultural element to the cheese mo that falls into. Yes, exactly. My psyche. So there's a lot of repro reprogramming that happens or is happening in my brain. And that's again, why like when I hear somebody using the trans, trans terminology and automatically assuming someone is something, it's, it's, it's a red flag for me mostly because I people assume a lot about me that they don't understand, right? So right. But how horrifying though, is it to you when the person who's saying it is saying it about themselves? So you feel like that on that level, they're putting themselves in a box. And that's why I think that these labels are great. And that's why I even as an old lady, I say I love fucking labels because listen, listen to look at all the episodes in my show. So many people are a lot of different fucking things. Okay, they don't fit into the two boxes out there that they used to have when we were growing up or the three boxes when you really couldn't, there wasn't a lot of labels when we back then. And I think it's great that they have them now because I really do think it can really help people if you open your mind to them, put themselves in a place and feel like they belong where there's a lot of like, when we were younger, I think confused people or I thought I was like fucked up because I sometimes wanted open relationships. I didn't want to be monogamous, but like, and I was like considered like a freak because everybody was like, you got to get married and have kids, you're either single or you're married with kids in a white picket fence. And there's no other choices. And I just think that all these different labels and all these different choices are fantastic, even though a lot of older people are very anti them, I think what they don't understand is that they're so great and they're so freeing and they can make you feel so much more quote unquote normal because that's really most people fit into that huge spectrum as far as opposed to this tiny little one that people used to have to fit into. And a lot of people are living double lives and they're not able to label themselves because they won't sort of open themselves up to the stuff that's out there. But I think it's just helpful. Yeah, I think so too. I think I'm part of my job. I was a Berg leader. So I was, it's, I was a leader for the queer, it's a business employee resource group. It's like a volunteer kind of thing. And there's a bunch of us. So you every kind of community has their own. And so I was a Berg leader for both the queer community and the Latinx community. And even understanding when you introduce yourself, giving out your pronouns isn't is so difficult for so many people to do, but it's so important for our community to just be able to know where they stand with people. And it's how it says so much. So language again, which we would never, you know, 10 years ago say, my name is so and so and I'm a he them he the are my pronouns. And there is, there is, there is a support that happens with the community when you do something like that. And so it's really important. I mean, I still, I believe language is important, but I also believe we shouldn't be married to language, because it's going to evolve over time. Sit with a 21 year old right now or 20 somewhat year olds. I'm not saying 21 particularly, but like sit with a 20 year old and have a conversation about this. You're going to have a completely different conversation than you and I are. And that's, but that's enlightening because there I think that generation is living honestly way more authentically than I might when I was. Oh my God, of course. Yeah, absolutely. There's there's a book that just came out by I'm trying to think of his name. Oh gosh, totally doing a blank, but it's it's a oh yeah, Stylia Baylor. He she they I don't know if you've heard of him, but he's an athlete and he wrote his trans trans athlete. And he is the book is amazing. I list I read it in a day. It really dissects a lot of what you and I are speaking about with the language and the end for him to change or not changing for him owning his gender 100% versus somebody who who's still trying to discover his book is really enlightening because it talks about a lot of the language and then presenting how your how you can uplift the community even if you're not part of it, but also his struggle with transitioning is something that's so relatable on so many levels not just as a transitioning person, but like just growing as an individual. So that's really a really empowering book, I think, to talk about a great title. Yeah, it's it's so great. Yeah, if you if you get a chance, you should pick it up. It's really, really, really, it just was really well thought and really dissects literally how you can feel at every different moment and stage in your life and and and educating those around you. He had us, I mean, as anybody who is transitioning, there's so many, we don't come out once, right, even in the community, we come out every day, you go to a coffee shop and you have to somebody starts talking to you and ask me how if I'm married, and I say yeah, and they're like, well, do you have any kids or what is how long have you been with your wife and it's like, well, no, I'm married to a man. I mean, because I don't have kids and it's like reprogramming that terminology. And it's sometimes really like challenging because it's like, you don't always want to like have to give your life story to strangers. But I'm a single woman. I'm a single woman with a son and no husband. Okay, so I have to worry that I'm going to have people ask me a million questions to I mean, a lot of people think God nowadays are living very out of the those little boxes that used to be. And thankfully, the younger generation is more open to all of them. And I think being more authentic, when people are more authentic, as opposed to sort of following whatever was taught to you when you're younger, like I said, reading the book and doing what you're supposed to do, be authentic, most people would have like very different lives, right? Because I don't know, I just always did whatever the fuck I wanted, but I never fit in anywhere because I didn't read the book, I didn't want to do what everybody did. It wasn't a follower. But I think now people are changing. So I think it's really, I think it's really great. I think this, this conversation is important. I was just gonna say, I appreciate you having this conversation, but I also appreciate all the different conversations you have on your podcast, especially with the queer community, because I think it's so important for your straight listeners to understand a little bit of this lies, because we're also not just dealing with the structural foundation of our families that instill all of this stuff. There's also religion that plays such a huge part within the queer community and how we identify and see ourselves. Because we're told, you just have to think, if your family is religious, you were told you were not good from conception until you felt like you could remove that stigma. Or you're going to hell. Even when you say you're removing it, that shit creeps the fuck in all the time. So it's a constant reprogramming. So I think having these fluid conversations with the community is super important. And obviously the sexual component to it is so, people don't understand it, that aren't part of it. So I think having that, this will help, that helps parents with kids that may be growing up. You're changing a lot of people's lives with the way that you're doing it. No, I love that. And one of my favorite episodes that I air are the ones where the guys are secretly blowing guys off the side, because I just can't believe. And we touched upon this in the Maverick Men episode and they really opened my eye to why it happens and where it comes from. But I'm fucking mesmerized by why there is such a stigma around that. And so many guys are like, yeah, I blow a guy, but I'm not gay. And I'm like, it's only such a fucking diss. I don't know if you've read statistics, but I don't fuck with people that say DL on profiles or on these apps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like the Maverick Men. My tackles or whatever it's called on the back of my neck rises because I just think this, this is somebody who is not honest with themselves. And if you do hook up with them, there's a chance they might beat you up after. Because they hate themselves so much. Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very scary in that sense. But I understand it too. Because again, this is a lot of this is rooted in religion. And they can't. No, but did you hear what the Maverick Men, where the Maverick Men took it and talked about where they think the root of the stigma of guy on guy action comes. And he said it really, and I thought, I was like, wow, that's fucking true. And I think that that's right on the money. They talked about it going back to being like a misogynistic thing, like it's anti women. Because what are you saying if you like guys like you're like a woman, you're not a real man, you're a woman. And what is it to be a woman? You're less than you're not a man, you know, you're a woman. And that's like beneath you. So really, and I'm like, Oh my God, that kind of makes sense. So why do we have this view that being a man, just a man is so fucking great and anything other than that is beneath, right? And that is the world me and you grew up in. I don't think that's the world nowadays. Thank God, but it is a place and that is why the stigma is still there. And it's even there in the swinger community and these places where it's so super open. God forbid a guy wants to suck another guy's dick. And we all know they're all doing it. Okay, because I have them all on my show. Okay, but they're so afraid to fucking cop to it because of the stigma and it's bullshit. Yeah. And rude. To me, it's rude. It's so it is so insane. And then also like, think about the glory hole situation. Like you don't know what's happening on the other side of that. You know what I mean? Like, it's just wild. Speaking of the glory hole, the episode that you aired the other day with that guy and you all were bickering back and forth. I was like crying. It was so good. Oh, with me and his fight, I just got a comment on somebody saying, Oh, I had to turn it off. You're interrupting. I'm like, Oh, sorry, you can't go for a good debate. I don't know. It's okay. Yeah. You were so funny. I was crying. Well, I think you and I share where I'm in New York or two. So we share a little bit of the same mentality, spicy mentality. Whatever. Fuck them. Yeah, you're and you're Puerto Rican. I'm sorry. You like you have a voice. I think sometimes though, I'll tell you, like talking about being in a fucking box as a woman, it's not good to be opinionated. It's not good to speak up. It's not good to talk back. Like, I'm not going to get into my shit. Where as marginalized as a game, a game man have been everything has is that way, except for a straight cis male, right? Those are the only people that don't understand any of this shit. Oh, I'm saying like as a, yeah, it's sad, but we're all in the same kind of boat. Go ahead. I'm sorry. No, you go. Go. I got into a Facebook disagreement years ago with someone that I co worker that I work with. And he was like, such a great guy, but and like considered himself an ally and like he was so supportive, like he wasn't homophobic, but he could not understand the the the usage of they them. And so we were like talking about it. And I was trying to explain where it comes from. And he's just like, well, I still don't understand why I have to use they. And I was like, we use it in all of these other terms and there's all these different areas that you can use it in. And we got into like this really heated discussion. And then at the end, I was like, listen, if you are an ally and you are wanting to be supportive of the community, just listen to how people want to be described or talked about or talk to. I was like, that's all you have to do. Like you don't have to understand it. You know, that's the foundation. You don't have to understand everything. You can ask questions, but like you just have to respect how people want to be talked to. And totally. That's the basics of it. Yeah, but yet so many people can't get there. But if you really question those people and back them in the corner, like, why do you care? Like, what does it matter if it doesn't affect you? And like, what is their answer? I don't even fucking know. Most people are so twisted. They don't. That's what I'm saying. They just don't because what does it fucking matter? What do I fucking care? How someone else is? I mean, I really truly am as non-judgmental as I come across on my show, just the way that I am. So I just never understand the other way of being yet. And because we live in New York, we don't, we were surrounded by people like minded people, yet we forget that in the middle of the country, there's a lot of people that are still that way and are so closed minded and are so stuck in all this nonsense. And they fucking give a shit if someone else wants to say that and they care and they think it's ruining our children. Like, I don't know where it comes from, but it's crazy. But that's why I love doing my show and I do believe that it helps people because it's just not like normalizing things. But like, I'm here to say like, this is what people are fucking doing and who the fuck cares and what the fuck's your problem if you do. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I mean, and there's like so many people that like think they're allies and then just have like microaggressions like left and right. And I'm sure as a woman, you probably are dealing with, have been dealing with that all of your life as well. So maybe it's like little lady kind of terminology and stuff like that. It's like, there's so much of that within our community as well. And I think people understanding again, how language affects those around them is so important. So this conversation should continue as much as possible. Yeah, I have a lot more queer content just so you know, I just talked to a gay man, well, he called himself gay, but he's the cock. He's into his guy. Like, that's why I asked you the question because this guy loves his guy going out and fucking another guy and him watching it being in the other room. So it's so interesting because I have a lot of guys call in with that kind of fantasy, but I love to like I said show all different people that are into all different things. So that'll be a good one for you. I love it. I love it. Thank you. And if you ever need to need someone to come in and and guests with you and talk to the queer community, I would love to hear what a great idea. Yeah, what a great idea. I might take you up on that for sure. So let's keep in touch. Thank you so much for calling in. Thanks so much for calling in. Thank you. All right. Have a good one. All right. You too. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out till August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story, there's a cook queen story, there's a cook story, there's a gang bang girl story, like I said 17 stories and they're all told in the third person and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person and I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book, think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories, 17 of them, they're really short chapters, easy read, you could read, you know, one or two and then skip around, you could read the whole book. It's available in e-back format, paperback format and finally the audiobook is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now and if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my discord. My discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you'd get into my discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other and that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you could win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my discord. It's private. Like I said, all you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at strictlyanonymouspodcastatgmail.com. That's strictly anonymous. Podcast at gmail.com and I will send you the link to discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.